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Vaynor
2010-10-21, 02:08 PM
Welcome to Iron Poet, Round Eleven!!

Rules

1) Only the first 16 respondants expressing a desire to compete will be the contestants. It IS a first come, first served basis.

2) The contest will consist of a number of rounds pitting 2 randomly determined poets against each other until only one contestant remains (winner).

3) Each matchup will be given a theme, picture, article, subject, or other criteria to write on, and the poem submitted must match this as much as possible. Stricter following of prompts may help you win.

4) The winner as determined by a panel of judges will advance to the next round.

5) In case of a judge or judges not posting judgments in a timely manner, Vaynor will adjudicate and determine the winner.

6) The poems will be limited to 1000 words with a 50 word minimum

7) The entries will be poems. All forms of poetry are acceptable, as long as they meet the required word lengths. If your chosen style is too short, you are free to make two of them, i.e., you may make a limerick with 48 words, then add another limerick, still following the same theme, to reach the required word length.

8) All posted deadlines will given in as much time zones as possible, as labeled.

9) No late entries will be accepted. If you don't post or fail to post by the deadline, you will be disqualified. A 15 minute grace period is allowed. You have one freebie per contest, use it wisely. This allows you to be up to half a day late (12 hours) with your poem (no more).

10) If your entry does not include the article(s) and the picture(s), you will most likely lose because of it, however this will not disqualify your poem, as poems are judged on best use of the prompts.

11) The judgments are final. What the judges decide is how it is.

12) The entries will only include content suitable for the Playground.

13) Anything not clear will be decided by me.

14) The contestants will have 1 week (roughly) from the bracket posting to get their entries posted.

15) Post your poems in spoilers. Judges: do not read poems before the round ends.

16) Feel free to edit the post with your poem in it until the round ends. After that, any additional edits will disqualify you (barring a use of your half-day extension).

17) Judges have 1 week to complete judgments. If not all judges respond by this time, the round will be decided as if the late judges were not a part of it (i.e. if there are 5 judges to begin with and only 3 are on time, the round will be decided with 2 votes as opposed to 3). If there are only an even number of judgments, I will cast the remaining vote.

THE IRON POET HALL OF FAME
1. Ravyn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43424)
2. Rubakhin (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54933)
3. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69302)
4. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76283)
5. Truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=82545)
6. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93376)
7. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106066)
8. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=119306)
9. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=141907)
10. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=155861)

Contestants:


Alarra
The Fiery Tower
averagejoe
M-Bark
Rutskarn
Szilard
Azure Butterfly
DreamintheDark
Devigod
Cardea
CWater
Asthix



Judges:

Haruki-kun
Emlyn
Elvaris





POTENTIAL APPLICANTS FOR THE JUDGE POSITION TAKE NOTE: THESE CONTESTS LAST A LONG TIME AND THIS IS NOT A FLEETING RESPONSIBILITY. IF YOU SIGN UP I EXPECT YOU TO POST JUDGMENTS ON TIME. IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO POST JUDGMENTS, TELL ME. THANK YOU.

Current round:

Iron Poet XI: Round 2

Time for an image round! Interpret the image in any way you wish (but keep in mind that sticking close to the prompt can be a deciding factor when judges read your poem).

Rutskarn vs. The Fiery Tower (http://www.flickr.com/photos/midnight-digital/4106711273/lightbox/)
Morph Bark vs. Devigod (http://imghost.1x.com/25251.jpg)
CWater vs. Cardea (http://1x.com/photos/member/18027/33088/)

Deadline: Wednesday, December 8th 2010 at 11:59 pm (EST).

Alarra
2010-10-22, 08:01 AM
I'll contestant this time. Unless you are in need of judges.

truemane
2010-10-22, 08:11 AM
I'll contestant this time. Unless you are in need of judges.

I don't think I've ever seen 'contestant' uses as a verb before. How poetic. I like it.

I'm wavering. I kind of want to compete. But I'm not sure. I'll continue deliberating.

Devigod
2010-10-22, 08:13 AM
I'm wavering. I kind of want to compete. But I'm not sure. I'll continue deliberating.

Ditto. Judging is fun, but also a boatload of work.

TFT
2010-10-22, 10:50 PM
I don't think I've ever seen 'contestant' uses as a verb before. How poetic. I like it.

I'm wavering. I kind of want to compete. But I'm not sure. I'll continue deliberating.

Wouldn't the verb form of it be contest, like "I'll contest this time"? I don't know.

...I'll contest this time. :smallbiggrin:

averagejoe
2010-10-23, 07:22 PM
I'll compete. I don't write much poetry, and it'd be cool to get some feedback.

Haruki-kun
2010-10-23, 07:27 PM
I want to compete.

Actually, I want to judge, but I think I should compete in a contest before going at judging. So yeah, compete.

Alarra
2010-10-23, 10:10 PM
If you want to judge, by all means please do. We always have lots of contestants and no judges.

averagejoe
2010-10-23, 11:24 PM
It's true. I don't think I've ever been in an Iron Poet, but last round, two judgments from the end, I'm like, "I can judge if you need it," and they're like, "Sure, great."

Haruki-kun
2010-10-24, 12:04 AM
Heh. Alright then, I gave it some thought. Judge it is.

Morph Bark
2010-10-25, 12:03 PM
Must the poems follow a traditional structure (limerick, sonnet, etc.) or may they also be... erm... well freeform is not quite what I am looking for, but moreso something that does appear very much like a poem at least, I guess?

I'm bad at following a structure forced upon me (as with limericks and sonnets), but if this is allowed, I'm definitely in.

Alarra
2010-10-25, 12:25 PM
There are no rules regarding structure or form. Some poets prefer to restrict themselves to a specific structure, but most don't.

Morph Bark
2010-10-25, 12:32 PM
Then, I'm in. My structure is prone to change anyway (between entries or even in the middle of one once).

Rutskarn
2010-10-25, 01:06 PM
I see no reason not to get stuck in again. Sign me up, Chauncey.

Szilard
2010-10-27, 08:22 PM
I'm in! :smallbiggrin:
As a contestant. I'm not sure I'd have the time to judge.:smalleek:

Vaynor
2010-10-27, 10:35 PM
It's true. I don't think I've ever been in an Iron Poet, but last round, two judgments from the end, I'm like, "I can judge if you need it," and they're like, "Sure, great."

You have, actually. You participated in the 2nd contest. That was about three years ago, though.

Zeb The Troll
2010-10-27, 11:36 PM
I've not participated as a contestant, though, and I've contributed as a judge a handful of times.

Copacetic
2010-10-27, 11:37 PM
Never done one of these before. Sure, I'll competitor. :smallbiggrin:

averagejoe
2010-10-28, 08:59 PM
You have, actually. You participated in the 2nd contest. That was about three years ago, though.

Whaaaaaat! *looks*

Oh, snap, what was I thinking?

DreamintheDark
2010-10-28, 09:01 PM
I'll try... for the third time. Count me in. =D

Rutskarn
2010-10-31, 08:06 PM
Bit slow getting started this time.

Emlyn
2010-10-31, 08:27 PM
If your looking for another judge, I'd be more then happy to.

Devigod
2010-10-31, 09:16 PM
Ah, what the hay? Sign me up to compete. I have to do something to ensure that my writing doesn't stagnate more than it already has.

Cardea
2010-10-31, 10:29 PM
Sign me up as a contestant.

Vaynor
2010-11-03, 03:51 PM
Come on guys, let's get this contest rolling!

Morph Bark
2010-11-03, 03:57 PM
Surely it isn't that hard to get some more people willing to get in on this! How long did it take to get to 16 with the other contests, on average?

PhoeKun
2010-11-03, 04:26 PM
Surely it isn't that hard to get some more people willing to get in on this! How long did it take to get to 16 with the other contests, on average?

In the earliest days of the competition? Filled up faster than you could blink. For the current iterations, this seems about right.

Be patient, I'm sure another few will come around in time.

Vaynor
2010-11-03, 07:15 PM
As long as your blinks were several days in duration, but yes, this is unfortunately rather slow. This contest isn't exactly known for its speed, however. We'll get there eventually!

Haruki-kun
2010-11-03, 08:17 PM
As long as your blinks were several days in duration, but yes, this is unfortunately rather slow. This contest isn't exactly known for its speed, however. We'll get there eventually!

No hurry. I'll just be over in SMBG if anyone needs me. :smalltongue:

EDIT: NOT writing a novel. :smallwink:

Maybe I'll spread the word a bit...

CWater
2010-11-05, 02:36 AM
*glances around*
*rises hand*
I'd like to compete!:smallredface:
(For the second time)

Asthix
2010-11-05, 02:50 PM
I will also compete.

Vaynor
2010-11-10, 09:17 PM
We still need four contestants and a judge!

Rutskarn
2010-11-13, 04:35 PM
Well, we do have three even brackets.

Vaynor
2010-11-13, 08:11 PM
I guess we could end in three-contestant round.

We'll need one more judge though, anyone up for it?

Elvaris
2010-11-14, 09:23 PM
I'll do it. Sign me up as a judge.

Morph Bark
2010-11-15, 07:00 AM
Awesome. Let's get it off the ground then. :smallbiggrin:


A thought though, I'm not sure how the rounds go (do we all face off at once in every round, or is it 1v1 every round or such?), but would it be possible for other potential contestants to sign up later on, before it'd be their turn?

Worlok
2010-11-15, 07:37 AM
Is it too late to sign up as a contestant? Because I'd sort of like to try this out. :smallcool:

Vaynor
2010-11-15, 02:36 PM
I think in order to get this going as soon as possible, we're going to go ahead with just 12, sorry. It's been more than three weeks and I'd like to get started. Feel free to join the next contest, it should be much sooner than the last one, we'll only have three rounds this time.

M-Bark: It is 1v1, although the final round will be a 3-way match.

Worlok
2010-11-15, 03:40 PM
That's alright, I'll be waiting for the next go, then. :smallsmile:

Vaynor
2010-11-15, 10:59 PM
Iron Poet XI: Round One

averagejoe vs. CWater: Surmount
M-Bark vs. Azure Butterfly: Divide
Cardea vs. Szilard: Breathless
Alarra vs. Rutskarn: Disdain
Asthix vs. Devigod: Dignified
DreamintheDark vs. The Fiery Tower: Laud

Deadline: Tuesday, November 23 2010 at 11:59 pm (EST).

Alarra
2010-11-15, 11:09 PM
Really? I'm against Rutskarn again? The ONLY person that has ever beat me in one of these competitions? :smalltongue:

Vaynor
2010-11-15, 11:20 PM
Yes...?

I blame the random bracket generator for that one, personally.

:smallwink:

Rutskarn
2010-11-16, 12:02 AM
Really? I'm against Rutskarn again? The ONLY person that has ever beat me in one of these competitions? :smalltongue:

****, I guess that means I need to dig up that witch doctor's number again. I think he moved to Holland, too.

Morph Bark
2010-11-16, 09:24 PM
****, I guess that means I need to dig up that witch doctor's number again. I think he moved to Holland, too.

Oh, so that is what my new neighbour is up to, eh? Thanks for the belated heads-up. :smallwink:

DreamintheDark
2010-11-17, 12:55 AM
And once more I am against my brother...

