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Vaynor
2011-01-06, 05:22 PM
Welcome to Iron Poet, Round Twelve!!

Rules

1) Only the first 16 respondants expressing a desire to compete will be the contestants. It IS a first come, first served basis.

2) The contest will consist of a number of rounds pitting 2 randomly determined poets against each other until only one contestant remains (winner).

3) Each matchup will be given a theme, picture, article, subject, or other criteria to write on, and the poem submitted must match this as much as possible. Stricter following of prompts may help you win.

4) The winner as determined by a panel of judges will advance to the next round.

5) In case of a judge or judges not posting judgments in a timely manner, Vaynor will adjudicate and determine the winner.

6) The poems will be limited to 1000 words with a 50 word minimum

7) The entries will be poems. All forms of poetry are acceptable, as long as they meet the required word lengths. If your chosen style is too short, you are free to make two of them, i.e., you may make a limerick with 48 words, then add another limerick, still following the same theme, to reach the required word length.

8) All posted deadlines will given in as much time zones as possible, as labeled.

9) No late entries will be accepted. If you don't post or fail to post by the deadline, you will be disqualified. A 15 minute grace period is allowed. You have one freebie per contest, use it wisely. This allows you to be up to half a day late (12 hours) with your poem (no more).

10) If your entry does not include the article(s) and the picture(s), you will most likely lose because of it, however this will not disqualify your poem, as poems are judged on best use of the prompts.

11) The judgments are final. What the judges decide is how it is.

12) The entries will only include content suitable for the Playground.

13) Anything not clear will be decided by me.

14) The contestants will have 1 week (roughly) from the bracket posting to get their entries posted.

15) Post your poems in spoilers. Judges: do not read poems before the round ends.

16) Feel free to edit the post with your poem in it until the round ends. After that, any additional edits will disqualify you (barring a use of your half-day extension).

17) Judges have 1 week to complete judgments. If not all judges respond by this time, the round will be decided as if the late judges were not a part of it (i.e. if there are 5 judges to begin with and only 3 are on time, the round will be decided with 2 votes as opposed to 3). If there are only an even number of judgments, I will cast the remaining vote.

THE IRON POET HALL OF FAME
1. Ravyn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43424)
2. Rubakhin (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54933)
3. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69302)
4. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76283)
5. Truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=82545)
6. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93376)
7. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106066)
8. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=119306)
9. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=141907)
10. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=155861)
11. Rutskarn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=172822)

Contestants:


Leta
PhoeKun
averagejoe
leakingpen
Szilard
azuyomi244
vollmond
Alarra
Morph Bark
CWater
The Fiery Tower
Worlok
Lord Loss
Ohmyani
Elvaris
truemane



Judges:

Haruki-kun
Emlyn
Asthix





POTENTIAL APPLICANTS FOR THE JUDGE POSITION TAKE NOTE: THESE CONTESTS LAST A LONG TIME AND THIS IS NOT A FLEETING RESPONSIBILITY. IF YOU SIGN UP I EXPECT YOU TO POST JUDGMENTS ON TIME. IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO POST JUDGMENTS, TELL ME. THANK YOU.

Leta
2011-01-06, 05:23 PM
I'd like to be a contestant. :smallbiggrin:

Haruki-kun
2011-01-06, 05:25 PM
I'd like to judge again.

PhoeKun
2011-01-06, 05:44 PM
Expressing interest as a contestant.

I know, holy crap, right?

averagejoe
2011-01-06, 05:52 PM
If there's one thing I love doing, it's contesting things. Sign me up, to play.

leakingpen
2011-01-06, 06:09 PM
I would like to be a contestant!

Szilard
2011-01-06, 07:18 PM
In as a contestant.

Hopefully my internet and/or computer doesn't fail on me this time.:smallsigh:

Vaynor
2011-01-06, 07:56 PM
If there's one thing I love doing, it's contesting things. Sign me up, to play.

I contest your right to contest.

First post updated, keep 'em coming!

Azuyomi244
2011-01-06, 08:19 PM
Sign me up as a contestant!

Emlyn
2011-01-06, 08:24 PM
I shall judge again, it was fun.

Asthix
2011-01-06, 09:08 PM
I promise to judge next time if I can be a contestant today.

vollmond
2011-01-06, 09:58 PM
I would love to be a contestant, though reading through the previous thread intimidates me quite a bit :smallsmile:

Alarra
2011-01-06, 11:42 PM
I will contestant again. :smallsmile:

Morph Bark
2011-01-07, 06:11 AM
Of course I'll enter. I mean, why the heck not? :smallamused:

CWater
2011-01-07, 12:07 PM
I'd like to be a contestant too...again:smalltongue:

TFT
2011-01-07, 01:23 PM
Signing up as a contestant.

Vaynor
2011-01-07, 03:02 PM
I'd like to be a contestant too...again:smalltongue:

Third time's the charm! :smallsmile:

Updated the first post, and as of this post we have 4 contestant spots remaining, and 1-3 judging positions.

Worlok
2011-01-07, 03:06 PM
Signing up as a contestant. :smallsmile: (Phear mah MAD rhymin skillz, yo! :smalltongue:)

Vaynor
2011-01-09, 04:30 PM
3 more spots, let's keep 'em coming!

Lord Loss
2011-01-10, 12:35 PM
Sign me up!

Ohmyani
2011-01-10, 05:23 PM
I'd like to try it contesting, if only for the challenge and the lols when I crash and burn :smallbiggrin:

Morph Bark
2011-01-11, 06:20 AM
Wow, less than a week and we're already almost full. That's awesome. :smallbiggrin:

leakingpen
2011-01-11, 10:22 AM
We just need one more!

Elvaris
2011-01-11, 10:50 AM
I'll take that last contestant spot. It's mine! Mine, I tell you!

leakingpen
2011-01-11, 11:34 AM
Crap. Remind me not to step on your +3 blue suede shoes of speed.

Asthix
2011-01-11, 01:26 PM
I've been thinking and I do want to judge. At this point, it seems like we may get another contestant before a volunteer to judge. (however I will yield to the next volunteer if they do want to judge)

So please move me to the last judges spot. Thanks!

Vaynor
2011-01-13, 10:33 PM
Just one more contestant! Let's get this show on the road.

Morph Bark
2011-01-14, 10:44 AM
Just one more contestant! Let's get this show on the road.

You know, I never was quite sure about that expression. Why would you want to put on a show in the middle of a road that's in use? :smallconfused::smalltongue:

truemane
2011-01-14, 10:49 AM
I think I want to play too, this time. So, even though it seems as though Elvaris took the final spot, in fact I shall take the final spot.

*nod*

So declared.

EDIT:

@Morph Bark:
Funny story, I knew a girl who went to uni in the French-speaking part of Canada. And one night she and a friend were drunk and falling down while trying to cross the street and a cranky cop gave her a ticket for (no word of lie): Playing in the Street Without a License.

The thing got tossed when she contested it, but upon hearing the story my first thought was that, in the city of Montreal, if you can a ticket for playing in the street without a license then logically you must be able to acquire a license to play in the street.

Which has since gone on my list of life goals. Along with growing dreadlocks and inviting a group of Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses to my home at the same time.

Haruki-kun
2011-01-14, 12:37 PM
WOOT! We're ready! :smallbiggrin:

Vaynor
2011-01-14, 05:22 PM
Iron Poet XII: Round 1

leakingpen vs. averagejoe: Idyllic
vollmond vs. Alarra: Manic
Morph Bark vs. Lord Loss: Weary
PhoeKun vs. truemane: Overture
The Fiery Tower vs. Szilard: Fatal
Worlok vs. Leta: Witticism
Ohmyani vs. CWater: Permanence
Elvaris vs. azuyomi244: Stifle

Deadline: Saturday, January 22nd 2011 at 11:59 pm (EST).

PhoeKun
2011-01-14, 05:25 PM
PhoeKun vs. truemane: Overture

How does this sort of thing keep happening? :smalleek:

Call it random all you want, Vaynor, but I no longer believe you. Your matchmaking formula has officially hit Who Wants To Be a Millionaire's 50/50 level of suspicion. :smalltongue:

truemane
2011-01-14, 09:39 PM
How does this sort of thing keep happening? :smalleek:

Call it random all you want, Vaynor, but I no longer believe you. Your matchmaking formula has officially hit Who Wants To Be a Millionaire's 50/50 level of suspicion. :smalltongue:

50/50 what? Is this some manner of conspiracy of which I have no heard? Are the Freemansons involved?

Well. Phoe. This ought to be entertaining. And by entertaining I mean excruciatingly stressful. Although, I warn you, if you don't turn in your submission and give me a bye-round I am going to send you a PM containing no fewer than six bad words.

PhoeKun
2011-01-15, 12:09 AM
50/50 what? Is this some manner of conspiracy of which I have no heard? Are the Freemansons involved?

You're not familiar with the 50/50 Lifeline, in which they take away two of the four answers leaving the correct one and one incorrect one? And that every time somebody uses said lifeline, they've already narrowed it down to two answers already, having spoken their thoughts aloud and then somehow, magically, the "random" selection leaves the two it was narrowed down to?

Maybe I just watch too much tv.



Well. Phoe. This ought to be entertaining. And by entertaining I mean excruciatingly stressful. Although, I warn you, if you don't turn in your submission and give me a bye-round I am going to send you a PM containing no fewer than six bad words.

I will tell you this, true. While I am writing this poem, you are going to be on my mind. And I will be sweating all week. And I will be shaking like a leaf come the deadline. And because you're you, there's a very good chance you'll stomp me flat in this arena where two poets enter, one poet leaves, and the other leaves a little while after collecting their prize. But you will be competing against me. Not the air, but the one and only me.

This is important.

averagejoe
2011-01-15, 12:12 AM
Are the Freemansons involved?

Yes. Whatever you guys are talking about, yes.

Worlok
2011-01-15, 01:11 AM
So... I just go ahead and post my poem? In that case, it is spoilered below - English is still not my native language, so I am sorry if any rhymes are lost to mispronounciation or the whole thing generally seems appalling. :smallwink::

Witticism

From many stimuli and observations springs
what we consider cutting, cunning wit,
which even where it dearly hurts and stings,
will always have that odd appeal to it;
the same appeal that makes you think again,
the same appeal that makes you listen closely,
the same appeal that swiftly, to a man,
has audiences guffaw lachrymosely.

This is because the witty will collect
throughout their lives a luscious trove of thoughts
which, triggered, at the speed of thought connect,
combining into well-laid, fitting words
that many times originate in chatter,
yet get passed on through legend or through rumor
for having matched the situation to the letter,
immortalising thus their master's humor.

You might consider such comments a pain,
admittedly they usually suck,
but talking to the silly or the vain,
in such a case you'll sure be out of luck:
There hardly is a topic just as dark
as to forbid a jester what he does,
and thus a humorous or maybe snyde remark
will inevitably be made, whatever was.

A willing vessel for both praise and criticism,
the perfect point or ultimate retort,
the entertainer's earnestmost resort,
has through the ages been the noble witticism.

leakingpen
2011-01-15, 01:20 AM
You're not familiar with the 50/50 Lifeline, in which they take away two of the four answers leaving the correct one and one incorrect one? And that every time somebody uses said lifeline, they've already narrowed it down to two answers already, having spoken their thoughts aloud and then somehow, magically, the "random" selection leaves the two it was narrowed down to?

Maybe I just watch too much tv.



I will tell you this, true. While I am writing this poem, you are going to be on my mind. And I will be sweating all week. And I will be shaking like a leaf come the deadline. And because you're you, there's a very good chance you'll stomp me flat in this arena where two poets enter, one poet leaves, and the other leaves a little while after collecting their prize. But you will be competing against me. Not the air, but the one and only me.

This is important.

Yeah, I've noticed that too. Same with 1 vs 100.

truemane
2011-01-17, 12:21 PM
You're not familiar with the 50/50 Lifeline, in which they take away two of the four answers leaving the correct one and one incorrect one? And that every time somebody uses said lifeline, they've already narrowed it down to two answers already, having spoken their thoughts aloud and then somehow, magically, the "random" selection leaves the two it was narrowed down to?

Maybe I just watch too much tv.



I will tell you this, true. While I am writing this poem, you are going to be on my mind. And I will be sweating all week. And I will be shaking like a leaf come the deadline. And because you're you, there's a very good chance you'll stomp me flat in this arena where two poets enter, one poet leaves, and the other leaves a little while after collecting their prize. But you will be competing against me. Not the air, but the one and only me.

This is important.

Huh. I do know about the show and the lifeline and back when I used to watch tv (many moons ago) I did notice that the two left were almost always the two most likely ones. Never noticed them being narrowed down to the two left behind by the contestant though. But I completely believe you. AND I think the Freemasons are involved.

And so far as our epic contest goes, there's no one here to whom I'd rather lose than you and no one here against whom I'd rather win than you. So no matter what happens I win. And lose.

That's what you call ambivalence, from the Latin sense meaning wanting two things at once.

leakingpen
2011-01-18, 02:41 AM
Idyllic

Five Minutes To Seven.

Five minutes to seven,
And I wander aimless through heaven,
Sunlight streams golden through sparkling air,
As the breeze blows trees without worry or care.

Water is tugging, rushing through trailing fingers,
Spring grass a cushion upon my back,
The scent of the brook, yet her perfume still lingers,
Her warmth against me, remembered through its lack.

Minutes pass in dreamy contemplation,
Crickets and frogs begin singing again,
Birdsong, counterpoint, not competition,
Verdant blades arising where once we had lain.

Red number ticks forward, though I know not, nor care,
For a few minutes more, I breathe pure woodland air,
My love I will meet tomorrow, here in heaven,
As now it is only, four minutes to seven.

Szilard
2011-01-20, 06:09 PM
A little thing I like to call,

Fatal Attraction (cue dramatic music!)

Some say
The best killer is silent
The one you can't see
The one you can't hear
The one you can't feel.

They are wrong
You can see the best killer
You can hear the best killer
You can feel the best killer.

She stands there
Hair flowing in the wind
Eyes you can get lost in
You can see her.

She calls your name
This time happily
Later angrily
The best times lovingly
Whispering sweet nothings
The worst regretfully
Leaving you forever
You can hear her.

Her soft hand
So nice to hold it
So nice to caress her face
So nice to kiss her
To love her
To never let go
You can feel her
In your heart
You can feel her warmth.

One day she'll turn cold
Turn away from you
Leave you cold
Leave you empty
Leave you dead.

PhoeKun
2011-01-20, 10:06 PM
Overture

The dawn sneaks through my curtains and hits my bloodshot eyes
I walk to the window, trip over discarded clothing, and stare.
I am in awe.
Soft reds gently kiss powder blues, while little tufts of white dance around them.
And this love scene, this serenade, has never seemed more hateful.
I claw at the scenery, try to mar its little rapture, but it plays on as if I am not there.

In the shower I am scalded by a surge of hot water and the steam blisters my hand.
I turn it off and fumble for a towel to dry my tears. I am not thinking of the pain.
On an old wooden table sits a letter which tells me that I am a horrible person.

"You owe, you owe, you cannot pay
So leave, so leave, you cannot stay"

Beyond the door there are kindly faces who've said they wish to help.
They take my hand and slap it, crying 'where's your paperwork?'
I choke. I stammer. I scramble and beg. Their smiles fade.
I am a filthy liar. All emergencies come with documentation in triplicate, and all I have is one letter.

"You owe, you owe, you cannot pay
So leave, so leave, you cannot stay
No more, no more, it ends today
Get out, get out, and go away"

I step inside the door once more, and it locks behind me with a click.
Through the curtain, the bitter cold sun smiles down like nothing is happening.
There is a chime: a computer sings out that there is a message for me.
There is such a thing as angels - they have my mother's face.

"You owe, you owe, you cannot pay
Take this, take this, and be ok

Take heart, take heart, there's always more
Do not give up, and face the world."

An overture and the music changes
Not an ending but a start of something new.
The sun's still shining.
I'm still crying.
But this overture changed the tune.

Haruki-kun
2011-01-20, 10:39 PM
I am going to post this here and add links to each of the poems submitted into this post. It makes my life (and maybe other people's) easier.

Iron Poet XII: Round 1

leakingpen (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10184554&postcount=39) vs. averagejoe (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10216630&postcount=51): Idyllic
vollmond (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10212973&postcount=48) vs. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10211988&postcount=47): Manic
Morph Bark vs. Lord Loss: Weary
PhoeKun (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10203987&postcount=41) vs. truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10215324&postcount=50): Overture
The Fiery Tower (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10211812&postcount=46) vs. Szilard (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10202433&postcount=40): Fatal
Worlok (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10164852&postcount=36) vs. Leta (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10210345&postcount=45): Witticism
Ohmyani vs. CWater (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10216852&postcount=52): Permanence
Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10216878&postcount=53) vs. azuyomi244 (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10207706&postcount=43): Stifle

I'll add links to the others as soon as they're posted.

Azuyomi244
2011-01-21, 03:01 PM
Stifle

Can't move
Can’t breathe

Summer heat is here
The air is thick with water

Can’t move
Can’t breathe

Storms come in, Promising cool air.
But they just bring more humidity

Don’t want to move
Don’t want to breathe

The heat crushes the air
Out of your lungs

Don’t want to move
Don’t want to breathe

Just want to die

Asthix
2011-01-21, 03:12 PM
Thanks Haruki.

Leta
2011-01-21, 09:54 PM
Witticism
"Hello, and welcome to our town,
I know you've just moved in.
If anything should get you down,
I'll help you raise your chin."

"Madam, if such a thing must be,
I fear I'd rather frown than see
Your helping hand outstretched to me
For I'd see your frog face and all."

"Welcome, my friend, I'm charmed, m'lord
Are you having a good night?
Well, if you ever find you're bored
Let's go talk and have a bite."

"An offer kindly made, 'my friend',
But still, please consider, in the end,
My ears! Which I don't want to rend
With discussions unbearably dull."

"Good man, we made a cake for you,
My family and I
Please take it, now, and eat it, too
And if ever you want, drop by!"

"Good man, I must object to this--
For if I left I'd not be missed.
Your cheer masks your disinterest
Back to your snake family. Crawl."

Does witticism help one see another's true intentions?
Or possibly it clouds one's view, and leaves one with pretensions.

TFT
2011-01-22, 04:37 AM
The Duel
Blades clash furiously
In rhythmic fashion,
Puncturing the silence
Of an otherwise calm day,
Ringing through stadium
And into eardrums,
As the duelists are focusing
On memorized movements,
Chesslike in strategy
And fluid in motion,
trying to outperform
And outmaneuver the other,
As they are realizing
The serious stakes:
one tiny mistake
(Or error of judgement)
costing more
Then it should,
As each of them tires
Over the course of the fight,
As swings begin dragging
And strength begins fading,
Until every swing
Feels like the last,
As the crowd’s watching
In silent anticipation,
With realization
Or coming events,
Eagerly waiting
To see what transpires,
As the duelists
Continue their planning:
“Parry, thrust ,
Wait, it should be-”
The last thought of one
As the other swung
In what felt like slow motion,
Highlighting the moment:
The end
Of both duel and life,
The victor soon bowing
To the corpse in respect,
With full knowledge
Of other possibilities,
Then grimly facing
The delighted crowd.

vollmond
2011-01-22, 12:39 PM
Manic


Wake up -
Eyes front and set
The pace. Go on, always
Moving, skate on always forward -
And crash.

Back up -
Take a running
Leap across the valley -
Keep up the pace and don’t look back;
Sustain.

Keep on
Without option,
Ever faster, ever
Brighter, til that time when comes
Release.

Haruki-kun
2011-01-22, 01:10 PM
Thanks Haruki.

You're welcome.

8 more to go! Let's see if we can get all submissions in!

truemane
2011-01-22, 07:09 PM
Only seven now!

Prompt: Overture
Title: Overture


YOINK!

averagejoe
2011-01-22, 11:11 PM
Prompt: Idyllic
Title: A Brief Affair

The sun graced a cloudless day,
a shepherd watched his sheep,
trying to keep his flock from stray
and trying to keep himself from sleep.
For the they had recent given
the local dragon his tribute
a ripe and inexperienced village girl,
That brief affair the noblest of tradition.
“Come be with me, my love,” he’d say,
“The shepherd swains shall dance and sing
and for breakfast, each morning
you’ll the finest morsels sup
‘till time runs out and I eat you up.”
He’d lifted her up high in the air
and so the shepherd had hardly a care.

CWater
2011-01-22, 11:55 PM
I'm not late am I?
Prompt: Permanence
No title

I glance upon the sky
walk around in the grass

sunshine on the porch
raindrops in the lake

laughter and noise
the children are playing
silence in a pine forest

a bustling city that never sleeps
was not here a moment ago

we walk through this life
on our turn in this world
like new butterflies every summer
generation come
and go

one day, this flower will die
this city will darken
the lake'll dry up
the dreams of the once great will be forgotten
even this earth will shatter
should we wait long enough

time slides on
and new things come
and go

it seems like
the only thing that won't move on
is change itself

Elvaris
2011-01-23, 12:02 AM
Well, looks like I'm using my freebie in the first round... I'll finish in the morning.

Edit: Very late morning at that...

Prompt: Stifle

A Night at the Theater

I went out to the theater
To catch a classic play.
A tale of war and tragedy,
Where every soul would pay.

While the theater's mood was somber
at the clash of bitter foes.
I found myself distracted
By an itch inside my nose

I tried to scratch the nuisance
But clawed to no avail.
My efforts to avoid a sneeze
Seemed destined now to fail.

So I sat in awkward silence
And tried to watch the show.
But the itch was too insistent
The geyser soon would blow.

Seconds seemed like hours,
Minutes stretched to years.
Sweat appeared upon my brow,
My eyes awash in tears.

Holding back was torture,
Was more than I could take.
I had to find a place to sneeze
Before my will would break.

And so, my seat abandoned,
I stumbled 'cross the row.
If I could just find my way
To the lobby I would go.

The aisle now behind me,
A door left to go through.
And once I had traversed it,
I let loose with “Ah-choo.”

Renewing normal breathing
Conveyed profound relief.
But a voice up from the darkness
revealed my solace to be brief

“How did you get back here?"
I looked back at the door.
When I saw I'd landed backstage,
My heart fell through the floor.

The play I'd interrupted,
And surely made a scene.
While all else was in chaos
My nose, at last serene

truemane
2011-01-23, 06:16 PM
Three short. None too shabby. And only one bye-round, too.

*nod*

None too shabby at all.

Morph Bark
2011-01-23, 07:40 PM
Drat, I forgot to hit "Reply" on my poem tab before the time was up. :smallfrown:

Really a shame, especially since my opponent also fell outside the boat, which means a change for the rest I guess next round.

Haruki-kun
2011-01-24, 01:37 PM
Right, then... no official announcement has been made by Vaynor, but as it's been 48 hours, I assume we're clear to start judging?

truemane
2011-01-24, 01:39 PM
Right, then... no official announcement has been made by Vaynor, but as it's been 48 hours, I assume we're clear to start judging?

I think that's a perfectly fair assumption. No one can submit anything now anyway. And if something VERY strange happens and someone else does submit, you can always edit it in.

So. Judges. Start. Please. I've got a lot riding on this bracket.

PhoeKun
2011-01-24, 01:39 PM
Right, then... no official announcement has been made by Vaynor, but as it's been 48 hours, I assume we're clear to start judging?

I would say so there's really no circumstances under which any more poems may be brought forth or edited.

Eagerly awaiting judgement. =D

truemane
2011-01-24, 01:51 PM
I would say so there's really no circumstances under which any more poems may be brought forth or edited.

Eagerly awaiting judgement. =D

The only thing I can think of would be that one of three no-shows had a pre-existing arrangement with Vaynor and it just so happens that neither one has a moment to say so since the contest ended.

Which is, admittedly, a pretty long shot.

So. Judging.

leakingpen
2011-01-24, 02:04 PM
I think that's a perfectly fair assumption. No one can submit anything now anyway. And if something VERY strange happens and someone else does submit, you can always edit it in.

So. Judges. Start. Please. I've got a lot riding on this bracket.

are ... are you betting on this? (and if so, and i make it to the next round, whats it worth to me to take a dive?)

truemane
2011-01-24, 02:32 PM
are ... are you betting on this? (and if so, and i make it to the next round, whats it worth to me to take a dive?)

No, no. Silly. A lot riding on it emotionally and professionally. PhoeKun and I have never matched up in a bracket before, but we've been closely acquianted for almost as long as these things have been happening.

Asthix
2011-01-24, 03:07 PM
Judging in progress.

EDIT: Please allow 24 hours for judging to rise fully and for a golden, flaky crust.

2ND EDIT: I have a small fever with headache topping today. (26th) If I am better after a nap I will try to finish, (Only one pair left)

Vaynor
2011-01-24, 05:05 PM
Right, then... no official announcement has been made by Vaynor, but as it's been 48 hours, I assume we're clear to start judging?

As Phoekun said, it's always going to be safe to begin judging after noon on the day after the deadline, since there's no way any more poems could be submitted afterwards.

Asthix
2011-01-27, 06:11 PM
Judging achieved.

I would like to compliment everyone on the the thought provoking poetry and post a disclaimer saying that my entire poetic training consists of that one class I took back in High School.

Anyone who is at all not sure of any comment can send me a PM, or feel free to post on this thread with comments.:smallsmile:

Cwater Vs. Ohmyani, Topic: PermanenceCwater: This poem seemed to me at first glance an exercise in searching for permanence by failing to find it. 'Sunshine' immediately struck me, personally, as being impermanent since we experience night. Likewise, the concepts of laughter and noise I could not link in my head to permanence.

The phrase, 'on our turn in this world' did not flow for me in a poetic sense. I think it wanted to, but I couldn't keep the image of one's life as a video game from popping in my head. That took me away from the idea of permanence. I often try playing with phrasing like that though, so I want to encourage you there. Minor nitpick, the word "Lake'll" also didn't flow for me.

Now that I think about it, the video game reference is probably deliberate and an excellent example of your point at the end. Points awarded.

The sixth stanza, the one with six lines, (and the seventh stanza too) is entirely about impermanence. Taken by itself, it doesn't represent the topic of permanence at all. But the poem as a whole is (obviously) leading up to the last stanza and the notion that the only permanence is change. Using the rest of the poem to juxtapose that with examples of impermanence is a great idea for a poem, its something I would come up with.

With that said I feel that you have room to be more poetic in general with your prose. For example, the first eight lines could be interpreted as just a list of things were they not in a poem.

In the fourth stanza, you give us, the reader motivation on how to feel / where to go emotionally by putting the quality of not being there a moment ago onto the city. The ninth line could not exist without the eighth. While you connect the separate images together in the first, second and third stanzas, since there are no qualities putting them in any context they end up bland. You certainly finished the poem strong by tying everything onto the last line. Going forward, try to start strong as well.

Ohmyani: No entry.

Cwater wins this round.

Lord Loss Vs. Morph Bark, Topic: Weary No winner.

azuyomi244 Vs. Elvaris, Topic: Stifle
azuyomi244: The repetition stood out to me on the first read, as it should. I see repetition in poetry as something that is easy to do poorly but hard to do very well on. I think you have done well, but didn't quite get to very well (with the repetition). Not counting the last line, which I'm sorry to say I do not consider a strong finish, there are only three stanzas that provide context for the repeated lines. That's not a lot to go on, but your poem doesn't need it because the spare tone reinforces the exhausted, almost gasping quality of both it and the stifling heat you describe.

I happen to live where there is stifling humidity half the year so this poem definitely evoked a strong emotional response. Maybe that's why the pieces of your poem, the repetition, few words, the restriction, the thick and the crushes and wanting to die, form together to create such a good whole of stifling heat.
Elvaris: First, the line 'Where every soul would pay'? I see what you did there. No, really that was poetic. I liked it.

I also like the nice use of the poetic 'cross for across in the seventh stanza, but if I am not mistaken you then break your meter on the very next line (3). I also think the fourth line in the ninth stanza has two non-stressed syllables next to each other ('my solace' I think) which is a little clunky.

The ending is a nice payoff to the story and anything else that I might want to critique is covered nicely by the meter and rhyme, and made necessary. I had a vague thought about why that would cause such a scene at a play but I'm not going to factor that into my decision because, well, it's a good story.

Final Judgment: (I always wanted to type that)This was very much like judging an apple against an orange.

On one hand we have azuyomi244's attempt to exude the very concept of stifling heat in poem form. On the other, Elvaris uses the prompt nicely to weave a humorous tale of sneezing that even rhymes. (and you titled it! *applause*)

Once I got past azuyomi's unpleasant topic, my respect for how she synthesized the feeling from her tone and structure grew. I don't like the last line, but it's certainly provocative and I can't think of advice on editing it. Still, my guess is that an ending line like that may make people vote against you more times than not.

Elvaris' is more obviously clever and makes you smile, but when you stick to rigid meter just one flub can stand out.

Me not liking azuyomi's ending weighs more on the scales of justice than Elvaris' minor technical flaws, but I digress. This decision was very difficult but on this day I find that trying to create the sensation of something, however unpleasant, rather that telling an immersive story about it, to be the best use of prompt.

My vote goes to azuyomi244.

averagejoe Vs. leakingpen, Topic: Idyllic
averagejoe: Ok bear with me here. I chose not to see 'the' in line five as a typo, but rather the next word, 'they' to mean a term used to refer to the village mayor.

So this 'they' (pronounced Thay) by lifting her up in the air, maybe makes the village girl a little less experienced? With the tradition of the noblest maybe?

Anyway, there seems to be some old English metaphor thrown in there with the old English phrasing, I feel like I'm missing some context somewhere. But I'm willing to overlook that because it lets me interpret the details how I want.

I can stretch for rhymes and half rhymes at the end of all but the sixth and seventh lines. Having them not rhyme at all puts this weird emphasis on them for me. Overall, I think room for improvement could lie in pushing to be even more clear with old English phrasing (while retaining the allegory) than you already are.
leakingpen: I would like to compliment you on really evoking a sense of the idyllic. I have to admit, the quality of your description made me completely overlook the fact that it rhymed until the second read through.

The sense of time between the poem's minute is stretched to create this Idyllic sense throughout, (aimless, without worry or care, dreamy, I know not) but there are certain verbs (tugging, rushing, lack) that are mentioned in context of 'her' that seem at odds with this sense. Flowing in the other direction than the person in heaven, if you will. Following this line of reasoning, the lover he will meet could be a detriment to this idyllic scene. But the love poetry aspect is clearly established by tying it to the last stanza. So this is not a critique, only another nuance of metaphor, apparently.

You even use repetition well in the first and last stanzas and tie it all together so that I can find no chink in this poem to substantively critique. Well done.

Forcing myself, this is what I came up with. Least favorite line of the poem: 'Red number ticks forward, though I know not, nor care,'

Final Judgment:Sorry averagejoe, but leakinpen's poem was like idyllic, the color. I so enjoyed the fact that you both titled your poems, however. If it makes you feel any better, I hope I am never paired against him. (and then only if he was really sleepy)

My vote goes to leakingpen.


Alarra Vs. vollmond, Topic: Mania
Alarra: This poem does a good job of telling it from the kids point of view, which in turn reinforces the manic nature you were going for. Other things about the structure of the poem, the half rhymes, the non-sequiturs, lent to an overall sense of mania as well. That's good.

The last line works, you tie it into the beginning well and getting sick certainly might be a reaction of someone who's manic in that situation. Something about the tone makes the poem seem almost incomplete when I think about the last line, which I should criticize. Except that a truly manic poem probably should feel unfinished, shouldn't it?

You stick to a fairly rigid meter. But it seems to break on the third line with 'mirroring wings'. Also the ninth line seems to have four sets instead of three. I can make the ninth line work with the rhythm, but the meter is different from anywhere else in the poem and a little clunky.

I also thought about how yelling at a kid to make them behave is itself a manic reaction. So points awarded there I suppose.
vollmond: The first impression I got from your poem was enjambment, which is of course the breaking of a syntactic unit by the end of a line or between two verses. (totally not from wikipedia)

For me, good enjambment must preserve a line that is either poignant or metaphorical separate from the words on other lines of the poem connected to that phrase. For example, 'The pace. Go on, always' is good enjambment IMO. 'Take a running' not so much. I also like the lines, 'Ever faster, ever' and 'Brighter, til that time when comes'. I think however that you used a little too much enjambment for my tastes. (It's just not my thing)

The sense I get from the poem as a whole is of manic as a thing that is constantly building, rushing forward toward something. The phrases, 'Eyes front and set' 'always forward' and "don't look back" reinforce the notion and could make the concept of manic seem somehow limiting. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It brings up the idea of one who is manic as being hampered by randomness. As being forced to 'keep on without option' when all the options are passing them by. Nothing specific. Only randomness.

I also just noticed that your poem is exactly 50 words. Good job.

Final Judgment: Well this was a tough one too.

Alarra did a good job creating the sense of mania that is a kid in grade school. But vollmond raised all sorts of questions about the nature of mania as a blessing or a curse. Maybe all the enjambment represents that too, but it just didn't communicate that to me personally. I'm left with the feeling that Alarra's was the best use of the prompt.

My vote goes to Alarra.

PhoeKun Vs. truemane, Topic: Overture
PhoeKun: My first impression of your poem was that I cringed. Specifically at the end of the second line on the sixth stanza. Right before the resolution, at the very climax of the narrative. So, I was obviously into it and definitely emotionally there for the counterpoint of the last three stanzas. Good job.

You use the overture as a proposal. As it says in one definition for overture: An act or offer that indicates readiness to undertake a course of action. Your refrain is certainly this type of overture, directed at the subject. Since the refrain is the only thing that rhymes, it made me draw the connection to a musical refrain. A musical overture is supposed to contain the main theme, and certainly the issue of eviction is a central theme in many people's lives.

Following the overture as proposal theme, the overtures made by the subject of the poem are met with a wall of vague bureaucracy, which is of course an accurate representation of bureaucracy. Aside from the shower, this 'The Man' is the only motivation provided for the, I would say extreme angst felt by the subject. It is a streamlined poem, free from the hangups of personal finance. Focusing its energies toward a succinct and, I would say, poignant piece overall.

Certain things, 'I am a filthy liar' for instance, are very provocative. That's not always a good thing. Like if provocative statements were light sources, your poem might be a little too bright. The italics on love scene in my second read through stand out as the italics of derision. I point this out to say that, like my light source analogy, the level of angst in the poem may overshadow for some people the fact that its supposed to be about the overtures.
truemane: It's odd, but the first thing that struck me about this poem was the enjambment right in the middle of the poem. Every other line can pretty much stand on its own, but the enjambment is so contained that it stands out. Regardless of whether it was intentional or not, I highly approve of this structured, creative use of enjambment. It sets apart that specific part of the poem explaining how the subject rationalizes things. The enjambment physically increases the time it takes for one to read it. Giving us, the reader more time to consider that they're obviously lying to themselves.

All the overture references, basically the first six lines, 'my major theme,' 'that music they play before the movie.' All show attention to the prompt and are presented in a creative way. One criticism is of the line 'Did you know that?' It's not what I would call a poetic phrase. I really like the level your prose sustains until the phrase, 'Blink once and then again.' Then it's kind of like, oh back to ordinary until the enjambment. (just lines 10 to 16, I have no problem with the later half)

The poem overall is tragic, the end supports this well and I think the poem is useful for people in that certain stage of a breakup. The third stanza relates the subject to a distraction, 'like that music they play before the movie.' The phrase, 'But my story? My song?' on the second read through, gave me the idea of the subject as a song, an accompaniment to the main piece, played early on. Forgotten by the finale. In this context, lines 9 through 22 would be interpreted as the song that stole his overture from him, rather that literal events. I think that's interesting, and intentional or not I'm glad the poem took me there.

Final Judgment: I am getting used to the tough judgments.

It's unrealistic to assume that one could create the feeling or essence of overture, so I was left with truemane and his tragic love poem filled with clever references to the prompt, and PhoeKun who used the prompt to tell a real world story with emotional impact. truemane got a little ordinary with the prose, PhoeKun's was Angsty McRage-angst. You both used the prompt equally effectively, so my decision fell to the poet who got the most out of me emotionally. But on another day I would've voted differently. Close one.

My vote goes to PhoeKun.

The Fiery Tower Vs. Szilard, Topic: Fatal
The Fiery Tower: On the first read through, the spacing stood out to me. Almost each line stands on it's own so I won't call it enjambment but, the spacing of the lines all next to each other in one big stanza as well as how they're phrased prevents the story from flowing for me as fast as I want it to. Lines that end up being filler lines like, 'Then it should' or 'As the duelists' are an example of the phrasing (and the way I read your poem) forcing me to pause a bit after each line, sometimes where it seems unnecessary. A good thing about your spacing is that each line represents the individual moves of a swordfight. That was not lost on me, I just couldn't get away from wanting to read faster, but not being able to.

'Then' in line 18 should be 'than'. Also, I believe 'Or' in line 28 should be 'Of.' Now to the content. The ending, while having the forced pauses of the rest of the poem, works. I also happen to have a book called The Psychology of Crowds and know a bit about how bloodthirsty the crowd mentality can be, so I approve of the oomph of the final line.

Overall, I think there is room for improvement in giving more emotional impact to a poem like this. The lines, 'Puncturing the silence' or 'And fluid in motion' (wouldn't it be prettier without the 'and?') use metaphor along with the literal description of events to help guide the reader emotionally, but the rest of the poem is very literal, perhaps too literal. This is what I meant by putting more emotional impact into a poem like this. It's a good story, but somewhat black and white.

Szilard: After struggling for a bit on what stood out at first, I would say that this is a smooth poem. The structure of the stanzas, the phrasing, seem to fade into the background to better let one focus on building the mental image of this killer. Each line either promotes reflection or ties the theme together.

Another thing that struck me was the ending perhaps not being as powerful as it could have been. My thought process while reading the poem was something like, "I hope its mysterious." "It might be creepy." then, "Oh she broke his heart and possibly killed him. I'm not sure."

I can appreciate 'turning cold' and 'turning away from you' reinforcing the idea that heartbreak is the best killer. Also the words 'cold, empty, dead' to signify the literal killing part work great. The ending is fine, but its not the mysterious creepy fatality that I was building up in my head. I know it's bad form to mess with someone's poem, please forgive, but what I'm getting at is something like adding a line such as, 'You still won't know' before 'One day She'll turn cold'. That gives all the extra fuel I need to hit creepy / mysterious. While the details are still just as vague, it changes possibly killed to probably killed, and I can fill in the details from there.

I also liked the rule of three motif.

Final Judgment: You both gave names to your poems which weren't just the prompt recycled. Congratulations!

In this case Fiery Tower's poem created a strong image of a swordfight and the respect two people trying to kill each other can have for their opponent. Szilard created a lovely allegory. (spontaneous pun I assure you) At least, I think it wanted to go to that metaphorical happy place of double meanings. I should probably hold you accountable for not solidifying the literal meaning (The killer) more, but in the end 'Fatal Attraction' still did more for me than 'The Duel.'

My vote goes to szilard.

Leta Vs. Worlok, Topic: Witticism
Leta: The first thing I thought about this poem was, provocative to the maximum! 'Frog face' was harsh, 'unbearably dull' was rude and 'snake family' was just brutal. All these are excellent examples of the criticism part of witticism, as well as complimenting the ending of the poem nicely and making that very strong. Those lines seem more snide than witty however.

Try as I might however, I cannot find the snake family stanza witty for I do not find it humorous. Just as the word witticism is part wit, part criticism, being witty is part cleverness, part humor. Overall, I see this poem as too heavy on the side of criticism and too light on the humor.

I do like the rhyme you use, it is among the best rhyming in round 1 in my opinion. I also think the, ahem, insult lines stand out more because of the contrast between them and the triple rhyme used on the three lines above them.

Worlok: I think this is a well done poem, not only because you rhymed lachrymosely, but because it lets us know how to feel about a witticism, to get to know it. The ending lets us know that the lesson is over, so, effective ending as well.

I like the last line of the second stanza because it brings to mind the phrase, 'Master of one's Thoughts.' And the witty are masters of their own thoughts, to a certain degree.

Your prose is very satisfying and gives my mind lots of directions to go in. The meter you set, though not strict all the way through, is pleasing when combined with the rhyming structure and makes the poem flow nicely.

Overall I am left with the feeling that if English is not your native language, I hope I can one day be as good at writing in my second language as you are, Worlok. Whatever errors or lost rhymes there were fit the style of the poem and I couldn't see them. (except that 'snyde' is supposed to be spelled 'snide')

Final Judgment: This was a hard decision because I had the preconceived notion going into reading these two that I was in for some humor but neither really had a 'this is the joke' moment. That left me thinking about which poem represented it's point better, since neither made me try to feel witticism.

Leta had some stellar rhymes but left the humor too far behind I think. For me, Worlok's poem had more impact as a whole.

My vote goes to Worlok.

averagejoe
2011-01-27, 11:57 PM
averagejoe Vs. leakingpen, Topic: Idyllic
averagejoe: Ok bear with me here. I chose not to see 'the' in line five as a typo, but rather the next word, 'they' to mean a term used to refer to the village mayor.

So this 'they' (pronounced Thay) by lifting her up in the air, maybe makes the village girl a little less experienced? With the tradition of the noblest maybe?

Anyway, there seems to be some old English metaphor thrown in there with the old English phrasing, I feel like I'm missing some context somewhere. But I'm willing to overlook that because it lets me interpret the details how I want.

I can stretch for rhymes and half rhymes at the end of all but the sixth and seventh lines. Having them not rhyme at all puts this weird emphasis on them for me. Overall, I think room for improvement could lie in pushing to be even more clear with old English phrasing (while retaining the allegory) than you already are.
leakingpen: I would like to compliment you on really evoking a sense of the idyllic. I have to admit, the quality of your description made me completely overlook the fact that it rhymed until the second read through.

The sense of time between the poem's minute is stretched to create this Idyllic sense throughout, (aimless, without worry or care, dreamy, I know not) but there are certain verbs (tugging, rushing, lack) that are mentioned in context of 'her' that seem at odds with this sense. Flowing in the other direction than the person in heaven, if you will. Following this line of reasoning, the lover he will meet could be a detriment to this idyllic scene. But the love poetry aspect is clearly established by tying it to the last stanza. So this is not a critique, only another nuance of metaphor, apparently.

You even use repetition well in the first and last stanzas and tie it all together so that I can find no chink in this poem to substantively critique. Well done.

Forcing myself, this is what I came up with. Least favorite line of the poem: 'Red number ticks forward, though I know not, nor care,'

Final Judgment:Sorry averagejoe, but leakinpen's poem was like idyllic, the color. I so enjoyed the fact that you both titled your poems, however. If it makes you feel any better, I hope I am never paired against him. (and then only if he was really sleepy)

My vote goes to leakingpen.


The context you are missing would be my entire life, and therefore my point of view. :smalltongue: But perhaps you're missing some context in a more pedestrian sense as well.

I'm not quite sure what you meant by, "Like idyllic the color."

Thank you for your critique.

Worlok
2011-01-28, 01:29 AM
Leta Vs. Worlok, Topic: Witticism
Leta: The first thing I thought about this poem was, provocative to the maximum! 'Frog face' was harsh, 'unbearably dull' was rude and 'snake family' was just brutal. All these are excellent examples of the criticism part of witticism, as well as complimenting the ending of the poem nicely and making that very strong. Those lines seem more snide than witty however.

Try as I might however, I cannot find the snake family stanza witty for I do not find it humorous. Just as the word witticism is part wit, part criticism, being witty is part cleverness, part humor. Overall, I see this poem as too heavy on the side of criticism and too light on the humor.

I do like the rhyme you use, it is among the best rhyming in round 1 in my opinion. I also think the, ahem, insult lines stand out more because of the contrast between them and the triple rhyme used on the three lines above them.

Worlok: I think this is a well done poem, not only because you rhymed lachrymosely, but because it lets us know how to feel about a witticism, to get to know it. The ending lets us know that the lesson is over, so, effective ending as well.

I like the last line of the second stanza because it brings to mind the phrase, 'Master of one's Thoughts.' And the witty are masters of their own thoughts, to a certain degree.

Your prose is very satisfying and gives my mind lots of directions to go in. The meter you set, though not strict all the way through, is pleasing when combined with the rhyming structure and makes the poem flow nicely.

Overall I am left with the feeling that if English is not your native language, I hope I can one day be as good at writing in my second language as you are, Worlok. Whatever errors or lost rhymes there were fit the style of the poem and I couldn't see them. (except that 'snyde' is supposed to be spelled 'snide')

Final Judgment: This was a hard decision because I had the preconceived notion going into reading these two that I was in for some humor but neither really had a 'this is the joke' moment. That left me thinking about which poem represented it's point better, since neither made me try to feel witticism.

Leta had some stellar rhymes but left the humor too far behind I think. For me, Worlok's poem had more impact as a whole.

My vote goes to Worlok.
So it is spelled "snide". Talk about pronouncing 'stratosphere', but not 'the'... :smallsigh: Anyway, thank you. That kind of thing feels really good when you're insecure about your English. :smallsmile:

Asthix
2011-01-28, 07:26 AM
averagejoe:Sorry for the bad allegory. What I meant by 'Like Idyllic, the color' was that leakingpen's poem really influenced me to feel idyllic, so I described it as creating something new for me, like a color, which is not all that accurate. Basically I was just saying it was strange and wonderful. (read: good)

Worlok: You are quite welcome.

truemane
2011-01-28, 10:05 AM
@Asthix

I just wanted to thank you for the detailed, precise, and helpful critiques. From now on, I'll hear no apologies from you for your lack of erudition regarding poetry. You have a better handle on what poetry is and how it works than a lot of people I know with WAY more schooling.

I've always said that the judges make the contest. This was excellent work on your part. Thank you.

leakingpen
2011-01-28, 10:20 AM
Asthix
THANK YOU! Those are very kind words. That said, its my least favorite line as well, it had the intended effect, but I feel I could have said it better. To be fair, this is one of the better poems I've ever written, and I used to write a LOT of poems. I was surprised how well it came out.

Asthix
2011-01-28, 02:22 PM
truemane:Y'know, I should point out that the only reason I'm using words like enjambment, meter and allegory correctly is because I read the first two Iron poet competitions completely to get a handle on the finer points of this competition. They were interesting and really helpful.

leakingpen:Aww, shucks.:smallredface:

truemane
2011-01-28, 02:40 PM
@Asthix
Fair enough, but I tell you what, I have a degree in this literature stuff and I've spent more than my share of time around people who do it for a living, and I can tell you that there's a whole WORLD of difference between knowing what enjambment is and being able to pick out when it's working and when it isn't and why (and doing so in a way that aids the poet instead of your ego).

That's the hard thing about finding good judges. There's a mindset you need to do it well, not a skillset. And I can tell from reading your critiques that you've got the mindset. I think you'd be a very helpful first reader. But don't tell any of your writer friends I said that or you'll never have any peace again. Good first readers are worth their weight in gold.

vollmond
2011-01-28, 08:19 PM
Alarra Vs. vollmond, Topic: Mania
Alarra: This poem does a good job of telling it from the kids point of view, which in turn reinforces the manic nature you were going for. Other things about the structure of the poem, the half rhymes, the non-sequiturs, lent to an overall sense of mania as well. That's good.

The last line works, you tie it into the beginning well and getting sick certainly might be a reaction of someone who's manic in that situation. Something about the tone makes the poem seem almost incomplete when I think about the last line, which I should criticize. Except that a truly manic poem probably should feel unfinished, shouldn't it?

You stick to a fairly rigid meter. But it seems to break on the third line with 'mirroring wings'. Also the ninth line seems to have four sets instead of three. I can make the ninth line work with the rhythm, but the meter is different from anywhere else in the poem and a little clunky.

I also thought about how yelling at a kid to make them behave is itself a manic reaction. So points awarded there I suppose.
vollmond: The first impression I got from your poem was enjambment, which is of course the breaking of a syntactic unit by the end of a line or between two verses. (totally not from wikipedia)

For me, good enjambment must preserve a line that is either poignant or metaphorical separate from the words on other lines of the poem connected to that phrase. For example, 'The pace. Go on, always' is good enjambment IMO. 'Take a running' not so much. I also like the lines, 'Ever faster, ever' and 'Brighter, til that time when comes'. I think however that you used a little too much enjambment for my tastes. (It's just not my thing)

The sense I get from the poem as a whole is of manic as a thing that is constantly building, rushing forward toward something. The phrases, 'Eyes front and set' 'always forward' and "don't look back" reinforce the notion and could make the concept of manic seem somehow limiting. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It brings up the idea of one who is manic as being hampered by randomness. As being forced to 'keep on without option' when all the options are passing them by. Nothing specific. Only randomness.

I also just noticed that your poem is exactly 50 words. Good job.

Final Judgment: Well this was a tough one too.

Alarra did a good job creating the sense of mania that is a kid in grade school. But vollmond raised all sorts of questions about the nature of mania as a blessing or a curse. Maybe all the enjambment represents that too, but it just didn't communicate that to me personally. I'm left with the feeling that Alarra's was the best use of the prompt.

My vote goes to Alarra.



Man, you have no idea how hard it was to hit 50 words with just three stanzas of that :-) glad someone noticed.

With the structure I had, it's almost harder to avoid enjambment (thank you for introducing me to that word) than to use it. The other thing I was hoping would give a manic feel is the sort of "cresting wave" of each stanza. When topics were assigned, I had just discovered the cinquain (the 2-4-6-8-2 meter) and was happy to have a place to use it right away.

I'm glad you liked it :-)

averagejoe
2011-01-28, 10:13 PM
averagejoe:Sorry for the bad allegory. What I meant by 'Like Idyllic, the color' was that leakingpen's poem really influenced me to feel idyllic, so I described it as creating something new for me, like a color, which is not all that accurate. Basically I was just saying it was strange and wonderful. (read: good)

I'm still not entirely sure I understand, but fair enough. :smallsmile:

leakingpen
2011-01-30, 11:40 AM
Umm, double checking, isnt the rest of the judging now overdue?

Haruki-kun
2011-01-30, 02:56 PM
Umm, double checking, isnt the rest of the judging now overdue?

I'm almost done with it. I assumed it was by today....

Vaynor
2011-01-30, 04:00 PM
The deadline is technically 1 week but I don't actually expect judges to finish the first round in a week, there's quite a lot of poems.

leakingpen
2011-01-30, 04:55 PM
ahh, i see. makes sense. Sorry, just a bit of jitters i guess.

Emlyn
2011-01-30, 08:31 PM
Don't worry, I'm working on the judging. Expect to have something up tomorrow.

Haruki-kun
2011-01-31, 04:29 PM
I apologize for the delay. *clears throat*

--------------------------------------------------------------


DA WHEEL OF FATE IS TURNING =O
REBEL 1
ACTION

Leakingpen vs. Averagejoe:
Leakingpen:
Well, on a first thought, the poem rhymes perfectly, so that’s a point in its favor. The structure goes AABB, ABAB, ABAB, AABB. It forms certain symmetry when you read it, and that’s good. I worried for a moment there that it might have broken the rhythm, but it was just a different kind of rhythm.

There’s not much to say on line length… the choice here was to use long lines, usually 10 syllables or more, the shortest one being the first line with 6 syllables. It doesn’t look much like a structure, but the most important thing is to make it feel right, and it feels right so… not a negative thing.

The nitpicky bit: The only line that threw me off was “Her warmth against me, remembered through its lack.” It’s not that the line itself is off; it’s mostly that the word “lack” feels odd when used like this. When used as a noun I hear it as “lack of ____”, and when used as a verb it’s usually transitive, “it/they lack(s) ______”. It’s not that it’s wrong, it’s just that there’s too many other words that rhyme with “back” that would have made the sentence sound nicer.

Averagejoe:
Well, the language is handled very nicely, but the rhymes are off. There are two rhyming lines, then another two, then five that don’t rhyme at all, two that sort of rhyme, then another two and two.

The two that sort of rhyme are “sing” and “morning”. This is because although they end the same, “sing” has the last (and only) syllable stressed, whereas “morning” has the first syllable stressed. For words the rhyme the stress must be on the same syllable. Check a Rhyming dictionary, they’re not listed as each other’s rhyme.

The story is nice and simple, I liked that. But the structure just throws me off.

Verdict:
Leakingpen wins.

Vollmond vs. Alarra:
Vollmond:
Hmmm… I like the structure. 2, 4, 6, 8, 2. But it’s broken in the last stanza. “Brighter, til that time when comes” has only 7 syllables. I’m not sure if this was done on purpose, but either way, I can make nothing out of the line. The first two stanzas are excellent, but the last one is a bit… like it doesn’t fit.

Alarra:
>.<

Bull’s eye on me with this one. Having been a hyperactive kid myself, I felt very identified with what was being said by the narrator. The fact that I was able to relate to it means it was good, because you’re successfully conveying a feeling.

My personal opinion aside, let’s look at the structure and all that jazz. The first stanza is 14, 13, 12, 11. The later stanzas also follow a similar format, but are no longer as perfect. Generally speaking, though, when the lines are long you can lose or gain a syllable or two without much damage done, so no biggie. The rhymes also follow a perfect AABB format, with only two rhymes being assonances (which work anyways).

Nitpicking: The only thing that I could note here is the use of “2:02”. This is only because people read differently. Some people might hear it as “two o’ two” and some people might hear it as “two past two”.

Verdict:
Alarra wins.

Morph Bark vs. Lord Loss:
Morph bark:
Not much structure at all. :smallconfused:

Lord Loss:
It didn’t rhyme. :smallfrown:

Verdict:
I win! :smalltongue:

PhoeKun vs. Truemane:
PhoeKun:
This poem is very sweet when you look at it closely. In a world that is constantly crashing down on him/her, this person finds a small ray of hope in the form of support coming from a loved one.

Alright, so let’s get down to it: The structure is complicated in this one. The lines are long and don’t necessarily fit in with each other, specifically in the first stanza: “I am in awe” is considerably shorter than the other lines. The structure turns rigid when we’re told of the letter and/or the people talking, and there we have perfect structure and rhyme, which helps differentiate between the “real” events and the quoted events. This is a point in the poem’s favor.

Unfortunately, I want to keep commenting, but I can find nothing to be nitpicky about, other than the aforementioned short line, so I’ll just leave it at that.

Truemane:
I loved the theme and the exposition, but barring that I’m afraid I find a few structure problems.

See, the first thing that comes to mind is that it’s not… very effective… to put one half of a phrase in one line and the other half in the other line. For instance:

"And every time I hear it I hiss -
- To myself that it doesn't matter -
- Anymore, that it's all done and over"

It doesn’t work well, because we hear it as “STOP” after every line. So I hear “Every time I hear it I hiss.” Works fine, but then “To myself that it doesn’t matter.” I immediately realized that I was supposed to keep going. And then again “Anymore…” It makes separating by lines pointless.
I’ll say the later stanzas were great, because they accurately convey his(her?) feelings to the reader, which is one of the most important things, if not the most important.

Verdict:
PhoeKun wins.

TheFieryTower vs. Szilard:
TheFieryTower:
I started reading it but got lost, and then I read it again. I gotta say, I can actually imagine a bard standing up on a stage reciting this poem while a fire breather makes dramatic effects behind him. Reading it faster works best, builds up the tension.

OK, so… there is no rhyme to talk about so we’ll just skip to structure. It seems to work by feel rather than by numbers, so I can’t analyze by length. It’s mostly short lines; the longest lines are still below 10 syllables long.
The story is well exposed and fairly “honorable”, to pick a word for it; it really sounds like someone is talking about the ferocious, legendary, heroic final battle between two enemies who respected each other.

Now, if I have to be nitpicky (and I feel that as a judge I DO have to), I did find one incongruence. At the beginning of the poem, the story is told in present tense. “Blades clash furiously… puncturing the silence.” And it ends as such, too. But then somewhere along the middle:

“The last thought of one
As the other swung
In what felt like slow motion”

This is past tense. It breaks the flow. Unless you’re actually referring to something that happened before the events of the poem, the whole thing needs to be narrated in the same tense.

Szilard:
So we move to Femme Fatale, or at least a woman who has the makings of one. The poem is written from a completely subjective point of view.
There’s no rhyme to speak of and the structure works with short lines, some of them appearing to merge with the lines above for being too short. For instance,

“Some say,
The best killer is silent.”

This could have easily been a single line.

The content is excellent, darkly pessimistic in execution. The only nitpick I have is the overuse of adverbs in the fourth stanza, but even that is about style, so I guess I can’t say it’s bad.

Verdict:
Szilard wins.

Worlok vs. Leta
Worlok:
From what I can see, the poem is long-lined. The first stanza has one twelve syllable-long line and all others are 10 syllables. Further in, several lines become longer, 11 or 12 syllables. One Thing I can immediately say is a point FOR the poem is that it rhymes, and it does so well. I do have to point out as ineffective the rhymes of “man” and “again” in the first stanza, they don’t work together. Same goes for “does” and “was” in the third stanza.

The content is good. The poem explicitly takes the topic of witticism and tries to show us what it is and how it works. Not by defining it, but by exposing it. It also does so with a very sophisticated vocabulary... although that does produce an inconsistency when “admittedly they usually suck”, the vocabulary suddenly drops. Not to mention that line sort of makes witticism sound like less than the other lines make it sound like.

Leta:
My first thought was “crap, the rhyme broke”. Eventually, I realized that this was done on purpose to make it sound crude, unrefined. It’s somewhat risky, because it does push the poem’s structure downhill. But of course… no art would get anywhere if it weren’t for risks.

So this character is snarky as hell and turns down every invitation, possibly believing he’s witty. I’m not completely sure the poem itself took “witty” to mean what it actually means. Let’s look at it for a minute. “the keen perception and cleverly apt expression of those connections between ideas that awaken amusement and pleasure” Says dictionary.com on “wit”. Well, it takes Wit, but it removes the pleasure perceived.

That aside, the structure is excellent. The rhymes all work (save for the ones not wanted to rhyme) and the lines are roughly the same length. And risks were taken. Risks should be taken, nothing else to say on the matter.

Verdict:
Leta wins.

Ohmyani vs. Cwater:
Ohmyani:
No entry.

CWater:
So this poem’s topic was “permanence” and the author chooses to express it as a lack of permanence, because nothing is permanent. It goes all the way to the entire world and pointing out that even the earth itself will one day disappear. The point made about change is also somewhat romantic and fair: Death, Taxes and Change should be the phrase, really.

Nitpickiness: I love it when poets play with grammar and punctuation in their work. It’s good, it shows their style. But in this poem… there’s no punctuation at all! I don’t want to say that it’s bad but… well, punctuation was made to aid us, not to hold us back. This means that if you want to break punctuation to make a point, by all means go ahead, but none at all for no visible reason… oh, dear.

Verdict:
CWater wins by default.

Elvaris vs. azuyomi244:
Elvaris:
Ah… a light-hearted comedy poem! We don’t get enough of those, they’re always dark and edgy. The poem’s structure is near perfect, it’s a rhythmic “short, short, long, short” stanzas, and the rhymes all work. It even ends with a surprise ending: his efforts were all in vain.

I can’t really think of much nitpickiness at all.

Azuyomi244:
The poem has good rhythm, the lines of “can’t move, can’t breathe” making sure to maintain it. My only problem with it is that the other lines are inconsistent. Where the lines of moving and breathing are both the same size, the others kind of fall off in structure.

The content is interesting to say the least, but I can’t make much out of it. The person explicitly tells us he (she?) wants to die right there, which is a bit of a stretch when compared to the rest of the poem.

If I wanted to be nitpicky, I’d find that the fourth stanza is what throws me off the most. I’m trying to place it, but I just can’t, it breaks the rhythm somehow… but I can’t figure out where. I think it’s the word “humidity”, it’s a bit long and since the stress is on the third-to-last syllable, it subtracts the line’s apparent length.

Verdict:
Elvaris wins.

vollmond
2011-01-31, 10:31 PM
Vollmond vs. Alarra:
Vollmond:
Hmmm… I like the structure. 2, 4, 6, 8, 2. But it’s broken in the last stanza. “Brighter, til that time when comes” has only 7 syllables. I’m not sure if this was done on purpose, but either way, I can make nothing out of the line. The first two stanzas are excellent, but the last one is a bit… like it doesn’t fit.

Alarra:
>.<

Bull’s eye on me with this one. Having been a hyperactive kid myself, I felt very identified with what was being said by the narrator. The fact that I was able to relate to it means it was good, because you’re successfully conveying a feeling.

My personal opinion aside, let’s look at the structure and all that jazz. The first stanza is 14, 13, 12, 11. The later stanzas also follow a similar format, but are no longer as perfect. Generally speaking, though, when the lines are long you can lose or gain a syllable or two without much damage done, so no biggie. The rhymes also follow a perfect AABB format, with only two rhymes being assonances (which work anyways).

Nitpicking: The only thing that I could note here is the use of “2:02”. This is only because people read differently. Some people might hear it as “two o’ two” and some people might hear it as “two past two”.

Verdict:
Alarra wins.

D'oh, I can't believe I missed that. I spent nearly the whole week working on word and syllable counts, too. :smallmad:

leakingpen
2011-01-31, 11:55 PM
Harukuni,

Thank you. As for lack, actually that line was written first, and back come up with as the rhyme. Warmth is lacking, I kinda miss how that isnt a transitive verb? But anyways, thank you for the critique!

Haruki-kun
2011-02-01, 12:33 AM
D'oh, I can't believe I missed that. I spent nearly the whole week working on word and syllable counts, too. :smallmad:

It's OK,it happens to everyone. :smallsmile:


Harukuni,

Thank you. As for lack, actually that line was written first, and back come up with as the rhyme. Warmth is lacking, I kinda miss how that isnt a transitive verb? But anyways, thank you for the critique!

It's true, but "Warmth is lacking" is not the same sentence you used. Not to mention the main verb in that sentence is "is".

In your sentence "lack" is used as a noun, "its lack". As I said, it's not (I think) gramatically incorrect. It's just that it sounds... off.

Worlok
2011-02-01, 04:16 PM
From what I can see, the poem is long-lined. The first stanza has one twelve syllable-long line and all others are 10 syllables. Further in, several lines become longer, 11 or 12 syllables. One Thing I can immediately say is a point FOR the poem is that it rhymes, and it does so well. I do have to point out as ineffective the rhymes of “man” and “again” in the first stanza, they don’t work together. Same goes for “does” and “was” in the third stanza.
I had a bad feeling about those two rhyme pairs, to be honest. Even though I did intend the 'man' part to be the highlight of that sentence, pronounced in such a way as to blend smoothly into the 'again' part, I can't remember now how I would have done it. So I understand. What I'm not quite clear on is the part about it being long-lined - Is that a bad thing? Or commonly frowned upon? Because I obviously wouldn't want to offend any artistic sensitivities. Thanks though, I'll try to improve on those issues in the future. :smallbiggrin:

Haruki-kun
2011-02-01, 07:42 PM
What I'm not quite clear on is the part about it being long-lined - Is that a bad thing? Or commonly frowned upon? Because I obviously wouldn't want to offend any artistic sensitivities. Thanks though, I'll try to improve on those issues in the future. :smallbiggrin:

Oh, no! Not a bad thing at all.

That's just me analyzing the poem's structure, I wasn't pointing it out as a negative point. Long-lined is just how it's written. It's a matter of style.

Worlok
2011-02-01, 07:50 PM
Oh, no! Not a bad thing at all.

That's just me analyzing the poem's structure, I wasn't pointing it out as a negative point. Long-lined is just how it's written. It's a matter of style.
Alright. I just wondered. Thanks. :smallsmile:

Emlyn
2011-02-03, 01:18 AM
So ya, this is taking far longer then I expected. College is being hell right now, but for sure I'll be done by Friday.

PhoeKun
2011-02-05, 04:03 PM
So ya, this is taking far longer then I expected. College is being hell right now, but for sure I'll be done by Friday.

It's after Friday. :smalltongue:

I'm sure something very reasonable and legitimate came up (it happens all the time). I'm just saying, if you can manage to get things wrapped up this weekend, we'd all be very appreciative.

@Asthix and Haruki: Thank you both for your very well made and insightful commentary. I've taken what you had to say to heart, and it's been very helpful to me in figuring out my poem's standing with myself. If that makes any sense.

Worlok
2011-02-07, 12:36 PM
Somehow, I do begin to worry... :smallfrown:

Leta
2011-02-07, 06:13 PM
If you're in a pinch for time, you can just decide your verdicts and edit in comments later. :smallsmile:

Vaynor
2011-02-08, 11:40 PM
Any volunteers for the last judge spot? If not, I will post my judgments later tonight (these will include minimal commentary, if at all, sorry to the participants).

Edit: I'll have my judgments up shortly.

Worlok
2011-02-10, 03:28 PM
Man, the suspense is killing me. :smalleek: Kidding, take all the time you need. :smallwink:

Vaynor
2011-02-10, 05:39 PM
Yeah, sorry, I posted that and then immediately got swamped with work at school. I'll have them up momentarily, and I mean it this time.

Judgments:
leakingpen
Alarra
truemane
The Fiery Tower
CWater
Worlok
Elvaris

With Lord Loss and Morph Bark disqualified for lack of an entry.

Winners:

leakingpen
Alarra
Phoekun
Szilard
CWater
Worlok
Elvaris

An odd number, this should be interesting. Might have to mix things up this time around. Next round will be (hopefully) posted later today.

Leta
2011-02-10, 07:39 PM
'Grats, Worlok. :smallbiggrin:

Worlok
2011-02-10, 07:47 PM
Thanks, Leta. And I wouldn't mind losing to you next time. :smallwink:

And thanks, everyone. I really had my doubts about whether or not I'd make it this far. :smallredface:

vollmond
2011-02-10, 08:15 PM
And 'grats to Alarra, as well :smallsmile:

PhoeKun
2011-02-10, 08:15 PM
So, even though I can do math and have known this was coming for a long time at this point, I still don't feel prepared to be in this position. I think it's because I wasn't expecting it.

That's not to launch into a tide of self denigration, it's just... true's really good at this stuff, and he put a lot of effort into his entry, and the results of that effort show. When the brackets got arranged, I had a plan all set up. I'd pour my heart into one last piece, get my butt kicked, and graciously ride off into the sunset forever. I'd get to make amends for my choke job last time, prove to myself I could still write under other people's eyes and constraints, and leave the world of competitive poetry on a high note.

Except... I won. Deep down I wanted to, but it was not in the plan. And, well... thank you to the judges for your commentary and for advancing me to the next round. And thank you to Vaynor for moving us along. And thank you to truemane, for pushing and inspiring me. I guess I've got at least one more round to go. Should be interesting!

