View Full Version : Alice

PJ the Epic
2010-02-21, 12:47 PM
I'm not entirely sure where this goes, but I'll put it here and if it gets moved, it gets moved.

In short, my Survey of Sci-Fi class has required me to write a story. I figured a lot of you guys out there would be interested in helping me edit it so here it is:


I do hope you enjoy the rather haunting tale of Alice.


NOTE: It also contains a bit of questionable wording, so if you are a younger playgrounder, be warned.

2010-02-21, 01:11 PM
This isn't bad :smallamused:. Here are my suggestions, I'll try and make them constructive.

Double space it, my eyes get confused.

, as one would expect a school bus to be, doesn't really need to be here, perhaps use a synonym for yellow?

who always seemed to be cleaning or reading, this is worded strangely. Perhaps ~, when Alice was around? Then start the next part with a new sentence.

Alice always did her homework, and always got good grades. In fact, she couldn't think of anyone else in her class who didn’t, but that could be she didn't try very hard.I don't really understand what this sentence is saying :smallconfused:edit:oh, okay. Maybe say 'trying very hard to find out' or something :smallsmile:

When she tried to pay him, the ice cream man only smiled and said that she could have this one for free If you could reword this to be like the description of the bus driver, that'd be super.

Alice’s first step towards becoming a witch was definitely the day that Toby walked to school.who what huh? :smalleek: This sentence can stay, but you should cloak it somehow.
Okay, nevermind. This sentence could still be condensed a little though.
When Toby was first mentioned, his role didn't get described.

As Alice, and the rest of the class watched, almost horror-struck, but not sure why, This made me realize she was already in class. Maybe mention that Toby was late.

Toby walked up to the back of the classroom, which faced out into the street, then trudged in side.Mention just how late he isfor dramatic effect. :smallamused:

He spat out the words like they were molten syrup, and Alice could almost see the hate in them.I love this sentence. The classroom description and the dialogue are really good.

It seems that Alice and Toby were very good friends. You ought to emphasize that earlier.

Alice screamed and ran out of the church. This reaction is a little strong for reading something in a book.

then a **** on the monitor caught his eye. I think that's a typeo.

Oh, and one last question. Why did Finnegan leave the book out in the first place? Was it goodwill? A mistake? A side effect of the virus? You ought to explain that.

That's all! Hope that helps. You're a very good writer when you get warmed up.

PJ the Epic
2010-02-21, 01:15 PM
I don't really understand what this sentence is saying :smallconfused:

IT's talking about her grades. Everyone gets the same grades, because nobody can be sad. She wasn't trying very hard to decern which get the best grades because she doesn't care.

2010-02-21, 01:33 PM
The story is great, I wish I could comment on grammer but that was never my best subject.

2010-02-21, 07:29 PM
I read it, and I was impressed, to say the least.

2010-02-23, 09:17 AM
Before I comment...how old are you?

Deth Muncher
2010-02-23, 09:28 AM
I'll be reviewing this later today. I'm an English major-in-training, btw. :D

PJ the Epic
2010-02-25, 07:39 PM
Before I comment...how old are you?

I'll be reviewing this later today. I'm an English major-in-training, btw. :D

Sorry, I haven't been around for a couple days. Anyway, I'm in high school, if that helps at all. Also, great, I would like to hear your input. :smallbiggrin: