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View Full Version : New Hope? No Hope!



KingOfLaughter
2010-10-28, 02:54 PM
This is a story I'll be writing in installments. It's a post gas war (Gas dried up prices soared and the world went to hell) Canada where most of it is ruined and turned to a barren waste. The story itself is about a group of 'mercenaries' who go about ridding Canada of those who require help, and destroying rescue centers ('military' controlled cities). They're thinking being that only the strong should survive, and that the weak will perish.

Writers Notes
Italics means they're thinking. Bold means they're shouting.

Intro
He stood on top of the building, looking through binoculars at the school across the field. New Hope. What a pathetic thing. The worlds regrets, clinging on to hope. Grabbing at any shred of humanity, any chance of a new life. There is none, nothing here, nothing down south. The whole worlds gone to **** and soon enough you'll find that out too. The wind whipped across, causing his mind to flash. Memories of years ago, when he'd been a student at the school. Then he was back, staring through his binoculars. He dropped them the string catching as they fell. Even without them he could see the 4 guards roaming the roof. Two walking this edge of the field, all army, well mercs now but still. There was 2 tanks parked outside might be trouble but he doubted it.

Part 1
The man heard a sound, one so quiet that only a trained ear could hear it. In a flurry of black leather the man spun and raised a revolver at the new comers head. "Ho now. No need to go shooting up your friends". It was only George, his long time comrade and partner in mischief. "Don't go sneaking up on me then, you should know personally then I'm paranoid." George himself was a large man, he was a body builder before the war, and now the teams heavy lifter. He has shoulder length brown hair, and a dark tan. George laughed, "Damnit Roland. You think someones going to stab ya in the back?"
This time Roland laughs, "Probably, I've made enemies. You have too, there's a lot of people in this new world that want us dead." George turns and shrugs, walking back to the ladder. "They can try. We always win." George pauses for a second, "Oh yea, foods ready."

Part 2
George climbs down the ladder, Roland pausing to take a final look over at the refugee building. He then turns and strides toward the ladder, grabbing either end and sliding down, upon reaching the bottom one of his mercenaries hugs him, "Woah. Hayley, you know I don't too much like being hugged," Hayley just laughs in replies and keeps hugging him, "I missed you Roland. Where did you go?" Hayley looking up at him as she finishes her sentence. Roland sighs, "You know where I was," he looks down at her, "You don't want to know, but you do."

Maxios
2010-10-28, 03:20 PM
This is interesting. One question, are the characters anto-heroes?

KingOfLaughter
2010-10-28, 03:30 PM
It's a sort of fallout like story in Canada. The characters as DND characters would be NE. They think they're doing good by killing the weak, so yes and no they are and aren't anti-heroes.

Also Thanks for interest. I shall have the first chapter up in a bit tomorrow at the latest.

Maxios
2010-10-28, 03:33 PM
Alright. When the new chapter's up, I'll have to read it.

KingOfLaughter
2010-10-28, 03:52 PM
Tis nice to have a fan :D

KingOfLaughter
2010-10-28, 04:18 PM
Part 1
The man heard a sound, one so quiet that only a trained ear could hear it. In a flurry of black leather the man spun and raised a revolver at the new comers head. "Ho now. No need to go shooting up your friends". It was only George, his long time comrade and partner in mischief. "Don't go sneaking up on me then, you should know personally then I'm paranoid." George himself was a large man, he was a body builder before the war, and now the teams heavy lifter. He has shoulder length brown hair, and a dark tan. George laughed, "Damnit Roland. You think someones going to stab ya in the back?"
This time Roland laughs, "Probably, I've made enemies. You have too, there's a lot of people in this new world that want us dead." George turns and shrugs, walking back to the ladder. "They can try. We always win." George pauses for a second, "Oh yea, foods ready."

Any constructive criticism would be liked. Anything overly rude will be ignored.

I'll be posting usually once maybe twice per day in sizes ranging from one paragraph to like 3 or 4 pages.

Maxios
2010-10-28, 09:23 PM
I can't find anything that could be improved. Great job!