Azuyomi244
2011-02-10, 08:40 PM
Congrats Elvaris :smallsmile:

Szilard
2011-02-11, 12:48 AM
I was sure I got beat. :smalleek: Props to FireyTower though, that poem was pretty good.

Now for the challenge ahead... *gulp*

leakingpen
2011-02-11, 02:39 AM
:shakes averagejoes hand: It was well fought! I admitted, I was kinda worried and spooked. This is the first time i've written poetry in, like, 8 or 9 years, and the first time in a dozen (since high school, sheesh) that I've entered a competition with my poetry. Glad to see I've still got the knack, but that was well done on your part as well.

averagejoe
2011-02-11, 03:19 AM
:shakes averagejoes hand: It was well fought! I admitted, I was kinda worried and spooked. This is the first time i've written poetry in, like, 8 or 9 years, and the first time in a dozen (since high school, sheesh) that I've entered a competition with my poetry. Glad to see I've still got the knack, but that was well done on your part as well.

Very few people have any reason to be intimidated by me as far as poetry is concerned. >.>

But, yeah, good game.

truemane
2011-02-11, 01:55 PM
And thank you to truemane, for pushing and inspiring me. I guess I've got at least one more round to go. Should be interesting!

And thank you, Phoe. Having you as my opponent really drive me to do the very very best I could. Loss or no loss, I am very proud of my submission and proud of the process of its creation.

And there's no one I'd rather lose to than you.

Well done, milady. As I said to you before, that was about as good a poem as I've ever produced. And so I do hereby admit uncontested and unequivocal defeat.

*bows*

I wish you all a productive contest.

Alarra
2011-02-11, 02:36 PM
Since we still appear to be missing a third judge, (at least I assume so, since I think Vay was just filling in to get the round ended) would any of you that were knocked out this round be willing to take that on?

Vaynor
2011-02-12, 04:16 PM
Yes, we still need a third judge. Anyone willing to step up? It would be greatly appreciated.

Iron Poet XII: Round 2

With a prime number, I had to do 1 three-way split. Hopefully it will work out.

For this contest: prepositions! Have fun! :smallbiggrin: (Hmm, I ended a sentence with the word "prepositions," is that kosher? :smalltongue:)

Alarra vs. Worlok vs. CWater: Nigh
Phoekun vs. Szilard: Amid
Elvaris vs. leakingpen: Beyond


Deadline: Sunday, February 20th 2011 at 11:59 pm (EST).

Asthix
2011-02-12, 10:20 PM
Man we lost a whole round. Less work for me I suppose. But I'm still disappointed.

Vaynor
2011-02-13, 12:44 AM
Man we lost a whole round. Less work for me I suppose. But I'm still disappointed.

It was either this or give someone a bye round.

Haruki-kun
2011-02-13, 11:39 AM
It was either this or give someone a bye round.

Just a random thought, but what if we picked two favorites on the three way battle? That way, those two would proceed to the next round, then the two winners from the other two would proceed, too, and next round we have two 1 vs. 1 battles.

Of course, that mostly depends on everyone submitting poems.........

Szilard
2011-02-13, 01:14 PM
If people already submitted poems the first time, odds are they will the second time, unless some big emergency pops up.

Haruki-kun
2011-02-13, 01:39 PM
If people already submitted poems the first time, odds are they will the second time, unless some big emergency pops up.

Usually, but not always.

Either way, your call, Vaynor.

Vaynor
2011-02-13, 03:34 PM
Actually, that's a great idea. Let's do that.

Leta
2011-02-13, 07:41 PM
I could do the judging thing, but only if no one more qualified shows up. :smallbiggrin:

leakingpen
2011-02-14, 12:06 PM
Hmm, i had kind of assumed that was what was being done, one person removed from each matchup.

averagejoe
2011-02-14, 04:26 PM
I could do the judging thing, but only if no one more qualified shows up. :smallbiggrin:

Qual-if-fied? I'd offer to do it if I thought I'd have sufficient time, and the crazy thing is they'd let me. They let literally anyone judge these things.

Vaynor
2011-02-14, 04:33 PM
If a squirrel could type, I'd let him judge.

Recaiden
2011-02-16, 01:25 PM
I'd judge.

leakingpen
2011-02-16, 05:47 PM
"Grandfather", I asked, "Where did Grandmother live?"

He said, "Over the farthest hill, and Beyond."

"And what", I asked, "To you, did she give?"

He sighed, "Everything beneath the sun, and Beyond."


"The air was clear, the sky burned with gold,

The day she came down here to me.

Face so fresh and sweet, eyes so old,

She chained my heart, and set me free. "


We paused beneath the elm's arching branches,

Sunlight filtered through the leaves above.

Grandfather paused, his breath taken in snatches,

As he leaned against the trunk, thinking of love.


"Grandson," His words again came to me, at last,

"She made me whole, when she came down to me.

I remember it like yesterday, though it be far in the past,

When she came from Beyond, yearning to be free.


A child, she said, could do the deed,

That no soldier could accomplish through arms.

To bear a descendant was a deep seated need,

For she was created, Beyond, to never feel harm."


At this he grew silent, and red rimmed under his eyes,

And I knew no more would be said.

And it explained at last, why my birthing cries,

I was told, announced that my mother was dead.


The legacy within my body, I know from my strength,

And my speed, from my mother's mother, from Beyond.

I wonder now, if I too will die, finally and at length,

Should I bear a child, who will be marked, by Beyond.

Leta
2011-02-16, 09:10 PM
I'd judge.If you want to, you can do it. If you don't want to do it, I'll go ahead and do it. You can pick. :smallsmile:

Recaiden
2011-02-16, 09:36 PM
If you want to, you can do it. If you don't want to do it, I'll go ahead and do it. You can pick. :smallsmile:

You go ahead and judge for this one. :smallsmile:

leakingpen
2011-02-17, 08:44 AM
Why don't you both judge? we could do it old school ironb chef, points and a winner. if the winner votes tie, we move on to points.

averagejoe
2011-02-17, 02:31 PM
Or just let Vaynor be the tiebreaking vote.

Haruki-kun
2011-02-17, 02:33 PM
Gonna be doing this again.

Iron Poet XII: Round 2

Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10412832&postcount=127) vs. Worlok (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10413543&postcount=128) vs. CWater (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10414919&postcount=129): Nigh
Phoekun vs. Szilard (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10410814&postcount=126): Amid
Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10409205&postcount=125) vs. leakingpen (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10389014&postcount=115): Beyond

truemane
2011-02-17, 03:21 PM
Yeah, I say more judges = better contest. If there's a tie Vaynor can break it. Or someone else can. Or, like, whatever.

Alarra
2011-02-17, 03:22 PM
Agreed. The contest always seemed to work best when there were 5 judges, though 4 will be good too, if for nothing more than the additional feedback the poets can get.

Recaiden
2011-02-17, 03:37 PM
I'm fine with being an additional judge, if Vaynor would like.

Vaynor
2011-02-17, 04:58 PM
Why don't you both judge? we could do it old school ironb chef, points and a winner. if the winner votes tie, we move on to points.


Or just let Vaynor be the tiebreaking vote.


I'm fine with being an additional judge, if Vaynor would like.

This would be great. The more judges the better.

Elvaris
2011-02-19, 09:08 PM
Prompt: Beyond


Early hunters
Clutch tethered spears
As they follow the herd
Over the next hill

Daring captains
Risk ships and crews
To cross unknown waters
For gold and glory

Fearless pilots
Command planes untested
Shattering the horizon
To touch the sky

Unflappable astronauts
Ride torrents of fire
Beyond the reach of gravity
Fulfilling destiny

Szilard
2011-02-20, 02:29 AM
Prompt: Amid

Heaven
I heard the shrill whistle
A shell through the air,
Then the booming crash

It went for hours
Shell after shell
Many lay dead,
More dying

Suddenly it had stopped.
We waited in the trenches

Another whistle,
This time lower,
An actual whistle

We got our guns.
The rats scampered off
And we scampered up

We were amid the war,
Amid the trenches,
Amid the wire,
Amid the bodies,
Amid the bullets.

Most of all,
We were amid the devils.
That is when I believed in Heaven,
Because I had gone to Hell.

Worlok
2011-02-20, 04:07 PM
I had planned to put this up yesterday already. Silly me, to think I'd almost missed the deadline. :smalleek:

Prompt: Nigh

The lament and confession of a lonesome lunatic

I am a man quite sensitive to touch,
the feel of skin, it means me naught but fright,
and every errand contact I begrudge,
from any statements of affection I take flight.

It isn't that I mind proximity,
the very human drive to hold a loved one close,
it's just that I despise humanity,
whose beastly urges such attraction shows.

And even though love and attention may be pure,
of all the ghastly cravings of the body free,
I find it hard to know such things for sure, endure,
and lack the masochism to just wait and see.

In fact, I do not speak in ignorance,
have for myself experienced such horrors, true,
which is the reason why I fled this dance,
why nowadays my instincts I subdue.

It came, a time ago, this case to be,
that one who'd give in to such feelings where they'd come,
turned in her blindness her love onto me,
oblivious to what I think - or don't think - scum.

She said that she would love me 'til the end,
I felt that such love'd come with strings attached,
and therefore, under her caresses my way sent,
I shivered, trembled, and in disgust retched.

It is the flesh as grim a weapon as the steel,
and when one day she once more drew so nigh,
I drew the latter, knowing how to feel,
said "It is for the best!" and made her die.

CWater
2011-02-20, 07:49 PM
I actually manage to get this done in time, even if I was really busy the whole weekend, yay!:smallbiggrin:
Nigh
When you walk outside
and the cold air burns your cheeks
You long for warmth
that can't be found even if one seeks
You stumble forward
and wonder the folly that's human mind
The frost creeps under your skin
especially now when the night is nigh

When you finally reach haven
you're already feeling sour
You just sit and sit and stare
at the hot chocolate that you poured
So close and yet so far
Two worlds in the same space
You laugh and shake your head
What a hopeless case!

How can you be
so close and yet so far
You sigh and silently curse
“Damn this silly world, damn this stupid heart.”
But well, it doesn't matter now
for the cold is finally gone
You take a sip from the yellow mug
and feel...warm

Comment:
Yeah,yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme all the way. Sue me.:smallsigh::smalltongue:

Asthix
2011-02-21, 03:13 PM
Szilard, condolences on not having competition as well as congratulations on moving to the final round three.

Judging in progress.

Szilard
2011-02-21, 05:08 PM
If people already submitted poems the first time, odds are they will the second time, unless some big emergency pops up.


Szilard, condolences on not having competition as well as congratulations on moving to the final round three.

There's a word for this...:smalltongue:
I wonder what happened with Phoe anyway...

PhoeKun
2011-02-21, 06:05 PM
There's a word for this...:smalltongue:
I wonder what happened with Phoe anyway...

Pneumonia. Couldn't think straight long enough to put a poem together until yesterday, which I managed to mostly sleep through anyway.

Don't like it as an excuse. I'm sorry for no-showing on you.

Szilard
2011-02-21, 06:32 PM
That sucks. :smallfrown: My friend also had pneumonia the last twoish weeks. Must be getting around...

But yeah, I'm sorry to hear that. :smallfrown:
But you're better now, right?

PhoeKun
2011-02-21, 11:34 PM
That sucks. :smallfrown: My friend also had pneumonia the last twoish weeks. Must be getting around...

But yeah, I'm sorry to hear that. :smallfrown:
But you're better now, right?

I'm on the tail end of it, so yes I'm doing better. I just wish it could have happened in time for me to actually fulfill my obligations to this contest and yourself. Again, my apologies.

I think it's definitely for the best that I not inflict myself on these things again.

Asthix
2011-02-24, 02:23 PM
Judging achieved. It is my understanding that I am to pick two poets to advance in the 'Nigh' category. Congratulations to all the contestants. :smallsmile: I still get the feeling I'm not making sense in all areas, but oh well.

PhoeKun vs. Szilard, Topic: Amid PhoeKun: No entry.

Szilard:First of all, I like that you titled it and I like the title. Secondly, nice ending! It's poetic, poignant and juxtaposes the idea of hell and heaven in a clever way, especially in how it reveals the meaning of the title.

My first impression was of how many times you used the prompt, 'amid' in the sixth stanza. Now there is nothing wrong with using the prompt in your poem. It's perfectly fine. Using it in five consecutive lines however gave me the impression that maybe you took the safe route there. Your use of 'amid' in the first line of the sixth stanza, "we were amid the war" is the reason I think. Without this use of 'amid,' the repetition of the next four lines seems necessary. But with the first 'amid' leading the way, it takes away from the repetition of the next four lines by wasting the literary power of 'invoking the prompt.' (to paraphrase a movie trope about invoking the title)

The trenches mentioned in the third stanza bring to mind World War 1, which certainly was one of the most hellish wars. I think the reason why the juxtaposition works well between war in the body of the poem and the belief in heaven at the end is because of that strong WWI influence translating by extension into a strong belief in heaven. So, extra points for good narrative structure.

Even without the sixth stanza, you do a good job of creating the feel of being amid war. Despite the spare dialogue even. But being too spare with words can lead some to believe the poetry is left behind. Lines like 'Many lay dead, / More dying' or, 'We got our guns' are examples of the kinds of lines you could push for more depth on in the future, I think.


Final Judgment: Szilard wins this round.

Alarra vs. CWater vs. Worlok, Topic: Nigh Alarra:The fourth stanza stood out to me for its skill in describing dance. You confirm it later but for that stanza you leave it up to the reader to interpret and it really succeeds.

It's not titled though, which can only not add to the poem. I like the extra space after 'eternity in the crossing' as well as the whole fifth stanza. Good use of space as a literary device so I won't point out that there aren't three stanzas in the first set.

I also think the ending is well done. You switch to a highly narrative format, by which I mean there are now two nurses, one who gets it, one who doesn't and you give a little snippet of their thoughts and motivations to unravel and ponder on. You maintain the poetic flavor from earlier and that's a plus. The first eight stanzas are more ethereal, any narration like, 'Revelers took to their rooms or cars' is like so what? This is love!

Anyway, the use of 'nigh' more than once as a reminder of death and sometimes to know when it approaches is not the most pleasant of topics but probably one that is better dealt with rather than avoided, which hey! What do you know, may coincide with what the nurses were talking about.

CWater:My first impression was of how the rhymes you used are spaced throughout the poem. I think it stood out right away because there are no rhymes in the last stanza. Just as the yellow mug can inspire brightness or happiness to the warmth at the end, the lack of rhymes can tint the last lines with their absence after you've used them above.

You use the prompt at the end of the first stanza but not in reference to the poem's theme overall, which is ultimately about hot chocolate being nigh. Nah, I'm kidding. Looking deeper, the ending draws a distinction between not being cold anymore and being warm. So the drink is merely the catalyst for the warmth that is nigh to finally be realized.

In the first stanza, the lines, 'You long for warmth / that can't be found even if one seeks,' seemed to work against the prompt for me. When I walk in the cold without adequate clothing I think about how that warmth is there in front of me somewhere if I keep walking, how it's drawing closer. For me, a heat source or a good blanket itself is what's nigh when I'm cold, I'm not hard to please when it comes to being warm. So it was hard for me to fully analyze how the poem relates to the prompt. Nice job overall though.

Sadly, the sixth line of the poem is not poetic enough for me to overlook that it's bad grammar. There should be another the before 'human mind,' I believe.

Worlok:First thoughts are for the ending. It was shocking, but more specifically literary shocking, like a classic tragic poem in a way. I like 'the flesh as grim a weapon as the steel,' and 'drawing the latter.' But the phrase 'made her die' does not work for me in a poetic sense. Perhaps it's a translation snag as you said English was not your first language but it doesn't flow for me. And in the third line, first stanza, the spelling is 'errant.'

Also, I hereby award you the 'Best Title of Round Two Award!' (sorry, award has no cash value) About the rhymes, there are a lot of half rhymes and some not-even half rhymes. The last stanza has good rhyme. The sixth has none. Technically, not even dance and ignorance rhyme, but screw that, it sounds good enough for me.

I also want to mention the 'scum' at the end of the fifth line. I've looked at it and I can't tell if it's him or her that is applying that label to the other. Even if it was just put in to satisfy the rhyme, (which works) I get the feeling that it was clear in your mind who was saying that to whom.

Overall, there is a certain selfishness in the tone of the poem. 'it's just that I despise humanity,' or 'turned in her blindness her love onto me,' are examples of the self centered view of the subject. Those who lack sufficient human contact growing up may indeed develop negative reactions to touch. So your poem describes the flight response caused by the knowledge that contact is nigh and the 'beastly urges' it represents. It does this well I think. Though at times you seem to contradict the point, like acknowledging that 'love and attention may be pure,' but feeling 'that such love'd come with strings attached,' and lacking 'the masochism to just wait and see.' I guess my point is that the meaning got a little muddied for me when sorting out the lunacy.


