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H. Zee
2009-06-06, 01:51 PM
Everyone's had this. You're speaking to someone, anyone, and the conversation comes to a point where a pun would be singularly appropriate. And you know it's not clever. You know it's not funny. And yet you have to say it, because it gives you such a damn sense of achievement.

This is the thread where Playgrounders boast about the best puns they've made in such a situation, or even just post a particularly clever (I hesitate to say "funny") pun which they've found on the Internet.

My personal best is the following:

Me: "I think we hit a natural low point with the Malteser (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maltesers) Incident (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NoodleIncident)and the only way to go from there is up."
My girlfriend: "Heh, the 'Malteser Incident' makes it sound like some sort of huge disaster. Hundreds dead, millions of pounds damage to property..."
Me: "The worst confectionery disaster since the Kit-Katastrophe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kit_kat)."
My girlfriend: o.o
Me: "Come on, it could've been worse. I could've said the 'Credit (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Credit_crunch)Crunchie (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crunchie).'"

So. Let the pun-ishment begin.

:smalltongue:

(Disclaimer: Cultural references which may or may not be exclusive to the UK linked for American convenience)

Mando Knight
2009-06-06, 01:53 PM
Kit-Kat bars are (or at least were, haven't seen 'em for a while) sold in the US... and now that you've mentioned them, I've got the jingle in my head.

H. Zee
2009-06-06, 01:58 PM
Kit-Kat bars are (or at least were, haven't seen 'em for a while) sold in the US... and now that you've mentioned them, I've got the jingle in my head.

No pun?

Get thee to a punnery!

Yes, it's going to be this sort of thread. :smalltongue: And I have distressingly little knowledge of American confectionery, so I thought I'd play it safe.

Alteran
2009-06-06, 02:03 PM
"What do you say when someone hits you over the head with an amulet?"

"I don't know, what?"

"BROUCH!"
You know, brooch?
This has become an inside joke among my group of friends. There is one of us who finds this particularly hilarious (the one who made it). Whenever he doesn't think a joke is funny, we just say brouch.

Zocelot
2009-06-06, 03:45 PM
I was in line at a buffet and I was making small talk with one of my friends when a piece of bread fell of my plate. I announced "My bread just fell off my plate", then a few seconds later added "Well, I guess that makes sense. It was a roll".

Starscream
2009-06-06, 04:05 PM
Why did the barbarian pick up Roger Ebert and use him as a club?
He wanted more critical hits.

**dodges tomatoes**

Djinn_in_Tonic
2009-06-06, 04:18 PM
Ah...how something so stupid as a "Your Mom" joke leads to Epic Puns:

Me: "It was bizarre..."
My Friend: "Well, your mom is bizarre."
My Other Friend: "You face is bizarre."
Me: "Yeah? Well your open-air market is bazaar."

Also, for all you philosophically minded folks out there...

My friend: "I just don't understand Kant's philosophy. I think I need Immanual."

...A manual. Get it? Sorry, but that one sometimes requires explanation if typed out...

Totally Guy
2009-06-06, 06:43 PM
Me: Oh yeah I know about Birds, I'm an ORTHINologist.
Them: Orthinologist? You mean ORNITHologist.
Me: Yeah, you know what I meant, I'm a WORD BOTCHER.
:smallbiggrin:

Dogmantra
2009-06-06, 06:55 PM
Me: Oh yeah I know about Birds, I'm an ORTHINologist.
Them: Orthinologist? You mean ORNITHologist.
Me: Yeah, you know what I meant, I'm a WORD BOTCHER.
:smallbiggrin:

I AM STEALING THIS.
I am stealing it so hard

darkblust
2009-06-06, 07:14 PM
Friend 1:You suck

Friend 2:You blow

Friend 1:You inhale

Friend 2:You EX-hale

Friend 1:At least i don't think it's funny when people cry at funerals.

Friend 2:Atleast I don't EX-haaallle?Wait,does'nt everyone laugh when when people cry at funerals?

Verruckt
2009-06-06, 07:32 PM
My friend: "I just don't understand Kant's philosophy. I think I need Immanual."

