Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

[LonelyTower]

@Bor: About Mr. Tower... I feel bad now. Tower, my apologies. I just have no real advice, save sympathies and hugs, if you wish them. :smallfrown: As for myself, dammit Bor, stop giving me praise, I haven't earned it yet. :smallannoyed: Once you have Nike back, I may have earned one internet cookie.

No problem, arguskos. I sincerely means this - we don't always meet our own expectations when it comes to being kind and helpful to others. Hell, there are times I see other people in emotional pain and I just don't have an idea of what to say.

[Jacklu]

I have no idea why I am up this early on one of the few days I can sleep in till nine and still get to school on time. >.< But while I was up, I decided to stop in and say that you guys all rock out loud.

:smallcool:

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Lonelytower: I'm happy to hear that you are going to a professional of some kind. I have the exact oposite promblem as you. I start a million little projects and can't ever seem to finish any of them. It's disheartening because it means that I fail at a million little things from day to day. Would you mind trading half your brain for half of mine? That way they would equal each other out and we would be left with two functional adults. =P As for uplifting shows to watch, might I suggest Toppa Tengen Gurren Lagann? That show never fails to lift mah spirits with its epic manliness and kickass sunglasses. :smallcool:

[LonelyTower]

Lonelytower: I'm happy to hear that you are going to a professional of some kind. I have the exact oposite promblem as you. I start a million little projects and can't ever seem to finish any of them. It's disheartening because it means that I fail at a million little things from day to day.


I think I have the exact same problem. The only reason why I could manage to finish those freelances is because 'there's a gun at my head'. I need the money, I took the money and I feel obliged to do a good work. My personal projects are all stuck in the mud. Unless someone fund me, I guess.

[Neko Toast]

*takes a deep sigh* Well, I went to therapy today, and felt worse than when I came in. I guess I brought that upon myself. My good mood was because I was keeping my mind off of the whole roommate problem. I had called my friend the night before, and he gave me some advice and some reassurance. But then the topic came up in therapy.

I've realized something. It's not the fact that I have to find a new roommate that's bugging me. The call to my friend has helped that problem. What I feel is... I can't think of a right word. But, my roommate didn't consider my feelings when she made this decision. She doesn't understand that I'm not like her, that I can't make friends so easily, and I can't comfortably live with someone I barely know. I do the recycling, I take out the trash, I've bought her Mountain Dew when I've gotten maybe one or two cans out of it, and I do her laundry. What have I gotten in return? Isn't that the question of the day.

I suppose that the word I'm looking for is "unappreciated".

[Jacklu]

=/ I can understand that feeling all too well, Draco. *hugs tight*

[Headless_Ninja]

It's been a while since I posted here. I just wanted to say that I really, really miss my friend Sarah, who was hit by a bus and killed a year ago today. It's so weird being at uni and knowing she's not had the chance to go, especially seeing as she was pretty much a shoe-in for Oxbridge. It's just hard to accept that another human being, a caring person, and most of all a friend is actually gone for good. As in, irreversibly gone. I was probably too young to really understand what happened when my nan died, and I've never got used to the idea of someone being whisked away like that. Especially someone with so much potential as Sarah.

Wow, that was much more than I intended to write. I'll let you get back to actual important, solvable problems now.

[Jacklu]

*hugs headless*

That... really sucks. Loosing somebody your age is so indescribably difficult, and there is nothing wrong about missing her. I would be worried if you said you didn't. And it is far from unimportant. *hugs again* If you need or want to talk to somebody, my PM pox is open, kay?

[Silence]

Ugh..... So, a girl I was in love with and just broke up with me (don't feel like writing the whole epic saga) just had some crazy crap happen to her. I still care about her like a sister, and I'm really worried about her.

The story involves something slightly dirty. It's not obscene, but it does acknowledge the existence of sex. I'll put it in spoilers.

So, a year and a half ago, at the end of her sophomore year of high school, she was raped by this guy named Coltin.

But wait, it gets better!

She eventually forgave him, and about a month ago, he raped her again.

But wait, it gets better!

She's pregnant.

But wait, it gets better!

One of those smooth talking sweet guys that we all know just proposed to her. And she might say yes. She's a senior in high school. And I think we all know where that sort of thing is going.

Not to mention that I've got five other women on my mind, only three of them involving a romantic relationship.


Uuuuuuggggghhhhhhhh....

[Winthur]

*looks at Silence story*

:smalleek: :smalleek: :smalleek:

*enjoys... [glasses] the Silence.*

Crap, that's... just... Awwwrgh. I have nothing to say but drink another cup of tea. :smalleek: Works almost like alcohol if you put enough sugar. :smalltongue: (Just kidding, it's not like I know.)

@Headless_Ninja: *hug*. My English grammar sucks so... *bear hug*. Mighty one.

Meanwhile,

...I don't feel like my friends are my friends at all. I tag along with them, but friendship? Too far to be taken.

I think all the isolationism I've went through in grade school has scarred me. Way too often I see myself as a short-sighted absent-minded fool who has little idea on what's happening around him, because certain stupid things happen to me all the time.

And my week sucks. I've managed to bruise my left knee twice today by falling down on the floor and on the stairs respectively. The same left knee that was really sensitive to pain lately and hurt me every time I had given any pressure on the knee cap. I'm limping now. :smallfrown:

A lot of people tell me that my fears and worries are all delusions that I'm invoking upon myself. Am I really worth something or am I just a drama queen? Given how self-deprecating I'm growing, I'm going after the latter explanation.

*Sigh* I feel bad.

[The Extinguisher]

Winthur, I used to feel the same way. That people are only friends with you out of pity. No matter how good your reasons seem to you, they're wrong. You friends are your friends. They wouldn't put up with you if they weren't. It's the worst feeling in the world, and it's really hard to beat.

Hugs.

[Headless_Ninja]

Thanks for the hugs and messages folks.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

LonelyTower: Okay...you have not been with us long, and you probably don't know me as well as others who frequent this forum. So allow me some time to tell you more about me.

I am a 42-year-old American with disabilities ranging from the physical to the psychological. The short list: diabetes mellitis, severe recurring depression, and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The diabetes comes with all sorts of extras, including diabetic neuropathy (my nervous system is screwed), retinopathy (I'm slowly going blind), and the recent addition of a complication of the complications of diabetes, Charcot's joint. This last "syndrome" means that weight-bearing joints can become broken or dislocated without me being aware of them until it is too late. This diagnosis came after an x-ray of my left foor for one problem revealed that I'd broken my pinky toe without ever knowing it. It healed, but not perfectly.

As these illnesses settled in and became more in the way of obstructions to finding and keeping gainful employment, I realized I would have to file for what is known here in the States as Social Security Disability, or SSD. My life went from being what is considered a "productive member of society" to a guy who sits around his home all day, playing computer games while waiting around for the day when I'd need to go see a doctor.

That's the...abbreviated...version of things.I have problems, and they are NOT small. I have spent time in a few psych wards to help me address my mental illnesses, and the number of doctors I need to cover the varying aspects of my physical illnesses is..annoying.

And there you are, believing that 27 and ill as you are makes you insignificant? Sorry, but I don't buy that. Not for a minute.

This very forum is the place that made me wake up and realize that I am more than I ever believed before coming to this place. Just with the power of words, I have been able to help a number of people around the globe with things that they never thought they'd be able to cope with. And just be being who I am, I have inspired others to improve their lives.

You have value. It's easy for me to say, and I believe that statement. HOWEVER, the person you have to convince is yourself. It's your fight with life, and the best anyone here can do is give strategic advice of how to do what you need to do.

But sometimes we get stuck. Even "Bor, the man with a story for almost every situation," doesn't have all the knowledge in the world. And all the advice in the world won't help you if YOU are not the one to actually take action. We can tell you to seek help, engage in certain activities to better yourself...but it all falls on your shoulders to work toward the betterment of your life.

I'll leave it at that...but know we are here to help when you have the overwhelming desire to vent.

D-D: Having said what I did to LonelyTower, you have to kick yourself in the butt and get your mind in gear to seek out that which will improve your life. Existing in a negative mode will get you nowhere fast. People will avoid you. You will be angry for such avoidance. And so the cycle will continue, until you finally burn out.

I could go into the numerous tales of where I was simply existing in a bad place, physically, emotionally, and existentially...and yet I forced myself to seek out those things that were positive. It's not easy. The world is brimming with people who are filled with negativity. It falls to YOU to seek the good in a situation and be thankful for what you have.

Everyone: Well, it should be clear that I am making an effort to be here daily to do that which Bor does...but it needs to be understood that I am not on MY computer, and such time can be severely limited. Like this moment. I have to run. Be well, all. :smallsmile:

[Ninja Chocobo]

@arguskos

Are you an introvert? Sometimes people don't understand that introverts don't like attention from too much people, or from people considered outside their circle, and what you described sounds either like shyness, or an introvert being overstimulated.

What really sucks is being an introverted attention-seeker. You're all "Um. Excuse me, but, uh, if it's not too much trouble, could somebody, um, please pay attention to me? Er, sorry."
And then you get all bitter that nobody does.

[LonelyTower]

Thanks, Bor, for the encouragement. I guess it is because Singapore is a fast-paced, stressful environment where everyone demands you to do make lots of money (which I am not). I guess my case is a case of jealously too. I have peers who are holding senior management positions, already sold off their first private housing for lurcative returns and etc. etc. etc. and I would wallow in self-pity that I am a homeless vagabond* who has to live from paycheque to paycheque. I wish to go for a master, but I am already up to my neck in debts for my bachelor.

*I pay rental yes, but you never know when the landlord is going to give me the one month notice and increase the rent. Oh, here I go worrying needlessly again.

Silence, I'm sorry for your friend, and empathize what you are going through. Worrying for friends suck;

Ninja: It hurts, to remember those who are not with us now. I was watching Babylon V's finale last night on DVD and this line sticks with me ... 'A toast to absent friends but in memory still bright'

[LonelyTower]

What really sucks is being an introverted attention-seeker. You're all "Um. Excuse me, but, uh, if it's not too much trouble, could somebody, um, please pay attention to me? Er, sorry."
And then you get all bitter that nobody does.

Heh, I fall into that category. I don't care about the people outside of my small circle of friends, but being ignored or snubbed by friends I have decided to trust is a big deal for me. I think it kind of sad (for me) when you have to organise your own birthday outing and beg people to come. Yep that what I did. Instead of worrying if anyone even bother with my birthday, I just tell the whole world and 'ask' (actually I was begging) them to come.

[Jacklu]

Update time! Nothing particularly of interest. More conversing with mah PCP and such. But I am a little shaken up today. Its been a good couple months since I've had a full blown panic attack. A few rising moments here or there, but nothing I wasn't able to quell with some deep breathing and helpful mantras.

Until last night. Specifically, while I was asleep. I had a particularly vivid dream dealing with... Well, issues I face in waking life. In my dream, I became rapidly overwhelmed with what I would call the worst of the worst possible scenarios for me. IE: everything I am afraid of happening happening all at once like a catastrophic chain reaction. And in my dream, I broke down and defaulted to my standard reaction to overwhelming circumstances. I curled up in a ball and freaked out. A full blown panic attack. And then I woke up and found myself just starting to slip into one in the waking world. The gasping for air I had dreamed of turned out to be the sound of my own jerking breathing.

I managed to get it under control before it got any further, but it left me seriously shaken. And late for classes to boot. I'm not sure exactly how to deal with this right now. I've had bad dreams before, but never bad enough to spill over into the physical world like that. =/ Its the waking up crying thing all over again. T_T

Anyways, just wanted to get my thoughts out of my head and somewhere where I could look them over in a more detached way. I'm fine now, if a bit nervous about going to sleep tonight. And tired... Turns out, sleep isn't nearly as restful if you spend it all tossing and turning and gasping for air. Oh well.

You all still rock, by the way. :smallcool: I'm out.

[Quincunx]

LonelyTower: I don't have any understanding, so I'll just ask if you saw the ribbon of light.

Jacklu: "Late for classes" has rarely been such a comforting phrase. Sleeping just a bit too much each night + oversleeping for one cycle = (sometimes) very vivid dreams. I'm not sure why it happens, but it's 100% normal and it doesn't repeat itself two nights running. I'll lay a small bet that you find waking up tomorrow morning early, easy and natural.


What really sucks is being an introverted attention-seeker. You're all "Um. Excuse me, but, uh, if it's not too much trouble, could somebody, um, please pay attention to me? Er, sorry."
And then you get all bitter that nobody does.

At least recognizing the irony of it all gets you kudos. :smalltongue: The statement's just begging to be compressed into a catchy little verse.

Higgledy-piggledy
Ninja and Chocobo,
Wark in the dark and the
lamp in the shade,

Whispered the trick of the
eighty percent we know;
Beg for two cents, and I've
already paid.

[afroakuma]

afroakuma: Instead of having these worthless appointments, why not think about the kind of therapist you'd like to see, make a list of the attributes in the professional you're looking for, hand the list over to "management," and tell them to find you that person?

The management are incompetent 9-to-5ers. I have no ideal therapist, because I hate counseling. I hate a lot of things, really. I certainly hate talking about myself or my problems. Always have.


You may not end up with your ideal version of a therapist, but perhaps this tactic will bring you closer to what you need...maybe?

I need things of substance. I need answers; I need friends; I need the desire and open-mindedness to want to connect with people; I need the sudden, miraculous arrival of direction in my academic life. I need to not hate everything. These so-called professionals, with all their fancy degrees, will not accomplish this. I need life rehab; they don't have that. :smallannoyed:

[Raewyn]

At least recognizing the irony of it all gets you kudos. :smalltongue: The statement's just begging to be compressed into a catchy little verse.

Higgledy-piggledy
Ninja and Chocobo,
Wark in the dark and the
lamp in the shade,

Whispered the trick of the
eighty percent we know;
Beg for two cents, and I've
already paid.

Man, I love awesome poetry, doubly so when it includes rhymes. I have profoundly immature tastes; if it doesn't rhyme, I kinda get bored.

And if anyone's interested in my problems, well, see below.

I stopped taking my Prozac maybe a week or two ago because I thought it might be the source of my mysterious vomiting illness. It wasn't, but I still haven't started back on it again. Partly because I forget and partly because Boyfriend's been telling me how great I've been doing without them. My shrink doesn't seem very keen on the idea, but it is my decision, though a hard one to make giving how fuzzyheaded I am (I caught a cold/flu immediately after getting over the other thing). Problem is, I'm feeling kind of down more than usual, and I'm slightly more prone to being frustrated (though that might be due to an influx of PMS and frustrating stimuli in my life). But, I've been getting my schoolwork done so very effectively without them, which has been a huge problem for me while I've been on medication. Only downside is I keep forgetting to take my multivitamins. *shrug*

One of my sources of frustration is a guy in my Thursday night D&D group. He's "That Guy" in our group, but seems completely oblivious to the fact. I really don't know what to do about him. I've tried ways to improve his behavior subtly, but he doesn't get the hint. I've tried just sitting back and trying to get a kick out of the stupidity as it unfolds, but he manages to invoke my ire in spite of that. He hasn't even opened a book to try to learn the rules of the game, and Boyfriend occasionally has to walk him through his attack rolls. Isn't this insane for someone who's been playing this game going on nine months? Another guy joined the group after him and is a spectacular player now. And before anyone asks, I've tried leaving the group before, but everyone who's not him misses me a whole bunch and begs me to come back, so I do, and I don't want to be a colossal jerk and force the DM to pick between me and this guy. I'm also a little too shy to stage a direct intervention. Any advice on what to do regarding this would be appreciated.


I need friends
I'll be your friend... though I'm pretty sure you mean friends in the meatspace. I also got the vibe that you're in England or somewhere else that's 5-6000 miles from the US East Coast.

[Jacklu]

Jacklu: "Late for classes" has rarely been such a comforting phrase. Sleeping just a bit too much each night + oversleeping for one cycle = (sometimes) very vivid dreams. I'm not sure why it happens, but it's 100% normal and it doesn't repeat itself two nights running. I'll lay a small bet that you find waking up tomorrow morning early, easy and natural.
The problem wasn't so much that I had a vivid dream but that a vivid dream was enough to bring on a panic attack. Though when it comes to my sleep cycle... well, its been a bit screwed up of late. I get up at about the same time during the week, but there are days when I don't get up at all. =/ either way, thanks for the response. I'll back your bet and hope for the best tomorrow.

[LonelyTower]

LonelyTower: I don't have any understanding, so I'll just ask if you saw the ribbon of light.
.

Ribbon of light? Sorry, not really getting what you mean here. Feel free to PM me on this :)

Well, I am going to change my life slogan. Instead of living from paycheque to paycheque, it is now living from progress meeting to progress meeting. Got to prove that I am doing enough to justify me being around.

I'm stuck in a place doing what I don't like, while just a few metres away from me is an office full of people doing what I really want to do (games development). I am stuck doing boring dialog boxes and graphs while the other office are working on the stuff I always wanted to touch.

I think the power that be is trying to make a point. Though I'm not sure what it is.

I am going to talk to my therapist tomorrow about my...general unhappiness...and my recent stress meltdown. Oh joy, I am suddenly swamped with projects again. And a few dozen to-do just appear in my lists. I wonder how long I can keep up doing something just because I need the money. I loathe a soulless existence.

[Jacklu]

Well, Jacklu is going to try to sleep now. Hopefully it will work. Hopefully I won't wake up gasping for air. Night all.

[loopy]

Well, Jacklu is going to try to sleep now. Hopefully it will work. Hopefully I won't wake up gasping for air. Night all.

*hugs*

Sleep well, dream big. If you feel yourself getting lost, just fly to one of us, we'll help you find your way. :smallsmile:

[Kobold-Bard]

Spoilered for incessant whining with no real point to it or request for help.
God frigging dammit. Through sheer stupidity I've managed to end up with £9 to last me and my gf until the 1st of november. I thought my student loan was coming through soon, so I spent our food money on other stuff we needed, thinking I'd have enough within a week or so.

But now it turns out that the Student Loan people have messed it up so badly that I might not get it until frigging February. Who the hell thought taking the responsibility from 40 odd different councils and putting it all under a single office's control was a good idea. They managed to lose 30,000 peoples details.

So I am well and truly screwed. We need to buy train tickets to Leeds to get to her clinic appointment, which I now can't afford. I hate student loans. I hate the government for screwing up our benefits. I hate myself for being crap with money. I hate the rip off merchant landlord. I hate myself for whinging to strangers on the internet.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG GGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:smallfurious: :smallfurious: :smallfurious: :smallfurious:

[bluewind95]

It's taken me a while to gather the energy for a somewhat long post.

Amaranthine


Heheh... what doesn't cause it? :smallsigh: Here's the basic list and minor explanations.
- Standing up straight or sitting down while upright and with my legs still and, you know, straight down, like a decent person is expected to sit down. The result is that I don't sit down properly, generally either twisting my legs into all kinds of ways, sitting on my legs, or just being fairly squirmy. I also tend to pace around. I don't stand still. This is problematic in places like Church, or a formal setting, or an office, etc.
- Standing up very quickly. I do that often. I slump back down to the chair, etc. And see all kinds of funky static, and hear static and ringing sounds in my ears. Fun. The effects of that trigger, though, pass relatively quickly.
- Stress. This one.... this one is probably one the nastiest. Last one lasted me an entire semester and caused me to fail half the classes I took that semester. I was practically bed-ridden, much like now, and could not focus properly more than a bit at a time. BAD for studying, that one.
- Seeing blood, being overly nervous before... whatever, and other such rather unpleasant stimuli. This one is the one that knocks me out the fastest. I've managed to faint before I could stop it with this. And other times, I have only managed NOT to faint because I've known for a long time how to avoid fainting (lie down with the feet raised). I once or twice had my blood sugar tested, only to nearly faint after a few seconds. Try as I might, I can't quite control that one. Blood tests are a nightmare as well.
- Heat, either by environment or exercise. Oh, gods, heat. Every time the weather is hot enough, I'll be practically disabled. I'll sleep all day and be unable to walk much and generally, it's nasty. This is my current worst problem. Heat due to exercise is also enough to disable me for hours at a time. Both combined... just.... no.
- Sudden onset of extreme emotions. That's similar to the seeing blood and such. If frightened or shocked suddenly, I will indeed feel VERY sick.
- Hunger. I wanted to stop eating entirely. This kind of stopped me, the near-fainting every time I got hungry enough. I can't fast, either. So much for cultural demands to fast once in a while.
- High altitude. Yeah, this one can get pretty bad, too. Traveling somewhere with a high altitude is a GREAT way to feel sick all that time. When I combined that with climbing... I am not sure how I managed to get out of there. I thought I was going to explode or something.
- Various medications. Yes, medications like Naproxene are bad for me. Anti-histamines too. .... Quite a few, actually.
- Being in an enclosed space, especially with a lot of people, especially if standing still. I used to think this was a phobia. But no, it isn't.

Apart from that, I will also randomly feel ill and stuff. Not fun. Not at ALL convenient for getting a job, especially given some of the triggers. But I don't think it counts as a disability. Which is a shame, because I really DO end up pretty much disabled with this. I used to think it was only the depression until I got diagnosed with this. Then I started really paying attention and noticed that it was no depression (although I DO have a very bad depression aside from that. It just doesn't make me fall asleep, or faint, or grow too tired to function with said triggers. It simply makes me consider jumping off a tall building) that was causing all that.


Bor


Yeah... I think that you, more than most, would be able to empathize with my current issue. I used to think- remember?- that I was being physically affected to the point of non-functioning with simple (simple as in... only that) depression. It's been quite an eye-opener, really, to know that my efforts to keep myself mentally functional despite depression have actually not been in vain, since the problem is physical. However, I'm sure you can appreciate how frustrating it is to know that even one's best efforts do not get over the physical issues, and one's been kept down either way.

I'm glad, by the way, that it seems good things are finally coming your way, with the move and everything. I haven't written for a while, but I still read your blog.

(Also, as a totally side-comment... remember... HIM? "He" has amazingly apologized for everything and we are on friendly terms again. I'm not taking it all for granted... but I suppose I might give him the benefit of the doubt. After a year... it is likely he's matured, no? It seems that way. I'll choose to believe in the best of human nature.)


I would love to be able to reply to the others here... but I honestly can't at the moment. So... *hugs* to everyone.

[Jacklu]

*hugs Kobold-bard*

Updates again!

Jacklu went to his school's wellness center today to find out what will or will not be covered by my insurance. Turns out, counseling is not on the list of stuff they do. :smallsigh: So Jacklu is in a bit of a bind financially. =/ Oh well.

[Calmness]

It's taken me a while to gather the energy for a somewhat long post.

Amaranthine


Heheh... what doesn't cause it? :smallsigh: Here's the basic list and minor explanations.
- Standing up straight or sitting down while upright and with my legs still and, you know, straight down, like a decent person is expected to sit down. The result is that I don't sit down properly, generally either twisting my legs into all kinds of ways, sitting on my legs, or just being fairly squirmy. I also tend to pace around. I don't stand still. This is problematic in places like Church, or a formal setting, or an office, etc.
- Standing up very quickly. I do that often. I slump back down to the chair, etc. And see all kinds of funky static, and hear static and ringing sounds in my ears. Fun. The effects of that trigger, though, pass relatively quickly.
- Stress. This one.... this one is probably one the nastiest. Last one lasted me an entire semester and caused me to fail half the classes I took that semester. I was practically bed-ridden, much like now, and could not focus properly more than a bit at a time. BAD for studying, that one.
- Seeing blood, being overly nervous before... whatever, and other such rather unpleasant stimuli. This one is the one that knocks me out the fastest. I've managed to faint before I could stop it with this. And other times, I have only managed NOT to faint because I've known for a long time how to avoid fainting (lie down with the feet raised). I once or twice had my blood sugar tested, only to nearly faint after a few seconds. Try as I might, I can't quite control that one. Blood tests are a nightmare as well.
- Heat, either by environment or exercise. Oh, gods, heat. Every time the weather is hot enough, I'll be practically disabled. I'll sleep all day and be unable to walk much and generally, it's nasty. This is my current worst problem. Heat due to exercise is also enough to disable me for hours at a time. Both combined... just.... no.
- Sudden onset of extreme emotions. That's similar to the seeing blood and such. If frightened or shocked suddenly, I will indeed feel VERY sick.
- Hunger. I wanted to stop eating entirely. This kind of stopped me, the near-fainting every time I got hungry enough. I can't fast, either. So much for cultural demands to fast once in a while.
- High altitude. Yeah, this one can get pretty bad, too. Traveling somewhere with a high altitude is a GREAT way to feel sick all that time. When I combined that with climbing... I am not sure how I managed to get out of there. I thought I was going to explode or something.
- Various medications. Yes, medications like Naproxene are bad for me. Anti-histamines too. .... Quite a few, actually.
- Being in an enclosed space, especially with a lot of people, especially if standing still. I used to think this was a phobia. But no, it isn't.

Apart from that, I will also randomly feel ill and stuff. Not fun. Not at ALL convenient for getting a job, especially given some of the triggers. But I don't think it counts as a disability. Which is a shame, because I really DO end up pretty much disabled with this. I used to think it was only the depression until I got diagnosed with this. Then I started really paying attention and noticed that it was no depression (although I DO have a very bad depression aside from that. It just doesn't make me fall asleep, or faint, or grow too tired to function with said triggers. It simply makes me consider jumping off a tall building) that was causing all that.


Bor


Yeah... I think that you, more than most, would be able to empathize with my current issue. I used to think- remember?- that I was being physically affected to the point of non-functioning with simple (simple as in... only that) depression. It's been quite an eye-opener, really, to know that my efforts to keep myself mentally functional despite depression have actually not been in vain, since the problem is physical. However, I'm sure you can appreciate how frustrating it is to know that even one's best efforts do not get over the physical issues, and one's been kept down either way.

I'm glad, by the way, that it seems good things are finally coming your way, with the move and everything. I haven't written for a while, but I still read your blog.

(Also, as a totally side-comment... remember... HIM? "He" has amazingly apologized for everything and we are on friendly terms again. I'm not taking it all for granted... but I suppose I might give him the benefit of the doubt. After a year... it is likely he's matured, no? It seems that way. I'll choose to believe in the best of human nature.)


I would love to be able to reply to the others here... but I honestly can't at the moment. So... *hugs* to everyone.
...

That's... a little worse than I expected. It's nice though, that you managed to figure out what the problem is. Many poor people can't do that and just die without really understanding what is really happening to them. You are better than that which is great.

Just remember there are people out there who care about you, and who will try to help you, and your family in particular won't let you go without a fight, they love you more than anyone else in the world so please be good to them if they try to help.

That's it. I'm sorry. You are a smart and beautiful person and I just can't keep quiet and I can do nothing for you except talk if you like. There are many nice people here though and we'll all be here if you ever need anything.

Love you bluewind.

[Darius Midnite]

Psychosomatic symptoms are quite frustrating. My body aches, I tremble, the world swirls around me, and yet nothing physical is wrong with me. I can hardly endure it.

[Jacklu]

*hugs Darius*

I'm not sure what to say. I'm around if you want to talk to somebody.

[Neko Toast]

Psychosomatic symptoms are quite frustrating. My body aches, I tremble, the world swirls around me, and yet nothing physical is wrong with me. I can hardly endure it.

Forgive me for this. Despite the fact that I'm studying Psychology in school right now, my knowledge of the topic is still a bit narrow. Right now my only Psych class is Developmental Psych.

Anyway, on to my point. What exactly do you mean by psychosomatic symptoms? My first thought was physical symtoms accompanying something like depression, which I've done some research on quite recently (I'm visiting my doctor tomorrow about it, actually). But that doesn't seem quite right. Could you explain a little further?

[Shraik]

Gah. I can't even think of words to describe my fustration and overall discontent at the moment. I feel lousy, people are jerks. I don't want to have to care, I've been going through the motions lately, to stop caring, so I could be happy again, and now pllbt.

Gah

[Hawk7915]

It's been a while; my internet connection has been practically nonexistent in the new house and life has actually been generally okay lately. Just need to vent

I haven't been this mad at someone at a long time. I've been pondering doing my own groceries and splitting off from the three couples (six people) who live in my little house for a week. Tonight, when I'm sore, still sick, cold, and studying for my Psych GRE tomorrow morning, they don't bother to tell me that dinner is done, and don't bother to save me any. So I guess at least that settles that: I'm going to need a mini-fridge and a whole new supply of food tomorrow. Thankfully I had some week-old sandwich stuff and a 1/10 bottle of scotch so I didn't starve. I will be entertaining the idea of moving out completely since this place really isn't better for my health and my best friend has become sorta brainwashed by our crazy, vaguely cult-leaderesque 43 year old graduate student roommate.

My health problems took a new turn the other day: I got agonizing, screaming pain in my legs and they started to twitch and tremble uncontrollably. I actually called my doctor rather than grinning and bearing it, and got the response I expected after I left a message: "Nothing we can do, stop overreacting, call for a new appointment if you don't want to wait until June" :smallannoyed:. I know it's my own damn fault for not tracking down a new doctor, but it's still frustrating. For now I'm calling it a one-time nerve pinch but I'll have to keep an eye on it.

I have the Psych GRE tomorrow (it's a 215 question, 3 hour exam that costs $130 and covers general psychology questions. Some graduate schools require it, many recommend it). I just finished a practice test and need to grade it and study some obvious weak points (Kohler, Piaget, brain structure, sensation and perception, and empirically supported tests) before I pass out...I suck for not studying more this week (just a glance over some review stuff) but I've been sick and busy.

Also, it snowed today in lovely Wyoming and I have an exam six blocks away at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow and no car. So we get to see how tough my wheelchair is on a long-distance, all uphill, snowy course. Should be awesome times.

Sorry for ranting, I know that all things considered these are silly things to be so distressed about. I'm going to go grade my practice test and try to get a bit of sleep now. I'll maybe, ya know, help others tomorrow :smallredface:

[Jacklu]

Shraik, Hawk7915:
Yet again, I am completely unable to offer any kind of meaningful advice. :smallsigh: =/ But hopefully this will help until somebody more capable logs on.

*hugs both tightly*

[Dracomorph]

It's been a while; my internet connection has been practically nonexistent in the new house and life has actually been generally okay lately. Just need to vent

I haven't been this mad at someone at a long time. I've been pondering doing my own groceries and splitting off from the three couples (six people) who live in my little house for a week. Tonight, when I'm sore, still sick, cold, and studying for my Psych GRE tomorrow morning, they don't bother to tell me that dinner is done, and don't bother to save me any. So I guess at least that settles that: I'm going to need a mini-fridge and a whole new supply of food tomorrow. Thankfully I had some week-old sandwich stuff and a 1/10 bottle of scotch so I didn't starve. I will be entertaining the idea of moving out completely since this place really isn't better for my health and my best friend has become sorta brainwashed by our crazy, vaguely cult-leaderesque 43 year old graduate student roommate.

My health problems took a new turn the other day: I got agonizing, screaming pain in my legs and they started to twitch and tremble uncontrollably. I actually called my doctor rather than grinning and bearing it, and got the response I expected after I left a message: "Nothing we can do, stop overreacting, call for a new appointment if you don't want to wait until June" :smallannoyed:. I know it's my own damn fault for not tracking down a new doctor, but it's still frustrating. For now I'm calling it a one-time nerve pinch but I'll have to keep an eye on it.

I have the Psych GRE tomorrow (it's a 215 question, 3 hour exam that costs $130 and covers general psychology questions. Some graduate schools require it, many recommend it). I just finished a practice test and need to grade it and study some obvious weak points (Kohler, Piaget, brain structure, sensation and perception, and empirically supported tests) before I pass out...I suck for not studying more this week (just a glance over some review stuff) but I've been sick and busy.

Also, it snowed today in lovely Wyoming and I have an exam six blocks away at 8:30 a.m. tomorrow and no car. So we get to see how tough my wheelchair is on a long-distance, all uphill, snowy course. Should be awesome times.

Sorry for ranting, I know that all things considered these are silly things to be so distressed about. I'm going to go grade my practice test and try to get a bit of sleep now. I'll maybe, ya know, help others tomorrow :smallredface:

First off, I recommend going ahead and doing your own groceries as much as possible, not out of spite, but because it sets clear boundaries for when permission is needed, and takes care of some potential arguments like "who ate more this week." Also, Scotch is not food. Beer maybe, but Scotch, no.

I couldn't say whether it's better for you to move out, although it sounds like it is. Cult leader types creep me right the heck out, and I avoid them as much as possible. And any doctor who dismisses tremendous pain as a symptom is a terrible doctor. (I did see that you already know this, but it's worth restating.)

Good luck on the test, hope you do well. Knowing where you need to study can be pretty helpful, so take full advantage of that.

These concerns are not silly, and are certainly not a waste of anyone's time in being here.

[Darius Midnite]

Forgive me for this. Despite the fact that I'm studying Psychology in school right now, my knowledge of the topic is still a bit narrow. Right now my only Psych class is Developmental Psych.

Anyway, on to my point. What exactly do you mean by psychosomatic symptoms? My first thought was physical symtoms accompanying something like depression, which I've done some research on quite recently (I'm visiting my doctor tomorrow about it, actually). But that doesn't seem quite right. Could you explain a little further?

Well, the symptoms are an unfortunate side effect of my depression and anxiety. I am currently medicated, which has taken care of my angst. But alas, some feelings till linger.

[Neko Toast]

Well, the symptoms are an unfortunate side effect of my depression and anxiety. I am currently medicated, which has taken care of my angst. But alas, some feelings still linger.

Hm... Well, some medications aren't for everyone. If you're really bothered by your symptoms, try talking to your doctor. They can find a different medication that may help.

[LonelyTower]

I can't sleep.

And my psychiatrist is officially on a 'you're not my problem anymore, but the therapist's'. This is quite true; I really need to stop using medication as a fix to all my anxiety woes.

I am burning the candle on both ends again, doing two freelance jobs, two hobby game projects, one full-time job and being on standby on two completed freelance projects.

That damn-awful flu which I have got three weeks ago is not going away either.

Someone please cast Fox's Cunning on me. I feel as if I need the brain cells.

[Moff Chumley]

Well guys, I'm at a bit of a low. My parents are convinced I'm this brilliant prodigy, and I just got a progress report from school. Aside from music, C+ was the highest grade on it, giving me a GPA in the high 1.0s. They flew off the handle, and after I recovered from a good sob, the only thing they had to say was "pull yourself together and fold these bags, or there will be serious consequences." Exact quote. I could break my dad's nose right now. I could just grab a few bags of chips and a twenty, and take off. I need someone to help me. PLEASE. I love my parents, I want to be with them, but at times like these I wish I could just leave and never see them again.

[Silence]

You have no idea how much I can empethize with you, Moff (I totally just made up taht word). I went through that bit a while ago, and then I eventually made them realize that even though I'm smart, I have no work ethic at all, and they backed off after about a year or so. But more recently than that, I've been going through the basic teenage power struggle.

Now, it's time for me to complain.

[teenage rant]My parents, just like seemingly everone else's suck. They honestly don't seem to care about a word I say one the matter, and I can quote them saying that when they make a decision on something that involves me, they don't take any input from me. This is generally because I was born a contridictorian, and I can create and structure a fairly reasonable logical argument for anything at all. I really should go into politics :/

Anyway, we've been going through power struggles for the past frew weeks, and I finally took a break this weekend so I could use my computer (my only remaining "priviledge", mostly due to the music that I would be otherwise unable to access.), and let them do whatever, but the past few weeks have sucked. Every day it seems that they grow more and more idealistic and arbitrary, forcing me to hold my ground even tighter so not to let them win. Just the other day, I finally popped and stormed out of the house screaming "EFF YOU, EFF YOU, EFF BOTH OF YOU!" Except, I didn't say eff. I ended up spending the day with a friend, and went back in the morning. They disconnected my phone, my most prized possession. Seriously, you have no idea how attached I am to my phone. I talk to my friends for about two hours every night. Annnnnyway, bottom line: Screw my parents, they're idealistic, arbitrary [insert obsenity here] that need to take the stick out of their butt so I can take mine out, because that thing hurts like the nine hells.[/teenage rant]

Oh, and also, I cried about three times this week. Not good for a fifteen year old guy.

[Moff Chumley]

Are you me? That's essentially exactly what I deal with. :smallfrown:

[Silence]

Are you me?

The plot thickens.

BTW, sent you a PM.

[Alarra]

Well guys, I'm at a bit of a low. My parents are convinced I'm this brilliant prodigy, and I just got a progress report from school. Aside from music, C+ was the highest grade on it, giving me a GPA in the high 1.0s. They flew off the handle, and after I recovered from a good sob, the only thing they had to say was "pull yourself together and fold these bags, or there will be serious consequences." Exact quote. I could break my dad's nose right now. I could just grab a few bags of chips and a twenty, and take off. I need someone to help me. PLEASE. I love my parents, I want to be with them, but at times like these I wish I could just leave and never see them again.

What would you have wanted your parents to say? Frankly, although I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear....I would fly off the handle if my kid's highest grade was a C+ too.

And Silence... I'm disappointed in your parents for backing off. You admit you're smart. There's no excuse for you to not put as much effort into school as you can. They should be on you to try to improve your work ethic. And you should want to have a good work ethic and be striving to improve that.

[Silence]

Yeah, I know that I should be doing better, and that I need to be getting the grades I'm capable of, but I'm generally a stupid person when it comes to important things like that.

They gave up after a year and a half seige, which we eventually called a truce.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Moff Chumley: Once upon a time, there was a guy named "Rob." Rumor had it he was an intelligent young man, but his grades never reflected it. His report cards were usually columns of C's and F's, and he would receive a stern "talking to," especially from his mother.

So Rob tried harder, despite the fact that his creative mind wasn't able to cope with the structured learning of the average American school. And he was on the cusp of celebrating when he saw a column of B's, along with one A. He was so proud; his grades had gone up to new and exciting letters...and he got another "talking to" from his mother. "How come they're not ALL A's? And why isn't that A an A+?" If Rob brought home a test paper with 100%, his mother wanted to know why he couldn't get the extra credit question correct?

If this was the reward for doing even slightly well, why bother? He would never achieve perfection when it came to his education, and all of that work worth it if he would never receive a pat on the back.

His grades took a nose-dive again, which mystified his parents. Suddenly, they wanted to know where the B's were. They weren't good enough before, and now they were missed?!? :smallconfused: Ultimately, Rob was baffled, and eventually gave up completely.

Now, I know this is NOT your situation. You didn't do well, and your parents ripped into you. Right there, in their actions, is the similarity. Instead of beating you down for having received poor grades, they should have paused and said, "Okay...Rough patch of schooling there. What can we do to help you?"

I can understand their initial response. It's what's parents do. When their child appears to have failed so badly, they look upon themselves as failures, and feel that pressure and disappointment as well. They take it out on the first target available, and that's you.

All parties need to calm down. NOW. Then it's time to brew a little tea, sit around the kitchen table, and have a chat...TOGETHER. You are having difficulty in school. Adding emotional/psychological strain is NOT going to help with that. And so the discussion needs to be about how to get past this obstacle, and how everyone can resist the urge to mentally explode should it happen again.

Personally, I think it should be YOU who brings the family meeting together and open up the dialogue. Show your parents that you are just mature enough to realize this is a big issue, and ask for their aid. And the answer isn't taking away those precious teenaged freedoms, or various other punishments. It's setting up a place without distraction so you can study, and not be called upon for numerous chores. It's getting a tutor on subjects that are not sinking in. And it's you clearing away distractions, like video games or RPG manuals, and concentrating on the work.

Look...one of the things you are learning in school is the rigors of a work-day. You are scheduled to show up at certain times. You have to work through the whole day until that magic hour to head home arrives. Your homework would be the time you spend looking over bills, reading contracts you have to sign, and sending out payments. And the goal of courses beneath college level is to not only give you a basic understanding of many things in the world, but give you a taste of all subjects so you can decide what to be when you grow up.

Take the time with your parents, if you can. Make them aware that you are not "just a kid" anymore. And if that falls through, you can come away with your head held high in the knowledge that you tried. :smallsmile:

Now, I could go off on a tangent about needing to concentrate on school more. I can tell you to study harder, etc. But you already know that. And if you didn't, I'm pretty sure your parents covered it. My concern is keeping the peace, in both your home and inside your head. Relax a bit. Read a book with some classical music playing in the background. And once the urge to raise your hands in anger has passed, approach your parents for that chat.

I hope it works.

[HellfireLover]

Possibly not the best person to be dishing out academic advice, since I admit I coasted through almost all of my academic studies - horrible little baggage that I am - and only did badly in subjects which relied on numeric knowledge (as I now know I have dyscalculia, this was always going to be a losing battle for me, no matter how hard I tried, and eventually I just gave up.) Getting grief for not doing well is probably the ultimate demotivator, since any efforts you do make end up being overshadowed by your perceived 'failures'. No work ethic? First thing to address is why. Disinterest, general fatigue, contempt at the way the work is structured? Addicted to leisure pursuits? Too busy socializing? At risk of sounding like one of those awful self-help manuals, you need to identify the source of the problem before you can begin to tackle it. School isn't always the most inspiring of places, particularly if you have teacher who just goes through the motions - even if you have a genuine passion for a certain subject (mine was English), a lacklustre teacher or genuinely dreadful curriculum can bore you and make your grades plummet.

You already know that your education is important. You should be receiving support in dealing with your ennui, not receiving grief about it. I'm possibly in the minority as I was lucky enough to have super-awesome parents who actually listened to my fears and worries and reassured me that it is NOT the end of the world if you have a bad term or two due to boredom or dislike of the subject at hand, and encouraged me to pick back up and get stuck in.

Sit down with your folks. Don't get mad, and don't yell. Just explain clearly and calmly that their censure is getting you nowhere - in fact is doing more harm than anything - and talk about how you are going to turn this thing around. As soon as you hear any negativity from your parents, nix it by saying that you don't need to rehash past failures. Look forwards, because you do have a future, and ultimately only YOU can make that future as bright as it possibly can be, regardless of anyone else's words.

Ah, not that helpful, I don't think. But I'm one of those people who reacts badly at work when only the bad is pointed out (I get all rebellious), so possibly the only advice this sort-of elderly being can give you young whippersnappers. :smallwink:

[Neko Toast]

I'm so unbelievably irritated right now. I already had a very ****ty weekend because of my constant stomach problems and the visit to the doctor. I come back to school, only to find our dorm looking like a gorram hurricane went through it, and my roommate's spacey friend spending the night yet again. I want to explode. Seriously. I want to tell my roommate that she needs to do her own gorram laundry now because she never considered my feelings when she suddenly decided to get an apartment for next semester, and she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet rather than depend on other's help. I want to tell her friend the same exact thing, and tell her to pick up her crap and go back to her own room. I want my roommate to throw out all of the Mountain Dew boxes that she hasn't bothered to recycle, and to take out the recycling bin for once since I've done it every single time this year so far.

*sigh*... No wonder I might have IBS. I have too much emotional stress in my life right now. Anyway, sorry for that explosion. I'm not in a good mood right now.

[Coidzor]

Well, yeah, I mean, hell, you don't do your roommate's laundry even if you're in love with 'em.

[Winthur]

Oh, and also, I cried about three times this week. Not good for a fifteen year old guy.

...Let's make a club for emotionally unstable 15 year olds. I feel your pain. :smallfrown:

[Dallas-Dakota]

Sigh, just a mini-rant.
I hate the english system of my school.
Why? Oh friggen (insert deity here) why?!

Y'see, we work with the international(inter-continental too?!) of
A1-A2-B1-B2-C1-C2
A1 being lowest and C2 being highest, if you've done C2, you can say you speak just as well as a native and can apply for things which need ''native level'' english.

We were supposed to get an entrance test, or so we were told the first couple of lessons. With this, we could ''test out'' as well. (C lessons are not required)

After a couple of lessons, it's clear that we won't get one. Also the entrance test and the '''test-out-test'' are different tests. Yay.

Now we were all dumped in A2, which is basically elementary level english.
Ahoy, we have to do a month of that crap, then we could possibly go to B1.

We're getting judged on the amount of crap, err work we get done. For some of us, this is the first lesson, due to the system/sicknes, etc, so we can't take the test of the first chapter. Thus missing out points.

Question: Can we do those assignments later?
Answer: No. You'l just have to work harder later on to make up for it.

The teacher gives incredibly vague instructions to crap assignments.(As in, vague directions on where to even find the assignments)

Honestly, I was bored out of my skull the first lesson already.

The only thing not making me drop out is that English is required to get the degree and that the department head is working on getting those tests.

She and my parents agree that I should be getting lessons at either C1 or C2.

I've tried working the system, but the system does not work. And the teachers (except one, who is rarely in and I've only spoken to once) are all 100% drones/slaves to the system.

And the language centrum wants me/my parents to buy expensive books made out of/filled with crap(not litteraly). And that for english ''lessons'' whom we possibly only will have for one month or less.

There's more, but I should go and try to get some sleep now.

[Silence]

...Let's make a club for emotionally unstable 15 year olds. I feel your pain. :smallfrown:

I'll make that right after I finish organizing my club for teenage male aspies on the internet.

[zeratul]

Well guys, I'm at a bit of a low. My parents are convinced I'm this brilliant prodigy, and I just got a progress report from school. Aside from music, C+ was the highest grade on it, giving me a GPA in the high 1.0s. They flew off the handle, and after I recovered from a good sob, the only thing they had to say was "pull yourself together and fold these bags, or there will be serious consequences." Exact quote. I could break my dad's nose right now. I could just grab a few bags of chips and a twenty, and take off. I need someone to help me. PLEASE. I love my parents, I want to be with them, but at times like these I wish I could just leave and never see them again.

Despite being a fellow teenager I have to agree with Allarra here. It's not at all surprising that a parent would get pissed off at a GPa in the high 1.0s. I had some grade issues last year (although not as severe, my lowest grades were Cs) so I can give you some advice on the topic. IF at your school like at ours you are able tp pick what classes you take aside from mandatory ones, make sure that you are taking electives that you are interested in and you'll do the work for. Then if you can take a few study halls so you can get work done in school. I am incredibly lazy but I have an A average in most of my classes so far this marking period due I'm part of the fact that I do most of my work in school instead of out of it. Take down time in classes and do homework in it, do homework during lunch, and try to get some study halls this in the future.

