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Admiral Squish
2009-05-26, 08:25 AM
Hey, playground. Probably the wrong place to start for advice on this, but I might as well give it a shot.I've recently had something of an identity crisis. I realized I've spent most of my life trying to live someone else's. So, now I have a problem. I'm cutting back on the time I spend on D&D, internet, and all that, and trying to build myself a real life, in the real world, with real people doing real things. Only problem is, I really have no idea where to start. I'll be soliciting advice from a bunch of people around here, so even if you don't know or can't help, I'll probably be okay.

So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

The Rose Dragon
2009-05-26, 08:41 AM
- Take classes on various hobbies. Painting, music, dancing, all sorts of stuff.
- Play RPGs. They're a great hobby to get social.
- A date doesn't go "normally" ever. Try going DVD hunting, though. That's always fun (and helps you learn the other person's tastes a bit).
- Just try talking with people (which will include a lot of listening, so be prepared). You'd be amazed how things change if you just talk randomly. You won't be BFF with every single person you talk to, but you'll have some good friends and numerous friendly acquaintances.

Thanatos 51-50
2009-05-26, 08:43 AM
So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

Because I'm pretty tired, you get outlined 'answers'. Extrapolation later, if someone else didn't beat me to the punch and is a great deal more useful.

1> Bars. But, since we're barring that (No pun intended), go out to parties, festivals, what-have-yous. Work and school have always served as great "Starting points" for branching out your social circle for me. If you have room-mates, they're pretty great people to know.

2> D&D, Video Games, Internets...
In all seriousness - what catches your fancy? Wanted to try something ever? Have at it!

3> Your mind has zero experiance, your body (meaning instincts and evolutionary traits) know exactly what's going on. Be yourself, be natural. You can figure everything out on your own easily. Women aren't as big a mystery as we all think they are. Most women are just like any nother human being you'll meet.

4> Um... cheesecake is delicious? Cooking is a good skill to practice?
Beware the Ides of June?

Canadian
2009-05-26, 09:00 AM
Talk to the most popular person you know. Ask them to introduce you to the most popular person they know. Then ask them to do the same. Ask the most popular person to take you shopping. Let them pick out clothes for you, get your hair cut, new shoes etc.

Once you look good just start talking to people all the time. If you're not into sports join the gun club. Get a cool car and drive fast everywhere. Start drinking. Get confident and act like a bit of a jerk. Next thing you know the world will come to you.

All girls are girlfriend material. Try em' all. See if they fit.

The outer changes cause the inner changes. The inner changes make you happy. Why do you think those makeover shows work so well? They key is fashion, "cool" hobbies, and running your mouth 24/7.

Totally Guy
2009-05-26, 11:27 AM
I'm going to try speed dating next month. If I don't find true love at least I'll know loads more people.

I did the cool car thing back in October which worked out quite well. It is a buyer's market for the meantime.

I had a girlfriend at the start of the year and I managed that by talking to friends about girls they knew to set me up with. But! I didn't allow wait for it to happen. I approached the girl on facebook and told her I suspected there was matchmaking going on and that i'd be happy to meet her.

Edit: I'm sure I mentioned in one of these current threads a questionable hobby I was going to try...:smallwink:

Canadian
2009-05-26, 11:30 AM
You don't even have to buy a cool car. When I say "get" a cool car I mean just that. Get one. You can borrow one, rent one, or through some other arrangement get your hands on one. As long as you're driving it who cares who owns it?

If you drive a cool car, do cool stuff, dress cool, and act cool the party will come to you. Like I said it's outside changes first. The inside changes follow right along.

Berserk Monk
2009-05-26, 11:33 AM
Hey, playground. Probably the wrong place to start for advice on this, but I might as well give it a shot.I've recently had something of an identity crisis. I realized I've spent most of my life trying to live someone else's. So, now I have a problem. I'm cutting back on the time I spend on D&D, internet, and all that, and trying to build myself a real life, in the real world, with real people doing real things. Only problem is, I really have no idea where to start. I'll be soliciting advice from a bunch of people around here, so even if you don't know or can't help, I'll probably be okay.

So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

Well, I would just take up some hobbies. Doesn't matter what really. Even if you don't know much about it, that'll give you a chance to ask questions to people and get to know them better. The obvious way to do this is take classes outside of school, or join a club in school.

Narmoth
2009-05-26, 12:05 PM
Larping.
Okay, not the best way to be less geeky, but you meet (and get to hit with padded sticks) a lot of very nice people

xPANCAKEx
2009-05-26, 12:09 PM
don't drink or smoke

Neither do i - but doesn't mean you can't hang out with friends at a bar or a club. Just drink soft drinks and don't flinch when it comes to buying people a drink in return. Infact i have a whole bunch of friends who abstain from booze/drugs/smokes and are all raging party animals

not into sports

are we talking competative sports, or should we just scrub the idea of anything with physical activity involved?

physical activity releases endorphans = good times.

dates/girls/girlfriend material

the RWaA thread is always at your disposal, or drop any of the regulars a PM if you want to keep things off the open airwaves. But as a side point, every date will be different - so its best to keep your expectations down to simply 'just have fun'.

the issue of what makes girlfriend material boils down you who you are as a person. As a rough guide you should a) get along b) enjoy their company c) be excited by them. The detail of that i can leave up to you. Just don't ever date someone to 'have' someone though. Just don't.

general advice

you might have to take your self out of comfort zone at times to experiance what the world is like. You might enjoy some things. you might hate others. But until you try, you'll never know

Hazkali
2009-05-26, 12:14 PM
On the "not drinking" front (if you are under the legal age in your area, this is not a solicitation to break the law, but please bear in mind my advice for the future): moderate consumption of alcohol is a normal adult activity, and has a lot of social repercussions that go with it. Unless you don't drink for a prescribed health reason or for moral beliefs, then I would advise you to give it a go for the following reasons:

1) Your choice of favourite beverage, as well as the ability to choose good examples, will give you respect among the groups of people for which that beverage is associated. For example, a good taste in wine is necessary for moving about the upper classes, whereas a taste in good beer will help you more for the traditional working class.

2) Alcohol is a nervous system depressant- it suppresses a lot of social anxiety. I don't mean this as a recommendation to use it as a crutch in social situations (that way lies alcoholism) but to be aware that a moderate amount will relax social inhibitions, making it naturally easier to be open and chatty.

3) Alcohol and its consumption, for better or for worse, is part-and-parcel of all western ritual. From Christenings to funerals, people use it as an excuse to alter their mental state. It's a wise move to become acquainted with how people behave (and how you behave) with alcohol.

4) It's fun. Being in a mildly intoxicated state is a pleasant change to the normal state that we live in.

So, whilst I appreciate that your reason for not drinking may run fairly deeply, if its simply a case of "Alcohol is yucky/expensive/other reason" then I would encourage you to challenge your perceptions.

valadil
2009-05-26, 12:22 PM
If you're in college, I highly recommend joining clubs. I did a lot of that freshman year and by sophomore year I stopped going because I met enough people that I didn't have time for clubs anymore. And this is coming from someone who would break out in a nervous sweat for even thinking of talking to girls in high school. If you really wanna get more social, joining up a with a theater troupe (even as a lowly stage hand) is great. You'll get invited to a lot of parties that way and no you don't have to drink at parties.

