Best way to find long lost person?

[Lhurgyof]

I've had an issue bothering me as of late, I don't know who my real dad is... And my mom doesn't want to tell me...
Is there any way to find your genealogy easy and for free? Every website I've tried is either meant to find people before the 30s or requires money. :smallfrown:

[TSGames]

I've had an issue bothering me as of late, I don't know who my real dad is... And my mom doesn't want to tell me...
Is there any way to find your genealogy easy and for free? Every website I've tried is either meant to find people before the 30s or requires money. :smallfrown:

I don't mean to come across hard, but usually those websites will require a name. Without a name, or at least a description, you can't really search, now can you? Speaking as someone who has had to track people professionally, it sounds like you are lacking a name, city, birthdate, SSN, and description. With any of these individual facts, it can be very difficult to find someone, and with all of them, it can be pretty easy. It sounds to me like you have no information and no way to start searching.

I know I may sound hard, but that's how it is; trying to find someone without any information is like being blindfolded and trying to run down a dirt road at night, you'll find it's a lot easier without the blindfold. My only advice: if this is something that is really important to you, acquire information. Be clever, be cunning, be resourceful, utilize those around you. If you cannot even even get a name, phone number, picture, or last city, you probably don't have a chance.

[Lhurgyof]

I don't mean to come across hard, but usually those websites will require a name. Without a name, or at least a description, you can't really search, now can you? Speaking as someone who has had to track people professionally, it sounds like you are lacking a name, city, birthdate, SSN, and description. With any of these individual facts, it can be very difficult to find someone, and with all of them, it can be pretty easy. It sounds to me like you have no information and no way to start searching.

I know I may sound hard, but that's how it is; trying to find someone without any information is like being blindfolded and trying to run down a dirt road at night, you'll find it's a lot easier without the blindfold. My only advice: if this is something that is really important to you, acquire information. Be clever, be cunning, be resourceful, utilize those around you. If you cannot even even get a name, phone number, picture, or last city, you probably don't have a chance.

Well, I have his last name, which is my old last name, and the name of my mom (his ex-wife), so I'm running with that much, using my mom and trying to find any husbands listed.

Unfortunately, yes. It is hard searching for this person. As I've tried like 10 websites and none of them have really proven useful.

[Jack Squat]

To get a name, can you look through your mom's documents to try and find old wedding/divorce papers? His name should be listed on those. You could dig them up using your mom's name in a public records building too, assuming you know where they were married/divorced - but I can't say if it'll cost you or not.

EDIT: It should be on your birth certificate as well.

[Cealocanth]

{scrubbed}
So that leaves two choices, send in a chink of yourself and several thousand dollars and wait for possibly inconclusive results. This will take several months, at minimum. The other choice is to do it yourself, but unless you're a geneaologist, I bid you good luck.

However you wish to do it, good luck. I think it'd be easier to just convince your mom to tell you, assumming she knows.

[TSGames]

Well, I have his last name, which is my old last name, and the name of my mom (his ex-wife), so I'm running with that much, using my mom and trying to find any husbands listed.

Unfortunately, yes. It is hard searching for this person. As I've tried like 10 websites and none of them have really proven useful.
If the last name is uncommon enough, and you know where he is/has lived, you may be able to find his family(parents, brothers, cousins, etc). Usually, this will require knowing his first name as well. Finding the relatives is usually the best way to get a hold of someone you are attempting to locate. If the last name is not uncommon, then it will not be of help to you. If your mom had been born in the Facebook generation then there would likely be an online record of some kind, as it is now, there may not exist a record of her coupling with your father.

However, upon further reading of your post, it may be possible to find out some information about him for free. If your mother was officially(not common-law) married to him, then she had to file for divorce(or he had to file). Court proceedings are public record. Many states have websites that allow you to search court documents. Using the appropriate website for your state, you may be able to view the record of the divorce proceedings online, which would most definitely include the county of the filing, and your father's full name. It could be a good starting point.

[Lhurgyof]

Thanks for the results guys, it seems like too much work for a minor to start up to at 11 pm on a school night. :smallsigh:

But yes, thank you all. Some of these things seem a little hard, while others seem a little easier. I want to do it quite stealthily. I know my mom won't want to talk to me about him. :smallfrown:

And a little off-topic, but this whole thing arose in my dream last night, I dreamed that I was being told who my dad was, and that he was an ex-wrestler, so I thought "sweet, Stone Cold Steve Austin" (I used to love him when I was a kid), and was told my dad is Monte Cook. Haven't thought of who my dad is in a LOOOOONG time. Weird how the human brain works.

Edit: And yes, my mom knows who my dad is... It's not one of those situations.

[mucat]

I would strongly advise you respect their privacy here.

Doesn't mean you can't search public information. It's your right; that's why they call it "public." But when people start suggesting you go through your mom's papers looking for divorce filings...just don't.

You've got one parent who has been real family for you. Probably two; you mentione looking for your "real dad"...implying that you've got another dad who has actually been there, filling that role. If he has done his best for you, then he is your real dad; the other guy's just your father.

Honoring the people who have shared their lives with you should be more important than tracking down someone who may or may not care that you exist.

[Dr.Epic]

Have you thought to try a private investigator? Anyone know who effective they are?

[VanBuren]

I would strongly advise you respect their privacy here.

Doesn't mean you can't search public information. It's your right; that's why they call it "public." But when people start suggesting you go through your mom's papers looking for divorce filings...just don't.

You've got one parent who has been real family for you. Probably two; you mentione looking for your "real dad"...implying that you've got another dad who has actually been there, filling that role. If he has done his best for you, then he is your real dad; the other guy's just your father.

Honoring the people who have shared their lives with you should be more important than tracking down someone who may or may not care that you exist.

At the same time, isn't there some kind of individual right to know about your origins? Especially if there's any risk of an inherited condition.

[Thajocoth]

At the same time, isn't there some kind of individual right to know about your origins? Especially if there's any risk of an inherited condition.

Inherited conditions are certainly a good reason. I couldn't care less about my biological father, but I know he had a pacemaker when he was my age. Makes it a good idea to be more careful with my heart.

Good luck with your search!

[VanBuren]

Inherited conditions are certainly a good reason. I couldn't care less about my biological father, but I know he had a pacemaker when he was my age. Makes it a good idea to be more careful with my heart.

Good luck with your search!

That's what I'm saying. I mean, I'm adopted. Known that from a young age, so my definition of "family" puts blood relation pretty low on the list. As a matter of fact, in some sense I consider extremely close friends to be a sort of family.

Point being, I have little more than a cursory interest in my biological donors, but for those reasons of inheritable factors, I think I should probably do a little research. That, and it's a mystery, which makes it 10x cooler.

[Johel]

Edit: And yes, my mom knows who my dad is... It's not one of those situations.

You know your birthday, right ?
Take 9 months back and then start searching for information regarding your mom's romantic affaires around this period.

Potential sources :

Your grand parents (just be subtle enough)
Your mom's friends (girls tend to gossip about that)
Your mom's colleagues (if she's been working at the same place since you were born)

[Lhurgyof]

You know your birthday, right ?
Take 9 months back and then start searching for information regarding your mom's romantic affaires around this period.

Potential sources :

Your grand parents (just be subtle enough)
Your mom's friends (girls tend to gossip about that)
Your mom's colleagues (if she's been working at the same place since you were born)


They were married, so it's not one of those situations either.

[Sipex]

It's natural at your age (highschool?) to be curious about your real parents. Most kids go through that if they've not met them. He hasn't been in your life much though so keep in mind that there's probably a reason for this. It could be as minor as your mother getting custody and he moved away or he might not want to have you around (sorry, as harsh as it is it's a possible truth you have to be prepared for).

On the topic of finding him, yeah, public records and medical records. His medical information will be linked to yours and you can check the divorce preceedings like otehrs have said.

[Fawkes]

It shouldn't be difficult to figure out who your mother has been married to. The better question is, why does she want you not to know? My advice to you at this point is to just sit down with your mother and have a heart to heart conversation. Tell her how you feel about not knowing your parentage, and ask her if she'll tell you, without necessarily divulging his identity, why she doesn't want you to know. You may find she has a very good reason not to tell you who he is. He may not be the kind of person you'd ever want to meet.

