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Makensha
2010-04-08, 06:55 PM
I've entered a little poetry contest (first place gets a twenty dollar gift card), and I decided to pull out an old poem and revise it.


My Ears are Bleeding

I have an awful headache,
And you are the only cause.
I hear what you say to me,
But you must not come in clear,
So go and scream in my ear.

I understand the problem,
And I realize who to blame.
It burns inside my stomach.
I refuse to gasp for air.

I suffocate.

But what I know never comes out clear,
So go ahead and scream in my ear.

Bled by my own crooked knife,
I cower while you stab me.
Never crying out of pain.
Frozen in fear of the shame

For the future holds what I can not bear.
I understand what you're saying quite clear,
And yet I still let you scream in my ear.

Any constructive comments are welcome on where I can improve.

WarKitty
2010-04-09, 04:15 PM
I've entered a little poetry contest (first place gets a twenty dollar gift card), and I decided to pull out an old poem and revise it.


My Ears are Bleeding

I have an awful headache,
And you are the only cause.
I hear what you say to me,
But you must not come in clear,
So go and scream in my ear.

I understand the problem,
And I realize who to blame.
It burns inside my stomach.
I refuse to gasp for air.

I suffocate.

But what I know never comes out clear,
So go ahead and scream in my ear.

Bled by my own crooked knife,
I cower while you stab me.
Never crying out of pain.
Frozen in fear of the shame

For the future holds what I can not bear.
I understand what you're saying quite clear,
And yet I still let you scream in my ear.

Any constructive comments are welcome on where I can improve.

I like your use of metaphor/imagery here. However I might try to work on the rhyme scheme a bit. Right now it kind of sounds like you were trying to make it rhyme but got lazy on some lines and forgot. Try to make it sound consistent.