Final Judgment:I feel a little like a reality show judge where they're like, surprise! Two of you are moving on. Isn't it totally unexpected? I also found it interesting that two of you mentioned being at a dance when it wasn't related to the prompt at all.

As for the contest, I found out how you all related the prompt to your works. I like different things about all of your poems, but this vote comes down to the fact that Alarra's was the most poetic, and that I could identify more easily with Worlok's poem than CWater's.

My vote goes to Alarra and Worlok.

Elvaris vs. leakingpen, Topic: Beyond Elvaris:First impression was of how spare the poem is. It forgoes a proper ending in favor of further highlighting the examples provided. On readthrough, the second stanza is the weakest, lacking a powerful descriptor like the others. The remaining three stanzas all measure up equally in my opinion. Overall, it's kind of like the poetic equivalent of fireworks.

I like the representations of beyond in the four stanzas. Besides that there's not a lot to go on about.

leakingpen:The things that stood out to me on the first read were two. One, that the element of the fantastic is something I like and I think it represents the topic, as well as GitP, well. Two, that the rhymes stood out to me. I've thought about this and I do feel that the rhymes you used are a little on the safe side. Live / give, last / past, me / free. (twice) Individually there's no problem. But as a whole the rhyme scheme is not as vivid as I think it could be.

There's something difficult to communicate about the generation gap and perhaps this poem touches on that. Or perhaps it's about the generations themselves and the miracle of their continuation. Either way that's good and it makes me think.

Final Judgment:This was a tough one. In many ways, your poems had similar strengths and flaws. The balance came down to the fact that leakingpen's was more fantastic.

My vote goes to leakingpen.

Recaiden
2011-02-24, 04:41 PM
Amid - Szilard vs. PhoeKun

Szilard - Whistle and Amid are both repeated, Amid moreso and to more effect, but 'whistle', not being the prompt, feels more repetitive.
The choppy structure of it works well with the images here, showing the suddenness and shock of it.
The last stanza relates it to the title perfectly.
The only thing I really have an issue with is 'among the devils', which seems much more personal that the wire and the bullets. It would seem to refer to the enemy, which actually removes some of the horror and desolation by reminding the reader that there are whole armies with things to fight for.
But the rest of it carries over that message.

PhoeKun - No entry. Get well soon.

Szilard wins. By default.


Beyond - Elvaris vs. leakingpen

Elvaris - The poem is only four images, but they are very strong. The third one seems the weakest, being more abstract than the others in a rather visual poem, but they all hold up well. The interpretation here is clearly 'going beyond', a good capture of it.

leakingpen - I like that it tells two stories, immediate and in the grandfather's recounting. It makes the family connection so frequently referred to strongly felt.
I must admit I find this poem difficult to understand, at first. It's a terribly sad picture to me, magic and incomprehensible as well, that there should be anything so immediate as a person that cannot be destroyed. But, that is just a difference of vision. And it's good for making me think.
I do wonder about the last stanza - as this is the grandson listening, aren't his fears impossible, and isn't he the end of his line from Beyond?
Technically, I feel that the adherence to the rhyme forced the fifth stanza into an unflowing, unnatural order. To be clear, should the third line not come sooner?
And the twice-found rhyming of Beyond with Beyond through off the whole pattern. While I like the use of the prompt, I think only one use in each stanza would have been more appropriate. While I see there is value in having it doubled in the first and last stanza, a construction emphasizing continuity would have been, in my opinion, better.

Elvaris wins. While both were good, I feel that his approached the idea of 'Beyond' more immediately, rather than at a generational remove. Further, in managed to present a clear and strong image without complex rhyme or structure.


Nigh - Alarra vs. CWater vs. Worlok

Alarra - I think the first six lines would be better served as 4 and 2. But that is unimportant.
You have at least two meanings of Nigh here, but they are clearly a continuation. The first part is the nearness of love and then ending; the second is the nearness of memory and then death. I do not see any grand analogy I can draw between the two, except perhaps death as an ending, but I don't have to. The first part draws a beautiful picture for the second part to pervert. It touches on time very well, and gives some humanity to nurses, which is rare and appreciated.

CWater - It doesn't rhyme, but why sour and not soured? It is a nice poem, but I do not seem the theme in it much. I feel like there is a verse I missed, that would make it all make sense.

Worlok - This is not a topic of nigh I would expect, but a truer thing I have rarely read. The rhymes are not perfect, some are slanted and some miss, but the daring and expectation makes them work. Such strong emotions put so coldly -
-and the use of 'nigh', just once, is perfect.


Alarra and Worlok win. Alarra's was the most classically poetic and well presented. Worlok's was the more elegant of the two remaining, and also said what it said for the first time that I've seen. It was original.

Leta
2011-02-25, 10:32 AM
My university is closed due to snow, so I'll have my judgments done by the end of the day. :smallcool:

leakingpen
2011-02-25, 10:36 AM
Beyond - Elvaris vs. leakingpen



leakingpen - I like that it tells two stories, immediate and in the grandfather's recounting. It makes the family connection so frequently referred to strongly felt.
I must admit I find this poem difficult to understand, at first. It's a terribly sad picture to me, magic and incomprehensible as well, that there should be anything so immediate as a person that cannot be destroyed. But, that is just a difference of vision. And it's good for making me think.
I do wonder about the last stanza - as this is the grandson listening, aren't his fears impossible, and isn't he the end of his line from Beyond?
Technically, I feel that the adherence to the rhyme forced the fifth stanza into an unflowing, unnatural order. To be clear, should the third line not come sooner?
And the twice-found rhyming of Beyond with Beyond through off the whole pattern. While I like the use of the prompt, I think only one use in each stanza would have been more appropriate. While I see there is value in having it doubled in the first and last stanza, a construction emphasizing continuity would have been, in my opinion, better.


[/quote]

Oh crap. Thats a typo. Its supposed to say granddaughter, not grandson. (smacks self in face) also... no one gets it yet. I have to wait to see if any other judge gets the story. I have FAILED!

Leta
2011-02-25, 11:20 PM
Sorry, I didn't get it all done tonight. But I did get Nigh done, so...

Nigh- Alarra, Worlok, CWater

Alarra
Introductory thoughts: This is an interesting poem. It's written in free verse, but the subtle use of alliteration and repeated sounds keeps it sounding like a poem. So that's really well done. I also like the use of 'nigh' in two slightly different ways.

Another look:
Okay. I don't claim to totally understand this poem yet, but here's what I have.
There are three general sections to the italicized part of the poem, separated by two-line breaks. I would call them separation, connection, and finally disconnection.

In the first section, the second stanza, the speaker seems to be "crossing eternity" through a "stifling chasm". He's in his dream world in a moonlit garden.

Then the idea of 'eternity' comes back in the second section, when time seems to stop for them. "There is only now". This is what I called the "connection" part of the poem, when they come together. (at least in his memory)

The third section, however, is 'disconnection', and the first statement of the prompt nigh. He doesn't actually have an eternity to live in his memory--something ends. I'm not sure if I have this right, but the 'dressing tables' and 'stacking chairs' refers to something coming down--the tear-down of an event. And so the end is drawing nigh. This is probably one of the speaker's precious memories. Something about the winter may have brought it back to him? Anyway, as the memory draws to a close, we also see that that part of his life has drawn to a close. The 'you' from the italicized part of the poem isn't around anymore.

And the speaker's end is also drawing 'nigh'.

That's all I've got. But as far as I can see, part of what it's about is how memories can comfort us--how the nurses say he's not really alone. Of course, there are some darker things that have to do with 'nigh'.

All in all: The alliteration, assonance, and other things that I can't remember the names for come together to give it a great sound, but none of these things become so overt that they're distracting. The emotions in this poem are also very honestly expressed. I'm not sure exactly what I mean to say by that, but take it as you will. :smallsmile:


Worlok
Introductory thoughts: Well, the last line has the most impact, of course. "made her die" is an interesting choice of words. The title is good too—it raises the suspense, if that makes any sense. The 'lunatic' bit. The rhymes seem to slant in some places, but it didn't bother me too much. The meter is really good, I think. It's a little bit messed up, it changes in some lines, but it works. It fits into the ear nicely.

Another look:
Okay. Here's what I'm getting. The speaker in this poem is the 'lunatic' from the title. His main problem is that he hates human contact, but not for its own sake. Actually, he's terrified of his own sexual urges/lust. He's a little bit obsessed with purity, and this may be the source of his lunacy. He's almost certain that any relationship he gets into is going to wind up degrading into lust. In fact, he's so angry about these "beastly urges" that he shirks human touch altogether. That's why he says to us that he's very "sensitive to touch". While the man allows that there may be some pure love in the world, he's not sure if it will endure—not sure if he can trust it—and he won't give it a chance, perhaps out of overwhelming cynicism. This is his philosophy, and he holds it firmly, to the point that the murder he did seems completely justified to him.

Once Worlok has established the man's philosophy, then he introduces someone who acts differently, more like a normal person, someone who gives in to feelings of love. I like the little reference to the common proverb that 'love is blind' in the fifth stanza. But the man is afraid to make this connection, and he draws back. He calls her "scum". He thinks that all love will come with strings attached, so her efforts to grow closer disgust him. He thinks of flesh as a grim weapon, just like steel—this is another example of his philosophy in action.

In the end, taking his lunacy to an extreme degree, he makes his decision-- that it's "for the best" to kill her.

'Nigh' comes into it because she drew 'nigh' to him. Though it's a little bit of an archaic usage, I guess I'll let that slide.

Anyway, this poem is about a man who's afraid to fall in love—maybe even afraid to get too close to other people. It's an interesting exploration of his psychology.

All in all: The meter and rhyme could have been cleaner, but sometimes these things have to take a back seat to communicating your idea. This is one of those times. Anyway, nothing about the way the poem was constructed interfered with my enjoying it. The character is great, and the poem is an interesting look at a common urge in society—the urge to ignore sexuality. I think we've all been there, to a less extreme degree; afraid to be impure.


CWater
Introductory thoughts: There's more going on in this poem than it lets on at first, obviously. It's an interesting attempt to tell a love story... not 'without telling a love story', but something like that. It's just that the story is handled very subtly, and so much is left to interpretation, that it keeps things very interesting. The rhymes are on-and-off, but this isn't a bracket where I can afford to be too nitpicky about rhymes.

Another look:
Okay. If I'm not wrong, the storytelling is actually happening on a deeper level than I even thought at first. This might seem painfully obvious to some people out there, but it took me a second look to see that the weather was not actually weather—it was the story.

The speaker starts out in the 'cold', outside and alone. He longs for 'warmth'. Of course, this is the beginning of the love story. If we call 'cold'='loneliness' and 'warmth'='love', the first stanza is about how loneliness is hurting the speaker, how he wants love, but how it "can't be found even if one seeks". He's stumbling, and wondering at his own folly, and the night is drawing nigh. The night in this poem might well equate with death.

In the second stanza, the speaker reaches 'haven'. This sentence is constructed oddly. It seems to want to end in 'heaven', to me, but the word there is actually 'haven'. This is my second piece of evidence that the night is supposed to be death—I think CWater might have meant for us to make this mental switch here. But even if that's not the case, 'haven' is where he starts to 'warm up'. He looks back on his first search for warmth, and that's when he says that it was "so close and yet so far".

In the third stanza, the speaker grows a little bit more frustrated, repeating "so close and yet so far", and cursing the "silly world" and his "stupid heart", but it doesn't matter to him anymore, because the cold is gone. I think this might mean that he's died, but that's just my personal interpretation. Either way, the poem seems to end happily for him, because he finally gets warm.

The other thing, that I didn't find space for up there—the hot chocolate must be a symbol for something. Hmm... it might have something do with 'home' or 'coming in from the cold'. But I can't set my finger on it. What kind of English major am I? Ugh.

All in all: The poem is really wonderfully subtle. I love the use of weather as storytelling. I'm not totally sure about my interpretation that the speaker dies in the end, but that's great, because it means you've created a poem people can argue about, and that means you'e gotta be doing something right.



Verdict
This bracket is murder to judge. If every judgment goes like this, I might not be cut out for this job. :smallbiggrin: But I have to pick two here. So...
Alarra and CWater win.

Worlok's poem was amazing too. You guys didn't make this easy on me. :smallfrown:

Haruki-kun
2011-02-28, 08:59 PM
Sorry I'm so late.


REBEL 2
ACTION!

Alarra vs. Worlok vs. CWater:
Alarra:
You went with a structure slightly different tan the last poems I’ve seen by you. The tone is bitter… sweet. It’s mostly sad, but we don’t realize this until the end of the poem, which, I suppose, means it’s not MOSTLY sad, but primarily sad.

So to get the reviewing started: I suppose the first thing I’d pick on is the use of italics to denote the change in scene or point of view. It’s a valid tactic, but not as good as say… changing the structure depending on the point of view. There’s no rhyme to speak of and the line length is irregular, so no comments there.

That aside, the poem’s content was very good and…. Well, this is embarrassing, but I can’t figure out what else to say on it. =/ Good poem.

Worlok
Rhyme! Wonderful! Rhyming is always a plus!

The poem is told in first person narration and does a very good job at conveying to us how the person thinks. We understand his…. Bizarre way of thinking and his situation. It’s a bit on the weird side.

The poem’s structure is just… great. The only nitpick I have is the third stanza, the third line. I think “endure” was out of place, it just sounded like an extra. Which would have been fine to make the rhyme, but “sure” alone would have worked just as well.

CWater
Right… we have a poem whose basic structure is A, B, C, B, where both A’s rhyme. Are the rhymes are a bit sloppy, but they’re still there nonetheless. Except… it seems to stop at the middle of the poem. :smallconfused: The last stanza doesn’t rhyme at all. I could assume maybe “far” and “heart” rhyme sort of as an assonance, but “gone” and “warm” most certainly don’t.

Also, another point to make with the rhyming is that “pour(ed)” and “sour”… don’t rhyme. The “ou” is pronounced different. There's a pronounciation example here:

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/pour
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/sour

Verdict:
Worlok and Alarra

Phoekun vs. Szilard:
PhoeKun:
No entry.

Szilard:
The poem is fairly direct in exposition. It was written so that no one who reads it fails to understand what is going on: man in a war. In “hell” he calls it.

Most of the lines in the poem are short, five or six syllables, with the exception of the last stanza where we have a line go all the way up to nine. For the most, the rhythm feels natural and the odd-length stanzas were not executed in an unappealing form.

If I had to nitpick, I’d just say one thing: Periods. Add periods at the end of sentences, if you go out of your way to add commas, then periods need to work somewhere in there, too. But I suppose a lot of poets decide periods don’t matter…. So, yeah…

Verdict:
Szilard by default.

Elvaris vs. leakingpen:
Elvaris:
For once, I’m gonna look at the content before anything else, because I have to say, the content is excellent. We have, as short and sweet as possible, the story of mankind’s evolution. Not evolution in the Darwin sense, but in the technological and sociopolitical development of humanity, written in four stages: Learning to live off the land, learning to explore and find new lands, conquering the earth, and setting out to space. From hunters to astronauts.

Now, for the actual structure… it’s natural. You try to say the poem out loud and it just comes out alright. It’s nothing extraordinary, though, no rhyme and line length is irregular, but it works well with rhythm, so no complaints.

Leakingpen:
Hmm… where to start. I need to start complimenting you on the length and content of the poem, it’s a very sweet story being told and in some way a child asking himself a lot of very complicated questions.

That’s the upside. The downside is that the lines are too long, and this, while reading the poem, either out loud or quiet to one self makes the rhymes fade away. They feel less like rhymes if they’re… OK, no, they do feel like rhymes. But the effect of the rhyme is lessened.

As I said, though, content is great, and I want to tell you that I personally loved it. It was beautiful.

Verdict:
Elvaris wins.

Szilard
2011-02-28, 09:10 PM
@HarukiWell, I do actually have periods in the piece. But I tried to only put it in places where I wanted the sentence end... abruptly? Definitively? That seems like the word. Otherwise, a comma for a little break, or nothing at all to leave you hanging

Yeah. That's about it. But why should I be complaining? :smalltongue:

Haruki-kun
2011-02-28, 10:23 PM
@HarukiWell, I do actually have periods in the piece. But I tried to only put it in places where I wanted the sentence end... abruptly? Definitively? That seems like the word. Otherwise, a comma for a little break, or nothing at all to leave you hanging

Yeah. That's about it. But why should I be complaining? :smalltongue:

Don't think too much about it. :smalltongue:

It's just that I like a little more consistencey. I noticed there were periods IN it, just... not everywhere. With me it's either all or nothing, sorry. :smallredface:

leakingpen
2011-03-01, 01:35 AM
So, did we end up with 5 judges, or 3? are we still waiting on judging, or is that the round? Cause I am DYING to explain my poem.

Vaynor
2011-03-01, 01:53 AM
We are currently waiting on Leta to conclude his judgments.