Vaynor
2010-11-17, 02:16 AM
Unintentional, I assure you. :smallwink:

Asthix
2010-11-17, 02:17 AM
I feel weird posting first, but now that I've written it I can't un-write it!

EDIT: Original title Dignified 1
The Judge


Each dawn I rise
To be attended by my hosts

When sun is fresh a bath of clove
When sun is aged a bath of rose

The unchanging garment I don
Wove anew each day

Linen combined with the strands
Of the day before

There is a procession
Unto my place of office

When day is high I listen
When day is low I proclaim

There are some who attempt influence
Yet tradition protects me

The years of preparation
Whittled away the spontaneous

The outrageous and emotional
Leaving me

When light is slow I hurry
When light is steady I wait

Though I do end service with my own addition
Ladies and Gentlemen. Goodnight.

Rutskarn
2010-11-22, 02:48 PM
Me vs. All of It

Eight weeks back by the AC, out of the speakers, in the good light
Drinking weak tea with ginseng, lodged in the thick of the city life
The drink masks the stink of the commuter generation
And the draining of the cup is like a daily libation
To some God I've yet to find

But I think he's in my mind

And this is closest to his House as I know I've ever come
Reading books, drinking tea, sitting back, drinking rum
While outside people's boots play the streets just like a drum
And I listen, and I hate it, even as I start to hum

As I long for some music with celestial tones
A kind of heaven-sent harmony that shakes me to my bones
But just when I think I hear it, it's drowned out by city groans
And I find myself there, sitting--listening--alone
For that tune I just can't find

And I wonder if it's in my mind

And I wonder if the stampede is what keeps me on the ground
If this sea of physicality is where my saints have drowned
If this society's what's got me selling spirits by the pound
If it is I'm still remiss, because I always stick around

And I hate more than I think today, I'm crashing, burning hard
And I drink more than I listen and I can't recall the song
And I feel my boots are tugged at by a vacuum in the throng
And I know somehow I'll be there on the streets before too long

Carried off by the stream

Away from my half-had dream

DreamintheDark
2010-11-22, 09:51 PM
To Those I Admire
Loud voices piercing the sky,
moving our mouths in loud exaltation,
keeping up the joyous sound.
Laudation fills our voices loud,
through this thought of love and praise,
we move our feet in sounds of exaltation,
We keep our bodies moving quick,
hoping never to stop.
And yet that time comes swift,
our bodies stop their motions.
Sadly we walk away,
awaiting the day we do this once more,
joyous sounds of love filling our voices,
we know we will one day be,
extolling you forever.

Copacetic
2010-11-23, 01:02 AM
For this I found only a short haiku seemed appropriate. Except for those pesky rules.

Edit: And now with triple+ the content. DivideIn a jumbled world
The only thing worth knowing
Is life’s boundaries.

I can feel you there
Your touch reminds me of The
Eternal Divide

The dark little gap
You cannot hide the traces
Parents, when they're in your lap
Get your kids braces

Carved almost by chance
Perhaps by a giants fall
There stretchs the distance
From valley face to valley wall

TFT
2010-11-23, 01:19 AM
I plan on getting a poem up, but we'll see if I can get it in on time, or if I have to use my extra time. :smallfrown:.

Morph Bark
2010-11-23, 05:08 PM
Divided
In division I feel united

Divided I am alone

Divided I am unique

But divided I see you

I see him

I see her

Divided we stand

But we stand together

United

Divided

Like the sum of our parts

We each are one

And one together

Together one more

Than all of us alone

Divided

United

Multiplied by our parts

We each are one

Yet more than one

Each unique

Like everyone else

The sum of our parts united

Multiplied

Standing united

Divided

Don’t subtract yourself

Don’t be alone

Just be

Be


...this one got a whole deeper layer of meaning once I read it all over a second time, added just a bit, then read it over again, saw another meaning, then added just a bit more.

It's still short, but I feel it to be amazingly fitting.

CWater
2010-11-23, 08:47 PM
I'm afraid I need to use my freebie. My poem is starting to come together, but I'm too tired to finish it tonight:smallfrown:

Devigod
2010-11-23, 09:16 PM
Prompt: Dignified
Salutations,
honored ally,


please allow me my proposal:
Picture this: my humble leaving; I desire my disposal.
Have you worried, truly wondered why I labored, while you sat?
'Twas my simple motivation, (yours quite lacking,) drove me that
Where I toiled, drove the engine, in the soil, broke my back,
I got sweat, gave you oil, paid my youth while there you slacked.
Tit for tat seems rather lowly: I'm an old man, stooped with age.
Now I'm bitter, you a sitter, you're the one who paid my wage.
Thus I bow, and seek departure. I step down. I need reprieve.
To my higher, I retire, with shoulders, pride and pomp take leave.


Enclosed, please find


my resignation



and my fond regards.




"..."

What's that, you say? Please speak louder, I can't hear you, old my ears...
"You're the boss, sir? What's your desire? You control our small careers?"

Oh. I see then. Carry on.
I need a nap. (With a yawn)

Cardea
2010-11-23, 10:30 PM
Topic: Breathless
Round: One
FOIGHT
PRESS PLAY
I'm shouting. I'm shouting a name.
In the course of events, in the tiding of turns,
Am I to blame?

I'm running towards her.
She turns slowly, she turns to me,
Her face changes even slower,
And she shouts back at me.

STOP FILM
Everything is uncomfortable.
Everything is unmoving.
Everything is dark and cold
I know where I am, but I don't want to say it.

My eyes won't open. My body won't move.
I can't dance anymore; I can't feel my groove.
I can't tap, I can't waltz, I can't stride the ballroom floor,
Something opens. It's a door.

REWIND PLAY
I was running towards her, because I forgot something.
I was talking with my friends, I was making a joke.
I was exiting a door to the... studio.
She was twenty steps behind me.

She was right behind me.
Step in step we moved in sync.
Routine by routine we danced physique.
Rhythm by rhythm we strode to the beat.

PAUSE
Pain. In my chest. It moves again.

PREV. CHAPTER
I met her, once, a long time ago,
We didn't say much, we just did a show,
A step or two, we dance in tune,
We move together, in harmony.

NEXT CHAPTER
But this was disharmony.
This chance unleashed.
This was pain.
This was my career deceased.
On a broken cement street.

UNPAUSE
Up and down. Up and down. My chest goes up and down.
I can't remember the last time I did this.
I can't recall the last time without pain.
I don't feel so cold. There's something in my hand.
On my hand.
Holding my hand.

averagejoe
2010-11-24, 01:15 AM
*rechecks deadline*

Ah, right, EST. Time zones foil me once again. Oh, well, I'll go ahead and volunteer to judge, if needed. I really should have a handle on the timezone thing by now.

Vaynor
2010-11-24, 01:40 AM
You can still use your 12 hour extension! I'd rather a late poem than no poem.

averagejoe
2010-11-24, 02:35 AM
You can still use your 12 hour extension! I'd rather a late poem than no poem.

*actually reads the friggin rules*

Aw, neat. Here it is then.

Stories

The church-bell tolls thirty-eight times
finishing as I reach the grave at the top of the hill.
Left with silence I ponder what I’m supposed to talk to,
what I’m supposed to say.

Bells jangle on her wrists and ankles
she ascends the stage
her movement chimes
her face smiles
I see not the curves of her body, but her body
and everyone in the room knows
by her smile
that she would come home with them
they all know this
and none of them will ever ask.

I met a tarot-man once
his table a cheap setup on a street corner
the purple tablecloth out of place
amidst the grime of the city,
the plainness of him.
He gave me no reading, but told me a story
while the school-bells chimed their afternoon song
and though I understood the story
it wasn’t what he was trying to say.

The grave-stone listens to my stories
I listen to the silence around me
and it goes on.

TFT
2010-11-24, 02:47 AM
(Psst, I need to know an amount of time left on that extension, because of the time changes. I'm probably down to the wire right now)

PhoeKun
2010-11-24, 03:04 AM
(Psst, I need to know an amount of time left on that extension, because of the time changes. I'm probably down to the wire right now)

You have, as of this post, approximately 9 hours remaining on the extension.

TFT
2010-11-24, 04:18 AM
You have, as of this post, approximately 9 hours remaining on the extension.

You have no idea how much better this made me feel overall.

However, it didn't help my writing process. So, without much fanfare:

The Empty Canvas
Blank slates are truly freedom:
Infinite choices, in sum.

Those choices can be insane.
Whether it's by cool structure,
Or by phrases that puncture-
Your meaning you’ll still retain.

That freedom is the true gift.
Freedom of expression,
A release of stress tension:
Your heart it will truly lift.


...Yea. I wish I had a lot more time with this. Oh well.

CWater
2010-11-24, 10:10 AM
Prompt:Surmount
(I hope I got it right, it was a new word for me:smallamused:)

I'm still not totally satisfied with this, but...here we go!

Two Strangers
I've always been someone who thinks
A diverse world, yes
That will bring us good things
But when I actually met someone like him
Man, I must admit
It didn't make me grin

I believed we could never get along
I mean, really
He thought I was wrong!
We differ so much in how we look
How we think, walk
Even what we cook
Yet here, we both are

There was much prejudice when we first spoke
Who is this person
I doubt I can cope
I do not believe in what he does
And he doesn't see
What way my path goes
Yet somehow we sat down and talked

He told me of the land where the sun burns hot
Where maidens sing
And wizards dance not
I replied with stories of the land of crow
Where even summers are chilly
And witches don't bow

It took it's time, sure it did
But the beast of suspicion
Was finally beat and hid
Distrust wavered, arrogance fled
And in good terms
Tolerance was fed

I never thought my prejudice was that strong
But in the end
It was all wrong
And once again we sit here in peace
Today he talks
And I listen to his speech
And I wonder

What makes us different, what makes us alike
Is it really that hard
To cast away your spite
In different things we still believe
Yet he's words,
No longer anger me

Asthix
2010-11-24, 01:43 PM
Aaand that's time. Wow, only one no show. Pretty good everyone! Congratulations / condolences to Cardea for not having a competitor.

Cardea
2010-11-24, 02:21 PM
Aaand that's time. Wow, only one no show. Pretty good everyone! Congratulations / condolences to Cardea for not having a competitor.

My face after staying up to see if he'd post:
http://myfacewhen.com/images/163.jpg

Vaynor
2010-11-24, 03:20 PM
(I hope I got it right, it was a new word for me)

I knew it was educational somehow!

Good turnout everyone, 91.66% is still an "A". :smalltongue:

Hopefully this will be easier on the judges as well, what with only 11 entries to judge. Good luck, everyone!

Devigod
2010-11-24, 09:29 PM
Does the haiku meet the 50 word minimum?
Edit: Looks like it got changed.

