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Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-06, 02:37 PM
...it's D-D's patented titanium cookies for you! (Yes, you wrote that, Bor. Don't forget this time.) :smallamused:

Welcome, one and all, to DT IV. That would be "Depression Thread the Fourth," not "Depressing Thoughts fed Intravenously." It took us just shy of nine months to require a new thread, which I'd like to think is a good sign. It means folks are holding their own for the most part.

But as before, let's lay down the ground rules - a ritual that was started in the last thread.

1: As understanding as we try to be on this thread, there are still rules to be followed (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/announcement.php?a=1). If you haven't read them in some time, it would be a good idea to refresh your memory before your emotional posts become something that will get you in trouble.

2: We call this "the Depression Thread," but we're not picky. Just about every psych issue is welcome here. That said, there's a specific issue that *I* try to avoid. In fact, there's a whole thread dedicated to Relationship Woes and Advice (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=113022)*. Really...I'm sorry Cupid keeps spitting in your eye, and not shooting arrows in your tuchas, but please take such concerns to those better equipped to handle it.

3: YOUR PROBLEMS, WHATEVER THEY MAY BE, ARE NO BETTER OR WORSE THAN ANYONE ELSE'S! No matter how often it's repeated, someone always comes along and writes an approximation of, "My problems are petty and stupid and not worth posting." If such a statement were even vaguely true, your problems wouldn't be problems at all. Contemplating suicide? We're here to help. Strained relations within your family that are causing you to burn out? We're here to help. Your favorite MMO is being revamped in such a way that's it's causing an emotional meltdown? We are STILL here to help.

EDIT: As per special request, should you say your problems are worthless in the midst of your post, you will be slapped with a goat. :smallbiggrin:

4: No better way to say this, so it's a cut-n-paste: We are friends helping friends. Our advice is not professional, nor is it always the best. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY!

5: A new issue has come along...Amidst the emotional releases and the dispensing of advice, there seems to be quite a bit of random banter. I seem to be guilty of it as much as others. I can't demand that it not happen, but if you could bring it to Random Banter (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=113197)*, it would be appreciated. If the communication would best be kept private, send PMs. TRY not to let basic RB dominate the thread, okay?

6: Back in the DT 2, a mod came along and...Well, here's what he had to say:

Comrade Gorby: Apologies for hijacking this post.

Please note that any posts advocating or aiding in another poster harming themselves will be removed. This behavior is unacceptable on these forums for a number of reasons, not least of which that it advocates/promotes illegal activity.

We urge anyone struggling with these feelings to seek help.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.
I would like to add just a bit to that. When giving advice, THINK before you post. There's a lot of emotional distress going on here. Many, including myself, are in delicate shape psychologically. Sometimes it takes just ONE wrong word to cause someone to blow all of their emotional fuses. If you can't help, it's okay to simply offer *HUGS* and stand back; an online hug is a perfectly acceptable way of letting someone know you care.

And so, my friends, the new thread begins. If you have the need, feel free to post what's happened in the past nice and early as a refresher, and then follow up later with further developments. Some of us don't have the best memories, so reminders often help, especially if you were in the middle of an issue when the last thread was closed.

As we move forward, and the masses unload their collective woes onto this thread, I suggest you try with all you have in your heart and mind to BE WELL, and STAY WELL! :smallsmile:

*Links are subject to become useless as the respective threads move forward.

lord of kobolds
2009-06-06, 05:38 PM
Wait, Bor, you forgot about the punishment for saying "my problem is nothing compared to these guys". Don't you take that away, I just got my special slapping goat:smalltongue:

TheCountAlucard
2009-06-06, 05:43 PM
Just a little bummed; turns out that the fact that I unintentionally slept through three of my final exams last semester has made me ineligible for financial aid; I may be put under "academic probation," giving me this semester to bring up my grades, provided my parents send in a signed copy of their taxes.

Also, having problems with loans.

On the other hand, listening to Great Big Sea's "Ordinary Day" has lifted my spirits a little bit.

Dogmantra
2009-06-06, 06:22 PM
Ramblings about low-self-esteem, specifically, mine:
Outward, I appear quite confident. I do this because it's good to be confident. On the inside, however, I am extremely sensitive. So sensitive, it can be very bad for my health. There was one... incident... which started with me having a bunch of people miss the point, and then inadvertently insult me (it wasn't their fault, I take people telling me about being happy for their success in something I failed at [particularly if I only tried once, and they tried multiple times] as an insult). Then... well then I was told by my drama teacher ... drama teacher, with no qualifications at all that "I probably had Asperger's" (incidentally, she denies it, saying that she only said that certain things I did were "Aspergic", which pretty much amounts to the same thing). There's nothing wrong with having Asperger's, but I do not have it. I know this because my mother works in mental health, and she (who is actually qualified) would know if something was up.

Anyway, what was a petty implication that someone was better at something than me ended up with me having over a week off school for depression, and me getting told I probably had Asperger's by a drama teacher.

Story of my life, someone might say. They might say this if they actually liked that metaphor. Basically, this low self-esteem, and easily-offended-ness has managed to get me called "selfish" before, purely because I got upset at something someone said, and then said "you know I have low self-esteem" as defence when they got all upset at the fact I had to justify why they'd done bettter than me.

This brings me to my next, and probably final, point. I have to justify things that make me feel bad about myself. If I get 97% on a test, it's not "yeah! 97%!", it's "what did I get wrong? Oh, I divided instead of multiplied. But that's okay, because I probably remembered the formula incorrectly". Understandably, this gets people quite annoyed, when they're happy about something they've done better than I, and they say so to my face.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. It's not as bad as I've been making it out to be, and the Asperger's thing is... pseudo-sorted (one of the conditions of me actually coming back to school was her apologising, which I still haven't received, months after the incident), but I'd appreciate advice for coping, it can get stressful at times.
Wow... that's a lot more than I meant to write, but it's nice to be able to say these things with the anonimity of the net-o-webs.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-06, 08:50 PM
TheCountAlucard: Well, I certainly hope things work out in your favor. However, I feel the need to point out that this is but a small taste of what awaits you in the "real" world. Schools will accept a note from one's mom, but employers will require doctors' notes and the like.

I was never one to wake up well. In fact, I can be downright mean when I'm awaken before I want to get out of bed. But prior to becoming disabled, when my alarm clock went off, usually my first thought was, Get up or you're fired! Sleeping through the time when I should have been up and on my way to work simply wasn't an option; not if I wanted to go on paying my bills.

College/Uni is your training period, and it's a case of you either learning that life lesson in short order or finding out there are worse penalties than not making the principal's "best attendance list." When you were younger, there was a lot of room for mistakes like sleeping through an exam. As time goes on, the margin for error gets smaller and smaller, until there's almost no forgiveness.

No...Take this existential slap on the hand and LERAN from it. Need a louder alarm clock? Buy one. The clock too close and you can hit the snooze button too easily? Put the clock on the other side of the room. If you need to set up a rig where the trip-hammer on a wind-up alarm clock sets into motion a convoluted device that eventually dumps ice water on your head, so be it.

Now go forth, young warrior prince, and continue your conquest of the world...on a timely basis, if you please! :smallwink:

Dogmantra:Like many people, you describe the problem, understand it very well, know the solutions, and manage not to employ them. That is, you seem to know the solutions, as you describe the problem so well.

Striving for perfection isn't a bad thing, but not many people set the bar as high as possible and then try to jump it. (I'm gonna run with this analogy.) When you do, and you collide with the bar, you still land on your feet and start talking about what happened. "I jumped too [early/late], and didn't calculate the opposing wind speed, nor did I take into account that I haven't properly broken in my running shoes, and I failed miserably by looking into the sun at just the wrong moment, thereby losing sight of my objective...and I know all the solutions, so I'll do better next time." Meanwhile, everyone around you is staring at the height of the bar and wondering if you've lost your mind, because it's impossible (for them) to jump that high on the first try.

To those not working to be the absolute best that they can be, it comes across as arrogance. And no matter how you try to explain that you have low self-esteem, they still see you as being arrogant for having set the bar beyond their general expectations. It's becoming a problem amongst humans. They're satisfied with striving for that golden 85%, while you're eying 100%. The more you talk about it, the more attention you draw to your extraordinary objectives.

Instead, when you get that 97%, keep it to yourself. When people ask how you did, tell them you did well, and leave it at that. If they did better than you, congratulate them, and know that in all likelihood, they'd set the bar much lower than you, and are pleased to have done as well as they did.

Also, start working on perpsective. Not sure why, but I'm thinking of the movie Summer School. (Typical movie for the 80's, starring Mark Marmon and Kirstie Alley.) Now, I hate ruining the end of the movie on the extremely slim chance someone wants to see it, but there's a lesson in it. Prior to summer school, one of the students had scored something along the lines of a 29% in English. After retaking the final after summer classes, he still received a failing grade of something like 56%. The thing is, the kid almost DOUBLED his original grade. The technical numbers say he failed, but the practical numbers say he was a greater success than when he started.

When you see a grade of 97%, you need to know that that's a success. That you got a question or two wrong isn't failure. And you should count yourself blessed with the ability to retain and apply those lessons that were given in class, especially when the rest of the world is trying to apply their intelligence into the best ways to cheat instead of studying. :smallwink:

Further instructions following in the next spoiler. Brace yourself. :smallbiggrin:


lord of kobolds:Y'know, it sounded a lot like Dogmantra was trying to dismiss his problems as petty. TIME TO BREAK IN THAT SLAPPING GOAT! :smalltongue:

Dogmantra
2009-06-06, 08:55 PM
Instead, when you get that 97%, keep it to yourself. When people ask how you did, tell them you did well, and leave it at that.

lord of kobolds:Y'know, it sounded a lot like Dogmantra was trying to dismiss his problems as petty. TIME TO BREAK IN THAT SLAPPING GOAT! :smalltongue:
Which incidentally, is what I try to do... It doesn't help when people say that "it's stupid" for me to do that.

And the goat... well, if it helps with the depression, go ahead.
Hit me as hard as you can!
I mean... It sounded like it was taking over my life, when reading back over it, and it isn't as bad as it sounded...
I'm digging myself out of a hole here...

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-06, 09:59 PM
And the goat... well, if it helps with the depression, go ahead.
Hit me as hard as you can!
I mean... It sounded like it was taking over my life, when reading back over it, and it isn't as bad as it sounded...
I'm digging myself out of a hole here...
You're missing the point, champ. "Rule" number three exists for a reason. In a way, I'M the reason. My tales of woe are numerous, and many people would come to the thread and post things like, "Well, I was going to put up a really long post about something that's bothering me, but after reading Bor's posts, my problems are nothing." That kind of post is a 50/50 win in my book, because I'm glad that they realize things could be worse. It's why I open up about my life so freely.

At the same time, I don't want people believing their problems mean any less because mine are so great. Stress, whatever the source, can become harmful of it finds no release. Not just emotionally, but physically. The theft of my clothes on Wednesday, for example, has had me fighting my diabetes for the last few days. That's why I mention it to anyone with ears. Heck, I even told my neighbor who, while the has ears, is DEAF! I'm trying desperately to brush it aside, since the loss of clothes is not like losing a family member to illness. Still, it's far better to get the emotional poison out than keeping it bottled up.

What's more, your issues didn't "sound" like anything. But they certainly READ like an issue worthy of a response. So I gave one. And inside that response is an important message. It's not what was said; it's how it was said. I like to imagine that, for the most part, I respond with a degree of respect. I also like to try to add a drop of humor, as a smile often helps against depression and other illnesses. Of course, there's also the BIG message that is only implied..."I saw your post and cared enough to say something to you about it, hoping that I helped in some way." That's a universal "I." Whenever anyone responds to a post on this thread, it's saying that they care. That message is one of the best features of this thread. :smallsmile:

Serpentine
2009-06-07, 02:26 AM
Then... well then I was told by my drama teacher ... drama teacher, with no qualifications at all that "I probably had Asperger's" (incidentally, she denies it, saying that she only said that certain things I did were "Aspergic", which pretty much amounts to the same thing).I don't quite get what's so bad about this... My (GP) mum used to think I had OCD, and when I told her that a friend of mine had Asperger's she said that she thought I was more likely to have it than him. Not all "Aspergic" traits are bad... Now I'm thinking I might have/have had Tourette's. If anyone knows anything about it, I'd quite like to ask some questions about it.

I know this because my mother works in mental health, and she (who is actually qualified) would know if something was up.Not necessarily. Ever heard the saying about the cobbler whose children go to school with old shoes, or the plumber with leaking pipes? From my understanding of doctors (or doctory type people), they can range between total hypochondriac (such as my mother) to "it couldn't possibly happen to me/my child/someone I know" and thus ignoring or not noticing things (also my mother, only when it comes to other people).


This brings me to my next, and probably final, point. I have to justify things that make me feel bad about myself. If I get 97% on a test, it's not "yeah! 97%!", it's "what did I get wrong? Oh, I divided instead of multiplied. But that's okay, because I probably remembered the formula incorrectly". Understandably, this gets people quite annoyed, when they're happy about something they've done better than I, and they say so to my face.I can sympathise with this. If I'm talking to a friend and they get, say, 66% (a Credit at my uni), I'll be happy for them. A Credit's a Credit! Very worth having. On the other hand, when I got 97% on an assignment (from a notoriously hard-arse marker, too), I was pretty pleased, but I also figured that, if I could get 97%, why couldn't I get the other 3%? What was the 3% I did wrong?
I don't really have much to help you on this score. I still do it, after all. Just, do yourself the courtesy of acknowledging what you've done right, and use it to motivate you to do better, I guess.

I'm making progress on my D&D game. Not much, but I'm getting there. Once that's done, I won't do anymore preparation 'til I've got my uni work and house under control. A friend of mine, still doing his honours from last year, made me feel a bit better about falling so behind, too.

Exeson
2009-06-07, 03:44 AM
So, here is a question to help kick off the thread then.

I have a very good friend who has depression, I wouldn't be able to tell you what kind or anything because he does not like to talk about it. All I know is that it is mental rather than chemical so they cannot just give him pills for it.

Thing is his depression comes in waves and well, sometimes I just feel a bit helpless. I find it hard to empathize with him because, of course, I don't have the same condition.

My questions is are there any ways (or not as the case may be) that I can maybe help him or cheer him up when he has one of his waves? It just sucks seeing him like that and not really knowing if I can do anything to help.

Dogmantra
2009-06-07, 04:04 AM
I don't quite get what's so bad about this...
It wasn't really the major problem, now I look back. It was just the final straw in a sense. I felt like I was being taken away and being given a "good talking to", and the way she said it sounded like I needed an excuse for being the way I am. That was the worst part.

The Valiant Turtle
2009-06-07, 10:24 AM
((Sorry to interrupt, but for those who might want to assist Bor in is hour of clothing need please see the comment I just made on his blog whenever he gets around to approving it, or just PM me. I have found an exceptionally cheap source of diabetic socks online.))

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-07, 02:35 PM
Okay...I'm going to start with The Valiant Turtle's quest to help me. I HAVE the clothes. It seems people are missing that particular point. When I say "they stole everything," it means that THEY STOLE EVERYTHING. I went shopping the next day, wearing jeans that cut into my waist the entire day. The shirt I wore had the "lowest" amount of sweat stains I could find, and it was found in the pile of ancient tee shirts that I've kept for the purpose of using as dust rags. It was from that same pile that I used three shirts to dry off after a shower, as the thief/thieves stole my last functioning bath towel. I wore two different socks out into the world, both of which were old enough to have turned from white to "tan." (Ahhh...What living in a desert will do to one's clothes!) And, please...Don't push. I'm desperately trying not to bring tales of the condition of my underwear into this whole thing.

I am trying to also avoid soliciting my current needs on these boards. I am leaving that particular plea on my blog. Diabetic socks are what I consider a luxury at this time. I absolutely love that someone is trying to get a "sock drive" going, but standard socks were bought on Thursday because I was left with none but the virtual rags I just happen to have in my closet.

My apologies if this comes across as a frustrated rant, but...well, to use my diabetes as an example, it's as though people are offering me candy bars to help with high blood sugar. "I don't need candy, I need insulin." "Yes, we know. But we have all these candy bars, so have them." "No, that won't help me survive...It'll kill me." "We know. But all we have are candy bars, so here's an entire box of them." The sentiment is to want to help, but the wrong aid is being offered. My blog holds what I actually need. That's as close as I will come to saying it here. I leave it to you folks as to whether or not you go there, and whether or not you can help.

That, I hope, is that.

Exeson: A GitPer called me the other day. Few from the boards have my number, and she realized she was overdue to give me a ring. I was off to the races, venting about the theft of my clothes, going as far as accusing her of arranging the long-distance theft to get her hands on my skivvies. After she laughed at my ranting, she apologized, and I replied, "Oh, come on. Of course you laughed. You laughed because I make it sound funny." And that's how I get my emotional poison out; I try to make it a joke. The alternative is to become embittered and rage against all of humanity. Is it a shock? Yes, because I was robbed of every wearable piece of clothing I owned. Am I angry? Yes, because there's a sense of violation and injustice that comes with being robbed. Am I frustrated? Yes, and I vent it by rambling on to anyone with ears to hear me.

And that's just it. Many who listen to me remain unsure of what to make of me. An hour after the theft, the Phoenix Police Department finally got around to calling me, and Officer Carl asked me the value of what was stolen. When I asked if the PDP will be cutting me a check for the lost items, he said he sincerely doubted it. "Well, on the off chance that they do, all of my Armani shirts and socks were stolen, with a total value of $500." When he was done laughing, we settled on around $150 to $200...I think. I also commented that he needed victims as cheerful as myself, and he said he really did. But he recognized I needed a vent, and he was willing to play the role of understanding ear in that moment in time.

Sometimes, that's all anyone can be. The GitPer and Officer Carl could do nothing BUT listen, as both remain powerless to do anything else. You may not be able to empathize with your friend, but you can certainly be there for him. Let him vent. Offer a hug if you think he'll accept. And if things are serious enough, and you can't handle it all, guide him toward therapy.

Since you mention it may be purely psychological, you might also try jarring him out of his slump. I'm very much against someone saying, "Snap out of it." That just doesn't work. But if you take action without saying the words, that may help him. Change the scenary by dragging him out to a park and getting some fresh air. Take in a movie. Can't get him out of the house? Pop online and look for silly things that will bring smiles and laughter. Can't handle it alone? Call in other friends and get them involved. You don't even have to give specific reasons why. "I need help getting So-N-So off his tuchas. Come help me drag him to the car so he'll have fun...or else!"

Oh...and a GREAT group activity is to pool some money together and buy a notebook. The rules of the game are simple. No one is aloud to tear out pages, nor correct mistakes. You must also leave your entry unfinished. Then start a story, passing the book around to each person for them to add what they will. The resulting story is usually good for MANY laughs. From my own experiences doing this:


Friend 1: Scabba the Immense wandered to and fro, back and forth, from his kitchen,

Me: to his kitchen, to his bathroom,
I...ummm...had failed to notice my previous friend had already mentioned the kitchen once, and mistakes STAY!

Friend 2: wondering all the while why he had two kitchens.

Another favorite:


Friend: It was another job well done. Dunder Klutz wouldn't be "saving" anymore innocents and sending them to the hospital. With that in mind, Roger took a heroic stance, looked to the sky,

Me: and moshed (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mosh).

:smallbiggrin:

In the end, sometimes the best thing you can do is be there for a friend, and let them know you care. :smallsmile:

lord of kobolds
2009-06-07, 08:26 PM
And, I'm back. No surprise there.

The contract is going horribly. I'm having trouble with a lot of the things, and my dad refusing to accept the fact that it is a process. He expects me to be able to follow it to the letter immediately. Almost everything in there is something that does not come easily, and he refuses to recognize that. He keeps on talking about the "sacrifices" he is making. He says he is going against his instinct to view me as an individual. I don't know if he was joking or not, but either way, it's inexcusable. I'll admit, the contract has not been my first priority. That has been just getting through the day. Even doing that is becoming a struggle.

golentan
2009-06-08, 12:10 AM
Okay, groundrules first, because when I posted in the last thread someone made some leaps that sent me off on a tailspin, and I didn't bother coming back until now. The rules are:

1. I am not schizophrenic. Any use of this term will make me very upset. I am schizoaffective, which is a fancy word for (as far as I can tell) "well, he doesn't meet any of the other symptoms, and we have no clue what's actually wrong, but he has psychosis and is upset about it so we'll throw in this word and say we've got it diagnosed."
2. I do not "hear voices." Nor do I "see things." Hallucinations are right out. This is especially not to be combined with violations of rule 1.
3. I am not taking comments on my medication or dosage. I have a very good Psychiatrist, who I see on a regular basis. We are working on things from that aspect, and saying "try asking for an adjustment of your dosage" is not helpful, thank you very much.
4. I am here to talk because it feels good to be able to talk honestly without people panicking and either dismissing me as "crazy" (which people I meet casually are likely to do) or thinking I'm going to go off the deep end (which some of the more protective people close to me think, even though they didn't see what I ACTUALLY look like prior to going off the deep end). I like my life, and I like myself, and that includes all of my memories and weirdness, even if they do make life difficult from time to time. And there are things that worry me, that I don't want to share with all of my friends because it's NOT THEIR BURDEN and I'll be DAMNED before I see them worrying about things they can't help. They are a very good support network, and I use them for issues they can help with. I am here to rant about the things they can't help with, because it's good to know other people know. With that in mind, if you know me IRL please don't read the spoilers.

Okay, quick recap. I am schizoaffective. The only medication we've found that decreases the depression increases psychosis, and vice versa. My symptoms are delusions (memories of colossal power, ancient atrocities, and millennia of reincarnation) and depression (Feeling mopey and tired, with very low self-esteem). The depression is post-traumatic, in that I tried committing suicide before displaying any symptoms of it, and for no explicable reason, and the depression manifested afterwards. I am high-functioning, intelligent, erudite, and aware of things being improbable or impossible even when I am in the unshakable death grip of believing them. CLEAR?

Okay, on to the crux of the matter. I have been almost entirely depression free for months now. And with an unclouded eye, I have begun to look to what makes ME happy, and you know what? It isn't what makes everyone else happy. Most people at my intellectual level go through school, specialize, and go off and get a high paying job which they profess to enjoy. School is a major stressor for me, with high volumes of makework, high cost, and low personal returns. I took a class recently where I didn't turn in any of the homework, didn't do the assignments, missed a good 6 solid weeks of class, and studied for a full and glorious half hour the night of the test. I got a 95% on that final, and then had to explain that yes, I knew the material and hadn't cheated, and yes, I knew I hadn't met the syllabus requirements for passing, and yes, I was willing to accept the consequences of that. The teacher gave me a final grade of a B.

So I looked back. I've been passed forward through the school system for years now, coasting by on my testing scores, because while I like learning I wasn't getting anything from the classes. I did my studying when and where I chose, and quite frankly the teachers, the classroom, and the homework were all useless to that. The (very) rare teacher would take me on side projects that were worthwhile, but that was always outside the curriculum. I've been passed on up the system my whole life because I'm "too smart to fail," and because I didn't have the guts to stand up and call the system on it's worthlessness and admit that I was bored and didn't care about the work. Well screw that.

What does make me happy? Learning things. I mean, ACTUALLY LEARNING. Writing, reading, problem solving. Talking to people. Building things, actually taking materials and tools and crafting stuff with my own two hands. So I thought about it for a while, and decided to leave school. I'm looking for a job where I can exercise one or more of these talent sets, and I'm doing some writing in the meantime. This is where the problem starts. To keep my parents from worrying, I started job hunting so when the time came I could let them know that even though I had departed, I had plans lined up. I was trying to set it up so they wouldn't have to worry and wouldn't think I was having a breakdown. Given the state of the economy, that hasn't worked out so hot, and I had to inform them before the deadline for withdrawal. They... panicked. And since I have self esteem issues (quickest way to actually give me a breakdown is to make me feel I've let someone down) and they have been having whispered conversations just out of earshot, I'm slowly turning into a nervous wreck BECAUSE they're worried about me turning into a nervous wreck.

Meanwhile I'm having more trouble relating to people. Or rather, I'm having the same troubles, but I'm getting more tired of pretending I understand other people. A full rant would be time consuming and counterproductive, but people have bizarre and occasionally disturbing attitudes from my point of view, expect me to actively embrace these things (or call me a bigot when I say "I don't understand that at all, but I accept the right to it as it hurts nobody else and will listen to any explanation you care to give"), and have a tendency to shove their emotional baggage down my throat. Relationship status is terrible and confusing and requires a flowchart to explain in full (for simplistic version minus recent events, I have a post a few weeks back in Relationship Woes and Advice), and my best friend's cell phone is down (computer was) so I haven't talked to him in weeks. Being back at my parent's home until I get enough coin to rent my own room, I have nobody local to talk too until I get some contacts. And when I have trouble relating, I go deeper into refuge in my delusions, which in turn makes it harder to relate to people. My antipsychotic never makes it so the delusions go away. I always carry those memories, it's just that the antipsychotic makes it easier to push them to the back of my mind.

And you know something? I'm not sure I want to push it all to the back of my mind anymore. It never impaired my ability to function, though I strongly suspect that mentioning it got me wrongfully fired once (can't prove it, though) and some folks see it as an excuse to play All Of The Other Reindeer (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AllOfTheOtherReindeer) at my expense. There's a lot of character shaping stuff in my 8000+ years of probably fake memories. Stuff both subtle and sublime. Yes, there were terrible things, immense pains, and things I feel horribly guilty about. But there was also love, and happiness, and centuries upon centuries of life. Life that I can be proud of. And some things have even made me question if it was false. I did a record search the other week, and found that not only did one of my recent remembered personas exist, but so did her husband, and children, and I located a great-grandchild living about a hundred miles from me. I went and saw them, didn't say anything, and am not going back (how creepy would that be? It gives me about a 9.5 on my creepometer) but it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. And I will never, never give up my memories of Ahma. I would sooner die then part with a single remembered second with them.

So, the short of it to recap is that I'm upset about my job hunt, worried the concerns of my family are turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy, upset that people are hard to understand and get ahold of, and feeling ambivalent about my psychosis, given that it never significantly impaired my functioning except when bastards worried it might and dumped heaping piles of crap on me. And in trying to be a happier person, things seem to be conspiring to throw me back down the road to depression. Which HAS significantly impaired my functioning before.

Yarram
2009-06-08, 09:28 AM
Okay, quick recap. I am schizoaffective. The only medication we've found that decreases the depression increases psychosis, and vice versa. My symptoms are delusions (memories of colossal power, ancient atrocities, and millennia of reincarnation)
I did a record search the other week, and found that not only did one of my recent remembered personas exist, but so did her husband, and children, and I located a great-grandchild living about a hundred miles from me. I went and saw them, didn't say anything, and am not going back (how creepy would that be? It gives me about a 9.5 on my creepometer) but it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. And I will never, never give up my memories of Ahma. I would sooner die then part with a single remembered second with them.


It is so cool that you have memories that last that far back... So cool.
I would totally:
1. Visit them
2. Pretend to be pyschic
3. Better yet, actually BE psychic
4. ???
5. Profit!
But then I guess not, as If I were you, I'd be you circumstantially too so I would do the exact same thing as you. EDIT: And get this, if I were you, you'd be me, and you'd be saying the exact same thing to me right now. Isn't that a paradox...

I can also support you on the learning thing. It is definitely more satisfying to learn new things and to build a vast database of knowledge than to perform any sort of job.

EDIT:EDIT: It'd be awesome if you wrote an auto-biography about some of your past lives.

loopy
2009-06-08, 10:24 AM
EDIT:EDIT: It'd be awesome if you wrote an auto-biography about some of your past lives.

You could release it as the next OT stage of Dianetics. :smalltongue:

Okay, so I've got some fairly major issues to vent about, and I'd like some nice GitP person to rage/cry/complain to. Anyone want to PM me and volunteer? Thanks in advance.

EDIT: Got my volunteers, don't want to hog everyones attention. :smallredface:

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-08, 02:42 PM
golentan:Facinating. Absolutely fascinating. There are so many facets to your issues that I honestly don't know where to begin. What's more, you're not asking for help. You're simply saying, "Here are my issues, these are the things that bother me, I know the solutions, and if the world would play nice with me, I'll play nice with the world."

Mathematically, one could see it as: A + B + C + D + E + F + G = 1,000,000. A = 1. Solve for E. It's maddening because, as viewed by someone who is not you, all I know is that A = 1. After that, there are thousands of possibilities as to what all the other numbers could be. The sum represents you as a person, and lonely ol' A is the fact that you were born.

And to be so congnitive of your problems. Many times, people come here with a problem that seems like the old joke:

A man walks into the doctor's office, starts flailing his left arm around, and says, "Doc, it hurts when I do this."

The doctor replies, "Then don't do that."
I am as much a victim of the process myself, and occasionally have had to have people tell me that which should have been obvious.

Personally, I think writing is a FANTASTIC hobby for you, as your mind will likely go places no one else thought to go. Harry Turtledove became famous for writing alternate histories; I'm reading Guns of the South for the second time, with the premise: what if the Confederate Army had been armed with AK-47s. The alternate histories roaming your mind might well make for fascinating reading.

Also, if you're of a mind to write screenplays, I recommend two books. The first is Adventures in the Screentrade, by Academy Award winning writer William Goldman. The other is How NOT to Write a Screenplay, by Denny Martin Flinn. I'm afraid finding these will mean a trek to the library, but both are great reads. In fact, I own a copy of the second, and consider it my "Screenplay Writing Bible."

While writing could be a minimal use of your hands, it's your desire to create that is addressed. If it's something you want to pursue, I can even take the time to teach you "the Magic of the Five Drafts" that I use when writing.

Anyway, I personally think you have matters well in hand. Venting without wanting a response is perfectly fine. The only reason I'm saying anything is to say, "I think I understand what you're saying," and to offer a few extra ideas.

I ask only ONE thing. I wasn't here for whatever it was that happened when the difference between schizophrenia and schizoaffective was skewed. Those who don't truly understand mental illness are quick to judge and make monstrous mistakes without giving it a second thought. (I got a "snap out of it" speech from my brother, yesterday.) Criticism, be it from strangers or those closest to us, can cause psychological fuses to explode. Try to be a bit more benevolent in their misunderstandings. Take the time to explain as kindly as you can, instead of letting every explosion control you. I know from my own experiences that it's difficult, and those blown fuses sometimes get the better of me.

Let us, together, test our ability to command our emotions.

"Niagra Falls (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nr6VBg1SiYI)."

:smallbiggrin:

Dallas-Dakota
2009-06-08, 02:48 PM
:sigh:

I see my 'home' has changed. It is not home anymore.
Apparently the You Picture thread and the Depression thread, one of the last remaining 'bastions' have turned into copies of random banter.
I need, it. But its gone now. Also most of the people I once was close with and regularly talked with are gone now.
My fears are growing and with that, depression.
I'm going to post this.....I'm doubting....

Also, my pride, which is practically me thinking I'm good at speaking the english language, got harshly bashed at the college I wanted to get into most. Followed by a rejection letter a couple of weeks later.

And the other college.....Well one(art & design) course seems mainly playing a silly race game and the other(IT) seems mainly playing WoW......


I have a job interview tomorrow and a interview for the Art & Design the day after that.

My mind is currently very, very, very messed up.
:sigh:

Yes....I've done a lot of sighing IRL while typing this post.
Also my mind is going down.....I find that I grow tired faster and that my brains aren't taking social interaction well.

:sigh:

I have no idea if this was all, oh hmm, yes, I'm getting absolutely no reviews on my blog, have no way of checking if its even gettings hits. And my other writings have half-halted and those which I do continue writing are just getting one or two comments. (Love those two people very much, even if one of them only says 'good job'). Please don't ask for the other writings. Sorry, confusing.

Well my mind isn't working. I'm currently litteraly auto-typing now.....

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-08, 04:16 PM
DD:Look, little buddy...The whole blog thing is not really for the world to drop in and comment, although it's nice when people care enough to say something. It's a tool for people like you and me. While I have all of 10 followers, there are more that haven't actively clocked the "follow" button, and some who have do exactly that, yet don't actually sit to read what I post.

Try not to view it as a measure of how popular you are. If people care about you, they'll let you know in many other ways, other than visiting your blog.

Look up this page. Valiant Turtle posted a potential drive for diabetic socks for me. Ultimately, I'm touched at the idea people want to do this for me. At the same time, it's not what I need now. And because of a lack of vocal tones, I fear he may feel that I simply shot down the idea. Not true at all. What I need is something other than socks, and so I tried to clarify.

What means the most to me - that which is most valuable - is the IDEA of helping. Those who reply to me and my blog...well, some of them are minors. It pains me to reply, "Thank you, but unless you have parental approval, you're not allowed to help." Still, the fact that they WANT to help is what we call in Yiddish a mitzvah (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/mitzvah). (See definition 2.) It shows what's in their hearts, and that means a lot to me.

So stop seeking concrete evidence of approval. From various posts around these boards, love for you is all over the place, even if it's not on your blog. :smallsmile:

As for your other issues...Well, I left a comment on your blog. You really do need to get a handle on this little thing called "Life." You will have to take the blessings you receive and treasure them for the rare things that they are, because, unfortunately, there will be more negative aspects than positive. Cherrish the positive and try your best to let the negative slip past you. Sometimes it's all we can do when we meet with perpetual rejection.

Oh...Yes, I agree that the You Thread has become more akin to random banter. And it WAS happening here, which is why "Rule" number five became what it is. All I can do is ASK that people keep it to a minimum. Beyond that, I have no power whatsoever, nor would I want it. It's yet another matter of suffering through what's happening, and praying that the good will shine through in the end.

And that's all I have for you at this moment, Little Buddy. This is "the Skipper," signing off. :smallwink:

Narmoth
2009-06-08, 04:21 PM
DD, I think you should apply to more colleges if you can. One of my friends applied to one, sent his stuff, and got a letter suggesting he should rethink his career choice.
He then was contacted by another college and sent his stuff, and got inn. As far as I have understood it, it's the same courses, and the same general area.

The Extinguisher
2009-06-09, 06:20 PM
I feel like my life is catching up with me too fast. School, love, friends, work, and becoming an adult are all attacking me and are always at odds with each other. And I want it to stop and the only things I can think of aren't the most appealing of solutions.

V'icternus
2009-06-09, 09:20 PM
Just venting, you know the drill...

Asside from all the stuff I said on the last thread, I'm now really worried about school and stuff... I'm not sure how well I did, especially with History. I hate the way my Mum puts so much focus on my schoolwork and makes it seem like the most improtant thing in the world, when my philosophy involves the words "things don't matter". :smallsigh:

Anyway, that's it for now... (Asside from the other normal stuff)

Sorry I couldn't offer any advice this tiem 'round, but I have none.

Cheesegear
2009-06-09, 09:55 PM
Well, V'ictenus;


I hate the way my Mum puts so much focus on my schoolwork and makes it seem like the most improtant thing in the world, when my philosophy involves the words "things don't matter".

And that's why Philosophy Majors aren't useful (apologies to anyone who has one!). 'Nothing matters' never ends well. Never. How old are you? Do you have a job? How do you earn money? Chances are, right now, school is the most important thing in the world.

1) It gets you out of the house
2) It lets you socialise, whether you want to or not. I believe it's important to be around people. So, even now, when I hate everyone in the world; I still go to the park and feed the ducks and say "Hello" to people who pass me by. And actually have a chat to some of the nicer folk.
(Even though it's illegal to feed the ducks, I still do it anyway. And that $75 fine I get every now and then, is definitely worth me not killing myself)
3) It gives you an education. Whether you need it or not, is rarely up to you. Because >95% of the time, you do need it.

Then again; It all depends on what grade you're in. And how much your parents are willing to support you after you finish (or don't finish :smalleek:) High School?

If you're in say, Grade 8. Then no. School matters very little. Aside from what your teachers will think of you in the coming years when you want to take their classes.
If the answer is "I'm in senior year, and my parents are kicking me out once I turn 18." then, yes; School matters very, very much. I wish I could make more people of the current school-going generation believe that.

Maybe it's a pride-thing, but, if I had less education and was currently earning minimum wage, I think I'd be doing 'less well' (probably already dead, truth be told) than I am now. And I am very grateful towards Mum and Dad when they both kicked my behind and told me to pull my finger out.
I got my education, got my fairly decent job working in the Health System, which, in turn gives me a truckload of 'wiggle-room' when it comes to getting my degree - and, eventually a job that I really want. And my job helps to pay for those fines I get for feeding the ducks.

If you don't try, then things will never get better. And, if you don't try in school, your life is only going to get worse... Unless you have the most amazing idea ever involving a truckload of creativity and the money to back it up. I will admit that school is for everybody. But, there are a lot of people right now who left school that probably shouldn't have.

And money comes from having a job. And jobs come from education. And the more education you have, the better job you can get, directly equals to how much money you can have to do what you really want to do. There's a very good reason why your Mum puts focus on your schoolwork. But, I wont discuss this anymore than that.

Life does get better after High School for most people, because the majority of them try. That big, stupid jock who beat everyone up in High School, gets a dead-end job. Primarily because he's stupid and didn't learn anything in School.

V'icternus
2009-06-09, 10:07 PM
Well, I'm with distance education, so there's no "out of the house" or "social" aspect of school. But yeah, education's the only reason I do it.

I just hate that I don't even get "good morning" anymore, it's all about schoolwork.

I don't have a job, yet, but next year I plan to find one.

Oh, and I'm seventeen...

Syka
2009-06-09, 11:06 PM
This is me getting some stuff out that I can't talk to most others about because I feel it's inappropriate to share certain things about my friends. Also I'm hoping this'll maybe help people open up to friends about what's going on in their life. Most of the time we want to help you in anyway we can. :)

A friend of mine was diagnosed with schizophrenia in March. Which kind? All. Yes, all. At various times he is symptomatic of all schizophrenic subtypes. This poor kid has been through hell and back, for the last year he was told he was close to dying, he had Chron's, and was in and out of hospitals and surgeries. It wasn't until December (9 months after illness onset) they finally figured out he had appendicitis that abscessed into his colon and he was septic. :smallconfused:

Either way, that combined with other stuff from earlier in his life contributed to him finally having a break down and the schizophrenia manifesting.

I cannot tell you how proud I am of him. He was the one who checked himself into the psych ward, knowing something wasn't right, despite his mom not wanting him too. He wants to be on the meds despite their nasty side effects. He is not ashamed.

What makes me feel bad is my boyfriend and a mutual friend of all of ours still don't know really how to handle this. The meds D is on make him kind of needy so he was calling Oz and Z multiple times a day and they took to ignoring most of his calls, and Oz has mentioned that he feels like he's walking on egg shells.

I spent a couple hours talking with D last week and it was great. It was one of the first times we've had one-on-one time and I didn't get any impression that one needed to walk on egg shells. But he knew the guys were uncomfortable and not sure how to handle it. He told me stuff he hasn't told the guys, probably because I understood. I've been in similar (although no where near as severe, and not mental) situations and I have studied schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. When Oz told me about the whole thing I'd said "Oh, ok. Is he doing OK?" But most people worry he's going to go homicidal...which, while a possibility due to some of what his voice says, is unlikely to the extreme while he is on medication that allows him to ignore said voice.

Oz is slowly realizing D is still D, but this whole experience has been...enlightening. Schizophrenia is no longer something I have studied. It affects someone who is close to me and mine and to see it from this perspective is odd.

But most of all, we're slowly getting our friend back. They are still working on dosages and medications, so the last couples months and next few will be rocky but, he's still here. I know I'm going to worry about him more now, particularly at the concert next month (he is dealing with crowd/overload issues), but I'm glad he has a good support structure here.

Serpentine
2009-06-09, 11:40 PM
:sigh:

I see my 'home' has changed. It is not home anymore.
Apparently the You Picture thread and the Depression thread, one of the last remaining 'bastions' have turned into copies of random banter.
I need, it. But its gone now. Also most of the people I once was close with and regularly talked with are gone now.
My fears are growing and with that, depression.
I'm going to post this.....I'm doubting....

Also, my pride, which is practically me thinking I'm good at speaking the english language, got harshly bashed at the college I wanted to get into most. Followed by a rejection letter a couple of weeks later.

And the other college.....Well one(art & design) course seems mainly playing a silly race game and the other(IT) seems mainly playing WoW......


I have a job interview tomorrow and a interview for the Art & Design the day after that.

My mind is currently very, very, very messed up.
:sigh:

Yes....I've done a lot of sighing IRL while typing this post.
Also my mind is going down.....I find that I grow tired faster and that my brains aren't taking social interaction well.

:sigh:

I have no idea if this was all, oh hmm, yes, I'm getting absolutely no reviews on my blog, have no way of checking if its even gettings hits. And my other writings have half-halted and those which I do continue writing are just getting one or two comments. (Love those two people very much, even if one of them only says 'good job'). Please don't ask for the other writings. Sorry, confusing.

Well my mind isn't working. I'm currently litteraly auto-typing now.....Lets see now...
Whoa, you're old enough to be applying for university?! :smalleek: Aren't you, like, 11? :smalltongue: I kid, I kid. It's just I didn't even start looking at unis 'til my last year of high school, when I was 16/17, and almost everyone else in my year was 17/18.
The You thread goes through cycles. It'll get back in order eventually. I'm afraid I don't see it for this one...
As for your grasp of English: Just looking at this post you have near-perfect construction, grammar, spelling, punctuation and... uh... word choice... (why is it always that word I forget? :smalltongue:) (elipses only have 3 dots, more is redundant and kinda ugly-looking). Of course, writing ability != speaking ability. Maybe you should try reading your and others' posts out loud, to practice, if your oral English skills aren't up to scratch?
With the colleges, I'm afraid I can't really sympathise with the rejection bit because in Australia, at least, each course at every university has its own minimum ENTER score. If you don't reach that in your HSC, then you will not be accepted unless you ask for special permission, and I got the score for my 2nd or 3rd choice. So, alas, can't offer any help there :smallfrown: I'm not sure exactly what you're talking about with the other two colleges. I would suggest that, if your problem is that most of the people doing it mess around or something, that doesn't mean everyone is, that you have to, or that the lecturers aren't serious about what they do - they could be screaming out for someone just like you. Basically, I'd give them a chance. You can change unis later if you need to, can't you?
Would it make you feel any better if I said the only blog I've ever read was Bor's, and that only a few times, but that doesn't mean I don't like anyone except Bor? I also don't tend to read people's stuff much. I constantly pick at them, and not only do I not enjoy the item as much as I'd like to (especially reading on the computer), but I just end up annoying and/or demoralising the writer. I think it takes a special sort of a person to be into reading other people's ameture(sp?) work - and you've got two! That's pretty good, really!
Cookers, I've said before, I think, that you started of kinda shaky but settled right in to become a welcome institution here. I really meant it.
Now to wait for a certain other too-young-looking overexcitable lad to catch up to you... :smalltongue:

Neko Toast
2009-06-10, 04:48 PM
I tend to pop in here from time to time to vent. This is another one of those times.

My life has become more stressful now that I'm home. Most of it seems to revolve around my father. For a very long time now (we're talking years), the most conversation I've ever gotten out of him is him lecturing me on this and that. "Keep your grades up" was the big one during high school. "College is important" popped up every now and then. Dunno why, because I actually looked forward to college, partly as an escape.

These days, it's "Get a job" and "Why aren't you going to church at school". The job one is worse. He hates that I'm being choosy. I admit, you really can't be too choosy in today's job market, but I want to have a job that I will enjoy to some extent. Working full time is unnecessary at the moment (he acts like I'm paying off my loans now, when this won't happen until I'm done with school. Saving is a good idea, and I plan to. But even if I work a full-time job, saving money after using it for other expenses won't amount to enough to pay off a couple years of school), and tends to drain me mentally. 20 hours a week seems fine to me, but to him I should be working close to 40. Work work work. It's all he really seems to care about.

The biggest reason why I don't want to work full time at this moment is because I don't want to end up like him in the future. He's always so concerned about work, and when I look at him, he never seems happy. I... don't want to be like that when I'm an adult. I want to enjoy life, not just worry about it all the time.

Another problem I have with him is that he never really seems concerned about me personally. Based on what he's said to me most of my life, he seems to care more about my success than me. Just take this past week for example. I've been ill since Saturday (if you haven't seen the tread asking for medical advice on the forums). Based on his actions, attitude, and what he's said, his response was "Suck it up". On Monday night, I woke up at 2 AM with abdominal pain and stomach upset so bad that I couldn't even sleep. That morning, due to the symptoms and the lack of sleep, I could barely get around the house. I called in to my work and left a message saying I was sick, and set up an appointment with my doctor. My dad was suspecting that I would do this, so he called that morning around the time that I would be at work. At that time, no one would be home, so I would give it away by answering it. I did the adult thing and picked up the phone. The very first words that came out of his mouth were "Why aren't you at work".

They say that parents nag and push you for success out of love, but I'm starting to have my doubts. In my opinion, he's driving me to be successful because I might possibly be the only one who will be. My brother has been struggling with grades, is rude to a lot of people (including my parents), and is generally a spoiled brat. One time, my mom and I were talking (don't remember what) and she finished one sentence with "if your brother goes to college." I inquired her about it, and she said that she had doubts whether or not my brother would be accepted anywhere. It's like they now consider him a lost cause, and now every ounce of responsibility is on me. I know it comes with being the eldest, but this seems overboard.

I dunno... I've been wanting to seek therapy for a while now, but my dad would probably get angry about that somehow too, saying that "I don't need it" or something. Even if he did let me go, he would want the "give it a name and a medication" treatment. I'll have to do it in secret if I want it at all.

*sigh* Though I had problems with college, it wasn't as bad as this. I miss it.

I thank anyone who took the time to read that. It's always nice when someone sits down and actually listens to someone else.

KataraAltinaII
2009-06-10, 06:01 PM
Just venting, you know the drill...

Asside from all the stuff I said on the last thread, I'm now really worried about school and stuff... I'm not sure how well I did, especially with History. I hate the way my Mum puts so much focus on my schoolwork and makes it seem like the most improtant thing in the world, when my philosophy involves the words "things don't matter". :smallsigh:

Anyway, that's it for now... (Asside from the other normal stuff)

Sorry I couldn't offer any advice this tiem 'round, but I have none.
This one gets answered more towards the end of the post, as there's a similar rant that this one seems related to.

All in all though, Philosophy isn't going to help very much in the real world except for how you decide to live life. Things DO matter, particularly if said "things" are education, and especially if we're talking about whether or not they matter in the real world.

education matters because most high-paying jobs aren't going to hire random dumb-shmucks with a half-assed high school education. Sure you don't have to be a multimillionaire to live through life, but having a decent career is always a good idea, and with education, many more doors are open, and you're less likely to become a garbage man or to be flipping burgers all your life. [although, at 16/17/18, flipping burgers is not a bad job at all.]

I guess that would ultimately depend on what sort of "standards" you have set for your life. id you're content with living in an apartment living paycheck to paycheck, then that's perfectly fine, and most of my argument here can be nullified. However, if you expect to live a higher-class lifestyle with a nice car and a few extra luxuries, you're gonna have to work for it. [or become INCREDIBLY lucky at the lotto or finding a gold mine or something]

just a little piece of advice for ya... you know... about how the real world is...? :smallwink:

Well, I'm with distance education, so there's no "out of the house" or "social" aspect of school. But yeah, education's the only reason I do it.

I just hate that I don't even get "good morning" anymore, it's all about schoolwork.

I don't have a job, yet, but next year I plan to find one.

Oh, and I'm seventeen...

ah... the world where parents stop saying "Good morning"

it happened to me a while ago.
I learned that generally, people won't say "good morning" if they're not having a good morning, obviously. I know my parents are those types of people. When they're pissed off for whatever reason, I always try to find out what's wrong. instead of worrying about the me, me, me, I think a little outside of my comfort zone into "why are they mad, and how can I keep them from getting more upset? :smalleek:

why? because with parents, there's benefits. When they're in good moods, they're less likely to get on your butt about whatever. :smallsmile:

as for getting a job, don't wait. 17, hell, 16, is the prime age to starts job hunting. Besides, just because you APPLY for a job doesn't mean you're going to get one [unless you're RETURNING to a job like I was, in the which case count yourself as lucky]
Moreover, at least over here in the states, it's usually a couple of weeks before you get started anyways, but that's rambling a little off-topic.

in essence though, until you get a job, life pretty much IS about schoolwork unless you want to be a bum on the streets. Then, as people get older, life becomes about school and work. When college is over, then life is about work.

That's about how life rolls. Life isn't about fun and games if you're hoping to get any $$$.

and I may not know what in 3 days' grace distance education is, but for all I care, it's close enough to homeschooling, where again, I've got experience.

There's not much in the social aspect of school that you're missing. as long as you have a good education program in use, stick with that. Life may suck, but high school sucks WAY more. :smalltongue:

so... with that in mind, basically, if the people around you give you crap, just find a way out of the house. Heck, I do that all the time just for the sake of getting out. I sometimes don't even have a destination in mind, I just do whatever.

and sooooo... moving on.

I tend to pop in here from time to time to vent. This is another one of those times.
I thank anyone who took the time to read that. It's always nice when someone sits down and actually listens to someone else.
I read it, and wowza... that sounds like a more extreme version of how things were at my house.

I highly doubt the "love" thing as well. My parents expect a lot out of me because my twin brother screwed up a lot of things. Sure it is things that would help me, but all in all, some of it seems more like things that THEY want, not what I want.

There are a few major factors that would affect the advice I give.
if you're old enough [you said something something about college I believe] then TELL THEM THAT! one thing that always irked me about parents is that soemtimes they don't know when to stop being parents--to stop ttrying to lead you by the hand. sometimes, you just need to be able to make your own decisions, even if they ARE the wrong ones... if nothing else, then to learn not to screw up again.

and of course, another factor is if you're living in their house. If you are and don't like it, try to move out ASAP. if you DON'T live with them, then disregard their wants and do what you think you need to in order to get along in life.

Don't EVER let people decide what they want you to do. God gave you Free Agency, and so use it. [and that was just tossed in. I'm not getting into religion]

as for my ramblings about how MY life sucks... my life doesn't really suck except for a few spiritual issues that I don't think could be helped on here. A while ago I was thinking about moving out, but then decided against it, as I weighed the options and found that almost everything weighed in my favor.

So... whilst I don't have a rant to present, I've got answers to other rants due to my seemingly vast experience

Neko Toast
2009-06-10, 07:34 PM
Katara, I appreciate the advice. Moving out seems like a good idea, but not a smart one. I'm tight on funds, and still looking for a job (I technically have one now, but don't plan on having it for much longer. Telemarketing is suckage. Plus, it's a very temporary job). Even if it's only for a couple months, I think it's better off for me to just stick it out at home. Hopefully I'll find a job that's good enough for it to be an escape from home.

Mr. Mud
2009-06-10, 08:25 PM
Poorly Constructed Non-Sober Rant ahead :smallfrown:, directed at my girlfriend who doesn't pay enough attention to me to notice I post on GitP, and therefore isn't a reader or member... Too bad, that's: The fact my trust has been used and abused so many times, by some many different people, so many different ways, and the fact my girlfriend has been choosing to hang out with the guys in her neighborhood every night for the past 2 months, and seemingly overlooking me, is really starting to tear my heart apart... It seems like the very last rope (her), I'm hanging on to is tearing... ever so slowly. She swears she loves me, she swears she doesn't like to hurt me; why then, can't she learn one less over our 4 year relationship: "I really need you to actually show me that you love me, except for one night ever 8 months or so when I'm thinking of breaking it. You constantly over look me. I give you everything I have, and you give me 2 minute phone calls when the other guys are off doing something, and you don't have anything better to do. Just please, DON'T NEGLECT ME.". She never learns her lesson. She tells me she wants to try other thing and then come back to me... Am I her little trinket that she puts on when she pleases, or needs to, then puts away in a jewelry box for next time?

I'm not going to stand for lying next to the set of diamond earrings I got her 1 year ago to this day. I'm so tired of you hurting me :frown:.

Sorry if this isn't relevant. I need to write this somewhere where people won't judge me... Thank you playground =/.

KataraAltinaII
2009-06-10, 08:37 PM
Katara, I appreciate the advice. Moving out seems like a good idea, but not a smart one. I'm tight on funds, and still looking for a job (I technically have one now, but don't plan on having it for much longer. Telemarketing is suckage. Plus, it's a very temporary job). Even if it's only for a couple months, I think it's better off for me to just stick it out at home. Hopefully I'll find a job that's good enough for it to be an escape from home.

understandable. That's exactly how I felt. I felt that moving out would be the best idea, but not very smart once I looked at it. I saw it as "I'll tough out these next few months till I can get back to college"

and incidentally, my days got better.
of course, I can't guarantee this same luck, but you never know.
and yeah, telemarketing isn't something I can say I'm fond of.

but yeah, a couple months can get you a couple thousand extra dollars. one vast advantage about living with mom and pop is that there's no rent involved [unless they're evil]. the $100/month thing though IS true, as I've done it, and I work 20-25 hours a week at Sonic. [a drive-in fast food place for anyone who doesn't know.]

Lycanthromancer
2009-06-10, 09:02 PM
As a preface, I really hope my story helps some of you. For those of you wanting to get better, to feel better, this is likely the best chance you'll ever get. Especially for those with long-term, clinical depression (or any other chronic disease, really). I've been there. I've done that. I know what it's like to suffer, and I know how great it is to get better.

Just keep reading, please.

...

I used to suffer from depression so very badly, both dysthymic and severe. I felt down and just bad all the time. I had panic attacks, severe anxiety all day long, and got so stressed out for such long periods of time that I'd literally begin hallucinating as my mind snapped. There were days when I couldn't leave my room, and I'd pass out from hyperventilation if someone made me.

I was extremely overweight (I weighed over 300 lbs when I was 11, and my weight only went up from there), I was sick all the time, had constant headaches, and my blood sugar would plummet whenever I exerted myself. I also found myself having to gorge on food almost constantly, because I'd get so hungry that I'd double over with abdominal cramps.

I'd lived with misery for a very long time, for nearly 25 years (to give you an idea of how much of my life was spent suffering, I turned 29 in February). My life was a living hell, I couldn't function, and none of my family was sympathetic; they just assumed I was mopey and lazy. The cold, hard reality was that I was so miserable that I was ready to commit suicide numerous times (and probably would have, if I didn't have a panic attack every time I thought of it).

Depression medications did strange and terrible things to me. Every time I'd take anything my body and mind went haywire. One time when I'd started on a new med, for example, a quarter of a dose knocked me unconscious for over 3 days straight; I awoke lying in my own filth. And that was one of the better side-effects. So medications were out.

Exercise didn't help, either. About 10 years ago I started exercising, determined to change things, and managed to work my way out of passing out every time I pushed myself, though I'd still occasionally collapse from low blood sugar. I somehow managed to push myself to the point where I was exercising, and hard, for over 30 hours a week. I was eating 1200-1500 calories a day (mostly fruits and vegetables - which, luckily, I love). And I was gaining more weight than when I gorged myself (and not muscle, either).

I was desperate, and the doctors I saw either didn't realize how bad it was, or didn't care. The advice they gave, "just get over it," and "exercise and diet" certainly didn't do a damned thing to help.

I started doing research into why nothing helped, and found out some things that made me both very frightened, and very angry.

It turns out that the food that we eat, the stuff that's supposed to be so good for us, like fruits and vegetables? There's nothing in them. Because of the shortcuts that most farmers take to increase their profits, (http://www.eartheasy.com/blog/2009/05/fruits-and-vegetables-yielding-fewer-nutrients-than-in-the-past/) the plants they grow LOOK pretty, but they're growing with few-to-no nutrients in them, because of the cheap fertilizer they're using and the pesticides and such they spray on. One batch of oranges that were tested in a lab didn't have a drop of vitamin C in any of them.

And it seems that no matter how much of the 'good stuff' you eat, your body is starving for nutrition. And when your body doesn't have the tools it needs to stay healthy, it starts breaking down, and you get sick.

For me, the 'sick' was obesity, hypoglycemia, depression, stress, anxiety, panic attacks, and a host of other problems.

And so I started looking for a high-quality nutritional supplement to take, because I couldn't live in abject misery anymore; if this last-ditch effort didn't work, that was it. I was finally consigned to kill myself to end it all.

Problem is, here in the USA nutritional supplements are just barely regulated. The stuff I could get in health-food stores has to contain just 60% of what the labels claim, and that's not good enough. On top of that, most are just barely absorb-able (vitamin pills such as Centrum pass through your digestive system whole, because the body can't break them down).

I had to find supplemental nutrition that was made by a company that believed in helping people, and formulated its products with that in mind.

And you know what? I found one. One of the best, most stringently-tested products in the world, according to my research. I began supplementing my diet, and the pounds suddenly started dropping. I started having lots of energy, felt better than I had in...well...ever...and the miserable malaise I'd suffered with for decades steadily went away.

I no longer have panic attacks. I no longer feel stressed out constantly. I dropped a grand total of more than 400 lbs.

And. I. Feel. GREAT. I feel normal. I finally feel happy. It's almost hard to remember the angry, bitter, spiteful person I used to be.

It hurts to recall how I used to feel, and it hurts me whenever others are suffering like I used to; and so I decided I had to start telling people about it. And I figured that, since this stuff can only be gotten from distributors, that the best way to get the word out is to sell it myself.

Enter Reliv (http://www.reliv.com).

I know that advertising things here is against the rules, and I apologize if this breaks the CoC, but I can't stand to watch people suffer from those things I used to suffer from. I had to say something.

This stuff is 98% absorb-able, and literally has everything in it that the body needs to stay healthy.

It helped me so much, and I'll always be grateful for the wonderful lady that told me about it.

So if anybody is interested in learning more about it, PM me.

You might not be interested; not everyone believes that giving their body what it needs will help.

But I'm living proof that it does work. If you're wanting to try something that, in all likelihood, will change your life forever, give me a buzz.

Zeb The Troll
2009-06-11, 12:57 AM
I have to wonder. If this stuff (Reliv) is so helpful (I'm up in the air on this. My in-laws believe in it fanatically. To the point where my brother-in-law once quipped that it could repair broken glass because his mother recommends it for ALL ailments.) and the company is so focused on helping people, why haven't they made it generally available to the public at grocery stores, pharmacies, or even health supplement stores like GNC? Why make it only available through distributors like it's an Avon product? Why withhold it from the populace and only sell it to the privileged few who happen to have encountered a distributor?

Pyrian
2009-06-11, 01:14 AM
I'm always reminded of that guy who loudly recommended drinking a radioactive substance - and then it killed him horribly. The track record of panaceas in general, and anecdotive panaceas in particular, is quite terrible.

afroakuma
2009-06-11, 01:16 AM
I tend to pop in here from time to time to vent. This is another one of those times.

My life has become more stressful now that I'm home. Most of it seems to revolve around my father. For a very long time now (we're talking years), the most conversation I've ever gotten out of him is him lecturing me on this and that. "Keep your grades up" was the big one during high school. "College is important" popped up every now and then. Dunno why, because I actually looked forward to college, partly as an escape.

These days, it's "Get a job" and "Why aren't you going to church at school". The job one is worse. He hates that I'm being choosy. I admit, you really can't be too choosy in today's job market, but I want to have a job that I will enjoy to some extent. Working full time is unnecessary at the moment (he acts like I'm paying off my loans now, when this won't happen until I'm done with school. Saving is a good idea, and I plan to. But even if I work a full-time job, saving money after using it for other expenses won't amount to enough to pay off a couple years of school), and tends to drain me mentally. 20 hours a week seems fine to me, but to him I should be working close to 40. Work work work. It's all he really seems to care about.

The biggest reason why I don't want to work full time at this moment is because I don't want to end up like him in the future. He's always so concerned about work, and when I look at him, he never seems happy. I... don't want to be like that when I'm an adult. I want to enjoy life, not just worry about it all the time.

Another problem I have with him is that he never really seems concerned about me personally. Based on what he's said to me most of my life, he seems to care more about my success than me. Just take this past week for example. I've been ill since Saturday (if you haven't seen the tread asking for medical advice on the forums). Based on his actions, attitude, and what he's said, his response was "Suck it up". On Monday night, I woke up at 2 AM with abdominal pain and stomach upset so bad that I couldn't even sleep. That morning, due to the symptoms and the lack of sleep, I could barely get around the house. I called in to my work and left a message saying I was sick, and set up an appointment with my doctor. My dad was suspecting that I would do this, so he called that morning around the time that I would be at work. At that time, no one would be home, so I would give it away by answering it. I did the adult thing and picked up the phone. The very first words that came out of his mouth were "Why aren't you at work".

They say that parents nag and push you for success out of love, but I'm starting to have my doubts. In my opinion, he's driving me to be successful because I might possibly be the only one who will be. My brother has been struggling with grades, is rude to a lot of people (including my parents), and is generally a spoiled brat. One time, my mom and I were talking (don't remember what) and she finished one sentence with "if your brother goes to college." I inquired her about it, and she said that she had doubts whether or not my brother would be accepted anywhere. It's like they now consider him a lost cause, and now every ounce of responsibility is on me. I know it comes with being the eldest, but this seems overboard.

I dunno... I've been wanting to seek therapy for a while now, but my dad would probably get angry about that somehow too, saying that "I don't need it" or something. Even if he did let me go, he would want the "give it a name and a medication" treatment. I'll have to do it in secret if I want it at all.

*sigh* Though I had problems with college, it wasn't as bad as this. I miss it.

I thank anyone who took the time to read that. It's always nice when someone sits down and actually listens to someone else.

Slayer: you have my deepest sympathies. I endured a similar situation in my first year of university, with the exception that my father was right here during the term.

If you need a shoulder, my PM box is usually clear. I completely understand that sort of messed-up situation. :smallfrown:

Serpentine
2009-06-11, 06:05 AM
I tend to pop in here from time to time to vent. This is another one of those times.

My life has become more stressful now that I'm home. Most of it seems to revolve around my father. For a very long time now (we're talking years), the most conversation I've ever gotten out of him is him lecturing me on this and that. "Keep your grades up" was the big one during high school. "College is important" popped up every now and then. Dunno why, because I actually looked forward to college, partly as an escape.

These days, it's "Get a job" and "Why aren't you going to church at school". The job one is worse. He hates that I'm being choosy. I admit, you really can't be too choosy in today's job market, but I want to have a job that I will enjoy to some extent. Working full time is unnecessary at the moment (he acts like I'm paying off my loans now, when this won't happen until I'm done with school. Saving is a good idea, and I plan to. But even if I work a full-time job, saving money after using it for other expenses won't amount to enough to pay off a couple years of school), and tends to drain me mentally. 20 hours a week seems fine to me, but to him I should be working close to 40. Work work work. It's all he really seems to care about.

The biggest reason why I don't want to work full time at this moment is because I don't want to end up like him in the future. He's always so concerned about work, and when I look at him, he never seems happy. I... don't want to be like that when I'm an adult. I want to enjoy life, not just worry about it all the time.

Another problem I have with him is that he never really seems concerned about me personally. Based on what he's said to me most of my life, he seems to care more about my success than me. Just take this past week for example. I've been ill since Saturday (if you haven't seen the tread asking for medical advice on the forums). Based on his actions, attitude, and what he's said, his response was "Suck it up". On Monday night, I woke up at 2 AM with abdominal pain and stomach upset so bad that I couldn't even sleep. That morning, due to the symptoms and the lack of sleep, I could barely get around the house. I called in to my work and left a message saying I was sick, and set up an appointment with my doctor. My dad was suspecting that I would do this, so he called that morning around the time that I would be at work. At that time, no one would be home, so I would give it away by answering it. I did the adult thing and picked up the phone. The very first words that came out of his mouth were "Why aren't you at work".

They say that parents nag and push you for success out of love, but I'm starting to have my doubts. In my opinion, he's driving me to be successful because I might possibly be the only one who will be. My brother has been struggling with grades, is rude to a lot of people (including my parents), and is generally a spoiled brat. One time, my mom and I were talking (don't remember what) and she finished one sentence with "if your brother goes to college." I inquired her about it, and she said that she had doubts whether or not my brother would be accepted anywhere. It's like they now consider him a lost cause, and now every ounce of responsibility is on me. I know it comes with being the eldest, but this seems overboard.

I dunno... I've been wanting to seek therapy for a while now, but my dad would probably get angry about that somehow too, saying that "I don't need it" or something. Even if he did let me go, he would want the "give it a name and a medication" treatment. I'll have to do it in secret if I want it at all.

*sigh* Though I had problems with college, it wasn't as bad as this. I miss it.

I thank anyone who took the time to read that. It's always nice when someone sits down and actually listens to someone else.Have you tried actually telling your dad about this? Maybe one morning, when he goes to have a go at him again, cut him off with a "Father. Whatever you're about to say, you've already said it, over and over again. I'm sick of it. I already know it. If you want to talk to me today, make it about something else. Otherwise, I will not listen. So, how's work been?"
That last bit, I think, could be particularly helpful. Divert the attention back onto him. When he tries to talk about you, aside from telling him you don't want to, try asking him how he is, what he's been doing lately, what he wants to do, what he's going to do when he retires, etc. Maybe - maybe -if you initiate the conversation sometimes, you'll have more control over it. But most of all, talk with them - don't let them talk at you.

Thanatos 51-50
2009-06-11, 07:37 AM
Thanatos being rude and posting abut himself tiem [sic] (I promise I'll be better about this thread, really.)

Now, first, as a few general disclaimers:
I'm aware that the Navy has given me a "sweet gig". Any fellow military pointing this out again will be mildly chastised, mentally, to myself, where no-one else can hear it.
I generally have low self-esteem and can be critically self-depreciating. Any attempts to adress this as the problem will be throughly ignored.

In a few words as possible: The Navy is giving me problems. Again. At times, it feels like I'm being, speciically 'targetted' by my Chief and LPO.(Although, looking through evidence and applying logic, this seems to not be the case). Of all things, the one I'm constantly counseled for, to the point of standing a Disciplinary Review Board (DRB) because of it, is cleanliness.

~~~Few words as possible ends here~~~
That's right, the Navy yells at me for not keeping my bloody barracks room clean enough for them. This would be justifiable if I lived in Open Bay or aboard ship, But I live, for all intents and purposes, alone. I have one room-mate whom I never see, and our common area is almost never the issue. He's held just as responable for common area issues as me, anyway.
No, it's the actual place where I sleep, eat, compute, read, and do practically everything save expell waste and practice personal hygene from.

For the record, said room has about two paces of width at it's widest point, with the majority of the being narrow enough for me to put my foot through my TV from my bed. And maybe three paces of length.
To further matters, I generally don't do much there, intentionally distubing as little as possible to achieve whatever goal I have. I get chided for organisation. Because, apparently, the place looks like it's disorganised. The complaint isn't that my books or whatever appear to be in particular order (arranged by size, for the curious), but that I put stuff on top of other stuff, or that things are arranged in a less-than-conventional manner.
(My cell phone was spotted on my desk, plugged in, and on top of my 4th ed books. This was a hit.)
I got a hit for stowing my backpack on a chair, my boots next to my bed, and hanging a collapsed umbrella on the doorknob to my closet.
It's pretty ridiculous.
I've contested that, in the face of actual, legitimate hit, that I'm just not very good at cleaning. They have, occasionally, been called a health issue, but I believe that my command finally noticed that I'm almost never sick, and I've gone to sick call a total of twice - one of which was because I was just attacked by a hawk.

And then there's the occasional claim that my work isn't up to snuff (It's, indeed, better than most of my peers, and quite oten outstrips one of my second class's.) And even the ridiculous claims that I'm avoiding doing it, seemingly ignoring the fact that my work is always done, and on the few occasions it's not 'on time' (Read: Hours earlier than it needs to be), there is always a very good reason that was beyond my control or mitigation powers (The <data source> was down, <Program> crashed, Network-wide <system> reboot without giving me enough time to save <project>, et. cetera.)


In other, non-spoilerriffic and self-centered news; my PM box is ALWAYS open, and my MSN account is usually open. I'll make an effort to monitor this thread and ofer advice better.

Edit:
Looking back at that wall o' text, and all I can think is Wow, I'm Petty.

Mr. Mud
2009-06-11, 09:13 AM
Thanatos being rude and posting abut himself tiem [sic] (I promise I'll be better about this thread, really.)

Now, first, as a few general disclaimers:
I'm aware that the Navy has given me a "sweet gig". Any fellow military pointing this out again will be mildly chastised, mentally, to myself, where no-one else can hear it.
I generally have low self-esteem and can be critically self-depreciating. Any attempts to adress this as the problem will be throughly ignored.

In a few words as possible: The Navy is giving me problems. Again. At times, it feels like I'm being, speciically 'targetted' by my Chief and LPO.(Although, looking through evidence and applying logic, this seems to not be the case). Of all things, the one I'm constantly counseled for, to the point of standing a Disciplinary Review Board (DRB) because of it, is cleanliness.

~~~Few words as possible ends here~~~
That's right, the Navy yells at me for not keeping my bloody barracks room clean enough for them. This would be justifiable if I lived in Open Bay or aboard ship, But I live, for all intents and purposes, alone. I have one room-mate whom I never see, and our common area is almost never the issue. He's held just as responable for common area issues as me, anyway.
No, it's the actual place where I sleep, eat, compute, read, and do practically everything save expell waste and practice personal hygene from.

For the record, said room has about two paces of width at it's widest point, with the majority of the being narrow enough for me to put my foot through my TV from my bed. And maybe three paces of length.
To further matters, I generally don't do much there, intentionally distubing as little as possible to achieve whatever goal I have. I get chided for organisation. Because, apparently, the place looks like it's disorganised. The complaint isn't that my books or whatever appear to be in particular order (arranged by size, for the curious), but that I put stuff on top of other stuff, or that things are arranged in a less-than-conventional manner.
(My cell phone was spotted on my desk, plugged in, and on top of my 4th ed books. This was a hit.)
I got a hit for stowing my backpack on a chair, my boots next to my bed, and hanging a collapsed umbrella on the doorknob to my closet.
It's pretty ridiculous.
I've contested that, in the face of actual, legitimate hit, that I'm just not very good at cleaning. They have, occasionally, been called a health issue, but I believe that my command finally noticed that I'm almost never sick, and I've gone to sick call a total of twice - one of which was because I was just attacked by a hawk.

And then there's the occasional claim that my work isn't up to snuff (It's, indeed, better than most of my peers, and quite oten outstrips one of my second class's.) And even the ridiculous claims that I'm avoiding doing it, seemingly ignoring the fact that my work is always done, and on the few occasions it's not 'on time' (Read: Hours earlier than it needs to be), there is always a very good reason that was beyond my control or mitigation powers (The <data source> was down, <Program> crashed, Network-wide <system> reboot without giving me enough time to save <project>, et. cetera.)


In other, non-spoilerriffic and self-centered news; my PM box is ALWAYS open, and my MSN account is usually open. I'll make an effort to monitor this thread and ofer advice better.

Edit:
Looking back at that wall o' text, and all I can think is Wow, I'm Petty.

Thanatos, I was born and breed in the midst of Navy culture... and if you need a shoulder, a hug, or someone to spot you when you bench press the tears away, please, PM me :smallbiggrin:. (If you don't want to use PM, just PM me your MSN).

Lycanthromancer
2009-06-11, 10:55 AM
I have to wonder. If this stuff (Reliv) is so helpful (I'm up in the air on this. My in-laws believe in it fanatically. To the point where my brother-in-law once quipped that it could repair broken glass because his mother recommends it for ALL ailments.) and the company is so focused on helping people, why haven't they made it generally available to the public at grocery stores, pharmacies, or even health supplement stores like GNC? Why make it only available through distributors like it's an Avon product? Why withhold it from the populace and only sell it to the privileged few who happen to have encountered a distributor?

Reliv relies on word-of-mouth advertising because viral marketing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viral_marketing) tends to be incredibly successful, and people who've experienced great things with it (ie, nearly everyone who takes it) are more than willing to share with others. It's also the best way to spread education and information about how the products work. Since Reliv's overarching goal is to help people truly take control of their health and their lives, would you say that spreading legitimate information about nutrition is important?

There's a reason the phrase "Knowledge Is Power" is touted so often, no?

The issue with Reliv is that it's not something that always has immediately noticeable results. It's not a drug that covers up symptoms; it's a nutrient-rich food product that nourishes the body in the ways it needs. It takes time (could be a week, could be 6 months) because it helps the body to repair itself. Healing is often a slow process, mostly because the actual problems are being addressed. Since the effects aren't always noticeable immediately, relying on person-to-person communication keeps people going for the period of time necessary to do what the body needs to be done.

If the product was available in stores, quietly sitting on a shelf somewhere, what do you think would happen to people who are used to our instant gratification-based society? Would they stay on a product that didn't have immediately noticeable results? Would they generally be patient enough to see their body gradually getting better, to the point where their problems go away, more or less permanently?

Probably not.

The point isn't to sell more product and see people fail because they're not being patient; it's to do the most good possible, to get the most people healthy possible over the long haul, one person at a time.

It's a service-oriented company, first and last. It promotes the need to help others. And giving people the power to enrich their own lives to help others improve theirs spreads the idea that maybe the phrase "love thy neighbor" means something after all.

And this is the way the founders of Reliv International thought best to accomplish those goals.


I'm always reminded of that guy who loudly recommended drinking a radioactive substance - and then it killed him horribly.I'm not quite sure that consuming some highly hazardous substance, known to kill those who are exposed to it, is quite the same as giving your body the tools needed to fix itself.

Would you agree that the body cannot keep itself healthy if it doesn't have the means available to do so? Can you drive a car with saltwater in the gas-tank and Crisco instead of motor oil, and expect it to run?

Your body is designed to keep going, to keep you alive, even when it's starving for nutrition; it can't do it indefinitely, but it can do it. Even with the ability to do without what it needs, it still breaks down eventually, slowly but surely.

Have you noticed how society is getting sicker and sicker? And how all of these chronic diseases keep popping up and not getting better? Once upon a time, diabetes was practically unheard of. Nobody knew what rheumatoid arthritis was. Cancer was extremely rare.

And now they're all over the place.

There's a reason for that, don't you think?


The track record of panaceas in general, and anecdotive panaceas in particular, is quite terrible.I'm not claiming that this is a "cure-all". If your body is getting sick because it's not getting the proper nutrition, (http://www.naturalnews.com/002694_disease_nutrition_nutritional_deficiencies. html) and it suddenly starts getting the nutrition it needs, what else would you expect, but for the problems to go away?

Reliv has gone for a full 21 years without a single lawsuit levied against it. It's listed on the NASDAQ, has won awards by notables such as Forbes (http://www.prnewswire.com/cgi-bin/stories.pl?ACCT=104&STORY=/www/story/10-17-2006/0004453028&EDATE=) and Fortune Magazine (http://www.bizjournals.com/stlouis/stories/2006/06/26/daily13.html).

Do you really want to dismiss something that has over 21 years of helping people successfully? Or worse, to prevent someone else from getting well?

You can believe in it or not; that's none of my business. But can you really afford to dismiss it so easily, if it works as well as personal experience has told me it does?

You can suffer if you want, but I choose to live without depression.

Anyway, let's not derail the thread. PM me with comments, unless they're relevant to the discussion of depression, please.

Pyrian
2009-06-11, 11:25 AM
No.

Reliv is a "multi-level marketing" gimmick. Much of what you just stated is verifiably untrue with only a tiny amount of poking around. You are personally acting as an advertising/marketing agent, and presumably stand to personally profit from anybody you lure into this scheme. As such, I find your claims not credible and your blatant marketing activities against the forum rules.

Lycanthromancer
2009-06-11, 11:42 AM
No.

Reliv is a "multi-level marketing" gimmick. Much of what you just stated is verifiably untrue with only a tiny amount of poking around. You are personally acting as an advertising/marketing agent, and presumably stand to personally profit from anybody you lure into this scheme. As such, I find your claims not credible and your blatant marketing activities against the forum rules.

Heck, I'd be willing to give the business to someone else, if it'll prove that I'm not doing this for my own good. Though there's a 30-day, 100% money-back guarantee if you don't like what you see, so it's not like there's any risk involved anywhere.

And of course it's multi-level marketing. That's one of the best ways of doing business and making money around, for everyone involved (including the customers). You say that like it's a bad thing.

Now, enough of this derailment. PM me if you want to say something.

Serpentine
2009-06-11, 11:59 AM
Lycanthromancer:
The issue with Reliv is that it's not something that always has immediately noticeable results. It's not a drug that covers up symptoms; it's a nutrient-rich food product that nourishes the body in the ways it needs."Food product"? Or "pill"? (No, wait, powder. Same diff) And I would argue the idea that it "nourishes the body in the way it needs" - the body needs food to be nourished in the way it needs. Can we get some evidence that US (I presume) food is nutritionally deficient? I wouldn't exactly be surprised, but claims like that really need to be backed-up, and I would argue that giving up on it completely isn't exactly fixing the problem. Buying organic or other good food and/or growing your own could be a better start.
Alright, read the links in your initial post. Regarding the one relevant here, I found a few similar or same papers on it. Looks about right - though it only seems to have been done in the US and the UK. There was one line in one of them, though: "Since horticultural products in general, and fruits and nuts in particular, are relatively small contributors of minerals to the average UK diet, historical changes in mineral composition are unlikely to be significant in overall dietary terms." Doesn't mean it isn't still a problem, of course.

Have you noticed how society is getting sicker and sicker? And how all of these chronic diseases keep popping up and not getting better? Once upon a time, diabetes was practically unheard of. Nobody knew what rheumatoid arthritis was. Cancer was extremely rare.Umm... Nyet. People used to complain all the time about their arthritis and gout, and although there's a good chance that gout isn't the same as rheumatoid arthritis I doubt many people would have distinguished between them (and I don't know why you specified that type, anyway). Diabetes is easily attributed to poor diet (not just plain "sick society"), and anyway it was by no means "practically unheard of" - peoples all over the world knew it very well. Finally, cancer. Nope. It's just that people are living long enough to get it - it is, to a large degree, an age illness, not, say, a "diet" one. In any case, this too was not "extremely rare", but rather very well-known. As for the idea that "chronic diseases keep cropping up" - I would suggest that that is more due to some combination of a perceived increase because non-chronic diseases are now largely treatable and so chronic ones seem more common, lifestyle issues such as overuse of antibiotics and over-protection from pathogens at an early age, and probably some other factor. Again, it's not new.
As my medieval history lecturer tells phone-ringing and door-knocking missionaries who try to tell him how terrible the world is nowadays: Actually, compared to the way things used to be, we've got it pretty damn good.


Reliv has gone for a full 21 years without a single lawsuit levied against it. It's listed on the NASDAQ, has won awards by notables such as Forbes (http://www.prnewswire.com/cgi-bin/stories.pl?ACCT=104&STORY=/www/story/10-17-2006/0004453028&EDATE=) and Fortune Magazine (http://www.bizjournals.com/stlouis/stories/2006/06/26/daily13.html).Of course, that doesn't actually mean it works. Doesn't mean it doesn't, either. I did look at the website, and while it describes in some detail its "Scientific Advisory Board", I can't actually find any real evidence that it works. I am not saying that it does not, or that people shouldn't take it as a supplement to their diets where poor nutrition is out of their control. I am saying that if you are going to offer health advice, you ought to recommend with evidence, not proselytise.

Do you really want to dismiss something that has over 21 years of helping people successfully? Or worse, to prevent someone else from getting well?Diseases were treated on the basis of entirely fictional "humours" for hundreds of years. Age != reliability. Also, I fail to see where anyone has suggested that people should be "prevented from getting well".

You can believe in it or not; that's none of my business. But can you really afford to dismiss it so easily, if it works as well as personal experience has told me it does?If you're trying to make us "believe" in it, then you're selling superstition or religion, not medicine. Personal experience can tell lots of people lots of things (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPqerbz8KDc&feature=channel). If you're recommending a scientifically-founded medical product, you need evidence to be convincing.

You can suffer if you want, but I choose to live without depression.You're getting dangerously close to dismissing clinical depression with a "if you don't use this product, you're choosing to be depressed".
Now, looking at that website, it does seem to be relatively good, so far as "nutritional supplements" go. I also agree that diet and general health most likely plays a huge role in mental and emotional wellbeing. However, I would much prefer to be convinced by someone who can offer proper, reliable evidence and answer perfectly reasonable questions on the product without an onslaught of overly defensive passive-aggressive rhetorical questions and pseudo-science.

Lycanthromancer
2009-06-11, 12:11 PM
Serpentine:
Lycanthromancer:"Food product"? Or "pill"? (No, wait, powder. Same diff) And I would argue the idea that it "nourishes the body in the way it needs" - the body needs food to be nourished in the way it needs. Can we get some evidence that US (I presume) food is nutritionally deficient? I wouldn't exactly be surprised, but claims like that really need to be backed-up, and I would argue that giving up on it completely isn't exactly fixing the problem. Buying organic or other good food and/or growing your own could be a better start.
Alright, read the links in your initial post. Regarding the one relevant here, I found a few similar or same papers on it. Looks about right - though it only seems to have been done in the US and the UK. There was one line in one of them, though: "Since horticultural products in general, and fruits and nuts in particular, are relatively small contributors of minerals to the average UK diet, historical changes in mineral composition are unlikely to be significant in overall dietary terms." Doesn't mean it isn't still a problem, of course.
Umm... Nyet. People used to complain all the time about their arthritis and gout, and although there's a good chance that gout isn't the same as rheumatoid arthritis I doubt many people would have distinguished between them (and I don't know why you specified that type, anyway). Diabetes is easily attributed to poor diet (not just plain "sick society"), and anyway it was by no means "practically unheard of" - peoples all over the world knew it very well. Finally, cancer. Nope. It's just that people are living long enough to get it - it is, to a large degree, an age illness, not, say, a "diet" one. In any case, this too was not "extremely rare", but rather very well-known. As for the idea that "chronic diseases keep cropping up" - I would suggest that that is more due to some combination of a perceived increase because non-chronic diseases are now largely treatable and so chronic ones seem more common, lifestyle issues such as overuse of antibiotics and over-protection from pathogens at an early age, and probably some other factor. Again, it's not new.
As my medieval history lecturer tells phone-ringing and door-knocking missionaries who try to tell him how terrible the world is nowadays: Actually, compared to the way things used to be, we've got it pretty damn good.

Of course, that doesn't actually mean it works. Doesn't mean it doesn't, either. I did look at the website, and while it describes in some detail its "Scientific Advisory Board", I can't actually find any real evidence that it works. I am not saying that it does not, or that people shouldn't take it as a supplement to their diets where poor nutrition is out of their control. I am saying that if you are going to offer health advice, you ought to recommend with evidence, not proselytise.
Diseases were treated on the basis of entirely fictional "humours" for hundreds of years. Age != reliability. Also, I fail to see where anyone has suggested that people should be "prevented from getting well".
If you're trying to make us "believe" in it, then you're selling superstition or religion, not medicine. Personal experience can tell lots of people lots of things (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPqerbz8KDc&feature=channel). If you're recommending a scientifically-founded medical product, you need evidence to be convincing.
You're getting dangerously close to dismissing clinical depression with a "if you don't use this product, you're choosing to be depressed".
Now, looking at that website, it does seem to be relatively good, so far as "nutritional supplements" go. I also agree that diet and general health most likely plays a huge role in mental and emotional wellbeing. However, I would much prefer to be convinced by someone who can offer proper, reliable evidence and answer perfectly reasonable questions on the product without an onslaught of overly defensive passive-aggressive rhetorical questions and pseudo-science.

It took me awhile, but I found this (http://www.relivingpartners.com/images/labels/CardioSentials_Clinical.pdf) and this (http://www.relivingpartners.com/images/labels/GlucaffectGuide.pdf). I couldn't find the studies for the other products.

The powder is used as a shake. It's considered a food-product, and as a powder it's far more soluble and digestible than pills are.

Alarra
2009-06-11, 12:18 PM
While the topic of Reliv (and actually nutritional supplements in general) is interesting and the discussion has merit, this isn't the thread for it. While the initial post was topical, as a possible depression treatment (although it did come close to violating the anti-advertising rule), the ensuing discussion has rather derailed the thread. If people are interested in continuing this discussion, I would recommend starting a new thread for it.

Serpentine
2009-06-11, 12:34 PM
That's a start, but neither of those are scientific papers. I found this (http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/122369657/abstract?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0) one, but it still doesn't seem so reliable to me, the abstract just doesn't read right.These (http://www.fao.org/agris/search/display.do?f=./1998/v2412/US1997076364.xml;US1997076364) ones (http://www.acsm-msse.org/pt/re/msse/fulltext.00005768-200205001-00014.htm;jsessionid=Kx9c052lDvx0lJMTpyhv7000jWynJ JprgL42nqLysTwZFPnw81N4!-1260103914!181195628!8091!-1) look better - and are pretty much the only decent articles on Reliv I can find.
Incidentally, I also found this book, You Can Be Rich By Tuesday: The Secrets of Making a Fortune in Multi-level Marketing, in which the Reliv company is specifically mentioned :smallamused:
edit: Whoops... Um... I wrote this before that was put in. Can I leave it?

Jacklu
2009-06-12, 01:52 AM
Okay, because I didn't rant nearly enough in my normal chat group already tonight:

I've been struggling with a pretty heavy depression for the last few months and it is killing me. Not literally, but sometimes it might as well be. I am increasingly resentful of myself for being as depressed as I am all the time. My life is really good, all things considered. I sometimes wish there was something medically wrong with me, just so I could feel justified for feeling as bad as I do. I never seem to be accomplishing anything aside from getting up in the morning (and by morning, I mean no earlier than noon over the last two months), wasting my day on the computer, and going to bed exhausted despite having done nothing. I hate myself for doing badly at the things I fail in, and when I do succeed, I can't shake the feeling that somehow I cheated and don't deserve to have done well. Most of all, I resent the fact that I am so good at hiding just how screwed up I am to anyone in my life that might be able to see that there is something wrong and help fix it. Day in and day out I lie and pretend that I am doing fine, then at night I log onto the web and spend my time venting and complaining to the group of people I know online. I feel like such a burden to the people that care about me, and I don't feel like I ever give anything back. Even as I am writing this I can't help admonishing myself for it and feeling like this is nothing more than a self-centered cry for sympathy and attention. At the same time, there are times when I feel almost angry at the people who try to comfort me, because deep down, no matter how much I hate feeling like this, I feel like it is my fault that I am depressed, and that I deserve to be like this. That I must have done something and this is my punishment for it.

For those in my chat group that already heard this rant, I apologize for wasting you time twice in one night.

Cheesegear
2009-06-12, 04:50 AM
@ Jacklu

I never seem to be accomplishing anything aside from getting up in the morning (and by morning, I mean no earlier than noon over the last two months), wasting my day on the computer, and going to bed...

You've got 'Computerised Depression', or, Lazy Man's Syndrome; ...You're not feeling like you're accomplishing anything...Because you aren't. Sadly.

You wrote it yourself. You're wasting your days. You know the problem.

Simple as that. I had a trick once, to prove a point to myself. I took my computer's power cord, and put it somewhere really inconvenient to get to. To be honest, I would've thrown it on the roof if I wasn't afraid of weather damage. So, instead I put it under...Something yuck. If I wanted to use the power cord, not only did I have to go get it, but it needed cleaning as well. I'm sure I could find something better to do.

So, basically I had no computer for week. If I wanted to use the internet, I had to drive at least ten minutes to the town library, or twenty minutes to University (which was the preferable option). Or ask my family members very nicely if I could use their computers.

Since anything was preferable than that, on the days that I wasn't working or at Uni; I was in town, I was reading books, I was doing housework, I was gardening. I was exercising. I got things done.

As cliché as it sounds; Computers really do ruin your life if you let them. Just ask John Connor. :smallwink:


going to bed exhausted despite having done nothing.

Waking up at noon is also a (probably related) problem. Or, at least, non-functional unless you have a really good reason, since plenty of people wake up at noon after being on 14 hour long shifts and getting home at 3am. An easy way to wake up, is to set your alarm at a reasonable time (6:00am for me. But, I'm sure most people do alright with 7:00am), and then put your clock/alarm device somewhere where you actually have to physically get up to turn it off.
Once your body starts moving, it doesn't like going back to sleep.

Check your diet? Better yet, now that you've quit your computer (because you are going to, right?) you can go exercise. The (Australian) government recommends 30 minutes a day. Since that's the minimum, and lazy people who like to wake up at noon usually only do the minimum; I recommend 90 minutes, five days a week.
That should get you sufficiently tired (especially if you're not used to it), it'll keep you healthy, and, if your body knows what it's doing; It'll start craving foods that it needs to keep up the regime.
Sitting on the computer requires next to no energy; So, chances are all's your body does is require the ingredients to stay awake for a minimal amount of time (glucose/sugar) and that's it, and once the sugar runs out, it's off to bed.


I hate myself for doing badly at the things I fail in, and when I do succeed, I can't shake the feeling that somehow I cheated and don't deserve to have done well.

That's extremely vague. But, essentially, you should feel bad for failing. Most people do. The simplest answer to failing, is to try again and not fail. Find out where you went wrong, how can you fix it? Fix it. Do it again. Succeed. Accomplish something. Feel good.


Most of all, I resent the fact that I am so good at hiding just how screwed up I am to anyone in my life that might be able to see that there is something wrong and help fix it. Day in and day out I lie and pretend that I am doing fine, then at night I log onto the web and spend my time venting and complaining to the group of people I know online.

That's...Not 'normal'. But definitely not unique. I, for one, believe in 'hiding who you are', especially if it's a negative image. The world doesn't like negative people. It's a sad fact, but, most people don't want to hear about depression, especially because (usually) it's not something they know how to deal with. Worse, is when it keeps getting thrust in their face.
I've lost one or two friends because I kept on harping on about how bad my life was; Fact is, they didn't want to hear it. They couldn't help, it made them feel bad. I made them feel bad. They thought it simpler just not to talk to me if I was going to 'be like that'.
Simply, there are people who you can talk to, and people you can't. It's not your fault.

Secondly, venting 'online' doesn't even compare with physically talking to someone in the same room. A microphone/headset makes online venting marginally better, but still, you're better off finding your best friend in real life, and talking to them.

If you don't have a friend (sadly, it happens), go talk to a professional.


I feel like such a burden to the people that care about me, and I don't feel like I ever give anything back.

That's probably (definitely) not true. And unless the words "Stop talking to me about all your crap!" or something to that effect are actually spoken, then your friends are still your friends. And probably want what's best for you. And if they really are your friends, they don't want anything in return. Better yet, straight-out ask them.


At the same time, there are times when I feel almost angry at the people who try to comfort me, because deep down, no matter how much I hate feeling like this, I feel like it is my fault that I am depressed, and that I deserve to be like this. That I must have done something and this is my punishment for it.

...Yep. Time to see a professional. There are somethings that 'talking to your friends' doesn't fix. And the (emphasised by me) keywords and sentences above are not some of the things your friends - nor we in the Playground - can fix.

More than anything else; If what you're doing doesn't make you happy, then stop doing what you're doing and try something else.

V'icternus
2009-06-12, 07:30 AM
Just gonna post about a paragraph of an update, gonna keep it short for ince...
Okay, well, for anyone interested, my school issues have recently become less important, as I'm finally up to date. Now I only have to deal with all the usual problems that exist in my life. (For those of you not keeping track since the last thread, that's still a lot).

My brother's still... well, my brother. My parents haven't changed a bit, the dogs are annoying as hell, and despite the fact that I was the one fully opposed to getting both dog #1 and #2, I'm still expected to put in more than my share of work for them.

And then, you know, the rest, which I wont get into here as a rant on my bizzare emotional state would be long-winded and in the end, anyone who wanted to know could find out elsewhere anyway...

But yeah, anyway, long story short, I'm back to "normal" levels of stress, anxiety and generally low on the depression scale for the time being. THis probably has a lot to do with the D&D session I just got back from, but the school thing is also a big help to my mental state.
Well, this post is already longer than I thought it would be, so I'll stop now.

Oh, and Jacklu? I can't exactly help, but I can relate. The only advice I can offer is to listen to Cheesegear there... he seems to have some good ideas that I would apply to my own life if, well... if I actually wanted to "fix" it. And really, I doubt you are as far gone as me into the depths of not caring... So you really should try to fix things in your life. Get away from the internet at all costs, and screens in general should be avoided, at least as prime time-uses. If you don't think you can do it, ust do it anyway and prove that you can.

...I need to find a way to make my "one paragraph" posts stop lasting so damn long... :smallsigh:

almyki
2009-06-12, 10:45 AM
WARNINGWARNINGWARNING Textwall of ridiculously annoying proportions coming... MY BAD. If you don't want to bother, don't worry, I'll understand, my forum etiquette probably sucks worse than yours anyway =P . Also horribly sorry if I make any rude statements or assumptions (*tactless*) , but I was hoping I could help. Primarily because we are kin spirits, and I feel a deep understanding connection here XD . And voodoo magic is definitely not involved!

I say this because reading your post I noticed that almost everything you felt, I have felt as well, when I had been in middle school. I've gotten over it now and am happy and confident in myself, but I still remember what it was like, and hope to maybe help with a bit of... er... pep talk? Uh... advice? What to call it...? My problem was 'being teased' while yours is 'not going anywhere', so there will obviously be some discrepancies (ex. I was probably far angrier than you, who seems more just depressed), but hopefully I won't make many gruesome mistakes =3 .

@Jacklu



I've been struggling with a pretty heavy depression for the last few months and it is killing me. Not literally, but sometimes it might as well be. I am increasingly resentful of myself for being as depressed as I am all the time. My life is really good, all things considered. I sometimes wish there was something medically wrong with me, just so I could feel justified for feeling as bad as I do. I hate myself for doing badly at the things I fail in, and when I do succeed, I can't shake the feeling that somehow I cheated and don't deserve to have done well.

The truth is, at least I believe, that you don't have to have some 'mental disease' or a terrible home life to be justifiably depressed or miserable. It's not like you want to be, nobody actually sincerely wants to be unhappy with their lives. If you convince yourself that maybe you're just 'dramatically miserable' because your subconscious is a pathetic attention-seeking and ungrateful drama queen, and that you should really be able to get over stuff like this? It's Not True. If you haven't thought that, then that's even better XD . But the point is, trust me, you can't get this 'sad' without there being a serious factor outside of yourself; it's just not possible short of some actual mental issue.

It's... well, I've never studied psychology, but it's a mechanism that my own mind pulled a lot when I was like this, which I personally branded 'emotional rationalization' :needs a better term: . Your feelings are strong, and to anybody else they seem unreasonable and self-inflicting (and most people probably can't even wrap their heads around why you'd feel that way), but you understand, perfectly well, and can rationalize your thoughts. You do this because you need to have a reason why you're so upset. These feelings that bother you so much, they have to have some sort of cause, right? You want to know why is this happening to me, and the best reason you can come up with is that internal karmic logic that it must be because I deserve it.

Others may say "You should never feel like you're worthless, or you're less worthy than other people, you can do whatever you want with yourself", but you've got all day, and all night, to think about exactly why they're wrong, all the reasons why, logically, you could actually be just as worthless or hopeless as you feel. You're surrounded by the reasons (YOU never go out, don't do things, ME isolated, disliked by all, am an annoying prat), by the feelings (Disgusted with every selfish thought, every lack of will, if only people could see inside your head all your pettiness, they'd understand why you feel like that. You kind of deserve it, don't you?), all this constant proof, piles and piles of it, just prove exactly how wrong their advice is, how mislead about you they are. They just don't understand, right? Logically, and emotionally, yours is a sound argument stubbing out the basic encouragements of the people around you.

You probably don't think and feel these sorts of things constantly, I sure as hell didn't, but does it come up often enough in your thoughts? These sorts of feelings, for me, were brooding, self-rationalizing, attempts to self-correct at least in my mind all the 'bad thoughts' that I 'had no right to feel', and they had lots of time to slowly simmer and soak.

It's Not True either. The reason you feel bad is because you DO FEEL BAD, not for any petty or selfish or disgusting reason. There is no need to make yourself feel worse by asking yourself if you even deserve to complain about being unhappy, or if you're just ungrateful and mopey.

Well... I got the feeling that, from what I read, our situations on the emotional level were similar enough that I could take a guess at what else you might be feeling. Again, if you don't know what I'm talking about, that's wicked, you're not as much of a brooder as me (even when I'm not depressed, I have a super-brooder personality, sooo XD ) . But in case you do, well, I hoped that maybe by explaining exactly what you're feeling and telling you that other people have felt it before would help? All those darkest inner thoughts, you probably don't tell others, the ones you are most ashamed of thinking. I've probably thought a lot of them too (and others) . You may still not be able to quite 'See' what I'm saying, as in go 'Oh, yeah, you know she's totally right, I shouldn't think or feel like that anymore!', it may be kind of hard to tell yourself that without feeling... Guilty somehow, but as you get happier overall and look back, you realize how different it is and just how unfair you were with yourself. But, anyway, yeah, you're not alone XD .


I never seem to be accomplishing anything aside from getting up in the morning (and by morning, I mean no earlier than noon over the last two months), wasting my day on the computer, and going to bed exhausted despite having done nothing.

Throughout all of last summer, I woke up at noon too XD . Sometimes an hour later, sometimes an hour earlier, but I love sleep, so I laze in bed a lot. But anyway, putting aside my similarly bad habits (I don't do much other than fiddle with the laptop and watch TV either), some of the advice Cheesegear gave sounds like it'd be a good idea. Change is HARD, I know because I suck so much at it myself, but trying is always good!

Maybe try getting interested in various things, even in passing. The internet is great for that. Well, I'm particularly good at picking up random interests (from learning Korean, to Sign Language, to Gothic Lolita clothes to gardening to henna tattoos, all of which I have failed at spectacularly =P ), but maybe you are too? There are lots of fun random hobbies and things you could take interest in and try out. Learning new things in the process is a good plus, and makes you feel like you achieved something.

If you don't know how to play chess, you can teach yourself and play online against a free chess AI, or learn Go, or Checkers, or Solitaire, other games. Maybe starting a collection would be fun (I collect stickers, stuffed animals, pencils, temp tattoos, and various other JUNK) . You're into D&D since you're on this forum, maybe do something related to that (start writing a D&D-related story, try homebrewing random cool junk, etc.).

Getting away from the computer can be really good for you (I wish I could drag myself away, graaah XD ), but if you find you can't bring yourself to do it, or if it doesn't seem to help after trying for a while (especially if all your friends are online), there are some things to try doing on a computer that can still be productive. Even just spending a day clicking through a ton of Wikipedia articles could be interesting and good for you (especially if they all relate to a good topic) . If you have a textbook on a subject you're interested in, or something like that (I have an Environmental Science book), you could try reading it and then taking notes on your computer. What have you.

I got pet rats because of cool stuff I read online (they are very fuzzy and cute) , maybe consider getting a pet if you like animals? I'm told they can be quite therapeutic. Or plants. I'm good at personifying animals and even inanimate objects, and talk to them, so they may be good venting material (then again, I talk aloud to myself on a regular basis... :S ) .


Most of all, I resent the fact that I am so good at hiding just how screwed up I am to anyone in my life that might be able to see that there is something wrong and help fix it. Day in and day out I lie and pretend that I am doing fine, then at night I log onto the web and spend my time venting and complaining to the group of people I know online. I feel like such a burden to the people that care about me, and I don't feel like I ever give anything back.

I did similarly, with my family (the only people I could consider 'close' at the time) . Home life was fine, I was typically content and happy (ish) , and I would never tell them about any of the bad things that happen at school, and I most especially kept all my darkest thoughts from them, even though I might think about it all day and just want to talk to them about it, and I knew that they would want to know and help me with it. But it's all so very personal and not their burden, and then it feels like it's not as important as you thought it was, to go so far as bugging them about your issues, right? I didn't have the internet then, but I did have my stuffed animals (*cough* and imaginary friends... I was an imaginative child... ^^; ) to pour my feelings into.

But, I'm not sure how best to give advice on this, because I think no matter what, you'll find it difficult to open up and 'drop your burdens on their shoulders'. And it is just a plain truth that, even though your loved ones may care and not push you away or anything, it will worry them and make them upset. Well, it's not good to constantly talk about stuff like that, and I think it's best to normally put up a good front 'as per usual', but when certain things come up that really makes you feel in a particular need to talk to someone (personal example, I wish I'd talked to my parents when my classroom made fun of me, it would have helped), they will be there for you.

But also, forgetting about your problems and pretending it's OK may be good sometimes. Spending time with friends and family and just enjoying their company can do wonders to your mood, and make you forget all about that feeling for the duration. It made me feel less bad about myself (being surrounded by people who enjoy your company) overall. Friends can help wonders, when in that way, but they flounder when directly confronted (Cheesegear is right, they feel as lost as you on how to help) . Then again, my issue was directly connected with socialization (or lack thereof), so perhaps it doesn't apply as well to you.

Being a burden to your loved ones... I know how that feels. That 'emotional rationalization' sure did 'wonders' here too. Well, rest assured, that when you start to think "I should have never been born" with an utmost deadpan sincerity fueled with a self-made laundry list of all the reasons of exactly why that's true, your thoughts definitely aren't *quite* as rational as you think they are. I don't think you're at that point yet (I'm really hoping not, that's kind of a sucky way to think, avoid at all costs), and try to stay away from that point. Because that is just not fair to you, you are a human being that deserves better than that regardless of what 'little you do' or how much 'trouble you give'. You are not a bad person, or at the very least I can say that you are far less bad than you give yourself credit for.

There can be all sorts of rationalizations that seem to make just so much gosh-darned sense here, I know, and that's just stuff that's really hard for me to be able to refute believably, but... that's just about true of everyone. Anybody has the capacity to feel bad for the burden they are, and have done enough or have enough rational reasons to be able to back up their feeling just as well as you. If they were that sad. If they needed a reason to wonder about it in the first place. It is what many young children feel when their parents argue or have difficulties taking care of them, but they don't deserve to feel like burdens either.


Even as I am writing this I can't help admonishing myself for it and feeling like this is nothing more than a self-centered cry for sympathy and attention. At the same time, there are times when I feel almost angry at the people who try to comfort me, because deep down, no matter how much I hate feeling like this, I feel like it is my fault that I am depressed, and that I deserve to be like this. That I must have done something and this is my punishment for it.

Already covered all this above, would hate to start sounding even more repetitive than I already naturally do =P . We really are kin spirits ^^; .

But, to sum up this ridiculous ranty post full of gross assumptions and improper bounciness, I'll say that I got over all this sadness quite a while back (3-4ish years?), and it's a faded memory now. It is possible for you to be happy, as 'stuck' as it may seem right now. Personally, my remedy for 'happiness' was people. I was the isolated 'Acceptable Target' by virtually every person in my school, but it only required me to gain a couple friends that would talk with me that made me start getting over my feelings. I never really talked to them about how I felt inside, they don't know that I hated myself or any of that, and they didn't have to. Just having a couple people there helped me pull myself up and feel less worthless. After all, I found my friends precious and valuable, and their opinions, so if they liked me and thought I was a nice friend, maybe I'm not so bad?

It was not a so conscious and sudden a thought though. The divorce between my anger and self-hate and my more natural hyper positivity (as I am now and was as a young kid) was a long, drawn-out process with no real leaps or sudden epiphanies. It is, after all, a state of mind, something that has hold over your every thought and emotion. Rather than going up a set of stairs or a ladder, it was more like inching up a slope, if that makes sense. It'll probably be similar for you? If you can change your life drastically for the better, that's so great, I'm pretty sure I've heard of that happening to people before. But it can be good to know that it's also possible to change yourself a little at a time. (Then again, I've always been super-slow with everything XD ) .

Also, while there may be merit to the advice of 'seeing a professional' from Cheesegear, personally I have been more... cautious of such avenues. If you want that, feel OK with the idea of getting that, then it could be a good idea. But if you're like me and it just makes you feel uncomfortable and worse, and perhaps somewhat invading to even think about talking to a stranger about these things, it may do more harm than good. Psychologists are not miracle workers, and I get the feeling that they can help best with the people who actually want to be there. It is a big decision, I think, and not one to be taken lightly. They could help a lot, especially since they are probably familiar with people like you, your feelings, and your situation, and may give you a feeling of stability or safety, and be a good outlet. But it is not the only way, so don't feel that it is if you really don't want it. Definitely something to think about.




<33333 ali

V'icternus
2009-06-12, 06:16 PM
That is one huge wall-O-text...

I'll be sure to read through that when I have some time.

lord of kobolds
2009-06-13, 09:12 PM
Still here. :smallsigh:

Well, my week has been terrible. Let's list the 4 worst things that happened this week. 2 have to do with family, and 2 have to do with work.

#1 I went to my therapist, who is supposed to be helping us with the contract. For the past couple of months, she had been getting news of my situation from my dad, the administrators at my school, and the hospital. She did not hear anything from me, and therefor assumed that what they said was the whole story. When I tried to talk to her, she said TO MY FACE that I was wrong, that I am not actually in a bad position, that what I am going through is normal for all teenagers (because spending 2 weeks in the hospital for depression is just part of growing up, of course). She looked at the contract, and said that nothing in it was difficult. When I explained that, while they might come easily to other people, it is a struggle for me, she said that was not the case:smallfurious: Because, naturally, she knows how I feel better than I do. Furthermore, I mentioned the forums in passing, and she started trying to get me to tell her what website it is on. I am not going to tell her that, because this is the one place where I can discuss things without fear of being judged based on what I say.

#2 I work at a day camp, working as a camp counselor for toddlers whose parents have to work. I love this job, it is therapeautic, and I don't feel like I'm even "working", because it is something that I enjoy doing. Unfortunately, Monday-Wednesday, I was put in the preschool group. This may not sound so bad, but all of the regular lead counselors for preschool were not there, and I was the counselor who had been working at this camp the longest. Worse, there were 2 counselors who could not get along at all. The environment was stressful, and I finally had to go to the head of camp and request to be sent back to the toddlers, because I could not handle the tension. That brings me to point #3

#3 The head of camp had something she already wanted to discuss with me. Apparently, some of the other counselors were complaining that I was getting the kids too excited. This may be true, but if so, it's only because they were so surprised to have a counselor actually INTERACT with them. Most of the counselors will just stand aside and watch. That's not childcare, that's called loitering. Furthermore, a parent walked in as I was tickling a child, and complained because the child "doesn't like to be touched". Now, this is Bull**** because the child in question came up to me as I was playing with another child, and ASKED to play with me.

#4 My grandmother died yesterday. She had been sick for a while, but it still came as a blow. Now, I will admit that I did not see her much (3-4 times a year), but I did love her. What really has me upset, though, is that I can't seem to make myself feel sad about it. I know I should be crying, but with everything else that is going on, I just can't feel anything. I'm worrying that I'm just developing a sort of callus on my soul, so that I just don't feel as bad about things.

CrimsonAngel
2009-06-13, 09:56 PM
Why are most counselors sullen and depressing?

Katrascythe
2009-06-13, 10:40 PM
Still here. :smallsigh:

Well, my week has been terrible. Let's list the 4 worst things that happened this week. 2 have to do with family, and 2 have to do with work.

#1 I went to my therapist, who is supposed to be helping us with the contract. For the past couple of months, she had been getting news of my situation from my dad, the administrators at my school, and the hospital. She did not hear anything from me, and therefor assumed that what they said was the whole story. When I tried to talk to her, she said TO MY FACE that I was wrong, that I am not actually in a bad position, that what I am going through is normal for all teenagers (because spending 2 weeks in the hospital for depression is just part of growing up, of course). She looked at the contract, and said that nothing in it was difficult. When I explained that, while they might come easily to other people, it is a struggle for me, she said that was not the case:smallfurious: Because, naturally, she knows how I feel better than I do. Furthermore, I mentioned the forums in passing, and she started trying to get me to tell her what website it is on. I am not going to tell her that, because this is the one place where I can discuss things without fear of being judged based on what I say.

#2 I work at a day camp, working as a camp counselor for toddlers whose parents have to work. I love this job, it is therapeautic, and I don't feel like I'm even "working", because it is something that I enjoy doing. Unfortunately, Monday-Wednesday, I was put in the preschool group. This may not sound so bad, but all of the regular lead counselors for preschool were not there, and I was the counselor who had been working at this camp the longest. Worse, there were 2 counselors who could not get along at all. The environment was stressful, and I finally had to go to the head of camp and request to be sent back to the toddlers, because I could not handle the tension. That brings me to point #3

#3 The head of camp had something she already wanted to discuss with me. Apparently, some of the other counselors were complaining that I was getting the kids too excited. This may be true, but if so, it's only because they were so surprised to have a counselor actually INTERACT with them. Most of the counselors will just stand aside and watch. That's not childcare, that's called loitering. Furthermore, a parent walked in as I was tickling a child, and complained because the child "doesn't like to be touched". Now, this is Bull**** because the child in question came up to me as I was playing with another child, and ASKED to play with me.

#4 My grandmother died yesterday. She had been sick for a while, but it still came as a blow. Now, I will admit that I did not see her much (3-4 times a year), but I did love her. What really has me upset, though, is that I can't seem to make myself feel sad about it. I know I should be crying, but with everything else that is going on, I just can't feel anything. I'm worrying that I'm just developing a sort of callus on my soul, so that I just don't feel as bad about things.

I'm starting at point 4

I'm really sorry to hear that your grandmother died. No matter how much you understand that it's going to happen there's really nothing that you can do to be prepared for the moment you're told. When my grandfather died (a week before I turned 11) I was incapable of crying. Everything was numb till after the funeral. I didn't want to see or interact with anyone.

With two and three I'm at a loss for what to say. I'd probably try to find somewhere else I could work that also has little kids. I'd much rather work in an active environment with little kids than just sit there and leave them to their own devices. Also, parents today are anal retentive about their kids. They're too afraid their precious little snowflakes will get hurt. Little kids will do different things with different people and I guess that parent just didn't get it.

1. Has your counselor always been like that? That's pretty messed up for what my experiences with various counselors have been. Unless them being that shocking is to make you try something? *shrugs* I'm not a psych major, that's for sure. Do you think that she'll be able to figure out which forums by virtue of you mentioning GiantITP before?

KataraAltinaII
2009-06-13, 11:28 PM
@ Jacklu


You've got 'Computerized Depression', or, Lazy Man's Syndrome; ...You're not feeling like you're accomplishing anything...Because you aren't. Sadly.

You wrote it yourself. You're wasting your days. You know the problem.


I'll second that. it's why I cut back a little on my computer time. granted, I still do it a lot, but there were times when I'd just go take a walk. you' be surprised what it can do for you.


Just gonna post about a paragraph of an update, gonna keep it short for ince...
Okay, well, for anyone interested, my school issues have recently become less important, as I'm finally up to date. Now I only have to deal with all the usual problems that exist in my life. (For those of you not keeping track since the last thread, that's still a lot).

My brother's still... well, my brother. My parents haven't changed a bit, the dogs are annoying as hell, and despite the fact that I was the one fully opposed to getting both dog #1 and #2, I'm still expected to put in more than my share of work for them.

And then, you know, the rest, which I wont get into here as a rant on my bizzare emotional state would be long-winded and in the end, anyone who wanted to know could find out elsewhere anyway...

But yeah, anyway, long story short, I'm back to "normal" levels of stress, anxiety and generally low on the depression scale for the time being. THis probably has a lot to do with the D&D session I just got back from, but the school thing is also a big help to my mental state.
Well, this post is already longer than I thought it would be, so I'll stop now.

Oh, and Jacklu? I can't exactly help, but I can relate. The only advice I can offer is to listen to Cheesegear there... he seems to have some good ideas that I would apply to my own life if, well... if I actually wanted to "fix" it. And really, I doubt you are as far gone as me into the depths of not caring... So you really should try to fix things in your life. Get away from the internet at all costs, and screens in general should be avoided, at least as prime time-uses. If you don't think you can do it, ust do it anyway and prove that you can.

...I need to find a way to make my "one paragraph" posts stop lasting so damn long... :smallsigh:

that sounds a lot like me. I'm sort of in the realm of "I raelly don't give a damn, and so oh wellz for me.

all in all though, when I feel bored and depressed, and there's nothing to cheer me up, I just leave the house. I never have a destination in mind, I just sort of go wherever I feel like going at the time. often times it's just a trip in a big circle, but occasionally I stop and get something to eat.

it's a very simple concept that can be applied to both of these scenarios I believe. if people are annoying you, find a way to get away from them. And if people "don't let" you go out on a walk [or take a bike if you have one. I sometimes do] then ultimately, it's your own grave being dug, as people will walk all over you, and it means you have no backbone.

that aside, getting out of the house is ultimately, something to do. take an MP3 player if you want to feel a certain way during this little outing. for me, it just gives me time to stop and think about anything, ranging from things I've done, things I've screw up, to smaller, more trivial things like food I've eaten and characters that I've owned with in Super Smash Bros. Melee. [Zelda, if anyone is interested]

that's about the extent of my advice for today. Generally, when I come into this thread, I'm more looking for things to answer, not things to complain about, 'coz I generally buck up.

but that's not the point. if you want the summarized version of my rant, it's basically this:

"take a walk by yourself, jsut to get out of the house"

Cheesegear
2009-06-14, 12:06 AM
"take a walk by yourself, just to get out of the house"

My favourite place is the park (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=6259001&postcount=816). It's where I go to feed the ducks - among other critters - whenever I'm stressed out after work or I can't deal with the people I live with (my family :smallfrown:) at any given point (providing it's not after-dark).

Well, it's actually my second-favourite, the first being my room. But, that's unhealthy and I'm fully aware of that.

If you don't have a car, just walk up and down your street - for exercise as well. See what you can see, maybe even meet your neighbours? As I've said previously, I walk up and down my (rather hill-y - exercise is good for you!) street for 90 minutes day, five days a week. I've met just about everyone on my 4km (~2.5mi) street, and I get a smile every time someone waves at me from their car.

V'icternus
2009-06-14, 03:33 AM
that sounds a lot like me. I'm sort of in the realm of "I raelly don't give a damn, and so oh wellz for me.

all in all though, when I feel bored and depressed, and there's nothing to cheer me up, I just leave the house. I never have a destination in mind, I just sort of go wherever I feel like going at the time. often times it's just a trip in a big circle, but occasionally I stop and get something to eat.

it's a very simple concept that can be applied to both of these scenarios I believe. if people are annoying you, find a way to get away from them. And if people "don't let" you go out on a walk [or take a bike if you have one. I sometimes do] then ultimately, it's your own grave being dug, as people will walk all over you, and it means you have no backbone.

that aside, getting out of the house is ultimately, something to do. take an MP3 player if you want to feel a certain way during this little outing. for me, it just gives me time to stop and think about anything, ranging from things I've done, things I've screw up, to smaller, more trivial things like food I've eaten and characters that I've owned with in Super Smash Bros. Melee. [Zelda, if anyone is interested]

that's about the extent of my advice for today. Generally, when I come into this thread, I'm more looking for things to answer, not things to complain about, 'coz I generally buck up.

but that's not the point. if you want the summarized version of my rant, it's basically this:

"take a walk by yourself, jsut to get out of the house"

...You're telling me you still don't know how much I don't like random excercise? How long have you known me, over two years now?

Well, anyway, I'm actually fine with where I am now.

KataraAltinaII
2009-06-14, 03:44 AM
...You're telling me you still don't know how much I don't like random excercise? How long have you known me, over two years now?

Well, anyway, I'm actually fine with where I am now.

hey, neither do I. it's called getting out of your comfort zone for once though.

besides, if you think walking is a "difficult exercise" [OMG I spelled it right!] then you're a pansy.

walking is only an exercise if you make it. I don't set a pace or anything when I walk. I just walk at a comfortable stride, and it never wears me out.

V'icternus
2009-06-14, 03:54 AM
hey, neither do I. it's called getting out of your comfort zone for once though.

besides, if you think walking is a "difficult exercise" [OMG I spelled it right!] then you're a pansy.

walking is only an exercise if you make it. I don't set a pace or anything when I walk. I just walk at a comfortable stride, and it never wears me out.

I only choose walk when I have somewhere to go.

I rarely have anywhere to go.

Besides, why get out of my comfort zone? I'm comfortable here. And I have no reason to leave. I haev a room to shut myself in, and if I want exercise, I have a fully functional bike that I can use.

(Also, walking is never difficult, unless, you know, injuries, tiredness or something is involved.)

KataraAltinaII
2009-06-14, 03:59 AM
I only choose walk when I have somewhere to go.

I rarely have anywhere to go.

Besides, why get out of my comfort zone? I'm comfortable here. And I have no reason to leave. I haev a room to shut myself in, and if I want exercise, I have a fully functional bike that I can use.

(Also, walking is never difficult, unless, you know, injuries, tiredness or something is involved.)
if you're 'comfortable', then why do you have so many complaints? :smallconfused:

and yeah, I may have forgotten to mention it, but randomly taking your bike somewhere is a good alternative for walking. I sometimes do that, depending on if I have a good bike handy or not. :smallbiggrin:

V'icternus
2009-06-14, 04:04 AM
if you're 'comfortable', then why do you have so many complaints? :smallconfused:

Because, I'm comfortable with the ammount of complaints I have. Most of the really bad ones are gone, and now I'm left with the usual stuff...
And I'm not here to whine about the unchangeable facts of my life, I just felt like talking about my various problems, which also turns out to be a good way to "get into the thread" so to speak, which allows me to potentially lend credible advice to others. (Because who takes depression advice from people who don't have problems? You can't relate, so it isn't as effective). That's one of the many, many reasons Bor is so good at advice giving.

And as for recently, I was just updating, just in case anyone cared after seeign my main post on the previous thread.

Cheesegear
2009-06-14, 10:47 AM
...You're telling me you still don't know how much I don't like random excercise?

If you make a habit out of it, it's no longer 'random'. It's a scheduled outing that you've planned for and have been expecting. :smallwink:


Originally posted by KataraAltinaII
besides, if you think walking is a "difficult exercise" [OMG I spelled it right!] then you're a pansy.

QFT. Walking is easy. If you do find walking 'hard', then only walk a little bit, further and further every time. Soon, you'll find that walking takes far too long and then that's when you start jogging.


Back to V'ic
I only choose walk when I have somewhere to go.
I rarely have anywhere to go.

That's why you make yourself have somewhere to go.


Besides, why get out of my comfort zone? I'm comfortable here. And I have no reason to leave. I have a room to shut myself in, and if I want exercise, I have a fully functional bike that I can use.

I have issues with the emphasised (by me) statement. And, judging from what I've read of your previous posts, I know you don't care a whit. But, I had the same view-point as you for ...roughly two years of my life. And, whilst it does seem 'okay' to you, one day - like me - you're going to find that that kind of view of the world doesn't work, at least, in the sense of being non-functional.
One day, your room isn't going to be around anymore. You're going to find that you need to eat, you need to buy things, you need to do stuff. And, unless you know precisely what you're doing, you're going to need money to do the things you want to do. Which includes work. Which includes dealing with people who don't have the same viewpoints as you.

In any case, sooner or later you'll change your mind. And, if you don't, then I'll just have to go right ahead and be sad for you.

And telling other people to simply 'not care' about things that're stressing them out is...Slightly insulting. If it wasn't important to them then they wouldn't be stressing.

Remember, the idea of exercise isn't to go anywhere. It's to get yourself healthy, get some fresh air, sunshine to activate that Vitamin D that you need for healthy bones, and maybe socialise (you're on distance education, right?) with the people on your street. And all-importantly, activity = endorphins, which makes you happy, or at least less angry/stressed about...Everything.

Jibar
2009-06-14, 04:15 PM
I'd just like to stress the importance of getting out of your room.
I'm sitting here with a niiice side of agoraphobia that's just getting the worse the longer I sit here.
Right now, if it's just a matter of personal preference, you have a much greater chance than me of getting out and about every now and then and building up a resistance to the outdoors and the world around you. And, seriously, do it.

V'icternus
2009-06-14, 06:05 PM
Well, for the time being, my room is my only real escape from the various things in my life that cause me to want to leave it, and I don't really feel like giving up my room hiding.

Of course, my "hiding" jsut means going in, closing the door and doing what I want. I leave when someone needs me, or when I need something. I just find it to my liking to have a wall and a locked door between me and the rest of the world.

And as for the health implications, well...
Screw that. If my diet doesn't kill me, then I'm sure some disease will come along and knock me off. If I wanted to be healthy and live a long happy life, I'd have started trying years ago. About ten years, actually.
No, I'm not trying to shoot down your advice for no reason. I'm just not the kind of person who can really be helped.
I've been to real world proffesionals, I've tried to find out if anyone could convince me otherwise, but I just can't seem to be helped.

But like I said, I'm actually fien with where I am right now. I'm in my room less, and have started trying to plan for the long-term. And I remain relatively happy, despite my current illness (unidentified as of yet. Might be a cold or flu...)

Cheesegear
2009-06-14, 09:40 PM
Well, for the time being, my room is my only real escape from the various things in my life that cause me to want to leave it, and I don't really feel like giving up my room hiding.

Yeah. Exactly. 'Running Away' is not a solution. You go by distance education and you don't have job. Socially, you've been very (un?)lucky, because in scholastic and work environments, there are no places to run away. The problems yesterday are still problems today.


I leave when someone needs me, or when I need something. I just find it to my liking to have a wall and a locked door between me and the rest of the world.

I know what you mean. I really, really do. Since - to an extent - I still do that myself, except for the fact that my door doesn't lock. So, if I do decide to shut myself in, it means jack-all. But, I recognise the fact that
a) It's non-functional, in terms of 'the real world', and
b) Hiding isn't a solution


Screw that. If my diet doesn't kill me, then I'm sure some disease will come along and knock me off. If I wanted to be healthy and live a long happy life, I'd have started trying years ago. About ten years, actually.

When I was doing my training in the hospital, I was put in a cardiac ward (truth be told, the worst place they could've put me. Since that ward and it's patients directly led to me quitting nursing). Now, as I'm sure you know, hearts don't just 'give out' for no particular reason, and - as the media likes to shove in our face - most forms of heart disease are easily preventable.
Most of the guys in that ward had a common thought;
"If only I'd known then what I know now." in other words; Perhaps they should've been paying attention to their health.

With a decent (not 'Right', since I don't believe there is a 'Right Diet') and a halfway decent amount of exercise, it takes on average 5-8 weeks to get 'healthy' (not 'fit'). The only 'effort' that is really put into being healthy, is the motivation at the start. Once you start exercising, you'll be much happier (the healthy side is an afterthought, given the nature of this thread). The reason 'going outside' is a common piece of advice on this thread is because it works.
THE OUTSIDE IS YOUR FRIEND.


No, I'm not trying to shoot down your advice for no reason. I'm just not the kind of person who can really be helped.

But the way you shoot it down could use some work. "Screw that." is hardly the proper response to someone giving you advice, and, frankly, if you were sitting in front of me at this very moment...Luckily, this is the internet, and in the spirit of the thread and the Forum Rules in general, Backspace was my friend.

Because you don't want to be. Because Life hasn't kicked you in the nuts yet for doing what you've been doing. And it will. And, as I said before; If you don't change, I'm going to be sad for you.


But like I said, I'm actually fien with where I am right now. I'm in my room less, and have started trying to plan for the long-term. And I remain relatively happy, despite my current illness (unidentified as of yet. Might be a cold or flu...)

Again, you're fine because so far there have been no problems (for you) with what you've been doing. 'Planning for the long term', pretty much means 'getting healthy' otherwise there is no long term. And, at least you're not one of those people that equates the flu with the common cold. But if you had the flu (Influenza); You'd know. Because you'd be in hospital or having a very, very unpleasant time with vomiting and diarrhea.

Here's a story that my psychiatrist told me because I was once just like you; I've embellished and fleshed it out little bit;
You're a guy, in a war. You've just spotted the enemy army. That enemy is Life. Yes, for you, right now; Life is your enemy. Think about what that means for a second. In any case, Life wants to do things to you, good or bad, it makes hardly a difference. So, you dig a foxhole, and you hide from the enemy. Of course, by hiding; Life can't get to you, but, nor can you get to Life.
Now, your buddies, they all run over the trenches and straight into Life, guns blazing. Some of them get shot. Some of them get flesh wounds and keep on fighting. Some go down in a blaze of glory to be remembered by everyone who saw him. And some go on to be glorious heroes. They take their shots at Life.
But you, you're in a foxhole. You don't get shot down by Life. But you don't take any shots either. Some people, they're still in the trenches, some have been at Life, but have run away back into the trenches. Now, they'll stay with you for a while. But the ones who took their shot and came back, will soon realise how much more exciting not hiding was, and they'll go back into the fray.
And soon, everyone on your side of the field, the people who know you, will all be gone, Life will have moved on, since they didn't find you in your foxhole. Life is gone, all your compatriots are gone. And you'll be left alone wondering what the Hell happened.

Here's another story that makes me sad because I personally know these guys;
In my Grade 12 class, there were two boys and a girl. They didn't really care about anyone except themselves, they didn't care about anyone else's problems, and their own problems didn't matter because they spent their whole life running away. All three of them didn't think school was important.
One of them is now in jail for years for vehicular manslaughter whilst DUI
The girl is now in jail for a few months in relation to the above.
And the other guy, with the only two people in the world who could put up with his crap, OD-ed on heroine the week after.

Calmness
2009-06-14, 09:58 PM
You know V'icternus, i used to be like you when i was younger. I never got out of my room when i was a teenager because i felt safer there, never went to parties during high school or middle-high and never got together with my classmates, all to avoid leaving my comfort zone. I'm 22 now and i have a non-existant social life and only one person i would really consider a friend. Soon i'll get my degree in Industrial Engineering and i'll leave my College classmates behind the same way i left everybody. It is pretty sad honestly, and i would never wish this loneliness to anybody. It is not worth it, and you'll just end up kicking yourself in the nuts when you are older.

So yeah, don't be afraid of shaking things up man, there are many good things and people out there, believe me.

Faulty
2009-06-14, 10:41 PM
I try to keep up beat about life and myself, but right now I feel really ****ty about myself. I don't feel attractive, don't like the way I dress, but feel like no clothing would look good or right on me, and I don't feel like I have a particularly strong or likable personality. Maybe this's passing, but sometimes I feel like my self-love is self-denial.

V'icternus
2009-06-14, 11:02 PM
I fully understand that some of the things I do are non-functional and don't help, and I also understand that my life isn't likely to last much longer unless I start eating better. (Which has always been a problem for me.)

And you're right about the fact that nothing's ever really happened to me. The closest life has ever gotten to me are the times when my family members got badly affected by it. My dads cheating and subsequent divorce, and the time my brother got hit by that car are the main ones I can remember.
Oh, and the ever-present problems my sister faces...

I've never broken a bone, and I've never been to an emergency room (except for the aforementioned time when my careless brother got smacked across the street by a careless driver)

However, I am trying, at least a little...

I'm way more social than I used to be. I even use the phone now, and talk to strangers on the street when they want to talk.
I'm more confident about my appearance and spend mych less tiem in my room. If I could just get out more and eat some healthy food, I'd be fine. But the food thing's always been a problem and the getting out, well... I'm gonna try and do that once the weather improves. (Walking the dogs, mainly)

Faulty
2009-06-14, 11:05 PM
Become a vegetarian. It's not necessarily healthier, but because it's a more limited diet, you're forced to look at what you eat more often. It'll help keep your attention focused on your diet, and when done right is very healthy.

Ego Slayer
2009-06-15, 10:21 AM
Just gonna say something really quickly here.

I had a bit of a panic attack last night, which was a first for me. I eventually calmed down by the time I went to bed. I woke up at 5am for no apparent reason, got up to close the windows (obnoxious birds), and as I was lying there again trying to get back to sleep, thinking about things, my heart started racing again and I sat up and tried to think about something else and subdued it enough to fall back asleep. I *just* woke up now, 11:10am, and as soon as I fully gained consciousness, my heart starts racing and I'm a bit shaky again. What the hell is happening? Am I accidentally giving myself panic effects because of how dazed and confused, and later a little scared, from the first one and am nervous about getting more. How the hell can I start feeling like this TWICE immediately upon waking up. :smalleek:

I had a bit of a headache coming on last night, so I popped an Advil, and had some tea, so it's not like I'm doing anything I haven't done before. I'm not really on any 'meds', except for a longterm antibiotic for something, that I've had for a couple weeks now. It's onset was purely emotional, as far as I see. And I've had A LOT of serious breakdowns, but never one perfect enough to have an attack from.

Haaaaaalp. :smalleek: :smallfrown:

Lufia
2009-06-15, 11:18 AM
When you say any issue, you do mean any issue?

Procrastination.

I've had a habit of doing stuff close to the deadline for a very long time, but now it's getting ridiculous. I've a paper to do during the term (the whole term)? I'll start thinking about it a week before at the earliest. And when I suddenly decide I want to work and get on the computer, I get sidetracked by internet, games, hell even Minesweeper!

I know it's a way not to have to admit failure. "Man, if I'd invested more time in that, I'd have totally aced it!" But even knowing that, I can't seem to do anything to solve the problem. And having to work on the computer (and often needing the internet for references) just makes things worse.

Does anybody have any advice for that?

golfmade
2009-06-15, 11:29 AM
Any advice for how to chill out when facing road rage? Granted I actually live in Taiwan and traffic here is chaos, but I hate getting angry each time I go out because of the chaos here. I've been here 3 years now and I know traffic routines, I know the type of morons that will gladly drive on the wrong hand side of the road, I know who will turn left when their right blinker is on, etc... I know all this and I've never been in a serious accident but most days I just have to shut my motorcycle helmet and just scream, especially before I get home so I try not to bring that anger into the house.

And yeah, this honestly is affecting my personality. I'm not a violent person but I've found that more and more I wish people here would get into accidents when I see them blindly running a red light or such.

Katrascythe
2009-06-15, 12:08 PM
Any advice for how to chill out when facing road rage? Granted I actually live in Taiwan and traffic here is chaos, but I hate getting angry each time I go out because of the chaos here. I've been here 3 years now and I know traffic routines, I know the type of morons that will gladly drive on the wrong hand side of the road, I know who will turn left when their right blinker is on, etc... I know all this and I've never been in a serious accident but most days I just have to shut my motorcycle helmet and just scream, especially before I get home so I try not to bring that anger into the house.

And yeah, this honestly is affecting my personality. I'm not a violent person but I've found that more and more I wish people here would get into accidents when I see them blindly running a red light or such.

Yeah I live in TX and I see lots of idiot drivers. Not to that extent but I feel your pain. Not trying to be (too) funny but you might try less caffeine in the morning or something. I'd also try some music in the background when you're driving. Or if you already play music try changing genres and see if you can find something that calms your nerves as opposed to exciting them.

I'm not exactly a psychologist but I do stuff like that if I know that the morning will be really stressful so I don't blow up at someone.

dish
2009-06-15, 02:07 PM
Ego:
What you describe sounds exactly like something I've experienced during periods of prolonged or excessive stress. A friend once had it so bad that NHS Direct diagnosed her as having a heart attack when she wasn't - it was just her body dealing with the stress of moving from the UK to China.

So, the first thing I'd ask is: can you identify any major or long-lasting stress which might have caused your body to react this way? If you can, I'd recommend looking into relaxation techniques such as yoga, breathing or visualisation exercises. If you can't, or if these attacks persist, I would definitely advise you to check it out with your doctor.

To get through an attack I generally try to keep my mind as calm as possible by telling myself, "This is just my body reacting in a natural way. It'll be over soon. Everything is actually ok," until it passes.

Lufia:
Wish I could help, but the fact that I'm posting on a forum at 2.50am rather than doing the work I sat down to do at 5pm yesterday evening, suggests that I share this problem. The best I can offer is: get the references first, and then disable the internet connection until you've finished the report.

golfmade:
I've lived in China for over a decade. I don't own a car here, but I do ride a bicycle through the Shanghai streets, and I am amazed at how many times I have cheated death whilst doing so. My advice is:
1. If possible, leave the motorbike at home and take public transport. That way you just avoid the problem. (In the Shanghai metro, though, it leads to different forms of transport rage, such as, "Why do they keep on pushing and shoving? Why can't they let departing passengers out of the carriage before barging in themselves? Why?"
2. Try to keep the focus on the positive. Instead of thinking, "OMG that idiot nearly killed me," think, "I correctly identified the risk and managed to avoid a collision. Good work. Now keep alert for the next threat." In fact, you can just imagine every trip as a safety test and focus on improving your score each day.
3. Make sure you always leave plenty of time for your journey. The less rushed you are, the easier it is to remain philosophical about the driving.
4. Turn it into an 'I Spy' type of game. Keep a running tally of how many cars you see jump a red light, or how many people you meet driving on the wrong side of the road. See if you can beat your previous best scores. Collect your favourite incidents to use as dinner party stories. (One of my favourites is the time I saw a truck driver completely misjudge his breaking distance to a red light and drive straight into a stationary police motorcycle. The two policemen were knocked off unharmed, but incredibly annoyed. Passing pedestrians were stopping to point and laugh.)

Ego Slayer
2009-06-15, 02:50 PM
Ego:
What you describe sounds exactly like something I've experienced during periods of prolonged or excessive stress. A friend once had it so bad that NHS Direct diagnosed her as having a heart attack when she wasn't - it was just her body dealing with the stress of moving from the UK to China.

So, the first thing I'd ask is: can you identify any major or long-lasting stress which might have caused your body to react this way? If you can, I'd recommend looking into relaxation techniques such as yoga, breathing or visualisation exercises. If you can't, or if these attacks persist, I would definitely advise you to check it out with your doctor.

To get through an attack I generally try to keep my mind as calm as possible by telling myself, "This is just my body reacting in a natural way. It'll be over soon. Everything is actually ok," until it passes.

My entire existence is stress. I'm always stressed. Always on edge and can break down in tears at the tiniest things. I've had so many breakdowns where I feel like I'm dying, but I've never had a physical reaction like that.

Sunday was a different kind of emotional intensity than I usually get. Was more on the positive side of the spectrum, except later that evening *everything* came crashing back down on me. Everything that's worrying me, all the thoughts that stress me, etc. I cried a bit, calmed down a little... wasn't stable, but it wasn't anything I hadn't felt a thousand times before. I was supposed to be doing something with my guild in WoW that evening, which I always look forward to, but someone made a comment in guild chat (something especially distasteful and disrespectful, but not at anyone in guild) as we were getting things set up, and I freaked out and closed both Ventrilo and the game. I'd been listening to music earlier, so the media player was still up and I flipped on a song and sat at my desk with my head in my hands and just cried. Between so many painful, confusing, and worrisome things all tearing through my head at the same time pared with the intensity of the music and some stupid thing I couldn't stop repeating to myself, in my head, and feeling utterly alone again, I went way off the deep end.

I've had something like heart palpitations all day when, honestly, I'm relatively calm mentally. I'm a little scared, because I'm patiently waiting for this to end, but there's nothing immediately stressing me. I've already distracted myself with the internet, sat outside in the sun/took a short walk, took a shower, tried to do a bit of yoga to get myself to breathe right... but there's no end in sight.

Gem Flower
2009-06-15, 05:48 PM
*sigh* I'm here to vent.

I'm trying. I really am. I have been able to stop myself from cutting a few times. But my depressions always come back worse! I'm confused; it's as if there is a war going on inside me, and I have no control over either side! I've started to withdraw. People I used to talk to, I now shut out. I've also come to a realization; in some ways, I truly loathe myself.

Cheesegear
2009-06-15, 08:50 PM
@Gem

I have been able to stop myself from cutting a few times. But my depressions always come back worse! I'm confused; it's as if there is a war going on inside me, and I have no control over either side! I've started to withdraw. People I used to talk to, I now shut out. I've also come to a realization; in some ways, I truly loathe myself.

Unfortunately, that's a lot of descriptive and emotive text there. But, there isn't a whole lot I can say/ask except 'Why?', what is actually going on in your life to make you feel this way?

Why are you cutting? (I seriously don't understand the concept of self-harm myself, even at my most depressed {Suicidal}, the idea of doing small, non-lethal injuries to myself never made any sense. So, I really do want to know why you do it.)
What is this 'war' inside yourself?
Why do you shut out people you used to talk to?
Why do you loathe yourself?

More questions that I need answers to before I can give satisfactory advice (all of the following questions could be in relation to the above questions);
How old are you? Due to the nature of the internet, feel free to not answer that.
Who do you live with? How's home life in general?
Do you go to school, and if so, what level are you at? (The options of junior-year students are completely different to senior-year)
Do you have a job? Do you enjoy it?

Zeb The Troll
2009-06-15, 11:46 PM
@Ego - See a doctor. Alarra recently had symptoms like what you're describing. It turned out to be sinus tachycardia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sinus_tachycardia) brought on by the pregnancy but there was genuine concern by the ER. It took a cardiologist to identify it and explain what's going on because those symptoms can be linked to any number of more worrisome troubles.

I don't want to stress you out more, it's probably nothing, but I'd like for you to come back soon and let us know that a doctor told you it was nothing.

*steals some of Alarra's pudding and gives Ego a bowl*

Dallas-Dakota
2009-06-16, 02:06 AM
*sigh* I'm here to vent.

I'm trying. I really am. I have been able to stop myself from cutting a few times. But my depressions always come back worse! I'm confused; it's as if there is a war going on inside me, and I have no control over either side! I've started to withdraw. People I used to talk to, I now shut out. I've also come to a realization; in some ways, I truly loathe myself.

*hugs*
I think I know how you feel.....I rarely talk anymore to some people, or become very, very moody when I do. My brains....Well there's this stupid thing called a Chronic Migraine which has taken a liking to that space in my head. :smallyuk:

How is the 'personal hanger' idea going? It sounds a bit like your emotions are heavily acting on hormones/chemicals/whatever. Does the hanger/bracelet thingy give you a moment delay, enough for you to 'take control' ?

I've been hanging around with some of the same stuff that you just described. Some more details, as Cheesegear said, would be nice. But I'm coming back to you as soon as I've found th answers. Which may be as soon as.......20 kabzillion years.....

golfmade
2009-06-16, 10:24 AM
For Katrascythe:


Yeah I live in TX and I see lots of idiot drivers. Not to that extent but I feel your pain. Not trying to be (too) funny but you might try less caffeine in the morning or something. I'd also try some music in the background when you're driving. Or if you already play music try changing genres and see if you can find something that calms your nerves as opposed to exciting them.

I'm not exactly a psychologist but I do stuff like that if I know that the morning will be really stressful so I don't blow up at someone.

Well I don't drink caffeine as much as I used to and I always listen to music when I'm on my scooter. I generally change what I listen to from day to day. One of the biggest problems is just that, in the mornings I study Chinese at a university, then go have lunch with my wife, then go to work then of course go home late at night from work.


for dish:



golfmade:
I've lived in China for over a decade. I don't own a car here, but I do ride a bicycle through the Shanghai streets, and I am amazed at how many times I have cheated death whilst doing so. My advice is:
1. If possible, leave the motorbike at home and take public transport. That way you just avoid the problem. (In the Shanghai metro, though, it leads to different forms of transport rage, such as, "Why do they keep on pushing and shoving? Why can't they let departing passengers out of the carriage before barging in themselves? Why?"
2. Try to keep the focus on the positive. Instead of thinking, "OMG that idiot nearly killed me," think, "I correctly identified the risk and managed to avoid a collision. Good work. Now keep alert for the next threat." In fact, you can just imagine every trip as a safety test and focus on improving your score each day.
3. Make sure you always leave plenty of time for your journey. The less rushed you are, the easier it is to remain philosophical about the driving.
4. Turn it into an 'I Spy' type of game. Keep a running tally of how many cars you see jump a red light, or how many people you meet driving on the wrong side of the road. See if you can beat your previous best scores. Collect your favourite incidents to use as dinner party stories. (One of my favourites is the time I saw a truck driver completely misjudge his breaking distance to a red light and drive straight into a stationary police motorcycle. The two policemen were knocked off unharmed, but incredibly annoyed. Passing pedestrians were stopping to point and laugh.)

1. Have never been to China yet but I'm sure Shanghai is much worse than Kaohsiung. That said public transportation is not an option for me. Every day I need to be in different parts of town and well, the bus system here sucks and I'd take the MRT if it went anywhere near where I need to be, but it doesn't.
2. That's one thing I've been trying to do is turn things into a positive. I've noticed it works but not 100% of the time, just need to do it more I guess.
3. I generally am not in a rush but funny enough (maybe I'm a bit knocked in the head...) I view more time on the road as a bigger chance of being in an accident. So while I leave myself time to get someplace I generally try to plan a route that will get me there as quickly as possible.
4. That's one thing myself and my friends here do. I have a good friend who is from Germany and was in the military before in various aspects, including military police. He told me on his ride to class one morning here he counted over 600 traffic violations. And every Friday night when we do our gaming sessions we always start with dinner and traffic news right off the bat, it's a bit cathartic to share the news with friends, then get it out of the way and let the dice roll.

May I ask what you do in Shanghai?

KataraAltinaII
2009-06-16, 10:51 AM
No, I'm not trying to shoot down your advice for no reason. I'm just not the kind of person who can really be helped.

Because you don't want to be. Because Life hasn't kicked you in the nuts yet for doing what you've been doing. And it will. And, as I said before; If you don't change, I'm going to be sad for you.


I'll quote this for truth. It's all still fun and games because something like that hasn't happened to you. I know this from experience, because I was one of the unlucky ones who it DID affect.

life really DID come along to kick me in the nuts. I'd tell the story, but it's not really too relevant.

What I'm saying is, is it appears that you're taking the same road I did, and, once you get a job or go to college [assuming you do. If you don't, more power to ya] you can't live the same life you did before college or work, otherwise it'll get you there. life always chooses one of those times to strike. [P.S. that's where my story would fit in] :smallannoyed:

And you claim that you're unable to be helped. There's an old religious saying that goes something like "God doesn't help those who don't help themselves". Whilst I know that not everyone believes in God, it's ultimately a true principle regardless, and so here's the non-religious version:

"Those who do not help themselves will never receive help."

Your refusal to help yourself is why no one, not even the professionals you went to see [correct me on that if I'm wrong] is able to help you. Sure it might seem fine this early in life, but later on, it's going to hit you hard. If not only my story to back me up, then the stories I have of friends and family who did the same thing. :smalleek:

and of course, I could start a big rant about why people who don't want help should never complain about anything, but that doesn't seem like the right thing to do in this scenario.

One thing I will advise though, is, unless it's completely stupid or irrelevant, never shoot down someone else's advice. Otherwise, it's just complaining without a cause, often known as whining.

just a little pointer. :smallwink:

As for one final note; I didn't mention too much about the health issue because that's one thing that I'm sort of digging myself a grave for, and so therefore telling you stuff that I don't even do or stuff that I have no experience in, would by hypocritical.

and a hypocrite, I am not. if anything, I'm the opposite. :smallbiggrin:

dish
2009-06-16, 12:06 PM
Ego:
1. You say it's been going on pretty much all day. In that case, as Zeb said, I do recommend going to a doctor. Just check out that it isn't something physical. (And if it is physical, at least you can stop worrying about your stress levels. :smallwink:)

2. If it is related to the emotions you experienced during the guild chat, then maybe you should seek a bit of closure there? Just a simple email or PM to the guild member explaining that while you really enjoy playing and interacting with them, that particular comment offended and upset you, so could they please not do it again? The member might feel it was something off-hand and insignificant, but you do have the right to politely request a respectful environment to interact in.

Gem:
You've been struggling with this for a while, haven't you? It is possible that this particular battle is the 'darkest night' one, and if you make it through this, you could find it easier in the future.

I read a line in a short story once which said, "In our society, the more beautiful and intelligent a young woman is, the more likely she is to suffer from major insecurity issues."

Sometimes I hate our society.

Writers who I found helpful in dealing with my own self-hatred issues:
M. Scott Peck (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._Scott_Peck) (especially 'The Road Less Travelled' and 'Further Along the Road Less Travelled').
Gerard Hughes (http://www.gerardwhughes.com/) (especially 'God of Surprises').

The latter might be a bit too Christian - but actually I think any Christian theologian who is talking about the concept of 'forgiveness' will probably have something relevant to say here, since 'self-hatred' or 'self-loathing' is basically a refusal to forgive yourself for your natural human failings, isn't it?

golfmade:
I teach, but we'd better continue this conversation in RB or another thread, since it isn't really relevant here.

Ego Slayer
2009-06-16, 01:38 PM
Ego:
1. You say it's been going on pretty much all day. In that case, as Zeb said, I do recommend going to a doctor. Just check out that it isn't something physical. (And if it is physical, at least you can stop worrying about your stress levels. :smallwink:)

2. If it is related to the emotions you experienced during the guild chat, then maybe you should seek a bit of closure there? Just a simple email or PM to the guild member explaining that while you really enjoy playing and interacting with them, that particular comment offended and upset you, so could they please not do it again? The member might feel it was something off-hand and insignificant, but you do have the right to politely request a respectful environment to interact in.
When I went back into the voicechat channel I sent a whisper to one of the main members (who, incidentally was the one who'd made the comment) intending to tell him I would be backing out for the night (which I ended up not doing) and he apologized for what he said 'cos he knows I'm not the most sane person. They all make a lot of questionable comments, but they don't often bother me, and I wouldn't normally have completely flipped out if I wasn't already very much unstable. Of course, I wasn't expecting to flip out THAT far.

As for doctors... that's the last resort, where this to continue. I don't yet know if I'm okay or not, today, as something unrelated, and rather unimportant, is making me nervous anyway. Once I get said thing out of the way, today, I'll see how I feel this evening/tomorrow, before making an effort to do anything about it, if anything needs to be done.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-16, 04:01 PM
It's all about me...again. :smallfrown:
My apologies for having become less active over the last week. As usual, I'm having issues, and find it hard to help others. In fact, I posted about it on my blog (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2009/06/little-nap.html), and one of the comments left was both worrisome and touching. That a friend would shed tears for me because they're concerned is...well, "nice" isn't the proper word, but it offers a degree of comfort, as it lets me know that someone cares deeply about little old me.

What must be understood is that I have a diagnosis of severe recurring depression. Thoughts of suicide are not uncommon. What makes me a success when dealing with this illness is a combination of medication and devoting willpower to not dwell on it. To move on to other thoughts or to find a distraction from those dreadful ideas is an accomplishment unto itself. But there are times when the symptoms are stronger than my will, and I succumb to a certain extent.

My success with this community has been my level of honesty. I rarely hold back anything, and posts like yesterday's entry on my blog are part of that. "I hate my life...almost every aspect of it. Yet I am still here, fighting the good fight, and one of my methods of continuing my private battles is to speak up in order to help draw some of the mental poison out." It is apparently terrifying to my friends when I make such posts, and yet the fact that I make them is actually a good sign. It means the problems are still up for discussion, and I'm still seeking solutions and/or help. Ironically, the bad sign would be when I stop complaining; that's when genuine concern should come into play.

So for the moment, despite my utter and complete misery, one might say that all is well. Yes, it's backwards...but if I was in such a crisis as to be in some kind of genuine danger, people would never hear about it. So when Bor is creating a "whine festival," it's a good thing.

Gem Flower
2009-06-16, 05:07 PM
@Gem


Unfortunately, that's a lot of descriptive and emotive text there. But, there isn't a whole lot I can say/ask except 'Why?', what is actually going on in your life to make you feel this way?

Why are you cutting? (I seriously don't understand the concept of self-harm myself, even at my most depressed {Suicidal}, the idea of doing small, non-lethal injuries to myself never made any sense. So, I really do want to know why you do it.)
What is this 'war' inside yourself?
Why do you shut out people you used to talk to?
Why do you loathe yourself?

More questions that I need answers to before I can give satisfactory advice (all of the following questions could be in relation to the above questions);
How old are you? Due to the nature of the internet, feel free to not answer that.
Who do you live with? How's home life in general?
Do you go to school, and if so, what level are you at? (The options of junior-year students are completely different to senior-year)
Do you have a job? Do you enjoy it?

Usually, it's a punishment. I feel that I taint the world, and I deserve to suffer for it.
The "war" is the reasonable part of me that says that this won't do anything against the unreasonable part of my brain that rules over it with brute strength.
I live with my parents, home life is fine.
I go to school, not a senior-year.
I'm not old enough to have a job, so no.

Calmness
2009-06-16, 06:09 PM
You deserve no punishment Gem Flower, why do you feel like that? Do people hate you, mistreat you? Has somebody made you feel worthless? You were happy once, i bet.

Lufia
2009-06-16, 06:18 PM
Lufia:
Wish I could help, but the fact that I'm posting on a forum at 2.50am rather than doing the work I sat down to do at 5pm yesterday evening, suggests that I share this problem. The best I can offer is: get the references first, and then disable the internet connection until you've finished the report.
Eh. I'm good enough that it doesn't affect my results too badly but I fear there's a time it will come bite me in the arse. I wonder if just being registered on an internet forum is an indicator that ones suffers from this affliction.

Cheesegear
2009-06-16, 06:55 PM
Eh. I'm good enough that it doesn't affect my results too badly but I fear there's a time it will come bite me in the arse. I wonder if just being registered on an internet forum is an indicator that ones suffers from this affliction.

Hey, I've got chronic insomnia (I go to bed at say...3am, sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up until about 6am) and I usually go to bed very, very late and wake up early. Unlike most (?) people here who go to bed at say, 3, and wake up at mid-day. That's still a normal sleep pattern! If not a functional one :smallamused:
Hooray for Medical Education!

But, back on track; I've learned to 'work with' my insomnia. It's all about being useful. If you're staying up, do something productive - like study. I sleep usually less than four hours a night, every night, and I'm a GPA 6.5 (Distinctions-HighDs/-A+) doing BioMedical Science. I was doing Nursing Science, and doing...Less-well. But that's for totally different reasons.

I've gotten this way because I know about my condition. And in my situation, you can either adapt, or fall off the deep end. And the latter is what most people who don't get sleep do. But, I'm like that. If I can't fix what I have, then I try to make it as positive as I can.

EDIT: That last sentence is good advice for everyone in this thread.

And Mum is usually quite pleased when [random part of the house] is untidy...She wakes up, and it's clean! Hooray!

Neko Toast
2009-06-16, 06:56 PM
Usually, it's a punishment. I feel that I taint the world, and I deserve to suffer for it.
The "war" is the reasonable part of me that says that this won't do anything against the unreasonable part of my brain that rules over it with brute strength.
I live with my parents, home life is fine.
I go to school, not a senior-year.
I'm not old enough to have a job, so no.

The cause of your feelings doesn't seem like it's external at all. Though it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone, sometimes the cause of depression is an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. I would suggest talking to your doctor about what you've been going through. They'll likely send you to a therapist, and they should be able to help you out.

Cheesegear
2009-06-16, 07:31 PM
For Bor - I'll get to you eventually

That a friend would shed tears for me because they're concerned is...well, "nice" isn't the proper word, but it offers a degree of comfort, as it lets me know that someone cares deeply about little old me.

I'll help! :smalltongue:
admirable, amiable, approved, attractive, becoming, charming, commendable, considerate, copacetic, cordial, courteous, decorous, delightful, ducky (?), fair, favorable, fine and dandy, friendly, genial, gentle, good, gracious, helpful, ingratiating, inviting, kind, kindly, lovely, nifty, obliging, okay, peachy, pleasant, pleasurable, polite, prepossessing, seemly, simpatico, superior, swell, unpresumptuous, welcome, well-mannered, winning, winsome.

The bolded ones are my favourites.


What must be understood is that I have a diagnosis of severe recurring depression. Thoughts of suicide are not uncommon. What makes me a success when dealing with this illness is a combination of medication and devoting willpower to not dwell on it. To move on to other thoughts or to find a distraction from those dreadful ideas is an accomplishment unto itself.

And this is one of the reasons why I read everything you write (even if I don't comment on your blog). Because, even though my circumstances aren't the same as yours, a lot of the feelings you write about (and your attempt to conquer them) mirror my own.


My success with this community has been my level of honesty. I rarely hold back anything, and posts like yesterday's entry on my blog are part of that. "I hate my life...almost every aspect of it. Yet I am still here, fighting the good fight, and one of my methods of continuing my private battles is to speak up in order to help draw some of the mental poison out." It is apparently terrifying to my friends when I make such posts, and yet the fact that I make them is actually a good sign. It means the problems are still up for discussion, and I'm still seeking solutions and/or help. Ironically, the bad sign would be when I stop complaining; that's when genuine concern should come into play.

Again. It's one of the reasons I read what you write. It was only last week that I told my friends the very same bolded statement. I am not going to tell my friends what I'm up to if and when I try to...'Off myself'. Since they'll only try to stop me. When I write my blog (which isn't for this place for reasons you'll see below) I ask my friends if they could please read it. It worries them, I know. But, I've had problems for a long, long time, and they've been my friends for almost as long. They know that talking 'in person' is a very difficult thing for me to do, and that 'cyberspace' is the only place I can do it.
My psychiatrist believes that this is unhealthy. What does he know? Well, roughly the same as what I already know :smallamused:

I got very upset when my previous girlfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't open up to her. Because I couldn't. Not with my voice anyway.
...And, I'm aware of the hypocrisy when I tell people in this thread to get offline and talk with real people. I guess my consolation to that, is that my blog is written for my friends who know me and who I will see the next day.


So when Bor is creating a "whine festival," it's a good thing.

I think I speak for most (if not all) of us when I say; Yes. We <3 Bor.

I look forward to the next Whine Tasting in the Bor Valley in the upcoming weeks.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-17, 10:13 AM
Cheesegear, I actually took a degree of comfort from your post. While it's impossble to know how I feel, it's nice to know that someone understands to their own extent how I feel. Thank you.

Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll
2009-06-17, 10:29 AM
Man, every time I read this, I just wanna give everyone big hugs.
I'm a very huggy type of guy.

Anyways, I used to be pretty depressed sometimes. Sorta suicidal, except not. I considered killing myself, but decided it wasn't worth the effort. I decided my life wasn't worth acknowledging in any way shape or form. I don't think I ate anything that day either.

The most annoying thing about when I do get depressed, is that I know that there are people out there who do love me and stuff, but I still feel like ****e. And that makes me more depressed, for some reason.

I don't really know why I'm typing this down, because I haven't had a wave of depression for months, but I think that I might as well write about it now, if any time.

Oh, and Gem? Moar Hugs. It may not be much help, but I think your story really touched me.

Cheesegear
2009-06-17, 07:53 PM
Cheesegear, I actually took a degree of comfort from your post. While it's impossble to know how I feel, it's nice to know that someone understands to their own extent how I feel. Thank you.

You mean...Like 'empathise'? I like words. :smallwink:

Anuan
2009-06-17, 09:50 PM
Cheesegear; Lovable Thesaurus ItP.

Gem: I OFFER YOU VAST AMOUNTS OF HUGS AND AFFECTION. Also my MSN or Yahoo address so we can chat. *points to his profile*

My own problems; School is crushing me. I'm not built for this. I was going to drop out a few months ago, as the only reason I came here was for my girlfriend of the time. I repeated eleventh grade because I moved interstate, so if I hadn't come down here, I'd be finished by now. I'm so close to finishing now. But I only repeated and did all this so I could stay here with my now-ex. I don't really have a reason now. Like I said, I was going to drop, but Felix and my parents convinced me to stay. So, I did, and everything was going okay, I suppose...

But now, my depression's welled up and I take no joy in any of my schoolwork, even my English, which always made me happy. Now it just makes me feel worse, and I've been close to suicide once or twice...or thrice...
I'm going...sorta crazy. I'm tired all the time. I havn't slept well in about two months. I get angry even more easily, and I just want to sleep and hit people but I'm too depressed and lethargic to do...anything. Oh, and my computer's broken, so I'm online a lot less than I'd like to be.

Hyozo
2009-06-17, 09:51 PM
I get disproportionally upset when things don't go my way. This used to be a major problem, but I've learned how to deal with it. If I can just stay away from the problem entirely, I do so. If somebody is doing something which upsets me, I can ask them to stop. If there is no visible way around a problem, I can usually grin and bear it until either one comes up or the issue stops being an issue and vent later. I would consider myself a success, were it not for the problem of my sister.

My sister has the same problem as I do, but she hasn't mastered not letting it control her. When things don't go her way she can easily get violently angry. Unfortunately, some of of the things which set her off are when I seem to be actively avoiding her, or when I ask her to stop doing something which she likes.

I'm assuming you can spot the result of these two personalities living under the same roof. Sadly any effort to get her to consider not doing things which she should know by now that I don't like is also likely to set her off, So I'm thinking I need to find some other way I can handle these situations which won't end up setting me off on an angry rant instead.

Cheesegear
2009-06-18, 12:10 AM
Cheesegear; Lovable Thesaurus ItP.

:smallamused: Although I'm pretty sure Serpentine had that covered long before I did.


My own problems; School is crushing me.

Yeah. It does that.


I don't really have a reason now. Like I said, I was going to drop, but Felix and my parents convinced me to stay. So, I did, and everything was going okay, I suppose...

But now, my depression's welled up and I take no joy in any of my schoolwork, even my English, which always made me happy. Now it just makes me feel worse, and I've been close to suicide once or twice...

My only problem with this, is what do you plan to do if/when you leave/finish school? If the answer is 'nothing', then don't quit school. Nothing makes anyone more depressed that sitting at home all day (as many people in this thread can testify).


I'm going...sorta crazy. I'm tired all the time. I havn't slept well in about two months. I get angry even more easily, and I just want to sleep and hit people but I'm too depressed and lethargic to do...anything.

Have you spoken to a doctor? I don't mean a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I mean 'some guy in a clinic'. Usually you can tell them that sort of thing, and they'll rapidly prescribe something to help you sleep, they might proved anti-stress and/or anti-anxiety medications. They'll ask about the underlying cause, or course; But, it's not seriously their job to deal in psychology, and they'll refer you to someone else.
The good thing is, if counseling isn't for you, is that you can take the prescription and get your meds, and then throw the referral into the bin (although I don't recommend it).

Also, there are plenty of cheap anti-stress/anxiety 'vitamins' available over the counter, but, it's not guaranteed that they'll work. I vastly approve of the more-expensive drugs that have been proven in clinical trials. Although I don't take any of them myself, since the 'Big 2' (in Australia, at least) came up Aces in giving me the side-effects that they could bring. So, I make do.


Oh, and my computer's broken, so I'm online a lot less than I'd like to be.

That's a good thing. And if I said why I'd only be repeating myself. :smallwink:

Anuan
2009-06-18, 01:51 AM
When school's over I'll be moving to Melbourne, getting a basic job and concentrating on writing, too. I'll be taking up Capoeira, too, for fun and fitness :smalltongue: As for my 'living' there's the whole writing thing, and I'll be getting a certificate IV or Degree in Sports Coaching from the Acadamy of Wing Chun and opening up my own martial arts school.
Also, I love you more than Serp. In a platonic way, o'course

commander43
2009-06-19, 12:17 AM
Well, this'd be my first time posting in this thread, and I don't imagine any of you know me. But I suppose this is besides the point. Be ready for a possible wall of text, won't know till I write it.


I technically graduated high school today. While my actual proper graduation is not for a few days I did the last bit of school work I had to do and turned it in. Everyone I've talked to has asked me how it feels, if I feel accomplished, etc, etc.

As you may have guessed, I feel no accomplishment for this. I, like many on this forum, am smart enough that I didn't need to work in high school. With pretty much no effort on my part I got by with a 3.2 or so average even though I was taking fairly difficult classes in a school system that actually does its best to challenge the kids. I get better scores on essays that I write in the hour before class starts then the people who spent lots of time on the essay and did multiple drafts.

This just makes me feel like a horrible person. It bothers me a lot and makes me feel worthless when I can do better without trying than someone who is trying, paradoxical as this might seem. All in all, high school went pretty well for me, in strictly academic terms. For the last two years of high school I instead attended a nearby community college and got my high school credits that way, I got into a decent University, although Berkeley wouldn't take me, and I'm going in September. Anyone would say that I should be happy because I'm going to have a fun time in college, meet interesting people, all that good stuff.

I'm an only child of undivorced parents, we're rich(people want me to say upper middle class, but we're rich), I have a decent number of friends, I have an idea of what I want to do with my life, no matter how far fetched its actual achievement might be, my parents are loving and always want the best for me and encourage me to go the farthest I can in life and do what I want.

So I wonder why I feel horrible all the time and hardly have a positive thought on some days.

I just feel as though somehow my entire high school experience has been a lie, that for all the time I put into it I have nothing, material or immaterial, to show for it. I haven't grown up. I haven't learned anything. I have nothing to show for it.

This pretty much all stems from a combination of arrogance and feelings of worthlessness(if that makes any sense, which it doesn't). I tend to consider myself better than everybody else, and this of course makes me feel horrible, because my generation is just that meta. And because I think I'm better than everyone else and also think that I'm worthless, where does that put other people's opinions? That's right, I can't put stock in them. Even when my friends say that I'm a good guitar player, a good song-writer, a good friend, a nice person, whatever, I can't believe them because I think I'm better than them.

The problem with being analytical is that I know I'm not better than them, I know that most of them are in fact much more admirable and beautiful and kind people than I am. And I know that if I told them about my problems they would sympathize, but I also know that I'm too proud to ever do that. So even though I have everything around me that I need to be happy, I can't do it. Because I'm too arrogant and childish and high and mighty to ask for help when I sincerely need it. And I wouldn't want to inconvenience people even though I know that they wouldn't mind the inconvenience when it's my problems that we're talking about.

Case in point; I feel bad even posting this up here, because there are people on here who's problems are much more significant and meaningful than my nuclear family upper middle class suburban white boy faux-angst. And while the rules say that I will be hit with a goat for saying that my problems aren't important, well, they just aren't. So hit me with a goat.

I don't know where to go from here....there's still plenty left to tell about why I'm horribly depressed, but I imagine if you need something clarified you can just ask.

V'icternus
2009-06-19, 12:59 AM
Well, this'd be my first time posting in this thread, and I don't imagine any of you know me. But I suppose this is besides the point. Be ready for a possible wall of text, won't know till I write it.


I technically graduated high school today. While my actual proper graduation is not for a few days I did the last bit of school work I had to do and turned it in. Everyone I've talked to has asked me how it feels, if I feel accomplished, etc, etc.

As you may have guessed, I feel no accomplishment for this. I, like many on this forum, am smart enough that I didn't need to work in high school. With pretty much no effort on my part I got by with a 3.2 or so average even though I was taking fairly difficult classes in a school system that actually does its best to challenge the kids. I get better scores on essays that I write in the hour before class starts then the people who spent lots of time on the essay and did multiple drafts.

This just makes me feel like a horrible person. It bothers me a lot and makes me feel worthless when I can do better without trying than someone who is trying, paradoxical as this might seem. All in all, high school went pretty well for me, in strictly academic terms. For the last two years of high school I instead attended a nearby community college and got my high school credits that way, I got into a decent University, although Berkeley wouldn't take me, and I'm going in September. Anyone would say that I should be happy because I'm going to have a fun time in college, meet interesting people, all that good stuff.

I'm an only child of undivorced parents, we're rich(people want me to say upper middle class, but we're rich), I have a decent number of friends, I have an idea of what I want to do with my life, no matter how far fetched its actual achievement might be, my parents are loving and always want the best for me and encourage me to go the farthest I can in life and do what I want.

So I wonder why I feel horrible all the time and hardly have a positive thought on some days.

I just feel as though somehow my entire high school experience has been a lie, that for all the time I put into it I have nothing, material or immaterial, to show for it. I haven't grown up. I haven't learned anything. I have nothing to show for it.

This pretty much all stems from a combination of arrogance and feelings of worthlessness(if that makes any sense, which it doesn't). I tend to consider myself better than everybody else, and this of course makes me feel horrible, because my generation is just that meta. And because I think I'm better than everyone else and also think that I'm worthless, where does that put other people's opinions? That's right, I can't put stock in them. Even when my friends say that I'm a good guitar player, a good song-writer, a good friend, a nice person, whatever, I can't believe them because I think I'm better than them.

The problem with being analytical is that I know I'm not better than them, I know that most of them are in fact much more admirable and beautiful and kind people than I am. And I know that if I told them about my problems they would sympathize, but I also know that I'm too proud to ever do that. So even though I have everything around me that I need to be happy, I can't do it. Because I'm too arrogant and childish and high and mighty to ask for help when I sincerely need it. And I wouldn't want to inconvenience people even though I know that they wouldn't mind the inconvenience when it's my problems that we're talking about.

Case in point; I feel bad even posting this up here, because there are people on here who's problems are much more significant and meaningful than my nuclear family upper middle class suburban white boy faux-angst. And while the rules say that I will be hit with a goat for saying that my problems aren't important, well, they just aren't. So hit me with a goat.

I don't know where to go from here....there's still plenty left to tell about why I'm horribly depressed, but I imagine if you need something clarified you can just ask.


*Slaps you with a goat*

There, now that the formalities are out of the way...

Try to put your skills to use to help people, even if it's only slowly and one step at a time. It may/should make you feel better, and help you with how you're feeling.

Also, remember: If you're better at something than someone, that does not mean you should feel bad. Everyone's better at something than a lot of other people. Just accept that it's part of who you are, and that you are better/smarter than them.

Speaking from experience, I know how this can cause you to feel worse than people, because you feel better. Just try and not feel that. Remember that it's just a fact.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-19, 02:39 AM
commander43:If ever there was someone who need A Talk with George (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpZJ84lm4zk), it's you. (The lyrics are off to the right, under "more info.") You might also want to watch The Last Lecture (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo&feature=PlayList&p=55B425DEFE3287E6&index=0) for a touch of inspiration. Trust me, they pertain to you.

Okay...So high school didn't leave you with a feeling of accomplishment. No surprise there. Schooling up until graduation is an attempt to give you as much of a taste of everything as possible in the hopes you'll latch onto one thing and focus on that when you head off to college. (It's why the average person has no idea what to major in when they head off to college.) School, in general, is also training for the real world. "Here is your 'work schedule.' Here are your assignments. And if you don't follow instructions, there will be a penalty." It's employment without the earned income.

Yes, being blessed with an outstanding intellect can also be a curse. The problem is that you're sitting around, waiting for someone to challenge your mind, when the person who can do it is in your nearest mirror. What are you curious about? What haven't you done that you would like to try? It's up to you to find the challenges that you want to take on.

As others can acknowledge, I usually have a "Bor Story" for everything. Lo and behold, I have one for you.

In my 20's, I wrote a novel entitled The Summer of Magic. It seems that I'm forever perfecting it, sometimes rewriting the entire plot. Characters have come and go, but it was always an epic tale that my friends enjoyed reading. The most frequent comment I received was, "Y'know, this would make a great movie."

Well, that was nice...but I had no idea how to write a screenplay. Had I tried to tackle it the way I was writing novels and short stories, I would have typed up a disaster. So I started making trips to the library and to book stores. I eventually found three books that nailed down what I needed to know: How NOT to Write a Screenplay, Adventures in the Screentrade, and How to Sell Your Screenplay. The first details the dos and don'ts of writing a screenplay. The second is stories about dealing with various entities in showbusiness from the screenwriter's perspective. The last covers sales style and certain legalities.

The thing is that I challenged myself to learn how to write a screenplay, and I was able to do it after quite a bit of studying on my own. Stop sitting around, waiting for someone put your brain to work; that's your job.

I'd probably have more to say, but I find myself fading out now. I'm going to try and do that sleep" thing. I'll just wait for Cheesegear to pick up where I left off. :smallwink:

Cheesegear
2009-06-19, 10:26 PM
I'll just wait for Cheesegear to pick up where I left off. :smallwink:

Coming from you Bor, I feel enormously pleased with myself at this present time. Having Bor the Awesome say "Listen to Cheesegear. He knows what he's talking about." means... A lot.


But I suppose this is besides the point. Be ready for a possible wall of text, won't know till I write it.

Your post has line breaks and an easy-to-read paragraph structure. And is therefore not a 'wall' at all.


I just feel as though somehow my entire high school experience has been a lie, that for all the time I put into it I have nothing, material or immaterial, to show for it. I haven't grown up. I haven't learned anything. I have nothing to show for it.

What!? Are you drunk!? Just by reading this; I can see you have a firm grasp on spelling, grammar and syntax. Do you know where you learned (I refuse to say 'learnt') that? Yeah. School. I'm also going to assume that that 'decent amount of friends' you have also originate from school. I'm also going to assume that what you want to do in college (although I can't seem to find what that is) you originally learned about in school? You also got into college by going to school. You gained Knowledge. Knowledge is power, don'cha know? :smallwink:

You should have a High School certificate at some point in the next few weeks which is something physical. Sure, it's only paper; But, it means a lot to employers.
A High School certificate is one of those things that's only important if you don't have one, because you can't get far without it.

EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT! Just because you don't feel like something isn't important, doesn't mean it isn't. Us humans are quite rational at times. But, our complex brains also give us the ability to be irrational, and, just because we believe/feel something, doesn't make it true.

Just about everything you ever do in life, can often be attributed to 'I learned this in school'. I learned how to read and write in school. As time progressed, I understood more complex words, I learned how to use a dictionary, I then went on to learn how to use a Thesaurus. I learned how electricity works (yay science!). I learned how to touch-type in Typing class. I learned spatial reasoning, I learned complex problem solving.

I read an instruction manual on how to build a computer, I read how to connect my modem. I built my computer from scratch. Some bits wouldn't fit how I wanted them to, Spatial reasoning taught me to move stuff. I learned how to play D&D, I found GiantitP, I came onto the forum.

...All thanks to school.

Think of it this way; Primary/High School is like a Base Class. Sure, you can live all your life without ever going to college (go all the way to level 20 on base classes). But, it's nowhere near as fun/interesting/rewarding as going to college (taking a few levels in a PrC). But, remember; You can't get to PrCs without taking Base Classes first. :smallwink:


And because I think I'm better than everyone else and also think that I'm worthless, where does that put other people's opinions?

That makes exactly zero sense to me. I can see why you'd think you're better than everyone else. But, that's entirely the wrong attitude to have. As you'll quickly find out in college. The attitude you should have, is "How can I help everyone be as good as me?" When you get to college, ask people how they're doing on the subjects that you're doing. If they say "X is so hard." that's the part where you offer to help them, instead of saying that you find it easy.

a) You get a ton more friends that way.
b) I don't know if it applies to you, but most of my friends are girls, and, since I'm doing a Science course, and (usually), girls aren't that great at science. Well, if you're into that sort of thing, play that out to it's conclusion.


That's right, I can't put stock in them. Even when my friends say that I'm a good guitar player, a good song-writer, a good friend, a nice person, whatever, I can't believe them because I think I'm better than them.

So...Someone you think is 'less good' than you, says that you're good. And you don't believe them? I fail to see the logic in that. OF COURSE SOMEONE LESS-GOOD THAN YOU WILL SAY YOU'RE GOOD!

Secondly, I despise the sentence "I'm better than everyone else." And people who say it make me...Angry. That, sub-textually, says that you put value (not currency, but an arbitrary value) on human lives. That somehow you're more important than they are. And that's just asinine (Words are awesome!) and reeks of arrogance.


The problem with being analytical is that I know I'm not better than them, I know that most of them are in fact much more admirable and beautiful and kind people than I am. And I know that if I told them about my problems they would sympathize, but I also know that I'm too proud to ever do that.

Me too! I have a Napolean Complex (which has been misdiagnosed a few times as both Inferiority Complex and Superiority). I can't ever let my friends see how truly messed up I am, because I need to project an Aura of Awesomicity. That's why I have my blog (which has been referenced on this thread a few times). I can explain, logically and concisely how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling this way and sort through it.

People will never see me huddling in the corner, sitting in the dark staring at the ceiling. They'll never hear me talking to myself, trying to sort out the questions/problems in my life. But, all my friends know that I have insomnia. What people think after reading something, is vastly different to what they think after watching someone cry for an hour.

The glorious part of the internet is, if I say something wrong, that's what Edit/Backspace/Delete is for. There's no Backspace in real life, and once you say something you can't un-say something.
Like when you're talking to a psychologist and you say "My Dad did this..."
The psychologist leans forward like a rabid dog. "Let's talk about that." When you know that that event was totally minor and had nothing to do with anything at all.


Case in point; I feel bad even posting this up here, because there are people on here who's problems are much more significant and meaningful than my nuclear family upper middle class suburban white boy faux-angst.

The good part is, that you know you're being illogical and irrational (unless you don't know what 'faux' means). I think what's extra-helpful, is that there appears to be no underlying cause of why you feel depressed. You just do.

So, now, I have to recommend a healthy diet, exercise and fresh air. Since if there's no cause, it means the chemicals in your brain aren't working right. A few months of activity - of anything. Of achieving something (like Bor's project) will make you feel better. Or a dose of medication. Your depression appears to be acute, rather than chronic. So, getting better is uo to you. Not your surroundings.

(Although, even people suffering acute depression have been known to commit suicide.)

I believe 'asinine' also gets past the mods?

Lappy9000
2009-06-20, 12:50 AM
Well, Commander, first allow me to say that graduating High School is indeed quite an accomplishment. Heck, you even got a start on your collegic career, showing much more work ethic than many people out there can be bothered to muster. Showing up honestly is half the battle; something that you'll likely discover after a few semesters of college (seriously, don't skip class). I've known several people of nigh super-genius intellect who thought their time was better spent playing World of Warcraft. Don't do that. However, with all this being said, it seems to me like you could use to humble yourself a bit.

Let's look at it this way, you need to appreciate the talents of yourself and of others. Be thankful in what you're good at, don't take your normal human superpowers for granted, and be sure to acknowledge the abilities of others. It is also crucial to realize your weaknesses, but see them as things you need to improve, instead of failings.


For example: I recently insulted a Japanese Pop band in a convention elevator due to a poorly thought out joke about Swine Flu (many of the Japanese guests at this convention would be quarantined for 10 days after returning to Japan).

Negative Thoughts: Lappy9000 is a moron and insensitive.
Improvement: Think before you speak, Don't make insensitive jokes.

Focus on the latter more than the former. See the bad as a chance to better yourself so that you can help others to do the same. I always feel pretty humbled whenever I remember this. It's like when you put your hand on a hot stovetop; you're sure as the Nine Hells not to do that again.

Don't let the bad keep you down, because, honestly? You're going to screw up. You're probably going to screw up really badly. It's okay to screw up, because we've all done it. You're not alone in this. That being said, you shouldn't forget that there are others to talk to. Don't be against, or above, talking to them; other people can provide unique perspectives and opinions that an individual could never come up with on their own.

You shall be in my prayers as I prepare my spell list for the morning. I've got a Bless spell with you're name on it.

Tequila Sunrise
2009-06-20, 09:00 AM
Dear DTIV,

I just got back from a three month stay in South Korea (that's the friendly one), working as a teacher. Turns out I'm not a great teacher because I just don't care about over-privileged angsty brats. That's not why I'm depressed though. I had to come back to my mother's home in the States because 1) my Korean boss turned spiteful on me and 2) it turns out Korean doctors just don't know how to treat my cystic fibrosis (a chronic genetic disorder). I'm depressed because I'm back in the same ol' catch 22: I need a job but 1) I can't accept a part-time because it doesn't provide the insurance I need to treat my disorder and 2) I can't seem to get hired for a full-time because the economy sucks (thank you no-government-oversight policies :smallmad:) and 'all' I have going for me is a BA in English Lit. No work experience of note (because I can't accept part-time), and my interview smile is getting worse and worse as I get more depressed. So I'm stuck living with my mother and sister, whom I love but hate living with, on SSI because it's the only way I can get medicaid to treat my disorder.

Bleh.

Lady Tialait
2009-06-20, 09:20 AM
Today is just one of the those blah days. When I feel this way I usally go out for a quick jog around the block and feel better...

But, it's pouring rain....I hates the hobbiteses rain.

Gem Flower
2009-06-20, 05:44 PM
If anyone has read my previous two posts about my depression issues, I have a little update; I had a fantastic confidence booster today, and I'm in this fantastic euphoric state. Unfortunately, my mom noticed the cuts on my arm and got pretty mad. She expects me to tell her about this stuff, but all she does when I do tell her is scare me!:smallfrown:

Cheesegear
2009-06-20, 05:56 PM
She expects me to tell her about this stuff, but all she does when I do tell her is scare me!:smallfrown:

How so? Does she yell at you? Or try and put you through all these programs? Or do nothing? :smalleek:

Also, you haven't told us why you're cutting. Because I can't find the reason. My PM box is open if you want to discuss it. And I don't usually open my PM box to this thread. Be prepared for 'cutting' to make no sense to me, because self-harm is an irrational behaviour, and I don't see the benefit in it at all.
(Which is the reason why I want to know why you do it)

Gem Flower
2009-06-20, 06:02 PM
Cheesegear: She doesn't yell, but she speaks angrily and quietly. She keeps suggesting that I go to the hospital, which terrifies me. I'll PM you with why I cut.

Lolzords
2009-06-20, 06:03 PM
After a long bout of depression, my life is finally looking up. (I posted my stuff in Depression Thread 3) I've finished my exams and they wern't too stressful, in the end. I've got ten weeks to myself now, due to the hols and I've started talking to an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in 5 years and has now blossomed into a very pretty young woman. Things are looking up, and it's nice for once.

I guess this is a message for the lot of you in this thread, sometimes stuff does get better. Thanks to Graymayre, I really appreciate that I had someone to talk to when there was no one IRL.

arguskos
2009-06-20, 07:13 PM
After a long bout of depression, my life is finally looking up. (I posted my stuff in Depression Thread 3) I've finished my exams and they wern't too stressful, in the end. I've got ten weeks to myself now, due to the hols and I've started talking to an old friend of mine who I haven't seen in 5 years and has now blossomed into a very pretty young woman. Things are looking up, and it's nice for once.

I guess this is a message for the lot of you in this thread, sometimes stuff does get better. Thanks to Graymayre, I really appreciate that I had someone to talk to when there was no one IRL.
It's good to hear you're feeling better. I was actually reading over DT3 today and came across your post. Good to see things are looking up.

On that note, where IS Graymayre? I haven't seen him around much recently. I wonder if he's alright... :smallfrown:

Anuan
2009-06-20, 08:13 PM
I'm wondering the same about bluewind D:

Yarram
2009-06-20, 08:23 PM
I tend to pop in here from time to time to vent. This is another one of those times.

My life has become more stressful now that I'm home. Most of it seems to revolve around my father. For a very long time now (we're talking years), the most conversation I've ever gotten out of him is him lecturing me on this and that. "Keep your grades up" was the big one during high school. "College is important" popped up every now and then. Dunno why, because I actually looked forward to college, partly as an escape.

These days, it's "Get a job" and "Why aren't you going to church at school". The job one is worse. He hates that I'm being choosy. I admit, you really can't be too choosy in today's job market, but I want to have a job that I will enjoy to some extent. Working full time is unnecessary at the moment (he acts like I'm paying off my loans now, when this won't happen until I'm done with school. Saving is a good idea, and I plan to. But even if I work a full-time job, saving money after using it for other expenses won't amount to enough to pay off a couple years of school), and tends to drain me mentally. 20 hours a week seems fine to me, but to him I should be working close to 40. Work work work. It's all he really seems to care about.

The biggest reason why I don't want to work full time at this moment is because I don't want to end up like him in the future. He's always so concerned about work, and when I look at him, he never seems happy. I... don't want to be like that when I'm an adult. I want to enjoy life, not just worry about it all the time.

Another problem I have with him is that he never really seems concerned about me personally. Based on what he's said to me most of my life, he seems to care more about my success than me. Just take this past week for example. I've been ill since Saturday (if you haven't seen the tread asking for medical advice on the forums). Based on his actions, attitude, and what he's said, his response was "Suck it up". On Monday night, I woke up at 2 AM with abdominal pain and stomach upset so bad that I couldn't even sleep. That morning, due to the symptoms and the lack of sleep, I could barely get around the house. I called in to my work and left a message saying I was sick, and set up an appointment with my doctor. My dad was suspecting that I would do this, so he called that morning around the time that I would be at work. At that time, no one would be home, so I would give it away by answering it. I did the adult thing and picked up the phone. The very first words that came out of his mouth were "Why aren't you at work".

They say that parents nag and push you for success out of love, but I'm starting to have my doubts. In my opinion, he's driving me to be successful because I might possibly be the only one who will be. My brother has been struggling with grades, is rude to a lot of people (including my parents), and is generally a spoiled brat. One time, my mom and I were talking (don't remember what) and she finished one sentence with "if your brother goes to college." I inquired her about it, and she said that she had doubts whether or not my brother would be accepted anywhere. It's like they now consider him a lost cause, and now every ounce of responsibility is on me. I know it comes with being the eldest, but this seems overboard.

I dunno... I've been wanting to seek therapy for a while now, but my dad would probably get angry about that somehow too, saying that "I don't need it" or something. Even if he did let me go, he would want the "give it a name and a medication" treatment. I'll have to do it in secret if I want it at all.

*sigh* Though I had problems with college, it wasn't as bad as this. I miss it.

I thank anyone who took the time to read that. It's always nice when someone sits down and actually listens to someone else.


Your dad... Sounds exactly like my mum. Lol.

Bad-luck. I know how you feel.:smallsmile:

Neko Toast
2009-06-21, 11:07 PM
... I'm back again. I can't sleep right now, because I just feel... sad right now. It could possibly be hormonal, because it's that time of the month for me, but I'm not sure.

The one guy that I like more than a friend right now I can never ask out because it could potentially ruin the two closest friendships I have right now. I'm slowly becoming more and more distant from my family. I've been wanting to talk to a therapist but don't have the means to currently without my parents finding out. All these things keep running through my head right now. My constant tear flow has prevented me from falling asleep.

All I want to do is to go to my friends house and just let all of this out, with him comforting me, but I don't want to impose on him or burden him with something like this.

And gorram it, I need a Kleenex box in my room.

fetfet
2009-06-21, 11:11 PM
Hey. First time poster in this thread. And with a pretty short depression.

I feel like people don't care enough about me to treat me with respect. Like people who don't want to visit me don't actually say it - ever - and they just make up horrible excuses to get out of it at the last minute. It feels as if people just don't consider me important enough to be told the truth. It's making me completely paranoid. And I don't think I can discuss it with anyone I know, because I feel like I'll get bull**** answers.

Is this just me thinking to highly of myself, or is there something I might be doing wrong?

Rutskarn
2009-06-22, 12:38 AM
thelizard: I'm pretty sure everyone thinks that at some point or another. People define themselves very much by how other people value them--with rare exceptions. While many people can accept someone not liking them, the thought of nobody liking them will fill just about anyone with anxiety.

It preoccupies us.

Honestly, if worst comes to worst, just share these feelings with somebody. Somebody you consider to be honest--who you think would tell you if there was a problem, like that you weren't fitting in with their circle of friends. If they do, you can act on that advice. If they don't, maybe you can rest a little easier.

Alright, let me just unload this here. Maybe I'll feel a little better.

I'm not actually a depressed person, for the most part. I really don't have any problems with self-esteem or self-worth, and usually feel pretty comfortable with myself.

But there's an issue that causes me a lot of grief, on occasion. It's that I can't stand it when other people have the wrong impression of me.

If someone has all the facts, and knows me well, and thinks that I'm a world-class jackhole, I couldn't care less. Illegitimi non Carborundum. But if someone takes away a strong negative--even a positive--impression of me on false pretenses, it fills me with anxiety and gut-wrenching preoccupation. It gets to where the other things in life--my blog, my...uh...my blog--are hard to concentrate on. I bend over backwards to correct the person, which is usually interpreted as me "taking it way too seriously, dude."

Once, someone thought (quite incorrectly) that I was insulting them, and sent a half-hurt half-angry response by comment. Not only did I post a responding comment profusely apologizing for the mistake, I sent them an e-mail to make sure they saw the comment. Thing is, I could barely even sleep that night, preoccupied as I was.

I'm in that zone tonight. I have a post left unwritten--I don't think I can do it justice tonight--and an hour or two to destress myself so I'm in decent shape tomorrow. And this is after I've corrected one of the people involved.

So. Yeah.

Neko Toast
2009-06-22, 12:48 AM
Okay... I think I've calmed down from before. Maybe it was partially hormonal. Still, it really would be nice just to have one of my friends to talk to right now.

@Rutskarn: Unfortunately, there are a lot of people out there who will judge you solely based on your first impression. There's not much you can do except to hope that, through time, they will realize that they've misjudged you, or accept that they don't like you and move on. I realize that it's not always easy to do. Sometimes I struggle with this problem. What I usually do is say to myself, "Who cares what that bloke thinks. None of my friends think I'm like this, so who cares what they say." Seems to help me, at least.

Lappy9000
2009-06-22, 01:21 AM
... I'm back again. I can't sleep right now, because I just feel... sad right now. It could possibly be hormonal, because it's that time of the month for me, but I'm not sure.

The one guy that I like more than a friend right now I can never ask out because it could potentially ruin the two closest friendships I have right now. I'm slowly becoming more and more distant from my family. I've been wanting to talk to a therapist but don't have the means to currently without my parents finding out. All these things keep running through my head right now. My constant tear flow has prevented me from falling asleep.

All I want to do is to go to my friends house and just let all of this out, with him comforting me, but I don't want to impose on him or burden him with something like this.

And gorram it, I need a Kleenex box in my room.With the exception of the hormones, I can closely relate with your problem.

Why do you feel it could ruin your friendship? If he has mutual feelings, there's nothing to worry about. If he doesn't, you also shouldn't have anything to worry about 'cause you probably weren't that compatible and avoided a massive fall-out.

Another thing; you should open up to friends and family. Don't worry about burdening your friends, I have bro-chats and girl chats ('cause, apparently, I fufill the social role of gay best friend :smallsigh:) with all of my friends who are open enough to talk to. That's simply what friends do.

Likewise, if you genuinely feel the need for therapy, you should get your parents involved. I can't tell you how much help my parents would have been if I hadn't kept stuff from them. Would have saved myself a lot of headaches, I would :smallconfused:

And, yes, get that tissue box. I find that my Wall-E tissue box and Disney Princess tissues compliment my dwelling nicely :smallbiggrin:

Neko Toast
2009-06-22, 10:13 AM
With the exception of the hormones, I can closely relate with your problem.

Why do you feel it could ruin your friendship? If he has mutual feelings, there's nothing to worry about. If he doesn't, you also shouldn't have anything to worry about 'cause you probably weren't that compatible and avoided a massive fall-out.

Another thing; you should open up to friends and family. Don't worry about burdening your friends, I have bro-chats and girl chats ('cause, apparently, I fufill the social role of gay best friend :smallsigh:) with all of my friends who are open enough to talk to. That's simply what friends do.

Likewise, if you genuinely feel the need for therapy, you should get your parents involved. I can't tell you how much help my parents would have been if I hadn't kept stuff from them. Would have saved myself a lot of headaches, I would :smallconfused:

And, yes, get that tissue box. I find that my Wall-E tissue box and Disney Princess tissues compliment my dwelling nicely :smallbiggrin:

I don't believe you've seen my venting about my father post on the previous page. I dislike my father. This is partly where my distancing is coming from.

Again, the dating the friend thing does have more explanation to it. That is somewhere in the Relationships thread.

Serpentine
2009-06-22, 10:38 AM
If someone has all the facts, and knows me well, and thinks that I'm a world-class jackhole, I couldn't care less. Illegitimi non Carborundum. But if someone takes away a strong negative--even a positive--impression of me on false pretenses, it fills me with anxiety and gut-wrenching preoccupation. It gets to where the other things in life--my blog, my...uh...my blog--are hard to concentrate on. I bend over backwards to correct the person, which is usually interpreted as me "taking it way too seriously, dude."

Once, someone thought (quite incorrectly) that I was insulting them, and sent a half-hurt half-angry response by comment. Not only did I post a responding comment profusely apologizing for the mistake, I sent them an e-mail to make sure they saw the comment. Thing is, I could barely even sleep that night, preoccupied as I was.I recently literally cried because someone was mean to me on the internet. I was sure that they simply misunderstood something I said, but utterly rebuffed any attempt on my part to explain myself. They even said that I should "grow a thicker skin" if him not liking me bothered me so much. I had to make a concious effort to shrug that off, but it still gets me down to think about it. If we simply disagreed completely on something, fair enough. If we're irreconcilable, that's that. But so far as I can tell, we basically agree, but he still doesn't like me ("I'm not your friend", in fact - all I said was "I don't know why you're suddenly acting so virulently towards me, so far as I know we don't have any negative history"), simply because I'm not very... that word I can't think of, which proves my point :smalltongue: articulate, and unwisely spoke too much on a topic I knew too little about.
Sooo... Yeah. Basically, I know what you mean. If you ever come up with a solution, let me know.

Wait... Oh crap, where's Bluewind? :smalleek: :smallfrown: :smallsigh:

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-22, 12:34 PM
Dear DTIV,

I just got back from a three month stay in South Korea (that's the friendly one), working as a teacher. Turns out I'm not a great teacher because I just don't care about over-privileged angsty brats. That's not why I'm depressed though. I had to come back to my mother's home in the States because 1) my Korean boss turned spiteful on me and 2) it turns out Korean doctors just don't know how to treat my cystic fibrosis (a chronic genetic disorder). I'm depressed because I'm back in the same ol' catch 22: I need a job but 1) I can't accept a part-time because it doesn't provide the insurance I need to treat my disorder and 2) I can't seem to get hired for a full-time because the economy sucks (thank you no-government-oversight policies :smallmad:) and 'all' I have going for me is a BA in English Lit. No work experience of note (because I can't accept part-time), and my interview smile is getting worse and worse as I get more depressed. So I'm stuck living with my mother and sister, whom I love but hate living with, on SSI because it's the only way I can get medicaid to treat my disorder.

Bleh.
TS:No one seemed to notice your post, and I've been looking in on "my" thread, but refrained from leaving many responses because I'm having some serious issues of my own.

I'm a little stunned that you're not on Social Security Disability. I'm almost sure CF is on their list of instant clearance for benefits. With SSD comes Medicare, which, while I don't consider it the best of insurance policies, should at least get you the treatments you need.

You have a benefit over me in that you have a place to stay where you don't have to handle every last financial detail. With a roof over your head, you can file for SSD, probably get it, receive your medical treatments, and then continue your job hunt. Yes, you can look for work while on SSD. It need not be a permanent situation.

Here's the deal...SSD will start sending you a check, which should also include back pay once you're approved. You should also receive Medicare, which will cover 80% of your medical needs. You may have to look into State programs to help with the other 20% to avoid out-of-pocket costs. (I have a story about that second part, but I'll talk about that in a bit.) Once you're all set, and getting the medical attention that you require, you can look into what Social Security calls "The Ticket to Work Program." This allows you to get back into the work force without penalty to your SSD benefits at the start. After nine months, employment will start reducing your benefit checks. Employers are encouraged to hire the handicapped by way of a check sent to them from the government, which may well make it a bit easier to find a job.

You can go here (http://www.socialsecurity.gov/), or call Social Security at 1-800-772-1213.

Okay...My story about the Ticket to Work Program is a bit of a pain. You see, I rely on SSD and benefits from Arizona. I make so little from SSD that AZ pays for my Medicare, as well as providing a secondary medical insurance.

I personally HATE living beneath poverty, and decided a couple of years ago to try and get back into the work force. And I found the perfect job for me! I would work at home with a starting salary of $9.00/hour, and that was part-time! This was GREAT! I mean, I could go to training for a week, the company would come in and set up the software I needed on my computer, and then I would take in-bound sales calls. On my worst days, I sit at my computer almost all day long. Why not make some money while doing so? The way I saw it, I could start part-time, and if I found I could do more, I'd go full-time.

My first step was to contact Social Security and find out how working would affect my benefits. I was told about the Ticket to Work Program. From my understanding, whether or not the company I would work for took it, I could still give it a try for nine months without penalty. (The woman on the phone actually told me, "You could earn $10,000,000.00 a month without penalty.")

So far, so good.

My next step was to visit DES; that's the Department of Economic Security. (Actually, it should be the Department of Economic INsecurity, but that would be a personal point of view.) I sat down with a case manager (CM) and asked how employment would affect my State benefits. Our conversation went like this:

Me: How much am I allowed to earn before my benefits are cut?
CM: A hundred and twenty dollars.
Me: A week?!? That's great! Because I found this job that -
CM: No, no, no...A month...before taxes.

I was so looking forward to working 10 to 20 hours a week, thereby completely altering my lifestyle. Instead, I discovered that the paid training, all by itself, would cut me off from the benefits received from AZ. (And there was no way they'd let me train one day a month for five months until I was ready, and then work only 13 hours a month thereafter.) That would mean the 20% NOT covered by Medicare would have to start coming out of my pocket. Looking at my list of medications and all of the doctors I need to see to manage my diabetes, I realized I would likely pay out more than I earned. Thus, dreams of working and increasing my monthly income died with just a few words.

This is why I urge you to be cautious when relying on State benefits. Those who rely on Medicare alone often have to pay a literal high price, so you will either need State benefits or the addition of private insurance.

This is the best that I can do by way of a suggestion.

As an added little note, I can't tell you what a joy it is hear from someone with CF that is so...well...old. I lost a dear friend of mine around 25 years ago to CF. She was 15. Medical advances seem to have altered the lifestyle of those with this pancreatic illness, and I think it's miraculous that you call it "chronic" and not "terminal." :smallsmile:

Gem Flower
2009-06-22, 02:44 PM
Just a little update for anyone who might care:
For the past three days, I have been really, really happy. I feel much better about myself and I'm generally content. I went from two or three depressions a day to none. I really, really, want it to stay this way.:smallsmile:

Neko Toast
2009-06-22, 02:46 PM
Just a little update for anyone who might care:
For the past three days, I have been really, really happy. I feel much better about myself and I'm generally content. I went from two or three depressions a day to none. I really, really, want it to stay this way.:smallsmile:

Nice to hear that you're doing great. :smallsmile:

Dallas-Dakota
2009-06-22, 02:48 PM
Just a little update for anyone who might care:
For the past three days, I have been really, really happy. I feel much better about myself and I'm generally content. I went from two or three depressions a day to none. I really, really, want it to stay this way.:smallsmile:
Thats good to hear.:smallsmile:

arguskos
2009-06-22, 03:30 PM
Just a little update for anyone who might care:
For the past three days, I have been really, really happy. I feel much better about myself and I'm generally content. I went from two or three depressions a day to none. I really, really, want it to stay this way.:smallsmile:
Good to hear Gem. :smallsmile: Stay that way, or we might have to give you hugs again. :smallwink:

Anuan
2009-06-22, 05:44 PM
Just a little update for anyone who might care:
For the past three days, I have been really, really happy. I feel much better about myself and I'm generally content. I went from two or three depressions a day to none. I really, really, want it to stay this way.:smallsmile:

Hurrah! :smallbiggrin: *hands out lemonade*

MountainKing
2009-06-23, 01:33 AM
I haven't dared to show my face about these parts in quite a while; mostly a self perception thing, nothing against you folks. Unnerving as it might sound, I do skim about, and you're all (pretty much, from what I can tell) wonderful people... so, I thought, maybe this once, I'd see if somebody would be able to, at the least, relate.

For reasons that would make this more related to the "Relationship Woes" thread (which, I won't go into), tonight I found myself kind of... emotionally spiraling out of control. It hasn't been anything serious feeling, and I don't anticipate it doing so, but... who can say?

Over the course of the evening, I've listened to a pair of songs by, of all crazy seeming things, Motorhead (yes, the iconic speed metal band). Thus far, though, they're the only two emotional, heartfelt, and meaningful songs that Motorhead has ever released. For reference, the songs are "I Ain't No Nice Guy" and "One More F***ing Time"; they don't *sound* like what I've described, but, if you've got a tolerance for metal or rock, and you don't believe me, pull up YouTube and check them both out.

Those two songs, and the thoughts and feelings they evoke, paired with the aforementioned unmentioned (paradox?) events, have left me realizing rather keenly that... I feel empty. My brain knows that if something is "empty", it has nothing in it, and therefore, weighs less. It knows that "empty" isn't exactly tangible (it's the absence of something; you can't really touch what isn't there). Yet... All I can think about is just how *heavy* "empty" feels. :smallfrown:

Has anyone ever figured out why that is? Why "empty" feels so heavy?

Dallas-Dakota
2009-06-23, 01:40 AM
Because of the longing for something.

arguskos
2009-06-23, 04:41 AM
Has anyone ever figured out why that is? Why "empty" feels so heavy?
*sigh* Because emptiness weighs upon a man as nothing else in the universe does. I speak from experience here. Meh, venting time (spoilered for great justice).

I am depressed. Not really a real reason, I just sorta am. At this point, I figure I've got clinical depression that was never diagnosed. I don't really say anything to anyone, because it's not their damn business, and because most people I call friend or family don't care. My parents sure as hell didn't when I tried to tell them I needed help in high school. Dad pushed me away (like usual) and Mom didn't get it (as usual). So, I've gotten good at dealing with the emptiness and the loneliness.

And here's the thing about those feelings: after awhile, they aren't so bad really. I've found that the feeling of being alone is something that I can deal with. It's like an old familiar enemy, someone you don't really like, but whose presence makes you feel a touch better even though you don't know why. I love being around my two true friends in the world, though one lives 1000 miles away, but at the end of the day, I'm always alone in my head, and that's comforting somehow.

Emptiness though, that one I can't deal with yet. You're right, MountainKing. It's a real question, why empty hurts so bad. I guess it's because one can be used to being lonely, to hurting all the time, to anything really, just so long as there's SOMETHING to feel. But, if you feel nothing? If you are empty inside? It's the worst feeling I can imagine. It's worse than anything at all. I'd rather die than live life that way, and almost have because of it. I've walked myself to the edge of the Abyss and stared into it. I barely walked away last time, and that was through guilt. Since then, I've fought that feeling with anything I can.

Emptiness is something we all must face eventually. How we deal with it defines who we are as human beings. My advice, if you wish it, is this: find something to drive it back with. Use humor, pain, exhaustion, love, anything you can. Don't let it eat at you. If you do, you'll find yourself where I did: at the Abyss, wanting to end it all, and that's not a fate I wish for anyone.
That was... far more philosophical than I wanted. Sorry, it's likely not what you wanted, but I guess it's what I needed to write. Hope no one minds. :smallfrown:

Dogmantra
2009-06-23, 07:27 AM
Wow.
Just... wow.
My confidence has been completely undermined now.
I hang about on t'internet because I can be whoever I want. I can act like my view of a good person, because I don't really like myself in real life. This is doubly good, because not only does it mean that I get accepted, but that I am reassured that the real me is a good person too, since the internet me has basis in real me. It's also quite good because in Real Life (TM) you can't only hang about with people who share the exact same interests, and there are always going to be idiots about. Fora are a bit different, because the idiots get banned.

Except for one.

There is another forum I frequent, and there is one member, who I'm sure (she denies it, apparently) left some time ago. She posts now, purely to tell everyone off, and lament how things used to be so much better. She did her monthly "this isn't appropriate", and I called her out on it. She basically went on to flame me (albeit mildly) and generally make me feel like a terrible person. I actually cried. Someone on the internet has never made me do that before.

This has really shaken my confidence, twofold, actually. One because I feel like a terrible person again, and I don't want that, two, because the internet used to be my safe haven for when I was feeling bad about myself, and now, well, now I can't be sure...

smellie_hippie
2009-06-23, 08:06 AM
Dogmantra: Don't blame yourself for another person's expectations. It's impossible to find a way to satisfy absoluetly everyone, all the time, without sacrificing everything you think might be important.

It sounds like this person has continue to undergo her personal crusade of 'pointing out what's wrong' which is quite a bit less useful than 'this might help make things better'. Don't let one rotten apple (granted she apparently has multiple episodes of being rotten) shake your confidence in the rest of what has been a safe and liberating place to express your thoughts and ideas.

*hugs*

Last_resort_33
2009-06-23, 08:19 AM
Every Forum Ever Always used to be so much better. No forum has ever been the same since such and such left, such and such joined, the software was updated and since X became a mod/stopped being a mod. It was better before and everyone was so much more polite, wittier and more fun and the In Jokes we had back then were funnier than the ones now.

This is always the case and this woman is stupid if she tries to argue that your forum is different.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-23, 05:18 PM
Attempt #4 at posting. Don't open the spoiler if you don't want to know the aweful truth about me.

The depression is winning, folks. This month has proved to be infinitely more stressful than I thought, and I'm increasingly sick and tired of being sick and tired. For all the advice I dispense on these forums, I seem incapable of following any of it. The foundation of my greatest stressor is that which doesn't grow on trees, and I am so thoroughly filled with self-loathing and shame that if find it more and more difficult to face each day. When I go to sleep each night, I find myself praying I won't wake the next morning.

If not for the great disappointment others would experience, it would be over now. And I fear it's only a matter of time before that level of concern dissipates, and I make my final choices. As it is, I am perpetually fighting tears, and the fight against my emotions is physically exhausting me.

Why am I not running for the help that I would tell others to seek? Two reasons immediately come to mind. The first is that I have no one to care for Nike. The other is that a psych ward would do nothing to address my physical pain. They would cease the steady flow of painkillers that I need to move without experiencing agony, and I would likely find myself in the nightmarish grip of withdrawals.

I am being overwhelmed by dread, shame, physical pain, a sense of worthlessness and abandonment by those who SHOULD be caring: my family. In just over two weeks, I will be 43...a 43-year-old burden to those whom I should never have become a burden.

Note: the three posts before this basically said the same things. I just lacked the courage to click "submit reply." Why I did it now, I have no idea.

arguskos
2009-06-23, 06:18 PM
Attempt #4 at posting. Don't open the spoiler if you don't want to know the aweful truth about me.

The depression is winning, folks. This month has proved to be infinitely more stressful than I thought, and I'm increasingly sick and tired of being sick and tired. For all the advice I dispense on these forums, I seem incapable of following any of it. The foundation of my greatest stressor is that which doesn't grow on trees, and I am so thoroughly filled with self-loathing and shame that if find it more and more difficult to face each day. When I go to sleep each night, I find myself praying I won't wake the next morning.

If not for the great disappointment others would experience, it would be over now. And I fear it's only a matter of time before that level of concern dissipates, and I make my final choices. As it is, I am perpetually fighting tears, and the fight against my emotions is physically exhausting me.

Why am I not running for the help that I would tell others to seek? Two reasons immediately come to mind. The first is that I have no one to care for Nike. The other is that a psych ward would do nothing to address my physical pain. They would cease the steady flow of painkillers that I need to move without experiencing agony, and I would likely find myself in the nightmarish grip of withdrawals.

I am being overwhelmed by dread, shame, physical pain, a sense of worthlessness and abandonment by those who SHOULD be caring: my family. In just over two weeks, I will be 43...a 43-year-old burden to those whom I should never have become a burden.

Note: the three posts before this basically said the same things. I just lacked the courage to click "submit reply." Why I did it now, I have no idea.
Bor, I wish I had something deep and important to tell you, you know that. I can't say much though. There's little I can tell you, save that you are never a burden. As a friend, it's my responsibility to be there for you when you need help. That's what being a friend means. Never think you are a burden. You give back to us with your friendship, your advice, and your humor, and that's enough.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-23, 06:43 PM
Okay...as soon as I posted that last...post, I picked up the phone and called my mental health case management. In turn, they sent three people to assess my level of crisis. While all three are extremely concerned, they felt confident that I would make it through tonight, and want me to follow up with another call tomorrow.

They clearly recognize what's causing me this unbearable level of stress. In fact, I basically told them that the way I was reared made money the end all, be all of that which equates to comfort. In that regard, there's nothing they can do. They don't give money to those who don't have any...they just offer a ride to the hospital. But they felt a hospital is not what I need at the moment, so they were on their way.

So the good news is that I did the right thing, in that I made a call for help instead of doing something I couldn't reverse. The bad news is that a lot of nothing seems to be available in the way of help from them.

And Arguskos...Thanks for the kind words. I read them while the crisis team was here, and they were glad that someone out there cares.

Cheesegear
2009-06-23, 09:16 PM
Bor, as I've said multiple times; This thread whole forum wouldn't be the same without you, simply because I second Arguskos' opinions. The fact that you're willing to post your thoughts, mean that you're thinking about it, and, since you're writing it down, and due to the person that I know you are; You've thought about it clearly.

The one thing I do know is this; You're thinking, which, ultimately means that you're not sure. Which is good. Like you've said before; when you are sure is when we should worry - or be happy, if the case warrants.

There's a lot I wish I could say, but, I can't. Since I'm deadly (and I do mean fatally, evidently) sure that there's nothing I can say that isn't something you've heard before. So, I offer you my not-very-helpful support, because that's all I can give. There are only a very select few in this world that are a burden in my life, and you, Sir Bor the Awesome, are not one of them.

Neko Toast
2009-06-24, 01:12 AM
Another post after being unable to sleep at night. My thoughts have been turning towards certain things when I'm trying to sleep these days, and it gets me worked up and upset so that I can't fall asleep until much later in the night. Therefore, I end up waking a lot later in the morning.

Unfortunately, I don't have the option of sleeping in this morning, because I have to babysit at 9:45. So I'll be losing some sleep tonight.

I think it's time that I invest in some sleep aids. Does anyone know of any brands that are available over-the-counter?

Cheesegear
2009-06-24, 02:30 AM
I think it's time that I invest in some sleep aids. Does anyone know of any brands that are available over-the-counter?

I'm very wary of over-the-counter products that actually do things, or at least say they do. I do not suggest that you do this; But there are plenty of Night-Time Cold Medications that can make you drowzy. But, since sleep is important; I've always gone to my doctor for a prescription.
It's safer and that way and I know what I'm getting.

Another (suggested/approved by Cheesegear) option, is to ask the pharmacist. They're almost as good as doctors when it comes to what they're selling and is in their shop. After all, it's their job.

Neko Toast
2009-06-24, 09:07 AM
I'm very wary of over-the-counter products that actually do things, or at least say they do. I do not suggest that you do this; But there are plenty of Night-Time Cold Medications that can make you drowzy. But, since sleep is important; I've always gone to my doctor for a prescription.
It's safer and that way and I know what I'm getting.

Another (suggested/approved by Cheesegear) option, is to ask the pharmacist. They're almost as good as doctors when it comes to what they're selling and is in their shop. After all, it's their job.

Not sure if I want to get a prescription just yet. But asking the pharmacist sounds like a good idea. I actually know one personally, which is an advantage.

Tequila Sunrise
2009-06-24, 12:10 PM
Hey Bor, thanks for the advice. I wish I could send you something more than moral support; I'm not sure whether diabetes or chronic depression sucks more. I was diagnosed with diabetes about five years ago, and I know it's a pain. I'm sorry to hear about your friend; until very recently, CF was usually a death sentence.

Cystic Fibrosis, for anyone who doesn't know, is a genetic disorder that was 99% terminal fifty years ago. Basically, my body cells can't effectively pass salt between them. As a result, all my bodily fluids are thick and viscous. And as every single tube and canal in the human body has some kind of fluid coating, the smaller ones get completely blocked which causes a bunch of problems.

I need daily medication and physical therapy to cough up mucous from my lungs, I swallow 6-12 pills every time I eat a meal that contains fat and/or protein because my pancreas can't get its enzymes to my intestines, I can't drink and will likely need a liver transplant sometime in the future because it's all blocked up. One of the symptoms of CF is very salty sweat. There's a saying from Europe, where the CF gene originates, that goes something like "Sweat on the brow, no more than a month to live." Thanks to modern medicine though, my odds are good for a relatively normal life. If this country's ****ed up healthcare system doesn't get me chronically depressed and cause me to kill myself first.

The only good things about CF are 1) I'm completely immune to cholera [or was it malaria?], should we ever have an epidemic and 2) I can eat whatever I want so long as I take enough pills and insulin, because my doctors are always afraid of me losing weight.

KilltheToy
2009-06-24, 02:10 PM
I really need to get this out:

My 13 year old brother is being a serious pain. He has ODD and ADHD and has medication for the ADHD (Daytrana, if you're curious), but it really doesn't do much. He has a habit of overreacting to the smallest things. He also uses very colorful language and routinely calls me a word starting with "b" meaning "a female canine" or other fun words of that type.

Now that you know all this, let me get into why I'm posting here:

Earlier today (meaning no more than an hour, probably just over half an hour ago), I took his hat and ran with it, in an attempt to get him off the computer so I could go about my daily websites like GITP. I threw it into a particulary neglected corner of the living room, and when he went to get it, he complained there were cobwebs all over it. This, from his point of veiw, ruined the hat forever and made in unsuitable for him to wear. He came over to me and started yelling about how his hat had cobwebs all over it and to make a long story short, things got physical. Not that I really helped there, so it was kinda my fault, but I still didn't see the need for things to go that far. Things came to a head and he took his anger out on the punching bag in the garage (thankfully), followed by messing up his room even more than it already is. Then he came to me and started yelling about how horrible his life was and that took up about 5 minutes, followed by him demanding that we make up and declare peace. I know for a fact that this is at best a temporary peace and won't make it to Friday unless I'm beyond lucky. Then again, this is all me speaking from my point of veiw which is mostly against him.

I really don't think that posting here should drive you to tears, but somehow it has. I'm just glad to get this off my chest.

Pyrian
2009-06-24, 02:11 PM
I'm very wary of over-the-counter products that actually do things, or at least say they do. I do not suggest that you do this; But there are plenty of Night-Time Cold Medications that can make you drowzy.Heh! In some cases, you're getting the exact same drug either way. IIRC it's Sominex and Benadryl that are the same substance packaged for two different treatments.

Neko Toast
2009-06-24, 02:41 PM
I really need to get this out:

My 13 year old brother is being a serious pain. He has ODD and ADHD and has medication for the ADHD (Daytrana, if you're curious), but it really doesn't do much. He has a habit of overreacting to the smallest things. He also uses very colorful language and routinely calls me a word starting with "b" meaning "a female canine" or other fun words of that type.

Now that you know all this, let me get into why I'm posting here:

Earlier today (meaning no more than an hour, probably just over half an hour ago), I took his hat and ran with it, in an attempt to get him off the computer so I could go about my daily websites like GITP. I threw it into a particulary neglected corner of the living room, and when he went to get it, he complained there were cobwebs all over it. This, from his point of veiw, ruined the hat forever and made in unsuitable for him to wear. He came over to me and started yelling about how his hat had cobwebs all over it and to make a long story short, things got physical. Not that I really helped there, so it was kinda my fault, but I still didn't see the need for things to go that far. Things came to a head and he took his anger out on the punching bag in the garage (thankfully), followed by messing up his room even more than it already is. Then he came to me and started yelling about how horrible his life was and that took up about 5 minutes, followed by him demanding that we make up and declare peace. I know for a fact that this is at best a temporary peace and won't make it to Friday unless I'm beyond lucky. Then again, this is all me speaking from my point of veiw which is mostly against him.

I really don't think that posting here should drive you to tears, but somehow it has. I'm just glad to get this off my chest.

First off, I like the play on words in your signature. *took French for 7 years*

To get to the topic at hand, I've dealt with similar situations with my own little brother. He's a bit older than yours (16), but he sounds quite alike. Only difference is that my parents realized that meds = not working, so he doesn't take anything. But yeah, he calls me a b**** as well (which is even worse considering I'm female), and overreacts to the stupidest things. I constantly have to clean up after him because he's a slob, he's a spoiled brat because my parents don't seem to punish him at all, he gets into yelling matches with my father, etc. We're in the same boat.

Not that this will help you in any way, but these are some things that made life more bearable around him:

- I got a laptop (ie my parents bought it) before I went to college. A few months after that, we got a router. Those two things combined means that you never have to share a computer with him again.
-College. You end up seeing him a lot less if you go away for school.

Again, these may not apply to you, but they could in the future. Otherwise, just try to avoid contact and communication with him as best you can. Can't say that he'll grow out of it just yet, because my brother's 16 and still hasn't done so.

MountainKing
2009-06-24, 03:11 PM
Slayer Draco: Have you tried taking melatonin suppliments? They're not the end all be all, but when I tried them, they definitely helped.

Bor: *hug* Though I'm not a frequent face here in Friendly Banter, every time I see that you've posted, I've thought nothing less than that you sir, are in fact a very good man. I don't know you very well, and I won't lie and say that I'm intimately familiar with what you're feeling, but... I want you to know that, I wish you my best. If you happen to use MSN, and need someone to talk to, I've always got a shoulder to lean on. I've yet to figure out how to listen to myself, but listening to others... that, I can do.

Agrus: "And here's the thing about those feelings: after awhile, they aren't so bad really." That sir, is one of the things that worries me the most, I think. The sheer level of familiarity I have with all the negativity in my head almost makes it a comfort, sometimes. Feeling that comfort, though, is disconcerting to me, especially on nights where I've come home from a large social gathering (it's rare, but it does happen)... I step into my empty apartment, and all I can hear is silence. Something I actually noticed last night, whenever I open my door, I actually hold my breath for just a second as I step inside.

Out of everything, I think the silence can be the loudest on some days... but again, it's familiar.

KilltheToy
2009-06-24, 04:28 PM
First off, I like the play on words in your signature. *took French for 7 years*

To get to the topic at hand, I've dealt with similar situations with my own little brother. He's a bit older than yours (16), but he sounds quite alike. Only difference is that my parents realized that meds = not working, so he doesn't take anything. But yeah, he calls me a b**** as well (which is even worse considering I'm female), and overreacts to the stupidest things. I constantly have to clean up after him because he's a slob, he's a spoiled brat because my parents don't seem to punish him at all, he gets into yelling matches with my father, etc. We're in the same boat.

Not that this will help you in any way, but these are some things that made life more bearable around him:

- I got a laptop (ie my parents bought it) before I went to college. A few months after that, we got a router. Those two things combined means that you never have to share a computer with him again.
-College. You end up seeing him a lot less if you go away for school.

Again, these may not apply to you, but they could in the future. Otherwise, just try to avoid contact and communication with him as best you can. Can't say that he'll grow out of it just yet, because my brother's 16 and still hasn't done so.

1. Thanks. Everyone seems to like it. I'm working on how to get the German "Gift" in there, since it's got some potential to be made into a pun.

2. Wow. We really are in the same boat. Edit a few details here and there and you have my little brother. Granted, I'm a slob too, but he's really that much worse about it. Tell me, is your brother amazingly hypocritical?

3. I have a laptop, but most of what I do on it is on the internet (the laptop is a netbook anyways) and we have a broadband connection. (I also have my own desktop computer, but it's a second-hand piece of crap, so I just don't use that thing at all.) I really need to get around to setting up that wireless router :smallsigh:.....

As for collage, trust me, I plan on it.

MountainKing
2009-06-24, 06:21 PM
Self depricating mini-rant. Don't read it if you don't want to hear someone beating themselves up.


A few years ago, my first girlfriend broke up with me, for a handful of reasons that really, didn't make any sense. That didn't matter to me at the time; I broke down over it. Blinded myself with anger and frustration, turned the pain I felt into fuel for my own inner demons, I forced everything about the relationship away from myself. I didn't know I was making a horrible mistake, but I did it anyway. It was the only thing that seemed to make the crushing feeling in my chest lighten up, if not stop altogether. I grabbed a hold of my pain, turned into anger, redirected it, forced it out of myself... after what felt like an eternity, I ran out. All of the feeling burned out of me... so, naturally, I thought I'd give it another go.

Ended up with another girlfriend, we were steady for a few months, and then I met somebody else... a girl at work, in fact. We became friends, started hanging out a lot, but I never thought anything of it. In fact, I was almost dead set on the girlfriend I had... I was sure that nothing would come of my friendship with the girl at work... until I found out she was attracted to me. The knowledge set me on my ear; my girlfriend at the time, lived in New York, more than seven hundred miles away... and here was someone, right in front of me, who wanted to give me the same chance.

Ultimately, what I did next became second in a long line of mistakes. I broke things off with my girlfriend, saying that I couldn't handle the distance, and that I'd met somebody who lived in the same town as I did... the phonecall lasted for an hour, and it was the most painful phone call I've ever made. She was crying... I still cared about her, so I was upset... but I didn't know what I was doing then. Hindsight has little to do with it; I know now exactly (as exactly as one can get, anyway) how emotion works, how love is meant to work... but then, I had no idea the kind of pain I was causing. I should have had an idea, having had my own heart broken (and badly, at that), not even four months prior... but I didn't think about that. I was excited by the prospect of being with someone who not only understood me, and whom I really did like, but whom was also within five minutes drive of my apartment.

That was the big difference. She was *here*... that's what I focused on... and I couldn't have been more stupid about it.

I broke her heart to be with somebody who would break up with me after just over a month. Somebody that I fell for, and fell for hard... so hard that I actually gave her my virginity, even when she had the decency to stop me, and make me think about what I was about to do. I did it anyway. Another stupid mistake... I was blinded by how I felt; surely, I thought, nothing could go wrong.

All of that happened back during the end of '05, beginning of '06. Late in '06, I tried to apologize to the girl who's heart I'd broken. I'd seen that I'd been wrong... but she refused to speak to me. Now, here in '09, I've been talking steadily with my now friend... the woman who'd broken my heart in the first place. We've been friends again since early last year... and today, it came up that she still talks to the other girl.

Are you ready for another stupid mistake? Two nights ago, I poured my heart out to her, telling her that after all of this time, and everything that's happened, I still love her... and I do. I always have... I just couldn't see it, I couldn't tell... Today, it came up that she still talks to the other girl, the one who practically put me back together after the woman I still love had destroyed me... and I asked her if she would tell her that I'm sorry... for everything I did.

The way I handled everything was wrong; I know that. I've been sorry, and wishing I could just tell her that, for years... but... I haven't had much chance to talk things out with my friend, but from what I can tell, she was not happy that I asked her.

All these years, and I've done nothing but destroy everything I try to build. I can't identify what it is in me that makes it happen... all I have is the crystal clear memory of the aftermaths. The mental scenes of destroyed hopes and chances.

All I want to know is this: when will my sincerity finally equal the wrong I've done? When can I stop paying for my mistakes?

I don't know what feedback can be given for this... it's mostly rhetorical, directed at myself... but I have nowhere else to put it...

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-24, 07:12 PM
With my mind running on autopilot the last few days, and with a crisis team keeping in touch with me to make sure I don't do something stupid, I'm obviously having problems being helpful.

With TS's reply and her explanation of CF, I found myself in dire need to write a letter to an old friend. Here it is (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2009/06/dear-sandra.html), for those willing to read it.

smellie_hippie
2009-06-24, 08:55 PM
With my mind running on autopilot the last few days, and with a crisis team keeping in touch with me to make sure I don't do something stupid, I'm obviously having problems being helpful.


You're always being helpful my friend... by taking care of you the best you can. Now just make sure you keep the rest of us posted as to your situation, so we can continue being helpful to you.

Talk to you soon...

Pyrian
2009-06-24, 09:42 PM
All I want to know is this: when will my sincerity finally equal the wrong I've done? When can I stop paying for my mistakes?I'm not sure what you did when you were angry about being dumped, but otherwise most of what you've written I would not regard as being egregiously out of line. It didn't work out to break up with one girl and try out a different one. You can't have known that at the time, and in fact you'll never know if staying would have worked any better, the girl you dumped might have dumped you a few weeks later anyway. You got laid within a committed relationship. If that's wrong I don't want to be right. You asked someone to be an intermediary when you more properly should have either not said anything or said it yourself; kind of immature, but hardly unforgiveable.

So, what's the big deal? You've had some relationships, made some mistakes, had your heart broken, broke someone else's. Good. This is called practice, and you should be better at the whole thing in the future. So, don't obsess about those past, failed relationships and look towards a bright future with an altogether new one.

Matticus
2009-06-25, 12:13 AM
I start, I keep going, I don't stop. I don't want advice; I just want to vent, to put down something of my problems, the ones that bother me right now, and maybe doing that will be helpful enough. It all boils down to me being unable to think things through properly.


Okay. So this is how it is. I'm a student, just turned 16. I don't have many friends; I'm not unintelligent but I'm lazy and apathetic toward my studies; I'm not the most social person around, but I can be. I don't think that's a weakness: Some days I am able to talk to people I don't know, to be funny, to be almost cool, almost acceptable. Usually, not.
I used to blame my sleep (or lack thereof) for this. I'm beginning to realize that's not responsible, that the problem is something else. Something inherently wrong with myself, that means I'm not capable of being the best I can be, every day - even some days. I feel good about myself maybe two or three days a week and not for the whole days, ever. Normally, I just feel...ugly, stupid, weird, like I don't fit. I try, very hard, to not judge other people; to accept and overlook their flaws and see the good points, perhaps, but recently my pool of friends or acquaintances has stagnated. The description for this that I use is the "get a life" kind of thing - I have no life as that insult defines it, and I have extreme difficulty making one or regaining one. So I sit here and I obsess, over nothing, and I know it's nothing, and it shouldn't matter, whatever it is, but it DOES, it DOES matter, but only to me, not to anyone else. I've managed to make myself matter to a few people; just a few, just a few, one off the top of my head, just one for sure, but I think if I were to leave at least three would miss me.
isn't that lovely? Maybe more than three.
The particular issue here, the reason I'm thinking about these things, things I ignore in my happier moments, is a girl. Most of my issues come down to a girl; the girl changes, the situation doesn't. I'm a stupid person who struggles to interact, to make and maintain connections with people, and so I'm unable to satisfy any of the little hormonal urges pushing at my mind all the time.
This girl, in particular, is going. Far away, for a month, right across the holidays, when I wouldn't see her anyway. I see her at school; in one class, when she talks to me because I'm the only person she knows there. I'm her entertainment in one twenty-minute sub-class! The esteem boost of this! /sarcasm
So she talks to me when she's really bored. At least that's how I saw it, until about three weeks ago, when someone else in that little class asks if we're an item. Confusion. They then say they sense sexual tension and a week later ask if I'm still not interested again and repeat they believe she's interested. They're not friends with her much, and wouldn't be privy to a secret, so their intuition isn't really important.
Except I kinda started believing, hoping, thinking, maybe somehow, someone cared. This put me off-balance for about a week or so. I was in pretty bad shape. I think I posted something in the depression thread 3 on that. My mind wasn't working very neatly; I was angry and not calm, I got distracted and went off on a tangent about some stuff that made me pretty angry. This doesn't make me angry, except maybe at myself, because I'm unable to remain in control of my imagination, my dreams, and they overtake me. Then when reality doesn't meet up to what I hoped it might, I get pretty down about it. And when I get down I can't interact with people well...and being antisocial hurts my mind. So that spirals downward, and only getting away from people saves me.
Finally, on Tuesday, I managed to have a conversation (ish) with the girl that I'd been aiming for for a long time, just a kind of conversation I envisioned I could have and run properly, because usually I can't converse properly with people. Any good it did was lost today when I got annoyed at her and she was fairly indifferent to me the rest of the day...so from this I read she isn't really interested in me at all. Sigh. Ah, my teen angst.
So after school today I hang around slightly longer than I would to talk to a good friend of mine, the one who cares lots, but I can't bring myself to explain anything or give any inclination that I feel pointless and worthless in public, particularly with some other acquaintances around. I don't want to cry at school.
They don't log on for another three hours at least, and internet-hugs just don't compare to the real thing.
You might notice or realize or think, I hope at least, that I'm fairly fickle in my words. At this point I don't FEEL anything, other than a slight moistening of the eyes that indicates my problems bring me close to tears right now, but my mind is comparable to a huge square block. It feels like a big cube that doesn't do anything. I'm really hoping that somehow this is going to help me. Aahhhh...What else preys upon my mind? Very little. Very little I can remember; the block stops me from remembering what else bothers me. Now I'm called to dinner, which will wipe from me the ability to type more.

That is all...

smellie_hippie
2009-06-25, 06:25 AM
Matticus. Good venting! I hope it helped a little like you mentioned. If you want to talk about these things, we're here...

I've got a bit of an issue as well. I hate house hunting!:smallfurious: I've been in a rental house with my family, and my wife and I have been looking to purchase our first home. How long have I been looking you ask? Months you say? Sure, okay... we can go with months... about 64 of them!!:smallmad: Yeah, that's right... 64 months (4 years and 4 months who are pre-coffee and unable to do maths).

So almost 4 1/2 years that I have been trying to find a house... and nothing. It's not like we have incredible standards that nothing on the planet would meet. We're also not looking for the "paradise mansion that happens to be selling for fifty bucks"... just a house.:smallsigh:

We've put offers on a house now on five different occasions. Two of those made me very upset when they refused our offer. Now if you think about this... it means I have offered over a hundred thousand dollars on something that I was *meh* about. How ridiculous is that!?!? :smallannoyed:

So the search continues... and we are looking at more of them next week. I hate this... but I hate where I live now as well. I just really hope that I'm not building up the dreamy existence of actually owning a house as making life so much happier. Or settling for just not having to look for one anymore.:smallannoyed:

Thanks for listening playground.

Anuan
2009-06-25, 07:28 AM
Bor: You're absolutely amazing, look after yourself. You've earned the right to focus on helping yourself.

I want to ask if anyone's seen Bluewind recently...

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-06-25, 11:22 AM
I've got a bit of an issue as well. I hate house hunting!:smallfurious: I've been in a rental house with my family, and my wife and I have been looking to purchase our first home. How long have I been looking you ask? Months you say? Sure, okay... we can go with months... about 64 of them!!:smallmad: Yeah, that's right... 64 months (4 years and 4 months who are pre-coffee and unable to do maths).
Ummm...Hippie? Before my pain meds kick in and I agree that 64 months equates to four and a half years, I...well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's five and a half years. Perhaps you need to wait until the coffee is properly digested before doing math.

Anuan: Odd that you should say what you did, because I spoke on the phone with Smellie Hippie last night, and we discussed how those who have such issues as myself need to learn to care for ourselves without feeling "selfish."

The problem is that it's hard. It seems as though ever mentally ill person I've met manages to feel guilty the moment they turn around and say, "I need time for me." It's what stops so many of the psychologicalled distressed from seeking help; we, as a whole, don't want to be a burden to anyone we know.

And that brought us to Bluewind. There have been times when she's gone silent, only to pop up again.

That being said, I have my fears. Many of us tried like mad to keep her from harming herself. Despite my fears, I have hope that the worst she's done is make her attempt, failed, and landed in a hospital. Thus, the reason she's not in touch with us is either that she's gone silent for a while, or she's in a hospital and unable to get in touch with us.

For everyone who tried so hard to keep her with us, I sincerely suggest you pray for the best, but prepare for the worst.

Calmness
2009-06-25, 11:49 AM
bluewind95? Well, I like to think she is happy now, and doesn't actually need us, and that she is just having fun somewhere. But i'm usually wrong, so who knows, really. I just wish her the best.

Serpentine
2009-06-25, 11:51 AM
Um <.< I looked Bluewind up. She's been online this week, talking about games or something. So... Yay!
Been online today (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/member.php?u=25507), posted something a week or two ago. Unless that's a different Bluewind...

togapika
2009-06-25, 01:18 PM
So I guess I should start by saying I'm a 22 year old Communication major in college, and I'm over 6 feet and weigh 130lbs. For starters for those of you that don't know, that makes me skinny, and I don't mean slightly skinny, I mean can somewhat see my ribs through my skin, would have to be put on appetite stimulants if I ever lost any weight skinny.
So I've been spending a fair amount of time with a particular girl recently and am confused as heck. Technically we're not dating, as I have had a lot of women in the past treat me badly, and thus I am very guarded around women. This person doesn't treat me badly at all, in-fact treats me like people should treat each other. Keep in mind that while I said we're not dating, neither she nor I are dating anyone else, nor are we actively looking.

My problem is that for whatever reason I'm not happy.

Now I can mention that one of my roommates thinks she's not attractive enough, and his girlfriend just thinks that she's not good enough for me. The main problem I have to deal with is her occasional mood swings, and her tendency to keep problems bottled up. I know that she is really interested in me, and she has even used the "L" word once or twice, although I don't count either of those times because neither time was when we weren't *ahem*
I mean, I have a job, and a place to live, and am even going back to school next semester when I thought I wasn't going to be able to due to lack of money thanks to my parents paying for things. I may even be getting money from the government due to my father having been in the military until he was rear-ended twice on two successive days, which to a certain extent impacted his memory and mental ability some.
I know there are many people out there who have less than I in terms of food or shelter or clothing, yet for some reason I'm just not happy.

THAC0
2009-06-25, 05:53 PM
When you need to get out of a funk what do you do?

I have a suspicion that I am experiencing situational depression. Normally, I would combat this by running, but I am currently unable to run. I've managed to cut back alcohol consumption and am working on eating more fruits and veggies, but I'm still kinda messed up with not being able to run. :smallconfused:

Pyrian
2009-06-25, 05:58 PM
When you need to get out of a funk what do you do?While I'm not above wallowing for a bit, when I need to actually get out of a funk I focus on accomplishing something worthwhile and get busy.

Lappy9000
2009-06-25, 06:06 PM
So I guess I should start by saying I'm a 22 year old Communication major in college, and I'm over 6 feet and weigh 130lbs. For starters for those of you that don't know, that makes me skinny, and I don't mean slightly skinny, I mean can somewhat see my ribs through my skin, would have to be put on appetite stimulants if I ever lost any weight skinny.
So I've been spending a fair amount of time with a particular girl recently and am confused as heck. Technically we're not dating, as I have had a lot of women in the past treat me badly, and thus I am very guarded around women. This person doesn't treat me badly at all, in-fact treats me like people should treat each other. Keep in mind that while I said we're not dating, neither she nor I are dating anyone else, nor are we actively looking.

My problem is that for whatever reason I'm not happy.

Now I can mention that one of my roommates thinks she's not attractive enough, and his girlfriend just thinks that she's not good enough for me. The main problem I have to deal with is her occasional mood swings, and her tendency to keep problems bottled up. I know that she is really interested in me, and she has even used the "L" word once or twice, although I don't count either of those times because neither time was when we weren't *ahem*
I mean, I have a job, and a place to live, and am even going back to school next semester when I thought I wasn't going to be able to due to lack of money thanks to my parents paying for things. I may even be getting money from the government due to my father having been in the military until he was rear-ended twice on two successive days, which to a certain extent impacted his memory and mental ability some.
I know there are many people out there who have less than I in terms of food or shelter or clothing, yet for some reason I'm just not happy.Well, you seem like you may have the same body proportions as me. Ah'm 6'3" and 132 lbs, of course, mine's partly due to a particularly nasty case of Celiac, but that's neither here nor there (hey, if it's any consolation, at least you can eat bread :smallwink:)

So, why do you think you're unhappy? What seems to be missing in your life? Personally, I rely on friendship, exercise, and most importantly, my daily prayers to my patron deity whenever I'm in a funk.

This girl, do you think you'd mix well? One of my best friends sounds a bit like that, although she isn't my type (I'm extremely laid back to her high-strung). Sorry there isn't a lot more I can say to make ya' feel better, although I'll keep you in my prayers.

THAC0
2009-06-25, 06:11 PM
While I'm not above wallowing for a bit, when I need to actually get out of a funk I focus on accomplishing something worthwhile and get busy.

I think that's my problem... I don't have anything on tap to be accomplishing. The house is relatively clean, I don't have to go back to work for another month and a half, I'm already practicing my horn until my lips refuse to work... Can't cook more cause it's just me and I've got a fridge full of leftovers. Hrmmm.

Lappy9000
2009-06-25, 06:14 PM
I think that's my problem... I don't have anything on tap to be accomplishing. The house is relatively clean, I don't have to go back to work for another month and a half, I'm already practicing my horn until my lips refuse to work... Can't cook more cause it's just me and I've got a fridge full of leftovers. Hrmmm.You into writing? I like to spend my free-time working on my campaign setting and other D&D-related material (it also helps that I DM two games).

THAC0
2009-06-25, 06:20 PM
You into writing? I like to spend my free-time working on my campaign setting and other D&D-related material (it also helps that I DM two games).

Not so much, and honestly my gaming has really fallen by the wayside lately. Partially due to circumstance, and partially... well, I guess that's part of my suspicion that I am, in fact, depressed. Fortunately this should all be resolved come August. Just gotta get to there! :smallbiggrin:

Pyrian
2009-06-25, 06:38 PM
I think that's my problem... I don't have anything on tap to be accomplishing.That can cause symptoms of depression in itself. ...I have some difficulty imagining such a problem, I have more ideas on tap than I could ever complete in a single lifetime. :smallredface: ...Wanna paint a Warhammer 40K army!? Heheh. Without knowing more about your interests and such, I can't really suggest much, but surely you can think of some things if you put your mind to it?

What's happening in August?

THAC0
2009-06-25, 06:53 PM
That can cause symptoms of depression in itself. ...I have some difficulty imagining such a problem, I have more ideas on tap than I could ever complete in a single lifetime. :smallredface: ...Wanna paint a Warhammer 40K army!? Heheh. Without knowing more about your interests and such, I can't really suggest much, but surely you can think of some things if you put your mind to it?

What's happening in August?

August, I start taking a class, work starts again, and I can start preparing for the husband to come home.

I'm taking your advice and trying to get myself focused and working on some curriculum planning. We'll see how it goes!

Volug
2009-06-26, 02:00 AM
Let me get straight to the point down there in the spoiler V
But first, this may not be entirely on depression (though is "depressing" me to some extent), however there is no other place to put this sort of thing.
I've decided to make this short after typing so much needless stuff...

First off, I've been sent to Hawaii for a month. Not for vacation, but for construction/working with my Uncle. That sort of work is quite hard for me as I have never in my life done such things as that, nor worked for so long at one time.

I'm getting home-sick, too home sick... I'm tired of my Uncle, his personality I can no longer put up with. I try my hardest and my best at working, however he comments on my slow-ness with such lines as, "You wouldn't put such low grade effort into this in school work? Why here? Do you need something from me to help you or compel you to work better?". He never yells or gets angry, he's always enthusiastic and speaks as such with cheer even if it's very apparent he's not happy about something. However this sort of thing annoys me, I can't take him seriously like that and it just makes me feel sick...

I know sometimes you have to do things, or be with people you don't like in life... However I just want to find ways to make this trip more live-able for me, no matter how much I try to make my parents proud, make my uncle happy by asking what I can do to help, I can't shake off this now horribly sickening home-sick feeling that came from my un-happy-ness of being here.

V'icternus
2009-06-26, 09:39 AM
Well, I'm back, but this time I'm being depressed by something other than my general day-to-day family/life etc.

Celebrity death...

There are just some people who you never think will actually die, because they are legends. More of an image or a symbol than a person...
And so when these people die, it hits all the harder.

And so, it comes as no shock that when such a death happens, it can shake a person...
So now I'm feeling depressed.

Obviously, this is one of those "time heals" things, but I like venting now that I have a good place to do it.

MountainKing
2009-06-26, 10:05 AM
Pyrian: In essence, I didn't do anything physically. I internalized everything and withdrew from the people I knew. I sort of... sequestered myself emotionally and mentally.

As for why it was bothering me (I'm feeling much better now; I talked it out with my friend, and generally took my mind off things), it just felt like my entire experience with women was nothing but a long train of mistakes. That alone is frustrating enough, but it also felt like I was being punished by someone close to me (again, the friend in question is also the ex-girlfriend who broke my heart in the first place, *and* whom I still love) for trying to make something right.

In the end, the reason she got upset (and she was right to be), was she'd had a bunch of BS drama come crashing down around her the night before, and she didn't want to deal with any more. She didn't want to open a new can of worms, so's to speak, by being the one between myself and the other girl, even if it was because she was trying to help me make something right. Ultimately, I agree with what you said; I'm not going to bring it up again, and just accept that the girl I hurt won't ever speak to me again, despite my intentions.

KataraAltinaII
2009-06-26, 11:00 AM
brace yourselves, ladies...


Let me get straight to the point down there in the spoiler V
But first, this may not be entirely on depression (though is "depressing" me to some extent), however there is no other place to put this sort of thing.
I've decided to make this short after typing so much needless stuff...

First off, I've been sent to Hawaii for a month. Not for vacation, but for construction/working with my Uncle. That sort of work is quite hard for me as I have never in my life done such things as that, nor worked for so long at one time.

I'm getting home-sick, too home sick... I'm tired of my Uncle, his personality I can no longer put up with. I try my hardest and my best at working, however he comments on my slow-ness with such lines as, "You wouldn't put such low grade effort into this in school work? Why here? Do you need something from me to help you or compel you to work better?". He never yells or gets angry, he's always enthusiastic and speaks as such with cheer even if it's very apparent he's not happy about something. However this sort of thing annoys me, I can't take him seriously like that and it just makes me feel sick...

I know sometimes you have to do things, or be with people you don't like in life... However I just want to find ways to make this trip more live-able for me, no matter how much I try to make my parents proud, make my uncle happy by asking what I can do to help, I can't shake off this now horribly sickening home-sick feeling that came from my un-happy-ness of being here.

ultimately, unless you're getting paid for a job, "the best way to get something done is to do it yourself". make sure your uncle is aware of that. [more importantly, it's "the best way to get something done your way is to do it yourself", but I'll save that for later]

as for the homesickness, that set in with me once, even when I was with all my family--we were just working at my grandma's far for a month or two.

ultimately, in my experiences, the best way to overcome homesickness is to find something that will keep you occupied and entertained. I also found that taking naps to kill time is also effective. Or, I just get out and take a walk. Anyone who knows me knows I'll pretty much suggest this for anything, but hey, I've found it effective, and I don't think that I'm unique. [am I? :smalleek: ]

just my thoughts. it might be worthless advice, but I tried.


Well, I'm back, but this time I'm being depressed by something other than my general day-to-day family/life etc.

Celebrity death...

There are just some people who you never think will actually die, because they are legends. More of an image or a symbol than a person...
And so when these people die, it hits all the harder.

And so, it comes as no shock that when such a death happens, it can shake a person...
So now I'm feeling depressed.

Obviously, this is one of those "time heals" things, but I like venting now that I have a good place to do it.

That's why I never put much faith in other people, let alone celebrities. Heck, even when Steve Irwin, The Australian Chuck Norris, died, it didn't shake me that much. Sure, I thought he was an awesome guy [he was, and is. anyone who says otherwise needs to go to an asylum for life]
Now, maybe I'm just a guy without a soul here, but I just can't see myself getting sad knowing that someone I've never even seen or met in real life has died. So, if viewed in a negative light, this could basically be seen as a really, really nice way of saying "buck up, soldier", but that's not really what I'm trying to get across. :smallwink:

ultimately, regardless of what anyone believes, death is just a natural aspect of the universe and everything therein. Always expect that this could be anyone's last day on the earth, and it'll be less distressing to know that anyone died.


Pyrian: In essence, I didn't do anything physically. I internalized everything and withdrew from the people I knew. I sort of... sequestered myself emotionally and mentally.

As for why it was bothering me (I'm feeling much better now; I talked it out with my friend, and generally took my mind off things), it just felt like my entire experience with women was nothing but a long train of mistakes. That alone is frustrating enough, but it also felt like I was being punished by someone close to me (again, the friend in question is also the ex-girlfriend who broke my heart in the first place, *and* whom I still love) for trying to make something right.

In the end, the reason she got upset (and she was right to be), was she'd had a bunch of BS drama come crashing down around her the night before, and she didn't want to deal with any more. She didn't want to open a new can of worms, so's to speak, by being the one between myself and the other girl, even if it was because she was trying to help me make something right. Ultimately, I agree with what you said; I'm not going to bring it up again, and just accept that the girl I hurt won't ever speak to me again, despite my intentions.

this sounds similar to the story of my brother. whilst I won't get into personal details of what he did [for the sake of his privacy] I can probably say the same advice that I said to him [he's my age--we're twins]

the best idea would be just to accept it and move on. Sure, it sounds sort of mean for me to say it, not having been in this type of position myself, but having known someone directly who has gone through similar pains, I've seen what it's done to him, and therefore that was the reason why I advised him to "move on".

I hope that didn't sound as rude as I feel like it does... :smallfrown:

MountainKing
2009-06-26, 11:04 AM
Don't worry mate, you're not being rude at all. :smallbiggrin:

Ultimately, if I've learned anything at all, it's not the moving on part that's actually hard. The hard part is either not looking back, or looking back without focusing on the negative parts. Of the two, it's easier to do the former than the latter... but with the former, if you're not prepared for it to happen, and you can't look back without focusing on the bad parts... then you can get snuck up on.

Hindsight really *is* 20/20; the trick is to make sure you're looking at the right parts of the past.

KataraAltinaII
2009-06-26, 12:30 PM
agred entirely.

it's human nature to emphasize the negative things and overlook the positive. [and Micheal HJackson comes to mind here... though that's off-topic]

best of luck to you either way, mate. :smallsmile:

arguskos
2009-06-30, 02:26 AM
Spoilered so you don't have to read it.

So, today was horrific. Nothing really happened per say, but the weight of everything I'm dealing with just crushed me, to the point that I cried twice, once in the bathroom where no one could hear it (muffled with a towel) and once in bed, after everyone was asleep. Some tough guy I am, right? :smallfrown:

I don't even know why I'm posting this. It's not like I am asking for help. No one could help, since the problem is entirely in my mind (****ing depression can go ****ing die). Why post this, right? I dunno, it helps me rest a touch easier knowing I can vent into the internet.

Tomorrow's a big day, lots to do and get yelled at over by my mother. Yay me.

Matticus
2009-06-30, 02:45 AM
GAH. Thieves. :smallfurious: That's not fair.

iPod and knife stolen. Might be able to get them back; I've got a name, I've asked someone to talk to them about it. More updates later.

The reason I edited: Stupid friends.
A person I shall dub X, who rejected me blah blah, had unprotected sex at Whare Flat (massive pissup/drug taking festival) with her best friend. Fears pregnancy.
If you're afraid of that WHY MAKE STUPID DECISIONS!
I'm sitting here asking myself, "Why the hell do I bother with these people?" That stuff isn't me. Where the hell are the people I should be hanging out with? I can't be completely unique. There has to be someone, somewhere, with a nice, interesting, but sane and intelligent lifestyle I can befriend.

Last_resort_33
2009-06-30, 07:06 AM
I need to play something, do something, think about something, mess with something, read or write something. If not then there can only be a chest wrenching sadness caused by nothing in particular.

You can't do anything, but while I'm writing this then I'm doing something...

Niezck
2009-07-03, 10:00 AM
Feeling really crappy today, and didn't really know where else to put it, so here goes ...


Well, every single time my brother comes home (he lives with his girlfriend right now, but comes back to grab school books and whatnot, as he's a teacher.) he feels the irresistable urge to engage me in atleast a ten-minute rant about how horrendously bad a person I am. Oh, and how I'm a total waste of space, how my life is pathetic, how I do absolutely nothing etc etc etc.

Now, this wouldn't be -so- bad, if he didn't come home atleast once a week. So, every single week I get told this, and every single week I simply blank him. Except now, that isn't enough, because blanking him simply makes him continue for another ten minutes about how I shouldn't blank him, because I know what he's saying is right, and I should listen.

It got to the point a few moments ago (He came back both yesterday, and today, and it turns out he's staying for the night both tonight and tomorrow - what joy this brings me.) where I was at the point of curling up in my bed and crying. I simply can't take this s**t anymore. I actually wouldn't be saddened if he just dropped dead. As usual, I'm not going to actually act on any of this, I never would, too afraid of things actually happening y'see.

Well, that's me I guess. Time to go back and "face the music" as it were, oh this is going to be a fun weekend ...

KataraAltinaII
2009-07-03, 10:42 AM
my advice would be to tell him straight up what's what.

Tell him that you really don't give a crap about whatever it is he has to say, because he's not your dad. Tell him if he wants to tell you what to do, that he needs to become your parents.

Since he's not, he technically does not have any authority over him. Just get up and walk away. I've done it before, and it's effective. [just don't do that to your parents, kay? :smallwink: ]

But yeh, sometimes the most direct approaches are the most effective.

Dogmantra
2009-07-03, 03:59 PM
Tell him that you really don't give a crap about whatever it is he has to say, because he's not your dad.

Even if he was, that's really not the sort of thing to be telling someone. I do agree though, next time he starts to lecture you, tell him to stop. If he doesn't, walk away. If he questions that, explain to him exactly how he's made you feel.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-03, 11:52 PM
Niezck:You have a number of possible ways to handle your brother, and what I'm thinking is that you need to stand up for yourself without being confrontational. Mind you, it would be entirely too easy to devolve into an argument, so the self-control has to rest on your shoulders. The key is to keep your voice down; speak is careful, measured tones, and let him be the one to fly off the handle if it comes to it.

Ask him what bullying you achieves. Does it make him feel better about some deficiency on his part? Does it fulfill a desire for control over someone or something? Is alienating a family member a hobby he's always dreamt of engaging in? What if, in the midst of his obviously perfect life, things go awry and he suddenly needs you? Does he believe you'll come running after all of the abuse he's heaped upon you?

There's a difference between having a talk with someone about the betterment of their lives, and ranting to the point where the person being harrangued is motivated to do nothing at all. You say he's right? Okay, let's assume that I agree. You could be a better person, and be more productive. THAT'S how it should be approached. Not, "You're a horrible person and a waste of space." It should be, "You could be better," followed by, "and here's what I suggest you do." Not DEMAND...SUGGEST!

Do you play Chess? Does he? With the hopes that the answer if "yes" to one or both of you, throw him for a loop and say, "Let's go get some coffee, play a few rounds of Chess, and we can discuss how you think I could improve myself." The game, itself, enforces a degree of logical thinking, and can become a great forum over which to discuss serious matters.

Way back when, a friend and I sat down to a few rounds of Chess. On the debating table was whether or not he should get a PhD along with his MD. It was a HUGE decision for my friend, and he was completely conflicted over whether to invest the extra time, effort, and money into extending his education that much further. He was always very calm and decisive, and the fact that he was saying "I don't know what to do" sent the unspoken message that he was in utter turmoil.

I think we discussed the issue for two hours, and plenty of facts were mentioned. But what it came down to was the fact that he was being challenged. The chance to join the MD PhD program was a mountain he was being dared to climb. "Becoming a doctor like your father, and your brothers before you, would be 'good enough.' But if you don't even try to achieve the MD PhD, you will spend the rest of your life wondering if you could have pulled it off. It'll be the fact that you didn't even try that will haunt you, and that's why I'm suggesting you go for it."

Well over a year ago, he complained to me that the PhD wasn't worth it. Employers don't care if he has it or not; it doesn't make any difference in his salary. The truth is, he'd be smashing his head against the wall if he hadn't tried to get it. And he used to get a kick out of my calling him "a doctor of doctors."

Okay...a little sidetracked there...but the point is that life-changing, serious conversations can occur over a game of Chess. As I said, the game enforces a mode of thinking that is logical. Even though I relied upon the emotional part of him to make my point, it was arrived at logically, and wasn't a heated debate in any way.

If all else fails, during the game of Chess, simply swipe his king from the board and proclaim loudly so all within earshot can hear, "I will keep your king hostage until you decide to have a reasonable discussion of terms for his release!" :smallwink:

Me:June, the month of pure hell, is over, and with its end comes the realization that I've been adding an extra year to my life. I will not be 43 on the 9th...I'll be 42. Almost an entire year has gone by with me believing I was older than I actually am. And no one seemed to catch it. A common dialogue at almost every doctor I've seen this year.

Nurse: When's your birthday?
Me: July 9, 1967.
Nurse: And that makes you...how old?
Me: 42.
Nurse: Okay.

And she would jot down "42" on my medical records.

A recent chat with my step-mom had me insisting I'd be 43 this month. She was blaming her thinking I'd be 42 on her age and forgetfulness. No...It was me, actually having forgotten how many years I've gone around the sun. I haven't decided if I should be concerned about this error on my part or not.

Right now, my greatest worry is what I'm going to do with Nike if/when I move to NC. I have no one who can take her in. My brother's wife seems opposed to having a cat in the house...a declawed, fixed cat. I'm also not sure how I'm supposed to travel with her.

Years ago, when my ex Robin moved from NY to AZ, her two cats were sedated for the plane ride. I was there when a vet made a house call and sedated both cats. I can't actually afford to have a vet come by, and I'm wondering if the shot is something I can give...provided I can find a vet willing to hand over such meds to me so I can give Nike a sub-q shot...that is, I hope it's a sub-q shot. (Ooh! Maybe a vet can give me a tranquilzer gun! Then again, that's probably not smart. I'd probably go around shooting my neighbors.)

At least I had the presence of mind to buy packing tape while I was out today. Now all I need are boxes to start dividing up/packing my stuff.

*sigh*

What I need is Barbara Eden (http://abinitioadinfinitum.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/jeannie.jpg) to stop by, fold her arms and blink, and everything would just be taken care of. Of course, I sometimes believe we should ALL have a hot blonde/blond in our homes that calls us "master" or "mistress." :smallwink:

DarthArminius
2009-07-03, 11:59 PM
Anyone feel like Aiming me (City of Mutants maybe? :) ) Or talking in PM?

Cheesegear
2009-07-04, 06:54 PM
Anyone feel like Aiming me (City of Mutants maybe? :) ) Or talking in PM?

I'd say my PM box is open. If you want to drop something by. But, without knowing whatever problems you're having, I don't actually know how helpful I could or would be. So I'm hesitant on taking on an 'unknown problem'.

How 'bout you just send one to me. And I'll see what I can say - or write, as is the case. If I'm entirely unhelpful, at least you've written your problems out and can now Copy-PasteFu to anyone who can help.

EDIT: I see that post was made more than a few hours ago. Mayhaps someone's already PMd you. In which case...Nevermind. Or, if they were unhelpful (or unresponsive :smallfrown:) you could try me.

arguskos
2009-07-04, 07:00 PM
Spoilered so you don't have to read it. :smallredface:
Feeling... depressed today. Nothing really triggered it, but I feel very alone right now (mostly because I haven't seen a human being since Thursday). The sad bit? I'm getting USED to being alone. That's... not right. I shouldn't be used to not having anyone to talk with, hug, or anything really. The internet is an alright aid I guess, but not much. There's something about face-to-face communication that's helpful and wonderful.

Bah, I'm just ranting and raving about stupid crap again. Ignore me.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-04, 08:41 PM
Cheesegear, Armin was looking for me to log onto AIM so he could chat with me, but I didn't see his message until hours later. CityOfMutants = me on AIM. (Actually AOL, but I rarely log onto the web with it, as once AOL starts, it takes shutting down my computer to completely turn it off. It also tries to run about a dozen of its own programs, which slows my system down something fierce.)

Oh...and could someone slap arguskos with a goat, please. I'm too tired. :smalltongue:

Those of us with various mental illnesses would probably love it if people would just call or drop by, but it sometimes happens that other humans have lives of their own. Thus, it's up to us to seek them out for company. Pick up the phone and call someone. Grab a Chess set and head for a cafe, set the board up, and then sit back and read a book. Someone is liable to come along eventually and offer up a game. (That last has been followed by other GitP members, and have met with success in having total strangers come along with whom to comminucate.)

Yes, it would be nice if people would just fall into our laps...ummm...or something akin to that, without it sounding dirty...but often, we need to go find humans to be around.

arguskos
2009-07-04, 08:48 PM
Just said I was lonely today. Wasn't asking for sympathy, you know that Bor. Wanted to vent, so I did. :smalltongue: Besides, I did call someone. Was nice to talk to someone, actually.

Also, please, not the face. I'm allergic to being hit in the face. :smalltongue:

Cheesegear
2009-07-04, 09:22 PM
Cheesegear, Armin was looking for me to log onto AIM so he could chat with me, but I didn't see his message until hours later. CityOfMutants = me on AIM.

That actually makes a lot more sense. I thought City of Mutants (Expansion to CoH/V?) was some sort of game I was missing out on. Imagine my surprise when Google told me squat. :smallamused:

Xallace
2009-07-04, 10:12 PM
I actually feel really bad for skipping the majority of this thread to make my own post. I'm sorry, everyone above me! My PM box is always open for you if you need it!

Anyway...

I don't know where to begin. I think there should be a flow to the story, but I'm more prone to jumping around.

OK, I guess we should start with something that has always seemed to affect me. I don't keep friends long. It's almost never a big fight or a falling out, it just seems like there's a lot more drift with me than anyone else around. Ever since I was still aged in the single digits, I was sorta the "go to" guy for people without cliques. Then when they found cliques, I was filtered out of their lives. It hurt, a lot, but I let it happen since, well, these people I had been friends with were happy.

Now I just started college, and it's been a while since I was the "go-to" guy. Which was nice, y'know? I had a group of friends that stuck together, stuck by me even through my worst (a separate story altogether, and one I've stopped dwelling on finally). But now... my best friend left for college two years ago, my other best friend left a week ago.

I have my girlfriend, I have friends who are still around. I love them, I appreciate them. But there's just something about having someone who you could honestly say was among your best friends- not good. but best- leaving that just hits me all over again.

Anyway.

Heh, I keep writing and deleting and writing and deleting... There's so much I want to say but I don't want to say it here, y'know? I want to tell the people I'm having problems with that I'm having problems with them. But it's late, and the problems are old. I'd have to wait until morning at least.

Hm. OK, here's a weird one.

I'm told I'm a pretty good guy. No, no that's wrong. You know what my friends have called me? A saint. A hero. Superman. Those are direct quotes. I'm told... I'm told a lot of things about myself, most- if not all- of them good. I'm put up on some kind of pedestal.

And I don't deserve any of it.

I'm a coward, history has proven this. I've never done a heroic thing in my life. I have terrible trouble relating to people, I'm not strong, I'm not gifted in anyway- I don't have any outstanding talents! I'm self-centered, lazy, got no self-esteem... I'm not even good looking! But WAIT, there's MORE!

I want to be my friends' hero. I want to be the strong one, who'll never let them fall, who'll always be the rock and shield and the sword if necessary. I want to be what it is that my friends think I am but I'm not and it terrifies and depresses me that I'm letting them down with every second of my life!

AND I FEEL SO FREAKING SELF-CENTERED FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.


.....I just, I don't know. I don't. You know one of the reasons I like it here? No expectations. I post here and there, put up a homebrew, crack a joke. Nobody goes, "Aw yeah, that Xallace guy! Best guy ever I bet he'll be president someday!" I mean, I like to think I'm a semi-respected face around here, certainly not a big-league, it's just...

I don't know. I'm tired. Good on you if you read through all that without thinking less of me. Go grab yourself a sandwich.

Raewyn
2009-07-04, 10:42 PM
Omigosh, poor Nike. :smallfrown:

Also, poor Bor, but I just started fostering my third cat, so I sort of have kittehs on the brain. *many much hugs for Bor and also Nike*

I'm not in the mood for venting - though I really should be. I've been without therapy for a few months now and while the Boyfriend is all well and good for a shoulder to lean on, it's not really the same thing. Hopefully, I get to see someone on Wednesday and get a few things off my chest
*hugs everyone in the thread*

DarthArminius
2009-07-04, 11:26 PM
I love you Rob. . . Rob has been nice to me for quite a whiel

reorith
2009-07-05, 12:23 AM
i've been watching my neighbors house since they moved in almost six years ago. for the first time since then, all the lights in their house are out at the same time. there is power in the rest of the neighborhood and their security system is still active. i don't know if i should tell someone, not care, or call them. they went to the shore for the weekend, but even then they usually leave the light on in the master bedroom's bathroom and the study :smallfrown: i'm sort of creeped out by this, but i'm sure they'd be creeped out if the found out i'd been keeping logs of when and how frequently they left certain rooms at night. it just seems so alien to look out my window and see the house unilluminated.

Meirnon
2009-07-05, 01:35 AM
****EDIT****
Forget I said anything... I should have deleted my post earlier. I was tired and I realize now I came off as self-glorified, as I usually do when I don't consider my speech.

Dogmantra
2009-07-05, 06:45 AM
Anyway...
<snipped>
Hm. OK, here's a weird one.

I'm told I'm a pretty good guy. No, no that's wrong. You know what my friends have called me? A saint. A hero. Superman. Those are direct quotes. I'm told... I'm told a lot of things about myself, most- if not all- of them good. I'm put up on some kind of pedestal.

And I don't deserve any of it.

I'm a coward, history has proven this. I've never done a heroic thing in my life. I have terrible trouble relating to people, I'm not strong, I'm not gifted in anyway- I don't have any outstanding talents! I'm self-centered, lazy, got no self-esteem... I'm not even good looking! But WAIT, there's MORE!

I want to be my friends' hero. I want to be the strong one, who'll never let them fall, who'll always be the rock and shield and the sword if necessary. I want to be what it is that my friends think I am but I'm not and it terrifies and depresses me that I'm letting them down with every second of my life!

AND I FEEL SO FREAKING SELF-CENTERED FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.


.....I just, I don't know. I don't. You know one of the reasons I like it here? No expectations. I post here and there, put up a homebrew, crack a joke. Nobody goes, "Aw yeah, that Xallace guy! Best guy ever I bet he'll be president someday!" I mean, I like to think I'm a semi-respected face around here, certainly not a big-league, it's just...

I don't know. I'm tired. Good on you if you read through all that without thinking less of me. Go grab yourself a sandwich.

Having low self esteem myself, I completely sympathise. It can feel like when people are telling you that you're great that they're actually pushing expectations on you. This article (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8132857.stm) is quite interesting, and almost completely on this subject. Apparently, people with low self esteem who tell themselves, or are told that they are great often feel worse than if they're not. You have to really try hard to take things as compliments, as opposed to expectations. I find it tough myself, which is why I do things like keep my exam results at school secret, in case I feel I haven't reached people's level of expectation, when really, they were just congratulating me on getting good marks last time.

Though what's apparent from the entire thing is that you are not a bad person at all. You are definitely deserving of the praise that you're getting. Why?

I want to be my friends' hero. is why.
You're trying and that's what matters the most. People would rather be friends with someone who tries to be a good person than someone who's completely perfect. To paraphrase a quote that I've only heard second-hand: "Sometimes when you do something right, people don't realise you've done anything at all".


I don't have any outstanding talents!
You're likable, regardless of your flaws, that much is apparent from your post. That's one of the most important talents you can have. Much more useful than being good at running, or drawing.

And my sandwich was delicious, thanks :smallwink:

Xallace
2009-07-05, 08:55 AM
This article (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8132857.stm)

...is quite interesting indeed. Hm. Alrighty, confidence building. I can work with that. You know, now that I think about it there are a bunch of martial arts programs in my community that claim to build confidence. Perhaps I ought to start there.


And my sandwich was delicious, thanks :smallwink:

Wonderful! Mutual benefits achieved!

And Dogmantra: thanks. I was in a sour mood last night... a nice long sleep definitely helped, but waking up to find your post was awesome.

loopy
2009-07-05, 11:27 PM
Okay... Don't really want to alarm anyone particularly, but what do you do when that one situation happens that drives you over the edge and starts making you seriously consider methods of suicide?

Cos thats happening, and I feel like throwing up and crying.

loopy
2009-07-05, 11:31 PM
Hm. OK, here's a weird one.

I'm told I'm a pretty good guy. No, no that's wrong. You know what my friends have called me? A saint. A hero. Superman. Those are direct quotes. I'm told... I'm told a lot of things about myself, most- if not all- of them good. I'm put up on some kind of pedestal.

And I don't deserve any of it.

I'm a coward, history has proven this. I've never done a heroic thing in my life. I have terrible trouble relating to people, I'm not strong, I'm not gifted in anyway- I don't have any outstanding talents! I'm self-centered, lazy, got no self-esteem... I'm not even good looking! But WAIT, there's MORE!

I want to be my friends' hero. I want to be the strong one, who'll never let them fall, who'll always be the rock and shield and the sword if necessary. I want to be what it is that my friends think I am but I'm not and it terrifies and depresses me that I'm letting them down with every second of my life!

AND I FEEL SO FREAKING SELF-CENTERED FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.


.....I just, I don't know. I don't. You know one of the reasons I like it here? No expectations. I post here and there, put up a homebrew, crack a joke.

Also... thats me. I just haven't been able to say that in this thread yet. Xallace, its a horrible feeling sometimes, but I definitely know what its like.

dish
2009-07-06, 12:56 AM
Okay... Don't really want to alarm anyone particularly, but what do you do when that one situation happens that drives you over the edge and starts making you seriously consider methods of suicide?

Cos thats happening, and I feel like throwing up and crying.

You go to befrienders.org (http://www.befrienders.org/), find the hotline for your particular country, and talk to them. They listen to people in distress and provide support - not judgement or anything - just the support needed. They'll take it seriously. They won't disregard anything. They won't force anything. They'll just listen.

If you don't want to talk to a stranger, you can talk to a friend or relative, but I think it is often much easier to talk to a stranger who is outside of your particular situation and who has been trained to help and to know what to do.

Whatever you do, you should talk to someone. Don't keep it all inside your head.

raitalin
2009-07-06, 03:36 AM
Alright, I figure this is a good place to air it all without judgment, or at least judgment that I give a crap about.


I had problems with depression and focusing in the past, this was basically solved when I started smoking pot and discovered the works of Kurt Vonnegut my sophomore (10th grade) year in HS. I'm intellectually gifted (IQ 130+, an extraordinary ability to absorb information, etc.) and have an uncanny sense of patterns in human behavior (I'm a historian and political scientist, but I could just as easily be a psychologist or sociologist).

Seriously, I want to emphasize that pot has never been anything but a positive influence in my life. It helps me focus and relax, but doesn't drain my motivation or energy levels (which are, admittedly, already quite low). Judging by its effects on some of my friends, I am very much the exception to the rule.

I've always had problems with self-starting, largely hampered by my existential, cynical philosophy that everything I do is essentially inconsequential. At the same time this view comforts me, as I don't feel like my actions (or lack thereof) are the end of the world.

Last year, however, I went on probation for theft (incredibly stupid, long story) and had to stop smoking pot. At the same time I transferred my work location and was stuck with the most mind-numbing tasks I've ever done professionally. I've got ~ 6,000 in debt I can't deal with. I smoked and screwed up my early release from probation, my girlfriend of 2 years left me in January and my cat of 20 years died in February. Loneliness hit me hard for the first 2-3 months, but seems to have subsided now. I'm got friends that I still see and an old female friend from HS that I've always had a very close relationship with that gives me someone I feel comfortable showing weakness to.

Unfortunately I always feel like people have enough problems of their own without listening to mine, so I keep a lot of stuff bottled up. For instance I started talking to my Ex again, and she's having stress seizures (She has a long history of mental issues, she's diagnosed borderline personality disorder) so I don't feel like I can be honest with her about how betrayed and hurt I felt when she left with a lot of false promises. I can't tell my family about why its so difficult financially with me because I don't want them to know I'm on probation. I can't talk to my friends completely candidly, because, well...I'm a guy.

What's really tearing my up now is my inability to create. I've always been able to write poetry/prose/D&D stuff but recently I can't focus on anything long enough to make progress. When I do manage to create something I'm so exhausted afterwards i immediate feel the need to sleep. My court-ordered psychologist (I talked the judge out of substance abuse and into psychological counseling) wants me to accomplish something creative by the time I see her again in 2 weeks and all I've managed is a map of a campaign world I'm dreaming up, and that exhausted me. To top it off I got in a car accident this weekend and have to figure out what I'm going to do about transportation until that gets sorted out.

I suppose things are looking up for me. My PO says he'll recommend taking me off of probation at my next court date. I've got an appointment with a psychologist to get me on some sort of meds in late August. I got my license unsuspended recently so I'm able to look for more lucrative work. Its the waiting that's killing me now. Its just that I've spent so long being unproductive that its becoming unbearable.


Yeah...so I don't know what I'm expecting from the Playground, but its nice to shout into the Void, if nothing else.

EDIT: Yay, I'm a dwarf in the playground! I suppose that's something.

Matticus
2009-07-06, 03:46 AM
Hmm. Feeling blue. Managed to drive away a friend, although I wasn't trying very hard. Maybe they didn't run away from me; maybe they just don't care to see that I'm down.
Then again, maybe I did drive them away...maybe even my better "friends" would rather not talk to me. Maybe I just drag everyone down, always.
Which I do.
Hey, why should they care? Why should anyone care about me, stuck out here in the middle of the edge of the edge of somewhere. (read: nowhere)
I don't wanna go out...I don't like people, I don't like making the effort to pretend to fit in (I fail at that anyway). If I stay here I go quietly mad, spirally lower and lower into darkness I can't pull myself out of...If I do go out, it'll suck.
Goddamnit I hate the holidays.

Xallace
2009-07-06, 06:49 AM
You go to befrienders.org (http://www.befrienders.org/), find the hotline for your particular country, and talk to them. They listen to people in distress and provide support - not judgement or anything - just the support needed. They'll take it seriously. They won't disregard anything. They won't force anything. They'll just listen.

If you don't want to talk to a stranger, you can talk to a friend or relative, but I think it is often much easier to talk to a stranger who is outside of your particular situation and who has been trained to help and to know what to do.

Whatever you do, you should talk to someone. Don't keep it all inside your head.

Dish has it right, dude; you need to full-on talk to somebody. If it's any consolation my best friend was suicidal for months and she's alive, kickin' and happy after she finally talked to someone about it and got the help she needed. So I guarantee it's a help.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-06, 09:38 AM
loopy:First off, kudos for speaking up, rather than putting some kind of plan into action. Better you should speak first than land in a greater crisis than when you started.

Fighting off self-destructive feelings is EXTREMELY difficult, so my suggestion is far from easy...but what you need to do is pause and seek immediate help. You can always try to learn from my personal experiences by starting to read from here (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2008/10/suicidal-history-part-1.html), and then reading the related posts that follow. Part 2 has a specific suggested course of action if you truly feel you need immediate aid - that being you walk into an emergency room and say, "Hi...I'm seriously suicidal." Trust me...you should get help immediately.

You can also search online for local hotlines to call. Australia is not a third world country with no services for the general public, so there should be someone to call.

If you honestly feel you are a danger to yourself, and don't think you can get the help you need on your own, call a trusted friend or family member and explain, as plainly as you can, that if you don't get help immediately, it's possible you'll do something foolish. If they start freaking out, try to tell them, "I can appreciate your emotional distress, but at the moment, I'M the one who needs help. If you want to join me in the psych ward later, you can. But let's focus on me for the moment...please?"

As for the throwing up or crying, I recommend crying instead. Throwing up gets messy. :smallwink: Seriously, you are ALLOWED to cry. At some point, we men got it into our heads that it's an injustice for males to shed tears. That's nonsense. If crying will help you vent some of what's going on inside your head, you go right ahead and weep. Try to save any screaming you might want to do for a pillow, as such emotional venting may cause others to panic.

That's all I have for you at the moment. By all means, try to keep us posted on how you're doing.
Meirnon:To you, I recommend you pay close attention to the lyrics of A Talk with George (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpZJ84lm4zk&feature=related). (The lyrics are under "more info" to the right of the video.) I also recommend you watch the entirety of The Last Lecture (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo), given by Randy Pausch. (I was so inspired by the video that when I was passing the book shelves in Wal-Mart and say a book about the lecture, I grabbed it without even considering the price.)

I am emotionally ill, suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and severe recurring depression. There is rarely a moment when I'm not complaining about something...but then I also believe that one should try to make every day count for SOMETHING GOOD. You'll note the italicized "try" there. One isn't always successful, but then it also depends on how you measure success. Since I'm not faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and/or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, (despite claims to the contrary), sometimes my successes are very small. Make someone smile; show someone you care; share a kind word with someone for no reason other than it's a nice thing to do.

Personally, I think you're doing as well as you can under your current circumstances. Yes, it would be nice if the cards of fate were always a straight flush, but we are more often dealt garbage hands. Better to keep taking reasonable risks and keep playing than folding every time.

(Note to self: Must stop playing online poker with fake money; it leads to cliche metaphors. :smalltongue: )

I hope some of this helps in some way. Feel free to drop in and vent again, sincde yours was a post that didn't require a dozen questions to flesh out the issues. :smallwink:

As for myself...There's a lot of STUFF going on, and it's starting to happen faster than I would have liked...but then, as I often remind folks, "Life is what happens while you're making other plans." Not only am I trying to keep my regular blog up to date, but also make additional notes in the comments once others have said something. In order to stay up to speed with the lunacy that is my life, (if you're interested), I recommend you go there.

And that's all I have to say at this moment, boys and girls. Just remember that goat slappage will occur to those who attempt to dismiss their issues, and we're bringing in genetically engineered goats for that purpose...they EXPLODE on impact! :smallbiggrin:

Meirnon
2009-07-06, 02:26 PM
Please delete the section for me...

Dallas-Dakota
2009-07-06, 05:08 PM
:smallsigh:
I've slowly been falling deeper.
And this is a very bad one....It's just not a week orso....It's been going deeper.....slowly ever eating away at my mind....Attacking me viciously.....Especially the lack of social life......

College...I've been accepted into it. Good, right?
I've been feeling as if I've just thrown myself into a pitt, I've not had a good creative history or anything. True, I have been making some avatars(kudos to the people who still use them.)in Inkscape, a vector based program. Being vector based, somehow, in my mind makes it void as a artistic enterprise. I'd go into some more detail on this, but I don't want to.
Partially I have been feeling that I did this to spite my parents somehow. Ha, you didn't and don't really know me.

Even now, I'm constantly doubting whether I'm going to post this.

The summer has me being constantly reminded of my lack of a social life.

And sometimes one of my main fears, being bored.
Sounds silly, doesn't it? But I have to have something to do.
My mind is overactive(a major reason for my chronic migraine), it thinks faster then I can follow it sometimes. But when I'm busy doing something, it has to focus, thus calming down a little bit. Not to mention that being bored ...well..erm...sucks. And my artside is usually only active when it feels like it.

But you're probably wondering now, DD, with taking Art as the college course, you'l have assignments, you can't just do those when you ''feel like it''. Yes, people, you have correctly bumped into another point. Though there is Webdesign, which I can do on command and have barely any experience in. Gooooo me! (This reminds me of a request made by Andre, long ago, which I still have to do. Damn me and my procrastination issues....)

Still doubting whether to press that button....Ah...I really shouldn't avoid this thread much. I should be tellinlg instead of thinking people aren't worth my attention.

Overworked my wrist at work(stacking shelves, woohooo /sarcasm), didn't go to a doctor. Felt pains in my hips for a couple of days, didn't tell anybody.(Luckily, they're over now)
And also bottling up the rest of my I'm still sad to say, regular or chronic problems.

This is DD checking out and hopefully pressing that Submit button...
Thenk you all for listening.

Dr. Bath
2009-07-06, 05:31 PM
Try not to worry DD. And vector art is just as much art as anything else. It's just a medium, the art is what you put in.

Cheesegear
2009-07-06, 11:31 PM
Just remember that goat slappage will occur to those who attempt to dismiss their issues, and we're bringing in genetically engineered goats for that purpose...they EXPLODE on impact! :smallbiggrin:

That would bring you to The Goat Level of The Diablo Depression Thread. But you need Bor's Leg to get there. And only Bor has Bor's Legs. So, if there are any exploding goats that happen to anyone except Bor. They're cheating somehow. And that means that your problems really are that serious and should be paid attention to.

loopy
2009-07-07, 08:08 AM
loopy:First off, kudos for speaking up, rather than putting some kind of plan into action. Better you should speak first than land in a greater crisis than when you started.

Fighting off self-destructive feelings is EXTREMELY difficult, so my suggestion is far from easy...but what you need to do is pause and seek immediate help. You can always try to learn from my personal experiences by starting to read from here (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2008/10/suicidal-history-part-1.html), and then reading the related posts that follow. Part 2 has a specific suggested course of action if you truly feel you need immediate aid - that being you walk into an emergency room and say, "Hi...I'm seriously suicidal." Trust me...you should get help immediately.

You can also search online for local hotlines to call. Australia is not a third world country with no services for the general public, so there should be someone to call.

If you honestly feel you are a danger to yourself, and don't think you can get the help you need on your own, call a trusted friend or family member and explain, as plainly as you can, that if you don't get help immediately, it's possible you'll do something foolish. If they start freaking out, try to tell them, "I can appreciate your emotional distress, but at the moment, I'M the one who needs help. If you want to join me in the psych ward later, you can. But let's focus on me for the moment...please?"

As for the throwing up or crying, I recommend crying instead. Throwing up gets messy. :smallwink: Seriously, you are ALLOWED to cry. At some point, we men got it into our heads that it's an injustice for males to shed tears. That's nonsense. If crying will help you vent some of what's going on inside your head, you go right ahead and weep. Try to save any screaming you might want to do for a pillow, as such emotional venting may cause others to panic.

That's all I have for you at the moment. By all means, try to keep us posted on how you're doing.

Thanks to everyone who has posted. I am trying to work up the courage to call one of the national anti depression/suicide hotlines... I'm glad Australia doesn't have easy access to firearms, cos that seemed like a really easy solution at some points over the past few days.

Has anyone ever felt that the only thing stopping them from killing themselves is the massive note they'd have to write explaining themselves? Cos I do. I don't know.

Meirnon
2009-07-07, 08:57 AM
That... plus the guilt you feel for even thinking about it when considering your loved ones... it isn't worth it for the pain it'd put them through.

HellfireLover
2009-07-07, 09:11 AM
I'm sorry folks, I tried to read through the thread, but most of the posts are so long, I feel like I'd be there forever.

So straight onto the TL:DR.

Hi *waves shyly*

I’m not usually depressive – or more accurately, I’ve had spells of it since I was a pre-teen, but have a healthy dose of anger issues which help me look less ‘emo’ to friends and casual acquaintances; and I try to be positive – but I’m starting to feel really bad here.

Currently feeling very down, in debt (working to get out of debt) due to marriage and house-buying and repairing, but my god the phone calls from angry creditors – it’s enough to drive a body insane. Every day I get at least five phone calls from people demanding more money off me – even though I don’t have enough to buy work clothes, or get my hair cut (my mum pays for it for me) – these people DEMAND that I give them more, more, more. More of what I don’t even have enough of in the first place. My house is a mess – my garden is a mess – I was supposed to be growing my own food this year but crappy late frosts and working late have ruined my plants and intentions well enough and now everything outside is covered in weeds; and everything inside is covered in cat puke stains from my poor little cat who died. My work is severely stressful, my colleague is on maternity leave and I’m covering her job and mine, regular hours are 8 to 5 but I’m always in here working late… and still don’t finish everything and I feel rotten about it, like I’m letting everyone down. I’m frightened that my boss considers me inadequate and a poor replacement. I’m so tired I could cry. If the phone rings just once more today I do feel that I might go completely looney.

Top that off with being chased for money at work by work creditors, and being asked to deal with stuff I have no prior knowledge of, and being asked to calculate figures off the top of my head every day (which is too much for my poor dyscalculic brain) and being expected to see ‘obvious’ mistakes that aren’t obvious to me (see my previous parenthesis) and knowing that I DON’T have my coping systems well enough in place, and that processes ARE being missed due to a combination of time constraints and never having the time to sit down and see a job through end to end without something else coming in and taking me away from it…

And I moved town six years ago and I still haven’t made any friends…. because I work so hard and don’t have time or money to volunteer or go to the gym, or the cinema, or even to go for a walk in the park at the other end of town… I feel isolated and like I’m getting more and more reserved, and the more reserved I get, the more warped I must seem to other people… My husband works long, silly hours as a driver and I don’t see enough of him, and I worry like a crazy jealous woman that someone else is going to come along and poach him off me.

And dear lord, I used to be so fit and slim, now I’m all doughy and pale and I’m so PARANOID about it. I was used to the other kids bullying me, about my weight and my height and my hair colour (no kidding) and even being from a different town with a slightly different accent, when I was young: but as I got older I projected that I was less sensitive (although I never was) and they moved onto softer targets – but that whole body hatred has kicked in again and all I can feel, wherever I go, is people laughing at me, silent, mocking… I hate it, it makes me so angry… I alternate between snarling and wanting to cry.

I just… honestly, if this is all adult life has to offer me, I don’t see the point quite frankly. *puts head down on desk defeatedly*

thestarvingpoet
2009-07-07, 12:29 PM
Hi *waves shyly*

I’m not usually depressive – or more accurately, I’ve had spells of it since I was a pre-teen, but have a healthy dose of anger issues which help me look less ‘emo’ to friends and casual acquaintances; and I try to be positive – but I’m starting to feel really bad here.

Currently feeling very down, in debt (working to get out of debt) due to marriage and house-buying and repairing, but my god the phone calls from angry creditors – it’s enough to drive a body insane. Every day I get at least five phone calls from people demanding more money off me – even though I don’t have enough to buy work clothes, or get my hair cut (my mum pays for it for me) – these people DEMAND that I give them more, more, more. More of what I don’t even have enough of in the first place. My house is a mess – my garden is a mess – I was supposed to be growing my own food this year but crappy late frosts and working late have ruined my plants and intentions well enough and now everything outside is covered in weeds; and everything inside is covered in cat puke stains from my poor little cat who died. My work is severely stressful, my colleague is on maternity leave and I’m covering her job and mine, regular hours are 8 to 5 but I’m always in here working late… and still don’t finish everything and I feel rotten about it, like I’m letting everyone down. I’m frightened that my boss considers me inadequate and a poor replacement. I’m so tired I could cry. If the phone rings just once more today I do feel that I might go completely looney.

Top that off with being chased for money at work by work creditors, and being asked to deal with stuff I have no prior knowledge of, and being asked to calculate figures off the top of my head every day (which is too much for my poor dyscalculic brain) and being expected to see ‘obvious’ mistakes that aren’t obvious to me (see my previous parenthesis) and knowing that I DON’T have my coping systems well enough in place, and that processes ARE being missed due to a combination of time constraints and never having the time to sit down and see a job through end to end without something else coming in and taking me away from it…

And I moved town six years ago and I still haven’t made any friends…. because I work so hard and don’t have time or money to volunteer or go to the gym, or the cinema, or even to go for a walk in the park at the other end of town… I feel isolated and like I’m getting more and more reserved, and the more reserved I get, the more warped I must seem to other people… My husband works long, silly hours as a driver and I don’t see enough of him, and I worry like a crazy jealous woman that someone else is going to come along and poach him off me.

And dear lord, I used to be so fit and slim, now I’m all doughy and pale and I’m so PARANOID about it. I was used to the other kids bullying me, about my weight and my height and my hair colour (no kidding) and even being from a different town with a slightly different accent, when I was young: but as I got older I projected that I was less sensitive (although I never was) and they moved onto softer targets – but that whole body hatred has kicked in again and all I can feel, wherever I go, is people laughing at me, silent, mocking… I hate it, it makes me so angry… I alternate between snarling and wanting to cry.

I just… honestly, if this is all adult life has to offer me, I don’t see the point quite frankly. *puts head down on desk defeatedly*

I started to post a reply, and deleted it. Started again, deleted. Will the third try be the charm?

I don't know where you're from, but here in Canada we have a charity called Credit Canada (I'm sure there are others too) that help you with your debt and look at the best options to manage it. I'm sure there are similar charities in most countries that could possibly help you out.

I don't have a lot of experience with debt (I just have a small car loan and student loans), but I have had experience with not having a lot of money. I've found if you're willing to sacrifice a few things you can certainly trim up your budget. Some things that people consider necessities really aren't - for example I didn't have a tv for about 5 years. I did have a computer, as it was necessary for school, and I could use it to watch rented movies if necessary. I found though - after an initial adjustment period - that I didn't really miss tv. I listened to the news on the radio, and read to fill the spare time. And the $30/month (minimum) that saved me was a good chunk of groceries.

I've also found that eating out uses a lot of money - it's a terrible habit to get into. Lately I've considered starting a special savings account: anytime I think I might go out for supper, I instead make supper at home and transfer $20-40 into the savings account (whatever the meal would have cost). I always bring a lunch to work, and the amount that I save through that alone is massive. My coworkers will buy lunch every day, spending at least $7/meal and probably $2-3/coffee. That's $10/day, which in an average month would be at least $200 savings.

Things like this certainly won't solve your money problems, but they can't hurt either! And you may do all these things already... in that case just ignore the previous paragraphs.

I'm sorry your kitty died. I do have a tip for kitty puke stains though - get Spot Shot (available at Wal-Mart up here). When I first got my cat he got very sick the first weekend and puked about 14 times in 3 days. For weeks after I was finding hidden puke spots that I hadn't noticed before. As I was renting, and the carpet was a light grey, this was bad news. Spot shot saved my butt there - it does an amazing job, even on old stains. If that fails you could always consider renting a steam cleaner - we can rent them from Safeway for about $30/day. It's a bit of extra work, but it will make you feel better about the inside of your house, which is important.

The late frosts messed with a lot of people - I was lazy, and for once that paid off as my plants were okay. Depending on the length of your growing season it is probably too late to start many plants - however if the sight of the garden is bringing you down consider taking an afternoon to hoe all the weeds and break up the soil, and just plant some cheap wildflowers. It will at least look nice and ease your mind a little.

With regards to your job - try talking to your boss. It's not unreasonable that you are having a difficult time covering two jobs. There was another person in that job for a reason! I have been in a similar situation, and it is difficult - often managers don't understand that the workload is heavy. It may be that some responsibilities can be shuffled around thus easing your workload. It can be a difficult subject to approach, particularly when you're feeling so negative and guilty about it. If you're uncomfortable speaking, email is always a good alternative. I would probably approach it by acknowledging that you have been making some mistakes, and perhaps mistakes that you should have caught - but with the increase in workload from covering X's maternity leave you've been feeling very pressured and scattered, working extra hours and still feeling like you're not caught up and things are being missed. Something along those lines. As long as you are expressing a willingness to work with your boss, etc, it shouldn't be an issue.

I feel your pain when it comes to being lonely. Since finishing university I've found that my group of friends have all drifted (some physically, others just always are busy). I feel like I have no friends, and even when I meet new people I don't find I'm able to break through the acquaintance barriers to actually make meaningful friends. So I'm afraid I can't give you any advice there. I too often feel like people are laughing at me, or mocking me behind my back. They probably aren't though. I would say that your self esteem will start to pick up once the other things in your life start to sort themselves out. However, little steps can make a big difference too - making the effort to go for a 20 minute walk every day can do wonders for your self esteem because you know you're at least trying to make the changes...

Sorry for the novel. Maybe I'll eventually work up to posting about myself someday...

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-07, 02:35 PM
Ugh! Just ONE wrong button and entire posts get eaten by the interwebzes. :smallfurious:

Let's try this again, shall we, HellfireLover? You see, I used to be one of those debt collectors that are now calling you, and I have knowledge that will help.

I’ll start by operating under the assumption that you are in the United States, as you don't seem to be writing in an accent. :smallwink:

Way back in 1977, a set of laws collectively called the Fair Debt Collections Practices Act (http://74.125.155.132/search?q=cache:N8VLI_XcsooJ:www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/consumer/credit/cre27.pdf+fdcpa&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us), (commonly known as "the FDCPA" in the collection trade), was passed to stop debt collectors from destroying people's lives. (If you Google “FDCPA,” you should also bring it up as a PDF document that you can save to your computer, which I recommend you do so you can have it easily accessible.)

Subsection 805, “Communication in connection with debt collection,” (c), “CEASING COMMUNICATION,” is the part that will save you from the constant calls, and reduce your stress to only dreading the mail when it comes. This will require a little extra money and a trip to your local post office. What you want to do is send the various agencies calling you a carefully worded letter that puts a stop to the calls, but DOES NOT give them cause to take further legal action. Thus, your letters should explain that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are they to call you at home or work anymore, but you are willing to work with them via mail. Specify that they are also not to contact any other parties unless it’s your attorney, whom you will name at a later date if necessary. (Whether you can work with them or not is beside the point; it will stop the calls.) Send these letters by CERTIFIED MAIL WITH A RETURN RECEIPT. Once you receive those return receipts, SAVE THEM! This will be your proof in the future that they did, in fact, get those letters, and any calls you might receive later will be a violation of the law.

Lovely thing about the law…Mind you, my last job in debt collections ended in May of 2000, but I doubt things have changed in terms of the fines. You see, if they break the law, you can sue them PER VIOLATION! And the penalties? For the company, it’s up to $10,000 for each violation; for the debt collector, personally, it can be up to $1,000. (Imagine the fun you can have, turning the tables and making collection calls to the collection company for the money THEY OWE YOU! :smallbiggrin: ) To get their address, feel free to lie. "Can I have your mailing address? I have certain documents I need to send, and might be able to squeeze out a check to go with it." It doesn't matter if you tell them you won the lottery, and that you want to send them certification of your winnings, and that you're awaiting that big payday so you can pay the the balance in full in the near future. Just be sure you get a mailing address where you can send certified mail!

So let’s say you send off those letters, and someone calls by mistake. That’s going to be pretty darn painful for their wallets.

Collector: Hello…Is Miss HellfireLover there?
You: Speaking.
Collector: This is So-n-so from Debts-R-Us. I’m calling about the –
You: Hang on, I want to record this call.
Collector: (This usually scares collectors so silly they hang up without a word…but then there are the brave and the dumb.)
You: Okay. I sent a letter explaining that you are no longer to call my home or work, and you are violating the FDCPA at this very moment. This is violation number one, and will likely cost you up to $11,000.
Collector: (Smart collectors hang up now, but let’s hope he/she is stupid.) Well, there’s nothing in your file about a letter –
You: And yet I have a receipt that says your company received the letter. Inaccurate documentation of my account is another violation, and you are now at a total of $22,000. Would you like to keep going?
Collector: (Again, they should really hang up now, but some people just don’t know better.) I’m sorry, but as long as I have you on the phone –
You: Still trying to collect this debt when I have made it clear in writing to not try by phone makes this number three, and a total of $33,000. You’re not only making this the kind of case lawyers love, but you’re also paying off my debt with each word out of your mouth. Please keep going.

By now, something in their head should click, and will probably run away from you. Document the call, either by getting a visual record of the caller ID, actually finding a way to record the call, or anything else you might be able to devise. Multiple violations from multiple agencies could well make yours a case that a lawyer would love to take on, as most lawyers will only want a third of what you win in court. Imagine just two collectors making a call like the one scripted above. Imagine a total of six violations…I dunno. Could you live with a mere $44,000 dollars once those debt collectors are forced to pay up for violating FEDERAL LAW? (That’s after your lawyer has taken out the $22,000 for his/her fees.) :smallbiggrin:

Send those letters. Keep careful documentation of any contact collectors make with you, or anyone you know whom they might try to contact. These collectors and their very attitude could dig an extremely deep hole for whatever company is calling you, and not only pay off your debts for you, but make you slightly richer for their seemingly little mistakes. Be sure to contact an attorney that won’t charge for a consultation if you feel the need, and good luck. :smallsmile:

Dallas-Dakota
2009-07-07, 02:41 PM
So a conversation with a old classmate which went from OK to freakishly bad and being ignored by the man which I have called brother later. I'm feeling even more suicidal and honestly, I think one of the few things stopping me is the long note I'd have to write.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-07, 03:24 PM
So a conversation with a old classmate which went from OK to freakishly bad and being ignored by the man which I have called brother later. I'm feeling even more suicidal and honestly, I think one of the few things stopping me is the long note I'd have to write.
Doing anything as foolish as what you suggest would result in my follwing suit, just so I can slap you with a goat...then hope for someone to develop a REAL ressurection spell.

If that was a reference to me - the ignoring part - then you are VERY wrong. I am watching your blog, Little Buddy, as well as leaving comments for you there. There's little else I can give you in advice, as I have told you all I can in terms of fighting these emotions. You are young, and life should get better as the years go on. And if the only thing keeping you from making a monumental and terminal mistake is writing a note, then you need to drop everything and GET HELP!

DD, my LB...You should get it through your head that if there wasn't thousands of miles between us, I'd be hanging out with you. Gaming sessions, goofing around, or just venting to one another. For that last, unfortunately, there is little we can really do for one another, other than being an understanding ear. What you REALLY need to do is understand that there is only ONE person upon whom you can rely, and that that same person is with you all the time: yourself.

And contrary to your perseonal opinion, you have strengths. Stop looking at what structured education or society says you should be and BE YOURSELF! You are not a bunch of grades from a school. You are not a part-time job. You are not a university acceptance. You are DD, our hard-rockin', laughter lovin' Cookie Monster! :smallsmile:

Oh...and while I don't log onto it as often as I should, when I do, I look for you on Skype. I get the feeling someone's father said something about our one and only chat, and stopped you from talking to me again. But if you think that *I'M* the one ignoring you, I will travel by sea with a boatload of exploding goats, find your curly-haired self, and start smashing you with them until you get it through your young, depressed head that I give a damn, and am watching over you, even if I'm not perpetually vocal about it. Got it? :smallamused:

Now you just cut it out with this suicide nonsense and let me get back to work on my intercontinental goat missile, which will save me from having to make the above trip. I'm having issues getting a cat to Tennessee; you think I wanna have to get exploding goats into another country?!? :smalleek:

Theolotus
2009-07-07, 08:07 PM
I'm not alone. heh.

Bor, you r0x0r! this thread has gotten me through today. It's hobbling along, but I'm there.

To everyone that posted:
Thank you. It means alot to know I'm not the only one out there. this is more help than I know how to put into words.

Thank you.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-08, 12:28 AM
I'm not alone. heh.

Bor, you r0x0r! this thread has gotten me through today. It's hobbling along, but I'm there.

To everyone that posted:
Thank you. It means alot to know I'm not the only one out there. this is more help than I know how to put into words.

Thank you.
Emphasis, mine. For someone who claims not to have the words, I think you did just fine.

Oh...and thanks for the compliment. Realize that my accepting a compliment without comment is rare, and I usually balk at such claims. But right now...I'll take anything and everything I can get. :smallwink:

RabbitHoleLost
2009-07-08, 12:33 AM
So a conversation with a old classmate which went from OK to freakishly bad and being ignored by the man which I have called brother later. I'm feeling even more suicidal and honestly, I think one of the few things stopping me is the long note I'd have to write.

DD, while nothing I can say is as awesome as Bor, you know I love you, buddy.
And I have no idea if that means anything, I just thought I'd throw it out.
In public.
For everyone to see.

Rabbit loves DD. Hardcore.
<3

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-08, 01:43 AM
DD, while nothing I can say is as awesome as Bor, you know I love you, buddy.
And I have no idea if that means anything, I just thought I'd throw it out.
In public.
For everyone to see.

Rabbit loves DD. Hardcore.
<3
Oddly, I believe I said something similar without saying the actual words. Along with many others on these boards, I love you, DD. You're the little brother I'd rather have than the little brothers I actually have. I wonder if I can trade in various existing family members for other, better human beings, like you. :smallwink:

Now...About me. Although I did very little walking today, since I was recovering from activities yesterday, I started feeling new pains from my left foot. I discovered a small, red spot on the underside of my foot, which is likely a sign of my Charcot's foot. The thing is, I think I may need the help of a hospital.

Tomorrow, I was supposed to go for a fitting for diabetic shoes. Instead, if my foot looks no better when I wake, I'm heading for an emergency room. And I'm saying this here and now because not everyone follows my blog. Should I vanish without warning, it probably means I've been admitted to the hospital. If things are seriously afoot with my foot, I will try to come home first and say as much in a more difinitive manner, but then I may also not have any choice in the matter.

Let's all hope it's just my imagination at work, shall we? :smalleek:

Cheesegear
2009-07-08, 08:07 AM
Now...About me. Although I did very little walking today, since I was recovering from activities yesterday, I started feeling new pains from my left foot. I discovered a small, red spot on the underside of my foot, which is likely a sign of my Charcot's foot.

I can't really comment on that. Since I've never experienced anything like Charcot's. All's I know is that Nerve damage is a terrible thing for anyone to go through. I wish there was something, anything I could say that could help...But I don't know anything to say (probably a good thing I quit Nursing then, eh?). My condolences go out to you, since I'm not one of those people who prays.

...Primarily because the person I would be praying to, let this happen in the first place, but, that's neither nor there.


Should I vanish without warning, it probably means I've been admitted to the hospital. If things are seriously afoot with my foot, I will try to come home first and say as much in a more definitive manner, but then I may also not have any choice in the matter.

One thing I've learned from this thread (if I've learned anything at all), is that if someone 'disappears without warning' it's never a good thing. I'll be waiting for your next post. Because I honestly hope that there will be another one. And in the near future too, rather than a week or so.

I just hope you have been standing on a circular object for a long time and have pressure-redness...Rather than...Terribleness.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-08, 12:09 PM
Okat, CG...Here's a post. Hope you're happy. :smalltongue:

I was going to end it there, but decided to fill you in a bit more. :smallwink: I just woke up, looked at my foot, poked at the red spot a bit to see if it was as bad as yesterday, and...well, I think I made it as bad as yesterday. Adding to this is the fact that I have a similar red spot on my left middle finger. The debate inside my head is whether or not to go to the emergency room. Are these emergency room worthy?

This is the thing that always gets me. Every time I head for the ER, and it turns out to be nothing, I come away feeling like I've wasted a doctor's valuable time. While they were looking after me, a trauma patient was without a doctor watching over them. It's part of my mental illness, I guess, where logical thought is applied to come to the illogical conclusion that I'm less worthy of care. It's the kind of thing that usually makes me do very little, hoping the problem will go away.

That said, I'm going to keep debating until the pain becomes unbearable, if it actually reaches that point. THAT'S when I'll head for the ER.

Meanwhile, protect the foot as much as possible. Meanwhile, I will not only wrap the foot in the appropriate bandages to protect the diabetic ulcer on my left ankle, but wear my CAM walker (http://leedergroup.com/products/cam-walker-equalizer) as much as possible. If the problem is a broken, drifting osteophyte (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osteophyte), (Warning: graphic picture is on that wiki link!), the boot will immobilize my foot enough to prevent further damage. Hopefully, this is just a painful irritation, and not something serious.

And don't panic! I am NOT ignoring the problem. The fact is that I'm going to see a podiatrist on Monday, anyway. The appointment was made early yesterday, almost as though I was a personal prophet and saw some kind of medical problem coming at me. I will make that appointment if it means being schlepped there by ambulance, if necessary. Thge podiatrist is able to take x-rays in his office, so if there's a real problem inside, he'll be able to see it.

That's where I stand at the moment. I will keep you posted, either here of on my regular blog.

Oh...When people vanish, it's not always a bad thing. Sometimes it simply means they've been able to come to terms with their psych issues and no longer need our aid on this thread. It's human nature to forget to stop in and say, "By the way, I'm feeling much better now, and won't be back unless I need more help. Sometimes it's actually wiser not to post something like that, as revisiting their problems can reopen the old wounds. So stop being so negative! ("Yeah, Bor! Stop being so negative!" :smalltongue: )

I'm off to chat with my landlord, who is on property at this very moment. :smallannoyed:

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-08, 03:55 PM
Relief at last!

I'm not one to make a double-post, but hours have passed, so I believe I'm good on that count. This is also rather long for a mere "edit." :smalltongue:

Fellow Playgrounder and all around nice guy, Arguskos, has offered to try and work something out where he and a couple of people drive from Texas to pick up Nike, watch over her until my move to TN is complete, and then drive her to TN! This, my friends, is pure, unadulterated AWESOMENESS! :smallbiggrin: :smallbiggrin: :smallbiggrin:

Really...Nike's fate has been eating away at me, and I have had more than a few terrible thoughts as to what I should do. I mean, there was a thought that she would eventually be put down because no one wants to adopt a seven-year-old cat...everyone wants cute little kittens. So I was actually considering putting her down myself. And, trust me, a part of me would have died with her if I'd done something like that. :smalleek:

Instead, I received a call from Arguskos this morning, having just sent him my phone number hours before, and he has agreed to try and work something out where he and a couple of other people drive all the way out here and take Nike home with them. Then, once I've schlepped myself out to TN, we will arrange for him to drive her to me. (My kitty and I will do much dancing once we are reunited, I'm sure. :smallbiggrin: )

Also on the list of awesomeness is that he will be able to take extra boxes of stuff home with him, such as books and DVDs, thereby saving me huge amounts of money in terms of shipping. All I'll need to do is fill my travel bags with what I I can definitely take with me, pack what little is left, and Arguskos will take it from there.

Bonus: Once I'm at my brother's, he will be charging me less rent, thereby leaving more money in my pocket. When Nike and boxes are brought to me in TN, I will be able to pay pack some of what Arguskos will have to shell out for all he's doing.

The only issue at hand is that he will have to wait until next month until he can even try to pull this off. As with many people, money is tight, so he can't simply have a last minute road trip to get my cat and stuff. I have very little left to my name for the rest of the month, and would love to toss money his way so we can get this done ASAP. And usually, the fact that I'm almost broke (again) would have me panicking and sinking into a deep depression (again). Instead, MY KITTY IS GOING TO BE SAVED, and thus I am a happy camper. :smallbiggrin:

I'm off to breathe many sighs of relief.

arguskos
2009-07-08, 04:02 PM
I feel good. Reading about one's good deeds is always a pick-me-up. Still glad I could help at all Bor.

I still need to talk to folks here, and set stuff up, but I should work something out soon. I'll keep you updated Bor. :smallsmile:

thestarvingpoet
2009-07-08, 05:20 PM
Feeling just a little overwhelmed right now. I just got a call from my doctors office with results from my latest pap smear. There are apparently high grade abnormalities that need to be followed up on and they'd already booked me an appointment with a specialist when they'd called. Everything I read online just scares me - at the least this is serious pre-cancer that could lead to cancer. At the worst this is cancer.

Normally I try not to get worked up about these things, and don't research because that does just freak you out, but the lady who called me mentioned several times "I'm sorry to be dropping this on you at work" which to me says kinda maybe serious. And that was possibly the longest run on sentence ever.

At least I get to go home in 5 minutes.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-08, 05:56 PM
thestarvingpoet: I'll start with your Internet search for information. Two problems exist, and they oppose one another. The first is that not all of the information you may need is there. Sometimes the "misinformation highway" has large gaps in the road. Unless you spend hours looking up EVERYTHING, there's a good chance you may have missed something.

On the other side of the coin, there is too much information, and there is no filter on the web. You can easily find doom and gloom data on anything you type into a search engine. We humans tend to leap at the worst of it; a serious cough, when researched, is sure to be lung cancer and not just a bad cold.

As for the person who called with the results...Well, some people are not always thinking about what they say, or how they say it. I heard a story when I was a teenager about some people who went to visit a young family member in the hospital. Mind you, the family member had a chronic, potentially terminal illness. When they got to the pediatric ward and asked where the sick family member was, an idiot nurse said these exact words: "Oh, she's no longer with us." The family immediately thought the sick person had died, when what the nurse SHOULD have saud was, "Oh, she's been sent home."

Now, even IF this turns out to be a cancer issue, CANCER CAN BE CURED! The path to being considered cured can be long and arduous, but it is NOT necessarily a death sentence. I personally know TWO people who have been cured of some nasty versions of cancer. My ex had bone cancer, and unfortunately lost a leg to it. But she was cured. (That's an extreme.) Another friend, Lizzy, almost died the week before I met her. After a bone marrow transplant, she went on improving in her health, and is currently working on an acting/modeling career. Thus, cancer is not the death sentence it once was.

Yes, you have a legitimate reason to be concerned...but until you've seen the specialist, try not to spell out your own doom. Okay? Try to find things to distract you until you get to see the doctor.

Oh...as long as I'm here and trying to comfort you, have two *HUGS!* Use one now, and keep the other in your pocket for emergencies. :smallsmile:

Dallas-Dakota
2009-07-08, 06:03 PM
TheStaringPoet:
Several weeks ago, my grandpa was diagnosed with the worst cancer one can have, apparently, and in the brains too! It was looking very bad. But in the last two weeks, he's been steadily getting better. And he's over 70!

So even IF you have cancer, there's hope!

Da King
2009-07-08, 08:28 PM
For the past six months, I've been depressed on and off, and I just don't know why. Nothing seems to really matter to me. I just feel like I'm lost and I don't know what to do at all. None of my friends seem to care much at all about me either. I know that no matter where I go, I'm going to be laughed at and embarrassed, one of the few depressing constants in my life. Every action I take is an excuse to torment me based on the way I take it. Is there something about be so hilarious that my every move is a joke? I don't know what I did to deserve this. My best friend seems to be completely insensitive and unable to have any sort of empathy towards others whatsoever. He just seems like a mass of barbed insults, constantly trying to exert intellectual superiority over everyone. I have no idea why he does it, but every other sentence someone speaks will be "corrected" by him, for who-knows-what reason. The rest of my friends are mostly not friends at all, I don't enjoy their company or the way they act, or even like them that much. Why have acceptance in a group I don't even want to be a part of. And its impossible to talk to anyone about how I feel or any problems I have because they just DON'T CARE AT ALL.:smallfurious: Everywhere I go it seems to be the same, with everyone having a capacity for cruelty towards me that seems suitable for the most heartless of villains. Why even bother to keep going with this crap? Each day is the same as the last, on and on and on. What's left anyway? I'm not. The only way I can enjoy myself is by immersing myself in a story or fantasy, with nothing real left that I can say I enjoy. There's no way out, there's no light in the darkness, only a constant stumbling on and on through life.

So help me out if you can make ANY sense of the disorganized jumble of thoughts above. I know that I can't.

smellie_hippie
2009-07-08, 09:46 PM
Less of a depression post... more anxiety.

My daughter has a surgical consultation on Friday fro her TMJ. Meds have not been helping, physical therapy has been unsuccessful, and we are now hoping that surgery will be a quick and positive remedy.

Thoughts and well wishes (online or just as the thoughts arise) will be greatly appreciated. We'll know more after the weekend.

bluewind95
2009-07-08, 10:56 PM
I'm still around. I just haven't really been feeling sociable lately. Sorry about that.

Recaiden
2009-07-08, 11:05 PM
It's okay. It's much better than the alternative.

Zeb The Troll
2009-07-08, 11:24 PM
Less of a depression post... more anxiety.

My daughter has a surgical consultation on Friday fro her TMJ. Meds have not been helping, physical therapy has been unsuccessful, and we are now hoping that surgery will be a quick and positive remedy.

Thoughts and well wishes (online or just as the thoughts arise) will be greatly appreciated. We'll know more after the weekend.That's decidedly uncool. I was fortunate that my daughter's hospital visits were routine. She needed stitches in her head once when she was about 6. She had tubes put in her ears. She had her tonsils removed. Of course none of these are without risk and I was still anxious, it's the least anxious I could possibly have been in a hospital with my kiddo.

Here's the good news, as I read it, though. According to the Mayo Clinic (http://www.mayoclinic.org/tmj/treatment.html) website, the procedures for surgically treating TMJ don't appear to hold much more risk than that tonsilectomy that Bele needed. They exist and need to be considered, but they shouldn't be cause for excessive concern.

So, here's hoping for a) a successful, minimally invasive procedure that b) fixes the problem for good.

Following Bor's example, here's a patented *HUG PACK* which includes...
* An "it'll be okay" hug for Hello Fishy - full of well wishes for successful treatment
* A "get well soon" hug for Hello Fishy should the consult conclude that surgery is necessary - to be used after surgery - full of 120% of the RDA of healing thoughts
* A "group hug" for you, Moutain Faerie, DJ Sound Ghost, and Hello Fishy - is large enough for the whole family and reusable as needed - full of faith that all will turn out well - use in times of anxiety

As an added bonus, since you're a friend of the family, this *HUG PACK* is renewable as needed for no additional cost. :smallcool:

Alarra
2009-07-08, 11:32 PM
Good luck! Surgery and hospital visits are scary no matter how easy a procedure it may be. *hugs to all and lots of wishes and hope that all goes well and is easily fixed*

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-09, 03:45 AM
Da King: My guess would be that you're hanging on to your current friends out a fear of loneliness, despite the fact that, even when you're with them, you feel lonely. Your best friend sounds like no friend at all. And since none of them seem willing to communicate long enough to discuss how you feel, prehaps the time has come to stop trying. Who knows? Maybe when you stop calling or making an effort to hang out, they'll turn into human beings and ask after you...but don't count on it.

You enjoy stories and fantasies, eh? Well, I'm not sure of your age, but there are multiple solutions to finding friends with similar interests. The most universal is probably your local library, which usually has various groups you can join. I was insane with loneliness in NY when I lived in a boarding house, so I joined a writing group at my local library and had an absolute blast. Go and ask one of the librarians what kind of programs are run there, and then try to join them.

If you are in school or college, finding friends is as easy as hanging out in popular gathering places for your kind of group and simply saying "hi." I believe I met one group of friends when they were talking about playing AD&D, and I turned to them and asked, "You guys play D&D?" We were off to the races in terms of conversation, and I soon had new things to do on the weekends.

There was a time, after a particularly messy breakup with a girlfriend, when I lost about every friend I had. I'd gone a little nuts and became very abusive, so they simply walked away. Once I got my head back together, I found myself in a donut shop one evening, enjoying a cup of coffee, when a small group that was debating something dragged me into their conversation. I soon found another group of people to hang out with, and they were there every night. In fact, they were the ones who eventually inspired a screenplay I wrote years later entitle, Anyone Can. (I actually used the aspects of our real life conversation as the opening of the script!)

You are not happy with where you are in life, and so it falls to you to change where you are. It's kind of what I'm doing, although my situation is a tad more dire in that people are becoming aware that I cannot be so alone anymore; I need to be near family. The bonus is that I happen to have friends in the area I'm moving to, and so I will be even less alone. :smallsmile:

So, young warrior prince...go forth, and conquer new lands, and perhap one day you truly will be "da king." :smallwink:

bluewind95: It's good to hear from you, sweetie. Please, please, please feel free to come and complain or what have you...because when you're posting and venting your woes, at least we know where you are. :smallsmile:

smellie_hippie: Surgery for TMJ, you say? Well, the best part of this bad situation is that young folk recover must better from surgery than us "old" folk. When I was 18, and again when I was 20, I had surgery on my left knee. My recovery was almost a non-event. A month after both surgeries, I was up and about without a second thought, and years later my knees merely do some extra popping, none of which is painful. But now...? Surgery is my second to last answer for anything, with the very last being "dangerous" medications. That's because surgery is a longer recovery for me, and I don't heal as well as I did when I was a youth. (Have you people forgotten the adventures that followed the multiple nerve decompression of my right leg? G-d, what a nightmare!)

Now, because this is happening around her face, there may be more of a fear of scarring than the actual surgery. (Funny what the mind finds important, isn't it?) Ask about scarring and whether a plastic surgeon will be involved at any point. Just knowing the event will not leave many physical scars will be a relief for all, especially the young patient who, I'm sure, is concerned about her looks.

Zeb: Oh, sure. Take my idea and expand upon it, thereby making me look bad. Now I have to hate you for...Oh, I'm gonna say five minutes. :smalltongue:

Dallas-Dakota
2009-07-09, 03:51 AM
I'm still around. I just haven't really been feeling sociable lately. Sorry about that.
This, very much.
Also I don't like posting when I'm really just standing there, not knowing what advice I could give you.

Me: Thenks to the amazing Bor and the lovely Rabbit(love you both) I'm feeling better now. There still is some depression in there, but that's just my mind thinking bad thoughts. Bad mind!

Smellie, I'l echo Zeb here and give you a whole lot of *HUG*, my best wishes, fingers crossed and hope that it all goes well, if not perfectly.

loopy
2009-07-09, 09:36 AM
Well DD, although there are a bunch of us who aren't quite as famous, well known, intelligent or wise* as RabbitHoleLost, Zeb and Bor, we all wish you the best as well, and don't want you to come to any harm.

If you need anything from us on the boards, just let us know.
Signed by
loopy, your humble servant :smallsmile:
and the rest of the omnomymous masses.

* I was soooo tempted to write "or as important as", but I resisted, because self-pity is bad, woo!

thestarvingpoet
2009-07-09, 11:57 AM
Thanks Bor and DD. When I look at things logically and rationally I completely agree with you (which is why I try to steer clear of the internet fear mongeringresearch). *If* it is cancer, it's been caught early, cancer is treatable, I think it's a relatively minor form of cancer. I've always expected I would get cancer with my family history. I'm young (relatively) so I stand a much better chance of defeating anything on my own.

However yesterday my rational mind decided to take a vacation and the AAAUGH just came marching right in. So thanks again to the both of you for being my rational side until it decided to come back from Barbados. (or wherever it went)

*hugs right back*

Da King
2009-07-09, 09:14 PM
Thanks for the advice. I have a lot of trouble meeting and socializing with people, but hopefully I can find someone out there. I just can't take the abuse anymore, and I need to move on.

loopy
2009-07-10, 11:43 AM
So I had a 44 minute conversation with a Suicide Hotline thing I was referred too. It helped, though they made me promise to go see my GP about it and get referred to a local counsellor.

Sounds fun. :smallfrown:

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-11, 12:23 AM
So I had a 44 minute conversation with a Suicide Hotline thing I was referred too. It helped, though they made me promise to go see my GP about it and get referred to a local counsellor.

Sounds fun. :smallfrown:
Let's face facts, Loopy...SOME help is better than no help whatsoever. But only you know how bad off you are, and if you KNOW you're going to have issues getting things done, talk to a close friend or family member and ask them to help you get to your GP and to the counsellor.

Also, between now and the time when you can get in to see your doctor, keep that crisis line phone numer on hand. If you find your emotions crashing again, you'll be able to call without having to find the number all over again.

Push comes to shove, and you're in such bad shape that you don't think a crisis line will help, walk into a hospital emergency room and tell them that you are suicidal. You should get immediate aid.

Da King: Just an advanced warning...You may end up missing your friends' idiocy for a while. Trying to rebuild your social life from scratch is never easy. Still, I personally think it's for the better.

One way to meet people easily enough is to set up a Chess board at a cafe, turn the white pieces toward you, make an opening move, then sit back and read a book. Sooner or later, a total stranger is bound to come along and ask if you want to play a few rounds.

I've mentioned this tactic before, and one Playgrounder did this, but at a pub. She actually brought a few other games with her, and soon found plenty of people willing to hang out play games. The game, whatever it may be, becomes the perfect ice breaker.

Give it a shot, and you're sure to end up with new faces in your life...and some may even become friends. :smallsmile:

About me: Well, whatever is going on with my foot will now officially wait until Monday, barring any severe developments over the weekend. So while I feared a crisis, it is delayed until I see a doctor after the weekend.

loopy
2009-07-11, 02:06 AM
One way to meet people easily enough is to set up a Chess board at a cafe, turn the white pieces toward you, make an opening move, then sit back and read a book. Sooner or later, a total stranger is bound to come along and ask if you want to play a few rounds.

I've mentioned this tactic before, and one Playgrounder did this, but at a pub. She actually brought a few other games with her, and soon found plenty of people willing to hang out play games. The game, whatever it may be, becomes the perfect ice breaker.

That is amazing. I'm so doing that. :smallbiggrin:

SurlySeraph
2009-07-11, 04:56 AM
OK. So. As you may be aware, I am taking a year off before college. As you may be aware, I have accomplished virtually nothing, have atrophied mentally, physically, and morally, blah blah blah self-hatred apathy.

At this point, though, I feel that things are coming to a head. Both of my parents were out of town today. Without the noise of people coming in to bother me, I woke up at 2 PM and literally sat at my computer without interruption from 3:30 PM to 4:30 AM. I thought that being left alone would make me get motivated and actually start getting something done, but I just got worse. And then, when I finally tried to go to sleep, I couldn't at all. My heart was racing.

I can't go on like this. I like following orders and am not at all self-motivated; that's why this year has been so bad for me, because the point of a year off is that you have to decide what to do for yourself and there's nothing that I want to do for myself. Including, apparently, basic self-maintenance. It wasn't until today that I realized I've ceased to care to the point that I'm willing to forgo hygiene and starve myself when there's no one around to be worried about it and tell me to take care of myself.

So I need to make myself self-motivated. I need to work, and work hard, because working is the only thing I really enjoy doing and the only thing I should be doing - and the only thing I'm not doing.

I can't remember the last time I went outside, talked to someone outside my immediate family, had an actual conversation, etc. And I need to get back into the habit of being a functional human being, because not having to deal with basic facts of normal life like having to talk to people is what's made me so adrift and apathetic.

So, can someone give me advice on how to be a normal, functional human being? Seriously, I'm asking for a list of behaviors here. Going outside, eating three meals a day, taking showers, etc. Once I get back into a normal routine I'll be able to get stuff down, but at the moment I don't even remember what having a routine was like. Give me a list of things I can do to get on a schedule, make myself care about doing the work I need to get done, and generally be sane.

Dallas-Dakota
2009-07-11, 06:12 AM
1. Shower every morning, this will:
A Wake you up.
B Make you more pleasant to be in the company of, considering you smell and look better.
C Some other stuff
2. Eat breakfast, this will:
Give you energy to start your day,
Give you time to perhaps be social with your family, perhaps ask them for some tips?
3 Cycle or walk around town, focus on malls, shops and supermarkets, this will give you:
A Excercise, which will make you feel better, improve your condition. I'm not saying look better, because exercise is no wondermiracle that will give you epic charisma in a instant.
B Look around for posters or such on shops saying they need people, walk in and check for more. Or check their website and call them when you get home.( Don't go home for that alone).
C Give you fresh air.

Don't forget to shave and put up deoderant before you do 3.

This is what I could think and type up quickly, I'l be back with more. And I'm sure that other playgrounders have lots of advice.

If you make a thread about exercise, I'm sure a lot of playgrounders will help. Or if you want to PM somebody, I know that Crow will most likely help you.

Good luck, and I'l be back soon to read and post more.

Coidzor
2009-07-11, 06:52 AM
I definitely agree with DD. Having some kind of morning routine helps a lot, especially once you get used to it and really can enjoy it.

Especially if it increases your hygiene and health. :smallbiggrin:

One thing you can do is set various alarms to remind yourself of the schedule you're setting for yourself.

Like, an alarm at 8 or 9 o'clock to turn the computer off for the night and do your hygiene regimen for bedtime. Brushing your teeth, washing your face, changing into whatever you wear to sleep.

Then do some light reading, possibly of books that'll help you get thinking about things more academic, depending upon your preferences for reading and that sort of thing.

Hmm... So you're currently looking at enrolling in university/community college come this fall?

One thing that can help is for you to start doing some math problems every day, even if you don't have to ever take a math class again due to having earned college credit for it. Since doing math helps focus and keep the brain in tune.

Like, say,

1. Wake up with alarm, around 8 AM. (I'd say 7-9ish, preferably just 8 or a little before 8)

2. Brush your teeth, shower, clean up. (let's just say 8:15-8:20 after this.)

3. Fix or eat breakfast, depending upon the rest of your family's schedule you could additionally beef up your cooking skills by making breakfast for them if you wake up in time. (could put this before showering but after brushing teeth) (let's say, 8:30ish now)

3. Get dressed to go outside for an hour-long walk to start with, moving up later to jogging or biking. If you have a dog this is easier since you just add walking the dog every morning to the chores you do to help the others in the house stand your presence better. If you have pool access and can swim, I'd recommend swimming laps instead after you get used to the exercise of walking and sunlight again. (eventually as you get more fit, you might increase this to 90 minutes or two hours. And you might start out with just a half hour of such aerobic exercise.) (9:00-10 after a thirty minute bit. 9:30-40 after an hour, 10:30-40 after two hours.)

4. Chores - Find out what kind of chores youcan do for the day, like doing the breakfast dishes while your parents leave the house to work so that there's no dirty dishes when they get home. Or weeding the garden if you can learn how. Or just vacuuming every day in a different part of the house. (about an hour or two, can break this up around your other activities as a transition. Several chores also provide a workout as well, such as dusting.) (10:30-40 after intial hour-long workout)

5. Academic/Mental workout - If you have any of your old textbooks, start reviewing them. If you don't, then get to the library and try to pick up some books to get you back in the swing of things for college. Your librarian should be able to help you out with that. If the library can't really help, then some used bookstores might have some slightly out of date college textbooks which are available relatively cheaply and contain mostly correct information, due to the way that college textbooks rotate. (let's say an hour to two hours of studying.) (11:30-40, break for lunch)

6. Lunch.

7. Physical workout - in addition to just the base fitness of walking, hiking, jogging, swimming, or biking, specific stretches and exercises can really help you feel better about yourself, look better, become stronger, and help fitness in general. (30 minutes to an hour would be good, especially since you already have had aerobic exercise and have recovered from it.) Spend time so that you have digested first though. (let's say about 1:30 start. so ending about 2:00-2:30)

7. Reward yourself - allow yourself to finally get online for a little while or play some video games for an hour or two (depending upon how long you budget your time) (3:00pm to 4:00pm)

8. Dinner. Depending upon when your parents get home, you could even start learning to make dinner for them to have it waiting for them and allow you to get some valuable skills. Cookbooks and websites with recipes help greatly for this. (can start at around 4 or 5 depending upon when everyone gets home and what you're making)

9. Open time. Just do whatever. Leave yourself free to go shopping with whoever usually does it. spend time interacting with your family and finding out how they are doing. Go back online. Whatever. I think it's important to have some free time in the day.

10. Evening ritual 9:00 pm, turn off the computer, stop playing video games, stop watching TV.

11. 10:30 bedtime, when one gets into bed. 11:00 lights out.

This of course, would be a normal day, whereas other days would include more time for going out and socializing/visiting places/doing things.

Thanatos 51-50
2009-07-11, 07:10 AM
Since you're likely notworried about an assassian or whatnot, having a routine really helps with stress relief.
I hate to seem like I'm trying to recruit, here, but have you considered martial service (Police force and/or military)? It would probably help with a drive to self-motivate (It sure as Hell instilled one in me), and you can consider that hygenie, eat well, stay healthy in general stuff a standing order.

Boot Camp will, sure as the sun will rise, increase your capacity for social skills and empathy. Nothing instills a sense of comradrie better than sleeping withing a hundred yards or so of eighty other men, sharing all your meals, hygene-ing with 'im, using the same tiny bathroom head.

/recruting shpiel

As for a list of behavious of a functioning human:
Inhalation
Exhalation
A functioning heart
Contraction and expansion of muscles streached over a skeltal framework
firing synapses.

Seriously, you've indicated that you know what makes you happy in your post, get on the horse, grab the lance and barrel down on it.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2009-07-11, 09:48 AM
Really...You folks amaze me. Most astonishing is when you come here and unload your issues, seem to be in a very bad way, and then respond to someone else, helping them out of their own problems.

You may not know this, but you are helping yourselves in the process, and giving a different perspective on "how bad you really are" in terms of your emotional/psychological issues. Here's how it starts to look (to me, anyway) when you all start going through your post routines:

"Dear Depression Thread...I am miserable. I hate my life. I have everything about my life. I hate my friends. I hate my family. I hate myself most of all. The end is nigh. See you on the other side...except...Oh, wait! Someone else is in trouble! Well, I've been through something like that, and I got through it by doing what some might think is the strangest thing. But it was fun/good for me, and here's what I did! (Insert perfectly logical idea that probably never occurred to the other person that posted.) And now that that's taken care of...I am miserable. I hate my life. I have everything about my life. I hate my friends. I hate my family. I hate myself most of all. The end is nigh. See you on the other side..."

Yes, even I am guilty of this. But the wonderful thing is that we care, and we still hang onto hope, if not for ourselves, then for others. As long as there's hope and caring, you may believe you're in bad shape, but you're not. You're actually doing as well as possible under what is likely poor circumstances.

As to Thanatos 51-50's suggestion to SurlySeraph, my directionless, motivationless life brought me to a United States Army recruiter when I was 18. (I actually wanted to join the marine corps, like my father, but the army was closest.) I asked if there was some way an 18-year-old diabetic could join the armed forced and gain some desperately needed dicipline. Alas, diabetes made me 4F in the questionaire.

Still, it's not a bad idea, and the military has programs that will pay for future education, as well as give you practical experience in a variety of fields. While Thanatos acts like it's a commercial, ("Travel the world...meet interesting people...and kill them!" :smalltongue: ), it's not a bad idea at all.

Back to my initial message...you folks are awesome. Even in your worst moments, you're trying to do, when you believe you can do it. So while you may feel like losers in the interum, you are truly awesome. :smallsmile:

Thanatos 51-50
2009-07-11, 10:03 AM
Still, it's not a bad idea, and the military has programs that will pay for future education, as well as give you practical experience in a variety of fields. While Thanatos acts like it's a commercial, ("Travel the world...meet interesting people...and kill them!" :smalltongue: ), it's not a bad idea at all.

Yeah, there really are alot of good, educational oppertunities in at least the US military. There's an entire college on base here and I could sign up for any one of the classes they offer, and, assuming I pass them, not have to pay a cent.
To top that off, I have a fair number of college credits from just R-School (Boot Camp), A-School (AGA-school), and the hghest rate/rank I have acquired (AG3/PO3), including a number of hours in Public speaking, personal and communal health, meterology, oceanography and Aircraft maintenance.

Some technically-heavy or more 'scientific' rates (AGs, Nukes) have told me that, after a certain point, with only the credits from their carrers, all they have to do is take a few masic math courses for their Associate's.

I figured that was all stuff the recruiter was going to tell you, anyway. >.>

To be perfectly fair, I've had some bad experiances with military bearucracy, but my case is somewhat unique (In that I am and always will be a poor white trash good-for-nothing). Most people have a considerably better time with Martial Services than I do.
Dammit Bor, I'm not being paid to recruit!

Anyway - speaking to a recruiter in and of itself carries no obligation to join up or even do anything else provided you don't sign the dotted line and it is a path to investigate, if that lifestyle interests you.
Personally, I suggest the Navy, but I'm slightly biased

Moonshadow
2009-07-12, 02:57 AM
Hello. My name is Yuuki, and I'm a depression-aholic.

For the past 5 years or possibly longer, I believe that I have been depressed, with fluctuating severity. There have been many incidents where I have considered ending it, but I was talked out of it by several different people who took notice at the time. However, I believe this has just lead to me learning new ways to try and hide it better.

I think I have been stuck in a rut for the past few years. I have made some attempts to break out of it, but it seems that I run into the worst possible people one can find, and they shove me back into it.

I have the classic sob story background, I feel, and I usually don't disclose it because it feels cliched, uninspired, and ultimately, not worthy of telling anyone because it feels like a waste of time.

So yeah, I was one of those kids who was always bullied because they were different. I think from the age of about 9 onwards, I was picked on because I liked reading, and would frequently read my dads 600 page fantasy novels, because they were quite frankly fascinating. I only had a couple of close friends, and I've lost touch with them now unfortunatly.

My nickname at primary school was Bookworm, and it has stuck. Even now, I sometimes see the parents of children I went to primary school with, and that is who they recognise me as. The Bookworm.

High School... really not much different. I Was, and still am, one of those nerdy/geeky types. I make no excuses for that, I am what I am. But still, people seem to automatically judge you as being less worthy unless you're a sporty, jock type. I was the outcast of my peer group. Everyone else belongs, but I was always the sore thumb, the one who stuck out. I made friends with people a year or 2 younger than me with the same interests, but at heart, I still wanted to be accepted by my peers.

I've never really developed good social skills. I'm a wall flower, though I don't actually get invited to parties. I don't drink, or smoke or do drugs. I am the stereotypical uncool nerdy kid. I think I went to all of 2 social gatherings in my entire time at high school. The year 11 Central Australian camp, and the year 12 Social (which I highly regretted going to, because if anything it just emphasised how much of an outcast I was)

After I graduated, things didn't really pick up either. I was in a computer course, but I dropped out of that because they were teaching me things that I already learnt in high school. I ended up bumming around for 6 months with no job and no motivation, until I got an apprenticeship as a pastrychef.

Cue one of the worst years of my life. My boss was a physically and verbally abusive bitch, to put it lightly. I endured it for a year, because my parents were always saying "Just stick it out, it will be worth it in the end."

I snapped after a year, and walked out, never to return again. But alas, I couldn't motivate myself after that, because I was afraid they were all like that. It just felt too hard.

A family friend in that same line of work offered me a job. She was a great boss, and for a year or so, I was actually pretty happy. I mean, I made 1 or 2 really stupid mistakes that nearly lost me it, but I didn't lose it. In the end, I got let go because she couldn't afford to pay me anymore. No regrets or anything.

After that, I felt motivated for the first time in my life. I went out and found another job, not baking or anything, but working in a big cafe. I really enjoyed that job too, but after a couple months, I got let go because they didn't need me anymore.

Now, about the same time the family friend had offered me the job, I became romantically involved with someone for the first time. It was a rather up and down relationship, finally culminating in her leaving me right before Christmas 2008 because she couldn't do it anymore. Her work, uni and abusive mother were all more important than I was. However, she wanted nothing to change except for that fact that we weren't BF/GF. This turned out to be another of my big mistakes.

You see, in April of this year, she finally pushed me over the edge with her emotional abuse and shallow comments, so I told her to leave me alone. She did that for all of one day, and then decided to harass me so that I would talked to her. Her best weapon? Telling me that she was pregnant with my child.

That... seriously ****ed me up. I've always wanted kids, and she was trying to use it as a weapon against me. I asked for proof of the pregnancy. She sent it to my brother, and turned him against me. My own brother was on that bitches side, not mine. I was family. Talk about loyalty. She also threatened to tell my mother as well, and I told her to do it, but she didn't.

In the end, she told me that she got an abortion. I was pretty torn up by this time, as you can imagine. But then it turns out that she was lying.

Lying about the whole thing in an effort to get me back.


So suffice to say, things have been pretty bad since then. I've been through stages of missing her, hating her, then missing her and hating her at the same time. I can't forget her and what she did. She just haunts me, even now.

And now? I am a pretty emotionally battered, untrusting, unforgiving sort of person, thanks to what has happened. Maybe I could have avoided it by being a stronger person? Maybe I could have. But I'm the kind of person who want's to give people what they want =( I want other people to be happy, but I neglect my own happiness in doing so.

TLDR: I'm depressed, somewhat suicidal, and afraid of people in general. Go me.

Thanatos 51-50
2009-07-12, 06:14 AM
Okay, Yuki, I was putting off answering here and hoping someone more competant than me would tackle this post, but it seems like you get me.
Let's try and tackle this Issue-by-issue.


Hello. My name is Yuuki, and I'm a depression-aholic.
Hi, Yuki!


For the past 5 years or possibly longer, I believe that I have been depressed, with fluctuating severity. There have been many incidents where I have considered ending it, but I was talked out of it by several different people who took notice at the time. However, I believe this has just lead to me learning new ways to try and hide it better.
To inadventantly continue to AA similie, admitting you have a probelm is a good first step.
What this example provides evidence of, to me, is people near you noticing and caring. This is an important and good thing. A support network is always good, and as such, you should not attempt to hide things from them. These are people, in your life, who have showed that they care about you, and will go out of their way to help you. Those are among the best types of friends you can have in this multiverese. Don't shun them.


I think I have been stuck in a rut for the past few years. I have made some attempts to break out of it, but it seems that I run into the worst possible people one can find, and they shove me back into it.
Unfortunatly, I have no advice here. The "work/sleep" routine is a common issue lots of us (including myself) have.


I have the classic sob story background, I feel, and I usually don't disclose it because it feels cliched, uninspired, and ultimately, not worthy of telling anyone because it feels like a waste of time.

So yeah, I was one of those kids who was always bullied because they were different. I think from the age of about 9 onwards, I was picked on because I liked reading, and would frequently read my dads 600 page fantasy novels, because they were quite frankly fascinating. I only had a couple of close friends, and I've lost touch with them now unfortunatly.

My nickname at primary school was Bookworm, and it has stuck. Even now, I sometimes see the parents of children I went to primary school with, and that is who they recognise me as. The Bookworm.

High School... really not much different. I Was, and still am, one of those nerdy/geeky types. I make no excuses for that, I am what I am. But still, people seem to automatically judge you as being less worthy unless you're a sporty, jock type. I was the outcast of my peer group. Everyone else belongs, but I was always the sore thumb, the one who stuck out. I made friends with people a year or 2 younger than me with the same interests, but at heart, I still wanted to be accepted by my peers.

I've never really developed good social skills. I'm a wall flower, though I don't actually get invited to parties. I don't drink, or smoke or do drugs. I am the stereotypical uncool nerdy kid. I think I went to all of 2 social gatherings in my entire time at high school. The year 11 Central Australian camp, and the year 12 Social (which I highly regretted going to, because if anything it just emphasised how much of an outcast I was)

Well, Yuki, I'm going to allow you to take all the Knowledge Skills, and maybe some...
Oh, wait. This isn't a character you're making, it's you. While you do have some say-so, you're not the author of your backstory, my friend. Don't be afraid to disclose it for the (real or imagined) cliches contained therein.
More than that, I understand where you're coming from.
Yes, lil' Yuki, I, too, am an outcast reading person who got teased growing up. I made friends with people who did the same thing. But hey, the most important thing about a backstory is that it's just that. Back. Over there. You can leave it behind.


After I graduated, things didn't really pick up either. I was in a computer course, but I dropped out of that because they were teaching me things that I already learnt in high school. I ended up bumming around for 6 months with no job and no motivation, until I got an apprenticeship as a pastrychef.
I understand being bored for being taught things you already knew, but having a fancy certificate saying you know these things is pretty important, too.


Cue one of the worst years of my life. My boss was a physically and verbally abusive bitch, to put it lightly. I endured it for a year, because my parents were always saying "Just stick it out, it will be worth it in the end."

I snapped after a year, and walked out, never to return again. But alas, I couldn't motivate myself after that, because I was afraid they were all like that. It just felt too hard.

A family friend in that same line of work offered me a job. She was a great boss, and for a year or so, I was actually pretty happy. I mean, I made 1 or 2 really stupid mistakes that nearly lost me it, but I didn't lose it. In the end, I got let go because she couldn't afford to pay me anymore. No regrets or anything.
Ouch. If we were still at this point in your life, I'd reccomend legal action against the abusive boss. Good to hear a friend helped you back on your feet. This is the important support network I reffered to earlier.


After that, I felt motivated for the first time in my life. I went out and found another job, not baking or anything, but working in a big cafe. I really enjoyed that job too, but after a couple months, I got let go because they didn't need me anymore.
Motivation is good. Hold on to that. It's helpful. You'll need it.


Now, about the same time the family friend had offered me the job, I became romantically involved with someone for the first time. It was a rather up and down relationship, finally culminating in her leaving me right before Christmas 2008 because she couldn't do it anymore. Her work, uni and abusive mother were all more important than I was. However, she wanted nothing to change except for that fact that we weren't BF/GF. This turned out to be another of my big mistakes.

You see, in April of this year, she finally pushed me over the edge with her emotional abuse and shallow comments, so I told her to leave me alone. She did that for all of one day, and then decided to harass me so that I would talked to her. Her best weapon? Telling me that she was pregnant with my child.

That... seriously ****ed me up. I've always wanted kids, and she was trying to use it as a weapon against me. I asked for proof of the pregnancy. She sent it to my brother, and turned him against me. My own brother was on that bitches side, not mine. I was family. Talk about loyalty. She also threatened to tell my mother as well, and I told her to do it, but she didn't.

In the end, she told me that she got an abortion. I was pretty torn up by this time, as you can imagine. But then it turns out that she was lying.

Lying about the whole thing in an effort to get me back.
We, in the business, relate people with that type of interpersonal communication style to female canines. To be honest, not giving you proof of the pregnancy probably should have been a first clue. I'd have gone to sit by her side when ultrasound time came.


So suffice to say, things have been pretty bad since then. I've been through stages of missing her, hating her, then missing her and hating her at the same time. I can't forget her and what she did. She just haunts me, even now.
This is normal, if emotionally confusing. You'll settle over to the 'hate' or 'dislike' side eventually. Just remember that it was not a good relationship, and she was not a good person (as evidence you've presented here suggested). There were probably good times, as evidenced by your missing of these good times, but the bad seem to have come to the forefront in your post here. I, personally, would suggest, again, going out and meeting people, hooking up with someone else, whatever. Expanding your social circle allows you to amputate the cancers in your old one.


And now? I am a pretty emotionally battered, untrusting, unforgiving sort of person, thanks to what has happened. Maybe I could have avoided it by being a stronger person? Maybe I could have. But I'm the kind of person who want's to give people what they want =( I want other people to be happy, but I neglect my own happiness in doing so.
A strong person doesn't become strong by gritting his teeth and flexing his willpower, he becomes strong by applying force against resitance reptitivly.
No matter how hard he wills it, he will not lay down and bench 300 pounds on his first trip to the gym.
You're more cynical now, but you have alsoa pplied force against resitance and have become a stronger person. I understand the whole "living for others before onesef" mentality, and as soon as I find a way to get myself out of it, I'll let you know.
Giving of oneself, helping others, none of these are sins, none of these are bad. And, despite what my livjournal may suggest (the theory that good people don't actually exist) , you seem like you're a good person. A good, strong, person, who has been taken advantage of a few times. Guess what? you know some of the signs, now, and in the future, you can circumvent or otherwise avoid those leeches.

My PMbox is open. I am not a medical professional.
~Thanatos

FdL
2009-07-12, 02:58 PM
Last night I dreamed of my ex girlfriend. It all ended some two years ago, but I still get these. I woke up feeling pain and loneliness, horribly missing her...


She doesn't answer my calls or doesn't talk to me anymore, even if we didn't break up badly and kept some contact afterwards. I don't know if that was for good or worse, but happened...It was a bit weird for me, still hung up on the relationship and how it ended, so at some point I told her that we shouldn't keep it going like that (it was more complicated than I can tell here, let's just say that it was mainly her who called me and stuff)

I've known for some time that she has some videos of her with her celtic folk band up in youtube and stuff but never got to see it. I feared it might shake up stuff indside, and cause me pain. Well, I did today.

And I feel like dying. Seeing her made my heart race and got me shaking and feeling like throwing up. But I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Now I'm left with this feeling of despair, of emptyness and cold.

I would like to call her, to know of her, to talk some with her. Find some comfort. And there's nothing I can do about it since she doesn't seem to want to know of me anymore.

It hurts me to realise that this woman I'm seeing pictures and videos of in the web is the one that told me that she loved me, and who I kissed and shared my life with. How can two people be so close at one time and then fall apart so abysmally? It seems now as if our love didn't ever exist, as if what I remember as the happiest time of my life was just a mistake, something that shouldn't ever have happened.

And it has left me without an aim, without a reason to go on and do stuff since it happened...I go on with my work, I even tried to date other women, but it's all my way to keep living, in autopilot, because I don't really have the emotional strength to do anything...I can't seem to get up.

Dr. Bath
2009-07-12, 03:57 PM
Last night I dreamed of my ex girlfriend. It all ended some two years ago, but I still get these. I woke up feeling pain and loneliness, horribly missing her...


She doesn't answer my calls or doesn't talk to me anymore, even if we didn't break up badly and kept some contact afterwards. I don't know if that was for good or worse, but happened...It was a bit weird for me, still hung up on the relationship and how it ended, so at some point I told her that we shouldn't keep it going like that (it was more complicated than I can tell here, let's just say that it was mainly her who called me and stuff)

I've known for some time that she has some videos of her with her celtic folk band up in youtube and stuff but never got to see it. I feared it might shake up stuff indside, and cause me pain. Well, I did today.

And I feel like dying. Seeing her made my heart race and got me shaking and feeling like throwing up. But I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Now I'm left with this feeling of despair, of emptyness and cold.

I would like to call her, to know of her, to talk some with her. Find some comfort. And there's nothing I can do about it since she doesn't seem to want to know of me anymore.

It hurts me to realise that this woman I'm seeing pictures and videos of in the web is the one that told me that she loved me, and who I kissed and shared my life with. How can two people be so close at one time and then fall apart so abysmally? It seems now as if our love didn't ever exist, as if what I remember as the happiest time of my life was just a mistake, something that shouldn't ever have happened.

And it has left me without an aim, without a reason to go on and do stuff since it happened...I go on with my work, I even tried to date other women, but it's all my way to keep living, in autopilot, because I don't really have the emotional strength to do anything...I can't seem to get up.

Dang, FdL. Moving on is really the only thing that will help you here, as painful as it is. That seems to be what she is trying to do, by slowly cutting off contact. As you've said, it brings back pain, and people... don't like pain, be it emotional or physical. The best way to see it is that you had the time of your life (thus far! This is important to remember) for a while, and that's fantastic, but things change, people change. For better or for worse they do, and that doesn't mean the whole relationship was a mistake. It was right at the time, but is no longer right. And... that's what you've got to live with. There is always something or someone to live for, even if you can't see it right now. Things can't get better if you don't let them though, and you seem to be stifling the things you have now because the past was 'better' Time can heal most emotional hurts, but you have to let it, and try not to dwell.

I'm sorry there isn't really anything more that I can say (in my own not-particularly-helpful way). :smallfrown:

FdL
2009-07-12, 09:57 PM
Thanks, Bath. I feel a bit better now.

It's just that I have moments of weakness, and I can't handle the loneliness and sadness sometimes.

Elm11
2009-07-13, 08:03 AM
Hello guys, i'm just dropping in for a bit of support today.

Basically, as it goes, i get extensively bullied and beaten down at my school. I'm talking to you towards the end of my holidays, partly because i've given myself some time to work it out properly, instead of throwing you a mad and useless rant in demanding that you make sense of it, i can give you something reasonable to help me out with. The other reason i'm talking to you towards the end of the holiday, is quite honestly, i'm afraid to go back, as in genuine, honest afraid.

Basically, i've always had trouble with bullying. I don't fit in, and if i try, i make a fool of myself, and make things worse. I was bullied as far back as Year 5 primary school. Of course, back then the worst people could pull on you was "you're a doodoo head" and that kind of thing. By now (year 9) Things have gotten much, much worse. I've skipped a year of school, and i'm also a cut-off student. This combination leads many people to think that i'm two years younger than the average year nine age group. I also happen to be slightly overweight, which really doesn't help. I also happen to wear glasses and actually enjoy school, which really doesn't help. I also happen to have a radically different, non sexually obsessed, mature (at least in comparison) and ethical opinion, something that is not shared, and also shunned by many almost All of the people in my year group. I also happen to suck and standing up for myself. i'm quite assertive, but nobody actually takes me seriously. All of these combine to make one hell of a recipe for bullying.

Over the last three years, with increasing severity, the expected has been occuring. It basically just started with little snarky comments, the odd interpretable remark, or a casual attempt to trip me up as i pass someone in a hallway. Unfortunately since then things have shot off the scale. I'll take some of the recent examples from my last school semester. I've had people beat me up (three times) throw my books in school hoppers/soak them/hide them/put fecel matter on the assignment work inside. I've had people attempt to get me beaten up by framing me for various practical jokes against particularly large or violent members of the year group. I've been given concussions, had my USB stolen and destroyed (with assignment due that day on it, thank god i had back-ups) been pickpocketed, and the list goes on.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not just sitting by idly while this occurs. I've been using the school services to the utmost extent to make these people clear off, and to a certain extent, it's worked. The school itself has been most handy in fixing the problem, but the bullies who pick on me have started using less traceble means of getting at me (such as stealing books and things, stuff i can't actually catch them doing).

Unfortunately, i now find myself in a very, very tough position. The school resources have been exhausted. I can't take this into my own hands properly. I can't move schools. The tactic of "ignore the bully and he'll go away" is a complete load of bullocks. So is the idea that "bullies bully because they aren't strong/ they're jelous/they're insecure" is also bullocks. I honestly don't care what specialists say right now, because i've doen everything i've been told to the word, and look where i am now. Over the past three months, i've had 3 complete nervous breakdowns, 2 of them in the course of 1 week.

Basically, what i'm saying, is i need some help, or support, or something. Because as much as i'd like to pretend it isn't, it's getting through to me, and i doubt i can take it for too much longer.

EDIT: There's probably some important piece of information i'm forgetting to tell you all here, so if i add that in later, please don't be too surprised

potatocubed
2009-07-13, 10:44 AM
Alright Elm, let's see what I can do to help.

EDIT: I didn't see your location earlier, and assumed from the Year 9 references that you were in the UK. The advice should still be okay, if you replace 'GCSEs' with 'whatever exams 16-year-old Australians have to take'.

Fifteen years ago, I was where you are now. I managed to avoid the worst of it through egregious, horrifying violence, but I'm not sure that's a workable solution for you. (To be honest, I'm not sure it was a workable solution for me, but that's another matter entirely.)

So: what about you? Here are some thoughts, in no particular order.

First of all, I promise you that life gets better. Not until you're at least done with your GCSEs, I'm afraid, but it improves pretty damn sharply after that. If nothing else, hang on to that hope: Life Gets Better.

More immediately... have you tried talking to your parents? Try telling them what you told us. Tell them that you can't go back to school because you're afraid for your life, your sanity, or both. Your parents don't have to shift you to another school, they can just take you out of school completely. It happened to a friend of mine when I was fifteen, who took the bullying worse than I did. They can arrange to teach you themselves, they can hire a private tutor, or you can teach yourself - GCSEs are easy, and going to school in order to pass them is not even vaguely required. The council will have some sort of check-up scheme but those are easy to work with (or around, depending on your prediliction).

If your parents aren't sympathetic, stop going to school. Just... stop. Go to the library and read educational books instead. You will get picked up one way or another, but your aim here is twofold. First, you have to show everyone concerned that you are serious about not going back to school. If you are returned to school despite protestations that you're in fear for your life and/or sanity, leave. Walk off the premises and go somewhere else. Keep doing this, and keep explaining yourself, until you get permission to do so.

Second, your aim is to come across not as a whiny, difficult kid but as a responsible adult who is doing the best they can in the face of a difficult situation. As a teenager, your maturity is constantly in question - by holding it together and being as calm and rational as you can when you're explaining your situation for the eleventy-hundredth time you can reinforce that you are handling it with the adult part of your brain rather than the kiddy part or the raging hormones. Practice saying it: No, you're not going to stay in school if they take you back. Yes, you want an education. No, the anti-bullying policy can't help you any more.

Essentially, you're being squeezed between a rock and a hard place at the moment. The bullies aren't going to stop or back down, but the adults might if you can engage us on the right terms. If you need help with those terms, drop me a PM and I'll clarify as best I can.

Faulty
2009-07-13, 11:20 AM
I'm angry so often and I don't know why. I think about violence a lot and get snappy. Two days ago my brother was slightly rude to me, but not too much, yet I spouted expletives at him. I dunno why, I just snap sometimes. Lately I've felt cold a lot.

The Rose Dragon
2009-07-13, 12:03 PM
I'm angry so often and I don't know why. I think about violence a lot and get snappy. Two days ago my brother was slightly rude to me, but not too much, yet I spouted expletives at him. I dunno why, I just snap sometimes. Lately I've felt cold a lot.

There's nothing wrong with using expletives when you're stressed.

Unless you insulted his mother and / or father, in which case it could get awkward. :smalltongue:

Did you consider seeing a psychologist about it? If you can afford it and / or can find a free one, it could help.

Faulty
2009-07-13, 12:51 PM
Well you got targeted by some of my anger in the veggie thread. : \ I see a therapist, we haven't talked about my aggression lately. I just don't understand why I'm aggressive all the time. Not sure what to do about it.

The Rose Dragon
2009-07-13, 02:27 PM
Well you got targeted by some of my anger in the veggie thread. : \ I see a therapist, we haven't talked about my aggression lately. I just don't understand why I'm aggressive all the time. Not sure what to do about it.

Meh, I'm a laid back guy.

Did it start recently or was it a chronic aggression?

mercurymaline
2009-07-13, 03:34 PM
I need AA. So much of my regular human interaction seems to be alcohol-based, and I'm always somewhere on the scale from hostile to prison. I know I have to stop. But I'm afraid that all the **** things I do and say when I'm drunk, are just the things I wanna do and say anyway, and that I'm just using alcohol as a means of apologizing later, and that I'm really just a **** person hiding behind vodka so my ****ness isn't "my fault."

Pyrian
2009-07-13, 03:46 PM
It's perfectly normal to have thoughts and feelings that are not polite to share in public and that should not be expressed. The fact that alcohol sometimes lets these out is a problem with the consumption of alcohol, not a problem with inner feelings. ...Indeed, I might even hazard a guess that that entire line of thought is essentially a rationalization to avoid the conclusion that you really do have a problem with alcohol, since that sort of a thing is a huge problem with addictions of all kinds.

Personally not a big fan of AA in particular, but if your drinking is straining your relationships it really is time to try and do something about it.

Ninja Chocobo
2009-07-13, 05:15 PM
The advice should still be okay, if you replace 'GCSEs' with 'whatever exams 16-year-old Australians have to take'.

School Certificate. Easy as sod and less than meaningless.
That said, once you get it you could leave and do your HSC at whatever Canberra's equivalent of TAFE is.

Also, try giving them less access to your stuff. Bring to school only the books you need that day and keep them with you at all times, that sort of thing.