Support Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier [Archive]

Coidzor

2010-06-10, 01:48 PM

Welcome to the Relationship Woes and Advice thread, home of any questions you may have: romantic or familial or friendship, we'll answer (or try to answer) them all. Three years old and growing. As Pancake says, this isn't a trade economy- feel free to ask if you have a question, even if you haven't ever given advice and don't intend to start. We won't stone you or ignore you or anything. :smallsmile: All we ask is to know how a situation ends up, either in this thread or through a PM.

Here are the basics.

The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

#5- Don't be desperate. You don't need to be in a relationship and the healthiest mindset is one where you are happy as you are, even if you do not have a significant other. Don't stay in a relationship that isn't good if you aren't happy, just because you want someone. This is detrimental to both parties in the long (and sometimes short) run.

#6- Be a couple. Set aside some time every week to be together. Just an hour, if nothing else, where it's JUST you two. No computer, no others. Just the couple.

#6.5- Maintain the relationship. Ask your partner every now and then how they are feeling, if they feel like the relationship is still going in a good direction, etc. Also, make sure you don't hide it if you have an issue with your partner or a relationship. The only way it can change is if you talk about it.

#7- Let your boundaries be known. This goes for everything from intimacy to what you consider cheating to any other thing you can think of. Pretty much if it's something that would possibly upset you or your partner, let them know BEFORE a problem arises. An example would be letting your partner know you consider kissing cheating. They very well might think only intercourse is cheating. Having that known before anything potentially happens is a good thing.

#8- Know the signs of an abusive relationship. (http://www.broadcaster.org.uk/section1/scenarios/rape.html#abusive) Both men and women can be abusers, and if you recognize the signs early on you are more likely to be able to get out of a bad situation before it gets out of hand. It's never easy, but if you know the general red flags, it can help you to avoid the situation.

Here (http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm) is a more general, gender neutral list. Thank you Pheehelm and arkady for the links (I think I remembered that correctly...)

RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

So please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and I'm sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response

-Syka

Now, all that said, this thread needs a better name and I'm only doing this because Syka mentioned being busy all of today.

Previous Thread: 12: In the 12th Relationship Woes and Advice Thread, my true friend gave to me... (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=149338)

Edit: Minor grammatical/typographical editing.

Kaiser Omnik

2010-06-10, 01:53 PM

Coidzor

2010-06-10, 01:56 PM

^: I wouldn't be able to say decisively. But I believe barring some significant life changes on their part you just assume the latter because if things changed that they could pursue and they actually would be interested, they'd contact you. I believe it is not taboo, however, to ask again if one notes that their position has changed. At worst you'll make 'em squirm a bit and wish they had just been direct, hopefully influencing them slightly towards changing their future behavior.

Of course, I'd have to recommend looking in a different part of the field after getting a line like that. But I personally find the line one big heaping pile of BS. Which, when one can smell the BS, more than counteracts any potential white-lie-ness, as it becomes an insult. But, then, this is my personal view of the universe and apparently I'm completely off base to feel insulted by being baldfacedly lied to.

So I guess my question here is this: do I go with what J has said and not say anything to C about G's interest, or do I try to mention G's interest to C? If the latter, any suggestions about how to do so? :smalleek: I'm not so great with this kind of thing, unfortunately :smallfrown:.

Hm. A bit unfortunate with the never seeing them again, but also... liberating as well. Have you talked to G about why she hasn't just approached the man?

It did seem like J wanted you to find out whether C was interested in G, so I guess if you really wanted to you could lead a conversation towards the topic of her and if he manages to figure it out, great.

term1nally s1ck

2010-06-10, 02:00 PM

rogueboy

2010-06-10, 02:07 PM

(I posted this at the very end of the previous one, but the new one was posted while I was typing this out, apparently, so I'm reposting here)

OK, so I'm in a situation involving a couple friends and I don't quite know how to deal with it. Brief background for things to (hopefully) make sense: my roommate (C), 2 mutual friends (J and G), and myself have known each other for about a year now and are all mutual friends.

About 2 weeks ago, I went out to dinner with J, her boyfriend (who I've known for about 10 years now), his brother (who was in town for the weekend), and a couple other friends. While there, J mentioned that G had a crush on C. I didn't say anything to C because I wasn't sure if I was expected to relay that to him or not, but got the impression I wasn't. Last night was G's (21st) birthday, so the 4 of us went out to a bar after having dinner with some other friends. While at the bar (might have been dinner before C got there, actually), J mentioned again that G had a crush on C and would "do backflips" and other such things if he asked her out. I mentioned that I had heard her mention the crush at the first dinner, but hadn't said anything. She said something which, while I forget the exact words, were effectively "don't tell him".

However, things got a bit more interesting after we had all had a couple drinks at the bar: while C and G were dancing, J asked me if C had any feelings for G, aside from just being friends. I told her (honestly) that I had no idea. As far as either of us could tell, C is oblivious to G's interest in being more than friends. By the end of the night, I noticed C making out with another girl at the bar (not unusual activity for him while he's single) as we were preparing to leave. G definitely saw him, since she pointed him out to J who wanted to let him know we were leaving.

Now I'm trying to decide whether I should mention anything to C. I know that J said that I probably shouldn't, and I would normally just wait and see how it played out. However, C and I are graduating on Saturday (yay! :smallbiggrin:) and I'm heading back to my parents' place (~100 miles from here) for 2-3 weeks before moving across the country for grad school. C is going to remain here for the summer, while J and G are not graduating for another year. Because I am going to be gone, and I get the impression that G is very interested in C (both from J's comments and reflecting on her behavior while around C) but that J isn't going to say anything and C is being oblivious, I am having trouble convincing myself that I shouldn't say anything.

So I guess my question here is this: do I go with what J has said and not say anything to C about G's interest, or do I try to mention G's interest to C? If the latter, any suggestions about how to do so? :smalleek: I'm not so great with this kind of thing, unfortunately :smallfrown:.

Sorry for the rambling, just trying to give all the information I can so you can all give me useful replies instead of saying you need more to go on :smalltongue:

Thanks!

Kaiser Omnik

2010-06-10, 02:08 PM

Of course, I'd have to recommend looking in a different part of the field after getting a line like that. But I personally find the line one big heaping pile of BS. Which, when one can smell the BS, more than counteracts any potential white-lie-ness, as it becomes an insult. But, then, this is my personal view of the universe and apparently I'm completely off base to feel insulted by being baldfacedly lied to.

Definitely. The girl I'm thinking of probably didn't think of the issues with that line, but it's definitely annoying to say the least. Leaving people to wonder what you actually mean after they asked for a direct answer is a very bad idea.

IMO, the answer is irrelevant. If the first is the case, you shouldn't be hanging on to wait for them anyway. It's a no, and treat it as one.

If the second is the case, they may change their minds.

Either way, move on (though don't burn that bridge as an option), and enjoy what's happening, instead of wondering about might-have-beens.

Probably this, yeah. I always overthink things and wonder about might-have-beens.

Umael

2010-06-10, 02:10 PM

OK, so I'm in a situation involving a couple friends and I don't quite know how to deal with it. Brief background for things to (hopefully) make sense: my roommate (C), 2 mutual friends (J and G), and myself have known each other for about a year now and are all mutual friends.

I am not sure why J said not to say anything, but I guess it depends what J was thinking about when J said not to say anything and why.

I also seems to me that this is purely you taking an interest in some friends, so this is no skin off your nose (directly) if you do nothing.

That said, saying something or doing nothing are both valid options, although saying something can backfire or it can do wonders. Doing nothing is just... stepping back and observing while "nature" takes its course.

(Mind you, if you feel like C and G would make a nice couple, that is your opinion. It also may be, unfortunately, only your opinion.)

If you feel so inclined to say something, let me point out just three possible options:

1) Walk up to C. "You, C! G digs you! I know, she told me!"
Direct, but J DID ask you not to say anything, and this definitely qualifies. J might well be upset with you, especially if C screws it up and offends G in the process. Also, if C and/or G got word that one of them told you that they liked the other, and you used that to place matchmaker... that might get them upset with you, because they happened to have their eye on someone else.
On the other hand, like I said, direct. Simple. In a way, elegant, like a simple chemical equation for an explosion.

2) Wait until C mentions something about G or C's romance life. Say, "Hey, um, C? You didn't hear this from me, but I think G likes you. Just sayin'."
A little more subtle, but it offers a wet paper towel for a defense against anything J might say about you not saying anything. Again, J might get upset with you. More or less, just see the resolution above, only with about half the volume of volative mixtures.

3) Talk about something which both C and G like, a common hobby, hopefully one which C knows G likes, and one that you like as well (you are all friends, so it's possible). Mention that you will be leaving soon and that C will be on his own to find someone to hang out with that knows this hobby. Say no more.
Subtle, which means it might not work. But then, that might be all the nudge C needs. If it works, you can point out to J that you didn't say anything at all to C about G (True).

Pyrian

2010-06-10, 02:36 PM

I'm not so great with this kind of thing, unfortunately :smallfrown:.It's really none of your business, honestly, and if you're not good at that sort of thing you should probably just keep your nose clean.

Omnik: Yeah, that line is pretty much a kiss of death.

Syka

2010-06-10, 02:43 PM

I've been on all sorts of sides of that issue, rogueboy. My advice? Don't get involved. At all. Seriously.

If C isn't making a move, then he is either A. not interested, B. not interested enough, or C. just too damn shy. I get the impression that C is not the case, what with apparent making-outs.

So that leaves A and B. Either way, it's unlikely you would get C to ask G out, unless he wasn't interested enough purely because he didn't want to be rejected by Girl He Knows. If G isn't willing to ask C out, or otherwise make a move, it's honestly her loss. Yeah, rejection is scary but having it done through someone else is just wimpy. Are they probably fishing to find out C's feelings? Most likely. Should you feed them? Nope.

Also, I hated when friends didn't believe me when I said not to tell my crush. But we got past that whole deal in high school. If they aren't past it yet, they need to learn.

On the too busy...just take it as a no. That is what it is. Do NOT ask again. If she/he is interested and available later one, she/he will ask you. Otherwise, it comes off as desperate and slightly creepy (I've been on the receiving end...it's more scary than flattering). Just let it be.

Now, it CAN be a valid excuse. As I've mentioned many times, due to my current schedule due to a combination of school, job, and internship there is not a snowballs chance in hell that I would even TRY to begin a relationship- even just casual dating. Too much stress and too much time. It's hard enough just maintaining my relationship; I can't imagine trying to build one.

But it's still a no.

Coidz, thanks. :smallsmile: I completely didn't even realize we were in the upper forties. For some reason, I was convinced we were in the lower forties.

rogueboy

2010-06-10, 02:49 PM

Thanks for the quick replies. I think I was just wanting to make sure that someone else felt that not saying anything was, if not the correct answer, a perfectly reasonable one.

Kaiser Omnik

2010-06-10, 02:51 PM

Thanks Syka. Of course girls all react differently, but it's good to know that it could be considered creepy to ask again.

Umael

2010-06-10, 04:09 PM

Superglucose

2010-06-10, 04:15 PM

It all stinks of some complicated game to me.

Coidzor

2010-06-10, 04:41 PM

It all stinks of some complicated game to me.

What? Life? Romance? Oh, the silliness of his two female friends? Yeah. They're playing an idiotic game by involving him by REALLY LOUDLY EXCLAIMING HOW MUCH G HAS THE HOTS FOR C and then swearing him to secrecy about it.

Syka, Pyrian, the *****es already involved him by how rudely they did it.

Thankfully he'll soon be uninvolved by never seeing them again.:smallbiggrin:

Pyrian

2010-06-10, 04:57 PM

Syka, Pyrian, the *****es already involved him by how rudely they did it.Meh. What are they going to do, complain because he doesn't do what they asked him not to do? My bet would be that C knows perfectly well that G is interested in him and doesn't share the feeling. Guys that periodically make out with women they just met are not shy and frequently highly attuned to such observations.

I bought some Ritter Sport chocolate - one Alpine Milk and Dark (50%), alongside some Lindt, Classic Milk and Excellence Dark (50%) for comparison (all solids). I think dark 50% just doesn't work for me, it has neither the advantages of milk chocolate (creaminess and complexity) nor the strength of a more potent blend (fond of 70%-75%, much more and it's too bitter for me). So, both darks were good but not excellent. On to the milks... Putting anything up against Lindt Classic Milk is almost unfair, that stuff really is absurdly divine. Even so, I didn't care for the Ritter Alpine Milk, I think because it's cut with hazelnut paste, which just isn't one of my favored flavors.

Couldn't find Quin's suggestion. :smallfrown:

Syka

2010-06-10, 04:59 PM

Meh. What are they going to do, complain because he doesn't do what they asked him not to do? My bet would be that C knows perfectly well that G is interested in him and doesn't share the feeling. Guys that periodically make out with women they just met are not shy and frequently highly attuned to such observations.

This.

It's exactly where I was coming from. Sure there are exceptions, but exceptions are just that- exceptions. It's more likely than not that he is not the exception.

Superglucose

2010-06-10, 05:04 PM

like I said in the last thread, the last time I saw this was in high school. And generally my advice for the high school version of this was to do your damndest to throw as big a wrench in the plans. Aversion therapy.

BSW

2010-06-10, 05:07 PM

J.Gellert

2010-06-10, 05:08 PM

Small question...

Can anyone identify this kind of flowers?

http://img180.imageshack.us/img180/6818/flowerza.jpg

Also... what is the general opinion on flowers these days? Lame? Romantic?

Syka

2010-06-10, 05:12 PM

It looks like an orchid of some variety.

I, personally, dislike receiving flowers. Oz got me an orchid plant (not just the flowers, which was pretty nifty) about 2 months ago. I didn't mind, surprisingly, but one stem only JUST died (or dropped it's flowers or whatever). Generally, I see it as a waste of money, though, but I may be seeing orchids as an exception 'cause they are pretty and last forever.

If you are going to do it, look up flower meanings and get something appropriate that reminds you of the person. Also find out if they have allergies. That's a biggie.

Starbuck_II

2010-06-10, 05:24 PM

If you are going to do it, look up flower meanings and get something appropriate that reminds you of the person. Also find out if they have allergies. That's a biggie.

What nothing says, "it is time to see other people" than a handful of allegies. :smallbiggrin:

loopy

2010-06-10, 05:39 PM

skywalker

2010-06-10, 05:50 PM

What nothing says, "it is time to see other people" than a handful of allegies. :smallbiggrin:

Once upon a time, I went to a movie with a recent ex who I was still somewhat flirty with. Before we went in, she made sure to buy a big thing of Reese's. I'm allergic to peanut butter. Message very, very clearly received. :smallbiggrin:

Umael

2010-06-10, 06:05 PM

Once upon a time, I went to a movie with a recent ex who I was still somewhat flirty with. Before we went in, she made sure to buy a big thing of Reese's. I'm allergic to peanut butter. Message very, very clearly received. :smallbiggrin:

Your ex is a smart and tactful woman. I approve.

Kaiser Omnik

2010-06-10, 06:29 PM

In my experience, people say "I'm just not interested in a relationship now" when they want to let someone down gently.

Unfortunately it tends to ignite hope in we geeky types with active imaginations. Sometime, in the future, something might change and we'll be together! Sorry, it isn't going to happen.

I know, because I use this line a lot myself (when I actually care about the girl that I'm trying to detach myself from). If I don't.... Well. :smallamused:

I know well that's a very plausible explanation. But then again, it is theorically possible that it only means that one's too busy to start a new relationship, or simply that his or her last relationship is still hurting. In my case, I know that the latter is true. I also know that the girl in question is very honest and almost always speaks her mind, which is one of the reasons why I still am a bit confused about this. I've had another girl give me the same excuse years before, and with her I knew instantly that she only said it to let me down gently.

I agree with most posters in that it doesn't really matter in the end, since if she changes her mind, she probably knows I could still be interested in a relationship with her and will hopefully come to me. In the meantime, I'm just overthinking.

Lord Loss

2010-06-10, 06:29 PM

Umael

2010-06-10, 06:52 PM

I broke my arm. The girl I like (friend of a friend) found out. She called to see how I was doing :smallbiggrin:. I think she implied interest in seeing a movie with me. I caught on after hanging up.:smallsigh:.

There is nothing wrong with exploiting your condition finding a silver lining to your misfortune.

Also, quick! Call her back!

Lord Loss

2010-06-10, 06:55 PM

She called me from mutual friend's house. Don't know the girl I like's real number :smallfrown:...

Trellan

2010-06-10, 07:01 PM

She called me from mutual friend's house. Don't know the girl I like's real number :smallfrown:...

Call that mutual friend and get her number. When you call her, just phrase it along the lines of "I hope you don't mind that 'x' gave me your number, but I was just wondering if you wanted to go see that movie after all." Of course, suit to taste, but it should be fine. Pretty much every girl I've ever met would find that flattering :/

fknm

2010-06-10, 09:21 PM

That is one person and that person is not me, nor does it in any way represent everyone who's had a long, long dry spell without romantic companionship. Again I point you to the fact that those of us trying to make this point are talking about a years long romantic solitude. This is the opposite of relationship hopping and "getting a fix".
It could be the equivalent of your dealer getting shot, and it taking years to make contact with a new one. The fact that you speak of it as "enduring a drought" says it all.

I am 38 years old. I ended my drought three years ago. Are you calling me a liar? Pyrian and wxdruid are also old enough to be far removed from "just out of college" and describe an experience similar to mine. Are we all just full of shine, or is it more likely that you are the one who's the exception here?
From my perspective, that's just 3 random people on the internet. In a thread that's naturally going to be biased towards "love junkies", no less.

That vs. most of my RL circle of friends, some of whom were even in relationships in their teens. Who are the exceptions again?

Superglucose

2010-06-10, 10:13 PM

Small question...

Can anyone identify this kind of flowers?

http://img180.imageshack.us/img180/6818/flowerza.jpg

Also... what is the general opinion on flowers these days? Lame? Romantic?
Those are orchids. Orchids are expensive. That flower is probably around $100.

As for lame or romantic, it depends. A dozen roses is blech, but a potted orchid is nice.

KoboldRevenge

2010-06-10, 10:49 PM

I don't get it.

Superglucose

2010-06-10, 11:05 PM

There... wasn't a joke. That orchid there can cost up to a hundred USD from a nursery.

arguskos

2010-06-10, 11:33 PM

There... wasn't a joke. That orchid there can cost up to a hundred USD from a nursery.
He may be wondering about the thread title (which I'm curious about as well) or (judging by his post in the DT earlier) proclaiming that he feels this thread doesn't serve a purpose or that he doesn't understand why it's here, to which I can only say "uh, ok then?".

Superglucose

2010-06-10, 11:38 PM

The DT? Also I thought it was a very clever pun. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120657/) Coidzor is brilliant and a hero and if I weren't straight I'd probably be ubercrushing on him.

arguskos

2010-06-10, 11:42 PM

The DT? Also I thought it was a very clever pun. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120657/) Coidzor is brilliant and a hero and if I weren't straight I'd probably be ubercrushing on him.
Ah, so it WAS a reference to that film. I wasn't sure, but yes, if that's the case, it is clever. Also, the DT would be the Depression Thread, and the post in question that makes me wonder at his motives is this (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=8673806#post8673806) one. I usually assume the best though, so let's go with the title, yes? :smallwink:

Serpentine

2010-06-11, 12:28 AM

Ok, first time here.

Question: When people say "No, I'm not looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend right now" when asked out, how often does that mean "I am not currently looking and I am not interested in dating you right now, but I'm not saying never" in contrast to "In fact I'm not interested in you at all and will probably never be, but I don't want to hurt your feelings (they might still not be looking for a relationship right now though)", from your experience?I mused over this at length last time it came up. These are my conclusions:

I approach most things from the assumption that the subject is being honest, even if they're not actually correct. (unfortunately, this doesn't help you at all, see below) The person may genuinely feel too busy/not in a good place/whatever to attempt a relationship with you. If circumstances were different, perhaps they would give you a shot, but they're not, so they won't. The thing is, if they were really, really interested in you, they would make time for you. The fact is, they're not interested enough to go to that effort. For practical purposes, this is identical to "not interested in you at all". Someday, they might be swept off their feet by some seductive cad/ette. This does not mean they were lying to you, only that they were, contrary to their own expectations, willing and able to make time for someone else.

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 12:46 AM

Alternatively, just watch the first five minutes of Hitch. That pretty much explains it perfectly.

Zeb The Troll

2010-06-11, 01:22 AM

It could be the equivalent of your dealer getting shot, and it taking years to make contact with a new one. The fact that you speak of it as "enduring a drought" says it all.You're still not addressing the fact that you're equating a healthy romantic involvement with a poisonous and illegal addiction. Also, describing a long period without romantic involvement is often referred to as a drought. I didn't invent the lexicon and I certainly won't let you shame me for using it. By your reasoning, the whole world's a proverbial crack house and you're the lone bastion of sanity and goodness. I beg to differ.

From my perspective, that's just 3 random people on the internet. In a thread that's naturally going to be biased towards "love junkies", no less.

That vs. most of my RL circle of friends, some of whom were even in relationships in their teens. Who are the exceptions again?Go back and read the last 12 threads. Not once ever have I come here to seek advice for my romantic life. I don't believe the other two have either. We come here to share our insights with those who are seeking advice. You seem to have come here to be dismissive of any advice that doesn't match your own. Since you, a) admittedly have never experienced romance and b) have expressed a disinterest in engaging in romantic attachments, one has to wonder what your purpose in posting here is in the first place, other than to be aggressively oppositional on a topic with which you have no experience.

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 01:32 AM

... I would like to add that Zeb is being far more diplomatic than I would have been in his shoes.

Also, I thought "drought" referred specifically to sex. Whatever :smallwink:

Let's see... relationship woes: None really. The little nitpicks that burrow at me don't really bear mentioning. Lots of things I would like to change, but nothing that really can be.

Maybe an update for anyone who cares? B is still like very :smallfurious: over the fact that I can just text K and be all, "You should come over!" and she'll drive the 30 minutes to my place just to hang out with me, but B can't ever seem to arrange plans with K. At the same time, K keeps saying, "I'm trying but I can't get a hold of B." Well, B is saying she can't get a hold of K, and K is saying she can't get a hold of B, which to me say that one or more (probably more) of them don't seem to be trying all that hard. And I can't help but shake this feeling that the only reason B cares is because I like hanging out with K more than I like hanging out with B.

*shrug*

The main difference is my friends like K. I don't think any of my friends like B.

weenie

2010-06-11, 01:36 AM

So, I have a.. situation :smallsmile:

A friend of mine has a thing for this girl. He has been trying to get something going on with her for close to a year, but she doesn't seem interested. I, however, also happen to like her. I'm not in love or anything, but you know.. she's single, I'm single, she's pretty.. So I decided to take her out for a drink, and she accepted. It went pretty well, and we already made arrangements to meet again.

The friend mentioned earlier, however, will not be very pleased by this(I didn't have a chance to speak to him since it happened). I tried to talk to him about her before but it usually went like "you know, I kinda like that girl you sometimes hang out with.." "Well, that makes two of us *glare*", so I'm not really sure what the best way of bringing this up would be.. It is also possible that she may not even like me like that, because she's rather flirty and sometimes just loves to send out mixed signals just to confuse people. Which is actually one of the thing I like about her, but it does cause a bit of extra complications in this already complicated situation.. :smallsmile:

So, what advice does the playground have for me?

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 01:46 AM

Brutal, open honesty. First I would talk to the girl, figure out what's going on. Then if it comes down to, "Yes, let's start being significant others" the FIRST THING YOU MUST DO is tell your friend. No, don't post on facebook about how awesome it is to have a girlfriend. No, don't tell your mom first. No, don't even say to your new girlfriend, "Awesome! It's nice to know where we stand." Ok, ok, maybe finish your conversation with the girl first, but the point is, as soon as possible tell your friend.

"Hey, I just wanted to tell you before you found out accidentally that the girl you kind of like and I are now an item."

Any attempt to hide it will just make issues 10x worse. And yes, your friend will be upset. He will probably say a bunch of things he doesn't really mean. That's just him venting, so don't worry about it too much. Let him vent, take some time to himself, and when he comes back to you and says, "I'm sorry" respond with "No, I know how you feel man. You don't need to apologize."

Serpentine

2010-06-11, 01:54 AM

I think doing it first would be a better idea...

"Mate, you've been interested in this girl for more than a year and haven't done anything about it/she obviously isn't interested in you. I think it's only fair to warn you in advance: I am going to give it a shot."

But I don't have any experience in this regard, so you might wanna wait for other advice.

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 01:56 AM

Serpentine

2010-06-11, 02:03 AM

Looks like he tried, but didn't push it. It's gotta be more than "I like her too... Oh noes! Beglared upon!", but rather a blunt "I am going forward, you need to deal with that."

...but yeah, any other input?

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 02:21 AM

:furious:

"We should do something for K's birthday."
"Ok, how about we meet up in {town 20 minutes away from where we live and 40 minutes away from where K lives} at 3pm?"
"Actually, I'm not planning to be back in town until around 8pm."
"Ok, we're all meeting up in {town} at noon. See you then?"

NO. You will NOT see me then. I can't decide if you're just a terrible listener or what. Also, why the hell are you going to hang out in that town? It's about half the size of the town we're in (which is notoriously boring) and has even less to do. It's also an extra 20 minute drive each way! If you're going to hang out in a town, at least go to Sacramento with her. And why at noon? There's nothing to do at noon!

Figures the plans B finally makes with K are to the exclusion of me. Man, that's annoying.

weenie

2010-06-11, 02:32 AM

I think they've already had that conversation? :smallconfused: Or at least as much of that conversation as his friend will allow. That's the impression I got. But yes, the "I like her too" conversation needs to have happened before the drinks.

Yeah, it's pretty much like that. I've told him I like her, but he seems reluctant to even accept that, so I have no idea how he will react to "and.. she likes me back", should that be the case.

Oh, and another thing I forgot! Today a third friend is playing at a pub in town and we're all going! And besides all the people I mentioned so far that also includes all of our friends, my ex, that I still kinda like, who has been sending over some mixed signals too lately, and a few guys who are at least partially into the girl that me and the other guy like. Btw, this is getting harder and harder to write without using names :smallsmile:

So it seems tonight I'll have a relaxing evening of woeing(sure hope this is a real word) my crush, while hiding it from a friend, and displaying it plainly in front of the competition to shoo them off, all the while trying to figure out what is up with my ex. I gotta feeling... :smallbiggrin:

Serpentine

2010-06-11, 02:33 AM

...
I recommend "wooing", instead :smallwink:

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 02:33 AM

At this point just pull your friend aside and say, "I'm going to kiss her."

And then go do it.

Zeb The Troll

2010-06-11, 02:35 AM

woeing(sure hope this is a real word) I think you mean "wooing".

Froogleyboy

2010-06-11, 02:36 AM

Guys, I have a problem. Y'all remember back when I was after that girl in the abusive relationship? Well, there's a problem. Okay, It all started the night we taught her ex-boyfriend that it isn't nice to hit ladies. Especially if her brother is a sadist and her best friend would lay his life down for her (that's me :smallbiggrin:). But, I digress. Okay, that night, she came over to my house sobbing "Oh my god guys!" she had said, "Why would y'all do that? I love him" Well, after a few hours of calming her down, I noticed that my cousin was giving her this odd look. Now, I'm closer to him then I am to my own brothers so I knew exactly what he was up to. He was thinking of ways to make her hop in bed with him. I took him aside and he knew what I was going to say, so he just said "Dude, your my boy, I know you like her and I wouldn't do you like that" but I just found out, from one of my other friends, that they've been together since that night. He wasn't supposed to tell me, but he felt it was the right thing to do. I don't know what to do! I feel so betrayed! If they would have came out and told me about it, I wouldn't have been so hurt! What do I do?

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 02:41 AM

Move on and avoid trusting that ******* again.

Note that he's not a jerk-off for dating her, he's a jerk-off for lying to you about it. This is EXACTLY the situation I was trying to help the above poster avoid, too! BE HONEST AND OPEN ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIPS. Honestly speaking my vote is to cut them out. If they ask why, the correct answer is, "I don't trust you for crap right now because you lied to me, and then hid the relationship from me. If you can't be honest, I don't want you as a friend."

Zeb The Troll

2010-06-11, 03:22 AM

OR ... you could give them the benefit of the doubt that while their actions were misguided, their intentions were good. Let them know you'd have rather known up front about the relationship from them because finding out about third hand hurt you more than the actual fact of them dating would have. Then do what you need to do to past it so that you can be happy that two of your friends are happy with each other.

Coidzor

2010-06-11, 03:45 AM

Or just accept that... as far as things go, humans often do things intentionlessly. Like mindless worms groping about in the dark places of the earth.

Or maybe I'm just out of sorts today. Hm... *reads back to Page 1, looks at the thread title he chose* Yeah, I'm going to go with being out of sorts. Sorry everybody.

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 03:47 AM

Don't give them the benefit of the doubt unless you're prepared to be a doormat. Your friend screwed up bad, and if he doesn't know that then he's fail. He could have either had the integrity to stand by his word or the integrity to not give a promise he couldn't keep. He did neither.

I am really, really unsure of how people's brains work that way. How on earth can someone possibly get into this situation and think, "The best way to handle this is probably to tell everyone except the guy who has a huge crush on her."? How on earth does "Aha, it'll make the pain easier if he never knows" even cross one's mind? How can someone honestly believe this information will never get back to the first guy?

golentan

2010-06-11, 03:51 AM

J.Gellert

2010-06-11, 03:53 AM

Those are orchids. Orchids are expensive. That flower is probably around $100.

As for lame or romantic, it depends. A dozen roses is blech, but a potted orchid is nice.

This is where I scream. $100 for flowers, in this economy? That girl is crazy.

I'll go plant and grow my own :smalltongue:

Coidzor

2010-06-11, 03:54 AM

I am really, really unsure of how people's brains work that way. How on earth can someone possibly get into this situation and think, "The best way to handle this is probably to tell everyone except the guy who has a huge crush on her."? How on earth does "Aha, it'll make the pain easier if he never knows" even cross one's mind? How can someone honestly believe this information will never get back to the first guy?

As best as I can tell, it's more like wanting to avoid a crud storm from the failed suitor rather than actually wanting to spare the person's feelings. ...They just forget that, well, if it becomes known to others, which, let's face it, it will, then their friends are going to find out and so it's going to get to the guy/girl one way or another.

Suffice to say, panic and the heady rush of getting into a relationship make people stupid. Also, experiencing the feeling of being in love or falling in love for too long makes our neurochemistry mimic that of some variety of psychiatrically mentally ill individual, if that ...meme is to be believed.

So, yeah, they're rendered stupid by one thing or another or a combo of 'em, and forget to exercise a fully rational and mature mindset.

Edit: On second thought, he's your cousin, Froogleyboy. I dunno why, but that makes me instantly suspicious that he didn't do it just do it for the evulz.

...Isn't that the group of people who are related to us by blood enough that they have the opportunity and a semi-permanent, concrete motive to backstab us (shared grandparents) but aren't close enough to us by blood that they'd really suffer a whole lot in the inheritance(shared parents being upset that they've lost a significant portion of their passed on genes)?

I dunno, maybe I'm from the wrong part of the world and all, but frequently it seems more like cousins are enemies or annoying rather than valued family members. :/

I mean, sure, it's still mostly likely that it was thoughtlessness and even possibly initiated by her as a rebound with someone who she's not close to and who isn't a giant snugglybear or whatever you are to her.

But something about him being your cousin just pings my trope-alarm. :smalleek:

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 04:11 AM

This is where I scream. $100 for flowers, in this economy? That girl is crazy.
My mom usually gets new ones every month or so. Then again, she's wealthy on account of being a very successful accountant and she works her ass off, so she can spend her money on whatever she chooses. I was actually pissed off when I found out her husband made her sleep on the couch when my mom wanted to pay for an appartment for me.

I was like, "Seriously mom? He doesn't work. He hasn't worked for years. You work your ass off, and while I wouldn't take money from you because the thought of being in debt to you makes me want to cut out my eyes, that money is your money to do with as you please. I mean, you bought this house outright and the bed he kicked you out of!" Should have said it. Now my mom wants me to go to a counselor with her next week, and if stepdad isn't there I'll probably say it then since it's a "safe place."

I'll go plant and grow my own :smalltongue:
You probably won't, actually. Orchids are ridonculouly finicky plants.

J.Gellert

2010-06-11, 04:17 AM

My mom usually gets new ones every month or so. Then again, she's wealthy on account of being a very successful accountant and she works her ass off, so she can spend her money on whatever she chooses. I was actually pissed off when I found out her husband made her sleep on the couch when my mom wanted to pay for an appartment for me.

I was like, "Seriously mom? He doesn't work. He hasn't worked for years. You work your ass off, and while I wouldn't take money from you because the thought of being in debt to you makes me want to cut out my eyes, that money is your money to do with as you please. I mean, you bought this house outright and the bed he kicked you out of!" Should have said it. Now my mom wants me to go to a counselor with her next week, and if stepdad isn't there I'll probably say it then since it's a "safe place."

Now you see, stuff like that makes me lose faith in relationships.

I won't say don't do it, I am outside and even I get :smallfurious: at this kind of thing. Counselor then? Good, you can use this.

You probably won't, actually. Orchids are ridonculouly finicky plants.

Challenge accepted!

Quincunx

2010-06-11, 04:17 AM

"Today", Coidzor? We are aware that anything you say regarding romantic relationship is to be read as rant, neither commiseration nor assistance. (Then we read your non-romantic relationship advice and appreciate it.)

Coidzor

2010-06-11, 04:59 AM

(Then we read your non-romantic relationship advice and appreciate it.)

See, this... This confuses me. About as much as the idea of Serpentine having had faith to lose in me or regain it.

Super: I don't know what to say. That just sounds horrible, confusing, and unpleasant. :smallfrown:

Syka

2010-06-11, 09:42 AM

I think my orchid was only about 18$ which is actually really on the low end for orchids.

But keep in mind...with almost no care, it has lasted a month and a half with it only not dying. I think I've watered it 4-5 times, at most. And one of the two stems is still in perfect health. They may be finicky, but they last awhile.

Super...d'ya know what I should do when one of the stems dies? Do I cut it or what? I'd like to try and keep the plant alive, but I'm not sure I'm skilled enough, lol.

golentan

2010-06-11, 12:14 PM

{Scrubbed}

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 12:43 PM

Super...d'ya know what I should do when one of the stems dies? Do I cut it or what? I'd like to try and keep the plant alive, but I'm not sure I'm skilled enough, lol.
I haven't a clue XD I just know that it's rare for an orchid to last more than a couple months before getting replaced because they tend to just die.

Aedilred

2010-06-11, 01:10 PM

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 01:11 PM

Pyrian

2010-06-11, 02:33 PM

So, what advice does the playground have for me?I don't like to squabble with friends over women. This is because my friends, by and large, have been with me for years or decades and any given woman is most likely not going to work out at all, nevermind for very long. Heck, I have at least one friend who has gone through two marriages (and subsequent divorces) in the time we've been friends. Generally speaking, there are other women... If I really really like her, well, all bets are off, but that's pretty exceptional.

That being said. There's nothing worth mentioning unless it goes somewhere, but if you get in a relationship with her you should probably tell him rather than having him find out another way. Even so, friendships sometimes dissolve over this sort of thing. It's fraught with emotion.

What do I do?He broke his word to you. (Mind you, that particular sort of promise is the least likely to be kept by just about anybody - and people in general do not keep promises very well.) You have to decide how important that is to you.

How can someone honestly believe this information will never get back to the first guy?Probably didn't think the relationship would last. It's easy to hide a fling.

Aedilred: Can't you just block them? :smallconfused:

Syka

2010-06-11, 02:33 PM

It's not a friend anymore. Contact the police. A friend would stop shortly after you said, "Hey, can you please stop?" If it is a "friend" they need to learn that sexual harassment is five kinds of not-ok.

This. I think it's time to go to the police. If it is a friend, it's their fault for not realizing that your stop meant stop, and it's a risk you take when you anonymously send someone unsolicited sexts.

(And now I'm curious about the range of simile and metaphor you mentioned...lol...)

golentan

2010-06-11, 02:35 PM

Yep. Assuming your phone doesn't have an option to block calls/messages from the O-sender automatically (many do).

Aedilred

2010-06-11, 03:14 PM

I may be able to block them, although I'm not exactly sure how; I feel, though, that it isn't really the point. Given that it's likely someone I know, I'd like to know who it is so that I can take appropriate action.

Pyrian

2010-06-11, 03:25 PM

Around here, targeted harassing phone messages are not enough to get a court order.

Do you have a pool of possibilities? You could call/msg the number while they're around and see whose phone makes a noise. Alternatively, you could forward each and every single message right back to them. 'Course, if they've taken the simple precaution of blocking you that won't work...

BSW

2010-06-11, 03:45 PM

Not a relationship problem as such, but it could become one if it remains unresolved:

I've been receiving text messages from an unknown source. Of the extremely sexually explicit kind. They started about last Wednesday. At first I thought it was someone from work, since it would match their sense of humour, so tried to call back, but it soon transpired it wasn't one of them. After that I tried ignoring them until they got bored and went away, but by Tuesday that hadn't happened, so I replied asking them to stop (mostly in case it were an automated messaging service I'd been signed up to). This made no difference and I received more than ever this Wednesday.

I've told my girlfriend about them (without showing her any of the content, because it's filthy) and she was very understanding, but I suspect if it goes on for another couple of weeks she might not be so amused. Although they were kind of funny at first (the range of simile and metaphor is quite imaginative) I am getting rather annoyed with them too.

I genuinely don't have any idea who it could be. I can't think of anyone I know who I've spoken to for over a year who would find this sort of thing funny, other than those I've already ruled out (my colleagues). It's a mobile number, and they've used various different versions of my name, so I doubt it's an automated service of any kind. My gf pointed out yesterday that I could contact the police if necessary, but I'm loath to do so for obvious reasons- not least in case it's just a friend having a laugh, even if it has gone a bit far now.

I'm a bit stuck as to what to do. I don't want to encourage them by replying, but equally I don't want it to go on any longer.

Assuming you're not someone important to the justice system, merely receiving harassing text messages from a stranger isn't going to get the police to do anything. Without some real reason for them to think this person is dangerous, they're not going to do anything.

What you can do, and what I think you SHOULD do is call up your phone company and report it to them. You should be able to have the number blocked.

If you really do know the person... what do you really expect to do about it? Confront them with their dirty messages? I can't imagine a scenario like that playing out in any fashion that can be construed as "good" by any stretch of the word.

Have the number blocked and let the phone company deal with it and put it out of your mind.

arguskos

2010-06-11, 04:14 PM

Actually, blocking them should present who it is fairly quickly. Consider: if it IS a friend or someone you know personally, then they may call you from time to time. If they're blocked, they cannot do so, meaning you won't see or hear from them for quite awhile, letting you narrow down who it might be (from the folks who aren't around much).

Aedilred

2010-06-11, 04:16 PM

The law over here is a bit strange and surprisingly illiberal at times. I suspect there's something that I could get them for if they were to continue texting me even if it's just an ASBO or the like; however this isn't really a course I want to go down even if it is possible- it seems like a sledgehammer to crack a nut, not to mention that any action against whoever it is would take up far more time and be far more annoying than the problem currently is.

What concerns me is not the messages themselves (which are almost entertaining taken out of context) but the person's motive behind doing it, which is why I want to know who it is. One or two messages I might be able to accept as a joke, but after a week, and eleven or so messages without any sign of having yet got bored, I can't help but think there's something more malicious behind it, whether it be an attempt at revenge for some previous slight (imagined or otherwise), trying to drive a wedge between me and my girlfriend, or what. If that is the case then blocking the number is treating the symptoms but not the cause; it's removing the only insight I have into what's going on.

I'd like to know who it is not so much so I can confront them- although this could be a possibility- but because it seems increasingly likely this person is someone I've previously considered a friend; ie someone in whom I've previously- or currently- vested my trust. If that is the case, I'd rather know who it is so that I can immediately stop doing so, and warn my girlfriend to do the same and disregard anything they hear from them about me.

It's been suggested that I should simply call up the number from a phone that isn't mine and see who answers. While getting access to such a phone would be trivial, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not.

Edit: Arguskos: Not a bad idea, but I don't tend to use my phone that much, doing most of my communication by email or live messenger. The only times I really talk on the phone are to my family and for business purposes etc.. With caller ID, if it were someone I knew it should show up, unless they've changed their number recently, but people call me so rarely anyway that it wouldn't really help to narrow it down.

Castaras

2010-06-11, 04:23 PM

It's been suggested that I should simply call up the number from a phone that isn't mine and see who answers. While getting access to such a phone would be trivial, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not.

If you're not wanting to block the number or call the police, this is a brilliant idea. :smallsmile: Just keep silent and listen to who answers.

J.Gellert

2010-06-11, 04:26 PM

If you're not wanting to block the number or call the police, this is a brilliant idea. :smallsmile: Just keep silent and listen to who answers.

Or just listen who answers and then proceed to shout obscenities.

Coidzor

2010-06-11, 04:43 PM

I'm-a have to side with getting the phone of another person or persons and calling this number.

Enlisting a small cadre of confidants to help get to the bottom of this as well might not be out of order either.

Quincunx

2010-06-11, 05:07 PM

Oops. That was smashingly bad wording on my end. Sorry. You give pointed and valuable non-romantic relationship insight, Coidzor, with the same pointedness which makes your romantic advice so bad.

Force

2010-06-11, 05:11 PM

There are reverse cell phone services on the internet; if it's bothering you this much, it might be worthwhile to drop a couple bucks on finding out who this person is. If you know them, you can confront them, or if you don't, you can simply block them without a qualm.

BSW

2010-06-11, 07:39 PM

What concerns me is not the messages themselves (which are almost entertaining taken out of context) but the person's motive behind doing it, which is why I want to know who it is. One or two messages I might be able to accept as a joke, but after a week, and eleven or so messages without any sign of having yet got bored, I can't help but think there's something more malicious behind it, whether it be an attempt at revenge for some previous slight (imagined or otherwise), trying to drive a wedge between me and my girlfriend, or what. If that is the case then blocking the number is treating the symptoms but not the cause; it's removing the only insight I have into what's going on.

I'd like to know who it is not so much so I can confront them- although this could be a possibility- but because it seems increasingly likely this person is someone I've previously considered a friend; ie someone in whom I've previously- or currently- vested my trust. If that is the case, I'd rather know who it is so that I can immediately stop doing so, and warn my girlfriend to do the same and disregard anything they hear from them about me.

The question that occurs to me now is... why do you think it's increasingly likely that someone you know is responsible? Unless there's something in the content of the text messages that belies this... I don't see anything in what you've pointed out about your little penpal that actually suggests that a backstabbing friend is any more likely like a total stranger who picked out a number at random and is doing it for the lulz. It strikes me as at least equally likely that this is simply the text equivalent of a repeat mouth breather call.

It seems to me that you may be giving in to a little paranoia as a result of these calls. I wouldn't be too quick to attribute these texts to the treachery of a friend. Strikes me as a pretty good way alienate people.

It's been suggested that I should simply call up the number from a phone that isn't mine and see who answers. While getting access to such a phone would be trivial, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not.

That could work to discover their identity. Assuming you both know the person and are able to recognize their voice. Oh, and assuming the person who answers is actually the person responsible. There's no reason you shouldn't try it. Hell, you have the number... you might actually be able to figure out who it belongs to using an internet phone directory.

Trellan

2010-06-11, 07:48 PM

The question that occurs to me now is... why do you think it's increasingly likely that someone you know is responsible? Unless there's something in the content of the text messages that belies this... I don't see anything in what you've pointed out about your little penpal that actually suggests that a backstabbing friend is any more likely like a total stranger who picked out a number at random and is doing it for the lulz. It strikes me as at least equally likely that this is simply the text equivalent of a repeat mouth breather call.

Well he did mention earlier that the person has referred to him using multiple variations of his name/nicknames, which should rule out someone randomly picking his number.

sktarq

2010-06-11, 08:14 PM

What concerns me is not the messages themselves (which are almost entertaining taken out of context) but the person's motive behind doing it, which is why I want to know who it is.......
It's been suggested that I should simply call up the number from a phone that isn't mine and see who answers. While getting access to such a phone would be trivial, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not.

First question: Why not just ask your phone provider how to block the texts if you don't know how? Far more simple than the police.

Second: Why do you think that the point of such treatment is to mess with your relationship?

Third: Tried to bang heads with your GF and have some fun with your texter's head?

Flabbicus

2010-06-11, 08:57 PM

So if anyone has been read my previous posts in these threads this should be the last. In them I displayed my intentions of notifying my crush about my feelings for her, then the subsequent part about my being mistaken about her reciprocating my feelings.

Let me be clear. This wasn't a shot in the dark, at least I thought so at the time. In my mind I had a good chance for starting a real relationship with someone who, although she had a very different upbringing and religious background, had reached many of the same conclusions and philosophies as myself. Otherwise that was a pretty concise summary.

We've seen each other a lot since. I'll be honest, it was hard getting over it for a few days but not herculean. I'm sure everyone goes through it. A few days later I started to enjoy myself and realized that life was not any bleaker for lack of a relationship. Then the summer started and I had nothing else to force structure.

She occupied my mind far too much for my liking after school ended. My resolve broke a short time ago and I reinitiated contact. We agreed to meet. Then I ran into her randomly, talked with her, and we talked about the crush. It was fine. We met again for dinner, and shared what we wanted out of life, learned more about how the other is and was like during our formative years.

I am happy to be friends with her. I thought the first few hours after she told me were hard. Having to see her interacting with others when no one I knew was around to talk with me was probably the worst part of it all. I soldiered through and felt the better for it.

I've tried to be more conscious about my actions and less reserved about what I say and do. More contemplative and more active. Think more about what I want out of life and what I want to do with it.

Today she told me that I seemed a lot more natural around her since I told her. Forumites, that felt like a punch to the gut. I am overanalyzing this. I know that this is true. Just like I overanalyzed every encounter prior to my announcement.

I knew before that she didn't like me in the same way I liked her. Now I know that my previous interactions, before I revealed my crush, with her were not as I remember them. Not just the fact that she didn't like me. But also that she thought there was something unnatural or stilted about how we communicated.

I thought I was over my crush, that I could move on, but I clearly am not.

Frankly I think I am dwelling on it to much. I should move on to something else that occupies my time. But between work and the lack of constant activity that comes with college I've found myself latching on to this train of thought and it not letting go. Of what I was doing wrong before, on the misconceptions I had of our friendship.

But I need to distance myself from this line of internal reflection. I have seen what I have done wrong in the past and made an attempt (with some success by her own admission) to move forward and am better for it.

I need to focus more on the real friendship that has developed between us since I traded in our phony friendship rather than fixating on the unreal relationship I imagined. The one fed by my idealistic, over-romanticized view of an "us" that only existed in my mind and the minds of those to whom I related my situation.

But, not to be melodramatic, because there is something more important there. Something of value. Real friendship. And I don't want to lose that for something that was never there to begin with.

Just wanted to say my piece,

Flab

xPANCAKEx

2010-06-11, 11:22 PM

Aedilred

you're investing too much energy into working this out. Just block the number. If you cant do it on your handset, contact your provider. All the uk mobile networks are usually very up on helping their customers as they know if you get annoyed with them then they'll lose a customer.

working out who it is really isn't worthwhile

Superglucose

2010-06-11, 11:50 PM

... caught B staring at my eyes for a good thirty seconds today. Then she gave me this really weird look, and when asked about it said, "Well, I was looking at your eyes, and then realized that it was weird that I was looking at your eyes..." and went back to cuddling with D.

Also I really, really dislike bowling. I know K really wanted me to go, and I did go, and I honestly tried to have a good time, I just... that game and I do not mix well. Now my wrist hurts :smallyuk: Not to mention I just didn't have a wonderful time. Though I did meet this super-cute girl who was cosplaying as Edward Elric while bowling! Chickened out on getting her number though for fear of her being with one of the guys who was there. Oh well!

skywalker

2010-06-12, 01:46 AM

{Scrubbed}

This is kidnapping. It's violence worse than punching someone. I've got some very fine kettles I'd like to introduce you to, Mr. Pot.

And... There's big differences between cousins. I mean, is this his first cousin? second cousin twice removed? It's unclear. There's a reason why you're allowed to marry your (farther out) cousins. They're not necessarily close, even a little bit.

Superglucose

2010-06-12, 01:58 AM

{Scrubbed}
Kidnapping is a very violent crime. The way you enacted this kidnapping is a very violent crime. I will bust out my "Big Book 'o White Knighting" if you like, but what you did was violent, aggressive, and highly illegal. Also extremely dangerous.

Family may be a big deal, but vigilante justice and violent acts are only justifiable in absurdly extreme cases. "He hit my cousin" isn't enough justification to... well... kidnap and threaten him with his life.

So for the record, your little story cost you a considerable deal of my respect. Major lost points for the kidnapping, and double that for the hypocrisy of "I practice as I preach" nonsense about you being nonviolent about stuffing someone in a trunk.

Eloi

2010-06-12, 02:01 AM

{scrubbed}
:smalleek: You're uh..kidding right?
Two wrongs don't make a right?

Coidzor

2010-06-12, 03:36 AM

Golentan, let's just say I have some idea of where you're coming from and leave it at that on the subject of clans.

... caught B staring at my eyes for a good thirty seconds today. Then she gave me this really weird look, and when asked about it said, "Well, I was looking at your eyes, and then realized that it was weird that I was looking at your eyes..." and went back to cuddling with D. This is weird, jumps into relationships too quickly girl, right? Who has been acting weird towards you while being in a relationship with this guy who constantly feels threatened by you and has to assert his territory/masculinity/wossname?

I hope you told her to knock it off.

Now my wrist hurts :smallyuk:

Hmm. I think this means you need to use a lighter ball and/or refine your technique. Also, are your friends not good to talk to and hang out with or something? Because that's... essentially what Bowling is... With optional drinking. And an activity to comment upon the successes and failures of one another.

Oops. That was smashingly bad wording on my end. Sorry. You give pointed and valuable non-romantic relationship insight, Coidzor, with the same pointedness which makes your romantic advice so bad.

Hmm. *looks up the definitions of pointed to get a better feel for which is being used here* Wow. I can't believe I forgot half of those definitions. :smallsigh:

golentan

2010-06-12, 03:46 AM

{Scrubbed}

J.Gellert

2010-06-12, 04:31 AM

{Scrubbed}

I'm with you there, mostly because I don't trust the legal system to keep me and those close to me safe. Basically unless you are someone important, you are screwed, and when that happens, you can't cry to anyone. This is a tough world.

And that's exactly the reason why stuff like that can get you hurt (or killed).

Lord Loss

2010-06-12, 06:29 AM

Remember how that gal (the girl I like, whos a friend of a friend) called me bout my broken arm?

Well, I had organized a party a while ago with said girl and 9-12 other ppl. However, we were having a hard time finding a date that would work, so when I broke my arm, it got called off.

Yesterday, she and four friends called me and convinced me not to cancel it.

A few questions:

1. Poll Party + Cast = ???

2. The girl I like is the one who worries that guys only want to get in ppl's pants, seeing as she had some traumatic experiences in the past, involving a guy who was her bff.

3. One of my friends may try to flirt with her. Her friends are WAAAAAAY overprotective.

4. Not all that important, but any good movies in theatres a girl might be interested in ?

J.Gellert

2010-06-12, 06:42 AM

1. Poll Party + Cast = ???

2. The girl I like is the one who worries that guys only want to get in ppl's pants, seeing as she had some traumatic experiences in the past, involving a guy who was her bff.

3. One of my friends may try to flirt with her. Her friends are WAAAAAAY overprotective.

4. Not all that important, but any good movies in theatres a girl might be interested in ?

1. What?

2. I am always a little sceptical about that, but if she really has traumatic experiences, I don't know what to tell you...

3. Get another friend to keep him occupied. Remember, if your "friend" is hitting on the girl you like, anything goes. As for her friends, you shouldn't have trouble if you are a nice likeable fellow.

4. Sex and the City 2? Coco Before Chanel? :smalltongue:

Milskidasith

2010-06-12, 06:51 AM

1. What?

2. I am always a little sceptical about that, but if she really has traumatic experiences, I don't know what to tell you...

3. Get another friend to keep him occupied. Remember, if your "friend" is hitting on the girl you like, anything goes. As for her friends, you shouldn't have trouble if you are a nice likeable fellow.

4. Sex and the City 2? Coco Before Chanel? :smalltongue:

As for number four... Eclipse is out on June 30th. I would advise going to the movies before then so you don't have to worry about being forced to see it.

Serpentine

2010-06-12, 09:45 AM

4. Sex and the City 2? Coco Before Chanel? :smalltongue:Prince of Persia? Robin Hood? Toy Story 3?
Dunno about any other females around, but I would much prefer to see any of those than Sex and the City, Eclipse or (to a lesser extent, cuz it kinda looks like an interesting story) Coco.

edit: In other words, I recommend against looking for "girl-appropriate" movies, and instead think about what sort they, as individuals, would be interested in. If it is Sex and the City, and the pro-SatCs are heavily outweighed by the anti-SatCs, then maybe consider it, but otherwise try to find something you can all enjoy.
What're your options?
And how's your arm?

Eloi

2010-06-12, 09:47 AM

BSW

2010-06-12, 10:00 AM

Well he did mention earlier that the person has referred to him using multiple variations of his name/nicknames, which should rule out someone randomly picking his number.

I missed that. It does suggest that the culprit might be someone he knows, but it's by no means proof positive. For example, a stranger could easily have found the number through a phone directory... in which case he or she would also have the name. Many nicknames are derived for a person's given name and are actually quite common. Using a variety of variations seems like it could just as easily be guesswork on the part of a stranger as actual knowledge. Unless of course, one of these nicknames is something obscure and not at all related to his real name.

I still say the best course of action is to just have the number blocked and move on.

It was the back of a van, and while it was indubitably cramped, and had no seats, it did have a belt for passengers. The side of the road was a motel (well, it was within walking distance). And we inflicted no physical harm nor used threats of it to make our point or to get him out. We at no point threatened his life, nor person.

First off, speaking as a prosecutor, I have no problem saying that I would decline to prosecute you even though I could probably make a case for at least assault, false imprisonment, and conspiracy (maybe battery and kidnapping as well). I don't think any jury would be willing to convict you of any of it, so it'd be a pretty big waste of time. But, more importantly (to me anyway) I think your heart was in the right place. You were trying to do the morally right thing. That matters a great deal to those of us (prosecutors, I mean) who really believe in what we do.

He had battered a member of our family, in her own home, and she demanded he leave or she'd press charges. He was unemployed, and had no residence of his own, and his family didn't live in the area, so I fail to see it as materially hurting him given we left him with his possessions. After she talked to the police, we were there with an offer to expedite his exit from the town with a minimum of fuss. We only did it because she didn't want to have to deal with him again, including in a court.

But he wasn't going to come back. And he wasn't going to hurt her again. And we made it very clear that there would be consequences if he did. Which doesn't mean violence, or death, or bootstrap justice. It means something far scarier, and more implacable. I see no need to use illegal methods or violence to coerce someone who can as easily be swayed by his own fears of coming under legal scrutiny.

Here's where I take issue with what you did. Rather than actually allowing the justice system to do its job you ran the sucker out of town. Seemingly because the victim didn't want to have to go to court.

You need to understand something: a crime doesn't just hurt the victim. It hurts society as a whole. That's why the decision of whether or not to press charges isn't up to the victim, but rather to the person who's representing society (namely... the prosecutor). Because of your actions, this guy didn't receive the punishment that he very much deserved. In a very real sense, you obstructed justice.

Your heart was in the right place, but you didn't do anyone any favors--including your family member. Have you ever heard of something called a statute of limitations? Essentially, what it means is that we have to charge someone with a crime within a certain time limit of its commission or we're not allowed to charge the criminal at all. So, in a a few years... this guy can come back and if you try to do anything about it... well, guess who the badguy will be in the eyes of the law?

And what about when he batters someone else (and he almost certainly will... they typically do)? Because of your actions he won't receive the enhanced punishment for being a repeat offender that he actually deserves. Because you didn't allow the wheels of justice to turn, it'll be harder than it ought to be for others in the future to be protected from this scumbag.

I applaud you for trying to protect your family, but that wasn't the right way to do it.

/rant

Serpentine

2010-06-12, 10:07 AM

Well spoken, BSW.
I dislike the "the legal system doesn't work, so why bother?" attitude. This might work for you, but what about the hundreds of people following you? If you have an opportunity to change it and you refuse to take it, I don't think you have any right to complain about it. And actually attempting to use the system as it is, and then fighting it tooth and nail when it goes wrong (in Australia, A Current Affair seems to be the easiest and go-to grievance addresser, trashy as it is) is at least attempting to change it.
And you never know, you might be pleasantly surprised by their response.

Coidzor

2010-06-12, 10:13 AM

2. The girl I like is the one who worries that guys only want to get in ppl's pants, seeing as she had some traumatic experiences in the past, involving a guy who was her bff. Um... So she thinks guys only want sex because of a traumatic experience(which, who knows WHAT it took to traumatize her, especially if her friends think she's a delicate little flower who needs sheltering from the world around her :smallyuk:) with someone who is supposed to want to have sex with her due to being her boyfriend or one of her friends revealing he wanted to do her, thus revealing that they weren't really Best Friends Forever...

Also, that's not really even vaguely a question. If you wanna know how to deal with someone like that... Good Luck. Though you could always point out that sleep and food are also fairly high on the priority list of mammals as well.

3. One of my friends may try to flirt with her. Her friends are WAAAAAAY overprotective.

...So... Are you asking us to keep your friend from flirting with her for their sake? Sorry, no such luck, the silly ones need to get some stomach or admit they're jealous lesbians/bisexuals if they get set off by that kind of interaction.

Now, depending upon how you're angling, you might give the cues that you're going after this one to him. Actually, if you're at all serious about this, you probably should. Or even just tell him straight up what the situation is and that the girls that will be there are stupidly insane and will try to shiv him if he flirts.

Which means you'll probably need some anti-shiv guards yourself.

J.Gellert

2010-06-12, 10:21 AM

Quoted for truth and emphasis.

My girl friends who play games even a little agree with you (one watched Prince of Persia before I did). Others "don't watch science fiction" and classify Prince of Persia as... that. So yeah.

As always, your mileage may vary.

As for Eclipse, it's really on the extremes. Some people love the twilight saga, others hate it. I'd find out which before suggesting that.

Roland St. Jude

2010-06-12, 10:32 AM

Sheriff of Moddingham: Criminal activity is an Inappropriate Topic for this Forum. In particular, avoid detailed accountings of such activity and advocacy of it.

AtomicKitKat

2010-06-12, 10:52 AM

So umm, how does one deal with it when the relationship that one is having woes about is with oneself? Like, in recent weeks, I've been getting kind of upset at my own existence, questioning what I'm doing, and although I blame the fact that I've had a fairly bad series of migraines, no doubt exacerbated by the weather, I've started to wonder if perhaps the self-doubting voices are winning.

Superglucose

2010-06-12, 10:56 AM

Hmm. I think this means you need to use a lighter ball and/or refine your technique. Also, are your friends not good to talk to and hang out with or something? Because that's... essentially what Bowling is... With optional drinking. And an activity to comment upon the successes and failures of one another.
Yes, I enjoyed hanging out with my friends, but oh my god I just can't stand bowling. If you'd like to know why, it's because I once bowled strike, strike, spare in the first three frames of a game... and ended up with a 66. I cannot stand how much of an emotional rollercoaster that game is for me. Can't stand it. I hate bowling.

Eloi

2010-06-12, 11:07 AM

Yes, I enjoyed hanging out with my friends, but oh my god I just can't stand bowling. If you'd like to know why, it's because I once bowled strike, strike, spare in the first three frames of a game... and ended up with a 66. I cannot stand how much of an emotional rollercoaster that game is for me. Can't stand it. I hate bowling.

I got a score of 0 once. I was trying, I swear, but its probably better that my friends think I was flubbing it on purpose.

Superglucose

2010-06-12, 11:56 AM

Pyrian

2010-06-12, 12:06 PM

So umm, how does one deal with it when the relationship that one is having woes about is with oneself?:smallbiggrin: Well, you could sit down and talk about it. Er, not really. Um, maybe you need break up. Wait, that won't work. Hrm. Maybe if you just avoid the other party for a while? No, no, same problem. Let me think. ...Have you tried the Depression thread? :smallwink:

Like, in recent weeks, I've been getting kind of upset at my own existence, questioning what I'm doing, and although I blame the fact that I've had a fairly bad series of migraines, no doubt exacerbated by the weather, I've started to wonder if perhaps the self-doubting voices are winning.Migraines suck, and you should probably do whatever you can to treat them. :smallconfused: Weeks of them? That's what doctors are for.

Self-doubt is not an inherently terrible thing, but there are limits. It's important to not let internal charges go unanswered. Go ahead - argue. Every time. Make a habit of defending yourself to yourself. Pretend it's some troll on the 'net if you have to.

skywalker

2010-06-12, 12:42 PM

Prince of Persia? Robin Hood? Toy Story 3?
Dunno about any other females around, but I would much prefer to see any of those than Sex and the City, Eclipse or (to a lesser extent, cuz it kinda looks like an interesting story) Coco.

edit: In other words, I recommend against looking for "girl-appropriate" movies, and instead think about what sort they, as individuals, would be interested in. If it is Sex and the City, and the pro-SatCs are heavily outweighed by the anti-SatCs, then maybe consider it, but otherwise try to find something you can all enjoy.

Skywalker, by contrast, finds Prince of Perisa and Robin Hood look pretty trashy and boring. Everyone loves Toy Story, tho! But I would definitely be interested in SatC, Coco, and the rigorous awfulness that is "The Twilight Series."

Superglucose

2010-06-12, 12:43 PM

Skywalker, by contrast, finds Prince of Perisa and Robin Hood look pretty trashy and boring. Everyone loves Toy Story, tho! But I would definitely be interested in SatC, Coco, and the rigorous awfulness that is "The Twilight Series."
You see, I wouldn't touch Prince of Persia with an eleven (it's ridiculous, it's not even funny) foot pole either. It's a VIDEO GAME movie.

skywalker

2010-06-12, 12:45 PM

I would not mind merely being bad at Bowling. I mind knowing that I'm able to bowl well and get turkeys and then throwing three blank frames in a row. I mind being so terribly inconsistent, and I really mind knowing what to do and not being able to do it.

It's purely mental. I know exactly how that feels, and how I got rid of it. My friend is the same way. Bowls poorly the first few frames of the first game (getting back in the swing). Then, for the last few frames of the first and the first few frames of the second, he's great. But then he realizes people are expecting that he do well, and he tightens up, crashes and burns.

Know what worked for me? Forgetting the score, forgetting the time, and forgetting everything else even exists. Just focusing on that front pin, remembering to breath, and throwing the ball I know I'm capable of. That's what the pros are doing when you see them stand up there. They take a moment and shut it all out. Then, as the ball hits the pins, you let the world come crashing back in, win or lose. :smallsmile: Try it!

Eloi

2010-06-12, 12:49 PM

You see, I wouldn't touch Prince of Persia with an eleven (it's ridiculous, it's not even funny) foot pole either. It's a VIDEO GAME movie.

It's by Disney, the guys who did Pirates of the Caribbean which is pretty much in the same genre of 'swashbuckling', how can it not be good?

Aedilred

2010-06-12, 12:59 PM

Well, I felt the second and third Pirates films weren't up to much, and that the first one was any good wasn't much to do with Disney.

Besides, there's so much more to the quality of a film than the studio which produces it. The director, the screenwriter, the actors, the budget... all of these make the difference.

Prince of Persia looks awful. Films based on video games usually are. The reviews I've seen of it have universally panned it, too. It would take some miraculous convincing to get me to watch such a film.

Superglucose

2010-06-12, 02:01 PM

It's purely mental. I know exactly how that feels, and how I got rid of it. My friend is the same way. Bowls poorly the first few frames of the first game (getting back in the swing). Then, for the last few frames of the first and the first few frames of the second, he's great. But then he realizes people are expecting that he do well, and he tightens up, crashes and burns.

Know what worked for me? Forgetting the score, forgetting the time, and forgetting everything else even exists. Just focusing on that front pin, remembering to breath, and throwing the ball I know I'm capable of. That's what the pros are doing when you see them stand up there. They take a moment and shut it all out. Then, as the ball hits the pins, you let the world come crashing back in, win or lose. :smallsmile: Try it!
No thanks. I'd rather just never bowl again. I always feel like pure crap when I bowl. Why I feel like crap is irrelevant: I do not like it. I do not want to do it. The only reason I did is because when I said, "No thanks" to bowling, Addy and Katie were all, "Pleeeeeaaaase come bowling with us?" :smallyuk: They wanted me to come so bad I couldn't *not* do it.

@Eloi, "It's by disney so it must be good"?

Your (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/witch-mountain.asp) argument (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/hannah-montana.asp) is (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/dadnapped.asp) invalid (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/hatching-pete.asp) and (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/princess-protection.asp) I (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/high-school-musical-3.asp) can't (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0810900/) stress (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/beverly-hills-chihuahua.asp) this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_School_Musical) enough. (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/national-treasure-book-secrets.asp)

arguskos

2010-06-12, 02:12 PM

Hey, Book of Secrets wasn't terrible. It just had Nicolas Cage in it. :smallyuk:

skywalker

2010-06-12, 02:24 PM

@Eloi, "It's by disney so it must be good"?

Your (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/witch-mountain.asp) argument (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/hannah-montana.asp) is (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/dadnapped.asp) invalid (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/hatching-pete.asp) and (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/princess-protection.asp) I (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/high-school-musical-3.asp) can't (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0810900/) stress (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/beverly-hills-chihuahua.asp) this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_School_Musical) enough. (http://www.disneymovieslist.com/movies/national-treasure-book-secrets.asp)

High School Musical isn't bad...

RabbitHoleLost

2010-06-12, 04:55 PM

Skywalker, you amaze me.
I'm just sayin'

Castaras

2010-06-12, 06:09 PM

High School Musical isn't bad...

Colour me amazed also.

Eloi

2010-06-12, 06:13 PM

@Eloi, "It's by disney so it must be good"?

Your argument is invalid and I can't stress this enough.

Your argument is invalid because such a large company outputting so much can't defined by biased small sample pools.
However creative teams themselves can, and they actually had most of the same staff from Pirates of the Caribbean produce and direct the movie, which is the pinnacle of swashbuclking movies, the genre of 'Persia, so I think its logical to assume its done fairly well.

Jokasti

2010-06-12, 06:16 PM

High School Musical isn't bad...

...Did you ever, say, go to High School?

Thrivol

2010-06-12, 08:41 PM

G' evening. Been a while since I was last on these forums, but I am in need of advice. I just can't figure out what a friend thinks.

I've been friends with her for about 2 years or so, and in that time we've become pretty close. We're open about pretty much everything, most of the time. But see, she only acts this way about half the time. The other half of the time, she is cold towards me, not talking to me, responding to me with one word responses or insults.

She doesn't do this with anyone else, and my other friends think it's strange as well. Anyways, since school's been out for two weeks, we haven't talked or seen each other. Today, she sends me a text saying she misses me. I respond back, saying it's sad we don't see each other anymore. I ask her how her summer's been, and she just responds, "Good." That's is. I try to ask her a few more questions, just more one word responses. And I know it wasn't just a bad time, she was on Facebook and probably browsing 4chan.

I'm getting sick of it, to be honest. I don't want to stop being her friend, because we are such good friends, whenever she isn't acting cold. Please, help me figure out what is going on in her head.

Too long didn't read version, she says she misses me, yet when I try to communicate with her, she just gets all cold towards me.

Dusk Eclipse

2010-06-12, 08:51 PM

Anyone has some suggestion of an "interesting date" idea.

I am dating a girl but I am scared she might get bored of us just going to get a coffe and talk or going to the movies, therefor I want to do something "special" or different.

Can anybody help me?

Force

2010-06-12, 09:04 PM

Dusk Eclipse

2010-06-12, 09:08 PM

You know her better than us. What does she like to do? What are her interests? What's going on that's special in your town?

Look into any special exhibits at museums nearby. Check to see if there are any conventions within traveling distance. If she likes some sport (which happens) see if you can go to a game/match with her.

Well, I don't know how to describe her in english, the word we use here in mexico is "fresa" (lit translation strawberry no I don't know why either), she is quite girly, likes parties, going out... to be honest a bit stereotipical high school girl...

ANd as for sport... with the world cup I doub't there are going to be normal matches. :smalltongue:

Saphy

2010-06-12, 09:16 PM

Well, I don't know how to describe her in english, the word we use here in mexico is "fresa" (lit translation strawberry no I don't know why either), she is quite girly, likes parties, going out... to be honest a bit stereotipical high school girl...

ANd as for sport... with the world cup I doub't there are going to be normal matches. :smalltongue:

Going out somewhere for dinner and just talking is always fun, or walking in a park or by the beach... Maybe going shopping, or trying something new, like dance classes could be fun. Watching the world cup together = win. :D haha I love soccer. Hope that was helpful? haha.

Dusk Eclipse

2010-06-12, 09:19 PM

Going out somewhere for dinner and just talking is always fun, or walking in a park or by the beach... Maybe going shopping, or trying something new, like dance classes could be fun. Watching the world cup together = win. :D haha I love soccer. Hope that was helpful? haha.

beach is out (I live in Mexico city so I am landlocked) but a walk in the park might work....

Pheehelm

2010-06-12, 09:21 PM

Thrivol -- would you give some more examples of this coldness of hers? Particularly the insults you mention? Some people, myself among them, can just come off that way sometimes, especially when not in a talkative mood.

Dusk Eclipse -- most awesome date idea I ever heard of, they dressed up like pirates, went down to the local playground, and convinced the kids they were time travelers. If that's too special or different, bookstores, museums, or "activity" dates (ice skating is popular) come recommended. It's generally not so much the what you do as the who you do it with that's important, anyways. Heck, even taking a walk can be a fun date.

Superglucose

2010-06-12, 10:25 PM

Your argument is invalid because such a large company outputting so much can't defined by biased small sample pools.
However creative teams themselves can, and they actually had most of the same staff from Pirates of the Caribbean produce and direct the movie, which is the pinnacle of swashbuclking movies, the genre of 'Persia, so I think its logical to assume its done fairly well.
Pirates 2 and 3 called.

Don Julio Anejo

2010-06-12, 10:54 PM

Okay, here's a weird one. How the hell do you get in a damn relationship that actually works out? I want true love forever and ever and ever, mushy pillow talk and romantic walks on the beach.

For the record, I don't have trouble with women. It's just that I have trouble getting any relationship to last longer than 2 or 3 months, and it's not because it becomes bad or something... It just seems like me and whoever it is I'm dating at the time just kind of drift apart and get bored with each other on both ends.

PS: on topic, one of my most fun dates involved trying to find a restaurant to eat at 6PM on a public holiday where absolutely everything was closed... We ended up walking around... I guess 4 or 5 miles. It's not about what you do but about having fun with the other person.

Another cool date I've had was where we went out and hit on people of the same gender for lulz. Anyone remember that moment from Big Bang Theory where Sheldon asks a random dude in the university cafeteria "Hey, are you in a committed relationship right now? [...] Well, do you want to be?" and the guy writes down his phone number on Sheldon's hand. I've had that moment. It was quite... interesting... explaining to my friends who "Cooper" is and why my phone number is on my hand.

Superglucose

2010-06-12, 11:09 PM

Okay, here's a weird one. How the hell do you get in a damn relationship that actually works out? I want true love forever and ever and ever, mushy pillow talk and romantic walks on the beach.

For the record, I don't have trouble with women. It's just that I have trouble getting any relationship to last longer than 2 or 3 months, and it's not because it becomes bad or something... It just seems like me and whoever it is I'm dating at the time just kind of drift apart and get bored with each other on both ends.
Work. Lots and lots of hard work. Also keep in mind that it's also based off of luck, and I guess a certain mindset. To me, I don't see how a relationship could be short; after all, what possible reason would a girl have to leave me? Only if she doesn't like me, and who wouldn't like me? And even if she didn't, why would she be dating me if she didn't like me?

As for the true love forever and ever, I have to say something: there's no such thing as unconditional love. That's why relationships are work: you have to continually be building trust and watching for signs, have to be policing yourself and not letting yourself get out of hand. It's little things like recognizing when she's pissed off from work by the tone of her text and offering to pick up a pizza for dinner on the way home, her understanding that sundays are football + allegiance days, and both of you understanding that sometimes you just need to take a break and spend the day by yourself or whatever. It's all the little things that make a relationship last, and they fluctuate from person to person quite greatly.

Good luck!

Pyrian

2010-06-12, 11:47 PM

I'm getting sick of it, to be honest. I don't want to stop being her friend, because we are such good friends, whenever she isn't acting cold. Please, help me figure out what is going on in her head.How the heck would I know? :smallwink: Explain to her what you've explained to us and ask her directly. Preferably in person. I'm not saying that will necessarily work (in fact I think it's likely to drive her away) but if you need to know you need to ask.

Probable answer? Perhaps you're important to her as long as there isn't something else more important to her going on. Then, suddenly you're not important to her. I dunno. That's pretty typical, but it doesn't explain why it seems to apply to you and not others.

Anyway, at the end of the day you probably can't change her behavior and just have to decide how you're going to respond and react, assuming that she continues the behave essentially the same way.

How the hell do you get in a damn relationship that actually works out?From your description it sounds like you're not dating the right women. Of course, such is hard to find, but one can shoot oneself in the foot easily enough. Let me ask you this question: do you admire the women you've been dating but broke up with after a short period?

Serpentine

2010-06-13, 12:04 AM

You see, I wouldn't touch Prince of Persia with an eleven (it's ridiculous, it's not even funny) foot pole either. It's a VIDEO GAME movie.Snobbery, much :smallyuk:
I've seen it. It wasn't a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it was fun and enjoyable. I liked it quite a lot. I could be mistaken (I haven't really seen many), but I think it's probably the best "video game movie" made to date. There will almost certainly be better ones, but as a movie, it's solid.
Also, I really like the other two Pirates of the Caribbean. While I'm at it, I enjoyed the 4th Indiana Jones. Neither were as good as the originals, obviously, but I'm tired of hearing "they're crap and nobody likes them!" like it's a statement of fact. Maybe that renders my opinion of Prince of Persia null and void, but I really don't care :smallyuk:

Anyone has some suggestion of an "interesting date" idea.Picnics are nice. Can't help much more than that without knowing where you are and what your resources are. Assuming "Impossible Land" and "lots", here's some more suggestions:
Picnic (worth mentioning twice).
Picnic preceeded by baking and cooking things to take on said picnic.
Bushwalking.
Bikeriding.
A day at the beach.
Rockclimbing.
Ice skating.
Roller skating.
Paintball.
Learning Something New Together.
Sitting around reading.
Gaming.
Arcade.
Window shopping.

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 12:26 AM

Snobbery, much :smallyuk:
Dangerous fear of what the phrase "video game movie" has in store for that $10 I'm shelling out.

I've seen it. It wasn't a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it was fun and enjoyable. I liked it quite a lot. I could be mistaken (I haven't really seen many), but I think it's probably the best "video game movie" made to date. There will almost certainly be better ones, but as a movie, it's solid.
Almost had me sold until...

Also, I really like the other two Pirates of the Caribbean. While I'm at it, I enjoyed the 4th Indiana Jones. Neither were as good as the originals, obviously, but I'm tired of hearing "they're crap and nobody likes them!" like it's a statement of fact. Maybe that renders my opinion of Prince of Persia null and void, but I really don't care :smallyuk:
That :smallwink: I'm seriously kidding. Pirates 2 and 3 were, imo, horrible movies, but then I do have very high standards for movies and video games. For instance, I thought Mass Effect had a bad story while everyone else I know thinks it was orgasmic.

Picnics are nice. Can't help much more than that without knowing where you are and what your resources are. Assuming "Impossible Land" and "lots", here's some more suggestions:
Picnic (worth mentioning twice).
Picnic preceeded by baking and cooking things to take on said picnic.
Bushwalking.
Bikeriding.
A day at the beach.
Rockclimbing.
Ice skating.
Roller skating.
Paintball.
Learning Something New Together.
Sitting around reading.
Gaming.
Arcade.
Window shopping.
Go to a bookstore with a pad and a pen, and leave notes for people in your favorite books. I've always wanted to do that.

RabbitHoleLost

2010-06-13, 01:52 AM

Here's a new one, guys.
How do I get a guy not to like me, especially since he is Ex's bestie, and I have a boyfriend(Semi-long distance. Actually, someone told me it was immediate distance) but also (because I am a bad, horrible excuse for a human being) because I find him attractive and that makes for horrible temptations?

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 02:25 AM

You suck it up and tell him that you're taken and that even if you weren't, the previous relationship between him and your best friend precludes any relationship between you and him.

Don't lie or misrepresent yourself.

Coidzor

2010-06-13, 02:33 AM

Has he made any overtures? Is he giving signs that he'll start? Do you have any reason to believe he might other than the whole you wanting to bone him thing?

If yes, then depending upon what stage of behavior he's reached, decorum allows numerous ways and points at which to optimally nip him in the bud. I just couldn't tell you when exactly and how exactly to tell him, "Nope, not gonna happen, thanks but no thanks."

sktarq

2010-06-13, 03:20 AM

Anyone has some suggestion of an "interesting date" idea.

Need more info:
Age?
Rural/Suburban/Town/Small City/Megalopolis?
Introvert/Extrovert?
Private Housing/Roommates/Parents?
Mobility?
Cost Restrictions?
Irrational Fears?

Here's a new one, guys.
How do I get a guy not to like me,

Unless you are well into the flirting stage the easiest way is to just slide it into conversation at some point. Admit to being attracted to him if you want (actually makes things easier in the long run I've found personally) but tat being taken is something you take seriously and that the whole ex's bet friend thing makes things (cautionary/awkward/impossible - depending on your view). It will either clear the air then and there or there will be a period of tension for a bit. The important thing is to make sure you don't let the friendship go adrift during that readjustment phase. Make effort to spend time together doing friend stuff-Light friend stuff. Movie, Videogames etc. Things will generally restabilize in short order with both of you grinding your teeth from time to time but eventually it fades.....exceptions happen but the above is kind of experience that I've both used and had used on me to good effect.

J.Gellert

2010-06-13, 03:22 AM

Lord Loss

2010-06-13, 05:16 AM

This is more of an exclamation of HAPPY than a woe or plea for advice.

Yesterday, a friend of mine who's the BFF of the girl I like called me and askrd if it was okay if she gave said girl my number :smallsmile:. Then she asked if I wanted to go to some park with them. From what I gather, they generally do LOADS of stuff together all the time and rarely include other people. I happy.

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 10:27 AM

Yesterday, a friend of mine who's the BFF of the girl I like called me and askrd if it was okay if she gave said girl my number :smallsmile:. Then she asked if I wanted to go to some park with them. From what I gather, they generally do LOADS of stuff together all the time and rarely include other people. I happy.
Prediction: BFF suddenly becomes "busy" and it's just you and the girl hanging out at the park :smallwink: Congratulations!

Umael

2010-06-13, 01:43 PM

Snobbery, much :smallyuk:
I've seen it. It wasn't a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it was fun and enjoyable. I liked it quite a lot. I could be mistaken (I haven't really seen many), but I think it's probably the best "video game movie" made to date. There will almost certainly be better ones, but as a movie, it's solid.
Also, I really like the other two Pirates of the Caribbean. While I'm at it, I enjoyed the 4th Indiana Jones. Neither were as good as the originals, obviously, but I'm tired of hearing "they're crap and nobody likes them!" like it's a statement of fact. Maybe that renders my opinion of Prince of Persia null and void, but I really don't care :smallyuk:

Got to chime in here - I'm with you, Serpentine.

There IS a lot of snobbery going around, and not just about video game movies. Two of my friends in my gaming groups are horrible in their ability to judge what is and what is not a good movie, especially when it comes to my own tastes. A lot of video game movies are bad, but just because there is a movie based on a video game doesn't mean it will automatically be bad.

I happen to really enjoy Mortal Kombat, for example, even if there was no real plot and the acting was only mediocre at best. Why? Because I didn't watch it to see a wonderful plot or bit of acting - unless you count the fight scenes as acting, in which case it was wonderfully done. The music was good, and I enjoyed the special effects. Does that make the movie an instant classic, a candidate for AFI's 100 Best? No, but nor does it have to be.

(Also, I liked Pirates 2 & 3 as well, enough so that I am still annoyed my copy of Pirates 3 has disappeared. Can't say anything about Indiana Jones 4 though, haven't seen it, probably won't see it for a long time.)

Eloi

2010-06-13, 01:53 PM

I agree with Serpentine and Umael, I liked ALL of the Pirates movies and 'Persia kicked ass.

skywalker

2010-06-13, 02:18 PM

Skywalker, you amaze me.
I'm just sayin'

Great success!

Colour me amazed also.

My glory knows no bounds!

...Did you ever, say, go to High School?

Yes. I never said it was an accurate representation of anything approaching real life.

But... I like musicals? Pop music, smiling appropriately ethnic boys and girls, perfect teeth, a glossy version of everything where it's never in doubt that it will work out at the end? Sometimes it's okay to just have mindless fun!

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 02:28 PM

I have to say that I find it very rude that just because I didn't like a movie that you happened to like that it's "snobbery."

Eloi

2010-06-13, 02:31 PM

I have to say that I find it very rude that just because I didn't like a movie that you happened to like that it's "snobbery."

I was directing my comment to the person who said they wouldn't even give the movie a chance because its a video game movie. Now that is snobbery.

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 02:43 PM

I said I didn't anticipate it being any good because it was a video game movie. Kind of like how I don't anticipate books-to-movies to be very good. It's not snobbery, it's "I'm going to pay $10 to see this movie, I want to be absolutely sure it's something I want to see."

I may have a job but I ain't rich :smallwink:

Eloi

2010-06-13, 02:48 PM

So you're stingy not snobby then?

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 02:52 PM

Yeah. And I have very strict tastes in movies. I'm not snobby in the sense of "How could you possibly like that movie" but there is a very narrow band of movie I'm ok with.

Now with video games, I'm a huge snob, and a very stringent critic. For example, I think Bioware's writing staff should probably be replaced and have been woefully unimpressed with their dialogue and/or storylines for quite some time now.

Don Julio Anejo

2010-06-13, 02:56 PM

From your description it sounds like you're not dating the right women. Of course, such is hard to find, but one can shoot oneself in the foot easily enough. Let me ask you this question: do you admire the women you've been dating but broke up with after a short period?
Heh, something you could easily read from my description :smile: But generally, no. I generally group women I'm interested into two broad categories (this is based on personality, not looks, btw...). Women I want to uhm.. do.. uhm.. stuff with X number of times and then never see them again and women I can easily see myself marrying a few years down the road.

The problem is a bit different. I have two default modes of talking to women that I'm interested in. One is a fun, Van Wylderesque mode where I tease and hit on a girl non-stop, and the second one is a nice guy in all senses of the word. I can go interchangeably with the two (before anyone sticks me up on this, both are parts of my personality and depend mostly, but the problem is... If I act like I'm trying to hook up with a girl, a girl sees it that way and the only thing I really get out of it is a hook up with no strings attached (when I actually want strings.. :smallfurious:).

No, sure, I can keep it going, but there's no emotional involvement... If I act like a nice guy, well, it's just not very attractive and I become the "friend" (which is kind of ironic, because with my actual female friends, we tease each other pretty much nonstop).

That's pretty much my problem in a nutshell... I simply have no idea how to get a girl interested in me for anything other than sex.

*snip* movies *snip*
Out of curiousity, why do you guys make such a big deal over what is and what isn't a good movie? I mean, isn't the only thing that matters is whether you enjoyed it or not? It's just that movies that are considered "better" are enjoyed by more people, but it doesn't mean even bad movies aren't entertaining or interesting to watch.

Case in point: my two favourite movies are Amelie and Casablanca. The first one generally considered a great movie by pretty much anyone and the second one is one of the best movies ever. This didn't stop me from enjoying Eagle Eye (the one with Shia Laboeuf and a DoD computer gone crazy), even though almost everyone says it's a bad movie...

Now with video games, I'm a huge snob, and a very stringent critic. For example, I think Bioware's writing staff should probably be replaced and have been woefully unimpressed with their dialogue and/or storylines for quite some time now.
Really? I thought the characters finally started talking like real people in Mass Effect 2 and Dragon Age. The story is cliche, sure, but the dialogues are awesome. Yes, I'm a guy fanboy of Alistair. Sue me.

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 02:59 PM

I love Casablanca, and totally agree. I personally did not enjoy Pirates 2 or 3 (I enjoyed seeing Pirates 2, but that's just because of who I saw it with). I hated Superbad and most movies along that vein and flat out refuse to see anything with Jack Black because I can't stand him. I thought Ice Age (and its sequals) were terribad.

But you know what? I won't make fun of you for watching them (any more than just a simple "ewwwww" comment in jest). I don't judge you for liking them. My tastes are just that: my tastes. If they were your tastes they'd be your tastes and you wouldn't be watching those movies :smallwink:

My problem with ME, ME2, Dragon Age, and all of Bioware's games can be summed up with this: there are never any shades of gray. They pretty much boil down to "Good guys right here, bad guys right there, kill they dead." Also I'm particularly annoyed at this recent trend of including sex to sell games. The "sex" scenes are never fun, very rarely add anything to the game, and are generally a waste of time and money that could've been spent adding on another level or making an existing level more fun.

Eloi

2010-06-13, 03:24 PM

Yeah. And I have very strict tastes in movies. I'm not snobby in the sense of "How could you possibly like that movie" but there is a very narrow band of movie I'm ok with.
Well, I suppose I could understand that.

Now with video games, I'm a huge snob, and a very stringent critic. For example, I think Bioware's writing staff should probably be replaced and have been woefully unimpressed with their dialogue and/or storylines for quite some time now.
HERESY! YOU MUST BE SMITTEN FOR THE EMPEROR! Well okay, interesting opinion.

Umael

2010-06-13, 03:38 PM

I have to say that I find it very rude that just because I didn't like a movie that you happened to like that it's "snobbery."

What you said was:

You see, I wouldn't touch Prince of Persia with an eleven (it's ridiculous, it's not even funny) foot pole either. It's a VIDEO GAME movie.

Serpentine didn't find your attitude snobbish because you didn't like a game that she liked. She found it snobbish that you wouldn't "touch" this movie because it was a "VIDEO GAME" movie.

As I see it, it was both your reason for rejecting the movie that you gave (it's a video game movie) and how you explained why you rejected it.

Now your other reason, being stingy - that I agree and understand!

Saying something like, "in my experience, video game movies have never been good, even the ones everyone else raves about - so why bother spending my hard-earned money on something I'm not going to like?" - that would have been fine. Laudable, even.

But by saying you wouldn't "touch" it implies that if I got Prince of Persia when it came on DVD and I invited you to watch it on my HDTV Big-Screen Plasma TV That I Don't Have - you would refuse. Don't get me wrong - there are movies that are like that. There are movies I have no interest in seeing, even for free. But I'm not going to diss those movies - and that is why I backed up Serpentine and found your phrasing to be a bit on the snobbish side.

Syka

2010-06-13, 06:32 PM

Don, it's hard work making a relationship work. It's a lot of compromising (but only on stuff that won't make you feel bad), it's a lot of time, and even when the person doesn't mean to hurt you, you will get hurt. They (and you) are human, and like it or not, we make mistakes and hurt people we love. It's a matter of deciding what mistakes you are willing to accept and what you cannot.

Now, that doesn't seem to be the crux of the issue. Your issue seems to be more not being able to turn a sexual relationship into a romantic relationship. Quick fix (and I'm totally serious about it): Stop having sex with the girls before you are in a relationship! If you are finding all they want is no-strings attached sex, and you want strings-attached sex, then just don't have sex unless strings are attached.

Seriously.

Oz was uncomfortable with a trend he saw forming in his dating habits after his ex (the longest girl he dated was a month, most lasted about a week). He found that he was getting bored quickly but they were getting too attached. He took it a step further, though, and stopped dating altogether: no sex, no dates, nothing. He wanted to find someone with whom he ALSO wanted to have a relationship with, not someone who liked him more, not someone just to have sex with.

So he waited until he found someone he'd actually want a long term thing with *coughcough*.

I've known a few other people for whom that sort of deal has worked. If you know what you're problem is (and you do), then just stop what is the issue. It'll definitely suck for a while, he doesn't lie about that, but it's better than a string of unsatisfying flings.

On movies: I'll admit, I can be a movie snob at times. I'm generally very open to movies (I love SyFy), but there are some I will refuse to see unless A. I'm not paying for it and B. I seriously have nothing better to do. Prince of Persia is one of those, as is A-Team. I know people who love it- my best friend does. I don't. I like mindless entertainment sometimes, like the Transformers Franchise, but I generally need more than that. It's a rare movie that I'll watch just for the hell of it. Even Splice, as much as I got squicked out by the end, was still a good movie.

My favorite movie (no joke) is A Knights Tale. I get some flack for that, but it was a reasonably well made movie, with a good cast, good music, and a good script.

I won't knock people for liking the movies I don't like (exception to rule: Twilight), but don't expect me to see them unless I seriously have nothing better to do. If you offered me Prince of Persia, I might decline. PoP just does not look like a movie I'll enjoy (although...Jake Gyllenhal doesn't hurt....:smallamused:) The only way I'll be seeing it soon is if Oz really wants to see it.

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 06:46 PM

Knights Tale was ok.

RabbitHoleLost

2010-06-13, 06:56 PM

Has he made any overtures? Is he giving signs that he'll start? Do you have any reason to believe he might other than the whole you wanting to bone him thing?
Is him, you know, telling me enough of an overture that you'd drop the idea that I think everyone is in love with me?

But, yes, he knows I think he's attractive because I tell him on numerous occasions. I'm one of those people that constantly compliments my friends, because I find many, many things I appreciate about them.
He knows I'm in a serious relationship.
I just don't know how to approach the situation, though I suppose sktarq's suggestions is the best route (As always. Man, I missed you, and thanks for the PM the other day =D )

Syka

2010-06-13, 07:02 PM

Knights Tale was ok.

:P

I know it's not the best, it's just my favorite for many reasons. Not the least is it is the movie that made me a biiiig fan of Alan Tudyk. It's just one of those movies I fell in love with. I think it was the first movie I saw in theaters multiple times (at least three times).

Just like Splice was actually a really, really good movie. But in no way is it ever seeing the light of day on my favorite list. Ever.

My favorite movie list and my best movie list will look like two different beasts. (Shutter Island, Dark Knight, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and some like that float between; but there is some big differences.)

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 07:07 PM

I know what you mean syk :smallwink: Airplane! is one of my favorite movies, but it's certainly not... what I would call good. Just... hilarious and a must-see.

Coidzor

2010-06-13, 07:23 PM

Bioware.

Well, look at it this way, they could be Bethesda. :smallwink:

Eloi

2010-06-13, 07:29 PM

Well, look at it this way, they could be Bethesda. :smallwink:

What's wrong with Bethesda? I enjoyed Elder Scrolls and Fallout 3 (played the first two too), really don't see why everyone hates them so much.

term1nally s1ck

2010-06-13, 08:03 PM

Heh, something you could easily read from my description :smile: But generally, no. I generally group women I'm interested into two broad categories (this is based on personality, not looks, btw...). Women I want to uhm.. do.. uhm.. stuff with X number of times and then never see them again and women I can easily see myself marrying a few years down the road.

The problem is a bit different. I have two default modes of talking to women that I'm interested in. One is a fun, Van Wylderesque mode where I tease and hit on a girl non-stop, and the second one is a nice guy in all senses of the word. I can go interchangeably with the two (before anyone sticks me up on this, both are parts of my personality and depend mostly, but the problem is... If I act like I'm trying to hook up with a girl, a girl sees it that way and the only thing I really get out of it is a hook up with no strings attached (when I actually want strings.. :smallfurious:).

No, sure, I can keep it going, but there's no emotional involvement... If I act like a nice guy, well, it's just not very attractive and I become the "friend" (which is kind of ironic, because with my actual female friends, we tease each other pretty much nonstop).

That's pretty much my problem in a nutshell... I simply have no idea how to get a girl interested in me for anything other than sex.

Get to the point where a hook up is very much a possibility, then start spending a lot of time with her, and have more conversations on the phone/online, etc. Will work pretty consistently.

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 08:08 PM

Well, look at it this way, they could be Bethesda. :smallwink:

By this he means, "Look at it this way, they could actually be good." And I agree! Bioware could be as good as bethesda!

Eloi

2010-06-13, 08:10 PM

By this he means, "Look at it this way, they could actually be good." And I agree! Bioware could be as good as bethesda!

Ooooh okay then, I agree, heh, sorry. :smallredface:

sktarq

2010-06-13, 08:11 PM

I just don't know how to approach the situation, though I suppose sktarq's suggestions is the best route (As always. Man, I missed you, and thanks for the PM the other day =D )

Couple things that have worked for/on me in the past:
Don't you hate these awkward silent moments-
Life is complex, it would be simpler if wars were abolished, cars always worked, or I didn't happen to be dating someone else right now

And for the Pm you're welcome but old newspapers with chance folds need to share the credit.

And I swear there is relationship thread around here. Anyway off to see a movie....and a potentially complex relationship

Coidzor

2010-06-13, 08:20 PM

By this he means, "Look at it this way, they could actually be good." And I agree! Bioware could be as good as bethesda!

No. No I did not.

Rabbit: I am not your enemy, nor should you presume such. I simply enjoying having strings of questions.

sktarq: Good line, if I were her I'd actually consider using that one.

Superglucose

2010-06-13, 08:28 PM

BTW I don't think of Fallout3 or Oblibbs (well, Shivvering Isles was) as Bethesda games. I'm not sure wtf was in their heads for those. Oh yeah, I remember now: they wanted to be mainstream.

Eloi

2010-06-13, 08:42 PM

BTW I don't think of Fallout3 or Oblibbs (well, Shivvering Isles was) as Bethesda games. I'm not sure wtf was in their heads for those. Oh yeah, I remember now: they wanted to be mainstream.

And it worked, considering the sales and rating. Money, dear person. They are a company after all. The mainstream crowd simply has more people.

Saphy

2010-06-13, 08:45 PM

How did a thread about relationships turn into a thread about good/bad movies? :P Just sayin'.

Anyway, my question is:

How do you deal with parents that hate your significant other? My parents actually forbid me to see him alone / go on dates with him (I'm just about to graduate high school)? I don't want to be a 'bad daughter' by sneaking out or whatever, but I do like this guy and I have been going out with him for over a year now. Any ideas?

Jimp

2010-06-13, 08:51 PM

Are friendship woes allowed in this thread or is it strictly dating relationships?

Eloi

2010-06-13, 08:54 PM

Are friendship woes allowed in this thread or is it strictly dating relationships?

'Relationship woes' seems like a broad enough title to include both, methinks.

Raistlin1040

2010-06-13, 08:57 PM

*sigh* All my usual advice-givers are either offline, displeased with me, or sort of the cause of this problem, so I'll just drop this here. Sorry.

So, about a month ago, my first big serious IRL relationship ended. We were together for 10 months. We are still attempting to be friends (it's a tentative friendship at the moment, but I think we can be, after some time). However, like, a week and a half ago, I realized that I was developing a crush on my best friend, also recently single. I didn't tell her, and was content with just being friends.

However, on Thursday morning, she confessed that she also liked me, and I told her that I felt the same way, and we kissed, and such, and are now sort of casually dating. I was really happy and excited about it, but today I realized that...I don't know, I'm not ready. I'm over my ex-girlfriend, I think, but I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship again. I want to be with this new girl, and I really like her, but I'm not sure that I can actually be in it.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her friendship, because more than anything else, that is most important. I also don't want her to feel like I led her on. I'm really just sort of dazed and disoriented, and I don't know what to say or do, if I should say or do ANYTHING.

tomandtish

2010-06-13, 09:29 PM

Raist:

Here’s some advice (it’s free, so remember what they say about it).

Sounds like you need to tell her what you are feeling, and do it sooner rather than later. If you wait too long and then things blow up for some reason, the odds of things going disastrously wrong go up. It’s especially important in this case because since you are both recently single, it is possible that one or both of you are going through a rebound. I’m not going to say that rebound relationships never work, but they have a much higher failure rate. The being best friends part complicates things as well because it is easy to get feelings all mixed up. One of my best friends is a woman I dated for 3 years in college. We had good times, but we also fought a lot. One of the things we finally realized is that the qualities that made us good friends actually made us a poor couple. Simply put, we were too much alike, namely strong willed, so when we fought neither would back down. As friends we could kep some distance, but a marriage would not have lasted. Incidentally, she’s still one of my best friends (we’ve both been happily married to others for 16 years). I’m “Uncle Tom” to her kids, and am a regular visitor with house keys and alarm codes.

Ironically, it sounds like you summed up what you’re feeling pretty well right here. She’s your best friend, you do have feelings for her, but you don’t want to jeopardize the friendship, and you’re not sure you’re ready emotionally for the next step yet. It’s possible she’s just as nervous as you are, and by talking you can both be clear on what you want and feel.

One point of clarification (for both of you): Did both of you just recently decide you have the feelings, or have either of you felt this way for a long time and just started acknowledging it? If the former, then this is much more likely a rebound relationship and needs to be handled with caution if you don’t want to risk the friendship.

Short version: Talk to her. If she’s truly your best friend, she’ll understand your concern, and you can decide together how you want to address it. And she may bring up points that will help alleviate some of your concerns.

Pheehelm

2010-06-13, 09:35 PM

Saphy -- Nine hundred ninety-nine times out of a thousand, parents that hate your SO are seeing something you're not. Why do they hate him?

Jimp -- See the first sentence of the opening post.

Raistlin1040 -- You don't have to go into super-serious relationship mode right away. Be honest with her and take it as slow as you need. She should understand. Heck, if she's recently single, she may feel the same way.

Raistlin1040

2010-06-13, 09:35 PM

I've liked her for a while, but I naturally form...somewhat romantic connections with people, all of the time. I know better than to act on them, of course, but I crush fairly hard on people all the time. It was like, a while ago, probably around two and a half months ago, I really started caring about her, but I sort of buried it, because I really wanted my relationship at the time to work out. It just sort of came up again after my breakup. I don't know how long she's liked me. I've been meaning to ask, but it seems sort of egotistical.

Umael

2010-06-13, 09:36 PM

How did a thread about relationships turn into a thread about good/bad movies? :P Just sayin'.

Because the question of "which movie shall I take my date to see?" came up, with the assumption that the female wanted to see Sex and the City 2. That's when the carnage started.

(This is nothing. In RW&A #12, the thread got jacked over a discussion of what constitutes "good chocolate". Also tangentially related, but still...)

How do you deal with parents that hate your significant other? My parents actually forbid me to see him alone / go on dates with him (I'm just about to graduate high school)? I don't want to be a 'bad daughter' by sneaking out or whatever, but I do like this guy and I have been going out with him for over a year now. Any ideas?

You got a couple of options here, depending on how good of a relationship you have with your parents and how good of a relationship you have with your significant other.

Probably your first option is to figure out why your parents don't want you to see him anymore. Now, assuming your parents are open-minded, they will have a good reason, maybe even a reason that you know already. If the reason is a valid one, you need to take a look at your significant other and examine if it is true. For example, if your boyfriend does drugs, your parents have a very valid concern and you should seriously consider some changes. If, however, your boyfriend is a strong liberal and your parents are just as strong conservative, then the reason is not valid - it is a personal one.

Of course, the situation could be something in-between. Your parents think he is into drugs (but you know its just prescription medication) or there was a mis-communication - something that can be possibly smoothed over. In that case, the success of this depends very strongly on the relationship you have with your parents, but you can see about getting them to realize that they made some incorrect assumptions and why. Try not to pin the blame on either your boyfriend or your parents. Hopefully, both your parents and your boyfriend care very much about you.

Option three comes when there is no yielding of ground. Your parents don't like him and they are not going to change. Assuming you explored options one and two faithfully (no cheating here - you're only hurting yourself if you do), it's time to examine your relationships and even weigh the pros and cons. Will a relationship with your boyfriend lead to a continued strain on your relationship with your parents? Do you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your parents once you have graduated and are legally an adult? Will you be able to take care of yourself if your parents disowned you (yes, that possibility needs to be considered - this kind of thing has happened before).

Don't focus all your attention on your parents. IS your boyfriend worth it? If you decide to walk out of your parents' house and never look back, despite not knowing how much you might need to live on your own, and three months later, you break up with him, burning the bridge between you and your parents is going to look like an awfully foolish decision. Even worse, if you get pregnant and he walks out on you... you get the idea.

Don't forget to call for backup, if you have any. Is there anyone in your family, or maybe even a family friend, to whom you can talk about this? More importantly, will your parents listen if this extra person talks to them about you and your relationship? Just as importantly, will YOU listen to that person if you point out something unpleasant about your boyfriend that you've been ignoring (or just didn't see)?

Are friendship woes allowed in this thread or is it strictly dating relationships?

Relationships are not just romance, but friendship and familial.

Ask away.

However, on Thursday morning, she confessed that she also liked me, and I told her that I felt the same way, and we kissed, and such, and are now sort of casually dating. I was really happy and excited about it, but today I realized that...I don't know, I'm not ready. I'm over my ex-girlfriend, I think, but I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship again. I want to be with this new girl, and I really like her, but I'm not sure that I can actually be in it.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her friendship, because more than anything else, that is most important. I also don't want her to feel like I led her on. I'm really just sort of dazed and disoriented, and I don't know what to say or do, if I should say or do ANYTHING.

As bizarre as it sounds, you already said what you need to say. Just tell it to her.

You realize that you moved too fast, you aren't ready for a relationship at this time, but you believe you do want to be in a relationship with her when you are ready.

Be fair to her. Make it clear that you need some time to be alone, to make sure you are getting into a relationship for the right reasons and that you will be the right person in the right frame of mind when you. When that time comes, if she's found someone else, then that's what happens. Don't tell her to put her life on hold, but if she's still there when you're ready, and you still want to be with her, look her up. Consider your time together a trial run, if you must. As for how long it might take, don't set a time limit on it - which is why if she finds someone else, that's the risk you took when you put what you had now on hold to sort yourself out.

Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll

2010-06-13, 09:51 PM

Alternatively, sometimes parents just don't get it. There are some girls whose parents are just out and out hostile to anyone resembling their daughters boyfriends.

Then again, these are the girls who have to keep their skirts at school to avoid them being taken away, and have to do all their makeup on the way to school, so possibly bad examples...

Jimp

2010-06-13, 10:14 PM

It's summer again which for me means a lot of time alone. Moreso than before as this year I'm sitting in a sort of friendless gulch as my interests and life change direction. I don't really fit in with the nerdy/geeky people any more as I find RPGs and gaming less and less interesting. The only remaining relics of this interest are steam gaming and yu-gi-oh. I don't fit in with the music and media crowd pretty much at all but that has always been true to varying degrees, though it hasn't been helped by how my memory is getting worse. My relatively new (2 years old) interest in cars has lead me to a new group of people who I get along with alright but still by and large do not fit in with. Too nerdy for the petrolheads, not nerdy enough for the nerds, not much of anything for the media people; if you get me :smallbiggrin:
As a result of all this my weeks are getting emptier and emptier with the only regular contact being with my friend in London over msn and the rare visit to another friend's house in the city. I don't see my nerdy/geeky friends at all since college has ended for the summer and they are all away doing their own things. I only see the petrolheads I know once a month at most. None of this is helped by the fact that I'm living with my family again so I'm now at least an hour's drive from anyone I know.
I'm not sure where to start rectifying this to be honest. When I try to organise something with the geeks or media people they're usually not interested or have done/seen it before/recently (without me). Petrolhead events are formally organised so there's not much I can do on that front. Even when I do get to talk to people I rarely have anything to say. It's difficult to have stuff to talk about when you have no social life, and it's difficult to have a social life when you have nothing to talk about :smallwink:
So I'm basically at a loss around the subject. Where to from here, TWaA thread?

Serpentine

2010-06-13, 10:56 PM

I have to say that I find it very rude that just because I didn't like a movie that you happened to like that it's "snobbery."You didn't say you "didn't like a movie" - that would be fine, possibly depending on your reasons. You said that you refuse to see Prince of Persia solely because it is a "video game movie". You didn't even leave room for renting it for a few dollars, or even seeing it on TV for free. That is snobbery, pure and simple.
*sigh* All my usual advice-givers are either offline, displeased with me, or sort of the cause of this problem, so I'll just drop this here.Am I offline or a cause?
It may just be jitters and doubts. I had those all the way through my last relationship, and that lasted 4 years!
In any case, pretty much what everyone else said: talk to her. That last relationship was a big deal to you, it's only reasonable to be uncertain and want some space afterwards. Explain everythig you said here, pretty much.
In the same format as the other advice I gave you, I think you have the following (reasonable) options:
1. Put it on hold for now until you have everything sorted out. You can't expect her to wait, though, and you'll have to be careful if you don't want it to hurt (you may not be able to avoid some hurt). This method will probably lead to the least long-term drama and confusion, though.
2. Talk to her about going slowly and tentatively. Be very communicative the whole way through, and ease yourselves into it. Be aware that the doubts will probably still be there - I think it's just the way it is.
3. Throw yourself into it wholeheartedly. Barge straight through all the doubts, and enjoy it for all it's worth.
I can't really say which is the best, it's up to you.

Raistlin1040

2010-06-13, 11:10 PM

You were offline, Serpy, sorry if I made you feel left out.

Coidzor

2010-06-14, 12:28 AM

Don Julio Anejo

2010-06-14, 12:28 AM

Don, it's hard work making a relationship work. It's a lot of compromising (but only on stuff that won't make you feel bad), it's a lot of time, and even when the person doesn't mean to hurt you, you will get hurt.

Not really an issue for me, I never force myself or my beliefs/habits/etc on anyone and I'm perfectly willing to compromise.

Now, that doesn't seem to be the crux of the issue. Your issue seems to be more not being able to turn a sexual relationship into a romantic relationship. Quick fix (and I'm totally serious about it): Stop having sex with the girls before you are in a relationship! If you are finding all they want is no-strings attached sex, and you want strings-attached sex, then just don't have sex unless strings are attached.
This sounds exactly like a scene from Scrubs :smile:

Keith: "I just wanted to see if you even remember my anniversary or not"
Elliot: "Keith, why are you trying to mess up a good thing?"
Keith: "What, so now my feelings don't count?
Elliot, to Bob Kelso who just sat down at their table: "Sir, can we help you?"
Bob Kelso: "Oh, you already are sweetheart. I forgot to bring my paper here but this little gapfest you're having is just delicious. So go on... You were talking about your relationship, only he's the chick and you're the dude"
Keith: "All you care about sex"
Elliot: "Oh here we go.. nag, nag, nag!"
Scene on Youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENEMCdPjq1c). Worth watching for an awesome moment with Snoop Dogg intern at the end :biggrin:

On a serious note... I think my biggest issue is that I don't know how to attract a girl without, well, hitting on her like all I want is to sleep with her. It's just that if I'm not, I act completely like a friend. I.e. don't tease, flirt, play around or anything and instead act like she's a dude friend who likes girly girl things.

So he waited until he found someone he'd actually want a long term thing with *coughcough*.
So, uhm, have you met her? :wink: Are you okay with it and just want Oz to be happy or do you want to kill the b****? :tongue:

My favorite movie (no joke) is A Knights Tale. I get some flack for that, but it was a reasonably well made movie, with a good cast, good music, and a good script.
You actually get flak for that? That's easily in my top 5 favourite movies, after Amelie, Casablanca and About a Boy (a Hugh Grant romantic comedy that most people have never heard about).

Get to the point where a hook up is very much a possibility, then start spending a lot of time with her, and have more conversations on the phone/online, etc. Will work pretty consistently.
Pretty good advice. I did exactly that with my last ex, acting more romantic as she got to like me better instead of simply trying to sleep with her (and actually pretty much just turned down sex at one point, even though we had it on later occasions).

But I don't know how well it worked, considering... About 3.5 months in I got dumped (with the worst part being I wasn't even officially dumped at any point in time) for another guy (I actually wrote about it in this thread). It may have been just circumstance, considering she kind of liked him before we met, then he left the country for a few months, then her ex-special forced dad (who would most likely kill me, quite literally) came here to visit her for a month or so and I couldn't see her very much, the other dude came back around the same time (they go to school together)... until at one point I was hanging out with her, we bumped into the other dude and they shared a nice long passionate kiss. In front of me. Nice. Oh yeah, and she still wouldn't admit he was her boyfriend after that, even though I had my doubts (and questioned her about it) ever since he came back and she conveniently couldn't see me very much even though she strongly dislikes spending time with her dad.

Sorry, had to vent, I'm still not exactly over it. Anyway, I'm not sure if the above is me not being attractive enough after I toned down hitting on her and started acting more romantic, it's her liking the other guy more and my behaviour having nothing to do with it at all or if it's simply a matter of circumstances - her actually not being able to see me much and seeing him at school every day.

term1nally s1ck

2010-06-14, 12:46 AM

Anyway, I'm not sure if the above is me not being attractive enough after I toned down hitting on her and started acting more romantic, it's her liking the other guy more and my behaviour having nothing to do with it at all or if it's simply a matter of circumstances - her actually not being able to see me much and seeing him at school every day.

Well, the circumstances definitely didn't help, but you probably made a very common mistake, and became boring along with the romantic.

If you're too often romantic, it's no longer a good thing, and becomes predictable and dull. In general, a mix of the two is probably best. Keep up the flirting and teasing, but toss in some random romance too. She'll love it.

In other news, my current interest will probably be joining me on a small boat to watch a pretty spectacular fireworks show tomorrow evening. If there's a better place and time for our first kiss, I can't afford it :smalltongue:

Though it's worrying that this is the first girl in a while I've wanted things to progress further with, and it's also the only one I didn't pick myself. We met on a blind date for charity just before Valentine's. Didn't get much chance to see each other for a long time over hols and then exams, but met up on sat with her and her sister who was visiting, and judging by how she behaved with her sister there, I think if it'd been just us we may not have left her place after she got changed when the weather worsened. :smallamused:

potatocubed

2010-06-14, 01:06 AM

How do you deal with parents that hate your significant other? My parents actually forbid me to see him alone / go on dates with him (I'm just about to graduate high school)? I don't want to be a 'bad daughter' by sneaking out or whatever, but I do like this guy and I have been going out with him for over a year now. Any ideas?

They might believe that you're still too young to be pursuing a serious relationship. Have they specifically said "you can see anyone else, but not him"?

Superglucose

2010-06-14, 04:50 AM

Ok, K. I need you to do me a favor. You see, you're very pretty and we had an instant connection, but when we're playing "truth or dare" and I have to answer, "What's your ultimate sexual fantasy" you can't respond with "omfg that would be awesome!"

That's gonna cause problems as long as you're dating that guy from Virginia.

Fostire

2010-06-14, 07:42 AM

I need some advice/help on matters I would like to maintain as private as possible and that are probably not forum appropriate. Could one of you send me a PM?

Saphy

2010-06-14, 02:47 PM

They might believe that you're still too young to be pursuing a serious relationship. Have they specifically said "you can see anyone else, but not him"?

He has ADHD, which my parents think make him 'mentally unstable'. He's on medication and he's not dangerous or anything. He just talks too much and can't sit still haha. He's honestly not a bad guy, and he has taught me a lot and cares for me, but I don't think my parents get that. :P I don't plan on marrying him or anything, and my mom's fear of "well all your friends will ditch you because you're going out with him" has not come true...

Coidzor

2010-06-14, 03:29 PM

He has ADHD, which my parents think make him 'mentally unstable'. He's on medication and he's not dangerous or anything. He just talks too much and can't sit still haha. He's honestly not a bad guy, and he has taught me a lot and cares for me, but I don't think my parents get that. :P I don't plan on marrying him or anything, and my mom's fear of "well all your friends will ditch you because you're going out with him" has not come true...

:smallconfused: How old are your parents? That's... rather old hat to be concerned with that.

Super: I stand by my earlier sentiments regarding the quality of friendship you regrettably seem to engender.

Umael

2010-06-14, 03:30 PM

He has ADHD, which my parents think make him 'mentally unstable'. He's on medication and he's not dangerous or anything. He just talks too much and can't sit still haha. He's honestly not a bad guy, and he has taught me a lot and cares for me, but I don't think my parents get that. :P I don't plan on marrying him or anything, and my mom's fear of "well all your friends will ditch you because you're going out with him" has not come true...

Well, from the sounds of it, this is a case of your parents being overly-protective.

As I asked earlier, can you call in back-up? A family member or friend of the family to whom they might listen? If you go to church, maybe a church leader? Basically, a neutral party, an adult whom they view as responsible and whose opinion they value, or at least accept?

kusje

2010-06-15, 02:07 AM

:smallconfused: How old are your parents? That's... rather old hat to be concerned with that.

Are you kidding? I'm 25 and I would be concerned about that (if I had children). I know plenty of friends who would be concerned about it as well so I am definitely not alone.

Serpentine

2010-06-15, 02:08 AM

He has ADHD, not the plague...

Superglucose

2010-06-15, 02:10 AM

Are you kidding? I'm 25 and I would be concerned about that (if I had children). I know plenty of friends who would be concerned about it as well so I am definitely not alone.
Thank you for telling me that I'm so mentally unstable that a slight chemical imbalance in my brain is enough to make you forbid your daughter from dating me! I'm going to put you on ignore so I never have to see your ignorance again.

kusje

2010-06-15, 02:21 AM

He has ADHD, not the plague...

It might not be the plague but it is still a disorder that requires treatment. Ceteris paribus, I would consider a person with ADHD to be of lesser stock than the one without. You must also realize that this is genetic disease and I wouldn't want my grandchildren to have such a disease.

@Superglucose

You're welcome. I hope it calms you to have me on ignore.

Serpentine

2010-06-15, 02:24 AM

Are you serious? :smallconfused: I was going to tell Superglucose off for overreacting, but that's... I don't even have words for that, so I'll wait for someone more eloquent to come along.

Quincunx

2010-06-15, 02:27 AM

I can't be eloquent with a mouthful of popcorn. (offers the box to Serpentine)

So we have impulsiveness and overreaction in one person, the very traits the other person is eugenicist and willing to dictate about to the children they do not own, and all of those negatives demonstrated before our eyes in the span of (checks cell phone) fifteen minutes. I think that's a new speed record.

@V: Ok, this? This is Coidzor being the voice of reason for a non-romantic relationship which began very far off-base from normalcy.

Coidzor

2010-06-15, 02:28 AM

^: Well, you know, it all really boils down to me wanting to see steps taken towards Spess Mehreens before I die. Well, either that or extraterrestrial development. I'm trying not to be picky.
It might not be the plague but it is still a disorder that requires treatment. Ceteris paribus, I would consider a person with ADHD to be of lesser stock than the one without. You must also realize that this is genetic disease and I wouldn't want my grandchildren to have such a disease.

Now, see, you might almost have a point if she were old enough that reproducing with him was something that wouldn't **** her life and her sprog's lives up more than ADHD (which, hell, we don't know what severity we're talking here anyway). ...Or was on the table. Or if the parents in a western society had any kind of legal or moral right to dictate the reproduction or marriage of their offspring.

And if you didn't have such poor word choice that just makes you sound bigoted. Seriously, "lesser stock," just sets off people's emotional buzzers.

I mean, hell, I'm in favor of getting to the point where genetic screening and counseling is routine rather than fringe exceptions for groups which would be crippled otherwise (There was that one subset of Ashkenazi that always gets brought up in genetics classes, now if only I could remember what their name was)... But this sort of stance really just flirts with seeming too dangerously close to those who would dehumanize others or already have...

Don Julio Anejo

2010-06-15, 02:59 AM

Never thought I'd say this, but maybe.. we should stop the discussion of genetic screening or whether someone makes good breeding stock? Even though it doesn't technically violate forum rules (unless we start talking about the politics or religion of it), it's bound to start a flamewar and it's certainly going to make one segment of the forum angry at another.

Perhaps we could offer advice on how to deal with the situation instead? (For the record, I would, but I have nothing constructive to offer, both times this situation came up for me and a girl, we ended up going behind the parents' backs. Granted, it was justified as both times they were the exact definition of overprotective parents who wanted to make all their kids' decisions until the kids died from old age, but hardly constructive or moral advice).

Superglucose

2010-06-15, 03:13 AM

So we have impulsiveness and overreaction in one person
I hardly think I am overreacting to him thinking I am of "lesser stock." I am also highly offended at you: had he been against the relationship because one of them had been homosexual, you would have been amongst the first to jump down his throat.

The only thing I can say is that I smelled his bigotry out from a mile away. Well, also that people who think like him are, to me, the very lowest a human being can stoop to. The minute someone can seriously and honestly say, "This human being is worth less than I am because of this situation that is not his or her choice" is the minute someone becomes worthless to me. And I truly do mean worthless. No value. Everyone is born with equal worth, and it is what we choose to do with what we have that defines our value, be it to society or just the immediate people around us.

His attitude is the cancer that has plagued humanity for centuries, and I find your acceptance of it disgusting at best. He is the reason there are wars, he is the reason for genocide, he is the reason for Jim Crow, and he is the reason why the feminist movement is necessary. It does not just offend me that he basically says he would warn his children from even dating me, he is also saying that some of my friends shouldn't be dating. He is saying that my friends and I do not deserve happiness, at least we don't deserve happiness as much as he does. And frankly? He is as wrong as they come.

There is no reaction to that other than, "You're an ass." Again, how would you have reacted if he said that the deaf don't deserve to date? Or how about someone who is unable to use their legs? A blind person? Then why is it ok to demean those with ADHD?

Quin, you are almost as horrible as him for passively accepting what he has to say and for dismissing my offense at his words. So enjoy your popcorn. I do not have to, and will not ever, put up with someone telling me I am of lesser stock. I do not have to, and will not ever, put up with people demeaning the people I know and care about for what those people cannot control.

Serpentine

2010-06-15, 03:39 AM

Superglucose, when you said that he hadn't said anything about "lesser stock". You did overreact. Your reaction is retroactively (more) acceptable, but it was originally an overreaction.

Quin did not by any stretch of the imagination "passively accept" his attitude, any more than she advocated yours. She said, in fact, "the other person is eugenicist and willing to dictate about to the children they do not own".

I agree with you in this case, but you are not helping it with those sorts of accusations.

Superglucose

2010-06-15, 03:46 AM

I can't be eloquent with a mouthful of popcorn. (offers the box to Serpentine)
That is passive acceptance.

And he said that if he had children he would not want them dating people who had ADHD. Excuse me if I took that as an insult to me, the fact that he said that there was something wrong with me.

Coidzor

2010-06-15, 03:57 AM

So, to the opener of the topic, Saphy, I believe, if you're willing to deal with the consequences of it getting back to them (that is, if you like him enough to do it), well then do it. I know I'm just going to sound like part of a chorus here, but, whatevskies, is your choice. So either do that or decide based upon totally divorcing your decision from their retributive influence. But still remember to account for it in actualizing your decision if you do that route.

Speaking of Jims, I need to listen to some Croce.

Serpentine

2010-06-15, 03:58 AM

To the PM: I protest how you said it and your immediate resort to ignoring, not what you said. Rereading it, it doesn't look so bad.
Regarding Quin: Meh. She scolded him as much as you.

Oh, by the way:
You're welcome. I hope it calms you to have me on ignore.Wow. Patronising, much?

edit: The main problem for others with regard to ADHD is bother to parents and teachers. As you would be neither, it is not your problem.
The main problem for themselves is potential for learning difficulties. This is preventable through environment and habit changes, and yes medication if necessary. With treatment and consideration, it has literally no negative impacts on their lives or "fitness" (as far as I'm aware).
In terms of evolutionary fitness, it seems to hail back to a point in our evolution where it actually benefited the "suffers". Nowadays, it can facilitate amazing artistic and technological creativity.
They are not physically disabled. They are not mentally retarded. They are not less fertile. They are not likely to be harmful to others. They are, in summary, in no way "disabled" or "diseased" or "disadvantaged" except when it comes to paying attention.
If you are against them breeding, then I hate to see your "perfect humanity". It must be incredibly dull.

Superglucose

2010-06-15, 04:19 AM

I have no interest in what someone who thinks like he does would have to say. None at all. That's what the ignore function is for. From him saying that my friends are subhuman, that they are of inferior stock, and not worth as much as him I know enough about him as a person to honestly say that the world, my world, is much better off without having him in it. Selfish? Yes. Overreacting? No. I don't need to listen to him. I don't need to hear what he has to say. I don't need anyone telling me that I'm "inferior" since I do that enough as it is. His petty and pathetic justifications for his stance (in this case, apparently he's contenting himself with the fact that I need to be "calmed" and taking it as affirmation of his beliefs) will do nothing but rile me up even more, mostly because they are born of and give birth to the same ignorance that irritated me in the first place. In any case, what would you prefer I had done instead of putting him on my ignore list?

As for Quin, she actually scolded me because I was offended. I am "impulsive" and "overreacting" because I was offended? Bullcrap and no. I thought about what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it. Maybe the wording was too strong for your tastes or for Quin's, but that's irrelevant to whether or not I was being "impulsive" and if you agree with what I said, then you can't feel that I overreacted. It was a carefully composed and calculated response. It was designed to bring his ignorance out of the woodwork. And it succeeded admirably. I count him as a lost cause, but hopefully someone will see what he's saying laid bare and recognize it for the bigotry it is.

@Eloi: YAAAAAY! :smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin: That's terrific news!

Eloi

2010-06-15, 04:19 AM

Just wanted to pop in and say someone's dating me now, yay. :smallbiggrin:

(Reads above posts) Whoa flame war. *slowly backs away*

Coidzor

2010-06-15, 04:23 AM

Just wanted to pop in and say someone's dating me now, yay. :smallbiggrin:

(Reads above posts) Whoa flame war. *slowly backs away*

Yay! I hope is cuter than button! :smallbiggrin:

Lillith

2010-06-15, 04:39 AM

It might not be the plague but it is still a disorder that requires treatment. Ceteris paribus, I would consider a person with ADHD to be of lesser stock than the one without. You must also realize that this is genetic disease and I wouldn't want my grandchildren to have such a disease.

@Superglucose

You're welcome. I hope it calms you to have me on ignore.

Uhm... excuse me, but are you trying to say that anybody who has a disorder is to be considered dangerous and not allowed to breed? I'm sorry but I find it very offensive that you even call it a 'disease'. While I don't have ADHD myself, I do have a different genetic disorder, would this mean that I'm less worthy to have kids? I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself and others, I'm not hindered by my disorder and actually do better at school because of it. If this counts for me, then so does it count for other people. Honestly if I were you I'd be a bit more careful about what you're saying. This is pretty ignorant behavior. Not that I'm comparing you to said person, but in the past we already had someone who thought people with disorders were 'not allowed to breed'. It didn't end well, wish people would stop saying ignorant stuff like that.

Serpentine

2010-06-15, 04:43 AM

The way you worded it was an overreaction to the post you were replying to - not as much as I originally thought, now that I've read over it again, but nonetheless. If you saw someone torturing a puppy and you took a baseball bat and bashed their head in then tracked down every member of their family to give them the same treatment, even though I agree with your feelings I would still think you overreacted. So yes, you were impulsive and overreacting because you were offended. Don't tell me what I can and cannot feel just because I have such-and-such an opinion. Being offended is totally reasonable, the way you handled it was slightly excessive.
No, I'm not talking about blocking him. However, you could block him without telling him so. You could also tell him you were ignoring him without being insulting about it. You chose not to.
He hasn't called people with ADHD "subhuman" or "inferior". It's not a stretch to get that from what he said - especially the latter - but you are doing noone favours by putting words in his mouth.

Quin commented on your "impulsiveness" and overreaction. She said nothing about your offense. Again, you're seeing insults that just plain aren't there. This is a distressing tendency you have, and I urge you look into it.

I agree with your position - in fact, if you'd just said "I don't think I overreacted", I'd probably simply agree with you now, especially considering his later post. But thus far you're starting to make him look a whole lot better.

Eloi: Good stuff :smallbiggrin:
On my note: I maded a fwend, I think :smallsmile: Girlfriend of a... somewhere between "friendly acquaintance" and "friend".

Quincunx

2010-06-15, 04:46 AM

Thought about Saphy's situation for a bit. The only odd thing is that her mother said something about this guy isolating her from her friends (or feared it and it didn't happen, to be more precise). Her mom was wrong and it was a false fear, but seeing that yellow-flag potential to cut you off from friends was what made her worry in the first place. It couldn't hurt to arrange something with your friends and without him, and to enlist your mom "for transportation" or something so she can see it. That won't make her like your guy any better but it'll ease her worries about you. Yeah, your guy may be rightfully miffed that he must be excluded for this one event, but he should understand that mending the family misconception is important enough to sacrifice one evening of couples-togetherness.

potatocubed

2010-06-15, 04:48 AM

In any case, what would you prefer I had done instead of putting him on my ignore list?

As a general rule, I think it's better to be aware of people with bad opinions but not respond to them. Exposure to alternative points of view, even if only so one can understand why they're wrong, is a good mental exercise. Not responding cultivates self-discipline.

Plus, I find that every post by a complete tool comes with a free self-esteem boost. I'm pretty convinced of my own natural superiority anyway, but it's nice to have evidence.

Superglucose

2010-06-15, 04:51 AM

It was not impulsive. It was carefully calculated. All I did was call him out. I will always call people like him out. I was not impulsive; I thought out my words. I was not overreacting; I was calling him out. Rudely? Perhaps. Perhaps that is what I judged the situation merited. So if you want me to say it: I don't think I overreacted. I think I calculated the situation, understood the subtext of what he was implying, and responded with the appropriate amount of forcefulness.

Oh, and "lesser stock" means "inferior."

@Potato: it's not always worth it.

Serpentine

2010-06-15, 04:57 AM

Upon review, I see your response was not as overreacting as the impression I originally got - which wasn't by much, which is why I didn't say anything in the first place.

But as a final thought: Rudeness is never justified, and only serves to undermine your own position.

Coidzor

2010-06-15, 05:03 AM

And, let's face it, we had a very serious risk of undermining the thread this past page.

potatocubed

2010-06-15, 05:18 AM

It was not impulsive. It was carefully calculated. ... I was not impulsive; I thought out my words.

His post: 8:07 am.
Your post: 8:10 am.

Superglucose

2010-06-15, 05:21 AM

Three minutes is a fair amount of time to think about what I want to say. Imagine if you said something to my face and I waited three minutes to respond. You'd probably be upset and wondering if I was ignoring you.

So at Beth's (pseudonym) grad party (that was last sunday, and I mentioned katie's comment towards the end), she did something. I forget what but she was complaining about how she wished someone else would do it. I said, "Get your boyfriend to do it" and she responded with, "Who?" Pretty much everyone in the room instantly got a confused look on their face as they looked from Daniel to Beth thinking, "... what? He's not your boyfriend?" Even Daniel got this look on his face much to the extent of, "... wait what?"

In a sense I'm a little bothered by it (and katie is VERY bothered by it, to the point where she really wants me to have an intervention) because nothing that Beth has said or done even remotely hints that she likes Daniel at all. Then again, Daniel has constantly been a prick to me and is continuing to do so at an alarming rate, so whatever.

I bring this up because it's the best example I can give of the whole "desperation" thing Syka and Serp were bringing up. Here we have a girl (Beth) who is so bloody desperate in the follow up of her relationship ending that she's with this guy that no one, not even her, seems to like. The only reason those two spend every night (and yes, I do mean EVERY night they share a bed) together is because Beth is trying to fill the gap of her ex bf.

Daniel on the other hand is so desperate for female companionship that he's ok being nothing more than a warm body. It's gotten to the point where it's painful to be around them: he's so sickeningly loving (always hanging off Beth) and she's so sickeningly apathetic that I just want to scream.

Guys and girls, whatever it takes don't let this happen to you. I used to have a major crush on Beth, and it is now gone because of this. In fact, I can't even imagine dating her at this point. And as for Daniel, my opinion of him hit rock bottom.

On another front, I've decided to call Megan and just finally tell her everything. I know that over my time of knowing her, she has... well she's often said that I always make her feel better about herself, and we've always sort of danced around a few issues. Mainly, that I am always reminding her how pretty she is.

The thing is, she's the kind of girl who would cut me out of her life only because I'm on her mind. This is what she did with two other people, both of whom she cut out because, in her words, she wanted to date them and they didn't want to date her. It both bothers me that she might have cut me out for that reason (after all, we have spent years dancing around this issue, and in retrospect her crushing on me for as long as I've been crushing on her makes a lot of sense from the way she did things like sit next to me in economics instead of next to her huge clump of friends across the room, or invite me to pretty much everything and make sure to go to events I was attending), because the moment she decides, "I like him but he doesn't like me" is the moment my string of relationship fails is absolutely and positively complete: a girl i am head over heels for decides that I don't like her.

But even if she doesn't like me and actually hates me, I don't want these feelings to be unexpressed. I want her to know that I love her deeply and have been attracted to her for a very long time. Yeah, she's way too far away and a relationship wouldn't work. Still, I think at the very least she deserves to know that someone loves her and cares about her deeply (well, someone who isn't a family member).

term1nally s1ck

2010-06-15, 05:59 AM

Ok....wow...

Not sure if there's much by the way of help you guys can give...but I need to let off steam.

There's a girl I've been occasionally dating for a while, who I'd always found very hard to read. She flirted, and I flirted back, but I could never tell if anything further would be appreciated.

That is, until the most recent time we met up, which was while her sister was visiting. For four hours, she was as blatant and obvious as it is possible to be, making me more than certain that she was interested in something happening. I, being a muppet, purposefully ignored it to try and get her to make the first move. She was typically female, so did not.

Last night, I invited her to watch the fireworks. If she'd come alone, I'd have simply kissed her. She brought a couple of friends I'd not met, which confused the hell out of me. I eventually pointed out to her the very obvious reason I'd have come to visit at half 10 in the evening just to watch the fireworks. With her. Alone.

She tells me there's another guy, and that she didn't mean to lead me on like she had done. Fair enough, have heard that once or twice before. However, the really really weird thing is that I read all the signals and body language perfectly on our previous meeting. I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO. She was trying to show off to her sister that she could land a hot guy if she wanted, and was confident enough in the general obliviousness of men that she was happy to do all that stuff with me around, and didn't expect me to notice.

There is something wrong with a world in which one sex is presumed to oblivious that body language can be used as a secret language right in front of their eyes. Guys, for the love of god, PAY ATTENTION.

J.Gellert

2010-06-15, 06:14 AM

(Bunch of very true stuff)

Unfortunately, it's not about watching carefully. Some people (girls and guys, but as far as I am know, mostly women) will easily flirt with people they don't care about romantically. To you it may be weird, inexplicable, or even cruel, but to them is a great way to raise self-esteem.

Bonus points if they act completely surprised when you call them on it. "What? Really? You thought I was being flirty? Ohh!".

Moreover, that the women who actually need that self-esteem boost, usually don't have enough confidence to leave the terrible relationship that they are already in. So they probably wouldn't get involved with the men they are flirting, even if they wanted to.

Don't worry about it, eventually you can tell which is which and not bother with it. You may even do it yourself eventually. :smallamused:

Eloi

2010-06-15, 06:24 AM

Unfortunately, it's not about watching carefully. Some people (girls and guys, but as far as I am know, mostly women) will easily flirt with people they don't care about romantically. To you it may be weird, inexplicable, or even cruel, but to them is a great way to raise self-esteem.
Oh? :smallconfused:

Bonus points if they act completely surprised when you call them on it. "What? Really? You thought I was being flirty? Ohh!".
Interesting, never met a lady in my life that ever did that.

Moreover, that the women who actually need that self-esteem boost, usually don't have enough confidence to leave the terrible relationship that they are already in. So they probably wouldn't get involved with the men they are flirting, even if they wanted to.
Really? None of that seems true to me at all. Anything you said. We probably have different life experiences, but I don't do that, no one I know (not even passingly) does that. So...yes, all of that seems very strange to me.

J.Gellert

2010-06-15, 06:31 AM

Really? None of that seems true to me at all. Anything you said. We probably have different life experiences, but I don't do that, no one I know (not even passingly) does that. So...yes, all of that seems very strange to me.

Well, it's probably not common, but I've seen it happen numerous times. It's not always on purpose. Consider: many people who are in relationships still remain flirty even though they wouldn't give up that relationship. It's a fact: Being admired is an excellent confidence booster.

(Though, if it's on purpose, it looks much, much worse. I once asked a girl friend of mine why she kept hitting on a close buddy of mine and then freezing him out. She said she wouldn't leave her relationship, and wasn't at all interested in my friend, but she saw no harm done by this. The subtext was that her boyfriend didn't know, my friend was too big a chicken to make a serious move and ruin it, and she liked the admiration. And the only way I could bust her on this was that I had a similar personal experience 3 years before that. :smalltongue: Experience shapes us, yes? Levelup!)

Coidzor

2010-06-15, 06:43 AM

kept hitting on a close buddy of mine and then freezing him out.

I believe this bit right here. Yeah. That's rude.

term1nally s1ck

2010-06-15, 06:46 AM

No, I can usually tell the difference between friendly flirting (I constantly flirt with all my female friends, and half of them flirt right back :smalltongue:) and actual interest...the problem was that she was trying to show to her sister that there was something going on, so she was coming across as actually interested.

Syka

2010-06-15, 09:37 AM

See...the problem is when people confused "Friendly" with "Flirting". I'm friendly, I'll engage in conversation and smile and all that. Because I smile all the time and I like talking to people. Apparently not a girls are like that, because I've had people remark on my flirting. Except...I'm not. I'm being friendly. x.x

On ADHD. I have (undiagnosed) ADHD, Inattentive Subtype. It's basically ADHD without the H since ADD is no longer a proper classification. The only reason it's never been diagnosed is we never felt the need. Numerous doctors and educators have mentioned that it's pretty much definite I have it- independently of each other- and it's a moderate case. If you look up a list of ADHD-Inattentive symptoms, particularly one that is for women, I'll hit most- if not all- of the symptoms. Some in a manner that actually effect my life, although less so now than when I was younger (see strategies, below).

I never got diagnosed because my parents weren't going to put me on medication. They helped me learn coping strategies and I developed some of my own (I doodle in the margins of my notes...I'm 23 in grad school and still have to doodle or otherwise be doing something in order to pay attention).