Elvaris
2010-11-24, 10:56 PM
Posted for my own sanity:

averagejoe (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9826457&postcount=59) vs. CWater (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9827514&postcount=63): Surmount
M-Bark (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9823322&postcount=53) vs. Azure Butterfly (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9819878&postcount=51): Divide
Cardea (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9825188&postcount=56) vs. Szilard: Breathless
Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9817110&postcount=49) vs. Rutskarn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9815785&postcount=48): Disdain
Asthix (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9780790&postcount=47) vs. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9824737&postcount=55): Dignified
DreamintheDark (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9818731&postcount=50) vs. The Fiery Tower (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9826623&postcount=62): Laud

And yes, if you go back and check the posts, you'll see that everyone met minimum word count (as long as you count titles).

averagejoe
2010-11-26, 01:17 AM
I like to think that everyone met the spirit of the 50 word limit. This is poetry, after all.

Vaynor
2010-11-26, 01:49 AM
I'm not going to strike you down with an iron fist if you're at 49 words, it's more of a guideline. Be at least around 50 words and at most around 1000 words. I don't expect you to add a word just because of the word minimum.

Morph Bark
2010-11-26, 08:00 AM
Duly noted.

I also promise I will try not to pass the 1000 word limit. Making a string of 81 haikus one blue monday evening to describe Lord of the Rings from the viewpoint of the One Ring was bad enough.

Emlyn
2010-11-26, 10:12 AM
Excellent poems everyone, I quite enjoyed reading them. Judgment and critique will come latter.

Vaynor
2010-11-29, 04:33 PM
Come on judges, let's finish up this round! :smallsmile:

Haruki-kun
2010-11-29, 08:38 PM
Judgement!

Round 1! Fight!

Averagejoe vs. CWater: Surmount
Averagejoe:

The word “Surmount” when standing in front of a grave has a bittersweet tone to it, which means the poem’s tone is set from the very beginning. This is a good thing, because it tells me about the kind of work I’m about to read.
The symbolism in this poem is complex. I really liked how descriptive it was. Seeing her body, but not the curves of her body was, IMO a very good line.
Now, nitpickiness time: The ending I feel could have been worked on a bit more. I got what it meant, and I would call it successful conveying of ideas, but it felt weak and sudden. So the beginning was pretty good, but the ending feels rushed.

CWater:
I love the way “surmount” was applied to human relations, or rather, human relations when it is between people with different ideals or backgrounds. I really, REALLY like the way this was executed. It also sounds very personal… like a real person telling us. And you made it rhyme, that’s always a plus.
Now, nitpickiness time: I caught two grammar mistakes in the poem, (“he’s” should be “his” and “it’s” should be “its”). Usually I try not to notice them because some poets like to make them intentionally. However, I highly doubt that was the case this time.
Grammar mistakes aside (because as I said, I don’t like to focus too much on them), there also seem to be a couple lose lines, after a rhyme. I wouldn’t call it bad, just a bit off.

Verdict:
CWater wins.

Morph Bark vs. Azure Butterfly: Divide

Morph Bark:
I’m not sure what to think of the structure for this poem, so I’ll skip over that for now. The basic idea I see and I accept that its meaning is deep. I like the way the language was used for the word “division”. Meaning both, being divided, and an arithmetic operation, it played with the meanings of the other 3 basic arithmetic operations into the first meaning. That was very good. I do think that multiplication may be a bit off, though, but that’s just me.
The tone of the poem is… well, I have difficulty finding a word for it. I’m not sure if there even is a word in English, but it seems like a combination between persuasion, explanation, and expression. Let’s assume such a word exists.
For nitpickiness: Back to the structure. While I’m a great advocate of freedom in structure for poetry, I am also impressed by more stable structures. In fact, I have problems reading poetry sometimes because I immediately start counting syllables and have to remind myself to just read the poem. :smalltongue: Still, the poem’s rhythm is fine, so even if the structure is complicated to comprehend, I’ll let it slide.

Azure Butterfly:
Well, I thought for a moment I was reading Haikus, but then the poem changed its mind. This made me feel like I was derailed in the middle of the poem.
I’m going to skip over that, however, because my favorite poem, A Margarita, by Rubén Darío, also starts with a structure different from the rest of the poem, although that one is structured differently because it begins with a scene and then proceeds to tell a story within the scene. As I said, I’m going to skip over it.
Back to this poem, before I get sidetracked. You made the second part rhyme, and I ALWAYS consider that a plus. Always. Poems don’t have to rhyme, but I know it’s an extra effort for the sake of rhythm and structure.
The structure here is great. I see a lot of work was put into it. When I actually got down to counting syllables per line, the Haikus followed the usual 5-7-5 rule. The next 4 lines went 5, 7, 7, 5, so I thought “Extending the Haiku! Wonderful!” But then the next four lines went 5, 7, 5, 8. It sounded good, but when I counted I still got 8 in the last line. I suppose that’s just nitpickiness, though.
Speaking of nitpickiness: This is extremely nitpicky, but… “distance” and “chance” do not rhyme. The last 4 letters are the same, but the emphasis in “chance” is the last syllable, whereas the emphasis in “distance” is the second to last syllable.

Verdict:
Morph Bark wins.

Cardea vs. Szilard: Breathless
Cardea:
Originality! Adapting different scenes of the same poem to the controls of a DVD and reflecting them. Or rather, adapting the controls to the scenes themselves. I loved that.
The structure IS a bit confusing, but the nature of the poem justifies it. Every time the structure changes, there’s a big DVD COMMAND to let you know, so… well, it turns rule-breaking into art.
Nitpickiness: While the structure change was great, I do wish you’d made the rhyming more pronounced. A total of eight lines rhyme in the poem. But this is just me looking for criticism. I liked the execution of this poem.

Szilard:
(No Entry)

Verdict:
Cardea wins by default.

Alarra vs. Rutskarn: Disdain
Alarra:
There’s something very sweet about this poem, sweet in a sad way. We can’t help feeling sorry for the poor lonely girl, even though everyone else in the poem will be upset at her. The boy who liked her and got rejected, the girl who was trying to be friendly and got insulted, and the mother who doesn’t know why her daughter just yelled at her. The mother likely deserved to get yelled at, and yet she’s going to be the only one who can scold the girl, and probably the only one who will forgive her.
Being able to transmit the feeling like this is what poetry’s all about, so I can say this was beautifully done.

Rutskarn:
It seems to me a disdain aimed at society and a long one at that. The poem has a complex structure and excellent use of metaphors. The only thing I could nitpick about it is one non-rhyming line ending in “hard” towards the ending of the poem.
Other than that, I pictured in my mind the solitude of the narrator. Is he alone because he wants to? Is he angry because he’s alone? Is he alone because he’s angry? Is it even anger he’s feeling? That’s the sort of thing he alone knows. (I assume it’s a he because the author is a he, but it may as well be a she, I suppose). It’s intricately woven together towards what feels like an untold social critique narrated by someone who searches for something… and maybe doesn’t know what he’s searching for.

Verdict:
Alarra wins.

Asthix vs. Devigod: Dignified
Asthix:
I’m not completely sure about my interpretation of this poem, but as I read it I felt it was somehow relevant to aging. At least, the way you described the course of the day felt like it. The interpretation of dignified was opulence, the description makes it sound almost like the person in this poem is living in a palace.
As I said, however, my interpretation of it may be off, and this makes me anxious about it. If I came to point out nitpickiness, I’d say that the last two lines seem to be off. The first of those is too long and breaks the rhythm a little. None of your other lines that I could tell are over 8 syllables long, this one’s 13. I’ll call it a stylistic choice.

Devigod:
Very original structure! If only playing with spaces and lines, but I could understand the expressiveness in the poem. “Dignified” takes on the form of someone leaving after a long time of “putting up with it”. If it were a real life situation, it would be the sort where the other employees stand up and clap for the one who stood up to the big bad boss.
This person narrates his departure while saying a lot of things he’s probably kept to himself for a very long time.
The ending, however, confuses me a bit. Did he take over? Well, I’m thinking he did. The one nitpickiness there, however, is the phrase “(with a yawn)” I know what it means, but… it sounds strangely out of place.

Verdict:
Devigod wins.

DreamintheDark vs. Thefierytower: Laud

Dreaminthedark:
Alright, the poem revolves around praising, so we got the “laud” covered. Now, the title gives away a dedication “to those I admire”. However, it is mostly a description of a song of praise itself, not a praising on its own. I don’t see what’s being dedicated.
A nitpicky point here: two lines end with the word “exaltation”. If several lines did, you could say it forms a rhythm, and if one line did, you could say it doesn’t stand out. When it’s only two, however, it sounds a bit stale. It’s not so good to repeat words like this, something to keep in mind for the future.

The Fiery Tower
Praising art? Or the ability of free art? That’s the idea I’m getting here. I’m going to praise your structure for a moment: All save one of your lines are the same length. “Freedom of expression” is shorter by one syllable (the others are seven). And of course, you rhymed.
I’m gonna say it took me a moment to understand what you were saying. But now that I did I like the expression in the poem. I don’t think I have much else to say, however.

Verdict:
TheFieryTower wins.

Emlyn
2010-11-30, 04:34 AM
averagejoe vs. CWater: Surmount

averagejoe

A interesting poem to be sure, it took several readings before I felt some understanding of it. The first two stanzas are very well put together. The third seemed a bit out of place, it didn't jell with the rest of the poem. The ending doesn't quiet seem finished. While I like what you have there, it doesn't feel like a conclusion to the poem. Overall I really like it, and with a bit of revising it'll make a fine poem.

CWater

First of all I really like the theme of the poem and the way in which you used surmount. The word choice and meaning is well thought out. However you do have some rhyming issues, especially in the beginning. In the first Stanza it's the last line that is a bit jarring, it doesn't fit into the rhyming pattern you seemed to be aiming for. The second stanza suffers from the same problem, the first half is good but the second is a bit rough with the last line not working in the rhyme scheme. The third is where I first grasped what you were intending the rhyme scheme to be. "And he doesn't see What way my path goes" ends up being a bit wordy and breaking the rhythm but not as bad as earlier. The last thing I'll add is that "And I wonder" once again breaks the flow of the poem, maybe trimming that stanza and fitting it in would help.

Verdict

CWater


M-Bark vs. Azure Butterfly: Divide

M-Bark

First of all I don't think you used Divided enough. :smalltongue: The only thing that jumps out at me is the structure. Free form is fine, though with the flow the poem has you may consider grouping parts of it. Overall I really like it. The meaning is well thought out, its interesting and different.

Azure Butterfly

I really like how you started the poem. However with each stanza the cohesion of the whole slipped away. Basically if this was meant as one poem it just doesn't work because of the massive shift in tone. I also read it as separate poems, which worked better. Taken that way, each isn't bad, there just isn't much to them.

Verdict

M-Bark


Cardea : Breathless

Very creative, weaving the dvd commands into the poem. Itreally help the transition between stanzas, as well as being a neat idea. Then there was the content, the story you tolled. I thought it was very well done, the weaving between different scenes to tell the entire story in small chunks but still have meaning was excellent.


Alarra vs. Rutskarn: Disdain

Alarra

There's a couple of places where an extra syllabule breaks the flow of the poem, but its more like a bump then anything. This mainly occured during the fifth stanza that starts with "Tables packed to overflowing". “Get out of my head!” was maybe a syllable short too. Besides these minor points I loved this poem. Its got a great theme that you develop nicely, characterizing the girl as someone we want to hate but can't because she is tortured by her choices as well.

Rutskarn

Deep, profound, moody. I love it. One I thought you may want to consider changing was the stanza that has three Ifs starting them, mainly because the next stanza all starts with and. I want to say more and praise this poem, but I'm not quiet sure how and I'm tired, so I'll just say again that I love it.

Verdict:

Rutskarn
This was a very hard decision as I found both of your poems to be off excellent quality.



Asthix vs. Devigod: Dignified

Asthix

I honestly didn't know what meaning you where going with, I had a difficult time coming up with an interpretation. However I liked the images it portrayed and how it was arranged. The big gripe I have with it is the ending, it felt tacked on and didn't fit with the rest of the poem.

Devigod

I really liked the different approach you took with this poem.
The word structure is varied and creates a very interesting structure. I must express confusion at the ending and think "(With a yawn)" is out of place with the rest of the poem.

Verdict

Devigod


DreamintheDark vs. Thefierytower: Laud

DreamintheDark

I like it, but there are a number of places where you repeat words. It lead to me feeling like I'd already read some lines because of the repeats. However I do like what you did with Laud. I think in this case the generalization of what is being praised works fine, it allows for the reader to apply it as they will.

Thefierytower

First of all it would be nice if the first two lines fit the rhyme scheme you then followed for the rest of the poem. Also the line "Those choices can be insane" grated on me. It felt like insane was the wrong word considering your other word choice in the next few lines. It didn't seem to mesh with the tone you were setting. I liked the generality of the poem as I take it to refer to all mediums of art, through writing, music, etc. Its a message the rings true and is well expressed in your poem.

Verdict

Thefierytower



Thank you everyone for the wonderful poems, it was very difficult to pick which should move on.

Elvaris
2010-12-01, 12:29 AM
And away we go...

averagejoe vs. CWater
Prompt: Surmount
averagejoe
Beautiful imagery, but I keep looking for a connection, some uniting force between the "stories" and the frame. My mind tells me there should be one there- that there is one there and I'm just too dense to see it. Of course, at some point, I have to accept that even if it is there if I have to look this hard for it, it's not really effective. It's poetry, and mystery is wonderful, but if the mystery is "what does this part of the poem have to do with that part of the poem" it's not ideal.

CWater
This was a good use of the prompt, but it felt heavy handed and trite to me. There's nothing there that's unexpected. No surprise. No magic. It's not a bad poem, it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Verdict

averagejoe. Neither really hit the mark for me, so I went with the one I enjoyed reading more. Frustrating though it may be.



M-Bark vs. Azure Butterfly
Prompt: Divide
M-Bark
This feels more like a random pile of words and images than a poem to me. As soon as you might pick up a rhythm - a sense of flow, you're going off in a new direction. It's jarring, and it just feels unnecessary here.

Azure Butterfly
While I understand the need to reach the word minimum, tacking on unrelated poems probably wasn't the best plan. There are seeds of good stuff in several of them, but you really needed to pick one and expand on it.

Verdict

M-Bark



Cardea vs. Szilard
Prompt: Breathless
Cardea
This was very good. I like the conceit of the playback controls. I like that there's rhythm when it's called for and that it's broken when appropriate. I felt for the character, which is really all you can ask for in a poem.

Szilard

No entry.

Verdict

Cardea, who earned a spot in the next round, bye or not.



Alarra vs. Rutskarn
Prompt: Disdain
Alarra
A highly structured poem for a highly structured life. Good prompt use, good flow, even with one break for the scene change. I almost hate to mention a few odd breaks in the rhythm, but I'm a bit neurotic on the subject. Still, fantastic over all, with a wicked little twist at the end.

Rutskarn
It feels like you should be reading this in a coffee shop wearing a beret and snapping where appropriate. Great swingy rhythm. Great use of the prompt. Though I do have to ask, was the missed rhyme in the last stanza intentional?

Verdict

I'd love to give both a pass to the next round, but forced to choose I'll go with Rutskarn.




Asthix vs. Devigod
Prompt: Dignified
Asthix
This poem is all right, it just feels like it's missing something. There are very few concrete ideas, very few places where there's enough in any given stanza to raise an image in the readers head. Brevity's fine, but I think it really gets in the way here.

Devigod
I hope, someday, all my correspondence is as well put together as this letter. In the meantime, you'll just have to settle for "Great job".

Verdict

Devigod.



DreamintheDark vs. The Fiery Tower
Prompt: Laud
DreamintheDark
I like the idea of people being followed around by personal cheering sections, which is the image I get from this poem. I'm not sold on some of your specific imagery, but overall I liked the poem.

The Fiery Tower
Where to start? "Those choices can be insane"? "A release of stress tension"? Stress tension? Really? I know the meter required an extra syllable in there, but "stress tension"? I cringed my way through this, and I'm still a little unclear as to how it relates to the prompt.

Verdict

DreamintheDark.

Vaynor
2010-12-01, 03:15 AM
Congratulations to CWater, Morph Bark, Cardea, Rutskarn, Devigod, and The Fiery Tower. You will be progressing to the next round.

Iron Poet XI: Round 2

Time for an image round (black and white style)! Interpret the image in any way you wish (but keep in mind that sticking close to the prompt can be a deciding factor when judges read your poem).

Rutskarn vs. The Fiery Tower (http://www.flickr.com/photos/midnight-digital/4106711273/lightbox/)
Morph Bark vs. Devigod (http://imghost.1x.com/25251.jpg)
CWater vs. Cardea (http://1x.com/photos/member/18027/33088/)

Deadline: Wednesday, December 8th 2010 at 11:59 pm (EST).

averagejoe
2010-12-01, 03:21 AM
Rutskarn vs. The Fiery Tower (http://www.flickr.com/photos/midnight-digital/4106711273/lightbox/)

OH MY GOD IT'S THE SLENDERMAN RUN!

*ahem*

Asthix
2010-12-01, 04:01 PM
Since my critique was a resounding, 'huh?' I shall provide author's notes: (Elvaris' is where I explain everything)

Haruki-kun:
I like the saying that everyone can have their own interpretation of a poem and they're all equally valid. So don't be anxious about it, you're right too!

Technically, the opulence was supposed be secondary to the ritual of things (the baths, attendants and procession) but I thought about how the poem could be seen from the POV of royalty after writing it and I was okay with that. I can see now how just a description of a king would seem tame. (But I wasn't going for that)

Yes, the last two lines were off. You have no idea how I agonized over them! Especially the long one. I just couldn't bring myself to change it, lest I alter the meaning. It seemed like such a dignified thing for this person to say.

Emlyn:
You like how it was arranged! Joy. I was hoping the structure would seem nice to somebody. That said, when I noticed the rule of three I had created with the structure, it seemed like the most dignified (although perhaps I was substituting the word 'elegant' in my mind) way to go.

It was limiting however and clearly I did not define what I was going for properly. It's just that I like being minimalist in my poetry and I thought I did all I could to tie the metaphors together. (oops)

Elvaris:
I guess I went a little heavy on the metaphor.

In the interests of full disclosure I will violate what I said earlier about wanting everyone to have their own interpretation of a poem and taint other readers' opinion forever with what I was going for here.

I thought about what the ultimate embodiment of dignity might be. The analogy to my society was the judge, I decided. They spend part of their life learning how to be dignified, but what if there was a caste of judges raised their whole lives to be the most dignified? what if these mythical judges were respected most not for their impartiality, but for their dignity? In being the most unaffected by agitation they might expand the definition of judge into other areas, political / religious / ruler. All of those things I wanted to be possible interpretations in this poem.

One way of looking at the poem that I couldn't shake during last week was of a doily. Lightly woven, airy. I saw the lack of obviousness but didn't know how to turn that up without seeming, well, undignified.

Only now do I see. If I had titled my poem, 'The Judge' would that have been an appropriate anchor for what I was hinting at? (goes and changes it now that it's over, I even changed the last stanza!) I know that its pretty useless now that you three've already read it but still.

A response would be greatly appreciated.:smallsmile:

Congrats to Devigod! You definitely know what the Playground wants.

CWater
2010-12-01, 04:02 PM
...O_o I actually made it to the second round??!!

*closes jaw*Ahem. Thank you, Judges, of the comments and critique.:smalltongue:
Heh, I know my poem was perhaps a little clumsy, but considering it was the first time I tried to write a rhyming one in English, I suppose it wasn't too bad.:smallredface:

Cardea
2010-12-01, 04:12 PM
...O_o I actually made it to the second round??!!

*closes jaw*Ahem. Thank you, Judges, of the comments and critique.:smalltongue:
Heh, I know my poem was perhaps a little clumsy, but considering it was the first time I tried to write a rhyming one in English, I suppose it wasn't too bad.:smallredface:
Hey, mine are clumsy too. English isn't my first language, so it's a bit tricky, which I'm sure you can relate to... I think?

Oh well, me vs. you. Let's do this!

CWater
2010-12-01, 04:50 PM
Hey, mine are clumsy too. English isn't my first language, so it's a bit tricky, which I'm sure you can relate to... I think?

Oh well, me vs. you. Let's do this!

Indeed! May the best poet win!

Rutskarn
2010-12-01, 06:07 PM
Old World

Beetle clicks and cracking bark
Grey-white fog and branches dark
Air that’s wet and freezing cold
Crunch of moss and tang of mold
Echoes muted, daylight dim
Breezes harsh and birdsong grim
Heavy tongue and heavy lips
Tingling eyes and fingertips
Won't find The Self, or peace of mind
For there is nothing here to find

Elvaris
2010-12-01, 09:45 PM
@Asthix
First, let me say I liked the poem and thought it was well written. Looking back, I was pretty harsh in some of my critiques, and I just wanted to make that clear.

Second, feel free to take my opinion with as many grains of salt as necessary. I took exactly one english course in college (twice, mind you) so I'm not exactly trained in the art of critique.

With that said, I agree that adding the title helps quite a bit, because at first your poem was being pulled in two different directions. There were very strong "judge" vibes. But then there were the almost papal overtones that really drew me away from deciding you were talking about any judge I knew anything about. So without any concrete evidence of what you intended it just became confusing.

By grounding it with the title, you start with an image already in the readers head, and then use your variations to modify that image. That way instead of two conflicting images ("judge" and "not judge" for lack of better terms) you wind up with a unified vision ("special judge").

So yes, it was that grounding, that starting point, that I was missing in the initial critique, and I'm glad you found it.

Asthix
2010-12-02, 08:07 AM
Thanks Elvaris! I'm just glad the poem now has a greater chance of being meaningful.

Morph Bark
2010-12-03, 09:13 AM
:smalleek: Oh god, I think I might have the hardest picture to work with. The other two made thoughts pike up for inspiration, but the one I'm provided now just made me go "bweuh?!" I'll definitely need to get crackin' good for this one then, and work especially on structure this time - which honestly, I'm awful at in any way.

Vaynor
2010-12-03, 02:15 PM
:smalleek: Oh god, I think I might have the hardest picture to work with. The other two made thoughts pike up for inspiration, but the one I'm provided now just made me go "bweuh?!" I'll definitely need to get crackin' good for this one then, and work especially on structure this time - which honestly, I'm awful at in any way.

:smallamused: That's the idea! Just remember that you're facing off against someone who has to work with the same picture.

