Humorous Voice Mail Messages

[B-Man]

I've always had the bland voice mail message of "You've reached B-Man. Sorry I'm not able to answer the phone at the moment. Please leave your name and number and I'll get back to you as soon as I can." and frankly I've grown tired of it. I've been trying to come up with a humorous voice mail message to convey that I'm not at the phone and that your message is "important" and all, but my variations have had limited success.

My current voice mail can be heard as: "Hey, you've reached the voice mail inbox of B-Man ['cept, substitute IRL name]. Unfortunately I have lost my phone, but maybe the ringing of the phone has lead me to it's location. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I find it."

I'm not really satisfied with it so I'm open to suggestions. I've deposited quite a number of résumés in my job hunt, so the message has humorous and professional-sounding as well.

Any suggestions? Also, you can share whatever humorous messages you've used in the past when your callers haven't been able to find you trace you contact you. :smallwink:

[Llama231]

My favorite is making the caller think that they are in a conversation.

[Shas aia Toriia]

Well, mine is "Hello. You've reached Shas' telepathetic thought recording device. Please think your name, number and reason for calling into this machine, and I'll think about calling you back."

[Deathslayer7]

I hate my gf's voice mail.

"Hey What's up? (this is where the part where most people think shes on the line.) I know I know. I'm not here leave a message. bye."

Every once in the while i'll think she's on the phone and feel like a complete idiot as it puts me to voicemail. >.>

[Joran]

When I was a teenager, I had a message that said, "We're not home! GO AWAY! And leave a message."

It depends though, are prospective employers going to be calling this number? Or is it a strictly personal number?

I want a famous person to record my voice message though. My top three were Patrick Stewart, Majel Roddenberry, and James Earl Jones. I don't have a replacement for Majel Roddenberry yet :(

[blackouttwo]

"Dammit, no, I do not have your cookies! Stop calling me, you freak! *repeat in Spanish, then German*"

That is my cell phone's voicemail. I don't have access to my family's landline voicemail.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Stop denying that you have my cookies!!!:smallfurious:

:smalltongue:

[B-Man]

It depends though, are prospective employers going to be calling this number? Or is it a strictly personal number?

It is a personal number, but it's the only number I have (it's a mobile and I'm kind of technically homeless and I don't want to give out the number at the shelter that I'm currently residing in). So, yes, perspective employers will be dialling this number.

[Cyrano]

"Hello? He- hello? Is someone there? I can't - I can't hear you. Spe - speak up, will you? Geeze, are you on a highway or something?" or something to that effect, ho hum.

Employers and funny don't mix though.

[Mr_Saturn]

Here's some that I like:

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, this is Bob. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Voicemail. Speak.

Did you hear the story about the guy who tried calling another person and but all he/she got was this voicemail greeting?

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is a voicemail? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe you don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if its reality, I will call you back.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone; you might have to deal with me in person.

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep.

:smallbiggrin:

[Pyrian]

Unless you're applying for comedic jobs, don't put comedy in your voice mail message. Stick with something professional. Voice mail isn't really a good humor spot, anyway, since it's only really funny the first or second time, and quickly becomes annoying to anybody who calls you a lot.

My favorite answering machine message I ever used was: "Hi, you've reached Pyrian, at the sound of the tone you'll have thirty seconds to convince me that I want to talk to you."

[Sneak]

Mine has been this for around a year:

"Hello? [pause] What? [pause] Who is this? [pause] Bye. BEEEEP."

It has caused some annoyance among friends and family. :smalltongue:

[Perenelle]

You could look through some of the messages here: http://www.creativevoicemailmessages.com/ :smallbiggrin:

[Mr_Saturn]

You could look through some of the messages here: http://www.creativevoicemailmessages.com/ :smallbiggrin:

Lol, i googled "humorous voicemail greetings and I went to that one. I just pasted my favorites here.


I feel like changing my voicemail now...

[Mr. Mud]

"Hey, it's Joe. Don't bother leaving a voice mail, since I check it twice a year... BEEP."