...A manual. Get it? Sorry, but that one sometimes requires explanation if typed out...

Kant stop the music.

So I was walking down the street the other day and I bumped into, of all people, Rene Descartes. I was like "Dude, Descartes, thanks for you know, helping kick off the Enlightenment and all that. Can I buy you a drink?" Then Descartes just looked at me and said "I think not." and he disappeared.

Okay the second one's only sort of a pun.

Dogmantra
2009-06-06, 07:39 PM
I actually used this one today, and I've just remembered:
There's a party, and it's a party of numbers and mathematical concepts.
All of them are there, pi was chatting up 2^n, and it was generally a good time, except for one infinitely small number standing in the corner. dy/dx sees this, goes over, and says "come on, integrate yourself into the party! It'll be fun!" to which the infinitely small number replies "why? it'll never make a difference!"

Two for the price of pun!

Yarram
2009-06-06, 07:54 PM
Get thee to a punnery!


You sick... Sad little thing. Though art the shocking oft puns.

Isn't that technically a conundrum rather than a pun though?

Zocelot
2009-06-06, 07:56 PM
I actually used this one today, and I've just remembered:
There's a party, and it's a party of numbers and mathematical concepts.
All of them are there, pi was chatting up 2^n, and it was generally a good time, except for one infinitely small number standing in the corner. dy/dx sees this, goes over, and says "come on, integrate yourself into the party! It'll be fun!" to which the infinitely small number replies "why? it'll never make a difference!"

Two for the price of pun!

Even among math jokes, that is one of the most horrible puns I have ever heard.

I'll start some "A _____ walks into a bar" jokes now. Also, highlight them for the punchlines.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender asks him if it bugs him at all, to which the pirate replies "Yarrr, it be driving me nuts!"

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender tells him "Sorry, but we don't serve mushrooms here. The mushroom replies "Why not? I'm a fun guy"

2 ropes walk into a bar. The first rope goes up to the counter and the bartender asks "Are you a rope?" to which the rope replies "Yes". The bartender then says "Sorry, but we don't serve ropes here". The first rope walks away disappointed. The other rope, determined to get a drink, ties itself up then takes a pair of scissors and snips it's ends. When it is done it goes up to the counter and the bartender asks "Are you a rope?" to which the rope replies "Nope, I'm a frayed not"

Bonus pun: This one really requires two people, and although I could type out two people's lines myself, I'd rather use another person. So, if anyone knows the joke, give the necessary response.

My dog has no nose.

Dogmantra
2009-06-06, 08:31 PM
How does he smell?

Alteran
2009-06-06, 08:35 PM
Terrible! Filler

Zocelot
2009-06-06, 08:39 PM
Thanks guys.

A drum set falls off of a cliff. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yl3UMO-TkE)

SDF
2009-06-06, 08:43 PM
*friend and I go to H00ters*
*waitress walks by*

Friend: Didn't she go to our high school?
Me: Wow, she didn't get very far.
Friend: Hey, that's not fair. I'm not in college and don't even have a job.
Me: No, I mean our high school is about four blocks down the road.
Friend: DX

truemane
2009-06-06, 08:49 PM
Wow, it's odd that I saw this now. I actually had such a moment this very morning whilst with my family dining at our favourite breakfast establishment.

My wife and I had both ordered the Eggs Benedict. For those of you unfamiliar with this semi-Divine meal, it involves Hollandaise Sauce. That's all you have to know. Hollandaise. Keep it in mind. My wife gets her with the Hollandaise on the side.

So the meals arrive and the waitress comes back in a minute or two and asks if everything's okay. Wife asks for ketchup, one kid for jam and the other kid for whipped cream (for his pancakes).

And I looked up, deadpan, and said, "You shouldn't put the Hollandaise Sauce in this bowl. It makes it taste funny. Could you go and get me a plate made of chrome?"

And she looks at me like I'm nuts and says that she doesn't have a chrome plate.

And I shake me head and look all upset. "Man, that's too bad," I said, "Because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

My family all groan and look at me like I'm an uncouth savage. Server looks at me and says, "Well, I don't have it, I'm sorry." She didn't get it. The single most perfect use of a pun I've ever had the goof fortune to be a part of, and she didn't get it.