Devigod
2010-12-03, 04:29 PM
:smallamused: That's the idea! Just remember that you're facing off against someone who has to work with the same picture.

And I'm terrible at interpretation! I do much better when I'm unbound by preexisting imagery.

TFT
2010-12-07, 04:27 AM
Notes about my last poem Warning: Overly analytical

On what the poem is about and the confusion surrounding it:
I'm actually confused as to how people are confused. The prompt was laud, so I did a poem lauding freedom of expression, the empty canvas, all that jazz. Should I be more explicit with that, or paint some kind of neon sign? (Note: that was not sarcasm. I'm really confused as to whether I should make a point to make it clear, because I thought it was)

On the word choice of insane:
I kind of wanted to prove a point with the word choice. It didn't exactly go with the rest of the poem, but it fit with what the line itself was saying: You can literally do the insane choice, like used the word choice insane, because it’s your choice in the end.

On the difference in rhythm between the first two lines and the last two:
That also was intentional. The first two lines set up the fact that you can do anything you want to in, for example, a poem, then I changed up the rhythm between the two verses to prove that point, similarly to the insane word choice. I’m curious as to whether or not you guys think it’s not worth it to throw the reader off slightly to make that point

On "a release from stress tension":
That was actually my favorite line from the poem. Now I will go into detail as to why.
1. The line just sounds good, at least to me. The repetition of s, the repetition of t, the repetition of the short e all make the phrase stress tension by itself sound especially sound good, at least to me.
2. It fit within the context of the poem, but also was more creative and more poetic then something akin to "this can relieve stress" It's saying that whatever art form you choose can take whatever stress(and the tension you feel from stress... At least the tension I feel from stress) you have and just make it go away.
I’m actually interested in hearing what doesn’t make it a good line in your opinion.

On "Freedom of expression" ...Yea. I couldn't find a way to add something that sounded good there. Suggestions?

The little things I do in poems like the insane word choice or the intentional change in structure tend to slip away from people. (I once had a poem about rhythm and not even the teacher realized that the structure was in 4/4 time and the repetition of word choice was to be similar to the repetition of drum beats in a song with the end of each verse being a drum fill :smallfrown:), so it's nice to occasionally explain the little stuff like that.
I'll be adding my poem on this post tomorrow, hopefully.

Elvaris
2010-12-07, 11:38 PM
@The Fiery Tower
My apologies. I was having a bad day when writing the critiques and some, especially yours, were more confrontational than they should have been. I'll do my best to dial it back from here on out.

First, "insane". Regardless of how you meant it, what's on the page (screen...) reads to me as if you meant to say "maddening".

"Stress tension" is redundant. You're relieving stress, you're relieving tension. Yes, the phrase has some alliterative value, but it's going to drive a certain segment of your audience (even if it's just me) absolutely up a wall.

Finally, the prompt. Maybe my complaint is more with the prompt itself than your interpretation of it. Most poems are lauding something. It's the nature of the beast. So it reads like you just grabbed any poem that was lying around that happened to be complimentary towards its subject (and I'm absolutely not accusing you of anything like this, to be clear.) It just bothered me.

PhoeKun
2010-12-08, 02:10 AM
An Unsolicited and Unofficial Response to The Fiery Tower's Notes About His Poem Warning: May contain trace amounts of nuts




On what the poem is about and the confusion surrounding it:
I'm actually confused as to how people are confused. The prompt was laud, so I did a poem lauding freedom of expression, the empty canvas, all that jazz. Should I be more explicit with that, or paint some kind of neon sign? (Note: that was not sarcasm. I'm really confused as to whether I should make a point to make it clear, because I thought it was)

I have long been encouraging people to stretch the concept of the prompts they are given as far as they need in order to write their poem, and not the prompt's poem. And to that end, I will continue to encourage such decisions. The purpose of these competitions is twofold: to inspire creativity, and to promote improvement in the creator.

The bottom line is that you are responsible for what you write, and what you do with the input you receive. If the general consensus among your readers is that something wasn't clear, then the next step for you as the writer is to reexamine your work and decide if a) this level of clarity (or lack thereof) is something you are comfortable with, and b) if it is not, what you can do to adjust it. And sometimes this might be something as extreme as rewriting every single line: your poem is your poem, but if you want it to be more than that, you may have to accept that certain ideas don't always translate out of your head as well as you might think they should.

For my money, I feel that your use of the Laud prompt was not particularly strong. I wouldn't necessarily want to see a poem about lauding, but merely writing a poem which happens to laud something feels as though you are brushing aside the challenge. Instead, rise up to meet it in a bolder manner.



On the word choice of insane:
I kind of wanted to prove a point with the word choice. It didn't exactly go with the rest of the poem, but it fit with what the line itself was saying: You can literally do the insane choice, like used the word choice insane, because it’s your choice in the end.

Whenever you step outside the boundaries of expectation, whether that means intentionally garbling your word choice or otherwise limiting yourself when strictly speaking you didn't have to (for example, if you had written your poem in a highly restrictive format, such as a sonnet), there are questions you need to ask yourself.

The obvious question is "Did I do it well?" but before you can even begin to ponder that, you first need to answer "Should I have done it in the first place?" To put it another way, the fact that you chose a word that did not fit your poem on purpose does not mean that you didn't choose a word that does not fit your poem. Are you following me on this? There's a sort of Risk versus Reward factor going on in your decision, and what you're essentially doing is dangling the carrot of your cleverness off to the side in the hopes that the reader will notice that carrot and consider it an ample reward for crossing uncomfortable terrain.

And when you do this, you aren't just risking that someone won't notice the carrot in the first place (stumbling over the out-of-place word and thinking it is there by mistake). You are also risking that the reader might see your carrot and consider that it isn't worth the discomfort they needed to go through to get there. In other words, that they see the point you were trying to make and decide that (in the best case scenario), the point could have been made better in a different way. Or in a worst case scenario, that you shouldn't have tried to make the point at all.



On the difference in rhythm between the first two lines and the last two:
That also was intentional. The first two lines set up the fact that you can do anything you want to in, for example, a poem, then I changed up the rhythm between the two verses to prove that point, similarly to the insane word choice. I’m curious as to whether or not you guys think it’s not worth it to throw the reader off slightly to make that point

Building on what I was talking about before (and now speaking in very specific terms instead of the very general), you have messed with the rhythm of your poem in order to prove a point. And you've actually gone and asked the pertinent question yourself - is it worth it to throw the reader off to make a point? This is incredibly touchy subject matter, but in roughly 90% of all cases, I would say the answer to that question is a pretty firm 'no'. Readers don't like being thrown, and they especially don't like being made an example of, and screwing with their expectations to prove that you can is definitely an example of that. If you're going to make a point at the expense of your readers' immersion, it had better be a point worth making, and you must execute it well.

You have chosen to write a very short poem. And there's nothing wrong with this. Honestly, a good number of poems could stand to be a lot shorter than they are, but one of the side effects of a short poem is that there is less room to establish a meter. And as a consequence of that, any time you mess with that meter is going to be felt more strongly. In the case of this poem, I wasn't actually able to discern that you were intentionally manipulating your meter because I had little enough to go on that I simply believed you had had a difficult time settling on one. Rather than really wowing me with a solid example of your freedom to go against your own established order (to be "insane", as it were), it seemed to me as though you simply didn't establish an order in the first place.

As to your message: the point you were trying to get across is essentially "Creative arts leave me free to be creative". This feels very flat, to me. I am well aware that I'm free to put whatever I want on a blank canvas, and you know that I am aware of this. What falls to you then, in this poem lauding that freedom, is not so much to prove to me that the freedom exists, but to make me feel the joy of that freedom. I want to see it, hear it, touch it... give me something special with all your freedom, so that I have something to hold onto and walk away with. Compared to everything your poem could be, I am left thinking of it as rather flat.




On "a release from stress tension":
That was actually my favorite line from the poem. Now I will go into detail as to why.
1. The line just sounds good, at least to me. The repetition of s, the repetition of t, the repetition of the short e all make the phrase stress tension by itself sound especially sound good, at least to me.
2. It fit within the context of the poem, but also was more creative and more poetic then something akin to "this can relieve stress" It's saying that whatever art form you choose can take whatever stress(and the tension you feel from stress... At least the tension I feel from stress) you have and just make it go away.
I’m actually interested in hearing what doesn’t make it a good line in your opinion.

Quickly stopping on this point because you asked for feedback on why the "stress tension" line doesn't work: truthfully, that line has the single best sense of rhythm of any line in your poem. Of the entire piece, that single line reads the best to me, sounds the best in my ear. The odd thing about it is, the rest of your poem doesn't seem to want the kick factor of that sound (in particular the "insane" line seems to prefer a more detached tone of voice), and so the best line in the poem feels... out of place. And pulled from the safe confines of the line itself, the phrase "stress tension" sounds, well, weird. Redundant. Forced. What it needs to not feel like those things is more lines like it.

There are a great many poems that work beautifully on nothing more than the sound the words produce. In fact, Lewis Carol showed amply that the words don't even have to be real. But this isn't a sound poem, it's a thinking poem. I think that choosing one isolated phrase for its melodic quality in the midst of a piece designed to provoke thought is problematic. You could cut it, or you could give it more lines like it to keep it company, but as it is it probably doesn't fit.



The little things I do in poems like the insane word choice or the intentional change in structure tend to slip away from people. (I once had a poem about rhythm and not even the teacher realized that the structure was in 4/4 time and the repetition of word choice was to be similar to the repetition of drum beats in a song with the end of each verse being a drum fill :smallfrown:), so it's nice to occasionally explain the little stuff like that.

I may be beating a dead horse at this point, but I think it's worth reiterating that if your clever tweaks and veiled homages are being missed by more readers than picked up, you need to seriously consider altering your approach. I think that this close to your deadline is not quite the time to follow up on this suggestion, but in the future I would love to see a piece from you that forgoes these things which you present as your usual style, and instead focuses wholly on trying to convey an emotion, or an image, or a series of images. Something much more raw and down to earth. The best way to grow is to push your boundaries. Give it a try! :smallsmile:

truemane
2010-12-08, 02:12 PM
I would like to take a moment and heartily endorse everything Phoe just said. She's quite clever and has a firm handle on this stuff.

Also, @Fiery Tower

My friend, welcome to the world of the misunderstood artist. That's not me being facetious, it's me saying that we all struggle with this to some extent. If no one understands your work, is your work inexpertly conveyed? Or inexpertly perceived? In other words, are you a bad poet? Or is your audience stupid?

Who knows? The history of every artistic endeavour is littered with the legends of artists misunderstood in their own time, and unsung songs of artists who just sucked and never got over it. There is no answer. I do know that if I had a nickel for every ingeniously clever thing I did that no one noticed I could stay home from work for the rest of the year.

But I will say, in agreement with Phoe, that the very moment you wish your art to be enjoyed by anyone but you, you are bound by the burden of expressing your ideas with clarity and purpose. One of the most valuable services other readers can offer is to tell when you're doing it right and when you're doing it wrong. And the single most important skill in writing is deciding which is which.

I also wanted to add that a poem can't be in 4/4 time. One of those 4's would represent how quickly the poem was read (which you can't control) and the other 4 would mean you had three unstressed syllables followed one stressed syllable over and over again (which is so close to impossible I think I'm safe in saying it can't happen). Music can go da-da-da-DA, da-da-da-DA. The English language can't. Not for long.

SCRUBBED

TFT
2010-12-08, 03:13 PM
Also, @Fiery Tower

I also wanted to add that a poem can't be in 4/4 time. One of those 4's would represent how quickly the poem was read (which you can't control) and the other 4 would mean you had three unstressed syllables followed one stressed syllable over and over again (which is so close to impossible I think I'm safe in saying it can't happen). Music can go da-da-da-DA, da-da-da-DA. The English language can't. Not for long.

I was going to call my comment a nitpick and apologize for it, but the more I think about it the more I think, in saying that, you betray a profound misunderstanding on your part of either poetic or musical structure, how they're built and maintained and communicated, and (at the risk of sounding like a jerk) perhaps that misunderstanding is part of your problem.


@truemane
In your Ear you hear a beat.
Tap a Tap a go your feet,
to the beat you hear repeat,
while you sit there in your seat.
It's a new exciting rhythm.

That was the first verse to that poem it does a 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 +, with the final and being the breath you take between the two lines. (Or Da da Da da Da da Da (Breath) )The final part is off rhythm, but then again, so is a drum fill, which I was going for there. If you realize that, it sounds pretty much like a drum beat, which was exactly what I was going for. I think instead of assuming that musically I have no idea what I'm talking about, you should have asked for an example. :smallsigh:

Asthix
2010-12-08, 03:56 PM
There's a sort of Risk versus Reward factor going on in your decision, and what you're essentially doing is dangling the carrot of your cleverness off to the side in the hopes that the reader will notice that carrot and consider it an ample reward for crossing uncomfortable terrain.

That was definitely my problem last round.

truemane
2010-12-08, 04:40 PM
@FT

It probably sounded harsher than I meant it. Hence the "at the risk of sounding like a jerk" parenthetical. But instead of saying that, I should have just rephrased.

But even with your example, my point stands.

It doesn't go 1 + 2 + 3 + 4. It goes Stressed/unstressed- stressed/unstressed-stressed/unstressed-stressed. So, I suppose, yes, it does go 1-2, 1-2, 1-2, 1.

You can call that 4/4 structure if you want, but it's not 4/4 at all. Drum beat or not. It's Trochaic (except for that dangly syllable at the end). The term '4/4' means something very specific and when you decide to use a specific term to refer to something not covered under the specifics of that term, you run the risk of being misunderstood. Which is sort of the entire point of this conversation.

And, similarly, you can say that there's a breath at the end of each line, but you can't force the reader to put a strong enough pause there to make it part of the rhythm. Especially for the lines that end in commas where the tendency on the reader's part is to read through as though it were a single, unbroken phrase. If you want a beat at the end of each line you need to find a way to represent it on the page in a way that both communicates your intentions and works within the reality of the poem itself.

In all fairness, the final line is just fine. It doesn't share the rhyme or the rhythm of the previous lines so, drum fill or not, if every stanza ends that way, then it becomes part of the overall structure and there's no reason to pick at it.

But all that aside, perhaps 'profound misunderstanding' was unfair of me and unnecessarily offensive. And if so, I apologize for such. And retract my comment.

CWater
2010-12-08, 05:54 PM
Soo, here's my poem for the second round... I might still edit it before the time is up, but I'm posting it now so I can be sure I don't forget:smallwink:

Away

Forward, onward
quicker, faster
I ride, I fly
Over the hills
Through the valleys
Across the fields
Under the seas
...wait, that last...
Oh, who cares!
I ride, I fly
faster, than wind
They chase me,
but cannot catch
'Cause I, am,
invincib-

[“HEY! Don't just stand there!
Go get the ropes, so we can set up the curtain!
The chief'll tan our hides if it ain't finished in time!”
“Yes, sir!”]

...And so, I go
Forward, onward
quicker, faster
but slower, than a breeze
I don't ride, I'll never fly
I will go nowhere,
except for the storage
For I am always caught
and thus, never free

Morph Bark
2010-12-08, 07:08 PM
Morph Bark (http://imghost.1x.com/25251.jpg)

Quoth for the picture. :smallwink:

Mother, I saw you standing yonder
You saw me and we both smiled
Lights in our eyes shone with wonder

Within this glass water wandered
And through the glass with childish gaze
Mother, I saw you standing yonder

A whole new world ahead there, yonder
Opened up by looking through water
Lights in our eyes shone with wonder

As I, a child, looked and pondered
A whole new world unfolded form
Mother, I saw you standing yonder

Curiosity lit up, alive, and wandered
Wandered along all sides with questions
Lights in our eyes shone with wonder

Slowly the child that I was had wandered
Away from wonder, now rather bored
Mother, I saw you standing yonder
Lights in our eyes had shone with wonder


Note: Attempted a villanelle in tetrameter, but purposefully moved away from that a bit in the final line.

Devigod
2010-12-08, 10:18 PM
Prompt (http://imghost.1x.com/25251.jpg)

As The Artist Uses Lies to Tell the Truth...
And I gaze through the shallows,
See the world through a filter...
I find the beauty of lies:
In mutable perception.

Glass speaks untruths, but at least
it murmurs to my fresh eyes.
Distortion beats back silence.
The smooth water inspires me.

Lapping fingers in the lens,
Through eyepiece, the world is changed.
I ripple with excitement,
Dripping with wonder anew.

I pull away from the glass...
But my inspirations have
left my small hands very wet.
I quickly grab the towel...

But I keep the glass in mind,
And redream this fishbowl world.
So please gaze through the shallows:
Admire the beauty of lies.

... He Realizes That the Truth is Only the Scratch on the Surface.

TFT
2010-12-08, 11:57 PM
...Talk about cutting it close. I always seem to need more time with these poems.

Silence
While you focus on your own life
And your own strife as the hustle
And the bustle of the city,
it’s quick ditty it forces on
starting from dawn ‘til past the dusk
‘til your own husk of a body
just feels shoddy from all your work—

Have you ever stopped to listen?
Wait and watch the dew grass glisten?
Taken a moment of your time,
to hear the towering clock chime?

Take a long walk through the woods,
Away from good ol’ neighborhoods.
Allow your ear to hear what’s there,
but realize that of sound it’s bare.
Its one of nature’s many gifts,
And even stressed out hearts it lifts.

So when the city’s sights and sounds
Add many pounds of stress to you—
Take a moment to remember:
Any time, June or November,
That woods will always be out there,
And you can go and silence share.

averagejoe
2010-12-09, 12:30 AM
I would like to take a moment and heartily endorse everything Phoe just said. She's quite clever and has a firm handle on this stuff.

And I'll endorse both of the above and say that, even when I don't agree with what they say, there tends to be worth in it nonetheless. (Or nevertheless. One of those.)

Cardea
2010-12-09, 10:41 AM
ROUND TWO.
FOIGHT.

Don't Know
The man takes another drink,
Sips it down in one go.
He looks up at someone who criticizes him,
Responding with a slurred "So?"

People don't know Geoffrey Reynolds,
They don't know where he's been.
They can't understand, they won't understand,
Why he considers himself a sin.

People don't know about his failure,
His mistake, his blunder, his battle.
After all, their first instinct when they see a cage,
Is simply just to rattle.

People don't know his horse, named Potluck.
People don't know his fiancée, named Amy Lee.
People don't know about the kidnapping,
People don't know about the fee.

People don't know.
People never know.
It's not their fault, really,
He just won't let his sorrow show.

They don't know he blames himself for not getting the money.
They don't know he blames himself for his horse was too slow.
They don't know that, these days, his failure is all he knows.
Because that's all he never shows.

So he sits here in my bar,
Building up a tab.
People will harass him for it,
He responds with "Take a stab."

And he'll get into fights and disagreements.
He'll start singing songs that nobody knows.
And they call him a drunkard, they call him a mess,
Because that's all he ever shows.

But dear old Dad never knows it's me.
They don't know that I ignore his fee.
They don't know that I serve his drinks for free.
Because nobody knows.
Because he doesn't show.

Because everybody just don't know.

leakingpen
2010-12-09, 11:37 AM
Tower

Tower, I liked the rhyme scheme, I liked the word choice. I agree on the stress tension line. However, no, I didn't see it fitting the prompt of laud.

Haruki-kun
2010-12-11, 10:14 AM
So I'm assuming it's alright for us to start judging now?

averagejoe
2010-12-11, 02:17 PM
So I'm assuming it's alright for us to start judging now?

Yeppers. Unless it that, "How can she go out with that guy," sort of judging, which it would be best to avoid entirely.

Rutskarn
2010-12-11, 06:12 PM
Yeppers. Unless it that, "How can she go out with that guy," sort of judging, which it would be best to avoid entirely.

I agree, although I would request that it put in the official Iron Poet record that he is, like, such a douche. Like what is his deal. I'm not saying, but like, what does she--it's just weird is all.

Cardea
2010-12-11, 06:23 PM
I agree, although I would request that it put in the official Iron Poet record that he is, like, such a douche. Like what is his deal. I'm not saying, but like, what does she--it's just weird is all.
I just sprayed my drink all over my laptop. Thanks for making me laugh hard. Gawd. Just who do you think you are?

TFT
2010-12-14, 11:47 PM
So... I'm going to put up a reminder that the judges have only 1 more day to do the judgments according to Da Rulez, so you might want to get on that if you haven't started them already. Now I'm going to go hide in a corner and keep reviewing for my math test.

Haruki-kun
2010-12-15, 12:32 AM
I agree, although I would request that it put in the official Iron Poet record that he is, like, such a douche. Like what is his deal. I'm not saying, but like, what does she--it's just weird is all.


*gasp*

MOM! They're saying bad things on the Internet again!

-----------------------------------------------------------


THE WHEEL OF FATE IS TURNING!
REBEL 2!
ACTION!

Rutskarn vs. The Fiery Tower
Rustkarn:
Well, I’m going to compliment you on your rhyme and structure; there was not a single line too short or too long, not a single line that didn’t rhyme.

You titled the poem “Old World” and gave it a feeling of emptiness. The environment is described in an almost hostile way. The only “nice” thing described in the poem is the peace of mind, notable for being absent. From this I gather you felt the image as hostile.

I’m afraid I don’t have much to nitpick on. You get off easy this time!

The Fiery Tower:
“Silence” is a word that’s usually taken in a negative context; this poem subverts it and takes it as a positive thing. The meaning is based around escaping the daily burdens of life for a short time and taking a moment to relax in the silence, just a short moment alone.

The structure in this poem is interesting. It rhymes, yes, but the rhyme is in the middle of the line in several places. Not in all of them, only the first paragraph and one line in the last one. This is, as I said, an interesting approach, but I’m not too fond of it. I simply don’t think the rhyme has the same effect in making the poem sound rhythmic, musical.

The first paragraph has good structure overall, the lines are the same length (I counted), but the rhyme… doesn’t feel like a rhyme. When reading the rest of the poem it felt more rhythmic.