[Ninja Chocobo]

Oh, and also, I cried about three times this week. Not good for a fifteen year old guy.

Man I wish I could cry. Get this bloody depression out of my system, or something. But no! Not only did six years of all-boys high school do wonders for my confidence and self-esteem (viz. it removed them), it also welded my tear ducts shut!

[Jacklu]

=/ Jacklu has much experience with being a teenage boy who cries far more often than he should. Course, I have since come much more to terms with who and what I am, and that happens to be a rather emotionally open person. AKA, when I am sad, I cry, when I am happy, I laugh. When I am angry, I... actually, I cry then too. Anyways... Wish I had advice to offer to any of the people posting here... For now, this will have to do: *hugs all tight*

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Hiya, folks. Thought I'd stop in and point to my latest blog post (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2009/10/laughter-is-best-medicinesometimes.html), which discusses my meds, or lack thereof. It seems to be old hat now, me eventually falling off my meds and then coming here to say, "Oops."

Now, I don't have the mind at the moment to address many of the things popping up, but I am growing concerned. I am actually happier when this thread isn't growing swiftly, because it means people are in a good place psychologically. The faster it moves, the more I worry.

I can't help but wonder if people are starting to feel the effects of seasonal depression. I don't know why fall/winter has the effect that it does, but it seems to be fairly well documented. It's becoming my regular battle cry, so to speak, but "GET HELP!" Relying on friends to play the role of "trained psychologist" is unfair if your friends have no such training. It is also important to remember that we on the Internet cannot teleport to your home to physically help you get the help you may need. That's going to fall on your shoulders.

Many are seeking help. That's good. I am pleased so many are actually listening! :smallsmile: Alas, the help some of you are getting seems to be sub-par. In my eyes, that's unacceptable. Some of what I'm hearing almost makes me want to declare an "International Make a Therapist Cry Month." Honestly...are these people there to only tell you what's wrong and make you feel miserable for the diagnosis, or are they going to start taking time to start teaching you folks the skills to cope with your issues. Some of what's being reported makes me want to visit your therapists and say, "Honestly, for all of your higher education, this is the best you can do? People are coming to you for HELP, and the best you can muster is a 'forced' diagnosis, where you try to convince the patient that they have the symptoms of an imaginary illness, and then you try to treat that. Really? What...was that the class you paid attention to, and so it's the only illness you can treat? 'Hmmm...I'd best diagnose this person with the same illness as all my patients so I'm sure I can "help" them.' Sorry, doc, but even an oncologist can treat different types of cancer. Either you start learning how to treat other psychological illnesses, or you'll soon have a job that requires you to ask, 'You want fries with that?' Start helping my friends, or I will use my great axe unarmed great cleave ki strike on you!" :smalltongue:

Oh...one other thing before I go...Are YOU paying attention? Some have been coming here and NOT reading the very first post. I'm seeing posts beginning with, "I know my problems aren't as big as others, and I should probably not waste anyone's time with this, but here's what's going on..." Or things akin to that. If you want to get slapped with a goat, that's fine. Otherwise, your problems remain as important to the folks who read this thread as anyone else's, especially when they seem to be bad enough to drive you to make you post on a public forum. They are YOUR problems, and may seem the largest of all when you are alone, in a dark room, pondering the misery that seems to come so easily. We are here because we care, and YOU...yeah, YOU...are important to us. We won't diminish the value of your importance, or the importance of your problems...so stop demeaning yourself and speak up. :smallsmile:

I'm off to decompress. Lots on my mind, among the folks I'm not addressing directly. Having fallen off my meds, I'm second guessing myself. But I'm here, worrying about my friends...and that's just about everyone who posts to these forums. Thus, I feel the need to stress that which was added to my sig years ago: BE WELL! :smallsmile:

[Silence]

Man I wish I could cry. Get this bloody depression out of my system, or something. But no! Not only did six years of all-boys high school do wonders for my confidence and self-esteem (viz. it removed them), it also welded my tear ducts shut!

Yeah, people can be **** sometimes... A lot of the time. I'm dating a girl (well, that is, at least for a few more hours :/) that was destroyed by previous relationships. She can't trust anyone, let alone me, and feels the need to lie about everything. Ugh...

[Tamburlaine]

I've never been in this thread before, but recent circumstances have left me feeling quite a bit down, so I thought I'd check it out. I'd like to offer my sympathies to anyone that wants them, and I wish I had some good advice to give.

[Silence]

Well, I'm home alone. My dad's a security guard, and at some point he bought a gun. That gun is in front of my on my desk. It's a Glock. I know how to use it.

What's the point? Seriously, why? I gave up on god a while ago, and have been thinking about this ever since.

It's like I'm the only person on the planet. And it's so cold out here by myself. Everyone I've ever known has deserted me. There is no integrity in humanity. Don't know if there ever was.

A cold dark nothing is a helluva lot better than doing this crap. I don't feel happiness anymore. I fake everything for everyone. My emotions are dull and heartless now. Even the pain is something I've become accustomed to.

I stare at the cold, black object next to my computer, and wonder why not?

Someone talk me out of this. Please. I don't want to die, but it's so easy.

[Jacklu]

Don't even think about it. Silence, I want you to pick up a phone and dial 911 or whatever your local emergency number is, right now. That is not a suggestion. It is an order. Do it. Now.

[Silence]

Don't even think about it. Silence, I want you to pick up a phone and dial 911 or whatever your local emergency number is, right now. That is not a suggestion. It is an order. Do it. Now.

So that some ******* can take me to the looney house where I won't be allowed to wear shoelaces until I lie to them?

No thanks. I'd rather make my own decisions.

[Jacklu]

If you want to make your own decisions, then why are you letting your depression control what you do? Right now you are sitting in the passenger seat while emotions and chemical misfires in your brain play chicken with oncoming traffic. Please, there is nothing wrong or cowardly about picking up the phone and getting help. Right now, you are faced with a decision that only you can make. Option A: let the depression win and take the cowards way out, or Option B: Take charge of your life and make a fighting effort to save yourself from yourself. Please, pick up the phone and call somebody. Anybody. If you can't think of anybody, then try the suicide help hotline. (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)

You're right about making your own decision. You made one by posting here for help. Now make another one by taking the advice and getting help. Please. :smallfrown:

[SurlySeraph]

Well, I came here to bitch about how I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow, but I'll try.

What's the point? The point is to help people. The point is to make sure that as few people as possible feel what you're feeling right now. The point is to help people enjoy their lives and the lives of those around them. You can't do that if you're dead. At the risk of stating the obvious, if you kill yourself now you'll never feel better than this. If you live, you'll feel a hell of a lot better, probably very soon. I certainly find that I tend to have my best days within a week of my worst days.

I'm not sure when the last time I was truly happy was. Maybe you don't know either. But I remember the last time I saw a happy person. And I remember the last time I made someone happy. The last time I saw a happy person was Amy two hours ago, as she invited my roommate to go with her and a group of friends to go get some food and take a break from studying. The last time I made someone happy was Meredith, who's in my health policy class and was happy just to see me.

I wasn't in college last year, or high school. I took a year off. This was the worst decision of my life. I went months without talking to anyone outside my direct family. But before and after those months, I went on trips where I met amazing people, people I'm still good friends with. Many of them were people I thought I'd hate the first time I met them, but I quickly got to like them.

If you haven't tuned out my rambling by now, here's the message: no matter how isolated you are, you can find someone. You can find a lot of someones. All you have to do is go outside and talk to people. Doesn't matter who. Bartenders, grocery store checkout people, whatever. Who you meet depends on where you go and what you do. But if you're so alone, just go outside and talk to someone. You can get new acquaintances, new friends, new anything if you just go outside and look for them. It doesn't take any more effort than it takes to stand up.

So what if everyone you know is elsewhere? There are six billion people in the world, and a lot of the ones that you're going to meet are going to like you a lot more than the few that you've already met do.

Message? Everything gets better. No matter how much life sucks, if you put in a tiny bit of effort you can make it suck much less. You can even make it awesome, rather than sucky. You just have to accept when a day sucks, then make the next day awesome instead of continuing to whine about how much it sucked. If something's bad, change it. It's usually a lot easier to make yourself happy than you expect. And you can, in fact, make yourself happy. Stop thinking and go do something you want to do. Or if there's nothing you want to do, go to sleep. Everything's better in the morning.



And if that doesn't make you feel better, go look at some goddamn pictures (http://www.cracked.com/forums/topic/37001/1000-nice-cuddly-things/160) of (http://www.dailypuppy.com/) cute (http://www.cracked.com/forums/topic/23218/the-pwot-happiness-generator) animals (http://cuteoverload.com/). I defy you to read through all of those and not smile.

[Anuan]

Jacklu and Seraph have it right, man. There's a lot of good people out there, even if you don't know them yet.
The phone is there. You know how to use it. Make the right decision, get some help.

[Silence]

I'm putting this gun away, and going to sleep. I had a long day, and I think I just need some rest. I'll get back to you guys about this tomorrow. You guys are right; I really shouldn't be making these sort of decisions in the state I'm in.

But about people that won't stab you in the back or give up on you that are worth my time? I dunno.

[SMEE]

Put the gun away. Unload it and toss the bullets away.

If life is being dull, you need to take steps towards making it brighter.
The first thing would be talking to your dad after this incident. He shouldn't have left the gun on sight.
He will listen to you, and offer help. But he can't see what's going on with you. You're hiding it, and hiding problems ain't the way to solve them.

Put the gun away and call the suicide hot-line to calm down. They'll listen to you.
Then, once your parents get home, tell them what happened and tell them that you need their help. They'll come to your aid.

[Silence]

Thanks, SMEE ^^

[SurlySeraph]

But about people that won't stab you in the back or give up on you that are worth my time? I dunno.

You'll find some. The thing is, it's a lot easier to make friends if you act like your guard's down than if you act suspicious. If a lot of people have messed with you, that's hard to do. I find it's easier to act friendly while feeling paranoid than to stop feeling paranoid; rationalize it to yourself by thinking that if you don't seem to be on guard, anyone with bad intentions is less likely to hide their intentions, since they won't expect you to pick up on them.

And don't you give up on people too quickly. I've met plenty of people who I immediately wanted to punch in the face, and discovered that they were actually great guys because I stuck with them for long enough for their good sides to come out. Pretty much everyone has something great about them, and if you wait around long enough you'll see it. Of course, for some people you may decide it's not worth waiting. Which is fine. Who you spend time with is your decision.

[Moff Chumley]

Surly, couldn't have put it better. Silence, you owe it to yourself to be better than the bastards.

[The Extinguisher]

I'm a coward and an idiot, and the world would be a lot better off if I just lived alone forever, not contacting anyone.

I'm too scared to do anything about it.

I feel so alone right now.

[Coidzor]

Actually the world gets worse the more we withdraw from others.

If I recall correctly anyway.

[The Extinguisher]

Actually the world gets worse the more we withdraw from others.

If I recall correctly anyway.

Maybe. But then I wouldn't drag down everyone I care about.

[Silence]

Ugh... Morning, playground. I'm still alive.

[Anuan]

Good to hear from you, man. Proud of you.

If somebody could add my YIM and talk to me, that would be much appreciated. It's in my profile, I think. If not, it's the same as my MSN, minus the '@hotmail' etc.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

The price I pay for not having a computer of my own at the moment...

Silence, had I seen your post last night, I would have freaked out. As in, "GET TO A HOSPITAL NOW" kind of freaked out. :smalleek:

Look, buddy...I'm the guy who has no problem talking about his adventures to the "loony bin," and I can safely say there are usually two kinds. There's the "you're sick and need help, so we'll give you a room, meds, and meals, and watch over you until you're getting better" kind of place. And then there's the "you are a serious danger to those around you, as well as yourself, so we're going to put you in a secure place and make sure you don't hurt anyone" ward. Both take away a number of freedoms, but in the latter...well, you get to make almost no choices of your own...ever.

I was in the former. And while I could tell plenty of stories here, I already did on my regular blog. Take a look in October of 2008 for my "Suicidal History," as well as the start of my "Therapeutic History." In the Suicidal History, there's a section of Part 5 that describes the extent of freedoms one actually has there. It involves medications and my right to refuse them. I don't recommend this tactic often, but it worked out for me.

If you don't go to a hospital, seek out some other form of emergency aid. Keep the phone number of a suicide hotline on hand. Make an immediate appointment with a doctor. Do SOMETHING other than reaching the point where you're sitting alone with a gun, wondering what the point is to living.

Oh...and SMEE is 100% correct in that you should tell your father about the gun. He needs to secure it and keep that horrible temptation away from you. If you'd used it, you may well have shattered his heart when he came to learn it was his gun you used. DO NOT let that happen. Tell him, and then stay away from that thing.

I'm glad you made it through the night. Now go get yourself some help. Please?

[Dallas-Dakota]

Sooo I got my old psychologist back for meds(New recipe), due to her not working/me being shifted to other peoples.

Lot's of talking.

Two statements from her:
''My god, you're the perfect patient, this is what we strife for everybody here to reach''
Which makes me really happy, she said it after I explained to her as how I see the diagnosis of pdd-nos(rest group of authism) and ad(h)d rather as a chaotic part of myself that I have to work and live with then an illness that you need to battle.
and ''when I saw you in the list of possible patients, I went ''yay!''''
First thought: Wut? o.0
Second thought: Thenks?
Third thought: Should I be scared, offended or flattered?:smallconfused:

:smalltongue:

Also apparently I have a unique charm.:smallcool:

She particularly remembered me for that. A major part of my ''unique charm'' is being stubborn and argueing over minor details.

'Course that charm isn't really that heavy when I'm not dealing with psych's/therapists/etc. since I'm talking about my ''problems'' and such then.

But yeah, best conversation I've pretty much ever had with a mind poker.:smallsmile:

[Tar Palantir]

I'd been feeling a little depressed, but reading the last couple pages of this thread has really helped me put things in perspective (note, this is not an invitation for a goat-slapping; try it, and face the +3 lance and +5 longsword of the GOAT OF TERROR!!!!! (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/magicItems/wondrousItems.htm#ivoryGoats)). I am alone, I have been alone as far back as I can remember, and can foresee no significant possibility of ever ceasing to be alone in the future. I can empathize with others, but I cannot sympathize with them. I can understand exactly what they're going through, exactly how they feel, and simply not care. Most people find this offensive to a greater or lesser extent, particularly because I refuse to feign sympathy I do not feel. Because of this, I am alone. I dislike being alone, but I dislike being with people even more, so it is the lesser of two evils.

That being said, I have never been able to understand people who contemplate suicide (except insofar as understanding that they are not thinking rationally). It's like giving up in a game because you think you're going to lose. Even in the face of certain failure, you have options. You could pull off some last minute combo to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. You could ignore the enemy forces and dive for the gate. You could "forget" that -1 penalty from the Prayer spell he cast. You could distract your opponent and slip sleeping pills in his drink, and then walk off with his wallet while he's knocked out. Sure, that's "against the rules," but if you can't win within the rules, to hell with 'em. Play the game to win it, whatever a win is for you. Decide what it means to you to win, and remember that little truth they desperately tried to beat out of you, way back when: winning is, by definition, everything.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I
That being said, I have never been able to understand people who contemplate suicide (except insofar as understanding that they are not thinking rationally). It's like giving up in a game because you think you're going to lose. Even in the face of certain failure, you have options. You could pull off some last minute combo to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. You could ignore the enemy forces and dive for the gate. You could "forget" that -1 penalty from the Prayer spell he cast. You could distract your opponent and slip sleeping pills in his drink, and then walk off with his wallet while he's knocked out. Sure, that's "against the rules," but if you can't win within the rules, to hell with 'em. Play the game to win it, whatever a win is for you. Decide what it means to you to win, and remember that little truth they desperately tried to beat out of you, way back when: winning is, by definition, everything.
Because sometimes, playing the game isn't fun.
And breaking the rules would mean breaking the laws of physics/nature and/or going to jail.

>.>
<,<

[Tar Palantir]

Because sometimes, playing the game isn't fun.
And breaking the rules would mean breaking the laws of physics/nature and/or going to jail.

>.>
<,<

I suppose I can understand that, even if I can't exactly agree with it. The game's not always fun, but you've got to keep your eyes on the prize. If winning isn't fun, well, that's when there's a problem. And you're limiting your perspective too much about what rules you can break or bend. Customs, habits, traditions, stigmas, mores, functional fixity: the list goes on. The only constants are your goal and those rules which you are either incapable of breaking or cannot break without losing (either by making achievement of your goal impossible or otherwise rendering you unable to enjoy success; jailtime or execution being the foremost examples that spring to mind). There's always a new way to approach things, a new tactic or strategy to bring victory. You just have to be open to the possibilities. And maybe it's just me, but I'd rather fight a losing battle to the bitter end, hoping against all reason that I could find some way to pull a victory out of my ass, than surrender before the fight was done.

[bluewind95]

That being said, I have never been able to understand people who contemplate suicide (except insofar as understanding that they are not thinking rationally). It's like giving up in a game because you think you're going to lose. Even in the face of certain failure, you have options. You could pull off some last minute combo to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. You could ignore the enemy forces and dive for the gate. You could "forget" that -1 penalty from the Prayer spell he cast. You could distract your opponent and slip sleeping pills in his drink, and then walk off with his wallet while he's knocked out. Sure, that's "against the rules," but if you can't win within the rules, to hell with 'em. Play the game to win it, whatever a win is for you. Decide what it means to you to win, and remember that little truth they desperately tried to beat out of you, way back when: winning is, by definition, everything.

Except that, at least the way I see it, it's not like that at all. Life isn't a game where you can win or lose. Life is like a marathon where there are no "places" and everyone has a different endpoint. There's just the walking/running and the getting to the end of it. Those of us who contemplate suicide do not do so simply because we are "going to lose". We can't lose, there's no such thing as winning or losing. But picture this. A marathon, like I've said. But the track... it isn't a nice, flat track with pavement all the way. It's mountains, and valleys and yeah, the occasional grassland or meadow or other such nice terrain. And you're running. You know you're not at the end yet, you don't know when it will end, even. But suppose you get more than your fair share of mountain terrain... dangerous, jagged cliffs without so much as a rope. And you're expected to climb through that. And you try, except you fall down and break a few bones. But you continue running, yeah? Except this time you decide not to climb that mountain and just go around it. And here comes another runner, looks at you being all wounded and broken-boned and decides it's a great laugh to push you so you fall down as he/she walks by. If you'd been in great shape, you'd have been able to get up easily. But no, you have several broken bones still and it takes you ages to get up, and it's so hard and painful. And you get up and continue.. well, you can't run now. You go more slowly, still faster than walking, but not running. And every step you take is painful. And you can't help but bitterly remember that mountain you fell from. And you keep at it, and in between the pain and the bad terrain, you keep on slipping, falling, breaking more bones, tearing your muscles apart in an attempt to stay on the marathon. And you can't see the end line, no one can. And you look forward and what do you see? Oh, mountains, of course. Along with precipices and other really nasty terrains. Wouldn't most people eventually, if stuck in a marathon they cannot see an end to, and being totally battered, and seeing just more difficulties just want to retreat from the whole thing? That's really how I've seen the mentality work. Now... this doesn't mean it's the correct idea to give up on the race. Perhaps those mountains won't ever be in your path. You'll see them, but you won't be in them. And hey, maybe the other runners that cross your path won't throw you on the ground and stomp you. Maybe they'll actually be nice and help you, give you time for your wounds to heal. Who knows, yeah? But still... you can see, I think, where those of us who contemplate suicide get our ideas.

[Silence]

^one of the best posts I've seen in a while^

Well, I'm back home after school. Suicidal ideas out of my head, I still feel like poop right now. I've got relationship issues, school issues, parent issues, friend issues, and now depression issues.

But sersiously guys, I'm so happy about the responses I got last night by PM and on this thread. Talking to Jacklu helped me a lot, too. It helped me so much...

Ugh, well, I want to get this out of my head, so I'll complain for a minute here.

Relationship issues: Well, without going into massive background info, I had a long distance relationship for 6 months where we were REALLY REALLY close. It ended really badly last month. About a week later, I start going out with this girl, and soon realize that I was using her. I broke up quickly and up front. About a week after that, I start going out with Natalie. Now, I know what you're thinking, but Natalie and I really liked each other for a while, and we decided that maybe we should go somewher with it. Our relationship has been a very, very, very, VERY rocky road, and with the combine stress of Michelle, Kortney, and Natalie on my mind, this other girl wants to go out with me. The emotional side of my brain screams yes, while the logical side quietly mutters no... I want someone, but I NEED to be alone.

Parent issues: (Taken from an earlier post due to laziness) My parents, just like seemingly everone else's suck. They honestly don't seem to care about a word I say one the matter, and I can quote them saying that when they make a decision on something that involves me, they don't take any input from me. This is generally because I was born a contridictorian, and I can create and structure a fairly reasonable logical argument for anything at all. I really should go into politics :/

Anyway, we've been going through power struggles for the past frew weeks, and I finally took a break this weekend so I could use my computer (my only remaining "priviledge", mostly due to the music that I would be otherwise unable to access.), and let them do whatever, but the past few weeks have sucked. Every day it seems that they grow more and more idealistic and arbitrary, forcing me to hold my ground even tighter so not to let them win. Just the other day, I finally popped and stormed out of the house screaming "EFF YOU, EFF YOU, EFF BOTH OF YOU!" Except, I didn't say eff. I ended up spending the day with a friend, and went back in the morning. They disconnected my phone, my most prized possession. Seriously, you have no idea how attached I am to my phone. I talk to my friends for about two hours every night. Annnnnyway, bottom line: Screw my parents, they're idealistic, arbitrary [insert obsenity here] that need to take the stick out of their butt so I can take mine out, because that thing hurts like the nine hells.[/teenagerant]

School issues: Well, I'm not going to lie, I'm a smart guy, but I have no work ethic or motivation. I'm able to ace every test if I wanted to, but the hard truth is that I need to buckle down and do it, and I'm not. I get high Cs in most my classes, stuff that my parents aren't happy about.

Friend issues: Well, Michelle is now pregnant due to the second time a guy raped her, she was proposed to by someone I know won't be good for her, and she generally leads a very hard life. Kortney is hurting about our relationship, and about a new one. Natalie... Well, she's even worse than I am about our relationship. Ferret doesn't belive in dinosaurs. She's in total denial of life. My cousin, and best friend for life, the guy I played with growing up and pretty much spent my childhood with hates me, aaaaannnnnnnddddd that's just the tip of the iceburg.

To add on to all of that, I think I'm getting clinically depressed. Here I come, fourth daily medication!

[Moff Chumley]

Here's how I see it. The marathon metaphor is certainly applicable, but every few hundred miles, there's somewhere you can stop, catch your breath, have a nice meal, do whatever makes you happy. Now, you can't stay there forever. Maybe a day, maybe a week, maybe even a year. But while you're running and falling, there's the memory of your previous rest and the anticipation of your next to keep you going. There's no way to get to the next point if you just give up, and if you get really lucky, maybe you'll find a place you can stay for good. You don't know if such a thing exists, but you don't know until you've run as hard as you can, for as long as you can. :smallsmile:

EDIT: Silence, don't worry about the depression. Clinical depression, as far as I know, means very long stretches of mostly unprovoked helplessness and hopelessness. From what you've said, you have very good reasons for being miserable. Not, of course, that that means you should give up hope. Not for any rational reason, dig, so much as there not being any rational reason why not to.

