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afroakuma
2009-05-24, 09:44 PM
A couple who were good friends of mine got married this past weekend; they kept it small, and I was not invited. To be fair, I do not return home and haven't seen them in three years, so I can excuse the oversight in invitation.

As I said, though, we were good friends in high school; I set up their prom date; and I felt it appropriate to send down a belated wedding gift.

Thing is, I'm new to that game; I don't know what's appropriate in terms of money. Since they are young newlyweds (21), I was thinking of a cash gift, perhaps to help defray costs on their new apartment when they return.

What's the usual etiquette regarding cash gifts? And the etiquette regarding how much one should give? I don't want to offend by giving either too little or too much.

dish
2009-05-24, 09:55 PM
I'd say that it would be impossible for you to offend by giving a gift. Really, any gift should be welcomed by the new couple.

I don't know about American customs, but in the UK in this situation it is common to give vouchers from a mid-to-high-level chain store such as Marks and Spencers, Debenhams, John Lewis, or even IKEA. Thus the young couple can buy a useful gift for themselves from anywhere in the store. The average gift amount is usually 50, but it can go as low as 20 or as high as 100 without comment. (All figures in sterling, obviously.) If you can't be bothered to get vouchers, cash is also fine, just stick it inside a nice card.

afroakuma
2009-05-24, 09:58 PM
I'd say that it would be impossible for you to offend by giving a gift. Really, any gift should be welcomed by the new couple.

You'd think that; and so would I. But you'd be amazed.


I don't know about American customs

Nor do I; I'm Canadian. :smallwink:


but in the UK in this situation it is common to give vouchers from a mid-to-high-level chain store such as Marks and Spencers, Debenhams, John Lewis, or even IKEA. Thus the young couple can buy a useful gift for themselves from anywhere in the store.

I had considered it, but they live in a small town. I don't know of any establishment that I could reasonably send a voucher from - well, except Wal-Mart. Or a big-box grocer.


The average gift amount is usually 50, but it can go as low as 20 or as high as 100 without comment. (All figures in sterling, obviously.) If you can't be bothered to get vouchers, cash is also fine, just stick it inside a nice card.

Ah; I'd been thinking in the $250 CAD range. Too much?

Jack Squat
2009-05-24, 10:08 PM
Ah; I'd been thinking in the $250 CAD range. Too much?

It's quite a bit, but I'm not sure I'd call it too much. I did $170 USD (~190 CAD) in a gift, a little more cash should be fine.

As far as etiquette, some people like cash/gift cards, some hate them - unless you know for certain they don't like them, I wouldn't worry about it. I personally think cash is probably the greatest gift ever, if only because it means that people finally realize that I'm incredibly hard to shop for, because I don't really want anything special.

RTGoodman
2009-05-24, 10:09 PM
I dunno - it depends on your economic situation and all that. When one of my friends got married a couple of years back, I got them a nice set of trendy wine glasses since, well, they're a young "hip" couple and, well, they like booze. :smalltongue:

For a young couple, I'd suggest either getting them a voucher/gift-card (even if it's to Wal-Mart - they'll always need home decor or appliances or whatever) or something nice for around the house. A set of good dinnerware for when they have guests over, a fancy frame for some wedding pictures, or something like that. I personally wouldn't spend the $250 CAD unless it was for one of my really good friends (that's ~$220 USD), but that's up to you. I'd probably spend somewhere from $50-100, depending on what I saw that I liked. (I also barely have a job and don't have much money, so that could just be me.) As they say, though, it's not the price that matters, so if you find something that they'd really like, go for it.

Oh, if you know relatives, you might call them up and ask if there's anything in particular within your price range that they might have wanted but didn't get already. That way you don't get them something they already have.

afroakuma
2009-05-24, 10:15 PM
I dunno - it depends on your economic situation and all that.

Mine? Oh, mine is fine. Mine's always been fine, though, and... well, some people don't like...

Well, I don't want to say "charity," because that's not what I think, but... *sigh* anyway.