The rest of the poem is in excellent rhyme, I’ll compliment you on that. I also appreciate the simple meaning of the poem, DaVinci once said “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication,” so that’s a good thing. Complexity is good when well executed, but sometimes short and sweet does the trick.

Verdict:
Rutskarn wins.

Morph Bark vs. Devigod
Morph Bark:
Untitled poem. It’s a bit like hearing the thoughts of a child, except in more sophisticated language.

I have to admit, I am not familiar with this type of structure (some research reveals it’s English structure, based on French Influence). From what I researched you did it well, but I’m hesitant to comment on it without more experience in it.

Focusing a bit more on the poem’s content, I can see a child’s love for her(?) mother and her childish views on the world. I also interpreted the last lines as a sign of growing up, as the child loses interest in her childish views of the world.

To describe this sort of poem in one word (which one shouldn’t do because you can’t possibly sum up a poem in one word and I’m doing it wrong for doing so) I’d have to go with “innocent”. That’s the word we usually relate with children, even though we could describe them with a million words like “cute”, “adorable”, “annoying” or “obnoxious”. The poem captures the innocence of the child in the picture so… mission accomplished!

Devigod:
You used a title and a sort of concluding subtitle. Your structure is good, no lines are off.
The poem centers around people’s perception, or rather the narrator’s perception. I really liked the subject of the poem, especially considering you related it to artists. I’ll tell you, it reminded me a little bit of “Music of the Night”, from The Phantom of the Opera. “The truth isn’t what you want to see.” It’s similar to your “lies” and it refers to art as well.
Now, for the nitpicky side: While your poem did not have lines that were too long or too short, it does have some lines that break the flux. The main lines that throw me off here are “The smooth water inspires me” and “left my small hands wet”.
“The smooth water inspires me” sounds off because we’re expected to pronounce it as “inspA-EE-RS”, two syllables, but sometimes people pronounce it as “inspA-EE-EH-RS”, three syllables, which is how I pronounced it in my head. It wasn’t until I re-checked that I realized the line wasn’t too long.

Verdict:
Devigod wins.

CWater vs. Cardea
CWater:
The poem is a juxtaposition of a happy, carefree spirit, and one that wants to be happy but is held back, both being the same person. In other words, he wants to be carefree and happy, but is not able to. Real life is like that, too.

The poem, meant to be read quick, flows out like… well, like the wind, truthfully. It even throws a “who cares!” right in the middle. I also have to say I liked the structure break in the middle of the poem. The brackets helped understand that it’s supposed to break, so it felt right.

Now, for the nitpicky stuff: there are a couple of lines shorter than the usual 4 syllables, and I’m not sure if you did that on purpose. “Who cares!” seems to imply you did, but given that you hadn’t broken it yet, I couldn’t find what not to care about.

Cardea:
Sad, really. A man with regrets, washing them down with alcohol, and a son(daughter?) who still loves him, regardless of what others think. After all, who cares what they think? They don’t know him like this person does. They don’t know what he’s been through.

Analyzing time! Well, the poem rhymes every second line, that’s good. The structure, I can’t even comment on, the length of the lines is not… counted, from what I can see. The paragraphs are differently structured. You do, however, make good rhythm when using repetition, such as “They don’t understand” or “people don’t know”.

I’m going to say in the end that it is a very good poem, but a bit more work could have been put into the structure.

Verdict:
Cardea wins.

averagejoe
2010-12-15, 01:53 AM
So... I'm going to put up a reminder that the judges have only 1 more day to do the judgments according to Da Rulez, so you might want to get on that if you haven't started them already. Now I'm going to go hide in a corner and keep reviewing for my math test.

I'm pretty much always willing to step in if needed.

Vaynor
2010-12-15, 02:07 AM
I've PMed the remaining judges. If they don't respond/post judgments soon I'll let you know.

Alarra
2010-12-15, 03:56 AM
I'm available if you need another judge as well.

Elvaris
2010-12-15, 12:52 PM
I find it a bit... odd... that I'm apologizing for being on time with these, but I understand the impatience of this. So, sorry for the delays. Unfortunately, I may need a replacement for the next round (damned real life), but I can't say for sure. In the meantime, here's something:


Rutskarn vs. The Fiery Tower

Rutskarn

I'm always a fan of meter and rhyme, and those are clearly strengths of this poem. Your imagery captures the mood of the prompt grandly (or should I say darkly) and really succeeds at getting across the feel as much as the actual image of the photo. While I think the sudden shift to the last two lines is as jarring as you probably intended, something doesn't feel right about them to me. But I can't put it into words, and overall that's a minor quibble to an otherwise very good poem.

The Fiery Tower

Overall, this is good. The syncopated rhyme and rhythm in the "city" sections of the poem are well done, if a little forced at times. There are just a number of little things that don't feel right: the clock chime is included as part of the "forest" section of the poem, the neighborhood is "good 'ol" which is a little "damning with faint praise", but still an odd choice n that spot, "dew grass glistening" has good rhythm, but is still style over substance. Nothing major, just little things that I felt didn't click.

Verdict

Rutskarn.


Morph Bark vs. Devigod

Morph Bark

A challenging form of poetry to try, and you handled it very well. I don't mind at all the shift in the last line, as I think you handled it well in the lines leading up to it. Sorry I don't have more to say, other than well done.

Devigod

While the poem is good and does fit the prompt literally, it just feels like the mood of the photo is more fun and playful than dark and foreboding. It's a very good poem with strong rhythm and a good theme, it just doesn't feel right for the prompt.

Verdict

Morph Bark


CWater vs. Cardea

CWater

I liked the "under the seas" tangent. It really captures the exuberance and vibrancy of the photo. Something about the wording in the interruption bothers me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. But, other than that, this was a fun ride.

Cardea

There's a line somewhere between too subtle and too explicit that seems to really define poetry, and this one seemed to fall on the too explicit side. There was a point in reading this poem at which I said, "Okay, I get it. He's down on his luck." It's not too bad, it just comes on a little strong. I like that you used the prompt as an image from the past, and that the references to it do capture the energy of the photo. It's just a little too much about the grim present.

Verdict

I've gone back and forth on this, but right now it's CWater.

Emlyn
2010-12-15, 01:56 PM
Sorry for putting it off till now, but today is the one day I don't have a final. Judgment will be up in a bit.
Edit: Since I need to be somewhere in just a bit I'll only post my verdicts now so you can get the next round going. Once I get back I'll add my reasoning.

Rutskarn vs. The Fiery Tower

Verdict

Rutskarn


Morph Bark vs. Devigod

Verdict

Devigod


CWater vs. Cardea

Verdict

Cardea

Vaynor
2010-12-15, 02:05 PM
No need to apologize, it was just a reminder. :smallsmile:


Congratulations to Devigod, Cardea, and Rutskarn!

The next round will be the final round, and it will be a three-way match. I will post it today at some point.

Devigod
2010-12-16, 10:17 AM
The Tri-Wizard Cup lies nigh! Word-weavers, ready your papers and your pens, your stanzas and soliloquies, your rhyme and reason, your codices and your confessions. The time lies nigh to prove your mettle, blood, sweat and tears. Keep your quills sharp and your wits sharper.

For the sake of art, let us all go down swinging.

Cardea
2010-12-16, 10:52 AM
The Tri-Wizard Cup lies nigh! Word-weavers, ready your papers and your pens, your stanzas and soliloquies, your rhyme and reason, your codices and your confessions. The time lies nigh to prove your mettle, blood, sweat and tears. Keep your quills sharp and your wits sharper.

For the sake of art, let us all go down swinging.

Put your game face on.
http://myfacewhen.com/images/184.jpg

PhoeKun
2010-12-16, 03:30 PM
I'd just like to say that if it turns out Elvaris is unable to continue judging, I am available to fill those duties for the final round.

And while I'm here, congratulations to the three finalists, and good luck in what is sure to be one of the more interesting rounds in Iron Poet history! You could cut the tension with a knife... but that would be kind of mean, and I think the tension would be upset.

Vaynor
2010-12-16, 09:40 PM
So, yeah, I totally lied. I didn't have time yesterday, and I was driving all day today (back from college). So, without further ado, the final round of Iron Poet XI.

Iron Poet XI: Round 3

Cardea vs. Rutskarn vs. Devigod: Gauche

Deadline: Tuesday, December 28th 2010 at 11:59 pm (EST).

I gave you guys a little more time to account for the holidays, so I expect your poems to be extra awesome! Good luck! :smallsmile:

Cardea
2010-12-16, 11:09 PM
Cardea vs. Rutskarn vs. Devigod: Gauche

Someone queue Final Fantasy boss music.

Rutskarn
2010-12-18, 02:53 AM
The Party

Another sleepless night before the Masquerade of Lights, and I can taste the bitter cocktails--spilled, like vomit, on the stones
And I can hear a hundred voices and not one of them’s my own, and I'll be pulled into a mob although I want to be alone
And there’ll be music there, yes, violins, that shriek like birds of carrion and saw a stagnant tune across the minueting floor
And I will join the peacock dancers and I’ll turn until I’m sick and I’ll be sick of it, and wish to be laid up in bed once more
I can’t dispel this fevered vision, for I know it will be true, and know that come the somber morning I’ll be forced to rise and dress
And then I’ll wait with steady breaths, and clutch my opera cane like death, and when I can’t wait any longer, I’ll set out into the depths

And there’s the coach, there, on the pave
And there’s my last chance to be brave
And turn around, and fake an illness, something tropical and cruel
And that’s my last chance left to stay--
And that’s the last chance thrown away
As I descend, and smile, and get inside—
And feel a total fool

And there’s the quiet country night,
And there’s the chateau lit up bright
And there’s the front door, and the doorman, and the party and the sound
And I am pulled in by the smiles—yes, there is Montague and there’s Giles
And I feel myself assume the face and step into that awful place

And--hello! Oh, quite well!
Quite a house! Quite a song!

How’ve you been? All is good?
Really, all? Yes, it should—

There you are! How’ve you been?
How’s your wife? Something wrong?

How’s your life? How is that?
Got a problem? Even one?

Where could I get a drink?
Over there? Pardon me.

Here I am! Had a few—
Little bitter, but not bad

You try one—I insist
Only one, there you are

Oh, I’m sure I wouldn’t know
Everything’s just fine with me

Everything! Yes, everything!
All affairs are sewn up tight--

Not one voice of discontent!
No, like you, everything’s alright--

Another drink! Yes, why not?
Blur the night and sink away--

No, I can’t. They would talk,
I can’t have that, no, I can’t

None of us can, and that’s the thing—
God, it’s hot as Hell in here

Excuse me, please, I need some air
Oh god, a window, anything

There’s the garden, there’s the door
Step away into the night

Heavy head, pumping blood,
Dizzy eyes, nervous pains

Breath the air, breathe in deep,
Fresh, clear air, cool and sweet…

I feel my heart beat slower, then
I feel some calm restored again,
I feel that shaking kind of strength that rests inside my trembling limbs
Perhaps it's alcohol, or air--or was there always courage there?
But I have near another hour 'fore it runs its course and dims
But in an hour, well, who knows? Could be some fresher wind will blow
And bring a topic or a dance that won't erode my living soul
Or maybe I can find a way out from the others' eyes, then stay, there in a place all to myself where I can be alone and whole
Or maybe just put up a fight--and in that way, survive the night
And I have never once pretended that I had a nobler goal

Devigod
2010-12-29, 12:52 AM
Still working on it; going to use that extension.

