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Mr White
2010-02-08, 08:15 AM
I've been looking for a list of do's and don'ts when confronted with an Eldritch abomination/horror monster. So far I've had little luck.

There are lists for evil overlords and the likes so I imagine there should be something like a horror survival guide out there on the intenet.

Thanks in advance

Player_Zero
2010-02-08, 08:16 AM
Don't be fictional.

The perfect strategy I think you'll find.

Mordokai
2010-02-08, 08:24 AM
This (http://www.destructoid.com/ten-golden-rules-of-survival-horror-81351.phtml), this (http://freaky_freya.tripod.com/horror_movie_rules.html) and this (http://www.savageresearch.com/humor/horrorMovieRules.html).

Above all else, remember the following.

DON'T HAVE SEX!!!

:smalltongue: :smallbiggrin:

ondonaflash
2010-02-08, 08:41 AM
Also, don't be the one guy on the cast in the racial minority. That'll get you splattered every time.

Also, if you enter a room, and don't see the monster right in front of you, the first thing you should do? Take your flashlight, knife, or bare fist, and snap it as hard as you can directly behind you, thenturnimmediatelywithouttheslightesthesitation.

Don't be the stupid sod who decides he's better off on his own. You aren't.

Syka
2010-02-08, 09:40 AM
Don't be the red shirt. Or the unnamed peon who comes down to the planet with all the main guys.

http://stillanightowl.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/ensign-ricky.jpg

reorith
2010-02-08, 11:23 AM
grab yer sks and go inna woods.

Starscream
2010-02-08, 11:28 AM
Don't drink or do drugs.

Don't have sex or take a shower.

Don't be a jerk to the nice girl.

Don't be a comic relief.

Don't be any sort of minority.

It's not "Just a cat".

Don't be the guy who tells the other characters the legend of what happened in the previous movie.

If a crazy old man tells you you are doomed, you are.

Don't call the police. They will think you did it.

Don't be a teacher, doctor, or camp counselor.

Did you kill the bad guy? Kill him again. He'll get up if you don't. Corey Feldman at the end of Friday part 4 is someone to emulate.

Don't have only one personality trait. If you like jet-skis, you will somehow be killed with a jet-ski.

Don't be a goth, an emo, a nerd, a jock,a cheerleader, or a member of any other sort of "clique" the screenwriters might dislike.

Don't run. The slower your pursuer is, the faster he'll catch up.

Mordokai
2010-02-08, 11:33 AM
Don't run. The slower your pursuer is, the faster he'll catch up.

Which bring us to The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VDvgL58h_Y) :smallbiggrin:

KuReshtin
2010-02-08, 11:34 AM
Never, EVER say "I'll be right back."

Umael
2010-02-08, 11:56 AM
Never, EVER say "I'll be right back."

DO say "I'll be back" in your best Schwarzengger accent.

Faulty
2010-02-08, 12:02 PM
Be a nice, white, blonde woman.

The Vorpal Tribble
2010-02-08, 12:16 PM
Which bring us to The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon
Omg... that is so frickin disturbing. I mean, Slender man, eat your heart out.

ondonaflash
2010-02-08, 12:18 PM
Be the virginal brunette! (Ipso Facto: I'd be the cynical jackass who dies last)

The Vorpal Tribble
2010-02-08, 12:19 PM
(Ipso Facto: I'd be the cynical jackass who dies last)
I'm the one who you're all running from.

And I'll be back. Again. And again. And again...

Starscream
2010-02-08, 01:16 PM
I'm the one who you're all running from.

And I'll be back. Again. And again. And again...

That's the worst fate of all. Sure, you start out as a complete badass, but with every passing sequel you become less and less intimidating, and more ludicrous.

Those day players you slaughtered are through suffering, but you get to lurch back to life for film after shameless film, becoming a pop culture joke and having little kids who aren't even allowed to watch your movies dress up as you for Halloween because you are that silly. It was you or a Power Ranger, and your costume was cheaper at the pharmacy.

Attempts to revitalize you fail miserably. They put you in space. They put you in Da' Hood. The bring back a few cast members from the original for an anniversary film. But you're just not scary anymore.

Then you fall dormant, and 10-15 years later they decide to remake your first film because they are "such big fans", which is why the reboot firmly suggests that none of the film-makers have ever seen anything you've done. Critics will despise it, but it will make enough money to get an even worse sequel.

And so the cycle begins anew, except that the new generation of fans can no longer remember why you were considered cool and scary to begin with.

Emperor Ing
2010-02-08, 01:21 PM
My rules are simple

- never, under any circumstances put yourself in a position where you have to run. Ever
- Be a respectable and likeable NAMED individual who is able to command respect from their companions. Trust me this goes a long way.
- Shotguns are overkill and they're a bitch to reload. A bat or a pistol is just as effective.
- By extension of rule 3, assault rifles should ALWAYS be set to single-fire. If not applicable, fire in short controlled bursts.
- If your pistol(s) have a clip that is larger than 15 bullets and you had to figure that out that the hard way, stop what you're doing and RUN!!!

CarpeGuitarrem
2010-02-08, 01:34 PM
Bring a 3.5 caster.

The Vorpal Tribble
2010-02-08, 01:36 PM
That's the worst fate of all. Sure, you start out as a complete badass, but with every passing sequel you become less and less intimidating, and more ludicrous.

Those day players you slaughtered are through suffering, but you get to lurch back to life for film after shameless film, becoming a pop culture joke and having little kids who aren't even allowed to watch your movies dress up as you for Halloween because you are that silly. It was you or a Power Ranger, and your costume was cheaper at the pharmacy.

Attempts to revitalize you fail miserably. They put you in space. They put you in Da' Hood. The bring back a few cast members from the original for an anniversary film. But you're just not scary anymore.

Then you fall dormant, and 10-15 years later they decide to remake your first film because they are "such big fans", which is why the reboot firmly suggests that none of the film-makers have ever seen anything you've done. Critics will despise it, but it will make enough money to get an even worse sequel.

And so the cycle begins anew, except that the new generation of fans can no longer remember why you were considered cool and scary to begin with.
Says the head before I rip it off with a single bite. You're not wrong... you're just not alive.

chiasaur11
2010-02-08, 01:40 PM
Don't, whatever you do, be something of a badass.

Not a badass at all? You've got a chance, even if it's a slim one. Being a total Talahassee Florida or Ashley Williams level badass? Better chance.

Falling in the middle ground? You're just tough enough for it to seem shocking when you get eviscerated. Avoid that.

FoE
2010-02-08, 01:40 PM
Never read any books unless the baddie has already appeared and you've been told that the key to defeating him lies in said book. If the book is binded in flesh and has little mouths covering it, don't even bother bringing it along.

Never assume the enemy is dead (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/OnceIsNotEnough) unless they've been reduced to bloody chunks.

If the baddie seems to be lying helpless on the ground, it's a trick. Get an axe. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EvilDead)

Beware of bathrooms. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ZombieLand)

Icewalker
2010-02-08, 01:46 PM
Loading Ready Run's video, Ways to Get Yourself Killed in a Horror Movie (http://loadingreadyrun.com/videos/view/60/Ways-to-Get-Yourself-Killed-in-a-Horror-Movie). Sums it up pretty well, I think.

chiasaur11
2010-02-08, 01:51 PM
Never read any books unless the baddie has already appeared and you've been told that the key to defeating him lies in said book. If the book is binded in flesh and has little mouths covering it, don't even bother bringing it along.

Never assume the enemy is dead (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/OnceIsNotEnough) unless they've been reduced to bloody chunks.

If the baddie seems to be lying helpless on the ground, it's a trick. Get an axe. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EvilDead)

Beware of bathrooms. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ZombieLand)

On the last note: Rule 1: Cardio.

Rule 2: Doubletap

Rule 3: Ziploc Baggies.

Rule 4: Seatbelts.

KuReshtin
2010-02-08, 01:52 PM
Man, I just need to watch Zombieland now....

FoE
2010-02-08, 02:02 PM
Man, I just need to watch Zombieland now....

Indeed. :smallbiggrin:

Additional rules from Zombieland that I remember:

Always check the back seat.

Don't be a hero.

Enjoy the little things.

Ormagoden
2010-02-08, 02:11 PM
at the first sign of danger and strangeness get in the car with your friends and leave.

chiasaur11
2010-02-08, 02:20 PM
Indeed. :smallbiggrin:

Additional rules from Zombieland that I remember:

Always check the back seat.

Don't be a hero.

Enjoy the little things.

Other rules:

Always have a way out.

Limber up.

LurkerInPlayground
2010-02-08, 02:20 PM
DON'T HAVE SEX!!!

:smalltongue: :smallbiggrin:
That's gothic or American slasher-fic horror.

Because an unhealthy preoccupation with the sex lives of other people is psychological.

Ellardin
2010-02-08, 02:32 PM
Omg... that is so frickin disturbing. I mean, Slender man, eat your heart out.

NOOOOO, NOT AGAIN :smallfrown:

chiasaur11
2010-02-08, 02:52 PM
Which bring us to The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VDvgL58h_Y) :smallbiggrin:

This leads us to a paradox. If your foe is faster than a human, run. If it's slower, amble. The latter ensures comedic tone, a nice booster to survival odds.

Mr White
2010-02-08, 03:03 PM
These answers are pure gold.

Thanks.

KuReshtin
2010-02-08, 03:43 PM
Zombieland rules: (Did a quick runthrough of the movie again to find them)

#1 - Cardio
#2 - Double Tap
#3 - Beware of bathrooms
#4 - Seatbelts
#17 - Don't be a hero
#18 - Limber up
#22 - When in doubt, know your way out
#31 - Check the back seat
#32 - Enjoy the little things


I've possibly missed one or two, but those were the ones I found.

Herpestidae
2010-02-08, 03:48 PM
If you are being chased, always keep your eyes on the monster. This is best achieved with a partner, standing back-to-back and locking elbows.

Force
2010-02-08, 03:49 PM
I've never understood why people in zombie films don't bother finding armor (or armor-like substances). I doubt the average zombie is capable of biting through the chainmail suit I'm working on now, nor the leather motorcycle gear I've got (more trust in the first than the second).

So, good rule: Wear armor!

Innis Cabal
2010-02-08, 04:13 PM
I've never understood why people in zombie films don't bother finding armor (or armor-like substances). I doubt the average zombie is capable of biting through the chainmail suit I'm working on now, nor the leather motorcycle gear I've got (more trust in the first than the second).

So, good rule: Wear armor!

Because its heavy. Its hard to run with. It tires you out. And not everyone has access to chain mail. Oh, their also -terrified-. That tends to make all thought about defense other then "RUN" go right out the window.

Icewalker
2010-02-08, 04:22 PM
Also depends on how it spreads. If it's only by bite that works, but there are other cases. But yeah, full cover of bite-proof armor is a good method.

Penguinsushi
2010-02-08, 04:23 PM
For my 2c, I'd say a game or two of Grave Robbers from Outer Space (http://www.zmangames.com/cardgames/graverobbers.htm) will give you a good idea of what to expect and what you may or may not want to do...

~PS

Renegade Paladin
2010-02-08, 04:24 PM
Which bring us to The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VDvgL58h_Y) :smallbiggrin:
Comedy gold. :smallbiggrin:

FoE
2010-02-08, 04:32 PM
Because its heavy. Its hard to run with. It tires you out. And not everyone has access to chain mail.

And as for the armour that people do have access to ... well, ask the SWAT zombies from Left 4 Dead how well their vests stood up to zombies.

The Vorpal Tribble
2010-02-08, 04:32 PM
Man, I just need to watch Zombieland now....
Yes. Yes you do.

It's so much fun. I don't know of any other movie where I've watched it like every day since buying it :smallamused:

KuReshtin
2010-02-08, 05:00 PM
Yes. Yes you do.

It's so much fun. I don't know of any other movie where I've watched it like every day since buying it :smallamused:

First time I watched it, it was at the cinema as part of a triple header Saturday. My pals and I watched District 9, Surrogates and Zombieland one after the other.
On the way home, the other two were briefly discussed, but about 90% of the travel back home we were talking about Zombieland.
Pure awesome.

Zocelot
2010-02-08, 05:39 PM
Never show any sign of genre savviness or joke about how what you're doing is just like a horror movie.

Closak
2010-02-14, 04:41 PM
Never wear high-heeled shoes, seriously, don't. You fall and sprain your ankle for sure.

Aim for the head, aim for the goddamn head you good for noth-
And now you are dead because you didn't listen to me, if you had aimed for the head like i told you then you would have killed that thing before it got close enough to bite.

Never fight amongst yourselves, for when the survivors fight with each other, bad things happen.

If you happen to end up with a baby of whatever race the monster is and it isn't actively hostile against you then you will want to threat it well, maybe it return the favor and save your ass at some point.
Or it might give you super powers, which is also a good thing provided you don't go bonkers in the process.

Solaris
2010-02-14, 11:02 PM
This (http://www.destructoid.com/ten-golden-rules-of-survival-horror-81351.phtml), this (http://freaky_freya.tripod.com/horror_movie_rules.html) and this (http://www.savageresearch.com/humor/horrorMovieRules.html).

Above all else, remember the following.

DON'T HAVE SEX!!!

:smalltongue: :smallbiggrin:

"When confronted by a large, animated flying reptile, aim for the wires."

"When flying on an airplane at night, in a storm, don't raise the shade to see what that noise out on the wing was."

Hee.