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View Full Version : Adumbration's creative dumpsite.



Adumbration
2010-10-19, 02:55 PM
So. After a long, long break in creative writing, I've found myself writing again. This thread is mainly meant for these new creations to get feedback, critique, attacks by grammar nazis (seriously, I would appreciate if someone looked over my language - I'm good enough to fool a spell checker, but sometimes I'm a bit unsure over some choice words and sentences) as well as motivation to keep writing.

With no further introduction, here's what I worked on tonight. It's not finished - far from it - but it's the first creative thing I've written in a few years. If I can find the motivation and ideas, I will continue it - if not, I'll try and pick up some new topic.

The cab was dark, damp and smelly. The dampness came from the sodden clothes he wore, the darkness from the clouds overhead, and the smell from the equally wet monkey on his lap. It was one of those small, skinny things with long, brown fur. He scratched it, whispering soothingly in its ear. Finally it stopped fussing with his coat, curled up and sighed.
"Turn right from here.”
”Where are we heading?”
”Just drive.”
The car curved. The driver's voice was flat. Uncaring.
”Just saying. It would be much easier if you just told me the address. I might know a shortcut.”
The man's voice was tired. Gravelly from grief. He looked up from the monkey on his lap, met the driver's gaze on the rear view mirror. Long, straight brown hair. Dirty. Wet. Pale gray eyes. Face set in a frown, jaw locked with grief. A muscle tensing in his cheek.
Dark gray jeans. No coat. Young.
”I don't have any money.”
Silence.
After a few minutes, the car rolled to a stop.
”You have a home I could drive you to? Maybe someone who could pay for you? Mother? Father? Girlfriend?”
The meter had run up to a sizable chunk of cash.
”No.”
The man looked away.
”Police station, maybe?”
”No police.”
”You're not leaving me with a whole lot of options, sonny.”
The man looked down, leaning forward. Pulling something from the back of his jeans. The driver couldn't see what, but there was no mistaking the audible click. He didn't wait around for more, moving surprisingly fast for a man of his age. He took the car keys, popped the door open and ran for it.

The man sighed and put away the lighter. Leaving the monkey in the back seat, he went about hotwiring the car and breaking into the cash box.


Damn I'm rusty...

Atelm
2010-10-20, 07:27 AM
Focusing on the grammar. Though take all of my commentary with a grain of salt.

I'd put a comma between "damp and smelly" as well as "curled up and sighed", as lists in English often have a comma even for the second to last item on a list. Though this is matter of personal taste, rather than anything strictly mandatory. (this is the case with most English punctuation rules)

Maybe use "soddy clothes" instead of "sodden clothes", although I admit they both carry nearly the exact same meaning. Again, more or less a question of preference. However, after looking it up, "sodden" seems to be in more common use.

For many animals "it" is not used as the third person singular pronoun when the gender of the animal is unstated or unknown, for example, dogs are referred to as "he" in third person singular unless the gender of the dog in question is known by the speaker. I'm uncertain if this rule applies to all animals, but I believe it does.

In your text this might cause confusion with "the man", as refering to both as "he" in the same sentence would only cause confusion. Maybe use a term like "the creature", "the monkey", etc., as a replacement of "it"?

I'd remove "from" from "Turn right from here", "Turn right here" works just fine even without the preposition which looks out of place. Of cource the "here" also looks slightly strange after "from" is take out, replace "here" with "there" or "around that corner" mayhaps? Alternatively, just have "Turn right".

Might want to change "heading" to "headed", though the difference in intention and meaning are minimal enough.

The verb "curve" usually needs an object; "the car curved around the corner", for example. Of cource, I'm not 100 % certain on this as synonyms like "turn" often don't, while others such as "veered" do, in order to have the intended meaning.

Perhaps change the description beginning with "Long, straight brown hair" and ending with "A muscle tnesing in his cheek" into a list. Consider parsing it with several "and"s as well as semicolons when the description moves to some other area or body part.

Near the end add "it was" or "he took out" after "what" in "The driver couldn't see what,".

The verb "pop" is usually used with the trunk or hood of a car instead of car doors, but I can't think of a better alternative.

Change the word order of "put away the lighter" to "put the lighter away".

Adumbration
2010-10-21, 04:42 AM
Thanks mate, I'll look over the corrections more thoroughly later - I don't have reliable net right now. (Seriously though, I'm too bloody rusty - I think I should write a lot of stuff before I post it here again. We'll see how it goes.)