Starshade
2009-05-26, 01:08 PM
Roleplaying D&D can be teaching real life skills, and in any case its a bit more creative a past time than many other activities you could choose to try.
Roleplaying or Larping isnt the worst activity, honestly, ive not known a single roleplayer in RL without social competence and "real life" skills, with a life, able to get a GF, etc. :smallsmile:

When it come to sport, that is hard to sugest. We are all different, we got different taste, athletic skills etc.
Myself? Ive been a semi couch potato playing games, but i started to train capoeira (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgJcdbVYggE).
It really didnt feel at all natural at first, didnt even manage to do a pushup when i started (,never have before, to be honest, as far i know).
If you want to try a sport, try find one you like. Where you live probably influence your options a bit, but its amazing how much progress you can do. Ive realized, i will suceed doing things i never dreamed possible 1-2 years ago someday, and i get to meet a lot of interesting people too. :smallsmile:

Don Julio Anejo
2009-05-26, 01:19 PM
1. Meeting people:

Bars suck for meeting people unless you randomly sit at the bar (at the actual bar, not the table) and talk to strangers around you and more often than not you'll look funny if you sit at a bar for an hour drinking coke. Nightclubs suck even more for meeting people unless 1. you're good looking, 2. you're confident, 3. you know how to behave in clubs and 4. you're looking to meet a girl.

Instead... Well, clubs (especially ones with outgoing people like theatre) are awesome for it. Just don't pick the physics club or something unless you want to sit and do physics for 3 hours... Also, volunteer work. Again, something fairly social like the YMCA or a summer camp. Or, although don't know how it works where you are, but here I went to volunteer at a hospital to pad my med school application and I can't even begin to describe the amount of cool people that I've met.

Also, why don't you drink? If it's something religious or philosophical, we'll understand. If it's something like "I've seen drunk people and they're idiots," then, well, it's our job to get you to drink. The trick here is not to get hammered, otherwise you're good. In small amounts alcohol is actually a STIMULANT (yeah, 90% of media is wrong about it due to propaganda reasons). Small amounts means 1-2 beers for an average male. Basically, when you're buzzed it's good. Just don't keep drinking past that because after a certain point all you want to do is keep drinking.

Oh, and it's really fun. But in any case, just because you can't drink doesn't mean you can't hang out with people who do. Hanging out with smoking friends may be a bit more annoying but seriously, you're not going to get cancer from second hand smoke for 40 minutes one night a week.

2. Hobbies:

Dunno.. photography? Join a club for something and see if you like it. Even if you didn't, well, you already met some people. Also, when you say you don't like sports, do you mean team sports or any physical activity? Because a buddy of mine organized a dodgeball thing at my university, and well, it's the weirdest thing ever but at the same time surprisingly fun. Even if I suck at throwing balls and badly.

Bonecrusher Doc
2009-05-26, 02:13 PM
Once you get out of school it gets really tough to meet people unless you're into the bar scene, which I'm not. So you pretty much have to join groups to socialize. Here's a list of things that either my siblings or I have done which helped us meet friends, gain real-world experience, have fun/enjoy a hobby, and get to know potential girlfriends/boyfriends.

Martial Arts lessons
Irish dancing (ok, that was my sister)
Junior Chamber of Commerce ("Jaycees")
Habitat for Humanity
Christian Appalachian Project
Society for Creative Anachronism
Church or community musical groups
Roadrunners (Running clubs)

I might be able to think of some more later.

MrEdwardNigma
2009-05-26, 03:20 PM
There's just a lot of stuff to reply to in this thread...


So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
"With those involved"... Does that mean you'll refuse to go anywhere near them, or simply that you'll refuse to actually drink or smoke? I don't think there are any activities that really require you to do either (except for some of the extremer frat boy stuff). If you won't go anywhere near them though, you're crossing all the best places off of your list. Bars, parties, fraternities (I have no idea in what age category you are), even going bowling usually involves alcohol. In general, I think alcohol and cigarettes are an unavoidable phenomenon.


-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
Again, you're crossing some of the best stuff off the list here. You're left with stuff that you seem to be wanting to move away from (D&D is a social activity, but it's on the list of stuff you want to cut down on...). What other hobbies can we suggest? Acting, for instance, would be good. Or you could practise playing an instrument, start a band. Anyways, sports aren't actually too bad an idea. They're healthy and a good place for bonding.


-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
"Girlfriend material" is a very subjective term. Basically it depends on what you are looking for. You just need to find someone you like, and hopefully they'll like you back. As for how a date normally goes, just try to be yourself. Don't try to act "cool". That doesn't mean you should try coming off as a total geek, but being anyone but yourself is just a bad idea. Eventually you'll show your true colours, and it'll just attract people who are interested in this person you're pretending to be, not you. Plus, having to pretend to be someone else will just stress you out more. All of that goes for making friends as well.


- A date doesn't go "normally" ever. Try going DVD hunting, though. That's always fun (and helps you learn the other person's tastes a bit).
DVD hunting is considered a date now? :smalltongue: This is news to me.


3> Your mind has zero experiance, your body (meaning instincts and evolutionary traits) know exactly what's going on. Be yourself, be natural. You can figure everything out on your own easily.
Really? I don't think that's true for everyone. The world would be a much easier place if it were, but I don't think everyone is all that confident and smooth in social situations.


Once you look good just start talking to people all the time. If you're not into sports join the gun club. Get a cool car and drive fast everywhere. Start drinking. Get confident and act like a bit of a jerk. Next thing you know the world will come to you.
Get a cool car and cool clothes and people will like you? :smallconfused: I'm not sure if that's good advice. It's not true for most people anyways. The acting like a jerk (don't overdo it) does tend to be true, but it's something I'm trying to root out. Also, Admiral Squish was pretty clear about his position on drinking, and it is hardly required to make friends.


All girls are girlfriend material. Try em' all. See if they fit.
Do you mean that it really doesn't matter which girl you're dating? That seems a bit... cold to me.

Anyways, the best way to meet people is often just to walk up to them in everyday situations and start talking to them. Something I did in my first year at university was just to go sit next to people I didn't know in class and talk to them. I didn't know anyone when I arrived at university and at the end of the week I knew forty people. If you don't get new friends this way, at least you'll get some practise on the old social skills.

Stormthorn
2009-05-26, 03:34 PM
Dont do what i do.

Seeing as i have no life.

Just dont be me and you should already be improving.

Innis Cabal
2009-05-26, 03:37 PM
Hey, playground. Probably the wrong place to start for advice on this, but I might as well give it a shot.I've recently had something of an identity crisis. I realized I've spent most of my life trying to live someone else's. So, now I have a problem. I'm cutting back on the time I spend on D&D, internet, and all that, and trying to build myself a real life, in the real world, with real people doing real things. Only problem is, I really have no idea where to start. I'll be soliciting advice from a bunch of people around here, so even if you don't know or can't help, I'll probably be okay.

So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

You make it sound like your not living. Are you undead? Or perhaps some form of energy?

Your living life. If your not happy with it change things one at a time. Be yourself and do what you like to do. You'll meet people if you just look in your community.

Totally Guy
2009-05-26, 03:49 PM
Don't let anybody change who you are or you'll end up right back at the start with the identity crisis.

Of course that doesn't mean you can justify endless lonely evening indoors by defining yourself as that person.

Discover what it is you enjoy doing with other and try to find as many people that share that interest with you as you can. And be honest about what you want with people. If you are looking for specifically for something you will find more of it.

Thanatos 51-50
2009-05-26, 03:54 PM
Really? I don't think that's true for everyone. The world would be a much easier place if it were, but I don't think everyone is all that confident and smooth in social situations.

Really? Humans are social creatures. I figured that somewhere in our inherited instincts there was at least a Charisma score of 10.
I'm wrong, I guess. That's not an uncommon phenomenon.

MrEdwardNigma
2009-05-26, 03:55 PM
Really? Humans are social creatures. I figured that somewhere in our inherited instincts there was at least a Charisma score of 10.
I'm wrong, I guess. That's not an uncommon phenomenon.
My total lack of instincts of any kind tell me you're indeed wrong. But I'll admit your point of view makes sense.

Pyrian
2009-05-26, 04:03 PM
Humans are social creatures. I figured that somewhere in our inherited instincts there was at least a Charisma score of 10.No, no. It's at least a charisma score of 3. ...By definition, of course, since a D&D stat of 3 is literally defined as the natural human minima.

Erloas
2009-05-26, 04:05 PM
So, whilst I appreciate that your reason for not drinking may run fairly deeply, if its simply a case of "Alcohol is yucky/expensive/other reason" then I would encourage you to challenge your perceptions.

I would have to disagree with most of what you said. I know quite a few people that don't drink, they might have something once or twice a year if something is offered to them.

I spent some time going to places where people drink, with friends exclusively and never on my own. Even with friends I don't like going to any of those sorts of places and never enjoyed being at any of them. Its not bad if you have something to drink and you are at someone's house, but any place you go out to drink I would rather not be at.

I'm sure I'm not the only one, but alcohol does almost nothing to me in terms of making me more social. If anything it makes me less social, and that is a hard task. It gives me a headache after only a few drinks of just about anything and thats all I ever get out of it. I've been everywhere between a few drinks and not really able to stand up and I've never seen the appeal to it, it was never fun, it never made me more outgoing. (My cousin would get mad because I could take shots better then him and he drank all the time and I almost never did)

The only people I've ran into that make anything of what people like to drink are people that like to drink a fair amount. I've never seen it as a way to relate to people outside of a situation where you are already drinking with them.

As for loosening inhibitions, thats as much just people wanting to act like that as anything else. Sure some people change a fair amount, but a lot of people start "acting" like they are drunk as soon as they get into the situation where its acceptable even if they've had very little to drink. There is a "cultural type" (not really sure how to say what I'm trying to say here) to people that drink a fair amount that simply does not appeal to other people.


I used to go to places with smoking and drinking to "hand out" with people and to be more social and the conclusion I came to was that I was much happier with life by avoiding those sorts of places, even if it meant not being very social. Even if I go to them and don't drink, I get no enjoyment from those places or being with any of the people that are there, except for the small group I went with when it was just as likely we would have at least as much fun doing anything else with those same people.



One mistake the OP seems to be making is that you don't have to change what you like to be more social. You just have to find people that like the same things as you do. I have meet and became friends with a lot more people playing Warhammer, 40k, and Battletech then I have through jobs and school. The people I did become friends with in school and through work were all people that liked to do the same sorts of things, like gaming. You don't have to give up gaming to be more social, although you might have to find more social games. Find gaming groups where people get together to play games rather then just at home.

There is the misconception in the USA (and probably a lot of the rest of the world) that unless you are being "social" and going out and doing things with large groups of people then you aren't having fun. From what I've seen though, most of the people that are only moderately social and don't go out a lot are generally much more content with life and happier all around then those that are always going out and are the "really social" people.

Micate
2009-05-26, 04:27 PM
So, basically, I need all the help I can get to figure out what I'm supposed to do. A couple questions that will need answering:
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

Sounds like me, only I don't have a problem with drinking and got used to being around cigarettes during high school (Senior year your allowed to go off campus for food, which pretty much meant the one Mexican restaurant within walking distance, which seemed to attract smokers like a magnet).

What I'm doing? Pretty much what was suggested. I'm starting with working out more (although with almost crippling social anxiety, I'm mostly just working out at home), and when I feel better about myself (and when my family is done living in my apartment) I'm going to find a bar I'm comfortable with, have a few drinks at the bar (vs tables) and try talking to people.
The other thing I'm doing is keeping my ear to the ground, seeing if any events/etc are happening in my area and if I'm interested, attending.

And failing that, I'm really not to happy with my job right now, so I may be going back to school where finding people won't be a problem.

Don Julio Anejo
2009-05-26, 07:07 PM
A minor comment: the reason it's better if you're at least OK with drinking beers is that the easiest way to become friends with a person is to ask them: "Hey, [name], would you like to go and grab a few beers with me [time]?"

It helps if you know a decent bar you like close by.

Seriously, about 75% of men and 50-60% of women will go along with it. With women it helps to add "Nope, I'm not hitting on you despite sending mixed messages, I just want to be friends." This sends a very mixed message that makes sure you're not hitting on her but is at the same time mixed enough to leave room for improvement..

Surprisingly people prefer going for coffee than for beers. No idea why.. :frown:

Kaelaroth
2009-05-26, 07:15 PM
Try a beginner's dance/acting thing. It'll be physical, but not so much that you'll be totally out of your depth, and everyone there will be as awful as you might be, what with it being "beginner's". Plus, you'll meet lots of new people - and if you don't like it, it's not so huge a commitment?
This next one's only definite for UKers (it most likely exists everywhere elsewhere, but I don't know for sure): join a fun-hiking group. Similar to dance: lots of people, physical, but not super-taxing. Plus, pretty scenery?!

Pyrian
2009-05-26, 07:36 PM
Surprisingly people prefer going for coffee than for beers. No idea why.. :frown:I've found that it's usually much easier to have a conversation in a coffee shop than in a bar or club.

Icewalker
2009-05-26, 08:07 PM
I'll just reiterate the idea that the things you are talking about trying to cut down on should become the hobbies you're looking for, at least slightly: things like dnd make fine assorted activities.

Don Julio Anejo
2009-05-26, 08:23 PM
I'll just reiterate the idea that the things you are talking about trying to cut down on should become the hobbies you're looking for, at least slightly: things like dnd make fine assorted activities.
DnD may be fun if you're into that but it's not a good way to meet people, especially if you're looking for different people. I mean the whole point of DnD is to hang out with the same group of people for a long time at a preset time, and chances are at least half of those people will be your friends to begin with.