True story. Sad story, but true story.

Yarram
2009-06-06, 09:23 PM
A man and a giraffe walked into a bar and brought a drink. The drinks were so good, that each of them had another, and then another, until there had been 21 drinks each! The man and the giraffe were absolutely smashed of course, so the barman came up to them and asked them to leave.
The man got up and started walking to the door, but when the giraffe got up, because his heads much higher where the air is thinner, it just fell flat on its face.
The barman said, "Hey! You can't leave that lying there!"
"It's not a lion it's a giraffe."

Arachu
2009-06-06, 09:24 PM
The only thing I can think of right now is when I was playing Left 4 Dead (1-player), and three team members were down while the last was being strangulated by a Smoker. I sat up in my chair, uttered "Is this the end for our heroes!?", and then realized that I was alone. Damn :smallannoyed:

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-06, 09:29 PM
So much going through my head, but it's the visual that's not escaping me...and I'm not sure if this would qualify under the topic of puns...since I used actions to play with someone's words.

A friend and I were at a diner one night, seated at a booth, and we had a rather attractive waitress taking our orders. He was spoken for, while I was experiencing another period of singleness. After my friend placed his order...

Me: Is there a time limit on what can be ordered and when?
Waitress: Nope. You can have anything on the menu.
Me: Anything?
Waitress: Anything.
Me: You sure?
Waitress: Absolutely, 100%.
Me: *placing the menu on the seat beside me* Please sit.

:smallbiggrin:

Aside from personal experience, many have heard the statistic that dentistry holds one of the highest suicide rates among professionals. What most don't know is why, when it should be plain to see that they're all down in the mouth.

:smallwink:

Since others have delved into philosphy...

René Descartes entered a French café, took a seat, and was immediately approached by a waiter, who said, "Ah, Monsieur Descartes. I know your usual, but perhaps you would like to hear today's specials?"

Descartes replied, "I think not," and promptly disappeared.

:smalltongue:

It only gets worse after that...I mean, who can forget, "I'm pink, therefore I'm spam"? :smallredface:

Dispozition
2009-06-06, 09:34 PM
My sig, second link. Be amazed at how awesome Death is :P

SDF
2009-06-06, 09:37 PM
Me: Is there a time limit on what can be ordered and when?
Waitress: Nope. You can have anything on the menu.
Me: Anything?
Waitress: Anything.
Me: You sure?
Waitress: Absolutely, 100%.
Me: *placing the menu on the seat beside me* Please sit.

Oh man, if I ever work up the nerve I'm going to try that on a waitress... That pickup line is made of pure heroism.

Dispozition
2009-06-06, 09:42 PM
Oh man, if I ever work up the nerve I'm going to try that on a waitress... That pickup line is made of pure heroism.

That...Is pure awesome.

Erloas
2009-06-06, 09:47 PM
Years ago my family was on a road trip and looking for someplace to eat. I said, "I think I see a McDonalds over there, but I could be mcstaken"

I just can't place any more right now

Starscream
2009-06-06, 09:50 PM
Waitress: Nope. You can have anything on the menu.
Me: Anything?
Waitress: Anything.

...

Descartes replied, "I think not," and promptly disappeared.

I like both of these, but I would have switched the order. The one about the famous philosopher should clearly precede the one about the attempt to procure a loose woman.

You don't want to go putting the whores before Descartes.

**Flees from torch and pitchfork wielding mob**

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-06, 10:26 PM
I like both of these, but I would have switched the order. The one about the famous philosopher should clearly precede the one about the attempt to procure a loose woman.

You don't want to go putting the whores before Descartes.

**Flees from torch and pitchfork wielding mob**
I could be wrong, but I think you just won the thread, if not an entire Internet! Congrats! :smallbiggrin:

golentan
2009-06-07, 12:26 AM
So my friend is working on physics. Specifically electricity.

Me: How's it going. Still static on the progress?
Him: I'm shocked you would say such a thing.
Me: Hey, don't get all negative on me, I just want to help.
Him: I am resistant to the idea.
Me: Come on, charge ahead, let's do this together.

It went on like that for a while, until he invoked a Van de Graaff generator.

Me: That sounds like you're studying philosophy.
Him: ... Are you giving up so soon? You never give up the pun contests...
Me: No, I just didn't know you had read any Volt-hair.

Cue boos, catcalls, and general insults on my character.

Shades of Gray
2009-06-07, 12:43 AM
Clear half an hour out of your schedule.

Read This. (http://metanet.2.forumer.com/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=437342)

Yes, that's 15-30 minutes of preparation for a pun. All of it is leading up to it.

Verruckt
2009-06-07, 01:27 AM
I like both of these, but I would have switched the order. The one about the famous philosopher should clearly precede the one about the attempt to procure a loose woman.

You don't want to go putting the whores before Descartes.

**Flees from torch and pitchfork wielding mob**

...

ye gods man

I think you ruined one of my keyboards, because now there's Dr. Pepper all over it:smallbiggrin:.

Virgo
2009-06-07, 01:35 AM
My dad and I were discussing a dinner he had:

Dad: ... And I had the halibut.
Me: Oh, was it grilled?
Dad: Well, at the last minute, the grill broke, so they actually baked it. I'm not normally a fan of baked halibut, but it was actually pretty good.
Me: Well, that's your answer right there; everyone knows that a bad halibut is hard to bake.

*bah-dum-cha*?

thubby
2009-06-07, 01:57 AM
in my philosophy class, the teacher was talking about contradiction. he used a few examples, and eventually used food (as all examples lead to) and said
"it is either bitter or it is sweet, it can't be both"

me from the back of the room "unless it's life"

KuReshtin
2009-06-07, 04:10 AM
Friend 1:You suck
Friend 2:You blow
Friend 1:You inhale
Friend 2:You EX-hale
Friend 1:At least i don't think it's funny when people cry at funerals.
Friend 2:Atleast I don't EX-haaallle?Wait,does'nt everyone laugh when when people cry at funerals?

In the same category, I found these on bash.org.


<Person 1> Hey, you know what sucks?
<Person 2> vaccuums
<Person 1> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<Person 2> black holes
<Person 1> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<Person 2> lava?


And my personal favourite:

<Donut[AFK]> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut[AFK]> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut[AFK]> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE F*CK UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut[AFK]> RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut[AFK]> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

Dogmantra
2009-06-07, 04:45 AM
Clear half an hour out of your schedule.

Read This. (http://metanet.2.forumer.com/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=437342)

Yes, that's 15-30 minutes of preparation for a pun. All of it is leading up to it.

It's a shame, because it relies on the American pronounciation of a word. It was still funny when I worked it out though.

Totally Guy
2009-06-07, 04:56 AM
Thanks guys.

A drum set falls off of a cliff. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yl3UMO-TkE)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eXj97stbG8

I've met these guys...

Zocelot
2009-06-07, 10:38 AM
I like both of these, but I would have switched the order. The one about the famous philosopher should clearly precede the one about the attempt to procure a loose woman.

You don't want to go putting the whores before Descartes.

**Flees from torch and pitchfork wielding mob**

This one is very good, but unfortunately you butchered it. The expression goes "Don't put the cart in front of the horse", while you had it the other way around.

I'm going to have to ask you to return the thread and the internet that you won.

Eon
2009-06-07, 10:48 AM
This one is very good, but unfortunately you butchered it. The expression goes "Don't put the cart in front of the horse", while you had it the other way around.

I'm going to have to ask you to return the thread and the internet that you won.

not if the horses are pushing... not likely but possible

Headless_Ninja
2009-06-07, 02:12 PM
I think the best punny pickup line I've ever heard is:
Would there be any resistance if I asked to take you Ohm?

Starscream
2009-06-07, 03:21 PM
Would there be any resistance if I asked to take you Ohm?

Oh man, that one is so bad it's actually good.

Zocelot
2009-06-08, 08:31 AM
Here are a set of math puns:

Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components.

Complex variables are fun until somebody loses an i.

CapedLuigiYoshi
2009-06-08, 09:24 AM
Here are a set of math puns:

Life is complex: it has both real and imaginary components.

Complex variables are fun until somebody loses an i.

i says to pi, "Be rational."
pi says to i, "Get real."

Penguinsushi
2009-06-08, 10:16 AM
Since we are on a gaming-related forum:

Me(GM): "you all see what appears to be the overgrown ruins of an ancient temple"
Player: "can we tell who it was a temple to?"
Me: "not at a glance - any such indication is covered by ivy, weeds, tree-limbs and other vegitation."
Llama: "oh, so it's a moss-que..."

Of course, we've come to expect this sort of thing from Llama. He once tried to declare the party's current location as their "base of operations"... ...to avoid a torrent of acid damage... ...because, you know, acids and bases...

:smallbiggrin:

~PS

Hzurr
2009-06-08, 11:30 AM
I feel like I had originally heard this somewhere else before I used it, but I can't remember where.

My fiancée and I were driving somewhere, and the topic of bio-diesel fuel came up.

My fiancée: It's just really weird, because there really isn't any good bio fuel out there, but people have been trying for a really long time
Me: Oh yeah. Even Mussolini promised bio-fuel back in the 30s and 40s
My fiancée: Really?
Me: Yep, one of his campaign promises was about getting things to run on herbs.
My fiancée: What?
Me: Yeah. He promised that he could make the trains run on thyme!


(unfortunately, she didn't get it, and just looked at me like I was an idiot)

unstattedCommoner
2009-06-08, 12:29 PM
I feel like I had originally heard this somewhere else before I used it, but I can't remember where.

My fiancée and I were driving somewhere, and the topic of bio-diesel fuel came up.

My fiancée: It's just really weird, because there really isn't any good bio fuel out there, but people have been trying for a really long time
Me: Oh yeah. Even Mussolini promised bio-fuel back in the 30s and 40s
My fiancée: Really?
Me: Yep, one of his campaign promises was about getting things to run on herbs.
My fiancée: What?
Me: Yeah. He promised that he could make the trains run on thyme!


(unfortunately, she didn't get it, and just looked at me like I was an idiot)

Or she did get it, and therefore looked at you like you were an idiot. :smalltongue:

Also, relevant XKCD:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/organic_fuel.png

LordSintax
2009-06-08, 12:55 PM
Old, but still good:

Atom 1 : "I just lost an electron!"

Atom 2 : "Are you sure?"

Atom 1 : "I'm positive"

Dogmantra
2009-06-08, 01:06 PM
Old, but still good:

Atom 1 : "I just lost an electron!"

Atom 2 : "Are you sure?"

Atom 1 : "I'm positive"

Following on from that:

Adam, the atom, is drowning his troubles at the local bar.
The bartender says "What's up, Adam?"
Adam replies with "I've got too many electrons..."
The bartender responds, saying "Don't be so negative!"

Ganurath
2009-06-08, 01:08 PM
Hey, what was Homer looking for in the mines?

Epic.

Ceric
2009-06-08, 07:37 PM
Please 'scuse the lousy Paint drawing. I can't take credit for this, I found it on our math classroom's whiteboard:
If someone doesn't offer check or cash, this pun thread creates vaccums :)
http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m53/nightmaj/PieAreSquared.png

Arachu
2009-06-08, 07:52 PM
That pie squares me.

(Gah! Ouch! Stop throwing things at- OUCH! Was that a bottle!?)

Szilard
2009-06-08, 08:14 PM
Clear half an hour out of your schedule.

Read This. (http://metanet.2.forumer.com/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=437342)

Yes, that's 15-30 minutes of preparation for a pun. All of it is leading up to it.

I was going to post that, but yeah, it's the best waste of your time ever.

Hzurr
2009-06-09, 11:57 AM
Or she did get it, and therefore looked at you like you were an idiot. :smalltongue:

Also, relevant XKCD:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/organic_fuel.png


That's where I heard of it. Thanks, that was driving me crazy, because I knew it was from somewhere, but I couldn't remember where.

KataraAltinaII
2009-06-09, 12:13 PM
Clear half an hour out of your schedule.

Read This. (http://metanet.2.forumer.com/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=437342)

Yes, that's 15-30 minutes of preparation for a pun. All of it is leading up to it.

wow.
That one was epic win.
Only because of the godly length, if nothing else. :smalltongue:

golentan
2009-06-09, 12:43 PM
Clear half an hour out of your schedule.

Read This. (http://metanet.2.forumer.com/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=437342)

Yes, that's 15-30 minutes of preparation for a pun. All of it is leading up to it.

Shaggy dog stories are a classic form. The idea being to take a pun and just keep stretching it, and stretching it, throwing in more and more and see how long you can drag it without stuttering or someone cutting you off with the punchline. I can give you some others of the genre I've heard, though none are quite as... lengthy.

unstattedCommoner
2009-06-09, 01:30 PM
The university's resident Actiniaria expert was not a popular man. He had many anemones in his department.

Tiri'Anor
2009-06-09, 02:54 PM
One group of friends I had way back in high school was really into stupid puns and all that. Some of my favorites (some a little lengthy, yeah.):

An old couple owns a small neighborhood flower shop. Business is alright until one day a group of monks (not the ones who can do super-backflips and break planets with their hands) set up a flower shop right down the street from the old couple. Many of the couple's customers gave their business to the monks because the flowers were cheaper and the proceeds went straight to the church. The old couple got tired of this and went to the rival flower shop to complain, but the monks refused to change their ways. After asking the church with a similar result, the couple was getting fed up. The old man went into town one day and wandered into a run-down biker bar looking for some help. He asked the bartender if he knew anybody who would be willing to help, and the bartender gave him a phone number for a tough and menacing thug named Hugh. The old man called Hugh, explained the problem, and agreed on a payment. That night, the monks' store was broken into, ransacked, and left in sad shape as all the inventory was destroyed. Hugh confronted the monks and told them in no uncertain terms that they were to pack up shop and leave or they were gonna get it again. The monks immediately complied, proving once and for all that:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Two eskimos are sitting in a canoe. One gets cold, and starts a fire. The boat sinks and both men die, proving once and for all that:
You can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A woman finds a way of manipulating technology to biologically replicate herself. Unfortunately, as part of this process, her duplicate has a dirty mouth and swears constantly. The woman tries to hide all the evidence, but to no avail. Her duplicate starts to cause problems, answering phones and talking to door-to-door salesmen. The lady is at a complete loss and has no idea what to do. Finally, she leads her biological double up to the roof of an apartment building and shoves her off. A short time later she is arrested for:
Making an obscene clone fall.

Gandhi was a very peaceful man said to have supernatural powers. He disliked wearing shoes and strode barefoot wherever he traveled. Due to his age, he was of delicate constitution and had to take frequent rests. He was a great spiritual leader and was revered by the people for his abilities. Unfortunately, his diet led him to constantly have very bad breath. Some say that Gandhi was a (brace yourself):
Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

A newspaper is holding a pun contest. One particularly devious punster submits several entries to the paper, and when the day comes to announce the winners, he eagerly scans the paper at breakfast. His wife comes in and asks him if he has won. The man replies sadly:
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A couple has twin boys, named Amal and Juan. They put up the boys for adoption, and they are adopted by families on separate sides of the earth. One day, the parents get a letter in the mail from Juan. It describes his life and how happy he is. The letter includes a large picture of the boy smiling, which the mother immediately frames. Later on, while she is looking at the picture, she remarks to her husband that she would like a picture of the other son. Her husband replies that they are twins, and:
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.

There is a painter who likes to save a little money by adding water to his paint to make it last longer. He is commissioned by the church to paint the new building that they have. While the man is on a tall ladder about to work on the steeple, the skies turn dark and there is a flash of lightning and a loud clap of thunder. The man falls off the ladder in fright, and as he is laying on his back it begins to rain, washing off the several hours of work he has done on the building. The man sees it as a sign of sorts, and cries out to the heavens asking for forgiveness. A loud voice booms from above:
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

I think that's enough for right now.

I apologize for any headaches or facepalming.

Szilard
2009-06-09, 06:23 PM
I once entered a pun contest at our school. I entered in ten puns. I hoped at least one would win. No pun in ten did.

