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Morph Bark
2010-10-24, 05:44 PM
These are some lyrics I wrote up about a year and a half ago, showing it to some friends and posting on DeviantART back then. A few months after I looked back at it and tweaked it to make the lyrics flow more nicely, but now I look at it again I think it could use another bit extra (especially/at least the fourth line). Comments, suggestions and constructive criticism are most welcome.

For those curious, no there aren't notes for it (as any good song should actually have), as I am incapable of reading notes or playing an instrument at present, though a future housemate of mine intends to teach me what she knows - so one day there might be some.



Rocket Science Train Pirates

The steam engine is heating up, the train’s about to fly
But it is still a little lonely so I’ll need another guy
A friend to go along ‘cause I can’t pilot myself
‘s long as he don’ touch m’magic wands, I won’ turn him into an elf

The crew then's still a little small with only two men aboard
A nav'gator would be rather nice, so we can find the ports
Maybe a chef as well then, preferably a Spanish cook
Because I love paella more than the cake I took

Come let us let the heat in into the large balloon
Soar high off with our rocket train and fly towards the moon
It’ll double as a zeppelin for on those easy days
First we’ll need a medic though, so that we’ll be okay

And as we’re soaring through the skies we better watch our backs
For sky pirates are all around who just wish to slice our necks
Looking to loot some treasure and nab all our precious gems
‘s long as they don’ nab m’magic wands, I’ll sleep well with my dreams

'course once sev’ral years are gone and times have changed for worse
Pirates we'll be, become the best, stealing only the biggest purse
Nabbing the treasures like noone else, save for Jones and Croft
But while those are busy down on Earth we’ll hold our treasure aloft

Then when our time is nearly up, our days numbered almost past
We’ll put th'rockets to turbo mode 'n'go through the skies real fast
As the life support starts failing it'll be then I realize
There were never any magic wands, I was just high and tantalized

So kids then you should remember now the moral of the sum
Drugs are bad to do yourself, but rocket trains are awesome!



Originally posted here (http://morpholomewy.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d21qztg).

RanWilde
2010-10-31, 12:41 PM
Without hearing the melody, I cannot help you. I like the lyrics, but I have no way of judging the flow and feel of the lyrics against the melody.

Sorry to be a downer. Happy Halloween!

Morph Bark
2010-10-31, 02:08 PM
Without hearing the melody, I cannot help you. I like the lyrics, but I have no way of judging the flow and feel of the lyrics against the melody.

Sorry to be a downer. Happy Halloween!

Still you get a thanks for at least giving this thread a looksie. There actually isn't a melody other than inside my head (and only while trying to sing the song). The purpose is to have each line be about as long-sounding as the one before and after.

I figured there'd be at least someone here recognizing such and knowing a way to make it better in that respect. I've posted this song on another forum about a year before and had such a reaction then, but it isn't just right yet.

Oh well. A happy Halloween to you too!

RanWilde
2010-10-31, 02:28 PM
It flows well. Its just that a melody is superfluous until you record/write it down. Melody is mutable until it is memorable.