Faulty
2009-05-26, 08:40 PM
The best way to meet people you'll get along with is to do very specific things which will land you with people with similar opinions and likes. Join a book club related to your favorite genre of literature. Go to political demonstrations related to your political opinions. If you're religious, join a church/temple/mosque/gurdwara/etc group. If you're, say, a vegetarian, find vegetarian cooking classes.

If you're looking to get into something new, I suggest dance classes. Seriously.

Canadian
2009-05-26, 09:25 PM
Get a cool car and cool clothes and people will like you? :smallconfused: I'm not sure if that's good advice. It's not true for most people anyways.

Do you mean that it really doesn't matter which girl you're dating? That seems a bit... cold to me.



It is true that people who look cool and do cool stuff are more popular. Open your eyes. That's how the world works. It's far easier to attract people to you than go chasing after them.

All girls are girlfriend material. There's someone for everyone in this world. I don't any girl is undateable.

Faulty
2009-05-26, 09:30 PM
It is true that people who look cool and do cool stuff are more popular. Open your eyes. That's how the world works. It's far easier to attract people to you than go chasing after them.

Doing what is "cool" and "popular" for the sake of being cool and popular is arguably bad advice. I would suggest he be honest with himself, find what he likes, and live authentically, instead. Loving yourself and getting out is all you need to attract people to you.

MethosH
2009-05-26, 09:42 PM
I'm not even bothering to read all those adivices lol...

So here is what I have to say..

1 - Places to go:

Well... Don't drink + don't smoke is not really the problem... The problem is... Can you be with people that do those things? If the answer is yes you can try parties and similar places... Music shows... etc... If the answer is no I recommend classes and/or philosophic meetings.

2 - Hobbies:

Don't like sports? Well... you should REALLY try sports... I mean... it's not that you don't like it; you just haven't found a sport that attracts you. But if you are just a lazy guy you can try Yoga... or Theater... or Music...

3 - Girls Girls Girls:

I have a lot of trouble with the definition of "Date"... But anyway... Girls are easy to please at first, your problem will be if you stay with her for a very long time lol. The best tip is to be natural, try to talk with her, if nothing happens, at least it was a nice try, bring the next one :smallbiggrin: You will learn from your mistakes.

4 - General advice:

Instead of dumping your internet life, try to bring it to your real life. Invite your internet friends over... I don't know... Most of those people out there are just the kind of people you don't really want to hang out with.

Faulty
2009-05-26, 09:44 PM
Oh, one thing about dating. Dates are to get to know people. Don't wait around getting to be friends with someone you like, expecting them to jump into your arms eventually. Ask them out.

Erloas
2009-05-26, 10:02 PM
As for meeting people, it does no good to meet people you don't have anything in common with. You can meet 1000 people at bars, but unless you like the type of people that hang out at bars its not going to do you any good. The likelyhood of meeting someone at a bar that only goes there rarily is not very high. It would be much more likely durning some special event, but not most of the time.

Its much better to be friends with 5 people you enjoy hanging out with then having 50 friends you just hang out with because it seems like the thing to do.
If you try to fit into a group of people you don't really feel like you belong to you are just going to make things more difficult on yourself. You will end up with worse "identity crisis" then what you already have.

Everyone is different of course and what works well for someone isn't going to work well for someone else. And what makes one person happy could very likely be exactly the opposite of what makes someone else happy.

There was a kid I knew since I was about 5 and we keep trying to be friends for quite a while, but after 15-20 years I realised that the only thing we had in common was the fact that when we were both 5 we lived across the street from eachother. Its not that I dislike him, but I absolutely hate pretty much everything he likes doing and he doesn't get anything I like doing. I simply stopped talking to him because neither of us were getting anything from being friends anymore and hadn't for a long time.

Not saying what I have to say is any better then what anyone else has to say. But I had similiar thoughts probably 4-5 years ago and went through some of the same things you are bringing up. Pretty much nothing at all has changed, I still do the same things and have a small group of friends, but I'm happier about it too. Its as much about acknowledging who you are and accepting that then anything else. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or what other people think you are supposed to ack like and what you should want to do.

Don Julio Anejo
2009-05-26, 10:09 PM
It is true that people who look cool and do cool stuff are more popular. Open your eyes. That's how the world works. It's far easier to attract people to you than go chasing after them.

All girls are girlfriend material. There's someone for everyone in this world. I don't any girl is undateable.

Doing what is "cool" and "popular" for the sake of being cool and popular is arguably bad advice. I would suggest he be honest with himself, find what he likes, and live authentically, instead. Loving yourself and getting out is all you need to attract people to you.
Partly agree and disagree with both. Appearance matters only so far as... appearance. It's only important for the initial impression. What's important after that is your personality. This leads to a few things..

For one, you can dress depending on what reaction you want to get from other people. Suppose you have the same jeans, shoes and hair... You will still get wildly different responses if you have any of the following: striped polo shirt, basketball jersey 3 sizes too big, unbuttoned dress shirt, dress shirt + blazer.

All of the above can also be considered "cool," even though they will all invoke very different stereotypes.. But you are still pretty much the same person. And you'd still be the same person if you wore your 5 year old anime convention t-shirt that has a bunch of holes in it. Except most people wouldn't think it's cool and you'd probably look much weirder in their eyes.

This can be both a blessing and a curse. If you dress like a cracker (suburban white rapper) but don't act like one it'll just be... weird at the very least. Basically you'll be walking the walk without talking the talk (pardon the bad analogy).

The good part? Clothes are superficial. It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still the same person. Seriously, the only people who tell you to "wear what you like because you shouldn't care what other people think" are the ones who care the most because they constantly have to tell everyone they don't care what others think. If that's the case, then why not wear something nice that people you want to hang out with will like?

And what's quite interesting is that you don't have to stop wearing what you like. You just need to make the effort to go around the mall and find a few styles that are both cool and you like at the same time.

However, if you want to have any long-term success with people, you need to work on social skills. But it doesn't relate to your appearance.

FoE
2009-05-26, 10:15 PM
Your mind has zero experiance, your body (meaning instincts and evolutionary traits) know exactly what's going on. Be yourself, be natural. You can figure everything out on your own easily. Women aren't as big a mystery as we all think they are. Most women are just like any nother human being you'll meet.

Mommy said my natural urges were evil and I shouldn't listen to them because no woman could ever love me and that's also why daddy left.

Oh wait, I'm not supposed to be here.

Tequila Sunrise
2009-05-26, 11:00 PM
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.
-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?
Well, what do you like besides D&D? What kind of area do you live in? I can sympathize with having a hard time finding social places; I don't drink or smoke either and I don't like watching sports. I grew up in a rural area, so most social events happened in someone's backyard.