...

:smalltongue:

Helanna
2009-06-09, 09:40 PM
http://xkcd.com/594/

. . . yeah. I have nothing more to add to that.

Mauve Shirt
2009-06-09, 09:46 PM
Damn, Death Dragon beat me to it. :smalltongue:

V'icternus
2009-06-09, 09:59 PM
I once entered a pun contest at our school. I entered in ten puns. I hoped at least one would win. No pun in ten did.

...

:smalltongue:

I'm either about to roll my eyes into my skull or laugh my guts onto the floor... I'll tell you which when it happens.

...

...

...

Both, both!

Em Blackleaf
2009-06-10, 01:45 AM
Clear half an hour out of your schedule.

Read This. (http://metanet.2.forumer.com/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=437342)

Yes, that's 15-30 minutes of preparation for a pun. All of it is leading up to it.
I think that's the most moving story I've ever read.

Yarram
2009-06-10, 04:39 AM
Clear half an hour out of your schedule.

Read This. (http://metanet.2.forumer.com/index.php?act=Attach&type=post&id=437342)

Yes, that's 15-30 minutes of preparation for a pun. All of it is leading up to it.

Wow... All that effort for about 3 seconds of laughter.

Epic.

unstattedCommoner
2009-06-10, 12:00 PM
"Of all the hideously disfiguring spectacles I have ever beheld, those perched on the end of this creature's nose remain forever pasted into my memory."
- Stephen Fry, The Letter (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKdGwfMD8u8)

Fredthefighter
2009-06-10, 12:03 PM
"Of all the hideously disfiguring spectacles I have ever beheld, those perched on the end of this creature's nose remain forever pasted into my memory."
- Stephen Fry, The Letter (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKdGwfMD8u8)

Stephen Fry deserves to ascend into demi-godhood. :smallbiggrin:

Dogmantra
2009-06-10, 02:25 PM
Today, I described myself as being "as depressed as the 1930s".

Oh come on! You laughed!

Cristo Meyers
2009-06-10, 02:28 PM
Today, I described myself as being "as depressed as the 1930s".

Oh come on! You laughed!

Resisting the urge to channel Statler and Waldorf right now...

...mostly because my heckling isn't nearly as clever...

DigoDragon
2009-06-11, 07:59 AM
Hahaha, I love puns.

I've been working to start up a Shadowrun game with my local gaming group and none of them could really decide on what kind of characters to write up. Two of them wanted to play shamans, but they weren't sure if two spell casters would work in a small group. One wrote up his character, but the other was still on the fence about it.

I told him,
"Don't worry, there's no Shaman having two spell casters in the group!"

Supagoof
2009-06-11, 09:56 AM
*snip*The single most perfect use of a pun I've ever had the goof fortune to be a part of, and she didn't get it.

True story. Sad story, but true story.
Hey - don't you go dragging me down with your puns! :smalltongue:

Cyrion
2009-06-11, 12:06 PM
Some of my favorites require some field specific knowledge-

What's a Quark Bar? The only candy bar with flavor and charm.

What's purple and commutes? An abelian grape. (Abelian is a term used for mathmatical groups to which the commutative property applies.)

And this one from an afternoon run with a couple of vet students:
"If I had a parrot, I'd name him Kane."

Why?"

Because then he'd be Psittacine Kane, wouldn't he?" (Parrots belong to the family Psittacidae.)

MissK
2009-06-11, 04:12 PM
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2219995647

You can thank me later.

KerfuffleMach2
2009-06-11, 10:24 PM
Holy crap, Tiri'Anor. Those were great.

Only one I can think of off hand happened at work. Part of my job includes installing hitches on vehicles. Some vehicles, I have to drill some holes into the frame first. And, usually, I have to clean out the hole a little with a special drill bit called a reamer.

So, in the early days of me learning how to do hitches, my boss was explaining the reamer to me, and how I have to be careful with it, cause it can snap my wrist if I'm not careful. Then he said that doesn't mean I should be overly careful with it, and take forever to use it. So, I looked at him and said, "So, don't fear the reamer?"