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Syka
2009-05-29, 09:01 PM
Well...After the confession thread, I saw way too many "what do I do in this situation" threads popping up, so here is one nice compendium. Come here to post questions about how to approach the opposite sex, the dread first date and, should you be in a relationship already and fairly certain they don't read Giant, a place to complain/seek advice about a current flame.

If you'd rather not make it public, I will compile a list in this thread of people who will accept PM's to give advice.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

Private Advice Givers:
Eh, I'm pretty sure any regular has an open PM box for you.


RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

Cheers,
Syka

Pyrian
2009-05-29, 09:35 PM
Heh, it might be time to consolidate that a bit, it seems a little dated in places. I don't even remember the confessional thread, for example. :smallcool:


Not necessarily, they may go on to live with a partner in a monogamous relationship but simply not get married. It's just much harder to know, since there aren't really any stats on such relationships.
If your first marriage fails, maybe the institution of marriage just doesn't matter so much any more...Good points, both of you. Those who live off the record are very frustrating to those of us who're trying to analyze it. :smallwink: I wonder what the census data can reveal about such cohabitation? Sadly, probably not much specific enough to be useful.

snoopy13a
2009-05-30, 10:31 AM
It took me way too long to figure out that 2 cubed is 8 :smalltongue:

As a new thread icebreaker, what are people's choices for a first date?

1) Traditional dinner and a movie
2) Just dinner or just movie
3) Or something different

Serpentine
2009-05-30, 10:35 AM
Good points, both of you. Those who live off the record are very frustrating to those of us who're trying to analyze it. :smallwink: I wonder what the census data can reveal about such cohabitation? Sadly, probably not much specific enough to be useful.In Australia, "de-facto" is a legal relationship status, and must be disclosed for welfare and taxation purposes.

snoopy13a
2009-05-30, 10:48 AM
In Australia, "de-facto" is a legal relationship status, and must be disclosed for welfare and taxation purposes.

How are they able to differentiate platonic roommates from cohabitating couples?

SilentNight
2009-05-30, 01:36 PM
It took me way too long to figure out that 2 cubed is 8 :smalltongue:

As a new thread icebreaker, what are people's choices for a first date?

1) Traditional dinner and a movie
2) Just dinner or just movie
3) Or something different

Dinner and a movie is nice but I'm a fan of bike ride and a cafe.

arguskos
2009-05-30, 01:43 PM
As a new thread icebreaker, what are people's choices for a first date?

1) Traditional dinner and a movie
2) Just dinner or just movie
3) Or something different
3). With my current SO, we went swimming at an all-night pool for 6 hours, talking about whatever came to mind. That's how we got to know each other. We did that two or three times, actually. :smallbiggrin:

xPANCAKEx
2009-05-30, 02:12 PM
It took me way too long to figure out that 2 cubed is 8 :smalltongue:

As a new thread icebreaker, what are people's choices for a first date?

1) Traditional dinner and a movie
2) Just dinner or just movie
3) Or something different

i usually go for a slightly modified #1 - go for tea/cake and then off somewhere cultural... somewhere you can TALK to your date

arguskos
2009-05-30, 02:22 PM
i usually go for a slightly modified #1 - go for tea/cake and then off somewhere cultural... somewhere you can TALK to your date
That's pretty good too. I like flower gardens in the spring, the pool in the summer, the woods in the fall, and a fireplace in the winter. :smallwink:

reorith
2009-05-30, 02:26 PM
It took me way too long to figure out that 2 cubed is 8 :smalltongue:

As a new thread icebreaker, what are people's choices for a first date?

1) Traditional dinner and a movie
2) Just dinner or just movie
3) Or something different

lunch and a museum > dinner and a movie

The Rose Dragon
2009-05-30, 02:30 PM
As a new thread icebreaker, what are people's choices for a first date?

1) Traditional dinner and a movie
2) Just dinner or just movie
3) Or something different

Something that can help you define basic tastes. DVD hunting, book searching, music foraging. It gives you a topic to talk about and work on if you want to talk about something else, as well as a method of learning what the other person likes and what he is like.

Castaras
2009-05-30, 02:44 PM
As a new thread icebreaker, what are people's choices for a first date?

1) Traditional dinner and a movie
2) Just dinner or just movie
3) Or something different

4) Dinner, then playing computer games

would be my ideal one. :smalltongue: Although, add on the end "+ cuddling" and then you get my perfect date no matter whether it's first, second, or two-hundred-and-thirty-sixth.

onasuma
2009-05-30, 02:58 PM
Ok, its been a while since Ive been here yet once again I return... This post is probably just going to result in me ranting, but whatever, I need a vent.

For a good few months Ive had a crush on a girl at my school. Pretty much the same affair as these things always seem to be. I like her too chicken to ask her out etc. etc. Over time Id been working up corage and such, planning to eventually ask her out before the school year ends.

Then girl number two comes along. Lovely person but taken at the time so I dont really think much of it other than to be friends. Then she had the audacity to become avaliable and becoming incredibly attractive.

As time keeps moving, I seem to be losing interesst in girl number one and getting more and more attracted to girl number two. My issue here is now that I believe number one knows I had a crush on her and might possibly feel mutually where as I have no clues on how number two feels and think (at least for a while...) is off limits from at least on my grounds of morality. Bleh, I hate situations like this.

Well, thats that off my chest. I love the internet. Its great for venting.

Pyrian
2009-05-30, 03:40 PM
Onasuma, one advantage to having crushes over having a real relationship is that you're perfectly free to have as many of them as you want. :smallbiggrin: Though, if you're unwilling for moral reasons to hit on girl #2 and you think girl #1 might like you back, you're probably best off giving girl #1 a real chance, and if that doesn't work maybe things will work out with someone else (maybe even girl #2) somewhere down the line.

Phaedra
2009-05-30, 04:03 PM
In Australia, "de-facto" is a legal relationship status, and must be disclosed for welfare and taxation purposes.

English law has a similar requirement for all relationships where the couple are "living as if husband and wife", which again must be disclosed for tax/benefits. I presume there's a record of the stats somewhere, I'll have a search. Might not be available for public viewing, possibly.


How are they able to differentiate platonic roommates from cohabitating couples?

I suspect generally they take people's word for it, but in the case of a dispute the courts have a non-exhaustive list of factors they can consider, inlcuding whether the couple have a sexual relationship.


As a new thread icebreaker, what are people's choices for a first date?

1) Traditional dinner and a movie
2) Just dinner or just movie
3) Or something different

I've never really been much of one for traditional dating, but anywhere you can talk to your date is good. I'm not so keen on movies for this reason - they're not really places you can chat. Like others have suggested, I'd go for a coffee and then somewhere cultural you can wander round casually. Art galleries are good. I spent an awful lot of time in art galleries at the beginning of my current relationship.

onasuma
2009-05-30, 04:13 PM
Onasuma, one advantage to having crushes over having a real relationship is that you're perfectly free to have as many of them as you want. :smallbiggrin: Though, if you're unwilling for moral reasons to hit on girl #2 and you think girl #1 might like you back, you're probably best off giving girl #1 a real chance, and if that doesn't work maybe things will work out with someone else (maybe even girl #2) somewhere down the line.

As much as Id like to enjoy several crushes at once, I dont think I could handle that. My issue is that as much as I think it would just be safer and all round more sensible to go after number one, I just cant seem to stay interessted in her.

xPANCAKEx
2009-05-30, 05:15 PM
onasuma

From what you've said i'd advise against persuing #1 for the time being as by your own admission you've lost interest - a relationship with her would be a logical, calculated excercise rather than a thing of passion at this stage - so until those 'fireworks' come back, steer clear. If she makes a move, theres nothing wrong with admitting you used to have those feelings but no longer do. Thats life - if she was interested then she should have made a move - strike while the iron is hot n all that jazz.

What you're saying seems to make no sense. You've so far not made any moves on #1, and #2 is now single (or so you've seemed to suggest). I have to ask though what is it that prevents you going after #2 on a moral level?

theres nothing wrong with liking more than one person at once - your feelings for each of them are completely seperate from each other

Allysian
2009-05-30, 06:14 PM
So a girl at my school asked me out a while ago (via im, yah.) and I didn't have a reason to say no, say I said yes. After two days i "broke up with her" cause I also had no reason to "stay with her". When I was still with her we were both at a school event that Everyone was at, and we were talking and stuff, and we got to talking about I girl I had "liked" for like, not long, and apparently, as soon as my then girlfriend told her class we were going out she told everyone that she still liked me.
I'm pretty sure she only said that to make drama, uhhhm, yeah. I'm pretty sure of that because i was Really mean to her for a period. Well, not Really mean, but, putting off mean.
My thinking was this, I liked her, she didn't like me, i'll be mean to her so I can push her farther away.....?
I dunno. I'm weird. I think I like her again, but I think she has a boyfriend, although everyone said she just wanted to make me jealous......what do I do? I'm no sure I want to ask her out, but, yeah?

xPANCAKEx
2009-05-30, 06:25 PM
Allysian

let me see if i've got this right

you liked girl A for a while
girl B asked you out - you said yes - it "lasted" all of 2 days
Girl A caught wind of this, declared she had feelings for you
Girl A apparently had a boyfriend for a while to try n make you jealous
You were mean to girl A for a while

you still like girl A, and you want to make a move?

i say go for it - you've got nothing stopping you (unless she still has said boyfriend)... also, learn NOW at an early age that the majority of women for the next decade will be inexplicably attracted the rudest/meanest guys going. Use this knowledge as you see fit (either abuse, or learn to avoid girls with said penchant)

Coidzor
2009-05-31, 03:01 AM
Flowers, I have been asked for advice on flowers.

There is something wrong with the universe, very deeply wrong and incredibly troubling that I have been asked for advice about flowers and giving them to a woman/girl/demihuman/venusian/venetian(?).

I'm hoping the scientists at the LHC haven't been mucking about with anything going too horribly wrong... <_< >_>

Actually, come to think of it, being asked for advice on what guys are like and what they like is probably equally disturbing. And more difficult to just pass the buck by asking one's parents what the hell outmoded social rules they used to have to follow that might make a useful reference.

But, um, yeah. How soon is it ok for flowers in a courtship? What sort of flowers does one give before something as sexual and passionate as red roses would be... appropriate to say the least.

Are red roses seen as symbols of sexual desire and passion or am I exaggerating my recollection of what they mean?

How much longer will I have to contend with the regret that I never asked my ex to marry me? Is this just a shortlived(I hope) phase of the grieving process of getting out of a relationship of 4 years or does it mean I'll have to do something in order to resolve my current emotional wreckage of a situation rather than let it fix itself with time?



Ed...If Monsieur Pancake's analysis of the situation is accurate, what stands in your way, Monsieur Allysian?

V: Hmm, so Frying-pan to the head therapy, you say? That might just work. Now, to get a frying pan and my head to attempt to occupy the same physical space...

averagejoe
2009-05-31, 03:43 AM
Damn. Damn damn damn damn damn.

You guys, I think I'm not okay. I thought I was okay. I mean, I was okay for a long time, but I'm definitely not okay.

I think I had just put it out of mind, but then something reminded me of her, and it all came flooding back, and now nearly everything reminds me of her. I should just move on.

I just can't stop thinking of her smile, how she used to look up and smile at me when I'd walk into the room. Back when I used to walk into rooms with her in them. I mean, being able to tell her one more time how great she is, and to see her smile like she did, it would be better than anything any other girl I know could do for me.

I mean, this is completely stupid. ****ing damn.


Flowers, I have been asked for advice on flowers.

There is something wrong with the universe, very deeply wrong and incredibly troubling that I have been asked for advice about flowers and giving them to a woman/girl/demihuman/venusian/venetian(?).

I'm hoping the scientists at the LHC haven't been mucking about with anything going too horribly wrong... <_< >_>

Actually, come to think of it, being asked for advice on what guys are like and what they like is probably equally disturbing. And more difficult to just pass the buck by asking one's parents what the hell outmoded social rules they used to have to follow that might make a useful reference.

But, um, yeah. How soon is it ok for flowers in a courtship? What sort of flowers does one give before something as sexual and passionate as red roses would be... appropriate to say the least.

Are red roses seen as symbols of sexual desire and passion or am I exaggerating my recollection of what they mean?

Flowers are flowers. No one really knows what they mean anymore; their aesthetic qualities are much more important. I'm pretty sure red roses aren't a sign of passion unless you leave a trail of petals from the front door to your bed. Or if you hold it between your teeth.

onasuma
2009-05-31, 04:11 AM
onasuma

From what you've said i'd advise against persuing #1 for the time being as by your own admission you've lost interest - a relationship with her would be a logical, calculated excercise rather than a thing of passion at this stage - so until those 'fireworks' come back, steer clear. If she makes a move, theres nothing wrong with admitting you used to have those feelings but no longer do. Thats life - if she was interested then she should have made a move - strike while the iron is hot n all that jazz.

What you're saying seems to make no sense. You've so far not made any moves on #1, and #2 is now single (or so you've seemed to suggest). I have to ask though what is it that prevents you going after #2 on a moral level?

theres nothing wrong with liking more than one person at once - your feelings for each of them are completely seperate from each other

Ill try to be clearer then. There was mild flirting between me and number 1 for quite a while, which I think might have been leading somewhere. Number 2 seems to be, at least at the moment, an emotional wreck, and if theres one thing I know its that trying anything at that time doesnt ever end well.

xPANCAKEx
2009-05-31, 07:57 AM
Ill try to be clearer then. There was mild flirting between me and number 1 for quite a while, which I think might have been leading somewhere. Number 2 seems to be, at least at the moment, an emotional wreck, and if theres one thing I know its that trying anything at that time doesnt ever end well.

mild flirting doesn't garentee a commitment to someone - until either she (or you) asks for a date, you're a completely free agent. So flirt with as many people as you like! Whoever invented the idea that "you flirt therefore you owe them a relationship" needs to be shot... Its a worryingly common belief

as for #2 - i can understand the hesitation there. While there is no moral risk (unless you mean you feel you'd be taking advantage of their lowered self esteem?), it does run the danger of being a rebound. Tread carefully, but by all means go for it. Its up to her to decide when shes ready for something new, not up to you to make that decision for her.

I would disagree on one point though - the "doesnt ever end well" part - its not that it never ends well, its just a strong likelihood. If you want to try for anything with her, just keep that in mind and take it REALLY slow and don't get too emotionally entangled just yet. It can be a difficult minefield of left over feelings, anger, upset and so on to navigate, but if you feel you're emotionally mature enough to carry it out and think you could have a positive relationship with her then why not give it a try :) life is short after all

onasuma
2009-05-31, 09:31 AM
mild flirting doesn't garentee a commitment to someone - until either she (or you) asks for a date, you're a completely free agent. So flirt with as many people as you like! Whoever invented the idea that "you flirt therefore you owe them a relationship" needs to be shot... Its a worryingly common belief

Im well aware it doesnt mean anything definate. If it did, there'd be alot more people owing my relationships at the moment.


as for #2 - i can understand the hesitation there. While there is no moral risk (unless you mean you feel you'd be taking advantage of their lowered self esteem?), it does run the danger of being a rebound. Tread carefully, but by all means go for it. Its up to her to decide when shes ready for something new, not up to you to make that decision for her.

Basically what you said in brackets.


I disagree on one point though - the "doesnt ever end well" part - its not that it never ends well, its just a strong likelihood. If you want to try for anything with her, just keep that in mind and take it REALLY slow and don't get too emotionally entangled just yet. It can be a difficult minefield of left over feelings, anger, upset and so on to navigate, but if you feel you're emotionally mature enough to carry it out and think you could have a positive relationship with her then why not give it a try :) life is short after all

Im not, so thats simple enough.

HPsauce
2009-05-31, 09:37 AM
It took me way too long to figure out that 2 cubed is 8 :smalltongue:

As a new thread icebreaker, what are people's choices for a first date?

1) Traditional dinner and a movie
2) Just dinner or just movie
3) Or something different

you mean like dancing and going on bike rides like i do with my boyfriend then or, do you mean going out to clubs and get drunk and then getting sent to jail for drink driving.

DamnedIrishman
2009-05-31, 09:45 AM
Flowers are flowers. No one really knows what they mean anymore; their aesthetic qualities are much more important. I'm pretty sure red roses aren't a sign of passion unless you leave a trail of petals from the front door to your bed. Or if you hold it between your teeth.

Floriography resources are available on the internet. If you think your objet d'amour would be interested in such things, then design a bouquet around a specific meaning and hint that the flowers symbolise what they mean to you.

If you are going to try this, tulips are good. Lilies are bad.

Hadrian_Emrys
2009-05-31, 10:05 AM
So a girl at my school asked me out a while ago (via im, yah.) and I didn't have a reason to say no, say I said yes. After two days i "broke up with her" cause I also had no reason to "stay with her". When I was still with her we were both at a school event that Everyone was at, and we were talking and stuff, and we got to talking about I girl I had "liked" for like, not long, and apparently, as soon as my then girlfriend told her class we were going out she told everyone that she still liked me.
I'm pretty sure she only said that to make drama, uhhhm, yeah. I'm pretty sure of that because i was Really mean to her for a period. Well, not Really mean, but, putting off mean.
My thinking was this, I liked her, she didn't like me, i'll be mean to her so I can push her farther away.....?
I dunno. I'm weird. I think I like her again, but I think she has a boyfriend, although everyone said she just wanted to make me jealous......what do I do? I'm no sure I want to ask her out, but, yeah?

I have no idea what's going on here. :smallconfused:

Allysian
2009-05-31, 10:27 AM
I have no idea what's going on here. :smallconfused:

Nothing really, I just wanted to say......something.
and i'm confused about a girl, which is what i thought this thread was about.....

snoopy13a
2009-05-31, 11:21 AM
But, um, yeah. How soon is it ok for flowers in a courtship? What sort of flowers does one give before something as sexual and passionate as red roses would be... appropriate to say the least.

Are red roses seen as symbols of sexual desire and passion or am I exaggerating my recollection of what they mean?



Yes, red roses are seen as symbols of sexual desire and passion.

You give red roses to your significant other/spouse
You give pink roses to the person you've just started dating or are going out with for the first time
You give yellow roses to a platonic friend

http://www.proflowers.com/flowerguide/rosemeanings

In other words, red roses = I love you, pink roses = I like you and yellow roses = I love you as a friend.

Serpentine
2009-05-31, 11:29 AM
How are they able to differentiate platonic roommates from cohabitating couples?It depends on whether you want to be considered de-facto or not :smallsigh:
Take a recent situation I was in: I wanted to prove that I had been in a "marriage-like relationship" for more than a year and that it was over now, and also that I was not in such a relationship with my current male housemates. For the former, I needed a letter from our real estate (which I got) written testimonials from non-friend or family sources for the whole year (which I couldn't get), or something we had in both our names -bills, bank accounts, etc (which we never had). At first they rejected my claim, but they finally looked at his account, which supported it.
For the latter, I had to fill in a questionaire. They can't just say "do you sleep in the same bed and have sex on a regular basis?", so some of the questions were really weird: "Do you and your housemate share household duties?" I would be freaking pissed if we weren't! :smallconfused:
Fun fact: two men or two women living together can't do the first and never have to do the latter, even if they are in a marriage-like relationship with fund-sharing and all :smallsigh:

Coidzor
2009-05-31, 04:54 PM
Nothing really, I just wanted to say......something.
and i'm confused about a girl, which is what i thought this thread was about.....

Well, what's confusing you? Get that in front of you first, establish the parameters of what you want to figure out, gather your various sources and get 'em out of your head and in front of your eyes... or just passing back into your head through your ears can help.

