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Lord of Rapture
2010-01-23, 01:41 AM
Title says it all.

I was in the Hong Kong Model United Nations this year, and I was representing the Russian Federation in the CCPCJ. Our resolution, (well, the whole committee's resolution, actually) was passed almost unanimously, and I said,

"In Soviet Russia, resolution writes YOU!"

13_CBS
2010-01-23, 01:49 AM
Wait, what do you mean by "worst" joke? :smallconfused: Worst as in:

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"LOL"

where the quality of the joke is really just not funny, or:


"Hey, this is some pretty good sukiyaki (Japanese beef hotpot)."

"Yeah, I daisukiyaki, amiright?!" *rimshot*

":smallannoyed:"

where it's just a really bad pun?

Lord of Rapture
2010-01-23, 01:51 AM
Wait, what do you mean by "worst" joke? :smallconfused: Worst as in:

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"LOL"

where the quality of the joke is really just not funny, or:


"Hey, this is some pretty good sukiyaki (Japanese beef hotpot)."

"Yeah, I daisukiyaki, amiright?!" *rimshot*

":smallannoyed:"

where it's just a really bad pun?

Whichever joke is the most painful.

golentan
2010-01-23, 01:56 AM
Mine is probably "What's the difference between your mother and my car?"

"What?"

"When I was 'out driving' all last night, I wasn't riding in my car. *BOOM*"

Innis Cabal
2010-01-23, 01:57 AM
Where do you find a dog with no legs

Right where you left it

Calenestel
2010-01-23, 02:06 AM
1: "I bought a can of laughter last year but I left it too long in the cupboard so it got spoiled."

Translate this into swedish (with spoiled = skämt) and you will groan in pain (Will dc 23 for half dam).

It's a pun, they rarely translate well, even between english and swedish who are FAIRLY close.

The thing is that "skämt" can either translate to spoiled (as in spoiled food) or joke.

2: "Why do coyotes howl at night?"
"Because, at DAY they can see the cacti."

Bad I know. Hey, at least it's not a swedish pun. :smallamused:

Aure Entuluva!
Calenestel

Mattarias, King.
2010-01-23, 02:37 AM
How did the hermit pay for his house?





A LOAN! :smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin: I love bad jokes. Totally watching this thread.

Thufir
2010-01-23, 02:50 AM
I can't remember specifically, but I'm pretty sure it came either out of a christmas cracker or off a packet of wotsits.

Knaight
2010-01-23, 02:50 AM
"You know what else is intense?" "Campers."
There is also the accidental pun "That sword isn't going to cut it."

Then there is this format: "Want to hear a nerdy joke?" "Fourth edition*".

*Used with meta humor, and the product in question was just randomly picked. Really, you can use almost anything. "Want to hear a theater joke?" "A school I dislike" is another one.




Ah, screw it, here's the true worst joke. "That's what SHE said."

Lioness
2010-01-23, 03:03 AM
I love a good (bad) pun.

Did you know that 3.14% of sailors are Pirates?

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

My girlfriend came home from work in tears and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my X-Box.

A long one...Sand crab and mud crab were great friends, living in the waters just off the coast of a popular holiday destination. They enjoyed a life long friendship until disaster struck - a fishing boat dropped anchor and took them both out at once...

Mud crab found himself in heaven. He was issued a set of wings and a beautiful harp. But there was a tinge of sadness as it soon became apparent that Sand crab had gone to the other place.

After some weeks mud crab was missing sand crab terribly. He went and spoke to the Archangel Gabriel about how he was feeling.

"We were such good friends," explained mud crab, "He really was a wonderful crab, I can't understand why he isn't in heaven. I wish there was some way I could see him once more."

Gabriel listened as mud crab poured out his heart. Moved with compassion he said, "Well, I shouldn't really do this, but there is a way you can see sand crab again, just once! Follow me..."

Mud crab was gob smacked, and, needless to say, overjoyed. He quickly followed Gabriel to a spot along a tall white stone wall marking out the edge of heaven. Gabriel tapped one of the stones... it slid aside to reveal a slippery dip, so long that the end of it couldn't be seen.

"Wow," said mud crab.

"Just slide down there and it will take you straight to sand crab, BUT whatever you do be back here by midnight, AND don't forget your harp. I won't be able to let you back in without your harp."

"But how do I get back up?" asked mud crab.

"Just jump back on the slide, it will bring you back," replied the angel.

Mud crab was so grateful he kissed Gabriel's feet, then turned and jumped on the slide... He slid for a good couple of minutes until he stopped with a bump in the middle of a disco dance floor.

"Mud crab!" cried a familiar voice.

"Sand crab!" tears filled mud crabs eyes.

The two old friends had a wonderful time. They drank and danced. Sand crab explained that hell wasn't so bad, he'd even been able to start the disco they were in - in fact, business was really good and he was doing very well indeed.

Time flew. Almost before he knew it his time was up. At 11.57 mud crab noticed the time, gave sand crab a hug and jumped back on the slide. He arrived at the top of the slide a couple of minutes later to find Gabriel tapping his foot and looking at his wrist watch.

"Oh, thank goodness, I thought you weren't going to make it," said Gabriel, "OH NO! Where's your harp?"

Mud crab was in such a hurry he'd forgotten. Forlorn he replied, "I left my harp in sand crabs disco."

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

How do you tell whether an elephant is male or female?
Tell it a joke. If he laughs then it's a male. If she laughs then it's female.

An atom walks into the bar, and walks up to the barman, distraught.
The barman says, 'What's the matter?'
The atom cries, 'I've lost an electron!'
"Are you sure?'
'I'm positive!'

So, Pi and i are having an argument. i says to Pi, 'Why can't you just be rational!' to which Pi replies, 'Get real!'

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.

I have a pet newt named Tiny. I names him Tiny because he's my newt


*runs and hides*

Sorry!

Calenestel
2010-01-23, 03:53 AM
@Lioness: Don't hide. You've to nothing to be ashamed of. Those were wonderfully horrible (and possibly the other way around as well). I really loved the one about your newt. Haven't laughed so hard for a long time.

If I weren't a happily married man I'd... well... Let's not go there. It would be a silly place. :smallredface:

Aure Entuluva!
Calenestel

Totally Guy
2010-01-23, 03:58 AM
Someone called Lars had died.

I said to his boss, "I'm sorry for your Lars".

Good job we were roleplaying.

Serpentine
2010-01-23, 04:42 AM
I did one just today. A boy was borrowing a bunch of books, including two about animals that had big pictures of snarling tigers on the front. I lifted them up and said to the boy, "Copy cats!"


Then I said "BOOM BOOM".


Then he cried laffed.

Coidzor
2010-01-23, 04:58 AM
Serps: You mean shot you, skinned you, and sold your remains to the fur industry, right?


Hmm... Worst joke I've ever told was a repeat, but here it goes. So a Hiroshima survivor walks into a bar. Every night. For the rest of his life.

Sneak
2010-01-23, 07:01 AM
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pool?

Bob.

No one really seems to like this one, but it's one of my classic jokes.

Q2: How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.

Green Bean
2010-01-23, 07:17 AM
I can't actually tell you the worst joke I ever told; it'd probably get me kicked off the site. Suffice it to say, it deals with the differing qualities of peanut butter and jam, and leave it at that (please).

Raging Gene Ray
2010-01-23, 07:26 AM
What do you get when you eat ALL the potatoes?

They're all gone! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzwDgz053PI)

Aiurax
2010-01-23, 07:39 AM
How to make a Turkey:

You'd need a girl turkey and a boy turkey. How does one tell a girl turkey from a boy turkey? The little boy turkeys should be blue, the girls pink, and then the green should be those undecided turkeys who lack preference.

I meant: How to bake a Turkey:

You'd have to choose between the blue ones, the pink ones, and the green. If you pick the blue then you're a feminazi, if you pick the pink then you're a traitor, and if you pick the green then its a hate crime. Choose wisely or the turkeys shall retaliate.

:smallbiggrin:

Weimann
2010-01-23, 07:41 AM
How many sides are there on a ball?

Two. Outside and inside.

Recaiden
2010-01-23, 08:10 AM
Serps: You mean shot you, skinned you, and sold your remains to the fur industry, right?


Hmm... Worst joke I've ever told was a repeat, but here it goes. So a Hiroshima survivor walks into a bar. Every night. For the rest of his life.

You mean the scaled-animal-skin industry, right?

Dr.Epic
2010-01-23, 08:16 AM
Worst joke I ever told was a little racy so I don't think I can tell it on these forums.

Kneenibble
2010-01-23, 08:19 AM
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pool?

Bob.
(I like your second one too. XD)

What do you call a man who falls into the sausage grinder?
Phil.

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt.

elans#1fan
2010-01-23, 08:29 AM
A duck walks into a bar and says "got any pickles?" the bar tender says "No." the duck says "got any pickles?" the bar tender says, slightly annoyed "no." the duck askes once again, "got any pickles?" and then the bar tender yells " No we do not have any pickles and if you ask one more time I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!" then the duck asks "got any nails?" a d the bar tender says "no..." and the duck says " got any pickles?"

not the funniest joke but, hey, what the heck Im gonna post it!!!!!:smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin:

Dr.Epic
2010-01-23, 08:31 AM
(I like your second one too. XD)

What do you call a man who falls into the sausage grinder?
Phil.

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt.

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body?

He's all right.

Lioness
2010-01-23, 08:32 AM
Knock Knock
Who's there
Interrupting cow
Interrupting co-
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

KuReshtin
2010-01-23, 08:46 AM
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return to you when you throw it?

A stick.

Above jokes courtesy of Alan Davies as told on QI. :smallbiggrin:

What do you call a deaf dog?

Doesn't matter, he won't come to you anyways.

Jimor
2010-01-23, 08:49 AM
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get offa my cloud!"
A Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod, get offa ma ewe!"

Derjuin
2010-01-23, 09:16 AM
What do you call a man with no arms or legs and lays in front of doors?

Matt.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs and hangs on a wall?

Art!

Lengthy one ahead:

Three vampires walk into a bar. As they sit down at the counter, the bartender looks overjoyed. They order a round of blood, and the bartender runs into the back room. A few seconds later, he comes out with three shots of blood.

The vampires enjoy their blood, and order a second round. The bartender sighs and runs into the back again, when he comes out he looks pale and exhausted, but he gives them the blood they ordered.

The bartender's dog walks out from behind the counter, looks up to the first vampire and says "He hasn't had customers in ages. He's literally draining his own blood for you!"

The first vampire looks to the other two, quite a bit shocked.

"Holy <crap>, a talking dog!"

What do you call a gnome that's come down with a bad disease?

A leper-chaun.

I have another vampire one but it's awfully squicky so I don't think I ought to put it here...

Winthur
2010-01-23, 09:40 AM
Ummm... I know a joke about dead fetuses, but I don't believe it should be posted here... it's kind of a macabre... :smallredface:

Ikialev
2010-01-23, 09:48 AM
The worst joke I told was of the "how do you fit 40 babies in a bucket" kind.

RationalGoblin
2010-01-23, 09:49 AM
So, after Quasimodo dies, the priests of Notre Dame need to find a new bellringer. They put out an ad in the paper.

A bunch of people show up, and most are reasonably good at bellringing. The priests are about to wrap it up when a man with no arms shows up.

The priests are skeptical, and say "You can't ring a bell without arms."

The man says "Sure I can!" and bashes his head against one of the bells. It creates the most beautiful noise the priests have ever heard. The unarmed man is immediately hired.

So he is the bellringer for a few weeks, and mostly keeps to himself, until he trips while trying to ring a bell and falls to his death.

Soon enough, the guards of Paris come along to investigate. They ask various questions of the priests, and eventually say "Did any of you know this man?"

One of the priests answers "No, but his face rings a bell."

After that, the priests put another ad in the paper. Again, a bunch of people show up and are pretty good. However, another man with no arms shows up, looking exactly like the dead bellringer.

The priests say "Oh, we can't hire you, we've had bad experiences with men with no arms."

The new man laughs and says "Oh, that was just my brother, I'm much better then him. Listen!" He bashes his head against a bell, and again, it creates a beautiful sound. He is hired.

Like before, the man is bellringer for a few weeks, until he too trips and falls off the belltower.

So the guards come along again, and again, they ask "Did any of you know this man?"

One of the priests thinks a little while, and answers: "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

:smallbiggrin:

Klose_the_Sith
2010-01-23, 09:52 AM
What do you get if you bug a droid for too long?

An annoyed droid!

Hahaha, that one always tickles my transistors ...

Jack Squat
2010-01-23, 10:06 AM
So, Helvetica and Comic Sans walk into a bar, and the bartender says "We don't serve your type here."

Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll
2010-01-23, 10:37 AM
Oh god, here goes.

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll
2010-01-23, 10:39 AM
continued...

