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Heliomance
2009-10-28, 05:06 AM
What's the best way to let a (girl|guy) you like know you're a geek without scaring them off?

Totally Guy
2009-10-28, 05:08 AM
Just be yourself.

BizzaroStormy
2009-10-28, 05:11 AM
Invite them over to hang out and rope them into a game of Pathfinder.

SDF
2009-10-28, 05:13 AM
Well, being a geek is a pretty broad claim. What does it entail for you? Me, I'm an unabashed nerd, but I can't ever recall a time when it had a detrimental effect on my social life.

The Rose Dragon
2009-10-28, 05:16 AM
Just be yourself.

Yes, because learning social skills is completely unnecessary. Just be yourself and everyone will love you. :smallannoyed: I wonder how it would work to give that same advice to people that need other skills.

Learning how do drive a car! -> Just be yourself! -> Vehicular manslaughter!

Learning how to cook! -> Just be yourself! -> Burning down the kitchen!

Learning how to fix electronics! -> Just be yourself! -> Death by electrocution!

Needless to say, I hate that advice.

SDF
2009-10-28, 05:19 AM
What if yourself is awesome?

The Rose Dragon
2009-10-28, 05:22 AM
What if yourself is awesome?

Depending on the type of awesome.

What I'm trying to say is, social skills are skills that must be learned, just like any other. Most of it learned subconsciously by observing others' behavior, but since we cannot observe the social norms of other cultures and since courting is usually not a public act, those two must be learned consciously. Simply being yourself will not usually cut it.

Tengu_temp
2009-10-28, 05:23 AM
Yes, because learning social skills is completely unnecessary. Just be yourself and everyone will love you. :smallannoyed: I wonder how it would work to give that same advice to people that need other skills.

Learning how do drive a car! -> Just be yourself! -> Vehicular manslaughter!

Learning how to cook! -> Just be yourself! -> Burning down the kitchen!

Learning how to fix electronics! -> Just be yourself! -> Death by electrocution!

Needless to say, I hate that advice.

Then it's better to pretend that you're someone you really are not, just to impress other people and make them like you?

The Rose Dragon
2009-10-28, 05:26 AM
Then it's better to pretend that you're someone you really are not, just to impress other people and make them like you?

There is a difference between just being yourself and not pretending. If you don't have social skills, you can learn them. Learning how to behave in public or how to interact with others does not make you a different person (which took me about eighteen years to learn).

BizzaroStormy
2009-10-28, 05:28 AM
Learning how do drive a car! -> Just be yourself! -> Vehicular manslaughter

this is only a problem to people whos self doesnt know how to move out of the way of vehicles.

There is a difference between just being yourself and not pretending. If you don't have social skills, you can learn them. Learning how to behave in public or how to interact with others does not make you a different person (which took me about eighteen years to learn).

It does, but not directly. If you don't learn social skills, then you'll either punch, or run away from anyone who tries to talk to you. Meaning you'll either be incredibly violent or skiddish (sp?)

Tengu_temp
2009-10-28, 05:31 AM
There is a difference between just being yourself and not pretending. If you don't have social skills, you can learn them. Learning how to behave in public or how to interact with others does not make you a different person (which took me about eighteen years to learn).

The OP doesn't seem to be asking on advice how to learn social skills. He's asking how to tell your crush that you're a geek. Just being yourself - engaging in the same activities you always do - seems to be a good approach here.

rakkoon
2009-10-28, 05:31 AM
If by Geek you mean seriously into something (e.g. Star Trek), I would suggest not being to fanatical about it. Just say you like it and say you're in the Fanclub. Don't start about the other fanclubs being terrible because they do not truly .....
You just like Star Trek

The Rose Dragon
2009-10-28, 05:36 AM
The OP doesn't seem to be asking on advice how to learn social skills. He's asking how to tell your crush that you're a geek. Just being yourself - engaging in the same activities you always do - seems to be a good approach here.

That doesn't let him break to his crush that he's a geek, though. Unless it's something highly observable, it just allows him to continue being a geek. Do I have better advice? No. But I don't need to be a chicken to tell a good egg from a bad one.

((Do the English-speaking people even have that metaphor?))

snoopy13a
2009-10-28, 05:36 AM
First, the older you are, the less people care. Secondly, you don't have to share the exact same interests. "Non-geeks" do things like poker nights and golf that their significant others have absolutely no interest in. That cuts both ways. You can't expect a significant other to necessarily like stuff such as anime or roleplaying games simply because you do (they might end up liking it, but you can't expect them to).

Once you get past high school, people don't worry about labels as much. The important thing is whether you can find some activities to share that both of you enjoy and if you get along together.

Tell her your interests and be open to trying things that both of you might enjoy such as cooking classes, dancing, hiking, etc.

Anuan
2009-10-28, 06:19 AM
That doesn't let him break to his crush that he's a geek, though. Unless it's something highly observable, it just allows him to continue being a geek. Do I have better advice? No. But I don't need to be a chicken to tell a good egg from a bad one.

((Do the English-speaking people even have that metaphor?))

We do now! *steals, gives prolific use*

Jack Squat
2009-10-28, 06:28 AM
I suggest doing it while not dressed in LARP gear, but beyond that there's really not a whole lot you could really do wrong. Maybe bring up video games or RPGs or whatever in a conversation, it doesn't need to be a blunt confession.

Also, if they haven't figured it out by now...

Faulty
2009-10-28, 07:07 AM
Don't say, "I'm a geek," say "My name is ____, and I happen to life sci-fi novels/RPing/video games/coding/whatever." Don't boil yourself down to being only a geek. Admit your hobbies, don't be ashamed of them, and still differentiate yourself as someone who can't be pinned down by a single word.

Weimann
2009-10-28, 07:19 AM
As Faulty said. The most effective thing would be to not define yourself solely as "a geek", even to yourself, because then you'll have trouble imagining yourself as anything but. No matter how geeky you may be, it is not the whole of your being.

I'd say, don't see it as a "something to confess". If she asks what kind of shows you are into, answer truthfully, but avoid making the "I'm a geek" statement. It's up to her to classify you. Who knows, she might not even consider you nerdy, and if not, it'd be silly to plant the concept in her head. Just be the geek you are, and she might not even notice :)

Totally Guy
2009-10-28, 07:39 AM
Yes, because learning social skills is completely unnecessary.

I must have missed the integral clue. The reason he's asking is due to lack of social skills. it's as if I made an attempt to answer the question when I should have tried answering the the meta question.

Heliomance
2009-10-28, 07:53 AM
Hehe, I love how everyone assumes I'm a guy. Clearly, there are indeed no girls on the interwebs.

As it happens, I am, but that's beside the point.

Syka
2009-10-28, 07:59 AM
People usually default to he when gender is unknown. It's a pretty common occurance in the English language. Not only that, but with the romance languages when you have a mixed group of things that are both 'masculine' and 'feminine' (in declension), you refer to it with the masculine endings. The group becomes male. It's the language more than the stereotype, I think.


That said, I don't see how you have anything to confess or break to someone. I've always been an unabashed nerd/geek, but I have other interests. I don't 'dress' like one. But talk to me anything length of time, and it's apparent.

And it's never driven someone away. I've actually found most people, on some level, to be nerds/geeks. It is a rare occasion indeed when I find someone who I would not consider "one of our people", as Oz and I refer to it.

bosssmiley
2009-10-28, 08:14 AM
Learning how do drive a car! -> Just be yourself! -> Vehicular manslaughter!
Learning how to cook! -> Just be yourself! -> Burning down the kitchen!
Learning how to fix electronics! -> Just be yourself! -> Death by electrocution!

Rose Dragon: Best. childminder. EVER! :smallbiggrin:

@OP: they'll know as soon as they see your book shelf, or find out which classes you're best in. Problem solved.

Green Bean
2009-10-28, 08:19 AM
It all depends on the degree of geekery you're involved in. If you merely like arguing about Star Trek online, or maybe go to the occasional con, then just casually mentioning it to your SO will probably be fine. If you like to solo-LARP in full costume in the middle of shopping malls...well that's something you want him/her drunk for.

If you're really worried about scaring people off, admit it gradually. While it's tempting just to say "this is me, take it or leave it", this makes it very easy to be scared off by stereotypes and misconceptions. If you let them get to know you as a person first, then it's harder to dismiss you as "just a geek".

Totally Guy
2009-10-28, 08:27 AM
Hehe, I love how everyone assumes I'm a guy. Clearly, there are indeed no girls on the interwebs.

I just see...

HElioMANce.

Heliomance
2009-10-28, 08:51 AM
I'm at University doing Maths, and it's impossible to know me without realising I dress in Victorian-era formalwear every day, and that doesn't seem to scare too many people off, so it may well not be as big an issue as it seems.

Doesn't mean the idea of admitting to a girl I play D&D isn't scary though.

Weimann
2009-10-28, 09:08 AM
Just let her bring it up. If you don't make a big deal of it, maybe it won't become a big deal. Chances are she's either indifferent or positive about it; if she was negative about it, it's a good chance she'd not be interested in your type for any number of other reasons, quite beside being a geek.

And, as for gender, I usually hinge my pronoun of choice on the first display of gender identity I percieve, in this case, your avatar.

Trog
2009-10-28, 09:09 AM
I've had a range of experiences here. Or reactions, rather. Each time I've basically made no secret about it. One reaction was tolerance with more than a great deal of good-natured (and, frankly, some not good-natured) rib poking. Another was total acceptance because she was one too. Another was extreme anxiety over what that meant (based mainly on her associating being a geek with a former boyfriend... and having an anxiety disorder herself) to the point that she broke it off - probably a good thing.

I don't regret being honest about being a geek in any of these cases. If someone is going to be judgmental about my interests and think less of me because of what I like to do in my spare time (especially after they get to know me as an individual) then that speaks more about their intolerance than it does about my character (my personality and values, not my 15th level PC, just to, you know, clarify :smalltongue: ).

In short, as a geek you will encounter intolerance. But ask yourself would you rather be accepted only if you have to change core values of who you really are or would you rather risk rejection and stay you? Personally I'd rather risk the rejection.

As to how to break it to the person I'd leave the geek label out of it because if you are a non-geek calling someone a geek is making a negative judgment about them. We geeks understand what you mean and are not judgmental, of course but others might be. They might choose to see only that negative label and tune out what you say, or they might try to be empathetic and understanding but wonder why you are putting yourself down by using a word so often used to connote a negative. So leave the label out of it at first. Just explain your hobbies briefly and why you like them.

For example I would say: I play Dungeons and Dragons with my friends. We've been doing it once a month for two decades now and it's how we bond and have fun. Like poker night, say. I like it because it involves strategy and imagination and my friends. It's just fun. I don't expect you to play though I will likely encourage that at some point because it's something I think is fun. It's okay if you never share that interest so long as you are accepting of the fact that I always will have it and spend time on it.

EDIT: Substitute "sports" for "Dungeons and Dragons" above and it could still apply as a generic statement about one's hobbies no matter what they are I suppose.

Likely I may have to add the following: Unlike the popular stereotype I don't dress up when I do it and I don't think that I am actually my character any more than someone playing Nintendo thinks that they are actually Mario. I usually don't talk to others about it because most other people aren't that into it and I assume they are not interested in hearing about it. If they are I will likely talk to them about it.

Totally Guy
2009-10-28, 09:09 AM
I'm generally more willing to share my experiences with naturism than my experiences of roleplaying. Odd huh.

But the "how I encountered naturism" story is way funnier than the "how I encountered roleplaying" one. So that's a factor too.

AtomicKitKat
2009-10-28, 09:58 AM
Well, if you can carry off the "decent haircut+prescription eyewear" look, half the job's done. At the least, it will look like you "paid attention in school" or "read a lot".

BritishBill
2009-10-28, 10:34 AM
Dont leave the dnd books on the bed,, learned that one the hard wayy

Keshay
2009-10-28, 11:18 AM
Question is, Why bother directly telling her? If this is a crush and you're content to let it remain that who cares? IF you ask her out on a date and she declines, who cares? If you do date, she'll figure out who are pretty quick. If she sticks around, great, if not then que serra.

Seems like you're asking "How can I tell a person about myself so that they will liek me regardless of thier personal preferances." It does not work that way.

If you're going around dressed like a character from a Charles Dickens story, and she still hangs out with you I'm gonna say the "geek" thing is not that big a deal.

Coidzor
2009-10-28, 12:36 PM
Yes, because learning social skills is completely unnecessary. Just be yourself and everyone will love you. :smallannoyed: I wonder how it would work to give that same advice to people that need other skills.

Learning how do drive a car! -> Just be yourself! -> Vehicular manslaughter!

Learning how to cook! -> Just be yourself! -> Burning down the kitchen!

Learning how to fix electronics! -> Just be yourself! -> Death by electrocution!

Needless to say, I hate that advice.

Well, don't be yourself then if you're reckless, homicidal, and have no self-preservation instincts...

Wait, wait, no, I'm-a have to go with being yourself on the last one as long as you don't take anyone else down with you then.

mmm, Darwin.

Edit: Err, wait, is this actually what you think would happen if you were just yourself in these situations? :smallconfused:


Dont leave the dnd books on the bed,, learned that one the hard wayy

mmm, quite, just for that she made me be the one on the bottom with them digging into my spine. :smallannoyed:

She could've just said something before it got to screaming in pain.:smallsigh:

Faulty
2009-10-28, 12:41 PM
I'm at University doing Maths, and it's impossible to know me without realising I dress in Victorian-era formalwear every day, and that doesn't seem to scare too many people off, so it may well not be as big an issue as it seems.

Doesn't mean the idea of admitting to a girl I play D&D isn't scary though.

A lot of people have misconceptions about D&D. Maybe explain it in simple terms if you must?

I did that with my friends Michelle and Charolette when they came to my house for the first time. There was a tiny bit of rib poking from Michelle, but that's what she's like. I just explained it a bit to her and neither of them made a big deal about it.

Cobra_Ikari
2009-10-28, 01:13 PM
...does anyone else feel like intentionally studying/learning social skills would make them feel like a manipulative jerk? >.<

I'd rather just be me instead of catering to others. If people like me, whoo! If they don't, why make the effort to act like something else so they will like me? There are plenty more people out there...

...also, strangely enough, I've made more friends acting like crazy ol' me than I have in trying to be "normal". >.>

Faulty
2009-10-28, 01:16 PM
There's nothing wrong with learning how best to get people to know you. There's a difference between learning social skills so you can more easily get to know people and get them to know you, and creating a facade used to trick people into liking you or doing what you want.

Fostire
2009-10-28, 01:24 PM
Learning how to cook! -> Just be yourself! -> Burning down the kitchen!

You can do so much worse than burning down the kitchen, like salmonella for example.

xPANCAKEx
2009-10-28, 01:27 PM
im pretty up front about about "my geeky past-times" - but then as i spend vast amounts of time clubbing and go to gigs and climbing it balances it all out

as long as you are not just a dork then you'll be fine

Don Julio Anejo
2009-10-28, 02:21 PM
Dunno, I personally never had a problem with it despite liking some stuff even geeks find too geeky and then spending too much time on it (military history comes to mind :smallfrown:). It's just a matter of attitude. No-one would appreciate you trying to force them into it. Casually mentioning and talking about it if she seems interested (or asks you about it :smallsmile:) is a much better option.

Now on the other hand you trying to get her to play d&d with a bunch of overweight basement dwellers that haven't showered in a while - not so much. Imagine if she made you spend the whole day with her going from spa to salon to spa to boutique all the while holding her pet chihuahua. There are some things you should never make your SO do.

PS: most (cool) people I know would say "sweet costume dude" if they ever saw someone dressed in Victorian formal wear :smalltongue: Especially if you've got a pocketwatch to go with it.

Heliomance
2009-10-28, 03:08 PM
Seems like you're asking "How can I tell a person about myself so that they will liek me regardless of thier personal preferances." It does not work that way.


More like "How can I tell a person about myself so they don't immediately think of the stereotypes and run a mile?"

And to the above poster, alas, I do not have a pocket watch. I had one, but it broke. I got it repaired and it broke again. I gave up after that.

Johel
2009-10-28, 03:36 PM
More like "How can I tell a person about myself so they don't immediately think of the stereotypes and run a mile?"

And to the above poster, alas, I do not have a pocket watch. I had one, but it broke. I got it repaired and it broke again. I gave up after that.

Things are, if they know you enough to be your friends but haven't figured out by themselves that you aren't exactly the "soccer-cars-nightclub" type of guy or the "fashion-dance-nightclub" type of girl, your friends aren't the brightest persons on Earth, to say the least.

They probably won't put a "Geek" sticker on your forehead if you start making allusions to DnD, TV-trope, computers, video games, comic books, science, politic or whatever you mean by "geek". I mean, most people are knowledgeable on at least one of these subject and don't consider themselves as geeks.

They might look at you funny if they don't understand what you say but then, if they can't tolerate your quirks, they can't be good friends.

So my advice : make a few allusions to your "geeky hobbies" as if you were speaking about sport, cars or music. They catch the line ? Great, you got one more thing to talk about. They don't ? Well, try another.

Coidzor
2009-10-28, 03:40 PM
...does anyone else feel like intentionally studying/learning social skills would make them feel like a manipulative jerk? >.<

I'd rather just be me instead of catering to others. If people like me, whoo! If they don't, why make the effort to act like something else so they will like me? There are plenty more people out there...

Learning social niceties is different from learning to manipulate people and having an attitude to callously misuse them.

So it says more about how you view other people that you think the first thing you'd do with social skills is take advantage of them.

Cobra_Ikari
2009-10-28, 07:20 PM
Learning social niceties is different from learning to manipulate people and having an attitude to callously misuse them.

So it says more about how you view other people that you think the first thing you'd do with social skills is take advantage of them.

...or that I generally don't like or trust myself, and see it as something I could hate myself even more for.

...I feel judged. Should I feel judged?

Hazkali
2009-10-29, 06:21 AM
My advice is be as casual about it as you can, and observe the standard rules of conversation.

Don't drone on about the things that you like, but give short, concise answers.
Back-and-forth is important; if you had a point or anecdote but the conversation has moved on, let it go, and move with where the conversation has gone.
Ask questions, but don't make it feel like an inquisition.
Try not to be too insecure about what you like; anyone who has the 'geek' label has been belittled for what they like at one point or another, but you're more likely to confuse and put off someone you like by being insecure about what you like than being confident about it.
Conversely, don't pretend you like things that you don't. You're just going to come across as silly when you're inevitably found out.

Solaris
2009-10-29, 09:02 AM
We do now! *steals, gives prolific use*

Ah, English. Such a long, proud tradition of chasing other languages down back alleys and rifling their pockets.


...does anyone else feel like intentionally studying/learning social skills would make them feel like a manipulative jerk? >.<

I'd rather just be me instead of catering to others. If people like me, whoo! If they don't, why make the effort to act like something else so they will like me? There are plenty more people out there...

...also, strangely enough, I've made more friends acting like crazy ol' me than I have in trying to be "normal". >.>

Yes, but you have Nice as a supernatural ability.

Green Bean
2009-10-29, 09:33 AM
...or that I generally don't like or trust myself, and see it as something I could hate myself even more for.

...I feel judged. Should I feel judged?

If you don't like or trust yourself, then is "be yourself" really good advice? :smallconfused:

Cobra_Ikari
2009-10-29, 01:51 PM
If you don't like or trust yourself, then is "be yourself" really good advice? :smallconfused:

Sure! It's not who I am that I dislike. Just me. *nodnod*

...it makes sense, trust me. >.>

Inhuman Bot
2009-10-29, 01:51 PM
What's the best way to let a (girl|guy) you like know you're a geek without scaring them off?

....What's wrong with having "geekish" intrests? Does this person have a massive predjudice against them?

pendell
2009-10-29, 02:03 PM
What's the best way to let a (girl|guy) you like know you're a geek without scaring them off?

When they ask what you're interested in, laugh and say you're a geek.

Be gentle; be funny, be positive, have a sense of humor. Try to talk about the things you're interested in in a way that the general public can understand. If he/she expresses interest, find some kind of bridge from his/her world to yours. Are you a roleplayer? Find out if she's ever imagined anything. Take her to an RPG which fulfills that fantasy. That's how I introduced my wife to roleplaying -- we played a GURPS session together, she as a healer, I as a rogue/independent trader. I saved her character from hostiles armed with plasma rifles (over the objections of the rest of the party, but I didn't have to go home with them), and her character saved my character's life when he was shot at point-blank range with a pistol. A good time was had by all.

Respectfully,

Biran P.

Green Bean
2009-10-29, 03:32 PM
Sure! It's not who I am that I dislike. Just me. *nodnod*

...it makes sense, trust me. >.>

Why should I trust you? You don't trust you, and you know you better than anyone! :smalltongue:

Delwugor
2009-10-29, 04:02 PM
When they ask what you're interested in, laugh and say you're a geek.

This is what I say when I'm talking to a woman I'm interested in.

And then my wife comes up and says that I'm also interested in keeping all of my body parts ... :smallamused:

Crimmy
2009-10-29, 05:32 PM
Question is, Why bother directly telling her? If this is a crush and you're content to let it remain that who cares? IF you ask her out on a date and she declines, who cares? If you do date, she'll figure out who are pretty quick. If she sticks around, great, if not then que serra.


You meant to say "Que será", didn't you?

Berserk Monk
2009-10-29, 06:33 PM
What's the best way to let a (girl|guy) you like know you're a geek without scaring them off?

Best way: Beat off someone attempting to mug them with a toy lightsaber.

Worst way: Show up at their place dressed exactly like Dr. Manhattan.

Green Bean
2009-10-29, 06:37 PM
The juxtaposition of "beat off" and "dressed like Dr. Manhattan" made my brain go to a weird place. :smalleek:

Lappy9000
2009-10-29, 06:46 PM
If you don't like or trust yourself, then is "be yourself" really good advice? :smallconfused:I can't help but think this advice is being taken too literally, but I can't reasonably explain why :smallconfused:

Cobra_Ikari
2009-10-29, 07:02 PM
Why should I trust you? You don't trust you, and you know you better than anyone! :smalltongue:

Fine. It's more like there's a constant track in my head going "You're an *******." and "Everyone hates you and wishes you went away." and "You don't have a chance with her." and "Damn, you're annoying. Shut up already." and such. I don't believe in myself. That's what I meant to say. >.<

*hugs*...:smalltongue:

Heliomance
2009-10-29, 07:15 PM
Don't believe in yourself! Believe in me who believes in you!