Does talking through while thinking about something generally help you?

Hmm, in the future, try not to purposefully alienate people without a bit of a better reason, since... emotions being what they are, it's very easy to regret giving someone the raw treatment when perhaps it was better just to get a little bit of distance for comfort and mutual survivability.

Syka
2009-05-31, 06:14 PM
I like the advice Zeb or another Advicer gave a few incarnations ago about flowers- don't go for their favorite flower or the 'popular' choice. Go for one that reminds you of them and tell them WHY it reminds you of them. Look up flower meanings and take in to account the actual look of the flower. That sort of thing.

On dates: for first dates something unique. My favorite first date was to a bookstore. One of my favorite dates was to a museum. For random dates, anything goes. Mine and Oz's date nights now almost always include movies in some form (theater or rented) and occasionally dinner somewhere decently nice. They are known quantities, the movies always change but the place we go is known, and movies are actually a really big part of our relationship. Some of our best discussions have been over movies (like the one about Watchmen's soundtrack).

All is good in Syka and Oz land, no news is good news, right? :)

Zeb The Troll
2009-06-01, 12:53 AM
lunch and a museum > dinner and a movieEspecially if you live in or near a historically rich locale. Living near Washington, DC, there are tons of things we can do that cater to either of our likes. And feel free to substitute "museum" with any other place that specifically suits your or her hobbies or interests, like a flower garden or a climbing wall.


I like the advice Zeb or another Advicer gave a few incarnations ago about flowers- don't go for their favorite flower or the 'popular' choice. Go for one that reminds you of them and tell them WHY it reminds you of them. Look up flower meanings and take in to account the actual look of the flower. That sort of thing.That was me and I can attest that, unless your date is opposed to flowers (many are these days because they feel that they represent transience instead of permanence), this goes over well. It shows that you put some thought into what it is that you like or appreciate about your date above and beyond the conventional meanings of the flowers (which, like averagejoe said, very few people even know beyond the fact that red roses are good for Valentine's Day).

Moonshadow
2009-06-01, 06:45 AM
Ok, when one's last 4 relationships/attempts at relationships have all been with crazy, mentally unstable women who have treated one like ****, how does one go about changing the type of person they are unconciously attracted to from "Mentally unstable bitch" to "not-mentally unstable bitch?"


And Yes, I do realise that this is in part my fault, what with my nature and all, but I can't take the blame for everything, no matter what all the women say =/

Coidzor
2009-06-01, 06:50 AM
When do you first catch wind of their insanity? Is it before or after you sleep with them and find out the sheer volume of pills they have to take in their bathroom? Perhaps a change of venue of where you hunt for potential mates might be in order if certain areas just aren't as fertile as you'd hoped.

Moonshadow
2009-06-01, 06:55 AM
Well, usually I catch wind of their insanity when they start abusing me.

Hell, the last one called me a creepy stalker because I gave her space after she got uncomfortable when I asked her to a movie.

And as for sleeping with them, I don't even get that far.


Its always the ones who act all nice and understanding to start with, and then they end up turning into psychopaths =/ I mean jeez, I'm a little clingy sometimes, but that hardly means I'm some whacked up stalker guy.

Coidzor
2009-06-01, 07:11 AM
Well, if a girl gets uncomfortable to the point of something becoming an issue because you asked her out, she wasn't your friend to begin with, and certainly isn't relationship material. It's at that point that you write them off as a person and basically ignore them as much as is possible given varying circumstances.

What's this about abuse now?

Moonshadow
2009-06-01, 07:37 AM
Jeebus, where do I start? My first real job, I got physically and verbally abused for a year by a female boss, until I got angry and walked out, thats left me with an irrational fear of asians... my first girlfriend was bi polar and ended up leaving me for a guy we both hated out of spite for me, my next relationship, and the longest one, I was constantly emotionally blackmailed and eventually when SHE left ME (but decided she still wanted everything the relationship had without being bf/gf), she decided to use the whole "I
m pregnant and you're the father and if you don't take responsibility, I'll call your parents and ruin your life", except that turned out to be a total, utter load of bullcrap.

Then we have the 3rd girl I've ever dated, she decided I was her dream guy, then we met up for a date and she gave me the cold shoulder without giving me an explanation after that, and then finally, the last crazy bitch, well, I asked her to a movie some time, she called me creepy and pushy, then she called me a stalker, and then she said she found my address and threatened to come beat the crap out of me. This was after she abused me over the phone, though.



I'm honestly wondering why I haven't just given up and turned gay, or something >_>;

DamnedIrishman
2009-06-01, 07:41 AM
I'm honestly wondering why I haven't just given up and turned gay, or something >_>;

How do you meet people? There may lie the problem.

Moonshadow
2009-06-01, 08:12 AM
Well... I don't anymore. I work too much to go out anywhere, and I don't like going to clubs or bars or anything like that anyways, so I really don't get out much anymore.

That being said, I was never really good at meeting or talking to people in the first place =/

As for all these previous women.... well, I met them on the internet, on various sites related to things I like.

Yes, you may proceed to laugh at me now if you want, but people are very judgemental about image and all that these days, and its hard for someone like me to meet someone who is at least willing to talk to you because of your personality, instead of ignoring you because you're not Edward Cullen, or some crap like that.

Phaedra
2009-06-01, 08:29 AM
There'll be no judging here, I know people (well, ok, one person) who've met through the internet and it's worked well. That said, I think meeting people in person will probably help you get a clearer idea of their personality before you start dating them - people are often very different online and IRL.

You say you don't go out much, at least to clubs and bars. What kind of hobbies do you have - are there any groups you could go to to meet like-minded people?

DamnedIrishman
2009-06-01, 08:36 AM
Yes, you may proceed to laugh at me now if you want, but people are very judgemental about image and all that these days, and its hard for someone like me to meet someone who is at least willing to talk to you because of your personality, instead of ignoring you because you're not Edward Cullen, or some crap like that.

The internet can be a perfectly good place to meet people. However, in your case, it is apparently not. I would advise that you spend more time with the people you know IRL and see if you meet any people through them. It's my preferred strategy.

Moonshadow
2009-06-01, 09:05 AM
I only have about... 6 friends IRL. And I don't really have any hobbies per se, because I work 6 days a week, 13 hours on a Saturday most Saturdays, so by the time sunday comes around, I just want to sleep =/

DamnedIrishman
2009-06-01, 09:15 AM
I only have about... 6 friends IRL. And I don't really have any hobbies per se, because I work 6 days a week, 13 hours on a Saturday most Saturdays, so by the time sunday comes around, I just want to sleep =/

Six friends IRL is a perfectly comfortable amount of friends. I spend at least 50% of the time I spend with friends with one guy because we get on so well. I meet people through him, he meets people through me. It's a good system and it works.

To be honest, I know lots of people but I only count four as good friends, and I spend most of my social time with them.

Moonshadow
2009-06-01, 09:37 AM
Yeah.... most of my friends don't really get out much themselves, to be honest =/ So I'm not really likely to meet people through them either.


I mean, I really only tend to keep in touch with them nowadays via IM or SMS... I have no time or energy for anything but work these days, it seems.

Stuck in a bit of a depressed rut, I guess.

DamnedIrishman
2009-06-01, 09:40 AM
Yeah.... most of my friends don't really get out much themselves, to be honest =/ So I'm not really likely to meet people through them either.


I mean, I really only tend to keep in touch with them nowadays via IM or SMS... I have no time or energy for anything but work these days, it seems.

Stuck in a bit of a depressed rut, I guess.

Carpe diem, my friend, carpe diem.

You need to find a way to cut back on working if it's dominating your life that much. Second, take your friends out - if they don't get out much themselves they'll be glad of it, and you never know where anything might lead. Third, people are generally happy to try things but nervous about organising them. If you can muster the courage to take your friends out, they'll probably come with you.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-01, 10:01 AM
Yuuki_Jaggar

so why do you stick things out with all these horrible people anyway?

i'd also advice a chance of forum for meeting women. The internet does not seem to be serveing you well as a dating medium- and although in some cases it can be great, it can lead to some people (unfortunately some you seem to be meeting) to build up a false mental picture of what the other person is like

a few things you may want to consider:

first things first - examine your self image. It sounds like you really need to get a handle on and re-affirm why you deserve better. Knowing within yourself that you don't diserve to be treated like crap (and sometimes after a lot of abuse you DO need to remind yourself - no really) will keep things fresh in your mind and give you the ability to say "no thanks" when the time comes. You ALWAYS have the option to walk away from abuse, and i think its about time you learnt to do it.
try backing off dating for a while. With your heavy work load (what do you do anyway? seems like a lot of hours), any free time you get to spend nuturing a relationship will feel presurised. Sometimes this can lead you to come across as either needy/desperate - neither of which are healthy - and both of which are the type of behavior abussive other-halfs feed off.
leading on from this - as you have limited free time - don't treat dating as your priority. Making your every free moment available to a new other-half can come across as "too available" - which falls towards needy, desperate, clingy again - something you wisely seem keen to avoid.
when the abusive behavior starts, why are you leeting them get away with it? at the first sign of abuse, back the hell off. If they appologise (as a reasonable adult is capable of doing), then continue cautiously. But don't sit there and take it hoping 'it was only a one off' or 'they just had a bad day' - even if it is either of those things they still need to be held accountable for it or you'll lose respect for yourself. Also - if they start abusing you over the phone, stop engaging with them. You are not there to be their emotional punch bag
Get out and try new things. The problem with being stuck in a rut is that you'll just run in the same social circles over and over, and yours seems to be populated with the outpatients from the local psychiatric unit. Try going to a few bars or clubs. You may not enjoy it, but its worth a try if the current situation isn't that great to begin with.

loopy
2009-06-01, 10:40 AM
Just came from reading the Twilight thread. Figured out what is was about the books that repelled me so.

Basically, when a girl mentions that I remind them of Edward, or how much they like the Twilight series, they are saying to me "Look, here are a set of tools that you can use to manipulate me however you want*."

Now, I am a manipulative bastard, but still trying to be a 'good' guy at heart (albeit mainly for reasons of public image). I know many people who aren't as nice as me, who are gaining the exact same tools.

This is disturbing. Also, yes, I am a despicable human being. The most disturbing thing is that girls still keep falling for it.

* What a guy hears will also have something further attached: "...but be prepared to use and discard me because you will never match my idealised version unless you are willing to put the effort into changing my romantic perceptions or constantly lie through your teeth."

Thanatos 51-50
2009-06-01, 10:56 AM
Just came from reading the Twilight thread. Figured out what is was about the books that repelled me so.

Basically, when a girl mentions that I remind them of Edward, or how much they like the Twilight series, they are saying to me "Look, here are a set of tools that you can use to manipulate me however you want*."

Now, I am a manipulative bastard, but still trying to be a 'good' guy at heart (albeit mainly for reasons of public image). I know many people who aren't as nice as me, who are gaining the exact same tools.

This is disturbing. Also, yes, I am a despicable human being. The most disturbing thing is that girls still keep falling for it.

* What a guy hears will also have something further attached: "...but be prepared to use and discard me because you will never match my idealised version unless you are willing to put the effort into changing my romantic perceptions or constantly lie through your teeth."

Firstly:
Whoa, Loopy, posting in the RW&A thread, followed immediatly by me. This is amusing.

Nowly:
I've never read Twilight, but from the things I've heard about it, I probably don't want to, either. The movie was bad enough.

Thirdmost:
I don't exactly get what you're asking for here. Are you asking for a 'what to do' here? In that case, you provided me with the answer I have from you.
Work to try and change her romantic perceptions. Maybe to a healthy one. Or one that includes you as the ideal. Both qualify.

loopy
2009-06-01, 12:24 PM
Unfortunately my ramblings in this thread never really have much of a point to them. I can't seem to make them either woeful or subject to advice, which is a shame.

Katrascythe
2009-06-01, 12:30 PM
Unfortunately my ramblings in this thread never really have much of a point to them. I can't seem to make them either woeful or subject to advice, which is a shame.

Eh, not a big deal. Although the situation really is interesting. It's kind of bothersome, actually, although not the strangest thing I've seen. Read: The girl in Canada who wanted her BF to put her on a leash and parade her around. At least with this girl it can be a bit more private. How so, though, do you remind her of Edward? Because that's a bit sad that you're seen as nothing more than a manipulative sex symbol *shudders*

/Have never read the books
//NEVER wants to

loopy
2009-06-01, 12:40 PM
Eh, not a big deal. Although the situation really is interesting. It's kind of bothersome, actually, although not the strangest thing I've seen. Read: The girl in Canada who wanted her BF to put her on a leash and parade her around. At least with this girl it can be a bit more private. How so, though, do you remind her of Edward? Because that's a bit sad that you're seen as nothing more than a manipulative sex symbol *shudders*

/Have never read the books
//NEVER wants to

Let me count the ways I have been compared to Edward. Not just by one girl. Sigh.

-The way I speak. Having asked for elaboration, I was told it was partially the extensive vocabulary I use, and the slightly unusual way I phrase my sentences. Basically I'm very good at turning flowery speech into someting with... intimate undertones.
-Gentlemanly conduct and chivalry. This I use whenever I can be bothered (as in, whenever there is an attractive girl around).
-My sense of humor (to this I am wondering when the hell in the books or movies did Edward ever show much of a sense of humor).
-The physical similarity. Basically I am fair-skinned. Eh, not much I can say to this. Depending on how far-gone the girl is I may get some references to being lost in my eyes.
-The fact that I am a night owl by preference, and due to my random sleeping schedule I never seem to sleep.
-I'm very good at quoting appropriate portions of the book or movie to make a girl melt, if necessary.
-Making girls feel safe and secure in my presence. I pretty much have to be.
-And "...there's just something about you that makes me want to be with you." That'd be my constant meddling with your emotional state, my love. :smallwink:
-Et cetera, ad nauseum.

But then, Twilight fanatics are a small subset of the girls I attract. Variety is fun. :smallsmile:

averagejoe
2009-06-01, 01:36 PM
Well... I don't anymore. I work too much to go out anywhere, and I don't like going to clubs or bars or anything like that anyways, so I really don't get out much anymore.

That being said, I was never really good at meeting or talking to people in the first place =/

As for all these previous women.... well, I met them on the internet, on various sites related to things I like.

Yes, you may proceed to laugh at me now if you want, but people are very judgemental about image and all that these days, and its hard for someone like me to meet someone who is at least willing to talk to you because of your personality, instead of ignoring you because you're not Edward Cullen, or some crap like that.

Heck, my dad met his current girlfriend on the internet. They looked so guilty when they were telling me about it.

I would second all of Pancake's suggestions. Backing off dating for awhile specifically was one I had thought of before I read his bit. Dating isn't as necessary as people think it is, and it's often good to get some perspective on things.

Moonshadow
2009-06-01, 03:25 PM
Yuuki_Jaggar

so why do you stick things out with all these horrible people anyway?

i'd also advice a chance of forum for meeting women. The internet does not seem to be serveing you well as a dating medium- and although in some cases it can be great, it can lead to some people (unfortunately some you seem to be meeting) to build up a false mental picture of what the other person is like

a few things you may want to consider:

first things first - examine your self image. It sounds like you really need to get a handle on and re-affirm why you deserve better. Knowing within yourself that you don't diserve to be treated like crap (and sometimes after a lot of abuse you DO need to remind yourself - no really) will keep things fresh in your mind and give you the ability to say "no thanks" when the time comes. You ALWAYS have the option to walk away from abuse, and i think its about time you learnt to do it.
try backing off dating for a while. With your heavy work load (what do you do anyway? seems like a lot of hours), any free time you get to spend nuturing a relationship will feel presurised. Sometimes this can lead you to come across as either needy/desperate - neither of which are healthy - and both of which are the type of behavior abussive other-halfs feed off.
leading on from this - as you have limited free time - don't treat dating as your priority. Making your every free moment available to a new other-half can come across as "too available" - which falls towards needy, desperate, clingy again - something you wisely seem keen to avoid.
when the abusive behavior starts, why are you leeting them get away with it? at the first sign of abuse, back the hell off. If they appologise (as a reasonable adult is capable of doing), then continue cautiously. But don't sit there and take it hoping 'it was only a one off' or 'they just had a bad day' - even if it is either of those things they still need to be held accountable for it or you'll lose respect for yourself. Also - if they start abusing you over the phone, stop engaging with them. You are not there to be their emotional punch bag
Get out and try new things. The problem with being stuck in a rut is that you'll just run in the same social circles over and over, and yours seems to be populated with the outpatients from the local psychiatric unit. Try going to a few bars or clubs. You may not enjoy it, but its worth a try if the current situation isn't that great to begin with.


I'm not even sure if I can give you a suitable answer for this myself, because I don't even know why I do it. Suffice to say, I am by nature a pretty self sacrificing, responsible kind of guy. I was brought up by my parents to be the responsible child, and they always told me that if I really wanted something, I should stick it out, even if its bad.

Personally, I hate the abuse, but at the same time, its like there is something wrong with me, because no matter what I do, I can't seem to logic myself into thinking I deserve better. Sure, I can pretend that I do for other people's sake, but I'm always deluding myself. I can't even justify WHY I don't deserve to be treated like that. I've always sorta unconsiously thought "Well, maybe if I try to make them happy, I'll have the chance to be a little happy too." Self esteem issues galore, I'm feel like i'm the kind of guy psychologists see and their eyes turn into cash symbols

As for working, I do warehouse stuff with my dad, waitering, and I help run a kiosk most saturdays for the local sporting club. I tend to be awake at 5:45 or so each day, and I don't get home till 6 - 6:30, and by then I'm pretty tired. Waitering is whenever I can get the shifts, but thats normally pretty late night finishes, in the range of about 10:00 onwards or so. I try not to take the shift if I've been at the warehouse though.

Hadrian_Emrys
2009-06-01, 03:30 PM
loopy: I'd suggest getting your hands on a book called The Gods in Every Man and read up in the Dionysus (sp) personality archtype.

averagejoe
2009-06-01, 03:34 PM
Personally, I hate the abuse, but at the same time, its like there is something wrong with me, because no matter what I do, I can't seem to logic myself into thinking I deserve better.

Then I would even more strongly recommend that you swear off relationships for awhile.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-01, 03:45 PM
Then I would even more strongly recommend that you swear off relationships for awhile.

FULLY BACKED

Moonshadow
2009-06-01, 04:40 PM
Yeah... don't worry, I already have. I'm not sure if I could handle one in my current mental state anyways.... no need to add yet more abuse on top of depression, and the want to drink myself into insensibility. Thankfully, this hasn't happened yet, but I'd rather not be tempted by going to bars -sigh-

Starshade
2009-06-01, 05:40 PM
Eh, not a big deal. Although the situation really is interesting. It's kind of bothersome, actually, although not the strangest thing I've seen. Read: The girl in Canada who wanted her BF to put her on a leash and parade her around. At least with this girl it can be a bit more private. How so, though, do you remind her of Edward? Because that's a bit sad that you're seen as nothing more than a manipulative sex symbol *shudders*

/Have never read the books
//NEVER wants to

SM within a relationship?

In theory, its nothing wrong with it, but only ok for mature, cosentual adults.
Problem is, the pair needs to work as a couple, and would need a healthy relationship.
As example: Id in theory have nothing against phyiscally putting a collar and leash on a girl, since id not abuse it.
Id also insist on not making us look as wackos by going to public places, tops to whatever places one go dressed up as slave/master.
Id also insist on returning the favour. If id not trust her to put a leash on me, id not want to leash her. :smallamused:

Loopy: I cannot judge what you tell about without knowing you in real life, but people who abuse manipulation isnt always conscious what they do, that they hurt people. What i realized is, since ive known relatives with that trait and faced several horrible women trough my childhood, unless i find someone i find who is absolutely amazing, i just want to be free.
Vampire fiction i like though. Since its just fantasy. As D&D. :smallamused:

alchemyprime
2009-06-01, 06:28 PM
So for the past couple of weeks, me and my GF (who I will call MJ) have been on rough roads. Our friends saw it first. They urged me to take a break before it got bad.