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either. You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like," answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up. "What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. "You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a 'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it 'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now? You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?" protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, "Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll
2010-01-23, 10:40 AM
finishing off....


Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of, and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son." Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, "Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy! Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following.

Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!", he ran over the snake.

THE END



You can all shoot me now.

Comet
2010-01-23, 11:31 AM
*The worlds longest joke*
I've seen that joke about fifty time now on different sites and forums. I never wanted to read it, though, because I thought I would be just wasting my time and that no punchline would be worth sitting through that amount of text.

For some reason, I ended up reading it this time. And it was funny. And the story itself was neat, even from a non-comedic viewpoint.
Time well spent, thanks for that.

shadow_archmagi
2010-01-23, 11:41 AM
I've seen that joke about fifty time now on different sites and forums, but I never read it, until just now

Better late than never

Totally Guy
2010-01-23, 12:04 PM
Levver... Leever...

Gentleman Bard
2010-01-23, 12:23 PM
Why did Lady Gaga wear her red dress to the Music Awards?

To hide her poker face.

Zocelot
2010-01-23, 12:27 PM
What's green, fuzzy, has six legs, and if it jumps out of a tree on you, you'll die?
A pool table

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A rottweiler

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender asks him "Does that bug you at all?"
"Yarrr, it be driving me nuts!"

For some reason, I've told pirate jokes back and forth for over an hour on multiple occasions. Some (all) of these get really bad.

"What do pirates think of the distance across the atlantic?"
"Very Farrrrrr"

"How do pirates get around on land?"
"In a carrrr"

Dr.Epic
2010-01-23, 12:29 PM
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender gives it to him and asks "Isn't that thing uncomfortable?" The man says "Are you kidding? It's driving me nuts."

Green Bean
2010-01-23, 12:40 PM
That joke works better with a pirate, I find.

Dr.Epic
2010-01-23, 12:45 PM
That joke works better with a pirate, I find.

Not to sound rude but it only works like 1% better. Whether it's a pirate or not you can still enjoy the joke.

TRM
2010-01-23, 01:00 PM
Not to sound rude but it only works like 1% better. Whether it's a pirate or not you can still enjoy the joke.
The main reason that your rendition wasn't funny is because it came immediately after the same joke was posted... with a pirate—so your audience was not very receptive.

ForzaFiori
2010-01-23, 01:05 PM
I have so many horrible jokes, but all of them are either racial or "dead baby" jokes, and if I posted them, I'm sure that many people would be offended.

NemoUtopia
2010-01-23, 01:34 PM
I'm trying to decide if I should post here...but then I remind myself that it was asked for, and you all supposedly knew what you were getting yourselves into :smallwink:

So I had this brilliant idea for a modern novel. It was about a replica statue of 'Man Thinking' that acted as a defense lawyer. I reneged on the idea, figuring I, Object! wouldn't sell well.

I had to scrap a great idea for an advertising phamplet about how comedy clubs are great places for human mating rituals. Who would buy something called Stand Up: Your Date?

It occurs to me that attending Ferrum college is one of the heights of irony. ((<--- warning, geek joke))

Did you know that you can use a yellow-bellied scaredy cat as a bovine enclosure? They're both cowards ((cow-wards)).


These are the kinds of jokes I come up with randomly out-of-the-blue on my own.:smallbiggrin::smallcool:

golentan
2010-01-23, 02:00 PM
Arr, it be down to pirate jokes, is it?

Why do pirates always carry soap? So they can wash themselves a shore.

What do pirates pay for their piercings? A buccaneer.

Why'd the pirate captain order his men to stand at the back of the ship? He was being stern.

KuReshtin
2010-01-23, 02:48 PM
What did the vegetarian zombie eat?
GRAAAAIIIINS!

What was the name of the dyslexic zombie?
BRIIIIAAAAAN!

Deth Muncher
2010-01-23, 02:52 PM
This one is actually horrible, and if taken the wrong way it can make people hate you. The setup is as follows:

Hey, so I know this really funny joke. -start chuckling, then compose yourself- Okay, okay. Here it goes.
*dramatic pause*
Women's rights.

Keep in mind that this joke, as with many jokes between my friends and I, is all in good fun, and that as horrible as it sounds we're not ACTUALLY pigs.

As an aside, as a Jew, I hear all sorts of horrid jokes about my people, some of which are up there with the "babies in a bucket" line. You've just got to have a sense of humor about things.

Raistlin1040
2010-01-23, 03:14 PM
1: Knock Knock
2: Who's There?
1: Interrupting Sloth
2: Interrupting (at this point 1 starts moving forward with one arm outstretched very slowly) Sloth Who?
1 then leaves

3 days later, 1 sneaks up behind 2 and very slowly touches him on the shoulder.

Totally Guy
2010-01-23, 03:20 PM
I know a great knock knock joke.

You go first.

Pauwel
2010-01-23, 04:22 PM
This, I am certain, is the worst joke of all time and space. Proceed with caution.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named John.

John goes for a walk in the woods, and meets John-John. John and John-John ask John-John's mother if John and John-John can go for a walk in the woods together. John and John-John are allowed to go.

Then, John and John meet John-John-John. John and John-John and John-John-John ask John-John-John's mother if John and John-John and John- John-John can go for a walk in the woods together. John and John-John and John-John-John are allowed to go.

Then, John and John and John-John-John meet Witch. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch ask Witch's mother if John and John-John and John- John-John and Witch can go for a walk in the woods together. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch are allowed to go.

Then, John and John and John-John-John and Witch meet Witch-Witch. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch ask Witch-Witch's mother if John and John-John and John- John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch can go for a walk in the woods together. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch are allowed to go.

Then, John and John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch meet Witch-Witch-Witch. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch ask Witch-Witch-Witch's mother if John and John-John and John- John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch can go for a walk in the woods together. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch are allowed to go.

Then, John and John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch meet Troll. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll ask Troll's mother if John and John-John and John- John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll can go for a walk in the woods together. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll are allowed to go.

Then, John and John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll meet Troll-Troll. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll and Troll-Troll ask Troll-Troll's mother if John and John-John and John- John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll and Troll-Troll can go for a walk in the woods together. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll and Troll-Troll are allowed to go.


Then, John and John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll and Troll-Troll meet Troll-Troll-Troll. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll and Troll-Troll and Troll-Troll-Troll ask Troll-Troll-Troll's mother if John and John-John and John- John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll and Troll-Troll and Troll-Troll-Troll can go for a walk in the woods together. John and John-John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll and Troll-Troll and Troll-Troll-Troll are allowed to go.

Then, John and John and John-John-John and Witch and Witch-Witch and Witch-Witch-Witch and Troll and Troll-Troll and Troll-Troll-Troll notice a hole in the ground.
First Troll-Troll-Troll jumps, and falls into the hole.
Then Troll-Troll jumps, and falls into the hole.
Then Troll jumps, and falls into the hole.
Then Witch-Witch-Witch jumps, and falls into the hole.
Then Witch-Witch jumps, and falls into the hole.
Then Witch jumps, and falls into the hole.
Then John-John-John jumps, and falls into the hole.
Then John-John jumps, and falls into the hole.
Then John jumps, and manages to make it to the other side.

Why did John succeed in vaulting the chasm, when everyone else failed?

He'd just gotten a new pair of sneakers

GrlumpTheElder
2010-01-23, 04:29 PM
My chemistry teacher told me this one:

A man walks into a bar and says "I'd like some adenosine TriPhosphate please" and the barman said "That'll be 80p"

Geddit, because 80p sounds like ATP... ah, forget it.

Dogmantra
2010-01-23, 04:32 PM
My chemistry teacher told me this one:

A man walks into a bar and says "I'd like some adenosine TriPhosphate please" and the barman said "That'll be 80p"

Geddit, because 80p sounds like ATP... ah, forget it.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Dr.Epic
2010-01-23, 04:32 PM
How did Indiana Jones beat Dr. Manhattan?

He hid inside of a refigerator.

CDR_Doom
2010-01-23, 04:37 PM
What do you get when you throw a grenade into a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart
:smallbiggrin:

Exeson
2010-01-23, 05:40 PM
What's green, fuzzy, has six legs, and if it jumps out of a tree on you, you'll die?
A pool table

My friends version of this one: What's green, has lots of holes and if it falls out of a tree on top of you will kill you?

A golf course!

Also: What's green then red at the flick of a switch?

A traffic light!

Or a frog in a blender

GrlumpTheElder
2010-01-23, 05:53 PM
I always tell this one:

What's white and can't climb trees?

A FRIDGE!!!
Why I spoilered that, I'll never know

Yoren
2010-01-23, 06:55 PM
I'll put it in spoilers cause its slightly over PG-13

What did one female vampire say to the other female vampire?





Same time next month?

Partof1
2010-01-23, 06:59 PM
I don't remember the context, but in english, my friend said"....now the tables have turned"

So I spun my desk to face him.

Green Bean
2010-01-23, 07:15 PM
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one suddenly stops and says "I think I just lost an electron." The second one says, "Are you sure?" The first one says "I'm positive."

NemoUtopia
2010-01-23, 07:42 PM
Atoms have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

golentan
2010-01-23, 07:46 PM
Atoms have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

Even funnier given the root word of catholic.

_Zoot_
2010-01-23, 07:48 PM
Oh god, here goes.

[Worlds longest joke]

That's maybe the best joke I have ever heard, or maybe it's the worst joke I have ever heard, I might have to think on that one.

I'll need a print out if i'm ever going to be able to tell it to any of my friends...

Green Bean
2010-01-23, 07:50 PM
Atoms have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

What happens when electrons lose their energy?

They get Bohr-ed.
Okay I'll stop; after all, I'm supposed to be telling bad jokes.

Frojoe21
2010-01-23, 07:59 PM
Warning: You will not get this joke unless you are Canadian. Also, it's pretty tasteless and terrible, hence the spoiler:

How do you kill a fox?

Cut off it's leg and make it run across Canada.

Kumo
2010-01-23, 08:03 PM
Q: How do you make any bad joke funny?
A: Shut up.

Totally Guy
2010-01-23, 08:09 PM
Warning: You will not get this joke unless you are Canadian.

There's an XKCD for this (http://xkcd.com/50/). How helpful.

Frojoe21
2010-01-23, 09:21 PM
There's an XKCD for this (http://xkcd.com/50/). How helpful.

Well, it relies on the knowledge of a very specific piece of contemporary Canadian history and culture that the vast majority of people who weren't born or lived here for a while probably don't know. In the interests of not being exclusionary, I could explain it if you'd like. :smalltongue:

Mr. Spock
2010-01-23, 09:39 PM
Person 1: My Dog has no nose.

Person 2: How does he smell?

Person 1: Awful!

Cyrion
2010-01-23, 09:59 PM
Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, buy the reception was great!


What did the duck hunter say to the hungry pacifist? No harm, no fowl.


And my favorite geek jokes:

How do you know if your doctor used to be a chemist? His motto is curium or barium.

What's a quark bar? The only candy bar with flavor and charm.

If I had a parrot, I'd name him Kane. That way he'd be Psittacine Kane.

Mr. Spock
2010-01-23, 10:16 PM
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assalted, peanut. (assalted- a salted peanut):smalltongue:

Green Bean
2010-01-23, 10:23 PM
Warning: You will not get this joke unless you are Canadian. Also, it's pretty tasteless and terrible, hence the spoiler:

How do you kill a fox?

Cut off it's leg and make it run across Canada.

Wow, you weren't kidding. :smallfrown:

Archpaladin Zousha
2010-01-23, 11:45 PM
I got these two jokes from one of Hank Green's vlogbrothers videos, in which he told 50 jokes in under four minutes:

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and...
A penguin rolling down a hill

What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him

I told these two jokes to my sister, who is a penguin fanatic. She said they were probably the most terrible (by terrible I mean lame) jokes she'd ever heard in her entire life.

Also, here's a gem that I made up myself, of the knock knock variety:


Knock knock!

Who's there?

Banana!

Banana who?

Banana negzbee!

Negzbee was a word that I made up solely for the joke. I was about five at the time, and had just learned the concept of knock knock jokes, but didn't quite understand how they worked, so when I made this joke up, I wasn't aware that the punchline of a knock knock joke is supposed to be a pun or some other sort of wordplay, and just made up a word that I thought sounded funny to go with banana, a word that most people will agree is inherently funny on its own. I used to think this joke was the funniest thing on Earth, and I only told it to my parents and little siblings. The former indulged me because I was a kid and they thought it was cute, and my siblings were younger than me, so they knew even less than I did about it. Don't worry if you don't get it, making sense wasn't a high priority for me when I was five.

