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Purple Rose
2010-04-27, 01:55 PM
Um... I've never posted here before, so here goes.

It's not for me. Not quite. I have a close friend that has been very depressed lately and talking about hurting themselves. I am very worried about them, but I only know them online, so I can't do much more than that. :smallfrown: I know one of their siblings though... Would it be wrong to go to their sibling and ask them to tell their parents? I feel like I would be betraying their trust on the matter... :smallfrown:

Quincunx
2010-04-27, 02:00 PM
Yes. People do have conversations in the assumption they won't be repeated. There is a trust of silence to betray. In light of the violations of not harming self, not wounding the feelings of loved ones by harming self, and (the one which has been done to you) the violation of the trust that speaking as a friend to a friend won't land you with such a moral burden, the worry of betraying the trust of silence is usually outweighed. You're now set to suffer no matter what the outcome. Will you suffer less by trying to keep your friend alive and whole?

Teddy
2010-04-27, 02:19 PM
Um... I've never posted here before, so here goes.

It's not for me. Not quite. I have a close friend that has been very depressed lately and talking about hurting themselves. I am very worried about them, but I only know them online, so I can't do much more than that. :smallfrown: I know one of their siblings though... Would it be wrong to go to their sibling and ask them to tell their parents? I feel like I would be betraying their trust on the matter... :smallfrown:

The worst feeling that you can feel when you feel miserable is that no one cares, trust me. It might be the case that no one notices it, or it might be the case that they're afraid that you'll get angry at them.

Sometimes when I feel down, and no one of my family/friends shows that he/she's noticed it, I start to feel alienated and alone, which just saddens me even more. When a friend then asks me what's troubling me, I suddenly feel much happier, because I know that he notices and cares for me, and that I'm not all by myself.

My advice is to try to get someone to talk to your friend, since you can't do it yourself. Parents are good for that as long as your friend trusts them, and they're usually good at providing both useful advice and general reassurance. The worst thing that can happen if you go ahead is that your friends parents will try to protect your friend from (his/her?)-self by imposing restrictions on (him/her?), but that is a sign that they care and that they don't want your friend to cause herself any harm. If you don't proceede, your friend might just get even more depressed and adopt a more self-destructive behaviour.

I hope this advice might be of any use for you. Good luck with your friend.

EDIT: I really should find some synonym for "feel". It made this text feel a bit repetive.
...
Aaagh, I did it again!

EDIT#2: Wait, "they/their"? Is this one or more friends?

Ninja Chocobo
2010-04-27, 04:50 PM
You need to like yourself before you worry about other people liking you

Right!
How?

HellfireLover
2010-04-27, 05:40 PM
Right!
How?

Now there's a question for the ages. No help with that here, I'm afraid.

Dust
2010-04-27, 05:51 PM
Hardly an emotional meltdown or anything, but I could use a shoulderpat.

Had a break-in. My desktop computer, laptop, and lockbox were stolen among other things. The thief made off with this month's rent as well as $2,000 that I hadn't yet deposited for reasons completely unknown to me. :smallannoyed:

I do website design, and losing the computers meant I lost a client's account. Not only will this damage my reputation, but the financial hit also means I now need to grab a second job, if only for a month or two, just to make sure things keep flowing smoothly.

I'm 24 years old, and I'm working on my second degree. The only job I could find in this small Canadian town was as a dishwasher.

I just filled out an application and headed home, feeling humiliated, and realized only seconds ago that I incorrectly dated the form.

Kobold-Bard
2010-04-27, 10:26 PM
Spoilered for self-inflicted issues and pointless angry venting:
AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! :furious:

I am so lazy it's untrue. It's 4.38am here. I have a 3000 word essay due in at noon today that was set over a month ago. And yet I haven't even started it. I woke up at 3 and have written 70 words in that time. Even now I'm typing this instead of doing it, because I have nothing to write.

I did no research or reading, and now I'm plotting a way to get away with saying my computer has died, because I've got nothing, that I somehow have to turn into 3000 words.

Why the hell am I like this. I sat on my couch yesterdayand played games and posted here instead of starting it, I did the same for weeks, ignoring all uni work until the last minute.

I can't fail this module, I already did that one last semester (an every sememster ever that I've been at uni). GOD FREAKING DAMMIT I hate myself, why am I like this?

AAAAAAAARGRGRGRRGRHRHRHRAAHGWEH!!!! :furious:

arguskos
2010-04-27, 10:44 PM
@Ninja: If you ever find out, please let me know.

@Dust: Dude. That's harsh. You file a police report or anything? I doubt it'll matter, but it's always a good idea. Also, if you've got insurance on your place, that might help too.

@K-B: Weeeeeeeeeeell, I don't have much helpful to say. Now, if it was Temotei or one of my IRL buddies, who are more used to my vitriolic sense of humor, I'd probably point and laugh a little, then commiserate for awhile, cause that's how I roll. In this case, I'm just gonna say, "well, that bites man, sorry to hear it" cause I've got nothing I can do to help out really. :smallfrown: If ya need to rant, lemme know.

My own issues: still lonely, still bitter, still filled to the brim with self-loathing. Eg. same ol, same ol.

Archpaladin Zousha
2010-04-27, 11:58 PM
I don't know why, but things are mostly going smoothly with my life for once. I'm keeping up with my assignments, I narrowly avoided getting fired and everyone I know is saying how proud they are that I'll be graduating in two weeks.

And yet I feel like absolute crap. I have this pervading sense of ennui that's snaked its way into everything I do, causing even the things I enjoy to seem like a drag, I broke down and cried when my boss and disabilities coordinator were talking with me on how to improve my work in the future so I stay on the job, I do my assignments but I don't feel any sense of accomplishment, despite my professors telling me time and again that it's the best work I've ever given them, and I have no one to talk to. Literally. I get up, go through the motions to keep me afloat with work and classes and all, putting on a brave face, but then I just retreat into myself and I feel like no one understands how I feel.

I should be happy and content with everything that's going well in my life, and yet I still feel like scum. I can't ask my therapist about it because he's booked until this fall, and I feel like I shouldn't talk to my parents about it because one thing that my boss and disabilities coordinator said to me was that I need to start making decisions for myself and take charge of my own life, instead of living it for my parents' approval.

I know my mother, an Occupational Therapist, said during Easter Break that maybe my Asperger's combining with worsening depression is what's causing this, but if that's the case, should I really be relying on medications to try and feel better? As someone with Asperger's Syndrome, I have a hard time understanding my own feelings, but at the same time I recieve conflicting messages that my medication helps and that it's a crutch that I use to avoid confronting the stress of life.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life or where I want to go after I graduate. The only thing I know for certain is that I'm definitely NOT contemplating suicide. I'm too scared of death and the afterlife to do the deed and I think it's an inherently narcissistic and selfish act that hurts a lot of people who care about you. I know there are a lot of people looking out for me, family and friends and stuff, but yet I just feel like I'm the worst example of a human being ever.

Teddy
2010-04-28, 02:31 AM
I don't know why, but things are mostly going smoothly with my life for once. I'm keeping up with my assignments, I narrowly avoided getting fired and everyone I know is saying how proud they are that I'll be graduating in two weeks.

And yet I feel like absolute crap. I have this pervading sense of ennui that's snaked its way into everything I do, causing even the things I enjoy to seem like a drag, I broke down and cried when my boss and disabilities coordinator were talking with me on how to improve my work in the future so I stay on the job, I do my assignments but I don't feel any sense of accomplishment, despite my professors telling me time and again that it's the best work I've ever given them, and I have no one to talk to. Literally. I get up, go through the motions to keep me afloat with work and classes and all, putting on a brave face, but then I just retreat into myself and I feel like no one understands how I feel.

I should be happy and content with everything that's going well in my life, and yet I still feel like scum. I can't ask my therapist about it because he's booked until this fall, and I feel like I shouldn't talk to my parents about it because one thing that my boss and disabilities coordinator said to me was that I need to start making decisions for myself and take charge of my own life, instead of living it for my parents' approval.

Sadly, I can't give any useful advice on your loss of ambition, but as far as I can tell (because you stated it yourself), you need someone to talk too. You wonder if you should talk to your parents or not, since your disabilities coordinator said that you needed to take charge of your own life, but I can hardly see any conflict here. If you need to talk, you shouldn't hold it in, and this situation tells me that you might need it pretty badly. And for as long as your lack of ambition continues, you'll have a hard time trying to be independent and productive, so there isn't really any gain for anyone if you'll hold it in.


I know my mother, an Occupational Therapist, said during Easter Break that maybe my Asperger's combining with worsening depression is what's causing this, but if that's the case, should I really be relying on medications to try and feel better? As someone with Asperger's Syndrome, I have a hard time understanding my own feelings, but at the same time I recieve conflicting messages that my medication helps and that it's a crutch that I use to avoid confronting the stress of life.

I can't tell from your text, but I've got the feeling that those who're propagating against medication don't really have any medical expertice themselves, but instead expresses their suspicion against the medical system as "helpful advice". Don't turn the medication down because of people's opinions, but rely on those who are educated in psychology and medicine instead.


I have no idea what I want to do with my life or where I want to go after I graduate. The only thing I know for certain is that I'm definitely NOT contemplating suicide. I'm too scared of death and the afterlife to do the deed and I think it's an inherently narcissistic and selfish act that hurts a lot of people who care about you. I know there are a lot of people looking out for me, family and friends and stuff, but yet I just feel like I'm the worst example of a human being ever.

It's good that you're not contemplating suicide, because, as you say yourself, it will only cause a lot of pain and sorrow among those who care for you. And even though I don't know you, I can still tell you that you're certainly not a worst example of a human being. Read a newspaper or watch the news on TV, and you'll see that there are human beings who kill, maim and burn so that they can bath in luxuary and wealth, and I wouldn't dream of placing any forumite along them in the ranks of "worst examples of humanity" ever.

Totally Guy
2010-04-28, 03:23 AM
I've got this week off work... but I've got no idea what to do with myself...

I have plans for Friday and Saturday but that's it. Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday and Monday I've got no idea what to do with...

I'm reading American Gods. I'm watching Farscape. I'm learning and RPG system called Burning Empires.

But I need more than media to consume, I've got nobody left to ask to hang out with. :( It makes me really sad to think that I do so little with my precious days off.

Anuan
2010-04-28, 09:13 AM
I can't even bring myself to post the problems I'm having here.

****.

So ****ing pathetic.

Teddy
2010-04-28, 09:43 AM
I can't even bring myself to post the problems I'm having here.

****.

So ****ing pathetic.

Naww, your avatar is cute and it makes me smile. Anyone with such a good taste can't be pathetic. Troubled, perhaps, but certainly not pathetic.

Anuan
2010-04-28, 09:57 AM
You can thank my delightful partner in romance for that, she's got the other half of the set :smalltongue:

arguskos
2010-04-28, 12:24 PM
@Archpaladin: Teddy said everything already. Go read his post. :smallwink:

@Glug: Dude, I know the feeling. I have one night a week of social interaction... and that's about it. Rest of the time, I'm on my own, and it's starting to grate on me. I compensate by being involved in this community as best I can, since at least it sometimes leads to fun banter and discussions. It may not work for you, but it is a thought.

@Anuan: Well, if you can't post them publicly for whatever reason, you know how to reach me. :smallwink:

Archpaladin Zousha
2010-04-28, 07:58 PM
Sadly, I can't give any useful advice on your loss of ambition, but as far as I can tell (because you stated it yourself), you need someone to talk too. You wonder if you should talk to your parents or not, since your disabilities coordinator said that you needed to take charge of your own life, but I can hardly see any conflict here. If you need to talk, you shouldn't hold it in, and this situation tells me that you might need it pretty badly. And for as long as your lack of ambition continues, you'll have a hard time trying to be independent and productive, so there isn't really any gain for anyone if you'll hold it in.
Yeah. A lack of ambition is a very good way to put it. Part of it may be because I've literally banned myself from entertainment materials at college over the past couple of years. About the only time I don't feel that lack of ambition is when I'm playing video games, and I'm not allowed to have video games in my dorm anymore since I spent more time playing them than going to class or doing homework, which almost ruined me. And then that extended to D&D books, which I turned to as a sort of substitute, and then to the internet which I used as a substitute when I couldn't have D&D books. While I understand the need to remove those things from my life while I'm at college, because I have an addictive personality and I can't get distracted at this point, but on the other hand, La Crosse is a pretty boring place when all the schoolwork's done, unless you like getting plastered, which I don't. Even the internet gets boring after a while.

I can't tell from your text, but I've got the feeling that those who're propagating against medication don't really have any medical expertice themselves, but instead expresses their suspicion against the medical system as "helpful advice". Don't turn the medication down because of people's opinions, but rely on those who are educated in psychology and medicine instead.
This was sort of what sparked my wondering about this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nAZi_eUjoU)

Not really a reliable source of information, I know, but I really have problems trying to figure out things about current events. There are so many opinions out there that I never know what to believe.

It's good that you're not contemplating suicide, because, as you say yourself, it will only cause a lot of pain and sorrow among those who care for you. And even though I don't know you, I can still tell you that you're certainly not a worst example of a human being. Read a newspaper or watch the news on TV, and you'll see that there are human beings who kill, maim and burn so that they can bath in luxuary and wealth, and I wouldn't dream of placing any forumite along them in the ranks of "worst examples of humanity" ever.
I know that. Everyone tells me that. It always feels so hard for me to believe it, though. I have a lot of good things going for me. I don't smoke or drink. I'm still a virgin. I have good grades. I've got a mostly stable track record at work. I take walks.

But then I start thinking about all my flaws. I can't think rationally because of my Asperger's. I don't go to church on my own anymore. I don't play sports. I overeat. I occasionally cuss. I prefer the fantasy worlds portrayed by video and tabletop games to reality. {Scrubbed}

Teddy
2010-04-29, 07:28 AM
Yeah. A lack of ambition is a very good way to put it. Part of it may be because I've literally banned myself from entertainment materials at college over the past couple of years. About the only time I don't feel that lack of ambition is when I'm playing video games, and I'm not allowed to have video games in my dorm anymore since I spent more time playing them than going to class or doing homework, which almost ruined me. And then that extended to D&D books, which I turned to as a sort of substitute, and then to the internet which I used as a substitute when I couldn't have D&D books. While I understand the need to remove those things from my life while I'm at college, because I have an addictive personality and I can't get distracted at this point, but on the other hand, La Crosse is a pretty boring place when all the schoolwork's done, unless you like getting plastered, which I don't. Even the internet gets boring after a while.

This seems like a major dilemma of yours. You need something recreational to do to relax after your schoolwork, otherwise your going to burn-out and/or lose your ambition (which you, sadly, have), but if I understood you right, you tend to get addicted by whatever you have for recreation, and put it before your schoolwork. Is there any recreational activity you know of that you can practice without getting addicted to it, since to me, it sounds like you'll need one. You should probably talk this over with someone who can help you find something which you can use to pass your spare time with.


This was sort of what sparked my wondering about this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nAZi_eUjoU)

Not really a reliable source of information, I know, but I really have problems trying to figure out things about current events. There are so many opinions out there that I never know what to believe.

Hehe.

While he's funny, I don't think you should give a whining cartoon squirrel, who's talking so fast with his high pitched voice that you can barely hear what he's saying, any authority at all in this matter. I guess that the creators where laughing out loud a lot while they created that piece of work, and they probably aren't especially serious about it either, so you really shouldn't delve too deep into what he's saying.


I know that. Everyone tells me that. It always feels so hard for me to believe it, though. I have a lot of good things going for me. I don't smoke or drink. I'm still a virgin. I have good grades. I've got a mostly stable track record at work. I take walks.

These are a lot of good things, and I'm sure that if you put your mind to it, you'd be able to make this list much longer.


But then I start thinking about all my flaws.

Don't. Or, if you have to, make sure to remember the good sides too. It doesn't have to be anything major, just something like being patient or concentrated, or a habit of being nice to people by holding up doors and thanking them even for minor things. Most humans do come out pretty even when it's all summed up, I think, so don't let the bad sides drag you down.


I can't think rationally because of my Asperger's.

Who's got the right to say what's rational thinking and what isn't? So, you've got a way of thinking that differs from the norm, but you shouldn't see that as a negative. Find out what you're best at and emphasize it. If your weak where others are strong, try to be strong where others are weak. That way you'll still be usefull for both yourself and those you complement, which is much better than just being plain useless, don't you agree?


I prefer the fantasy worlds portrayed by video and tabletop games to reality.

Just like me, although my fantasy worlds are more or less formed in my head. I tend to use them as boredom killers or a refuge when I'm sad, and I never see them as something negative. The reality is a pretty grim place, so a wish to escape it is plain natural and nothing to be ashamed about.


Phew, I started writing this almost 5 hours ago, but a lot of lessons have gotten in my way, so I haven't been able to finish it before now.

Anuan
2010-04-30, 06:32 AM
I'm sad.

Again.

This is becoming an uncomfortably regular occurance. :smallsigh:

Teddy
2010-04-30, 12:12 PM
I'm sad.

Again.

This is becoming an uncomfortably regular occurance. :smallsigh:

Sadness is completely natural. It's a way for your brain to go through bad events and try to find a way to prevent similar events in the future. Your brain, however, has a tendency to blame everything on yourself (which in itself is completely understandable, because you won't prevent anything by blaming it on someone else), but when it comes to things that you couldn't prevent, it risks getting stuck in an infinite loop, sort of.

It may also be caused by stress, with your brain blaming you for not working hard enough. Even if this might be the case, or if you simply don't have enough time to complete everything you have to do, it will quickly become counterproductive.

It may also be a plain old depression steming from, well, just about anything that I don't know about. In that case, your brain is trying to blame you for something at least partially imagined, and this will be hard to get out of without aid. Whatever the case, you should find someone who you can talk to. If it feels like a depression, I would recommend seeing a psychologist.

Good Luck!

Decoy Lockbox
2010-04-30, 05:31 PM
So I haven't posted in a while, school work has kept me busy. Long story short, I met a nice girl and am taking massive amounts of anti depressants/anxiety pills (doctor's orders!), and, despite the stresses of being about to graduate college, I feel fairly good, so I feel like I kinda don't belong here anymore. But thanks for all the kind words back whenever I wrote giant-ass post!

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-04-30, 08:07 PM
Heya, folks...I've been a bad Bor. I've been neglecting the very thread of my own design that's here to help so many of the emotionally distressed. However, for the first time in a LONG time, your beloved Bor is crazy-go-nuts for a pretty human female. She has been absorbing a great deal of my time, and therefore causing me to neglect my "duties" here. I'm going to attempt to rectify this, but at the moment, she and I are on Skype, chatting up a storm...again...as usual. (Dear G-d, save me from the fleeting fancies of my all-too-human heart!)

And the reason I'm telling you all of this is because for the first time in a great while, I'm feeling GOOD! I mean, emotionally good. It's not just that romance is blooming, but because I'm feeling wanted. Despite my best efforts at being guarded, I'm...well, I'm not growing attached, but THOROUGHLY attached.

Glad to see you're all still looking after one another. Please continue to be well. :smallsmile:

Lord Iames Osari
2010-05-01, 03:38 AM
Tonight, I thought about suicide. Only briefly, but this is the first time in the 9 years since I tried and failed to strangle myself at the end of 6th grade that I did not immediately think "I'm not capable of doing that".

To say that my love life is in a dry spell would be like saying that the Sahara is in the midst of a drought - it is the expected state of things. After I became interested in girls at the age of 12, I suffered through a series of infatuations which never really went anywhere. At the age of 17 I had my first "girlfriend," a girl who, while sweet, was conservative practically to the point of coldness. It lasted for about 6 months. After we broke up, I spent about another year with pointless infatuations before finally giving up. I'm now 22, and the most intimate I've ever been with a woman is holding hands - once - with my girlfriend 5 years ago.

I used to believe that next year would be the year - the year I finally met that someone special. I don't know when exactly I stopped believing that, but it's definitely been at least 2 years. Now I imagine the future and all I can see is myself, dying alone in some hospital bed while everyone I ever loved or was in love with is with their spouses and family.

I'm trapped in a spiral of hopelessness. People tell me I have attractive qualities, and they're probably telling me the truth. But it's obvious that I don't have enough attractive qualities to outweigh the negative ones. I'm fat, I have horrible teeth, no job, no marketable skills, no prospects, and no self-confidence when it comes to romance, and recognizing all of that only makes me more depressed and less motivated.

Teddy
2010-05-01, 05:12 AM
Tonight, I thought about suicide. Only briefly, but this is the first time in the 9 years since I tried and failed to strangle myself at the end of 6th grade that I did not immediately think "I'm not capable of doing that".

Good thing you didn't proceede though. Perhaps it would help to think through what a suicide would actually accomplish. Apart from the truly obvious effect of you dying (which in itself should be enough to avoid it), it will also cause great harm to anyone who cares for you. In other words, a sucide is almost like a betrayal of everyone who likes you, and it threatens to throw them into the eternal slide of depression too.


To say that my love life is in a dry spell would be like saying that the Sahara is in the midst of a drought - it is the expected state of things. After I became interested in girls at the age of 12, I suffered through a series of infatuations which never really went anywhere. At the age of 17 I had my first "girlfriend," a girl who, while sweet, was conservative practically to the point of coldness. It lasted for about 6 months. After we broke up, I spent about another year with pointless infatuations before finally giving up. I'm now 22, and the most intimate I've ever been with a woman is holding hands - once - with my girlfriend 5 years ago.

I used to believe that next year would be the year - the year I finally met that someone special. I don't know when exactly I stopped believing that, but it's definitely been at least 2 years. Now I imagine the future and all I can see is myself, dying alone in some hospital bed while everyone I ever loved or was in love with is with their spouses and family.

A failed relationship and a depression have made you give up on your romantic prospects. Work on this depression and your self-confidence, it will help. And don't worry, there's still a lot of time left and there is no need to rush. Hopefully, that hospital bed is still 60 years or more in the future, and in the meantime you'll change a lot as a person. Sometimes for good, other times perhaps not, but don't just give up.


I'm trapped in a spiral of hopelessness. People tell me I have attractive qualities, and they're probably telling me the truth. But it's obvious that I don't have enough attractive qualities to outweigh the negative ones.

No, it's not at all obvius, I'll assure you. You're suffering from a depression, which makes you emphasize your bad sides and disregard your good sides. It's nothing but destructive and you really should seek a psychiatrist for help to get out of it.


I'm fat

I don't think I like this one being on anyone's "bad traits list". The shape of your body says nothing about you as a person, and it's your person that counts, not your physical features.


I have horrible teeth

Is this "horrible" as in "poorly taken care of" or as in "rotten and filled with holes". For the first one, I recommend a toothbrush and some dental floss, for the second, a dentist (although I guess that the cost might be an issue). Anyway, see my last point about physical features not saying anything about you as a person.


no job

This is highly temporary (even though it might go on for long). Don't give up, would be my best advice, and continue searching. In the meantime, you could try polish yourself a bit. Work a bit on the impression you make on those who might become your future employer, and perhaps you could do some voluntary work to get some nice references for your resumé. Anyway, this isn't a measurment of your personality either.


no marketable skills

Bah, nonsense. Isn't there anything useful your good at? (That was a rethorical question. If you say no, you're once again letting your depression get the upper hand on you.) Everyone is good at something, you just have to find that specific skill and empasize it.


no prospects

Once again: nonsense. Your depression is clouding your mind, nothing else. Everything but the most imminent future is hidden from everyones eyes, and even the most imminent future can only be seen as sketchy contours, nothing else. You haven't yet passed the first third of your life if we're sticking to the average, so time isn't the issue. You do have a lot of time to find your place in this world.


and no self-confidence when it comes to romance

Step one should be to get out of the depression and learn to like yourself. It will be hard to regain any self confidence as long as this depression is dragging you down.


and recognizing all of that only makes me more depressed and less motivated.

Yes, you've gotten stuck in the truly evil spiral known as a depression. Depressions rarely end without external aid, but they tend to grow on their own if unchecked. Find a psychiatrist who can help you. They can help you better than anyone else, trust me.

Good Luck!

Zeb The Troll
2010-05-01, 06:04 AM
I'm trapped in a spiral of hopelessness. People tell me I have attractive qualities, and they're probably telling me the truth. But it's obvious that I don't have enough attractive qualities to outweigh the negative ones. I'm fat, I have horrible teeth, no job, no marketable skills, no prospects, and no self-confidence when it comes to romance, and recognizing all of that only makes me more depressed and less motivated.Though some are easier than others, each of these things you list are fixable. (They're probably not as bad as you feel like they are, but let's assume for the sake of discussion that they are.) I'm willing to bet you're a smart guy, too, and I don't even have to tell you how. In some cases, fixing one will fix another, like marketable skills and getting a job.

Pick one thing at a time and work on it. Once you're in a routine working towards getting that under control, start working on another thing. My recommendation is starting with the marketable skills because it'll have the most payback for the other things.

First, you're probably wrong about your marketable skills. You may not realize how to market your skills, but I can almost guarantee that you've got something you can market. Heck, for some jobs, just having graduated high school is enough. Got a diploma and a clean driving record? Some pizza joint is probably looking for someone like you. But if you're talking about something more career oriented, pick a field you think you can work in for awhile and start taking classes to make you marketable in it. This includes taking a class that will teach you how to market yourself (i.e. a resume writing course).

Once you've got that started, getting a job is easier (even "working towards a certificate in..." is marketable if done correctly). Once you've got the job, you'll be more active and will (hopefully) have health insurance, improving your overall health. Somewhere along the way, you're likely to have gained some self-confidence and met at least a few more people. You can probably see where this is going.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-05-01, 09:24 AM
Oh my...It's the man who actually helped give birth to the DT, come to test its capabilities.

Yes, Lord Iames Osari...You may well be the other "Father of the Depression Thread," not that we're that kind of couple. :smallwink: The thing is, (and this is meant as an ego boost), if not for the events three and a half years ago, this thread would never have been born. Regardless of what happened in the end, it was YOU who brought our attention to someone in need, and the result was a thread in which people could come and bring some of their deepest woes and seek some kind of aid when they were unsure of what to do.

Some of what you've said really belongs in the RW&A thread. My little post was to express the fact that I'm riding the high of a new romance, and have been sucked into the constant communication that often comes with it. "Hey, let's talk about nothing terribly important for six hours straight!" Not entirely true, but it's somewhat stunning that we can do it with such great ease, thanks to the wonder of the internet. And you have to realize that it's been ten years since I've had a truly meaningful relationship. Oh, there were several attempts, but nothing that blossomed the way this one is. And I met "my Neko" by accident. Our intent wasn't to start a romance, but that's what we have. This is why I don't like to give romantic advice. All of my romances start via happenstance.

But I'm wondering why I'm replying. Teddy and Zeb seem to have you covered rather nicely. In all likelihood, Zeb is right in that you have marketable skills, but don't know how to market them. Teddy is right in that depression is clouding much of your judgment.

So the one thing neither discussed in detail was the actual illness that MAY be affecting you. (Teddy mentioned it in passing.) Serious contemplation of suicide is your greatest symptom, and this means you need to get some help FAST! Not actually sure what country you're in, but here in the States, the idea of getting in to see a specialist is no easy feat. That said, you should get to your primary care physician as soon as possible and explain what's going on. Tell him/her EVERYTHING and let him/her make the call. They may prescribe some meds or make a call to a specialist to have an emergency appointment made for you, (as what happened with my foot).

And if you find your mind dominated by suicidal thoughts, to the point where you actually think yourself capable of harming yourself, GET YOURSELF TO A HOSPITAL IMMEDIATELY!!! No playing games, as is what happened with...ummm..."Evil." (Yeah, some of us eventually caught on to his name.)

Oh...And don't let the incident with "Evil" get you down. That wasn't your doing. As with many others, you were deceived. It happens to the best of us.

Lord Iames Osari
2010-05-01, 03:14 PM
Good thing you didn't proceede though. Perhaps it would help to think through what a suicide would actually accomplish. Apart from the truly obvious effect of you dying (which in itself should be enough to avoid it), it will also cause great harm to anyone who cares for you. In other words, a sucide is almost like a betrayal of everyone who likes you, and it threatens to throw them into the eternal slide of depression too.

I may have given the wrong impression. It was only a momentary thought, but it took me longer to reject the thought than usual, which is what prompted me to make that post last night/this morning.


A failed relationship and a depression have made you give up on your romantic prospects. Work on this depression and your self-confidence, it will help. And don't worry, there's still a lot of time left and there is no need to rush. Hopefully, that hospital bed is still 60 years or more in the future, and in the meantime you'll change a lot as a person. Sometimes for good, other times perhaps not, but don't just give up.

One failed relationship and umpteen failures at even being able to start a relationship to begin with.


No, it's not at all obvious, I'll assure you. You're suffering from a depression, which makes you emphasize your bad sides and disregard your good sides. It's nothing but destructive and you really should seek a psychiatrist for help to get out of it.




I don't think I like this one being on anyone's "bad traits list". The shape of your body says nothing about you as a person, and it's your person that counts, not your physical features.

Anyone who thinks looks don't matter is delusional. Good looking people get all the breaks.


Is this "horrible" as in "poorly taken care of" or as in "rotten and filled with holes". For the first one, I recommend a toothbrush and some dental floss, for the second, a dentist (although I guess that the cost might be an issue). Anyway, see my last point about physical features not saying anything about you as a person.

I take pretty good care of them (never had a cavity), but they're crooked and uneven.


This is highly temporary (even though it might go on for long). Don't give up, would be my best advice, and continue searching. In the meantime, you could try polish yourself a bit. Work a bit on the impression you make on those who might become your future employer, and perhaps you could do some voluntary work to get some nice references for your resumé. Anyway, this isn't a measurment of your personality either.

It is a measure of my fitness as a mate, though. If I can't


Bah, nonsense. Isn't there anything useful your good at? (That was a rethorical question. If you say no, you're once again letting your depression get the upper hand on you.) Everyone is good at something, you just have to find that specific skill and empasize it.

I'm good at roleplaying games. I can pretend to be people who aren't me, and I'm fairly good at working with and modifying the rules systems of the games I play. That opens so many potential career options. :smallannoyed:


Yes, you've gotten stuck in the truly evil spiral known as a depression. Depressions rarely end without external aid, but they tend to grow on their own if unchecked. Find a psychiatrist who can help you. They can help you better than anyone else, trust me.

I know. But I don't have any insurance, income, or a primary care physician. :smallfrown:


Oh my...It's the man who actually helped give birth to the DT, come to test its capabilities.

Yes, Lord Iames Osari...You may well be the other "Father of the Depression Thread," not that we're that kind of couple. :smallwink: The thing is, (and this is meant as an ego boost), if not for the events three and a half years ago, this thread would never have been born. Regardless of what happened in the end, it was YOU who brought our attention to someone in need, and the result was a thread in which people could come and bring some of their deepest woes and seek some kind of aid when they were unsure of what to do.

Thank you. I should probably feel proud, or satisfied, or something, but to be honest, whatever my role in starting it, I've mostly ignored it since then. You're the one who took it and built it into what it is today.


Some of what you've said really belongs in the RW&A thread.

I thought about putting it there, but I felt that it belonged here more.

Kobold-Bard
2010-05-01, 03:28 PM
So my granddad could basically die at any moment. Obviously the fact that he would die isn't unexpected what with him being in his 70s, and he has been immensely ill with just about everything you can imagine over the last 18 months.

Thing is while I'm upset by this, I'm not as upset as I imagined I would be when I got told a member of my immediate family is unlikely to see next weekend. I've never been especially close with my grandparents, but they've always been amazing to us all and I definitely love them a lot and I feel like an a-hole for not feeling worse about this.

Meh, not sure why I'm even posting this, it's not really a problem (especially when compared to my sister getting kicked out, though I'm not really as affected by that as I should be either, maybe I'm just dead inside).

Teddy
2010-05-01, 06:09 PM
I may have given the wrong impression. It was only a momentary thought, but it took me longer to reject the thought than usual, which is what prompted me to make that post last night/this morning.

Well, I was at least partially aware of it, but a lot of things go on in my head all the time, and while this usually is good in any given situation, it can sometimes cause a need to express my thoughts even if they're just tangentialy related to the subject. Sometimes this might manifest itself as advice that isn't really necessary, but I express it anyway in hope that someone might remember it and find it useful later. And someone contemplating suicide (even briefly) are better supplied with unnecessary advice than too little advice.


One failed relationship and umpteen failures at even being able to start a relationship to begin with.

I guess there are two things you need: Patience and self-confidence. Love might happen over a night, but nothing says it has to be this night. And for as long as you believe that you'll fail, you will fail. Just don't give up, okay?


Anyone who thinks looks don't matter is delusional. Good looking people get all the breaks.

:smallsigh:

Good-looking people might get some (often rather unfair) advantages in society, but what really counts is how you are as a person, and that is not determined by your physical features. And the good thing is that it's possible to work your body into what might you might think is a shape you'd like better through training and a balanced diet, if you put your mind to it.


I take pretty good care of them (never had a cavity), but they're crooked and uneven.

That's never what I'd call "horrible" teeth. Not "absolutely perfect", perhaps, but still not "horrible". Good thing you take care of them, at least.


It is a measure of my fitness as a mate, though. If I can't

Do you think it's possible to find employment in some fast-food restaurant or the like? These establishments are the almost litterary gates to further employment, by giving you some nice work experience to plot down into your resumé, and they give a small amount of money too. The best thing with this sort of business is that they require almost nothing from a future employee, as long as you don't give them a too bad impression when applying. And they do almost allways have a vacant spot to fill, since people only use them as a portal into the labor market and thus move on as soon as they've found a better job.


I'm good at roleplaying games. I can pretend to be people who aren't me, and I'm fairly good at working with and modifying the rules systems of the games I play. That opens so many potential career options. :smallannoyed:

Actor or game designer, perhaps? :smallwink:

On a more serious note, I'm sure that there is a lot more than that. You have at least some education, don't you? And interrests that are compatible with at least some types of work? I mean, I could probably make a list of moderate length with types of work that are benefitted by experience from roleplaying games if I put my mind to it, including the two examples above.


I know. But I don't have any insurance, income, or a primary care physician. :smallfrown:

:smallfurious:

...

I could say a lot about this, but I won't. I would probably break more rules than I know about, or something (nothing directed at you or anyone on these boards). The only thing I'll say is that I think it's riddiculous that money should be a requirement for recieveing psychological treatment.


So my granddad could basically die at any moment. Obviously the fact that he would die isn't unexpected what with him being in his 70s, and he has been immensely ill with just about everything you can imagine over the last 18 months.

Thing is while I'm upset by this, I'm not as upset as I imagined I would be when I got told a member of my immediate family is unlikely to see next weekend. I've never been especially close with my grandparents, but they've always been amazing to us all and I definitely love them a lot and I feel like an a-hole for not feeling worse about this.

I think that what causes you to not be as upset as you expected might be because you really can't imagine what is going to happen with your granddad. Don't see yourself as an a-hole, because you aren't one. When your granddad finally falls asleep for his last time, you'll probably react more emotionally. And being too emotional for a too long time isn't good for your best, so don't blame yourself for not being "emotional enough".

You might also be going through a phase of emotional shock, where your brain locks out all of your sad feelings to keep you functioning. This will stop at some point, so if this is the case, you should be prepared that all your feelings might suddenly be released upon you at some point in the close future.


Meh, not sure why I'm even posting this, it's not really a problem (especially when compared to my sister getting kicked out, though I'm not really as affected by that as I should be either, maybe I'm just dead inside).

If you're feeling bad about yourself, it is a problem, and problems are better not compared to each other. And don't worry, you're most certainly not emotionally dead inside. If that was the case, you'd allready be aware of it for a long time at this point.

Anyway, good luck, both of you.

The Bushranger
2010-05-01, 11:10 PM
*sigh*

Sometimes, I'm just to freaking nice, and don't speak up when I should about things for fear of upsetting people.

RabbitHoleLost
2010-05-01, 11:58 PM
Oh, hi, BR.
I'm actually supposed to not be on the Playground, but, I thought, since we're such old friends, and I have the opposite problem, I'd weigh in.
If it directly involves you, say something. This is only if it directly involves you, though, because if you jump in to the defense of someone else, it shows immaturity and also causes a lot more drama than necessary, and you loose a whole bunch of friends.
But, yes, if someone is hurting you, say something. If someone is taking advantage of you, say something. Do something. Don't just remain silent.
But do it privately, and in a calm, collected manner. (Oh, hey, there's MY problem! =P )
Hell, if you handle it correctly, you might even gain their respect.

Jacklu
2010-05-02, 11:45 AM
Okay... So, first off, *hugs everyone who has posted here* There. ... *hugs again just to be sure*

And onto my issues; I have been feeling... muddled lately. Not depressed but not quite not depressed either. I feel... lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I have a ton of stress from college right now and a plethora of other unsavory RL stuff. I've been on my meds for some time now but I can't say that I think they are actually helping at all. And... well, there have been some uncomfortable side effects that have been getting worse since I switched onto the full dosage. But despite every indication that I need to try something else, I can't find the motivation or energy to take care of it. :smallfrown: The one thing I most desperately needed to be taken care of by the medication and it is the only thing not even slightly affected. :smallsigh:

Work is stressing me out to no end, to the point that I want to up and quit a job that I have been rather happy with for going on three years now. I would take time off, but I can't afford to loose a paycheck right now.

And to top it all off, I have several friends that are going through a really tough time right now that I am completely incapable of helping due to either distance or circumstances. :smallfrown:

One last thing, though this probably belongs in the RW&A, I made the stupid mistake of letting myself fall for somebody again. And though there feels like there is a connection there, they have basically told me it isn't going to happen. :smallfrown: I'm not sure why I continue to be such a colossal ****-up.

Anyways, there is my list of grievances. Unsolicited, as usual. I feel even more useless and horrible for having to tell other people about my problems. I wish I could just keep it all to myself and deal with it. Sorry all. v.v

Recaiden
2010-05-02, 12:18 PM
* hugs Jacklu *

There's no need to apologize. None of that is your fault, and there's nothing wrong with talking about your problems in a place designed for talking about your problems. Just try to focus on one little thing at a time. You'll get through all the college stuff.

Teddy
2010-05-02, 02:40 PM
Okay... So, first off, *hugs everyone who has posted here* There. ... *hugs again just to be sure*

*bearhug* You seem to need it. I'm truly sorry that I can't really give you any useful advice today, though. I guess I could make up for that by giving you a second bearhug. *bearhug*


Anyways, there is my list of grievances. Unsolicited, as usual. I feel even more useless and horrible for having to tell other people about my problems. I wish I could just keep it all to myself and deal with it. Sorry all. v.v

As Recaiden said, you shouldn't. This is a thread for those who are brave enough to open their hearts and tell others how they really feel and recieve some advice and reassurance to help on the way. I should probably do as Bor would, and slap you with a goat, but I'm not much for violence, so I guess that a friendly "Don't be silly" together with a third bearhug is the best idea.

*bearhug*


And onto my issues; I have been feeling... muddled lately. Not depressed but not quite not depressed either. I feel... lost. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing.

I think I lost the ability to feel depressed a few years ago. It wasn't really a depression back then, either, but it was hard. But when I advanced from the primary school to the gymnasium, things became easier, and I'm both stronger and more optimistic now than then. Much more optimistic, without losing my grip on reality, though. But, yeah, sometimes I feel lost. Really, really lost.

I'm young, naive and I want to change the world. And the hardest part is that I know that, to some extent, I'm actually capable of doing just so if I just put all of my mind to it. I could do pretty much anything. I could become a politician who ends all wars and oppression, or a scientist who finds the cure for cancer, or a teacher who helps the next generation become our saviours, or an engineer who solves the energy crisis, or work with catastrophe relief, or aid to third world countries, or, well, my possibilities are almost endless. And I know that I'm capable of becoming anything of that (sort of).

And I don't know what to do. I've decided that computers are what I really want to work with, that I want to do programming, probably computer games, but I still want to do everything else too, and I know that computer games won't save the world. It sometimes feels like I'm betraying humanity if I don't use every asset I have to make the world a better place. I find myself rapidly approaching a fork in the road, where I've got to decide how I shall proceede, but I want to go down every road. And I feel so lost in this world. No wonder I dream myself into imaginary worlds and like roleplaying games...

The Bushranger
2010-05-02, 08:34 PM
Thanks, Rabbit. :smallsmile:
In this particular case, it was dramaz with people bothering other people, so maybe I did the right thing by staying quiet. Sometimes it's easy to second-guess though. Although I have had the "telling people what they want to hear instead of speaking up for myself lest I upset them" issue too sometimes.

also, *hugs Jacklu*

cycoris
2010-05-04, 02:01 AM
More pathetic whinging. Travellers beware.


Mother has definitely said she won't help me pay for college unless she gets to choose my major. Despite all her 'I'll support you no matter what' BS. Well, there goes my plan shot. Of course, now I'm having life plan crisis, because I know exactly what I want to do, but can't do it.

Father is trying to drag me in the middle of some retaliation against my mother for...something. I'm not clear on what, and want nothing to do with it or him. But he won't stop contacting me.

Probably just alienated a friend over an ill-timed joke on his part, to which I drastically overreacted.

Had a fight with two people (counting the one above would make it three) in one week. Before that, I hadn't had a fight with anyone for over two years, besides my mother, who probably doesn't count as a person anyhow. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I keep overreacting to things, and things just keep....being wrong.

What does it mean that I listen to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" when I'm upset?

Zeb The Troll
2010-05-04, 02:08 AM
I'm good at roleplaying games. I can pretend to be people who aren't me, and I'm fairly good at working with and modifying the rules systems of the games I play. That opens so many potential career options.Again I say this is a matter of viewing your assets in a different light. Say to yourself "How can these attributes be put to good use?"

"Good at roleplaying games" could be "Able to empathize/see things from a client perspective".

"Good at working with and modifying the rules" could be "Able to perform within a given framework as well as recommend possible improvements to the framework given" or "Detail oriented".

Also, it seems here that you're looking for a career path and not just a paycheck, so, is there anything you would like to be good at? Maybe you could be if you put your mind to it and did some studying on it. As a "detail oriented" person who's "able to work within a given framework" and "recommend improvements" you might find that you have a knack for coding/debugging/testing, for example.

What post-secondary education do you have? If none, why not?



Mother has definitely said she won't help me pay for college unless she gets to choose my major. Despite all her 'I'll support you no matter what' BS. Well, there goes my plan shot. Of course, now I'm having life plan crisis, because I know exactly what I want to do, but can't do it.Listen to me very closely and pay special attention to my next few words... Yes you can.

There is absolutely no reason that you need your mother's permission to be able to make the career choice you want to make. So she doesn't help out financially. Big deal. That's what student loans are for (and they just recently got easier, as I understand it). You do have to be careful about how indebted you get doing it, but a good rule of thumb, from Clark Howard on CNN, is to use the amount of money you expect to make in your first year on the job and use that as sort of an upper limit for how far in debt to get with undergrad student loans.

There are exceptions to this, depending on what you'd choose, though. For example, I think school teachers can get most of their government subsidized loans forgiven just by being a teacher for ten years and making scheduled payments. But even without that, despite what you agree to when you get the loans, most places that offer student loans are more than willing to work with you to make those payments affordable. (Case in point, Alarra is over $100,000 in debt with student loans after getting her MS degree, but because her income last year was on the low side, her agreed upon monthly payments this year are $0, even though the scheduled amount would have been several hundred dollars per month.)

You should have access to financial counselors at school who can help you to get everything in place. Don't fret it. An investment in your education is an investment in yourself, and therefore is the best investment you can ever make.

Kobold-Bard
2010-05-04, 04:14 AM
More pathetic whinging. Travellers beware.


Mother has definitely said she won't help me pay for college unless she gets to choose my major. Despite all her 'I'll support you no matter what' BS. Well, there goes my plan shot. Of course, now I'm having life plan crisis, because I know exactly what I want to do, but can't do it.

Father is trying to drag me in the middle of some retaliation against my mother for...something. I'm not clear on what, and want nothing to do with it or him. But he won't stop contacting me.

Probably just alienated a friend over an ill-timed joke on his part, to which I drastically overreacted.

Had a fight with two people (counting the one above would make it three) in one week. Before that, I hadn't had a fight with anyone for over two years, besides my mother, who probably doesn't count as a person anyhow. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I keep overreacting to things, and things just keep....being wrong.

What does it mean that I listen to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" when I'm upset?

1. Do not let your parents decide where you go or what you study. Yes you will get into higher education easier but you will be miserable, and three years of misery is just not worth it. I don't have too many details about finances because they're different in the UK, but I had a similar thing when picking unis. Eventually my mother got over it because she saw I was happier where I ended up, hopefully yours will too.

2. This is just my opinion but never get involved in inter-parent feuds. Keep up what you're doing, it's frankly (to my mind) terrible to try and use your child against their other parent. He'll hopefully get the message.

3. Been on both sides of this, it'll blow over. Explain it was circumstances that made you over-react and maybe offer a peace offering (mine was epic size jelly beans).

4. This finances thing is weighing heavily on you and it'll obviously affect your mood/the way your react. As Zeb said there is support for people wanted to continue in education. When these major issues are dealt with it's like someone literally lifted the world off your shoulders, so just give it time.

(I'm not really an advice giving person, so if any/all of this was stupid feel free to ignore it).

Lioness
2010-05-04, 07:40 AM
Cycoris: Feuds with family suck, especially when one parent tries to use you against the other. Dad has been trying to for years, and it's gotten to the point where I just grunt at him and walk off.

As for your mother: she doesn't have the option of telling you what choices you should make. Though really, it depends on whether she's trying to live through you, she's trying to make you choose something that will help you, or she genuinely thinks that the course you want is the wrong one for you. I echo what someone else said: student loans. In Australia, the Government subsidides our university costs, and when the student is earning over a set amount per year, they start paying it back. It allows brilliant people with insufficiant funds to take the courses they really want to.

If that fails, see whether you can talk to her, find out why she wants you to do her choice of course, and shoot her arguments down. See if you can get her to pay half of your university fees, even if you choose the courses you want. If all else fails, well, find a nice, high paying job, and warn her that you may randomly crash in her house.

arguskos
2010-05-04, 12:14 PM
Cycoris. I would give my advice, but I think you know what it would be already. :smallwink: (Read: much the same as Zeb's) You know where to find me, if you wish to speak. I'll try and be on more frequently.

Oh, and *hugs*. Not enough of these going around these days, and yet, they always seem to make folk feel a little bit better. :smallsmile:

Jacklu
2010-05-04, 02:32 PM
*hugs Cycoris* Family feuds suck. I know this from experience. The best option is to just not get involved no matter what. If your dad is pressuring you then tell him outright that you are not interested in getting involved in any way between him and your mother. It is a bit forward and harsh, but from everything you have told about your feelings towards him... well, being blunt and leaving nothing to interpretation can be damaging to a relationship but it does serve its purpose.

As for the college... I'm paying my way through college entirely without family aid. Given your circumstances, you are probably eligible for all kinds of grants and scholarships. Talk to your school's financial aid department about pursuing those options. You might not have to pay for any of your schooling.

For the fighting... Well, all relationships, no matter how intimate or casual will go through rough patches. These patches are tough, but a part of all interpersonal interactions. The best thing to do is let things cool off a little and go to them later to talk about what happened and work it out with them.

In the meantime, *huuuuuuuuuuugs tight*

The Extinguisher
2010-05-04, 11:59 PM
Bah. I hate getting better. It always make feeling bad worse.

School's done, so I've literally done nothing for most of the week except drink and work. Basically I'm feeling pretty useless right now. I need something in my life to actually go out and do.


I don't appreciate what I have. Whenever I'm doing something, I wish I could just lay around all day. Whenever I don't do anything, I hate myself for being unproductive.

I really don't want to grow up. I'm still a kid. I want to be a kid forever. No responsibility. No worries. I'm afraid that I'm losing everything. I'm losing the friends that are closest to me to life. Things change and I don't want that.

I want things to be better. :smallfrown:

Mary Leathert
2010-05-05, 02:13 PM
I'm depressed because at my summer job, which is selling ice cream, I never seem to get the money and the number on the cash register to match at the end of the day. It might only be off by 10 cents or something, but it still matters. Today it was off by 1 euro. And I know the problem is in me, because I both put the numbers in the register and give change.
Just today my boss told me on the phone something about how with this other ice cream selling company, if there are more than two mistakes like this, the missing sum will be taken from your salary, or something in that vein (I could hear that well, as she was I a car at that time, and there was a lot of background noise.
I know counting in my head isn't my strongest point, but there are only two prices, one ball 2,50 and two balls 3,50, so it shouldn't be that difficult to count the change. It could as well be that I have pressed the wrong button on the cash register, but it is almost impossible to know at the end of the day. And it has been very quiet, so I'm afraid of how things will go when it actually gets warm and busy, as there will be much more money to count at the end of the day, at more customers, so I cannot slow down to count the numbers that much.

wrybread
2010-05-05, 06:15 PM
Okay, so a year ago I was this young dude with a decent albeit low-paying job, still having some issues with anxiety & depression mostly left over from high school bullying, but on the whole gradually getting better and pumped for a two-month trip to Europe that I'd been planning for ages. Well it went off and it had its' ups & downs, but on the whole was a great, life-changing experience. When I got back to Canada I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life; I went back to the same job even though I'd really outgrown it and my co-workers warned me that it was slowly going downhill. In the past few months it's come under new, much less pleasant management, at least one employee has been fired, and the concensus is that it's at a low point. All of this is just bringing back past issues and frustrations and making me really uncomfortable and angry most of the time, both at management and at myself for having gone back there and not having the self-esteem to embark on a real career. To top it off, I met a girl right after I got back from the trip, things went well at first and I decided-too soon-to move in with her. I'm saddled with a very grown-up cohabitation that's just layering the stress on. In my heart of hearts I think I'd like to head off traveling again, it seems like you always hear about these people who live freely with no cares and just travel and have fun. But I always seem to choose the route that involves stress, frustration, and a bleak dull life.

Sorry about the wall of text but I'm just at my wit's end here.

Jacklu
2010-05-05, 11:12 PM
First off, *hugs all around* I wish I could offer more help than that. =/ *more hugs for good measure* At the very least, there are people who read what you have to say and care for you all.



Onto my own issues: My depression meds seem to be having several non-board safe side-effects and I still can't find the motivation to contact my doctor about it. :smallfrown: Doesn't help that finals are this week and I am drowning in it (and should be finishing a twelve page paper due in 7 hours) and the fact that I am graduating in a week has me stressed to the point of tears. One of the issues is apparently my nonexistent sex-drive has been given a rather annoying kick in the pants, which I am really not enjoying at all. It is complicating just about everything and compounding my already abundant sex/gender issues. -_- I should talk to my GP about the meds. Should. I resent that I can't get it together enough to actually do so. :smallsigh:

Also, while archive binging on a new webcomic (instead of, you know, working on that big important report that is due tomorrow morning) I came across this comic (http://dollar.jinwicked.com/2009/01/26/get-over-it/) and broke down crying while reading it and the next four strips because of how perfectly it seems to wrap up how I am feeling right now. :smallsigh: Anyways, another meaningless attention whoring post. Night all.

wxdruid
2010-05-07, 04:36 PM
*hugs* and more *hugs* for all those who want one.

Well, today has definitely shown me what lack of the proper amount of sleep does to me.

Went to sleep at 11pm last night (after working the swing shift)
Woke up at 6am, got catlover off to school
Went to a required meeting at work from 8am-9:30am (usually I sleep from 6:45am to 11am or so)
Tried to stay up for work/daytime, but everytime I sat down I just felt rotten, irritated, depressed, tired and generally in a bad mood.
So, I took a nap from 11am-1pm. Still not enough sleep (I usually aim for 10 hrs of sleep). Now, I'm at work and I still feel irritated and annoyed, not completely awake and it definitely is a contrast to the days where I do get enough sleep. In the end, despite what anyone else says to me about my sleeping habits...

I need my sleep! With the CPAP I get enough good sleep during 10 hrs so that I'm awake, alert, happy, well adjusted and want to be awake!

Without enough sleep or to long without the CPAP, well, you might not want to socialize with me. :smalltongue: Some other people just don't understand.

After years of dealing with not getting the right kind of sleep and the struggle with learning to use the CPAP machine, I have to acknowledge that it is the right thing for me. The contrast between then and now is significant and one night of difference only reminds me once again why I do it all.

Hopefully I made sense, who knows. Just wanted to get it all out.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-05-07, 05:13 PM
Ummm...Wow. Falling in love certainly causes one to start losing track of all sorts of important things. One of which has been this thread. Time to start getting back into the swing of things.

The Extinguisher: "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." You may not want things to change, but they will. And if you don't change with life, then you're going to get left behind. Living life means making adjustments. So while you may wish everything would stay the same, it's just not going to happen.

But this doesn't mean you have to abandon the kid within. Heck...I'm 42 and still have a great love of video games. I chase younger women like I'm their age, (and wouldn't ya know it, but I found one that accepts me for who and what I am). You can still be a kid at heart, just as long as you recognize and fulfill your adult responsibilities. As long as you're still doing that, there's no reason to beat yourself up.

Mary Leathert: Okay, my dear. The simple solution comes from lessons my father gave me when I was working the cash register at his shop. Do NOT rely on the register to dictate how much change you give back. Take the money that's been handed to you and lay it in full view of yourself and, hopefully, the customer. Pull the change from the drawer, then COUNT BACKWARDS as you hand it over. The price is $2.50? Okay, they hand you $10. Lay the $10 in view, get the change, and count, "Fifty cents makes three, four, five, and five is ten. Thanks, and have a great day." So they get four single cones and hand you $50. "Ten makes thirty, and twenty makes fifty. Have a nice day." Don't rely on the register, and DON'T LET YOURSELF BE DISTRACTED! One transaction at a time, and don't let the person try to start adding or subtracting money unless they are giving over that $0.50.

I hope that helps with your problem.

Jacklu: Call your doctor. No, you don't seem to understand what I've been saying. Call your doctor. Jacklu...I understand that you're having problems with life in general, but it could be a result of what the meds are doing to you. CALL YOUR DOCTOR!!!

Honestly, telling me that you're not motivated isn't enough. I made this clear when you started taking the meds. I often tout them as being modern miracles, but I'm also aware of the fact that they can be very dangerous. If you are experiencing adverse effects from the meds, you call your doctor, day or night, weekend or not. Because you don't know if continuing to take them or stopping cold will be dangerous. Neither do I. The only one who will know is your doctor, and saying you can't gather the energy to call when you have enough to make a forum post shouts "CONTRADICTION!"

Go get your doc on the phone so that you can continue to work toward that which has been in my signature for years. Or have you been missing it?

BE WELL! :smallsmile:

Teddy
2010-05-07, 05:46 PM
First of all, *bearhugs* to anyone who actually braves to write down their feelings. You deserve it.


I'm depressed because at my summer job, which is selling ice cream, I never seem to get the money and the number on the cash register to match at the end of the day. It might only be off by 10 cents or something, but it still matters. Today it was off by 1 euro. And I know the problem is in me, because I both put the numbers in the register and give change.
Just today my boss told me on the phone something about how with this other ice cream selling company, if there are more than two mistakes like this, the missing sum will be taken from your salary, or something in that vein (I could hear that well, as she was I a car at that time, and there was a lot of background noise.
I know counting in my head isn't my strongest point, but there are only two prices, one ball 2,50 and two balls 3,50, so it shouldn't be that difficult to count the change. It could as well be that I have pressed the wrong button on the cash register, but it is almost impossible to know at the end of the day. And it has been very quiet, so I'm afraid of how things will go when it actually gets warm and busy, as there will be much more money to count at the end of the day, at more customers, so I cannot slow down to count the numbers that much.

I guess that I haven't got any past experience to draw any wisdom from, so I'll have to stick to some general advice and assurance:

I guess that you're pretty new to this job, and thus, that you're still lacking the routine that comes with the job. Are you nervous about your job? Because that might also make it easier to make eventual misstakes. As far as I could determine, it's all about pretty small sums of money, and thus translates to one or two small misshaps in a whole day. Don't let these small misstakes drag you down, but just try to concentrate on your work and perhaps double-check that you've put in the correct amount of money. And I don't think you should be afraid of taking a few seconds extra to make sure that things are done correctly - most people don't mind waiting a few extra seconds, so there shouldn't be any problem unless the line gets really long.


Okay, so a year ago I was this young dude with a decent albeit low-paying job, still having some issues with anxiety & depression mostly left over from high school bullying, but on the whole gradually getting better and pumped for a two-month trip to Europe that I'd been planning for ages. Well it went off and it had its' ups & downs, but on the whole was a great, life-changing experience. When I got back to Canada I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life; I went back to the same job even though I'd really outgrown it and my co-workers warned me that it was slowly going downhill. In the past few months it's come under new, much less pleasant management, at least one employee has been fired, and the concensus is that it's at a low point. All of this is just bringing back past issues and frustrations and making me really uncomfortable and angry most of the time, both at management and at myself for having gone back there and not having the self-esteem to embark on a real career. To top it off, I met a girl right after I got back from the trip, things went well at first and I decided-too soon-to move in with her. I'm saddled with a very grown-up cohabitation that's just layering the stress on. In my heart of hearts I think I'd like to head off traveling again, it seems like you always hear about these people who live freely with no cares and just travel and have fun. But I always seem to choose the route that involves stress, frustration, and a bleak dull life.

Sorry about the wall of text but I'm just at my wit's end here.

Just a question before anything else: How do you rate your likelyhood of getting a better job if you quit now? Perhaps you don't even need to quit before you finally find a new one. If your current job makes you miserable, why do you keep going?

Okay, I know that it isn't easy to break up from a secure living, even though it makes you miserable, but I don't think you've got especially much to lose. Just starting to look for someplace else to work might be a good start. Don't let your current job drag you down, okay?


First off, *hugs all around* I wish I could offer more help than that. =/ *more hugs for good measure* At the very least, there are people who read what you have to say and care for you all.



Onto my own issues: My depression meds seem to be having several non-board safe side-effects and I still can't find the motivation to contact my doctor about it. :smallfrown: Doesn't help that finals are this week and I am drowning in it (and should be finishing a twelve page paper due in 7 hours) and the fact that I am graduating in a week has me stressed to the point of tears. One of the issues is apparently my nonexistent sex-drive has been given a rather annoying kick in the pants, which I am really not enjoying at all. It is complicating just about everything and compounding my already abundant sex/gender issues. -_- I should talk to my GP about the meds. Should. I resent that I can't get it together enough to actually do so. :smallsigh:

Also, while archive binging on a new webcomic (instead of, you know, working on that big important report that is due tomorrow morning) I came across this comic (http://dollar.jinwicked.com/2009/01/26/get-over-it/) and broke down crying while reading it and the next four strips because of how perfectly it seems to wrap up how I am feeling right now. :smallsigh: Anyways, another meaningless attention whoring post. Night all.

Oh, how well don't I know the lack of initiative that hurts you so.

Okay, I'm sorry for that horrible rhyme and I'll make sure to quench whatever flame of creativity that spawned it. But I should note that I think I know how the lack of initiative you're experiencing regarding contacting your doctor feels like. Am I right if I guess that it feels like someone put a heavy weight on you that just presses you to the ground? I've felt that way about a lot of things I actually want to do (last time it happened was earlier today yesterday), but I just can't seem to get around to doing them anyway (and these are things that sometimes are, like, five minutes of clicking and typing away). I guess that my best advice would be to focus single-mindly on meeting your doctor, choose a time and make sure that you prepare everything in time for that. Perhaps an alarm clock might help you break up from whatever you're doing and get you on the track. When you finally manage to pull yourself together, it will feel wonderful (when I manage to do that, it might feel so good to finally be done with it that it actually hampers my initative-taking even more for about a week or so :smallannoyed:).


*hugs* and more *hugs* for all those who want one.

Well, today has definitely shown me what lack of the proper amount of sleep does to me.

Went to sleep at 11pm last night (after working the swing shift)
Woke up at 6am, got catlover off to school
Went to a required meeting at work from 8am-9:30am (usually I sleep from 6:45am to 11am or so)
Tried to stay up for work/daytime, but everytime I sat down I just felt rotten, irritated, depressed, tired and generally in a bad mood.
So, I took a nap from 11am-1pm. Still not enough sleep (I usually aim for 10 hrs of sleep). Now, I'm at work and I still feel irritated and annoyed, not completely awake and it definitely is a contrast to the days where I do get enough sleep. In the end, despite what anyone else says to me about my sleeping habits...

I need my sleep! With the CPAP I get enough good sleep during 10 hrs so that I'm awake, alert, happy, well adjusted and want to be awake!

Without enough sleep or to long without the CPAP, well, you might not want to socialize with me. :smalltongue: Some other people just don't understand.

After years of dealing with not getting the right kind of sleep and the struggle with learning to use the CPAP machine, I have to acknowledge that it is the right thing for me. The contrast between then and now is significant and one night of difference only reminds me once again why I do it all.

Hopefully I made sense, who knows. Just wanted to get it all out.

Hard day, I take it. Is there anything that actively interferes with your sleep schedule, or was this just a one time event? If it's the former case, I can actually recommend allowing yourself to get bored just before bedtime. I've got slight problems with my sleep schedule, especially in the week-ends (because I stay on this forum too long too often :smallwink:), but I've figured out that the best way to get to bed in time is to stop doing whatever your doing some fifteen minutes before you'd like to go to bed. Then just wander around aimlessly and gaze through the windows untill you get bored and, suddenly, going to bed seems much easier.

Anyway, good luck everybody.

wxdruid
2010-05-07, 06:12 PM
I tend to be strict with my sleep cycle and who unto the person who disturbs it. catlover has learned this well...

On the swing shift, I normally go to sleep right after work, so between 10pm to 11:30pm depending on when I actually get home and get ready for bed. I sleep til 6am, pick up catlover, send her off to school and I'm usually back asleep from 6:45am to 10:30am to 11am. On my off evenings, I usually go to bed between 10pm to 11pm and wake up around 9 or 9:30am. It's pretty much the same. As long as I follow it, I get my required sleep. I resent when work interferes in that schedule by scheduling meetings during my sleeping period. Thankfully, I can sleep in tomorrow and catch up a little.

Jacklu
2010-05-07, 11:04 PM
I broke down crying out of nowhere, had a panic attack, lashed out with some stupid and cruel words at one of the few people that have been there for me no matter how bad my depression got and am now crying again... I'm going to sleep then calling my doctor before work tomorrow, assuming I get out of bed in time. ... I have the feeling this would all be so much easier if I just... :smallfrown:

Quincunx
2010-05-08, 05:10 AM
Mary Leathert: Was this also a problem pre-euro? I'm asking because, while it's very nice they designed the coins for easy distinction by the blind, they could've given some more consideration to the sighted as far as distinguishing the 10- and 20- eurocent coins. I am not dyscalculic yet, after four years, am still having trouble distinguishing those coins. :smallyuk: With the yellow coins, it's easier to count them by eye by turning the silly things onto their distinctive edges. That's counter-intuitive.

HellfireLover
2010-05-08, 09:35 AM
Urgh. I thought life was getting easier.

My already-uneasy truce with my body is breaking down under external and internal pressures, and on top of that, I am suffering from sacroiliitis which limits my mobility. I'm quite literally trapped in this house at the moment. My relationship, again at the stage of uneasy truce, is also beginning to crack around the edges (or hell, straight through the middle). I must pretend that everything is hunky-dory, because if I offer the slightest criticism, it becomes a major drama. I thought getting a full time job, despite it being out of town, would be a good thing, because the struggle to keep head financially above water is not getting easier day to day; however it's caused a huge argument and my partner basically threatened to walk out on me.

I'm strangely resigned to it (probably due to immobility). Just a couple of weeks back I was walking by the river and was seized with the strong urge to climb the barrier and just go down and lie in the water for... as long as it took to be forgotten. I've lost all urges to make any impression on this world. Ambition is a curse, for making you want to live for futile reasons.

So yeah, kind of hating my life right now.

ETA: Aaaaand one of our neighbours has just taken a chainsaw to all the mature trees in his garden, razing it to the ground, destroying all the songbird habitat, and generally committing an act of environmental vandalism. Just when I thought I couldn't get more hacked off.

Teddy
2010-05-08, 03:30 PM
Urgh. I thought life was getting easier.

Sad to hear. *bearhugs*


...because if I offer the slightest criticism, it becomes a major drama.

Is it because your partner is bad at taking critisism, or because your critisism comes out harsher than you meant? The former his hard for you to change, but if it is the latter, then it might help to think everything through before saying it.


I thought getting a full time job, despite it being out of town, would be a good thing, because the struggle to keep head financially above water is not getting easier day to day; however it's caused a huge argument and my partner basically threatened to walk out on me.

Is it your job, or your partners job? What is the concern? Why does he threaten to leave you?


I'm strangely resigned to it (probably due to immobility). Just a couple of weeks back I was walking by the river and was seized with the strong urge to climb the barrier and just go down and lie in the water for... as long as it took to be forgotten. I've lost all urges to make any impression on this world. Ambition is a curse, for making you want to live for futile reasons.

So yeah, kind of hating my life right now.

Don't. And ambition is no curse, it's a bless. While not being able to fullfill your ambitions might be frustrating, having a goal to look forward to makes it possible to overcome the obstacles that are presented to you on a daily basis and makes you strive for making your reality better. Don't forget that!

arguskos
2010-05-09, 09:08 PM
Augh.

There's a disease that some of us suffer from. It's called "foot-in-mouth" disease. I suffer from it terribly. Last night, I offended a friend like a moron, and barely managed to explain and backpedal enough for them to understand and forgive (I think...). I also made a crappy and mean comment the other day to someone on the forums, was called on it, and felt like a thicky.

Jesus, I need to stop posting. I'd just up and leave, but I'm in 3rd PbP games and am running a 4th, so I can't really. Still, honestly, I'd really like to just vanish, so people didn't have to suffer my presence any further.

Teddy
2010-05-10, 03:23 AM
Augh.

There's a disease that some of us suffer from. It's called "foot-in-mouth" disease. I suffer from it terribly. Last night, I offended a friend like a moron, and barely managed to explain and backpedal enough for them to understand and forgive (I think...). I also made a crappy and mean comment the other day to someone on the forums, was called on it, and felt like a thicky.

Saying things you didn't mean is pretty common, and so very human. Commendations to those who regret and those who forgive. Make sure to prove to them that you didn't intend to hurt them by treating them nice otherwise, and they'll forgive and forget.


Jesus, I need to stop posting. I'd just up and leave, but I'm in 3rd PbP games and am running a 4th, so I can't really. Still, honestly, I'd really like to just vanish, so people didn't have to suffer my presence any further.


Why? I don't think that anyone suffers from your mere presence. Vanishing will just leave a hole of emptiness for those who likes your presence here, and remember that you can allways try to righten your misdoings by showing that you are truly regretful. Dissappearing won't solve anything.

Good luck! *bearhug*

742
2010-05-10, 05:36 AM
More pathetic whinging. Travellers beware.


Mother has definitely said she won't help me pay for college unless she gets to choose my major. Despite all her 'I'll support you no matter what' BS. Well, there goes my plan shot. Of course, now I'm having life plan crisis, because I know exactly what I want to do, but can't do it.

Father is trying to drag me in the middle of some retaliation against my mother for...something. I'm not clear on what, and want nothing to do with it or him. But he won't stop contacting me.

Probably just alienated a friend over an ill-timed joke on his part, to which I drastically overreacted.

Had a fight with two people (counting the one above would make it three) in one week. Before that, I hadn't had a fight with anyone for over two years, besides my mother, who probably doesn't count as a person anyhow. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I keep overreacting to things, and things just keep....being wrong.

What does it mean that I listen to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" when I'm upset?

why not just start working on money saving up until you switch your major and either you have a chance to make it with saved up cash; or you call your mother's bluff, theres mild anger, and she keeps paying. its not the nice solution; but it sounds like theres something specific she wants you to do and that conflicts with what you want to do. whos more important to you and who knows you better? if the answers to these questions are not both "me" then maybe theres something wrong here.

Helanna
2010-05-10, 08:56 PM
Augh.

There's a disease that some of us suffer from. It's called "foot-in-mouth" disease. I suffer from it terribly. Last night, I offended a friend like a moron, and barely managed to explain and backpedal enough for them to understand and forgive (I think...). I also made a crappy and mean comment the other day to someone on the forums, was called on it, and felt like a thicky.

Jesus, I need to stop posting. I'd just up and leave, but I'm in 3rd PbP games and am running a 4th, so I can't really. Still, honestly, I'd really like to just vanish, so people didn't have to suffer my presence any further.


Just thought I'd chime in here. I'm pretty sure that no one suffers from your presence here. I actually like seeing you post, because I know that you're having a really rough time, and seeing you post reassures me that you're at least alright enough to post and be active in a community that cares about you.

Which probably seems a bit creepy coming from someone you don't know . . . at all . . . but oh well. It's true. :smalltongue:

arguskos
2010-05-10, 09:04 PM
Just thought I'd chime in here. I'm pretty sure that no one suffers from your presence here. I actually like seeing you post, because I know that you're having a really rough time, and seeing you post reassures me that you're at least alright enough to post and be active in a community that cares about you.

Which probably seems a bit creepy coming from someone you don't know . . . at all . . . but oh well. It's true. :smalltongue:
Coming from someone who is actually respected by others in the community, that means quite a bit. Granted, I don't exactly SEEK the respect of the folks here, hoping my actions do it for me, but, yeah. This made a lot more sense in my head, I swear. :smallsigh:

Teddy, I would respond to your post thoroughly, but honestly, I can't find the will to do so. Suffice to say, yeah, you're probably right on all counts. I'm just pretty rough on myself at nearly all junctures, cause I've got some severe self-esteem/image issues. I dunno though, sometimes, I do feel as though it would be better if I wasn't about to say stupid crap. I have to defend my statements SO MUCH that I'm getting very very tired of it now, since nearly every time I open my mouth, someone jumps on it and goes "a-ha! This is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is... etc etc etc". Thus, the genesis of my "I need to stop talking so much" comment. :smallsigh:

ReluctantReaper
2010-05-10, 09:30 PM
arguskos i know exactly how you feel because i get the same stuff, just in everyday life and sometimes i know that it is really tough and annoying and you just want to get away from it all buuuut you cant...not really. How I deal with it is just by every so often talking to people and letting it all out, and even then I always look forward to tomorrow and how every day is a blessing. Yeah sometimes life may be mean and mess with you and people can be rude and jerks and everything in between but you just go on to not care about the people that are not important to you..



Sorry if this is really off topic and not helpful, I just wanted to help and i guess write down what i really want to do in my own situations..um...*gives cookie*

The Fiery Tower
2010-05-11, 12:43 AM
Things seem to be veering off from "good" to "extremely frustrating"

My personality appears to be bugging one sister to the point of hating me, one sister who I thought was close to do what I feel is turn against me, and unintentionally hurting my mother.

School is being depressing right now too. My grades are slipping, I have very few people I would call friends, and I feel like I falling behind on a running treadmill. Everything seems to be crumbling at the same time my confidence is.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-05-11, 09:07 AM
*sigh* You people...Oh, you know who you are. You come here and post, saying things like, "everyone hates me," or, "my problems aren't really worth the attention, but I'm gonna post anyway." You make me want to pull out hair that is already thinning. You all need to be slapped with a goat, but there simply aren't enough goats in the world to deal with you! :smalltongue:

When my fiancee left me in January of 2000, my life was utterly shattered. I didn't really have any friends. I knew some neighbors, was acquainted with some coworkers, and that was about it. So I moved on to Las Vegas, where I was just as friendless. When I lost my very last job in May of 2000, I finally cracked. I returned to NY, where I was hospitalized within a month for depression.

What followed was a very long battle with Social Security. I was on welfare, and was once again friendless. Housemates aren't always friends, especially when you're FORCED to live with them. (Thankfully, my current housemates ARE friends.) In fact, one of said enforced housemates attacked me in my sleep, solidifying PTSD as one of my psychological problems. When I finally got my SSD, along with retroactive pay, I was able to move to Phoenix, AZ...

...where I was deceived into thinking I had friends. It's amazing that someone in their late 30's and early 40's can still run into the same nonsense one experiences in high school. Everyone is still trying to outdo one another, and so the lying and deception still occurs. In a most technical sense, I remained friendless.

But you know where my friends were? Right here on GitP. Starting in December of 2006, I met some of the most amazing people, some of whom went above and beyond the call of duty. Some of them have faded into the background, while others have been cemented to me. This place...this thread...has been the key to my survival more times than I can count.

I mention all of this to add some perspective to your woes. I am not trying to downplay them at all. (And if you think that, you don't know me.) I'm trying to make you realize that there is good amongst the bad. Sometimes those good things are obvious, while at other times - most times - you have to overturn every rock in sight to find it.

What I'm also trying to tell you is that when you think no one cares, or that your problems aren't worth the calories burned to express them, this thread, and the people here, will likely have something helpful to say. And ALL of it is helpful. Yes, even YOU, who can only think to offer up an e-hug...It can mean the world to someone who is carrying a mental load that's entirely too heavy for them.

And none of this brief rant/pep talk, (yes, you apparently CAN combine the two), means you should all go out and instantly be happy. Mental illness, even just temporary bouts of it, doesn't work that way. What it means is that you'll always have somewhere to go when you're down to find people who care, be they empathetic strangers or lasting friends. And if for whatever reason this thread fades away, and there is a need for it again...Well, as long as GitP remains, there will always be the opportunity to start a new thread where all of it can happen again.

Okay. My work is done here. This is a thoroughly twitterpated Bor, signing off...for the time being. :smallsmile:

smellie_hippie
2010-05-11, 09:41 AM
Ok,

So I'm having a really rough time right now. My mother had a fairly significant stroke on Sunday (last, not Mother's day). I also learned that she had a relapse/extension of some sort just yesteday morning. She is unable to show enough progress to be accepted to a rehab facility, and so remains in the stroke recovery unit in the ER.

I'm feeling quite detatched and numb, and I find that I am trying to "force myself" into going on with life. There is nothign I can do at this point, and I can't afford to take any additional time off to cehck on her as often as I'd like.

I'm even now staring at the screen and keyboard thinking if there is anythign else to say... but I've got nothing. That's all for now. :smallfrown:

Dallas-Dakota
2010-05-11, 09:52 AM
*hugs*

:smallfrown:

I hope she gets well soon.

You know we're all here for you, Hippie.

Zanaril
2010-05-11, 02:10 PM
I'm not having a good week so far.

On both days some small amount of teasing as school has caused me to completely break down into tears. My form tutor almost had to drag me to the learning support base from where I was curled up in the corridor outside her classroom. I should be able to handle people two or three years younger than me shouting in my ear, or throwing things at me, or jeering as I walk past, but it seems I'm so tetchy recently that I'll just start crying over silly teasing. I spent two hours each time curled up on the sofa in pretty much total irrational terror of anyone who came too near or spoke too loudly.

Some of it might be anxiety of exams, which are looming up over the horizon and charging forward at full speed. I screwed up too much on my January ones, and I'm worried that I'll snap and do something stupid if I mess up these ones too. Part of me wonders why I'm bothering in the first place; the rest is trying desperately to motivate myself to revise.

But my parents are being supportive, which is a gladly taken step in the right direction. I've finally managed to get counselling, which admittedly isn't helping so far but at least I'm talking to someone, something I've been out of the habit of doing for far too long.

I'm feeling a bit better this evening, although self-disgust is still gnawing at the back of my mind.

dawnsolara
2010-05-11, 02:20 PM
*Hugs*

I was teased in school, too, but have been lucky enough that those memories are almost gone, though I cannot say it doesn't still affect me. I can say, however, that counseling helped me tremendously, as did talking to people - whoever would, or wanted to, listen to me.

I hope it helps you as much as it did me.

Good luck on exams, too.

*Hugs once more*

Teddy
2010-05-11, 04:32 PM
First of all, I'm sorry that I haven't responded earlier, even though I know that I really haven't got any obligation to do so. Anyway, I still feel that I must try to help people in my vicinity (in this case it's the distance to my computer that counts). I have some... bad choices in the past to make up for. You all who posts in this thread deserve a bearhug anyway. *bearhugs*


Teddy, I would respond to your post thoroughly, but honestly, I can't find the will to do so. Suffice to say, yeah, you're probably right on all counts. I'm just pretty rough on myself at nearly all junctures, cause I've got some severe self-esteem/image issues. I dunno though, sometimes, I do feel as though it would be better if I wasn't about to say stupid crap. I have to defend my statements SO MUCH that I'm getting very very tired of it now, since nearly every time I open my mouth, someone jumps on it and goes "a-ha! This is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is wrong, and this is... etc etc etc". Thus, the genesis of my "I need to stop talking so much" comment. :smallsigh:

:smallfrown:

I want to help, but sometimes I lack the experience needed to do so, and this situation is such a case. I'm resting somewhere in the opposite end of this spectrum: I think so much about what I'm going to say, that I actually won't be able to say as much as I want to, because the conversation has already moved on (and I'm almost always full of words and ideas that needs to be expressed. I'm a master of suppressing myself, sadly). I don't think a second bearhug will do nearly enough, but hopefully it will at least cheer you up just a bit. *bearhugs*.


Sorry if this is really off topic and not helpful, I just wanted to help and i guess write down what i really want to do in my own situations..um...*gives cookie*

How can helpful advice ever be off topic in this thread? It's certainly most welcome.


Things seem to be veering off from "good" to "extremely frustrating"

My personality appears to be bugging one sister to the point of hating me, one sister who I thought was close to do what I feel is turn against me, and unintentionally hurting my mother.

School is being depressing right now too. My grades are slipping, I have very few people I would call friends, and I feel like I falling behind on a running treadmill. Everything seems to be crumbling at the same time my confidence is.

It's almost never a coincidence that things start to crumble at the same time as the confidence does. It's sort of a fact that the one who believes that he will fail, does, and failiure in itself causes bad confidence, which leads to more failiure... Yeah, it's all an evil spiral of ever-growing despair. Find someone who you can talk to - preferably someone schooled in psychology, who knows how to help - because this sounds like a burgeoning depression to me. It will help, trust me.


Ok,

So I'm having a really rough time right now. My mother had a fairly significant stroke on Sunday (last, not Mother's day). I also learned that she had a relapse/extension of some sort just yesteday morning. She is unable to show enough progress to be accepted to a rehab facility, and so remains in the stroke recovery unit in the ER.

I'm feeling quite detatched and numb, and I find that I am trying to "force myself" into going on with life. There is nothign I can do at this point, and I can't afford to take any additional time off to cehck on her as often as I'd like.

I'm even now staring at the screen and keyboard thinking if there is anythign else to say... but I've got nothing. That's all for now. :smallfrown:

It sounds to me as if you need some time to think things through and find a way to cope with your worries. Hopefully your mother will get better, and don't lose your hope, it will help you keep your grip on reality.


I'm not having a good week so far.

On both days some small amount of teasing as school has caused me to completely break down into tears. My form tutor almost had to drag me to the learning support base from where I was curled up in the corridor outside her classroom. I should be able to handle people two or three years younger than me shouting in my ear, or throwing things at me, or jeering as I walk past, but it seems I'm so tetchy recently that I'll just start crying over silly teasing. I spent two hours each time curled up on the sofa in pretty much total irrational terror of anyone who came too near or spoke too loudly.

Some of it might be anxiety of exams, which are looming up over the horizon and charging forward at full speed. I screwed up too much on my January ones, and I'm worried that I'll snap and do something stupid if I mess up these ones too. Part of me wonders why I'm bothering in the first place; the rest is trying desperately to motivate myself to revise.

But my parents are being supportive, which is a gladly taken step in the right direction. I've finally managed to get counselling, which admittedly isn't helping so far but at least I'm talking to someone, something I've been out of the habit of doing for far too long.

I'm feeling a bit better this evening, although self-disgust is still gnawing at the back of my mind.

You should not demand from yourself that you should be able to cope with the teasing these... :smallfurious: (...I don't even know a word that is suitable for describing these jerks...) ...subjects you to, even if they're younger than you. Perhaps hitting them really hard is a way to get your point across, but I wouldn't suggest that, it being all violent and uncivilized and breaching all my pacifistic principles. Those... (I really should expand my English vocabulary to include some useful words for situations like these...) ...have no rights to do this to you, and it's they, not you that are to be loathed. I've broken down for less, so you shouldn't see yourself as especially tetchy. Find some authority figure to help you deal with this problem, and that's fast. These problems doesn't tend to solve themselves on their own, and trust me, it's always much worse than you try to believe it is.

Dallas-Dakota
2010-05-11, 04:43 PM
Well it looks like Teddy is taking over as regular hug-giver here.:smalltongue:

As for me umm. Yeah, I've been depressed for quite some time now. Hoped one of my hobbies(not a every week hobby) would make me snap out of it. Kinda did, but straight after I was depressed again.

My main issue is that I'm ******* lazy.

Literally aside from my body and chronic diseases, that's my only problem.

I just....can't...bring myself to do anything.
Especially if I had it planned.

Which is really screwing up my college work and everything.
And I need to be sending internship request thingies, which I could've sent weeks ago. But I haven't yet.:smallsigh:

One position is way over my head, but I'm still going to try.(It's ment for a higher level of education. And it's a club, where one of my responsibilities would be leading a team of adults. As a 17 year old)
The other is via family, but my uncle had a heart infact thingy(don't know translation), which is fine now, and got something more, which is fine now too. But he needs loads of rest, so I don't want to bother my aunt...

Anyway, I'm screwing up my life. And the worst thing is. I know I can stop it. But at the same time, I....can't....

There's more, but eh. I've whined more then enough here.

So, err, yeah. Thought I'd mention it here, since apparently I've been quiet and sad in the playground lately.

dawnsolara
2010-05-11, 10:18 PM
My roommate just let me know (in a note, after being rather nasty the whole night and a couple of days before now) that he and his boyfriend are probably breaking up. Oh, and he's not sure when/IF he's waking up. But, you know, don't disturb him.

On top of that, well, my life is changing rather quickly - I'm graduating soon, and going on to professional school, moving to a different city, and pretty much being booted from my mom's - and my thyroid is acting up. So I'm overweight, exercising 4 or 5 times a week for about 1 hour each, and not losing weight. Because my thyroid doesn't work.

Argh. Had to get it all out.

But I did get one thing straight - he's not harming himself. Because I'll be darned if I'm going to explain any harm that came to him to any of our friends or parents.

The Rose Dragon
2010-05-11, 11:59 PM
I'm having a great time lately, even though most of it comes from tragic events and realizations.

Therapy is weird when it makes you happy that you feel wrecked with sadness.

golentan
2010-05-12, 12:46 AM
A toast to Death: The only companion who has and will remain with me when all others are nought but ash and vague memories flitting just out of view of my mind's eye.

Teddy
2010-05-12, 06:01 AM
Well it looks like Teddy is taking over as regular hug-giver here.:smalltongue:

It's every teddybear's responsibility to hug those in need. It's like in the dictionary, or something. I'm not trying to take over, though. No-no, everyone's happier with more hugs. More huggers - more happiness. That's the philosophy of the cuddlies. And therefore, free bearhugs for all!

*bearhugs*


As for me umm. Yeah, I've been depressed for quite some time now. Hoped one of my hobbies(not a every week hobby) would make me snap out of it. Kinda did, but straight after I was depressed again.

My main issue is that I'm ******* lazy.

Literally aside from my body and chronic diseases, that's my only problem.

I just....can't...bring myself to do anything.
Especially if I had it planned.

Which is really screwing up my college work and everything.
And I need to be sending internship request thingies, which I could've sent weeks ago. But I haven't yet.:smallsigh:

One position is way over my head, but I'm still going to try.(It's ment for a higher level of education. And it's a club, where one of my responsibilities would be leading a team of adults. As a 17 year old)
The other is via family, but my uncle had a heart infact thingy(don't know translation), which is fine now, and got something more, which is fine now too. But he needs loads of rest, so I don't want to bother my aunt...

Anyway, I'm screwing up my life. And the worst thing is. I know I can stop it. But at the same time, I....can't....

There's more, but eh. I've whined more then enough here.

So, err, yeah. Thought I'd mention it here, since apparently I've been quiet and sad in the playground lately.

Laziness will be my downfall some day, but not today (I estimate it to be one year and a summer break in the future). Anyway, I know your problem well. There are a lot of things that I should do, but don't, because I'm lazy (there are a few other underlying issues as well, but I don't feel like bringing them up right now). My biggest problem is perhaps that I'm actually getting along really good without doing especially much, which just prevents me from actively trying to take care of this negative characteristic of mine.

My best tip to you is to exaggerate your preparations for anything planned. It isn't a failproof method, but it has a higher chance of working, at least for me. The more you prepare, the harder it is to turn around, so you'll more or less force yourself into doing whatever you're supposed to do. It's, as I said, not failprof, but it's my best tip, coming from someone suffering from cronic laziness himself. :smallwink:


To the rest of you: either I'm not really sure about how to interpret everything you've written, or I just feel that you don't really need any deep advice right now, but I guess that you can all have a hug each. Even Golentan.

*bearhugs*

Dallas-Dakota
2010-05-12, 12:07 PM
Yeaaah.

See, I'm pretty decent at most stuffs, but I'm great at talking bull****.


I think my only good quality is talking to a crowd and keeping them interested, really. >.>

*should probably book his traintrip to the Uk-meet-up* >.>

Zanaril
2010-05-12, 03:08 PM
Today was exactly like the previous two days.

Except this time there were more of them, they were following me around, and I accidentaly punched one of them in the face. I thought I'd gotten over doing that kind of stupid, impulsive, childish thing; apparently not. At this point I'm wondering if I should even be in school if I'm going to fly off the handle like that, I might end up hurting someone who was just in the wrong place. 17 year olds shouldn't start crying their eyes out in the middle of the corridor like I did. I'm not sleeping very well either, keep waking up around 5am, not being able to get back to sleep, and then having to nap for an hour or two when I get home from school.

Dallas-Dakota
2010-05-12, 05:10 PM
Zanaril, first of all. That sucks. *hugs*

Usually I'd suggest sleeping pills to help fix the sleep issue, but really, it would be far better to solve the stuff which is causing it.
Namely what happens during the day.

Also, you punched one in the face and they're still bullying you? They really usually stop after being punched in the face...

Maybe you could try to hold it in a bit and go to the bathroom, where you can have some privacy to cry?

Is there any student counseling? Or maybe your parents?
Having somebody IRL you can talk to can really help. Perhaps that way you get to express your emotions by talking instead of crying.

I'm no expert though, I wish you the best of luck. *hugs*

Zanaril
2010-05-12, 05:20 PM
Zanaril, first of all. That sucks. *hugs*
Thanks. *recieves hug*

Also, you punched one in the face and they're still bullying you? They really usually stop after being punched in the face...
You'd think so, but it doesn't work. Now they'll pick on me because I hurt one of their friends.

Maybe you could try to hold it in a bit and go to the bathroom, where you can have some privacy to cry?
Normally I do, it's just been worse this week.Actually the girl's bathrooms tend to be rather crowded; during lesson time the corridors are actually more empty. It's pretty hard to find somewhere where you're not surrounded by people.


Is there any student counseling? Or maybe your parents?
Having somebody IRL you can talk to can really help. Perhaps that way you get to express your emotions by talking instead of crying.
I'm having counselling, although it's not really helping yet. My parents know there's a problem, but they're not sure how to help. I haven't told them what's been happening this week.

Teddy
2010-05-12, 05:21 PM
Today was exactly like the previous two days.

Except this time there were more of them, they were following me around, and I accidentaly punched one of them in the face. I thought I'd gotten over doing that kind of stupid, impulsive, childish thing; apparently not. At this point I'm wondering if I should even be in school if I'm going to fly off the handle like that, I might end up hurting someone who was just in the wrong place. 17 year olds shouldn't start crying their eyes out in the middle of the corridor like I did. I'm not sleeping very well either, keep waking up around 5am, not being able to get back to sleep, and then having to nap for an hour or two when I get home from school.

Don't take this as an insult (because it isn't, honest), but I think that the best response to this is what I wrote in response to your last post:


You should not demand from yourself that you should be able to cope with the teasing these... :smallfurious: (...I don't even know a word that is suitable for describing these jerks...) ...subjects you to, even if they're younger than you. Perhaps hitting them really hard is a way to get your point across, but I wouldn't suggest that, it being all violent and uncivilized and breaching all my pacifistic principles. Those... (I really should expand my English vocabulary to include some useful words for situations like these...) ...have no rights to do this to you, and it's they, not you that are to be loathed. I've broken down for less, so you shouldn't see yourself as especially tetchy. Find some authority figure to help you deal with this problem, and that's fast. These problems doesn't tend to solve themselves on their own, and trust me, it's always much worse than you try to believe it is.

Add some exclamation marks to a few random sentences here and there, and I think I've gotten most of it covered... Oh, it seems as if hitting people didn't work, but that probably wasn't that unexpected.

Self-directed sarcasm aside, you really should find someone capable of solving this issue major problem. You're afraid that you might hurt someone innocient, which means that this is even larger than I believed it to be at first (and I suspected it to be really bad already from the beginning). These... (I still haven't found a good word to describe these beings) ...are acting in a way that they have no right to, whatsoever, and they need to be stopped. Find someone who can help you, be it a teacher, an intimidating friend or pretty much anyone who might be able of solving this. THIS PROBLEM WON'T SOLVE ITSELF, NOR ARE YOU TO BLAME FOR IT! Find someone to deal with this problem NOW, because it's threatening to get out of control, and they won't stop until someone set them straight. It's them who are comitting the evil acts, not you, and this is a problem that really is larger than you might imagine. Remember that.

*deep breath*

Okay, I was/am somewhat angry (not at you, but them) while writing this, so my text might seem a bit unstructured and repetive. But, just try to deal with this problem, please. :smallfrown:

Good luck! *bearhugs*

cycoris
2010-05-12, 09:02 PM
So that's it, isn't it? You say something stupid, you hurt someone, and then you just try to minimise your effect on their life so that it won't happen again. Inevitably, this leads to being a hermit. I think just not existing would be so much less messy and painful. :smallsigh:

...I wish that there was just one person with whom I could be trusted.

arguskos
2010-05-12, 09:08 PM
...I wish that there was just one person with whom I could be trusted.
*waves* Hi, glad to meet you. How are ya? My name is Argus, and I'm a fairly chill guy (when I'm not having an insane moment).

In other news, *hugs*

golentan
2010-05-13, 01:03 AM
Worst day I've had in years.

The day after my Day of Mourning (where I spend time going to all of the graves of people I knew: that was the post yesterday), I wake up, already in an off mood from yesterday: I lose my book. My car won't start. I get assigned the most hostile case I've ever encountered at work, including being personally insulted and having a door slammed in my face. My friend is angry at me and won't tell me why. My pet died. And, to cap it off, I now have food poisoning. From my birthday tart. My birthday food. Gave me food poisoning. On the day my bird died. The weird thing is I don't even feel sad about it right now. It's swung round back into comedy for me. I'm having a good time, except that I'm in tremendous physical pain and when I laugh I start dry heaving again.

I'll probably spend tomorrow in a deep funk, I'm burying Comet then and it's my day off, so I don't have to smile and the irony will probably seem more distant when I wake up and am still ill with a dead pet.

The Rose Dragon
2010-05-13, 01:07 AM
So, could someone with experience on therapy get in touch with me? Preferably over MSN or AIM? Cause I have some questions for them.

Ricky S
2010-05-14, 09:51 AM
So that's it, isn't it? You say something stupid, you hurt someone, and then you just try to minimise your effect on their life so that it won't happen again. Inevitably, this leads to being a hermit. I think just not existing would be so much less messy and painful. :smallsigh:

...I wish that there was just one person with whom I could be trusted.

Please dont become a hermit. I know life is painful sometimes but hiding away isnt going to do you any good. You can't go through life without hurting people but as long as you realise what you did hurt them then you shouldnt feel guilty about it. Not existing would not be great either. Think about all the good things that you would miss out on.

You can be trusted with me. There are probably plenty of people that you can be trusted with and you don't even realise it :smallsmile:.

Quincunx
2010-05-14, 02:49 PM
Nod. Being a hermit is definitely one of those "do it for yourself" life goals. (Somewhat like majoring in English/literature.)

Alternately, you could learn to apologize for whatever hurt you may have caused, and do so, and resolve not to repeat the action which led to the hurt. Yes, three separate steps.

Matticus
2010-05-16, 04:32 AM
These... (I still haven't found a good word to describe these beings)

I would say "scum". But, I'm a pretty forgiving and mellow guy when it comes to bullying. not.

Actually some juniors at my high school keep talking to me, asking if I want to be in the army. I'm not really sure what they mean by it, if they think it's going to annoy me or that they're really funny guys or something.

Anyway I have good news. Although nobody in the forum actually knows me, I, too, am a sufferer of laziness (one of the many). After failing my last assessment (9 credits, about a third of my history credits in total, gone forever; I didn't finish or come close to finishing, despite having ~2 months), I actually did the work on this one. Handing it in tomorrow (late, but I've been ill) and hoping I pass and get the 6 this is worth.
I probably won't; I don't actually produce good work when I'm not lazy, I've noticed. But doing it felt good.

...have a good day everyone. :smallsmile:

AngelSword
2010-05-16, 01:16 PM
I had a realization the other day. My ex once accused me of standing still, which, is now as it was then, not true. I had assumed it was because she was projecting onto me, what with her refusal to join the real world after her graduation. When I thought about it, though, I was only half right. She was projecting on me her own standstill, but it wasn't for her seemingly arbitrary choice to continue school (which may still be part of it).

I don't remember what caused it, but I got to thinking of the two long term characters she's played in my games (Acantha and Takoyaki). And their backstories are both strikingly similar; some major traumatic event in her past that emotionally scarred her, and ultimately spurred her to action. What's even stranger, however, is that it is mirrors her actual life almost exactly.

When I realized this, I was overcome with this feeling of remorseful sorrow. This woman that I loved (or still love, or may not actually love anymore, I'm not sure) is still trying to make up for that scared little girl, crying and trying to come to terms with what happened. And every time I find myself getting mad at her, I feel that same sort of injustice-induced pity.

I don't know why I feel that I need to voice this, but there it is.

Tyrandar
2010-05-16, 01:33 PM
*hugs all around*

Tyr is very confused. Also lazy, and depressed.

Rutskarn
2010-05-16, 09:49 PM
Christ, what the hell. Might as well get this off my chest.

In college, I've got a steady group of friends. For the most part, they're kind, funny, nerdy, and smart--all of my favorite things, really. There'd be no problem, except for my fifth friend, who I'll call John.

John is...well, I mean, I don't know how much he can help it, but he's creepy. He speaks softly, has an odd sense of humor, and maintains a consistent Ted Kaczynski appearance, with long, unwashed hair and a thick growth of beard hair. He tends to walk a little too close to people, and is blunt about his more offensive beliefs.

Naturally, he's my roommate. That's probably why he hangs out with us, and because I doubt any other circle would take him.

Most of my friends tread lightly around John, or ignore him if they're not in the mood to deal with it. But one of them (who we'll call Steve) tends to antagonize people he doesn't like, and John fell out of his favor when John implied, repeatedly, that he didn't respect Steve's beliefs and thought he was stupid for having them. So, Steve's been kind of snipping at him all year.

Problem is, John bottles up his frustration and anger at people, and eventually, he snaps. One time he yelled at a person--the only time he'd raised his voice the whole year--shouted that he hated them, and actually kicked him, physically. He was back to talking to the guy normally (for him) the next day.

Anyway, while I was away today, Steve pushed John a little too far. John said something like, "Do you want to die?" and Steve didn't take it very well. I kind of yelled at Steve for antagonizing him like that (when I'd previously asked him not to), but what was once a not-so-subtle dislike from Steve's part and an apparent ambivalence from John's part has become open anger and contempt.

Like I said: I talked to Steve, and he's agreed to tone it down. Now I need to talk to John. I'm actually afraid of how he's going to take it--as in, afraid he's going to lose his temper at me, and then I'm going to be forced to live in the same room as him the rest of the year. I'm a tiny bit afraid he'll even get violent, but this conversation needs to be hand. For his own sake, John needs to understand not to bottle up his anger like this, because everyone who would have tentatively called him a friend is now terrified of him.

Eesh.

blackfox
2010-05-17, 01:41 AM
Eesh.Without knowing John, I can't really give specific advice, but... from my experience dealing with people who are angry/aggressive, it's generally a good idea not to respond angrily/aggressively/loudly. When you talk to John, don't bait him. Explain calmly and quietly whatever it is you're going to say. If he loses his temper and starts yelling, wait till he stops yelling to continue. Don't try to interrupt him. Try as best you can to make sure you're not solely criticizing him--you could mention that people were concerned at the level of anger that John directed at him, but that you've got Steve to agree to lay off and stop sniping at John. If you're being critical, try to surround the actual criticism with something neutral or positive.

This probably is not the most helpful of posts, being written at 2:35 AM, but eh, might as well throw in my two cents.

Teddy
2010-05-17, 05:53 AM
I've been away during the weekend, so that's why I haven't responded during this time. I'll also have a lot of schoolwork this week, so my free time will be very limited and I'll have to limit my forum time accordingly. I've still got time to hand out some bearhugs, though.

*bearhugs*

dawnsolara
2010-05-17, 07:26 AM
Hugs for your roommate problem.

I've had to deal with something similar, but I was lucky enough to not be living with him. I wish I had any real, concrete advice, but I can share what has worked for me and give you my best wishes.

My friend went through similar cycles, provoking political discussions with me and then insulting all my ideas and refusing to listen to my informed criticisms of his ideas, much less respecting my knowledge, and eventually what I thought was a friendly religious discussion turned into him declaring that I was going to hell. Not exactly friendly. Once he started really freaking out, including throwing a full-blown three year-old temper tantrum, we simply kept him away from us. He's now gotten the message: we don't want to be around him, and he's in deep trouble if he comes near me ever (since I'm a girl, and he's made unwanted romantic overtures towards me, and once made threats).

I think, no matter what, you need to make sure you're okay - and if you can, you really shouldn't be living with someone who has made death threats, no matter if he means it now or not. I'd suggest trying to get him into counseling, at the minimum, and if he won't go, no dice and no more time together. As for getting away from him (or at least in a different room) your college's residence life or residence hall administration should be able to make arrangements so you don't have to live with him but can live near him if you still want to (or you can go elsewhere).

This is a really tough situation, but don't give up and certainly don't let yourself be pushed around by what others want.

Hugs again.

arguskos
2010-05-17, 03:54 PM
Yay venting to the depths of the internet.

The dreams, or should I say nightmares, are back. The faces of people who I have hurt and been hurt by, the names I no longer want to know. It was bad, I found myself staring at the liquor cabinet later that day. I don't drink, and yet, if it brings me silence, I am willing to consider it.

Gods, I am in pain.

I want to forget her. I want to forget it all. I want to have a motivation to move forwards, but I am tormented by my past so much that I can barely see the present, much less my future. :smallsigh:

Now, I know what I need to do. I need to just ignore it, move forward, see through the pain. It's karma coming about to bite me in the ass, and that's normal. I just don't want to, and I can't get the energy to do it.

To make things worse, I really really REALLY want some human physical contact. I've got literally NONE in 6 months, and it is driving me insane. I'm a physical guy, and this lack of physical contact of any kind is like being bereft of sight or taste or hearing. I've been indulging my other senses (watching lots of visual treats; eating exotic flavors; listening to new and wonderful sounds), but, it doesn't do it forever.

God, the pain is growing. Spiritual, emotional, mental. Pain nevertheless. :smallfrown:

I need things. I cannot have them. Such is to be expected, but, it still hurts.

There's little to say, but, I wanted this down, as I do every few weeks. It helps a little.

EDIT: Oh, and if it wasn't bad enough, I was just commanded by my mother (whom I still live with), to give up one of my only vices: soda. Being the dutiful child I am, I agreed, and am now caffeine free. I hate myself at the moment, as I'm one of those people that caffeine is a great boon too.

LaLitrus
2010-05-17, 04:52 PM
Owwww

So, I'm bipolar. But I am not depressed or manic right now, I'm in pain. Because my medication gave me the worst rash I've had since the chicken pox when I was five. It's itchy it's started to hurt! So, obviously I'm going off the medication. The bad news is that as the rash goes away, the Bipolar will return. Woooo... So I'll probably be visiting this thread over something small sometime soon.

Edit: I really just wanted to vent, but if anyone has advice for itching, that would be amazing.

blackfox
2010-05-17, 11:53 PM
Edit: I really just wanted to vent, but if anyone has advice for itching, that would be amazing.Aloe vera gel.

Tyrandar
2010-05-18, 01:55 AM
Calamine lotion is also good.

CrypticOcean
2010-05-18, 02:33 AM
Alright. This is actually completely out of character for me. Not that I refuse to discuss my emotions with people, but to even put up anything that someone could translate as me being weak, whiny, stupid, or mentally unbalanced has always been difficult. Especially to a multitude of people that I do not know...and the fact that I have not been on this board for long, so in a way, I feel that I do not have the right to have attention directed at me. I understand that these are skewed perceptions, but I cannot help but feeling them.

Well, here it goes.

When I was young (Middle School/Junior High) I was teased relentlessly for my physical stature (I was, and am short) and my tendency to use what others considered complex vernacular. I was even teased for things as silly as the type of undergarments I wore. All of this teasing, of course, happened in the Boy's Locker Room. None of it ever got physical, for in truth, my tormenters were great cowards; their words, however, were merciless. Shrugging it off was never an option for me, for I never even got a chance to recover. Ignoring them never happened, I was far too sensitive. The teachers did absolutely nothing.

Whether this created my mental affliction, or merely brought it to the surface, I shall never really know. I have major depressive disorder, or, clincial depression, which can often act very much like a social anxiety disorder. It is something I have always struggled with for as long as I can remember. I have always hated myself for every reason. The only thing I have ever been confident about was my intellect. Even then, there are times when I believe that I am not as smart as other people think I am.

I also have desired to become a writer for as long as I remembered. There never was really a doubt in my mind that I wanted to author books. However, I often think that I am completely unoriginal, uninspired, insipid, and overall just terrible. That my characters are stock, stereotypical, and unrelateable. People sometimes tell me that I am an amazing writer. No one has ever directly told me that I was bad or mediocre, but there are times when I put my work out there, and when it evokes response from no one, I feel that people are subtly telling me that I am horrid.

I am not sure about my physical appearance. I can either think that I am alright, or that I am some kind of twisted monstrosity. I know I hate my height. I know -why- I do as well, but the best I have ever felt about it was apathy.

I feel like all I do is offend or hurt people inadvertently. Often my friends fall apart around me, and no matter what I do, I cannot help them. Whenever I voice my opinion, my speech is replete with "I am not saying that you are *insert a possibly offensive interpretation here*" or apology, I do everything in my power to make sure that I am not making anyone feel bad about themselves. Yet, I still end up offending people at times, in spite of the fact that I am being polite and respectful.

I have lost many friends. People misinterpret my shyness and anxiety as neglect and not considering them important enough to contact. I do feel nervous around my friends, because all of my life, I have always had to be on the defensive. My defensive mechanism from mid-Junior High to High School was to be as dark, vividly violent in my speech, and overall creepy as possible. I have always had an interest in things that were dark, creepy, and what have you, and I knew that other people did not always share my sentiment. But, even after abandoning the facade of truly feeling that performing violent evisceration upon others would be enjoyable, I cannot help but keep people at arm's length. I am always nice, polite, and respectful. I would even say that I am understanding and empathetic. I am fine with getting to know others. I just do not want them to know me.

I have always had difficulty making friends due to that. I am so terrified of rejection that I cannot bear to speak with strangers without having someone else there that can act as a sort of diplomat. I am much worse about meeting women than I am with men, although I suspect due to my sympathetic nature and my willingness to listen, I tend to make friends with women more easily once I overcome that barrier. I do not mean to be inadvertently sexist with any of those statements.

My friendship with women leads to more guilt on my part, as I, at times, will become the object of their affection, due to their own insecurity, and the fact that I am willing to completely accept them as they are, which obviously was something that they felt they lacked from others. Unfortunately, this affection is often unrequited. I am most certainly not implying that I am some accidental cassanova, and this happens often. But it has happened often enough to make me feel like I am a horrible person. I am always so hurt when I am spurned by women that I draw my affections towards, and when I do the same to them because I simply do not feel that way about them, I can feel their agony. It is often because I do not feel attracted to them, which makes me feel amazingly shallow and wretched. I do not believe that I have standards that are impossibly high, I know that realistically, most love has to be rooted in some sort of physical attraction, but at the same time, I just cannot help but feel like I am acting just like the people I despise.

I cannot take compliments. I almost feel physically repulsed by them, because I never feel I deserve them in any way, shape, or form. Whenever I get compliments from well-meaning people, I feel like melting into a corner of the room and just fading away. It just solidifies the image in my head that I am a broken, shattered being that cannot adapt to society.

I have a lot of hatred that I hold onto, and while I have let a lot of it go, I cannot help but have a bunch of bottled-up spite against certain types of people and organizations. I will not go into the types of people, as I do not want to come off like I am generalizing, and I will not linger long on the organizations that I do not like, but in a way, they contribute to how I feel. I am an atheist, and because of that, my family and some of my friends treat me like a lost lamb from the flock, and hope that I will "come back around", as if I am some sort of defect. I find it to be enraging and insulting that they do not consider my viewpoint valid simply because I do not share their beliefs. Of course, this is not to say that I believe that all religious people feel this way, and of course, I honestly have no intent of offending anyone.

I flunked out of college due to self-loathing and depression. I skipped a lot of classes. It would normally start out as me missing one day, but then fearing that I would be reprimanded for it (my college had an attendence policy), I did not show up another day. I would go in the next week, make an excuse, and try to catch up with the work. I never could, especially with the amount of classes I had been taking. This caused me to avoid class more, and then consider myself a stupid failure who was incapable of academic success. I have not gone to school since I fell back into bad habits at a community college. I really do want to go back to school, I desire an education, and I am quite sure I am more than intelligent enough to succeed, but I really fear that I will just fail again.

My life, as of late, has been devoid of meaning. I know this is not the "relationship thread", but it contributes to my depression, and as you can see, is not the sole source of my problems. I shall keep it simple, so as to not inadvertently break the rules of the thread. I was in love with someone, I hated myself too much to see that the affection was reciprocated (for the first time in my life), and let her move on. She got married to my friend, she is miserable, but does everything in her power to stay in the relationship. My friend is not exactly the most intelligent man. He is well-meaning, but does not realize how much he hurts her. I, of course, get to watch this all from the outside, and suffer. I admitted my affections to both of them, and we remained friends. Now that I have moved from the state they reside in, however, I feel like I will end up leaving them both behind. The young lady has not responded to my various communications (in spite of her initiation of them). Even now, I feel myself growing distant from her, the only woman I have ever really felt that I truly loved. I know that I care about her, but now, I am not sure that I really love her in the same way, even though it has only been a few weeks since I have left.

Now, I am here in a different state, drifting pointlessly through life. I cannot write, my mind is too blocked, and whenever I try to write, I become filled with anger and hatred towards my own words. I just feel like I am too damaged to contribute meaningfully to society, like I am some shattered soul that should be relegated to the refuse bin of the world, and forgotten. D&D, strangely enough, is the only thing I can ever do that is remotely creative when I am in this condition. It is likely the escapism. I never felt that I participated in an unhealthy manner, I never -thought- that I was a Wizard or a Mind Flayer, I never wanted to -be- a Wizard more than I did a real human being (erm, well, that is a half-truth, being a Wizard or a Mind Flayer would be awesome, but that has nothing to do with my escapism, it has everything to do with me just thinking those things are grand.) I never think that my life would be better if I were one of these fantastic characters.

Regardless, I just feel like I am a thousand years old, even though I am only twenty-two. I am so tired of being myself. I do not desire to be anyone else, but, at the same time, I do not desire to have to live with the fact that I have to look at myself in a mirror, or remember all that I have gone through. I often just want to fade away and leave no trace of myself behind. At times, I feel people would be much happier if I were gone. I feel like I have been a burden upon everyone that I have ever known or loved in some way, shape, or form. I went to therapy for many years, and took medication, and while I would feel good while the therapy was happening, and I honestly took an active approach in achieving happiness, I never have felt like I was completely functional. I just feel like I plod through life in a fleshy shell, never accomplishing anything, never doing a single beneficial thing for another human being. I have no idea how I would even begin to feel a little okay with myself. There really is no person I hate more than myself, and yet, I often try to be alone. It is...quite a horrid cycle. Many things that I have mentioned seem like it.

Erm, my apologies, that was rather long. And I also apologize to the other people who may have posted before me by the time I am done, and all of those before me who have also needed someone else's help. I extend my deepest sympathies, and wish that I could cure the world of sorrow. No one should ever have to be in pain from just being themselves.

Lillith
2010-05-18, 04:55 AM
*hugs CrypticOcean* =(

As for my own issues, here goes.

Currently I'm in the last few months of my bachelors degree. The last few months of an education that lasted four years and which I hate with every fiber in my being, but could not quit due to the fact I need it to get my masters degree. This last year has been absolutely stressful and I've had two major depressions in less then a year. This education has required a lot of my physical health because I'm forced to do something that I really don't like to do. I can understand how other people like to teach, but my nature has many issues that make this near impossible for me. The result is that I feel trapped and my stress level this last year has been on a near constant of between 80-90%. Safe to say I'm exhausted right now.

To make things worse is that this Friday I have my deadline of requesting my end assessment, where I'll be interviewed and have to make a presentation. The problem is though, that to be allowed to request it, my research papers have to be approved and I need to have an end evaluation. While I have been working extremely hard for my research paper and it's done, my supervisor is away for two weeks. Also nobody told me there was a second supervisor who also has to approve of it. So now I have two people to wait for. I remind you, that this Friday is the deadline. Even if these two people approve of my paper, I still have to make a 'neat version' of it with corrections and then hand it in again to get it to be approved.

I was about to talk about my end evaluation, but funny enough that problem was resolved as soon as I was done with this post.

Right now I'm totally and completely dependent from a very, very long list of people. All with their own agenda's, schedules and lives. I can't do anything right now except for sit and wait. My stress level is so high right now, I can't even properly function anymore or prepare classes for my students. Because my psychological nature makes it that I have a very bad way of handling stress and can't stop obsessing over the source of the stress. This has been psychological proved and it will take months of therapy before I'll be over that one, but right now I can't do anything.

So at this moment I'm really depressed. I'm so close to graduation and it still is miles away and out of my reach. I'm completely dependent on others, something I hate. And I just don't know if all of this will be fixed in time. I don't think I could survive six more months of this education. Also I really want to start my masters degree, I don't have to wait a year because this education was delayed.

Dallas-Dakota
2010-05-18, 05:11 AM
Wow, Cryptic.

You're like a version of me, just around 6 years older, more handsome and smarter.

For talking to strangers: What you have is a stranger, (s)he could be a friend.*
Instead of sitting alone, silent. You could be having fun with that person.

*hugs and good luck* because I really need to fix most of those other issues about myself, generally. Or something.

*I'd say ''or more'' but I don't think you're up to a healthy long-lasting relationship yet. >.>

Teddy
2010-05-18, 05:47 AM
@Cryptic:
Wow, you remind me so very much of a boy who was in my class during 7th grade (seriously, I was wondering if you wasn't that boy until you got to the marriage part. The age is also 4-5 years wrong). It brings up bad memories... A lot of things I regret...

I wan't to help, but I don't really know how. :smallfrown: You need help, that's one thing for sure. You need therapy, and probably anti-depressants too. I want to commend you for writing this down, though. It takes a lot to take that step.

Bearhugs to all of you who writes here. At least that's something I can do.

*bearhugs*

arguskos
2010-05-18, 12:37 PM
Yeah, Cryptic, you did something I can't, which is writing all of that. I feel much the same on most days, though I hide it well. You have my commendations for your writing skill and bravery, though I've no real advice or help to give you. :smallfrown:

Should you ever wish to talk, I'm around.

CrypticOcean
2010-05-18, 12:54 PM
I extend my deepest gratitude to all who have extended their sympathies for me. I really appreciate it. I knew in advance that no one would really have an instant fix for my list of problems, it is quite an unrealistic expectation for me to have. I hope that those of you who said you deal with similar feelings can find the strength to overcome them, and those of you who have friends who feel the same way will be there for those friends when they need you. I know I am not much of a person for reaching out. As I said, what I typed was a very rare instance. I am glad to know that there are people out there that care about complete strangers, when those strangers come forward with their problems.

As for Lillith, I commend you for sticking with college as long as you have. As I have said, I could barely survive it myself, let alone graduate. You have already come very far, and you sound like a very intelligent and competant person. I do not mean to say that your problems are small or nonexistant, just that I feel that you have the willpower to pull through them. I know that you say that you struggle with a psychological hindrance, but you still need to try to do things that make you relax. I am not really a great visual artist, but I do find that drawing takes my mind off of things. Do something that is low-energy, but highly distracting to focus your attention somewhere else. I know that what you are going through is hard, but you have made it so far already, so just keep that in mind. Do not see it as a waste of time, but as a trial that you have overcome. I am afraid the only other thing I can offer is my sympathy, and my hope that things get better before they get worse.

LaLitrus
2010-05-18, 01:12 PM
Thanks, blackfox and Tyrandar. I ended up having to go to the ER for this though. They gave me steroids :smallconfused:

Tyrandar
2010-05-18, 03:37 PM
Ah, I'm guessing something like hydrocortisone cream. Either that, or you're now the hulk. :smalltongue:

Lillith
2010-05-18, 03:39 PM
Thanks Cryptic. I wish I could help you. I have to admit I can relate to some of your problems and we seem to have some parallels in our life. The only thing I could advice you is to perhaps see a therapist. Even if it is just for shallow things if you're not yet ready to let the therapist 'get to know you'. You can start shallow, get advice on every day life and if you feel like digging a bit deeper then you can. To I have to strongly advice you that if you do happen to decide on seeing a professional, that you look for someone who you think will fit for you. Cause a lot of different therapists have a lot of different approaches and not all of them are suited for everybody.

Just think about it for a bit if you want to, it might help. Like I said before I have some parallels in my life. I have extreme low self esteem that come near the image of myself where I can't see how I could possibly be able to make anybody happy. Last year in August I decided to get help though and I found a therapist that suited me. I am not a professional, nor will I ever be, but some of the things you mentioned are as far as I know 'fixable' as in you can outgrow them with the right kind of help.

Sorry if what I just talked about seems like complete nonsense, for I'm just trying to help. I truly hope that your life will get easier and if you really need someone to talk to, both me and a lot of other people are willing to listen. If you want to talk really bad, feel free to pm me. *hugs* I hope things will look better for you soon.

CrypticOcean
2010-05-18, 04:14 PM
Thank you once again, Lillith. I will certainly seek out help when I can afford to do so (and I mean that in a literal fashion.) You do not sound like you are speaking nonsense, so do not worry. I do believe that I may be speaking with the people who offered to listen soon enough, so long as you are certain it will not be a bother. I thank you all once again for your kindness and empathy.

Dallas-Dakota
2010-05-18, 04:20 PM
A offer to listen is here as well, most certainly not a bother.

arguskos
2010-05-19, 12:34 AM
I literally have no where else to put this, so it goes here.

There is this fellow, my best friend, here called J. J's a great dude, he's fun and smart and funny, has a great sense of humor and is really loyal. He's been there for me a whole bunch of times when I needed him, and has never let me down. To this day, I'm not sure why, but I don't question it. J is also suicidally depressed. I've been trying my hardest to pull him out of it for months, years even, doing everything I can to support him when he needs it, but after years of this, I'm reaching my breaking point. I can't do this anymore, as he just blows it off and ignores me every time. I love this man like a god damn brother, and he's killing himself slowly though depression, self-guilt, and apathy, and I can't help him. It's ripping me apart. You can't really help me, but, I wanted to put it down.

blackfox
2010-05-19, 01:26 AM
Not urgent, but.
I can't seem to be arsed to actually do anything besides play Left 4 Dead and watch stupid videos on YouTube. And it's finals week. One more text left, and it's a couple days away, so I won't be completely screwed for that one like I was for the one I took today... might get some actual studying done along with the lying in bed and the shooting of zombies.
God only knows what's going to happen when I have to go home this summer, 400 miles south of here, where it's hot and humid and miserable and I'm living with insensitive/easily angered parent and with strict/far too overbearing parent and not with any friends of mine that I can actually be myself around. It's possible that the summer blahs are just kicking in early, but then again... I don't want to go home. Too much heat, too many abusive people, lack of employment, lack of transportation, and all that fun stuff.
Yikes, this has strayed off into complaining. I suppose I should go to sleep now since I have a final in less than 40 hours.

Tyrandar
2010-05-19, 04:28 AM
My sleep patterns are FUBAR. :smallsigh:

Dallas-Dakota
2010-05-19, 04:32 AM
*snip*
I"m pretty sure that you've tried this already, or he has no finances for it, but..Get him to professional help?

Tyrandar
2010-05-19, 04:37 AM
I"m pretty sure that you've tried this already, or he has no finances for it, but..Get him to professional help?

It's easier said than done to get a grown man to professional help and unless he's a danger to himself or others, you can't have him committed. There was an episode of CSI once where a man cut his bipolar daughter's wrist to make it look like a suicide attempt, but that did not end well (because he went about it really stupidly, but I digress).

Destro_Yersul
2010-05-19, 06:44 AM
It's easier said than done to get a grown man to professional help and unless he's a danger to himself or others, you can't have him committed. There was an episode of CSI once where a man cut his bipolar daughter's wrist to make it look like a suicide attempt, but that did not end well (because he went about it really stupidly, but I digress).

And because he ended up being interrupted by her boyfriend halfway through doing it. That was a good episode. Season... I want to say five, but it might have been six.

dawnsolara
2010-05-19, 07:25 AM
I literally have no where else to put this, so it goes here.

There is this fellow, my best friend, here called J. J's a great dude, he's fun and smart and funny, has a great sense of humor and is really loyal. He's been there for me a whole bunch of times when I needed him, and has never let me down. To this day, I'm not sure why, but I don't question it. J is also suicidally depressed. I've been trying my hardest to pull him out of it for months, years even, doing everything I can to support him when he needs it, but after years of this, I'm reaching my breaking point. I can't do this anymore, as he just blows it off and ignores me every time. I love this man like a god damn brother, and he's killing himself slowly though depression, self-guilt, and apathy, and I can't help him. It's ripping me apart. You can't really help me, but, I wanted to put it down.


This probably isn't what you want to hear, but you really need to make sure your own mental and emotional health is good before you try and help your friend. If he's anything like he sounds, he needs you emotionally, and if you're emotions are driving you crazy, you are not a good person for him to depend on, so either for your sake or your friend's, get yourself into therapy or find an alternative, perhaps Al-Anon (though only do this if you have friends or family who drink, because it is a support group for those related to or in deep relationships with people who are addicted to drugs or alcohol).

Please, please, for the sake of yourself and your friend, go find someone or something to help you. Also, many, many, many bear hugs, for you and your friend.

onthetown
2010-05-19, 07:47 AM
arguskos - I can understand where you're coming from. My boyfriend was like that when we were just friends and it was wearing me out to constantly feel like I had to stick with him and get him out of his suicidal tendencies. As was said, professional help might really help your friend out if he's willing and has the finances... Having you there as a friend helps him more than he might let on, but you shouldn't feel obligated to have to stay with them. Unfortunately, it's really hard when you're close to them and it's a constant thing as such.

Here I go... I'm back again. I'm not sure if there's a solution to this other than to keep bothering the poor woman:

I've been in a college course for a year and a half to be a medical secretary and I just finished. I worked like a dog for the entire course and graduated with 98% attendance and a 95% average. I got my on-the-job training without any hitches and passed it as the last part of my course, spending four weeks learning how to work in a government clinic. I did so well that everybody loved me by the end of it (they thought my shyness was adorable) and nobody had anything bad to say about me. The manager of the clinics I worked between told me that as soon as I got an interview, I should call her and she'd hire me on the spot.

Because it's a government job, I have to go through a government interview process. The woman who does the interviews told me that she would put me on her list and I would get an interview in the second week of May, and then all the paperwork would be through by the end of May and I'd be able to start working.

Well, last week was the second week of May and I didn't get a call. I am desperate for money so I called her a few times and left messages until she called me back. I called her again this morning and finally managed to catch her. Apparently, there's a lot of new grads out there needing interviews but there's, "just no demand for it." How does that even work? What's even better is that she was doing interviews last week, but she said they were for people who already had jobs and were looking for summer work at the hospital. I told her I already had a job waiting and that the manager of the clinic wanted me. Government Lady might call her to get in touch with her and see if she wants any new employees. Might. Other than that I'm just supposed to, "hang tight," and I might get an interview in a month's time if I'm lucky.

The only feeling I got from the entire conversation is that I'm bothering her and I should just wait for her call. She knows that I don't have a job right now and I'm waiting on the clinics. I'm down to trying to make $500 last for a month, possibly two months to allow for the paperwork to get through, and my car is falling apart. My horse hasn't mutated to not need food yet (here's hoping). I called my manager and she said she would try to get in touch with government lady, but she's very busy (she manages three clinics).

It's just ceaselessly frustrating and has me at the point of tears. I've been told about five different things every time I've managed to get in touch with Government Lady. I just want to go work at the job that's waiting for me. I don't want to go back to retail or fast food after spending $15,000 on that course and working so hard to get where I want to be -- nobody else in my classes even came close to graduating with the marks I worked for. I loved my on-the-job training and being a medical secretary is what I desperately want to do.

The Government Lady doesn't want me to call her anymore, and I'm just supposed to wait for her call. So that's out the window. I know the girls at the clinics I worked at would stage some sort of uprising if I told them about it because they all want me to come back ASAP to help them with the mountains of work, but my manager is such a nice lady and she doesn't deserve to have people bothering her over something she can't control.

And... How is there, "no demand," when there are, "lots of new grads out there waiting for interviews"?

I feel like I've been completely scammed out of my money or something. My paranoia is starting to run rampant again and I'm envisioning my life working at Subway (which I hated with a passion), possibly rising to assistant manager so I can work 60 hours a week on minimum wage -- not to insult anybody who does that, but it's just such a disappointment from what I was expecting. I'll be stuck in my province for my entire life and I'll never get to do what I love or see what I want to.

To add to that, I've been getting symptoms very similar to my schizophrenic father's... and I know that it runs in families. My mom can hardly stand to be around me anymore because she says I'm too much like him. I obsess over everything, it feels like everybody is out to get me, and I swear there is somebody who is constantly watching me or that everybody is constantly judging me (I won't even sing in the car anymore because I'm afraid of what people will think, even if I'm alone). I'm paranoid about everything (obviously) and anxious and tempermental to the point of it getting in the way of my life. I've slept with my bedroom window open for the past seven years, in any weather, because I'm convinced I will die of CO poisoning in my sleep so I associate fresh air with life. If I'm in a really anxious mood, I have to keep myself awake until the point where I'll just fall into bed so I won't stay up and think about things.

Add a stubborn ear infection that just won't go away and the fact that I'm slowly losing the ability to breathe without anybody knowing why, and I'm just generally a train wreck.

arguskos
2010-05-19, 12:23 PM
Response to my last post:
To those recommending professional help, that's the thing. He's SEEING a professional, and it's not getting better. In fact, it seems to be getting worse. :smallfrown:

As for my mental state, you have a good point dawnsolara. I should look to my own, but I lack the time or money to actually see someone about my issues. For now, I handle them through a combination of dispassionate self-loathing and occasional depressive episodes lasting about 4 hours. It's not the best way (or even a good one), but it keeps my depression in check and keeps me from regressing to where I was a year ago.
Many thanks though, truly. I appreciate it.

dawnsolara
2010-05-19, 01:24 PM
About seeing a therapist and things not seeming to get better - I saw a therapist for 4 years after my parents divorced (daddy issues, plus major self-esteem problems that still persist) and briefly last year for a rather major mental/emotional break I had, and I can honestly say that some things just take forever to work on. It may be that this therapist is trying slower methods than most, or any combination of other factors, but you may also want to talk with your friend and see if you can have a dual session, so that you can tell your friend and the therapist if there's anything you need - if your friend is at a place where he can hear that sort of thing, I've found dual sessions to be infinitely rewarding, whether they were with my friends or my parents.

arguskos
2010-05-19, 01:30 PM
Knowing J, he'd tell me everything is fine and blow it off, which is what he always does. See why I'm at wits end here? Everything I can think of has been tried, and nothing seems to go anywhere. It's like helping a brick wall come to grips with erosion. Sure, it's pretty obvious, but if the wall doesn't buy it or doesn't care or whatever, you just can't do anything.

dawnsolara
2010-05-19, 01:36 PM
If you do want a dual session with him, and you don't ask, then you'll never get it. I'm sure if you present as something you want for your own sanity, it will have more gravity.

arguskos
2010-05-19, 01:46 PM
I'll ask, but I know what he'll say. Still, perhaps luck will be with me for a moment. :smallsigh:

Lillith
2010-05-19, 02:17 PM
Response to my last post:
To those recommending professional help, that's the thing. He's SEEING a professional, and it's not getting better. In fact, it seems to be getting worse. :smallfrown:

As for my mental state, you have a good point dawnsolara. I should look to my own, but I lack the time or money to actually see someone about my issues. For now, I handle them through a combination of dispassionate self-loathing and occasional depressive episodes lasting about 4 hours. It's not the best way (or even a good one), but it keeps my depression in check and keeps me from regressing to where I was a year ago.
Many thanks though, truly. I appreciate it.
There are also online therapists that offer free advice. Or health websites that have like a Q and A section. Hell I think Dr. Phil has a whole section about the things you´re telling. The boards there also offer more directed advice if I understand the tv series correctly. I´m not sure if I´m allowed to post direct links to these kind of websites but I know at least one or two other ´shrink´ websites due to studying certain personality disorders. Not saying you have one, trying to explain why I know about those sites. I saw them having a section where you can send emails for free advice. Maybe that would help? you can do it when you spare 10 minutes and it's free. If it's not allowed to mention this kind of thing then my apologies and please ignore this message. (I couldn't find it in the rules, but to be sure I won't like anything yet)

Jacklu
2010-05-19, 10:30 PM
Blah. Depressed.

Blah. Meds ran out and I won't have a chance to refill them till monday.

Blah. I would muchly like to crawl into a deep dark whole and die right now.

The Bushranger
2010-05-19, 10:31 PM
*hugs tightest*

Teddy
2010-05-20, 03:36 AM
Blah. Depressed.

Blah. Meds ran out and I won't have a chance to refill them till monday.

Blah. I would muchly like to crawl into a deep dark whole and die right now.

Find something to occupy your thoughts with so you won't have to sit in a corner and think dark thoughts for an entire wfun, but eekend. Preferably something fun, but pretty much anything will do. Cleaning the house is a good example.

Good luck!
*bearhugs*

Tyrandar
2010-05-20, 05:38 AM
Very hard to keep myself relevant. :smallfrown:

Trying to resolve to talk to people on the forums so I don't vanish into the woodwork like I always do.

rakkoon
2010-05-20, 05:49 AM
Hmm. My relationship is quite ok at the moment but the people around me keep getting into trouble. A couple that has been together for 16 years are talking about separating, another has been together for 25 years and the guy just cheated on her (after getting a motorcycle, a tattoo and starting to thai box), a thirty-something female who is actually quite nice keeps going back to an affair with a married man ...
Is there something in the air? Isn't this normal for Autumn, not jolly old Spring?

Jacklu
2010-05-21, 10:03 PM
-_- I pretty much wants to curl up and die right now... lots of nasty suicidal thoughts all day long... good old fashion loneliness... knowing that nobody will ever love me... ect... ect... ect... -_- I'm fairly sure the meds are having no effect anymore... *curls up and cries* Just going to log off and go away now... sorry for the suck all...

ReluctantReaper
2010-05-22, 12:25 AM
Don't talk like that guys this forum is here because people do care about you. We are here to talk to you and hope that everything is work. Though life might be down right now it will get better just wait. Im sure someone better with words will come along soon and help more. Until then hugs for everyone who is sad.

*hugs*

Tyrandar
2010-05-22, 12:46 AM
Hope you like kittens, Jacklu.

http://felixgilman.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/kitten.jpg

Also, talking to your shrink couldn't hurt. Near as I can tell, they actually like it when you call to bother them with your issues. :smallamused:

arguskos
2010-05-22, 08:56 PM
Today was a great time. Got blown off by some friends. Got bitched out by another friend for hanging out with his BROTHER and somehow that ruined HIS plans, which I was blamed for, even though I didn't know he had plans. Getting bitched at by folks on the forums for legitimately trying to help them out when I read their comments wrong (I think...?). Got banned from keeping soda in the house, which is starting to make me mildly grouchy. All in all, a less than stellar day so far, and no sign of anything better in sight.

Perhaps a rock will fall and whack me in the head later so I end the night at the ER, or perhaps my ex will call to yell at me for being a failure of a boyfriend. Only way things could get worse really. :smallsigh:

God, I know you are karmariffic, but GOD DAMN, either get it over with, or give me something good, ok?! I'm tired of being jerked about. :smallannoyed:

Matticus
2010-05-24, 01:55 AM
A couple of times lately I've been off.

Happened a while ago, I got home from a (pretty good, actually) day at school and maybe half an hour, an hour later suddenly realised I was about to get really unhappy, not clear why. Got very very angry and went about slamming doors and kicking furniture (nobody in the house to stop me or make me curb my fury), resisted the urge to kick in the wall.

Then last week I got all sad for no reason, I dunno, sat in my room and just slept because I couldn't find any joy in anything, reading, watching TV, computer, chatting to friends, anything.

And now I feel that way again, just like nothing I'm doing is even remotely right. And, I mean, nothing, not a thing, nothing at all, don't want to go out or try anything new, don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to play any games, don't want to go do homework, don't want to go for a walk, don't want to sleep or eat or drink. It's sort of becoming a regular theme.

Both times I was chatting to people I know online but I got pretty bitter and unkind in some of the things I was saying.

Teddy
2010-05-24, 06:07 AM
-_- I pretty much wants to curl up and die right now... lots of nasty suicidal thoughts all day long... good old fashion loneliness... knowing that nobody will ever love me... ect... ect... ect... -_- I'm fairly sure the meds are having no effect anymore... *curls up and cries* Just going to log off and go away now... sorry for the suck all...

Wasn't (wasn't/weren't? Gah, I thought I knew this!) it you who ran out of meds a few days ago? How can you say that your meds don't work when you haven't got any meds, or ded you get new meds during the weekend? :smallconfused:

Anyway, don't get too caught up in those thoughts. Find something to hug instead, even though it might just be a pillow.


Today was a great time. Got blown off by some friends. Got bitched out by another friend for hanging out with his BROTHER and somehow that ruined HIS plans, which I was blamed for, even though I didn't know he had plans. Getting bitched at by folks on the forums for legitimately trying to help them out when I read their comments wrong (I think...?). Got banned from keeping soda in the house, which is starting to make me mildly grouchy. All in all, a less than stellar day so far, and no sign of anything better in sight.

Perhaps a rock will fall and whack me in the head later so I end the night at the ER, or perhaps my ex will call to yell at me for being a failure of a boyfriend. Only way things could get worse really. :smallsigh:

God, I know you are karmariffic, but GOD DAMN, either get it over with, or give me something good, ok?! I'm tired of being jerked about. :smallannoyed:

Says something about your friend when he blames you for not knowing about your plans, namely that he probably looked forward a lot to spend his day with you, and that he's really disappointed and vents his frustration on you (which is kind of stupid, but it means that he likes you anyway). Or, were his plans to do things with his brother...? If that's the case, the he's just a jackass for venting himself on someone who shouldn't even know anything about it.

Just try to keep your head high, and look past the present when it annoys you, and you'll be fine. We all have our bad days - the laws of probability dictates that it should happen every now and then that more than an ordinary amount of bad things happen in one day.


A couple of times lately I've been off.

Happened a while ago, I got home from a (pretty good, actually) day at school and maybe half an hour, an hour later suddenly realised I was about to get really unhappy, not clear why. Got very very angry and went about slamming doors and kicking furniture (nobody in the house to stop me or make me curb my fury), resisted the urge to kick in the wall.

Then last week I got all sad for no reason, I dunno, sat in my room and just slept because I couldn't find any joy in anything, reading, watching TV, computer, chatting to friends, anything.

And now I feel that way again, just like nothing I'm doing is even remotely right. And, I mean, nothing, not a thing, nothing at all, don't want to go out or try anything new, don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to play any games, don't want to go do homework, don't want to go for a walk, don't want to sleep or eat or drink. It's sort of becoming a regular theme.

Both times I was chatting to people I know online but I got pretty bitter and unkind in some of the things I was saying.

Clean the house. It's equally braindead boring whenever you do it, so you won't have to think too much about it. And it's constructive too. Vacuum cleaning is probably the best thing, because then, the noise will drown out your thoughts (hopefully).


And, lastly, good luck to you all, and bearhugs too.

*bearhugs*

_Zoot_
2010-05-24, 06:45 AM
I really don't know what to write, this is my third draft and I don't know what I'm here to ask for. Life just doesn't seem to go like it should and I don't really have any one that I feel comfortable talking to.

Yeah, don't know why I bothered putting this here, I can't really explain my life so there isn't much the vast internets can do.

Teddy
2010-05-24, 07:02 AM
I really don't know what to write, this is my third draft and I don't know what I'm here to ask for. Life just doesn't seem to go like it should and I don't really have any one that I feel comfortable talking to.

Yeah, don't know why I bothered putting this here, I can't really explain my life so there isn't much the vast internets can do.

It's an opportunity to open up your heart a bit and let out some of those bad feelings who are building up within you come out. And then it can give you hugs too, of course! :smallwink:

*bearhugs*

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-05-24, 07:04 AM
I really don't know what to write, this is my third draft and I don't know what I'm here to ask for. Life just doesn't seem to go like it should and I don't really have any one that I feel comfortable talking to.

Yeah, don't know why I bothered putting this here, I can't really explain my life so there isn't much the vast internets can do.
Don't be so sure. We sometimes come up with excellent advice on this thread, despite not being professionals.

I recommend opening the word processing program of your choice and try writing your issues there. Take your time. Consider your words carefully. Edit it to your heart's content. And then copy and paste it here for us to see. (I've done this several times in the past, especially when the net was threatening to delete entire posts.)

Oh...In terms of myself, my girlfriend leaves in about an hour. After that, I will be miserable for not having her company...but ultimately thrilled that I do, in fact, have a girlfriend. :smallsmile:

dawnsolara
2010-05-25, 08:20 AM
Sorry. Long rant. Bad day.

I just graduated college (yay). My boyfriend and I, naturally, had a party thrown for us by our parents, and we invited our roommate. We were both really excited about graduating, and thought our roommate was happy to come; we knew he wouldn't come to the ceremony (not exactly the most scintillating event for those not graduating, thrilling for those who are) but he seemed excited about the party. I, personally, was looking forward to having a last celebration of my college career with him. Then, the DAY BEFORE our graduation he leaves for home. He's sick, he says. . . . I thought it was a lame excuse, since he wasn't acting sick really, but tried to let it go. This guy was, you know, just a friend to me for the last 3 years. Not at all important. Yeah, right. That hurt.

Then, yesterday, I learn that he apparently felt "unwelcome" in the apartment. I'm not certain exactly what happened, but apparently I "went cold" in the last four or five weeks of the semester (end of April/beginning of May here). This made him angry and feel unwelcome, but instead of mentioning it, or talking about it, he held it in. Did I mention that I managed to get him a temporary job during this period, because my work needed someone full-time but I couldn't do it then? Not much work, but some. I gave him a full recommendation - if he'd done a bad job, I was toast. Not exactly something you do for someone you don't want to be friends with . . . . Anyway, during the two or three (or four? not entirely sure) weeks he had a job, he also got cut off from his parents' money for food, because they, like everyone else, have been having a hard time this year. He had a job, so he was supposed to pay for his food. Do you really need to ask what happened? He paid for about half the food he was supposed to.

Now, I hear that this last semester, when everyone in the apartment has been having money troubles, and I'd had my direct deposit forms mess up and not work and having trouble finding time to go to the bank between working 20+ hours a week and taking 15 hours of classes, all upper level and all but one demanding papers, he got angry at me for not IMMEDIATELY depositing my paychecks. Oh, and for trying to survive on as little money for food as possible ($30/person/week is what my mom, boyfriend, and I can live on with few problems) because I'm about to go to law school, where I'll be incurring over $120,000 of debt if I can't find more scholarships, plus interest, which I'm supposed to pay while in school. Sorry, but I'm trying to live on as little money as possible right now, just so I can save enough $ to pay off my interest while in school. Now, I ask you, what business of his are my finances? NONE. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO NEEDS TO KNOW OR CARE ABOUT MY FINANCES, ESPECIALLY SINCE I HAVE BEEN CONTRIBUTING FULLY TO GROCERY COSTS. And he has the gall to be angry with me for this, when my boyfriend is the one who picked up my tab when I couldn't pay, and when I made several trips to the grocery store ALONE with no one else adding to the bill.

Needless to say, I'm ticked, and hurt, and feel like he's decided he doesn't want to be friends any more, if he's looking for things like this to get angry over (especially when he knows they are none of his business). There are, indeed, a couple of other things adding to the situation, but all of them are him completely misunderstanding situations and getting angry about them WITHOUT TALKING TO ANYONE. :smallfurious:

Oh, and I have a chronic thyroid condition that I have inherited from my mother and really messes up my moods. And my mother's condition has been mismanaged so badly that now I have to go see an endocrinologist to make sure the medicine I'm taking is working. And my mom called me fat this Sunday.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-05-25, 01:06 PM
dawnsolara: I have several facts of life that you're going to have to adjust to. I'm not pleased to be reporting these things, and you probably already know them. However, sometimes the remidner helps us past certain issues.

First, friends come and go. It's one of the saddest aspects of life, but people change, as does their lives, and sometimes remaining friends isn't at all possible. Over the last few years, I lost two friends to fate. One I knew for about 28 years, while the other I knew for around 19 years. I've been through my fair share of happy endings, mediocre endings, and sad endings. The one thing that all have in common is that the friendships ended, and that was painful all on its own.

But that doesn't mean we should surrender and not make friends. If we live in fear of the end, then we would all hide in caves and never talk to a soul. We take the chance every day, hoping to find a lasting relationship. If one comes along, that's great. And if it doesn't...Well, reminding yourself that things like this are common helps get through the crisis.

Second, people often don't recognize the blessings in their lives until said blessings are gone. I was like this for many years. I lived with more treasures than I'd ever realized, and always wanted more. But when I became disabled and realized that I would have to alter the way I existed...Well, that's when I realized how good I had it.

Your friend may not know it yet, but there will likely come a time when he looks back on this time of his life and realize that life was very good to him while sharing a roof with you. Don't be too shocked when, in a decade or two, he tries to find you to reminisce about "the good ole days." (I've done it on several occasions.)

Finally, humans often want what they can't have. In this case, you want a friend that is communicative and less selfish, while he wants to live with greater financial freedom. These things aren't simply given. To get him to talk, you may need to be the one that initializes the communication. And if it's important enough, you press the issue, albeit gently. On the other side of the coin, your friend would love to have more money, with people giving more toward the cause of his living better. It's unfortunate that we can't all have lobster or steak every night for dinner, but reality dictates that many of us cut corners and learn to live on limited incomes.

I would just like better health. The problem is that I started fighting for it too late. There was always the chance I would suffer the complications of diabetes no matter what I did, but I increased the odds of having problems during my years as a stupid teenager. Now I want a brain and body that functions normally, and the only way I'll get it is if I find that genie in a bottle.

But your desires...? If you still want this friend in your life, give him the "apology but." "I'm sorry you felt that I turned cold, but graduation was dominating my thoughts in those last weeks. As for the financial situation, I'm sorry you feel as though I was irresponsible at times, but my work and school schedule didn't offer me a lot of opportunity to do things as swiftly as you wanted them done." If he rejects your combination apology/explanation, then there's probably little more you can do. You can only change yourself, not others.

Oh...But on the "my finances are none of his business" front, I have to say that you're right and wrong, all at once. When you share a roof with someone, you want to know that they can handle their end of the financial responsibilities. At the same time, the EXACT details of your finances are not his business.

I have a unique living situation at this time. When I moved in with my housemates, I was told I had NO financial responsibilities. That's not how I was reared. "There's no such thing as a free lunch." So every now and again, I ask my housemates where they are financially. Are they able to pay rent without help? Is there anything the house needs? How are we doing on human and cat food? I don't ask how much money they have, of how much their paychecks will be. I just inquire as to whether or not they need help with anything. And if they don't need help, I find a way to help anyway.

The point is that part of their financial information IS my business. But the details are not.

That's all I got. I hope some of it was helpful.

Ducklord
2010-05-25, 02:16 PM
Not sure what to do in my current situation.

My best friend had a girlfriend he got along very well with before she dumped him over trivial reasons this saturday. I figured out I won't be seeing much of her anymore, and she had a sweater that I lent her once when we were out as a group, so I went over to her place to pick it up. When I get there she invites me in, returns me the sweater and asks me if we can talk. I thought that she had second thoughts about breaking up with my friend, and was happy, because they really fit well together and unlike his previous girlfriend she's very outgoing, so he could take her along when we went out instead of staying at home with her, leaving me one friend shorter. Turns out I was mistaken.

Se just moved into the flat, and there was not much furniture, so she asked me if we could sit on the bed. Then she confessed, that the real reason she broke up with my friend is because she fell in love with me.

:eek:

This might not have surprised you, but it sure as hell surprised me. My first response was "please, start laughing now", but she never did. She got up and started explaining how at first she just thought I was cute, but with time she developed feelings for me until she no longer could be with my friend. By this point I still wasn't sure if she was completely serious. Then she knelt in front of me and actually leaned in to kiss me! This made me realize she meant what she said. I turned away, so she just kissed my cheek and told here that there could never be anything between the two of us. She pulled back and I stood up. I then told her to never tell my friend what just occurred and left.

It's a few hours since all this happened, but I'm still a bit in shock. Before this event I scheduled a party for tonight, so I'll be seeing my friend. I think I'll never tell him what happened today, but I 100% surely wont tell him anything tonight. We have been friends for most of our lives, and I don't think telling him would tear us apart, but with this kind of things you can never know for sure. I'll be glad to hear your suggestions on the matter, even though I admit this was written up mostly to vent.

Pyrian
2010-05-25, 03:01 PM
D'aww. I'd've probably done much the same thing, albeit less abruptly. My good friendships have long outlasted any of my (or their) relationships.

EDIT: Kudos to her for breaking up before making a move on you, though. :smallamused:

dawnsolara
2010-05-25, 03:18 PM
Seems to have worked itself out. We're friends again, once my wanting to be his friend was explained, and since I'm on a strict diet now, if he comes back to the apartment we'll be paying for groceries separately.

So a happy ending to a sort of ugly situation. We'll be working on the communication thing, though.

Jacklu
2010-05-25, 03:34 PM
...thrilled that I do, in fact, have a girlfriend. :smallsmile:

Congratulations, Bor. I am very happy that you have found somebody.


Onto my own personal issues:

Pretty much certain that the meds are having no effect anymore (if they ever actually did). Not dropping off them yet... But kinda at a loss for what to do now. Graduation means I lost the already pitiful insurance my school offered, meaning I absolutely can't afford to go to the doctor or even afford the next refill of my prescription. And with my long depressive runs apparently back in full swing I'm feeling a bit... hopeless at the moment... =/ So, nothing new to actually report for me.


EDIT: I found out today that both sides of my family have long histories of both clinical depression and bipolar disorders... So... I think it might be genetic. Weeee...

The Anarresti
2010-05-25, 09:34 PM
Genetic is very probably it. All my life I've sortof felt like depression is my default state, that I don't want or deserve to be happy. I have no reason to be depressed: I've got a remarkably stable, supportive and open family, parents are so remarkably open that they deliberately encourage myself and my brothers to rebel against them so we can define our own identity, no physical deformities, and am more or less sane: except for my mental issues.
My mother has clinical depression, and her father. This past winter I almost killed myself, and have begun to take my mother's pills. Don't worry, I am getting professional help. In fact, two: a physciatrist for all my drugs (whee!! Vyvanse for ADHD, Buprophamine for Depression. Hello Magical Cart Fairy, I'll be getting off at Happy Fun Sunshine Land (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0573.html).)
I've been doing very well lately, outwardly. I'm happy, relaxed, on top of work, and telling my counsellor that all's well. But it's not: it seems that my depression has just gone into hibernation, and it just sits in my stomach, gnawing at me. I look at the 60-70 years of life I've got left, and I dread having to slog through it, day after day after day. I get out of school in ten days: I'm dreading summer vacation, because, I think, I'll have enough time on my hands to actually face my demons instead of burying them.
@Jacklu: I think that the best thing you can do (at least the think that has consistently helped for me) is to stay active. When my depression was at its peak, the only time I didn't feel like some dead robot in a black and white world was when I was swimming.

The Anarresti
2010-05-25, 10:08 PM
I mean, if depression can be nothing but genetics, then how can we be said to have free will at all?

Recaiden
2010-05-25, 11:02 PM
I mean, if depression can be nothing but genetics, then how can we be said to have free will at all?

Depression isn't everything there is to a person.

Zeb The Troll
2010-05-25, 11:17 PM
I mean, if depression can be nothing but genetics, then how can we be said to have free will at all?I may be mistaken here, I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that genetics is only an indicator and almost never the sole cause for any potentially hereditary malady, be it depression or breast cancer. Likewise, most of these things can and do come about without any family history at all. So no, it's not "nothing but genetics" at all.

Neko Toast
2010-05-25, 11:54 PM
I may be mistaken here, I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that genetics is only an indicator and almost never the sole cause for any potentially hereditary malady, be it depression or breast cancer. Likewise, most of these things can and do come about without any family history at all. So no, it's not "nothing but genetics" at all.

^ What this guy said.

Also, since there are different theories within the field of Psychology, there are different theories about the cause of Depression. A Biological theorist would tell you that it's due to an imbalance of neurotransmitters (I can't recall if the NT in question is dopamine or serotonin). Family history may or may not play a part as well.

Cognitive theory would explain it through the ABC model (A = activating event, B = beliefs [about said event], C = consequences), where the patient believes that A is the cause of C, when in fact B is the cause of C.

With a behavioral approach, it could be a lack of positive reinforcement/too much negative punishment (Note: in this case, positive and negative don't mean good or bad. Positive = the addition of something, and negative = the subtraction of something).

Psychoanalytic approach is... a bit strange and vague. It usually pertains to some sort of present conflict that is augmented by a conflict in the past that may not have a direct connection with each other.

(So... yeah. Totally didn't take an Abnormal Psychology class last semester)

tl;dr - There's no real solid evidence as to what the cause of depression is, as it's different for everyone. These are just some of the more well-known theories as to how it's caused.

Zeb The Troll
2010-05-26, 04:26 AM
I fear I may have upset the Grandtroll's other grandparents (for convenience I'll call her Betty).

My daughter recently separated from her son and, in so doing, of course, she and Grandtroll also moved out of Betty's basement where they've been living.

I suspect they think that I convinced her to do this.

In point of fact, all I did was tell Daughter that she and Grandtroll could stay with us until they got back on their feet if she needed, and that I would support her decision if that's what she chose to do.

Now, Betty and I have gotten along well since our children decided to wed after conceiving a child. She would invite us to barbecues at their place and we invited her to Alarra's baby shower, et cetera and so on, and we would always have a good time. I had hoped this would continue despite possible awkwardness where Daughter is concerned. Earlier this week, however, Alarra and I decided that we need (need!) to sell our current house and look for something larger and newer. Since Betty's a successful real estate agent and friend of ours, we called her. When she showed up this morning to talk to us, though, she was very business like and almost cold to us.

I don't want to go into the reasons that Daughter is no longer happy in her marriage, but Betty is aware of these reasons and has been for some time. I hope that things smooth out over time. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

--------------------------------------

In other news, Alarra and I bought a lemon for a house two years ago, right before the housing bubble burst (sure wish we'd seen that coming :smallsigh:). In that short time frame, we've had to make several thousand dollars in emergency repairs. And it's small and we really don't like our neighbors. (This is what led us to call Betty.) However, when Betty gave us the market analysis for what we'd be looking at as far as how much our home is worth, it'd be an understatement to say it was disappointing. Apparently our house is currently worth $50K (:smalleek:) less than what we owe on it. So much for selling and moving. Because of the low property values in our area, we would only barely make our mortgage payment if we were to rent it out even, instead of making a small profit like most people do. Looks like we're stuck for the time being. Apparently we're looking at 5 years or more before our house regains enough value to even break even on it.

Ether
2010-05-26, 07:10 PM
I have a question about stress.

Recently, I was hospitalized because for a hour or so I lost the ability to speak, and because my limbs were very heavy, to the point where I couldn't stand. Now the doctors ran a bunch of test, which came back clean. The doctors then said that stress was the problem.

My question are: have any of you experienced severe physical symptoms that doctors attributed to stress? If not do you believe that stress can cause severe physical symptoms?

blackfox
2010-05-26, 07:13 PM
My question are: have any of you experienced severe physical symptoms that doctors attributed to stress? If not do you believe that stress can cause severe physical symptoms?Yes. During panic attacks, though, not just normal severe anxiety. Nausea, impeded breathing, tunnel vision, and my synesthesia goes all bonkers.

bluewind95
2010-05-26, 09:35 PM
I'm a bad person. This hurts me.:smallfrown:

ZombieRockStar
2010-05-27, 12:44 AM
Uh...hey. Me. What an odd occurrence, this "me."

Okay...this is going to be a long one.

For thems that don't know, I used to be a mildly prolific poster (okay, maybe exaggerating how much I posted) on here a few years ago. Long story short: met a girl on here, dated girl, broke up. I...took it badly. Far worse than I should've or had any right to, but that's another massive post. I'll just leave it at that I feel awful about how I acted.

I basically shut down emotionally and stopped coming on here entirely; I just didn't want to deal with any sort of online social life anymore, so I didn't. Chose instead to mope in the real world for about a year, just barely managed to keep my grades up to graduate my last year of uni (and totally bombed on my undergrad thesis) and for a while had no idea what to do with myself.

Got better over time. Emotionally, the really bad point I was at actually helped me chose a new career path (I'm attending divinity school in Sept., if you can believe that—I sure can't). Also, came out as bi, which I knew all along, just never bothered to tell anyone. And then I met a guy, in real life this time, and we started going out.

The relationship itself is great. He makes me happy and I love him. But the thing is that he has health problems. In addition to a whole crapload of other things I won't say for privacy, he has classic Anorexia Nervosa (yeah, it affects guys too...gay guys are at a higher risk, actually). He's very very thin, but he wants to get better. But it's like depression; it isn't a simple matter of saying "I want to be better" and then just being better. Last summer, he went home (he's originally from Newfoundland but goes to school here) for the sole purpose of having someone else be able to cook all of his food (instead of just one a day, tops...I'm actually a pretty good cook) and then came back for the next year of school.

But...it didn't work. He came back here and the next day, I went to pick him up for lunch out and found him in his room, unconscious. I call 911 and he spends the next 3 months in the hospital, doing nothing but eating food until he hits a weight the doctors had set. The dietitian told me that his blood had lost pretty much all of its sugar (no previous history of hypoglycemia, for the record) and was pretty much hours away from cell shutdown if I hadn't called the ambulance. That...kind of shocked me. I don't think I like hearing just how close to death my lover was or how it was pretty much just me and chance that stopped it.

So he gets out of hospital at the end of November and we actually get to spend some time together. I'd saved up some money, so we took a vacation over Christmas and new years to first his home and then San Diego 'cause it's warm and I knew someone there. But...the thing is, he still wasn't eating much. I tried encouraging him, but I keep running into the mental blocks an eating disorder brings ("I don't feel comfortable eating this much" etc.), even when we were in SD and there were some really spectacular vegetarian restaurants there (vegan Mexican is more awesome than it sounds, really), he couldn't justify going out for breakfast, so we only ate 2 meals a day.

And so, he ended back up in the hospital when he got back, again doing nothing but eating and gaining weight very slowly. And a month ago they let him out, just so he could go back home again and go into this inpatient ED program at a hospital back home.

...

I like to think that my best quality is how understanding and supportive I can be, especially in a relationship. Everyone has problems, and I'm not going to hold it against someone for having them. But...it's hard. He's at home and we're sending each other messages and e-mails and using Facebook, etc., but for the last year I've either only had that or just a few hours a day to visit (I got work to go to, student loans to pay off), and...it feels sometimes like I don't actually have anyone, usually when I'm at work, doing mindless stuff. I mean...I love this guy and I know the best thing I can do is just be there for him, and that's exactly what I'm going to do, but it's hard.

I'm staying with my parents while I take a year off to work and pay back some of my student debt, but the thing is I went to school in a different city than where I grew up, so all of my friends are an hour's drive away, which kinda nixes the idea of just calling them up and getting together for a drink or something. I have a few old friends from high school here, but it's been so long since I've even talked to them, it's kinda awkward. So...end result: I have no emotional support outside of my family (and I've got, like, the best family in the world, don't get me wrong). None. I don't even need that much, just a group of people to hang around to remind me: "hey, you're a likeable guy and we think it's worthwhile spending time with you." But I don't even have that. I'm painfully shy, so I don't make friends easily. And without that, I'm just continually getting these bouts of feeling like I'm worthless, unlikeable, going nowhere...that I clearly recognize as capital-D Depression...and feeling like I can't do anything about it, just distract myself from it for a while by playing video games or something. Work takes up too much time (12 hr shifts, 4/week and I just feel too dead the other times) for me to do anything like join a D&D group or something. But...friends are important to me. I know I'm a quiet person and sometimes I seem disconnected from everything, but I really do value the friendships I have, and when I don't have anyone around me, I feel like I'm not worth liking/loving.

Sometimes—and I always end up feeling really guilty for feeling this way—I can't even go without think that even my boyfriend doesn't think I'm worth loving...if he did, he'd get better for me so we wouldn't have to put up with this separation crap, wouldn't he? And I know that's a very stupid thing to think, that it's just plain wrong, but still...and I feel bad for feeling like that.

Like I said, I think I know enough to recognize that as a symptom of depression, not just feeling bad. The cycle of guilt (I feel bad, then I feel guilty for feeling bad, then I feel bad for feeling guilty for feeling bad...etc.), the feelings of worthlessness, and complete immunity to logical thinking when I actually step back to examine the situation (i.e. I know that I'm a good & worthwhile person—just look at how dedicated I've been to someone I love—but it doesn't feel that way). And I don't know what to do. I feel powerless over the situation, both over my boyfriend's health and my own emotions, which makes me feel worse, which makes me feel guilty for feeling worse...and the worst part is I know what I need: I don't need therapy or drugs or anything, I just need to keep reminding myself how awesome I am/could be/was at one point.

On work...I actually like factory work. I'd rather make my money by doing stupid, repetitive things than by just thinking about stupid, repetitive things (like spreadsheets or just how picky this customer could possibly be), and the guys I work with are great fun to be around, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm there for an insane 12-hr shift doing nothing really worthwhile (at least, from my point of view). And I just end up spending my time thinking about all this stuff, and it doesn't help. A few days ago, I just could not get this one thing right (I'm currently in this place that recycles rubber, btw), and it just made me feel like a screw-up on top of being unlikeable and generally worthless, and I couldn't stop crying. Keep in mind, this is blue-collar work, so imagine the guys I'm working with (who were all actually pretty understanding...you know, the more people I get to know, the more I find out that a lot, if not most people actually struggle/have struggled with some kind of depression. That's...encouraging?

I've been trying various things to make me feel better. I'm a great believer in exercise as a natural depression fighter (endorphins and adrenalin are nature's Prozac), so I've been swimming and running a lot. I've actually lost quite a bit of weight over the last eight or so months...maybe 60 or more pounds (I don't keep track), which I definitely could've stood to lose. I've been getting really into cooking and becoming a total foodie and in general not having one thing in the last year that came in a box with microwave directions. They help, yeah...but they can only help, not fix everything I feel is wrong with my life.

...

So, in taking stock of my situation, I reminded myself about this place, and it seemed like a good idea to just let it all out on here. The thing is...I feel like I have absolutely no right to be here. Like...there are people here I considered good friends and I'm sure they considered me a friend, and I just kind of left. I can't shake the feeling that it makes me a horrible friend to have just disappeared for two years and then reappear with a buttload of emotional baggage, and that you're all really angry with me. Friends got responsibilities to each other, you know? And I feel like I kind of just ignored mine.

Uh...I'm sorry. Even if everyone's happy to see me, or if no one even remembers me, I'm sorry.

tl;dr — F. M. L.
Also, I use adverbs, parenthetical statements, and the phrase "pretty much" far too often. I must be hung by the neck until I stop.


Oh, and:


I'm a bad person. This hurts me.:smallfrown:

Okay, I don't know any specifics about this...in fact, if I had to guess (and you're kinda making me, here), I'd say you're probably looking for an invitation to post those specifics, so you don't feel like you're intruding or something. Protip: next time, don't look for that invitation. This is a thread about depression...it's what people come here to read. Plus, emotional problems that are only a sentence long can only get advice that's a sentence long, which is generally very unhelpful and kinda hollow-sounding. Finally, just saying something a sentence long doesn't help you feel better. Ranting is cathartic, I promise. Hell, I feel better about posting what's in the spoiler, and no one's even seen it yet.

That said, without knowing any specifics: you're not a bad person. You're a human person. Human persons sometimes/often/usually do stupid and bad things. But, two things: 1) they usually aren't as stupid or bad as we think they are, and 2) we can always make up for them, somehow.

arguskos
2010-05-27, 12:53 AM
So, in taking stock of my situation, I reminded myself about this place, and it seemed like a good idea to just let it all out on here. The thing is...I feel like I have absolutely no right to be here. Like...there are people here I considered good friends and I'm sure they considered me a friend, and I just kind of left. I can't shake the feeling that it makes me a horrible friend to have just disappeared for two years and then reappear with a buttload of emotional baggage, and that you're all really angry with me. Friends got responsibilities to each other, you know? And I feel like I kind of just ignored mine.
There are responsibilities, and responsibilities. You had the latter come up, and you focused on what was more important at the time. There's no shame in that, so don't feel as such. :smallwink:

As for your troubles, uh, well, I don't honestly have a lot I can do. I've got my own troubles, ones I'm having severe issues handling right now, and have little energy to dedicate to helping others (much to my chagrin). I mostly am posting to let you know that someone read your post, and will think well of you, if it matters to you. :smallwink:

Serpentine
2010-05-27, 01:16 AM
Heeey, it's Zombie! :biggrin:
...oh :smalleek: :smallfrown: I know it won't help, but I'm very glad to see you back again, and I would totally invite you round to hang out if I could. What's your Facebook? I'll start inviting you to stuff anyway :smalltongue:
If you still want this friend in your life, give him the "apology but." "I'm sorry you felt that I turned cold, but graduation was dominating my thoughts in those last weeks. As for the financial situation, I'm sorry you feel as though I was irresponsible at times, but my work and school schedule didn't offer me a lot of opportunity to do things as swiftly as you wanted them done."My mother once told my sister that ""I'm sorry, but" is not an apology." I'm inclined to agree. If you're not intending to apologise, it might be useful, but I would use it with great caution.

Time Upon a Once, I periodically experienced Moods. I would have bouts of sadness or anger that would last hours or a day or a week, for no apparent reason. I even started keeping a chart to see if there was a pattern to them, maybe PMS or somesuch (I don't believe I ever found such a pattern). Eventually, they were eclipsed by extended periods of explainable emotional turmoil - misery over thinking my boyfriend didn't love me anymore, sadness over its ending, anger and all-round insanity due to subsequent dramas. After that, for the last... What, 2 years? These Moods have just disappeared. I didn't even notice their absence, I just seemed to have a much more consistent frame of mind. But in the last few weeks... It's coming back again. I've been getting so angry for no reason at all. I yanked a spoon out of my baby nephew's hand because he wasn't eating properly, and I had a horrible urge to hit my Boy just because he was distracting me - both things that wouldn't normally do more than mildly irk me. I'm afraid I'm at risk of being rather violent when I get really angry...
What's wrong with me? :smallfrown:

Jacklu
2010-05-27, 01:33 AM
Jacklu is feeling exceptionally manic today. As enjoyable as it is to have energy and not be depressed, I can't really take pleasure in it knowing that it is likely just an upswing in a stupid cycle and I'll be wallowing in the mud soon enough.

Tyrandar
2010-05-27, 02:05 AM
Jacklu is feeling exceptionally manic today. As enjoyable as it is to have energy and not be depressed, I can't really take pleasure in it knowing that it is likely just an upswing in a stupid cycle and I'll be wallowing in the mud soon enough.

You have no idea how I yearn for a bit of mania. I'm ridiculously tired and fat. :smallsigh:

Also going slightly insane because I managed to shake my mental health support network which leads to more depression and dark thoughts, mildly suicidal urges, etc, etc. Problem is, I don't really like my therapist and psychiatrist, so I have no motivation to go back. Need to find a different one, though how I'll be able to manage that is beyond me.

Rawr. It seems I am the master of posting right when the thread cycles over to a new page. Rawr.

Zeb The Troll
2010-05-27, 02:39 AM
@ZRS - Hello! It's good to see you again! :smallcool:

I'm going to agree with what arguskos said. You had stuff that you needed to handle in your own way and, at the time, hanging out here wasn't going to facilitate that. We're not upset with you for it, but we've missed you around here.

As for the rest of your post, it sounds to me like you've got an exceptional handle on what's going on with you. That you're taking active measures to handle it is commendable, and the fact that you recognize it for what it is even moreso.

Is there any time frame where you and your guy will be able to live in closer proximity? I don't have to tell you it's exponentially more difficult to be supportive from a distance than in person.

Honestly, I think you both would benefit from seeking professional assistance. I don't think you need meds or anything, just a trained guide to help you navigate your thought patterns. But your guy? He needs help. He needs more than to be fattened up a bit and sent home to fall back into his dangerous routines. If you could both do it together, so much the better. I believe the benefit would be great for the both of you. Is there any chance of this?

@Bor/Serpentine - I'm inclined to agree with Serp here. "I'm sorry, but I have an excuse" isn't really being sorry, it's just putting a pretty face on an excuse. It's possible to actually be sorry and have an excuse, but a true apology is not about the excuse. Take these examples:

"I'm sorry, but I can't help you right now because ..."
vs.
"I'm sorry that I can't help you right now."

Also, don't apologize for your recipient, apologize for you. (This brings to mind this joke dialog "You're an idiot." "I demand an apology!" "Very well, I'm sorry that you're an idiot.")

"I'm sorry you feel this way, but there are reasons to explain or justify what happened."
vs.
"I'm sorry that what I did made you feel this way."

I hope this makes sense. I'm never certain.

Serpentine
2010-05-27, 02:49 AM
Also, putting it those ways doesn't mean you can't then explain what happened. Even just replacing the ", but" with a full stop can help.

potatocubed
2010-05-27, 04:34 AM
My question are: have any of you experienced severe physical symptoms that doctors attributed to stress?

Yup. I know it seems ridiculous - it took me months to get my head around the idea, because I didn't feel stressed but I was suffering from all sorts of weird symptoms - but stress can cause a huge variety of real, physical effects.

Or, to be more accurate, stress replicates the psychological effects of real physical symptoms - physical problems can cause persistent dizziness, for example, but the 'experience of dizziness' is all psychological. Stress can give you the experience without any of the physical causes being present. Ditto for things like rigid paralysis. The adrenaline that stress releases, on the other hand, is responsible for genuine physical symptoms that help to blur the issue - uncontrollable shaking, for example, or loss of sensation in your extremities caused by inhibited oxygen supply.

Anyway, yes. We have this idea that stress is 'all in your head' but it can do things to your body that defy belief.

ZombieRockStar
2010-05-27, 05:28 PM
Honestly, I think you both would benefit from seeking professional assistance. I don't think you need meds or anything, just a trained guide to help you navigate your thought patterns. But your guy? He needs help. He needs more than to be fattened up a bit and sent home to fall back into his dangerous routines. If you could both do it together, so much the better. I believe the benefit would be great for the both of you. Is there any chance of this?

He does get it, actually. Forgot to mention that. When he was out of the hospital, he was seeing his doctor, a dietitian, and a psychiatrist all on a weekly basis. By their invitation, I actually sat in on a few sessions of each. The thing is...as Utopian as our health care may seem to you Americans, it really only covers primary care (i.e. GP and hospital). Not dentist, not optometrist, and not therapist/psychiatrist (except under specific circumstances, I think). He's still in school, still qualifies as a dependent for his parents (who both work for a university), and has Blue Cross on top of that. I just have OHIP (Ontario government), and there's absolutely no way I could afford it. It would help, definitely, and I'd find the money somehow if I thought I needed drugs, but I don't think I do. At the very least, my thoughts have all been "I wish my life were a lot better" than "I'd rather be dead." I think that's a positive thing, 'cause then my train of thought goes "I wish life was better => how could life be better?"

bluewind95
2010-05-27, 09:41 PM
That said, without knowing any specifics: you're not a bad person. You're a human person. Human persons sometimes/often/usually do stupid and bad things. But, two things: 1) they usually aren't as stupid or bad as we think they are, and 2) we can always make up for them, somehow.

Humans that are just humans don't have people who kind of wouldn't mind them dead...

I really am that bad.

Zeb The Troll
2010-05-28, 01:36 AM
He does get it, actually. Forgot to mention that. When he was out of the hospital, he was seeing his doctor, a dietitian, and a psychiatrist all on a weekly basis. By their invitation, I actually sat in on a few sessions of each. The thing is...as Utopian as our health care may seem to you Americans, it really only covers primary care (i.e. GP and hospital). Not dentist, not optometrist, and not therapist/psychiatrist (except under specific circumstances, I think). He's still in school, still qualifies as a dependent for his parents (who both work for a university), and has Blue Cross on top of that. I just have OHIP (Ontario government), and there's absolutely no way I could afford it. It would help, definitely, and I'd find the money somehow if I thought I needed drugs, but I don't think I do. At the very least, my thoughts have all been "I wish my life were a lot better" than "I'd rather be dead." I think that's a positive thing, 'cause then my train of thought goes "I wish life was better => how could life be better?"Oh good! I'm glad he wasn't just left to his own devices after the stay. I knew that sounded off that a hospital would do that. So what about the timeline for living near each other again?

Serpentine
2010-05-28, 01:38 AM
Erm... No suggestions of explanations for why my Moods might be coming back again? <.<

arguskos
2010-05-28, 01:53 AM
Erm... No suggestions of explanations for why my Moods might be coming back again? <.<
You have unaddressed RAWR Syndrome. (Randomly Appearing Whack-that-guy Really-hard Syndrome)

This is also a joke. A more serious answer would be to ask if you are unusually stressed or something right now? That might be triggering it.

Zeb The Troll
2010-05-28, 01:55 AM
Sorry, Serp, I wish I did.

*makes note to ask Alarra about it, though*

Can you coincide the timing with anything else, environmentally, that may have changed at the same time? Moving, diet, exercise routine, anything?

Dexam
2010-05-28, 02:15 AM
Erm... No suggestions of explanations for why my Moods might be coming back again? <.<

Caveat: I am not a doctor, I just pretend to be one on the internets. :smalltongue:

I can think of three possible reasons:
1. hormone imbalance;
2. side-effect of medication;
3. a source of stress that you are not consciously recognizing.

The usual questions in this sort of situation: Have you recently had any major changes in diet and/or lifestyle? Are you taking any medications (and I do mean any*)? Have your sleeping/waking patterns changed? For that matter, are you getting enough sleep? Have you recently lost or gained a significant quantity of weight? Can you identify any recent events that might be preying on your subconscious, no matter how insignificant, thus causing you stress? Do you smoke, and are you trying to quit? Any blood pressure problems, or family history of such?


* = The reason I mention "any medication" is several years ago, I was taking a particular non-prescription brand of medication on a situational basis for sinusitis-induced headaches. The problem was that the medication gave me Moods much like you describe yours (i.e. things that should only irk me drove me to a near-rage). I didn't realise that it was medication causing these Moods because it only happened about 1 time in 3 or 4, and "mood-alteration" wasn't on the medication's list of known side-effects; I thought it was the sinus-headaches causing me to angry-up. I started suspecting that something wasn't quite right, stopped taking that particular medication for my sinusitis, and lo and behold! It turns out it was the medication making me angry.

Moral of the story: check your medication! Including innocuous stuff like asprin, paracetemol, and codeine. If possible, try switching to a different brand - your body/brain chemistry changes, and it might be causing unexpected side effects.

Take two pieces of advice, and if problems persist, consult your doctor. :smallwink:

Serpentine
2010-05-28, 02:32 AM
Okay, lets see...
- I have a contraceptive implant, Implanon. I have had this for... 2ish years now? and was on the Pill for years before that.
- I've been working on losing weight for a few months now. I don't believe anything changed in the last couple of weeks that I didn't change before then (though there were things like getting sick and hurting my ankle in there).
- I've only lost 2.5kg in about 2.5 months overall. Hardly drastic :smallannoyed: However, because of the attempting-to-lose-weight thing, it has been fluctuating more than usual. However, that fluctuation has still been happening for the whole 2.5 months. Furthermore, my weight was far more stable (though very slowly increasing) way-back-when when these Moods were pretty common for me.
- I don't believe there have been any major changes to my stress levels. They're more-or-less lower now than back when I was still doing my degree. I have been getting very down/frustrated/annoyed/self-disliking about my weight, though. Break-up issues are almost completely gone - a sort-of recent but steadily developing development.
- Don't smoke, no family histories of anything that I know of. Well, except some sort of Crazy (substantial bi-polar and maybe something else in my uncle) and glaucoma (blind one-eyed great-grandmother).
- Haven't moved, although we did shift some stuff and made room in the spare room, but that was after I started getting Moods again.

Um... That's about it. There's probably a whole stack of things in there that could be triggering it :smallsigh: I'd ask Dr. Mum but, well, she doesn't like me asking medical things.
It's not very nice having a surging desire to whack your 5-month-old nephew :smallfrown:

Zeb The Troll
2010-05-28, 02:51 AM
Okay, lets see...
- I have a contraceptive implant, Implanon. I have had this for... 2ish years now? and was on the Pill for years before that.A quick Google on Implanon shows emotional lability (http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/emotional+lability) and depression as less common side effects. Oddly though, your start seems to roughly coincide with the beginning of your freedom from Moods.

Thought process - Implanon is a hormonal contraceptive. This hormone (progesterone) is known to cause mood swings and "excessive emotional reactions". You are nearing the end of life for your current implant (3 years). Perhaps, for you, the implant was actually staving off the Moods?

Stranger things have happened, no?

Dexam
2010-05-28, 03:34 AM
Zeb: I was thinking exactly the same thing after reading Serptine's post. You saved me a Google search. :smallsmile:

Serpentine: In case it is your contraceptive implant, you may want to go visit your GP and ask for a blood test. Other than that, as you say, it may be a variety of contributing factors. Regarding the weight fluctuations; as it's gradual weight loss I doubt that would be causing the Moods. I only mentioned it because I've heard on reasonably good evidence that sudden dramatic loss or gain of weight can cause hormone level imbalance.

Serpentine
2010-05-28, 03:42 AM
Hm... Maybe. Interesting if true.
Added factor in there, though: The Implanon was put in around the end of the relationship and the accompanying insanity (in various senses of the word).

Edit: Wait... That would mean that Moodiness is normal for me. Crap :smallfrown:

Quincunx
2010-05-28, 04:24 AM
Hey, it's better than my theory, which is "you get cranky when one of you wants out of the relationship". (This time, it being you, describing Boy as possessive when friends are over.)

Ether
2010-05-28, 04:31 AM
Yup. I know it seems ridiculous - it took me months to get my head around the idea, because I didn't feel stressed but I was suffering from all sorts of weird symptoms - but stress can cause a huge variety of real, physical effects.

This is me. I don't feel anymore stress than usual so it's even harder to believe that stress is the problem.

Serpentine
2010-05-28, 05:43 AM
Hey, it's better than my theory, which is "you get cranky when one of you wants out of the relationship". (This time, it being you, describing Boy as possessive when friends are over.)As this Moodiness goes right back to high school, and I don't want out of this relationship, I very much doubt it.
Also, he doesn't get possessive, he gets sulky. Though he's been much better recently.

Nano
2010-05-28, 01:43 PM
The last of a litter of three kittens one of my cats had recently had died today. Don't even know what happened, it just up and died on the front porch, right next to the food bowl.

Castaras
2010-05-28, 05:38 PM
*hugs Nano*

Minor woe: Can someone tell me that I did the right thing, and I should stop what-if-ing and being silly?

Pyrian
2010-05-28, 06:00 PM
You did the right thing. You should stop what-if-ing. However, keep being silly. That's just goodness all around. :smallcool:

The Anarresti
2010-05-28, 06:21 PM
The last of a litter of three kittens one of my cats had recently had died today. Don't even know what happened, it just up and died on the front porch, right next to the food bowl.

It's sad, *HUGS*, but it probably wasn't your fault. The poor little guy was probably born with some birth defect you couldn't see, like a weak heart. Don't beat yourself up over it.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-05-28, 06:55 PM
@Bor/Serpentine - I'm inclined to agree with Serp here. "I'm sorry, but I have an excuse" isn't really being sorry, it's just putting a pretty face on an excuse. It's possible to actually be sorry and have an excuse, but a true apology is not about the excuse. Take these examples:

"I'm sorry, but I can't help you right now because ..."
vs.
"I'm sorry that I can't help you right now."

Also, don't apologize for your recipient, apologize for you. (This brings to mind this joke dialog "You're an idiot." "I demand an apology!" "Very well, I'm sorry that you're an idiot.")

"I'm sorry you feel this way, but there are reasons to explain or justify what happened."
vs.
"I'm sorry that what I did made you feel this way."

I hope this makes sense. I'm never certain.
Hmmm...I am inclined to agree. In fact, it crossed my mind, yet the thoughts that followed it never made it into the post. I'm brilliant like that.

The aforementioned thoughts involved the difference between an apology followed by an excuse and an apology followed by an explanation. Admittedly, there is a fine line between the two at times, while at others...It's like saying, "I don't mean to be insulting, but you're a moron." You're not scoring points. And the apology/explanation has worked for me in the past.

The situation could have found me saying, "I'm sorry, but I was just a jerk back then." I assure you that that would have been quite fitting, even though it's no apology whatsoever. It's asking for someone to give the okay for bad behavior. Instead, I found myself talking to a friend's wife, whom I'd insulted many years before, saying, "I'm really sorry about what I said and did all those years ago, but I was living with undiagnosed mental illness. Had anyone known, maybe things would have worked out differently." Having made my apology, she said I should forget about it; it was a non-issue now. I, however, insisted on working the apology portion at that point. "No, my illness EXPLAINS my behavior, but doesn't EXCUSE it. I really am sorry for what I did." She accepted my apology, and life went on.

As to what I did...? I had a psychological blowout after I found a girlfriend cheating on me. I became quite the misogynist. And I mean "over-the-top" misogyny, too. When hanging out with my friend and his the girlfriend, she started getting on my nerves with one of her usual behavior patterns, to which I responded, "Would you shut up, already? The men are talking." (When I tell you I'm far from a saint, it's examples like this that remind me of the schmuck I once was.) The result was me being told to leave and never come back. It was over a decade before I could make my apology to my friend and the woman who'd become his wife.

It has always worked for me. "I'm sorry, but (insert explanation). And while that explains it, it doesn't excuse the way I reacted. I truly am sorry." I've even used it here, and have yet to hear a complaint. And you've all probably seen it, but the wording makes it difficult to spot. "I'm sorry I haven't been around much to help, but (insert latest medical disaster). I wish there was more I could do. I really do. But for the moment, I need to concentrate on my issues."

Speaking of which, I have an old issue becoming a bigger and better problem. I have (left) elbow surgery rapidly approaching on 9 May JUNE, and my right knee has decided it doesn't like having a torn meniscus. Since I'm dealing with a specialist, getting him to fix the larger issue is a feat unto itself. I'm seeing him three days after sutures are removed from my elbow about my knee. With my luck, the surgery to fix the knee will be on my b-day. (He operates on Wednesdays and Fridays, and since July 9 is a Friday...Yeah. Happy Birthday, Bor! Have some surgery! :smalleek: ) I still look in on thi thread, but unless I have something definitive to say, usually something that cuts right through the pain, I've remained silent.

Take care of yourselves while I try to take care of me, okay? (And no more disagreeing with Bor. He knows what he's doing. :smalltongue: )

Jacklu
2010-05-28, 08:50 PM
Crashing again... I just want this all to stop... -_-

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-05-28, 09:12 PM
Jacklu: Not sure how many times I need to say this, but you MUST get in touch with your doctor. Not "should." Not, "you might wanna." You MUST. If you can't do it on your own, get in touch with a friend who is familiar with your situation and ask them to help you get help. Any one of us could do it, but my assumption is that most of us are at least 100 miles from your current locale. Since you've been questioning the effectiveness of the meds, as well as crashing a lot, the time for debate is over. Call your doctor. NOW!

Jacklu
2010-05-28, 09:23 PM
I don't have the money or the time to make a doctor's appointment. I don't have any friends, let alone ones to help me... I'm not sure I even care any more about getting "better."

EDIT: I am a horrible, stupid, selfish person. An attention whore and a loathsome waste of everyone's time and concern. Sorry for everything.

Zeb The Troll
2010-05-29, 12:00 AM
Speaking of which, I have an old issue becoming a bigger and better problem. I have (left) elbow surgery rapidly approaching on 9 May...I find this mildly amusing.

:smallcool:

Quincunx
2010-05-29, 07:50 AM
There is but one way to reconcile this: Bor travels backwards through time. :smallcool:

Imagine it applied to all of you--argh, this thread is a No Hypotheticals zone! [redacted]

Teddy
2010-05-29, 10:16 AM
I don't have the money or the time to make a doctor's appointment. I don't have any friends, let alone ones to help me... I'm not sure I even care any more about getting "better."

Don't be silly, there must surely be someone who you can call a friend. It doesn't have to be someone you spend a majority of your time with - pretty much anyone who knows you and doesn't seem uncomfortable in your vicinity do actually care for you, believe me. If you break down crying in the middle of the class and no one cares, then perhaps you haven't got one, but i doubt the likelyhood of that scenario.


EDIT: I am a horrible, stupid, selfish person. An attention whore and a loathsome waste of everyone's time and concern. Sorry for everything.

"Attention whoring" is the symptom of a pretty simple issue, namely a good old need for attention. You need someone to talk to - badly. It might be more important for you than you ever imagine.

Good luck! *bearhugs*

PS: Your new avatar makes me depressed. Can't you switch back to your cubone, pretty please? It was so cute! :smallredface:

Serpentine
2010-05-29, 10:24 AM
There's sure to at least be some sort of free phone support. Something like our Lifeline or somesuch. At least it could be somewhere to start.
Does the US have no equivalent to our bulk billing or anything? :smallconfused:

Jacklu
2010-05-29, 10:32 AM
Suicide hotlines are not exactly what I need. They can't prescribe medication or anything like that. And besides, if talking about my problems fixed anything... well, all I ever seem to do is blather endlessly to whoever will listen about how bad I feel, and it has yet to cure me. =/ Sorry... I shouldn't be allowed near a computer when I am feeling this way...

Serpentine
2010-05-29, 10:41 AM
They shouldn't only be "suicide hotlines" (I know ours aren't), and I would hope that they could give you some information on finding other help.

edit: I find it very hard to believe there isn't some US equivalent, but in the meantime here (http://au.reachout.com/)'s one of ours.
All we can do is throw ideas and platitudes at you. It's up to you to follow them up. Stop spouting excuses and self-depreciating waffle, and start looking for solutions. I will not believe it when you say "such-and-such is not what I need" until you actually try it and come back here and say "I called this place. I asked these questions. They gave me these answers. I did not find it useful." Even if you do do that, then that just means you try something else.

Jacklu
2010-05-29, 10:53 AM
I'm sorry... I really am... I know you are trying to help, though I will never understand why anyone would want to help me... I just can't do this anymore... v.v sorry...

Serpentine
2010-05-29, 10:57 AM
If you're really sorry, and you really appreciate the help, you will show that by actually listening to some of it. If you won't do it for youself, then try this: Show some damn appreciation and listen to the advice we're so graciously giving you! Snap to it! Right now! Start somewhere easy and convenient: have a look at Reach Out. I doubt much, if any, of the information will be useful in another country, but it might give you somewhere to start. Get on it right now, soldier!

[/drill sergeant :smalltongue:]

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-05-29, 12:03 PM
Jacklu: Listen...You are in crisis. I was penniless, jobless, and uninsured. And, as per my blog of 19 October 2008:


Honestly, I don't recall the exact date. It was early September. I sat down with a notebook and scribbled out four pages, front and back, about why I wanted to end it all. Then I packed a bag and walked over a mile to the nearest hospital. When I signed in at the emergency room desk, and I filled in the "reason for visit today," I wrote that I was suicidal. When the triage nurse called me back, I showed her the note. You'd think I was having a heart attack, because they put me in a room immediately. A nurse was left to make sure I didn't do anything harmful to myself. In a few short hours, I was transported to a different hospital - one that was better equipped to handle psych cases.

(I cover my "suicidal history" in October 2008. Anyone who's interested can just head for my blog and read that. I also recount my "therapeutic history," starting that month and moving on to the next.)

You cannot be denied help because you don't have money or insurance. What's more, while I was hospitalized, I was brought forms that applied my hospital to Medicaid. If you are admitted, ask a social worker how they might be able to help...once you're feeling a little better, of course.

Also, suicide hotlines may not be EXACTLY what you need, but they are trained to help. They may have a list of resources sitting right next to their phones that can help you find the exact aid you're looking for. You won't know until you call and find out.

I knew a suicide hotline volunteer. (Yes, he was a volunteer for such a distressing job!) His name was Matt, and he was probably one of the funniest guys I knew in my youth. (He also volunteered with an ambulance corps.) One day we were stunned when he showed up and looking like his world had been crushed. "I lost one last night," he said, and went on to explain how a teenager had killed himself on the phone while talking to Matt. The kid was apparently a regular, and Matt realized something was seriously our of sorts immediately. He had another volunteer dispatch emergency personnel to the kid's home, but the boy committed the deed swiftly. How Matt was able to do anything after that night is beyond me. If I'd heard a gunshot through the phone like that, I'd probably cry the rest of my life. :smallfrown:

Look...I understand that getting up and helping yourself is difficult. Depression doesn't just knock the wind out of your sails...It tears down the sails and the masts, ripping up a hole in the boat, and leaves you sinking. You are spiraling out of control, even thinking that coming here is a burden. You need to remember that we are not just volunteers, but friends who wish we could do more. If we didn't care at all, we wouldn't respond to anyone who posted here. And if we were vaguely malicious, as some sites are (in excess), then we'd be egging you on. We're not. We're pulling out all the stops, trying to figure out some way for you to get some kind of help.

You only THINK you and your problems are a waste of time and that no one cares because of the damaged works inside your brain. It's a genuine illness. Millions of people suffer from it. You are not alone. And I'm not sure if anyone else is thinking of it, but it's OBVIOUS you're having a major crash. Not long ago, you were celebrating your graduation from college, with honors! I read that post while my lady-friend was here, and even she was cheering for you! To go from elated to so down you can barely move is a big, BIG, BIG symptom.

So, using some of the advice from myself and others:

1: Call a suicide hotline. You don't know what they can do for you until you call and ask.
2: Call a friend or family member. Just because you think no one cares doesn't mean it's true. If you ever believed someone was close to you at some point, call them and tell them you need help. Be sure they know that they need not provide more help than getting you to a professional.
3: Call for an ambulance. Do this if you honestly believe you are going to do yourself harm. Don't feel guilty about calling, as I sometimes did. If you're going to hurt yourself, it's the result of an illness, and you are just as worthy of aid as any heart attack or gunshot victim.
4: Keep us posted. You've been making a lot of statements of late... "I am a horrible, stupid, selfish person. An attention whore and a loathsome waste of everyone's time and concern. Sorry for everything." "I shouldn't be allowed near a computer when I am feeling this way..." "I'm sorry... I really am... I know you are trying to help, though I will never understand why anyone would want to help me... I just can't do this anymore... v.v sorry... " We wouldn't respond if we didn't care. If we were as upset as you IMAGINE we are, we'd tell you to go away. That's not what this thread is about. You are using it for the very purpose for which it was created, and we want to know how you're progressing. (Besides, continued posts at least let us know you're still alive, if not well.)

Serpie is semi-correct. (I personally don't like the "snap out of it" approach. If I could snap out of an illness, I would start with my diabetes and its complications.) What you need to do is snap out of this crisis just long enough to get help. We can only do so much. I mean, you don't expect Serpentine or myself to travel to TX and drive you to the hospital, do you? (It would be nice, but things don't work that way.) You have to help you, even if the only move you feel up to making is a phone call for help.

Okay...I'm in "babble mode," but it's still on topic.

In another incarnation of this thread, someone described depression in what I thought were perfect terms. It went something like this: "You're lying in bed, and at the center of the room, on the floor, is a magic wand that you absolutely KNOW will fix everything. All you have to do is get up and wave it around a bit. Depression prevents you from having the willpower to get up and do that little bit." It really was perfect. I mean, that's how I felt when I schlepped myself to the hospital, and certainly how I felt after that when I made an actual attempt on my life.

I'm careful not to say the words, "I know how you feel." I don't. I never can. Until I've lived every moment of another person's life, knowing every little thing that forms a thought in his/her head, I can never know how someone else feels. But I can certainly UNDERSTAND how someone feels, and that description, with my subsequent agreement, demonstrates just that.

I don't know how you feel, Jacklu. I can't. But I can understand it. Having felt similarly, I know that we've been asking a lot of you. Or so it seems. Right now, I'm asking you to take that first step. Make a phone call. You don't even have to leave your home just yet. Just make a call and see how it goes from there.

I just received a PM, not open in another tab, and I need to address that. Keep us posted, please.

Jacklu
2010-05-29, 09:10 PM
:smallfrown: All this attention for me... v.v I know I should feel loved or grateful or something... but all I can think of is how much I'm worrying other people who have never even met me. =/ Sorry all...

Work is killing me... possibly literally. The AC is out and it has been in the high nineties all weekend, my boss is a ****, and the store we are in is under renovations so I have had to close everything on both sides by myself the last three days. I honestly don't know if I can handle another day of it. >.<

I did tell my mom and she said she would help me get some help, but with working tomorrow and Memorial day on Monday and my boss randomly scheduling me to work Tuesday... T_T The earliest I'll be able to do anything is Wednesday.

Serpentine
2010-05-29, 11:37 PM
Serpie is semi-correct. (I personally don't like the "snap out of it" approach. If I could snap out of an illness, I would start with my diabetes and its complications.) What you need to do is snap out of this crisis just long enough to get help. We can only do so much. I mean, you don't expect Serpentine or myself to travel to TX and drive you to the hospital, do you? (It would be nice, but things don't work that way.) You have to help you, even if the only move you feel up to making is a phone call for help.It was "snap to it", not "snap out of it", as in "stop making up excuses for why nothing will help you and actually try some things that might help you", rather than "toughen the f. up". Which I know is a long way from helpful.

Telling your mother's a good start, methinks.

742
2010-05-30, 02:38 AM
attention whores generally dont feel bad about attention whoring, and they generally dont avoid telling people things that they might react badly to; at least in my experience. maybe all the attention whores ive met were just not very good at it?

Lillith
2010-05-30, 02:59 AM
@Jacklu: The more you'll shout that things won't help, without trying them, the more they won't. Alright it might take a couple of days before you're able to start, but take that chance on Wednesday. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is not going to help, you are the only person who can help you. And that is by taking that first step. Now you've already told your mom so you already took that first step! So try to take that second one and just focus on taking one step at the time now.

Things may seem awful atm, but I know from experience times will change situations. Last January I was having a major depression episode myself. I really wondered why I would wake up every day, but I got help and tried to keep going. I have to say it was -really- hard on me and I probably only made it cause my parents and the few friends I had sticked with me, but you can do it too! Now it's half a year later and you know what? Things changed! I'm almost out of the bad situation I landed in and so can you.

Who knows, when you feel better you could try to apply for a new job. I'm not saying that's what is going to happen soon. Dream jobs don't happen overnight, but think about it. Is it reasonable to think that for the rest of your life you'll be doing that same job while you're unhappy about it? Chances are you'll find a better job!

Don't worry so much about the people on here. The most important thing you have to worry about is how to help yourself and get help from other sources. It's nice that you came to talk about your problems on the forum, that's a big step, but we can only do so much for you. Listen to what Bor had to say, his advice sounds really good for your situation.

Jacklu, I don't know if you know it, but you already took two major steps into changing your situation for the positive. For one, you came here to find people to listen to you and give advice. The second one is listening to one of those advices and talk to your mom about it. Trust your mom, tell her what you need to feel happier, she'll help you through it. In the meantime you can always come here for people who are willing to listen. :smallwink:

Zanaril
2010-05-30, 03:47 AM
*sigh*

I seem to wake up every morning hating myself. Outwardly, it doesn't show - which is certainly an improvement over crying at every little thing - but then something clicks and I find myself fighting the urge to hurt myself. I'm not even sure if I really have a problem. Possibly these ups and downs are a normal part of life, and the problem is I'm giving in and directing them into self-hatred. But either way, nothing seems to really make me happy; if I'm acting cheerful it's like I'm an outsider, watching in but not really being part of it. And even that doesn't last, I need things to distract me constantly just to keep me feeling normal.

Teddy
2010-05-30, 12:01 PM
*sigh*

I seem to wake up every morning hating myself. Outwardly, it doesn't show - which is certainly an improvement over crying at every little thing - but then something clicks and I find myself fighting the urge to hurt myself. I'm not even sure if I really have a problem. Possibly these ups and downs are a normal part of life, and the problem is I'm giving in and directing them into self-hatred. But either way, nothing seems to really make me happy; if I'm acting cheerful it's like I'm an outsider, watching in but not really being part of it. And even that doesn't last, I need things to distract me constantly just to keep me feeling normal.

I don't know if I would actually say that disguising and hiding your feelings is a good thing. It might seem so, but it only makes people around you oblivious to what's really going on within you, which can lead to a feeling of alienation and loneliness, and an even smaller likelyhood of someone stepping forward and asking you what's wrong.

I developed that ability (or at least a similar one) a few years ago when I went through a period of (relatively) mild bullying, and it later evolved into a sort of self-caused numbness which I now pull over myself whenever I feel sad. It might sound as something good (and it has some good sides), but it won't solve any of the core issues, and I can often feel pretty lonely when no one else notices that I'm down.

Now, I'm neither depressed nor have an especially saddening life, so there aren't many cases where I actually feel sad, and I almost never feel lonely, but I have a gnawing feeling that I'm not as emotional as I was before those years. I'm terrified by the thought of me losing my emotions down to the point of becoming a cold-hearted psychopath.

My advice is that you don't hold in your feelings for ever. I once made this comparission to a dam when I described how my feeling of anger works, but it can be applied to sadness as well:

"I'm not easily angered, because every drop of anger is contained within a huge dam. This dam is under constant construction to prevent the anger from spilling over - sometimes when there's a lot of anger at once, some of it might spill over, but most of it is stopped within the dam.

And then, some day, there comes too much anger at the same time for the dam to handle, and it bursts in an unstoppable flood of scream and fury - every drop of contained anger hidden within me - flowing forward in a very destructive (in a mental, not a material) way."

It might not really work the same way for you, but talking to someone is a good way to ease your heart and it might open a doorway to regaining the faith to yourself. Just try to find someone willing to listen. I believe a majority of the human population actually wants to be there for their friends and help them, if they only knew anything about what's going on. Just try it, okay?

Good luck!
*bearhugs*

Zanaril
2010-05-30, 03:48 PM
My advice is that you don't hold in your feelings for ever.

But if I can - and yet don't - I feel like I'm attention seeking. It is attention seeking. If I'm upset and moody, all it does is create needless problems for my family, and if I'm willing to do that I don't deserve their sympathy.


It might not really work the same way for you, but talking to someone is a good way to ease your heart and it might open a doorway to regaining the faith to yourself. Just try to find someone willing to listen. I believe a majority of the human population actually wants to be there for their friends and help them, if they only knew anything about what's going on. Just try it, okay?

I'm not good at talking to people. I have tried, and the conversation twists around to the point where everything's my fault, where since I can't tangibly explain the problem, it can be reasoned away.

There's no point anyway; if they say "You seem a lot better now." and reply with "Well, actually, I'm not. Really." it makes it look as though I want there to be a problem, as though I'm using it as an excuse for everything else. They keep telling me that a lot of teenagers go through this, that a lot of teenagers are lonely; what they're actually saying is: you're exaggerating, your life is no worse than anyone else's, all we need to do is make you understand that so you'll snap out of this. You'll see.

Dallas-Dakota
2010-05-30, 04:21 PM
Sigh, I thought I escaped it..But no, I knew it already, no, I've fallen into it again. Or I'm probably still in this ever-damned cycle of ruining my self, mainly succes, stableness and happynes.....

Winthur
2010-05-30, 05:20 PM
I know I wasn't supposed to post there anymore. I was supposed to move on. I was supposed to be happy with myself.

Alas, I can't. My mother appears to loathe me, all the people I depended upon as my "friends" turned away from me and I feel like I deserved all of it.

Every thought of being a failure comes back spiralling into my head.

Water-Smurf
2010-05-30, 11:46 PM
Depression is really a pain in the ass.

My whole life, I've been dancing on the edge of clinical depression (and I really mean my whole life: I've felt unusually blank and sad since as long as I can remember). I think I've always been on the shallow end of it and I've been asking for medical intervention for years, but now I think I've gone a little too deep.

I go to a boarding school. I was having a very rough time because I'm socially inept and the kids weren't particularly interested in talking to me. Whenever I tried to engage in conversation, I said something stupid or got awkward and beat myself up over it afterwards, so I just holed up in my room and got lonelier and lonelier. It's easy to ignore loneliness at home. There are fewer reminders. The house is usually very quiet, as my brother's always out with friends, my mother's always out for work-related functions, and my dad's often out of the state or even out of the country for work. When it's completely silent save for the TV you put on to drown it out and the quiet pants of your dog lying next to you, it's easy to ignore. It's when you hear the cheerful laughter and conversation just outside your door, or when you feel the shakes in the floor as feet thump by, or you see the cute messages girls write on each other's doors while yours stays woefully blank... that's when you can't ignore it. That's when the silence get's so loud that you can hear your own heartbeat in your ears. That's when the loneliness and sadness wakes up from its dull, achy slumber and starts gnawing your heart, slowly eating it away until there's nothing left. Being alone in a crowd of happy, chattering girls is a thousand times worse than being alone in a silent house because you see what you can never have. You see the smiles, the laughter, the sparkling eyes, and you know that those won't ever be directed at you. At least with silence, you aren't reminded of what you don't have.

It was because of the wangst-fest I just provided that I asked the school psychiatrist to medicate me. After meeting me once, he prescribed a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, and a sleeping aid. The first was to take the immediate edge off, the second was to have long-term effects, and the third was needed to help my persistent insomnia (which is why I'm posting this on the early hours of the morning and can barely think of sleeping, even when I didn't fall asleep until around six in the morning last night/this morning). After that meeting, he had surgery and, due to not being able to walk, he never saw me again. Or called. The school never got another psychiatrist and had a regular MD supervise my meds. Apparently, he wasn't aware that he was the supervising doctor and only saw me once a week after I started to see how I was doing. This should give a general idea about how well I was supervised.

Apparently, I had a very strange reaction to the meds. They put me to depths of pain I didn't know I could deal with. Not only did they have weird physical side effects--I was suddenly claustrophobic, I got dizzy very often, I stopped eating for the most part, and I took six-hour naps in the middle of the day, among other things--but they had horrible mental and cognitive effects as well. It felt like my brain was a cotton ball and someone had put really, really badly made glass in front of my eyes, distorting everything I perceived (and it wreaked havoc with my APD--it practically brought the bastard back to life), and I had horrible mood swings to the point where I could have a perfectly nice conversation over lunch with some upperclassmen, walk to my dorm, and then collapse in the stairway and start crying and screaming silently, all the while praying that no one saw me. I started cutting myself while on them, and that's something I would have never done before. And they made me stop writing. Anyone who knows me knows that I cannot live without writing. When I told my parents that I had stopped writing, they told me that, even after everything that had happened, that was the one thing that told them that something was seriously wrong with me and those meds. I dealt with all that for around a month.

The doctor's reaction was to up my mood stabilizers, even when I told him that I thought that they were the main problem.

Without getting into anymore gory details, the deans of my school caught wind of this and forced me on medical leave (not even giving me so much as a night's notice), telling my parents that I was 'disturbing the community' and had to go.

Since then, I've gotten another psychiatrist who's taken me off of everything I had and has given me another antidepressant that hasn't made me slash my hand to ribbons with broken glass, so I consider it an improvement on the last one. She sees me every week and carefully monitors my dose, which is nice.

I think that the experience has made me worse, though. I hate myself so much more. I used to beat myself up and get really hard on myself because I felt like I couldn't improve without putting my nose to the grinder, but I always secretly had a special place where I recognized my accomplishments and strengths and let myself feel proud of them. I don't have that place now, and it's not about improving anymore. I honestly hate myself, and I've lost sight of what I used to think was good in me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see a good but flawed person. I see something pathetic, weak, and deserving of none of the things it has. There are people who care about me and I'm in a family and a social situation where I'll never need to be worried about my parents being able to afford my therapy and meds and tutors. My biggest complaint is being lonely, and the fact that I get so mopey over it is disgusting, especially how I always confide in people and spill my problems and general emo nature all over them. I shouldn't ask for help. People have lives outside of me, and I just leech all the attention like a little kid who's trying to show off. I should suck it up, deal with my problems, and move on.

But I can't shake the feelings. I resent my parents for trying to push me into doing all these things that 'are good for depression.' I resent them for always getting at me over schoolwork and how I feel when I haven't even processed it myself. I resent them for trying to pry my thoughts and feelings out when I don't want them to know that stuff. I resent them for caring about me when I don't, and that in and of itself is despicable. Some people would kill to have parents who doted on them like that, but I can't stand being suffocated. And having my brother saying that I'm just needy and should think about others more while I'm crying in front of him isn't helping either. I don't have the motivation to do anything, like make-up work or getting dressed in the morning. I don't have patience for anything and bite my parents' heads off over the teeniest things. I feel myself withdrawing more and more from friends and family--getting slower to post on forums, letting days go by without answering emails, not returning calls, holing up in my room with a locked door and no lights on... It feels like I'm a little dead inside, and I get so angry when people expect me to suck it up and get to feeling better, and I get so angry when my mother acts like I'll be over it by camp and everything will be sunshine and rainbows. I'm not going to be over it by camp. I'm probably not going to be over it by next school year. But I should be able to suck it up, and I really can't.

I just take solace in writing. But it feels like even that has lost its luster. Every time I go to my mom and talk to her about my newest writing project (about the only area where I'll let her in, and probably the one thing about which I still have that girlish desire for my mommy to smile and praise me for all the hours I put in it), she just frowns in what can only be revulsion and horror and asks me why I can't write happy things, and she only focuses on how I should write more happy things and that she didn't like how dark and risqué my writing was. It's like she notices nothing else: she just goes on and on about how I shouldn't think about stuff like that and how I should write more about humans and about happy human things. It shouldn't hurt so much to hear that, but it does. And it hurts a little more when she avoids the topic completely for days afterwards and never asks about what I'm working on. How silly is that--I run the poor woman into the ground with my wangst and I get upset over her not liking my stories. It's stupid and it's immature and it's pathetic.

I don't like feeling this way.

The worst part is that I almost wish I was back on those bad meds. I deserve what they did to me.

SurlySeraph
2010-05-31, 01:22 AM
It's good to be back! Well, kind of.

Last time I posted here, I was stopping going on forums entirely to try to get myself to focus entirely on my work. I'd also stopped going to martial arts classes, playing video games, sleeping regularly, doing any work for the class I most enjoyed, and trying to have a social life.

Funny how you stop wanting to do anything when you don't have anything to look forward to.

So I sank into increasingly deep apathy, started failing 2 of my 4 classes and only passing a third due to the rarity of assignments, and eventually faced a choice. Either I could take a leave of absence, which would make everything I'd done that semester not count, or I could try to pass my classes and risk failing out. And if if I failed out, I would have to take a full year off rather than just the summer, and would need to have 6 months of paid employment to have a chance to be re-admitted. In this economy, with my lack of experience, that wouldn't happen. So, like so many times in my life, I chose to give up and walk away.

Now I'm spending six hours a day five days a week volunteering at a hospital; I'm seeing a psychologist, I am now on anti-depressants, which seem to be working; and I'm exercising regularly. This is good. I'm with my aunt and uncle rather than my immediate family, which is excellent because I have spent the last five years or so wanting to get as far away from my family as possible. And I've started seeing a tutor for chemistry, one of the various things I need to know and had a worthless high school teacher for.

The problem, however, is that I'm very apathetic and lazy. I didn't do the chem problem set I have for tomorrow even though I had a week to work on it; I'll crank it out in the following hours, but going back to my college habit of working at the last minute and late at night is a very bad thing. I'm not getting nearly enough sleep because I just read pointless minutia online for hours. And yet I went weeks without checking my email, and so missed some fairly important things. I've never been so avoidant of responsibility before, and I don't want to be like this. What I need to do is sleep until I'm useful and then work my ass off while yelling at myself internally.

See, in high school I was miserable but I worked really hard and did really well. But since then, I've been apathetic. I haven't felt bad much, but I haven't cared much. The reason is probably pretty simple. I had a plan, a perfect plan for what I was going to do with the rest of my life, and then it got snatched away from me. My family insisted I take a year off, and as a result I despaired about having any control over my life, lost my work ethic, and didn't get any social contact. So I did mediocre work first semester when I actually got to college. Then I spent winter break getting lectured about how much better I could do and how hard doctors have to work and a thousand other indirect ways of saying "You're not good enough." Then second semester I did alright at first, began to sink, and in my efforts to do better tossed aside everything that motivated me to do anything.

I'm about to be twenty years old. I expected to be halfway through college right now. I could have been halfway through college now. I set my expectations on the assumption that I would be halfway through college now. But my goddamn family insisted I take a year off so I could go to the school with the more famous name, and then insisted that I had to "try harder" and "really think hard about whether this is what you want to do, because it's a lot of work" and "decide for yourself if you're going to put in the work you need to," and I started caring less and less until finally I didn't work at all.

I realize that I have to deal with the present and future, not the past; and with where I am, not with where I could have (and, damn it, should have) been. But it feels to me like I've already lost, already failed, and by doing what I was told was best for me but knew wasn't one time too many got locked into an inevitable downward spiral towards worthlessness and death. I know I'm at the start of my life, I have so much potential, there's so much I can do and I have so much time, and so on and so on. But I feel like I've already failed and am just slouching towards the grave.

arguskos
2010-05-31, 01:51 AM
Surly! Great to see you! Can I tell you a story? Would you mind terribly? Well, tough, I'm telling you anyways.

It's not a happy story, well, it has it's moments. It's a tale about a manchild (as I like to refer to the subject) much like yourself. He's 21, nearly 22, and isn't even in school or working. He failed out of college once, struggled with depression, suicide, a community college, and a terrible relationship. He lives with his mother now, trying to sort crap out and get into another community college. He's fought through what everyone else but him wanted for 21 years, and he's trying to sort out his own wants and needs right now. He's sitting here, talking to you, because in your story, he sees himself reflected in many ways.

He doesn't have any answers. He does however, know that there are moments in time now, when he's working for himself, and just saying "screw the rest of you, I want what I want, and dammit, I'm going for it" that he is happy, just for a fleeting moment. His dream is to be able to do what he wants full-time one day, and be paid for it, and that is a dream worth fighting towards, or so he thinks.

The point of this overly verbose, not very clever, tale is that you seem to have been working for what OTHERS want this whole time. Screw them, they're not you. They don't live your life. As Bor is so fond of saying (and I'm paraphrasing for effect here), "they don't KNOW how you're feeling, since they don't live their life as you." You want something? Go and get it, fight for it, strive to attain it. Every great man I've ever known did something HE wanted. He didn't do it for a school, or for his mother, or for his womanfolk, he did it for HIM.

From what I've managed to glean from you, you have the potential to be a great man too, but you need to strive for what Surly wants, not what Surly's mother wants. It's not super inspirational, but, it works alright for me*. Probably would work alright for you too.

*: For given values of "me" and with the caveat that you stop reading this and go do something that makes Surly happy. Shoo! Shoo I say! :smallwink:

Pyrian
2010-05-31, 01:58 AM
Depression is really a pain in the ass.I'd write sweet things on your door. :smallfrown:

arguskos
2010-05-31, 01:59 AM
I'd write sweet things on your door. :smallfrown:
That's because you're a good man (if a bit creepy at times, gotta admit). :smallwink:

SharpWolf
2010-05-31, 02:41 AM
Depression is really a pain in the ass.

My whole life, I've been dancing on the edge of clinical depression (and I really mean my whole life: I've felt unusually blank and sad since as long as I can remember). I think I've always been on the shallow end of it and I've been asking for medical intervention for years, but now I think I've gone a little too deep.

I go to a boarding school. I was having a very rough time because I'm socially inept and the kids weren't particularly interested in talking to me. Whenever I tried to engage in conversation, I said something stupid or got awkward and beat myself up over it afterwards, so I just holed up in my room and got lonelier and lonelier. It's easy to ignore loneliness at home. There are fewer reminders. The house is usually very quiet, as my brother's always out with friends, my mother's always out for work-related functions, and my dad's often out of the state or even out of the country for work. When it's completely silent save for the TV you put on to drown it out and the quiet pants of your dog lying next to you, it's easy to ignore. It's when you hear the cheerful laughter and conversation just outside your door, or when you feel the shakes in the floor as feet thump by, or you see the cute messages girls write on each other's doors while yours stays woefully blank... that's when you can't ignore it. That's when the silence get's so loud that you can hear your own heartbeat in your ears. That's when the loneliness and sadness wakes up from its dull, achy slumber and starts gnawing your heart, slowly eating it away until there's nothing left. Being alone in a crowd of happy, chattering girls is a thousand times worse than being alone in a silent house because you see what you can never have. You see the smiles, the laughter, the sparkling eyes, and you know that those won't ever be directed at you. At least with silence, you aren't reminded of what you don't have.

It was because of the wangst-fest I just provided that I asked the school psychiatrist to medicate me. After meeting me once, he prescribed a mood stabilizer, an antidepressant, and a sleeping aid. The first was to take the immediate edge off, the second was to have long-term effects, and the third was needed to help my persistent insomnia (which is why I'm posting this on the early hours of the morning and can barely think of sleeping, even when I didn't fall asleep until around six in the morning last night/this morning). After that meeting, he had surgery and, due to not being able to walk, he never saw me again. Or called. The school never got another psychiatrist and had a regular MD supervise my meds. Apparently, he wasn't aware that he was the supervising doctor and only saw me once a week after I started to see how I was doing. This should give a general idea about how well I was supervised.

Apparently, I had a very strange reaction to the meds. They put me to depths of pain I didn't know I could deal with. Not only did they have weird physical side effects--I was suddenly claustrophobic, I got dizzy very often, I stopped eating for the most part, and I took six-hour naps in the middle of the day, among other things--but they had horrible mental and cognitive effects as well. It felt like my brain was a cotton ball and someone had put really, really badly made glass in front of my eyes, distorting everything I perceived (and it wreaked havoc with my APD--it practically brought the bastard back to life), and I had horrible mood swings to the point where I could have a perfectly nice conversation over lunch with some upperclassmen, walk to my dorm, and then collapse in the stairway and start crying and screaming silently, all the while praying that no one saw me. I started cutting myself while on them, and that's something I would have never done before. And they made me stop writing. Anyone who knows me knows that I cannot live without writing. When I told my parents that I had stopped writing, they told me that, even after everything that had happened, that was the one thing that told them that something was seriously wrong with me and those meds. I dealt with all that for around a month.

The doctor's reaction was to up my mood stabilizers, even when I told him that I thought that they were the main problem.

Without getting into anymore gory details, the deans of my school caught wind of this and forced me on medical leave (not even giving me so much as a night's notice), telling my parents that I was 'disturbing the community' and had to go.

Since then, I've gotten another psychiatrist who's taken me off of everything I had and has given me another antidepressant that hasn't made me slash my hand to ribbons with broken glass, so I consider it an improvement on the last one. She sees me every week and carefully monitors my dose, which is nice.

I think that the experience has made me worse, though. I hate myself so much more. I used to beat myself up and get really hard on myself because I felt like I couldn't improve without putting my nose to the grinder, but I always secretly had a special place where I recognized my accomplishments and strengths and let myself feel proud of them. I don't have that place now, and it's not about improving anymore. I honestly hate myself, and I've lost sight of what I used to think was good in me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see a good but flawed person. I see something pathetic, weak, and deserving of none of the things it has. There are people who care about me and I'm in a family and a social situation where I'll never need to be worried about my parents being able to afford my therapy and meds and tutors. My biggest complaint is being lonely, and the fact that I get so mopey over it is disgusting, especially how I always confide in people and spill my problems and general emo nature all over them. I shouldn't ask for help. People have lives outside of me, and I just leech all the attention like a little kid who's trying to show off. I should suck it up, deal with my problems, and move on.

But I can't shake the feelings. I resent my parents for trying to push me into doing all these things that 'are good for depression.' I resent them for always getting at me over schoolwork and how I feel when I haven't even processed it myself. I resent them for trying to pry my thoughts and feelings out when I don't want them to know that stuff. I resent them for caring about me when I don't, and that in and of itself is despicable. Some people would kill to have parents who doted on them like that, but I can't stand being suffocated. And having my brother saying that I'm just needy and should think about others more while I'm crying in front of him isn't helping either. I don't have the motivation to do anything, like make-up work or getting dressed in the morning. I don't have patience for anything and bite my parents' heads off over the teeniest things. I feel myself withdrawing more and more from friends and family--getting slower to post on forums, letting days go by without answering emails, not returning calls, holing up in my room with a locked door and no lights on... It feels like I'm a little dead inside, and I get so angry when people expect me to suck it up and get to feeling better, and I get so angry when my mother acts like I'll be over it by camp and everything will be sunshine and rainbows. I'm not going to be over it by camp. I'm probably not going to be over it by next school year. But I should be able to suck it up, and I really can't.

I just take solace in writing. But it feels like even that has lost its luster. Every time I go to my mom and talk to her about my newest writing project (about the only area where I'll let her in, and probably the one thing about which I still have that girlish desire for my mommy to smile and praise me for all the hours I put in it), she just frowns in what can only be revulsion and horror and asks me why I can't write happy things, and she only focuses on how I should write more happy things and that she didn't like how dark and risqué my writing was. It's like she notices nothing else: she just goes on and on about how I shouldn't think about stuff like that and how I should write more about humans and about happy human things. It shouldn't hurt so much to hear that, but it does. And it hurts a little more when she avoids the topic completely for days afterwards and never asks about what I'm working on. How silly is that--I run the poor woman into the ground with my wangst and I get upset over her not liking my stories. It's stupid and it's immature and it's pathetic.

I don't like feeling this way.

The worst part is that I almost wish I was back on those bad meds. I deserve what they did to me.

Having lived with depression and crushing loneliness for many years of my life -- and being currently healing (slowly but surely), I can relate with you on that.


My biggest complaint is being lonely, and the fact that I get so mopey over it is disgusting, especially how I always confide in people and spill my problems and general emo nature all over them. I shouldn't ask for help. People have lives outside of me, and I just leech all the attention like a little kid who's trying to show off. I should suck it up, deal with my problems, and move on.

First things first: the bolded part is a common misconception held by some people that depression being "all in your head", you can "suck it up" and it will just "go away". That is wrong. There is no switch to shut down these feelings. Also, there is a difference between leeching off other people and honestly asking for help. What you've written here belongs to the second category, and it is actually the right thing to do. Depression has the effect of wearing down a person's mental defenses -- which is akin to scratching skin until it's raw. It is entirely normal for you to feel triggered by the smallest of things, just like touching a raw wound hurts like hell.

So you're seeing a psychiatrist, that is good. I would encourage you to keep building yourself a support network. Now, talking and seeking help by itself might not be enough, but it's a start -- the first step, just not the last one. Because, you know what? In my humble experience, what hurts the most is not being able to get how you feel out there. To feel like crying or yelling at the whole world, and feeling like you have to keep it all bottled up inside. To feel like it's a choice between destroying one's emotions, or letting all hell loose, and in the end feeling like you're not yourself at all anymore. When you can start working on that, chances are you'll start feeling better, and from there it will get easier.


I deserve what they did to me.

No you don't. You do not deserve to feel miserable about yourself or your life, nor to hate yourself. What you do deserve is to live a happy, fulfilling life, surrounded by people who loves you and whom you love. You are not weak. You are not disgusting for being sad and angry. You have come here, to vent or to ask for advice. This was the right thing to do, and you can be proud of yourself for being able to come this far, even when it all seems so hard. So whatever you do, don't give up, and keep going. Consider this post you've written here as another step to healing. Draw strength from that, and from the support you can get from the nice people here who have created this thread just for that (it's alright, people here like helping each others, so by letting them help you you're actually making them happy :smallwink:), then start thinking about your next step. You're worth it.

As closing words, I'll quote Firefly: "When you can't run, you crawl, and when you can't crawl - when you can't do that... You find someone to carry you." To recognize that one sometimes need help doesn't diminish them in any way, it simply makes them human.

Hugs to everyone. :smallsmile:

Jacklu
2010-05-31, 04:28 AM
Feeling a bit better... going to take advantage of it and get to work getting help. Thanks all for the advice and support there... It was not a fun ride and I'm going to do whatever I can to try and prevent having to do it again.

Zanaril
2010-05-31, 05:16 AM
Depression is really a pain in the ass.
QFT.

Being alone in a crowd of happy, chattering girls is a thousand times worse than being alone in a silent house because you see what you can never have. You see the smiles, the laughter, the sparkling eyes, and you know that those won't ever be directed at you. At least with silence, you aren't reminded of what you don't have.
I know the feeling. It's hard for other people to understand; they say, if you want to be a part of it, why don't you just join in? For people who make friends with ease, it seems incomprehensible not to be able to do so. I've had friends - or rather have been a part of one of those groups of friends - and to be honest it didn't make be any happier. I was awkward, and I still felt l still felt like an outsider. I found myself doing things, stupid things, which I'd never think of doing on my own, and for whatever reason - wanting to fit in, maybe simply just letting others think for me - it's made me a worse person. I can't say this is the same for everyone, but every group of friends I've been a part of has ended up like that.

Of course, that doesn't make the grass look any less greener. All I'm saying is that just because they look happy, doesn't mean you'd be happy in that situation. It's not your fault that you wouldn't fit in- I only know you over the internet, but from what I can tell you're a likeable, friendly person - but hopefully it means that what friends you do make will be better friends than that.


How silly is that--I run the poor woman into the ground with my wangst and I get upset over her not liking my stories. It's stupid and it's immature and it's pathetic.
Don't feel bad. You're a good writer, and that's important to you, and it's normal for you to want to tell people about what your doing. It's just that you and your mom have different interests. It happens.


The worst part is that I almost wish I was back on those bad meds. I deserve what they did to me.
No you don't.

Quincunx
2010-05-31, 05:17 AM
So long as you're sucking some of it up, that'll produce goodwill in others to help you carry the rest of the load. The people who ask you to suck it up aren't totally in the wrong either, and telling them they are is you being just as ignorant as is the request for you to totally carry the load yourself.


That's because you're a good man (if a bit creepy at times, gotta admit). :smallwink:

You see creepy; I see a good excuse to leap into his arms, snap out some witty repartee, and be carried off to the boudoir. (What are you talking about, it's perfectly within trope. . .alright, then, just imagine I have some class and poise, this trope is based off of self-aware artifice. . .why do we not have an eye-rolling smiley. . .)

Teddy
2010-05-31, 09:22 AM
But if I can - and yet don't - I feel like I'm attention seeking. It is attention seeking. If I'm upset and moody, all it does is create needless problems for my family, and if I'm willing to do that I don't deserve their sympathy.

If I understand it right, you're not functioning correctly due to your depression. So, if I may ask, what problem is worse: a family member who isn't functioning properly because of an unknown depression, or a known depression which you know you have to work with? (I'm sorry for the poor phrasing of that one.)

The first problem is a family member who'll gradually lose all drive, ambition, happiness, will to live... This will continue untill a miracle occures, or said family member commits suicide.

The second problem is a known problem - an obvious one - which might make it seem bigger, but it's actually much better. Without any knowledge of the depression, no one will be able to actively try to help you out of it. This is the only way to make things better, even if it might take a long time to get out of it.

The moral is, as ever, don't hide your problems. Before the day when the problem is no more, any hiding will just halt the process. Don't pretend to be fine when you aren't, because then the depression will only be left to grow again.


I'm not good at talking to people. I have tried, and the conversation twists around to the point where everything's my fault, where since I can't tangibly explain the problem, it can be reasoned away.

Is this because you twist it around, because you're unable to explain it, or because you've only talked to morons people who don't understand you and your feelings?

If it's the first or the second case, perhaps it's easier to write it down and explain it in text instead. That way, it's easier to avoid getting stuck without the right words, or in someone elses misinterpretion of your own problems.

If it's the last case, find someone who understand others' emotions better, preferably a professional.


There's no point anyway; if they say "You seem a lot better now." and reply with "Well, actually, I'm not. Really." it makes it look as though I want there to be a problem, as though I'm using it as an excuse for everything else.

No.

Nonono.

It certainly doesn't make it look like you want there to be a problem, but the best way to avoid it is to not make it look like you got a lot better, if you didn't. It's important that both you and the people around you know that no one ever snaps out of a depression in a heartbeat. I the same way as you can't demand that someone who injured his/her knee goes out and play football the day after he injured it, you can't demand that someone with a depression starts functioning normally as soon as he/she start with drugs and therapy. This needs time to heal, and it's important that everyone give you that time, including yourself.


They keep telling me that a lot of teenagers go through this, that a lot of teenagers are lonely; what they're actually saying is: you're exaggerating, your life is no worse than anyone else's, all we need to do is make you understand that so you'll snap out of this. You'll see.

It seems to me as if you've missunderstood everything. People around you tries to comfort you with the knowledge that you're not alone with your feelings, not insult you. It can be hard to comfort someone - it's especially hard to not sound blaming or insulting when the other person is sad - so you shouldn't believe everyone is out to get you. It's really depressing when someone refuses your comfortment, that something I know from experience.

Good luck!
*bearhugs*

SharpWolf
2010-05-31, 09:34 AM
So long as you're sucking some of it up, that'll produce goodwill in others to help you carry the rest of the load. The people who ask you to suck it up aren't totally in the wrong either, and telling them they are is you being just as ignorant as is the request for you to totally carry the load yourself.

Technically, you're right, but it's the wording I really don't like. "Suck it up" is one of the most frustrating and useless piece of "advice" you can give to someone who's in depression. It's not helpful at all and I've always thought it's a pretty mean thing to say. You don't "suck up" depression. You "do your best, be patient, and work toward recovery". See? I've said the same thing, but in a much better way. At least it doesn't sound like "shut up, you crybaby".

When you're depressed and looking for someone to actually care, every bit counts.

Pyrian
2010-05-31, 11:23 AM
You see creepy; I see a good excuse to leap into his arms, snap out some witty repartee, and be carried off to the boudoir.D'aww! :smallcool: I thoroughly appreciate the sentiment, but aren't you married? :smallamused:

Quincunx
2010-05-31, 11:28 AM
That would be the reason I don't act upon it, yes. Gotta be an honest woman now. :smallcool:

Water-Smurf
2010-05-31, 12:59 PM
I'd write sweet things on your door. :smallfrown:

That touches me more than it should. Thanks.


But if I can - and yet don't - I feel like I'm attention seeking. It is attention seeking. If I'm upset and moody, all it does is create needless problems for my family, and if I'm willing to do that I don't deserve their sympathy.

When I said the same thing about myself, you and everyone else told me that that wasn't right. If you're upset or hurt, it's not wrong to let them out, even when you think it is. You need to let them out. And your family, even when they don't want to admit it, have an obligation of love to try to help you through the hard times, even when you feel selfish by letting your feelings out. You're in pain, and if they love you, your parents will want to fix that.

You want a Smurf hug? :)


I'm not good at talking to people. I have tried, and the conversation twists around to the point where everything's my fault, where since I can't tangibly explain the problem, it can be reasoned away.

There's no point anyway; if they say "You seem a lot better now." and reply with "Well, actually, I'm not. Really." it makes it look as though I want there to be a problem, as though I'm using it as an excuse for everything else. They keep telling me that a lot of teenagers go through this, that a lot of teenagers are lonely; what they're actually saying is: you're exaggerating, your life is no worse than anyone else's, all we need to do is make you understand that so you'll snap out of this. You'll see.

That's been happening to me for years. People think that just because they can't see it means that it doesn't exist and you're just being melodramatic, and in the end, they won't listen to otherwise, no matter how articulate or persuasive you are. That's just what they want to believe. You need to show them that there's a problem by letting your emotions out or they won't try to help. Don't suffer silently, because it'll only get worse and you're a good person and don't deserve it. Trust me. I've been there. (And yes, I'm a total hypocrite. :smalltongue: But you should still listen to me.)

Now regardless of whether you want them or not, you're getting a Smurf hug. *bear hugs*


I know the feeling. It's hard for other people to understand; they say, if you want to be a part of it, why don't you just join in? For people who make friends with ease, it seems incomprehensible not to be able to do so. I've had friends - or rather have been a part of one of those groups of friends - and to be honest it didn't make be any happier.

I've been a part of groups before. Luckily, they were always good groups who were made of nice and open people, but it was still so lonely to be there. The difficulty with groups, I've found, is that I'm never so close to someone that they ask about it when I seem down, and that's one little thing I really needed at the time. I'd prefer to have one person who I'm connected at the hip to than an entire group of people who smile and wave on their way to class who don't notice when I'm spiraling.


Don't feel bad. You're a good writer, and that's important to you, and it's normal for you to want to tell people about what your doing. It's just that you and your mom have different interests. It happens.

I guess I'm not even asking her to be interested in that sort of thing. I just wish she supported me in what I'm passionate about (but I guess that she, as someone who's not into writing, doesn't understand that the subject matter is just as much a part of the need to write as the actual need to write).


No you don't.

I wish I always believed that.


Having lived with depression and crushing loneliness for many years of my life -- and being currently healing (slowly but surely), I can relate with you on that.

I hope that you'll be better soon. Good luck.

And the worst part is that I agree with all of that. I'd dispense that advice to anyone who had said what I said. But I just can't believe that it applies to me, and I fall into every single hole and misconception in the book, even when I know better. I know that depression is a medical problem that has physical and mental effects because your brain chemistry is out of whack, but I feel like I should be able to suck it up. It's silly, but it's true.

arguskos
2010-05-31, 02:43 PM
Water-Smurf, I sent you an email last night. I do hope you got it, and didn't dismiss it as some crazy guy. /random (should have let ya know last night, but I was dead tired)

Teddy
2010-05-31, 02:48 PM
And the worst part is that I agree with all of that. I'd dispense that advice to anyone who had said what I said. But I just can't believe that it applies to me, and I fall into every single hole and misconception in the book, even when I know better. I know that depression is a medical problem that has physical and mental effects because your brain chemistry is out of whack, but I feel like I should be able to suck it up. It's silly, but it's true.

A similar effect is common among bullying victims, and so I've got some experience with it. It's hard, really hard. It's probably the most destructve of all feelings associated with bullying or, as in this case, depression.

I don't know if I've got any useful advice on overcoming this. I managed to do so a few times, but I can't remember what made me do so (I'm pretty initiativeless and lazy - to get of my ass and do something I like can be pretty hard fot me). Perhaps it was me seizing the moment and doing it without thinking it through, I frankly don't know, but that might have been how I did it.

I hope there's at least some truth within this pretty unhelpful rant. :smallwink:

Good luck!
*bearhugs*

ZombieRockStar
2010-05-31, 04:35 PM
Humans that are just humans don't have people who kind of wouldn't mind them dead...

I really am that bad.

I think you underestimate the ability of humans to be extraordinarily petty to each other.

Okay, you obviously don't want to say what you did to supposedly earn these other persons' hatred, and I can understand that. Maybe it was that bad. My point was that there's always something you can do to make up for it and that's what's important.


Oh good! I'm glad he wasn't just left to his own devices after the stay. I knew that sounded off that a hospital would do that. So what about the timeline for living near each other again?

Provided he does well enough at home, he'll be able to visit for Pride week (1st week of July) and then hopefully be back to start school again in September. I guess having something to look forward to is nice, but...

The thing is...I'm feeling emotionally drained from having to be nothing but support. I spend entire e-mails reminding him that his (well...to be precise, the Eating Disorder's) definition of "too fat" is different from the rest of the world's and that neither I nor anyone else will hate him if he becomes "too fat."

I feel really selfish for saying this, but it's a problem when I can only give support and not get any 'cause he's got his problems. Wouldn't be so bad, but like I said, the main problem right now is that I have no RL support network, so I'm just a huge ball of stresses right now and they're taking a huge toll on me.

And I feel selfish for saying that, like it's all "me, me, me!" And then I feel bad 'cause I feel selfish...and we just go back into the cycle of guilt again. Ugh.

I'm feeling a bit better since posting here, though. Thanks...I'd kinda forgotten how much I loved you guys.

SharpWolf
2010-05-31, 06:01 PM
I hope that you'll be better soon. Good luck.

Thanks. Things are indeed getting better and, while it's not always fun and happy sunshine, I've recovered in the last year my faith in life and in myself -- which is infinitely better than how I was before.


And the worst part is that I agree with all of that. I'd dispense that advice to anyone who had said what I said. But I just can't believe that it applies to me, and I fall into every single hole and misconception in the book, even when I know better. I know that depression is a medical problem that has physical and mental effects because your brain chemistry is out of whack, but I feel like I should be able to suck it up. It's silly, but it's true.

That is indeed something I can understand, and that is why I would encourage you to get out of your shell and spend time having fun outside of your house. I'm going to tell you a bit about my own story and hope it will help you find a solution:

You see, when I broke up with my girlfriend last year, I was already depressed beyond imagination. I was cutting myself and feeling like I wanted to scream at everyone for the smallest of things. I was ready to blow up, and it wasn't going to be pretty, no, I was about to go nuclear-style. And then it went all to hell when I realised the relationship with the girl whom I loved so much was crash-and-burning horribly. I'm not sure if I've ever felt so bad in my life.

So what did I do? I put a sticker on my computer telling me: "Note to myself: call a friend." You see, I'm a programmer. I spend more than half of my life in front my computer. I just couldn't ignore the damn sticker forever. :smalltongue:

And it worked. For the next three months after the break-up, almost every single day there was someone with me, friends or family, it didn't matter. Sometimes they came to my appartment, sometimes I went and visited them, it didn't matter. In the day, in the evening, or the whole night, it didn't matter either. Truth be told, I didn't really believe this was going to do anything. It was just an idea I had that, hey, that or something else, might as well give it a shot. That, and the sticker was there for one thing: to annoy myself so much that I just wouldn't be able to forget to call someone when I needed to. I made myself angry: ":smallyuk: See, I called someone and we're going to spend the night together, happy now? Now stop bothering me!" :smallwink:

So I spent time with people whom I loved and who loved me too. And it wasn't just to talk with them about how bad I felt -- it was to help me feel good too. I realised how much I missed just spending time with my friends, playing games and watching movies and talking about small things. And how much my brothers and my sister were great people, full of interesting ideas and projects, and we talked for hours about our dreams, and how we could accomplish them.

Sometimes, when the time was right, I let some of the emotion out. I cried. I screamed. I felt pain in confusion. But I also cleaned up my life. I let go of false friends who weren't there when I most needed them. I convinced someone to start taking karate lessons with me, to force me to go and get some exercise "Come on, you're the one who convinced me to go!" made me feel responsible for getting out of my bed and getting the physical exercise I so sorely needed. :smalltongue: And more and more, I started focusing on the things that truly mattered to me and that could make me happy. And here I am at last, 18 months after I've put this stupid sticker on my computer, and I'm starting to think about starting my own business, I have healthy relationships with healthy people, and things are indeed getting better.

So you see, I think I can understand very well how you feel. Chances are it's pretty much how I felt a year and a half ago, and that you're not even sure if it's worth it to try anymore. So if there is one thing I would suggest it's this: find a way to force yourself to spend time outside your home, not just alone, regularly. That's the best cure for loneliness, in my experience. Spend time with your friends and family. If you feel drained by them, then seek new friends. Try new activities, maybe a non-competitive sport? Or maybe you could join something like a writers circle (not sure how it's called in English), share what you write and talk about it, and discover what others are writing too? Or maybe simply have a good time (repeatedly :smallwink:), watching movies, talking about life, playing games, whatever it is you like? It won't always work, and sometimes you'll need to just spend some time by yourself, and sometimes maybe you'll find it can be a bit tiring to spend a part of your life with others. But in time, trust me, with the right people and with the right support, you will be able to think about better things, and things will indeed start getting better.

I wish you luck and, most of all, courage.

Zeb The Troll
2010-06-01, 12:46 AM
Provided he does well enough at home, he'll be able to visit for Pride week (1st week of July) and then hopefully be back to start school again in September. I guess having something to look forward to is nice, but...

The thing is...I'm feeling emotionally drained from having to be nothing but support. I spend entire e-mails reminding him that his (well...to be precise, the Eating Disorder's) definition of "too fat" is different from the rest of the world's and that neither I nor anyone else will hate him if he becomes "too fat."

I feel really selfish for saying this, but it's a problem when I can only give support and not get any 'cause he's got his problems. Wouldn't be so bad, but like I said, the main problem right now is that I have no RL support network, so I'm just a huge ball of stresses right now and they're taking a huge toll on me.

And I feel selfish for saying that, like it's all "me, me, me!" And then I feel bad 'cause I feel selfish...and we just go back into the cycle of guilt again. Ugh.

I'm feeling a bit better since posting here, though. Thanks...I'd kinda forgotten how much I loved you guys.I'm afraid that there's not much more I can offer you here. Like I said before, you've pretty much given yourself the advice I'd want to give you anyway. I realize that this doesn't help as much as we'd all like it to help, though.

I will add this, though. You don't sound selfish from my viewpoint. I don't hear "me, me, me". I hear "can I have just a little "me" please?" and that's a totally reasonable and human way to be feeling in your circumstances.

Actually, there is something I'd like to add, but I don't know if it's good advice or not. Opinions on this are welcome.

Have you tried letting your guy know about some of the things you're feeling? I'm not saying that you should tell him that supporting him can be draining at times, but maybe fill him in on the fact that you're having bouts of feeling worthless and unlikeable, and maybe tell him the factory story or something. The point being to give him an opportunity to be supportive for you, too. I don't think it has to be a one way street.

Serpentine
2010-06-01, 12:56 AM
Also: If you don't look after yourself, how will you be able to look after him? There's a reason there's groups for the support of carers and loved-ones of the disabled and dying, as well as for the disabled and dying themselves - a severe problem doesn't just affect those who have it.

ZombieRockStar
2010-06-01, 10:22 PM
When I met his psychiatrist, she actually mentioned the possibility of attending a support group for people who have friends/relatives/etc. with EDs. I dunno...those kind of things seem too formal an atmosphere for me to, you know, deal with stress.

Yeah, I know it shouldn't be a one-way street and it's kind of my own fault for keeping the stress inside and letting it build up. Part of it is that I really don't want to make him feel guilty for his problems ("it's my fault for making you unhappy"), 'cause that risks just fueling the ED.

~

A question for those who know a lot about the psychology of clinical depression: I know my guy's dealing with an eating disorder, but from observation I've notice a lot of similarities between the two. So, I'm wondering: how useful do you think personifying the neurosis as an external entity is, really? Like, giving it a name and all so you can say "it's not me telling myself that I'm worthless/too fat, but the depression/eating disorder." It's one of the standard practices of ED therapy (see Life Without Ed and probably a ton of other books on the subject), but do you think it's a useful psychological practice or more like a therapeutic placebo and ignores the real issue that it is you telling yourself these things?

Quincunx
2010-06-02, 01:32 AM
Yes, that's a therapy explicitly designed to make the uncontrollable behavior not-you, so saying it's ignoring the real issue when carrying out its main function isn't accurate. (Personally and without a textbook to justify it, I do believe that our psyches are designed to shatter under stress in just that manner. It takes a ferocious lot of ego to take credit for everything that you've done for good or for ill. Much easier to break it/yourself up into manageable chunks despite the collateral damage.) Yes, for its beginning it follows the same destructive path as justifying (for example) abuse on the drunkenness instead of on the person doing the abuse; however, the therapy goes further and rejects the fragmented, bad behavior, where the excuse would stonewall.

arguskos
2010-06-02, 11:07 AM
Concerning my reason for posting here today... it's the nightmares again.

I see her face in front of my eyes when I dream, I remember the kisses, the embraces, the tender moments, the tears, the sound of a broken heart. I remember all the things I did wrong and never apologized for or made right, and all the things she did for me that I never said thank you for. Guilt is eating at me, and it's ugly. I deserve it for how I acted, there's no denying that, but I wish it'd go away now. Selfish desire perhaps, and it's not going to happen, but a man has to have dreams, right?

I haven't seen her face in 6 months. I've not spoken to her in 4-5 months. I want nothing more in this life than to either forget she ever meant anything to me or to be with her again, to make it all right. Neither is possible, and I hate myself for both (the former is cowardice, the latter is pathetic).

This is not contributing well to my state of mind, precarious at the best of times, and god awful at the moment.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-06-03, 07:47 PM
I just wanted to drop in and let you all know that my ability to concentrate is dwindling. Upcoming surgery on a limb I use fairly often is turning me into a bundle of nerves. To exemplify how well my mind is working, I went to save a draft of my blog post today...and published it instead. Oh, I went back and fixed it, but it was still a rather irritating goof.

So...yeah. I'm not feeling terribly helpful at the moment. This makes me feel a bit guilty, as I want to help. Then again, feeling all of the aforementioned feelings just confirms that which I've suspected for some time. I'M HUMAN! (Test results to confirm this are pending.) :smallwink:

With all of that said, I'd like you all to continue to play nice with one another, as well as keep helping one another. And, of course, that you all do your best to BE WELL! :smallsmile:

DarthArminius
2010-06-03, 07:48 PM
God Bless You Rob. Just have a great life. Don't bother thinking if it hurts! lol:smalltongue:

arguskos
2010-06-07, 05:24 PM
Feeling very very ignored today. Had a crappy day: was bitched out by Mom, possible romantic prospect fell through, being ignored by every friend I have, had to fight through endless amounts of bureaucratic bull**** just to register for freaking classes (and found out all of my preferred choices were taken already, and they didn't bother updating their system to let me know till I went and asked face to face what the deal was), and generally feeling invisible.

This isn't bad though, not really. Invisibility serves me well. Always has. It's amazing what you can learn when no one is watching or caring about you. You learn what people really are like, you notice all the little lies we tell one another, and the large lies too. Of course, I'm hardly guilt-free here, but what does it matter? No one looks anyways, no one ever checks, so it doesn't matter at all. God, I love and hate invisibility.

The Succubus
2010-06-07, 05:55 PM
<chomp>

An excellent post, sir - pretty much how I got over my problems in the past. Is the sticker still there on your computer?

cycoris
2010-06-07, 07:57 PM
Argus: Are you registering for summer of fall quarter? Or are you on a semester/trimester schedule? Because I know that lots of people drop classes before the fall, so even if you're waitlisted or don't get in to the classes you wanted now, by the time semester/quarter/whatever starts, there may be more spots open. Other than that, *HUUUUUUGS*.

As for meself:
Finally talked to foster-mum about the possibility of counselling even though my insurance won't cover it, thanks to a kick in the seat of the pants from a friend.

School's out, which is good in that I'll have time to do stuff I enjoy, but bad because I won't have a very compelling reason to get up a lot of the time.

Also have to spend August with my biological mother, who I don't get along with at all. And this is probably going to be exacerbated by the fact that she's going to be in perfectionist-controlling-bossy mode, as she's helping plan my cousin's wedding. I may need help hiding a body...

arguskos
2010-06-07, 08:00 PM
Argus: Are you registering for summer of fall quarter? Or are you on a semester/trimester schedule? Because I know that lots of people drop classes before the fall, so even if you're waitlisted or don't get in to the classes you wanted now, by the time semester/quarter/whatever starts, there may be more spots open. Other than that, *HUUUUUUGS*.
Summer. Quarters. Not gonna happen, btws. Already registered, cannot unregister without paying, then dropping, then paying for more classes. :smallsigh:


As for meself:
Finally talked to foster-mum about the possibility of counselling even though my insurance won't cover it, thanks to a kick in the seat of the pants from a friend.

School's out, which is good in that I'll have time to do stuff I enjoy, but bad because I won't have a very compelling reason to get up a lot of the time.

Also have to spend August with my biological mother, who I don't get along with at all. And this is probably going to be exacerbated by the fact that she's going to be in perfectionist-controlling-bossy mode, as she's helping plan my cousin's wedding. I may need help hiding a body...
Concerning the last sentence... you know how to reach me. :smallamused:

Paragraph 1: good, good, get on that you!

P2: Yay no school yay.

P3: Ugh, failure. You'll have interwebs there, yes? If so, that means you'll have the ability to reach me and folks like me and bitch. :smallwink:

cycoris
2010-06-07, 08:08 PM
Summer. Quarters. Not gonna happen, btws. Already registered, cannot unregister without paying, then dropping, then paying for more classes. :smallsigh:

What madness is this?! We're allowed to drop classes up until the third or fourth week at no cost, which is when registration and stuff is finalised and bills are due and all that, so you can change your mind about classes and the like without incurring a fee. And get into classes that you're waitlisted for.

...This is totally proof that you should ditch Ohio and come here. :smalltongue:

smellie_hippie
2010-06-07, 08:16 PM
Just stopping by to share some of my most recent misery. My daughter's baby kitten just died... while my daughter is away on vacation. Had to break the news over the phone, so she wouldn't come home expectant.

:smallsigh:

Really sucks...

Thought about adding more, but nope... that about sums it up. Going to bed in the hopes that tomorrow will suck a little less. :smallsigh:

arguskos
2010-06-07, 09:10 PM
What madness is this?! We're allowed to drop classes up until the third or fourth week at no cost, which is when registration and stuff is finalised and bills are due and all that, so you can change your mind about classes and the like without incurring a fee. And get into classes that you're waitlisted for.
It happens. Life it stupid, colleges doubly so. :smallsigh:


...This is totally proof that you should ditch Ohio and come here. :smalltongue:
If only I could, I would probably take you up on that suggestion. Sadly, I'm stuck here, unhappy, trapped with my own thoughts and memories and nothing more.

In other news, I feel like crying, but it wouldn't help, it would just shame me further. Course shame never stopped me from doing stupid things before. Yes, shame, the great equalizer, it hammers those who need it least, and missing those who need it most. Life, she's amusing like that. I am uncontrollably poetic at this precise moment, wonder why. Let's call it morbid creativity and leave it where it lies in the dust, yes? :smallfrown:

The Extinguisher
2010-06-08, 02:39 AM
Where exactly does one go when they want to figure out what's wrong with them. I see people saying they've been diagnosed with disorder X and condition Y, but I'm not sure how that actually happens. Because I'd really like to know what's wrong with me, or if there isn't and I'm just being irrational and stupid (which is probably the more likely choice)

I've been having bad problems with my self-esteem lately. I can't bring myself to think that anything I do is important or good. More feelings of paranoia and that no one actually likes me, they're just pretending and laughing behind my back. And I keep coming back to the thought that I don't deserve to be living my life. That someone else would have had a better run through and not done the same things I have. That someone else would be better at being me then I am. Maybe me just being here is keeping someone who could do so much good in the world from being here.

I'm feeling so alone right now. Alone and unimportant. I'm just one big bag of mess aren't I? I've got too many problems to do anything about.

Lillith
2010-06-08, 04:26 AM
@ Extinguisher: See a therapist, ask for a mental diagnosis or something I'm guessing. Usually they should be able to give you some sort of interview/series of tests to see if you have 'something'. They should be able to diagnose a lot. That varies from major depression till Borderline Disorder.

Zeb The Troll
2010-06-08, 05:56 AM
Just stopping by to share some of my most recent misery. My daughter's baby kitten just died...ewww, that sucks enough all by itself without


while my daughter is away on vacation. Had to break the news over the phone, so she wouldn't come home expectant.*commisserates* Not much else to do, really.

KoboldRevenge
2010-06-09, 11:08 PM
People i know are dumb

Viera Champion
2010-06-09, 11:28 PM
@The Extinguisher- You do deserve to live your life, and you better believe it. Sure, if someone else lived your life they would live it differently, and chances are they wouldn't make the mistakes you did. But that doesn't mean they won't make mistakes. No one can live your life better than you. And if things end up bad it's not your fault. Most people wouldn't be able to have gone through it any better than you. You just have to keep on trying.

Also, there will be people who laugh at you behind your back. But not only is that a very minute amount of people, those are also the people who are so insecure about their crappy self images that they have to laugh at people who are much better than they are, so you have nothing to worry about.

Also, your existing very wellcould be preventing someone from doing something good. But the same could be said for the other 5,999,999,999 people living on our earth. And who knows your existence could also be the only thing preventing the rise of another evil person like Hitler. So far all you know, you could be saving our world.

mrpitchfork
2010-06-10, 02:04 AM
How to fix self-esteem issues: ask some folks you like alot or respect alot what you do that's good or useful. A good temporary fix at least. If that still doesn't work, then just do spectacular things all the time. Like having toast and tea and then making a painting/sculpture hybrid about your feelings towards bad music.

Don't know how to fix loneliness if you're actually physically alone. Not being alone tends to help. Introduce the idea of platonic cuddling to your friends, it leads to closeness and bonding. Humans like to be in physical contact with each other.

KoboldRevenge
2010-06-10, 06:32 PM
I think that saying what your problem is aint productive there should be a thread for saying what to be happy about.

arguskos
2010-06-10, 06:38 PM
I think that saying what your problem is aint productive there should be a thread for saying what to be happy about.
You are both right and wrong at the same time. Yes, a thread about being happy is a good thing. Yes, a thread about talking through your issues is very useful. Let's have both, mmkay? :smallwink:

Eloi
2010-06-10, 06:42 PM
Well, my grandpa died yesterday, and I was close to him. My mom's really upset, and I'm sad too, its just.. I don't feel or look sad. I'm not crying nor have I, and I don't really feel much of any sadness, regret, anger etc. However I do want a way to cheer my mom up. Any ideas? And any ideas why I don't feel sad?

Thajocoth
2010-06-10, 06:50 PM
Just stopping by to share some of my most recent misery. My daughter's baby kitten just died... while my daughter is away on vacation. Had to break the news over the phone, so she wouldn't come home expectant.

:smallsigh:

Really sucks...

Thought about adding more, but nope... that about sums it up. Going to bed in the hopes that tomorrow will suck a little less. :smallsigh:

I'm really sorry to hear about that.

This actually happened to me 3 years ago. My (very fat) cat stopped eating while I was in California, and after a trip to the vet, I was called, told the situation, and asked, essentially, "It's one of two things. Should we do the test to see if it's the one that we can extend his now-painful life by a week so you can see him one last time? Or euthanize him now?" That was really horrible.

-----

I've been watching somebody close to me slowly making themselves sicker and sicker, unable to help them, but also knowing it's being done for good reasons that help a lot of other people out. It's somewhat confusing. Like, I'm both worried for them, and very proud of them. Simultaneously:

"You really need to stop. You're under so much stress at this point that you've gone beyond the simple circulatory issues you had a few years into this and into asthmatic attacks and long periods of vertigo. That's really not good, and on top of that you've got over half a million USD in debt."

...combined with...

"You've made all these people's lives better, and are slowly strengthening the foundation of the entire industry they work in in ways that have been ignored since forever, which happens to be great for our youth, isn't that great?"

Though, she is slowly losing the debt, finally... And once she finishes translating everything to a second language, maybe she'll be able to afford to hire people to offload some of her work onto. So hope's in sight... But in a way, hope's always kinda been in sight, and there always seems to be more & more effects of the incredible level of stress she's under.

I purposely left out enough details to keep things disconnected enough. I wouldn't want to be responsible for her business getting bad press, and I didn't want to make this a full discussion. I just wanted to say something to somebody about it somewhere, and figured this place made the most sense. I really worry about her. I'm not looking for any advice or anything. There is nothing I can do except wait and hope for the best and I know that.

Her birthday's coming up in a couple weeks. 46. Been doing what she does for probably around 12 years now.

Trellan
2010-06-10, 07:15 PM
Well, my grandpa died yesterday, and I was close to him. My mom's really upset, and I'm sad too, its just.. I don't feel or look sad. I'm not crying nor have I, and I don't really feel much of any sadness, regret, anger etc. However I do want a way to cheer my mom up. Any ideas? And any ideas why I don't feel sad?

Honestly, my advice and my opinion on why you don't feel sad are more or less one in the same. Everyone experiences grief differently. Some people bawl their eyes out, some people talk about all the good times, some people internalize, and some people just lock it away. My guess would be that you might be doing the latter. Figure out what kind your mom is, and act accordingly. If she's the crying type, be there for her when she cries. If she's the talking type, talk with her. If she's the type that internalizes it, don't leave her alone to stew in her grief. Who knows, you might even be able to figure out more about how you feel about it in the process.

Zeb The Troll
2010-06-11, 12:06 AM
I think that saying what your problem is aint productive there should be a thread for saying what to be happy about.Interestingly, there have been several attempts to start "Why are you happy today?" threads and they uniformly die off within a week. People don't have a need to talk about why they are happy. They don't need advice on what to do when they're happy. When someone's happy about something, they make a thread about it or they mention it in Random Banter or whatever. But an ongoing discussion about your pervasive happiness is usually unecessary. Or at least that's my theory on why those threads don't tend to last.

golentan
2010-06-11, 12:35 AM
While I don't think that just pretending to be happy is the answer, I do remember The Moth radio hour this past week had a story about cures for depression, and wound up with a fellow from Senegal talking about psychologists. "You weren't out in the sun, you didn't have the community to support you, there wasn't any music to get your blood going, and there was no acknowledgment of the depression as something external to get rid of. Instead, they made you sit with them alone inside in a little dark room and talk with them about things that made you feel bad. We had to ask them to leave the country."

That said, I think this is a good place. We're all here to support each other as a real community, and all want to help. And mulling over problems to come up with solutions is good stuff.

sktarq
2010-06-11, 08:26 PM
While I don't think that just pretending to be happy is the answer, I do remember The Moth radio hour this past week had a story about cures for depression, and wound up with a fellow from Senegal talking about psychologists. "You weren't out in the sun, you didn't have the community to support you, there wasn't any music to get your blood going, and there was no acknowledgment of the depression as something external to get rid of. Instead, they made you sit with them alone inside in a little dark room and talk with them about things that made you feel bad. We had to ask them to leave the country."

Funny but that seems backward to me. Admittedly the various friends who sub in as my psychological sounding boards are mostly nuts too but they also are the ones who force me to look at the things that make me feel bad. In the sunshine and whatnot I can ignore them. In the dark I have to deal with the. Thus progress is made on alternate Friday nights.

Lioness
2010-06-11, 11:24 PM
Mum thinks I should see a psychologist...apparently she's worried about me. I'm just stressed, and she's making it out to be a bigger deal than it is.

Quincunx
2010-06-12, 05:20 AM
Hm. . .Want to just go in and ask about alternate ways to cope with the stress, then, so as not to waste the hour? Think that's more of a therapist's job, but I'd expect anyone in the profession to have picked up some tips and tricks.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-06-12, 10:22 AM
Well, my grandpa died yesterday, and I was close to him. My mom's really upset, and I'm sad too, its just.. I don't feel or look sad. I'm not crying nor have I, and I don't really feel much of any sadness, regret, anger etc. However I do want a way to cheer my mom up. Any ideas? And any ideas why I don't feel sad?
It's okay, gang. Ignore this one a few days until the guy who just had arm surgery to relocate a nerve answers. :smalltongue: (It get's the " :smalltongue: " because said arm surgery isn't THAT big a deal (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2010/06/ahhhmuch-better.html).)

The whole grieving process is different for each individual. Not everyone breaks down into uncontrollable tears at the death of a loved one. Some people may even celebrate what may have been a long, productive, and happy life. That you aren't hysterical doesn't mean you didn't love your grandfather. If anything, you might even be relieved that a recent and particularly lengthy battle with illness has ended with the ultimate in relief.

And in a way, you ARE grieving. You're grieving over the fact that you aren't grieving. It happens.

As for your mom, I'd be concerned if she was inconsolable. If tears are coming and refuse to stop, she may need a bit of help. There are plenty of places for grief counseling, but it may be just a tad early to be heading in that direction.

I'd suggest you simply offer to listen to your mom if she wants to open up about it. Even if she opts to not do so, the offer alone may be enough to cheer her up. She may have lost a loved on, but there are obviously other loved ones still around, and they care. It could mean the world.

And...Oh, sure, Bor...NOW you notice that Trellan has basically said the same thing, but in fewer words. You're brilliant. No, really...you are. :smallredface:

While I'm here, the "Bobby McFerrin Award" goes to mrpitchfork. I'll take it one step further. Go and listen to "Don't Worry, Be Happy" as many times as we had to suffer through it from late 1988 to early 1989, then hunt down Bobby and pound on him with your bare fists until bone is showing on either your hands or his face. You will feel A LOT better. (Or will feel better just imagining it. I know an entire generation did.) :smalltongue:

Okay...Semi-snarkiness aside, I know you're trying to help, and truly appreciate your efforts, but much of the time the people who come here have issues that are beyond your suggestion. They don't have friends with whom they can suggest platonic cuddling. They don't feel like they can do anything awesome. So they come to vent, and most often eventually start lending a hand...and begin to realize that helping others with similar woes is, in fact, the awesome thing that they can do. They've had anything from a case of the blues to clinically diagnosed depression. ("Severe recurring depression" here, in case you were wondering.) None can truly KNOW how another feels, but they are familiar in their own way as to what a depressed person is feeling like, and so they let those who are down/ill that they aren't alone. Sometimes THAT is enough to help someone along.

It's why I keep coming back here, trying to do what I do. I'm on my meds like a good boy, and making it through each day as best I can, even on the ones when I'm not recovering from surgery. But every now and again, I need to receive some validation for my existence. I even went fishing for more compliments recently (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2010/06/greatest-rewards.html), as things were weighing on my mind heavily the day before surgery. We are, almost unfortunately, human. (Yes, even your friendly neighborhood barbarian monk is just human!)

So by all means, mrpitchfork, keep making efforts to come back and help. Just be wary of anything that could sound akin to "snap out of it." If we could, this thread wouldn't exist. :smallsmile:

Eloi
2010-06-12, 10:31 AM
It's okay, gang. Ignore this one a few days until the guy who just had arm surgery to relocate a nerve answers. :smalltongue: (It get's the " :smalltongue: " because said arm surgery isn't THAT big a deal (http://sometimeswrite.blogspot.com/2010/06/ahhhmuch-better.html).)

The whole grieving process is different for each individual. Not everyone breaks down into uncontrollable tears at the death of a loved one. Some people may even celebrate what may have been a long, productive, and happy life. That you aren't hysterical doesn't mean you didn't love your grandfather. If anything, you might even be relieved that a recent and particularly lengthy battle with illness has ended with the ultimate in relief.
Yeah, he was real atheletic and in his last years of his life he couldn't move around much. I'm glad he's now able to somewhere better.


And in a way, you ARE grieving. You're grieving over the fact that you aren't grieving. It happens.
Is that like someone pretending to have Münchausen syndrome by emulating the symptoms of it? :smalltongue:


As for your mom, I'd be concerned if she was inconsolable. If tears are coming and refuse to stop, she may need a bit of help. There are plenty of places for grief counseling, but it may be just a tad early to be heading in that direction.
She actually has clinical depression. But she's a pretty up-beat and perky person normally.


I'd suggest you simply offer to listen to your mom if she wants to open up about it. Even if she opts to not do so, the offer alone may be enough to cheer her up. She may have lost a loved on, but there are obviously other loved ones still around, and they care. It could mean the world.

Oh, she's to be doing a little better now, thanks for helping tho'. :smallsmile:

afroakuma
2010-06-12, 10:25 PM
So, I've been seeing a therapist.

Three sessions so far, and a fourth on Monday.

What is it supposed to accomplish, can anyone tell me? :smallsigh:

I didn't exactly understand the point of it going into the thing, unless it was to be prescribed a regimen of antidepressants or something of the sort. Apparently, though, the therapist can't see any indication that I'm less happy than the average Joe. Of course he can't; I hate talking about myself, think everything about therapy is trivial and worthless, and deflect with humor when I'm not just laughing facetiously at the pointlessness of the whole exercise.

The problem is, from what I gather, therapy is only as useful as what you want to get out of it, and I don't know what that is at all. I can spill every single fact of my tedious and bitter life and arrange them to build a ziggurat in tribute to overwhelming self-worthlessness with remarkable and sociopathically-detached ease, but given that I don't even see the mouth of the hole I'm in, let alone a way out, I've yet to see results, let alone a possible route to results. I can't help me. It's both my problem and my problem with my problem, to be obtusely circuitous.

So what is therapy for? What does it do? What am I supposed to be doing that I'm not to make this work? Where am I missing the boat here?

PersonMan
2010-06-12, 10:32 PM
So, I've been seeing a therapist.

Three sessions so far, and a fourth on Monday.

What is it supposed to accomplish, can anyone tell me? :smallsigh:

I didn't exactly understand the point of it going into the thing, unless it was to be prescribed a regimen of antidepressants or something of the sort. Apparently, though, the therapist can't see any indication that I'm less happy than the average Joe. Of course he can't; I hate talking about myself, think everything about therapy is trivial and worthless, and deflect with humor when I'm not just laughing facetiously at the pointlessness of the whole exercise.

The problem is, from what I gather, therapy is only as useful as what you want to get out of it, and I don't know what that is at all. I can spill every single fact of my tedious and bitter life and arrange them to build a ziggurat in tribute to overwhelming self-worthlessness with remarkable and sociopathically-detached ease, but given that I don't even see the mouth of the hole I'm in, let alone a way out, I've yet to see results, let alone a possible route to results. I can't help me. It's both my problem and my problem with my problem, to be obtusely circuitous.

So what is therapy for? What does it do? What am I supposed to be doing that I'm not to make this work? Where am I missing the boat here?

Well, when I had therapy it was a very different kind than what you appear to have. Now, I was about 10 or 11 at the time, but maybe you just need a different kind of therapy? I think that there are several different kinds, maybe another one will work better?

afroakuma
2010-06-12, 10:34 PM
Yes, but there's no point switching therapies if I don't understand what the purpose of going to therapy is in the first place.

Bor the Barbarian Monk
2010-06-12, 11:33 PM
So, I've been seeing a therapist.

Three sessions so far, and a fourth on Monday.

What is it supposed to accomplish, can anyone tell me? :smallsigh:

I didn't exactly understand the point of it going into the thing, unless it was to be prescribed a regimen of antidepressants or something of the sort. Apparently, though, the therapist can't see any indication that I'm less happy than the average Joe. Of course he can't; I hate talking about myself, think everything about therapy is trivial and worthless, and deflect with humor when I'm not just laughing facetiously at the pointlessness of the whole exercise.

The problem is, from what I gather, therapy is only as useful as what you want to get out of it, and I don't know what that is at all. I can spill every single fact of my tedious and bitter life and arrange them to build a ziggurat in tribute to overwhelming self-worthlessness with remarkable and sociopathically-detached ease, but given that I don't even see the mouth of the hole I'm in, let alone a way out, I've yet to see results, let alone a possible route to results. I can't help me. It's both my problem and my problem with my problem, to be obtusely circuitous.

So what is therapy for? What does it do? What am I supposed to be doing that I'm not to make this work? Where am I missing the boat here?
Emphasis, mine.

Therapy is a little more than what you want to get out of it. It's also what you put into it. If you hate talking about yourself, think everything about therapy is trivial and worthless, and deflect with humor, you're not going to get a great deal out of it. It's a give and take scenario, and you have to give a bit before you can take.

One of the biggest issues when it comes to a patient facing a therapist is trust. Doctor/patient confidentiality is not something that comes to mind when one heads for a therapist, but it's there. A bunch of legally binding papers isn't and warm and fuzzy as the trust of a friend. Keep this in mind. And if you want to divulge a bit about yourself that you don't want getting back to a parent, if that's what your potential concern is, then make it clear that NONE of what you say gets back to your parents. Said parents will have to suffice with, "I have some issues, and we're working on them," from YOUR lips.

If trust is the issue, then talk to the doctor about it. Go ahead and make an entire session out of it if need be. "I'm having a trust issue with YOU, doc. I need assurances that what I say stays between us." Mind you, I believe they are obligated to speak to others at some point if you present a danger to yourself or others, but then I wouldn't expect my therapist (if I had one) to keep silent if I was at all dangerous. (And I'm telling you right now, I am a danger to a certain cat if she doesn't stay out from under my feet while I'm recovering from this arm surgery! (There. Others were told. See how that works? :smallwink: ))

Your therapist might well be the kind I've had a few times. They want to have a few sessions with you before making any kind of judgments. I actually brought this up on session number four with one doctor I was seeing, only to learn that the monologue I'd been producing for the first few weeks had left her with some solid information. But, again, it took me opening my mouth and bringing up my concern to bring this to light. So, as stated at the start, I got out that which I put in.

But beware the BAD therapist. I didn't run into many in my later years, but I'm sure they're still out there, somewhere. Like the one who, after you've spent 40 minutes of your "45-minute hour" telling them what you think on a specific issue, only to have the question asked, "Well, how do you feel about that?" I just burned many calories telling you how I feel, you twit, and now I want you to use that extensive education of yours to HELP ME COPE!!! :smallannoyed: Or the "yes man," who does little else than agree that your life sucks, while teaching you no coping skills whatsoever. I don't need validation that my life sucks. I'm living it, and I already know this from first-person perspective. How about teaching me a few coping skills before I poke you in the eye with a hot french fry! (Ahhh, the Zen of Anger! Foamy, you are my hero...sometimes.)

Afro, I've made some suggestions, but what I sincerely hope you do is discuss the perspective you've brought here. Feel free to print up your post, walk into the therapist's office, hand the printed copy, and say, "I wrote that. Responses?" It's a step in the right direction, I think, of getting something out of the sessions. It's okay to put your therapist on the spot. It's THEIR psychological test. If they have no answers for you, and I mean NO answers, then you may well be seeing one of those bad therapists who grew up thinking, "I will help people, because I like to listen to all of my friends and help them." That's great. They should have started an advice column, and not a therapy practice. So do it, and see what comes of it...

...and keep us posted. Best of luck.

Me: I only SEEM to be back in action so swiftly after arm surgery. However, holding my arm up without being able to rest my sliced-open forearm gets tiring. I try to address what I can, but in the future, long posts like this may not be possible. Not until I've done more healing. :smallfrown:

Lillith
2010-06-13, 07:27 AM
I pretty much agree with Bor on the issue, though I have something to add. You say that you have a problem telling about your life to your therapist, but you're probably able to someone you know right? Do you perhaps have any recent internet conversation logs where you told someone about what is bugging you? You could print those out and like Bor said, hand it to your therapist. Another way would be to sit down and write out every single thing that is bugging you and build that ziggurat. Again, hand that over to your therapist.

A therapist is there to give you advice, ways to cope with stress and give you ideas to improve your life. Though they can only do that if you trust your therapist and are willing to tell him/her what is bugging you. If you think your current therapist is not for you, request to have a talk with a different one, until you find one that you like.

What you are doing to not make it work is to close off any communication you can have with your therapist and to refuse any form of help because you already concluded yourself that it is not going to help anyway. BIG MISTAKE. If you think it is not going to work, it won't work. Be honest and try to be open. Tell your therapist that you don't have a positive outlook on therapy and explain why, but that you are willing to try it anyways. If you're not going to connect with your therapist because you refuse to try, you might as well throw the money spend in a furnace and burn it.

afroakuma
2010-06-13, 11:16 AM
I think I've been misunderstood slightly: I tell my therapist everything. I have no concerns regarding trust. The problem is that I don't know why I'm at a therapist in the first place, which means although I can give him a huge info dump in a tone as detached as that of a sociopath, I can't actually figure out how to help him help me.