Then it got bad.

She texted me she was sending me a surprise on Memorial Day on the day before (Memorial Day is an American bank holiday that takes place on a Monday). I told her okay then made plans to be at my buddies house that night so I told Michelle to accept the package for me.

Then she told me she was the package, and in an attempt to not piss her off, I had my buddy drive me home at 1am. He was okay with it, but he shook his head.

So then next day we had a fun day. My dad later took us to Best Buy to buy a new TV for my room. While there, she got angry at me. She was complaining that no companies had called her back about a job. I said that maybe she was not qualified for any positions they were currently hiring for.

Later, when I asked for some help lifting the TV into the car, she asked "Are you sure I'm QUALIFIED?"

Then, as I was installing the TV, her mom called and asked if we wanted to go to Stateline (a nearby resort town) for the night. She was excited, but I had work early that morning. I appologized, then she yelled at me for wanting to go to work instead of going with her.

I had already talked to my boss about getting the Tuesday off because there was no truck to unload. He couldn't move me around at all.

She ran out of the house. I didn't run after her because I knew I did nothing wrong and I had chased after her the last four times she ran off like that.

I snapped is what I did...

Then when she came back she swore me out and I told her we needed a break.

Total radio silence until yesterday.

Then, we start talking again and I tell her we need to just be friends. And we go over it a bit and we agree.

Then today she realized this meant we're broken up. That we will be seeing other people. And she begged for me back. And I had to tell her no.

Its hard for me to do anything that hurts her. To see her hurt and crying. To know that's even happening. But really? She has problems that need to be fixed. We started going out right after she was in a car accident and I had been crushed. She became dependant and I became an enabler that let her get away with it.

So I'm just generally depressed. Just needed to vent. If you have an opinion... I'll read it but I may not take it. :smallfrown:

Coidzor
2009-06-01, 09:07 PM
Hmm, beef up your moral fortitude save?

...Well this post wasn't timed very well.

TheBST
2009-06-01, 09:31 PM
Don't blame yourself. The woman had a bad day and threw a tantrum- the honus was one her to make amends. If it was a habitual thing, and you'd had enough, then good for you, you're defining your own standards and you've got more self-respect than a lot of people who put up with partners like that out of cowardice or fear of being alone.

Good luck with handling your blues.

Erts
2009-06-01, 09:39 PM
Just came from reading the Twilight thread. Figured out what is was about the books that repelled me so.

Basically, when a girl mentions that I remind them of Edward, or how much they like the Twilight series, they are saying to me "Look, here are a set of tools that you can use to manipulate me however you want*."

Now, I am a manipulative bastard, but still trying to be a 'good' guy at heart (albeit mainly for reasons of public image). I know many people who aren't as nice as me, who are gaining the exact same tools.

This is disturbing. Also, yes, I am a despicable human being. The most disturbing thing is that girls still keep falling for it.

* What a guy hears will also have something further attached: "...but be prepared to use and discard me because you will never match my idealised version unless you are willing to put the effort into changing my romantic perceptions or constantly lie through your teeth."

I know exactly how you feel.

Edward doesn't deserve the rank of manipulative bastard. He's just a moron who does it without realizing.
The feminist movement died in the next generation the day those books came out.

alchemyprime
2009-06-01, 09:40 PM
Don't blame yourself. The woman had a bad day and threw a tantrum- the honus was one her to make amends. If it was a habitual thing, and you'd had enough, then good for you, you're defining your own standards and you've got more self-respect than a lot of people who put up with partners like that out of cowardice or fear of being alone.

Good luck with handling your blues.

It was habitual but progressively getting worse. Thanks. I love her, but I know I don't need her in that capacity. Hopefully she'll get along fine without me too.

Hadrian_Emrys
2009-06-01, 10:13 PM
alchemyprime: You did the right thing, regardless of how much it sucks.

Stadge
2009-06-02, 06:23 AM
I'm guessing that this is going to be more of a ramble than a request for advice, but any that is given will be most welcome.

I have been dating my girlfriend, B, for 11 months, but for the past 4-5 months I've not really known where I stand. To get the full pucture you should know that before she started dating me, B had been in an online-long-distance-not-quite a relationship for some months, with a lad, J. Now at the time I kinda knew that they had something (they hadn't met and that remains the case), but due to the fact that she did seem to like me, coupled with our mutual friend's pushing, I asked B out, and well it's been great.

Then in December, I lost my father, and well it brought us both down massively from the high we'd been on before this. B never got to meet my dad, so i guess in a way this made things more awkward.

Anyway, following this, B started to make an effort to talk to J a bit more, knowing that she'd kinda half ignored him in the previous months. Mid February arrives, and after a few poems she had put on dA, it became aparant to both of us that she had feelings for J again. I wasn't too concerned, because she also felt for me, and said that she'd try and sort things out. But from then B becam kinda, distnt, is probably the best word.

It's now June and not much has changed, we seem to have some times of closeness and then it's back to distance. Over the past month, pretty much anything I've tried to organise for me and B to do has been agreed with, and then cancelled at the last minute. I really want to bring the subject of the situation between me, her and J up again (the last time i tried was a couple of months ao, to no real info) but know that I'll probably ahve to wait a few weeks. This is because we currently have exams and I don't wnat to put any additional bother on her.

So yeah, I'm a bit stuck, and I feel like the villain of the piece because I came between her and J, even though she has said that at the time they'd cooled a bit. I love her completely but at the moment I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

We're going to a convention this weekend, so I'm hoping that a weekend in each others company without friends and family around (it's been a while since that happened) may be a step towards fixing things. If not, it may bring a discussion of our problem out naturally, which, whilst I'd prefer the other option, seems to be more favourable than the way things are now. That's another reason why i've not mentioned teh situation with her recently, cos it could potentially make the weekend highly uncomfortable for both of us.

Anyway, that's my ramble. Sorry about all that.

Hadrian_Emrys
2009-06-02, 09:08 AM
Stadge: First of all, I feel for your loss.

As for this gal... it sounds to me like you've been reduced to "fallback boy" to this J guy. If this is true, the best case scenario will go down roughly as follows: At best, your time together at the convention will be 'okay' and the resulting dialogue will be just enough to keep you holding on (but not enough to make you feel like things are fixed) while she continues to chase after J. I could be way off course here (it's been known to happen from time to time), but I doubt it. Best of luck this weekend.

Katrascythe
2009-06-02, 10:08 AM
@Stadge - I'm really sad to hear about what happened. Being the fallout guy really is the worst position I can imagine being in. If it were me I wouldn't stay in that position. I'd probably try to enjoy anything that's already been arranged and then try to get out of the relationship. I wouldn't wanna see you get cast away as the girl tries to decide what she actually wants.

loopy
2009-06-02, 10:15 AM
I know exactly how you feel.

Edward doesn't deserve the rank of manipulative bastard. He's just a moron who does it without realizing.
The feminist movement died in the next generation the day those books came out.

And I had a brand new set of ways to mess with people. The twilight books aren't good news for anyone.

Katrascythe
2009-06-02, 10:30 AM
And I had a brand new set of ways to mess with people. The twilight books aren't good news for anyone.

They tend to make me believe in mild book burning. Those things are blights on the face of humanity.

Coidzor
2009-06-02, 10:33 AM
Just remember how annoying your life can become if you start to have everyone yammer on and on about spiderman though.

V:Actually I meant the whole great power = great responsibility shtick.

Katrascythe
2009-06-02, 10:39 AM
Just remember how annoying your life can become if you start to have everyone yammer on and on about spiderman though.

Yeah, I wouldn't pick spiderman. Although there's a large group of people here who most people would consider extremely annoying because we yammer on and on about D&D.

DamnedIrishman
2009-06-02, 10:42 AM
Yeah, I wouldn't pick spiderman. Although there's a large group of people here who most people would consider extremely annoying because we yammer on and on about D&D.

Yes, but not in general conversation.

Most of us, anyway.

loopy
2009-06-02, 11:00 AM
Yes, but not in general conversation.

Most of us, anyway.

Anything, ANYTHING, is annoying if you talk about it enough. There was a neckbeard in my college class who had two topics of conversation. World of Warcraft and Anime. If told to stop talking about one, he switched to another.

I hear he is still doing it. *shudder*

Katrascythe
2009-06-02, 11:03 AM
Yes, but not in general conversation.

Most of us, anyway.

Well that's just you ;) I will talk about D&D around basically anybody. It's easier now that WoW is everywhere. I don't like WoW at all but I don't really get funny looks anymore because everyone is talking about all kinds of fantasy things.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-02, 11:06 AM
alchemyprime -

To be frank, from what we previously discussed via PM and now this, she has been treating you like cr*p. you're doing the right thing. You can't let yourself be treated like that any more and sounds like she has some serious growing up to do. This will give you the space you both need.

IF you ever consider getting back together it should only be on the proviso that this sort of behavior never happens again. Its not good her just wanting you back. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself, even if it hurts her, and she has to take account for her own feelings and not lash out at you all the time.


Stadge

If her feelings for J bother you, then you should be able to discuss them with her. Its right that you shouldn't have to play back up (or be made to feel like back up) to her feelings for J.

a few questions/points for you to consider:
1) are you comfortable with her feelings for J?
2) even if it adds bother to her life, you should prioritise your own emotional wellbeing. Selfish maybe, but needs to be done.
3) If the weekend at the convention doesn't improve things - what will you do then?

Moonshadow
2009-06-03, 05:21 PM
Ok... I has a dilemma.

What do you do, when you are out one day shopping, and you happen to catch sight of someone who used to mean a lot to you, and they seem really happy and everything. Said person used to do bad things to you, and you eventually told them to leave you alone forever, even though you still loved them for some reason. You couldn't forgive them for what they'd done to you, but you couldn't find the heart to hate them either.


Yet, you see them, and they look so happy, and all the feelings of bitterness, anger and frustration come welling up inside you. You wonder why they hould deserve to be happy, after everything they did to you. You want to know how they can move on so quickly, like it all meant nothing.

In short, I am confused, because I don't hate them, can't forgive them, but now I have the strong taste of bitterness mixed in as well.


How do you get over things like this?

Pyrian
2009-06-03, 05:23 PM
How do you get over things like this?Think about something else. Repeat as necessary. No matter how often.

SilentNight
2009-06-03, 07:39 PM
Yuuki: Sadly, there's really not much you can do. They say time heals all wounds but sometimes it can take longer than expected. I'm going to echo Pyrian in addition to perscribing you a healthy dose of reggae. Lots of reggae.

evil-frosty
2009-06-03, 07:53 PM
Yuuki- Its hard as hell, i am going thru the samething. My friends have told me that Pyrians advice works but its hard not to think about it. Time is suppose to heal everything (i am starting to believe thats a bunch of bullcrap but maybe it isnt), try to follow Pyrians advice as best you can.

Now i dont really see how thats advice but anyways i was going to post to pretty much ask for the samething Yuuki was but i guess i will just wait and listen to see if more people offer advice. If it makes any difference its been 6 months and change since this girl broke up with me. God i miss her, i feel like i am never going to be truly happy again (this hopefully isnt true, just how i feel).

Fri
2009-06-03, 07:59 PM
@Yuuki

Just took me 3 years. Don't worry.

evil-frosty
2009-06-03, 09:36 PM
I really dont want to wait 3 years for this to be over. That would be the rest of my high school days, those are suppose to be great right?

reorith
2009-06-03, 09:42 PM
yuuki jaggar

make something over and over again. something that requires several steps and at the end you have a small finished item. something like origami or fly tying or handloading then after a few weeks, it won't matter that you ever had feelings for this individual because you have 10,000 cranes or a forkload of hand tied flies for some quality stream time. you'll have a tangible mass of proof that you've moved on.

SilentNight
2009-06-03, 10:18 PM
frosty: There's really no hard and fast solution for getting over someone. I'm still not entirely over my ex from six months ago despite having dated someone else in between. But am i letting it get me down? No. All I can tell you is don't focus on it. I know it feels horrible but you have to get her out of your life at least for the moment. Maybe get out, find someone else. Most importantly, listen to reggae, a lot, it works wonders believe me. Unless you don't like reggae, in which case maybe some Beatles. Chin up and good luck.

Syka
2009-06-03, 11:30 PM
There is a difference between not being 'over it' and letting it affect your life. Am I over my ex? Not really. But I don't let him affect my life anymore. It was an active choice to move past it. There are still some latent issues and all but anything I have control over I don't let affect me.

It's been 2.5 years with a steady relationship most of that time (nearly 2 years). He knows it still effects me and we both know it will continue to.

My solution? Cutting him out of my life. As in, no contact at all, etc. It has definitely helped the wounds heal quicker.

Zeb The Troll
2009-06-04, 12:27 AM
Y_J and evil-frosty: In a previous iteration of this thread I told my tale of woe about how hard it was for me to move past my last relationship. It may take some time to be able to move on, but move on you must. Don't fret about how long it's taking. Occupy your time with something else. Read books, play MMO's, go bowling, clean house, whatever. Don't be alone and idle at the same if you can help it. It makes the time pass much more quickly.

As for how long it will take, I've found that this tends to be relative. When I learned it was over between me and my high school sweetheart, I grieved muchly, for about 6 months. We'd dated all the way through high school (and had a kid together). I thought this duration was interminable, but pass it did. Later in life I dated, lived with, and loved a woman and we were in a relationship for nearly seven years. We were engaged to be married. Twice. In my 30's, it took a REALLY long time to move past the crushing realization that this too, was now over. But it did pass. And I met someone even more spectacular than both of them put together. :smallbiggrin: You're both young and it will seem like forever, but later in life you'll realize that it probably wasn't that long at all.

-------------------------------

In other news, I just saw an amusing commercial on television that implies that bikers are more virile. *RAWR* :smallcool:

Jack Squat
2009-06-04, 12:41 AM
Y_J and evil-frosty: In a previous iteration of this thread I told my tale of woe about how hard it was for me to move past my last relationship. It may take some time to be able to move on, but move on you must. Don't fret about how long it's taking. Occupy your time with something else. Read books, play MMO's, go bowling, clean house, whatever. Don't be alone and idle at the same if you can help it. It makes the time pass much more quickly.

To inaccurately show my age

I used to be lonely until I learned about living alone
I found other things to keep my mind on
And I'm gettin' to know myself a little bit better
Woah, I keep pushing on, I keep pushing on, yeah

Going through all the changes, I made so many mistakes
Oh yes I did
Tryin' to leave behind the heartaches
And sometimes I think I was a little bit crazy, oh yeah
Whoah, I keep pushing on

This advice also works for long-distance relationships. When school's in session, I have to keep myself busy, else I start thinking how much my life sucks that I'm 200-some miles away from the person I want to be with.

Just find something you enjoy doing, and do it. If you find someone there that you can start up a new relationship with, that's one way to "speed up" recovery, but at the very least, you won't be moping around saying how much your high-school life sucks.

Castaras
2009-06-04, 02:16 AM
This advice also works for long-distance relationships. When school's in session, I have to keep myself busy, else I start thinking how much my life sucks that I'm 200-some miles away from the person I want to be with.


And that is the number 3 piece of advice I can give for someone stuck in a long distance relationship.

Number 2 piece of advice? Look to the future. Keep hoping. Keep in your mind the next time you are going to meet up, and look forward to it. Realise that if you make it through the years of separation you will eventually be able to be with that person forever.

Number 1? Don't get into a long distance relationship in the first place. Simply put, it is harsher on you than a short distance relationship is. You'll have to endure more tears than in a short distance relationship, and probably be filled with envy at all the people you see everyday who're holding hands with their loved ones.

Okay, number 1 isn't always possible, and I don't regret getting into my long distance relationship. It's just that short distance would be better. :smallsmile:

The Rose Dragon
2009-06-04, 02:25 AM
Number 0 advice would obviously be: don't get in a relationship ever.

It's difficult, it'll wear you down and it will often cause you pain; it's harder to find that will give you more than it'll take away from you.

Yet we all keep hoping that there will be that one relationship which will make up for all the pain our trial and error has caused. And sometimes we even do find that one relationship. And in the end, isn't that what truly matters?

...well, if you ask me it's not, but I'm an idiot anyway. So go do exactly the opposite of what I would tell you to do were I being honest.

Back to your regularly scheduled awesomely optimistic and useful thread.

Moonshadow
2009-06-04, 03:48 AM
Finding a new relationship right now is not the best choice for me, as I am still to screwed up in the head, and I work too much, and I feel like it would be a rebound after a fashion.

I wish that I could not feel bitter about her being happy though. It makes me feel bitter and angry that she can get over it that easily (though, she was the one who screwed me over, not vice versa, so I guess its easier for her) It may sound childish and petulant, but I don't think she's been unhappy, or suffered enough for what she did.

If I could totally wipe my mind of her, I'd be happy, but alas, no neuralisers :smallannoyed:

DamnedIrishman
2009-06-04, 07:41 AM
I wish that I could not feel bitter about her being happy though. It makes me feel bitter and angry that she can get over it that easily (though, she was the one who screwed me over, not vice versa, so I guess its easier for her) It may sound childish and petulant, but I don't think she's been unhappy, or suffered enough for what she did.


You don't ever have to feel guilt about having such emotions. You can get upset, angry, jealous, bitter, hateful, whatever... it's all part of the process of getting over someone. It implies that there is frustration on your part, whether over the end of the relationship, or something that was in the relationship. Either way, it's fine for you to be bitter and angry for a while - in fact, you should accept you feel this way and perhaps have a good rant now and then to blow off steam.
None of us are perfect, and we all encounter unpleasant emotions now and then. The way we deal with it is important. Bottling things up or denying them or trying to hide from them won't make them go away. Give them free rein for a while, get it out of your system. You'll feel better afterwards.
As long as you don't dwell on them forever or do something horrible because of them, it doesn't matter.

"When I grew to be a man, I put away my childish things, including fear of being childish."
Even the best of us have a tantrum now and then. Stomp about, shout a bit. Release the pressure. If that doesn't work, try going to the gym or for a run and exhausting yourself.

SilentNight
2009-06-04, 09:01 AM
In other news, I just saw an amusing commercial on television that implies that bikers are more virile. *RAWR* :smallcool:

:smallcool:

Syka
2009-06-04, 09:42 AM
Yuuki, to be honest she may have suffered and you just didn't see it. If you ask my ex, he probably thinks I was fine after the initial break up*. I just didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing how deeply I was hurt by what happened. I suffered greatly, and I think he did to, but I just didn't let him see.

That said, your feelings are also completely normal. Part of me wants him to hurt like I did so he understands, not most of me but that part of me which is still wounded. It's not an active desire and not something I'd actually want to happen, but it still exists.

*I should say thought or would think since I know in the past he's responded in a RWA thread to something I said regarding him so he still might read this.

Serpentine
2009-06-04, 10:52 AM
Part of me wants him to hurt like I did so he understandsIt's quite nice to hear someone else say that. Now, though, it's in large part because I'm afraid that that's the only way he will, indeed, understand, which will be the only way he could ever possibly admit that maybe he wasn't completely in the right at all times and maybe genuinely tell me he's sorry...