[Silence]

Ninja'd you sukka!

[Ninja Chocobo]

If you're going through hell, keep going.

's good advice, yo?

[Moff Chumley]

What I was trying to say, in a nutshell. :smallbiggrin:

[Matticus]

Everyone seems to hate me these days. According to the popular opinion of my friends who like to keep insulting me I'm 100% a ****. I probably am, I probably deserve to be hated by everyone who knows me.
bar a few very precious people.

[Dracomorph]

Everyone seems to hate me these days. According to the popular opinion of my friends who like to keep insulting me I'm 100% a ****. I probably am, I probably deserve to be hated by everyone who knows me.
bar a few very precious people.

Why? What could possibly justify almost everyone hating you? I mean, unless you consume the delicious flesh and souls of newborn infants for second breakfast every day.

ETA: What I mean is, you're being silly. You don't "deserve" to be hated, no one does. It would take something truly worldshaking to make you an exception in this regard.

[arguskos]

Why? What could possibly justify almost everyone hating you? I mean, unless you consume the delicious flesh and souls of newborn infants for second breakfast every day.
Ohshi- they're on to me! >_> <_< :smallwink:

@Matticus: Not everyone hates you. I don't, for example. I'm certain you're a lovely dude. I've got a sixth sense like that (it's called optimism). :smallcool:

@Bor's most recent blog post: You know, I kinda actually disagree here. Yes, laughter can't take the place of biochemical needs, but for everything else (and there's a lot), laughter has ALWAYS been more effective than anything else for me. To be more precise, genuinely feeling wanted and happy for a little while really goes a long damn way in my mind. :smallsmile: Just a dissenting opinion. However, I can get behind the, "laughter =/= meds" train of thought.

[Matticus]

Why? What could possibly justify almost everyone hating you? I mean, unless you consume the delicious flesh and souls of newborn infants for second breakfast every day.

ETA: What I mean is, you're being silly. You don't "deserve" to be hated, no one does. It would take something truly worldshaking to make you an exception in this regard.

well I feel pretty effing unpopular right now.

[Dracomorph]

well I feel pretty effing unpopular right now.

Don't worry about that. Or rather, try not to. You seem alright to me, even if you did miss my one of my awesome jokes. Don't worry about that, either, most people do. At the worst end, you might need some new friends, 'cuz these don't sound like really good ones.

But above all, don't let anyone try to tell you that you deserve to be treated badly. You're a human being, just like anyone else, and you should be treated with basic respect and dignity, just like anyone else. Good friends would understand that.

EDIT: @v:smalltongue:You're smarter than a bunch of my friends, then.

[arguskos]

Don't worry about that. Or rather, try not to. You seem alright to me, even if you did miss my one of my awesome jokes. Don't worry about that, either, most people do. At the worst end, you might need some new friends, 'cuz these don't sound like really good ones.

But above all, don't let anyone try to tell you that you deserve to be treated badly. You're a human being, just like anyone else, and you should be treated with basic respect and dignity, just like anyone else. Good friends would understand that.
Dude, I got the joke. :smalltongue: You just ignored me though...

Anyways! I really agree with Dracomorph here. I've been on the wrong side of popular opinion nearly my whole damn life, and let me tell you something: it's way more FUN over here. Don't let popularity define you, let YOU define your own worth. If you believe you're worth something, you damn well are! Just convince yourself of that fact, and everything else will slough off like so much rain. :smallwink:

tl;dr: I think you're pretty neat, and deserving of kindness, respect, and friendship just like anyone else. Don't sell yourself short.

[Matticus]

Everyone seems to think I'm a serial killer. There's a girl I don't know who calls me "scary guy" every time I get on the bus home and some of my friends keep saying it. Over and over.
...I'm not sure how I'm supposed to sit there and take it all as a joke, because I don't find it even slightly funny.

[arguskos]

Everyone seems to think I'm a serial killer. There's a girl I don't know who calls me "scary guy" every time I get on the bus home and some of my friends keep saying it. Over and over.
...I'm not sure how I'm supposed to sit there and take it all as a joke, because I don't find it even slightly funny.
Well, other than NOT taking it quietly, you're not supposed to do a damn thing. Just tell them kindly to please stop that, it's bothering you.

Or, you can run with the joke, and say "you know, if I WAS a serial killer, you'd be my first victims cause of that joke, get the message?" Give a big wink as you say it, so it's clear you're joking. This is also me being morbidly funny though, so you might want to avoid that course of action. :smallwink:

[Matticus]

Well, other than NOT taking it quietly, you're not supposed to do a damn thing. Just tell them kindly to please stop that, it's bothering you.

Or, you can run with the joke, and say "you know, if I WAS a serial killer, you'd be my first victims cause of that joke, get the message?" Give a big wink as you say it, so it's clear you're joking. This is also me being morbidly funny though, so you might want to avoid that course of action. :smallwink:

I try both but it still bothers the hell out of me. In particular being presented with a list of people I'm not allowed to kill when I go on a rampage.
And being insisted I hear the list "just in case" when I say no, I'm actually not planning on massacring my school, thank you very much ms horrible person.

[Dracomorph]

Everyone seems to think I'm a serial killer. There's a girl I don't know who calls me "scary guy" every time I get on the bus home and some of my friends keep saying it. Over and over.
...I'm not sure how I'm supposed to sit there and take it all as a joke, because I don't find it even slightly funny.

SAY that. Mention that it hurts you when they make jokes like that, because they probably can't read your mind. If that doesn't work, make it very clear you're serious.

Maybe check your clothes to see if you dress scary, too. A small change in wardrobe can bring about a large change in reactions. If you want to look nonthreatening, tweed and corduroy are your friends.

Arguskos' advice is also valid.

[arguskos]

I try both but it still bothers the hell out of me. In particular being presented with a list of people I'm not allowed to kill when I go on a rampage.
And being insisted I hear the list "just in case" when I say no, I'm actually not planning on massacring my school, thank you very much ms horrible person.
Tell them to lay off, and be firm. There's REALLY nothing you can do other than that. If they aren't going to lay off the jokes, then avoid them. You take the bus? Take a later or earlier one instead. If they won't leave you alone like you ask, then just ignore and avoid them.

[Matticus]

Maybe check your clothes to see if you dress scary, too. A small change in wardrobe can bring about a large change in reactions. If you want to look nonthreatening, tweed and corduroy are your friends.

...usually I'm wearing my school uniform. Out of school I just wear jeans and a t-shirt most of the time.

Also how do you propose I say to a stranger "Stop saying those things, because it hurts me when you do"? ...that is rather emasculating.

edit to say: There's one bus that goes to where I live (1) and I have no other way to get home. I don't think the isolation does my sanity any favours either.

[Dracomorph]

...usually I'm wearing my school uniform. Out of school I just wear jeans and a t-shirt most of the time.

Also how do you propose I say to a stranger "Stop saying those things, because it hurts me when you do"? ...that is rather emasculating.

edit to say: There's one bus that goes to where I live (1) and I have no other way to get home. I don't think the isolation does my sanity any favours either.

All right, so it's probably not the clothes.

I meant tell your friends that it's hurting your feelings, because they're actually supposed to care. That might not stop them right away, but usually it'll start to at least peter off after that. The bus girl I'd try something like, "Could you please come up with some new material? The repetition is killing me." or "My name's [Matticus], not scary guy. What's yours?" If she's cute, you could potentially ask for a number here. (assuming you're single)

I'm sorry there's just the one bus, but some things internet people just can't fix. There's really no advice I can give for that.

[Matticus]

All right, so it's probably not the clothes.

I meant tell your friends that it's hurting your feelings, because they're actually supposed to care. That might not stop them right away, but usually it'll start to at least peter off after that. The bus girl I'd try something like, "Could you please come up with some new material? The repetition is killing me." or "My name's [Matticus], not scary guy. What's yours?" If she's cute, you could potentially ask for a number here. (assuming you're single)

Oh goodness, my being single is a whole other bag of angst I don't intend to open right now.
...and I don't have a phone. veto.
I can handle one person telling me I'm a serial killer at a time, but when four do in one day it really wears me down a bit. Blech. Although that was yesterday, just a bit of hate to make today worse.

[Jacklu]

Feeling overall bleh today. My cat is very old and will probably either be passing away soon or will have to be put down. v.v I luvs that cat so much.

[blackfox]

@Matticus: I kinda had the opposite problem in high school... people decided to try to mess with me because I was all innocent or naive or sensitive or whatever, and I dealt with that by scaring them off. When I got sick of that senior year, and people were all like 'DUDE you're the SCARIEST PERSON IN THE SCHOOL' I'd act bored and say 'Dude, I'm not gonna mess with you unless you keep up that stupid SCARY PERSON bull.'

@Jacklu: Aw, man, that sucks. :smallfrown: It's always really hard to lose a pet, and I know I'd get attached to cats. *huggles*

[Jacklu]

He drools... a lot. Like, he has ruined several blankets by falling asleep on them and drooling all over them. But yesterday I noticed that he is also bleeding for some reason. We couldn't find where from, but whenever he lays down, he leaves behind a small dab of blood. :smallfrown: My mom is taking him to the vet to see what's up. But if there is something medically wrong with him, we simply don't have the money to pay for treatment. Especially when he is as old as he is. =/

[Raewyn]

So the doggy Boyfriend and I adopted tried to violence the hell out of our housemate's dog. He's also scaring the cats silly and I don't think anything barring a Victoria Stillwell-esque intervention (the likes of which BF and I don't have time for with our schedules), is going to fix it. He was touted as an extremely low-maintenance dog by the shelter, though they kinda left out that he could get snappy (also dogs can undergo personality shifts after they leave the shelter).

So Boyfriend thinks it's for the best that we give him back, and while I think he's right, I still feel terrible ... :smallfrown:

Not that anyone's gonna read this...

[Jacklu]

*hugs*

That really sucks. =/ Unfortunately, behavior problems like that require lots of time and energy to train out. And even then it doesn't always work.

[The Extinguisher]

:frown:

I'm worrying about a friend. She's going through some tough times, and is feeling depressed. Talking with her today, she's decided to try and deal with it by letting someone else (specifically her boyfriend) take control of parts of her life just to make things less stressed out (specifically planning to see him, because her plans haven't been working out).

I am right to tell her that this isn't dealing with the issues, just pushing them aside? I don't want her to feel depressed, but I don't want her to just give up and let someone else make the choices for her. I think I screwed up, because she went to bed upset at me. I don't know what to do.

And to make matters worse, the talk reminded me of my own issues with the feeling. I can't even fix myself, why should I be helping someone else?
:sigh:

[Jacklu]

Bad news. Jacklu's cat has been acting sick and somewhat fragile lately. Partly attributed to his old age. But recnetly he has been getting worse, so this morning my mother took him in to the vet to get checked out. Turns out, he had rather advanced bone cancer and was apparently in considerable pain for some time now. :smallfrown: Rather than prolonging his pain further, my mom chose to have him put down. v.v I never got to give him a farewell pet or anything... T_T I miss mah kitty.

[HellfireLover]

Awwww, Jacklu. :smallfrown: *hugs*

[Jacklu]

The worst part is, I feel this terrible, and I don't have mah kitty to pet and and hug like I usually do when I feel bad.

[WalkingTarget]

I can handle one person telling me I'm a serial killer at a time, but when four do in one day it really wears me down a bit. Blech. Although that was yesterday, just a bit of hate to make today worse.

Hmm... are these always the same people and/or are they all together in a group? If they recognize that it bugs you that might be enough for them to continue doing it. Never discount the jerk factor. Edit - oh, reread the earlier posts you made... So one stranger says it then your friends latch onto it and keep harping on it? The friends should respond to a request to knock it off. If there's always one particular person you aren't familiar with who consistently calls you scary, that means she knows you enough to recognize you and you could probably get away with asking her to stop or at least why she thinks you're scary.

If not clothes, what else might it be that's prompting it?

I wear t-shirts and jeans almost exclusively when not at work and I found out that somebody who is currently one of my best friends thought "serial killer" when I first met her 11 years ago.

For me it's, apparently, a tendency to blink less often than is usual and a stoic demeanor (so it seems that I'm staring a lot while simultaneously giving the impression of an emotionless robot). Being "just a normal guy" who "keeps to himself, mostly" probably doesn't help my case much either. :smallsigh:

[golentan]

Man, I just had the worst bout of depression I've had in a long time. I woke up at 10. It's approaching 3, and I just got out of bed. I haven't left my room yet, and I'm not sure I want to. I'm so glad my job's hours are "When I feel like it" to "When I don't," or I'd be fired right now.

On the plus side, GitP has cheered me substantially.

[Raewyn]

D'aww, Jacklu. *hug*

[golentan]

I'm sorry Jacklu. Death is one of the hardest things, always. If you want to talk about it, we're here for you.

[Faulty]

This is sort of lame but I'm really depressed because I was having trouble understanding my Existentialism readings and I feel stupid and irresponsible. I missed class once and I feel like that's why I don't get this, or maybe I'm not smart enough or something is wrong with me or whatever. I dunno. I just suddenly feel like I don't belong in the Philosophy department and I just feel ****ty.

I also had to ask my room mate how to make pasta. I have a total lack in competance with like everything. It seems.

[Jacklu]

Thanks everyone.

Faulty: Don't feel too bad. Existentialism kicked my butt. Also, Jacklu has a hard time boiling water.

[Anuan]

I'm having trouble with Postmodernism in Literature, so...Don't feel too bad. Though the thing I hate about Postmodernism is THERE'S NO REAL MEANING TO THE TERM ARGH

[Faulty]

I just feel like I should understand it. I dunno.

[blackfox]

I'm having trouble with Postmodernism in Literature, so...Don't feel too bad. Though the thing I hate about Postmodernism is THERE'S NO REAL MEANING TO THE TERM ARGHGrade 12 English? I had to deal with that too. I never really understood how we were analyzing postmodern literature any differently than any other literature. Apparently we were. :smallannoyed:

College philosophy courses, in general, I believe are designed to kick everyone's ass halfway to the moon. I don't understand why there needs to be different schools of philosophy in the first place... as opposed to BlackFoxism or Jackluism or Faultyism.

[Jacklu]

I'm having trouble with Postmodernism in Literature, so...Don't feel too bad. Though the thing I hate about Postmodernism is THERE'S NO REAL MEANING TO THE TERM ARGH

You just figured it out. Grats!

[Anuan]

Why not Anuanism? Just because it sounds like Anurism? :smalltongue:
And yes, Jacklu, that's the point, but we have to give a definition of it and also describe how a text has postmodern themes.

Grr.

[blackfox]

Why not Anuanism? Just because it sounds like Anurism? :smalltongue:Indeed so. :smalltongue: Also, 'cause I fail at reading, apparently.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Cookiemonsterism?

[golentan]

Cookiemonsterism?

I would totally subscribe to that school. But only traditional Cookiemonsterism, not that newfangled Modernist Cookiemonsterism. "Cookies are a sometimes food" my left shoe!

[Dracomorph]

This is sort of lame but I'm really depressed because I was having trouble understanding my Existentialism readings and I feel stupid and irresponsible. I missed class once and I feel like that's why I don't get this, or maybe I'm not smart enough or something is wrong with me or whatever. I dunno. I just suddenly feel like I don't belong in the Philosophy department and I just feel ****ty.

I also had to ask my room mate how to make pasta. I have a total lack in competance with like everything. It seems.

I have three things to say, though only two of them could even potentially be helpful.

1) I find it just incredibly ironic that you're feeling bad because you don't understand existentialism.

2) Not understanding some of your readings isn't too big a deal; even the best of the best struggle with at least one part of their own subject. That's why there are teachers and other people around to help. It isn't that you're not smart enough, the material is just hitting your brain from the wrong angle. Missing class could be what did it, but you should talk to your professor about it either way. Professors seem to like it when students talk to them outside of class hours, from personal experience.

3) Any time you want advice or instructions on how to cook, I am THERE. I'm an enthusiastic (and pretty good, if limited range) home cook, and no one ever wants to talk recipes with me. As well, I think I'm one of maybe four guys I know who actually can cook, even a little. I've known people to burn soup. You are not alone with the complete lack of cooking.

[Silence]

Well, on the plus side of things, I have a rave Saturday night. A chance to forget myself and make out with my girlfriend (who incidentally just changed her relationship status to "It's complicated." Eff.)

[loopy]

Recent news:

- On meds to fix some chemical imbalance in brain. Apparently it could be linked to the mild form of bipolar I've got.
- Got referred by my GP to a psychologist. So I'm level 2 crazy! :smallbiggrin:

Well... In truth, the GP said it was because I was intelligent, something something (presumably not attentive), and genuinely seemed to want to get help.

Also back in contact with a girl who I have dubbed my addiction. If things go well, my life will get better... If things go badly... Well, I'm screwed, basically. (Not because I'm doing the whole "omg this girl is the one" thing, but just complicated history... stuff).

[Moonshadow]

I don't care about life anymore. Everything hurts too much.

I don't want to be here anymore, it's not worth it.

[Neko Toast]

I don't care about life anymore. Everything hurts too much.

I don't want to be here anymore, it's not worth it.

You shouldn't talk like that. Life has plenty of rough patches in it. I know this from personal experience. I just recently pulled myself out of a rough patch.

It may seem hopeless, and things may be emotionally and/or physically painful, but life does go on. Things will change for the better if you want them to. Nothing will change if you merely sit around waiting for it. You have to instigate it.

All of this is very generic and cliche-sounding, but it's still true. With that aside, you shouldn't worry us with talk like this. It usually results in a Playgrounder hunting you down, usually Bor.

[arguskos]

I don't care about life anymore. Everything hurts too much.

I don't want to be here anymore, it's not worth it.
No! Don't do it! We love you! Wait... this is like a bad movie....

Anyways, the advice stands. We like you. Things always improve, don't despair. I've been there a few times, it's never somewhere you want to find yourself, trust me. :smallwink:

Standing in the bathroom looking at a knife, wondering what it's like to die... I'd never trade those memories for anything, but I don't want to see someone else make the same decisions I did. Don't do it Naoto, you're worth sticking around.

[Recaiden]

I don't care about life anymore. Everything hurts too much.

I don't want to be here anymore, it's not worth it.

It is worth it. Don't even say things like that.

They're right. Things will get better. Just don't give up, keep trying.

[Moonshadow]

Knives are cliched and messy. I'd just OD on sleeping pills.

No one would even notice for a couple days.

I'm not worth having around. I'm useless, a mere shadow of a person. No one even acknowledges me unless they need something from me. I constantly hurt myself trying to be there and support people when they need me, yet if I need something, I push them away. I can't destress, I can't remove or forget the pain I feel. There feels like a constant, physical, tangible pressure in my chest most of the time.

I want it to end.

I want people to forget me so I can just disappear and not be a burden anymore.

[bluewind95]

Go and throw up. Now. Please!

Please, don't. Your post was as though it had been written by me. Please don't do that..

[Neko Toast]

Knives are cliched and messy. I'd just OD on sleeping pills.

No one would even notice for a couple days.

I'm not worth having around. I'm useless, a mere shadow of a person. No one even acknowledges me unless they need something from me. I constantly hurt myself trying to be there and support people when they need me, yet if I need something, I push them away. I can't destress, I can't remove or forget the pain I feel. There feels like a constant, physical, tangible pressure in my chest most of the time.

I want it to end.

I want people to forget me so I can just disappear and not be a burden anymore.

Depression has physical symptoms, you know. You should really go see a doctor about this. First things first, though. Call a hotline or something of that nature. You really need someone to talk to right now, and I don't think that the forums are going to quite make the cut.

[Moonshadow]

I haven't taken any. I'm just saying that when the time comes, that is what I would do.

It's a weekend, and I don't have time to talk to anyone, I have to be at work in an hour and I have to get ready.

[bluewind95]

Oh, thank goodness. I misread, yes. And kind of panicked there.

Don't do that, though. Ever. Please.

[Moonshadow]

Why not? I'm just some random, faceless excuse for a person, posting in a place where I'm liable to be forgotten 5 minutes after I say something.

I'm not important anywhere, internet, real life or otherwise. I don't feel valued, or special or anything. I feel like a literal shadow most of the time.

I try to be a good person, but 9 times out of 10, it doesn't matter.

I am not -worth- being here. It would be easier to be dead and forgotten.

[arguskos]

Why not? I'm just some random, faceless excuse for a person, posting in a place where I'm liable to be forgotten 5 minutes after I say something.

I'm not important anywhere, internet, real life or otherwise. I don't feel valued, or special or anything. I feel like a literal shadow most of the time.

I try to be a good person, but 9 times out of 10, it doesn't matter.

I am not -worth- being here. It would be easier to be dead and forgotten.
No, it wouldn't be easier to be dead and forgotten, because you'd be dead, and WE'D remember you. You say that no one cares or notices, but I know that I watch certain folks here, because I respect their opinions and want to know what they have to say about stuff. You're one of them, along with numerous others I like to hear from. That's the idea behind a community: we'd miss you if you were gone. Don't think we wouldn't. :smallwink:

[bluewind95]

Why not? I'm just some random, faceless excuse for a person, posting in a place where I'm liable to be forgotten 5 minutes after I say something.

I'm not important anywhere, internet, real life or otherwise. I don't feel valued, or special or anything. I feel like a literal shadow most of the time.

I try to be a good person, but 9 times out of 10, it doesn't matter.

I am not -worth- being here. It would be easier to be dead and forgotten.

It does matter because you're trying. And that alone makes you much, much better than so many other people who don't try and they're awful. The world needs more people who try to be good, not less of them!

[Moonshadow]

Trying isn't enough. It's never enough. I'm always a failure, a disappointment to everyone. I am a leech, a drain, a burden on all who associate with me. I'm not healthy to be around, and no amount of good I attempt to do is enough to fix things.

and now I have to go to work and be yelled at for hours.

[bluewind95]

Don't expect to be able to fix all things. Some things cannot really be fixed.

I think, in all honesty, that you continuing to try despite all is already a huge success. Huge. Many people would have given up already. So... continue trying. Continue being a success there. You may not feel it. You may not see it. But you being here already makes a difference. There's one more soul who's trying to do the right thing. The world needs more of those!

[Dracomorph]

Trying isn't enough. It's never enough. I'm always a failure, a disappointment to everyone. I am a leech, a drain, a burden on all who associate with me. I'm not healthy to be around, and no amount of good I attempt to do is enough to fix things.

and now I have to go to work and be yelled at for hours.

If I could start the yelling a bit early;

If I could reach you, I'd slap you and drag you to a psychiatrist just for suggesting that you don't deserve the life you have. I don't care how unhealthy you are to be around, no friend of mine gets away with saying they're worthless, and Naoto, you just volunteered to be my new internet friend.

You are not a leech. You are not a drain. You are a good person, going through some tough times. It happens to everyone.

We like you, we like having you around, and if I don't speak for everyone, I certainly speak for myself. I like you, and I don't give a damn what you want to say about it, I WILL MISS YOU WHEN YOU'RE GONE. I like your stories, or at least the ones I've read here, and I like hearing about how you're doing. So don't you kill yourself, or when I die, of natural causes or bear wrestling, I'll find you. And then I'll slap you and drag you to a psychiatrist anyway, so you won't get out of anything.