For a young couple, I'd suggest either getting them a voucher/gift-card (even if it's to Wal-Mart - they'll always need home decor or appliances or whatever) or something nice for around the house. A set of good dinnerware for when they have guests over, a fancy frame for some wedding pictures, or something like that. I personally wouldn't spend the $250 CAD unless it was for one of my really good friends (that's ~$220 USD), but that's up to you.

Another factor that may make them less than comfortable with accepting such a gift. :smallsigh:


I'd probably spend somewhere from $50-100, depending on what I saw that I liked. (I also barely have a job and don't have much money, so that could just be me.) As they say, though, it's not the price that matters, so if you find something that they'd really like, go for it.

Wouldn't know; as I said, I haven't seen them in three years.


Oh, if you know relatives, you might call them up and ask if there's anything in particular within your price range that they might have wanted but didn't get already. That way you don't get them something they already have.

I've only met the bride's relatives once. The groom's relatives don't like me. :smalltongue:

THAC0
2009-05-24, 10:36 PM
"Traditionally" the gift ought to be equivalent to the cost of a plate at the dinner. I'm not entirely sure how one is supposed to acquire THAT information - I certainly didn't run around telling people how much it cost to feed them at my wedding. Anyway.

I really wouldn't worry about it too much. If it were me, and it were good friends of mine, I'd be looking in the around $100 range. When I got married, I didn't expect anything at all from my peers, as we were just graduating college and everyone was poor. So anything you give is fine.

afroakuma
2009-05-24, 10:44 PM
"Traditionally" the gift ought to be equivalent to the cost of a plate at the dinner. I'm not entirely sure how one is supposed to acquire THAT information - I certainly didn't run around telling people how much it cost to feed them at my wedding. Anyway.

I wasn't invited to said dinner. :smalltongue: Doing that would therefore be a bit snarky.

evnafets
2009-05-24, 10:48 PM
Ah; I'd been thinking in the $250 CAD range. Too much?
It depends very much on how well you know them, how good friends you were with them etc etc. To me that sounds a very generous gift - but not really too over the top if you knew BOTH of them well.

Other things to consider.
If they're both 21, I guess a number of your other friends will be turning 21 around this time. Budget for 21st presents?
Are they are going to have a baby some time and if so maybe leave something for that?

But hey, its you, not me. Go with what YOU'RE comfortable giving.

afroakuma
2009-05-24, 10:54 PM
It depends very much on how well you know them, how good friends you were with them etc etc. To me that sounds a very generous gift - but not really too over the top if you knew BOTH of them well.

Like I said, it's their comfort zone I'm worried about, not mine. I had originally considered $400, but I figured I should tone it down.


Other things to consider.
If they're both 21, I guess a number of your other friends will be turning 21 around this time. Budget for 21st presents?

Ehh... not really. I don't have many friends from back then, and I don't send birthday presents.


Are they are going to have a baby some time and if so maybe leave something for that?

I'd like to think that they're cleverer than that.

ghost_warlock
2009-05-25, 01:34 AM
A friend of mine, who lives far enough away that I don't get down to see him often, got married a little over a year ago. I was able to attend the wedding, though. For a gift I gave them the same thing I ended up getting them for their 1-year anniversary: $25 Amazon.com store credit. This way, even given a long-distance, nobody should have to pay shipping fees.

dish
2009-05-25, 06:25 AM
Nor do I; I'm Canadian. :smallwink:

Oops. :smallredface: Um, 'North American customs?'


Ah; I'd been thinking in the $250 CAD range. Too much?

In my experience the 'generous friend' amount was 100. According to google currency exchange that comes out as $180 CAD. Maybe you could round up to $200 CAD.

I certainly wouldn't have been offended to receive more at my wedding, but as you're concerned not to give too much, I wouldn't advise making it any higher.

Dirk Kris
2009-05-25, 07:10 AM
A young, just married couple is going to be grateful for whatever you give them, trust me. I'd go with cash on this - if they live in a small town and there are no big retailers there, they would have to travel to spend your gift, which isn't great news. Cash is good because they KNOW what they need, and it might be groceries, as opposed to a picture frame. The amount you are considering is quite generous. Believe me - they'll be thrilled.