-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?
I've had a few girlfriends, but I can't remember ever being in a situation resembling a TV/movie "date." If you're like me, you just have to swallow the lump of fear in your throat and invite her to...whatever you want to do.

-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.
This is going to sound cynical, but keep your expectations low. For me at least, the reason I do so much reading, movie watching and gaming is that real people generally bore me. So if I go out to a social event with high expectations I just end up dissapointed and usually home early. But if I go with low expectations, I usually have at least one interesting conversation.

Egiam
2009-05-26, 11:55 PM
-Join a fencing club. It's a sport for people that don't normally like conventional sports.

-Try Archery. Ditto.

-Try Airsoft. Ditto. It's like paintball, but more accurate, less expensive, less painful, easier to manage, and less messy.

-Get an energetic dog.

ghost_warlock
2009-05-27, 12:38 AM
Surprisingly people prefer going for coffee than for beers. No idea why.. :frown:

I've found that it's usually much easier to have a conversation in a coffee shop than in a bar or club.

Also, drinking lots of coffee and then driving home isn't associated with being pulled over by the police or with an increased risk of an auto accident.

Don Julio Anejo
2009-05-27, 12:43 AM
Also, drinking lots of coffee and then driving home isn't associated with being pulled over by the police or with an increased risk of an auto accident.
It is, however, associated with not being able to sleep until 5 AM.

It's just my personal experience that if I ask people out for coffee we're less likely to actually meet and talk. Maybe because when you're inviting someone for coffee, all you want to do is talk... With beer you can also drink beer.

However, my age (21) and demographic (student) probably has something to do with this. That and living downtown (hey, in Vancouver it's actually a really nice area unlike, for example, Baltimore or Detroit).

RabbitHoleLost
2009-05-27, 12:43 AM
Also, drinking lots of coffee and then driving home isn't associated with being pulled over by the police or with an increased risk of an auto accident.

Or waking up to someone of the opposite gender than you are actually attracted to.

The Rose Dragon
2009-05-27, 12:51 AM
Be attracted to all three, then!

Also, it's sex. You're attracted to sex. Gender plays little role in... anything.

Kjata
2009-05-27, 02:29 AM
Talk to the most popular person you know. Ask them to introduce you to the most popular person they know. Then ask them to do the same. Ask the most popular person to take you shopping. Let them pick out clothes for you, get your hair cut, new shoes etc.

That... could be awful advice. The nerd who tries to hang out with the 'cool kids' is the worst kind to them. I know this from experience :smallsigh:

Do you have any cousins with style? That is who taught me how to act, not a bunch of people on a forum. There is only so much telling you what to do can do, you need to see it.

SweetLikeLemons
2009-05-27, 03:10 AM
Well, my advice on the clothing/style thing is to just start paying attention to what is out there. Don't go so far as to let someone else dictate what you should be wearing, that never works out as well as it is depicted in silly teen movies. Just start keeping an eye on what you see people wearing, and what makes people look good, what impressions various clothes give, and most importantly, what you like. Then, start trying things on. Experiment. Find out what looks good on you and sends the message that you want to, but that you still feel comfortable in.

On meeting people: Find things that mesh with your interests, but are still social. For example, if you like to ride your bike, there might be a local bike club that holds events that you could go to. If your interests are narrow or don't lend themselves well to social applications, then start trying new things. Don't misrepresent yourself by pretending to like things that you don't, but see if you can discover any new interests. Even if you don't meet a special girl or make any new best friends, you will probably meet some nice people and have fun. Someone mentioned theater, that was how I really broadened my social circle since leaving school and moving to a new town. If you are into acting or anything related, community theater is generally a place to find fun, welcoming people (and most community theater groups are usually a bit short on male actors, so it is possible it would be a good way to meet girls, too).

On girls and dates: Once you have some interesting interests that you can chat about semi-intelligently, getting to know people should be a lot easier. And, you know, there is always online dating. Depending on the site you go with, it can be just a casual way to meet people who share your interests, and, erm, it worked for me...
Anyway, once you've met a girl, where you take her really depends on the girl, I guess. The boy and I had our first date at a book store, and it was really ideal. You know, public, well lit, casual, inexpensive, there was a cafe for sitting and getting to know each other, as well as plenty of things to talk about, since we both read a lot. I suppose other girls would rather do other things for a first date than compare favorite authors, but I really liked it.

Hazkali
2009-05-27, 05:52 AM
@Erolas: Everyone has their own opinion, and alcohol has quite a range of effects on people. Some people get angry or violent on alcohol, but I still think what I said about the effects of alcohol on people is true in relation to the general population.

As to the places where people drink, it really depends. Obviously, you can't have a conversation in a club, but that isn't why you go. In the same vein, you don't go to a quiet pub to dance. For myself, I'm not a fan of clubs. I like to hear myself think, so I frequent pubs, which in the UK are generally quiet and serve better drinks.

I myself wouldn't hang around and talk to strangers in a bar though, that wasn't what I really meant. I more meant that bars are places where people who know each other can meet up.

However, I think if I had to give one single tip on expanding your social circle, it is this: Learn how to hold a conversation. It sounds easy, but it is a skill that still needs practice and mastery. From personal experience, those of the "geek" persuasion tend to be quite adverse to just making casual small-talk, but this is key to dating and making new acquaintances.

KjeldorMage
2009-05-27, 06:41 AM
There seems to be one issue that is slipping by.

"I've recently had something of an identity crisis. I realized I've spent most of my life trying to live someone else's. So, now I have a problem. I'm cutting back on the time I spend on D&D, internet, and all that, and trying to build myself a real life, in the real world, with real people doing real things. Only problem is, I really have no idea where to start."

To that end, Admiral Squish you have to sit down and evaluate what you actually like. To be a D and D fan and an internet junky is obviously giving you doubts about giving you happieness so it is time to say, "What do I like?" "Do I really like D and D or am I just trying to please someone else?"

My friend from back home had the same problem when trying to fit in with "the cool kids". He started hanging out with them because they all had well-to-do parents, had "cool" mall clothes, and like playing quake. Eventually, as 3rd wave ska and Orange county skater culture spread across the country like a horrible disease, his friends, who wanted to be "cool" all started picking up skateboarding shoes and clothes, watching CKY, and trying to recreate jackass and CKY in their backyards. Well this kid didn't like skateboarding, thought pop punk was for *******, and hated his new skater clothes and sh---y haircut. He did it because he didn't know what to do with his life.

(Note I find CKY and Jackass hilarious but I am in no way condoning the "skatboarding" culture)

He had cousins who got him into dirt biking and heavy metal but he wasn't able to hang out with them as often.

As we all graduated from High School and I started working with this kid, he started to tell me how he was drifting away from his "tight" clique because he had other interests. He said that during his Junior year, that he would cry himself to sleep because he didn't know who he was anymore. He then sat down and wrote out a list of things that interest him and things his friends liked didn't fit too much. He was able to stay friends with him because he honestly liked some of the things they did but he was able to branch out because he knew who he was. Luckily He was able to find a new bunch of friends who liked to ride and party. He tried gaming too but it wasn't for him, probably why we're not closer. But to this end he is a happier person.

What also helped was college. He went to community college and met a lot of people with his interests.

Honestly, for a person who spent time liking, and hopefully still likes D and D (it's ok if you don't though) pursuing more education after finding out what you want in life is key. It will help you to establish your identity and build up confidence because you can train in an occupation. Also the social nature of schools, putting young men and young women in the same place who would never even be together if it wasn't for that school, is a great place to use what you like to find like minded people.

I realized that when I gave into what I really am and actually found it, I was able to influence people to my likes. That is what friendship is though, you find bonds and you sort of morph to the other stuff without losing who you are.

The key is to sit down and not let others tell you what you like but you need to find it yourself. If it means trying things out, go an do it. Once you have the confidence in your life, you will be able to feel fufilled.

Canadian
2009-05-27, 11:17 AM
Step one: Use your appearance to attract people to you and initiate contact.

Step two: Dazzle them with your personality.

If you don't take time to dress well, look cool, and otherwise attract people it does not matter how nice you are on the inside. Step one has to happen before step two happens.

If the guy has no life it's because he's not making step one take place. I don't care how nice you are on the inside. Breaking the ice and attracting people to you is the first step. Superficial or not looks and coolness matter.

If that wasn't the case he'd already have a life and a girlfriend.

If given the choice between being unattractive and shy and attractive and shy - I'd take attractive. It would mean I wouldn't be alone for long.

Besides what's wrong with looking good and being cool? You're all acting like it's a negative thing. There are no drawbacks to being cool unless your a big celebrity and people start stalking you.

Faulty
2009-05-27, 11:29 AM
Partly agree and disagree with both. Appearance matters only so far as... appearance. It's only important for the initial impression.

Well, I agree with this. I just think you don't have to do what's "popular" to do that.

Canadian
2009-05-27, 11:33 AM
Well, I agree with this. I just think you don't have to do what's "popular" to do that.

You don't have to do what's unpopular either. Seeing as you could go either way it sounds like doing the popular thing would be better as the poor guy is wildly unpopular now. Having lots of friends is about being popular.

No friends and no girlfriend = unpopular.

Being popular is the cure to his current situation.

Telonius
2009-05-27, 11:39 AM
Just follow what it says on the cover: DON'T PANIC.

Seriously, the worst thing you can do going into any situation - social or otherwise - is to be afraid of it. It's okay and normal to feel a little nervous. But don't be afraid of it. Just go out and do something you like. If you don't know of anything you like, go out and do something you're reasonably sure you won't hate, and see how you feel afterwards. If you've tried it and didn't like it, that's great! You now know something more about yourself, and you won't waste your time doing that again. Basically, don't pre-define your options of "what to do" down so low that they don't exist. You might actually enjoy the sewing club, or the extreme snowboarders society, or the flag football league, or the geocachers, or all of the above.

Coffeeshops are a good place to go to find out about random local events. Most independent shops have a bulletin board for all sorts of stuff. Local newspapers are another good source; so is the internet, the town hall, your friends, and your local church/synagogue/temple/mosque/stonehenge/whatever. Don't discount community service projects, either.

Faulty
2009-05-27, 11:40 AM
You don't have to do what's unpopular either. Seeing as you could go either way it sounds like doing the popular thing would be better as the poor guy is wildly unpopular now. Having lots of friends is about being popular.

No friends and no girlfriend = unpopular.

Being popular is the cure to his current situation.

Yeah, but it depends on what friends you attract. :smallconfused: Friends and a girlfriend just for the sake of having them is silly, and you probably won't foster positive relationships. He needs to do activities that fit him or that he'd like. Political events, classes, religious events, etc. He can find people there just fine, without being a people sheeperson.

Canadian
2009-05-27, 12:18 PM
Yeah, but it depends on what friends you attract. :smallconfused: Friends and a girlfriend just for the sake of having them is silly, and you probably won't foster positive relationships. He needs to do activities that fit him or that he'd like. Political events, classes, religious events, etc. He can find people there just fine, without being a people sheeperson.

Even if he does activities he won't attract anyone unless he makes himself attractive. Having friends and a girlfriend for the sake of having them beats being a lonely shut in. He has no experience with girls at all. Even if they are superficial girls it's at least some experience.

Besides you're assuming by being "cool" everyone he meets will be a superficial person. Cool and popular people have feelings too. They're a lot more interesting that you think. Plus a lot more fun than people who don't have enough self esteem to care about their appearance.

A lot of "cool" people are way more interesting and fun to be around than plain old average or below average people. A lot of the time cool = confident and this guy needs confidence. It helps to dress the part.

Totally Guy
2009-05-27, 12:22 PM
Even if he does activities he won't attract anyone unless he makes himself attractive.

Being really ugly wasn't even on his list of insecurities. I bet it is now though.:smalltongue:

SDF
2009-05-27, 12:25 PM
It's probably going to be more about confidence and asking people out than attracting them, though. It's almost expected that the guy make the move. There are exceptions, but even the best looking of us aren't always that lucky. *cough* Especially if he is avoiding bars and parties.

Faulty
2009-05-27, 12:44 PM
Even if he does activities he won't attract anyone unless he makes himself attractive. Having friends and a girlfriend for the sake of having them beats being a lonely shut in. He has no experience with girls at all. Even if they are superficial girls it's at least some experience.

Besides you're assuming by being "cool" everyone he meets will be a superficial person. Cool and popular people have feelings too. They're a lot more interesting that you think. Plus a lot more fun than people who don't have enough self esteem to care about their appearance.

A lot of "cool" people are way more interesting and fun to be around than plain old average or below average people. A lot of the time cool = confident and this guy needs confidence. It helps to dress the part.

I'm not arguing against dressing well. I'm arguing that he should dress well and then go pursue his own hobbies.

DamnedIrishman
2009-05-27, 01:27 PM
-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

A lot of advice depends on:

a) How old you are,

b) Whereabouts you are from.

If you could provide this information, then people will have a much easier time tailoring advice to suit what you actually could use.


As for not drinking or smoking... good for you. I practically don't drink or smoke, which is to say that once every now and again I'll have a good malt whiskey after dinner and that is that. I draw your attention to the song Goody Two-Shoes by Adam & the Ants:

"Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?"
"Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?"
Subtle innuendo follows:
:smallwink:

Susil
2009-05-27, 03:08 PM
Irish dancing (ok, that was my sister)




Dude


Ceilidhs are perhaps the most fun and sociable thing you can do in an evening. Don't know where you are, OP, but in the UK you can pretty easily find them. Are they called barn dances stateside? I dunno. But yeah, the whole point of them is dancing with lots of different people, etiquette dictates no girl can turn you down if you ask them first, and you don't have to be a dancer because there's someone up the front calling out what to do next.

Oh, and live folk music is always cool.



Peace

Canadian
2009-05-27, 03:57 PM
I'm not arguing against dressing well. I'm arguing that he should dress well and then go pursue his own hobbies.

His hobbies obviously suck since he's got no experience with women. If he pursues his own hobbies he'll be stuck in the exact same situation he's in now.

He indicated he's looking for a change. He should make a change. Sticking to his guns at this point is terrible advice. He needs to do new things and forget his old hobbies and old way of doing things.

Out with the old and in with the cool.

SweetLikeLemons
2009-05-27, 04:17 PM
No, doing things just because they are "cool" even though he has no interest is not a good plan. Looking bored, confused, and out of your depth is not a good way to attract anyone. Buying trendy clothes only works if you can wear them. Many people cannot and only end up looking silly. Buying stylish clothes that you feel comfortable in is a whole different thing.

And, he says that he doesn't know who he is. Just switching to pretending to be cool is not going to help with that at all. My advice stands. Investigate. Explore. Find out what YOU LIKE and go with it.

"To thine own self be true" is a pretty corny saying, but there is something to it. When you are confident and comfortable with who you are, whoever that may be, it is attractive. One of my best friends in high school dressed like an aging hippy, talked like somebody's grandfather (very formal and fond of slightly archaic words), and his great obsession was the banjo (he released a CD of old-time banjo music at 17). He was one of the most-liked kids in our school. He was just genuinely himself all the time, and people really respected it. You don't have to wear the latest thing or do what the popular people do to be liked. In fact, trying too hard is one of the most off-putting things I can think of.

Canadian
2009-05-27, 04:38 PM
Looking bored, confused, and out of your depth is not a good way to attract anyone.

And, he says that he doesn't know who he is. Just switching to pretending to be cool is not going to help with that at all. My advice stands. Investigate. Explore. Find out what YOU LIKE and go with it.

"To thine own self be true" is a pretty corny saying, but there is something to it. When you are confident and comfortable with who you are.

In fact, trying too hard is one of the most off-putting things I can think of.

Everyone looks confused and out of their depth if they try something new. There's a learning curve to every new activity. Besides you only look bored if you're a boring person.

If he does not know who he is he can't be true to himself. He does not know what to be true to so he might as well try new things.

If you're going to try something new you might as well go for it. I don't think it's possible to try too hard at new and exciting things. Putting in a lazy half assed effort is way more unattractive than trying too hard.

Ambition is attractive. Wanting to do well is attractive. Dabbling while full of fear of failure or the unknown is very unattractive.

DamnedIrishman
2009-05-27, 04:56 PM
He can tell you how to shave properly, run the ideal society and pontificate on the nature and basic morality, and now he's here to tell you how to get a life! That's right folks, that damnable irishman is here to spew more of his wild theories in the arrogant assumption that his opinion is worth sharing!


I'm cutting back on the time I spend on D&D, internet, and all that, and trying to build myself a real life, in the real world, with real people doing real things.


'Cutting back' is a good word there. Most things are fine in moderation and you should never feel embarrassed over things you like doing. If you like playing D&D, get a group together and play it. As long as it doesn't dominate your whole life it's fine. Furthermore, it can be a way to meet people if you don't always play with an identical group. Mix it up somewhat, eh?



-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.


Good places to start are classes (if you're a student of some kind) or work colleagues (if they're roughly similar to you in age). If you're unemployed, try finding bar work, or shop work in places targeted at your age group as you are more likely to have co-workers within a few years of your age.
Bars are a perfectly acceptable place to meet new people in the modern day, even if you don't drink. The presence of alcohol makes other people feel more relaxed and sociable, and you can capitalise on this even if you don't feel like joining. Take a friend or two with you to make you feel more comfortable and don't be afraid to approach people in a friendly way - if they don't want to talk with you then just apologise and go. If you get on well with a new person, get some form of contact detail (like a phone number) and make sure you say hello within a day or two, and if you get chatting and things go well ask if they'd like to go for a drink with you (after all, you already know they like bars). This works for looking for a girlfriend too.
If you feel a bit strange just sitting and talking, then go somewhere with bar games like pool or darts. Even if you're not very good, if gives you something to do.

I'd advise you went to a gym. They're not generally good places to meet people (although it does happen occasionally) but no matter what shape you're in physically, you'll feel better about yourself if you're working out. That makes you more confident, and confidence is key to meeting new people. Invite someone you know to go with you if you don't want to go alone, or if you want a good reason to regularly hang out with someone. People know exercise is good for them, so if you say "I'm going to join the gym, do you fancy coming with me?" then they'll often take you up on the offer even if they're not your best friend - and if you take an acquaintance with you then you might make a better friend out of it.

Don't be afraid of poaching other people's friends - they won't get annoyed by it as long as you don't forget about them. Ask your friends if they want to go out somewhere, and ask if they could invite some more people. If they're a good friend they'll understand your desire to meet more people, and they'll be happy to introduce you. Even if not, they're not going to mind going out with their own friends, and that gives you an opportunity to meet new people. And, as always, if you get on well with someone, get a contact detail and talk to them! I did this with one of my friends yesterday night, and met two new people. It works.

Hobby and sport clubs are obviously a good way to meet people who share your interests. If there is anything you've ever thought 'I wonder if that would be fun..." about, then give it a go. Even if you don't find a new hobby, you can meet some new people (remembering to stay in contact with them) and you can also use it as a way of getting to know someone better - by asking if they want to go with you.

Failing that, throw a party. Get all your friends to bring their friends, and network baby!



-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?


Tai Chi, Fencing, Capoeira (perhaps not, but it is fun), Ballroom & Latin Dancing (suprisingly fun), picking up an instrument...
Don't think too much in the way of 'clubs you can join'. Invite all your friends to play frisbee in the park one weekend a week and you have a new hobby and a chance to socialise - especially if you tell people to bring other people. One of my friends started his own film club because he loves movies and has a HUUUUUGE TV, and if an interesting film is on then we bring friends and lots of people get to socialise with each other.
Alternatively, get friends together and go to a club once a week - find out what's on near you and choose something you like. The thing about people is that they'll often give something a go they'd never try themselves if someone invites them. Plus, if you are the one always inviting people out, you'll get a reputation for being fun and sociable.



-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?


I wouldn't worry too much about this yet. Make some female friends and get them to help you.
I don't think you can tell if a girl is girlfriend material. If you like someone, ask them out and it either works or it doesn't. Just things happen naturally.

Finally, if you definitely like someone and you're not sure if they like you, ask them out anyway. Don't waste away hoping that they'll eventually come to you. One of the things I've noticed about girls is that sometimes they won't really consider you until you ask them out. If you don't ask them out, they might just not notice you. If you do, they'll generally think about you and you're far more likely to get a date.



-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

Groom yourself carefully. The better you feel about your appearance, the more confident you feel. That's always good.

Go to Flogging Molly and Gogol Bordello gigs, or music festivals. I've met some fascinating people at them.

Invite people to things yourself rather than waiting for others to invite you. Most people are averse to organising things, and thus if you wait around you can miss out on good stuff.

Spend lots of time with your friends.

CARPE DIEM.

EDIT: Oh, and one last piece of advice that I could've done thinking of yesterday - if an attractive girl comes up to you randomly in a club and starts dancing up close to you, do not go off to find out where your friends have got to before you remember to ask her name and get her number. You may never be able to find her again...

Canadian
2009-05-27, 05:02 PM
Damned Irishman gives good advice. Sounds like he actually cares about the guy getting more social! Kudos to you Irishman. Sounds like he could use a good wingman like you...

Actually a "wingman" or mentor who knows more about the art of being social would be a good thing to have. Ask some of the more popular guys you know to help you out a bit. Someone will be willing to help.

DamnedIrishman
2009-05-27, 05:05 PM
Damned Irishman gives good advice. Sounds like he actually cares about the guy getting more social! Kudos to you Irishman. Sounds like he could use a good wingman like you...


Huzzah, I get a metaphorical pat on the head!

It actually makes sitting down and typing those giant posts worthwhile, y'know.

:smallsmile:

Admiral Squish
2009-05-27, 06:07 PM
Ho-lee hell! I never expected this much help for my problems! I'm glad, though, it certainly does help.

Well, since a couple people are asking, I'm going to answer a couple questions. We'll start with more information about myself.

Let's see... I'm 20 years old, I'm currently residing on Great Lakes Naval Station, and I'm a Sailor in the US Navy. I didn't mention at first because it has a tendancy to scare off a few people, or at least make 'em nervous.

As for the drinking: it's both a legal thing in that I can get in deep trouble if I do, and a self-control thing. I know I don't have very good self-control, so I make sure to avoid things that I know I could have a lot of trouble resisting. Alcohol is famous for it's abilty to make people completely dependant on it and generally ruin lives, and I would prefer to take no part in it.

Generally speaking, I've only got free time to really go out and socialize on the weekends, which throws yet another challenge before me, but hopefully, this many minds can come together to come up with something.

The people I've talked to here reccomend that my first step should be finding some place like a club or bar that I can just go and sit in, generally get comfortable in social situations before I go out looking to talk. Does this sound like a good plan?

I already intend to start going to the gym with my friend foskey, who's shown interest in getting me into shape already. I'm also talking to other people who are good with people and tryong to get their takes on the situation. Hopefully, between you and them, we'll all be looking at a new me in a couple months!

The Rose Dragon
2009-05-27, 06:13 PM
Alcohol is famous for it's abilty to make people completely dependant on it and generally ruin lives, and I would prefer to take no part in it.

That's... not always correct.

I have the most easily addicted personality I know. I am addicted to Coke, internet, gaming and lots of other things.

When I say I will stop at three glasses while I'm drinking, I never drink the fourth.

So, there are things much more addictive than alcohol. They don't always taste as good (have you tried tasting the internet lately?).

Canadian
2009-05-27, 07:36 PM
Get your friend Foskey to take you out. Drink something. You don't have to get drunk. It's like if everyone got together to play soccer and you just sat on the bench the whole time. You have to participate a little.

When you're out with Foskey go someplace that's not too loud. At a loud club you can't talk to anyone. Even going to a busy park or mall can be good.

Take turns hitting on girls. Check each other's technique. Have fun an laugh. You'll both get shot down constantly but that's how you learn and gain confidence. Who knows some cute girl might say yes?

Admiral Squish
2009-05-28, 12:54 AM
I know it's not always that way, but I really don't want to risk it, honestly. Call it choice, call it cowardice, I'm just not going to touch the stuff. I know myself too well to believe I'll be able to handle the temptation.

Oh, and a question I hadn't adressed earlier: I'm not opposed to all sports. I do like some physical exertion, I just tend to think a lot of sports are completely pointless. Generally speaking, if it has 'ball' in the name, I probably won't like it. (Except dodgeball. That's fun.)

Canadian
2009-05-28, 08:34 AM
Forget the sports. Just go hit in girls and have fun. I'm not into sports either but without sports there would be no cheerleaders. Plus Jello wrestling qualifies as a sport! :smallsmile:

Krytha
2009-05-28, 09:23 AM
Dude, you're in the army. Don't they make you meet certain physical requirements? If you dont want SPORTS, you could always sign up for a rock climbing gym. It's good exercise, you'll be meeting people, there will be no need for alcohol, and the girls there will be fit. Instead of "Can I buy you a beer" you could say "Could I buy you a powerade or something?"

Egiam
2009-05-28, 02:08 PM
Fencing.

Good sport for a navy guy.

xPANCAKEx
2009-05-28, 11:46 PM
trust me - rock climbers like their booze and 'party cigarettes' as much as most groups, if not more

Sports may be "pointless" in that they don't advance humanity/civilisation in anyway, and most of the skills involved are not transferable... but they are fun and do create social interaction

loopy
2009-05-29, 01:25 AM
-Where are some places I can go to meet people? I don't drink or smoke so cross anything with those involved off the list.

Well, I never drink and smoke at clubs, just because everyone else does doesn't mean you have to. I just go to have a good time with my friends, not to hook up with girls.

-What sort of hobbies could be reccomended for a guy who doesn't like sports?

Ever considered learning to dance? I know it sounds a bit feminine, but its a great way to meet girls, and hiphop is pretty socially acceptable for guys.

-Girls: pretty much need to know everything here, I have ZERO experience. How does a date normally go? How do you tell if the girl is girlfriend material?

I can't really help you here, I just tend to end up with girls without actually... well, trying. That sounds really bad, as far as people now hating me, but it happens. I don't have conventional dates either.

-Any other advice I haven't though of to ask for yet that you'd think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated.

I'd suggest going to the gym, getting some new clothes, a new style and the feeling that you are actually taking control of your appearance really did me wonders. Try Well Cultured (http://www.wellcultured.com), a site that specialises in reforming geeks, haha.

Krytha
2009-05-29, 01:52 AM
trust me - rock climbers like their booze and 'party cigarettes' as much as most groups, if not more

Sports may be "pointless" in that they don't advance humanity/civilisation in anyway, and most of the skills involved are not transferable... but they are fun and do create social interaction

Yes, Im sure they smoke and drink while climbing. People smoke and drink everywhere. My point was that these things are not commonplace during the activity, and thus he would not feel pressured to partake as some have been suggesting for locales like bars and clubs.

THAC0
2009-05-29, 02:13 AM
Ho-lee hell! I never expected this much help for my problems! I'm glad, though, it certainly does help.

Well, since a couple people are asking, I'm going to answer a couple questions. We'll start with more information about myself.

Let's see... I'm 20 years old, I'm currently residing on Great Lakes Naval Station, and I'm a Sailor in the US Navy. I didn't mention at first because it has a tendancy to scare off a few people, or at least make 'em nervous.

Since you're underaged, definitely don't drink. Don't ever feel pressured into it either - but at the same time, if your opinions change when you're older, don't beat yourself up over it either.

Does your naval station have an MWR? I know the MWR here often sponsors trips, everything from hiking to rafting, and those are a great way to meet people. And then you meet people they know. And so on and so forth.