EndlessWrath
2010-01-23, 11:47 PM
told a your mama joke to a guy when his mom had died the night before. that was bad. Told him another one a year later >.> totally forgot for some reason. so he was like.. dude... my mom's dead. I felt terrible.

out of bad jokes as in corny / cheesy..jokes..Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie? It was rated "R"! Yeah.. bad I know

-Wrath

waterpenguin43
2010-01-23, 11:48 PM
*sigh*
If you think I'm retarded, you should look in the mirror!

waterpenguin43
2010-01-23, 11:49 PM
I got these two jokes from one of Hank Green's vlogbrothers videos, in which he told 50 jokes in under four minutes:

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and...
A penguin rolling down a hill

What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him

I told these two jokes to my sister, who is a penguin fanatic. She said they were probably the most terrible (by terrible I mean lame) jokes she'd ever heard in her entire life.


Am I your long-lost sister or something?

DrakebloodIV
2010-01-23, 11:53 PM
Two Irishmen walk out of a bar....

Whats the difference between your mother and a lightbulb?
-I can unscrew a lightbulb afterwards.

*insert any dead baby joke here*

Why'd the chicken cross the road
-To beat the crap out of the guy who writes these

One time, I was at the park, and I met this girl. She was walking her dog, so I said "Can I pet your dog?" She said "He doesn't bite", and I said "LIAR!! How does he eat?"

Programmer found dead in shower, holding shampoo bottle that says "lather, rinse, repeat"

golentan
2010-01-23, 11:58 PM
I told this one to a friend at dinner once.

Me: What's the main difference between you and a chainsaw?

Them: What?

Me: I haven't disassembled you, wrapped you in a tarp, and stuck you in the trunk of my car yet. *Smiles*

Them: Eh... Heheh... You're kidding, right?

Me: *Takes drink, smiles again*

Them: Waiter, Check please?

Jkoshe
2010-01-24, 12:15 AM
Chemistry Joke:

Two scientist walks into a bar the first ones says the to bartender. I'd like an H20 the second one says I'd like an H20 too, the second one died.


(longer joke)

Wanna hear a dirty joke:

Timmy played in the mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke:

Timmy had a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a really dirty joke:

Bubbles was the girl next door.

At least I think that's how it goes.

RabbitHoleLost
2010-01-24, 12:18 AM
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Blaine.Bush
2010-01-24, 02:29 AM
Dangit, Gwyn. That was a really good story, and then that horrible, horrible, horrible joke popped out of nowhere. Curse you!

GrlumpTheElder
2010-01-24, 08:21 AM
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assalted, peanut. (assalted- a salted peanut):smalltongue:

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?
Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Ok, so it's the funniest joke in the world)


Chemistry Joke:

Two scientist walks into a bar the first ones says the to bartender. I'd like an H20 the second one says I'd like an H20 too, the second one died.


That's a terrible joke.

I like it :smallbiggrin:

Dogmantra
2010-01-24, 09:02 AM
Two atoms are walking down the street. The first one suddenly stops and says "I think I just lost an electron." The second one says, "Are you sure?" The first one says "I'm positive."

Later, the first atom meets his friend in a bar and asks him if he found his electron. The second atom replies "Yes, I found it. In fact, I found three, and I think I might get done for theft. Even if I don't, I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle having two extra electrons." He put his head into his hands. His friend replies "Look, I'll buy you a beer. You need to stop being so negative."

www.instantrimshot.com

Schlega
2010-01-24, 09:38 AM
If by worst you mean tasteless and disgusting, then pretty much anything I've posted in the strip slays thread.

If you just mean least funny... then pretty much anything I've posted in the strip slays thread.

Thufir
2010-01-24, 10:04 AM
It occurs to me that attending Ferrum college is one of the heights of irony. ((<--- warning, geek joke))

I like it.

Winthur
2010-01-24, 01:34 PM
I once heard this and told this. In the latter case, I got slapped by my mother in the face.

There were a million numbers and they decided to make a city. They built a great city, full of many beautiful infrastructure. Afterwards, they had a huge party. One night, a man in a red motorcycle decided to chime in for a night. The numbers were very polite, so they decided to let him in. This night, a huge fire awoken them. The numbers fought the fire all day, and the guy in the red motorcycle was gone. They were very annoyed, and a half of them decided that rebuilding the city was too much effort, so they left.

There were 500000 numbers and they decided to make a city. They built a smaller but still a great city, full of many beautiful infrastructure. Afterwards, they had a huge party. One night, the same man in the red motorcycle wanted to stay in for a night. The numbers were very polite, so they decided to let him in, even though they were aware of the risk. This night, a huge fire awoken them. The numbers fought the fire all day, and the guy in the red motorcycle was gone. They were very annoyed, and a half of them decided that rebuilding the city was too much effort, so they left.

There were 250000 numbers and they decided to make a city. They built a smaller but still a great city, full of many beautiful infrastructure. Afterwards, they had a huge party. One night, the same man in the red motorcycle wanted to stay in for a night. The numbers were very polite, so they decided to let him in, even though they were aware of the risk. This night, a huge fire awoken them. The numbers fought the fire all day, and the guy in the red motorcycle was gone. They were very annoyed, and a half of them decided that rebuilding the city was too much effort, so they left.

There were 125000 numbers and they decided to make a city. They built a smaller city, which wasn't up to the standards of their great precedessors, but still a nice place to live in. Afterwards, they had a huge party. One night, the same man in the red motorcycle wanted to stay in for a night. The numbers were very polite, so they decided to let him in, even though they were aware of the risk. This night, a huge fire awoken them. The numbers fought the fire all day, and the guy in the red motorcycle was gone. They were very annoyed, and a half of them decided that rebuilding the city was too much effort, so they left.

There were 62500 numbers and they decided to make a city. They built a rather small, peripheral city, like many in this world, but still did their best to make it a nice place. Afterwards, they had a huge party. One night, the same man in the red motorcycle wanted to stay in for a night. The numbers were very polite, so they decided to let him in, even though they were aware of the risk. This night, a huge fire awoken them. The numbers fought the fire all day, and the guy in the red motorcycle was gone. They were very annoyed, and a lot of them decided that rebuilding the city was too much effort, so they left.

There were 20000 numbers and they decided to make a city. Their city was but a village to. Afterwards, they had a huge party. One night, the same man in the red motorcycle wanted to stay in for a night. The numbers were very polite, so they decided to let him in, even though they were aware of the risk. This night, a huge fire awoken them. The numbers fought the fire all day, and the guy in the red motorcycle was gone. They were very annoyed, and most of them decided that rebuilding the city was too much effort, so they left.

There were 5000 numbers and they decided to make a city. With little resources, they made a rural, agrarian community with but a few households. Afterwards, they had a huge party. One night, the same man in the red motorcycle wanted to stay in for a night. The numbers were very polite, so they decided to let him in, even though they were aware of the risk. This night, a huge fire awoken them. The numbers fought the fire all day, and the guy in the red motorcycle was gone. They were very annoyed, and 4/5 of them decided that rebuilding the city was too much effort, so they left.

There were 1000 numbers and they decided to make a city. Their city was a sequence of small buildings and they lived off foraging the forests. Afterwards, they had a huge party. One night, the same man in the red motorcycle wanted to stay in for a night. The numbers were very polite, so they decided to let him in, even though they were aware of the risk. This night, a huge fire awoken them. The numbers fought the fire all day, and the guy in the red motorcycle was gone. They were very annoyed, and most of them decided that rebuilding the city was too much effort, so they left.

(...)

There was one number left from the entire pack. He also wanted a place to live in, though, so he made a make-shift tent and tried to warm up by a fireplace, really frustrated by all the misfortune that happened to him. A man in the red motorcycle stopped by and asked to stay in the tent, to which he got an angry reply, "Go **** yourself". The man in the red motorcycle was about to say something, but suddenly a green motorcycle came from behind and started chasing him furiously. The man in the red motorcycle quickly started his machine up and ran away. He lost the tail quickly, leaving the man in the green motorcycle cursing to the high heavens for his failure.

What's the moral of this story?

Red motorcycles are faster than green motorcycles.

Zocelot
2010-01-24, 03:19 PM
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

What do you call a cow that only has it's back legs?

Lean ground beef

Solaris
2010-01-24, 03:44 PM
*Shaggy dog story*

Everybody knows da red 'uns go fasta.

I'd say this one earned me a special place in hell. We'd just gotten back from a mission that had gone... poorly. A buddy had an accident with a .50-cal, lost most of his hand including two fingers. I was the one who cleaned it up, being that I had a strong stomach for this kind of thing and wasn't in his section. A guy sees me later that day, asks if I'm doing alright.
I look at my hands, hold 'em up, say "Well, I can still count past eight."

GenPol
2010-01-24, 04:08 PM
To make any pun even worse, respond "That's so punny!"
....Get it?

sofawall
2010-01-24, 04:16 PM
"If it was any colder outside, I'd be shakin' like a Haitian!"

Not me, but the teller almost got slapped when he said it. Also, there was a Major in the room who had done service in Haiti, so he was lucky only a few people heard him.

Munsi
2010-01-24, 05:54 PM
To make any pun even worse, respond "That's so punny!"
....Get it?

a girl i know used to always say "get it?" back to the person telling her a joke. the responce would range from confusion to anger.

worst joke i ever told?
q) why do lobsters never share
a) because they're shellfish

q) why was santa afraid the toys wouldn't be ready in time for christmas?
a) because he had low elf-esteem

RabbitHoleLost
2010-01-24, 06:18 PM
What do you call a cow that only has it's back legs?

Lean ground beef
Most awesome.

CapedLuigiYoshi
2010-01-24, 07:26 PM
Some 8 years ago, I tried to make up a joke on the spot. The result was this:

Me: Why did the catterpillar cross the road?
Other person: Why?
Me: Uh... um... because... he... did. Becuase he did.

That said, my younger brother is a frequent user of the "your mom" turnarounds. Let that sink in.

Solaris
2010-01-24, 07:28 PM
Some 8 years ago, I tried to make up a joke on the spot. The result was this:

Me: Why did the catterpillar cross the road?
Other person: Why?
Me: Uh... um... because... he... did. Becuase he did.

That said, my younger brother is a frequent user of the "your mom" turnarounds. Let that sink in.

So... your family is genetically unfunny. I feel your pain.

CapedLuigiYoshi
2010-01-24, 07:33 PM
So... your family is genetically unfunny. I feel your pain.

Hey, I've gotten a LOT better in those years. Granted, my stuff isn't the epitome of good humor, but you can tell I tried.

And my brother an be funny. He just uses the "your mom" turnaround a lot.

Forrestfire
2010-01-24, 08:03 PM
Mine was pretty recent:

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"I eat mop." (pronounced quickly so it sounds like a name)
"I eat mop who?"

:smallbiggrin:

The person I told it to said afterwards that he realized what he was saying, but it was too late to stop the words from falling out of his mouth.

Anuan
2010-01-24, 08:46 PM
Everybody knows da red 'uns go fasta.

I'd say this one earned me a special place in hell. We'd just gotten back from a mission that had gone... poorly. A buddy had an accident with a .50-cal, lost most of his hand including two fingers. I was the one who cleaned it up, being that I had a strong stomach for this kind of thing and wasn't in his section. A guy sees me later that day, asks if I'm doing alright.
I look at my hands, hold 'em up, say "Well, I can still count past eight."

...Dammit, I laughed. Maybe cause it reminded me of a Red Dwarf episode, but I laughed.

Hell Puppi
2010-01-24, 08:52 PM
The first joke I learned as a kid:

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?

Because it wanted a mushy tushy.




...I don't get it either.

RandomNPC
2010-01-24, 10:25 PM
My vampire joke would get me banned, hunted down, and harmed...

but have I told you the memory joke?
I'll tell you when i remember.

Grimlock
2010-01-25, 08:31 AM
Me: Ask me if I'm a fireman.
Them: Are you a fireman?
Me: No!

I don't know why I find this so funny, but I just do...no one else seems to though

KuReshtin
2010-01-25, 09:11 AM
When I grew up, we had a period when everyone was telling "All the kids..." jokes. They were usually pretty bad, something bad always happened to the kid mentioned and the punchline was a rhyme of the singled out kid's name.

it's a bit difficult to translate from Swedish into English (and it was a loooooong time ago) but this is the kind of jokes that were told:

"All the kids played with hand grenades, except for Claire, cause she's over there, there, there, there and there.."

Then of course, we had Dennis, one of our mates, who just felt these jokes were as lame as they really are, so he made up his own.
Like:
"All the kids played in the street except for Gus. Cause he didn't feel like it."

Anuan
2010-01-25, 09:27 AM
Some of these in the thread classify as anti-jokes. Which makes them funny. Like the below.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
getting shot in the face!

A man walked into a bar.
his alcoholism and resulting domestic violence are tearing his family apart.

Kris on a Stick
2010-01-25, 09:47 AM
Chemistry really seems to invite the worst jokes, doesn't it?
For example, one from my hilariously asstastic chemistry textbook. The first page, even.

