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PairO'Dice Lost
2009-07-23, 01:04 PM
The tangent below in another thread turned up an interesting question:


Gaining 2 gp breaks Vow of Poverty


they just have to donate the gold.


That's contingent on not having Asmodeus for a DM, though.


If you had Asmodeus as a DM, you wouldn't fall for gaining gold--he'd almost tell you you fall, but reconsider at the last minute, and do this every time you gained anything valuable, leaving you stewing in terror every time you pass by something of value. That's more his style.


Mephistopheles, then. :smalltongue:
What do you think the DMing styles of various iconic powers in the D&D cosmology would be? Would Olidammara include three bazillion traps in his dungeons? Would Orcus specialize all NPC wizards in Conjuration and Necromancy? How would Pelor handle resurrection?

You decide and tell us!

Kzickas
2009-07-23, 01:07 PM
Illmater would be the dm of darths and droids

Darcand
2009-07-23, 02:02 PM
Lloth would expect her players to immediately begin killing each other to see which one gets to be her favorite

RTGoodman
2009-07-23, 02:05 PM
You know all those really stupid things that shouldn't work, but by RAW they do? Like drowning your dying friends to get them back to 0 HP (or whatever it is).

Yeah, that's the kind of game you get with Helm as a DM.

13_CBS
2009-07-23, 02:07 PM
Yeah, that's the kind of game you get with Helm as a DM.

That might explain why Tyr killed him.

"What do you mean the kobold wills me out of existence?!"

Xefas
2009-07-23, 02:10 PM
Bel would create a steady flow of new incoming houserules until one day you realize you've actually been playing a slightly refluffed variation of Warhammer Fantasy for the past 3 years.

Because that's the game he likes, but he was too shy to tell everyone outright.

Now, can you imagine him painting a Squig?

EDIT: "Graagh, godamnit! I keep getting the Liche Purple in the eyes! I wanted the eyes to be Scab Red! WHERE IS MY DETAIL BRUSH?!"

quick_comment
2009-07-23, 02:10 PM
Hextor is the DM of the rings.

oxybe
2009-07-23, 02:13 PM
a game with Boccob as GM would come grinding to a halt when a rule is questionned or brought to light (IE: how does X work again, how does Y work with Z, etc) and he secludes himself in his library for the next few weeks to search up the various references to the rule and the perimeter rules that could affect it and come to a ruling.

Kord would stage the grandest Hack'n'slash dungeon crawl ever. everyone who survives gets ale & wenches.

Oracle_Hunter
2009-07-23, 02:14 PM
Personally, I'd like to have Crom (http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp09032008.shtml) as a DM :smallbiggrin:

Mando Knight
2009-07-23, 02:15 PM
Bahamut: every other encounter is against either a chromatic dragon or someone affiliated with them. RAW is rather strictly adhered to, and the circumstances of every part of the campaign favors Paladins and their friends.

Darwin
2009-07-23, 02:20 PM
Ehlonna would demand for the game to be held outside, then proceed to tell you to stop squishing the ants crawling all over your character sheet.

quick_comment
2009-07-23, 02:25 PM
Vecna would only DM paranoia.

arguskos
2009-07-23, 02:40 PM
Vecna would only DM paranoia.
He would kill you for breaking character too, and would only accept $20's for mercy.

Savras would RP for you. When Beshaba DM's, you'll never roll better than a 5.

AstralFire
2009-07-23, 02:41 PM
Ao (DM): As you pass the plague-ridden farm, you are filled with a sense of regret that you can do nothin-
Cleric: Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Ao (DM): For?
Cleric: I'm a cleric, right?
Ao (DM): You think? What does it say on the sheet?
Cleric: Well... I prepared lots of Mass Remove Disease today.
Ninja: What? Why?
Cleric: Well... Ever since that unfortunate incident with you and the wererat-
Ninja: It was just ONE TIME. ONE TIME.
Wilder: It was fun nuking all of those little ugly yous-
Ninja: Shut up!
Cleric: Anyway, I was thinking I could help out with the crops and all.
Ao (DM): Look, you're an 18th level cleric. You've got more important crap to do than this. So, as you pass the plague-ridden farm-
Cleric: Look, I am Neutral Good. I don't care enough about this convocation I signed up for to mind being a little bit late so I can help the farm.
Ao (DM): You'll be more than a little bit late. There are uh... evil clerics holding the farm hostage.
Cleric: EVEN BETTER! XP! ROLL INITIATIVE!
Ninja: XP!
Crusader: XP!
Wilder: XP!
Ao (DM): Guys, look, I agreed to DM for you if you didn't-
Cleric: 31 on Init!
Ninja: 37!
Crusader: ...sigh... 17...
Ao (DM): That's it. Screw you guys. you can find a new DM.

- a month later -

Rogue (formerly Ninja): (in a monotone, tired voice) With a spin of his trusty shortsword, he spins and stabs the guy in the gut. Again.
Sharess (DM): ...-glares-...
Rogue (formerly Ninja): And uh... it's very graceful. Sword flashing in the setting sun and all that.
Sharess (DM): Such a beautiful description! Isn't this so much more fun than wasting time with complex rules, guys? Right, well, you get... 10 extra XP for such a vivid description!
Cleric: How close to level 3?
Sorcerer (formerly Wilder): Stop asking, you don't want to know...

Zeta Kai
2009-07-23, 02:56 PM
Kord would stage the grandest Hack'n'slash dungeon crawl ever. everyone who survives gets ale & wenches.

I've had Kord as a DM before, & yeah, it's just like that. Only it's pizza & Coke. I can't complian, though, because he bought the food.

Erythnul would only DM F.A.T.A.L.

Olidammara would only DM World of Darkness.

Lost Demiurge
2009-07-23, 03:09 PM
Bane would DM first edition. ONLY first edition. If you didn't have the rules, he would make you buy them. With your own money. Gods help anyone who dares to show up with a printed out torrent...

You would sit at your designated spot at the table, and be there at precisely 1500 on thursdays. Any deviations would not be tolerated.

The strongest player would be designated the enforcer. If you were late, he would go out and find you, and ensure that you are ENCOURAGED to be on time. If the enforcer fails, then he himself is disciplined.

Bane would not run for females. They would be relegated to serving refreshments for the players.

You would NOT roll dice until Bane asked you to roll.

You would NOT infringe on another player's space, or Bane's space. You would have a two-foot by one-foot area of tabletop to work with. That is all.

He would put a veneer of roleplaying over the game, but ultimately you have no real choice in major campaign issues. The plot would be a railroad, full of fighting. Lots of fighting.

Mind you, the fights would be awesome and accompanied by dark riffs on Bane's electric guitar, and be full of ROCK, but eventually you will realize that they're pretty meaningless. But by then you'll be too busy surviving.

Oh, and if you show that you're a rules-lawyer or powergamer, he will laugh and claim your soul.

"You were mine to begin with, little man... This simply makes it official."

RTGoodman
2009-07-23, 03:11 PM
Personally, I'd like to have Crom (http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp09032008.shtml) as a DM :smallbiggrin:

Yeah, but when you show up before Crom for sessions, it's always "What is the Riddle of this?" and "What is the Riddle of that?" and when you don't know, he casts you out of his house and laughs at you!

I hate when DMs throws puzzles at you! :smallmad:

Sidenote: I've watched both Conan the Barbarian AND Conan the Destroyer in the past two day. ;-)

Belobog
2009-07-23, 03:18 PM
Olidammara would only DM World of Darkness.

Does this mean Ioun would only run Mage?

(Boccob, of course, would be too lame to run anything.)

Doc Roc
2009-07-23, 03:22 PM
Bel would create a steady flow of new incoming houserules until one day you realize you've actually been playing a slightly refluffed variation of Warhammer Fantasy for the past 3 years.

Because that's the game he likes, but he was too shy to tell everyone outright.

Now, can you imagine him painting a Squig?

"Graagh, godamnit! I keep getting the Liche Purple in the eyes! I wanted the eyes to be Scab Red! WHERE IS MY DETAIL BRUSH?!"

Sigged in total.

Edit: Had to clip it to keep my sig of legal length. :S

Tiki Snakes
2009-07-23, 03:25 PM
Bane would DM first edition. ONLY first edition. If you didn't have the rules, he would make you buy them. With your own money. Gods help anyone who dares to show up with a printed out torrent...

You would sit at your designated spot at the table, and be there at precisely 1500 on thursdays. Any deviations would not be tolerated.

The strongest player would be designated the enforcer. If you were late, he would go out and find you, and ensure that you are ENCOURAGED to be on time. If the enforcer fails, then he himself is disciplined.

Bane would not run for females. They would be relegated to serving refreshments for the players.

You would NOT roll dice until Bane asked you to roll.

You would NOT infringe on another player's space, or Bane's space. You would have a two-foot by one-foot area of tabletop to work with. That is all.

He would put a veneer of roleplaying over the game, but ultimately you have no real choice in major campaign issues. The plot would be a railroad, full of fighting. Lots of fighting.

Mind you, the fights would be awesome and accompanied by dark riffs on Bane's electric guitar, and be full of ROCK, but eventually you will realize that they're pretty meaningless. But by then you'll be too busy surviving.

Oh, and if you show that you're a rules-lawyer or powergamer, he will laugh and claim your soul.

"You were mine to begin with, little man... This simply makes it official."

I imagine 4th ed generic bane would be a little different from the above. He'd run something like Iron Kingdoms or Conan, something very martial. He'd be damn strict, probably insist on making decisions in real-time, and so on.

But I see him allowing you to choose your own direction in the world, (as long as it involved conquest, fighting, conflict etc.) but the world would be bleak, disordered, crying out for a strong fist to guide it.

Of course, anyone who failed to be interested in raising armies would earn his displeasure. You'd be taken into a side room, and be told in no uncertain terms why you are a bad person, weak and pathetic. Shape up or ship out, soldier.

Anyone who manages to stand a chance against the genius military manouvering of the BBEG's forces would be promptly enlisted, of course. :)

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2009-07-23, 03:36 PM
Malcontet would be either the worst, or best DM ever.
See, her games would involve 1 of 2 scenarios.

Scenario1:
Everyone plays a bard. The group has to go to a great big Bard get together. Then, well, because they're bards, everyone is seducing everyone thinking they have the upper hand in some sort of mind game.
After this big event, everyone leaves confused, excepting the bards, whom leave for some reason they can't possibly understand, feeling sexually satisfied, whether or not they got laid.

Scenario2:
[censored]

Yeah. Probably something like that, my money is on scenario 2.

quick_comment
2009-07-23, 03:43 PM
Pun-pun would run games of munchkin.

Every game with Mystra would be the same. Stuff would happen, and then Eleminster would come save you.

Doc Roc
2009-07-23, 03:47 PM
Actually, Pun-Pun would run D&D 3.5. And does.

I suggest to you that Pun-Pun is the reference implementation of the DaD-GM-3.X.X standard, and represents the classically accepted mid-range practical optimization settings, including some of the more popular fixes for bad classes.

It's the Air Weirds that I worry about, personally.

ZeroNumerous
2009-07-23, 03:59 PM
(Boccob, of course, would be too lame to run anything.)

Bah, screw that. The Uncaring would run whatever, whenever and for whomever. The only downside is that all his games contain no story and he doesn't care whether the PCs live or die.

Doc Roc
2009-07-23, 04:01 PM
I posit that they contain every story, and he doesn't care if the players themselves go mad or not.

quick_comment
2009-07-23, 04:15 PM
Is there a Kafka-esque god?


"Strange things happen, you feel alone and helpless in an uncaring and vast universe"

Doc Roc
2009-07-23, 04:17 PM
Pelor, you mean? ;)

Serious answer: I'm not pulling any good ones off the top of my head. The deities of madness always seem to devolve into sociopathic killers in forgotten realms, rather than what I more closely associate with a descent into insanity which is Kafka, HP Lovecraft, and Skip Williams.

HamsterOfTheGod
2009-07-23, 05:01 PM
What do you think the DMing styles of various iconic powers in the D&D cosmology would be? Would Olidammara include three bazillion traps in his dungeons? Would Orcus specialize all NPC wizards in Conjuration and Necromancy? How would Pelor handle resurrection?

You decide and tell us!

Player: Hey that's not fair. I really don't want my character to fall like that.
Asmodeus: But I have no choice, see? I have to follow the rules. I am lawful after all and 2 gp is 2 gp...
Player: Please...
Asmodeus: Well, I'm we can come to some arrangement...

Player: Hey that's not fair. I really don't want my character to fall like that.
Llolth: But the game is all about the choices nad chance. You choose an action. Then you roll the dice...
Player: Please...
Llolth: Well, I'm we can come to some arrangement...

The New Bruceski
2009-07-23, 05:03 PM
Vecna would be constantly screwing players for not knowing every little detail. "Of COURSE the third chest was trapped. Everyone knows that Organile the Green dragon detests the number three, because of the three heroes that killed her mate! Lose six levels as the dark energies suck out your soul. Oh yeah, lose your soul too."

RTGoodman
2009-07-23, 05:13 PM
Oh yeah, lose your soul too."

And that's OUT of character. :smalltongue:


For some other deities:

-The Raven Queen: Every game ends with a TPK. When players complain, she explains that it's just their Fate.

-Moradin: He's all about Creation - the system is one he made, the classes/races/spells are all homebrewed, and gods forbid you bring a miniature and dice that you didn't forge/carve yourself!

-Tiamat: Whoever tempts her with the best stuff gets the best in-game loot. Cheetos and Mountain Dew don't count.

Mando Knight
2009-07-23, 05:46 PM
Corellon: Think of the most Elf-centric campaign you've ever played. Now make the elves five times more right and beautiful, and any dark elves five times more nasty and evil. Arcane Archers get full casting progression, and most loot will be light armor, longswords, rapiers, and longbows. Expect lots of the puzzles to be dependent on arcane magic.

Red Knight (http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Red_Knight): Mostly combat with a strategic element that can swing the battle either way. If you tick her off, every battle starts to look more and more like Tucker's Kobolds.

Doc Roc
2009-07-23, 05:46 PM
-Tiamat: Whoever tempts her with the best stuff gets the best in-game loot. Cheetos and Mountain Dew don't count.

Deific metabolism says that oooohhh yes they do. There'd just better be enough for five. :)



Red Knight (http://forgottenrealms.wikia.com/wiki/Red_Knight): Mostly combat with a strategic element that can swing the battle either way. If you tick her off, every battle starts to look more and more like Tucker's Kobolds.


There's a really good reason most of us Char-Op people like Red Knight's fluff..........

chiasaur11
2009-07-23, 05:56 PM
Tempus would make chicken noises if you try to solve problems with diplomacy and nerf wizards.

He'd also do the classic DM hammer if you start ganking hapless shopkeepers.

Omegonthesane
2009-07-23, 05:58 PM
Pale Night would only run Call of Cthulhu. Or maybe D&D 3.5 where her aspects as statted in FC1 run around naked all over the world.
Oh, and chaotic evil alienists would get double spellcasting progression. Which wouldn't help, because she'd also rule extreme sanity loss from spellcasting.

Night Monkey
2009-07-23, 06:05 PM
Vecna would construct a system where random outcomes are determined not by the throw of the dice, but by rolling his eye across the table. Of course, only he would know what the result meant.

Bhaal would construct a system where the only possible outcome of any action is somebody's death, possibly your own, possibly IC.

Fharlanghn would make the players roleplay all travelling in real time. This might involve actually walking for eight hours to another player's house, and continuing the game there.

Thor would insist on players drinking beer for a number of seconds equal to the number of hit points they lose on any attack, aka drinking games. The DM would have to drink for damage dealt to all NPCs. Unrelatedly, he'd set the game at epic level.

13_CBS
2009-07-23, 06:14 PM
Thor would insist on players drinking beer for a number of seconds equal to the number of hit points they lose on any attack, aka drinking games. The DM would have to drink for damage dealt to all NPCs. Unrelatedly, he'd set the game at epic level.


If you decide to use the mythological Thor, then...

1) Dwarves will get gimped. Badly. -10 penalty to Charisma, for starters.

2) 95% of all combat encounters will be frost giants. The other 5% will be large snakes.

3) Warhammers, mysteriously, will deal 2d10 damage and have a 15-20/x4 crit.

4) Every campaign will feature a large, strong, bearded man who does everything and gets all the credit for doing so.

5) Anyone paying for food will inevitably go broke by the third session.

6) Like Tempus, the DM will make chicken noises for trying to solve any problem without the application of hammers.

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2009-07-23, 06:23 PM
If you decide to use the mythological Thor, then...

1) Dwarves will get gimped. Badly. -10 penalty to Charisma, for starters.

2) 95% of all combat encounters will be frost giants. The other 5% will be large snakes.

3) Warhammers, mysteriously, will deal 2d10 damage and have a 15-20/x4 crit.

4) Every campaign will feature a large, strong, bearded man who does everything and gets all the credit for doing so.

5) Anyone paying for food will inevitably go broke by the third session.

6) Like Tempus, the DM will make chicken noises for trying to solve any problem without the application of hammers.

7) All players trying to formulate a sneaky plan will have to do so in drag. (And not the good kind. We're talking Ru Paul here.)

Guancyto
2009-07-23, 06:31 PM
Well, if we're not sticking with D&D gods any more...

Tzeentch would either run the very best or the absolute worst intrigue campaigns ever. He would also change his house rules mid-play without telling you.

Khorne would give large circumstance bonuses for shouting loudly, remove all restrictions on Barbarian and Frenzied Berserker classes and give them Shock Trooper for free.

I would strongly prefer not to speculate on the sessions Slaanesh would run.

Woodsman
2009-07-23, 06:31 PM
Kurtulmalak would run a kobold-only campaign based on kobolds not only destroying the gnomes, but taking over the world en masse in the process.

Poseidon would run an all-underwater campaign. With lots of tridents.

Belobog
2009-07-23, 06:33 PM
Bah, screw that. The Uncaring would run whatever, whenever and for whomever. The only downside is that all his games contain no story and he doesn't care whether the PCs live or die.

So timed games of the Tomb of Horrors in GURPS, then?

...You know, now I wonder...

Zeful
2009-07-23, 06:39 PM
a game with Boccob as GM would come grinding to a halt when a rule is questionned or brought to light (IE: how does X work again, how does Y work with Z, etc) and he secludes himself in his library for the next few weeks to search up the various references to the rule and the perimeter rules that could affect it and come to a ruling.

Kord would stage the grandest Hack'n'slash dungeon crawl ever. everyone who survives gets ale & wenches.

Baccob's a god of knowledge, he'd know your question weeks in advance, and be able to respond with the appropriate answer.

quick_comment
2009-07-23, 06:40 PM
Zeus would allow only core and the Book of Erotic Fantasy

Olidarma would run an extended version of the Tomb of Horrors.

RTGoodman
2009-07-23, 09:59 PM
Kurtulmalak would run a kobold-only campaign based on kobolds not only destroying the gnomes, but taking over the world en masse in the process.

We actually played that campaign when I was in college. Probably my favorite D&D game I've ever played, overall. :smalltongue:

Ellardin
2009-07-23, 10:06 PM
Pelor : Would give those that are ressurected by his clerics a boost instead of the -1 to character level .

ZeroNumerous
2009-07-23, 10:06 PM
So timed games of the Tomb of Horrors in GURPS, then?

...You know, now I wonder...

His 50+ INT and Knowledge domain would let him do it. On top of that, he'd be making improvements on the original ToH to make it even harder to survive while stating every creature that you will encounter. In his head. Without books or paper. In real time.

chiasaur11
2009-07-23, 10:09 PM
Garl Glittergold would have the most irritating campaign ever, say it was all a gag, and be surprised when you punch his stupid face in at the end of it.

PairO'Dice Lost
2009-07-23, 10:11 PM
Well, if we're not sticking with D&D gods any more...

Tzeentch would either run the very best or the absolute worst intrigue campaigns ever. He would also change his house rules mid-play without telling you.

Khorne would give large circumstance bonuses for shouting loudly, remove all restrictions on Barbarian and Frenzied Berserker classes and give them Shock Trooper for free.

I would strongly prefer not to speculate on the sessions Slaanesh would run.

Thor is technically a D&D god, since he appears in D&DG...but I'll let it go this time. :smallwink:


Great ideas, guys; keep 'em coming!

Myrmex
2009-07-23, 10:22 PM
Vecna would be constantly screwing players for not knowing every little detail. "Of COURSE the third chest was trapped. Everyone knows that Organile the Green dragon detests the number three, because of the three heroes that killed her mate! Lose six levels as the dark energies suck out your soul. Oh yeah, lose your soul too."

Sounds almost... Gygaxian.

FoE
2009-07-23, 10:39 PM
Vecna would construct a system where random outcomes are determined not by the throw of the dice, but by rolling his eye across the table. Of course, only he would know what the result meant.

Vecna would be a terrible DM because he would never give the PCs all the information they needed.

The Raven Queen would forbid resurrection. If you died, you rolled up a new character or became a revenant. Clerics and paladins would be a must, since you'd probably be facing an undead-heavy campaign that ultimately wound up facing Orcus. Expect a lot of gothic themes. Extra XP for wearing black.

Ditto on the undead-heavy campaign for Orcus, except you wouldn't be fighting the undead. Each player has to open a vein to fill a drinking goblet for Orcus to sip; in-game sacrifices are a must.