[adanedhel9]

For a while I used Logan's message from Dark Angel - "You've reached the number you dialed. You know what to do."

But then a coworker pointed out that, due to call forwarding on my work number, it was possible that the caller did not reach the number they dialed. I changed it to something pretty standard after that.

[Mauve Shirt]

I imitated a machine going "You have reached [phone number]. At the tone, please record your message." while in the background my friends screamed something like "DOES THIS LOOK INFECTED TO YOU? GAH, GROSS! GET IT OUT OF MY FACE!"
Then I went back to the usual machine.

[TRM]

If you have potential employers calling your number, skip the funny.

Mine simply says, "Hi! You've reached The_Rogue_Monk at #. Please leave me a message and I will call you back. Have a great day, bye."

In short, most employers don't want you to be funny; they're squares that way.

[CDR_Doom]

+1 for skipping the funny. Not that humor is a bad thing, but what you and your friends think is funny may not be what a perspective employer/other person who calls you feels is funny. My friend had one of those for a while and he thought it was hilarious, we tried to get him to change it but he didn't want to. Needless to say, when our CDR called him and got that message, it was suddenly a lot less funny.

[Yarram]

I heard a great message once that gloated about the fact that you just wasted 20c, and if you're leaving a message, you're wasting 20 more.

But that doesn't really work now because of different plans?

[The Demented One]

I've deposited quite a number of résumés in my job hunt, so the message has humorous and professional-sounding as well.
That's probably going to be a nigh-impossible balancing act to pull. I'd wait till you get the job, then add a funny message.


My favorite is making the caller think that they are in a conversation.
My hatred for this thing. It knows no bounds.

Mostly because I fall for it every time, even if I know the person calling has it. :smallmad:

[GrandMasterMe]

My voicemail right now...
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

found at this website (http://www.goodquotes.com/answeringmachine.htm) :smallbiggrin:

[Vmag]

Some of us aren't really so frantic about our job situation to worry about potential employers, though. I realize that the private sector is the most cutthroat thing allowed in the western world though, believe me, I've worked it, so I can see why you guys fear it.

Guess that's why I'm glad I work in an environment that encourages zaniness. It's... really something.

I do agree with the general notion that a faux convo feint is a cheap jab. My phone just has the default prerecorded greeting, so I don't really have any anecdotes to share, but hey, how bout those old infomercials for those ha-ha-humorous answering machine recordings?

[Sneak]

I'm a sixteen year old, so my "funny" message is only on my cell, and not really a problem for any official business. Plus, I don't, well, y'know. Work.

It is still obnoxious...but I don't really have a problem with that. :smalltongue:

[Yarram]

My voicemail right now...
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

found at this website (http://www.goodquotes.com/answeringmachine.htm) :smallbiggrin:

:smalleek:That... Is so awesome.

Why don't I do stuff like that? (Oh I remember now. It's because I'm lazy.)

[RTGoodman]

A long time ago, on "Seinfeld," George made a voicemail (er, answering machine actually, but some of you might be too young to remember those :smalltongue:) message to the tune of the "Greatest American Hero" theme song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsWgG5v7A3A).

"Believe it or not, George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone.
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home!"


I've always wanted to do it, but never got around to re-writing the lyrics with my name and an update for modern times.

[PairO'Dice Lost]

My sister did the fake-conversation message for a while, then when my mom got ticked off one time too many she switched it to one I suggested: "You've reached the cell phone of [Dice's sister's name]. Your call is very important to me. However, I'm just a cell phone; what do I know what [Dice's sister's name] would find important? I can pass on a message to her, but no guarantees."

I also helped a friend of mine with his message. Both of us are Star Wars geeks, so we did a bit of voice manipulation with some help from a Vader voice-changer and a dorm-mate who does a perfect Admiral Piett impression to get both of the following (with apologies to George Lucas):

*click*
*Vader breathing*
Vader's voice: Yes, Admiral, what is it?
Admiral Piett: There's someone on line 1 who commands you make contact with him.
Darth Vader: Move the answering machine out of the kitchen so that we can send a clear transmission.
Admiral Piett: Yes, my lord. You, caller: Say something after the beep.
Snippet of Star Wars theme: dun DUN dun-dun-dun DAH dah, dun-dun-dun DAH dah, dun-dun-dun BEEP

That's on his cell phone; his dorm phone:

Admiral Ozzel: Lord Vader, the telephone has begun to ring and we're preparing to--ACK.
Darth Vader: You have failed me for the last time, Admiral. Captain Piett?
Captain Piett: Yes, my lord?
Admiral Ozzel: *gaaaaaasp*
Darth Vader: Make ready to take a message, and record their name and number, so that all the details are in the system.
Admiral Ozzel: *GAAAAASP*
Darth Vader: You are in command now, Admiral Piett.
Admiral Piett: Thank you, Lord Vader. Please leave a message after the thud.
Admiral Ozzel: *THUD*

[Swordlol]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfaG5O9GBBs&feature=PlayList&p=858EF9C88F7911C2&index=9

Does that count?

[TRM]

Some of us aren't really so frantic about our job situation to worry about potential employers, though. I realize that the private sector is the most cutthroat thing allowed in the western world though, believe me, I've worked it, so I can see why you guys fear it.

Guess that's why I'm glad I work in an environment that encourages zaniness. It's... really something.

But he is. He is homeless and trying to become employed.

[Don Julio Anejo]

But he is. He is homeless and trying to become employed.
I think the point is that those of us that are either currently employed or filthy rich would love to hear some funny answering machine messages.

[Innis Cabal]

Back when it mattered and Cell Phones didn't exist, so when I had a answering machine.

I recorded the dial tone for when you dialed a long distance number without a 1 before the number. So the call would hit

"We cannot contact the number you have dialed. Please dial a 1, then the number and try again."

So they would. And would get

"The number you have dialed cannot be connected at this time. Check the number and please try again"

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Many, many years ago, when I owned a copy of When Harry Met Sally on video tape, (yes, kids...videos used to be on tapes), I cranked the scene where Meg Ryan...ummm...Well, if you know the movie, you know exactly what scene I'm referencing. (It's the one that ends with another woman saying, "I'll have what she's having.") I brought my answering machine as close to the TV as I could, started that scene with the volume cranked, and breathlessly recorded myself saying, "Hi...It's Rob...I'm a bit busy...leave a message." :smallbiggrin:

[Thanatos 51-50]

"You've reached [Thanatos] at [XYZ-1234]. We can both pretend I said something witty, funny or charming here, and then you can leave your message. Or not, if that's your thing."

[Don Julio Anejo]

Many, many years ago, when I owned a copy of When Harry Met Sally on video tape, (yes, kids...videos used to be on tapes), I cranked the scene where Meg Ryan...ummm...Well, if you know the movie, you know exactly what scene I'm referencing. (It's the one that ends with another woman saying, "I'll have what she's having.") I brought my answering machine as close to the TV as I could, started that scene with the volume cranked, and breathlessly recorded myself saying, "Hi...It's Rob...I'm a bit busy...leave a message." :smallbiggrin:
Oh man, that's epic :biggrin:
Also, very job-search appropriate if you ever decide to work as a male stripper.

[V'icternus]

"Hi, you've reached [me]. I'm not here at the moment, please leave a message after the beep.

*Small pause*

*Quietly* I think they fell for it... *Laugh quietly* *Beeeeeeep*"

[KuReshtin]

One of my ex-colleagues used to have a voice mail message that kinf od bugged me.

"Good Morning, good day, good evening, you've reached the voice mail of [name] at [company]. Please leave a message."

The thing that bugged me was that this voice mail message was for his personal phone at home, and had nothing to do with the company. So why he included the comany name on his home phone voice-mail, I don't know, and it bugged me.

[B-Man]

Thank you for the suggestions guys. I still wish I could mix humour and professionalism to an effective level.

[Dragonrider]

My dad has a friend whose answering machine used to say:

"Hi. You've reached [friend]. Please leave a message after the flush." And then instead of a beep, you'd hear a toilet flushing.

[V'icternus]

"If you are calling to offer me a job, a promotion, money or a business oppurtunity, you've reached [name]! If not, then you have the wrong number."

[rubakhin]

I recorded mine entirely in Chechen once just to be annoying.

That worked fine until my friend Ruslan called up and left like an eight-minute message critiquing my pronunciation.

:smallannoyed:

[Trai]

I used to have a cell phone that was entirely black and gray, and joked with my friends that it looked like something out of The Matrix. So we nicknamed the phone the Evil Matrix Phone of Doom (EMPOD for short).

I forget exactly how the message went, but I did mention the name Evil Matrix Phone of Doom. Well, I put in a special order at Border's and left my cell phone number. I received an e-mail saying they couldn't find the item I wanted.

So a couple weeks later, I have a voicemail from a number I don't recognize. They'd found it after all. The guy leaving the voicemail was laughing and said, "Hi, this is Jeff from Border's. Your special order is in and we'll hold it for two weeks. And just so you know... that's the best voicemail I've ever heard."

[blackfox]

"Hi Mom, I'm probably in band right now--call back during English, PLEASE."
Took about 2 weeks for her to find that one.
"This is BlackFox's Voicemail Pit of Doom. Leave a message and one of our qualified assistants will deliver it personally to BlackFox's inbox, where BlackFox may or may not check it and may or may not call back."
Took her about 8 weeks to get pissed at that one.
"Hi! (dotdotdot) Just kidding." *beeeeep*
Short-lived.
"This is your conscience speaking."
Also short-lived.
"Asparagus SUCKS."
What I have now, basically. Wierds out all these college people that don't know me yet.

[Umael]

For a while, my phone message was:

[in my best robot voice]: "Greetings! You have reached the [Umael] residence! Please leave your - name - phone number - identification number - credit card number - and a brief, digital message!"

or...

[in melodramatic voice]: "You have failed to summon me! Try your incantation again or leave a message at the tone!"

I think I have a generic one now.

As for combining humor and professional, unless you can imitate Stephen Fry's voice and put on a good butler impersonation, don't bother.

("Hello, [Umael] residence! Terribly sorry, but the [master] is out of the house. Most inconvenient. May I interest you in leaving a message? Oh, jolly good!")

[Jade_Tarem]

I have a friend who got us to all gather around his phone, moaning about brains, and just a couple of seconds in he screamed "AAH! ZOMBIES!" in a sharp, shrill voice, and then hit the pickup, producing a thud noise when it plays back. He recorded that for his message.

[garrett111]

{scrubbed}

[rs2excelsior]

I also helped a friend of mine with his message. Both of us are Star Wars geeks, so we did a bit of voice manipulation with some help from a Vader voice-changer and a dorm-mate who does a perfect Admiral Piett impression to get both of the following (with apologies to George Lucas):
<awesomeness>

This is awesome. And hilarious. :smallbiggrin:

[Balain]

When we were in University a friend had his as, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely, Drink a fish!"

[TheEmerged]

Okay it's been said but cannot be repeated enough.

If you're going to have prospective employers calling the number, go 100% professional. You don't have to impersonate a recording, but remember that one man's witty is another man's annoying.

=====================================

On that note? I answer a phone for a living. In addition I have what some people call "that voice" - if I lived in one of the right cities, I would probably do voice acting for a living instead.

As you might imagine? My phone-answering voice & tone tends to sound like a recorded one. In fact it's a regular occurrence for people to press "0" when I answer the phone at work because they think I'm still the automated attendant (fun fact, I came in second in the in-office competition to actually do those recordings). More than once, I've answered the phone at home and a relative has blurted something like, "Nuts, got their voicemail... oh wait, hi <TheEmerged>..."

So while the greeting on my home phone is the standard "Thank you for calling <TheEmerged> residence...", my personal cell phone comes up as the following.

"Thank you for calling <TheEmerged>, and this time? I am a recording..."

[Forum Staff]

Thread Necromancy. By a spammer no less.