Cardea
2010-12-29, 01:29 AM
So... half an hour late due to work. Dangit.

When I am Demetrius, I am a fool.
When I chase after Hermia,
And battle off Lysander,
I am nothing more than the stories tool.

When I am Roberto Nunez, I am sad.
After the death of my Mother,
And the passing of my Father,
Combined with my job, anyone else would be mad.

And yet, when I am myself, I am quiet.

When I am Patrick Williams, I am defeated.
Though fire may burn me,
And life may beat me,
I do my best, so that my mistakes won't be repeated.

When I am Paul Singer, I am trying.
Working for a Fool,
And missing his Daughter,
I am but a man without a stage, crying.

And yet, when I am myself, I am quiet.

When I am myself, I am distant.
Off of my stage, I force my laughter,
Stripped of my script, I am slow with words,
Without my spotlight, I am not brilliant.

When I am myself, I am despicable.

But, yet, I will always be this way.
And though I may take on many names,
And assume the lives of those not real,
My mind, my goals, my morals won't sway.

And I won't force your attention.
Off my stage, I am not your entertainment,
Nor am I your jester in your court.
When I want it, you will have no hesitation.

You cannot call me shy, for that is not true.
I am more virtuous than any Demetrius,
I am more courageous than any Paul Singer,
Your words will only seem foolishly cruel.

You say that I am deceptive, I say I am versatile.
I am more honorable than any Roberto Nunez,
And I am more noble than any Patrick Williams,
And while you might not be impressed, just give it a while.

For while I am on my stage, I can be anything, anyone.

Because when I am off-stage, I am only, The Silent One.


Still working on it; going to use that extension.
We get one of those? I use mine. Work kept me late.

Devigod
2010-12-29, 02:00 AM
We get one of those? I use mine. Work kept me late.

Yes. Because life has a way of getting in the way. Thank the powers that be for that extension.



9) No late entries will be accepted. If you don't post or fail to post by the deadline, you will be disqualified. A 15 minute grace period is allowed. You have one freebie per contest, use it wisely. This allows you to be up to half a day late (12 hours) with your poem (no more). (Emphasis mine)

Here's my entry:

Winding.
A sidelong glance.

Bidden brimming yet forbidden;
Choking over my decision.
Miser steed that's ever-ridden:
Shades of could-haves turn to didn'ts

Despair.
A passing chance.

My will, the weakest, wont to wane,
Fumble and tumble, keep cost gain.
Dispose status; accost sustain:
My trappings, effort do detain.

Weakness.
No advance.

Resolve stored up does soon refine:
Dissolves my chains, lets free, unbinds me
I flee my prison: grace and grandeur,
Strike the door and smash through plaster.

Freedom has a way of polluting the mind.

Hither, thither do I fly. Feet crash distant, breaking ground.
Scrambling for my heart's desire; solitaire in lone supply;
Cross the hall, run room to room, wake the fury and the sound.
My steps are few, and far between, yet craft still harks nearby.

Relax.
Now unwind.

Self-tempering, I cautiously set on
Measured medium makes my twisted weal
Ignore tedium take my chance head-on:
I bow my head before her fine appeal.

Err.
Tumbled gold.

For with a crash, my ornament departs.
Bare and kneeling, I am sovereign no more.
My cupped hands hold all that remains: my heart.
My knees await yon verdict, set in floor.

Rutskarn
2010-12-29, 03:43 AM
I'm-a lean on that to edit mine, but there won't be a repost.

Asthix
2011-01-03, 01:34 PM
Aww man, its not looking good for the prospects of Iron Poet XII. In the event of judge failure in the final, I could volunteer.

-VVV- Quite right. I thought the thread needed a nudge and I couldn't resist raising my hand. Certainly the judges should have plenty of time and may be away from college until next week so we should allow till the 14th probably.

Rutskarn
2011-01-03, 03:20 PM
It's generally best to allow the judges at least a week. Critiquing and evaluating three poems is a good-sized job, and I don't begrudge them for taking the time to sit down and do it properly, especially since it is the final three.

Honestly, I'd be fine if they took an extra week or so, especially since--as it's the end--we don't have another round to prepare for. If you want to see the final results, I recommend subscribing to the thread--that way, you can put it at the back of your mind until there's an update.

Emlyn
2011-01-05, 07:05 PM
Right then, I suppose we were supposed to have posted our results by now. :smallredface: Will have them added to this post within the hour.

Edit: Hear they are, my final critiques and judgment.

Cardea

Right off the bat I found it odd that the rest of your sections only referenced one person yet the first had two. That being said I like the overall comparison to each person. "But, yet, I will always be this way" doesn't work too well nor does "And I won't force your attention" in the flow of the poem. Overall its a very solid poem that I enjoyed quiet a bit.

Rutskarn

Starting all the sentences with And is fine, but I think it would have been better if you had replaced the one As with And. I really liked how you break the poem up and the imagery it inspired. I think you could have made it a bit more concise however, as in their are descriptions that end up feeling more like padding. Also you might want to think about using less I's and such, but I'm not sure. The only reason I point it out is because I noticed how many of them their are, but I'm not sure if the poem could work without them. Just something to think about.

Devigod

You seem to be trying to keep a steady beat throughout but the flow of it is broken in many places. It really distracts from the otherwise very interesting poem you have crafted.

Verdict

Rutskarn

Cardea
2011-01-05, 07:16 PM
Right then, I suppose we were supposed to have posted our results by now. :smallredface: Will have them added to this post within the hour.

:smallsmile: EEEEEEEEE

Elvaris
2011-01-06, 12:49 AM
...

Cardea

Interesting rhyme scheme. I like the overall structure, and the subject matter is fine, but it just seems like some of the lines don't fit together. First, he's despicable, then he's virtuous, courageous, honorable and noble. And it reads as if being called shy is "foolishly cruel" to him, which seems a little severe. It's not the end of the world, it just seems a bit awkward.

Rutskarn

I like the shortened stanzas at the party, emphasizing the discomfort of the speaker. I'm not sold on the lack of line breaks at the beginning and end when the rhythm and rhyme of those sections so clearly indicate where they would be. There's contrast between the two sections, but at the expense of a certain amount of readability... and I'm not really sure it's worth it. That said, you've reduced me to discussing formatting issues to find something I don't like about the poem. Everything else works.

Devigod

I had a critique written up where I basically said "I didn't get it." And then I got it. And then I didn't get it. And now... While I'm pretty sure I'm on board, now I'm at a loss for what to say.
While you certainly have a way with words, you didn't quite sell me on the idea that there was enough of a relationship between the two to go from "a sidelong glance" to "my heart's desire"... or enough to be willing to sacrifice for a chance at one.
The whole thing is a love poem where the object of the love barely plays a cameo role. It's fascinating, it's well written (if possibly a little overwrought), I'm just still not sure whether I like it...

Verdict

1: Rutskarn
2: Cardea
3: Devigod

Haruki-kun
2011-01-06, 01:35 AM
My sincerest apologies for taking so long. I started working on it last night, but I was just too tired for it. I'm sorry.

---------------------------------------------------------------

VANILLA CAKE IS BURNING!
REBEL 3!
ACTION!

Rutskarn:
Since this is the last round, I feel it’s necessary to be extra nitpicky and critical.

The first thing I noticed about this poem is the very unusual structure. The lines in the first part are noticeably longer than the average poem’s, and still end with a rhyme. The rhymes, however, I should point out, are not entirely consistent. This doesn’t mean that the rhymes are completely off, but a few of them don’t sound right and this throws off the rhythm. The lines are just too long.

Now, the theme of the poem is great, and the way you illustrated it with the empty words and phrases the narrator says in the poem is very well done, no criticism there.

The last paragraph, however, suffers from the same fate as the first few ones. Two lines rhyme and then…well

A
A
B
C
B

And C gets no rhyme at all. I don’t expect every line in a poem to rhyme, but then you’d usually have two or more not rhyming “sister” lines. And this just sorta catches my eye. A lot.

Cardea:
Just in case you didn’t read the previous judgement: I am being extra nitpicky for this one, because it’s the final round.

We have the story of a good actor who is excellent at what he does on stage, but terrible at any of it off stage. This stage could symbolize anything, really. If the “stage” were social gatherings, for example, then the entire poem would be inverted to meaning he’s not shy or in any way socially awkward. This is a point in this poem’s favor.

A midpoint of this poem is the structure. Most of the paragraphs are:

A
B
B
A

Where A’s rhyme and B’s don’t. Consistency is a good thing. The rhythm feels nice when reading the poem out loud but it’s weakened by the length of the lines. Look at the first four lines. 10, 7, 7, 10. Nice! Then the next four lines. 11, 8, 8, 12. OK, one slip, no big deal. Next four lines (skipping the lonely line): 12, 6, 5, 14. Consistency broken.

Another point to be nitpicky about is the rhymes. To clarify, none of the rhymes completely failed to rhyme. All of them rhymed in a way. Just two throw me off. Cruel and True… well, say them fast and you might miss it, but it’s an assonance. They don’t… work that way. The second one is While and Versatile. If you… stretch them a bit, they work as a rhyme, but you’d have to really want to see it.

I do have to say, I enjoy the style of the poem, it’s close to what I like, but it has these structural problems to take care of.

Devigod:
Just in case you didn’t read the previous judgement: I am being extra nitpicky for this one, because it’s the final round.

The structure starts out well, but drops a bit further down. At first I read it with a consistent rhythm, but then “Hither, thither do I fly.” This paragraph’s lines are just too long and the rhyme, while existent, is lost. It’s like a tiny whisper you don’t hear.

Furthermore, the previous paragraph doesn’t rhyme at all. I fully support that a poem doesn’t have to rhyme, but when only one part of the poem rhymes, then the other lines feel off.

I have trouble understanding the meaning of this poem. Is it about a love declaration? I’m not sure. The language is well-handled, I particularly loved the sixth line “Shades of could-haves turn to didn'ts”, but it still proves difficult to understand.

Verdict:
Rutskarn wins.

Vaynor
2011-01-06, 07:33 AM
Congratulations to Rutskarn, our Iron Poet XI champion!

To all the rest, join the next contest and give it a shot once more! I will post the new thread when I wake up tomorrow. For now, sleep.

leakingpen
2011-01-06, 04:54 PM
:pokes vaynor: 9 hours is enough sleep....

Devigod
2011-01-06, 05:18 PM
My special thanks to Vaynor: our organizer, my opponents, and of course, the judges! That was a blast.

Gratz on the well-earned victory, Rutskarn!

Vaynor
2011-01-06, 05:20 PM
:pokes vaynor: 9 hours is enough sleep....

You might not have noticed that this was posted at 4:30 in the morning where I am. >.>;

Posting the new thread now.

leakingpen
2011-01-06, 06:10 PM
I did, I'm in AZ, we're an hour ahead of you.

Vaynor
2011-01-06, 07:55 PM
:smalltongue:

Anyways, for those of you subscribed to this thread: Iron Poet XII (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=182448).