Demogorgon would be a good DM for large groups (especially ones favouring evil campaigns) because he could run two games at the same time. Put him against one group, however, and he'd be constantly arguing with himself.

Aameul: You see ... orcs!
Hethradiah: No, goblins!
Aameul: Orcs!
Hethradiah: Goblins!

On the other hand, he'd probably eat you.

Surprisingly, Asmodeus would let you play good PCs. Just don't expect the finish the campaign with the alignment you started with. And expect Asmodeus to fudge a few rolls while you're distracted by all the scantily-clad succubi lounging around.

He's not a D&D god, but don't get in a game with Cthulhu as DM. He eats 1d6 players per round.

Kallisti
2009-07-23, 10:50 PM
Cthulhu thinks the Madness and Sanity rules from Unearthed Arcana are way to soft.

He'll gladly DM Call of Cthulhu, but don't take him up on it. He LARPS.

kjones
2009-07-23, 11:10 PM
Garl Glittergold would have the most irritating campaign ever, say it was all a gag, and be surprised when you punch his stupid face in at the end of it.

The whole thing would be an illusion, like that one dungeon in Baldur's Gate II.

ThaliasRatheron
2009-07-24, 01:43 AM
Ilmater would be the nicest DM ever. He'd always make sure you were having fun, that everything wasn't too hard, and would help the characters out if tragedy fell.

Ilmater: Do you have enough equipment for this dungeon? Are you sure? I wouldn't want you guys to get hurt.

Mask would be fun to have DMing a campaign, I think. It'd be full of all sorts of intricate plots, subtlety, and general skullduggery. Though he'd probably end up mocking you through the entire session, so it might get a little annoying after a while.

Sanguine
2009-07-24, 01:45 AM
Ilmater would be the nicest DM ever. He'd always make sure you were having fun, that everything wasn't too hard, and would help the characters out if tragedy fell.

Ilmater: Do you have enough equipment for this dungeon? Are you sure? I wouldn't want you guys to get hurt.

Mask would be fun to have DMing a campaign, I think. It'd be full of all sorts of intricate plots, subtlety, and general skullduggery. Though he'd probably end up mocking you through the entire session, so it might get a little annoying after a while.

Man now I want to play both of these games.:smallfrown:

ThaliasRatheron
2009-07-24, 01:49 AM
Haha, I agree! ^_^

Though a DM being too nice takes out some of the fun. If there isn't a sense of danger, where your actions can have real and very deadly consequences, some of the thrill goes with it. But there's also a distinction between ensuring your players are having fun, and care bearing them. As to Mask's campaign... sign me up :smallbiggrin: I would play that campaign from here to next Tuesday. And back again.

Sanguine
2009-07-24, 01:52 AM
Haha, I agree! ^_^

Though a DM being too nice takes out some of the fun. If there isn't a sense of danger, where your actions can have real and very deadly consequences, some of the thrill goes with it. But there's also a distinction between ensuring your players are having fun, and care bearing them. As to Mask's campaign... sign me up :smallbiggrin: I would play that campaign from here to next Tuesday. And back again.

I agree. Now if only Mask were real and willing to DM.(Ilmater to)

Harperfan7
2009-07-24, 02:52 AM
Wizard (PC): ...huh, turns out this crazy elf chick was actually a drow, see how her form reverted when we killed her? She didn't have it on her, but now we're one step closer to finding the sunscepter! You know what this means...
Rogue (PC): To the UNDERDARK!
Pelor (DM): ...the what?



Fighter (PC): So he was actually a town guard in disguise, and not a guild thief?
St. Cuthbert (DM): Correct.
Fighter (PC): Damn. Well, I still need to kill those guild thieves, and I used two potions on this guy, so I'm going to need some money. I loot his corpse.
St. Cuthbert (DM): No, no you don't.
Fighter (PC): ...yes I do.
St. Cuthbert (DM): Does your guy have high electricity resistance?
Fighter (PC): You wouldn't.
St. Cuthbert (DM): I know what you're thinkin'. Is he serious, or just joking? Well, this is the most powerful lightning mace in the world. It will shock your head clean off. So you gotta ask yourself one question.
Fighter (PC): What?
St. Cuthbert (DM): Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

AslanCross
2009-07-24, 03:30 AM
He's not a D&D god, but don't get in a game with Cthulhu as DM. He eats 1d6 players per round.

I thought Cthulhu was a statted god way back in old editions.

PairO'Dice Lost
2009-07-24, 07:41 AM
I thought Cthulhu was a statted god way back in old editions.

He was, along with the others in his mythos. 1e D&DG all the way!

king.com
2009-07-24, 08:30 AM
Well, if we're not sticking with D&D gods any more...

Tzeentch would either run the very best or the absolute worst intrigue campaigns ever. He would also change his house rules mid-play without telling you.

Khorne would give large circumstance bonuses for shouting loudly, remove all restrictions on Barbarian and Frenzied Berserker classes and give them Shock Trooper for free.

I would strongly prefer not to speculate on the sessions Slaanesh would run.

Nurgle would have all PCs permanently poisened and diseased and the level will increase 1d6 every day. All this spreads to any NPC with 1d100 meters. And you dont want to know what he did to the drinks.

Also Slaanesh gaming sessions would ROCK.

Lord Loss
2009-07-24, 09:32 AM
Jubilex would make everyone play an Ooze. In a swamp. Full of Gnomes!

