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xelliea
2010-06-09, 04:51 PM
This is a story I have been doing for a while and it was part of Stories In The Playground, but since that was banned I had no place to put this. So please comment and enjoy.


Here is a banner and OOTS style characters by licoot (anyone can use the banner if they wish).

http://i867.photobucket.com/albums/ab238/licoot/minta.png?t=1276021243 Minta.
http://i867.photobucket.com/albums/ab238/licoot/coffeeinc.png?t=1276021329 Coffee.
http://i867.photobucket.com/albums/ab238/licoot/preyofthenightguy.png?t=1276374028 Darkan.
http://i867.photobucket.com/albums/ab238/licoot/preyofthenight.png?t=1276118154

Prey of the Night

Chapter 1.



The Ruins she was living in were not the best place to stay but Coffee knew they were the best she could find in this post apocalyptic world, her long brown hair and once smooth skin was covered in mutant blood, her metal suit was rusty and she knew she had to find a safe place to stay soon. Using the light from the flashlight on her pistol to read a book she kept watch for movement, the book detailed the pre-war world and how it had been before the bombs. As she sat there Coffee heard a snap of a twig from the outside of the ruins. She quickly looked up and was sure it was a mutant, as much as she hated killing these mutated animals she found comfort in the idea that they were only mindless monsters now, however as she loaded her pistol and walked towards the area the noise came form she felt very alone.

Coffee had grown up in a small farmyard where the fields were green and the air was clean. She had lived there most of her life until a few years ago, when the bomb destroyed most of the world in nuclear fire. Since then she spent most of her time looking for water, food and shelter that were so rare in this era.

Coffee moved towards the shadow on the outside of the ruins. She quickly shone light on the figure and soon learned that this was not a monster but a human, a small girl with long untidy black hair who seemed to be covered in bits of plates, pots, pans and other bits of metal that formed a protective suit. The girl was also unarmed except for a small knife, but despite the situation she looked happy.

"Hi, my name is Minta" she said excitedly "your not a monster, but you do have a gun, guns are fun and can kill the nasty monsters." Coffee lowered her gun, looked at the girl and angrily said "Guns are not fun, life is not fun and you should be more careful."As she spoke there was a long growl from above as a large creature jumped down from a broken wall and nearly landed on Minta. Coffee grabed her, pulled her into the ruins, raised the pistol and fired.



Chapter 2.



The mutant fell to the floor after three bullets hit it's huge head, but to Coffee's surprise the shots didn't come from her but Minta, she seemed to have been hiding a well used revolver, while not as efective as Coffee's M9, it sure could take down a mutant and for this Coffee was greatful.

"Where did you get a gun?" said Coffee with a slight annoyance in her voice as she holstered her pistol "and why did you hide it?"
"I found it in a nice box, it's fun and I don't want you to take it away." Minta exclaimed happily as she looked at the dead mutant.
Coffee sighed, thought for a while and explained to Minta that the area wasn't safe now and that they would now have to move to a safer place.

Coffee and Minta started to gather up the small scraps of food that remained, then Coffee saw a few mutants watching them, just watching them, this scared her and it confirmed her thought that they had to leave. After they had packed everything they kept an eye on the mutants, left the ruins and they were on the move again.



Chapter 3.



The engines of the NUR dropship drowned out most of the noise inside as corporal Darkan loaded a clip into his M4A1 assult riffle, flicked the flashlight on and climbed over to the open hatch. The deep blue of the young night masked most of the LZ below execpt the few flashlights of troops already trying to take back the weapon factory from the Mutants, Darkan jumped from the plane and started to fall to the battlefield below.

Darkan hit the floor with a thud, pushed off his parachute from his back and moved to a large shard of metal for cover. The cold wind blew in his face and through his short black hair as he jumped over the metal, looked left and took down a mutant with a short burst from his rifle. He saw soldiers being thrown up in the air by mutants as he pulled back to the cover and fired a few rounds into the air.

Darkan ran closer to the building and fired a large burst at a few creatures that were chasing him, he leapt behind another barricade and shoved another clip into his rifle. The black factory loomed over him as he again broke cover to get to the building, he finaly got to a small back door, smashed it open and he crept inside.


Chapter 4 coming soon.

P.S. If you see any errors in the story such as spelling mistakes or grammer, please point them out to me with how to correct them. Thank you.

Darklord Xavez
2010-06-11, 04:16 PM
Good job! Easy to read, unlike most other stories here.
-Xavez

xelliea
2010-06-15, 02:48 PM
I am going to be writing from a different view in chapter 3, the view of a member of the NUR or National United Resistance. I hope to give a less tense feel than Coffee's and Minta's story so enjoy.

This is not a one off or a take over from Coffee's story, it will be a side by side to the other story and I have no plans for them to cross.

Chapter 3

The engines of the NUR dropship drowned out most of the noise inside as corporal Darkan loaded a clip into his M4A1 assult riffle, flicked the flashlight on and climbed over to the open hatch. The deep blue of the young night masked most of the LZ below execpt the few flashlights of troops already trying to take back the weapon factory from the Mutants, Darkan jumped from the plane and started to fall to the battlefield below.

Darkan hit the floor with a thud, pushed off his parachute from his back and moved to a large shard of metal for cover. The cold wind blew in his face and through his short black hair as he jumped over the metal, looked left and took down a mutant with a short burst from his rifle. He saw soldiers being thrown up in the air by mutants as he pulled back to the cover and fired a few rounds into the air.

Darkan ran closer to the building and fired a large burst at a few creatures that were chasing him, he leapt behind another barricade and shoved another clip into his rifle. The black factory loomed over him as he again broke cover to get to the building, he finaly got to a small back door, smashed it open and he crept inside.


Chapter 4 will return to Coffee and Minta.

Comet
2010-06-15, 04:28 PM
Fun, if a bit short at the moment. Not much to go on, honestly.
One small point of opinion: show, don't tell. This is especially true for dialogue, as 'X said angrily' or 'Y exclaimed happily' just sound bland.

In my opinion you did it right, for example, in chapter 2. "said Coffee with a slight annoyance in her voice as she holstered her pistol " sounds about right, much better than chapter 1.

So, uh, longer chapters, show don't tell. That's about the sum of my criticism at the moment. Good work.

Also, is it just me or is this thread being ghostbumped? I see it appearing at the top of the thread list, yet there never appear to be any new posts.

xelliea
2010-06-19, 01:01 AM
Fun, if a bit short at the moment. Not much to go on, honestly.
One small point of opinion: show, don't tell. This is especially true for dialogue, as 'X said angrily' or 'Y exclaimed happily' just sound bland.

In my opinion you did it right, for example, in chapter 2. "said Coffee with a slight annoyance in her voice as she holstered her pistol " sounds about right, much better than chapter 1.

So, uh, longer chapters, show don't tell. That's about the sum of my criticism at the moment. Good work.

Also, is it just me or is this thread being ghostbumped? I see it appearing at the top of the thread list, yet there never appear to be any new posts.



Yeah I know I am a bit bland but I keep trying to get better. :smallsmile:

I am working on chapter 4, sorry it is taking a while.