KingOfLaughter
2010-10-28, 09:48 PM
I can't find anything that could be improved. Great job!

Danke ser, I mostly look down on my writing, I know it can be better. I'll have a second piece up tomorrow or the next day.

Comet
2010-10-29, 03:45 PM
I can't find much wrong with it, largely because it's very short. Not much to go on, I'd like to see the next chapter be a bit longer so that we can get the actual story going.

But since you insisted on criticism, which is great, here's something I noticed:

- you spelled newcomer wrong. It should all be one word, I think. There were some other small hickups like this, too. Proofreading is boring, but quite necessary if you want to keep your readers hooked.
-"He has shoulder lenght brown hair and a dark tan" seems a bit like info we don't necessarily need to know. Writing does not usually work through the visual sense, you shouldn't just throw a person's appearance around because you can. Work it into the prose, make it matter. Maybe he has a dark tan because he's of a certain ethnicity?
-you changed tenses in a very odd way. First, it was all in the past tense: "The man heard a sound" etc. Then it was suddenly in the present tense: "Roland laughs", "George pauses".

That's all I caught with a quick reading. All in all, give us more to read and proofread your stuff a bit more carefully to make sure your grammar is OK and such. The premise seems really cool, I'm a fan of antihero-like characters.

KingOfLaughter
2010-10-29, 04:29 PM
I can't find much wrong with it, largely because it's very short. Not much to go on, I'd like to see the next chapter be a bit longer so that we can get the actual story going.

But since you insisted on criticism, which is great, here's something I noticed:

- you spelled newcomer wrong. It should all be one word, I think. There were some other small hickups like this, too. Proofreading is boring, but quite necessary if you want to keep your readers hooked.
-"He has shoulder lenght brown hair and a dark tan" seems a bit like info we don't necessarily need to know. Writing does not usually work through the visual sense, you shouldn't just throw a person's appearance around because you can. Work it into the prose, make it matter. Maybe he has a dark tan because he's of a certain ethnicity?
-you changed tenses in a very odd way. First, it was all in the past tense: "The man heard a sound" etc. Then it was suddenly in the present tense: "Roland laughs", "George pauses".

That's all I caught with a quick reading. All in all, give us more to read and proofread your stuff a bit more carefully to make sure your grammar is OK and such. The premise seems really cool, I'm a fan of antihero-like characters.

I'll be honest, I'm not the best person for writing :). I do it for the creative release, or else be stuck with hundreds of floating ideas.

I throw the appearance in, just to give this general idea, of which each character looks like, it's something I do, but can never seem to perfect.

As for the tense, I'm trying to keep it semi present, but sort of a retelling of the tale.

Thanks for your opinion, I'm attempting to improve. The next part will be, quite a ways longer.

Maxios
2010-10-31, 11:40 PM
This is a pretty cool story so far. Soon, I'll have to write down one of by book ideas.
Anyways, looking forward for the next chapter

KingOfLaughter
2010-11-01, 12:51 AM
Thanks, I'll attempt to have it up in a day or two. Making it a tad longer this time.

Maxios
2010-11-02, 06:13 PM
Alright :smallbiggrin:

KingOfLaughter
2010-11-03, 05:19 PM
George climbs down the ladder, Roland pausing to take a final look over at the refugee building. He then turns and strides toward the ladder, grabbing either end and sliding down, upon reaching the bottom one of his mercenaries hugs him, "Woah. Hayley, you know I don't too much like being hugged," Hayley just laughs in replies and keeps hugging him, "I missed you Roland. Where did you go?" Hayley looking up at him as she finishes her sentence. Roland sighs, "You know where I was," he looks down at her, "You don't want to know, but you do."


(Sorry this is short, decided to get something for you. Schools weighing me down a bit, this week and next I have 3 projects and like a test everyday

Maxios
2010-11-05, 10:37 PM
Alright. This new one is pretty good.

Maxios
2010-11-23, 07:47 PM
When is the new update going to happen?

KingOfLaughter
2010-11-24, 02:13 PM
I've been quite busy with school and haven't had a whole lot of time to think up the next spot, I'll get you something by this weekend.