[Abies]

The easiest way to find your father's name is to look at your birth certificate.

If you had the guy's last name its unlikely your mother provided a false name or had the father listed as "unknown". Actually, unless his rights as a parent had been legally revoked prior to your birth most states would just put the mother's spouse's name on such documentation, with or without input from the mother.

Unfortunately as a minor you can't typically order a copy of your own birth certificate (which I find odd), so you're going to have to surreptitously sneak through your mom's vital documents.

[Lycan 01]

Have you tried Facebook?


As silly as it sounds, Facebook has been used to find long-lost relatives. There was a guy who's daughter was kidnapped by his ex-wife when she was a toddler, and the police never found them. Years later, just on a whim, he types in his her name on Facebook and boom, finds his daughter.

If you have his last name, try searching for it. Send a message to the few of the people that pop up, asking "Hey, do you know (your mother's name here) by any chance?" and see if anyone responds. Its unlikely you'll get any favorable results... but there's always that chance.

[TSGames]

Have you thought to try a private investigator? Anyone know who effective they are?
Foolish question. No private investigator would work for a minor, at least not without some serious up front payment. Any P.I. worth half his salt could and would find the guy(provided he's not in hiding), but if the kid can't afford an online webservice fee, how is he possibly going to pay for a P.I.? I don't think GitP members should be encouraging children to sell organs on the black market, 'cause I don't see another way of getting that kind of money(though many P.I.'s would still take the money without a second thought).

[Fawkes]

Have you tried Facebook?

As silly as it sounds, Facebook has been used to find long-lost relatives. There was a guy who's daughter was kidnapped by his ex-wife when she was a toddler, and the police never found them. Years later, just on a whim, he types in his her name on Facebook and boom, finds his daughter.

If you have his last name, try searching for it. Send a message to the few of the people that pop up, asking "Hey, do you know (your mother's name here) by any chance?" and see if anyone responds. Its unlikely you'll get any favorable results... but there's always that chance.

I really wouldn't recommend this.

Look, it sounds odd, but there's probably a real good reason that Lhurgyof's mother is keeping this a secret. She may well be trying to protect him. Now, this is all conjecture, but it's possible that his father is an unsavory person that should not be in proximity to a child.

Lhurygyof, I don't know your age, but you said you're a minor, so I'm going to assume you're somewhere in the 13-17 range. Please, have a serious conversation with your mother before attempting to find your father, and please don't try to make contact with him until you know what you're getting into.

If you need to find your father, and know what you're getting into, I'll even help you find him. But I don't want to be a party to reuniting a kid with someone who may be abusive.

[Wreckingrocc]

As unpleasant as it is, the other option is that your father is deceased. It would explain why your mom would feel uneasy about talking about it (bringing back memories, etc), and it would also be consistent with her keeping his last name. Furthermore, he and your mother wouldn't actually have any divorce records... Though local obituaries certainly would have something.

[Lhurgyof]

As unpleasant as it is, the other option is that your father is deceased. It would explain why your mom would feel uneasy about talking about it (bringing back memories, etc), and it would also be consistent with her keeping his last name. Furthermore, he and your mother wouldn't actually have any divorce records... Though local obituaries certainly would have something.

No, she has my step-dads surname.

And to Fawkes, the fact that he isn't the best person is the reason my mom doesn't want me to know about him. Last time I asked she said all I need to know about him is that he's a bad person. And I'm 17, so I'd probably be able to find out next year anyways, but I'm curious as to who he is. I don't really remember anything of my childhood with him.

[Eldan]

Not to discourage you but if your father was a "bad guy", which likely means criminal, there could well be a good reason why your mother won't tell you. There could have been violence involved, perhaps they were separated because of that. In that case, I would be very careful before trying to make contact with your father.

Really, try to talk to your mother again. It's the wisest course.