Yuuki, my ex and I broke up just over 12 months ago, he got with his new girlfriend/my very good friend about a week or two under 12 months ago, and he moved out of my house about 6 months ago. It still swirls up somewhat bitter and angry thoughts when I get to (oh joy) pass her at work in the uni library when I'm up there studying. If you figure it out, please tell me :smallsigh:

UserClone
2009-06-04, 12:13 PM
Ooooh, I had one of those. I was at dinner with a friend from OKC, in my ex-wife's hometown, and when I walked in the door who should be sitting at a table right there than one of her best friends? "Hey, long time no see!" she said. *blink* "Well, it would be kind of weird if I'd tried to see you on purpose, don't you think?" I replied without thinking. Kids, can you say, "A-W-K-W-A-R-D?"

evil-frosty
2009-06-04, 12:35 PM
Thanks for all the advice. I did date someone since the break-up(actually posted bout it in the last RWA thread). The thing is i know she didnt really suffer all that much as she was leading me on for about 3 months before finally breaking up with me, so in that time she just kept getting more distant and then bout 3 and a half weeks after she broke up with me, she got together with someone else. Of course i hear all about this from one of our mutual friends who goes to school with her. It was just too soon for me to see that she already moved on. In short i feel like that everything we did have was just one huge lie. Anyways i am off to design some adventures meant to kill and scary the bejesus out of adventuring parties:smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin:

On a side note I AM ON SUMMER VACATION!!!! Hell ya :smallbiggrin:

UserClone
2009-06-04, 01:05 PM
Evil-Frosty, not to try and sound like a douche, but get over yourself. Try being married to her, having her tell you she doesn't want to be married to you anymore one day, and four days later she's living with another guy (her new boyfriend) who was supposedly a mutual friend, then get back to me on unfair.:smallannoyed:

loopy
2009-06-04, 01:15 PM
Evil-Frosty, not to try and sound like a douche, but get over yourself. Try being married to her, having her tell you she doesn't want to be married to you anymore one day, and four days later she's living with another guy (her new boyfriend) who was supposedly a mutual friend, then get back to me on unfair.:smallannoyed:

My sympathies mate, sounds horrible. :smallfrown:

My worst was my first girlfriend, girl I'd deeply fallen for, lost my virginity too... blah blah.

Then she informed me that she'd slept with other people while we were together. Several other people. She informed me in the middle of a crowded room at a party.

That shattered a lot of my remaining faith in romance and love. Still haven't really been able to trust people again. I'm getting there though, four years later, and in the meantime have had a lot of fun, having turned into a more caring version of Barney Swinson. :smalltongue:

xyzzy
2009-06-04, 02:35 PM
This is probably going to be lengthy. And emo-y. Sorry in advance :smalltongue:

So. Girl I like. I've known her since August, met her in AP Physics, which was the last class of the day for us. For some dumb reason I was at that point pursuing another person who turned out to be the most pretentious, self-centered person I know. Luckily, of no consequence to this story other than to say that I didn't really notice the girl I'm interested in for about eight months. Well, not quite. But I'll get to that when I do.

Quick regional side note: I'm pretty much dead-center in the Bible Belt. Most people around here are extremely conservative, extremely homophobic, and convinced that the world took 168 hours to make. I'm Christian, but on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. This means that the number of like-minded people is extremely small.

Also, I have just about the weirdest combination of things I enjoy --- math and writing. In case you're not up to date on uncommon combinations, that's very high up there, and while there's a reasonable number of people who can enjoy a conversation about math, and a large number who enjoy writing, finding any intersection is extremely rare.

So, during those eight months, I slowly learn that she fits basically everything I could possibly like in a person; recall that she's in AP Physics, so the whole "enjoying math and science" thing is down. I later find out that she also loves reading and writing, so that's covered, too.

The big thing comes in April. There's an annual day of protest for GLBT rights called Day of Silence in April; though I wasn't familiar with it until the day of, I find out about it that morning from a friend who is participating (same friend [male, by the way] who later comes to school in a skirt and corset to protest the fact that this isn't allowed even though girls looking like total whores is. Yes, he is awesome.), and I go on with my day, planning to participate next year.

You'll recall that physics is my last class; I go the whole day seeing various silent people, taking note of who is participating. I get to my last class, physics, and find out that she's one of the half dozen or so I've seen. Right about then it hits me, that, wow, she's really smart and attractive and all the things I've been looking for and not finding in anyone. We happen to be working in groups that day, and I'm in her group, so using a combination of writing and yes/no questions I and a couple of others have a "conversation" with her.

That afternoon, I immediately get on facebook, hoping she'll be online, which is extremely rare. She is! Yay! So, I start chatting with her there about how her day went, and we go into a couple of other related topics and talk for hours.

We have a few more long conversations over facebook, usually several hours, and we quickly discover that we're very similar and even the ways we aren't are tremendously complementary.

Finally, I get up the courage to ask her out. I do one day as we're leaving, though I don't actually call it a date; in retrospect, that might've been a good thing to do, but she says yes and we decide to plan out exactly what to do on facebook as soon as possible.

I find out during this planning that she apparently isn't comfortable eating in front of other people except family and her closest friends; this throws a wrench completely in my dinner-or-coffee-and-some-other-fun-thing plan (coffee, especially, because a quick perusal of her recent facebook statii shows that she is apparently a total coffee addict.), and her parents are apparently very paranoid about her getting rides with other people, which completely derails that as well.

However, we still end up going bowling and then play a few rounds of pool. Remember, neither of us have ever completely acknowledged what exactly it is we're doing, and the whole night goes on without this ever happening; at my insistence, I pay for both games of bowling, so perhaps that is a sign, but it's never acknowledged. We talk the whole night as well, and for a few minutes before we both leave.

So, because I've gone until April without really even noticing her, we're getting down to the end of the year. Also, this is my last year, so I won't see her in person regularly after the end of the year. Because of this, the next time I see her in school is also the last time I'll see her in school. I tell her that it was very fun and hope to do something else soon (which I unfortunately forgot to do the night of).

Okay, now back to the person I was pursuing before. I asked her out and made it plainly obvious that I was asking her out on a date, and she had also said yes, but said within only a few days that she wasn't interested in going on a date. For a while I was extremely depressed until a friend basically told me that this response was a completely obvious sign that she wasn't worth my time, and I finally drifted into just ignoring her.

So because of that whole incident I didn't feel that it made any sense to pursue anything beyond friendship without knowing that I wasn't getting into another thing like that. So as we're leaving on that last day, I tell her that she's a really amazing friend, but is she interested in anything beyond just friendship?

She replies that she's apparently been with someone for 3 years, and that, no, she's not really. I give a sort of, "oh, well, uh... oh," type reply, and we part ways. I confirm that afternoon: not only is there no mention of anyone in her info on facebook, she's even listed as single.

The thing that makes me wonder what I should be doing: we're still very good friends; we talk a lot and there doesn't seem to be any sign of odd feelings from her; I'm just at a complete loss for what I should be doing. I'm still interested in her, I just have no idea what to even think. Should I keep trying, or is this hopeless?

---

Yeah, that was rather long. >.>

Moonshadow
2009-06-04, 03:10 PM
Yuuki, to be honest she may have suffered and you just didn't see it. If you ask my ex, he probably thinks I was fine after the initial break up*. I just didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing how deeply I was hurt by what happened. I suffered greatly, and I think he did to, but I just didn't let him see.

That said, your feelings are also completely normal. Part of me wants him to hurt like I did so he understands, not most of me but that part of me which is still wounded. It's not an active desire and not something I'd actually want to happen, but it still exists.

*I should say thought or would think since I know in the past he's responded in a RWA thread to something I said regarding him so he still might read this.

Aaaah, thats the thing though, I know she suffered too, but that petty, childish part of me thinks it hasn't been enough for what she did to me.

But y'know, Eye for and eye makes the world blind, etc etc.

Still doesn't make up for her ruining my already limited ability to trust people though :smallannoyed:

Destro_Yersul
2009-06-04, 03:25 PM
Aaaah, thats the thing though, I know she suffered too, but that petty, childish part of me thinks it hasn't been enough for what she did to me.

But y'know, Eye for and eye makes the world blind, etc etc.

Still doesn't make up for her ruining my already limited ability to trust people though :smallannoyed:

Yeah, when someone breaks up with you, it'll hurt. But it'll hurt them too. And even if they do have another relationship quite soon after you, it doesn't mean they never cared about you. Chances are you've realized this already, and my saying it is redundant.

But you will get over it, as much as is possible. Give it some time. That's the hardest part about love. Trusting people, getting that trust broken, and finding the courage to try again. Because what's the alternative?

I understand that you may not want to try again just yet. I wouldn't either. But don't let one bad relationship ruin everything for you. Find something to occupy our mind. Write, draw, go out with friends. Doesn't matter what, really, anything to get your mind off her and onto something fun. After a while it won't hurt as much anymore. Oh, and I'm sure any of us here would be willing to listen if you need to vent.

Pyrian
2009-06-04, 04:53 PM
...no, she's not really.
...
Should I keep trying, or is this hopeless?For heaven's sake, lad, she told you straight up "no". So, maintain a friendship if you like, but don't pursue her further. She might change her mind down the road, but don't count on it.


Yeah, when someone breaks up with you, it'll hurt. But it'll hurt them too.I've always found it much more painful to break up than to be broken up with. :smallsigh: Either way, though, I'm strongly disinclined to show any evidence of it to the other party.

Hadrian_Emrys
2009-06-04, 05:17 PM
xyzzy: (tl; but I read it anyway.) 1. You need to walk up to your friend, and slap yourself in the face after admitting they were right. 2. Even if school is coming to a close, coffee girl strikes me as a good catch as well as worth the effort of getting to know and trying to stay in contact with.

SilentNight
2009-06-04, 10:42 PM
I've always found it much more painful to break up than to be broken up with. :smallsigh: Either way, though, I'm strongly disinclined to show any evidence of it to the other party.
Agreed. Ironically, my girl friend broke up with me about three weeks ago and for about a week and a half after that I was on an incredible natural high for no apparent reason.

Ranis
2009-06-04, 11:20 PM
Okay all, I need some help. I've resisted going to this forum for a long time because I've been determined to solve all of my problems, but in this situation I just need some outside opinions because I'm lost and miffed.

My girlfriend and I of a little over a year now are very close and enjoy a special relationship together. I care about her more than anyone in the world and constantly try to help her in all of her endeavors.

She has an extremely messed up home life. Her parents are sadistic, immature, egotistical haughty racists that show their emotions through making fun of their own daughter; in short, they are bullies. As a result she has grown up her entire life never really, really sure that her parents actually love her and care about her; even though they give her material things they both grew up in very bad and abusive family settings so it is virtually inevitable that people who only knew one way to treat children would then repeat it in some degree onto their children.

In any case, as a result she has a bad habit of making rather poor choices when it comes to friends, and they tend to blow her off for parties and random drunk frat guys (we're both in college). So the only person she ever really gets a feeling of being wanted and accepted is from me, which I do with open arms as much as I can.

Lately things have gotten very bad with her getting ready to move out of the house and away from her parents and the last four months have been very hard on me, being supportive and reassuring of her while constantly rushing to her side when her own father makes fun of her for being fat (which she isn't) and stupid (she gets straight A's). It's been so hard on me that I never get time to myself anymore and it's left me slipping on her needs because of my own desire to get five minutes to do some simple gaming by myself to just relax. I work two internships and a part time job 7 days a week and am pretty burnt out by the time I get home anyway, and to then need to address her problems leaves me constantly burnt out and exhausted from just daily activities, let alone when I have a bad day her problems always supercede mine.

If I tell her I want just a little more space like I want to, I'm afraid she'll take it to the extreme and retreat into her own personal private space bubble and I'll never get let back in her life because she will feel completely and utterly unwanted in all of her endeavors, because she is a catastrophic and takes things to the utmost extremely negative end whenever something small goes wrong.

But I need air. I'm already in deep water with all of the things that I'm doing this summer for my resume building and practicum credit ideas that her having troubles and me trying to address them while keeping my own things is drowning me. I really need some advice and ideas as to what to do so that I can just get me time to breathe and do something by myself without her feeling unwanted. Thanks for anything you can give me.

Katrascythe
2009-06-04, 11:22 PM
Agreed. Ironically, my girl friend broke up with me about three weeks ago and for about a week and a half after that I was on an incredible natural high for no apparent reason.

Yeah that happened to me although the high lasted a lot longer. I think it's because I stayed in my bad relationships long enough that I was vindictive and the actual breakup was a tremendous relief. Also helped that the guys were so clingy that I was ready to drop them out various windows from frustration.

SilentNight
2009-06-04, 11:34 PM
Yeah that happened to me although the high lasted a lot longer. I think it's because I stayed in my bad relationships long enough that I was vindictive and the actual breakup was a tremendous relief. Also helped that the guys were so clingy that I was ready to drop them out various windows from frustration.

Well, I'd probably still be on it if it weren't for finals but what can you do? Mine wasn't a bad relationship neccessarily, just not what each of us needed. I will admit I was pretty relieved though.

Cleverdan22
2009-06-05, 12:00 AM
Ranis, given the way you describe this girl, my advice is to wait. You said that these last four months she has been preparing to move away from her parents. That makes it sound to me like it is going to happen soon. Once it does happen, it seems like it will get a lot easier with her. I just wouldn't risk it given her emotional state. But that's me.

skywalker
2009-06-05, 01:33 AM
Evil-Frosty, not to try and sound like a douche, but get over yourself. Try being married to her, having her tell you she doesn't want to be married to you anymore one day, and four days later she's living with another guy (her new boyfriend) who was supposedly a mutual friend, then get back to me on unfair.:smallannoyed:

Your story has always made me sad when I hear it. Really sad. You suffered tremendously, and I'm pretty sure everyone who read it would agree. But that doesn't give you the right to say "my problems are better than yours." Demeaning a high-schooler doesn't help, does it?


Yuuki, my ex and I broke up just over 12 months ago, he got with his new girlfriend/my very good friend about a week or two under 12 months ago, and he moved out of my house about 6 months ago. It still swirls up somewhat bitter and angry thoughts when I get to (oh joy) pass her at work in the uni library when I'm up there studying. If you figure it out, please tell me :smallsigh:

Heh, I've got an anniversary of sorts coming up soon too. Cheers. PM me if you want to know the best way I've figured out how to get over that sort of thing.

And now, for my own self: I know Syka and a couple others (I'm sorry I've forgotten, I promise it's not cuz you're less important, you just have less memorable avatars) asked whether or not my gf and I would even consider a long-distance relationship. Despite the fact that we both absolutely swore them off (the one I did was hell, altho I suspect it might've been the same in the short distance as well), daily talk is now as tho that is in fact the path we will be traveling together come September. I meant to get back to you guys sooner, but there was nothing really to tell and it slipped thru. But I did not forget!

Serpentine
2009-06-05, 02:55 AM
Thanks for all the advice. I did date someone since the break-up(actually posted bout it in the last RWA thread). The thing is i know she didnt really suffer all that much as she was leading me on for about 3 months before finally breaking up with me, so in that time she just kept getting more distant and then bout 3 and a half weeks after she broke up with me, she got together with someone else.I was gonna mention that the "distant" part you mentioned in my case lasted 6 months of my 4 year relationship, I'm with someone else now too, and that my ex only waited a measly 2.5 weeks (at most - evidence suggests that something, at least, was happening before that) before getting with one of my best friends, but Flip beat me to it :smalltongue: Still, Fliwipig, that was pretty harsh... Wuv, still?

Skywalker: I dunno, now I'm more just angry that they've come through all this practically squeaky-clean and thinking that they're still sweet, innocent little angels. He will never really acknowledge that he could do anything wrong, because he is always within his rights; and she has a pattern of doing exactly this thing, only this time it (/me/someone she hurt) actually came back to bite her, but because everyone treats her like she couldn't possibly be anything less than Practically Perfect in Every Way, she will never understand how hurtful and unhealthy her behaviour is.
Just wish they'd get out of my head :smallmad:

Moonshadow
2009-06-05, 06:10 AM
Yeah, when someone breaks up with you, it'll hurt. But it'll hurt them too. And even if they do have another relationship quite soon after you, it doesn't mean they never cared about you. Chances are you've realized this already, and my saying it is redundant.

But you will get over it, as much as is possible. Give it some time. That's the hardest part about love. Trusting people, getting that trust broken, and finding the courage to try again. Because what's the alternative?

I understand that you may not want to try again just yet. I wouldn't either. But don't let one bad relationship ruin everything for you. Find something to occupy our mind. Write, draw, go out with friends. Doesn't matter what, really, anything to get your mind off her and onto something fun. After a while it won't hurt as much anymore. Oh, and I'm sure any of us here would be willing to listen if you need to vent.

Yeah, I do realize, I'm just bitching because I'm tired and depressed and sick of everyone heaping their bull**** on me, and I just don't want to take it anymore. I'm tired of being people's doormats, their emotional punching bags and god knows what else.

But its like, everytime I try to do something for myself, something says LOL NO. So I end up getting used to just letting people use me, because no matter how hard I try, doing things for myself never works.

And until I figure out what the hell I'm doing in a relationship I probably shouldn't pursue one. I need a Men's guide to Relationships for Dummies or something.

Katrascythe
2009-06-05, 08:42 AM
Yeah, I do realize, I'm just bitching because I'm tired and depressed and sick of everyone heaping their bull**** on me, and I just don't want to take it anymore. I'm tired of being people's doormats, their emotional punching bags and god knows what else.

But its like, everytime I try to do something for myself, something says LOL NO. So I end up getting used to just letting people use me, because no matter how hard I try, doing things for myself never works.

And until I figure out what the hell I'm doing in a relationship I probably shouldn't pursue one. I need a Men's guide to Relationships for Dummies or something.

That's stuff you shouldn't have to deal with. Who are the people who are trying to walk all over you? Friends? Family? Significant others?

You should try to talk to a counselor or someone who can help you get over this. It's really demeaning :( I've never been in your position that I can recall but I imagine how much crap you gotta go through with people. I think I'm obligated to say that you need to put your chin up and then just put your foot down and say no, but if it were that easy you'd have already done it.

Pyrian
2009-06-05, 11:04 AM
Hi Ranis,

Tough situation - parents can be a singularly intractable problem. Is there any chance you can get your girl into therapy? Maybe that could take some of the load off of you. Good luck.

UserClone
2009-06-05, 11:23 AM
Yeah, sorry for coming off so harshly. It's unfair for people to compare their problems to those of others, because different situations affect different psyches differently. So it isn't coming from the same baseline.

Incidentally, Katrascythe, is that your actual eye? Because that is a singularly attractive eye. Which isn't to say I don't hope that there is another one out there just like it somewhere, preferably a couple of inches to its immediate left or right, depending on perspective.:smallwink:

Edit: And hey, I hadn't even noticed your response, Skywalker. Maybe I'm just growing up a little?:smallconfused:

Anyway, yeah, June the 4th was the anniversary of the death of my marriage, so...nope, I was still being a douche.

Ranis
2009-06-05, 11:45 AM
Hi Ranis,

Tough situation - parents can be a singularly intractable problem. Is there any chance you can get your girl into therapy? Maybe that could take some of the load off of you. Good luck.

She has been seeing a counselor for 2 months now, and things have gotten SO much better; however lately it's been just weighing me down tremendously.

Syka
2009-06-05, 01:12 PM
I think I have the dating-then-breaking-up couples beat on an ex getting together with a new person. Try within 6 hours of us breaking up....PRE break up, lol. I can laugh about it now, and they didn't make it official until the day after the break up, but I can count the hook up, right?

In all honesty I hope they are still together and happy. 'Cause God knows the last 6 months to a year of our relationship was hell.

Ranis, why not maybe see the counselor with her? This is obviously taking a toll on you and it can't hurt to have someone to talk to yourself.

skywalker, glad to hear you two decided to give it a shot. :smallsmile: I've been home about 6 months now after almost a year and a half of distance (and possibly another 2 years starting next January), and we're still not sick of each other. Usually if a relationship works well close it'll work well far away, and if it doesn't work well far away it generally doesn't work well close as I've found.

xyzzy, drop it. She told you no now drop it, regardless of her actual relationship status. When I was technically single I had a guy friend ask "hypothetically" if I would consider him dating material. I said for others, sure, but he wasn't someone I would date myself. Three weeks later he outright told me he wanted to date me...the answer had not and has not changed. The second round of asking was quite annoying. So be friends but unless she initiates something more, move on.

Pyrian
2009-06-05, 01:24 PM
Yeah, Syka, that's kind of why I stick to my opinion on "rebounds": If the new relationship started after the previous relationship, that's time enough, and frankly count your blessings, 'cause many don't wait even that long. :smalltongue:

Zeful
2009-06-05, 01:40 PM
She has been seeing a counselor for 2 months now, and things have gotten SO much better; however lately it's been just weighing me down tremendously.

You have to tell her these things, but make sure you don't blame anyone. At least, anyone who doesn't deserve it. You need space, and she needs to do things that will make her feel good on her own. If she doesn't she might become dependent on you in ways that aren't conductive to any relationship other than a Father/Daughter one; which I'm fairly sure you don't want.

If your afraid that she might run away if you tell her you need some alone time, then don't, or at least not yet. If she has any interests like fencing or acting or painting or something, then go look for those things near where she's going to be living, get some material and present the idea of her doing those things once a week every week, preferably long enough for you get just a couple of hours to yourself (and allowing you to gallantly pick her up when you're feeling better) after work.

You do run the risk of her figuring everything out. If she does, be blunt. Point out that you are being overwhelmed by just the sheer number of things, her parents, your life, and you need a couple of hours to unwind. I'd even go so far as to point out that if she relies solely on you for the affirmation of her worth, you've effectively become her surrogate father. You're trying to get her to have something she can feel good about, and get yourself a couple of hours to simply unwind.

Serpentine
2009-06-05, 11:09 PM
Hmm... Maybe a combination of the above advice? "This is getting too much for even both of us to deal with. We need to see a counsellor."
Also, some others might disagree, and if you're not careful (or if she's the wrong sort of person) you could hurt her feelings, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want some time alone/with people other than your SO. I'm not sure exactly the best way to put it, but it could be okay to request some apart-time, regularly or occasionally.

Moonshadow
2009-06-06, 02:56 AM
That's stuff you shouldn't have to deal with. Who are the people who are trying to walk all over you? Friends? Family? Significant others?

You should try to talk to a counselor or someone who can help you get over this. It's really demeaning :( I've never been in your position that I can recall but I imagine how much crap you gotta go through with people. I think I'm obligated to say that you need to put your chin up and then just put your foot down and say no, but if it were that easy you'd have already done it.

Friends.... supposedly, though I don't think real friends would do that.

I mean, I can totally justify this to make it all my fault, because that's what I do, I blame myself for everything all the time, and its not healthy, and now I'm finally standing up to people and fighting for my beliefs, it causes major problems, because I'm no longer the quiet little sheep they thought I was :smallmad: I'm slowly learning to say no... slowly. I don't have to take the crap people give me anymore :smallannoyed: But I need to learn to balance these things out, because if I ever want to gain acceptance, I have to learn to compromise better.

Syka
2009-06-06, 08:07 AM
Hmm... Maybe a combination of the above advice? "This is getting too much for even both of us to deal with. We need to see a counsellor."
Also, some others might disagree, and if you're not careful (or if she's the wrong sort of person) you could hurt her feelings, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want some time alone/with people other than your SO. I'm not sure exactly the best way to put it, but it could be okay to request some apart-time, regularly or occasionally.

I fully agree, I'm just not sure there is a way to let someone who is in his girlfriend's position (ie, everyone around her already has basically made her feel not worth their time) that without it being taken horribly wrong.

Serpentine
2009-06-06, 08:12 AM
Yeah, I know. As someone inclined to take those sorts of things personally, I don't know how I'd take it, unless I was in the right frame of mind. I think maybe trying to ease the burden in general - i.e. both seeing a counsellor - is the priority for now.

Thrawn183
2009-06-06, 07:51 PM
So this isn't so much of a woe as it is a pet peeve: I have a bunch of female friends who, every time they see me (ok more like every other time), have to take the conversation down the, "I can't believe such a nice guy like you is still single" path.

Well, just once I got to have the perfect verbal retort. I will come as close to quoting relevant part of the conversation as possible.
Her: So, are you seeing anybody?
Me: Unfortunately, no.
Her: Really? But you're such a nice guy, why would anybody not want to go out with you?
Me: uuuuuhhhhhh.........
Her: No seriously, tell me who wouldn't go out with you!
Me: ......you.
Her: Oh.
*facepalm*

It's one thing to say no when somebody asks you out. It's perfectly fine in fact. Then turning around and asking that very same person why they're single is just rubbing salt in the wounds.

UserClone
2009-06-06, 07:54 PM
Yeah, the whole "women are more sensitive to the emotions of others" thing is just a stereotype, I'm afraid.


It seems we're all equally oblivious of one another, at least from time to time.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-06, 09:36 PM
Thrawn183

its that misguided support that friends seem to offer. The best thing is to head it off at the initial inquiry

Her: So, are you seeing anybody?
You: No, theres no one im really that interested in right now

shuts it down, and leaves you look positive rather than in need of re-assurance, and avoids the whole awkward "yes, we're friends, we must boost your ego"

"unfortunately not" is a phrase which can to some friends seem like you dislike being single and would snap up any relationship you could start - when in reality its rarely the case

Coidzor
2009-06-06, 10:07 PM
So between the recent wedding of my dad's cousin (my 2nd cousin? I think. Maybe. it hurts my brain to think too much on such terms), a recent conversation about age differences and appropriate ages for engagements/marriage, and far too much time to think almost lead me to bawl on and on about never having proposed to her/married her the times she suggested eloping to the courthouse with fiftybucks and a witness.

Very odd development, since it seems almost like my regret is transforming from just missing her in the now but is beginning to miss the fact that I won't see her/be around her/have her in the future.


Thrawn: I just had the most awesome idea. Learn Wacko's countries of the world song. Preface it with "all of the women and most of the guys in..." Not that I think this is true but because I had the idea of that scene playing out and laughed.

Edit: I feel like I have no mouth and I must scream right about now about all of this.

Pyrian
2009-06-06, 10:28 PM
"unfortunately not" is a phrase which can to some friends seem like you dislike being single and would snap up any relationship you could start - when in reality its rarely the caseThat's a really good point. I'm not sure the "No, theres no one im really that interested in right now" line would work, either, though; at least, I'm pretty sure my best friend's wife would just start in on the "well how about so-and-so"s. :smallbiggrin: A simple "still looking", or perhaps "still looking for the right one"? Anyone else with ideas?

Hadrian_Emrys
2009-06-06, 11:02 PM
Thrawn183: I can't claim to know you from Adam, but... It's very common for the term 'nice' to translate roughly as 'a good guy, but a bit of a doormat, which makes him kinda boring'.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-07, 11:04 AM
Thrawn183

Hadrian_Emrys poses an interesting point, being called nice is never fun. Its such a rediculously bland compliment that its counter productive because its so no-descript

if you're feeling brave enough (and i do mean that, it is a conversation that requires some degree personal fortitude), then after they've spilled out the usual list of compliments to try and 're-assure' you, turn the conversation on its head and guy "you're right - so why really, why wouldn't every girl want to go out with me?"

Even if you don't get any solid advice bourn out it, you will at least get to watch your friends squirm so hopefully they'll stop drawing the conversation down that awkward (and rather cliche) route in future

skywalker
2009-06-07, 12:05 PM
I think being honest with your feelings is best. I think what Thrawn said was pretty good: "No, I'm not seeing anyone, and I would prefer that I was." That seems like an accurate statement, correct me if I'm wrong.

Then he said: "You wouldn't go out with me, for one." Which also communicates: "It was really quite stupid of you to say that." Also good, in my book. People need to realize what crap they're saying because oftentimes people, especially girls (no offense), get involved with conversation "cycles" or patterns, IE the "so fat cycle":

Girl A: *looks in mirror* OMG I AM SOOOOOOO FAT!
Girl B: OMG, you are SO NOT!
Girl A: Yes I am, I totally gained 2 pounds this week!
Girl B: OMG it TOTALLY doesn't show! You are SO much hotter than me.
etc, etc.

Neither girl is actually communicating anything. They are both going through the motions of the conversation. When you think about it, neither is saying anything positive about themselves or each other. There is no real reassurance going on.

I realize, of course, that this might sound like a diatribe against women. I chose a female example because it is classic and I am subjected to it on a regular basis. I think one reason why women might be more susceptible to this sort of thing than men is simply because they talk so much more than men. Also, in our culture, men do not gain from being self-deprecating in same-sex interactions. Women do.

Syka
2009-06-07, 12:30 PM
Maybe not in same sex conversations but the guys I know are just as self depricating as girls. I rarely hear girls complaining about lack of men they'd like to date, whereas the guys I know constantly complain. Just like I rarely hear the guys I know complain about being fat, but the girls I know do on a near constant basis.

Self-deprication is self-deprication whether it's about a physical or mental attribute. It's not helpful to anyone and guys are just as suceptible to it as girls.

And when I turned down my guy friend I told him exactly why I did not wish to date him (completely different political and religious views, as well as his patronizing comments toward me on said topics). He's a nice guy, a bit on the needy/clingy side, but I can't fault him for being stubborn with his views since I am too. He's just not someone I could handle romantically. For other's he would be fine (well...I can't really say that...he's a decent guy but he's really got to learn some social graces).

Serpentine
2009-06-07, 01:01 PM
Girl A: *looks in mirror* OMG I AM SOOOOOOO FAT!
Girl B: OMG, you are SO NOT!
Girl A: Yes I am, I totally gained 2 pounds this week!
Girl B: OMG it TOTALLY doesn't show! You are SO much hotter than me.
etc, etc.Ew. :smallyuk: Girls actually talk like that?

Incidentally: when I'm complaining about my weight, the correct response is not "you're not overweight!", because I am, SCIENCE! told me. It is, in fact, "well, you're still gorgeous anyway" :smallwink:

HPsauce
2009-06-07, 01:04 PM
Tip for dudes if you go out with a girl and she asks you, 'do i look fat in this' the answer is always no, you look fine.
Because if you say you look like the fattest person on earth you will have bright red slap marks on your face for 6 months or longer:smallmad:

Serpentine
2009-06-07, 01:11 PM
Tip for dudes if you go out with a girl and she asks you, 'do i look fat in this' the answer is always no, you look fine.
Because if you say you look like the fattest person on earth you will have bright red slap marks on your face for 6 months or longer:smallmad:That actually happened to you? :smallconfused:

NOTE TO WORLD: It might not do as much damage as a punch, but a girl slapping is still assault!

I figure if a girl actually, literally asks, "do I look fat in this?", they deserve a "no more than in your skin" or "yes, but it's not the garment's fault". Along those lines, though, if a woman is shopping for clothes and she asks your opinion on something you genuinely think doesn't look any good on her or doesn't suit or fit her properly, tell her (tactfully). I, at least, would much rather find out before buying it and wearing it in public that it doesn't look any good on me.

Thrawn183
2009-06-07, 05:54 PM
Oh how I hate it when women ask you if something makes them look fat, or worse, just plain if they look fat. At a certain point I decided to just say yes regardless, because I was sick of it. After the thrid time I got slapped from doing that, I decided to instead just turn around and walk away without a word whenever asked that question. I refuse to be the string to somebody's emotional yo-yo.

LXH
2009-06-07, 06:01 PM
I'm still trying to digest the apparent reality that women actually ask that question. I assumed that kind of dialog only happened in sitcoms.

My brain is fairly close to blue screening right about now.

SDF
2009-06-07, 06:04 PM
I'm still trying to digest the apparent reality that women actually ask that question. I assumed that kind of dialog only happened in sitcoms.

My brain is fairly close to blue screening right about now.

I believe when I get asked that question it goes something like this;

girl: Do I look fat in this?
Me: What the hell is wrong with you?

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-07, 06:06 PM
I normally just give an honest answer when asked that question... but then my friends know not to ask me questions they're not prepared to hear answers too. One friend once even stopped mid question because she realised who she was talking to. It was rather amusing

well, for me at least anyway

LXH
2009-06-07, 06:06 PM
I believe when I get asked that question it goes something like this;

girl: Do I look fat in this?
Me: What the hell is wrong with you?
Seriously, though, it actually happens in real life! Do you ever have one of those moments when you feel like the appropriate reaction to certain information would be to just temporarily freak out, Hulk style, and just start breaking things? I'm so there.

Coidzor
2009-06-07, 06:17 PM
I believe when I get asked that question it goes something like this;

girl: Do I look fat in this?
Me: What the hell is wrong with you?

Good, though you should occasionally try a "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?" bit from that one thing that made that phrase into a meme.

Or go rawr, pick them up, throw 'em over your shoulder, and physically demonstrate that they're still light enough for you to do that to, and then compose a haiku on the spot to encapsulate it all.


Ew. :smallyuk: Girls actually talk like that?

Incidentally: when I'm complaining about my weight, the correct response is not "you're not overweight!", because I am, SCIENCE! told me. It is, in fact, "well, you're still gorgeous anyway" :smallwink:

It thought it was more along the lines, "Ok, you still look fine to me :smallwink: Though if you really want... I suppose I could help get you running :smalltongue:/working up a sweat:smallwink:"

...

...

A question. Since I'm actually experiencing enough regret and longing for my ex that I have occasionally hallucinated/translated it into sensations of imagined physical pain in my body for my ex... Why the hell am I wanting to stop feeling this pain and still flirtatious rather than having this stuff consume my mind and make me into the usual brain-dead jilted lovers that our tropes tell us about?

Hadrian_Emrys
2009-06-07, 07:32 PM
I have learned, in the past few years, that I have pretty good taste when it comes to putting together female outfits. So I do not fear sticking to the facts and adding helpful suggestions as garnish. If something looks like crap on the person, I'll tell them as much before steering them towards something that actually works well with her skin tone and figure.

As a side note: capri pants are almost always a bad choice (you can get away with them if you have big feet, extra long legs, and no ass), tops with wide elastic bands around the wrist or waist are usually a bad joke (unless you are rail thin, you want the illusion of extra mass), and those stupid 'in' boots are ugly as hell (I also tend to associate them with terminal stupidity).

Zeful
2009-06-07, 07:48 PM
I'm still trying to digest the apparent reality that women actually ask that question. I assumed that kind of dialog only happened in sitcoms.

My brain is fairly close to blue screening right about now.

Of course people talk like that in real life, where else would sitcoms get their material?

Jack Squat
2009-06-07, 07:57 PM
The football coach at my high school said that the only proper response to that question is to fake a heart attack.

I'd probably just field it back with a "what do you think"...or bust out laughing. I'm not sure which.

LXH
2009-06-07, 08:22 PM
Of course people talk like that in real life, where else would sitcoms get their material?
I hope you're joking. :smallfrown:

Berserk Monk
2009-06-07, 08:28 PM
Of course people talk like that in real life, where else would sitcoms get their material?

According to Scrubs, you're supposed to have an inner monologue, friends with problems that are similar enough for you to generalize their problems, and the ability to fantasize.

King_Diamond
2009-06-07, 08:41 PM
I got one for you got one for you guys. Me and this girl have been going out for about 3 months and it's been great. But, one day she tells me she's a jahova's witness. No big deal, I'm not religious at all. Then she asked me who I belived in. Well, I'm usually a weird person and sarcastic (Which she likes) and I responded David Bowie. She didn't like that...so now it's very tense and she seems like she hates me, even though I apoligived about a thousand times. What should I do to salvage this mess? I might add, I refuse to go to church because I don't believe in any sort off religion (Against popular thought in real life, I'm not a satanist). What do you guys think I should do, it would be cool to be with her...but if it's going to come down to morals, I might have to break it off.

LXH
2009-06-07, 08:51 PM
I got one for you got one for you guys. Me and this girl have been going out for about 3 months and it's been great. But, one day she tells me she's a jahova's witness. No big deal, I'm not religious at all. Then she asked me who I belived in. Well, I'm usually a weird person and sarcastic (Which she likes) and I responded David Bowie. She didn't like that...so now it's very tense and she seems like she hates me, even though I apoligived about a thousand times. What should I do to salvage this mess?
Break up. Not to be callous, but it's pretty hard to mesh a certain degree of religiosity in one partner with a general disregard for it in the other. Especially if it seems like the religious partner is expecting a certain degree of observance or alignment with their beliefs.

I don't mean to sound too dour, but you're in for some serious conflict if she got mad at an innocuous David Bowie joke. And why apologize? You can only believe what you believe. Did you clarify it was Ziggy Stardust era Bowie and not Labyrinth Bowie? That should smooth things over.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-07, 08:55 PM
I got one for you got one for you guys. Me and this girl have been going out for about 3 months and it's been great. But, one day she tells me she's a jahova's witness. No big deal, I'm not religious at all. Then she asked me who I belived in. Well, I'm usually a weird person and sarcastic (Which she likes) and I responded David Bowie. She didn't like that...so now it's very tense and she seems like she hates me, even though I apoligived about a thousand times. What should I do to salvage this mess?

She KNOWS that your sarcastic, so that won't be the reason.

It possibly boils down to one of a few things:
*she may have thought you were mocking her beliefs
*she may have concerns about the future of your relationship and your differing beliefs

firstly. Stop appologising - you've appologised enough, and if shes going to lord it over you forever then thats not healthy.
secondly - ask her direct what the problem is. If there isn't a problem, she should stop acting like there is one
Thirdly - if its an issue of relgion/lack of religion then why has it only become a problem now.

You have to be prepared for the possibilty that its not salvagable, but sitting back and appologising over and over and over definately won't solve anything

King_Diamond
2009-06-07, 09:02 PM
Break up. Not to be callous, but it's pretty hard to mesh a certain degree of religiosity in one partner with a general disregard for it in the other. Especially if it seems like the religious partner is expecting a certain degree of observance or alignment with their beliefs.

I don't mean to sound too dour, but you're in for some serious conflict if she got mad at an innocuous David Bowie joke. And why apologize? You can only believe what you believe. Did you clarify it was Ziggy Stardust era Bowie and not Labyrinth Bowie? That should smooth things over.

Yeah, I plan to break up with her..It sucks, but I'd perfer to be happy...And I told her Stardust era, she didn't get it..So, that's another reason

LXH
2009-06-07, 09:07 PM
Yeah, I plan to break up with her..It sucks, but I'd perfer to be happy...And I told her Stardust era, she didn't get it..So, that's another reason
I'm surprised you two got together in the first place. I don't know much about that particular religion, but most JW people I've known preferred to date within the community. And if she didn't care enough to do that, why then care about the Bowie thing? :smallconfused:

King_Diamond
2009-06-07, 09:16 PM
I'm surprised you two got together in the first place. I don't know much about that particular religion, but most JW people I've known preferred to date within the community. And if she didn't care enough to do that, why then care about the Bowie thing? :smallconfused:

Well, religion didn't really come in until about two weeks ago...But, in all hind-sight, isn't Bowie God anyway? I mean, when you die (And if you believe in that sort of stuff) doesn't "Rebel Rebel" play?

Raistlin1040
2009-06-07, 09:18 PM
Labyrinth Bowie is cool too guys...

I was not aware we could worship David Bowie.
>.>
<.<
*Begins setting up an altar in his closet*

LXH
2009-06-07, 09:19 PM
Well, religion didn't really come in until about two weeks ago...But, in all hind-sight, isn't Bowie God anyway? I mean, when you die (And if you believe in that sort of stuff) doesn't "Rebel Rebel" play?

I hope so. I've also had the Bowie dream sequences (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMj_KWftpBM) from Flight of the Concords in my head throughout this entire conversation.

Syka
2009-06-07, 10:03 PM
I've been giggling about this "omg i'm fat" conversation thing. Occasionally I'll remark that I should probably lose a bit of weight, and occasionally my boyfriend will ask if I've gained/lost weight in an effort to help me in my goal (he learned quickly to avoid this while I'm PMSing though). But I've never said "I'm fat"...mostly because I'm not really ( about 10 lbs overweight, but not fat) and I'm EASILY the smallest girl in height and weight he's dated so my comparisons are...flattering.

That said, if I ask if something makes me look fat I want an honest answer, although more often then not I'd be asking if something looks good on me 'cause, well, with certain body types certain clothing articles look horrible (re: skinny jeans on me, empire waists if you have any real bust, etc).

Rainshine
2009-06-07, 10:08 PM
This isn't a romantic relationship question, just more of a general thing:

I'm from nowhere, literally. I grew up with nearly no one apart from my parents to talk with -- we're pretty quiet -- and wasn't of similar interests or even allowed to do much with the other two kids my age. After finishing school, I moved to larger places,, but have more or less been moving at least twice a year, sometimes as many as six times. I have a bit of trouble staying still, but I'm finishing up with this batch of traveling in a couple weeks, and have no idea what will happen after that.
I'm not good with people, and once there is more than three or so people in a group all talking, I'll fade away into the wall. Since I've moved so much, I never felt very comfortable becoming much more than passingly friendly with people. I'm probably not ever going to see you after I leave next month, and I know that distance friendships are very hard to keep going.

Most of my conversations with people I meet are about their past, where they grew up, etc. Here's my question: what do "normal" people talk about? Presumably after a certain point of talking to someone, you know where they came from. You're talking about something whenever you see them, and I'm guessing it's more than just a How was your day? So what?

Jack Squat
2009-06-07, 10:17 PM
Most of my conversations with people I meet are about their past, where they grew up, etc. Here's my question: what do "normal" people talk about? Presumably after a certain point of talking to someone, you know where they came from. You're talking about something whenever you see them, and I'm guessing it's more than just a How was your day? So what?

The weather, news, sports, recent events, what we did over the weekend, anything we're looking forward to, TV, science, math, the meaning of life, movies, books, games, art, work, homelife, school, fishing, fantasies, cooking, music, etc.

Once you get through the introduction part, ask what they're interested in, or make a comment on something general (national news seems to be something everyone knows at least something on). If there's a topic there that you know about in particular, you can maybe bring that up.

The problem isn't so much what you talk about, but how, and that's learned. Don't be lecturing, and be able to see if they're not interested.

Syka
2009-06-07, 10:39 PM
We talk about our families (since we all know each others), work, that awesome thing we did on that one game, religion, relationships/lack thereof, sex, school, the future, music, pets, old funny stories, showing each other internet videos, playing games, etc. Generally friend interactions have quirks to them, with one friend we're always talking about Doctor Who and another tyrants from Ancient Rome is a common topic.

Semi-regularly psychologica and medicall issues are spoken of, too, since one friend of mine has schizophrenia and a few others have depression/bipolar, and a number of us have some sort of chronic medical condition and none are ashamed of it.

It may be awkward at first but once you start cultivating more permenant friendships it should become easier for your more 'typical' conversation topics.

Hadrian_Emrys
2009-06-07, 11:11 PM
Rainshine: Sounds to me that the best practice for 'normal' conversation (whatever the heck THAT is) lies with finding online communities with people who have similar interests to you. The kind of thing you banter about in forums is pretty much what goes on face to face, only at a slower pace.

Moonshadow
2009-06-08, 03:48 AM
Ok, so I did a stupid thing last night. I was on Facebook for some obscure reason, and I found that my best friend still has my ex as a friend, and I couldn't stop myself from looking, and I looked at her profile and found that she's started dating someone else again, and I got really angry to the extreme, and wanted to do stupid things like send abusive messages and stuff because I never took the chance to yell at her and tell her how she made me feel before.

But I didn't, and the love/hate mix I still feel for that stupid bitch of a women keeps fluctuating. I still care for her, even though I hate what she did, and while part of me wants her relationships to FAIL BECAUSE SHE'S A STUPID USING BITCH WHO GETS DEPENDANT ON WHOEVER HER NEXT TARGET IS BECAUSE SHE HAD A CRAPPY CHILDHOOD AND HER DADDY LEFT HER AND HER MOTHER IS A BITCH JUST LIKE HER etc etc, while part of me wants to hope that she's learned her goddamn lesson and can maybe find a little bit of happiness.


I'm not happy with the way Karma is working out right now :smallfurious: but the angry is surely helping burn away some of those lingering traces of love. Now, if I could just forget about her, and stop caring, I'd be fine, but I've got to keep slowly attempting to move on.

At least I'm well into the angry stage, instead of being stuck in the whiny "I'll do anything to have you back stage"

I didn't deserve that bitch, I deserve much much better than that, and here is hoping Karma will eventually give me something good.

Just had to rant, sorry >_> I never seem to do enough of that, all the anger kinda stays with me. Needed a release valve, lol :smallwink:

Syka
2009-06-08, 09:40 AM
I found making an anonymous livejournal helped in regards to the anger release. That way you get it out but don't have to deal with having people you know read about it/get tired of hearing about it. I don't do well in letting other people know when I'm mad or upset in general (when my ex broke up with me I went out, told my mom and sister, then went to bed 'cause I didn't want to have to deal with their being sorry for me and all), so it helped act as a great venting tool and I have no doubt it helped in my getting past some stuff.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-08, 11:13 AM
Yuuki_Jaggar

firstly - excercise more self control in future. No good will EVER come from looking at an ex's profile online. Hopefully you'll learn that leasson from this one

secondly - hit the gym/do something energetic to burn out that aggression. If you don't "do" sports/excercise - start. Exercise releases endorphins, the brains natural happy chemicals, so it will get you back to feeling good sooner rather than later

3rd - maybe syka suggestion of starting a journal would help?

Moonshadow
2009-06-08, 07:50 PM
Ok.... this is seriously getting weird... Last night, I got a text from the last girl I was talking to, the one who called me a creepy stalker, and threatened to come round my house and beat me up, and get this, she was apologising o_o


WTF?

LXH
2009-06-08, 08:01 PM
Ok.... this is seriously getting weird... Last night, I got a text from the last girl I was talking to, the one who called me a creepy stalker, and threatened to come round my house and beat me up, and get this, she was apologising o_o


WTF?
I have been apologizing to people all wrong this entire time.

Coidzor
2009-06-08, 08:31 PM
Ok.... this is seriously getting weird... Last night, I got a text from the last girl I was talking to, the one who called me a creepy stalker, and threatened to come round my house and beat me up, and get this, she was apologising o_o


WTF?

Well, it sounds like she did have some stuff to apologize for. Now as far as whether/how to acknowledge it... I'll leave someone a bit more well-rounded to answer that if that's what you're wondering.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-08, 09:37 PM
Ok.... this is seriously getting weird... Last night, I got a text from the last girl I was talking to, the one who called me a creepy stalker, and threatened to come round my house and beat me up, and get this, she was apologising o_o


WTF?

I personally wouldn't respond - shes overstepped some major boundries with her accusations, so for the sake of own selfesteem/respect i wouldn;t get drawn into it. Its her loss, not yours

Also - she sounds ****in mental. Yet another reason to steer clear, and keep the fire hose ready by the door

Moonshadow
2009-06-09, 01:06 AM
ok... right... it turned out to be a friend of hers going behind her back... ringing up random people...

Frakking confuseder right now @_@

Coidzor
2009-06-09, 05:45 AM
Yeah, sounds like a headcase to me alright.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-09, 08:05 AM
definately steer clear - and don't pay any more attention to it

Syka
2009-06-09, 08:28 AM
If any of you are familiar with FML, well....FML. Just FML. (Long story but background is pretty much needed for why the current freak out)

Most of you probably remember the Incident with The Girl, etc. It's come up a few times but not really caused any problems, mostly in a discussion kind of way (like me trying to explain there is nothing tangible I don't like about her...it's just a feeling, and that feeling isn't just because she was flirting with him or whatever). Every now and then she texts him, but I can handle that. Do I like it? Not really, but whatever, it's life, I can deal and not bringing it up 'cause it would be pointless.

Enter Mom, who in the course of a conversation finds out they still talk on occasion. Plants seeds to doubt about my decision of it being OK (long story, not just in regards to Relationship but also as to giving False Hope). As I said, I didn't really like it but I didn't overly mind, yet this still plants the seeds since I was already pms-y. I mention it to Boyfriend. As a "Reassure me, I am being all emo and self-doubty, tell me I'm acting stupid", which is his normal thing.

Of course things can't go all to plan. He gets defensive, says stuff not true (like that he stopped talking to her (he doesn't initiate conversations and they aren't often, but I know from HIS mouth that they happen) and don't talk anymore (they talked a couple weeks before this conversation), and also says something that really, really hurt me (You want me to be rude to someone just because you don't like them?; which I never said anything about wanting him to not talk to her AND which made me feel like her feelings rate above mine).

Hearing things I've always known to be warning signs (white lies and passing the blame off to you) scared the poo out of me. It's been, oh, about a week or so and it's still getting to me because, frankly, I'm terrified. Out of my mind terrified.

He said he was tired since it was late and he'd had a long day but I still can't shake the "There is something seriously wrong with what happened" feeling.

He does not know this. He probably will soon, since I had a bad dream and he wants to know what it was about but it's tied in to this whole fiasco.

I'm not sure there is anything I can hear from him that'll make me feel better; I know my mom will just make me feel worse; and I'm hoping you guys can give some impartial advice. Either a smack of "You're being stupid and making a mountain out of a molehill" or a smack of "Smarten up girl, you're gut is right".


And I can't say I'll be sad when she leaves for school. Although her going away party may cause an interesting conundrum...

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-09, 08:44 AM
[edited to not be so harsh]

Syka - you're being a tad silly. And hes right. It does come across as you saying you don't want him to talk to her because you're not cool with it. If you're cool with them being friends, then stop mentioning it to him, but if you're not cool with it, then have a solid reason. By bringing it up it may seem to him like a passive aggressive attempt by you to get him to stop talking to her - hence why hes getting defensive.

If he says you've got nothing to worry about then trust him.

Its not a case of you should have to bottle up your feelings/doubts - but you do need to find a way to deal with them and move past them, else they'll keep coming up again and again and it will create friction

Serpentine
2009-06-09, 08:53 AM
I don't think that was fair, Pancake.

Syka, what exactly did you say, and how did you say it? When talking about something like that, it could be very easy to put him on the defensive. I think you basically need to tell him what you told us - that you're not accusing him of anything, you've just got this seed of doubt that you need him to reassure you on. When you're having a proper, reasonable discussion about it, then it might be worth getting him to clarify the things he said.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-09, 09:02 AM
I don't think that was fair, Pancake.


noted - edited



Syka, what exactly did you say, and how did you say it? When talking about something like that, it could be very easy to put him on the defensive. I think you basically need to tell him what you told us - that you're not accusing him of anything, you've just got this seed of doubt that you need him to reassure you on. When you're having a proper, reasonable discussion about it, then it might be worth getting him to clarify the things he said.

if you take such approach be careful how you phrase things. Its a conversation you've gone over many times before, so it may come across as saying "what you've done so far isn't enough" - which will further put him on the defensive

Syka
2009-06-09, 09:03 AM
I'd brought it up after my mom brought it up and got me second-guessing myself. I even told him I'm still OK with them talking after I related my story of needing reassurance. Which is when he started getting defensive.

As I said, it doesn't come up much, maybe a few times (not even a handful), and he's been the one to bring it up too. The main time was me realizing a comparison for the "just rubs me wrong" that he could relate to (since he'd gotten it that time as well, and it was a dude we were picking it up from; I've never gotten this vibe off another girl just because of her flirting). The others were just passing things where it'd come up for some reason or other, I'd reassure him I was cool with it, move on. He knows I don't like it or her, but I deal and don't make an issue out of it and in return he keeps mention of her to a minimum.

Do I have a hard and fast reason for wanting them not being friends? Not by a lot f peoples standards. Part of it's she rubs me the wrong way, and part is I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. I trust him, though, which is why I deal with it.

I know I'm being silly, and I'm trying really really really hard to be OK. I actually wasn't planning on mentioning it at all (honest!) until he asked about the dream this morning, 'cause the dream really shook me. It's not overtly related to The Girl, but I have a feeling the stuff I've been trying to deal with on my own the last week or so is partially why the dream content reared it's head.

(And thanks pancake, I was hoping to hear from you since you're good at smacking me right side up when my emo brain takes over.)

ETA: I am not really sure how I'm going to phrase it either, since the "you haven't done enough" is exactly what I'm trying to avoid it being like.

afroakuma
2009-06-09, 09:03 AM
To those of you who remember all the fun of last time: how you you get away from someone who's unhealthy for you when you don't actually want to?

Even knowing she's the worst thing in my life, I still miss her and I'm still happy around her (until she starts talking about Mr. Perfect, anyway). She also recently moved down to this end of the city, so she's popping up all over the place.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-09, 09:17 AM
afrokuma

self control. Self imposed distance between the two of you. Get out there and get on with things, so the 'gap' her absence leaves soon becomes opertunity for new interests to grow/expand

Syka

I think it would be healthier for you as a couple if he didn't actively avoid mentioning her/keep it to a minimum. Im not saying he should go out of his way to mention her either, but he shouldn't tip toe around the issue. If she comes up in conversation, she comes up, simple as that.

I have to ask this - you say you trust him, so why do you still percieve her to be a threat?

afroakuma
2009-06-09, 09:18 AM
self control. Self imposed distance between the two of you. Get out there and get on with things, so the 'gap' her absence leaves soon becomes opertunity for new interests to grow/expand

I've been doing that for months on end. Hasn't taken yet. :smallfrown:

TheBST
2009-06-09, 09:25 AM
To those of you who remember all the fun of last time: how you you get away from someone who's unhealthy for you when you don't actually want to?

Sorry, you can't. Not until you stop wanting to see her. Best way to do that is find someone else.

Syka
2009-06-09, 09:29 AM
That's the thing...I dunno. There is something about her that just rubs me the wrong way. It's not often, but every now and then I get that feeling. There was a guy Oz was doing some film work with that I met and afterwards, he asked what I thought of him. I go "He's nice but....somethings off. I have no reason not to like him, but I don't"; turned out, he agreed with me on the guy.

Even after everything settled down by all accounts I should have liked her. They do not talk often, although he generally lets me know when they do. They don't even have any shifts together. It's a girl whose got a lot of similar interests to me. She's got a tattoo from Fifth Element for God's sake, a movie I absolutely adore. She's getting/gotten into Firefly, my favorite TV series. She invited us to a convention at which most of Firefly cast supposedly is at.

But something about her rubs me wrong. The first time I met her (after I'd calmed down and was really wanting to get to know her; before the late night texting) I got that vibe and even mentioned it that night.

As I said, other girls have flirted with him since we've been together, including girls he has more contact with than her, who I've met via his work. She's the only one that I've had a serious aversion to. I don't have serious aversions to most people.

And I don't think he actively avoids it, more like keeps it to a minimum. Letting me know they've been talking, updates on the work situation (she'd quit, but returned), but not going on and on about her and stuff like had been happening back around when the original Incident happened.

Katrascythe
2009-06-09, 09:34 AM
I've been doing that for months on end. Hasn't taken yet. :smallfrown:

Is there any way to simply avoid her? I know that it's a bit extreme. I don't know how big your town is so that might be harder than I think. I learned a couple years ago that I can bring myself to simply avoid areas where I might see unsavory folk... find a hobby or something that can take your interest to a place where you don't see the girl.


Sorry, you can't. Not until you stop wanting to see her. Best way to do that is find someone else.

That's... not exactly the best way to do it. It *really* sucks being the girl a guy's using to get over another girl. Same in reverse >_< Yeah sometimes that works out but a lot of the time the result is just bad.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-09, 09:53 AM
I've been doing that for months on end. Hasn't taken yet. :smallfrown:

its takes time, believe me. I am/was in a similar boat - unable to get over an ex. But then last friday, for the first time in 8 months since the split, i felt ok around her - so thats progress. Maybe im finally over it

so it can take time - im not gunna say how long - but just tough it out and you'll be ok in the end. Just don't sit back and do nothing. Get out there and get on with things

Syka

is it the similarities that make you feel so threatened?

Syka
2009-06-09, 10:02 AM
Nope, he hangs out with a fair amount of girls, particularly now that he's getting more into film. He can rave on and on about them and there's no problem, and the ones he tends to talk a lot about are the ones who we have a lot in common with. He drove with one girl over to the city about an hour and a half from us who he'd mentioned all semester for something and I had no issue (we later figured out, much to everyone's amusement, she was a friend of my sister's).

Occasionally I'll get a twinge of something that goes away quickly (remnant of Issues, I never mention these ever 'cause those are Idiot Brain and I smack them down) and when I meet them it's totally extinguished.

I hate this because I like people. He jokes I get along with everyone. But every now and then I meet someone who my intuition just yells at me about.

There is no reason for me to see her as a threat, if only because of the fact that she drinks a lot. Right there, that is a deal breaker for him (he dated a couple girls who drank, and he really doesn't like his SO to drink, to the point where when I mentioned it after my doctor mentioning I should give it a try for other reasons than getting drunk, he asked me not to). I know all this.

I still don't like her. And it blows.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-09, 10:10 AM
well then i fail to see any rational cause for your distrust of her - so until you can draw a bead on it, it would be very unfair of you to carry on as is, and you have to get a handle on it... its not a healthy state of affairs sticking with the statu quo

you can by all means ask him to stop talking to her - but if you do so, you have to fully take into account the ramifications of doing so. It would be a point-of-no-return issue and may sour things greatly

Syka
2009-06-09, 10:22 AM
That's why I'm not going to ask him to. I can't, it goes against everything I believe in to ask someone to do that. It's my problem and I'm the one who needs to figure out how to deal with it. I know how I'd react and I know he'd react similarly and it would not be good, and would probably just make everything worse, if I asked him to not talk to her.

Granted, I'm at a loss as to how to handle it any more than I have been. Other than the fiasco last week it's been pretty good. I really don't mind them talking. I don't like her and I'd prefer it if she wasn't involved, but I can live with it and it hasn't been an active problem since the first Incident.

Unfortunately, by the way, sometimes there isn't always an apparent rational reason as to why you don't like someone. You just know it. The last guy I dated, one of my good friends told me she didn't like him. Didn't know why, just didn't like him. She ended up having good reason not to (put bluntly, not really a trustworthy guy; not horrible, but not really the sort of guy you want to know too closely as has been confirmed by others who knew him longer than I), but she couldn't put a finger on it at the time. I made sure I always kept that in the back of my mind since I've found my friend's judgments of people tend to be good as long as she's a third party.

And the worst part is most people think you are being unreasonable when you don't like someone because your gut is telling you not to. :smallannoyed:

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-09, 10:44 AM
given that one/some of your ex's turned out to be pretty crumby people in the trust department, can;t i ask if you're sure you've put to bed all the doubts bourne out of that

If may be possible that while you openly admit that Oz is wonderful, you still have some subconscious worries that he will also break your trust

almyki
2009-06-09, 10:55 AM
@Syka
Well, personally, I think that the sound of gut instinct shouldn't be too heavily ignored... it's there for something, right? A lot of times, when a person feels something but can't give a reason for why they do, there is some kind of reason, and they just don't consciously know what exactly it is. At least, I think that's how it works... well, that's how it is for me, I can usually put my finger on it eventually and the reason typically makes sense (even if it's an answer that I don't like) .

I'm one to err on the side of caution and a touch of pragmatic distrust, so a thing like that would bother me enough not to just 'forget about it' (I'd hate to ignore it only for it to end being true), but rather than doing anything drastic, I would probably just prepare myself internally should anything go further awry. What can I say, I'm the type of person to think that trusting a person (other than close family and very-close-childhood-friends) 100% is kind of stupid. Trust your boyfriend enough not to smother him or anything (which you don't seem to be doing, so no problem there), but hold your reserves enough to watch out for anything further trippy that could happen.

Maybe talk to him about this girl too, specifically about her and how you feel about her but without talking about your doubts about 'them'. Like, what I mean... explain about how you think she's a nice girl, she's totally into all the things you're into, there's nothing wrong with her, but you're just wigged out by something and you just can't help it, and that it's not like you'll treat her nasty because of your 'feeling' but you can't stop yourself from having that 'feeling' either. Just so that he can understand that feeling, and that you're not trying to be pushy or telling him to do something already blah blah nag, it's just a feeling you can't help and would like him to understand. Well, if you think it would help, you could try that.

But then, I've never been in a romantic relationship, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. =P Just ranting, sorry.




This isn't a romantic relationship question, just more of a general thing:

I'm from nowhere, literally. I grew up with nearly no one apart from my parents to talk with -- we're pretty quiet -- and wasn't of similar interests or even allowed to do much with the other two kids my age. After finishing school, I moved to larger places,, but have more or less been moving at least twice a year, sometimes as many as six times. I have a bit of trouble staying still, but I'm finishing up with this batch of traveling in a couple weeks, and have no idea what will happen after that.
I'm not good with people, and once there is more than three or so people in a group all talking, I'll fade away into the wall. Since I've moved so much, I never felt very comfortable becoming much more than passingly friendly with people. I'm probably not ever going to see you after I leave next month, and I know that distance friendships are very hard to keep going.

Most of my conversations with people I meet are about their past, where they grew up, etc. Here's my question: what do "normal" people talk about? Presumably after a certain point of talking to someone, you know where they came from. You're talking about something whenever you see them, and I'm guessing it's more than just a How was your day? So what?

Oh, I'm exactly like that, in a group of more than one or two. I didn't grow up isolated or anything, and I'd say at this point I'm pretty socially adjusted, but as a kid I was very anti-social, so I never hung out with too many people. It feels kind of 'blah left out nuuus~' when in large groups, but it's really not a problem. It's just a... quirk, personal social preference, something like that. I tend to doodle my own thing (I'm quite good at entertaining myself with a notebook) or wander off from groups of my friends, and prefer to just talk one-on-one or with just two (maybe three) other people. You'd probably be the same, it's much easier to talk to people one-on-one since there's no need to fight for attention or conversation-space, you know? So yeah, don't worry about socializing with large crowds, it's not really necessary and doesn't make you weird. Well... I'm not the best example for 'not-weird', but blah, whatever XD .

While I don't exactly move often, I also have difficulty becoming overly close to people (I've lived here for eight years and no 'best friend' types), sooo~ I can't help you much there XD . But being close enough to be able to call up and go out to the movies, or study/work together, exchange e-mails/talk online regularly, uh, that's not too hard. It's sorta'... natural, yeah? But you'll click differently with different people, depending on interest and personality, just do that 'casual chatting' with people and then find ones that you feel good with and work on those. I have troubles finding a conversation topic sometimes too, and with some friends there just isn't much to talk about, but usually if you hang out with a person enough there grows certain recurring topics that you can probably regularly bring up to talk about.

Example, a friend that I click really well with holds very similar tastes in anime, so we talk very animatedly and have very natural, excitable chemistry. Another friend holds few similar interests, but we had the same classes, and he was always concerned about grades, so we talked about classes, essay topics, teachers, etc. in spare time. If you have a few predominant interests, those are good questions to ask ("Do you like anime?" "Do you play video games?") .

Buuut I ramble. Sorry XD . Besides, I'm probably not the best person to talk to about socializing (*socialfail* even on the internet I'm super-lurker) .

Thrawn183
2009-06-09, 11:22 AM
I gotta go with pancake on this one. You know that joke about men wearing tuxes to weddings so that if the groom get's cold feet, everyone can just take a step to the side? I think that's pretty close to the problem.

@afroakuma
It's really tough to get over something if you can't get away from it. I know because I was in an incredibly unhealthy... well it wasn't a relationship, but the problem was my idiot landlord who was friends with the girl gave her a key to the house. She came into my home unanounced whenever she pleased (which was extremely often unfortunately). So for over the last year I'd been trapped in a terrible situation.

Fortunately, since college has ended, I'm in temporary housing until I can move (both geographically and on with my life) in the next couple of days. I can tell you though, I already feel better living in a place where she can't get to me every waking moment of the day and in a couple of days I'll be in another state and never have to see her again. :smallbiggrin:

Long story short? It takes time. It takes distance. It takes actual desire for the situation to end. It takes will power.

My best advice for you now is to pick up a new hobby. Maybe hiking. Why hiking? It gets you out of the city (the location of the problem) and if you do it with groups, you can make new friends (always a good thing).

Katrascythe
2009-06-09, 11:48 AM
I gotta go with pancake on this one. You know that joke about men wearing tuxes to weddings so that if the groom get's cold feet, everyone can just take a step to the side? I think that's pretty close to the problem.

@afroakuma
It's really tough to get over something if you can't get away from it. I know because I was in an incredibly unhealthy... well it wasn't a relationship, but the problem was my idiot landlord who was friends with the girl gave her a key to the house. She came into my home unanounced whenever she pleased (which was extremely often unfortunately). So for over the last year I'd been trapped in a terrible situation.

Fortunately, since college has ended, I'm in temporary housing until I can move (both geographically and on with my life) in the next couple of days. I can tell you though, I already feel better living in a place where she can't get to me every waking moment of the day and in a couple of days I'll be in another state and never have to see her again. :smallbiggrin:

Long story short? It takes time. It takes distance. It takes actual desire for the situation to end. It takes will power.

My best advice for you now is to pick up a new hobby. Maybe hiking. Why hiking? It gets you out of the city (the location of the problem) and if you do it with groups, you can make new friends (always a good thing).

Dude... that stuff blows. That would make anyone go nutty. Why in the name of god did your landlord give that girl a key.... and why did she want one?

Congrats on being able to move away from her. That'll sure give you piece of mind now. Now I just gotta find a way to move out of my apartment a little bit faster.........

afroakuma
2009-06-09, 11:52 AM
I live two blocks from the park; I can go "hiking" whenever I please.

It's the wanting to get away that's tough.

Katrascythe
2009-06-09, 12:04 PM
I live two blocks from the park; I can go "hiking" whenever I please.

It's the wanting to get away that's tough.

You can always get some of your friends to watch your back. I've found that mine at least are very adept at keeping me from my own devices. They provide a structure of sorts. Oh, and they keep me away from various people I would otherwise hang out with.

I actually love my friends and approve of most of their actions, so don't take that the wrong way. Just sayin'

snoopy13a
2009-06-09, 12:46 PM
And the worst part is most people think you are being unreasonable when you don't like someone because your gut is telling you not to. :smallannoyed:

Some people just rub us the wrong way. It isn't always explainable. However, you can always say that you find them arrogant, too talkative, not talkative enough, etc. Likely there is something about her personality that you haven't put a finger on yet but is subliminally bothering you.

Or perhaps it is jealousy in the back of your mind as she has similar interests as you? Either way, you don't a reason not to hang out with someone.

Also, just because two people share common interests doesn't mean that they will necessarily become friends. There are many people who share my likes and dislikes that I can't stand.

Thrawn183
2009-06-09, 03:21 PM
Dude... that stuff blows. That would make anyone go nutty. Why in the name of god did your landlord give that girl a key.... and why did she want one?

My landlord, this girl and I were all friends and in the same year of college. At the beginning of junior year she moved about 2.5 miles off campus with her boyfriend and the house I was in was right at the edge of campus. So the landlord let her park at the house and gave her a key. Then at the end of junior year she divulged that she hadn't had the guts to ask her divorced parents who were fighting for money so she hadn't actually been enrolled in college that year. It did explain why she skipped so many classes to sit on my couch, but it was still rather surprising.

So her parents took her car away from her. This is when it got really bad. She had spent lots of time at my house previous to this, but then it became rediculous. If her boyfriend had class before her, she'd wait at the house until it was time for class and then come back imbetween. In addition, she and sometimes her boyfriend would just sit at the house waiting for me to offer to drive them home for hours. I mean, there were days where I woke up to find her in my house and then drove her home at midnight because I didn't want her walking alone.

This is the same girl who is incredibly clingy, touchy-feely (she won't stop when you say it's inappropriate and she admits she knows it is), afraid of being alone (try studying when the person downstairs can't be left alone), afraid of thunder, clinically depressed (thank god she's seeing someone for this now) with family issues she refuses to confront, self-esteem issues that would make a grizzly back down, passive-aggressive and maniupulating. On top of that, she's anemic but wasn't taking her iron, so of course she wanted a ride home from me. She was on anti-depressants and drinking but not taking the anti-depressents consistently. AND she wouldn't always call home to get refills on her ADD meds because they made it hard for her to fall asleep. Not that she really needed them, I have many friends who most definitely do, she just used them as an excuse.

Give her constructive criticism and apparently you're fussin' at her all the time. Tell her you don't want to get involved in her problems? Panic Attack. Drinking without her, because she isn't supposed to be drinking? She'll knock the glass right out of your hands and refuse to clean it up. She'll demand that you play video games with her and then throw a fit when she loses. If I wanted to invite a woman over for any reason I had to try and plan it around when she wasn't there.

Ok, so imagine me living like this. Now realize that simultaneously, I was living with three roomates who had their own problems, though admittedly nowhere near as severe. I am indescribably happy to be getting the hell out of this town. Never again will I allow myself to try and put up with such a neurotic bitch. I'm like a man who just got released from prison and I am happy!

Days remaining till move: 2

Mr. Mud
2009-06-09, 03:27 PM
Thrawn, it's good you got out of there, and she had to right to impose on you like that, but she did have reasons... they just weren't very justifiable. How recently did you get out of there? I'd call the girl every once in a while to make sure she is taken care of... well I don't know. If she's clinically depressed, she has to know that somebody cares... Be there for her, but not as much as you were prior to your move.

Alas, Gratz on getting out, and I hope it all ends tranquilly. :smallbiggrin:.

Zeful
2009-06-09, 03:36 PM
I'd use email personally, that way you don't have the possibility of her calling several times a day and causing you to snap and her to commit suicide (which is extreme I admit).

afroakuma
2009-06-09, 06:41 PM
Here's a bizarre update:

I had mentioned to little miss trouble yesterday that there were a couple of girls I had considered asking out; it seemed the correct sort of thing to tell my "best friend." When I told her this, she felt that I was keeping something from her.

A few hours ago, I was walking with a girl when my cell rang. Miss trouble, who started with "she's cute, I guess, but I bet she likes *muffled*." I was confused, and asked her to repeat what she said - still couldn't make it out, but it sounded snarky. I asked who she was talking about. "The girl you're walking with."

"...would be my sister."

":smallsigh: Fine..." was the reply. Then she hung up.

I don't know where she saw me from, or what the hell the call was about, and I really don't get the purpose of it overall. Any ideas?

Pyrian
2009-06-09, 06:50 PM
That's funny. :smallcool:

It sounds like she saw you walking with your sister and figured you were hitting on her, and tried to give you advice on the situation, based on multiple incorrect assumptions.

Coidzor
2009-06-09, 07:03 PM
^: Really? I read it as she was stalking him and was trying to put down the girl he was with by calling her a lesbian.


Here's a bizarre update:

I had mentioned to little miss trouble yesterday that there were a couple of girls I had considered asking out; it seemed the correct sort of thing to tell my "best friend." When I told her this, she felt that I was keeping something from her.

A few hours ago, I was walking with a girl when my cell rang. Miss trouble, who started with "she's cute, I guess, but I bet she likes *muffled*." I was confused, and asked her to repeat what she said - still couldn't make it out, but it sounded snarky. I asked who she was talking about. "The girl you're walking with."

"...would be my sister."

":smallsigh: Fine..." was the reply. Then she hung up.

I don't know where she saw me from, or what the hell the call was about, and I really don't get the purpose of it overall. Any ideas?

Duh, she doesn't want to lose her whipping boy. She delights in putting you down and causing you psychological stress. You were stupid to even mention any girls to her at all that you were interested in. She is evil, but unfortunately you can't really smite her. I would suggest doing something ultimately unforgivable but also, non-prosecutable.

Or at least never talking about anything she could try to sabotage to keep you in her thrall again within earshot of her and if she starts stalking you like she seems to be starting to do, take ****ing action.

Rawhide
2009-06-09, 07:20 PM
Just to explain how you can get a very strong "gut feeling" that something is wrong and not be able to put your fingure on it. Many people call it intuition, but it is actually a part of your subconscious brain that is constantly working on pattern recognition in order to identify situations such as danger.


How it works
The simplest way to make sense of why and how intuition works is to think of it as an advanced pattern recognition device. Your subconscious mind somehow finds links between your new situation and various patterns of your past experiences. You may not recall most of the details of those experiences. And even if you did, it may be very hard to express the lessons you learnt in a form acceptable for analytical reasoning. Yet, your subconscious mind still remembers the patterns learnt. It can rapidly project your new circumstances onto those patterns and send you a message of wisdom. That message comes as your inner voice and will most likely be expressed in the language of your feelings. For example, some of the options or solutions you consider may not feel right to you.

(Source unknown, but explains the feeling in the same way as the BBC miniseries mentioned below)

In 2003, the BBC had a miniseries called "the human mind", in the first episode, they interviewed a fire chief who all of a sudden got a strange feeling and decided to pull all of his firefighters out of a building with no logical reason to do so. Immediately after doing so, the building exploded.

An extremely explosive and dangerous situation known as a backdraught had occured.

They went on to explain the reasons behind this feeling, including the forensic investigation on the fire that had been conducted. This part of the mind had scanned his subconsious memory of every fire he had experienced and identified a pattern of danger. The forensics identified three major warning signs that he may have been subconsciously aware of: The colour of the smoke, the sound of the fire and the direction of the wind currents into/out of the building. The brain felt that this was not right and sent him that strong feeling of danger, this saved all of the firefighters' lives.

Pyrian
2009-06-09, 07:39 PM
Intuition can backfire just as easily, though. Consider the legions of women who will only date jerks yet wonder why all their boyfriends "turn out to be" jerks.

Rainshine
2009-06-09, 07:47 PM
Hm, thanks.
I ran into someone I'd talked with a couple times out of the blue, we chatted for half an hour, and I snagged their e-mail address. We had mentioned we're both somewhat free (No work) for the next couple weeks, so I asked if they'd be available for a chat in a few days. In return, I got a dinner invitation for their house. I'm somewhere between confused and flattered right now.

afroakuma
2009-06-09, 07:51 PM
^: Really? I read it as she was stalking him and was trying to put down the girl he was with by calling her a lesbian.

I found out that she was eating at a restaurant with a street view.


Duh, she doesn't want to lose her whipping boy. She delights in putting you down and causing you psychological stress. You were stupid to even mention any girls to her at all that you were interested in. She is evil, but unfortunately you can't really smite her. I would suggest doing something ultimately unforgivable but also, non-prosecutable.

Sadly, I really don't know what that would be. And as her new boyfriend is apparently the scion of a ridiculously wealthy family, I can't exactly smite her financially either. Certainly can't smite her socially.

Thrawn183
2009-06-09, 08:05 PM
Have you tried blocking her number and e-mail? Easy steps to breaking contact and moving on.

Coidzor
2009-06-09, 08:07 PM
Intuition can backfire just as easily, though. Consider the legions of women who will only date jerks yet wonder why all their boyfriends "turn out to be" jerks.

That's not intuition! That's willful neglect of reality!

Akuma: Well, all the more reason why smiting is untenable in addition to the obvious fact that paladins don't work IRL and you should just tell her to leave you alone, that you're sick of her manipulative ways that only seek to belittle or entrap you, and thusly proceed to sever all ties with her.

But I might be a teensy bit biased against her given my experiences with a friend of mine who was wrapped around a girl's finger for so long I was surprised he didn't have **** leakage.

Edit: Hell, simply saying that you don't need her anymore or anything like that showing a bit of spine and no longer being completely under her thumb'd probably be considered unforgivable if my irrational bigotry towards what you've reported of her is even a quarter-on-to-things.

V: 'Xactly, willful neglect of reality if they never stop to examine why they keep getting sexually and emotionally abused by their own choice of mate.

...'course I guess some of it could just be the trauma clouding their minds.

Pyrian
2009-06-09, 08:11 PM
That's not intuition! That's willful neglect of reality!They're not usually doing it on purpose. They just don't realize that the same traits they're intuitively attracted to are also considered warning signs by most.

Syka
2009-06-09, 10:04 PM
Rawhide, thanks for that. It actually makes a lot of sense. In the past my gut has been right so I've come to trust it.

On the actual situation: not much has happened. I left the subject alone and he didn't mention the dream (I think he forgot since my text this morning had woken him up which is when he called, lol). I'm over it, as distance from a bad dream attached to RL situation will do, and feeling better in general. Back to happy Syka time.

I've come to realize (and this is in general, not situation specific) there will be times I'm insecure and times when I don't trust him as much as I normally do or he feels I should. It won't be most of the time or even that frequent and will get more and more infrequent- but it will be there. It's part of having been hurt, and it's something I'm dealing with. If I have an actual problem I will mention it but otherwise, it's between me and my brain.

I'm going to do my best to explain this to him and hopefully he'll understands it's kinda like when I'm PMSy- not a refection on him so much as my state of mind at the moment.

DrizztFan24
2009-06-09, 10:42 PM
So a quick question (ish). Is it normal to need someone to care for? I have found myself becoming more and more "alert" to romantic situations, such as in a movie, and it always brings up a dull pain and the realization that I don't ahve someone to care for. I tend to be rather dramatic in my inner thoughts and screenplays so I don't know if this is simply the outcome of a lucid imagination or if this is a result of nearing the end of my teenage years or something else entirely.

Any help from the playground?

Coidzor
2009-06-09, 10:46 PM
Hmm, I'd say it's fairly normal to want someone to care for that cares for you. Now as far as desiring some kind of inferior being to protect and nurture from a superior position (as in a parent to child or owner to pet relationship)... I don't really know.

Could be you're focusing your raw desire for companionship through the lens of the way you know it best from the fiction and movies you take in and enjoy.

DrizztFan24
2009-06-09, 11:03 PM
Hmm, I'd say it's fairly normal to want someone to care for that cares for you. Now as far as desiring some kind of inferior being to protect and nurture from a superior position (as in a parent to child or owner to pet relationship)... I don't really know.

Could be you're focusing your raw desire for companionship through the lens of the way you know it best from the fiction and movies you take in and enjoy.

Definately the first option :smallsmile:.

That's a potential, learning patterns right? I've been watching the movies for ages (relatively speaking) and now that my brain is telling me I should have companionship it could be that my subconcious is reverting to the prescribed events in the media I take in.

Katrascythe
2009-06-09, 11:05 PM
Human contact and interaction is critical for people. There have been a ton of studies that say that people need something/someone to really care about and that those people are a lot happier. If you really want a study I'll find one but google should bring up a ton. So I really doubt that it's unusual.

Thing is, are you willing to pursue these feelings? I don't want you getting dragged down because you're just considering the need to care for someone without actually attempting to find somebody.

DrizztFan24
2009-06-09, 11:31 PM
Thing is, are you willing to pursue these feelings? I don't want you getting dragged down because you're just considering the need to care for someone without actually attempting to find somebody.

I am willing. I know a few people that I would be interested in, but most of them are already dating another. There is one girl that I would date, if it weren't for the psycho mother. But I can understand the mother's Point-of-view. She is very old-skool. She moved to the U.S. from Trinidad and didn't ahve a wonderful child hood. So she is super protective of her baby girl. Even if it is a funny way of expression.

Katrascythe
2009-06-09, 11:52 PM
I am willing. I know a few people that I would be interested in, but most of them are already dating another. There is one girl that I would date, if it weren't for the psycho mother. But I can understand the mother's Point-of-view. She is very old-skool. She moved to the U.S. from Trinidad and didn't ahve a wonderful child hood. So she is super protective of her baby girl. Even if it is a funny way of expression.

I know exactly how you feel. Although I was in the exact opposite position all through high school. I'm not entirely sure that it was just my mother, but all the guys really liked her but at the same time were terrified that she would consume their souls if ever I were to go out with any of them.

The mothers will loosen up a bit, especially when the baby girls leave home to go to college. Then mothers don't always have a choice. Although you gotta just deal with those parents for now. They aren't always as bad as you think, you just have to prove that you're not a psycho to them. Yeah, it's hard, I know... >_>

DrizztFan24
2009-06-09, 11:59 PM
The mothers will loosen up a bit, especially when the baby girls leave home to go to college. Then mothers don't always have a choice. Although you gotta just deal with those parents for now. They aren't always as bad as you think, you just have to prove that you're not a psycho to them. Yeah, it's hard, I know... >_>

Two problems. The college is about 2 miles from her house. So she is living at home while attending school. AND I have been told that I am the boy on the good list. The daughter is the one on the bad list. So its not my fault. Some how everything she does is wrong and she is constantly grounded for ratehr extended periods of time.

Coidzor
2009-06-10, 12:27 AM
Hmm, have you tried going to her to ask for special dispensation to take her daughter out of the cave?

V: That too... *shrug*

...I guess it'd get confirmation that she's just being vexing at the very least.

Pyrian
2009-06-10, 12:29 AM
...I have known teenage girls to claim they were grounded when they just didn't feel like going out... :smallcool:

Zeb The Troll
2009-06-10, 12:37 AM
I've come to realize (and this is in general, not situation specific) there will be times I'm insecure and times when I don't trust him as much as I normally do or he feels I should. It won't be most of the time or even that frequent and will get more and more infrequent- but it will be there. It's part of having been hurt, and it's something I'm dealing with. If I have an actual problem I will mention it but otherwise, it's between me and my brain.

I'm going to do my best to explain this to him and hopefully he'll understands it's kinda like when I'm PMSy- not a refection on him so much as my state of mind at the moment.I can only speak for myself, of course, but were I in his shoes, this type of conversation would be helpful to me. Something along the lines of
Hey, listen. I just want you to know that sometimes I get insecure, and I know that I do, and I might even get a little crazy about it when I do. When I do, just bare with me for a bit while I work it out and keep being the normal, supportive person you are and it will pass. Okay?would go miles with me and I'm guessing it would with him too.

Thrawn183
2009-06-10, 12:49 AM
Oh, how oftfen do I find myself agreeing with Zeb.

I 100% truly believe in honesty in a relationship. In particular, if you can give some kind of heads up prior, that will make a huge difference. Even something like, "Hey, this is causing me bit of a problem, just give me a day or so" will do wonders for Mr. bf. He'll understand what's an appropriate topic. He'll understand that you're not pissed at him. And he'll understand your feelings better.

I say this because for a significant period of time, I was involved with a woman who was switching between birth control methods, each time messing with her schedule, yet she expected me to somehow telepathically know when she was in a particularly sensitive mood. I mean, I'm willing to work with what's given to me, I just need some guidance when the manual can change on a weekly basis. I figure that can apply to most men.

Coidzor
2009-06-10, 01:13 AM
Oh, how oftfen do I find myself agreeing with Zeb.

I 100% truly believe in honesty in a relationship. In particular, if you can give some kind of heads up prior, that will make a huge difference. Even something like, "Hey, this is causing me bit of a problem, just give me a day or so" will do wonders for Mr. bf. He'll understand what's an appropriate topic. He'll understand that you're not pissed at him. And he'll understand your feelings better.

Well, the man does have experience under his belt. He's been married for how long? And to someone who he met and wooed over the net? Takes some luck and skill there, yo. ... I'm still not sure how they've managed to have grandchildren though.... [Disclaimer: may or may not have anywhere near an accurate view of what went down.]

Hell, my relationship with my most recent ex only managed to last as long as it did due to the fact that we filled in one another on what was going on with us and knew we couldn't expect the other to know why we were acting pissy.

Zeb The Troll
2009-06-10, 01:24 AM
Well, the man does have experience under his belt. He's been married for how long? And to someone who he met and wooed over the net? Takes some luck and skill there, yo. ... I'm still not sure how they've managed to have grandchildren though.... [Disclaimer: may or may not have anywhere near an accurate view of what went down.]We've been married just shy of a year now (July 5th is our anniversary). While I became aware of her existence here in The Playground, we "met" at the first Johnson City meetup and we dated somewhat normally, though sort of not quite long distance (a mere 200 miles apart, close enough to visit each other often), for several months before moving in together and then deciding to wed. However, I'm 37 years old and have been in more than a couple relationships. So, yes, I've got some experience. :smallcool:

My grandson is the son of my 20 year old daughter from my first marriage, which ended poorly in 1989.

Syka
2009-06-10, 10:21 AM
Thanks for the input. I don't know why it took me so long to think of doing that, since I do the same thing whenever I know I'm PMSing. "If I act weird and irritated, it's nothing you've actually done, trust me." is the warning he gets. :smallsigh: I'm dense sometimes. I guess that, unlike the PMS (which I've been dealing with, well, since I first began my period), I was hoping it was something that would actually go away.

Conversation ahoy, sometime after he gets off work and before the bbq tonight.

Katrascythe
2009-06-10, 10:30 AM
Good luck with that convo, Syka! I hope it goes well :D -hugs-

rankrath
2009-06-10, 12:51 PM
To cut a long-ish story short, I just told a guy who liked me quite a bit that I couldn't return his affection, and he got rather weepy and mad at me, and I kind of feel like I did something wrong. Did I?

Zeful
2009-06-10, 01:17 PM
To cut a long-ish story short, I just told a guy who liked me quite a bit that I couldn't return his affection, and he got rather weepy and mad at me, and I kind of feel like I did something wrong. Did I?

Short answer: No
Long Answer: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooo

Mr. Mud
2009-06-10, 01:19 PM
To cut a long-ish story short, I just told a guy who liked me quite a bit that I couldn't return his affection, and he got rather weepy and mad at me, and I kind of feel like I did something wrong. Did I?

Not at all... Just be considerate, which I'm sure you were, but be honest. You did the right thing :smallbiggrin:.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-10, 02:33 PM
To cut a long-ish story short, I just told a guy who liked me quite a bit that I couldn't return his affection, and he got rather weepy and mad at me, and I kind of feel like I did something wrong. Did I?

you only did something wrong if you:
a) lead them on
b) let them down in a not-so-gentle manner

but assuming you did neither? NO.

but from the sounds of it, if he got weepy just at being turned down then i doubt hes too stable, so i wouldnt worry about his 'anger'

Quincunx
2009-06-10, 02:34 PM
Short answer: No
Long Answer: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooo

I like this. Can I re-use it?

rankrath
2009-06-10, 03:22 PM
Thanks guys, I feel better now. Though still a little depressed. Hurting decent people ain't fun.

Thrawn183
2009-06-10, 03:36 PM
Well, too late, but I'm going to jump on this one too!

Did you:
Run away screaming?
Kick him?
Tell him you thought a tarantula was crawling down his throat?
Say that instead you'd love his opinion on guys you actually are attracted to?

rankrath
2009-06-10, 03:48 PM
Well, too late, but I'm going to jump on this one too!

Did you:
Run away screaming?
Kick him?
Tell him you thought a tarantula was crawling down his throat?
Say that instead you'd love his opinion on guys you actually are attracted to?

none of the above...?

didn't really sound like tarantula's. more wombat-ish

Zeful
2009-06-10, 04:46 PM
I like this. Can I re-use it?

Sure, go ahead, I got it from a Zero Punctuation review myself, but it applies.


none of the above...?

didn't really sound like tarantula's. more wombat-ish
Then you've done nothing wrong, the guy just got emotional.

Syka
2009-06-10, 09:04 PM
To say it went well is understatement. His response was "Deedee you are stoopid!" while grinning, which is a variation on his PMS joke of "my widdle emo girl". But yeah, putting it in those terms seemed to help.

We managed to hit another big relationship convo tonight, that of kids. I'm beginning to think I actually have good reason to never have biological children (sleep deprivation triggered epilepsy, among a myriad of other medical issues) if I'm even able to. He semi-wants kids, as a "way down the line" sort of deal, and I brought up that I'm not sure for reasons other than being horribly awkward and overprotective of young children. He's totally cool with that since he's not entirely sure.

Now to convince that little maternal part of me that's managed to kick in over the last 2 years. Finding a good mate triggered it and it keeps getting stronger despite my Rational Brain's intense resistance.

Moonshadow
2009-06-10, 10:32 PM
So, whats the deal with plotting revenge on an ex. Yay or nay?

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-10, 10:50 PM
So, whats the deal with plotting revenge on an ex. Yay or nay?

DEFINATE nay. Give yourself time and you'll get over it

RabbitHoleLost
2009-06-10, 11:31 PM
I'm such an idiot.

I was so fine before him. I was happy.
Even so, I let him in. I dropped a perfectly fine relationship for him.
I'd never been so vulnerable.

And now I see what vulnerability gets me.

Pyrian
2009-06-10, 11:33 PM
So, whats the deal with plotting revenge on an ex. Yay or nay?The best revenge is forgetting about the person and living well and happily without them.

Mr. Mud
2009-06-10, 11:34 PM
I'm such an idiot.

I was so fine before him. I was happy.
Even so, I let him in. I dropped a perfectly fine relationship for him.
I'd never been so vulnerable.

And now I see what vulnerability gets me.

Awh. RHL. :smallfrown:. *hugs*, I know how you feel...

Zeb The Troll
2009-06-10, 11:41 PM
We managed to hit another big relationship convo tonight, that of kids. I'm beginning to think I actually have good reason to never have biological children (sleep deprivation triggered epilepsy, among a myriad of other medical issues) if I'm even able to. He semi-wants kids, as a "way down the line" sort of deal, and I brought up that I'm not sure for reasons other than being horribly awkward and overprotective of young children. He's totally cool with that since he's not entirely sure.

Now to convince that little maternal part of me that's managed to kick in over the last 2 years. Finding a good mate triggered it and it keeps getting stronger despite my Rational Brain's intense resistance.Just remember to never say "never". I've recently been involved in a couple of conversations about when people have children and was startled to realize that a great many people don't start to try until their late 20's. By that time, you may have figured out whatever it is that you need to overcome to be able to feel comfortable about having one or two of your own. Or you may not, and that's fine too. In the mean time, it's perfectly reasonable, even responsible, to say "No. Now is not a good time. I'm not ready yet. I don't know if I ever will be. I may not ever want kids." Or whatever. Don't ever be coerced into doing it. Just keep an open mind about it, especially if it's something your future SO (whether it's Oz or not) might consider wanting in the future. But make sure that the person with whom you settle down is on the same page. I've seen a lot of relationships tumble over that discussion.

To be clear, I'm not in any way trying to say "Oh, you're just saying that now. You will someday, you'll see!" I'm saying that, unless you're deathly afraid of children or for some reason don't like them, then don't be afraid to entertain the possibility of it some time down the line.


I'm such an idiot.

I was so fine before him. I was happy.
Even so, I let him in. I dropped a perfectly fine relationship for him.
I'd never been so vulnerable.

And now I see what vulnerability gets me.I'm not sure what you're talking about, here, but I'm told I have a very comfortable shoulder should you need to borrow one.

*puts protective arm around*

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-11, 12:44 AM
I'm such an idiot.

I was so fine before him. I was happy.
Even so, I let him in. I dropped a perfectly fine relationship for him.
I'd never been so vulnerable.

And now I see what vulnerability gets me.

"perfectly fine" doesn't exactly sound exciting - not in the dramatic exciting sense, but more in a way that you only know when you're in love and all a person has to do is say hello and it makes your whole world light up

sometimes its better to be alone than to stick at something that isn't anything more than "fine"

give it time

RabbitHoleLost
2009-06-11, 12:46 AM
sometimes its better to be alone than to stick at something that isn't anything more than "fine"

And this is why he left me.
It was the most brokenly beautiful thing to me.

And it was just okay for him.
I'm not being very descriptive or anything, I know. I'll have something big and explanation-y soon, I promise.

Rutskarn
2009-06-11, 12:55 AM
See, multivariable relationship calculus like this is why I'm a friggin' lone wolf.

...well, okay, no it's not. But still.

Anyway, for whatever they're worth, you've any five cliches that will seem from your perspective to be entirely pointless--and my sincere, unpretentious, personal condolences.

Pyrian
2009-06-11, 01:08 AM
*hugs* for RHL. :smallfrown:

Coidzor
2009-06-11, 10:36 AM
Now to convince that little maternal part of me that's managed to kick in over the last 2 years. Finding a good mate triggered it and it keeps getting stronger despite my Rational Brain's intense resistance.

Funny how biology goes, eh? I advise meh-ness to that whole poisoning yourself against something which isn't even going to be applicable for several more years. Who knows, you might give yourself a complex that gives you problems if you ever do change your mind. *big shrug, the kind of shrug where the lower arms are raised up to the heavens as a sort of appeal to the skies/gods/rain, gesticulate a bit at the clouds before being lowered*

RHL: Well, I'm sorry you took a big gamble by cashing in your chips with another and got burned by the new dealer. Several cliches later, and it's still true that it's not fun or very edifying for the human spirit. Hope you bounce back soon, but maybe there's something to be learned in all of this. I don't really know due to various factors being outside of my world.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-11, 10:47 AM
See, multivariable relationship calculus like this is why I'm a friggin' lone wolf.


once you experiance real, passionate, exciting, unexplainable love, settling for anything less just doesn't seem acceptable - "settling for second best" just ain't an option for me, not in the long run

Thrawn183
2009-06-11, 12:39 PM
Man you're greedy :smallwink:

Zeful
2009-06-11, 01:23 PM
Man you're greedy :smallwink:

How? I've been alone for the past 10 years and I wouldn't settle for second best.

Coidzor
2009-06-11, 02:11 PM
Well, there is the possibility that the individual in question is taking RHL as one of those types who mistakes passing temptation for something else and fixates upon it to the point where they must go after the source of temptation, building it up into something more than it is, and then being inevitably disappointed when they find out that it is what it is and not what they thought.

RabbitHoleLost
2009-06-11, 02:18 PM
Here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=6149978&postcount=1420) is the original post I made about my now-ex.
Later on, I showed up to say that he did agree that I liked him more, but that he was willing to try to catch up.

Last night, he said he wasn't sure if it was the right thing. That, sometimes, he did like me, and other times, it was more of an 'eh' feeling. He said it wasn't fair to me to keep the relationship going, and I encouraged him. I'd rather have my heartbroken than keep on in a fake relationship.
That doesn't make me feel any better.
So, anyways, he texted me today and said he'd really like to see me, I told him yes, but I'm having second thoughts. If its a whole "we can still be friends" spiel, I don't want to see him. However, if perhaps he's changed his mind...I don't know.
I just don't know.

Ganurath
2009-06-11, 02:27 PM
Here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=6149978&postcount=1420) is the original post I made about my now-ex.
Later on, I showed up to say that he did agree that I liked him more, but that he was willing to try to catch up.After reviewing the post, I'm going to rearrange and cut a bit to communicate my point of view.
So, anyways, he texted me today and said he'd really like to see me,
Last night, he said he wasn't sure if it was the right thing. That, sometimes, he did like me,
and other times, it was more of an 'eh' feeling.Not really trying to be callous, but the voice in the back of my head is waving a whole bunch of red flags and screaming at the top of its thirteen lungs.

Pyrian
2009-06-11, 02:37 PM
So, anyways, he texted me today and said he'd really like to see me, I told him yes, but I'm having second thoughts. If its a whole "we can still be friends" spiel, I don't want to see him. However, if perhaps he's changed his mind...I don't know.
I just don't know.Text him back and ask him.

RabbitHoleLost
2009-06-11, 02:40 PM
The thing is, when we broke up last night, I promised him we could still talk and hang out and stuff.
I just didn't think he'd take it up so damned quickly.

xPANCAKEx
2009-06-11, 03:31 PM
The thing is, when we broke up last night, I promised him we could still talk and hang out and stuff.
I just didn't think he'd take it up so damned quickly.

nothing wrong with saying "if its JUST a friendly hang out, then in all honesty, im gunna need more time"

if he gets uppity about it, then tell him hes anot a very good friend and hang up

Trog
2009-06-11, 03:51 PM
I'm really not one for giving relationship advice because I don't really know what I'm doing, I just sort of go with my gut. But I kind of know people. And I know people rarely change their core behaviors, try as sincerely as they might. One of the best pieces of advice I have for anyone when it comes to people is this:

Past performance is the best indicator of future performance.

This holds true in nearly every area of life from someone's work performance to relationships. If you don't believe me test this out for the next five years on people you know and see often. Family, friends, coworkers, lovers... it works for everyone. Got a friend that usually runs 15 minutes late? They are probably going to be that way for the rest of their lives. Got a significant other who doesn't respect you? They probably aren't going to do so in a decade's time either.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make here is when you are unsure about a relationship be sure to give it a good once over with the above concept in mind and then ask yourself "Is this what I deserve? Am I okay with this staying this way indefinitely?"

Mainly you need to do this to shake yourself out of the notion that the other person is going to change and become more like what you want them to be like. Deep down, 99% of the time the person will not change their core personality. And probably 100% of the time you will not be the one changing them if they do happen to change their core personality traits.

And this applies to you too, dear reader. And to me as well. As much as we think we will, and do, change... deep down, regarding the core behaviors of our personalities... we hardly ever do. Especially if you look at things in a long term perspective. So what this means is if you are unsatisfied with something now, chances are you will be unsatisfied with the same sort of thing 10 years from now too.

Not saying you shouldn't ever try to "make it work" with your significant other. That skill is needed to survive any long term relationship. Though largely this is just another way of saying that you are coming to terms with the other person, yourself, and how you two relate to one another. Coming to terms with the fact that past performance and future performance are likely to remain very similar.

Anyway, that's all the advice I have... or am ever likely to have. But I think I am okay with that.