"What do you call a chain of parrots?"
"Poly(parrot)."


I do enjoy the Psitticine Kane one though. Oh so much. :smallbiggrin:

Saithis Bladewing
2010-01-25, 10:11 AM
Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff. badum-tsh!

Alternatively:

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

Cyrion
2010-01-25, 10:33 AM
Chemistry really seems to invite the worst jokes, doesn't it?


I do enjoy the Psitticine Kane one though. Oh so much. :smallbiggrin:

I first told that one on a run with two vet students. I spent the next three miles trying not to be strangled.



There were once three kittens: Un, Deux and Trois. One morning they asked their mother if they could go play by the pond, and their mother said, "Sure, but be careful not to slip and fall in." The kittens went to the pond where they found a log stretching across the water. This was too tempting for three little kittens, and they promptly forgot their mother's warning. Of course, the log was slippery and the three kittens fell into the pond.

And that's how Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq

Calenestel
2010-01-25, 11:32 AM
When I grew up, we had a period when everyone was telling "All the kids..." jokes. They were usually pretty bad, something bad always happened to the kid mentioned and the punchline was a rhyme of the singled out kid's name.

it's a bit difficult to translate from Swedish into English (and it was a loooooong time ago) but this is the kind of jokes that were told:

Oh, I loved those when I were a kid. Can't remember many of them anymore. My given name, Pehr (one of two swedish forms for Peter) actually rimes with Claire (it's pronounced almost completely like pair) so I got to bear the brunt of the one with the hand grenades more than ones. But it's all good now. :smallamused:

Aure Entuluva!
Calenestel

Partof1
2010-01-25, 02:16 PM
Some of these in the thread classify as anti-jokes. Which makes them funny. Like the below.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
getting shot in the face!

A man walked into a bar.
his alcoholism and resulting domestic violence are tearing his family apart.

Those just made my day. Thank you kind sir.

hamishspence
2010-01-25, 03:01 PM
I've been known to try making up my own "what do you call a..." jokes- most of which get groans rather than laughs:

"What do you call a female hammer thrower?"
"Eve"

"What do you call a man who works in a laser factory?"
"Ray"

And also, to say that "the pun is mightier than the sword."

Eldritch Knight
2010-01-25, 03:34 PM
The Toronto Maple Leafs.

Sure, It's not a joke you can actually tell, but just try and find a worse one!

Thatguyoverther
2010-01-25, 04:39 PM
I don't know I think it's a toss up.
Either: "Two peanuts where walking down the street, one of them was assaulted,... peanut."

or

"Two muffins are baking in an oven, one of them turns to the other and says 'Is it hot in here?' The other muffin says 'Oh my God a talking muffin!!!!'"

Shas aia Toriia
2010-01-25, 05:13 PM
The Toronto Maple Leafs.
hngxbngcxbnvc
I lolled.

Eldritch Knight
2010-01-25, 08:30 PM
I lolled.

It's kinda obvious I'm a fan, isn't it?:smallamused:

I live within 20 Klicks of T.O. It's either them, or Montreal. ((Ottawa doesn't count...)) I don't speak french, and I like the 'impossible scenario', so the Lafs are pretty much my only option.

Raiki
2010-01-25, 08:53 PM
A few quasi-psych related jokes:

I've been telling my psychiatrist how everyone hates me. He says that's ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.

My sister's schizophrenic. She called me the other day and my caller ID exploded.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

One beautiful quasi-literary joke:

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

One that was just too bad not to tell:

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest; He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A few jokes for the D&D nerds who've read the ELH (or possibly people who know a lot of greek mythology):

How do Hecatonchereis politics work? One hand washes the other, washes the other, washes the other, washes the other...

A Hecatonchereis walks into a bar, the other 49 heads duck.

Q: What do Hecatonchereis give their friends when they frag a titan?
A: A high fifty.

And, my favorite terrible joke of all time:
Two drums and a cymbal set fall off a cliff. Bu-dum Pish!

Also, I'm sorry if some of my jokes are a bit pungent. You can feel free to punish me. A punching may even be in order.

AkazilliaDeNaro
2010-01-26, 12:21 AM
My sister's schizophrenic. She called me the other day and my caller ID exploded.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

One that was just too bad not to tell:

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest; He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Also, I'm sorry if some of my jokes are a bit pungent. You can feel free to punish me. A punching may even be in order.

ROTFL!!!

okay back to realiy

okay i just got a laptop for christmas and also watched marry christmas drake and josh
so i am totaly obsesed with my laptop and me and my strangeness start calling 'her' 'toshiba' (because thats the brand and is written on top in big bold letters.)
so while im cuddlying my laptop i ask for some lubrecant (for my squeaky door)
and my mom promptly responds with woah woah did not need to know that.
so i say no its for my squeacky door you know
so she says no i dont think i would know considering i dont have a relationshipp with a computer
so i then promptly respond with
SHES A LAPTOP AND HER NAME IS TOSHIBA!!!
all in good humor

also anytime i hear someone say what crawlled upyour butt and died
i say "gooo gerbil gooo"

Goldwing
2010-01-26, 12:56 AM
This one I learned from my Linguist-Aspirant older brother...


Why do pirates like to plunder the Spanish Main?

Because most Spanish verbs in their infinitive form end in ARRRRRRR!

llamamushroom
2010-01-26, 01:57 AM
You are all horrible, horrible people... and I love every single one of you.

Most of my jokes are music-related - comes from spending at least two weeks a year at choir camp.

What's the difference between a trampoline and a viola?
You take off your shoes to jump on a viola.

What's the difference between the first desk of the violas and the second?
About a semitone.

Angeline was the principal viola player for the Sydney Symphony Orchestra, and after one rehearsal she quickly ducked into the supermarket to buy some veggies. She had only just entered the shop when she realised something - she'd left her viola exposed on the back seat of her car! She turned around, running as fast as she could, but even though she'd only been away for a minute, it was too late. She could see broken glass on the empty parking space beside her car, and as she approached, her fears were realised...
There were three more violas on the back seat.

Sorry, I'm a viola player. Another unrelated, but by no means less funny or less awful, joke was told to me by a very good friend of mine, and goes thus:

What is the definition of a true gentleman?
Someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

Lioness
2010-01-26, 03:13 AM
So a neutron walks into the bar and asks the barman for a drink. "How much?" he asks.
"For you?" The barman asks. "No charge."

Cyrion
2010-01-26, 10:33 AM
Two hunters are out hunting moose with no success. They have given up and are heading home when a little ways away they hear:

"Here, Roan!"
<BANG>

Curious they go looking for the source of the sound. They come to a clearing where a farmer is leaning on a shotgun. Pretty soon the farmer calls out, "Here, Roan!"

A short while later, a roan horse comes trotting out of the forest, followed by a moose. The farmer picks up his shotgun and shoots the moose.

<BANG>

The hunters, of course, are very impressed and ask if they can borrow the horse because they've been out hunting all weekend with nothing to show for it. When the farmer refuses, they offer to BUY the horse from him. The farmer still refuses. When they leave, the two hunters double back and follow the farmer home, planning on stealing the horse.

That night they return to the clearing with the stolen horse, whack it on the rump and say, "OK, Roan, go get moose." They wait for a while, and one asks the other, "How long should we wait?"

"How should I know? Let's give it few more minutes."

They wait and call out, "Here, Roan!"

The horse doesn't come back, so they wait a little longer.

"Here, Roan!"
...
...
...

Nothing.

In fact, the horse never came back, and the moral of this story is that a stolen roan gathers no moose.

RabbitHoleLost
2010-01-26, 10:44 AM
I posted this on my facebook last night >>

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
POKE 'ER FACE

Similarly, how do you get two Charizards and three Bulbasaurs into a car?
POKE 'EM ON

smellie_hippie
2010-01-26, 10:48 AM
A baby seal walked into a club.

Dr.Epic
2010-01-26, 02:22 PM
(This is based on a standup routine by Jerry Seinfeld about to be continued episodes)

A man walks into a bar. Come back in two weeks to find out what happens.

RandomNPC
2010-01-26, 04:03 PM
so two dwarves walk into a bar, the elf traveling with them steps over it.

two guys walk into a bar, the dwarf following them walks under it.

two guys walk into a bar, knock knock.

done for now....

Castel
2010-01-26, 06:36 PM
The first joke I remember:

What caused the death of the kid with the stone bed?

Pillow fight. :smallbiggrin:

Zocelot
2010-01-26, 06:41 PM
First joke I ever heard.

1.Knock Knock
2.Who's there?
1.Atch
2.Atch who?
1. Gesundheit

Cyrion
2010-01-27, 10:01 AM
Gandhi used to walk everywhere barefoot, so he had massive callouses on his feet, and because of his spare diet he was kind of frail and had very bad breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Pika...
2010-01-27, 10:10 AM
Me: "Knock, Knock..."

Him: "Who's there?"

Me: "Wait, you actually answered to that? How old are you?"

Kris on a Stick
2010-01-27, 11:22 AM
A baby seal walked into a club.

There is a special circle of hell reserved for jokes like these... :smallbiggrin:

horngeek
2010-01-27, 01:51 PM
There is a special circle of hell reserved for jokes like these... :smallbiggrin:

A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

Bonus points if you know where that comes from. :smalltongue:

smellie_hippie
2010-01-27, 01:55 PM
A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

Bonus points if you know where that comes from. :smalltongue:

Really? Do I need to go tame my grey afro now? :smallamused:

And hey.... this thread is labeled 'worst jokes ever told'.... :smallamused:

horngeek
2010-01-27, 01:58 PM
Do you know why I like mushrooms?

Because I'm a Fun Guy!

Shnezz
2010-01-27, 01:59 PM
In my pre-calculus math class.

"What grows exponentially?"

"... National Debt?"

"Fine, what decays exponentially?"

"...Presidential Approval Ratings?"

UnChosenOne
2010-01-27, 02:09 PM
{Scrubbed}

Anuan
2010-01-27, 08:16 PM
What did the kamikaze pilot teacher say to his students?
"Watch closely, I'm only going to do this once."

PJ the Epic
2010-01-27, 08:20 PM
This ones really bad, so:

THE PINK JOKE

Once, a man was mountain biking (in the mountains, yes), and he blew a tire. Now, he was pretty far into the mountains, and he was a long way from a patch. So he walked around until he saw a PINK house. Now, this house was all PINK. PINK shutters, PINK doors, PINK shingles, a PINK door handle, a PINK patio, and a PINK rocking chair. So the man figures that the person living there might have a patch, so he knocks on the pink door. No answer. He tries the pink doorbell, which calls out, “PINK PINK PINK!!!” The man is just about to give up, but then a lady, dressed entirely in PINK answers the PINK door. The lady is wearing a PINK dress, PINK eye makeup, PINK lipstick, PINK fingernails, PINK heels, and PINK everything.
So the man asks, “Do you have a patch for my bike?”
The woman says, “Well, I don’t, but if you spend the night, I’ll take you to town in my PINK car, and you can buy a patch there.”
Well, the man thinks this is alright, so he enters the PINK house, travels down the hall, and enters the PINK room. He slips on some PINK pajamas, and jumps between the PINK covers of the PINK bed.

Then, a girl scout was selling cookies (in the mountains, yes) and got lost. Now, she was pretty far into the mountains, and she was a long way from a map. So she walked around until she saw a PINK house. Now, this house was all PINK. PINK shutters, PINK doors, PINK shingles, a PINK door handle, a PINK patio, and a PINK rocking chair. So the girl scout figures that the person living there might have a map, so she knocks on the PINK door. No answer. She tries the pink doorbell, which calls out, “PINK PINK PINK!!!” The girl scout is just about to give up, but then a lady, dressed entirely in PINK answers the PINK door. The lady is wearing a PINK dress, PINK eye makeup, PINK lipstick, PINK fingernails, PINK heels, and PINK everything.
So the girl scout asks, “Do you have a map I could use?”
The woman says, “Well, I don’t, but if you spend the night, I’ll take you to town in my PINK car, and you can buy a map there.”
Well, the girl scout thinks this is alright, so she enters the PINK house, travels down the hall, and enters the PINK room. She slips on some PINK pajamas, and jumps between the PINK covers of the PINK bed.

Finally, an insurance agent was selling insurance (in the mountains, yes) and got lost. Now, he was pretty far into the mountains, and he was a long way from a customer. So he walked around until he saw a PINK house. Now, this house was all PINK. PINK shutters, PINK doors, PINK shingles, a PINK door handle, a PINK patio, and a PINK rocking chair. So the girl scout figures that the person living there might need insurance, so he knocks on the PINK door. No answer. He tries the PINK doorbell, which calls out, “PINK PINK PINK!!!” The salesman is just about to give up, but then a lady, dressed entirely in PINK answers the PINK door. The lady is wearing a PINK dress, PINK eye makeup, PINK lipstick, PINK fingernails, PINK heels, and PINK everything.
So the salesman asks, “Do you have a map I could use?”
The woman says, “Well, I don’t, but if you spend the night, I’ll take you to town in my PINK car, and you can find some customers there.”
Well, the salesman thinks this is alright, so he enters the PINK house, travels down the hall, and enters the PINK room. He slips on some PINK pajamas, and jumps between the PINK covers of the PINK bed.

In the morning, the biker is the first to wake up. He travels down the hall and meets the PINK lady in the PINK kitchen. So, being hungry, the man sits down at the table.
“What would you like for breakfast?” the PINK lady asks. “We have frosted flakes and cheerios.”
The man asks for frosted flakes, which he proceeds to eat in a PINK bowl with a PINK spoon.
Then, the insurance agent is the next to wake up. He travels down the hall and meets the PINK lady in the PINK kitchen. So, being hungry, the salesman sits down at the table.
“What would you like for breakfast?” the PINK lady asks. “We have frosted flakes and cheerios.”
The agent, being stuffy, asks for cheerios, which he proceeds to eat in a PINK bowl with a PINK spoon.
Finally, the girl scout is the next to wake up. She travels down the hall and meets the PINK lady in the PINK kitchen. So, being hungry, the girl scout sits down at the table.
“What would you like for breakfast?” the PINK lady asks. “We have frosted flakes and cheerios.”
The girl scout asks for frosted flakes, which she proceeds to eat in a PINK bowl with a PINK spoon.
The moral of this story is that people prefer frosted flakes to cheerios 2:1.
And to finish it off: PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK PINK


:smallbiggrin:

Raiki
2010-01-27, 10:21 PM
@ PJ

You sir, should die in a fire.

(I kid, I kid...but that WAS pretty terrible)


~R~

Wolfram
2010-01-27, 11:10 PM
Title says it all.

I was in the Hong Kong Model United Nations this year, and I was representing the Russian Federation in the CCPCJ. Our resolution, (well, the whole committee's resolution, actually) was passed almost unanimously, and I said,

"In Soviet Russia, resolution writes YOU!"

My worst joke...

Did you hear about the new James Bond film? It's about a meglomanical humorist who tries to take over the world. The title is 'The Man With the Golden Pun.'

Wolfram
2010-01-27, 11:11 PM
To make any pun even worse, respond "That's so punny!"
....Get it?

Every good joke begings with once a pun a time...

... And ends with a pun-ch line.

Wolfram
2010-01-27, 11:14 PM
Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff. badum-tsh!

Alternatively:

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

A priest, rabbi, nun and gorrila walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'Is this some kind of a joke?'

_Zoot_
2010-01-27, 11:38 PM
A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

Bonus points if you know where that comes from. :smalltongue:

Firefly, i really thought some one else here would know that...

Roland St. Jude
2010-01-27, 11:41 PM
Firefly, i really thought some one else here would know that...

Trust me, we all knew it. :smallbiggrin:

But smellie hippie got in the first four minutes and beat you to posting by about 10 hours. :smallsmile:

Zom B
2010-01-27, 11:57 PM
Here's one I created myself:

Person 1: *looking at the food the waiter just brought* Zees ees outwaygeous!
Waiter: What, the food?
Person 1: No, mah accent!

Another of mine:
Did you hear about the flatworm that won the big contest? Eh, it was a fluke.

A man entered a pun contest. Seeing as how it allowed unlimited entries, he created ten of them. How many of them won? No pun in ten did.


two guys walk into a bar, knock knock.

A drum set fell down a hill. Ba dum pssh.

KerfuffleMach2
2010-01-28, 01:28 AM
Did you hear the joke about the pencil?
Never mind. It doesn't have a point.

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.

I have a bunch more, but I think most wouldn't be allowed here.

Zeb The Troll
2010-01-28, 01:32 AM
I have one that I keep in reserve as what I call a "penalty joke". This means that if you tell me a sufficiently bad joke, I get to tell you this one as punishment.


Where do generals keep their armies?

In their sleevies!

Felixaar
2010-01-28, 05:51 AM
Similarly, how do you get two Charizards and three Bulbasaurs into a car?
POKE 'EM ON

Of course, if you need to get three Charizards and two Bulbasaurs into a car, you need to use a forklift.

I actually quite like this one -

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.

Inside of a dog, it's too dark to see.

faceroll
2010-01-28, 06:02 AM
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body?

He's all right.

There's a mind disease that actually causes you to be unable to see rightness. If I gave you a plate of food, you would only be able to see, and thus eat the right half. The left side of the plate wouldn't even exist for you. You could "find" it by turning the plate 90° and eating the right half again.

horngeek
2010-01-28, 06:05 AM
I saw a one-handed man walking across the road the other day.

He was going to the second-hand store.

Zom B
2010-01-28, 06:30 AM
I saw a man who must have been a magician today. He was walking down the street and all of a sudden he turned into a store.

JediSoth
2010-01-28, 08:14 AM
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Zom B
2010-01-28, 12:32 PM
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

-------------------------------------------------------------

A panda goes into a restaurant and orders a meal. The waiter brings the meal out, and the panda consumes it happily. When the waiter delivers the panda's check, however, the panda pulls a gun out, shoots the waiter, and heads for the door. The manager, hearing the gunshot, darts out and screams, "What!? Why did you do that!?"

"I'm a panda," the panda replies. "Look it up."

The manager pulls out the dictionary from behind the counter and finds panda: n. A tree-dwelling marsupial native to China and Tibet. Eats shoots and leaves.

paddyfool
2010-01-28, 12:45 PM
Two waiters, carrying full plates of glasses, walk into a bar.

A-boom-boom-tish!

Cyrion
2010-01-28, 05:32 PM
Why did Jane divorce Tarzan?

Because he became too much of a swinger.

PJ the Epic
2010-01-28, 05:44 PM
This one’s another groaner, possibly worse than the first.


A man walks into a rather renowned bakery and asks to order a cake.
The baker says, “Okay, what kind would you like?”
The man replies, “I would like an ‘e’ and it must be covered in purple butter cream frosting.”
The baker says, “Okay, I will have it ready by Tuesday.”

On the appointed day, the man returns to the bakery. The baker pulls the ‘e’ from behind the counter and shows it to the man.
“Well,” the baker queries, “is it okay?”
I’m afraid not,” replies the man, “as you have made it a capital ‘E’.”
“No problem,” replies the baker. “Come back on Thursday and I will have your ‘e’.”

Again the appointed day finds the man back at the bakery. With a flourish, the baker reveals the newly made, lower-case ‘e’ from behind the counter. It is beautifully done; perfectly frosted in purple butter cream frosting.
“Well,” asks the baker, “is it okay?”
“Oh, it is fabulous,” says the man.
“Would you like it boxed,” the baker asks.
“Oh, no,” replies the man. “If I may, I would like to sit down and eat it now.”
And he does.


:smallbiggrin:

Winthur
2010-01-28, 07:12 PM
"Grandpa, why do girls love you so much?"
"No idea", replied the old man and licked his eyebrows while pondering about it.

:smalltongue:

Kurien
2010-01-28, 07:14 PM
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
...Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there? :smallannoyed:
Banana.
...Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there!!?? :smallfurious:
Orange.
Orange who? :smallconfused:
'Orange' you glad I didn't say banana?

:smallsigh:

@PJ: What is that? Some kind of... anti-punchline?

snoopy13a
2010-01-28, 07:23 PM
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese.

PJ the Epic
2010-01-28, 07:23 PM
Knock knock.


@PJ: What is that? Some kind of... anti-punchline?

I don't know ,but it was Charlie Chaplin's favorite joke.

snoopy13a
2010-01-28, 07:32 PM
A bit of toilet humor:

Q:What did the Mamma Urea say to the naughty baby Urea?
A: Urine trouble

llamamushroom
2010-01-28, 08:01 PM
A panda goes into a restaurant and orders a meal. The waiter brings the meal out, and the panda consumes it happily. When the waiter delivers the panda's check, however, the panda pulls a gun out, shoots the waiter, and heads for the door. The manager, hearing the gunshot, darts out and screams, "What!? Why did you do that!?"

"I'm a panda," the panda replies. "Look it up."

The manager pulls out the dictionary from behind the counter and finds panda: n. A tree-dwelling marsupial native to China and Tibet. Eats shoots and leaves.

... No, just... no. You made a Grammar Nazi joke. You are Not A Very Nice Person At All (tm).

And by the way, pandas aren't marsupials, they don't live in trees, and for the joke to work it has to be "eats, shoots and leaves".

KilltheToy
2010-01-28, 09:26 PM
Worst joke I ever told? Well, it was a yo momma joke and vaguely dirty.

Spoiler'd for your protection :smallwink:.

Yo momma is so easy she violated the laws of physics.

Like I said, worst joke I've ever told. After I told it I was immediately called "a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington".

Zom B
2010-01-28, 09:28 PM
And by the way, pandas aren't marsupials

I have no clue why I thought they were. I went over to Wikipedia fully intending to prove you wrong and I realized I've been wrong for a while.

Waaaait, it was koalas that are called bears when they're actually marsupials. Not pandas. *facepalm*

Cyrion
2010-01-28, 11:08 PM
Pandas are actually related to raccoons- they're pandacoons!


A traveling salesman asks his gorgeous girlfriend what she'd like him to bring back for her from a trip, and she asks for a double-bladed silver-plated pocketknife. He thinks a somewhat odd requests, but doesn't say anything. When he comes home he gives her a double-bladed silver-plated pocketknife. She puts it in a drawer and says, "Thank you."

Soon, he's off on the road again and asks his girlfriend if he can bring her home a souvenir. Once again she requests a double-bladed silver-plated pocketknife.

"Didn't I just get one for you?"

"Yes, but I'd like another please."

"Did you lose it?"

"No, I'd just like another please."

He shrugs his shoulders and goes on his trip, returning with a double-bladed silver-plated pocketknife. His girlfriend puts the knife in the drawer with the previous double-bladed silver-plated pocketknife and says, "Thank you."

This continues for quite some time, until she finally has a drawer full of double-bladed silver-plated pocketknives. The salesman has chalked it all up to the eccentricity of a beautiful woman, but he finally breaks down and asks why she keeps asking for double-bladed silver-plated pocketknives.

"Well, someday I will get old and lose my looks, and you will leave me for a younger woman. I know that I will be lonely and want company, and you'd be amazed what a Boy Scout will do for a double-bladed silver-plated pocketknife!"

Dexam
2010-01-28, 11:10 PM
Two cows are standing in a field, chewing on grass, when the first one goes "Moooooo!". The second cow looks at the first one and says "No fair! I was just about to say that!"

Cyrion
2010-01-28, 11:12 PM
Oh, that reminds me of another limited-audience joke I got from my roommate in college:

Does a cow have Buddha nature?

Moo.

Anuan
2010-01-29, 01:03 AM
Pandas are actually related to raccoons- they're pandacoons!

Pandas are a type of bear.

Red Pandas were previously classified in the Procynidae (raccoon) family, but are now classified in their own family, Ailuridae, still in the superfamily Musteloidea in which the Procynidae family belongs.

Cyrion
2010-01-29, 10:57 AM
Pandas are a type of bear.

Red Pandas were previously classified in the Procynidae (raccoon) family, but are now classified in their own family, Ailuridae, still in the superfamily Musteloidea in which the Procynidae family belongs.

They've changed its classification since I last looked. You are, indeed, correct:

From http://www.giantpandaonline.org/naturalhistory/phylogenetics.htm

The systematic classification of the Giant Panda Ailuropoda melanoleuca has been the subject of much debate. In the past, scientists have alternately placed the panda in the raccoon family PROCYONIDAE (Cockrum, 1962; Raven, 1936), in the bear family URSIDAE (Davis, 1964, Wozencraft, 1989a; Wozencraft 1989b), or even in it’s own family AILURIPODIDAE (Hunt, 1974; Corbet and Hill, 1986). It appears that the traditional use of gross anatomical features in determining systematic relationships has resulted in conflicting hypothesis about the panda’s origin (Schaller, 1985). This is due in part to the adaptive physiological differences between pandas and both raccoons and bears.

The Giant Panda is bearlike in appearance. It has a stocky, lumbering build with a large head and short tail. It’s limbs are plantigrade, each terminating in five toes with non-retractile claws. It has a typically ursid dentition (I3/3 C1/1 P4/4 M2/3 = 42), though highly modified for its specialized diet of bamboo (Schaller, 1985). Like raccoons and their relatives, the Giant Panda may have a reduction of the first lower premolar. Additionally, the panda and procyonids share such anatomical features as inflated auditory bullae and a shortened rostrum (Cockrum, 1962). However, unlike both procyonids and ursids, the panda features a sixth digit, known as the pseudothumb. With this, the panda is better able to grasp and manipulate bamboo. Furthermore, the panda has a distinctly catlike feature, the rhinarium, or nose pad (Davis 1973).