[Jack Squat]

Or his mom could just be holding a grudge against her ex, whom she villainized after they split. You're not going to get the whole truth from her, though he's most likely not bereft of blame either.

As to the selling organs to pay for a PI comment, a kidney goes for about $50K. He could do more than pay to find his dad :smalltongue: Really, don't sell organs. It's probably never worth it

[Lycan 01]

Errrr... Retracting previous advice. Running to meet him with open arms may not be a good idea if he's as much of a "bad guy" as your mom suggests. You might bite off more than you can chew.

Finding out info and stuff, though, you can still do. Just hold off on contacting him until you're a bit older and more independant. That much I can say from personal experience - when somebody is a "bad person," they tend to really be a bad person. And I've known people who wouldn't hesitate to use a long-lost relative to their advantage. :smallsigh:

[Fawkes]

And to Fawkes, the fact that he isn't the best person is the reason my mom doesn't want me to know about him. Last time I asked she said all I need to know about him is that he's a bad person. And I'm 17, so I'd probably be able to find out next year anyways, but I'm curious as to who he is. I don't really remember anything of my childhood with him.

I figured as much. I'm sorry, this can't be easy for you.

One thing you can try is to tell your mother that you're going to find out on your own sooner or later, and you'd appreciate it if she would be honest with you. It may help if you stress that it's not about your step-dad, and that you won't be running off to meet your biological father as soon as you find out who he is. I don't know how long you've had your step-dad, but if he's been a primary caretaker for most of your life, you'd do well to assure him that you recognize that.

I hope you're able to figure this out. If they were married in Maine, this website (http://portal.maine.gov/marriage) may help you find a record of the marriage, which would give you a name to work with. Good luck.

[Lhurgyof]

I figured as much. I'm sorry, this can't be easy for you.

One thing you can try is to tell your mother that you're going to find out on your own sooner or later, and you'd appreciate it if she would be honest with you. It may help if you stress that it's not about your step-dad, and that you won't be running off to meet your biological father as soon as you find out who he is. I don't know how long you've had your step-dad, but if he's been a primary caretaker for most of your life, you'd do well to assure him that you recognize that.

I hope you're able to figure this out. If they were married in Maine, this website (http://portal.maine.gov/marriage) may help you find a record of the marriage, which would give you a name to work with. Good luck.

Thanks, that actually helped me find it. Kinda having mixed feelings, though. :smallfrown:

[Fawkes]

Yeah, it's not an easy situation. Now you should have a name, which will help if you want to continue your search.

If I were you, I'd think carefully about any actions you take. Sleep on anything before you do it. You may not really want to know everything.

[rakkoon]

Okay. You have a name. Now is the time to talk to your mother again. Just explain to her that you are really curious and that you have a name. This means you could try and contact him but that you would like to hear from her why you shouldn't.
He could be a bad man because he left with another woman.
He could be a bad man because he likes unclothed boys.

This is info you should have before contacting him.
(And info that should be checked with relatives and such)

[Morph Bark]

(And info that should be checked with relatives and such)

Exactly. And even if your mother thinks it is a bad idea to contact your dad, you could perhaps still see if you could contact your paternal grandparents or other relatives. But that is a matter you should only look into after talking to your mother and being convinced that contacting your dad isn't a good idea right now.

[hobbitkniver]

This is my opinion, but I don't think your mother has any bussiness keeping information about your heritage from you. I don't know your mom, but like Rakkoon said, she might just be angry because he cheated or something. She should at least tell you if he has a criminal record. Even if you are a minor, you are old enough to handle this info.

[VanBuren]

This is my opinion, but I don't think your mother has any bussiness keeping information about your heritage from you. I don't know your mom, but like Rakkoon said, she might just be angry because he cheated or something. She should at least tell you if he has a criminal record. Even if you are a minor, you are old enough to handle this info.

Which is why discussions needs to happen. She may or may not have a good reason, and this is her chance to give it.

[Lhurgyof]

Which is why discussions needs to happen. She may or may not have a good reason, and this is her chance to give it.

From some evidence I have heard over the past, I'm pretty sure it may have been an abuse thing, so I'm not sure. :smallfrown: