View Full Version : My Sci-Fi Story

2006-05-22, 06:31 PM
Ok guys, I just thought of this and are wondering what you guys think. Here we go:

"Hello captain" said Garen as he entered the control room.
"What is it?" replied the captain, clad in his blue captain uniform covered with medals.
"We have just been informed that our course has changed for now. We'll now be setting out for Quaygol, they need a portion of the crystals were carrying". said Garen while loading his melt ray
"Were gonna have to go through some dangerous territory. They said pirate attacks are garunteed."
"Then we'll have to arm the turrets" replied the captain.
"Allright, I'll inform the men" he said while running to the intercom.
"I'll be in my quarters" the captain yelled to him as he ran off.
The captain walked slowly to his room. When he got there he let out a big sigh "I can't take this much longer" he thought to himself.
"I really hope we make it, oh my god the memories. The explosion, the dying screams the countless hours drifting through space its all coming back to me! A trade ship like this isn't meant for sector 13!".

The power failed. At least that's what the captain thought when he woke up to that familiar sound of a failure. He immediately activated the intercom to the control room. "What happened?" he asked rather alertly.
"Well, judging from the looks of it, an electromagnetic field. But its strange, those have been banned for years and none of the stars around here are known to give it off" replied Lila, the master seargent overseer of the control room.
"Any other possible sources?" asked the captain.
"No, not at all, its kind of weak too, it only took out our lights. Wait, the radars beginning to read something!"
The captain looked out his window. What he saw was a purple cloud everywhere. He thought he spotted something transparent moving but he wasnt sure. The intercom came on again
"Captain, according to the radar something very big is very close, and coming closer."
The captain ignored the message. He was too distracted. What he saw was a gigantic battleship commando station with a strange word written on the side of it. "Earth".

"Command ship Earth, please identify yourself" Lila said into the comm link.
No reply came. She asked two more times before calling a nearby planet, Friei, and asking for help.
"Friei control center, there is an unidentified station marked "Earth" out here in sector 13 BGamma who wont identify itself, we would like you to send a few escorts in case it is hostile. We are a UZST trade ship delivering power crystals to Quaygol and need immediate assistance" she said.
"Help is on it's way" replied a deep voice.
Within ten seconds 5 light fighters were following the tradeship. Suddenly the Earth station fired a deadly laser that shook the whole trade ship. Almost immediately after that it deployed seven ships that began attacking. The battle had begun. Soon turrets were firing at each other from each ship and the fighters had engaged. The escorts were shot down one by one, and the trade ship was rocked by the laser over and over. However the control station's turrets were failing to the trade ships turrets. But then three of the fighters from the control station swirved up from the bottom of the trade ship and started shooting at it's turrets. Meanwhile the other four fighters were trying to blast a hole in the trade ship's hangar and were doing a good job. Within a few minutes thier fighters would be able to fit through.

So, what do you guy's think of the story? Constructive critisism is accepted and encouraged! Cm'on no need to be afraid!

2006-05-22, 09:25 PM
Pretty good writing, though I hope you have more. One suggestion I have from my own writing experience is to keep from repeating the same word more than once every three sentences. For example, in the last two sentences you use the word "fighter" in both. I would suggest changing one of the instances to something else, like "ship". For some reason, this just sub-consiously sounds better to a reader's ears than when you repeat the same word twice.

P.S. If you look, there is a thread for an online sci-fi story thingy, which is being called a newspaper though it's really more of a journal, in this section. I'd suggest trying to post this there.

2006-05-22, 09:39 PM
That was awsome, but ^ is right. I am also making a story like this called Stupid Cyborg Stories, but I will not post the link because thats rude. Also, what journal were you talking about, ^?

2006-05-22, 10:04 PM
Its a thread in Friendly Banter titled "online newspaper"

2006-05-23, 06:19 AM
Ah thank you both, I"m gonna shift the story over to the newspaper! And I will take your advice about word repition, great help!