GoC
2009-05-25, 07:31 AM
Like I said, it's their comfort zone I'm worried about, not mine. I had originally considered $400, but I figured I should tone it down.

You must be stinking rich to give out $400 to people you haven't seen in three years.:smalltongue:

afroakuma
2009-05-25, 08:22 AM
You must be stinking rich to give out $400 to people you haven't seen in three years.:smalltongue:

...hence my concerns that they might take it as "charity."

Proud people suck. :smalltongue:

Keld Denar
2009-05-25, 12:36 PM
I agree with the gift card idea. Gift cards just seem a lot more "thoughtful" and a lot less "charity". The problem with that, as you say, is that you don't know for which store to get one for. The solution to that, I say, is teh intarwebz. You can buy store credit for places like Amazon, Tiger Direct, Overstocked, or any number of big internet distribution companies. Then, the happy newly weds can log on and procure a desired item at their own leisure. Amazon is great, since they could get anything from DVDs to DVD players, to textbooks (if in college), to...just about anything. Overstocked is another good one, simply because there is sooooo much there.

If you don't like that, I'd suggest sending a Visa gift card over cash. I dunno. Like, I've gotten cards with a $20 bill stuck in them, and thats fun, but I couldn't imagine opening one and having 8-12 $20 bills drop out. You can buy them online, or at any local grocer/general retailer for any denomination. Make sure you get one that doesn't expire. If you want to be really sneaky, don't tell em how much is on it, just that they should enjoy a good time and think fondly on you. Granted, they could find out the value online, or from a casheer, or from calling the # on the back of the card, but still, that way you aren't saying "here's $500 cause you sound like you needed it" and getting that charity feeling.

As far as actual value, $200-250 CAD sounds like a perfect amount. Its enough to get or do something substantial that will be memorable, but not so much to lead to any awkwardness or need to repay it somehow.

PS, what part of Canadia do you live in, eh?

Bouregard
2009-05-25, 12:52 PM
...hence my concerns that they might take it as "charity."

Proud people suck. :smalltongue:

You should think about that. Are they really offendable by cashgifts or do they just say "oh you don't have to do this" but take it?



Oh and a small note: wrap it somehow so noone else sees it (the exact value, they could see that you give a gift). This usually helps, noone likes people buying the biggest gift and then showing it off. Even unintentionally.
And trust me a young couple needs every help they can get.

afroakuma
2009-05-25, 12:57 PM
You should think about that. Are they really offendable by cashgifts or do they just say "oh you don't have to do this" but take it?

The groom would mail it back. So yeah.


Oh and a small note: wrap it somehow so noone else sees it (the exact value, they could see that you give a gift). This usually helps, noone likes people buying the biggest gift and then showing it off. Even unintentionally.
And trust me a young couple needs every help they can get.

As I said, it's post-wedding. I don't want to show off, just send something nice. And yeah, I figure that coming off a wedding, with a new apartment and both going to university, a cash gift is probably the greatest thing I could do.

Keld: The far east.

Mephibosheth
2009-05-25, 02:02 PM
I got married a year ago (almost exactly, in point of fact) at about that same stage in life (my wife and I were are both 24) and the amounts that have been mentioned so far are substantially higher than most monetary gifts we received, even from relatives. If I'm remembering aright, the average for us was between $30 and $50 (US dollars).

That said, you've already mentioned a couple of times that you're more than comfortable giving more so that's not really the issue. I don't know your friends or you so I can't speak with authority on this, but if I had received a gift of that amount from an old high school friend I would be surprised but pleasantly so. The fact that they just had a wedding (and are probably getting tons of other gifts) will make the gift seem more appropriate and less like charity. I know that thought never crossed my mind, even when we did receive some large, expensive gifts. There are always things you need to buy when you're starting a family (we've been married for a year and still end up making trips to the department store every once in a while), so a bit of extra cash is always helpful.

In summary, I say give what you're comfortable with and I'm sure they'll appreciate it. I hope that helps.