Leta
2011-03-02, 09:10 AM
Sorry, guys. I'll finish it up by the end of the day. (all of it this time :smallbiggrin:)

Leta
2011-03-02, 10:34 PM
Okay. So here are my finished judgments. I'll do a more in-depth write up on the poems later, but for now, in the interest of moving the contest along;
Judgment for Nigh (in another post)
VerdictAlarra and CWater win

Amid
Szilard wins by default. I'll do the writeup for this tomorrow. I have most of my free time Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sorry that there's no write-up here right now.

Beyond- Elvaris and leakingpen
ElvarisI like the poem. The words have a driving force to them, the structure and the meter or whatever, so I'm liking that. I mean, it could have rhymed I guess, but I'm not sure if that would have been a good thing for this poem. The structure evokes the feeling of adventure, of Beyond in general, very well. So that's excellent. The structure, the wording, everything seems to work. The short lines are a nice touch. The content gets a little bit boring with repetition, but it's almost like a history of adventure through the ages, so I can see how you arrived at this point.

leakingpenThis one went above my head on the first, second, and third readings. That's not necessarily a bad thing. There are just points in it that I can't figure out. Instead of writing about my conclusions, all I can really do here is ask my questions. What did the grandmother yearn to be free of? What was this thing that a child could do that would normally be done by soldiers? What does it mean that the grandmother "was created"? Why does this story explain why the speaker's mother died? Is Beyond the child's first name or his last or neither?

Well, even though I'm confused, the poem was still excellent. There are a few awkward turns of phrase like "To you, did she give", which just sound weird to me. That's really the only thing I dislike about the poem, though.

Verdictleakingpen wins

Vaynor
2011-03-03, 02:28 AM
After casting the tie-breaking vote, the winners of this round are:

Alarra
Worlok
leakingpen
Szilard

I'll have the new round up tomorrow.

leakingpen
2011-03-03, 05:45 AM
::blinks:: Really? Did not expect to win that one. Elvaris, really good round!

to explain my poem,
Beyond is a reference to outer space.Grandmother is a genetically created soldier who is fast, strong, and practically immortal. Her built in training prevents her from letting someone kill her,or taking her own life. But if she breeds, she dies. Which was built into her by her creators, prevents any escapees from breeding an army of supersoldiers. She escaped a war, found a rural backwoods planet, and had a kid with a guy in irder to be free, to finally die. She didn't know her daughter would have the same built in death switch, though. oops.

Elvaris
2011-03-03, 10:53 PM
Congratulations leakingpen. Good luck and good writing in the next round.

Worlok
2011-03-03, 11:08 PM
I won? Talk about unexpected. :smalleek: Good round, everyone. I seriously didn't think I stood much of a chance. :smallredface:

Szilard
2011-03-04, 12:02 AM
So I guess that makes three poets who didn't expect to make it to round three... :smalltongue:

Vaynor
2011-03-04, 05:12 PM
Sorry for the delay, had a midterm yesterday.

Iron Poet XII: Round 3

Alarra vs. Szilard: Beside
Worlok vs. leakingpen: Within

Deadline: Saturday, March 12 2011 at 11:59 pm (EST).

Worlok
2011-03-04, 10:28 PM
Just so I can adress some points raised about my last entry (the one for this round should be up by Friday - I actually have a rough concept done already, but it still need a lot of fine-tuning - Would it be okay if it happened to have some religious imagery, what with the board rules and all? :smallconfused:):


I've looked at it and I can't tell if it's him or her that is applying that label to the other.
It's him applying it to her. That's what the "I" in that line was for, the whole thing is written from his perspective and perception - with the semi-exception of the "made her die" part: It was originally intended to show the sudden nature of his attack on her - she's getting closer to him and so far, he has not taken any steps to signal to her that he's not "interested", but then he suddenly turns around and kills her. I had hoped the lapse in style would highlight the "shock" effect of the whole affair.

As to the out-of-place-ness of "endure" in the third stanza, I had been worrying about that. It is meant to be readable as both "I find it hard to (...) endure (such things)" as well as "and yet/therefore I insist on my philosophy (the philosophy, and therefore the protagonist himself, who, in this context, is characterised only by his views on love and closeness, endures)", but I can see how it would seem odd in that place. In retrospect, I probably should have streamlined that passage a little.
That being said, I really want to thank you guys for your words on the poem. To think that it would leave an impression that profound and overall positive makes me happier than I can usually muster the self-esteem to be in regards to my writing. Thank you all. Very much so. :smallredface:

Asthix
2011-03-05, 01:53 AM
Worlok:
It's him applying it to her. That's what the "I" in that line was for, the whole thing is written from his perspective and perception...
This occurred to me after I had posted, that from the perspective of the poem it definitely is him applying it to her. I may have rushed my judgments in the 2nd round, with leakingpen and Elvaris especially. My apologies.
...the "made her die" part: It was originally intended to show the sudden nature of his attack on her - she's getting closer to him and so far, he has not taken any steps to signal to her that he's not "interested", but then he suddenly turns around and kills her. I had hoped the lapse in style would highlight the "shock" effect of the whole affair.
From a stylistic perspective, I'd have to agree.

That being said, I really want to thank you guys for your words on the poem. To think that it would leave an impression that profound and overall positive makes me happier than I can usually muster the self-esteem to be in regards to my writing. Thank you all. Very much so. :smallredface:D'aww. :smallredface:

Szilard
2011-03-12, 12:02 AM
Prompt: Beside

Park Bench
Fools,
The lot of us.
None as foolish as I.

I went for it.
Listened to the old man.

Better to have loved and lost?
Bolshevik.

I went for her.
We were partying.
All of us.
But I went for her.

Now here I am.
Sitting.
On a park bench.
Beside no one.

Alarra
2011-03-12, 05:46 AM
Just a heads up that I'm probably going to be using my 1/2 day extension here, as I don't believe I will have time to write a poem today, though I do have it somewhat thought out.

leakingpen
2011-03-12, 12:45 PM
From within to without
The words flow from my fingers to without
The clicking, the clacking, no need to shout
The sounds flow from my lips to without
Tempered by smile, frown, or pout

The images move from my hands to without
The brush driven cross a circuitous route
The story flows from my body to without
Gyration narration, no movement in doubt

Our every action, thought, or dream
Artistic pretension, con job, or scheme
For good or for bad, it will seem
That all we are or do,flows to without

The container that never empties
Filled by our virtue and our sin
All we are, our strife and our peace
Flows to without. From Within

Asthix
2011-03-13, 09:29 AM
Well let's hope that Worlok is the good kind of busy. condolences to leakingpen for advancing on a bye.

Judging Complete.

EDIT: Sorry it took so long, I had to upgrade and rewrite the software on my router which conveniently takes forever. :smallmad:

I am so happy you all had such great titles this round! It made the decision for the coveted No Cash Value award very difficult but I think the poem title that deserves it is from Alarra with '5:15 From King's Street Station' since it reminded me of a suspense thriller movie. (Also her poem is a suspense thriller) :smalltongue: To the judging!

leakingpen vs. Worlok, Topic: Within leakingpen: Wow, excellent job on the first two stanzas! They definitely stood out to me. Despite the rigid, repetitive line structure the verse has a clear direction. It doesn't feel repetitive to me.

The eighth line, 'Gyration narration, no movement in doubt' is to me a great line for several reasons. My first and strongest interpretation of it was how the word, 'narration' together with the 'words, sounds, images, story' progression generated the metaphor of poetry. Also the sense that the first two stanzas are both a representation of and a lyric how-to for writing good poetry, how the line itself is a good description of the attitude I think we all would like to have towards writing poetry, no movement in doubt. Also the eighth line lends authority to the rest of the poem. That whatever comes next is something which is known, practiced. Acknowledged as a process, not just a singular act. The poetry metaphor is likely just me, since I'm thinking about the poetic process already when I read these. Obviously that's a very specific interpretation of a more general metaphor in the first two stanzas, one about dance or perhaps more basically about storytelling. Overall, I think line eight is one of those rare lines that is more than the sum of its parts. In the right place and with the right wording to influence the whole poem.

With that said, I feel that the third stanza sort of tapers off in quality at the end. The phrase, 'it will seem' at the end of line eleven preserves the certainty mentioned earlier with the word 'will' but it is the first time in the poem that the phrasing seems to be determined more by the rhyme scheme than the narrative. Then there is the spacing error in line twelve which although minor, detracts from the elegance implied by line eight. Line twelve is also the first line to sacrifice the rhyme scheme in favor of further antithetical (I hope I'm using that word correctly) reference to the theme. The lack of rhyme is what stood out to me more.

Finally, the last stanza I had to read several times before I understood that 'The container' 'filled with our virtue and our sin' is ourselves. Each of us is a container for 'our every action,' 'flowing to without. This ties in nicely with the third stanza and makes it more relevant. I will admit I was also fixated on the lack of rhyme between lines thirteen and fifteen until I considered the entire last stanzas' full context. Then the lack of rhyme there seemed unimportant. Good job!

Worlok: No entry.

Final Judgment: leakingpen wins this round.

Alarra vs. Szilard, Topic: Beside Alarra:The term I would use to describe this poem is psychological thriller. What I mean is that it starts off innocent, wistful. Then by Wednesday the first stirrings of antagonism, of uneasiness emerge. By Friday I, as the reader am sure that if I was the subject of affection in this poem I would want them to say something, anything instead of ensuring they 'do their part' in the 'crush of bodies' against me. Saturday reveals the neuroses of the um, stalker? This is where I wanted to make a joke about the movie 'So I Married an Axe Murderer' but I couldn't think of anything tasteful enough. Sunday and Monday remind me what a horrible person I am for thinking ill of anothers' desires and that we're all human with our own hopes and dreams, striving to reach them in our own way. Thus the stage is set for the inevitable 'oh, they're not really crazy, let's leave them alone' so the cycle can begin all over again' syndrome of true psychological thrillers.

This was the sense I got of the poem on first readthrough because I approached it from the subject of affection's point of view, not from the actual subject of the poems point of view. Their attention is so focused on this other person as to supplant themselves as a meaningful individual. There are few details of them other than that they work, and their feelings of lonesomeness and anxiety alternated by boldness and resolve.

Overall I am left conflicted between the well written nature of the poem and the bleak aspect of its content. It relates the nature of 'beside' to mean separate from. Close to but away from, in a way that, while apt and certainly relevant, is presented with tragic finality. It seems to me that the subject is doomed to remain beside the object of their affections not because of failure to communicate, but lack of true desire to do so. I believe they think they want to, but... For me, you have sold the tragic figure so well that I didn't believe them when they 'resolve to say hello, learn your name,' I just didn't buy that this person would actually do it. Bottom line, the character, though well executed, did not end up being compelling for me.

Szilard:Because you titled your poem, 'Park Bench' the second stanza stood out to me as a reference to the movie 'Forrest Gump'. This is probably unintentional, as old men on park benches are a popular motif, but it gave further depth to an overall spare and minimalist poem. Though even without the movie reference I think you provide enough poetic content to carry the poem.

I think how you worded things compliments the fact that each line is its own statement with it's own period. The breaks don't interfere with the pace of the narrative to me. Even the first line can stand on its own, though it has a comma. (the second line not so much but its not really a major issue) I wonder if there's a word for poems where every line is it's own sentence.

I like the use of 'Bolshevik' as well as the fourth stanza. The repetition of, 'I went for her' solidifies what the poem is about, provides a reference point for any ambiguity elsewhere in the poem.

I could use the word bleak to describe this poem, so I will. It is a temporary bleakness however. This person's situation / feelings will change, even if its only to get off the park bench. So the negative aspect to the poem does not perhaps run too deeply. The poem's brief nature perhaps brings this to mind. Nice job overall, short ones can be more tricky but you did fine.


Final Judgment:I think it's fascinating that you both took almost the exact same meaning of beside and wrote two poems that end up in the same place but take the opposite sides of the coin to get there. One trapped beside no one because of a failure to act. The other trapped beside no one because they did. Both subjects feel that their folly is the most egregious. But maturity will show that in matters of love, trying your luck is always the right choice in the end.

'Happiness is never having to say you're sorry.' and no matter what anyone says, that means you should go for it.

My vote goes to Szilard.

Vaynor
2011-03-19, 03:52 PM
Judges? Let's get a move on!

Recaiden
2011-03-19, 04:10 PM
Within

leakingpen: The rhymes were very awkward, I think the repetition of 'without' breaks up the flow of the stanza. Furthermore, I personally dislike the use of without. I have never heard that word to mean other than 'lacking', and while I understand how you are using it, I do not like it or feel in is appropriate to the poem.

Worlok: No Entry. :smallfrown:

Decision: leakingpen wins by default.

Beside

Alarra: That was certainly twisted and creepy. http://www.giantitp.com/forums/images/icons/icon14.gif The week going by is a nice way to break up a longer poem, and I am only disrupted from the poem by the word 'rendezvousing'. The scene is easy to visualize, and the narrator's sad state well conveyed.

Szilard: Barely breaking the word limit, the poem is totally free in construction, and only the odd word order makes it poetry, I guess. The use of 'Bolshevik' is humorous and sad. Better to say what you would say, or put in asterisks or alt numkey symbols. It does refer to the prompt well, and impart the desolation he feels.

Decision: Alarra wins. Better imagery and a better story.


Sorry to be so late in judging. The week has been very busy.

Haruki-kun
2011-03-19, 06:39 PM
Judges? Let's get a move on!

Apologies. Missed the deadline.... I'll have them up by tonight, tops.

DONE! Aaaaaand......


REBEL THREE!
ACTION!

Alarra vs. Szilard:
Alarra:
This actually reminds me of a Spanish song titled “Jueves”, about a girl who has a crush on a guy on the same train. And of “You’re beautiful” by James Blunt… although the exact situation is quite different in both. Trains just seem to be romantic.

Judging time: Before anything, let me say that I really liked the divisions in the poem. Normally they’d throw me off, but the way you used them works nicely. We see time moving forward, time passing, different instances of the same situation. The story told is endearing.

Now, the structure is a bit hard to judge. From what I gather the poem is written on a “feels good” basis rather than a strict “count every syllable” basis… which is OK! But I’m a bit of a stiff poet. Matter of style. By “feel” the poem is fine, so I’ll chalk it up as an approved structure.

The content as I mentioned is great, and there’s no rhyme to speak of, so let’s leave it at that.

Szilard
Pretty good, actually. It’s a sad story. Can’t help but feel sorry for the poor guy.

The exact details of the events are not given, so it’s hard to understand exactly what happened to the person. Was he drunk? Was she? Were any third parties involved? We don’t know. This can both work for you and against you. On the one hand, it’s always interesting if the reader can make up his own picture of what exactly happened, and they will. Our minds don’t like blank areas of not knowing, so we’ll fill in the blanks. On the other hand, it means that your own vision isn’t really transmitted to the readers: Sometimes the audience just wants to see what you see.

Structurally, the poem paces itself nicely and you can feel the different parts of the speaker’s thoughts: I was a fool, I went for it, the guy was wrong, I went for her, now I’m alone. The point here is that the stanzas separate when the thoughts shift, not when the structure demands it. This is also a point in its favor, which only works with a “feeling” sort of structure.

That aside I don’t think I can say the structure is above expectations. It’s more… meeting expectations. It was great, but it pushes no boundaries.

Verdict:
It was a difficult choice, but Alarra wins.

Leakingpen vs. Worlok
Leakingpen:
A poem about… writing a poem or creating a story or a work of art! Awesome! People don’t appreciate the creative process enough.

Well, when a poem rhymes, the first thing I do is analyze the rhyme. Easiest part. My thoughts: “Huh.” The first two stanzas rhyme beautifully. The next two are a bit strange. Stanza 3 breaks the rhyme in the last line, and while it rhymes with the first stanzas, it doesn’t feel like a rhyme because… well, we’ve already lost the previous rhymes by then.

The last stanza is only strange because it doesn’t follow the already established sequence in the poem. Otherwise it’s a simple ABAB sequence, so… makes perfect sense.

Worlok:
No entry.

Verdict:
Leakingpen wins by default.

Leta
2011-03-20, 05:51 PM
Leakingpen vs. WorlokleakingpenI like the way it sounds. I know that's a little bit vague, but the rhythym and structure of the poem are very well put together. The rhyme scheme is also nice. The sound is the best part of this poem, I think. There's no verdict here, because leakingpen wins by default, but the poem is excellent either way. WorlokNo entry

Verdictleakingpen wins by default

Alarra vs. SzilardSzilardI think the use of the word 'Bolshevik' is interesting, although I can't put my finger on exactly what it means yet. I think, due to context, it's also meant to stand in for 'bull****', but I wonder what exactly the Bolsheviks have to do with this poem. Other than that, the story is very straightforward. The other thing is 'the old man'--apparently someone who the speaker of the poem knows. I'd like to connect that with the Bolshevik factor and say something amazing and interesting, but I'm afraid I don't know enough history.
The language of the poem is pretty good, too. It doesn't rhyme, but it doesn't have to, and overall I think this poem probably succeeded in what Szilard wanted it to do. (Of course, I can't be certain about that, because I'm not Szilard)

AlarraThis is definitely interesting. There's something romantic about the idea of taking the same train every day just hoping to spot someone else, but there's also something kinda creepy about it, like the speaker is too anxious for physical contact. And of course, in the end it turns out the speaker might not see the other person on the train ever again
As for the structure of the poem, I like the way it's broken up into days. It works really well how each day builds upon the last, and the weekend leads up to the final Monday of the poem. Also, it helps to see how taking the train in the morning is the most important thing the speaker does.
Overall: Bravo. It was a lot of fun to read.

VerdictAlarra wins.

Alarra
2011-03-20, 06:56 PM
@Leta

Also, it helps to see how taking the train in the morning is the most important thing the speaker does.
Overall: Bravo. It was a lot of fun to read.
Actually, he sees her on the train every evening, not morning. :smallsmile: Thanks!

Szilard
2011-03-20, 07:00 PM
@Leta: Yeah, Bolshevik was meant to stand for bull****, and ever since I learned about the Bolseviks in AP Euro, I always thought it sounded similar enough to be a substitute at times. :smalltongue:

@Haruki-kun:
the lack of detail was mostly due to the fact that I had the idea of the phrase "beside no one," but I had no idea how to get to it. Another factor is the fact that once I knew I was against Alarra, I didn't really try as hard, since I know she's won three times so far. But all the same, I tried to make the shortness work for me. Thanks for the almost-vote though. :smalltongue:

@Recaiden:
The reason I barely broke the word limit is because I didn't quite believe in myself once I was put against Alarra, so I don't really blame you for voting for her. :smalltongue:

@Asthix:
No, I did not have Forrest Gump in mind when I wrote the poem. It's definitely a great movie though. :smalltongue: Otherwise, thanks for the vote. :smallbiggrin:

I think that's all the judges... Thanks for judging! :smallsmile:

Alarra
2011-03-20, 07:14 PM
@Szilard
Another factor is the fact that once I knew I was against Alarra, I didn't really try as hard, since I know she's won three times so far. The reason I barely broke the word limit is because I didn't quite believe in myself once I was put against Alarra, so I don't really blame you for voting for her. :smalltongue: Now, you're just being silly. I've also gone out in the first round in two contests. You're a very good poet and the quality of a person's entry is very variable depending on the prompt, time and a lot of other factors. There's no reason to think that just because you're against a previous winner you can't win. Also, you got a vote even without putting a lot of effort in, so think how well you might have done had you really tried. Also, I really liked your entry.

@ judges You know, I didn't initially intend this poem to be creepy. Somewhere around mid-week he morphed from a shy guy unable to talk to someone he finds really attractive into a kind of stalker. I'm not sure whether I like it better creepy or not. :smallsmile:

Leta
2011-03-20, 10:11 PM
@AlarraHm. Yeah, maybe 5:15 in the morning is pushing it. Come to think of it, I don't know if the trains would be running. :smallbiggrin:

Vaynor
2011-03-21, 01:24 AM
Congratulations to leakingpen and Alarra! Now, for the final round!

Iron Poet XII: Round 4

Alarra vs. leakingpen (http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c83/Vaynor/falling_by_daughterofhermes-d31uj33.jpg)

Deadline: Monday, March 28th 2011 at 11:59 pm (EDT).

Alarra
2011-03-21, 01:59 AM
Ooooh, fun picture. You know, I like picture prompts so much better than words.

Vaynor
2011-03-21, 02:50 AM
I like them more, too. The only problem is that they're a lot harder to find (rather, it's a lot harder to find good ones) so I tend to only use them when there's a low number of people in the round.

Szilard
2011-03-21, 10:53 AM
Alarra:
Well... thanks.:smallredface: But yeah, I guess it's a bit silly of me.

leakingpen
2011-03-21, 12:17 PM
Judges
Thanks for the kind words everyone. Recaiden, that was my first thought on the word, it took me a moment to even remember the other meaning. sorry you didn't like it. I wanted to actually end every single line with without for the first two stanzas, but decided that would be cheesy

interesing prompt!

leakingpen
2011-03-26, 04:27 PM
Thank you all for a wonderful contest. Here is my final entry. I apologize, I got a little... experimental. But I like it.

Falling notes, Watery motes.

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I wrote on the sheet.
Its was proper and clear. Simple. Not elite.
Shoes pulled off, layed by the railing with care.
Socks quickly joined them, crumpled from wear.
A step up on the metal, past the “No Jumping” sign.
Don’t think, just do. Just jump. In like a lamb. Out like a Lion!

Amazing the time I find to think.
Amazing the words that come easy and free.
This is so much better than blood in a warm sink.
This is so much more fun than a gun could ever be.

I worked it out on paper, a dead fall from two hundred feet.
I worked it out on paper, from jump to splash, three and a half seconds.
The railing just sailed by, three and a half seconds, then a watery fate to meet.
The railing just sailed by, and, blocked by a post, “Jumping”, the sign now recommends.

So many friends I’m leaving behind, they’ll never understand just when or why.
So many friends I’m leaving behind, good friends, I’ll make that admission.
I could have written so much more, something to make them cry.
I could have written so much more, a storied explanation.

Marjorie, you were with me all the time, and never saw my face.
Kathleen, you were my first, my crime, and never heard my voice.
Johnathon, you knew my heart in its grime, but never felt my touch.
Scott, you joined my decent to the slime, but never knew my fear.
Frank, you heard my every rhyme, but never my reason.

Good friends all, and I do you wrong in this way,
Good Friends all, and on my heart it does weigh.
Now it is time, for my life to go away.
And I see the bottom of the bridge.
Twenty feet at most are gone.
And time stretches.

Falling forever, free and clear, falling forever, until I smear, rocks and water, wait to embrace, solid liquid matter, leaving no trace, my life doesn’t flash, it plays real time, every mistake rehash, every awkward rhyme, gravity taunts me, a fly caught in amber, to be or not to be, I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to remember, why does time draw so slow, falling forever, infinity below, reality to sever...

Eyes closed, wind in my ears, I resign to my fate.
The truth I’ve learned, moments, years too late.
Caught in a trap, the moment I leapt, I passed the bend.
This is my Hell, waiting an eternity for eternity to

Asthix
2011-03-28, 01:51 PM
So, Alarra and leakingpen, should I begin judging or should I wait until twelve hours after the deadline in case someone wants to use their extension to edit something?

EDIT: Well you posted right on the deadline leakingpen. Very punctual. :smallwink:

Judging in progress.

Alarra
2011-03-28, 06:55 PM
I don't intend to edit mine, though I can't speak for leakingpen.

leakingpen
2011-03-29, 12:01 PM
I'm good. judge away my friend!

Haruki-kun
2011-04-01, 01:09 AM
REBEL 4
ACTION!

Leakingpen:
This is quite simply the saddest thing I’ve read.

Right, judging time: The poem itself excels at content and emotion. The exposition is beautiful and the way the narrator tells us everything s/he feels is amazing, we can picture the scene clearly.

For the structure, I’m going to go by parts. First, the usage of the word “elite” in line 2 sounds off. The word itself CAN be used in this sense, but it’s generally used for people, not to describe something as “extraordinary”. I mostly bring this up because it gives away a feeling that the word was only chosen so that it will rhyme, which is OK in poetry, but what makes the poem good is that if you choose a word just so it rhymes then you have to make it sound more natural.

The sixth line, last in the stanza, also feels off: it’s too long and “lion” doesn’t rhyme with “sign”. I don’t want to make a big deal out of that in particular because I don’t know if a rhyme was intended here, but since the other 4 lines in the stanza did rhyme, that the last 2 don’t throws me off.

Stanza 3 has “feet” and “meet” which rhyme perfectly fine, but then it has “recommends” and “seconds”. This also doesn’t rhyme, because of the stress being on different syllables. However, it’s also an issue of “I don’t know if a rhyme was intended”.

I am, however, going to say this one thing: The last stanza’s play with rhymes is EXCELLENT. I did hear the word “end” right after the last moment in my mind, I expected it and it wasn’t there, but it sorta was, like a ghost rhyme that we add ourselves. This was a risk, and it worked, and I cannot begin to express how good it was that you took it.

Alarra:
This poem is touching, I’ll say that. It starts in media res with the girl already outside in tears. She doesn’t want to show her tears. She didn’t even want to be there, it was something they forced her to do.

Now, for the judging: The poem doesn’t rhyme, so we can skip right over that. The first stanza immediately tells us where we are via description, although the thirdline feelslike it was cut off all of a sudden towards the end: “My mind remained” and then “helpless” made me have to go back and read the whole sentence again.

I’ll skip to the ending: The ending itself is confusing and open to analysis. She sounds almost like she’s glad they pushed her overboard. Was it really that bad? Maybe she thought it was, maybe it really was.

I skipped to the end mostly because… as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t have much else to say. I read this poem in the morning and spent the rest of the day wondering about what to nitpick on it and couldn’t come up with much. I eventually realized that this is a good thing… if you can’t come up with many negative aspects, then that probably means the poem doesn’t have many. It was a very strong piece.


The Verdict:
Alarra wins.

On a personal note, let me add that I thought both poems were excellent.

Asthix
2011-04-02, 03:29 PM
Alarra vs. leakingpen, Topic: Picture found here http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c83/Vaynor/falling_by_daughterofhermes-d31uj33.jpg

Final Round Activate!

Alarra: My first impression is of the eloquence of your prose. Well done. I especially like the phrase, 'captivated by tendril conversation.'

The character, the setting with its night and its sky all created an enveloping scene. The free verse is crafted very poetically and even the 'indention' is used correctly. Bravo.

The end to me works and is understandable as the loner finding peace from the tumult of party by the realization of escape. Really I cannot find a meaningful criticism of this poem and would probably vote for it against many competitors. Congratulations!

leakingpen:
I apologize, I got a little... experimental.Hmm. If you're apologizing for the typos... I accept. ('Its' to 'it' at the beginning of the second line as well as 'decent' to 'descent' in line 22 fifth stanza) Otherwise, don't apologize for your art. No one should apologize for their art, unless it's dehumanizing or hate filled. (this is not)

This poem was hard for me to critique. What you are reading is the fourth draft. With that said, one of my neighbors growing up was a child psychologist specializing in suicide prevention. So its something I've learned a little about the motivations behind. This poem is about ones journey toward the realization of the hell that is suicide. The end of the poem is clear and strong on this point, I think. Suicide is a horrific decision made primarily when depression clouds ones judgment. In this state, small things, the perceived lack of action on anothers part as well as small details in their surroundings can seem to encourage them to overcome their natural survival instinct. This is why I feel it's important to never be provocative with a message that could be interpreted as supporting suicide.

I think you might agree that much of the poem is not entirely smooth structurally, even the first stanza. The second stanza makes the repetition work the best along with the more difficult ABAB rhyme and its (I don't feel I'm exaggerating here) extreme provacativity. The second stanza is the best poetically of the whole poem to me.

Which is why I feel that the positive descriptions of suicide methods in it as 'so much better' and 'so much more fun' can completely overshadow what you are trying to say with this poem in the eyes of someone who is troubled. Poetry is about evoking an emotional response. If the most striking example of that is in the second stanza, then I have to be against this poem based on what I know of peoples behavior in depression. And I'll leave it at that.


Ultimate Showdown!Similar to the last round having a matchup with opposite viewpoints of a path to the same conclusion, so this final round has both competitors interpreting the picture provided in a specific way.

Both poems' conclusions exist in the instant before the result of the picture. The moment when realization dawns on the subjects and perspective is attained. Which poem accomplishes the reader's understanding of that realization better becomes my criteria for judgment.

My vote goes to Alarra.

Thank you to all sixteen contestants. Without you it would not have been the same. I hope I have left you with the notion that your poems were all given the careful consideration they deserve.

Recaiden
2011-04-02, 04:33 PM
leakingpen

How tragic. It's probably bad, but my first thought is that she should clean her socks first. The focus is entirely on the death, and though she even says that she could have explained and didn't, I can't help but feel that the poem is incomplete, that she still remains incomprehensible. Perhaps that is the point.


Alarra

How sad. It reflects the same mundane dramas as any could, and is more spoken to a natural something of the ocean as well.


Verdict
Alarra wins. Being thrown is to me, a better poem's basis than suicide, though the ending stanza of pen's poem made it a very hard decision, I feel that as a whole, Alarra's is better, though the best lines belong to leakingpen.

leakingpen
2011-04-04, 12:11 PM
Well, that is three out of five, yes?

::Bows to Alarra::

The honor of battling you is mine. Congratulations.

Thank you to all the judges for your kind words. Specific comments:
Harukai-kun
I was always taught that a rhyme is based on the ending sounds. So to me, those rhyme. I know some people base on last x number of letters, or last couple of syllables, but that seems nitpicky to me.

As for too long, I intentionally increased the length of every line to give the impression of time slowing down, then reversed from that point.

As for the last line, thank you. I was actually stuck on how to end it for two days before deciding to do that.


Asthix
typos, damn. My bad. Also, you assume the person is depressed. Depression is not the only cause of suicide. nothing else in the poem points to depression, just a desire to no longer be alive.

Also, I took the picture to be representative of being frozen in that falling position. Therefore, for me, my poem exists during the picture, or should I say, the picture exists during the entirety of the poem, static, the person unmoving as they fall.


Recaiden
Yes, the specific background is obscured, the fall itself and the thoughts in the person's head the important part. Also, my MC is a dude, even though the pic is a woman. Thank you for the comments!

leakingpen
2011-04-04, 04:03 PM
Vaynor, thanks, that made my post appear, but yours still seems to be invisible. Im willing to bet that posting this one will make it show up, but then THIS one will be invisible until someone else posts.

PhoeKun
2011-04-04, 04:08 PM
Vaynor, thanks, that made my post appear, but yours still seems to be invisible. Im willing to bet that posting this one will make it show up, but then THIS one will be invisible until someone else posts.

Prepare to be surprised! :smalltongue:

While I'm here, congratulations to Alarra, indisputable master poet of the playground. You write so well so consistently that it gets hard sometimes to keep my jaw attached at the hinges.

You're not exactly a slouch either, leakingpen. Two pieces very deserving of the final round. Well done!

Vaynor
2011-04-04, 05:16 PM
Vaynor, thanks, that made my post appear, but yours still seems to be invisible. Im willing to bet that posting this one will make it show up, but then THIS one will be invisible until someone else posts.

I had actually deleted my post after making yours appear again. Congratulations Alarra! And well done to leakingpen as well, as Phoekun said, both were well-deserving of the final round.

I'll have the next contest up momentarily.

New contest (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=10703706) is up! Go sign up! :smallsmile:

Alarra
2011-04-04, 11:43 PM
Prepare to be surprised! :smalltongue:

While I'm here, congratulations to Alarra, indisputable master poet of the playground. You write so well so consistently that it gets hard sometimes to keep my jaw attached at the hinges.

You're not exactly a slouch either, leakingpen. Two pieces very deserving of the final round. Well done!

:smallredface: Thanks, Phoe. That means a lot coming from someone who's writing ability I think so highly of. And yes, leakingpen, good job. I very much enjoyed your entry. :smallsmile:

Haruki-kun
2011-04-04, 11:48 PM
Harukai-kun
I was always taught that a rhyme is based on the ending sounds. So to me, those rhyme. I know some people base on last x number of letters, or last couple of syllables, but that seems nitpicky to me.

Sorry... but I'm afraid I can't agree. For a rhyme to be a proper rhyme, the vowel sound must be the same.

Here's a Wikipedia article on Perfect Rhymes. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perfect_rhyme)


Everything else

Ah. Sorry, I didn't catch your play on the line length.

And well... nothing to add on the last line, I still think it was great. :smallsmile:

leakingpen
2011-04-05, 10:50 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Half_rhyme

like many things in my poetry, my rhymes never have to be perfect.

Asthix
2011-04-05, 04:13 PM
leakingpenAsthix

*snip* Also, you assume the person is depressed. Depression is not the only cause of suicide. nothing else in the poem points to depression, just a desire to no longer be alive.
*snip*

I did qualify my definition to say that depression is the primary cause of suicide, not the only. I also thought about how there is no specific language explaining the person's motivation while judging and that your intent with the poem might be completely removed from depression.

I decided in the end to focus my comments around my point that the tone of the second stanza could overshadow your broader intention with the poem. I was trying to explain a negative emotional response and since it was difficult for me I felt I should try to explain it thoroughly in case it was difficult for the reader as well. I didn't mean to make it seem like I was focusing only on depression in regards to your poem, I just chose to leave out technical critiques for the sake of clarity. :smallsmile:

leakingpen
2011-04-05, 04:18 PM
fair enough. I'll keep that in mind in the future, thanks.