ETA, because it's important; You're right, trying isn't enough in the end. But it's all you can affect, and no one has the right to judge you based on luck. Therefore, trying your hardest is what it comes down to.

[Moonshadow]

I am most certainly not a good person, not at all.

Here, I am just an alias, a mask, a faceless entity, albeit one who complains a lot and wishes to die. My passing would not be noted, for inevitably someone else would come along who is worse off.

I am not special.

[Dracomorph]

I am most certainly not a good person, not at all.

All people are good until proven otherwise, chummer. And it takes a LOT of proof.


Here, I am just an alias, a mask, a faceless entity, albeit one who complains a lot and wishes to die. My passing would not be noted, for inevitably someone else would come along who is worse off.

I am not special.

Yes you are. And I would notice. It hurts me that you didn't take me at my word last time; you're my friend now, and I care about you. I don't have to know everything about your life to say that. Heck, I've known one friend of mine since kindergarten, and the most we've talked in the last 2 months was 2 sentences by email.

So, faceless mask alias or not, regardless of someone who is worse off, I don't want YOU to commit suicide. I want you to be around to talk the next guy out of it. And I want you to get some help, medical or otherwise.

Please.

[Recaiden]

I am most certainly not a good person, not at all.

Here, I am just an alias, a mask, a faceless entity, albeit one who complains a lot and wishes to die. My passing would not be noted, for inevitably someone else would come along who is worse off.

I am not special.

I can't say for sure that you're a good person. But I think you are. And you're certainly not as bad as you think.

Even when someone worse off came, we would remember you. I would remember you. It really doesn't matter that we only know you on this forum. We want you to stay alive, and get help for this.

[Silence]

I am most certainly not a good person, not at all.

Here, I am just an alias, a mask, a faceless entity, albeit one who complains a lot and wishes to die. My passing would not be noted, for inevitably someone else would come along who is worse off.

I am not special.

Refer to my suicidal post a couple pages ago. People say some very smart things to me there.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I am most certainly not a good person, not at all.

Here, I am just an alias, a mask, a faceless entity, albeit one who complains a lot and wishes to die. My passing would not be noted, for inevitably someone else would come along who is worse off.

I am not special.
Of all your recent posts, I chose this one, as it seems a summary to your woes.

Not a good person? Okay...What makes you a bad person? Do beat up Girl Scouts, kick puppies, or engage in cat juggling? Seriously...What makes you evil?

As for your alias, mask, and facelessness...By all means, point to the person here who is 100% committed to revealing all there is about themselves, other than me. Many here, especially the ladies, hide aspects of their existence for their safety, which is smarter than me, I suppose. Amazingly, that doesn't make them anything less. They remain people who hurt, are in need, and want solutions to their problems.

Your passing would not be noted? Tell that to the friends I'm sure you don't think you have, or the family you think doesn't care. If you commit the act of suicide, you won't see the reaction, but it will be intense. Perhaps more than you realize.

I had an episode in my life in which a girl cheated on me. I blew many mental fuses in that time, to the point of becoming quite the misanthrope, especially a misogynist. That behavior lost me many friends, and I made the effort to end my life. The aftermath was surprising.

The two most shocking responses came from my youngest brother and my father. The former showed up at my hospital room and cried. He cried! His actual attitude may have changed over the years, but at that time, my opinion of him was the same; he didn't care about anyone. And to see him in tears shook me. Prior to my suicide attempt, I thought he'd be glad to be rid of me. Yet there he was, shaken to his soul that I almost killed myself. The other response to my attempt was from my father. The exact quote from him, "If you had died, I wouldn't have been far behind."

And just when I thought no one cared.

Similar to my father's reaction, perhaps you've seen Spider-Man 3? There was a lovely young actress who play "Jennifer Dugan," the reporter during the climactic fight during the movie. Her real name was Lucy Gordon, and she'd become despondent over the suicide of a friend that had died recently. Lucy left two suicide notes before ending her life, which she did while her boyfriend was asleep, and he discovered her body.

You don't KNOW who will respond and how should you end your life. And it would be better not to find out.

"Someone else would come along who is worse off"? You didn't read that first post, did you? "3: YOUR PROBLEMS, WHATEVER THEY MAY BE, ARE NO BETTER OR WORSE THAN ANYONE ELSE'S! No matter how often it's repeated, someone always comes along and writes an approximation of, "My problems are petty and stupid and not worth posting." If such a statement were even vaguely true, your problems wouldn't be problems at all. Contemplating suicide? We're here to help. Strained relations within your family that are causing you to burn out? We're here to help. Your favorite MMO is being revamped in such a way that's it's causing an emotional meltdown? We are STILL here to help." This is followed by, "4: No better way to say this, so it's a cut-n-paste: We are friends helping friends. Our advice is not professional, nor is it always the best. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY!"

You only THINK you're not important. It's part of your suffering. You ARE of value, we DO care, and you need to get some help...NOW!

I peeked at your profile. You're 22. There is a long life ahead of you, with better things to come. This deep-seated desire to end your life is a symptom of an illness. Since we cannot make you do anything, all we can do is ASK - or more accurately, PLEAD - that you find a way to get some help before you make a terminal mistake. And a mistake it would be. Hanging out here will only get you the same message: GO GET HELP! So do it, and keep us posted on your progress. Okay?

Meanwhile, though it is sigged for me, I am giving you homework. It's two words, but in your current state, it won't be easy: BE WELL! :smallsmile:

[Neko Toast]

See? I told you that Bor would hunt you down.

In other news, I've discontinued therapy for the time being. I haven't been having overwhelming anxiety or depression as of late. I had a blight of horrible stomach problems (most likely IBS) for over a week, and after that I felt strangely... content. There were a lot of awkward and long pauses at my session on Wednesday because we didn't really have much to talk about. So I decided to "take a break", so to speak. If I start having problems again, I can always go back.

But man, that week and a half of sickness really took its toll on me physically. I dropped at least 10 pounds of weight, and my appetite has gone down as well, making my portions at meals a lot smaller. Also, I've been more tired during the day. Despite getting a decent amount of sleep last night (went to bed around 11-ish, woke up somewhere around 9:30), I still feel a bit tired. These things aren't detrimental to my life right now, but I can't help but feel a bit concerned.

[Pyrian]

But man, that week and a half of sickness really took its toll on me physically.It'll do that. Allow yourself some time to recover before you start worrying about it. Being extra tired after being sick, eating too little and losing a lot of weight is really quite normal.

[Moonshadow]

I've been like this for years, and no one on the real side has ever noticed anything.

Whats the point of trying to fix something thats broken, but nobody sees?

[Neko Toast]

Bah. I was so crazy happy yesterday, but now I have a worry that's been nagging at me for a couple of hours.

After catching up with my best friend over the weekend, a few realizations came back to me that had been pushed to the back of my mind for a few weeks. My best friend may be my only friend.

Now, let me explain this more thoroughly. My definition of a 'friend' is someone that I can hang out with and talk to comfortably, without having any doubts or negative thoughts of their opinion of me. This is how my best friend is. I believe that he truly genuinely likes me as a person, and him and I share a lot in common, and we can talk about anything together. And he's the only person that I feel this sort of connection with.

The biggest problem with this is that he is not a friend that I see often. We both attend separate colleges, so during school the most we usually do is send emails every now and then. And when I was catching up with him, he started talking about his plans for the future, like grad school, and wanting to teach in Alaska as his job... and I was scared. He's the only person I've been able to ever connect with, and the thought that in a few years I may never see him again really scared me.

And then I got to thinking about my relationship with people at school... I have doubts about everyone there. There's one person I can talk to occasionally online, but I only really see him once a week. Everyone else... either I doubt that they truly consider me a friend, or I don't consider them as a friend. I can't connect with anyone up there, and if I lose my best friend sometime in the coming years, then I don't know what I would do.

All of these thoughts are rushing in and I'm realizing how alone I really feel. This is something I should probably should have brought up with my therapist, but... I never felt comfortable around him, to be honest. I dunno. Maybe I should see someone else...

I'm afraid that, if these thoughts continue, they may lead to thoughts of suicide... I don't want that to happen. Despite how crappy things may seem to me, I've never felt so bad as to ending my life, because I think that my best friend would feel horrible if I ever did such a thing. But again, if in the coming years, he would leave and I would never see him again... I'm afraid of what might happen.

To think I thought that I was fine, and then catching up with my friend for a couple of hours causes all of these fears and worries to rush in again... I'm just really overwhelmed right now.

[Jacklu]

I've been like this for years, and no one on the real side has ever noticed anything.

Whats the point of trying to fix something thats broken, but nobody sees?

But somebody does see. You. Let me tell you about a little boy that needed to be accepted so badly that he was willing to do whatever it took to fit in. He learned how to make believe. To act. To put on a mask and blend in with whoever he happened to be around at the time. Over time, this acting slowly took over his life. Soon, he could be just about anybody he needed to to remain "average." He was good at what he did. And everything was perfect for him.

That is, until his life started to hit bumpy patches. "What should he do?" He asked himself. Why, what else, pretend and act it away, because people with problems are not people that others want to hang out with. And so that is what he did. The only problem was, he could only pretend that his problems weren't there. Sweep them under the rug where nobody could see them. Except that hiding them didn't get rid of them. It just gave them a dark place to grow and fester, getting worse and worse. And all the time, the little boy worked harder and harder to hid the problems from the world. From everyone that could possibly help him. Unfortunately, he was very very good at pretending. Nobody could see the deep, bleeding wounds he carried with him. And because of that, it began to appear to the boy that nobody cared about him. Why should he care about himself if nobody cared enough about him to see through his facade and to the problems he was hiding?

Time went on and the little boy got worse and worse, until one day, he stood in his kitchen with a knife in his hand and poisonous thoughts in his head. He still isn't sure what it is that made him put the knife back that night, but it saved his life. The next day, he did the most difficult thing he could possibly imagine. He took off his mask long enough to show his mother the wounds that had been afflicting him for so long. And something strange happened. His mother began to cry. She had been worried about him for so long, with no way of helping him because he had been working so hard to act like nothing was wrong. And because he opened up to her, he was able to get help.

What does this story have to do with you? Well, it sounds like you have the same problem I do. The same one that so many other have. You are very good at hiding your pain from those around you. Sadly people can be very bad at picking up on pain in others. Part of it is that it can be safer not to notice. Part of it is wanting to assume the best of a situation to avoid unnecessary pain. If you are hurting but nobody is noticing, then you have to speak up. For your sake, as well as theirs. Trust me on this one. There are few things in this world more painful than having a loved one commit suicide and blaming yourself for never having noticed that they needed help. Please, you know that you are in pain. You know that you need help. Speak up for yourself. Let them know what you are going through.


Draco: *hugs* I know all too well what you are talking about. My "friends" in this world are very small in number. Three. I had four, but one of them died two years ago. And of those, two I know for a fact would be distanced if I ever came out to them. =/ Please, if you feel this overwhelmed, take some time and get some help.

[Neko Toast]

Draco: *hugs* I know all too well what you are talking about. My "friends" in this world are very small in number. Three. I had four, but one of them died two years ago. And of those, two I know for a fact would be distanced if I ever came out to them. =/ Please, if you feel this overwhelmed, take some time and get some help.

I'm feeling a bit better now... I'm at least not feeling overwhelmed. But the distraught feeling is still there. I want to call up my friend to talk, but it's so late already, and I would feel like a bother because of all of the schoolwork he has. And I just told him yesterday that I was getting better... I would feel horrible calling him up and saying that I'm starting to worry again.

[Jacklu]

If he's as close a friend as you say, then it won't bother him at all for you to talk to him about it.

[Moonshadow]

...but if I speak up, it will just make things worse. Everyone will see how weak and pathetic I really am.

I'm already a burden, why should I make it worse for them?

[Recaiden]

It might make things worse. But it'll probably make things better. And even if you were weak or pathetic, people wouldn't think too badly of you.

If they're willing to listen, they won't mind.

[Jacklu]

...but if I speak up, it will just make things worse. Everyone will see how weak and pathetic I really am.

I'm already a burden, why should I make it worse for them?

I'll let you in on a secret. Everybody is weak. Everyone needs help sometimes. It is only the bravest of us that can get up the courage to admit it and get help. And trust me, nobody that really loves you will see getting you help to deal with suicidal depression as being a burden. And lets face it, you posted here, looking for help. And I promise you nobody here thinks you are weak or pathetic for it. In fact, personally, I see it as a mark of inner strength to know when it is time to seek outside assistance and reach for it. Please, get professional help, Naoto. None of us wants to see you hurt yourself. If the numerous responses to your posts don't prove that, then I don't know what will.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I've been like this for years, and no one on the real side has ever noticed anything.

Whats the point of trying to fix something thats broken, but nobody sees?
Despite wanting it to be so, people are not mind readers. Many will dismiss the visible signs of depression as you being moody, or an isolationist by nature, and not see it for the symptom that it is. If not for my fateful "official" suicide attempt, no one would have known I was suffering with severe depression.

Go to my regular blog. Look in October of 2008. My "Suicidal History" is there for the world to read. You will note that I detail my first attempt in such a way as to me genuinely terrifying...and also a waste of time. But without that attempt, no one would have known my pain...ever.

I have to say that I was lucky. All of my attempts failed. If I'd succeeded, I wouldn't have lived to make the wondrous friends that I have now.

You have some food for thought, and some reading to do. My "Suicidal History" is broken down into seven parts. Go take a peek and do some thinking on it. Then go get some help!

[Dracomorph]

...but if I speak up, it will just make things worse. Everyone will see how weak and pathetic I really am.

I'm already a burden, why should I make it worse for them?

I'm going to respond to this like I would to any other friend of mine; with some tough love and brutal honesty. Because I'm a jerk, but that's another story for another time.

Everyone already knows you're weak. Because everyone is weak. But they're probably hiding their knowledge so they don't scare you off, because you've made it clear by hiding your pain that you don't want help.

I've got a knack for spotting chinks in people's armor, and I can tell you that everyone has them, and the more they try to hide them, the more obvious they become. And the harder it gets for me to not just prick at them, right in the little crack. When they admit to their faults, suddenly I'm free not to think about them because I don't have to worry whether I'll hit one.

And that same idea applies to at least some of the people around you, I guarantee. They'll be relieved when you admit you've been having trouble, because they've had to studiously avoid mentioning it. Like Jacklu's mom. And like her, they want what's best for you, and right now that means getting some help.

[arguskos]

*sigh*
Quietly depressed. Just registering that I'm sad for no real reason. :smallsigh:

[Anuan]

Must...survive...next...thirteen days...argh...

[arguskos]

Must...survive...next...thirteen days...argh...
You know, I want to say something inspirational here, but all I can manage sounds stupid. Does the intent of "I feel your pain" help any? Cause, if so, yay. If not, sorry I can't be more useful. :smallfrown: Hope everything gets better Anuan.

[Anuan]

I'll be fine. Just expect a lot of ranting and pointless "ohcrapi'mgonnadie" until my final exams are over.
I hope you feel better soon, arguskos. You deserve it.

[arguskos]

I'll be fine. Just expect a lot of ranting and pointless "ohcrapi'mgonnadie" until my final exams are over.
I hope you feel better soon, arguskos. You deserve it.
1. Good. :smallsmile:
2. Doesn't feel like it. *sigh*

[Anuan]

All contact details are in my profile. Contact me nao. NAO AH SEZ.

[Silence]

Ah, well, yesterday was... interesting to say the least.

So, to start things out, I went to a rave. It was a pretty softcore one; no drugs, no sex, nothing like that. Fun stuff, nevertheless.

My girlfriend meets me there, and she basically says she doesn't want to hang out with me at the rave.

:smallannoyed:

She gives some bullcrap excuse about wanting to hang out with her friends, but after her lying to me throughout our entire relationship, I see through this instantly. I ask her for the truth; there's something I did, or something wrong in our relationship. She's really not a subtle person if you pay attention to her body language.

I eventually break up with her (this would be about the third time in a month), and tell her that I can't take any more of her lies, and if she wants to talk to me, she can at least give me the respect and decency that any human, let alone her boyfriend, deserves, then leave and go raving.

About halfway through the rave I come back to the lobby area, and talk to her again, coming back to her like a lost puppy, begging for forgiveness.

I'm so dumb. Incredibly, unbelievably, dumb.

We talk for a moment, then we catch each other looking into each others eyes.

We kiss.

God, I can't say how good I felt for a moment there. I could have died happy. I wish a sniper had just taken me out through the window at that moment. But, no one did, and she proceeded to tell me that she only wants to be friends.

We cuddle on the couch for the next twenty minutes, and talked. My lips were wet with tears when they met her's again, and again, and again. I whispered in her ear that it was like a Fall Out Boy song gone wrong, to which she responded that all FOB songs went wrong. She left after those twenty minutes, saying she couldn't stand it any more. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." She said to me after one final touch of mouths.

That was my first kiss.

I know why I did it. I did it because I'm dumb. I'm stupid. I'm a fifteen year old guy. Why she did it is still a mystery to me....

I decided to forget that for a few hours, and put off my feelings until I was home. It was a pretty good rave; I gridded with this girl for about twenty minutes straight (no kidding), and gave her my name so she could look me up on Facebook. She still hasn't sent me a friend request, but I don't really care. I had a good time.

I cried myself to sleep after one of the best nights of my life, if you don't count the bad.

So now I'm left with only memories... This makes me think of a song....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGpbd6BUO0I

The similarities scare me.

[loopy]

So, to start things out, I went to a rave. It was a pretty softcore one; no drugs, no sex, nothing like that. Fun stuff, nevertheless.

On the bright side, woo, you went to a rave. There is another raver on the boards! :smallbiggrin:

I didn't know that raves without drugs existed though, haha. Of course, seeing as you are 15, and (I'm assuming) it was an "under-18" event, that isn't really that hard to comprehend.


My girlfriend meets me there, and she basically says she doesn't want to hang out with me at the rave.

Saywhat??

Well... Don't have much to say to that, since you have already broken up, but it was a sure sign of trouble.


I eventually break up with her (this would be about the third time in a month), and tell her that I can't take any more of her lies, and if she wants to talk to me, she can at least give me the respect and decency that any human, let alone her boyfriend, deserves, then leave and go raving.

Sounds good, but third time in a month? On/off relationship. Ouch. :smallfrown:

Nice sentiment though, I've said similar words myself...


About halfway through the rave I come back to the lobby area, and talk to her again, coming back to her like a lost puppy, begging for forgiveness.

I'm so dumb. Incredibly, unbelievably, dumb.

Of course, I've also done this. :smalltongue:

Now, in my experience, girls can fall out of love with you for plenty of reasons, but one of the main ones... Well, when a guy has become too clingy, too passive, etc.

Basically, its a signal that she's got you. No chase left in it any more. A bit of conflict (a small amount) is required for attraction, especially in early-stage relationships.


We talk for a moment, then we catch each other looking into each others eyes.

We kiss.

God, I can't say how good I felt for a moment there. I could have died happy. I wish a sniper had just taken me out through the window at that moment. But, no one did, and she proceeded to tell me that she only wants to be friends.

Ah, hormones. :smallbiggrin:


We cuddle on the couch for the next twenty minutes, and talked. My lips were wet with tears when they met her's again, and again, and again. I whispered in her ear that it was like a Fall Out Boy song gone wrong, to which she responded that all FOB songs went wrong. She left after those twenty minutes, saying she couldn't stand it any more. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." She said to me after one final touch of mouths.

That was my first kiss.

Hey mate, at least you remember yours. Mine was stolen from me at a club when I was 18. Don't even know her name. :smalltongue:


I know why I did it. I did it because I'm dumb. I'm stupid. I'm a fifteen year old guy. Why she did it is still a mystery to me....

Without knowing the girl, I can't give you a solid reason, other than "them wimmenz is strange creatures". I'd read the above thing about girls falling out of love again though.


I decided to forget that for a few hours, and put off my feelings until I was home. It was a pretty good rave; I gridded with this girl for about twenty minutes straight (no kidding), and gave her my name so she could look me up on Facebook. She still hasn't sent me a friend request, but I don't really care. I had a good time.

Excellent work mate! I'm proud of you. Straight back on the figurative horse, and you didn't even let it ruin your night.

I like how you aren't caring about the girl too much either, but here is my advice for the future. Get *her* number and Facebook details. Then contact *her*. Shows directness and confidence.


I cried myself to sleep after one of the best nights of my life, if you don't count the bad.

*manly hug and backslap*

Overall man, you did really well. I am genuinely impressed about how collected you were through a pretty difficult situation. Wish I'd had that when I was 15.

I'd like to hear more about the event though. Shoot me a PM. :smallsmile:

[Silence]

Thanks! I shot you a PM.

[Winthur]

Y'know...

Something important happened to me.

I've regained my self-esteem.

I'm not even too sure when it happened. Not sure how it happened.

The only thing I lack now is the inspiration to get off my butt and start doing something.
I've realized that my shortcomings are not the lack of intelligence, but motivation. I'm just lazy.

I've taken some exercise. It builds up my confidence more.

Even the simple act of dumping it all there helped me out. Like a load of burden taken off my chest.

Now, I feel I have plenty of opportunities to succeed in my life. It didn't work that well at the chess tournament where after crushing our opponents in a local tourney we were robbed off our 1st place by half a point in a county championship. But it's a change by 180 degrees.

I'm amazing. I don't *try thinking* I am. Do, or do not. There's no try.
I am amazing. :smallbiggrin:
So, thank you, all. :smallsmile:

[Silence]

Dude, that's awesome! I'm really happy for you!

Edit: Ugh, just feeling like crap every moment of every day... Would help if I had a single thing planned in the next five days...

[lord of kobolds]

:smallsigh: Things aren't going well, anymore. There's three of major issues, and I'll go through them from least important to most important.

1) My school has been hit with the plague. At any given time, for the past couple weeks, at least 10% of the school has been out sick. And, on top of that, we've had our first confirmed case of piggy pox (swine flu). I have not gotten it myself, but I've become paranoid, wondering when I'm going to get it. On top of this, I have another ailment. I don't know what's causing it, but for a solid week and a half, I've been fatigued, II've had a low-grade headache almost the whole time, I've been irritable, etc. I think it may be an onset of my depression, but since I don't have a fever, the nurses think I'm faking it.

2) Chemistry class. I should be a bit more specific. My chemistry teacher. He has made it fairly clear since my freshman year that he doesn't like me (I am now a junior). He is one of the staff who do "dorm duty" in my dorm, which involves making sure rooms are clean, making sure people study during study hall, etc. All last year, whenever he was checking room cleanliness, he would always be rude and insulting when he stepped into my room. I will be the first to admit that I'm not very tidy, but that was no excuse for sarcasm. Last spring's incident only served to add to his dislike of me. He seems to resent the attention I got, and still get, from that. As if I enjoyed the whole experience. Now that I'm actually in one of his classes, he can do even more to me. He micromanages if he sees that I do anything that is not exactly the way he wants it (for instance, he berated me for leaving the title of a graph bold), he will give assignments with no real explanations of what he wants, and then work individually with everyone EXCEPT ME. I actually like the subject, but I might just have to switch out of the class because I can't take the teacher.

3) The scool has changed. Everyone who was here during May knows how important it was to me to come back to this school. When I was allowed to do so, it was an incredibly joyous experience. So imagine my surprise when I come back to find that it is an entirely different place. What was a school devoted to acceptance, diversity, and happiness has become a copy of 1984. There is no trust anymore. Every little infraction of the tiniest rule is attacked. Well, almost every rule. The school still totally ignores the massive smoking population. It is at the point where about 40-75% of the students are smoking. And the administration doesn't punish them, saying things like "we need to provide a supportive environment for them to quit". Now, I wholeheartedly agree with that, IF they actually plan on quitting. In addition to this, they have set up dorm comptitions, which have not led to fights yet, but are already well on their way. This is only a small list of the changes, but I just can't keeping typing this.

[Jacklu]

I can't sleep. I can barely breath. I just spent the last three and a half hours talking an essentially random stranger down from suicide. It ended with the paramedics arriving at his apartment and taking him to the hospital to treat his self inflicted wounds. I am praying so hard that he is either getting help, or it was an extremely elaborate ruse on his part, taken to such an extreme that I would be worried about him even if it wasn't real. I am so emotionally and mentally blown right now... There it a very good possibility you won't see me around for a couple days. Thank God I have no school for the next couple days.

Anyways, I'm just popping in to say, if any of you put me through this, I will find where you live, hunt you down, and personally drag you to the hospital myself, got it? :smallfurious: :smallfrown: :smalleek: T_T

Seriously, please don't ever let yourselves get to the point where you life hinges on the persuasive skills of somebody you met by chance on the internet to get you to call an ambulance before you bleed out in front of your computer.

I'm going to go cry and sob until I pass out from exhaustion now.

[Anuan]

I've been in a similar situation, Jacklu. One was a very elaborate ruse a few times, which resulted in my first post in the DP thread. A few people were literally suicidal but I ended talking them down before it got that far.
One I never heard from again. It's not a nice feeling, especially since I'll never know if they did it or if we lost contact or if it was an elaborate ruse, or...something. :smallsigh:

Anyway what I'm trying to say is I'm here if you need to talk about it bro.

[Ninja Chocobo]

So I'm on antidepressants now. Whee. That won't actually start working properly for like a month. Whee.
Oh well. I've made some rather good beer that'll tide me over until then.

[Rettu Skcollob]

@Slayer_Draco

There's a bunch of people that have their MSN's in their profiles and sig's (Myself included) that I'm sure would love to meet someone new, if you're ever feeling alone. I know that I only have maybe 2 real friends I know I could count on, and I'd go insane if I didn't have all the people on this forum and/or my MSN list to talk to. I know it's not the same as someone being there to hang out with, but it can't hurt, can it?

[Jacklu]

I'm alive. Slept till 3 in the afternoon, but I'm alive. I am going to be spending the remainder of the day in bed, however. :smallsigh:

[Tiger Duck]

Good for you, I'm happy you are still with us.:smallsmile:

[Mr. Mud]

:smallsigh:. I can't stop procrastinating. I don't even have much work today (oddly enough) but I literally don't have the required willpower to get out of the chair and do something...

I really hate my lack of willpower... :smallfrown:.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I feel your pain, Mud.

Sadly, I'm busy procrastinating from trying to find the cure to procrastination. >.>

[Mr. Mud]

I feel your pain, Mud.

Sadly, I'm busy procrastinating from trying to find the cure to procrastination. >.>

:smallfrown:. It's just of late I've been trying to get all my work done, and I've succeeded, without procrastination. But that just makes me want to put everything off even more, so I procrastinating all at once. It's like the binge eating disorder of lazy :smallfrown:.

[arguskos]

I... am weak. I should be staying away, recharging my mental and emotional batteries, but I just can't do it. Without this site to occupy my time, I literally have NOTHING to do in my free time. :smallfrown: I feel pathetic and alone, probably because I am.

[Jack Squat]

I... am weak. I should be staying away, recharging my mental and emotional batteries, but I just can't do it. Without this site to occupy my time, I literally have NOTHING to do in my free time. :smallfrown: I feel pathetic and alone, probably because I am.

So...you don't love us? :smallfrown:


:smallwink:

I know how you feel, man. I sit at home browsing this site (and a few others) all the time. Sometimes I wish I had more of a social life, but when I do have one, I remember how expensive it is.

If you want to have something to do in your free time, call up someone (or some people) and see if they want to do something...even if it's just coming over and playing Brawl/HALO or watching a movie. You're really not going to get around to feeling any better about not having anything to do but be on this site if you're on here talking about it.

[arguskos]

So...you don't love us? :smallfrown:
Course not, cause you're all a bunch of horrible heathens and scum. Kidding, kidding. :smallwink:


:smallwink:

I know how you feel, man. I sit at home browsing this site (and a few others) all the time. Sometimes I wish I had more of a social life, but when I do have one, I remember how expensive it is.

If you want to have something to do in your free time, call up someone (or some people) and see if they want to do something...even if it's just coming over and playing Brawl/HALO or watching a movie. You're really not going to get around to feeling any better about not having anything to do but be on this site if you're on here talking about it.
Yeah... I dunno. It's not like I don't like it here, I just feel bad because I lack the willpower to stick to something I said I was going to do. :smallfrown: It's not that I lack a life totally (just mostly), but more that I lack the will to follow through with something I was going to do, you know?

[Mr. Mud]

Yeah... I dunno. It's not like I don't like it here, I just feel bad because I lack the willpower to stick to something I said I was going to do. :smallfrown: It's not that I lack a life totally (just mostly), but more that I lack the will to follow through with something I was going to do, you know?

Same. As I Asaid in an earlier post, I start things, and actaully get them done for a while. Which is a great feeling, but then I get tired of it, and still push through. Then I hit the point (where I am now) where I've put in so much work, I just want to recharge for a week and completely shut down. It's horrible. I dunno what to do with my spare time, when I have it, because I always get caught up with the computer, or just sitting around doing nothing. I have absolutely no motivation.

I'd recommend finding something. Like writing an a long campaign setting, or homebrewing a world, or learning to woodwork, or joining a local writing group; and then just doing it. Commit yourself, and you'll be glad you did later. Alternatively, maybe get together with friends a bit more often?

[arguskos]

I'd recommend finding something. Like writing an a long campaign setting, or homebrewing a world, or learning to woodwork, or joining a local writing group; and then just doing it. Commit yourself, and you'll be glad you did later. Alternatively, maybe get together with friends a bit more often?
See, I was working on my setting about 6 months ago, but I just got caught up in other stuff, and lost my will to work on Z-R (abbreviated name). *sigh* I should do SOMETHING productive, shouldn't I? :smallsigh:

[skywalker]

I know how you feel, man. I sit at home browsing this site (and a few others) all the time. Sometimes I wish I had more of a social life, but when I do have one, I remember how expensive it is.

Hey, we try to keep it cheap! Or were you talking about something else social? Is that why you didn't come Wednesday?


Yeah... I dunno. It's not like I don't like it here, I just feel bad because I lack the willpower to stick to something I said I was going to do. :smallfrown: It's not that I lack a life totally (just mostly), but more that I lack the will to follow through with something I was going to do, you know?

Here's a thought, from my point of view. You like it here, right? You like the people and the conversations you have, right? Is there something that this site is keeping you from doing? I kinda doubt the site is keeping you from a social life (or anything else). My point here is, don't beat yourself up for not following through on your plan. You made a (no offense) bad plan. It's like if you hate running, and you decide to run a marathon. You gain nothing out of training for months and then putting yourself through hell, except that you can say you ran a marathon. But you tortured yourself for months! Why not set a goal you like (like writing a short story, or something, I'm just making these up based on my image of the average user of this site), and then it will be much easier to do, and you will feel fulfilled when you finish, instead of feeling the hollow triumph of "I made myself do something I didn't want to do!"

In summary, as long as the site isn't keeping you from something (maybe it is, but I think not, as Sneak said in the Goodbye thread, "I realized that if I was going to procrastinate, it might as well be here"), then why leave? Why create an artificial "goal" that hurts you to attain? Stop beating yourself up for doing something you like.

And you aren't alone, you have all of us. You should know from your closeness to Bor's situation that, especially on GITP, you are not alone when you have the internet.

[Mr. Mud]

See, I was working on my setting about 6 months ago, but I just got caught up in other stuff, and lost my will to work on Z-R (abbreviated name). *sigh* I should do SOMETHING productive, shouldn't I? :smallsigh:

Well, then, get cracking. *hands pen and the generic spiral notebook*

[Jack Squat]

Hey, we try to keep it cheap! Or were you talking about something else social? Is that why you didn't come Wednesday?

Nah, I didn't come last week because I had to take care of some things before break. If I was feeling cheap with you guys I'd just not have ordered anything :smalltongue:

I was more of referring to the $90 (~1 week pay for me) I spent Thursday and Saturday on movies, paintball, bowling, and misc. other activites/supplies over the 3 days I wasn't working during Fall Break. Save the meetings and Halloween(maybe), I don't think I'm going to be doing anything overly social until after Christmas.

[Amiel]

I don't particularly have much advise or any issues to vent; I'm a happy go lucky guy that can see the bright side to most things, usually.

However, I would like all of you to know that at least one person loves you and thinks this of you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_l_A6-7td0).

When you feel all is darkness and pain, remember that love can move mountains, it can divide oceans, it can shape worlds, and even if you feel that no one likes you or wishes ill upon you, you are always and always will be loved (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOBcwJbKOdY).

As a parting thought, remember the world moves for love, it kneels before it in awe and that we have within ourselves enough to fill the present day with joy, and overspread the future years with hope.

We can feel depressed that a rose has thorns or we take joy from existence by seeing its flaws and knowing that thorns are beautiful enough to have roses.

[Anuan]

knowing that thorns are beautiful enough to have roses.

Stealing this, putting it in my facebook status because I agree with it so heartily.

[arguskos]

Well, then, get cracking. *hands pen and the generic spiral notebook*
Yeah, yeah. Something like that. :smallwink:

@skywalker (man, you must get a lot of "I am your father" jokes): It's not based in reason, because, as you so rightly observed, reason says that I should stay, cause it's fun and I'm not hurting myself doing it. However, my hindbrain, the part that is irrational and crazy, says "AUGHPEOPLELIKINGME?! RUNFORTHEHILLS!! AUGH!!!" And, like a dunce, I obey (it's cause I'm thick). *sigh* It's just another battle I get to fight with myself, like waking up in the morning, not killing myself from time to time, and other such depressed confrontations each day. :smallsigh:

Thank you though, you, Jack, and Mud all. It's appreciated.

@Amiel: Back to homebrewing gods dammit! *cracks whip* :smallwink: Nah, that was lovely. Not the song mind you, which I wasn't a fan of, but your words, which are wonderful. It means more than I can explain. :smallredface:

[Closet_Skeleton]

Right now I just want somewhere to go cry, but I don't feel like there's anywhere at my University where I can do that. I'm probably not going to go home until Christmas because whenever I look at the train fares I feel that I don't want to spend around £50 just to see my parents. Expecially when I feel like I've spent too much money already. It's isn't like I could cry at home either because my parents would just try and make me stop crying, as though treating the symptoms stop the problem. So the only time I could cry is if I went home and my parents went out sailing or whatever and I'm definately not spending £50 just to not even see my parents.

I keep meaning to go to the University nurse or Chaplain or whatever they have, but I get so little sleep that the only thing I want to do after lectures is go back to bed. I've missed the beginning of lectures twice now because they'd already started by the time I woke up. I thought I got a good night's sleep last night but I was completely smashed after being awake for only a few hours and had to have a nap from 7-9pm. Sometimes I feel like if I could just be awake then I wouldn't have any problems but I know it's not true. Other times I wonder if I'm not really tired at all and my shyness and low self esteem is just making me think I'm tired as an excuse.

I've met a few acquaintances here that probably have lower standards for defining "friends" then me, but I mainly just find them annoying and wouldn't want to talk to them about anything that's bothering me. Some times they ask me "why are you like that" but I can never think of an answer. Maybe "why" just isn't the write question or maybe I'm just too shy to say anything. If I say that I'm shy or that I'm depressed or that I don't like people they just say "so what? I'm the same and I manage to do stuff".

Part of me is scared of meeting people incase I develope a crush on one of them. I've only had two real serious crushes in my life and that might not sound like enough to form someone's opinion but I really don't want to go through the whole experiance again until I've dealt with other problems.

I feel like I don't have any passion, drive or ambition. This is a problem on a film course where that's all the teacher's seem to talk about. I knew this would be a problem but my parents told me I had to either go to University or get a job and I didn't want a job or to do some course I had no interest in. I had an interview to get into a differant university where I'm sure I came off as not really interested in the course and I still get a bit despressed about it even though the university I did get into does the same course and is probably better. I went through sixth-form not really caring at all about my classes and just trying to talk to a girl I had a crush on, which I never really did. I broke down crying during an exam because she was in the same room as me and had to retake it the next year. Right now the only thing I really care about is if the stuff I ordered a week ago is ever going to come in the post and that makes me think "I have a project to do and I'm doing the course I want to do, why do I only care about some stupid toys?" I feel like I always care too much about the wrong things.

I have stuff I want to do. I want to learn to draw better, I want to redraft the book I wrote over my gap year, I want to write some screenplays based on some ideas I've been having for a couple of years, I want to get a girlfriend, but I can't summon up any perseverance or motivation for them.

[Mystic Muse]

well I'm slightly depressed because of my cousin/. I normally wouldn't care, people's beliefs generally don't offend me. However, one of them who's also a pretty good friend has Recently stated something that greatly offends me. it's a hate message so I won't post it here. One of the main problems is the groups he's targeting when he is saying this represent several of my friends or people I consider friends like you guys. He's generally a pretty good friend but it's something I just can't seem to look past. I meet with him every week is another problem.

anybody have any advice?

also. *hugs closet skeleton* I'm sorry you're going through that.

[Jacklu]

I'm dying. That is about the only way to describe this. I am so emotionally fatigued and burned out that I can't even manage to but up the customary mask of being okay at my classes today. There is this steadily growing hollow pit at the bottom of my stomach and it feels like it is going to consume me entirely. I am so desperate for any kind of physical human contact right now that it is almost physically painful. I honestly don't know what to...

[Tiger Duck]

I'm so very sorry to hear that. But I fear that you are a bit to far away for me to come over and hug you.:smallfrown:

[Jacklu]

I'm so very sorry to hear that. But I fear that you are a bit to far away for me to come over and hug you.:smallfrown:

You and just about everyone else that actually gives a damn about me. :smallfrown:

It is bad enough that when a random person happened to put their hand on my shoulder in passing, I just about melted with how wonderful it felt. I almost leaned against them and gave them a hug. Which would have been terribly awkward, I'm sure.

[Falgorn]

I'm dying. That is about the only way to describe this. I am so emotionally fatigued and burned out that I can't even manage to but up the customary mask of being okay at my classes today. There is this steadily growing hollow pit at the bottom of my stomach and it feels like it is going to consume me entirely. I am so desperate for any kind of physical human contact right now that it is almost physically painful. I honestly don't know what to...

Oh, Jacklu! I hope you feel better...
I'm sorry.:smallfrown:

[arguskos]

Oh dear. Jacklu, if you'd like to talk, I'm always about. I likely can't really help much (unless you live in Dallas, Texas, in which case I actually can), but I'm around if you want to talk. :smallredface:

[Xeluu]

Hey all, just felt the need to write this somewhere where others might read it.

Quick background info: In March this year I adopted a dog that I quickly fell in love with. Her name was Melody. When I adopted her I knew she was injured, and after the paper work was official and she went in for her spay I found out her injuries were more serious than I though. Her pelvis was separated from her spine, along with a right hip injury. They asked if I still wanted her, and of course I said yes, I already loved her.

Fast forward to June, after working with multiple trainers, a behaviorist, and multiple vets and medications I made the heart wrenching decision to have her put down. She had so many behavioral problems (mostly aggression) and I'd exhausted my resources to attempt to help her.

So, I'd been doing fairly well all things considered. Took one or two days off of work (part time job, boss was very understanding.) and went back to my normal schedule. A month or so later I adopted another dog.

Well, I'm a dog trainer at the local Petco now because of her, and I feel like I'm really making a difference in the life of other dogs, and I'd say 95-98% of the time since June I've been okay.

Today? Not so much. At some point I decided I wanted to hopefully get in some good snuggle time with one of my dogs (Melody was 100% a snuggler. We'd lay on the ground chest to chest.), and during my Transpersonal Psych class we watched a video on the "shadow". In said video it was showing and talking about what people had gone through and how it shaped what they were now.

I'd have never thought to become a dog trainer were it not for Melody. The private trainer I hired liked my knowledge so much that she referred me to Petco to become a trainer. (She mentors for them.) I literally started crying during the video, and was very close to having to stand up and walk out of class. As we discussed it I actually had to stop in mid sentence multiple times to calm myself enough to speak again.

So I left psych more or less feeling like crap. Then I had to go and put on an appearance at Petco. Luckily there was no class I was teaching tonight, but it was a tiring 5 hours.

And now I've spent the last hour or so crying, in addition to all the other crying I did today. (In class, while driving, etc.)

I felt like I was doing so well coping, but today I miss her like hell. It made me re-question whether or not there wasn't SOME method I didn't try, some medication I didn't find.

And the icing on the cake? I came home to my cockatiel having rather labored breathing. I haven't checked on her in a few hours, and I honestly will not be surprised if she's no longer with us in the morning.

Just feels like my world came crashing down today. I'm glad I have an appointment with my therapist this Friday. Just felt the need to vent somewhere where someone out there might listen. Just one more day til Friday.


Edit: As of a minute or so before 2AM Pacific Time my poor cockatiel has passed on. I feel blessed to have been able to hold and hopefully comfort her in her final moments. Not more than thirty seconds after removing her from the floor of her cage did she pass on.

[Anuan]

Aww, I remember Melody...
I'm sorry about your pets, Xeluu :smallfrown: <hug>

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

So, I had me a little meltdown yesterday. It was after a doctor's visit, with a nurse practitioner who was more communicative than my last PCPs ever were. There was some concern over my second toe on my left foot. Is it broken? Is it infected? She couldn't tell, and I can't afford any specialists of extra tests to find out just now. But I have instructions to keep an eye on it, just in case.

But what really did me in was the fact that she could see the damage diabetes has done to me over the years. One look at my hands, and it was basically, "Yup...you got neuropathy, that's for sure." (The atrophied muscles were that obvious.) She also did quite a bit of wincing over all of the scars on my legs; being a natural born klutz, finding low furniture with my shins is a regular occurrence.

It's distressing when the damage is easy to see. Meds or no meds, emotional fuses started popping inside my head, and I quietly retired to my room to have a silent crying fit, then sleep. Those are the big signs that depression is taking hold of me: tears and slumber.

I'm working on getting past it.

[arguskos]

I'm working on getting past it.
Man, I seriously wish you had a freaking phone, so we could talk. :smallfrown:

I'm here for you Bor, you know that. I wish I could be there for you more, but you're a tough man to reach anymore. :smallwink:

If you want to talk or there's anything I can do, you let me know.

[Jacklu]

Yes, we are all here for you Bor. What kind of family would we be if we weren't after all the love and attention you shower us with constantly? My MSN is in my profile if you ever need to talk. *hugs*

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Sometimes, gang, there's little else to do but handle the wave of negative emotions on my own. Of course, I welcome chats...just need to work on getting one of those "phone things." Meanwhile, I appreciate the support from afar. Thank you. :smallsmile:

[arguskos]

Sometimes, gang, there's little else to do but handle the wave of negative emotions on my own. Of course, I welcome chats...just need to work on getting one of those "phone things." Meanwhile, I appreciate the support from afar. Thank you. :smallsmile:
Bah! I said something similar once, and you scoffed and told me that we all can benefit from help! Now, you're saying the same thing? You MUST be having a bad time. Well, we're here if you wish to speak (can't make ya after all). You keep letting us know what's up, you hear? :smallwink:

[SkadisPhoenix]

OK, my other half got me to join the site and then told me that this thread might help me with things on my mind (which is FAR too much, and I'm not sure whether to offload it all at once in bullet points, or do it bit by bit... Kobold-Bard reckons all at once.)

OK, to start with, I'm suffering from ME. It's something I'm REALLY struggling with, as I'd only just felt like I had the freedom to do my own thing after years of abuse from my adoptive parents, and now I'm trapped in my own body. :smalleek: So I found things to do at home, while I'm stuck in bed. I joined loads of sites, started an art project designing my own tarot deck. We have various games consoles, and I was getting there. My condition has become worse though, I'm becoming depressed again, having not been depressed for years. And that terrifies me, to be honest. And NOW my stupid laptop won't charge, or even be plugged in, not charging, so I can't work on my tarot deck, as, while I AM working in pencil and then acrylic paint, I've got loads of images from google that I'm combining into one for different cards. And I'm having to use Kobold-Bard's laptop, which considering that he has a lot of uni work, and usually is on here most of the time, makes me feel intensely guilty. I feel guilty enough as it is, that he's having to look after me so much, considering that I struggle with the stairs most days. :smallfrown:

Then there's the family. I haven't spoken to my parents since September, when I explained to them that I had been depressed as a teenager, and though I didn't tell them, it was because of them. They physically and mentally abused me, and until I was 15 I didn't realise how wrong it was, I thought it was normal. I should be so glad to have them out of my life, but I have been having so many dreams about them lately, and I hate it, I just want them to understand how they made me feel. Life was hell. :( One time, when practising a new piece of music for the flute, my mother hit me over the head with a CD case, so much that the CD case broke, at which point she hit me again with her fists, because that was OBVIOUSLY my fault. :smalleek: Why, you ask, did this happen? Because I got a note wrong. :smallconfused: And that was her on a GOOD day. :smalleek:


OK, I've offloaded some of it, I think I'll watch my Kobold-Bard playing Final Fantasy XII! :thog:

[Jacklu]

Skadi:

*hugs tight* I'm not exactly sure what ME is. Though that has more to do with me not being able to interpret acronyms, and I am assuming you are not afflicted by yourself in the first person. But it sounds like you could use a hug right now.

As for unloading your troubles, that is exactly what this thread is for. If I weren't leaving for work in a couple minutes, I would invite you to PM me to talk for a bit. If I could make a suggestion, feel free to look up Bor's blog. You might find it an interesting, and maybe helpful, read. I certainly did. He is the last post on the previous page and his blog is in his link.

Aside from that, *hugs again* We're here if you need to talk or vent, okay? Oh, and as Bor would and does say, Be well. :smallcool:

[Haruki-kun]

*hugs tight* I'm not exactly sure what ME is.


Medicine
Myalgic encephalomyelitis and myalgic encephalopathy, originally related to Post-viral fatigue syndrome, and currently used as alternative names for chronic fatigue syndrome.

Is this correct?

[SkadisPhoenix]

Medicine
Myalgic encephalomyelitis and myalgic encephalopathy, originally related to Post-viral fatigue syndrome, and currently used as alternative names for chronic fatigue syndrome.

Is this correct?

Yes, that's the one. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is the more common name for it, and it's kinda hellish, I've been struggling, I'm only 24, can't do anything anymore. :smalleek: However, the internet helps a LOT, as it means I can vent. :smallsmile:

[Dallas-Dakota]

Hey, I personally don't know much about Chronic Fatique, but maybe you should send Happy Turtle a PM? I know she's been living with it for a long time now...

[Dracomorph]

Skadi's Phoenix:

I know the feeling of wanting to speak to those who've wronged you, and the feeling that if you could just explain it the right way, then it would click in their heads and they'd feel bad about mistreating you, and change their behavior. The problem is that people don't quite work like that, and most of the time they just refuse to see how their actions were wrong or hurtful. Resist the urge to deal further with parents who think that violence is an appropriate response to minor, nitpicky little mess-ups, because odds are good they haven't changed much.

Sucks about your laptop; I couldn't begin to speculate on what's wrong there, as I am terrible with computers. Hope you can get it working again.

P.S.: I think you mean you'll watch KB watch FFXII play itself. (http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2006/9/8/)

[bluewind95]

Yes, that's the one. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is the more common name for it, and it's kinda hellish, I've been struggling, I'm only 24, can't do anything anymore. :smalleek: However, the internet helps a LOT, as it means I can vent. :smallsmile:

I have a different illness, but it's given me the same results. I'm 25 and can't do anything. I know how you feel. :smallfrown:

Is it possible you may be able to get a job working from home? Perhaps selling stuff online? Something? It would help make you feel more like you're doing something and that might help stave off the depression. The depression may be worsened simply because you feel like you're not doing anything.

[Helanna]

OK, to start with, I'm suffering from ME. It's something I'm REALLY struggling with, as I'd only just felt like I had the freedom to do my own thing after years of abuse from my adoptive parents, and now I'm trapped in my own body. :smalleek: So I found things to do at home, while I'm stuck in bed. I joined loads of sites, started an art project designing my own tarot deck. We have various games consoles, and I was getting there. My condition has become worse though, I'm becoming depressed again, having not been depressed for years. And that terrifies me, to be honest. And NOW my stupid laptop won't charge, or even be plugged in, not charging, so I can't work on my tarot deck, as, while I AM working in pencil and then acrylic paint, I've got loads of images from google that I'm combining into one for different cards. And I'm having to use Kobold-Bard's laptop, which considering that he has a lot of uni work, and usually is on here most of the time, makes me feel intensely guilty. I feel guilty enough as it is, that he's having to look after me so much, considering that I struggle with the stairs most days. :smallfrown:

I'm pretty sure I would go absolutely insane if I was trapped in bed and then my computer broke. But at least you have some hobbies and stuff - that's always a good way to keep your mind off things.


(One time, when practising a new piece of music for the flute, my mother hit me over the head with a CD case, so much that the CD case broke, at which point she hit me again with her fists, because that was OBVIOUSLY my fault. :smalleek: Why, you ask, did this happen? Because I got a note wrong. :smallconfused: And that was her on a GOOD day. :smalleek:


I would be dead by now if my mom hit me every time I hit a wrong note on the flute. :smalleek: I'm not sure what advice I could give you about your family, other than they probably won't ever understand no matter what you do. It's probably best not to have any contact with them. What you decide to do is your own decision though, so I hope it works out alright.


Speaking of family issues . . . arrrrrrgh. At least I can take comfort that they're not as bad as actual abuse . . .

My sister is definitely off her meds right now, so I'm trying to get her to take them regularly. Earlier today she came storming out of her room and started yelling at my 10-year-old sister about ruining her stuff. She was being pretty mean and completely unfair, but it didn't really excuse my ten-year-old sister from bursting into tears and screaming for my mom, who was in the shower. I told her to go to her room if she couldn't stop crying (I mean, it's not like they don't fight every day anyway), but she just wouldn't, and ended up standing in the hallway just screaming. Then my mom got out and she was pissed off and yelling at everyone . . .

Twenty minutes later and suddenly everyone's completely happy again. I'm getting some serious emotional whiplash here.

Not to mention that my mom has suddenly been taking the ten-year-old's side on EVERYTHING lately. The other day my sister refused her a piece of chalk because every time she's lent her chalk before, it gets lost or eaten by dogs. Ten-year-old throws a temper tantrum over it, and my mom demands that my sister give her a piece of chalk, even though she had a good reason not to give her one, and even though the ten-year-old had been absolutely horrible to her for the last few days. I'm not sure why my mom is constantly taking her side all of a sudden, but it's really, really irritating. :smallmad:

*sigh* They're going to drive me crazy, I swear it. And to think I'm hoping to be able to live at home for college . . .

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

First of all, Arguskos, I believe you are correct in my wee bit of hypocrisy. The large difference between you and I is that you're half my age. I've taken on a few more skills in coping with my issues than you have. I know when I need to face something alone, when to talk to a friend, and when a professional is needed. That I was in a bad way...? Yes, I was. Perhaps I still am. But all I had to do was mention it here, to a few of the people in my life, get a touch of empathy, and the stress of the event is now fading. All in all, however, you know you have my thanks in your concern.

Skadi's Phoenix: My immediate apologies, but the humor I find amidst talks of chronic illness got a smile from what you said. "I suffer from ME." My brain was off to the races on that one. "Yeah, I suffer from ME. I suck! I'm short; I'm ugly; and my mother dresses me funny. I am my problem. ME!" :smalltongue:

Then I Googled "ME illness" and found out what it was, and the internal joking stopped. I'm not sure if it's at all similar, but when ALL of my meds kick in with their aspects of "may cause drowsiness," I feel that if I don't get to a bed swiftly, I may well collapse where I'm standing. And when I reach the bed, my thoughts are, Oh, thank goodness I made it to a bed. Now I'll just take a little na- *THUMP* ZZZZZZ! Is your condition anything like that? Tell us, me and those who visit this thread regularly, more, so we can understand your illness. Please? (We could all go to Google to read about it, but then we won't know if you suffer from ALL symptoms, of just some of them, or if there are advanced stages that you might be experiencing.)

Here's one that may not have occurred to you, and which will not thrill you at all. Many chronic illnesses come with depression stacked on top of it. I was told way back when that there is an actual psychological condition called "why me syndrome." Oh, it's truly something special to sit for hours on end and try to figure out why the universe "blessed" you with one illness and/or another. Eventually, the answer is the same: "Nothing. This is just how it is." And I know something about this because I'm an insulin dependent diabetic for just over 35 years.

Now for some reading fun. I can empathize to an extent about your family issues. But to tell you all of it, right here, on this thread...well, that would take hours and hours of typing. There's a link in my signature, "Real Blog." You can, in your spare time, read the whole thing. But the posts that might interest you more are those that involve my family. Like this one (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2008/10/when-television-attacks.html). At the bottom, you'll see various tags. Look for any of the following: Barry, Biological Mother, Dad, Family, or Stu. My greatest regret is that most of those posts have some tale of misery my family heaped upon me.

I'm directing you to those numerous entries as a way of saying, "You are not alone." Many of us here have had issues with family, some more serious that others. Like my entry, Suicidal History: Part 4 (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2008/10/suicidal-history-part-4.html), in which my biological mother demonstrated a willingness to see me dead anywhere except her home. (Nice, eh?)

You are welcome to continue venting your woes to this thread. We'll try to help in any way we can. For the moment, we don't have the whole story, as you've already confessed. You have some hard choices coming your way, I'm sure...but for now, know that you have a few understanding ears.

Oh...before I go, here's two *HUGS!* Use one know, and keep the other on hand for emergencies. :smallsmile:

[SkadisPhoenix]

Death Dragon, I've pretty much decided that it won't be worth talking to them again, to be honest, I'd not want them anywhere near my own children, when I have them (not for a while thank you very much, I'm NOT ready for that mayhem! :smallwink:)


Skadi's Phoenix: My immediate apologies, but the humor I find amidst talks of chronic illness got a smile from what you said. "I suffer from ME." My brain was off to the races on that one. "Yeah, I suffer from ME. I suck! I'm short; I'm ugly; and my mother dresses me funny. I am my problem. ME!" :smalltongue:

Then I Googled "ME illness" and found out what it was, and the internal joking stopped. I'm not sure if it's at all similar, but when ALL of my meds kick in with their aspects of "may cause drowsiness," I feel that if I don't get to a bed swiftly, I may well collapse where I'm standing. And when I reach the bed, my thoughts are, Oh, thank goodness I made it to a bed. Now I'll just take a little na- *THUMP* ZZZZZZ! Is your condition anything like that? Tell us, me and those who visit this thread regularly, more, so we can understand your illness. Please? (We could all go to Google to read about it, but then we won't know if you suffer from ALL symptoms, of just some of them, or if there are advanced stages that you might be experiencing.) Don't worry, I try and make jokes like that myself, because if you can't make jokes about myself, what CAN you make jokes about? :smallbiggrin: I have considered the fact that the ME is most likely getting worse because of depression, though I did a course of anti-depressants, and that did sweet FA about my fatigue. :P

With the blog, I've started following, and I'm planning on doing a daily journal about this condition, which I'll put in my signature once I've gotten in the habit of doing it regularly, I think it will help things, not only with how I feel, but also taking the pressure of Kobold-Bard somewhat. Though anybody who reads it will most likely have to deal with quite a lot about the tarot deck I'm trying to create, and tarot readings too. :smalltongue: I'm sorry about what you have had from your family, there's never really much to be said about that sort of thing, even from somebody who has had a similarly traumatic upbringing. I too, would not want to my adoptive parents funerals, and even made the decision years ago that I wouldn't want them there when I get married either, something nobody should feel about their parents. :smallfrown: However, having seen you write that about going to the funeral of your mother has actually reassured me that I shouldn't feel so guilty about it. I feel guilty far too easily it seems. :smalltongue: Thank you!



Oh...before I go, here's two *HUGS!* Use one know, and keep the other on hand for emergencies. :smallsmile:

I shall definately keep the spare one! :smallbiggrin: Hugs are things that you can never say no to, and no matter the situation, hugs are always great. :smallredface:

[Jacklu]

Blah. Mounting anxiety, generally sickness, and my normal issues have all come together for a wonderful crash tonight.

My appetite has been next to gone for the last week or so. AKA; in the last four days I have eaten three slices of pizza and a small cup of cottage cheese. And what I did eat was rather flavorless to me. Its not that I'm not hungry... My stomach hurts from how hungry I get... But as soon as there is food before me I completely loose all desire to actually eat any of it. =/

So anyways, Jacklu is sinking into a nice deep funk that will probably partially cripple me for the week to come. I just want to find a dark corner to be alone in and sob right now.

Well, that is about it for me for now. Thanks for listening.

[Neko Toast]

I've got something that's been irking me. Normally, I would be talking to my real life friend about this, but... I already sent him an email earlier today, and he didn't make it to the convention I went to.

So, there's this guy (before you stop me, this has nothing to do with relationships. Well, at least romantic ones). He's a guy that generally makes me uncomfortable. I can't seem to explain why he makes me feel that way. I think it's because he's quite... socially awkward. Anyway, I see him quite often, unfortunately. He's part of the convention that I'm helping organize in November, he's a member of the anime club, he always seems to be in our club office during my office hours, the guy's even in my history class. And he always makes several attempts to strike up conversation, when I don't really want to. Sometimes I purposefully try to avoid him.

Anyway... This past Thursday, after History class got out, he said "Do you dislike me?" This floored me. I mean, I don't necessarily like the guy, but I don't dislike him. It's more... indifference, I guess. Still, I can't help but feel like a horrible person, since he asked me if I dislike him.

God, I dunno... does it make me a bad person?

[Dracomorph]

Blah. Mounting anxiety, generally sickness, and my normal issues have all come together for a wonderful crash tonight.

My appetite has been next to gone for the last week or so. AKA; in the last four days I have eaten three slices of pizza and a small cup of cottage cheese. And what I did eat was rather flavorless to me. Its not that I'm not hungry... My stomach hurts from how hungry I get... But as soon as there is food before me I completely loose all desire to actually eat any of it. =/

So anyways, Jacklu is sinking into a nice deep funk that will probably partially cripple me for the week to come. I just want to find a dark corner to be alone in and sob right now.

Well, that is about it for me for now. Thanks for listening.

Aw, Jacklu, I feel for you. Please, please eat. You don't have to love every bite, but please don't starve yourself.

And come back here whenever you feel bad. We care for you, and we want you to pull through this okay.

*hug* There, you made me break my 'no online hugs' rule. You'd better appreciate it.

[Pyrian]

God, I dunno... does it make me a bad person?I don't think the fact that he makes you uncomfortable makes you a bad person. (Though, I do think the fact that that's the first explanation you reach for sets yourself up for a depressive mindset.) Perhaps a particularly socially adept individual would be able to fend him off without him noticing he makes them uncomfortable, but that's not actually an easy thing to do, and if he's persistent it's potentially totally impossible.

[Neko Toast]

I don't think the fact that he makes you uncomfortable makes you a bad person. (Though, I do think the fact that that's the first explanation you reach for sets yourself up for a depressive mindset.) Perhaps a particularly socially adept individual would be able to fend him off without him noticing he makes them uncomfortable, but that's not actually an easy thing to do, and if he's persistent it's potentially totally impossible.

Heh. I've had a depressive mindset for a while now. My first assumptions for a lot of things are always negative, and usually directed towards myself.

He is rather persistent... I can tell that he wants to be very social. I, on the other hand, am horribly introverted. Though I do like to socialize, I can really only do it with certain people, and even then I can't do it for too long or else I feel mentally drained. I don't think he understands that some people are like that.

[The Extinguisher]

Feeling kind of alone right now.


I feel like an outsider with my own friends. I always feel like I'm intruding whenever I hang out with them. Like they only put up with me out of pity or because they have to. I don't make friends very easily, and I never seem to connect or get "in" with a group, be it online or offline. It took me about a year of high school before I could really say I had any friends, and another year before I finally convinced myself that they were my friends. And now I rarely see most of them. Only a few I actually keep in contact with.I've worked at my job for a year and a half, and I've only really started being friends with my co-workers now. And I feel like an outsider whenever I do. Same goes for my friends at university, and my gaming friends. I don't really belong. I'm new, despite not being new. They could just be putting up with me because I go to the same game store as they do, or they're in my class and can't really isolate me. What if they all can't stand me, and simply hate that I can't take a hint?

[Quincunx]

Amusing news, everyone! That saying about your meds taking awhile to influence you after changing them? It isn't true (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8304782.stm)! Even when the takers of the antidepressants were blinkered to their effects, they were eliminating or softening negative thoughts. Now, how does that fit with the comforting saying? The report was clear to acknowledge that the change in perception lagged several weeks behind the change in thoughts, and the saying speaks to the perception rather than the thoughts. It had bothered me for some time that people go off their meds within hours but didn't claim any benefit from going on them for weeks afterward--if anything, the intake speed should have been quicker than the body's ability to metabolize the medicine, as it is with alcohol. This report settles that question.

[Jimp]

Hello playground. Long time no see. My, what a lovely hat you have on.

Times have been pretty rough since I last posted. I can't remember when that was exactly, but basically things have gone from bad to worse since. I'm not going to go into it or explain because I'm sick of doing it and I've relived everything in my head way too much. To surmise where I am right now: one complete mental breakdown and night being talked out of suicide later I moved out of my house and I'm back to living with my mom, spending ~2 and a half hours in total commuting for college, no longer speaking to a few people who used to be my closest friends, slowly getting back on terms with another (not gonna say forgiving him, I don't think I can forgive him for what went on), and generally lost heart in everything.
Luckily enough the commuting to college has forced me to spend all my time on campus and I've caught up on all the work I missed out over the last few weeks due to a mixture of extreme depression and other events. I've also realised that some people do care about me, which is nice. I've been get over things slowly. I'm eating and sleeping again and the pain in my gut that had been plauging me for the past week has gone. I've been spending the hours I have free focusing on car stuff to keep me busy.
I need to get back some of my enthusiasm for life. Over the past two months I realised how much I've stopped doing in life. I haven't played basketball in years and I used to love it. I have lost a lot of my passion for RPGs and creating worlds. I rarely play games anymore. I don't read anymore. I don't write anymore. The one thing that has inspired me and kept my enthusiasm up is my love for VWs and going to the VW club events. I guess I need to start somewhere on getting the rest back on track and getting some excitement and passion back again.
It's been a tough year, but things are looking up a bit. Just need to try real hard *thumbs up*

[Mr. Mud]

Repost from RB, (aptly describes the scenario, and how much I long for college to begin)


So today, in weight training class (we share the gym with Freshman Phys Ed) I watched a classmate go into a freshman bookbag, find his lunch, open in, throw the omnoms around in the bookbag to get to a soda at the bottom. He then took the soda, drank it and threw it away laughing to himself all the while. Maybe I should of stopped him (in fact, I should've) but I'm not going to break someone's nose for nabbing a $.70 Rootbeer.

And that's just it. an 18 year old human being, legally A MAN stole from a 13 year old kid. From a struggling family. My faith in humanity really, really dwindles these days.

:smallfurious::smallfrown::smallyuk::smalleek:... :sigh:

[Helanna]

Don't worry, I try and make jokes like that myself, because if you can't make jokes about myself, what CAN you make jokes about? :smallbiggrin:

. . .

With the blog, I've started following, and I'm planning on doing a daily journal about this condition, which I'll put in my signature once I've gotten in the habit of doing it regularly, I think it will help things, not only with how I feel, but also taking the pressure of Kobold-Bard somewhat. Though anybody who reads it will most likely have to deal with quite a lot about the tarot deck I'm trying to create, and tarot readings too. :smalltongue: . . .

At least it seems like you have a fairly good sense of humor about everything. And that's really the important thing, isn't it? Better than moping.

And definitely link to your journal if you start one! Besides the fact that I think it'll be really interesting to read, I love tarot cards. :smallbiggrin:


I shall definately keep the spare one! :smallbiggrin: Hugs are things that you can never say no to, and no matter the situation, hugs are always great. :smallredface:

Then have another hug! *hug*


He is rather persistent... I can tell that he wants to be very social. I, on the other hand, am horribly introverted. Though I do like to socialize, I can really only do it with certain people, and even then I can't do it for too long or else I feel mentally drained. I don't think he understands that some people are like that.

I think I know a guy who sounds really similar to what you're talking about. He kind of attached himself to my group of friends when he moved here in 11th grade. Whenever he talks, he sounds like he's half talking to himself. Including times when there's no one listening to him but he just keeps talking . . . and if he asked me if I disliked him, I wouldn't know what to say. I don't dislike him, but I wouldn't call him a friend . . . so what did you say to the guy?


And that's just it. an 18 year old human being, legally A MAN stole from a 13 year old kid. From a struggling family. My faith in humanity really, really dwindles these days.

:smallfrown: If it helps at all, Gives Me Hope (http://www.givesmehope.com) is well-known for restoring a bit of faith in humanity . . .

[Dracomorph]

Repost from RB, (aptly describes the scenario, and how much I long for college to begin)

*horrifying story*

:smallfurious::smallfrown::smallyuk::smalleek:... :sigh:

Oh man, if my faith in humanity hinged on my faith in highschoolers, I would have been a broken man long ago. On the other hand, I have a story that may help:

I went to a fairly rich private high school, where most of the students had cars that their parents bought them, and iPods and such back when they were cutting edge and unexpected. (side story for an example on the wealth: one guy got a new car for Christmas, crashed it New Year's Eve, and his parents bought him another one a month later.)

Anyway, several weeks in a row, people who were coming back from sports practice were finding their wallets stolen. You can see where this might be a surprise. There were a few victims, no one was caught, and it faded out of sight for a while, until it picked up again later. This time, they caught the guy, and he was a member of my class, and not desparately poor to need to steal money, either.

He was kicked out. And if you end the story there, it's as bad as yours. But that's not all; he joined the army, and the discipline turned him around real quick. He's a combat medic now, and from what I recall he's got a shining record in the service.

Sometimes, good things come from bad seeds.

[arguskos]

As the saying goes, "if you wear a mask long enough, you forget who you truly are underneath it." I've been an emotionless fellow for so long now that I've truly forgotten emotions as a rule. I do not anger more than annoyance, I don't feel happiness or joy, I am never saddened by anything. Every single thing I meet with a simple air of detached indifference, as if to say that it simply doesn't matter to me. I would say some things do, but I can't say that in a way that sounds true.

I would ask for advice on what to do about this lack of emotion, but I already know the only two ways out. One is shameful, the other I can't afford. For now, I drift in the lonely void that is apathy. Perhaps this vent will serve as a beacon for others, so that they know who and what to avoid. In that, I will feel fulfilled.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

As the saying goes, "if you wear a mask long enough, you forget who you truly are underneath it." I've been an emotionless fellow for so long now that I've truly forgotten emotions as a rule. I do not anger more than annoyance, I don't feel happiness or joy, I am never saddened by anything. Every single thing I meet with a simple air of detached indifference, as if to say that it simply doesn't matter to me. I would say some things do, but I can't say that in a way that sounds true.

I would ask for advice on what to do about this lack of emotion, but I already know the only two ways out. One is shameful, the other I can't afford. For now, I drift in the lonely void that is apathy. Perhaps this vent will serve as a beacon for others, so that they know who and what to avoid. In that, I will feel fulfilled.
It's a matter, in my opinion, of deciding what your emotional armor is. You've established the equivalent of "tank armor" to deal with the stresses of your life, and you need to downgrade to something with a few holes in it.

Arguskos, my friend, I went for years without much reason to truly laugh. The most I'd do is smile at that which I found funny. But when I arrived in KS and was introduced to my new housemates, there was a lot of joking to be done, and I found it easy to lower my guard and let myself laugh again, especially at what would likely be considered "inappropriate" jokes.

In terms of anger...Well, that's another one I'm learning to handle. An emotional explosion is probably not wise under any circumstances. But taking the time to process what I'm feeling, and then DISCUSS it is important.

Suppressing emotions so that you don't make a serious mistake isn't a bad thing. Bottling up EVERYTHING...? Well, I believe that IS a bad thing. But my suggestion in this matter is going to be much like the other advice I tend to give. The person who can do the most about how you do what you do is entirely up to the only person who can do anything at all about it: yourself. Perhaps you didn't make a conscious effort to adjust your behavior when it comes to emotional responses, but you are now cognizant of the situation. It falls to you to make the conscious effort to adjust said behavior.

However, it's important to make said adjustments for YOU, and not someone else. The former is an effort to reinvent yourself for yourself. The latter is developing a new mask for all the world to see. If you want more, you know where to find us, and me specifically. :smallsmile:

[Anuan]

Am down. No apparent reason. May be influenced by the fact I'm going to fail my last ever highschool exam tomorrow. ...Yeah.

Anuan out.

[SkadisPhoenix]

People are still getting me down. :smalleek: This time it's a guy I've been friends with for about two years. I'm Pagan, and have been wanting to perform a Samhain (Hallowe'en) ritual ever since I discovered Paganism, but worked for my old uni, so wasn't really able to, as I lived on campus with loads of other people, and it wouldn't have been appropriate (BLEGH! :smallyuk:)

This year though, I'm living with my fella, we have a back yard, and even though he's Catholic, Kobold-Bard is being ultra supportive, is getting me the things I need for the ritual I'm going to perform. I then talk to this other guy, also Pagan, and ask him for help, because I have NO idea which way is north and which way is south, from my house, and if he has a compass, explain why, and he just doesn't answer. :smallfrown: I'd say he was just busy, and had to sign off MSN, but I told him that I was considering casting a protective spell (still haven't, as I've been too ill), to keep Kobold-Bard and I safe from our housemate, and he went off on a massive rant saying that spells and rituals should never be performed and that they're wrong.