Modern phylogenetics frequently incorporates molecular data as well as morphological characters when attempting to sort out the relationship among taxa. In one study, Sarich (1976) demonstrated that the albumin and transferrin blood proteins of the panda are more genetically similar to those of the ursids than of the procyonids. Another study based on an analysis of blood serum even suggested a procyonid ancestor for bears (Seal et al. 1970). While such a result may add an interesting dimension to the classification debate, it should be noted that such an ursid-procyonid relationship is not supported by the fossil record (Schaller, 1985). In fact, it is speculated that the panda may have a North American ancestor in Indarctos species, which lived in the Miocene with procyonid ancestors Bassariscus, Edaphocyon and Procyon (Martin, 1989).

The most recent attempts to clarify the relationship among pandas, bears and raccoons use mitochondrial DNA sequence evolution to identify the phylogeny of these groups. Zhang and Ryder (1993) used cytochrome b and RNA genes to determine that the Giant Panda is indeed most closely related to other bear species. Additionally, their study indicates that the kinkajou lineage, a branch of the procyonids, has evolved faster than any of the arctoid lineages. It is interesting to note that this study indicates that the Giant Panda represents the first outgroup to all arctoids, and this result is corroborated in further studies (Zhang and Ryder, 1994).

In summary, it is clear that various approaches to determining the phylogeny of the Giant Panda have produced a variety of results. The majority of fossil, anatomical and molecular evidence suggests that pandas are members of the bear family, with raccoons and their relatives as the arctoid next-of-kin.

Bibliography:

Cockrum, E. (1962) Introduction to Mammalogy. Ronald Press, New York.

Corbet, G. and J. Hill. (1980) A World List of mammalian Species. Cornell University Press, Ithaca.

Davis, D. (1973). Pandas. Curtis Books, New York

Hunt, R. (1974) The Auditory Bullae in Carnivora: An Anatomical Basis for Reappraisal of Carnivore Evolution. J. Morphol. 143:21-76.

Martin, L. (1989) Fossil History of Terrestrial Carnivora. In Carnivore Behavior, Ecology and Evolution (Vol 1). J.L. Gittleman, editor. Cornell University Press, Ithaca.

Raven, H. (1936) Notes on the Anatomy of the Viscera of the Giant Panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca). Am. Mus. Nov. 877:1-23.

Sarich, V. (1976) Transferrin. In “Chi-Chi”, the Giant Panda Ailuropoda melanoleuca at the London Zoo 1958-1972: A Scientific Study. Trans. Zool. Soc. London 33:77-171.

Schaller, G. (1985). The Giant Pandas of Wolong. University of Chicago Press, Chicago.

Seal, U., N. Phillips and A. Erickson. (1970) Carnivora Systematics: Immunological Relationships of Bear Serum Albumins. Comp. Biochem. Physiol. 31:799-811.

Wozencraft, W. (1989a) The Phylogeny of the Recent Carnivora. In Carnivore Behavior, Ecology and Evolution (Vol. 1). J. L. Gittleman, editor. Cornell University Press, Ithaca.

Wozencraft, W. (1989b) Classification of the Recent Carnivora. In Carnivore Behavior, Ecology and Evolution (Vol. 1). J.L. Gittleman, editor. Cornell University Press, Ithaca.

Zhang, Y. and O. Ryder. (1993) Mitochondrial DNA sequence evolution in the Arctoidea. Proc. Natl. Acad. Sci. USA 90:9557-9561.

Zhang, Y. and O. Ryder. (1994) Phylogenic relationships of bears (the URSIDAE) inferred from mitochondrial DNA sequences. Molec. Phylo. Evol. 3:351-359.

Eldan
2010-01-29, 02:14 PM
Statistics joke!

So, today, in a chat, I mentioned that I was studying for a statistics exam. Someone asked if it was possible top make bar jokes about statistics. After some thinking, I came up with the following:

A residual walks into a bar.
Says the barkeeper: "Sorry, we don't serve leftovers."

Hatman
2010-01-29, 06:43 PM
aight, how bout this one?

a three legged dog walks into a bar, and goes up to the bar tender and says, "I'mm looking for the fella who shot my paw"

Hatman
2010-01-29, 06:46 PM
oh and a bio joke:

a mushroom goes into a bar, and walks up to the bar tender and says
"I'll take a dry martini"

the bartender looks him up and down and says
"sorry, we only serve people here"

the mushroom looks back at the bar tender and replies
"Hey, I'm a fun guy"

Eldritch Knight
2010-01-29, 11:39 PM
How do you torture a fish?

Dry Boarding

Occasional Sage
2010-01-30, 03:03 AM
Statistics joke!

So, today, in a chat, I mentioned that I was studying for a statistics exam. Someone asked if it was possible top make bar jokes about statistics. After some thinking, I came up with the following:

A residual walks into a bar.
Says the barkeeper: "Sorry, we don't serve leftovers."

Shamelessly stolen from West Wing:

Three statisticians, out hunting, come across a magnificent buck. The first one fires, but has aimed ten feet to the left.

The buck, apparently the calmest beast in the world, hangs out calmly.

The second statistician fires, but has aimed ten feet to the right.

The third statistician whoops excitedly and shouts "I got it!"

Partof1
2010-01-30, 03:07 AM
Shamelessly stolen from West Wing:

Three statisticians, out hunting, come across a magnificent buck. The first one fires, but has aimed ten feet to the left.

The buck, apparently the calmest beast in the world, hangs out calmly.

The second statistician fires, but has aimed ten feet to the right.

The third statistician whoops excitedly and shouts "I got it!"

I don't get it.

Matticus
2010-01-30, 03:30 AM
I say, did you hear about the two old ladies who went for a tramp in the woods?
he got away

horngeek
2010-01-30, 03:37 AM
I don't get it.

He just has to take the average of their two shots and he gets it.

Average of 10 and -10 is 0.

It's horrible.

Partof1
2010-01-30, 03:41 AM
He just has to take the average of their two shots and he gets it.

Average of 10 and -10 is 0.

It's horrible.

Ah. And here I thought it was a joke, and not math class.

horngeek
2010-01-30, 03:46 AM
It is a joke... but needs to be explained if you don't get it.

Having to explain the joke ruins it far too much.

Partof1
2010-01-30, 03:50 AM
It is a joke... but needs to be explained if you don't get it.

Having to explain the joke ruins it far too much.

No, I got it, but I didn't think I got it.

Pyrian
2010-01-30, 04:32 AM
Well, it is the bad jokes thread. :smallwink:

Fiery Diamond
2010-01-30, 05:57 AM
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine.

And my own follow-up:

Why was five afraid of seven?
Because six, seven eight.

I have some my brother told me, but my comp is low on batteries, so they'll have to wait.

Leush
2010-01-30, 06:56 AM
I really didn't want to have to do this, but you all deserve to be punished, you may even receive the death punalty.
.....

What is the pirate's favourite laboratory technique?
RT-PCR
......

3+i wanted to be a pirate and asked if it could join the crew...
"No." Said the captain (translated to English from English: Pirate)..
"Why?" Asked the number.
"You have to lose an eye before you become a real pirate, but even then you'll only be close to being a pie." Answers the captain (translated to English from English: Pirate).
"Lose an eye? What kind of argument is that!?" Exclaims the number.
....

A climber is half way up a mountain when his partner comes off and falls to his death. The climber looks down, unable to believe that this could actually happen to them. He looks up and sighs.
"I was nuts about climbing, but I shouldn't have roped him into this. I cam't go on without my friend."
....

A mad scientist was working in his lab, for the whole year he was trypsinising cells. Every day he would come in and trypsinise his cells, then one day his assistants asked him why he was doing the same pointless procedure again and again.
He replies.
"Oh, I do it to pass the time."

One day the mad scientist stopped coming and his assistants were worried. But the head technician shrugged impassively and said.
"He must have passed on to a better plate."
......

Why did the ghost cross the road?
To get to the other side.
......

One I heard a long time ago.
Once upon a time there was a bar keeper who had a cat. All the regulars knew and loved this cat.
One day the cat was run over by a truck and was no more.
Some time later, the barkeeper is cleaning up after the bar had closed, and hears a familiar mewling. He looks to see the cat's ghost. He is very much surprised, and even more so when the ghost speaks to him.

"Hello Master." Says the cat's ghost. "I need your help."
"Whatever with?" Asks the barkeeper.
"When I was run over I lost my tail, and I can't enter cat heaven without it. Could you sow it back on for me?" Says the ghost.
The barkeeper sighs and shakes his head. "I can't do that." He says.
"Why not?" Asks the ghost, clearly disappointed.
"You know the rules; no retailing spirits after midnight."
.....

Perhaps a little inappropriate, but a thread must remember its beginning so...

In Soviet Russia... ...God worships you!

Concrete
2010-01-30, 07:28 AM
A woman is walking home late at night, when she sees a man on his hands and knees beneath a streetlight, looking rater distraught. She asks him what he's doing,m and he replies that he's lost his wedding ring, and that he's been looking for it for hours. Taking pity on the man, she too, goes down on he knees and starts to look around for it. When after twenty minutes with no luck, she asks him "Are you sure you dropped it around here?". Looking at her as if she's crazy, the man replies:"Hell no, i dropped it by that red mazda, but it's to bloody dark to find your own arse over there."

.
.................................................. ..........

............................

The thing who guards the gates of the land of the dead is troubled. It’s getting crowded in there, people just aren’t resurrecting fast enough.
Thus, his masters decided that for now, only those with an interesting death might enter, everyone else is sent back to haunt a guy named Richter for the time being.

An older, cruel-looking man comes up to the guardian, and the guardian asks him:
“How did you die?”
The man answers: “I came home from work early to surprise my wife, when I found her naked in bed, with guilt written all over her face. I knew the bitch had been cheating on me with someone, so I searched the apartment for the son of a bitch, but I couldn’t find him. Then, I looked out on the balcony, and there he is, hanging of the railing. So I kicked him in the face, and he fell five stories and landed in the bushes. But the bastard was still alive, so I went out into the kitchen; and finding nothing else, I tore the refrigerator from the wall, and I dropped it on him, crushing him.
Then I had a heart attack from the exhaustion and died…”

Rather amused, the guardian lets him inside, and the next man, a young, athletic fellow approaches. The guardian asks the same question.

The second man answers: “You see, I was doing my daily exercises on the balcony, when I heard the neighbours having a horrible argument. Since I knew that the husband were a real brute, I pulled myself up to their balcony just to make sure everything was alright. Then, just as I got my head up, the bastard kicked me in the face, and I fell. Luckily, I fell into some thick shrubbery, and I survived. But just as I were getting up, I saw this huge, white thing falling from the heavens, and then I died!”

Holding back a chuckle, the guardian lets him in, and a third man approaches. Once again, the guardian ask about his demise.

The third man answers: “Alright, you won’t believe this. There I was, naked, sitting inside a refrigerator…”

..........
Feel free to groan...

Occasional Sage
2010-01-30, 01:31 PM
Ah. And here I thought it was a joke, and not math class.

Wait, a math joke understandable by a layperson is worth bashing, but not chemistry and physics jokes? :smallconfused:

Anyway, since pirates are something of a theme here I supply the Pirate Riddles for Sophisticates (http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2000/06/14pirates.html).

Raiki
2010-01-30, 02:38 PM
Amusing, but highly disappointing. Not a single one of those was actually a riddle...


::Is a mild riddle junkie::

~R~

Occasional Sage
2010-01-30, 02:43 PM
Yeah, that bugs me too.

Herpestidae
2010-01-30, 02:46 PM
I have a bitt of a punny nature myself. For example, I was recently asked for some of my Skittles. I gave the person one. She said that she asked for "some," so I just said "One plus zero. Sum."

Siosilvar
2010-01-30, 03:15 PM
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting coefficient of friction.
Interrupting coefficient of fricti - MU!

PJ the Epic
2010-01-30, 03:56 PM
For you riddle/bad joke people:

A boy entered ten puns into a contest. How many won?

No pun in ten did


For the rest of us:

Two cows are eating grass in a field. One cow asks the other, "Hey, are you worried about mad cow disease?"
"Why should I be worried?" replies the other cow. "I'm an airplane!"

And finally:


A mechanic is sent to hell. There, the devil greets him.
"You know," says the devil,"Hell is a real dump. Would you mind fixing it up?"
Well, the mechanic thinks this is a good deal, ecause this way he isn't tortured. So he gets to work installing AC.
Well, pretty soon, heaven gets wind of this, and decides it must stop.
So God goes down to the border and tells Satan to give up the mechanic.
"I can't do that," replies the devil.
Of which to God says, "Then I'm afraid I'll have to sue you."
"Ha," laughs Satan, "and where were you planning to get the lawyer?"