Saying I am worth less, which is what lesser stock means, is offensive and mean. It CAN be genetic, but is not always. It does not make me a danger to society or less of a person; I am very successful at this point in my life. All it means is I have to work harder to be on topic. Is it a disease? Yes. Is it dangerous or life threatening? No.

I've questioned whether or not I should have biological children for health reasons, but my ADHD is NOT one of those reasons.

Saphy, can you expand a little bit more on why your parent's don't want you seeing him? Is he prone to violence, acting out, or anything like that? Why were they worried you'd be isolated from your friends? There may be a red flag your parents can see that you can't.

J.Gellert

2010-06-15, 10:45 AM

It's "when you clearly show you are interested in someone, in a sexual way, and that you are available, yet without actually taking the initiative." So it's not proactive (like hitting on someone) and it's not casual (as flirting with a friend might be) but I don't know what to call it. :smalltongue:

Faceist

2010-06-15, 12:07 PM

Really? None of that seems true to me at all. Anything you said. We probably have different life experiences, but I don't do that, no one I know (not even passingly) does that. So...yes, all of that seems very strange to me.
It does happen. Honestly, if anything, you're lucky you haven't encountered the kinds of people who do this, since it's textbook narcissistic behaviour.

Anywho, had a bad experience lately I'd like to get off my chest. I was dating this one girl for a few months (mid-January-ish up until May) and everything seemed to be going pretty well. No arguments, we saw each other pretty frequently (at least a few times a week), sex was alright... just a good relationship. There's this yearly musical festival in my town, starring local bands, so of course we made plans to go together. When it got to the day she didn't respond to any of my texts asking when/where to meet, so I figured "she's probably at one of the metal stages or indoors or something, and she can't feel her phone vibrate", and I make my way into town with my best buddy. We get drunk, listen to a band doing hard-rock Beatles covers, see a guy with no pants fall flat on his face (seriously!), and have a good day out. About 11 PM my girlfriend texts me asking to come into the club where the afterparty was going on: the exact text reads "we need to talk xx"

My friend is suitably paranoid, warning me that no good conversation has ever started with those words, but I figure things were going well, you know? Just two days before I'd been in bed with her, with her telling her how much she loved me. Plus I didn't think she'd invite me on a goddamn night out just to dump me. I... was very wrong. I pay ten quid to get in and without preamble she tells me it's over and she hopes we can still be friends. She further tells me (later on) that she fell out of love with me a while ago, and was just keeping up appearances, but was sick of it. This instantly made me figure that basically all of her earlier affection, all the "I love you"'s were just lies to spare my feelings. Nonetheless I think I handled it pretty well, all things considered: I told her I hoped we could still be friends, gave her a hug, had a drink with her (my friend seething in the background on my behalf all the while) and went home to have a cry. Then I got over it. I'm only twenty, we had some fun together, and at least she was straight with me about the whole thing, right? Done and dusted.

Apparently I was mistaken. I re-hooked up with an older ex (and recurring "friend with benefits") a couple weeks later. (This is kind of a pattern with us, comforting each other after breakups, and usually doesn't lead anywhere.) I figure my most-recent-ex would be fine with this, considering she broke it off, but she instantly starts demonizing me to her friends and saying I'm a whore. I asked her if she still has feelings for me, which she denies, so all I'm getting out of this is the sense that she doesn't want to be with me, yet doesn't want me to date anyone else either. :smallannoyed:

term1nally s1ck

2010-06-15, 12:11 PM

It does happen. Honestly, if anything, you're lucky you haven't encountered the kinds of people who do this, since it's textbook narcissistic behaviour.

Anywho, had a bad experience lately I'd like to get off my chest. I was dating this one girl for a few months (mid-January-ish up until May) and everything seemed to be going pretty well. No arguments, we saw each other pretty frequently (at least a few times a week), sex was alright... just a good relationship. There's this yearly musical festival in my town, starring local bands, so of course we made plans to go together. When it got to the day she didn't respond to any of my texts asking when/where to meet, so I figured "she's probably at one of the metal stages or indoors or something, and she can't feel her phone vibrate", and I make my way into town with my best buddy. We get drunk, listen to a band doing hard-rock Beatles covers, see a guy with no pants fall flat on his face (seriously!), and have a good day out. About 11 PM my girlfriend texts me asking to come into the club where the afterparty was going on: the exact text reads "we need to talk xx"

My friend is suitably paranoid, warning me that no good conversation has ever started with those words, but I figure things were going well, you know? Just two days before I'd been in bed with her, with her telling her how much she loved me. Plus I didn't think she'd invite me on a goddamn night out just to dump me. I... was very wrong. I pay ten quid to get in and without preamble she tells me it's over and she hopes we can still be friends. She further tells me (later on) that she fell out of love with me a while ago, and was just keeping up appearances, but was sick of it. This instantly made me figure that basically all of her earlier affection, all the "I love you"'s were just lies to spare my feelings. Nonetheless I think I handled it pretty well, all things considered: I told her I hoped we could still be friends, gave her a hug, had a drink with her (my friend seething in the background on my behalf all the while) and went home to have a cry. Then I got over it. I'm only twenty, we had some fun together, and at least she was straight with me about the whole thing, right? Done and dusted.

Apparently I was mistaken. I re-hooked up with an older ex (and recurring "friend with benefits") a couple weeks later. (This is kind of a pattern with us, comforting each other after breakups, and usually doesn't lead anywhere.) I figure my most-recent-ex would be fine with this, considering she broke it off, but she instantly starts demonizing me to her friends and saying I'm a whore. I asked her if she still has feelings for me, which she denies, so all I'm getting out of this is the sense that she doesn't want to be with me, yet doesn't want me to date anyone else either. :smallannoyed:

Tell her straight out that if she wants to be your friend, but doesn't want anything more than that, then she has no right to be annoyed at you for that sort of thing, unless they tried to kill her dog or something.

Umael

2010-06-15, 12:40 PM

Echo what term1nally s1ck said, add that every time she lied and said she loved you when she didn't and was just keeping face was a slap and she should either at least own up and be a proper friend or get out of your life.

(Also - she does have the right to disapprove of your behavior. Hooking back up with an old flame to comfort yourself after a loss isn't something I consider the best either, but... it's your bed, literally, you sleep in it.)

Trellan

2010-06-15, 12:52 PM

*Stuff*

I may be slightly pessimistic here because I know people like her, but if I had to guess, she's mad because you "got over" her too quickly. You weren't supposed to be able to hook up with someone a few weeks later, you were supposed to be devastated and unable to even think about being with anyone for months. Her pride demanded it, and you hurt her pride by not doing so. It sounds stupid and childish, but I've known plenty of people like that in my life and she is acting exactly like they would.

Syka

2010-06-15, 01:44 PM

I may be slightly pessimistic here because I know people like her, but if I had to guess, she's mad because you "got over" her too quickly. You weren't supposed to be able to hook up with someone a few weeks later, you were supposed to be devastated and unable to even think about being with anyone for months. Her pride demanded it, and you hurt her pride by not doing so. It sounds stupid and childish, but I've known plenty of people like that in my life and she is acting exactly like they would.

Pretty much. My ex pulled the same stunt (relationship was longer, though). He even had cheated on me and had the balls to get upset when I wouldn't reveal what was going on with my love life a month and a half after we broke up. I ended up being accused of having cheated on him (projection, much?)

Tell her that if she can't say something nice, that you won't say anything to her at all. :smallamused:

Honestly...there is no easy way to deal with people who act like that unless you just ignore them and if people ask tell them what actually happened.

Keld Denar

2010-06-15, 01:55 PM

Uh...preach it Trellan. I'm VERY pragmatic. I understand that unfortunate things happen, and its ok to feel sorrow, but beyond the initial "awwwwww", there is nothing that being sad or upset or angry can acomplish. This is probably the reason why I've never been depressed (like, clinically) despite it running in my immediate family (dad and sis). I've gotten sad, usually for a day tops, and then I move on with my life. I would have no qualms about dating someone even a day or so after I just had a major break-up, because the act of breaking up is finite and discrete, at least for me. Its over, severe ties, reflect upon the experience to learn from it, and move on.

Sure, I've gotten pangs of regret or whatever when talking to exes, even years later, but I just acknowledge that there is nothing further worth concerning myself with and dismiss it.

I do know people who are the exact oposite though. Breaking up is a process, and a lengthy one at that. There is so much back and forth love and hate and everything in between. There is pride, self-worth, and a host of other "self" concepts that they feel need to be bludgeoned to death through repeated analysis that quite frankly, I just don't understand.

I'm 26, have been "in love" twice, and am currently dealing with a clingy ex who broke up with ME, and won't move on for her own good and mine. I've already moved on with my life, why can't she? Maybe I'm just jaded or something, or maybe I just handle loss well, be it the death of a beloved childhood pet or the end of a 2 year relationship.

Superglucose

2010-06-15, 02:23 PM

Pretty much. My ex pulled the same stunt (relationship was longer, though). He even had cheated on me and had the balls to get upset when I wouldn't reveal what was going on with my love life a month and a half after we broke up. I ended up being accused of having cheated on him (projection, much?)
My ex's ex did that to her. He went into such a horrible fit of rage any time I was anywhere near her and etc. The guy was messed up in the head and I really, really wanted to hit him. There's no call at all to be controlling even in a relationship, but I can understand, what with the jealousy and bad ideas about relationships abounding, why someone would think it's ok to want their S.O. to check in occasionally. It's wrong and controlling but I can see where that comes from.

I couldn't understand why this guy thought he still had the right to do it after she broke up with him for it and I understood even less why she continued to do it.

Faceist

2010-06-15, 02:38 PM

(Also - she does have the right to disapprove of your behavior. Hooking back up with an old flame to comfort yourself after a loss isn't something I consider the best either, but... it's your bed, literally, you sleep in it.)
I disagree completely. We're mature enough about the arrangement that (to us) it's really no different than proferring a shoulder to cry on. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I think the relationship that I have with Liz is one of the healthier friendships I have: no arguing, no complications, and no illusions.

I do appreciate the advice though, from you and everybody else. It's a bit of a crappy situation, but I really don't think I've done anything wrong and I do want to stay friends with the girl in question. (Actually reading back over my post it kinda sounded like I was slanting it to make her sound bad, though it really did go down that way.) Cheers, everyone.

J.Gellert

2010-06-15, 03:56 PM

That's what old flames are for. I can understand if a breakup is hard to deal with, but if they start being annoying about it... well, what can I say? Should have thought of that before the breakup! Now they have to suck it up.

I'd be more understanding if you had dumped her, but right now, she's just being... wrong. (I'd use a heavier word but you can't badmouth someone's ex until the proper "rebound" period has passed, as they say. :smallbiggrin:)

This is also the kind of thing that makes you go "Wow, I never knew I was dating such a mean, bad person", which helps with getting over someone, if that's ever an issue :smallamused:

VeisuItaTyhjyys

2010-06-15, 09:06 PM

She was typically female, so did not.

. . .

There is something wrong with a world in which one sex is presumed to oblivious that body language can be used as a secret language right in front of their eyes. Guys, for the love of god, PAY ATTENTION.

A world in which one sex is presumed to be followers to the other's lead, and the perpetual executors of deceit, though? Obviously only guys have to pay attention to women being "typically female." Women just wait for men to make the first move so that they can trap them in their webs of deceit.

Serpentine

2010-06-15, 09:07 PM

I may be slightly pessimistic here because I know people like her, but if I had to guess, she's mad because you "got over" her too quickly. You weren't supposed to be able to hook up with someone a few weeks later, you were supposed to be devastated and unable to even think about being with anyone for months. Her pride demanded it, and you hurt her pride by not doing so. It sounds stupid and childish, but I've known plenty of people like that in my life and she is acting exactly like they would.Or, to put it less harshly:

I may be slightly biased here because I have been a little like her, but if I had to guess, she's upset because you "got over" her so quickly. It was probably hard for her to break it off with you, and then you got with someone else in a few weeks. She expected you to be at least a bit upset - she probably was - and to wait for a while before "replacing" her. Just because she broke up with you, doesn't mean she's "over" you or that she had nothing invested in the relationship. It is a major blow to her self esteem, and you hurt her. It sounds silly and counter-intuitive, but it's a pretty natural reaction.

Neko Toast

2010-06-15, 09:09 PM

This has happened to me three summers in a row now, with the same exact people every time. I don't think I can take this anymore.

To put it simply: My best friend and the friend I have a crush on are dating again. They always seem to get together at the start of the summer, and then somehow break up at the end of it.

I am somewhat concerned about my best friend, as I've heard some of the hardships she's had to deal with in this relationship, but that's not what I'm concerned about. What I'm really upset about is what makes me a horrible person.

I can no longer bear to be in the same room with the two of them anymore. They're two of my closest friends, but now that they're dating, I only feel devastated and depressed. I don't have the courage to tell him how I feel, and even if I did, I fear that I would only be hurting my best friend in the process because of her feelings for him.

I truly hate myself right now. I can't even be happy for them. All I can do is sit here and figuratively beat myself up for being a selfish human being.

Eloi

2010-06-15, 09:10 PM

A world in which one sex is presumed to be followers to the other's lead, and the perpetual executors of deceit, though? Obviously only guys have to pay attention to women being "typically female." Women just wait for men to make the first move so that they can trap them in their webs of deceit.

I'm unsure if the other two posters were being misogynist or misandrist or both or neither but I have no idea why its assumed that either gender has any sort of set behaviors. Some men are mean, some women are mean, some men are nice, some women are nice, they're all people and they all act differently for better or worse. And to risk not sound like a PSA, I'm going to acknowledge that perhaps you were being ironic in the last sentence.

Trellan

2010-06-15, 09:12 PM

Or, to put it less bitchily:

Wow, that was entirely uncalled for. Thanks for that.

term1nally s1ck

2010-06-15, 09:13 PM

A world in which one sex is presumed to be followers to the other's lead, and the perpetual executors of deceit, though? Obviously only guys have to pay attention to women being "typically female." Women just wait for men to make the first move so that they can trap them in their webs of deceit.

There's stereotypes which are unfounded and unfair. Then there's stereotypes which are backed up by years of evidence and admitted as true by most of the people stereotyped when you ask. Most women will NEVER make the first move. I've been repeatedly told that either the guy makes a move, or nothing happens. I know of only 3 women who actually would make a move on someone.

As for the guys paying attention...when a girl runs her hand up my t-shirt's sleeve, and then asks me if I do rowing, gently stroking my shoulder, and expects me NOT TO NOTICE, I have questions about just how oblivious guys can be.

EDIT: Eloi, he was taking a pop at me for being prejudiced :smalltongue:

Serpentine

2010-06-15, 09:17 PM

Wow, that was entirely uncalled for. Thanks for that.You're right, sorry. I've changed it.

Trellan

2010-06-15, 09:23 PM

You're right, sorry. I've changed it.

Thank You. Hadn't really considered that wording it that way might offend people. My bad.

ps - that was surprisingly civil... are we on some kind of bizarro internet?

Serpentine

2010-06-15, 09:28 PM

I make a point of admitting when I'm wrong. What way I'm not hypocritical when I call others on it :smallwink:
Also, when I won't admit I'm wrong, because I'm not, and people say "you're just not admitting you're wrong cuz you don't!" I can say with all honesty "If I were wrong, I'd admit it".
And so on.

Gwyn chan 'r Gwyll

2010-06-15, 09:29 PM

ps - that was surprisingly civil... are we on some kind of bizarro internet?

Giantitp: this is why we're awesome.

term1nally s1ck

2010-06-15, 09:30 PM

Quick, somebody flame something unnecessarily, in a poorly spelled post.

Umm...umm...

Small Furious emoticon, you suck and your opiniun is stupid and irrelevent to these discussion in any meaningfil way.

Eloi

2010-06-15, 09:32 PM

:smallfurious::smallfurious::smallfurious: ohemgee ur awl stooped shuck u all!!!!11!!!1 juyst shuckin shuck ya :smallfurious::smallfurious::smallfurious:

term1nally s1ck

2010-06-15, 09:35 PM

Normality in 3, 2, 1...we have normality, I repeat, we have normality.

Pyrian

2010-06-15, 09:36 PM

...are we on some kind of bizarro internet?Pretty much. Welcome to GitP. :smallcool:

Most women will NEVER make the first move.In my experience this depends a lot on how you define the "first move." Striking up a conversation with a potential romantic interest? Very, very rare to see a woman do that. Deliberately catch your eye, then smile and quickly look down/away and bloody well expect you to get the hint? Dirt common. :smalltongue: I count that latter (or some other form of flirt, there are many) to be a "first move" and I've rarely seen a guy get anywhere without such an invitation.

Another_Poet

2010-06-15, 09:38 PM

Hi fellow forumites.

I don't know if this the right question to seek advice on, because it is not about a current relationship but more about trying to start one. But here is my predicament and I'm open to any advice.

So a while back I broke my leg. I had surgery, my leg is in a cast, and I am on crutches. I will continue to be on crutches probably through the end of June - possibly longer. Even after that, I'll be wearing a big heavy brace and limping for another month.

But I have been single for about a year now and it's summer! I really want to meet women, go on fun dates and generally enjoy summer. But I feel like someone on crutches is not exactly first pick in most peoples' eyes.

I have been doing what I can to stay in shape despite being mostly immobile, and dress nicely, etc. My hair often looks ridiculous because I can't shower properly nor is it easy to use a blow dryer, but whatever. In general I am an attractive man, just clearly disabled for the time being. Most people are more inclined to offer to open a door for me than to chat me up.

Anyone been in this situation? Or how would you go about meeting people if you were on crutches? I don't really want the whole summer to slip by without having a life! Any ideas appreciated :)

And yes, I do realize there are many people out there with permanent disabilities so I know I've got it pretty good, but it is still not a fun summer thus far.

ap

Serpentine

2010-06-15, 09:42 PM

Pyrian: I'm glad you mentioned that, because it's dead true and I never would've thought of it.

Poet: You kiddin'? What you've got there is an instant conversation-starter! Play it up for all it's worth! Make up stories about what happened, decorate your crutches, learn some tricks with them...

term1nally s1ck

2010-06-15, 09:49 PM

Hinting like that is part of the flirting stage, and I do not consider that to be the first move. Mostly because I flirt with everyone, but hey.

I consider the first proper move to be whatever is done to try and move from the flirting stage where everything is iffy to the point when both people know that there's something going on. Usually involves asking about it, or asking them on a date which is known to be a date...

Pheehelm

2010-06-15, 10:57 PM

Slayer Draco -- For what it's worth, you don't sound particularly horrible to me. I mean, you're in a painful situation; it's not like you're being unhappy out of spite.

Another_Poet -- First, this is the right thread, yes.

As to your situation, first, I'm guessing you've heard "be confident" as generalized date-finding advice a few thousand times already. Following on that, this might be a bit tricky to explain, but...don't treat your crutches like crutches. I don't know how you typically behave out in the wild, but if you normally display a razor wit and carry yourself like you're ten feet tall, keep doing that. See if you can manage some "leisurely" poses with your crutches too. Like, (assuming you're on underarm crutches) standing on your good leg, crossing your arms on the armpit pad, and dropping your chin onto your arms. Hard to explain, but watch House for inspiration. Not quite the same thing, but the same basic concept. He doesn't behave like he's got a bad leg and a cane, if you get my drift.

I ran your question past a physical therapist, too. She said about the same things I did, and added that you should talk to one yourself and ask for ideas.

Alternately you could play up the cripple angle and aim for a chick with a nurturing instinct. I don't guarantee it'll end well, though.