Maybe they're not right for him but they're right for me, and it's only circumstances that have stopped me in the past.

I guess my issue here is that he seems to judge me so much, he makes me feel like my beliefs, even though they're the same as his to some extent, are wrong because they're not identical to his. And he also acts as though he doesn't believe that I'm really ill, that I should just force myself to get better. I have ME, the cause of which was pushing myself above and beyond what I was capable of, to prove to other people that I was good enough. If I push myself to get better, I'll get worse! :smallfurious:



*breathes* OK, I'm feeling better, back to the rat-race (or Final Fantasy XII, I'm obsessed about this game lately! :smalleek:)

[Anuan]

A brief tip; the sun rises in the east. You can get an approximation of north from there, by turning ninety degrees anticlockwise when facing the rising sun of a morn'. It's my understanding, if I recall correctly, that Samhein is basically on the Spring Equinox...yes? No? If yes, I'm pretty sure the sun should be fairly close to the middle of the sky instead of an angle.

I had an answer prepared for the whole beliefs-anger-thing-situation but then I realised your other Neo-pagan friend was the culprit, not the Catholic Kobold Bard. In that case, I can't really help out there.
Hm.

[SkadisPhoenix]

A brief tip; the sun rises in the east. You can get an approximation of north from there, by turning ninety degrees anticlockwise when facing the rising sun of a morn'. It's my understanding, if I recall correctly, that Samhein is basically on the Spring Equinox...yes? No? If yes, I'm pretty sure the sun should be fairly close to the middle of the sky instead of an angle.

I had an answer prepared for the whole beliefs-anger-thing-situation but then I realised your other Neo-pagan friend was the culprit, not the Catholic Kobold Bard. In that case, I can't really help out there.
Hm.

Samhain is actually the Pagan new year, falls on the "Day of the dead", the traditional Hallowe'en, Spring Equinox is Ostara, so Easter. :smallsmile: And that'll be it about actual religion. ;)

And I'll send Kobold-Bard out to check, or at sunset, seeing as that's West. You have a good point there, thank you! :smallsmile:

[HellfireLover]

I sense a hemisphere-related seasonal misunderstanding occurring here...

Failing the whole sunrise-thing (and let's be clear here, I am dyscalc and quite, quite useless with directions), on a clear night look for Polaris, which will give you an approximation of North. If you can find Ursa Major, you should be able to find Polaris quite easily. However, when you're going to find a clear night in the UK, I don't know.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Or check your house on google maps.:smalltongue:

[Jacklu]

Or check your house on google maps.:smalltongue:

Pssh. DD, that would take all of the fun our of finding the direction. Personally, I have a pretty good sense of north most of the time, and being a boyscout taught me all kinds of cool ways to tell the direction. Actually... I always liked the watch method:


1. Find an analog watch (the kind with hour and minute hands) that is set accurately. Place it on a level surface, such as the ground, or hold it horizontal in your hand.

2. Point the hour hand at the sun.

3 Bisect (that is, find the center point of) the angle between the hour hand and the twelve o'clock mark (the number 12 on the watch). The center of the angle between the hour hand and twelve o'clock mark is the north-south line. If you don't know which way is north and which south, just remember that no matter where you are, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. In the northern hemisphere the sun is due south at midday. If your watch is set to daylight savings time bisect the angle between the hour hand and the one o'clock mark instead.

=P

[Anuan]

Forgot it would be autumn over there >.> Curse my southern origins!

[Elves-as-People]

I'd like to thank SkadisPhoenix for inspiring me to use a softer color to make this easier:

So I was diagnosed with depression, and then ADHD, in junior high and high school. I was also told I had OCD but that was played down I guess by my psychiatrist? I'm not sure if that's fair to say or not, but regardless, it wasn't the focus of the effort. So after I stopped feeling sad yada yada I went off the anti-depressent. Then, I went off the ADHD meds after doing alright in college. I've been having vivid OCD symptons of varying intensity for years but I've mostly played them down and just done my best regardless.

I'm starting my fourth (and hopefully final) year of university and I've basically undergone a OCD breakdown. For those who don't know, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is an anxiety problem which manifests as obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors which interfere with normal day things. I've been increasingly unable to focus with vivid (violent) images in my head that I can't get to go away and can only cope by sorting the same books and papers hundreds of times, meaning about the only other thing I can accomplish in a given day is food and maybe a few cogent hours of communicating with friends or something comparatively low-stress like these forums :smallbiggrin: I've seen a psychologist and a psychiatrist and I'm on meds now, but my tolerance to them has to be built over time due to the high level dose they say is necessary to treat my symptoms. So far I've only gotten side effects and I'm still jittery and can't focus on a lot of positive things. I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading this if you did :smallsmile:

[Neko Toast]

My physical health is on the decline again. For a few nights now, I've woken up in the wee hours of the morning with stomach problems. I haven't had any other symptoms of IBS other than the pain. The pain seems to be relieved when I go to the bathroom, but going to the bathroom has been normal lately. Also, the meds my doc said were supposed to help the pain doesn't seem to be working that well.

I just wish I could get a decent night's sleep for once, without any interruptions or difficulties falling asleep. I can't talk to my doctor, because my home is a 2-hour drive away, and I've already wasted enough gas by going home three weekends in a row. :smallsigh: Maybe I should just talk to the college health center again...

I feel like this is slowly eating away at my life. I can't seek my best friend for support right now, either. Either he's sick himself, or his Internet connection died again, because I haven't heard from him in a week.

Friggin' IBS...

[SkadisPhoenix]

I'd like to thank SkadisPhoenix for inspiring me to use a softer color to make this easier:

So I was diagnosed with depression, and then ADHD, in junior high and high school. I was also told I had OCD but that was played down I guess by my psychiatrist? I'm not sure if that's fair to say or not, but regardless, it wasn't the focus of the effort. So after I stopped feeling sad yada yada I went off the anti-depressent. Then, I went off the ADHD meds after doing alright in college. I've been having vivid OCD symptons of varying intensity for years but I've mostly played them down and just done my best regardless.

I'm starting my fourth (and hopefully final) year of university and I've basically undergone a OCD breakdown. For those who don't know, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is an anxiety problem which manifests as obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors which interfere with normal day things. I've been increasingly unable to focus with vivid (violent) images in my head that I can't get to go away and can only cope by sorting the same books and papers hundreds of times, meaning about the only other thing I can accomplish in a given day is food and maybe a few cogent hours of communicating with friends or something comparatively low-stress like these forums :smallbiggrin: I've seen a psychologist and a psychiatrist and I'm on meds now, but my tolerance to them has to be built over time due to the high level dose they say is necessary to treat my symptoms. So far I've only gotten side effects and I'm still jittery and can't focus on a lot of positive things. I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading this if you did :smallsmile:

I don't know if it would be the same at your university, but when I found that I wasn't able to get to lectures or do the work with my condition, my head of progamme got together with me to find ways to get the work done another way or time. He also made a verbal promise, bless him, that if I was able to recover soon, he'd do his best to get me back onto the course, even though it would most likely be starting from Year 1 again.

I know that wouldn't be ideal for you, I would be OK with that because I had only just changed course after 3 years and a year out for Teaching, and transferred to Education Studies, but it MIGHT be an option once you've built up the tolerance, and the meds have had time to become effective.

I don't know what ADHD would be like, it's hard enough for me just have ADD, without the hyperactivity, so I really don't know what to say, especially combined with OCD, which is hell, from what my sister goes through, I really wish I could do something more than this to help.

[Jacklu]

Wish I could be more helpful here... OCD sucks. I has an extremely mild case of it myself. Usually doesn't get in the way of my day to day life. Though when I get stressed (way more often than I would like) it gets a lot worse.

I guess I also wanted to say that you people all rock out loud. Don't forget that, kay? :smallcool:

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I wanted to make note of something: the fact that I'm...finding myself less and less able to handle the issues of others. My life, you see, has entered a new phase, and it will take some time before I am able to make a truly concentrated effort to help others. As it is, I kind of blew my own mental fuses this morning while talking with Siege. My brother's betrayal becomes infinitely more upsetting should I dwell on it. :smallfrown:

My life is very much an "up in the air" kind of thing. As an example, today's adventures will be dragging me to the local "welfare" offices to find out what the heck is going on. Yes, I stop in frequently...but how helpful I am is questionable, as I am having issues of my own. I hope you can all understand that.

Meanwhile, barring any major issues, I am aware that we are now entering the forties in terms of thread length, and am watching for when a new thread should be made.

Try to remain as well as possible, my friends.

[Dallas-Dakota]

To say your words to you, be well!

[Elves-as-People]

I don't know if it would be the same at your university, but when I found that I wasn't able to get to lectures or do the work with my condition, my head of progamme got together with me to find ways to get the work done another way or time. He also made a verbal promise, bless him, that if I was able to recover soon, he'd do his best to get me back onto the course, even though it would most likely be starting from Year 1 again.

I know that wouldn't be ideal for you, I would be OK with that because I had only just changed course after 3 years and a year out for Teaching, and transferred to Education Studies, but it MIGHT be an option once you've built up the tolerance, and the meds have had time to become effective.

I don't know what ADHD would be like, it's hard enough for me just have ADD, without the hyperactivity, so I really don't know what to say, especially combined with OCD, which is hell, from what my sister goes through, I really wish I could do something more than this to help.

Ya, but the psychiatrist I talked to at my school said that she wasn't comfortable with my previous diagnoses due to the severity of my OCD, so the ADHD might have just been a result of the OCD, and the same thing for the depression. So we need to wait until the OCD meds start to take effect to reevaluate whether there are other problems.

[arguskos]

Try to remain as well as possible, my friends.
Bor, you know where to find me if you want to talk. :smallredface: You trained us well to care for others, and we're watching out when and where we can.

Be Well yourself, Bor!

[SkadisPhoenix]

I am SO fed up with my housemates. Kobold-Bard and I, unfortunately can't afford to live anywhere else, we've considered all the options, so we're stuck in this hell hole. :smallfrown:

Thing is, Kobold-Bard, as much as I love him, is just as bad as the others to some extent. I've not been able to cook for a while, so this morning was the first time in the kitchen for a while, and I hadn't realised how bad it had become. I spent a weekend sorting the bedroom out, the bathroom, kitchen and living room, got it to the point of being liveable in, even hygenic, and it's now disgusting, I had to clean one area of the surface before I could even consider making my breakfast. :smallyuk:

Kobold-Bard is refusing to do anything, as it's mainly one person's mess, but that person, Jake, is a drug induced excuse for a human being, who not only is constantly high on drugs, but also has a major anger management issue, just asking him to turn his music down causes him to lose his temper, and when he does that he is violent. :smallfrown:

So yet again, while Kobold-Bard isn't in the house, and can't stop me, I'll end up wearing myself out, because nobody else seems to find the fact that eating food straight from the gutter would be more hygenic than our surfaces a BAD thing! :smallfurious:

*breathes* I really don't know if I CAN do the cleaning either, just cleaning the surface that is the size of a microwave has me tired, I had to stop to sit down because it took that much energy. I used to work in catering and would have the surfaces so clean that you could see yourself in them, and STILL be doing the heavy pots and pans without breaking a sweat. :smallsigh:

[Anuan]

Somebody (read: anybody) to talk to on any of the IM programs listen in my profile would be really great right about now.

[Elves-as-People]

I am SO fed up with my housemates. Kobold-Bard and I, unfortunately can't afford to live anywhere else, we've considered all the options, so we're stuck in this hell hole. :smallfrown:

Thing is, Kobold-Bard, as much as I love him, is just as bad as the others to some extent. I've not been able to cook for a while, so this morning was the first time in the kitchen for a while, and I hadn't realised how bad it had become. I spent a weekend sorting the bedroom out, the bathroom, kitchen and living room, got it to the point of being liveable in, even hygenic, and it's now disgusting, I had to clean one area of the surface before I could even consider making my breakfast. :smallyuk:

Kobold-Bard is refusing to do anything, as it's mainly one person's mess, but that person, Jake, is a drug induced excuse for a human being, who not only is constantly high on drugs, but also has a major anger management issue, just asking him to turn his music down causes him to lose his temper, and when he does that he is violent. :smallfrown:

So yet again, while Kobold-Bard isn't in the house, and can't stop me, I'll end up wearing myself out, because nobody else seems to find the fact that eating food straight from the gutter would be more hygenic than our surfaces a BAD thing! :smallfurious:

*breathes* I really don't know if I CAN do the cleaning either, just cleaning the surface that is the size of a microwave has me tired, I had to stop to sit down because it took that much energy. I used to work in catering and would have the surfaces so clean that you could see yourself in them, and STILL be doing the heavy pots and pans without breaking a sweat. :smallsigh:

Make Kobold-Bard read this so he understands. If you really need him to help you, make that clear :smallsmile:

Hopefully he'll understand.

[SurlySeraph]

I miss being in love. I had so much hope then. I don't anymore.

Spoilered for length.
Here's the context. I'm a freshman at Harvard. I had a semi-miserable childhood due to controlling parents, utter lack of social skills, and giving up on social life entirely in favor of academics, since no matter how unpleasant a math problem is it'll never be ashamed to be around you.

Harvard has something called the "Z-list," which is where you're not good enough to get in that year but if you take a year off they'll let you in next year. That's how I got in - by literally the slimmest possible margin. And given my straight A- grades, elite private school education, 2400 SAT, numerous 5s on APs, being a legacy, my mom knowing people in admissions who could push for me, etc., I had pretty much every possible advantage for getting in. So clearly there was enough that I lacked to negate all my scholastic achievements. So I feel pretty strongly that I don't deserve to be here.

And that year off part? I could have gone directly to Georgetown instead of taking a year off and going to Harvard Harvard, but you may recall I mentioned that my family is controlling. Technically I had a choice, but I know I never could have found the willpower to hold out for long.

So I took a year off. This was the worst decision of my life. I did a few good things with it: I got certified as an EMT (pretty sure my certification has lapsed by this point), went on a biology research expedition to Ecuador for 10 weeks (learned no practical skills, but enjoyed it), and spent a couple weeks traveling across the southern United States (I'd always wanted to see more of the country, but I didn't end up enjoying it). The rest of the time, 7 months or so, I absolutely wasted.

I came out of the year with a ruined work ethic, reduced skills and knowledge and caring, and greater self-hatred. On the plus side, I realized I have some good things going for me. I'm intelligent, I (can be) very hard-working, and people tend to think I'm older and more mature than I am. So many people told me I had great potential.

I guess I do have potential, what with being a 19-year-old Harvard student. I'm at the start of my life; that's what everyone tells me. But I don't feel that way. I can't remember when it started, but for a long time I've constantly felt like I'm going to die soon. When I don't get my work done as well as I should, I tend to rationalize it by telling myself that it's not like I was ever going to get much of what I want to do done anyway. I'm not sure if I feel despair or fear or acceptance, maybe all of them. But I do feel like I'm not going to live much longer, even though I know that I've lived a lot longer than I expected to when I started feeling this way.

But back to being in love. I was deeply in love with a girl when I was in high school, for about three years. I never told her. I never did anything about it. I think she liked me at first, but eventually she gave up on me and moved on. And, probably long after she moved on, so did I. Anyway, a lot of it was honestly just being in love with an idealized image of her, rather than with her as she actually was.

But even though I haven't enjoyed much of my life, when I try to remember being happy I remember how I felt around her. I just had so much hope. Today she's going to give some sign even I can be sure of that she really does feel the same way. Tomorrow I'm going to ask her. This weekend we can go somewhere. Etc. None of it ever happened, but I felt like it could at any minute, and I'd be swept away into eternal bliss.

And spreading from that, I felt so much more hope about everything else in my life. I'm going to get an A on this. Calculus is going to make perfect sense to me. People are going to like me. I'm a good person, and will go to heaven after a long and fulfilling life. Etc. And that was a self-fulfilling prophecy, to an extent. I don't know to what degree I did better then and to what degree I appreciated what I had instead of thinking "I got a 95! Noooo! Those 5 points are going to keep me out of Harvard!" But I felt great.

That's long over. And I miss it. I really, really miss it. It's not the girl, and I don't think it's really the love. I miss hope. I miss thinking each day was going to be better than the last. I miss believing I could change anything. I miss honestly believing that I could get everything I ever wanted if I just tried hard enough.

I really miss it.

[Dracomorph]

I miss being in love. I had so much hope then. I don't anymore.

Spoilered for length.
Here's the context. I'm a freshman at Harvard. I had a semi-miserable childhood due to controlling parents, utter lack of social skills, and giving up on social life entirely in favor of academics, since no matter how unpleasant a math problem is it'll never be ashamed to be around you.

Harvard has something called the "Z-list," which is where you're not good enough to get in that year but if you take a year off they'll let you in next year. That's how I got in - by literally the slimmest possible margin. And given my straight A- grades, elite private school education, 2400 SAT, numerous 5s on APs, being a legacy, my mom knowing people in admissions who could push for me, etc., I had pretty much every possible advantage for getting in. So clearly there was enough that I lacked to negate all my scholastic achievements. So I feel pretty strongly that I don't deserve to be here.

And that year off part? I could have gone directly to Georgetown instead of taking a year off and going to Harvard Harvard, but you may recall I mentioned that my family is controlling. Technically I had a choice, but I know I never could have found the willpower to hold out for long.

So I took a year off. This was the worst decision of my life. I did a few good things with it: I got certified as an EMT (pretty sure my certification has lapsed by this point), went on a biology research expedition to Ecuador for 10 weeks (learned no practical skills, but enjoyed it), and spent a couple weeks traveling across the southern United States (I'd always wanted to see more of the country, but I didn't end up enjoying it). The rest of the time, 7 months or so, I absolutely wasted.

I came out of the year with a ruined work ethic, reduced skills and knowledge and caring, and greater self-hatred. On the plus side, I realized I have some good things going for me. I'm intelligent, I (can be) very hard-working, and people tend to think I'm older and more mature than I am. So many people told me I had great potential.

I guess I do have potential, what with being a 19-year-old Harvard student. I'm at the start of my life; that's what everyone tells me. But I don't feel that way. I can't remember when it started, but for a long time I've constantly felt like I'm going to die soon. When I don't get my work done as well as I should, I tend to rationalize it by telling myself that it's not like I was ever going to get much of what I want to do done anyway. I'm not sure if I feel despair or fear or acceptance, maybe all of them. But I do feel like I'm not going to live much longer, even though I know that I've lived a lot longer than I expected to when I started feeling this way.

But back to being in love. I was deeply in love with a girl when I was in high school, for about three years. I never told her. I never did anything about it. I think she liked me at first, but eventually she gave up on me and moved on. And, probably long after she moved on, so did I. Anyway, a lot of it was honestly just being in love with an idealized image of her, rather than with her as she actually was.

But even though I haven't enjoyed much of my life, when I try to remember being happy I remember how I felt around her. I just had so much hope. Today she's going to give some sign even I can be sure of that she really does feel the same way. Tomorrow I'm going to ask her. This weekend we can go somewhere. Etc. None of it ever happened, but I felt like it could at any minute, and I'd be swept away into eternal bliss.

And spreading from that, I felt so much more hope about everything else in my life. I'm going to get an A on this. Calculus is going to make perfect sense to me. People are going to like me. I'm a good person, and will go to heaven after a long and fulfilling life. Etc. And that was a self-fulfilling prophecy, to an extent. I don't know to what degree I did better then and to what degree I appreciated what I had instead of thinking "I got a 95! Noooo! Those 5 points are going to keep me out of Harvard!" But I felt great.

That's long over. And I miss it. I really, really miss it. It's not the girl, and I don't think it's really the love. I miss hope. I miss thinking each day was going to be better than the last. I miss believing I could change anything. I miss honestly believing that I could get everything I ever wanted if I just tried hard enough.

I really miss it.

I feel your pain, man. I lost a lot of my hope as I grew older, too, and still haven't reclaimed much of it. Let me share this gem with you, though; everything you do from here on, you do for yourself. Your family can't force you into a future that they want, your work doesn't show on them, and you control your destiny.

Put another way, you're free. Some disillusionment comes with freedom, and often hope is the first thing down. It can come back, though, if you find something worth hoping for.

[arguskos]

*sigh* I was basically told by my girlfriend tonight that I'm too boring, since I don't really DO anything, and that my friends and I aren't interesting enough. Nothing I can do really, other than be more interesting, but how does one do that exactly?

Feelin' unloved right now. :smallsigh:

[Pyrian]

Nothing I can do really, other than be more interesting, but how does one do that exactly?Accusatons of boring typically fall into two basic categories, and it's important to distinguish them.

The first is excessive inhibition - you really don't do the very things you most want to do. Whether it's a lack of motivation or fear of the consequences, it's something worth working on. The best way to be interesting is to be interesting to yourself.

The second type of boring is rather more problematic. You're "boring" not because you're in any way inherently boring, but because your respective interests are just too divergent. There will always be a certain amount of this in any relationship - no two people are identical - but friendship in general is built on common interests. There's little one can do except compromise and try to push your boundaries.

...Interestingly, I learned a lot about myself from trying to cater to the whims of a gal I was in love with many years ago. Mind you, it was the sort of crazy love where anything could sound like a great idea just because she said it. Turns out, some of those things, I've stuck with long since. :smallcool:

[Matticus]

whine whine (nothing very important in here)

things bothering me:
exams
stress
girls (lack thereof specifically)
I know a lot of douchebags I'm not allowed to stab
my computer has had windows reinstalled and I lost iTunes, which, seeing as my iPod was stolen some months ago, means I'm free from having to use godawful Apple software, EXCEPT Windows Media Player won't recognize about 300 of my songs and has awful quality for basically all of my metal that it can read.
did I mention /imminent exams/? Which I should go study for lots except uh there's this very interesting article on Wikipedia about procrastinating I just can't tear myself away from?
I feel quite ill. Also I really want this one song, Anesthetize, by Porcupine Tree, which Media Player ate. Along with my Led Zeppelin and some Metallica and now it occurs to me, where the **** did my Iron Maiden go? Son of a-
yaay vent!

[arguskos]

The first is excessive inhibition - you really don't do the very things you most want to do. Whether it's a lack of motivation or fear of the consequences, it's something worth working on. The best way to be interesting is to be interesting to yourself.
Yes, I suffer from this one. :smallsigh: I actually talk myself OUT of doing things, even though I'd actually like to do those things. Mostly, with logical talk about how I'm broke, can't afford the time, and whatnot. I never lie to myself, just observe the truth. Doesn't mean it's a good idea though, does it?


The second type of boring is rather more problematic. You're "boring" not because you're in any way inherently boring, but because your respective interests are just too divergent. There will always be a certain amount of this in any relationship - no two people are identical - but friendship in general is built on common interests. There's little one can do except compromise and try to push your boundaries.
I actually work on this one. We don't share TOO much, but we have enough convergent interests that it's not a big enough deal for me to worry about. We both love movies, music, computers, etc.

How does one defeat inhibitions though? How do I convince myself to go DO things?

[Dallas-Dakota]

If/when you figure that one out, please let me know how A.S.A.P.

Thenks,
Dallas