Okay, I lied, one more set:smallsmile:.

Why couldn't the pirate entre the theater?

Because the movie was rated Rrrrrrrrr.

What's a pirate's favorite vegetable?

Rrrrrrrrrrrradishes and Rrrrrrrrrrrrhubarb

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

P, for pirate

:smallbiggrin:

Deepblue706
2010-01-30, 03:58 PM
Ooh, I have this great knock-knock joke.

You start.

Occasional Sage
2010-01-30, 04:18 PM
Ooh, I have this great knock-knock joke.

You start.

Umm, knock knock?

Pyrian
2010-01-30, 04:35 PM
Who's there? :smallamused:

Innis Cabal
2010-01-30, 04:38 PM
Police :smallbiggrin:

Pyrian
2010-01-30, 04:54 PM
Police who? :smalleek:

Fiery Diamond
2010-01-30, 05:16 PM
Alright, back for more posting.


So a rope goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender just looks at him and says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve ropes here."

Frustrated, the rope leaves the bar. Then he gets an idea. He roughs himself up, tangling himself and mussing up his hair. Then he goes back into the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender gives him a good look and says reprovingly, "Hey, aren't you that rope that was just in here?"
To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot!"


...


Once upon a time there was a village of tiny people called Trids who lived at the base of a mountain. Everything about them was tiny, even their houses and animals. Up at the top of the mountain lived a temperamental giant. Every so often he would come down to the village and just start kicking things. He bruised up so many Trids and their animals and destroyed their buildings. Finally, the Trids had had enough. However, they were to afraid to go face the giant themselves. So, they went to a nearby village and approached a religious leader there, asking him to stop the giant. Moved by their plight, the leader accepted.
So he traveled up the mountain to the giant's lair. He said to the giant, "Why do you keep attacking the Trids?"
The giant sighed and responded, "Well, sometimes I get so angry, I just have to kick something."
The religious leader answered, "Well, if you absolutely must kick someone, kick me."
The giant stared and roared with laughter. He replied, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"


...

And this one works much better aloud, and is truly horrible.

Two men were rowing a boat in the middle of a desert. One said to the other, "Wears your oar." (Where's your oar? is what people will hear when you say it.)

Innis Cabal
2010-01-30, 05:28 PM
Police who? :smalleek:

Police stop telling knock knock jokes.

Occasional Sage
2010-01-30, 09:05 PM
Police stop telling knock knock jokes.

You're fired. :smallbiggrin:

leafman
2010-01-30, 11:17 PM
What happens when you forget to debug your killbot?
A fatal error :smallbiggrin:

RandomNPC
2010-01-30, 11:31 PM
So a Biologist, a Realist, and a Math Profesor are watching a building and decide there are zero people inside. Suddenly two people go inside, and much later three come out!
"Well," says the Realist, "There must have been someone inside that we didn't count!"
"Nonsense!" the Biologist claims, "They multiplied, and the third was just offspring!"
"You know," says the Math Profesor, "If one more person goes inside, there will be zero people inside again."

Firestar27
2010-01-31, 12:52 AM
I can't actually tell you the worst joke I ever told; it'd probably get me kicked off the site. Suffice it to say, it deals with the differing qualities of peanut butter and jam, and leave it at that (please).

Does it involve peanut buttering something somewhere? Because if so, then I love that joke! :smallbiggrin:
Yeah, you can't say that joke. Neither can I say this other joke I love about what nine out of ten people enjoy...
I've also told a TON of bad jokes (almost exclusively told bad jokes) in my life, so I'm having a hard time picking one or a few or remembering any. :smalltongue:

Partof1
2010-01-31, 12:58 AM
So a Biologist, a Realist, and a Math Profesor are watching a building and decide there are zero people inside. Suddenly two people go inside, and much later three come out!
"Well," says the Realist, "There must have been someone inside that we didn't count!"
"Nonsense!" the Biologist claims, "They multiplied, and the third was just offspring!"
"You know," says the Math Profesor, "If one more person goes inside, there will be zero people inside again."

Ha! I get this one!

Krade
2010-01-31, 02:17 AM
This one is probably offensive. If you don't like jokes poking fun at tragedies (It's been over 8 years now, lighten up) then do NOT open the spoiler. It is also a knock-knock joke. It is also really bad.

1:Knock knock
2: Who's there?
1: 9/11
2: 9/11 who?
1: YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!

... yeah, told you it was bad.

Innis Cabal
2010-01-31, 02:24 AM
Yessh...thats not bad. Thats wrong. I flintched just from reading it.

KerfuffleMach2
2010-01-31, 02:35 AM
Yessh...thats not bad. Thats wrong. I flintched just from reading it.

Yeah...I laughed

Did you hear the one about the procrastinator?

I'll tell ya tomorrow.

Cyrion
2010-02-01, 10:14 AM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a paralyzed deer with no eyes?

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a paralyzed deer with no eyes being ravaged by wolves?

Still no bloody eye deer.

SensFan
2010-02-01, 11:27 AM
An author, a scientist, and a mathematician are travelling on a train in a foreign country, when they see a brown cow in a field.
"Amazing!" exclaims the author. "All the cows in this country are brown!"
"That's not correct," replies the scientist. "There exists a cow in this country that is brown."
"My apologies, but you are also incorrect," says the mathematician. "There exists a cow in this country that is brown on one side."

Helanna
2010-02-01, 02:50 PM
What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

I just love that joke for no particular reason.

Raiki
2010-02-01, 03:29 PM
What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

I just love that joke for no particular reason.

I love it. I literally burst out laughing when I read that. Got me a few funny looks from across the room too.

~R~

Sipex
2010-02-01, 04:18 PM
In all the world no man was more blessed than Khu, the Grand Shan of Tartary - nor more cursed.

None exceeded him in power or riches, the breadth of his domain, the virtues of his wife, and the vices of his concubines. Such were his blessings, but heed ye his curse.

For Khu, the Grand Shan, suffered from epilepsy, which men call the "falling sickness" - an affliction of sudden seizures, of convulsions occurring without warning.

Like many great rulers, the Shan had enemies. And it remained for one, whose name was Ling-Po, to discover the cause of his curse. The Shan, a learned and intelligent man, was unusually sensitive to crude japes and mindless jests. It was on occasions when he was exposed to such idiocies - most notably in the form of puns - that he became enraged, and thus responsive to his seizures.

Knowing this, Ling-Po devised what is called, in the heathen lands of the West, a "shaggy dog" story - a witless and revolting piece of nonsense designed to lead the unsuspecting reader to a "punchline" in the form of a truly disgusting pun. This particular story might well sicken any reader - and in the case of someone susceptible to epileptic seizures, it might even bring about his death.

Ling-Po inscribed his work on a scroll of parchment inserted in a golden tube, and personally presented it to the Shan as a birthday gift from an anonymous admirer.

Presently it came to pass that the Shan unrolled the scroll. Ling-Po waited, his heart pounding in uncertainty as the Shan began to read. Would the Shan indeed experience an epileptic seizure when he came upon the filthy pun at the end?

The reading concluded, and for a moment Ling-Po waited, wondering if he had failed.

But he need not have worried, once the pun was read. For it was then that the fit hit the Shan.

Raiki
2010-02-01, 09:03 PM
Worst. Joke. Ever.

Normally I would tell you to go die in a fire for that...but considering that's kinda the point of the thread, I suppose you can remain un-crispy-fried for the moment.

But. I'm. Watching. You.

But just to show that there's no hard feelings:

There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

And one more for the road:

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

~R~

_Zoot_
2010-02-02, 01:01 AM
Normally I would tell you to go die in a fire for that...but considering that's kinda the point of the thread, I suppose you can remain un-crispy-fried for the moment.

But. I'm. Watching. You.

But just to show that there's no hard feelings:

There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

And one more for the road:

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!

~R~

Damn, that was the joke I was going to tell, YOU STOLE ONE OF MY BEST JOKES!!!:smalltongue:

dogmac
2010-02-02, 01:08 AM
OK, I have to admit, I love this one (mainly because my 6yo can tell it really well)

Why did the toilet roll down the hill?

to get to the bottom

dogmac
2010-02-02, 01:09 AM
Though.... if you REALLY want a BAD joke, you should talk to a 5you who hasn't quite worked out what a joke is yet. They make Salvador Dali look boring.

It goes something like this

Kiddie: Why did the elephant cross the road?
you: I don't know.
Kiddie: To jump in the CUSTARD!!!!! HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!
you: What?

Raiki
2010-02-02, 12:33 PM
Damn, that was the joke I was going to tell, YOU STOLE ONE OF MY BEST JOKES!!!:smalltongue:

Which one? Because honestly neither one of those should ever really be classified as anyone's "best joke" by any stretch of the imagination. :smallwink:

~R~

Lioness
2010-02-02, 03:10 PM
Two people are walking around a store wrapped in a barcode. A man walks up to them and asks, 'Hey, I don't mean to be prying, but are you two an item?'

snoopy13a
2010-02-02, 03:12 PM
Two people are walking around a store wrapped in a barcode. A man walks up to them and asks, 'Hey, I don't mean to be prying, but are you two an item?'

Now, that's a bad joke :smallbiggrin:

Firestar27
2010-02-02, 09:26 PM
So a Biologist, a Realist, and a Math Profesor are watching a building and decide there are zero people inside. Suddenly two people go inside, and much later three come out!
"Well," says the Realist, "There must have been someone inside that we didn't count!"
"Nonsense!" the Biologist claims, "They multiplied, and the third was just offspring!"
"You know," says the Math Profesor, "If one more person goes inside, there will be zero people inside again."

This is absolutely an amazing joke! :smallbiggrin:

Cyrion
2010-02-03, 10:11 AM
Two farmers are sitting on the porch, and have this conversation:

"You met the new vet yet?

"Yep, had him out the other day."

"How come?"

"My bull wasn't servicing my cows, so had him come out and take a look."

"Did he get him fixed?"

"Yep. Gave me some pills to give to my bull. Said they were real powerful, so don't give him more than half a pill a day."

"Did they work?"

"Yep. My bull serviced my cows, then hopped the fence and took care of Johnson's cows and then Callahan's."

"My! Those ARE powerful. I wonder what's in them."

"Dunno. But they taste like speamint."

RandomNPC
2010-02-03, 05:53 PM
This is absolutely an amazing joke! :smallbiggrin:

so uh.... being in the bad joke thread, is that a compliment? cause either way i feel complimented. Either I know a good joke, or i fulfilled the threads goal.

dogmac
2010-02-03, 05:56 PM
Cyrion,

That joke made me laugh! And I SHARED it with others. It's a good joke!

GenPol
2010-02-03, 07:04 PM
I have another one.

What does a King rule?
A Kingdom!
What does a Khan rule?
A Khanate. What a dirty mind you have!

Tarnag40k
2010-02-03, 11:12 PM
What's more fun then kicking a baby down some stairs? Sticking it in a microwave.

I guess I should put the background that this was while infront of some anti-abortionist. Mostly in response to my friend yelling "give them the falcon punch!"

Elm11
2010-02-04, 01:15 AM
Karnak! Welcome back!

how do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?

A: footprints in the butter.

Falconer
2010-02-04, 01:57 AM
A man walks into a bar. He says "Ouch!"

Thank you, and good night.

Firestar27
2010-02-04, 02:50 AM
so uh.... being in the bad joke thread, is that a compliment? cause either way i feel complimented. Either I know a good joke, or i fulfilled the threads goal.

It was a very good joke. (I happen to love math, so maybe that's why I liked this one especially. :smalltongue:) I shared it with a few friends. :smallbiggrin:

Eldan
2010-02-04, 03:06 AM
Karnak! Welcome back!

how do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?

A: footprints in the butter.

More elephant jokes:

Why do elephants have red eyes?

To hide in the strawberry fields!

You don't believe that? Well, have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry field?

The Grue
2010-02-04, 04:32 AM
Oh man, this thread was made for me.

Though unfortunately I can't think of any horrible jokes I've made recently. I'll have to return next time I make one.

KuReshtin
2010-02-04, 05:48 AM
How do you put an elephant in your fridge?
- You open the door, put the elephant in the fridge and then close the door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
- Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

All the animals were at the Animal World Conference except for one. Who wasn't there?
- The giraffe, cause he's in your fridge.

You need to cross a river and see a sign warning you for crocodiles. There are no boats in sight. How do you cross the river?
- Just swim over. The crocodiles are all at the Animal World Conference.

Cyrion
2010-02-04, 09:54 AM
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

Look, here come the elephants over the hill.


What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark glasses?

Nothing. He didn't recognize them.


Why did Jane divorce Tarzan?

He became too much of a swinger.


Why do elephants have flat feet?

From jumping out of trees.

Why do elephants jump out of trees?

To stomp out burning ducks.

Sipex
2010-02-04, 02:27 PM
I've heard it differently.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
For stomping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stomping out burning ducks.



So a duck goes into a pet shop, up to the cashier and asks.

"Got any duck food?"

"No, we don't carry it." the man replies.

The next day the duck returns and asks...again.

"Got any duck food?"

"No. We don't carry it." the man replies, more irritated than before.

Third day the duck returns and asks the same question.

"Got any duck food?"

The man flips.

"NO! WE DON'T HAVE DUCK FOOD. IF YOU ASK AGAIN I'M NAILING YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!"

The next day the duck returns, goes up to the cashier and asks.

"Got any nails?"

"Er...no." The man replies, confused.

"Got any duck food?"

Zom B
2010-02-04, 03:11 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

What do you call a paralyzed deer with no eyes?

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a paralyzed deer with no eyes being ravaged by wolves?

Still no bloody eye deer.

What do you call an elephant crossed with a rhino?

Elephino.

reorith
2010-02-04, 08:47 PM
i once told a dead baby joke to a woman that had a miscarriage. in my defense, no just no. never mind, there is really no justifiable reason for that. if i could feel bad, i would. :smallfrown:

The Succubus
2010-02-04, 09:02 PM
A couple of months ago, I found myself in a seedy little bar in London. Standing at the bar was this weird looking guy, dressed up like something out of Arabian Nights. On the bar itself was a tiny little gnome playing a piano. Curiousity got the better of me and I wandered over to the guy in the turban and curly sandals.

"What are you dressed like that for?"

"Pardon?"

"WHAT ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT FOR?"

"Oh, I'm a genie, mate. Ask me for anything you desire and it shall be yours."

Being the cynical sort I am, I decide to go for something small scale. "I'd like a hundred pounds, please."

"Pardon?"

"I'd like a hundred pounds, please!"

"Eh?"

"I'D LIKE A HUNDRED QUID!"

So the genie waves his hands and *poof*, a hundred octopuses land on my head. Crawling out from under the pile of tentacles, I ask "What the hell did you do that for?!"

The barman turns to me, "Do you think I asked for a 10-inch pianist?"

Cyrion
2010-02-05, 09:48 AM
One Sunday, an old cleric of Talos was suffering from writers block and having trouble coming up for his sermon. His young assistant took pity on him:

"You should take a holiday this week. Go play golf. Say you're sick. I'll cover for you and do the sermon."

"I couldn't do that, I've got a responsibility to our congregation."

"You've met that responsibility for 20 years without taking a vacation. You've earned it. Go play golf!"

Finally the young assistant wins out, and the old priest goes golfing. Talos, looking down, is not pleased that his chosen shepherd is playing hookie. Seeing this, the deva beside him asks, "Shall I blast him?"

"No, I've got something better."

The priest tees up at the first hole, settles in and swings. Talos blinks, and it's a hole-in-one. The priest is amazed. So is the deva.

"You're setting him up! Now I can blast him!"

"No, this is better."

The priest is ready at the second tee. He swings, Talos blinks, and it's a hole-in-one. The priest has never gotten a hole-in-one, nevermind two in a row and he's absolutely floored.

"Just one little lightning bolt? Please?"

"Just watch. This is better."

Sixteen holes later, the priest has had eighteen holes-in-one. The poor deva is mystified.

"I don't get it. This man skips out on you and you rewarded him with eighteen holes in one. How is that better?"

Talos looks at the deva, grins, and says:

"Who's he going to tell?"

KerfuffleMach2
2010-02-06, 12:19 AM
What's more fun then kicking a baby down some stairs? Sticking it in a microwave.

I guess I should put the background that this was while infront of some anti-abortionist. Mostly in response to my friend yelling "give them the falcon punch!"

And, along those lines...

What do you call twenty dead babies in a maternity ward?

Spawn camping.

Maximum Zersk
2010-02-06, 12:54 AM
I've heard it differently.

Why do ducks have flat feet?
For stomping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stomping out burning ducks.



So a duck goes into a pet shop, up to the cashier and asks.

"Got any duck food?"

"No, we don't carry it." the man replies.

The next day the duck returns and asks...again.

"Got any duck food?"

"No. We don't carry it." the man replies, more irritated than before.

Third day the duck returns and asks the same question.

"Got any duck food?"

The man flips.

"NO! WE DON'T HAVE DUCK FOOD. IF YOU ASK AGAIN I'M NAILING YOUR FEET TO THE FLOOR!"

The next day the duck returns, goes up to the cashier and asks.

"Got any nails?"

"Er...no." The man replies, confused.

"Got any duck food?"

"The Duck Song" I'm guessing?

Worst joke I told?

-What's the difference between Tiger Woods and King Henry VII?-

-Henry stops at seven-

Raging Gene Ray
2010-02-06, 02:22 AM
Once upon a time, there lived a man who wasn't especially bright or ambitious. His greatest desire was simply to go to the circus. When he finally had the chance to live his dream, he was overjoyed. He bought a ticket and immediately headed to the circus.

It was everything he imagined, and MORE! The fierce, exotic tigers that he'd only seen in books and movies...the majestic elephants...the brave animal tamers...the magic...the tricks...the trapeze artists and their SKIMPY LITTLE OUTFITS!!!

And then the clowns! So hilarious! He laughed harder than anyone at their wacky antics, amused to no end! Truly...nothing could ruin this moment...his life was complete!

Then the head clown eyed the audience...it was part of his routine to tell jokes at the expense of certain audience members, and he was overjoyed to see such an obvious mark. Suddenly, the spotlight trained itself on the man...and the clown approached.

"Sir, are you the back-end of an ass?" asked the clown.

The man was puzzled. What was going on...why was a clown in the audience? Why was he talking to him of all people?

"N-No..." stammered the man.

"Are you the front-end of an ass?"

Why was the clown asking these questions? Had the man done something wrong? Was there something he was supposed to do that he'd forgotten?

"No..."

"Well then, sir, you are no end of an ass!"

The audience erupted in laughter...laughter at him...the man's world was shattered along with his ego...he spent the rest of the circus staring bleakly into space...he couldn't enjoy it anymore.

Distraught, he went to his twin brother for help. Unlike the friendly but dim man, his brother was a master of rapier wit and stunning repartee. He explained his troubles.

"Don't worry, my dear brother," said the master of rapier wit and stunning repartee, "for I am a master of rapier wit and stunning repartee, I shall attend the circus and teach that clown what's what!"

And so, the master of rapier wit and stunning repartee bought himself a ticket to avenge his brother's humiliation. Being a master of rapier wit and stunning repartee, he was not as entertained by animals being subjugated for cheap amusement as his brother, or by the slight of hand being passed off as magic, although he had to admit those trapeze artists were rather tasty.

And then the clowns came...and when it came time for the head clown's routine, he couldn't believe his luck. There was the same dimwit from yesterday's show! It was a rare type of idiot who would fall for the same trick twice, and even rarer that the clown would get to be the one to make him fall for it!

So the clown approached the man, blissfully unaware that this was NOT the simpleton from yesterday, but, in fact, a master of rapier wit and stunning repartee.

The spotlights came to a stop. The entire big top fell silent to hear the clown's joke.

"Sir, are you the back end of an ass?"

"No," replied the master of rapier wit and stunning repartee.

"Are you the front end of an ass?"

"No."

"Well then, you are no end of an ass!"

But the audience did not laugh...they did not applaud...for the master of rapier wit and stunning repartee had stood up from his chair, his sheer force of personality and will demanding their attention. Calmly, he pointed one finger at the clown and said...

**** you, clown.

Demonia
2010-02-06, 02:38 AM
hmmm.... 0_o

This Is Patrick
2010-02-06, 02:49 AM
Hmmm.....
...Ah. Yes.

A mathematician walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He drinks it, and orders another. Several drinks later, he asks the barmaid if he can speak with her for a moment:

Mathematician: Excuse me, miss? I think I've just had a revolution.
Barmaid: (Revelation?)
Mathematician: I don't mean to be obtuse, but you're acute girl, am i right?
(She gives him a puzzled look)
Mathematician: Don't worry, I'm straight.
(beat)
Mathematician: Sorry, that was just a reflex.

Yes, it is more of an extended pun, but it is still terrible.

Demonia
2010-02-06, 03:01 AM
Accountants.

what do accountants do when they're constipated?
work it out with a pencil. :smallannoyed:

The "blind" man
This one is OK but i thought i'd post it anyway...

There is a lady and shes having a bath. suddenly there's an knock on the door.
"who is it?" she asks
and the reply is "The blind man, can i come in?"
thinking that a blind man wouldn't be able to see her nude anyway she says
"Sure" and so in walks the man carrying a roll of curtains and he says
NICE t**s! so where do i hang the BLINDS :smallbiggrin:

Also this one
Picture perfect

there is a man sitting at a bar and he orders a scotch, he drinks it and looks at somthing in his pocket, then orders another scotch. he does this several times more before the bartender says
"excuse me? sorry but, what is it in your pocket that you keep looking at?"
and the man replied "It's a photo of my wife."
the bartender looked puzzeled and asked "So why do you keep looking at it and ordering drinks?"

"Ah" said the man "Well, i look at it after a drink and when she starts to look good to me i know it's time to stop!"

Lord Seth
2010-02-06, 03:20 AM
I didn't make this one up, but I have told it to people, introducing it as "the dumbest joke I have ever heard". It goes like this.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
DOCTOR PEPPER!

Raging Gene Ray
2010-02-06, 05:12 AM
Ever hear the story of The Ugly Barnacle?

No, please tell me!

Once upon a time there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everybody died! The End.


I didn't make this one up, but I have told it to people, introducing it as "the dumbest joke I have ever heard". It goes like this.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
DOCTOR PEPPER!

I don't get it.

Demonia
2010-02-06, 05:51 AM
You ain't the only one.

Amiel
2010-02-06, 06:21 AM
What weighs two tons, is shiny and silver and is 50 metres tall?

A refrigerator up a tree

What's green and leaky?

A leek

Your mother is so fat, that when she jumped up. She got stuck!

Fiery Diamond
2010-02-06, 06:39 AM
Ever hear the story of The Ugly Barnacle?

No, please tell me!

Once upon a time there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everybody died! The End.



I don't get it.

Oh, the irony.

SoD
2010-02-06, 03:21 PM
"Please, sir, let me out. Ironically, I've been trapped in this cage for three days!"
"Ironically? Where's the irony?"
"It's the the barsy."

KerfuffleMach2
2010-02-06, 10:45 PM
-What's the difference between Tiger Woods and King Henry VII?-

-Henry stops at seven-

I've heard another version of that one.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa only has three ho's.

Kome
2010-02-06, 11:54 PM
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Boy it sure is hot in here." The other muffin yells, "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Sinon
2010-02-07, 12:55 AM
Knock knock
Who’s there?
A control freak; now you need to say, “Control freak who?”

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I’m a schizophrenic,
And so am I.

Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “Hey, why the long face?”

What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

Lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Bartender says, “What are you doing with that pig?”
The lady says, “That’s not a pig it’s a duck.”
“I wasn’t talking to you.”

Sinon
2010-02-07, 01:02 AM
Sven, Oli, and Leena (Oli’s wife) were at the bar one night and, ya know, they were drinkin’ just a little and at one point, Oli looks around and he don’t see Sven or Leena anywhere.

So he goes outside and he sees his car shaking and so, ya know, he goes on over and sees Sven and his wife foolin’ around in the back of the car.

So, you know, he goes back in the bar and gets himself another drink and he justs starts shakin’ and the barman, he kinda knows what’s goin’ on between Sven and Leena but he asks Oli, “Oli, what’s wrong?”

But Oli, he’s not cryin’, ya know. He’s laughin’ and he says, “Oh, I just went outside and doncha know. That Sven! He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”

Raging Gene Ray
2010-02-07, 03:41 AM
He’s laughin’ and he says, “Oh, I just went outside and doncha know. That Sven! He’s so drunk, he thinks he’s me!”

Leena, smart girl that she is, knows better. Ya think she'd be foolin' around in there if she thought that guy was Olli?

A man decides to go on a hot-air balloon trip and gets lost. He floats around the countryside, looking for any landmarks until he finally sees another man wandering the fields.

"Excuse me," asks the ballonist. "Can you tell me where I am?"

"You are in a hot-air balloon, roughly 20 feet above the ground."

The balloonist rolls his eyes and says "You must be a mathematician."

"Yes! How did you know?" Asked the man on the ground.

"Because what you've told me is correct and technically what I asked for, but it is also completely useless to me!"

The man on the ground replies "You must be in management."

The balloonist replies "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Because you have gotten yourself in an unfavorable situation by your own fault and are unable to get out of it. But now, that you've asked me for help, it is now somehow MY fault."