Mephibosheth

xPANCAKEx
2009-05-25, 06:48 PM
150 CAD would be fine - seriously, its not the value, its more the care/consideration you put into it

snoopy13a
2009-05-25, 06:51 PM
A couple who were good friends of mine got married this past weekend; they kept it small, and I was not invited. To be fair, I do not return home and haven't seen them in three years, so I can excuse the oversight in invitation.

As I said, though, we were good friends in high school; I set up their prom date; and I felt it appropriate to send down a belated wedding gift.

Thing is, I'm new to that game; I don't know what's appropriate in terms of money. Since they are young newlyweds (21), I was thinking of a cash gift, perhaps to help defray costs on their new apartment when they return.

What's the usual etiquette regarding cash gifts? And the etiquette regarding how much one should give? I don't want to offend by giving either too little or too much.

You can't really offend by giving too little in this situation unless it is insulting in nature like a check for 20 cents. A card by itself would be ok as you did not attend the wedding.

Personally, I'd just send a card but if you want to send a gift, I'd put a max at $50. Otherwise, it could be uncomfortable for the couple.

Canadian
2009-05-25, 07:19 PM
If they didn't invite you and you have not seen them in three years I'd suggest a card with best wishes would be appropriate.

If you want to send a small gift a gift card to a nation wide chain store in the amount of $20 to $50 would be appropriate.

Anything more that that will probably weird them out. If I got a large gift from someone I have not seen in 3 years and never invite over I'd send it back.

Remember gift giving isn't just about what you are comfortable with. It also has to do with what they are comfortable with receiving.

Also they will assume that you expect a gift of equal value for your wedding. This can be intimidating as weddings are expensive as are new homes and raising children.

Even if they earn good money you can expect them to be flat broke for many years to come. They will stretch to make a gift for a close friend's wedding or a relatives. But stretching the budget for a gift to a person who they have not seen in three years will be seen as a painful obligation if they're short on money.

I suggest a card. Add in a small gift if that.

Remember the old saying: It's the thought that counts.

If you just send a card they'll know you were thinking of them.

If you send an overly large gift after not seeing them for three years and not inviting you to the wedding - they'll WONDER WTF YOU'RE THINKING.

Keep it small and simple.

Plus I'm Canadian so I know our customs pretty well.

LadyMeyers
2009-05-26, 04:57 PM
I would go with no more than $50 USD. When my husband and I got married, I think the average gift was actually a little lower than that.

Plus, the average cost per plate at a wedding is somewhere between $30 and $50. If you go with that estimate, then $50 is appropriate whether you attended the wedding or not.

xPANCAKEx
2009-05-26, 05:02 PM
canadian makes some good points

THAC0
2009-05-26, 05:44 PM
I would go with no more than $50 USD. When my husband and I got married, I think the average gift was actually a little lower than that.

Plus, the average cost per plate at a wedding is somewhere between $30 and $50. If you go with that estimate, then $50 is appropriate whether you attended the wedding or not.

$30-$50? Where do you live? That's awesomely cheap! :smallsmile:

The cheapest we could get two years ago for a buffet style dinner, not even sit-down, was $70.

Canadian
2009-05-27, 11:23 AM
$30-$50? Where do you live? That's awesomely cheap! :smallsmile:

The cheapest we could get two years ago for a buffet style dinner, not even sit-down, was $70.

I used to work in the restaurant supply business. $70 American or Canadian is a lot for a stand up buffet. If you're in a small town you may be at the mercy of only a handful of catering companies.

In any big city shopping around should yield results from $15 - $50 for a full service sit down meal. You just gotta shop around. Negotiation is also key. For $70 USD I'd expect a multi course sit down with crystal and silverware serving foie & truffles and other expensive food items.


canadian makes some good points

Woot! Thanks. :smallsmile:


I would go with no more than $50 USD. When my husband and I got married, I think the average gift was actually a little lower than that.

Plus, the average cost per plate at a wedding is somewhere between $30 and $50. If you go with that estimate, then $50 is appropriate whether you attended the wedding or not.

I agree! This would be the common North American convention.

Mauve Shirt
2009-05-27, 11:37 AM
I have the same problem. The couple is 21 and 22, and they're registered at Target. Being poor, I don't want to spend more than $30. I think a gift card will be absolutely alright, but then I'm also making them a pillow. I'm not spending $70 on your espresso machine, guys.

valadil
2009-05-27, 12:31 PM
I usually give $50 wedding gifts. More if I'm involved in the wedding party or know the people really well. I have no idea where I got the idea that that was an appropriate amount.

Joran
2009-05-27, 12:48 PM
Well, I come from an Asian background, so cash gifts don't really bother me. It's traditional for us, wrapped in a pretty red envelope. That said, I think other people think gift cards show some more thought, even if it locks the receiver into a store he never frequents.

I agree, $220 seems a bit much for someone you haven't seen in a while and weren't invited to the wedding. I would tone it down to around $100 (US), maybe in an easily redeemable gift format like Amazon (everybody uses Amazon!) or so, and a nice card wishing them a happy future together.

You could also buy something off their registry if they have one along with the card.

P.S. Getting married last year, I think relatively wealthy relatives spent $200-$400, cousins and peers gave me around $100-$200. One friend gave me $1K, which I fully intend on returning when he gets married.

LadyMeyers
2009-05-27, 05:02 PM
$30-$50? Where do you live? That's awesomely cheap! :smallsmile:

The cheapest we could get two years ago for a buffet style dinner, not even sit-down, was $70.

Well, when we got married a little shy of three years ago (and we were both 22 at the time), our per plate price was $32.95 each and that was one of the mid-priced options (I think the lowest was ~$24 and the highest was ~$55). And that was served to us sit-down style, including the wedding cake (from an outside--and fantastic--bakery), an open bar, and appetizers as well.

THAC0
2009-05-27, 05:07 PM
I used to work in the restaurant supply business. $70 American or Canadian is a lot for a stand up buffet. If you're in a small town you may be at the mercy of only a handful of catering companies.

In any big city shopping around should yield results from $15 - $50 for a full service sit down meal. You just gotta shop around. Negotiation is also key. For $70 USD I'd expect a multi course sit down with crystal and silverware serving foie & truffles and other expensive food items.



Now that I'm thinking clearly after a night's sleep, I recall that our $70 a person cost also included facility rental, cake, appetizers, an hour of open bar, and hotel room. Ooops. :smallredface:

Canadian
2009-05-27, 07:39 PM
Now that I'm thinking clearly after a night's sleep, I recall that our $70 a person cost also included facility rental, cake, appetizers, an hour of open bar, and hotel room. Ooops. :smallredface:

That's more like it! :smallsmile:

Felixaar
2009-05-28, 03:12 AM
Something I've learned about wedding gifts, dead animals are usually frowned upon.

Even if you went to all the trouble of catching them yourself.

Zeb The Troll
2009-05-28, 04:08 AM
At our wedding almost a year ago, the vast majority of gifts were between $25 and $50. These were from close family and distant relatives alike. I think it'd be reasonable to double that without it coming across as a charity offering, but likely not much more if your friend is particularly sensitive about that kind of thing. If they were registered somewhere, it would probably be nice to make it a gift card for there, or order a gift from there that's in your range.

Xapi
2009-05-28, 03:23 PM
I have to disagree with most posters.

I dislike being given cash as a present.

If you know me enough, you'd know what to give me as a present. If you don't, you shouldn't be buying me presents anyway.

Besides, anything you do at this point will sound be perceived as one of two:

1 - Showing off how well you're doing
2 - Reprimending them for not inviting you in a passive-agressive form.

My advice is this:

Give them a call, and sincerely congratulate them and tell them you're happy for them.

If you really want to give them a present, ask them if there's anything they need for their (I presume) new house.

You can do it as a comment, like "Hey, are you all settled yet, got everything you need?" or the more direct approach "You know, I really wanted to get you guys something for your new house, but I have no idea what to get you, any thoughts?".

On the other hand, if you ever want to make me a present, like, for my great advice, I'd take any of the OoTS books with great delight.









What? No harm in trying...

Canadian
2009-05-28, 07:14 PM
Besides, anything you do at this point will sound be perceived as one of two:

1 - Showing off how well you're doing
2 - Reprimending them for not inviting you in a passive-agressive form.



EXACTLY! I couldn't have said it better. :smallbiggrin:

Alarra
2009-05-28, 08:11 PM
I don't think that I would go more than $100 if you're concerned that they might take it the wrong way. As Zeb said, most people gave $25-50 at our wedding, and I know whenever we got more than $100 from any one person we were rather surprised by it.

Canadian
2009-05-28, 08:12 PM
Where did the OP go? I want to know what happened? What option will they choose? I can't wait to find out!?!:smallsmile:

BlueWizard
2009-05-28, 09:44 PM
$20 if you're broke.

Zeb The Troll
2009-05-28, 10:58 PM
I dislike being given cash as a present.We specifically asked for cash/gift cards because we live in Maryland and were getting married in South Dakota. Try lugging all that stuff onto a plane.

Even if travel were not the issue, I would never be disappointed by getting cash or a gift card.

Especially when looking at a couple starting a new life togehter, there are many things that are far too expensive to register for or request that are still necessary and that cash can help to offset these things.

(For example, we desperately need a new dryer. Unfortunately, we had to use a large chunk of our money replacing root clotted pipes. :smallfrown:)

For this reason there is a difference in etiquette between giving money as a wedding gift and giving money as, say, a birthday gift.

afroakuma
2009-05-28, 11:02 PM
Zeb, Alarra, thanks for the advice. The rest of you as well.

I think I'll go the $100 route, then. I can see the point that Xapi had as well; he's a coffee jerk and she's a waitress; I'm attending Cirque du Soleil with seven guests. I have no wish to either reprimand them (like I said, I get it) or rub their noses in anything, but all too often people get uncomfortable with money around me.

Canadian
2009-05-29, 09:35 AM
all too often people get uncomfortable with money around me.

Considering that most people in this thread recommended a $50 gift as normal especially for a couple with low income jobs - is it any wonder that people get uncomfortable with you around money - when you want to throw a $400 gift at people who have not seen you in three years and didn't bother to invite you to the wedding?

Perhaps you should consider how to deal with money and relationships in a healthy manner. I get from the inflection of your post - and the fact that you "dropped" the fact that you're taking so many people to the fancy circus - that you care quite a lot how complete strangers perceive your personal wealth.

I also get the feeling that you think the issues around money are everyone else's problem and they're the freaks. I think you'll find out that most people have a healthy attitude towards money and yours is the one that's somewhat off.

Just sending the card with no money in it would be the purest sign of good will and best wishes. If you really care about them and want to connect with them as a friend that's the best route. You come off as being more honest the less over the top your gift is.

Giving $100 just because most people said $50 is appropriate just makes you stick out more for the wrong reasons. I'd give a gift in the average amount of $50 to the waitress and coffee guy and let the words and feelings in your card speak for you. Throwing extra money in just skews their perception of the whole thing. Put your gift on an equal footing with others so your words can be judged fairly. You can't bribe people into liking you.

That's my $0.02.

Xapi
2009-05-29, 09:59 AM
A phone call...

Send the card or the money or an actual present, whatever, but call them.

Otherwise, you just don't care. And if you don't care, why make a present?

Canadian
2009-05-29, 10:11 AM
A phone call...

Send the card or the money or an actual present, whatever, but call them.

Otherwise, you just don't care. And if you don't care, why make a present?

From now on you can count me as automatically agreeing with whatever Xapi says. Here's someone who's got it nailed! :smallsmile:

afroakuma
2009-05-29, 10:19 AM
Perhaps you should consider how to deal with money and relationships in a healthy manner. I get from the inflection of your post - and the fact that you "dropped" the fact that you're taking so many people to the fancy circus - that you care quite a lot how complete strangers perceive your personal wealth.

No, frankly, I do not. I said that deliberately as an indicator of how and why I feel the situation is, in fact, skewed.


I also get the feeling that you think the issues around money are everyone else's problem and they're the freaks. I think you'll find out that most people have a healthy attitude towards money and yours is the one that's somewhat off.

Again, no. I am well aware that I have an unusual perspective on the subject.


Giving $100 just because most people said $50 is appropriate just makes you stick out more for the wrong reasons. I'd give a gift in the average amount of $50 to the waitress and coffee guy and let the words and feelings in your card speak for you. Throwing extra money in just skews their perception of the whole thing. Put your gift on an equal footing with others so your words can be judged fairly. You can't bribe people into liking you.

That's my $0.02.

So, your determination is that because I'm generous I'm trying to bribe people into liking me?

What do I care? I haven't seen them for three years, and I probably won't see them in the next three. It has nothing to do with "extra money" or trying to beat others to the punch, and everything to do with the fact that, although I do have a skewed point of view, I can still recognize that newlyweds with a new apartment and two university degrees to finish probably have a lot of uses for any extra cash.

What's $50, to me? $10 times 5. What's $10? A basic lunch. That's how I look at this. "Here's five meals at Subway, courtesy of me." It's no skin off my back either way, and I know they'll put it to better use than I will.

And really, what's $10 to anyone? A ticket to the movies, a fast-food dinner, laundry supplies. You give $25 gift cards to the theatre for birthdays and Christmas; I'd like to think a wedding is something more special than that.

Xapi
2009-05-29, 10:38 AM
No, frankly, I do not. I said that deliberately as an indicator of how and why I feel the situation is, in fact, skewed.



Again, no. I am well aware that I have an unusual perspective on the subject.



So, your determination is that because I'm generous I'm trying to bribe people into liking me?

What do I care? I haven't seen them for three years, and I probably won't see them in the next three. It has nothing to do with "extra money" or trying to beat others to the punch, and everything to do with the fact that, although I do have a skewed point of view, I can still recognize that newlyweds with a new apartment and two university degrees to finish probably have a lot of uses for any extra cash.

What's $50, to me? $10 times 5. What's $10? A basic lunch. That's how I look at this. "Here's five meals at Subway, courtesy of me." It's no skin off my back either way, and I know they'll put it to better use than I will.

And really, what's $10 to anyone? A ticket to the movies, a fast-food dinner, laundry supplies. You give $25 gift cards to the theatre for birthdays and Christmas; I'd like to think a wedding is something more special than that.

I'd like to clarify that I don't think your intentions are bad or anything, and I don't agree with the general tone of Canadian's post.

I'm just giving you the advice you asked for from my point of view..

afroakuma
2009-05-29, 10:42 AM
Xapi, I can assure you that was aimed at Canadian. Your earlier post expressed my exact concerns on the matter.

Canadian
2009-05-29, 10:43 AM
What's $50, to me? $10 times 5. What's $10? A basic lunch. That's how I look at this. "Here's five meals at Subway, courtesy of me." It's no skin off my back either way, and I know they'll put it to better use than I will.

And really, what's $10 to anyone? A ticket to the movies, a fast-food dinner, laundry supplies. You give $25 gift cards to the theatre for birthdays and Christmas; I'd like to think a wedding is something more special than that.

It's that old saying again. It's the thought that counts.

Since everyone knows you don't care about money when you give it as a gift it is meaningless to the person who receives it. Why give a thoughtless gift?

If you want to make a real impression call them up. Congratulate them over the phone. Offer to come over on a weekend and help them paint their new apartment. That's a real gift!

It's the thought that counts. Considering the thought that you've attached to your current gift selection - I highly suggest you just send a card - or you're just going to make them uncomfortable after not seeing you for three years.

Otherwise just leave them alone and let them be happy on they honeymoon. After three years and no invitation their life is none of your business anyway.

afroakuma
2009-05-29, 10:52 AM
It's that old saying again. It's the thought that counts.

Since everyone knows you don't care about money when you give it as a gift it is meaningless to the person who receives it. Why give a thoughtless gift?

:smallconfused: Yes, clearly my gift is completely thoughtless, which is why I've obviously spent no time considering it and have not put any emotion or rationale behind it.


If you want to make a real impression call them up. Congratulate them over the phone.

I have already done so.


It's the thought that counts. Considering the thought that you've attached to your current gift selection - I highly suggest you just send a card - or you're just going to make them uncomfortable after not seeing you for three years.

Yes, obviously going to Hallmark and handing over five bucks is more thoughtful than taking the time to consider their wants and needs and making sure I dispatch a considerate gift.


Otherwise just leave them alone and let them be happy on they honeymoon. After three years and no invitation their life is none of your business anyway.

You think we don't talk? I simply said I hadn't seen them. I know why I wasn't invited, and I felt the reasons quite logical and sufficient.

And who are you to decide whose lives are "none of my business?" If they had expressed such, or if there was bad blood between us, I could accept that argument. This is a simple distance thing and hasn't stopped us from communicating. Anyone here get well-wishes from someone they hadn't seen in a long time and have their first reaction be "Hey! It's none of your business whether I'm married or not!!!" ?

I don't know why this matter is so near and dear to your heart, and I certainly don't know why you've gone on the offensive, but it's not helping anyone.

Supagoof
2009-05-29, 11:14 AM
Okay you two I gotta say this - Don't hate the Playa, hate the game!

Canadian - he's just trying to do a nice thing. I'm certain other things (like how Afro carries himself around friends) are a topic for another thread if and only if Afro is worried about the issue. I know you mean well, but let's help him with the question at hand, not any possible issues around it. [/soapbox apologies for sticking my nose in it.]

Afroakuma - you are being very thoughtful and I think the amount you settled on is awesome. Like Zeb and Alarra said, gifts of that amount are appreciated. I know the highest amount my wife and I received was $150 from a great uncle and aunt which we rarely see, and in no way were we offended. I don't think we ever sat back and said - hey they gave us more then [insert closer relative X]. That makes us grumpy. :smalltongue: (until now actually, and I still don't care)

In the excitement of the wedding and gifts received (from the showers and wedding itself), I'm certain they won't take offense to any of it. The biggest concern my wife and I had with gifts was making sure that we remember who gave us what to properly thank them.

And if cash is what you are avoiding, and gift cards seem "well I know them better then that!" to you, consider the following....

A night on the town - like a gift certificate to dinner and tickets to a show for the two of them. A note with it saying "Just because you're married doesn't mean you can't go on dates...." or something like that shows the gift if for there union and not a gift because you wanted to give a gift. $100 in a small town will go a long way on this. And if the town is so small that there are no "big chain" places where you can buy it in your local area and mail to them to use in their local area - try picking up the phone to a place in their local area. You'd be surprised how accomodating a local retaurant is when someone wants to buy something over the phone.

Or getting them something off a registry - chances are that if they did register somewhere, they probably got duplicates. Most places that have registries allow duplicates to be returned for cash value - so if they already have it, then boom - it becomes a gift card/cash without being presented as a gift card/cash. And if they don't have it - Woot! You got them something they wanted.

You're doing a nice thing. Kudos to you for that!

afroakuma
2009-05-29, 11:35 AM
A night on the town - like a gift certificate to dinner and tickets to a show for the two of them. A note with it saying "Just because you're married doesn't mean you can't go on dates...." or something like that shows the gift if for there union and not a gift because you wanted to give a gift. $100 in a small town will go a long way on this. And if the town is so small that there are no "big chain" places where you can buy it in your local area and mail to them to use in their local area - try picking up the phone to a place in their local area. You'd be surprised how accomodating a local retaurant is when someone wants to buy something over the phone.

Now that's an interesting idea; I did arrange their prom date, and I think I remember the name of the restaurant. I could send them back...

Canadian
2009-05-29, 11:47 AM
Now that's an interesting idea; I did arrange their prom date, and I think I remember the name of the restaurant. I could send them back...

I get it. You feel left out because you think if it wasn't for you they never would have met in the first place.

Now it all makes sense. :smallsmile:

Xapi
2009-05-29, 01:43 PM
Now that's an interesting idea; I did arrange their prom date, and I think I remember the name of the restaurant. I could send them back...

Well, that would be a very thoughtful thing, I think.

afroakuma
2009-05-29, 05:31 PM
I get it. You feel left out because you think if it wasn't for you they never would have met in the first place.

Uhh... no. In fact, you're 100% wrong. This is not a surprise.