AstralFire
2009-07-24, 09:35 AM
Also Slaanesh gaming sessions would ROCK.

Ugh, no. Just... completely squick.

woodenbandman
2009-07-24, 09:54 AM
If Odin were a DM he would run a railroad plot where everyone is unable to cast magic, and all must play bearded norsemen. He would continually go down into the game (referring to himself as Odin) and give the players "advice" as to how they should continue next. He may appear as anything. They never question the fact that it's actually Odin, oddly enough.

From his seat in valhalla, he knows all. He would stop people from rolling, claiming to know what the outcome would be. Whether he actually does or not is irrelevant; players gave up on dice long ago.

Player: "Okay, let's see. Does a 2-"
Odin: "Yes."
Player: "Okay. I do-"
Odin: "19 damage. Modified after damage reduction."
Player: "Wow, that's still a lot! Did I-"
Odin: "Score a critical hit? No. But you forgot to add your sneak attack in the first round of combat."
Player: "Stupid all-knowing seat."

Seeing as how he knows the outcome, he gives the players the option at the start of the campaign to "just skip ahead to the next campaign, as this one will end poorly." He does this every campaign. They all end "poorly."

"Poor" in Odin's case is defined as the players defeating a great evil scourge on the land and ascending to Valhalla in time for the Ragnarok, during which they are killed. The players still play with him, in the faint hope that one day, the Ragnarok WILL happen, and they will finally be able to play some other game... maybe like Star Wars or Dark Heresy.

TheLibrarian
2009-07-24, 10:01 AM
Aires would play only one campaign, destroy Athens, while Athena sat nearby, he would constantly try and mock her and she would look upon him and the players with disdain. If any players tried to switch sides during the game they would be beaten, sometimes IC.

If Zeus played a game with female players each session would end with roll to check if they were pregnant.

Edited because I am stupid...

AstralFire
2009-07-24, 10:04 AM
If Zeus played a game with female characters each session would end with roll to check if they were pregnant.

Does that mean that I was DMed by Zeus (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=115531)?

TheLibrarian
2009-07-24, 10:09 AM
Does that mean that I was DMed by Zeus (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=115531)?

Well kind of, but I didn't mean the character.
Muahaha now it's fixed, no one has to know of the mistake!

Irreverent Fool
2009-07-24, 10:11 AM
Olidammara: You would never know he was DM'ing your game. He would be disguised as some other god, or an old traveller, or a young traveller, or a princess, or a king, or an armadillo...

Or he would be himself and the game would be great but nobody would ever remember what happened because they would all have been distracted by the out-of character talk (which was hilarious) and then arguing over the pizza bill who he convinced everyone that one of the other players was going to pay for. Meanwhile, he skips town and is never heard from again.

obnoxious
sig

AstralFire
2009-07-24, 10:18 AM
Well kind of, but I didn't mean the character.
Muahaha now it's fixed, no one has to know of the mistake!

I quoted the original. *tweaks your nose*

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2009-07-24, 10:49 AM
Hercules's's's's's''s games would be horrible. Every session would involve the entire group playing infallible paladins on a constant quest to beat the ever loving stuffing out of Hera.
When asked he would deny any and all hard feelings and say it's just coincidence. Oddly however, every person the PC's fall in love with will be killed, both in game and out. God help you if you try and cheat just once.

Igg'wilv's games will be lengthy, monotonous, and boring. Every game will have you starting in one of the nine hells, working for some demon. Every time you encounter a demon she will go into a horribly lengthy lecture of every aspect of the demon, down to it's nineteen stomachs and what exactly they do.
Should anyone even think of asking her to skip the lecture, they will be cast into the Far Realm.
And she refuses to order pizza, that crap will grow straight to your thighs.

TheLibrarian
2009-07-24, 11:51 AM
I quoted the original. *tweaks your nose*

CURSE YOU!...
Also, NEVER bring your girlfriend to a game DM'ed by Zeus...

Zeful
2009-07-24, 12:15 PM
CURSE YOU!...
Also, NEVER bring your girlfriend to a game DM'ed by Zeus...

Or be female. You might be accosted by a shower of gold coins or a large animal on the way home.

KazilDarkeye
2009-07-24, 12:18 PM
Bel: Would prefer war games to RPing.

Dispater: Would have a lead DM screen (to block X-Rays), keep the table very well lit (so the hidden security cameras/laser turrets would always have a clear shot of/at the PCs faces) and sit with his back to the wall, 3f.t. away from a secret escape route.
Also his room would look bigger on the inside than on the outside.
All of his games would be Paranoia-style detective-y games in which the conspiracies always go straight to the top.

Mammon: Has gold/jeweled dice. character sheets, DM screen, e.t.c - to the point where pretty much everything is unreadable. Would be completely two-faced to the point of some characters losing bonus XP within 2 minutes of gaining it. Would ignore all rules about encumberence when it applies to coins, gems, e.t.c.

Belial: Would listen at the door if Fierna was DMing. Would complain about Fierna if he was DMing.

Baalzebul: Would have a picture of Mephistopheles getting stabbed on the back of his DM screen. Underneath the slime.

More later, perhaps.

Alejandro
2009-07-24, 12:19 PM
I would tell you how a game GMed by Dionysus turned out, but I cannot remember and have a terrible headache.

Umael
2009-07-24, 12:33 PM
I think Wes Ja would be a pretty cool DM.

She would never fudge the dice rolls, have a lot of undead and a high chance of in-character deaths. In fact, she probably would have the characters die several times over the course of the game, and have at least one TPK.

However, death is only the beginning, even with a TPK. The characters will "wake" up to find that they have been resurrected or animated with limited will or something that allows them to finish the campaign.

Also, necromantic spells and undead templates would be strongly encouraged.

Eldan
2009-07-24, 12:53 PM
Dispater: Would have a lead DM screen (to block X-Rays), keep the table very well lit (so the hidden security cameras/laser turrets would always have a clear shot of/at the PCs faces) and sit with his back to the wall, 3f.t. away from a secret escape route.
Also his room would look bigger on the inside than on the outside.
All of his games would be Paranoia-style detective-y games in which the conspiracies always go straight to the top.


Dispater would also wear a tinfoil hat, only speak in whispers and insist that every player uses the set of dice he bought especially for them.

KazilDarkeye
2009-07-24, 01:33 PM
Dispater would also wear a tinfoil hat, only speak in whispers and insist that every player uses the set of dice he bought especially for them.


Actually it says in FCII that Dispater never appears that paranoid in company - thus that probably wouldn't happen.
Although the personalised dice thing is possible if he says he got each person their own set as a gift, and they were rigged to self-destruct on Dispater's command.

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2009-07-24, 02:08 PM
Belial: Would listen at the door if Fierna was DMing. Would complain about Fierna if he was DMing.



Fierna: "CTRL+C. CTRL+V". :smallbiggrin:

Demogorgon: Would run 2 games simultaneously without mixing any of the information. All players would be thoroughly confused, and any whom were able to make sense of what was going on would receive a gaze attack. At any point in which a question about rules would be brought up, the two heads would commence a 30 hour argument as to how the rule should be interpreted and how it is applied. The only way to stop these arguments is to sacrifice yourself by suggesting he/they house rule it. This will be followed by six gaze attacks(yes six) while he makes a house rule. The player playing a Bard will then have to write two songs about the player, one speaking of his noble sacrifice, one speaking of how incredibly stupid it was to suggest anything to a demon lord without having good enough saves.

DiscipleofBob
2009-07-24, 02:40 PM
The Devourer: Every game would be a high seas swashbuckling adventure that would end with some variation of "rocks fall, everyone dies" as soon as the Devourer gets annoyed.

The Fury: Would pull out the Book of Erotic Fantasy and use it extensively. Would probably make use of enchantment spells to rape player-characters. Would unashamedly favor boyfriend/girlfriend unless they had a fight recently, at which point that character would die in the most horrible, graphic way possible. Expect lots of hissy-fits if you don't do things the way the Fury wants you to.

The Keeper: Good news: lots of loot and high-level gear available. Bad news: everything is uber-expensive and most NPC's can kick the party's collective asses because the DM's too attached to them.

The Shadow: All enemies are high-level 3.5 wizards or some variation thereof, prestige classes and all. Knows all the magic rules inside and out and abuses them more than even this forum could think of. The Sovereign Host help you if you don't play some twinked-out spellcaster class. You're going to need it.

The Mockery: Runs tomb of horrors and similar deathtraps with little hope of survival. Encourages and even rewards PvP and/or backstabbing fellow party members.

The Traveler: Has a randomized chart for every facet in the game. Creating a character? Traveler rolls your race and class based on a percentile die. Monster encounter? You have an equal chance of fighting a goblin, dire wolf, mind flayer, outsider, or three tarrasques no matter your level. Walking across town? Roll to see if you trip and somehow fall between the fabrics of the universe and end up in the ninth hell.

Vol: Wouldn't actually be that bad of a DM, provided that no character plays a character with any dragonmark other than aberrant and is not loyal to any House in Eberron, since the plot would always be some variation of screwing over the Houses.

AstralFire
2009-07-24, 02:43 PM
See I was going to do an elaborate joke with the Eberron gods and have the players all realize that there isn't actually a DM, just a robot that responds to key phrases that they say. But I like yours better.

ZeroNumerous
2009-07-24, 02:54 PM
Tiamat: Everyone would be running five different characters across five separate games with the final twist at the end being that they're all actually playing fragments of one another's personalities..

..Then she eats you.

Eldan
2009-07-24, 02:55 PM
Actually it says in FCII that Dispater never appears that paranoid in company - thus that probably wouldn't happen.
Although the personalised dice thing is possible if he says he got each person their own set as a gift, and they were rigged to self-destruct on Dispater's command.

Right, I forgot that. Therefore, he will wear a lead-lined top hat.

ZeroNumerous
2009-07-24, 03:00 PM
Loki: He'd run the most epic, convoluted plot line ever to grace a D&D table then reveal that it was all a clever ruse to steal your wallet. When you check he'll be gone.

Fiendish_Dire_Moose
2009-07-24, 03:01 PM
Loki: He'd run the most epic, convoluted plot line ever to grace a D&D table then reveal that it was all a clever ruse to steal your wallet. When you check he'll be gone.

No, your wallet would be there, just when you turned to look back at the table, you'd be naked, at a wedding.

Inhuman Bot
2009-07-24, 10:08 PM
I would strongly prefer not to speculate on the sessions Slaanesh would run.

Fun ones! :smalltongue:

josh13905
2009-07-25, 01:08 PM
Olidarama [spelled more or less correctly] would run this

Player; Crap I rolled a 3
DM; I will grant you another roll
Player; Ok *rolls* no an 8
DM; I will grant you another roll
Player; Yay a 20!
DM; I will grant you another roll
Player; I want the twenty!
DM; The monster summons a giant Die and it squashes you.

Blue Ghost
2009-07-25, 01:19 PM
Vecna would secretly tell each player individually that they've been turned evil and are now working against the rest of the party. Paranoia ensues.

FoE
2009-07-25, 01:23 PM
Jubilex would be an extremely messy DM. The players would probably have to wear Hazmat suits and put plastic tarp down on the floor.

Eldan
2009-07-25, 01:27 PM
Vecna would secretly tell each player individually that they've been turned evil and are now working against the rest of the party. Paranoia ensues.

Wouldn't he just run Paranoia from the beginning? Of course, he could do so and tell the players it was D20 modern.

Haarkla
2009-07-25, 02:45 PM
Tiamat would base the whole campaign around aquiring treasure, award xp (probably only) for gaining treasure, and award miserly amounts of treasure.

Chromatic dragons are there to be worshiped, not slain. Hordestealer and Vassal of Bahamut are banned.

KazilDarkeye
2009-07-25, 05:43 PM
Baphomet would like to do maze-like dungeon crawls that are probably inevitably based on killing Gnolls or Succubi.

Yeenoghu would do wilderness adventures that are usually based on killing Minotaurs/Ghouls.
He would also encourage the players to equip their PCs with ridiculous equipment (especially weird weapons).

OracleofWuffing
2009-07-25, 07:15 PM
You can't be a player in an Arceus (http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Arceus_(Pok%C3%A9mon)) campaign unless you meet him, face-to-face, on one of his random outings to the grocery store. Nobody knows when he goes to the store, nobody knows which grocery store it is, and nobody knows where his house is. However, once you do end up in one of his Campaigns, it's actually a very standard "Slay a dragon and get the treasure" campaign, just that it is supported by the best stuff available outside of the game: He's got every snack you could ask for, the table is custom crafted for the game as are the chairs, you get magical character sheets that always display the stat you're looking for at the very top, and the dice are never cursed. There are feelies for everything: You're a spiked-chain fighter? Here's a spiked chain, don't put your eye out. Clericzilla? What deity are you worshipping, I'll make a holy symbol for you. Wizard? Here's a spellbook, I advise you not to read anything in there. Pun-Pun? Here's a hat in the shape of a set of buttocks.

Then all of your DMing friends start getting stuff functionally identical to what Arceus is using (table from ikea, off-brand snacks from the discount bin, play-doh miniatures), and you just go back to playing with them, because the plot hooks are more interesting that way. You occasionally receive messages in your voice mail from Arceus, but he forgets to leave his phone number to call back. Three years later, he finds out you cheated on a spot check and kills you.

...What do you mean he's not an iconic D&D figure?:smalltongue:

Thane of Fife
2009-07-25, 07:52 PM
Personally, I'd like to have Crom (http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp09032008.shtml) as a DM :smallbiggrin:

That comic bothers me. Perhaps it's because Crom is supposed to be completely uncaring, and to give nothing more than strength at birth.


Anyway, a game with Bhaal would be awful.

A game with Anoia wouldn't be much fun either:

"All my books are stuck in the drawer!"
"How did I get that DM's Guide in there in the first place?"
"What do you mean something's jamming my Bag Cabinet of Holding shut?"

Hadrian_Emrys
2009-07-25, 07:59 PM
A game run by The King of All Cosmos would be the most drug-fueled experience since the 60s.

chiasaur11
2009-07-25, 08:15 PM
That comic bothers me. Perhaps it's because Crom is supposed to be completely uncaring, and to give nothing more than strength at birth.


Anyway, a game with Bhaal would be awful.

A game with Anoia wouldn't be much fun either:

"I can't get my character sheet out of the folder - there's too much stuff in it!"
"Stupid dice rolled behind the table, and there's no room to scoot it out!"
"What do you mean something's jamming my Bag of Holding shut?"

No, she sticks to drawers.

She knows her core constituencies.

Mando Knight
2009-07-25, 08:29 PM
No, your wallet would be there, just when you turned to look back at the table, you'd be naked, at a wedding.

Not just a wedding, but you just happen to be holding hands with the blushing bride. Whom you've never seen before. And you don't remember putting that ring on your finger, either.

AstralFire
2009-07-25, 08:58 PM
+1 cool points for Arceus post.

Thane of Fife
2009-07-25, 09:05 PM
No, she sticks to drawers.

She knows her core constituencies.

From Making Money:


Cribbons and his false teeth might disagree with you.

Perhaps Anoia is more the goddess of things you don't take care of getting back at you.

chiasaur11
2009-07-25, 09:11 PM
From Making Money:


Cribbons and his false teeth might disagree with you.

Perhaps Anoia is more the goddess of things you don't take care of getting back at you.


Well, yeah, but we all make exceptions to rules when we owe someone a favor.

Thane of Fife
2009-07-25, 09:21 PM
Well, yeah, but we all make exceptions to rules when we owe someone a favor.

Very well - just for you, I have edited my original post.

Overlord Nicy
2009-07-25, 10:12 PM
The Flying Spaghetti Monster.....eh, he's alright. His noodleyness' games get a little silly, sometimes they're almost like parodies.

Zeful
2009-07-25, 11:18 PM
Not just a wedding, but you just happen to be holding hands with the blushing bride. Whom you've never seen before. And you don't remember putting that ring on your finger, either.

And the woman is Loki in disguise.