PDA

View Full Version : Quotes!



Foeofthelance
2006-03-15, 11:09 PM
This started as a joke amongst one group, and soon spread. Every once in a while a player would say or do something stupid (both IC and OoC) and it was to good to let go. Below are merely some of the things said in games, by gamers, or about gamers. Prepare to be offended, we pull no punches. And feel free to add your own!

The Things Gamers Say

“I’m not evil, my morals just aren’t the same as society’s.”

“Women should only come when they are making sandwiches.”

“Where would we be without technology?”----“Happier?”

“The more fun it is to eat, the more likely it is to kill you.”

“Who needs drugs when you have anime and games?”----“Besides, I couldn’t afford drugs any way”

“I’m going to cut out your heart with a Kender!”

“Well, I went out trying to rape a steamroller. It's a man's death.” (Courtesy of Bash.org)

“Oh, I poked too hard and killed myself!”

“Did you just say with a shaved kitten involved?”

“Is that an Elven saber in your pants or are you happy to see me?”---“No, it’s an Elven saber.”

“The undead do not give foot massages!”

“The evil guys go, ‘We shall conquer the world!” while the good guys go ‘Ooh Bunny!’---SQUISH”

“From chaos comes order, and from order comes chaos.”----“Then where do refrigerators come from?”--- “General Electric.”

“I don’t want an Osakian accent. They’re as bad as Texan accents.”

“Mommy, Santa took a crap in my stocking!”

“Everyone has a bullet with their name on it. It’s the ones marked ‘to whom it may concern’ that worry me.”

“I believe it is perfectly acceptable to accept a bribe as long as you don’t act on it.”

“It’s a can of towers.”

“Wrap yourself in my fat.”

“Dude, that’s how the black guy dies in every movie.”

“Wait there were six guys and two girls and half the class was making out ?”

“Well that’s an orgasm right there. I mean orgy!”

“Stop making it outside your quarters.”

“That’s the answer to life the universe and everything! How many houses must I loot? Forty-two!”

“Going to war with France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.”

“I am Twinkie, the Eskimo trained poodle, destroyer of worlds.”

“Turnips echo loudly.”

“I’m a girl so either I get a large amount of experience or a really big weapon.”

“The gnome wanders off to find a banana tree while you all talk to a monkey.”

<SNIP>

“You have life problems.”

“I drink dirty.”

“How do you roll a d8?”---”With a d8.”

“You know what a dork is right?”---”I’m a dork!”

“Our dork is a strawberry blow pop.”

“I’ve heard of D&D. It’s kind of like Chutes and Ladders.”

“I tease myself.”

“She drank old man blood. Its stronger then herpes.”

“Why diet when you can eat?”

“Stop deep throating the eggnog.”

“I fire angry ticks out of my nipples.”

<SNIP>

“Grant and Mike haven’t said anything because they’re chewing.”

“I don’t have rabies I have syphilis!”

“History is written by the victor…or the necromancer.”

“You killed it beyond death!”

The Game

“The bartender is a Torrsaque.” ---“A what?!?!?”

“You are now gay. You gain a plus 10 to fashion sense checks.”

“I sense motive.”---“You sense that the bartender really wants to kick you in the nuts.”

“I shoot him point blank. With a ballista.”

“Nine?”---“Nein!”

“I bribe nature.”

“So we just killed a whole bunch of bugs because they were black?”

“Actually, I was really just trying to kill the dog.”

“The barbarian gets raped by a dire squirrel with an enlarge spell.”

<SNIP>

“Man overboard!”---”I think you mean man under board.”

“The otter saves your ass.”

“I can’t big until tomorrow.”

“You stroke your otter while the dwarf rides it.”

“Hey man, pants up!”

“You suddenly realize otter piss enhances your swim ability.”

“Morning comes and I dodge!”

“Of course you can wear doggy pants, but people will laugh at you in battle.”

<SNIP>

“Have him say that he’s a mute.”

“The werewolf has a trampoline! Kill it!”

“You take the board and thrust it up into his crotch.”

“Mount the Manticore!”

“You know you want the manticore in your lap!”

“Let’s go sleep with the sheep!”

“Better yet I’m going to ride the sheep!”

“The rogue is pedophile.”

“Is that a dwarf in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?”

“I seek the power of the almighty twinkie!”

"... And the halfling goes berserk. Everyone make fear checks."

"-What do I see?
- Um... A halfling, riding on a dog. The dog is flying."

"Look, guys, it's obvious he isn't going to tell
us anything, and we're wasting our time here,
and our supplies are low, and it's been *so*
long since we've had fresh meat...."

“The nuke? The nuke! Of course, why didn’t I think of that!”---”But you don’t get a reflex save.”

“I can hide the dwarf in my pants!”

“Obscuring mist is only good if you want to beat it in public.”

“Scooby Doo walks up to you…”

“You can’t make the save against box text.”

“I’m going to piss on him.”

“Your hand is now down your pants.”

“Congratulations, you are now Michael Jackson.”---“But I’m not black.”---“Neither is he.”

“Take us to your dude.”

“I try and activate the dragon.”

“The dragon is so shocked, it misses.”

“You just bitch slapped the dragon.”

“The dragon is now attracted to the gnome.”

“The dragon failed its straight check.”

“Tell him you took a vow of silence.”

“You don’t use diplomacy to seduce someone, you use bluff stupid.”

“The dog and psion are know high on mushrooms.”

“The psion now thinks he’s one of the dogs.”

“He then falls over dead from a drug overdose.”

“I cast light on my torch.”

“I’m a Barbie wolf, in a Barbie rage…”

“The kender crits…with a book. Oh, and it’s a plus one tome.”

“The pen is mightier then the sword, and so is my book!”

“Did you just tell Palin Majere that an amulet of an evil god was pimpin’?”

On Gnomes

“I tie the gnome to my leg!”

“I shoot the gnome in the ass!”

“I agree with the dwarf. For about two seconds. Then I run and hide!”

“It’s hard to be afraid of the gnome when he doesn’t have a ballista.”

“You got gnomed!”

“The gnome pisses on you.”

“Your gnome loses his mind.”---- “Nooooo the Eskimos did!”

“Oh my god, the gnome just invented twinkies!”

“The dwarf reaches in and tongues the leather.”

“The gnome invents Viagra.”

“Someone kick the gnome so we have a foghorn.”

“There is no way the guards won’t believe you were drunk.”

“I’m going to deforest the gnome.”

“The gnome seduces the dragon.”

“The dwarf is crowd surfing the bugs, and you’re using him as a surf board.”

“Your gnome now looks like an ever quest gnome. Your head is now twice the size of your body.”

“Why are you trying to get the dragon to deep throat you?”

“The gnome is now stoned.”

On Dwarves

“Dumb Dwarf!”

“Stupid Dwarf!”

“We tie the thing to the dwarf’s leg.”

“Why do we always tie things to the dwarf?”

“Dwarves on the whole are very unslinky like.”

“The dwarf is sitting on the ground, tied up, and singing in aquan about the dragon. Badly.”
<SNIP>

The Bartender

“The bartender is a Torrsaque.” ----“A what?!?!?”

“The bartender is Neruul.”

The Necromancer

“The Necromancer gets stabbed in the back by an orc.”

“The Necromancer gets stabbed in the back by a bandit.”

“The Necromancer gets stabbed in the back by a manticore.”

“The Necromancer gets shot in the back.”

“The necromancer is criticled from behind

On the Subject of Criticals:

“You climb so well you walk back on the rope”

“You climb down headfirst.”

“The dwarf does a double back flip into the hole.”

“I just Matrixed.”

“Your shot splits it down the middle.”

“You activate the air.”

“Congratulations. The boat now looks like beef stroganoff.”

“Its head boils off.”

“You run up to the statue, hug it, yell red rover red rover, and it works.”

“You sever his head by plunging your rapier into his neck.”

On the Subject of Failure:

“You smash into the side of the ship.”

“While trying to accept the goblins surrender, you fall in the water.”

“Your crossbow explodes into you.”

“You make yourself look like an idiot and fall in.”

“She sees a tree as she walks into it.”

“You cut your hand.”

“You bash your shin.”

“You bash your shin again.”

“You bash your shin for the third time in a row.”

“The manticore chips a tooth.”

“You are now convinced the boat is a powerful magical item.”

“You stare into the sun.”

“You poke yourself in the eye with the spyglass.”

“You hear God. Your head implodes and your heart explodes.”

“You hit yourself with the rock.”

“The bad guy flies into the ground.”

Things That Sound Odd, But Shouldn’t

“Sounds Like my idea of a good time.”

“I need someone to got out to the forest with me.”

“Excuse me sir, how much for a sheep?”

“No one will suspect you of anything, the ranger is all over you.”

“Sleep with the stable.”

“I’ve had worse things in me.”

“I just want to explore the deep holes!”

“I’ve put bigger things into tighter places.”

“I’m marking my territory on the dwarf.”

<SNIP>

“I want a stiff drink.”

“I’m holding a pole with a sack at one end and no armor.”

“I’m going to search the manhole.”

Stupid Names for Skeletons

Bob (Human)
Sir (Human)
Stanley (Human)
Delicious (Human)
Hellman (Manticore)

Stupid Names For Ninjas

Bob the Ninja

Skills That Should Exist

Use Magic Animal (Turn On)
Seduce Dragon
Bitch Slap
Craft (Ethnic Foods)

Spells That Should Exist

Summon Barry Manilow (Legendary Bard)
Summon Indiana Jones (Legendary Rogue)
Summon Chuck Norris (Legendary Monk)
Summon Humphrey Bogart (Legendary Bogart)
Summon John Wayne (Legendary Duke)
Power Word Cuss
Symbol Obscenity

If Dungeon Parties Had 'Little Black Boxes,' the Most Common Final Recordings Would Be:

“Why is something so small listed as a 5th level monster? “

“We'll cover more ground if we split up! “

“I don't detect any traps.”

“They're not that impressive, are they?”

“I'll get it! I just learned to cast FIREBALL!”

“Godcall. Pffft. Like anything'll happen if I shout ‘Hey! Cthulu! Bite me!’”

“I jump out of hiding and waste one with my crossbow. “

“I don't detect any evil.”

“Hey, I'll bet that unholy artifact fragment fits together with this one. “

“Look! As long as I don't roll a fumble, I'll win!”

“I'm not worried. I have a +2 sword!”

“Whaddaya mean, trolls here aren't affected by daylight?”

“I cast an illusion of a bridge, and tell no one to disbelieve it until we're safely across the gorge.”

How to tell if your Dungeon Master has military experience:

The orc hordes you encounter have noncoms and medics.

Healing potions also restore tattoos.

The Winged Horse won't fly until you do a full safety inspection.

The dungeons are patrolled by MP's that keep asking 'Who started this fight?'

If you don't state that your character is performing scheduled weapons and armor maintenance after each combat, they rust to powder in about a day.

Elves give directions with terms like 'Fore' and 'Aft.'

You learn to retreat from any monster with a Marine Corps tattoo.

The curses attached to some treasures include KP Duty and Full Kit Inspection.

You can't stop for a night without submitting a complete watchbill for the characters in camp.

New players joining after the adventure starts show up with Transfer Orders.

The kingdom has a number of trolls, minotaurs and giants caged in silos on the border. The threat of MAD (Monster Assured Destruction) seems to keep the peace.

No matter what sort of area you adventure in, or what background culture dwells there, or what the dominant race of the surroundings is, every town, keep, village, city or fish camp you enter has at least one bar, two brothels, three pawn shops, a tattoo parlor and a barber shop.

The Healing Cleric always makes you wait for two hours before trying to send you away with a pair of toadstools and forced fluids.

After the goblins pass by, all the dungeons have a fresh coat of paint .

A mysterious figure, the Gunny, appears every time you make a mistake. Don't make mistakes. Just don't.

Saying 'we tie him up' always starts a 20 minute discussion of knots, with 4 skill rolls.

Guard Dogs are not just hit points that bark...they're chain saws with fur.

If captured by the monsters, your character always gets put to work digging latrines. Even if held by ethereal beings that don't use them.

Magic Users have to account for every ounce of equipment or supplies they carry, in careful attention to the rules for burdens. Blooded warriors can put 'One Piano' on their character sheet and it's just assumed they can 'handle the load.'

Every advancement to a new class level involves a trip to a tattoo parlor.

Laws of Dungeon Delving

No matter how bad your last level was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the lowest dungeon level, since you still have to climb back up to go home.

Your best adventure will be followed almost immediately by your worst adventure ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you brag to about the former.

Brand new magic weapons are monster-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more powerful the magic of the sword, the greater its attraction to monsters.

Fumble rolls are mathematically as likely as Critical Hits. In play, fumbles are four times more likely.

No matter how clearly stupid it may have been to attack a given monster, no matter how overmatched the hero was before the first blow was struck, all the surviving party members must solemnly chant "Bad luck on the dice roll, dude," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

The greater the experience of the player, the more he overestimates the abilities of his newest character.

The first level of every dungeon in the world has a secret desire to humiliate adventurers before they even see the lower levels.

Waiting for the other guy to make his save and rescue you is the most painful torture known to man.

The rate of consumption of consumables is directly proportional to the distance from any chance of stocking up again.

Dice are alive. If they aren't, how do you explain the way they work against you?

God-Calls annoy the Gamemaster. This is why they take such delight in presenting the called God as being annoyed by the summoning.

NPCs are small, weak, lazy, lacking in initiative and dependent on your good will to survive...until you let them hold your magic sword, then they can out steal, outfight, and outrun you, your party, the city watch and most of the combined armies of the known world.

All woods more than 3 miles from the city gate are demon-possessed. "Civilized areas" are points on the map, not circles or any other area-inclusive shape.

The last three treasures or curses of a dungeon will automatically adjust your net worth to what it really should be.

A severe fumble is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

"Nice form" can usually be translated to "wasted motion."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

The person or monster you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who shows up after you fumble your weapon over the side of the canyon.

Dragons have no word for "friend." They don't understand the concept. The closest they can get is "an enemy who isn't dead yet."

Intelligence is your ability to learn new things. Wisdom indicates your ability to not kill yourself with the new knowledge.

Charisma is not exactly how a person looks, there are a number of factors that work together. Still, remember that no centerfold was ever described as having a "nice personality" in her top ten compliments.

Strength is the ability to lift heavy things. Constitution is your ability to walk to a cleric despite the pain from horribly overestimating your strength.

The day you have more than enough Holy Water to clear the undead from the Castle is the day you meet your first Agnostic Vampire.

All vows made during combat shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

When inside the stomach of a beast, it is possible to coup de grace and back stab the stomach of the beast in the same action.

Gimli’s Law- No matter how big the creature, and no matter many creatures it takes with it, it still only counts as one kill.

Important Delving Terms

Amazon: Party member out to prove she's more of a man than any man, while dressing to prove she's also more woman than any woman, and acting like she's more of a woman than any man can handle.

Ballad: Form of entertainment describing the events experienced by victorious heroes.

Dirge: Form of entertainment describing the actual events experienced by heroes.(See also: Eulogy)

Blood: Inexpensive marking device used to inform other delvers where traps are located.

Copper Piece: Inexpensive marking device used to show late-coming delvers where treasures used to be located.

Bone: That part of a delver likely to last long enough for the authorities to determine exactly which dungeon you died in (Sometimes a critical question for determining disposition of worldly goods).

Campfire: Device used to attract monsters, above and below ground.

Chiurgery: the art of preventing people from bleeding to death by attaching leeches to suck them dry. See also: Quack, Suicide, Lingering Death and Amputation.

Danger Zone: Subtract X (the number of times you have exited from a dungeon) from Y (the number of times you have entered a dungeon). Any time Y-X does not equal zero, you are in a danger zone.

Dirty Harry Speech: A phrase, riddle or essay composed by adventurers during slack time to commemorate a victory, underscore an irony, humiliate a foe, or otherwise enhance the drama of a combat round. Also, a signal to villains to attack immediately because the guy doing the talking really, really expects you to wait politely until he finishes.

Dragon Hoard: Place for adventurers to store shiny personal effects while they work their way through the reincarnation cycle back to Hero again.

Dungeon Party: Means of leveraging your afternoon up from a mere suicide to a suicide pact.

Face Off: The reason players are hard to identify following an orc attack.

Familiar: Really cool, slightly useful and very dangerous aspect of being a mage, in that you bind a good deal of your soul and hit points to a small animal that couldn't fight its way out of a Teletubby slumber party.

Fault: Mechanism for determining the member of the party that will be most useful when a human (or near human) sacrifice is required.

Fog: Weather elemental used to allow your fate to sneak up close and prevent preparation or escape.

Funny: Gamemaster word used as a synonym for "deadly."
"You hear a funny noise."
"Something smells funny."
"Something about the temple just seems funny to the cleric."

Hero: The adventurer most willing to be the first to enter a dungeon (lair, den, nest, warren, burrow, labyrinth, ruin, marsh or any other term for the location of a collection of monsters).

Wealth: Items of interest retrieved from the remains of the Hero.

Hibernation: Method some monsters use to minimize the chance of being detected by a party and also maximize their grumpiness when the party stumbles over them.

Magic Weapon: A device augmented by supernatural forces, designed to use adrenaline and confidence to cause suicide.

Magic Wand: A 'Magic Weapon' for character classes that don't use swords.

Holy Item: An object augmented by supernatural forces, usually involving the horrible death of a religious celebrity, used by a less famed follower of the same religion in the quaint hopes of preventing their own death. See also Magic Weapon.

Mapping: Process by which a Gamemaster uses poor language skills to highlight a player's poor graphing skills (and vice versa). Usually resolved when all attempts at mapping are suspended during high speed transits. (See also: Retreat)

Natural Weaponry: That part of a creature designed to poke holes in the adventurer's body parts. All animals have weaponry. Some carry it in their mouth (fangs), some carry it atop their heads (antlers, horns), and most have something painful on their feet (claws, hooves, steel-toed shoes). Classification is left to the naturologists, just be aware anything with a pulse will try to kill you.

Negotiate: Means of delaying combat rounds for as long as it takes for the monster to figure out which of the party is the greatest threat.

Ninjas: Disposable bad-guy combat round minions deployed for humor relief. Unless there's only one, then he's death on roller blades.

Ocean: Place where pirates store armor and those who wear it during maritime combat.

Optimism: An annoying characteristic of first-time characters. Not usually a problem after their replacements are rolled up.

Oracle: Supernatural being with the amazing power to tell you exactly 76% of what you need to know to complete an adventure. No refunds.

Plowshare: Shiny new metal tool the villager leans against while denying any idea of where your arms and armor may have got to.

Rest: a state of non-exertion, without emotional pressure, blinding pain, closing pursuit or fear of betrayal from co-workers. See also: Death.

Retirement: Long term rest See also: Dead and Buried.

Retreat: Process by which delvers become aware of the fact that they no longer have access to the exit.

Sacrifice: Means of drawing the attention of the Gods. Usually not your own

Scouting Report: A specific genre of fiction produced by NPCs.

Starlight: Naturally occurring phenomena used to determine that something big has ripped a hole in your tent.

Tent: Packaging material for bear or tiger food.

Supplies: Any consumable, and a reason to enter small villages while traveling towards adventures.

Lynch Party: Reason to avoid small villages while traveling back from adventures.

Tasty Meat Snacks: Body parts removed from delvers by means of traps, attacks, fumbles or other accidents and left to distract dungeon dwellers during retreat.

Tentacle: Quick way to determine if a being or animal is from another dimesion and likely to munch your face off.

Torch: Device used to explore dark spaces, ensure footing and search for clues, treasure and traps.

Torchlight: Radiation from a torch used to lure monsters to the party.

Darkness: Lack of radiation used to indicate the loss of a torch and (usually) the nearness of the monsters.

Trail Blazing: Method of ensuring that all the villains in the forest or maze will be able to find you.

Treasure Map: Device used by The Dark Lords to keep their dungeon dwelling monsters excercised and well-fed.

Treasure: Ethereal concept used to entice otherwise rational citizens into investing time and money in committing suicide.

Vulture: Naturally occurring phenomena used to find party members separated from the group.

Impatient Vulture: Last thing seen by lost party members.

Shark Fins: Vulture substitutes used during maritime adventures.

Impatient Shark: Same as impatient vulture

War Cry: Mechanism to make sure total surprise is never achieve in war, attack, ambush or assassination.

Reasons to remember that ASL is NOT the same game as AD&D

- You can bet that Torrsaque has more than 4 movement factors.

- actually more than 6 also.

- your 32 FP flamethrower will not even dent the confidence of a red dragon.

- no matter how many times you CX, you can't outrun an Elven Ranger.

- even your 10-3 leader will likely break and run if faced with a 21st level fireball. If this leader is Erwin Rommel in person, the Axis are in real trouble.

- your death star kill stack will definitely be outgunned by the small, dark, female elf with the white hair and the necromantic robe

- even if she pretends to be a Peasant Girl

- c'mere Boys... BOOM

- If wishing to sic your Tiger on the dragon over there, kindly pause to consider that its frontal armor factor is around 75. Even from the rear, you'll not get less than a 60.

- and as for your Stuka, and aerial armor factors - forget it. The dragon just took off, and he can maneuver better than any DB.

- KAPOWWW! There goes that Tiger...

- I love the smell of roast panzergrenadier in the morning

The Vorpal Tribble
2006-03-15, 11:18 PM
Here is a list I collected years ago in my very first campaign I ever played. It took place in real time in a chatroom on mIRC.

Most of these sound 'really' bad out of context...

(AO is the DM, btw. The rest are the players)

-=-=-=-

"Llyrani: ooc and he isnt Ralph...the fraggin bird in Shaara's backyard is Ralph!

"Sharra: ooc Is the house still on fire?

"AO: ooc make that a purple yellow and green diaper

"Llyrani: ooc I killed the baaastard

"Faaza: ooc oh no, the suckling pig is still red inside! Oh, wait, go get Tinuvael, he'll know what to do!

* AO puts the bling back in IngblayIngblay

"Phulish1: If she would quit eating walls it would help.

"Fidelia: ooc: ANGIE! I am so sorry! I clicked on ban instead of op! I am sorry!

"`Hobo: Any toe cheese Andrew?

"AO: There is nothing wrong with nakedness. In fact, my apartment is an independent municipal entity. Its called Naked Land.

"Sharra: ooc The maiden, Linu, is a weird thing from the Nine Hells.
"AO: ooc maiden? THAT is an assumption

"`Hobo: I listen to the voices in my head and answer them

"Sylva: Although if it's a thief, as soon as he comes up here and sees me in my underwear, I'm sure he'll run away again!

"AO: The beast gobbles down the schwag

"Fidelia: Musical gas, that's me!

"Sylva: I've discovered a foolproof method of increasing breast size myself...

* Sharra tirs to move Linu back away from the guards
"Sharra: ooc trys
"Sharra: ooc tries
"Faaza: ooc very good ;)
"Sharra: ooc oh nevermind

"Sharra: But, if they are cornered and shone they did something wrong, they, I believe, will do what needs to be done to make it right.
"Sharra: ooc or showed?
"Faaza: ooc shown
"Sharra: ooc ok shown
"Sharra: thanks
"Faaza: know problum

"AO: ooc malus has left his mark with all the smirking going on

"Sharra: ooc its not dandruff, it's bread crumbs!

"AO: Recrap last game

"Sylva: ooc Well, I've decided to get dressed since the pizza guy will be here any time now.

"AO: And you waggled the poor old man's self, you should be shamed you pervert

"AO: Through the course of the measurement, Tinuvael bumps Faaza's crotch several times, each time apologizing with less and less protest.
"Faaza: ooc *looks at Steve oddly*
"AO: ooc Whats odd is that Tinuvael didn't bat an eye.

starwoof
2006-03-15, 11:27 PM
Oh wow. Thats just...brilliant.

Bravo friend. Bravo.

Donsic
2006-03-15, 11:50 PM
Wow, looks like you guys have a lot of free time, yes? Most of those were pretty good.

The_Chilli_God
2006-03-16, 01:53 AM
Oh, yes, I got some.

"The orc, after saying his goodbyes, walks away in the direction he came from, for no apparent reason."
---
DM: "You see a room with a vat of black goo."
Megara (Half-Drow Bard): "C'mon, MURK, you know you want to dive into the goo. It makes you stronger."
MURK (Orc Fighter, 4 int): "Black goo make MURK stronger!" *Dive, starts drowning*
---
"So, MURK just killed 3 orcs singlehandedly in a single round. At 1st lvl. With a half-cooked limb of halfling lodged in his axe."
---
"I turn undead! How long do I stay undead for?"
---
MURK: "I shall hide now." *1* "I'm standing in a corn field, in plain sight, with my hands over my eyes, saying to myself 'If MURK can't see them, they can't see MURK!'"
DM: "The tarrasque ignores you."
MURK: "... Okay, I charge."
---
Cleric of Kord: "Hey guys. How's i-- Sweet mother of Kord!"
---
"So... It's a Chicken Merchant Merchant Murderer Murdering Merchants with chickens?"
---
"Well maybe, if you weren't so fat, you wouldn't have fallen into that pit trap like I managed not to." *Gets backhanded*
---
"I'll take care of this hill giant, you 4 get rid of the other one!" (Last Words)
---
DM: "So now Aust is dead. What's going to happen?"
Kheldar: "We'll put him in my cart. I'll just mark on my inventory... 'One Dead Aust.' There."
---
Guard: "We've got to perform a routine check of your cart, to make sure that there's nothing you're smuggling in here."
Kheldar: "Well, I sure won't stop you. **Oh no! What if they find the dead Aust in the back?**"
Guard: "Okay, you're all clear."
Amy (Ranger): "But what about the dead el--"
Kheldar: "**Quiet, you!**"
Guard: "What was that?"
Kheldar: "Oh, nothing. My friend here is quite... insane, sir. She randomly blurts out random stuff."
Guard: "I see. Carry on, then."
---
Senthos (Psyker): "So, how much for the ship?"
Guy: "10,000 credits."
Senthos: "I see." *Looks in wallet* "Hey, any of you got 10 grand here?"
Tom (Space Marine): "...No, but I have an IMPERIAL CREDIT CARD!"
Senthos: "... Dude, that's a local Eftpos card. We aren't even on the right planet for that card."
Aphikiel (Sister of Battle, turned Psyker): "I shall make my hands catch fire. Then I will grab the guy. Then I will burn him."
Senthos: "Oh dear. Terribly sorry about all this!"
---
"So... this metal beam here is all that is keeping this building from collapsing? I shall see if I can remove the beam and replace it before the building collapses."
---
"I am going to melt the platinum altar down, and put it into my bag to sell later."
---


Hm... I'm sure I've got more than that in memory... Ah well.

Abd al-Azrad
2006-03-16, 03:57 AM
I like the whole, "One Dead Aust" one very much.

---

DM: Okay, you find the guy who knows about those sorts of things... he's an elf... he's wearing a... shirt... kinda long hair.

- Our DM after a particularly long day.

bosssmiley
2006-03-16, 06:21 AM
"... And the halfling goes berserk. Everyone make fear checks."

^--- Pure OOTS! ;D

Jerthanis
2006-03-16, 07:00 AM
"conscience makes cowards of us all..."

that's all I can think of right now.

Wih
2006-03-16, 08:13 AM
Dear gods, most of these are brilliant. *steals them*

....don't mind me.

YOINK.

tgva8889
2006-03-16, 08:44 AM
"I drink the bottle labeled 'poison' on the off-chance that it's the extra-healing potion!"

"But my character was TRYING to go out in a blaze of glory!"

Leadfeather
2006-03-16, 10:16 AM
DM: You hear a loud splash off to your right.

Player: Does the splash sound threatening?

Ratatosk
2006-03-16, 10:32 AM
Player, to an NPC: "You know too much - and you know it!"
----
DM: "You open the coffin... the stench is DEAFENING!"
----
Player (threatening an NPC): "I'm going to be watching your ass... and I know you'll be watching mine!"
----
NPC High Priest: "Before you embark on this perilous adventure, I shall give all of you my God's blessing!"
Player (unable to stop herself): "Do you really have enough Blessings...?"
NPC High Priest: "..."

Catch
2006-03-16, 10:36 AM
My group has a few running jokes.
---
DM: A mostrous tentacled creature attacks the side of your boat; it has three eyes and fishlike body.
Party: Okay, so it's an aboleth.
Me: What's an aboleth doing on way the hell out here?
Party: I guess they're pretty common.
Me: So an aboleth walks into a bar...

---
*party captures a hobgoblin*

Wizard: Tie him up!
Dwarf: Nah, my rhino can just sit on him.
Wizard: Sit on him!? You'll crush him!
Dwarf: Betty can be gentle...
---

Fighter with a Fullblade: Big swords are NOT compensation.

---

"No more amputations" (Don't ask about this one)

---

Me: A female with +30 to diplomacy means never having to say you're sorry.

---

Dwarf: Okay, the fighter's a little too drunk, and there's no more room in the inn. My rhino takes him out to the stable and sits on him 'till he sobers up.
DM: During the night, you two *gestures to the wizard and ranger* have some company. You wake up feeling a little winded. *gestures to the fighter* You wake up with a sore bum.

Aenerb
2006-03-16, 12:07 PM
This one needs a little backstory: I, Dorbin, am the party barbarian. I collect the heads of those I kill to fasten onto my armor. It's my characters thing. So we managed to kill a named kobold, and I took his head mostly because I had sworn to him that I would if he crossed us again... The DM had forgotten about this. The kobolds had become the force of this dungeon as we had killed the Orc champion early on.

<hideous> is Hideous Dinn, gnomish bard.

*party comes up to a door in the dungeon. Behind the door is what is left of the orcs. They are all wounded*
<hideous> *knocks* Excuse me, can we pass through?
<DM> [orc]What? No!
<hideous> Oh come on, isn't there anything we can do that will allow us safe passage?
<Orc> *thinks* [orc] *laughing* Ok, you bring us the head of the leader of the kobold army. Then we let you pass.
<hideous> *turns to party* Umm, didn't Dorbin kill him and take his head?
<party> Yes.
<hideous> *turns to orcs* Ok, give us 5 minutes. We'll go kill him and bring the head to you.
<DM> [orc] *quizzical expression on the orcs face* Umm, ok...

*Party waits 5 minutes while Hideous gets the head from Dorbin*

<hideous> *knocks again* Ok, here's the head. Let us through now.
<DM> The orcs are thoroughly scared of you now and let you pass. They cower in the corner.

Jibar
2006-03-16, 12:52 PM
Just a wee something we came up with when discussing prestige classes,
Josh; "A dwarven defender can stop anything in defensive stance!"
Seth; "Silver dragon charges at them?"
Me; "Easy. defensive stance! The dragon boucnes off."
Sam; "Horde of charging silver dragons?"
Me; "Too easy. defensive stance."
Josh; "Okay then...how about..."
Seth; "Bahamut?"
Sam; "Isn't he the god of dragons?"
Me; "Guess we'll need two dwarves then."

valadil
2006-03-16, 01:05 PM
I've seen way too many players botch their heal checks and give another player a "tourniquet to the neck."

Ratatosk
2006-03-16, 01:23 PM
“You don’t use diplomacy to seduce someone, you use bluff stupid.”

Surely this is dependant on circumstances?

"In order to secure our claims to the realm, we need to conceive an heir. (Diplomacy)

"I've never felt like this before... not for anyone!" (Bluff)

"Nothing can happen if we do it standing up!" (Bluff Stupid)

Xanosect
2006-03-16, 02:07 PM
Barbarian: "I grab a nearby blunt object and throw it at the skeletons"
DM: "You're in a field, their aren't blunt objects laying around."
Barbarian: "Theirs a cleric next to me. Do thrown clerics do extra damage to undead?"

Cleric: "Damn it, the average kindegarden class has more intelligence than we do."
Barbarian "But not as much firepower"

three sessions into a game where the DM always threw the most challenging thing for our level at us.

DM: "Up ahead on the road you can see three men standing there waiting for you."
Fighter: "Don't be fooled, their bears."

Samurai who's intelligent armor just walked away with him. "You'd be in so much trouble now if I were in control of my body."

City Guard feeling out numbered. "BACKUP"
Samurai: "Does he back up?"
Everyone else: "Not that kind of Backup!"

"Do you have control, because I don't think I"m ever going to get it."

DM: "Roll a will save against your own death effect." *wonders of spell turning

Navel combat
DM: "Make an attack with your dingy."

"Wow we have a 50/50 gender ratio"
"Quick, shut the door!"

Parallax
2006-03-16, 02:27 PM
Overheard in a gaming store:
"You're a half-dragon half-fiend half-giant half-what?! Exactly how many species stuck their beeeep in your mom?"

JimmyDPawn
2006-03-16, 02:57 PM
The two most common phrases in my games...

1)"You do what? No, a dragon jumps out and eats you."
I say that far too often



2)"I cast fear on the ranger."
This one, has been repeated numerous times by the party sorcer, who has a short temper for stupidity, and has to deal with another not-so-great player.

Maxymiuk
2006-03-16, 03:12 PM
Spoken by my character (a ranger with a horse companion) to another PC, who's a bit of a sex fiend, in an otherwise all-female party.


Beren: Now... Ryan, is it? I may not know a lot about people, but I do know how things work with horses. See, every now and again there's this young colt running up and down the field, bothering the mares, and making a general nuisance of itself. And you know what the solution is? *Ryan shakes his head* *Beren pulls out and starts sharpening a gelding knife* *Ryan's eyes go wide* Now, horses are just animals. They can't help but follow their impulses. I'd like to believe humans are different - their mind can override their body. Do you think I'm right in this, Ryan?

Thistle
2006-03-16, 06:12 PM
The players are at the palace of the godess of death. They get stopped by a small girl who insists they go away.

Player 1: Ok, none of us have any diplomacy or bluff. What do we do?
Player 2: Why don't we jump her.
Player 1: Ok [rolls natural 20]
Dm: Umm... ok you pin her.
Player1: Alright!
DM: Then she smiles and her eyes start to glow.
Player 1: I get off! I get off!

Tyas
2006-03-16, 07:54 PM
I am not mean, cruel, hearless or sadistic. I am evil, and there is a distinct difference.

(and there's a distinct story behind that... but that would spoil the flow of the thread.)

RoboticSheeple
2006-03-16, 08:25 PM
Sorc: Scorcing Ray!
DM: do you take the - 4 to hit so that you don't hit Og (the Barbarian, already into melee)?
Sorc: ummm, hell no.
*Rolls*
Sorc: woops
DM: (laughs) You incinterate Og in a flash of red light. And get (checks table) #### XP for incinerating one Barbarian.
My CE halfing: Excellent, there may be hope for you yet young one...

This made the 2nd Party member *killed*, the first was assassinated by my Halfing. The other party memebers in this campaign that had been lost were due to other reasons such as...

"Where's the bard?"
"We are letting her sleep it off, you know, all that beer from the last town..."
"But we haven't been in town in 3 days!"

Jaina
2006-03-17, 12:27 PM
Not so much a quote but a situation that still makes me grin broadly every time I think of it...

We returned from a fierce battle with a band of orks somewhere in northern Faerun and reached a small town in which we chose to spend the night.
Gideon, the leader of our party, had been made about 8 feet tall by our mage, so that he could pose as an orog when we had tricked our way into the ork camp. Unfortunately the mage had omitted to mention that he didn't know how to reverse that spell, which left poor Gideon feeling quite awkward and uneasy. *:-[
So when it came to the point of deciding who of us should knock at the gate and ask for shelter (usually his task), he stopped and looked around to the aforementioned mage, who happened to be a half-drow, then the ranger, who was a half-ork. Deciding that both of them would hardly be considered trustworthy, he turned to Tjalf, a local barbarian (NPC) who had helped us in the fight.
"Well, Tjalf, since these are your people..."
"Nope, they ain't. We raided their town last year." *::)

So in the end Rhona, my poor rogue, ended up booking beds and food at the local inn for 4 grown men who looked totally embarrassed to be there...

That's what makes roleplaying great! ;D

sniffles
2006-03-17, 03:28 PM
In a post-apocalyptic d20 Modern campaign, the GM instituted a rule that a 1 on attack rolls or skill rolls using technology meant that the equipment malfunctioned, due to it having been improperly maintained since the collapse of civilization. This pretty quickly expanded from just guns jamming and heads falling off axes to other things:

GM: Roll a Spot check.
Player: I rolled a 1. My eyes break!!

Now whenever anyone rolls a 1 in any game involving this group, we exclaim, "My (insert appropriate thing here) breaks!"
;D

DeathQuaker
2006-03-17, 05:17 PM
"No! Not Blackleaf!"

(Sorry. I'll be over here. ;) )

luffy316
2006-04-15, 01:41 PM
Quick review of the cast;
Lupus, human thief/fighter. Greedy, cocky, and hates the team druid

Ecko, half-elf druid/monk. The only slightly moral (and youngest) player, which makes him picked on a lot.

Balthas Giggleberry, half-orc bard/fighter. Very self-absorbed and CN to the letter.

Urith, drow mage/monk. Neutral in terms of the party, but likes to raise trouble.

Cutthroat Bill, ogre barbarian. An NPC murderer/rapist/cannibal that Balthas freed on a whim. Apparently a favorite among the party

Andy: elf priest. An NPC and very neutral

Me, DM.


The group sails out to sea in two vessels; Ecko's magical ship manned by the undead, and the local Baron's legitimately obtained boat. Lupus rides the "human" ship

Lupus: What's the name of this boat anyway?
Captain: Um, the Sea Saint, sir.
Lupus: Are you kidding me!? That sucks! We need a bitchin name that'll strike fear in our enemies! Something that says "We f*** up undead"
Me: Dave, that's what we call 'necrophelia'
Dave: PERFECT! I try and paint "The Necrophelia" on the side of the boat!


Balthas: Hey, remember that Scroll of Enlargement I found?
Me: Yeaaaaa...
Balthas: Can I use it on objects too?
Me: Yea, I guess
Balthas: Sweet! I use it on my cannon and fire on Lupus' boat


Me: Do you even know what an illithid IS?
Lupus: I know what BACKSTAB means, and that's all I need to know


Lupus and Ecko are forced to head down a path together, finding two sets of shoes before a long path of lava. They realize they'll need to wear them to cross

Lupus: Okay, we obviously have to wear these. I take the green ones
Ecko: I get the leather ones
Me: Okay, Lupus, you start tap-dancing uncontrollably.
Lupus: Um... I meant to do this. I start tapdancing towards the lava. See, I call this move the 'California Hotfoot'


Sage: What you have here, son, is a Sword of Wishing
Lupus: I laugh maniacally and start drooling


The group faces an illusion of Satan, which Ecko attacks heartily. Balthas suspects it to be a fake (seeing as it is guarding a random trap door)
Balthas: I'll sit back and watch Ecko kill Satan
Me: That had BETTER be the last time i hear that in this game!

Lupus, looking me dead in the eye and speaking a loud, clear voice: I WISH ECKO WAS DEAD!

Lupus spends his three wishes thusly; wishes he can never die, wishes Ecko would die. After a frustrating series of rolls, he unwittingly snaps "I wish I was dead!"

Me: Lupus, you drop dead on the spot.
Lupus: WHAT?! I wished I could never die!
Me: Yea, but this wish trumps... um... wait... unless you... okay, Death himself shows up for negotiations



Urith: I make a Phantasmal Force of a huge wolf and send it to attack them.
Me: Your TEAMMATES?
Urith: They have to learn to stop waking me up this late at night


Balthas: I hurl the halfling at Lupus!
Lupus: I try to dodge!
*rolls
Me: HA! Lupus, you parry the halfling. I don't mean you stop him in midair, I mean you backhand the guy, sending him flying straight back at Balthas like a volleyball


Balthas (after getting hit by a "stink bomb" trap): Okay, whoever made this dungeon is no trap master. We obviously are dealing with a necromancer of 'Home Alone' quality, at best


Balthas: I shove my decapitated junk at the priest and scream "HELP MEEEEEE!"


Ecko: I got a one on my constitution check. I'm poisoned, right?
Me: Hell, Marcus, you have cancer


When Andy leaves the team, they replace him with a dark elf priestess of the god of suffering. Accompanied by her and Cutthroat Bill, they wander into an enchanted woods and find a pool occupied by nymphs.

Me: The nymphs peek out of the water, see Bill, then duck back down into the water in a hurry.
Balthas: Son of a... okay, Bill, hide in the woods, okay?
*Bill grumbles and walks off. The process is repeated, only this time with the priestess. She leaves into the woods too

After asking for directions from the creatures (and Lupus getting briefly brainwashed by a Charm spell), they go back into the woods to find their NPCs. They find both characters covered in blood, the priestess barely standing while Bill is thoroughly gutted.

Ecko: Oh, god, Bill tried to rape her...
(A very logical thought)
Me (oog): No, Marcus, she tried to rape Bill. The 90 pound dark elf tried to rape the ogre! [enter my giant, half-pirate/half-irish ogre voice] NOT LIKE THIIIIS! I'm saving myself!!


Balthas first springs Bill from jail, the two of them fleeing town. I am trying to insist just how dangerous and evil Bill is, as a convicted rapist/killer.

Me: You two run through town, the other escaped prisoners causing too much chaos for there to be much resistance.


The group is on trial, even though none of them did anything genuinely wrong besides Lupus (who is already fleeing town and leaving them behind). The local fortune teller claims he knows the real culprit and shows a magical image of Lupus

Urith: Now, just a minute! That man is a saint! The only thing he's ever stolen in his entire life..... is my heart!


Me: You hit the orc annnnnnd...
*roll
Me: Oof... wow... he um... he goes down and never gets up again.


Balthas: I confess, I did it all. The robbery, the killings, the stuff that I would have to be in two places at once to do, all of it.


Me: The battle's over then. Ecko's doing alright, but Lupus... well, you're standing in the center of the room, surrounded by goblin corpses, a mind-flayer impaled on your spear from a backstab, covered in your own and your enemies' blood, roaring apparently. This is like the perfect image to identify Lupus.
Lupus: Actually, no, because I'm not threatening my loved ones or allies... so i start shoving my spear in Ecko's face with the mindflayer still on it.



Illusion of Male Mage: I really do think we ought to practice more, dear
Illusion of Female Mage: Yes, but we don't exist, dear


Andy is driven mad by the stare of an Umber Hulk, making him attack Ecko and gnaw on his ankle. Balthas manages to use his bardic spells to fix him.
Andy (lying on his back quietly): ...what happened and why do I taste half-elf?


Me: You see Bill outside in the fort's main grounds. He has a pile of bodies on one side of him, and a pile of stolen rations on his other side. He's eating from both indiscriminately


Balthas throws a card from his Deck of Illusions near a huge cauldrun in the goblin kitchen as the others fight off a small troop. I put a spin on what they summon.
Me: Out of the pot appears a 9 foot, ugly green creature. It's a troll, wearing a swim cap and a speedo and looking very wet and angry

The_Ferg
2006-04-15, 03:00 PM
When about to die: "I can take 'em."
When rescued from the brink of being killed: "But I had him right where I wanted him!"
When you need to be resurrected: "I gurgle convincingly."
When things are going VERY badly: "Time to skidattle."

roadkiller
2006-04-15, 03:32 PM
"Hail fellow travelers of the Deep!"
Or more accurately
"Hail fellow trav--*takes 1d6 from an arrow* OW!"
or
"Hail fellow travelers of the D--*takes 1d6 from a bolt* ARG!"

He managed to finish that sentence about 1/10th of the time.
--
"Don't worry, I swept this place for traps yesterday."
--
6 INT half-orc- You have pies? Pies for lunch?
Waitress- Errm we have shepards pie.
Half-orc- I don't eat shepards.

Soniku
2006-04-15, 06:35 PM
and some words of un-wisdom from our stupid dwarf:

"I knock on the inn room door with my battlehammer!"


guess who got arrested

Townsfolk
2006-04-15, 10:58 PM
To a drunken vagrant on the bus:

"I have a taser. *That's kind of like drugs. *It makes you twitch and pass out..."

Magnus_Samma
2006-04-16, 01:27 AM
Cast of Characters:
Niklaus Jaeger- Noble goblin killing ranger, played by Gelgameth.
Reenan Varseid- Incognito psion, played by December.
Jennea Fletcher- Unsnobbish paladin, played by Snowfox.
Reid Min- Grumpy crossbow hating cleric, played by December's sibling.
Rok Sarinsach- Mute barbarian, played by Emerald.
Dungeonmaster and everyone else- The Magsmaster.

Buck: you're off your nut, the Black King got spanked by a frickin' archangel... what was it... three hundred years ago?
Jennea: (Ooh, SNAP)

Buck: ... they let ladies run around with swords nowadays?
Chuck: ... don't make me hit you with my beer mug, Buck.

* Jennea laughs outright. "I assure you, sir, I don't run with this thing. Wouldn't want to put an eye out."

Niklaus: Now.. If you will excuse me I was rather enjoying this pint of ale here..

Chuck: They're an awful nice bunch, considerin' they worship the god o' death and all...
Jennea: ...Pardon?

* Niklaus likes this pint. He's going to savor it. May well be his last pleasant experience of the day.

Niklaus: (Goblins. They smell bad. Real bad. And they breed like rats)
MagsMaster: (literally)
Jennea: (eekeekeek)

Niklaus: Keep an eye out now.. if Goblins are going to attack anywhere.. it'll be here..
MagsMaster: (*whistles innocently*)

* Reid comes into view of the group from a bend in the road. A closer view shows a panicked run, and a man fumbling with a crossbow. His lips flap at the same time as if praying.
Reenan: (.... "Hit him!")

Jennea: Do you -really- want to say that to someone bearing a weapon nearly larger than you are?

Goblin: ...right, be that way. Larry, Larry, and Larry? Kick their asses.

MagsMaster: (math is hard ;_;)
Jennea: (Let's eat strawberry icecream instead!)

* Niklaus changes his target to Larry.. err.. no, the other Larry

* Niklaus looses his arrow with great calm... (base roll 18.. +2 for favored enemy, +5 for being so damn good.. so 25)

Jennea: (18 with mods)
MagsMaster: (roll teh damage)
Jennea: (10 total XD)
Reenan: (Beautiful!)
Jennea: (Jen SMASH)

MagsMaster: (Your turn, Santa Klaus.)
Jennea: (*sits on Santa Klaus's lap?)
Jennea: (I've been a really good girl this year, and I want an even BIGGER sword! *shinyhappysmile*)
Niklaus: ("Well, lil' girl, I'll see what I can do for yah... Just come on back into my workshop with me")
Jennea: (*follows trustingly*)

* Niklaus stands up for a better angle and looses an arrow to shoot the Goblin away from Reenan- (rolled a 1! ****!)
Reenan: (NO! I'M CONTAGIOUS! O____o)

* Reenan takes another stab at the one standing goblin with his spear. (Unmodded 20!)
Niklaus: (*watches the Goblin explode!*)

MagsMaster: *The other wolf rushes Reenan and gets in a lucky shot through his studded leather, slashing his stomach with its teeth. (7 damage)*
Reenan: ('s not studded. XD)
MagsMaster: (it isn't? damn. well, you still get hurt)
Reenan: (Thank you, mister Dungeonmaster!)
Jennea: (Mmmmm... dungeonmaster.)
MagsMaster: (I remember what's important! XD)

Niklaus: (So I'm guessing my fantastic roll was a miss?)
* Niklaus seems to be a little tipsy all of a sudden or something

MagsMaster: (you're dying)
Reid: (YEAH!!!!...I mean boooo...yeah..)

MagsMaster: (*The wolf starts to eat him*)
Jennea: (...Ewwwwwwwwwww.)
Reenan: (AAAH! NO!)
Reid: (*walks away* Meh natural order of things.)

* Niklaus grits his teeth and tries AGAIN to kill the damn thing (...5+5+1)
Reenan: (And again, children, we see the workings of Karma against Gelg. XD)
MagsMaster: *The arrow... uh, grazes the Wolf's fur a little bit.*

MagsMaster: (Reid, for God's sake save his life)
MagsMaster: (you know, if you want)
Reid: (he's still breathing though)

* Reid gasps at Reenan's fall, and quickly starts chanting weaving around any possible attacks from the wolf. Stops, and stares at his hands. "What was that word again?" (done ;_;, casting defensively failed)
Reenan: (Oh God. I hurt. XD)

Jennea: (... Oh dear GOD. 16 damage. This is why you get a priest to bless your dice.)
Reenan: (O___o)
Niklaus: (*Wolf explodes*)

* Niklaus had kind of hoped to heal one of the wolves and tame it.. but well.. Opportunity doesn't seem quite there
Niklaus: (Way I've been rolling though I'd kill it by touching it anyway)

* Reid watchs Nik's go with his first-aid."You know...he has lost a lot of blood. Maybe. I should step in you know. Uummm...he doesn't look too well."
* Jennea quietly wonders if the man is quite all there mentally. Their fallen companion has BIG FREAKING HOLES in him. He most assuredly is not 'too well'.

Jennea: (Klaus is on the wagon again!)

Chuck: alrighty then. Unless someone wants to loot the bodies, we're gone.
Reid: (just sat down, I don't want to loot now ><)

MagsMaster: (you all get 225 exp. points. you learn "strike badass pose"! and "miss by a country mile" attack!)

Snowfox: "My place as a woman is here. My sword's place is in your ass. Any questions?"

Jennea: (What would you do to a drunken ranger, what would you do to a drunken ranger, what would you do to a drunken ranger, EARLY in the MOR-nin...)

Magsmaster: (don't worry Emmy, if you push me, I get to kill you with monstrous centipedes :D)
Rok_Sarinsach: [but I don't like monstrous centipedes! ;_;]
Magsmaster: (I know.)

Jennea: (Mags, for DnD I will have your babies.)

Reid: (bah, bro's comp froze ><)
Magsmaster: (...Satan is doing this)

Reid: (in the process of exorcising his comp now)
Magsmaster: (Begone, foul demon of the netherworld!)
Jennea: (*does exorcizing booty dance*)
Magsmaster: (The power of ass compells you!)

Magsmaster: (okay, if I start now, will everyone be with me?)
Reenan: (Hopefully. *clings to... soemthing.*)
Rok_Sarinsach: [ow]

Niklaus: Anything else we need to know before taking this challenge?
Nora: "You aren't afraid of the dark, are you dear?"

Niklaus: (...For some reason I thought you said Reid looked aroused.)

Magsmaster: (tell me when he's on the bridge)
* Rok_Sarinsach steps onto the bridge...
Magsmaster: (...go a little further XD)
Reenan: (Oh God. XD)
Rok_Sarinsach: [oh yes]
Jennea: (Oh man XD)

Blackguard: "Oh, excuse me! So they sent a stupid person who can't talk. That makes EVERYTHING better."

* Rok_Sarinsach shakes the book at him

* Rok_Sarinsach goes a ways off, toward the next chamber, sensing this challenge drawing to a close
Magsmaster: (*Rok is ambushed an raped by a stonespike golem*)
Rok_Sarinsach: [you ****.]
Jennea: (No, I believe the golem has the **** here.)

* Jennea grins, then looks down at her little rock. "I like this rock. I think I'll keep it."

Niklaus: What the devil...
Magsmaster: (Lucifer: "Hey!")

Magsmaster: (oh, what the ****, he's mute anyway)

Jennea: (Mags killed the internet.)
Magsmaster: (it deserved it!)

Jennea: (...Found the name for the rock! "Loverboy")

Jennea: (Jen SMASH internet. With oar.)
Magsmaster: (where'd she get an oar?)
Jennea: (She made one.)
Magsmaster: (cool)
Jennea: (A rock oar. With Loverboy strapped to the edge.)
Reenan: (Cause he lives on the edge. HOOYAH!)
Jennea: (I with my psychically-controlled rock will mildly annoy you! *ping!*)

* Reid wishes he was wearing underwear.

* Rok_Sarinasch eventually finds someone, and hands them the blanket
* Reid accepts the blanket. "Um...thanks. Now if you could build me a house to keep the wind away, that would be great." Wraps the blanket around himself.
Reid: (Oh. Your not getting it back.)
Rok_Sarinasch: [:(]
Reenan: (jacked. Haha!)

Rok_Sarinasch: [he lifted my blanket, that bastard!]
Magnus: (I'm make sure he's raped in prison)
Rok_Sarinasch: [Bubba: CR 25]
Magnus: ("I hear clerics of Argen like to play with their swords...")

Niklaus: Does anybody have some wood for fire?
Reid: Yeah, I convently carry a forest in my back pocket. Let me get it.

* Jennea , in a bit of amused pique, casually reaches over and sneaks her ice-cold gauntlet up Reid's clothing.

* Reenan follows the others...
* Jennea also follows.
Jennea: (Ducklings)
Reid: (waddles behind the group, and starts quacking)
Jennea: (Rok's the mama duck)

Magnus: *assuming they keep going, they eventually arrive at another statue... this one rather skillfully carved to resemble a giant, nude figure hefting a javelin, the tip of which is glowing*
Jennea: (Male or female nude?)
Magnus: (male)
Jennea: (*nod*)
Reid: (instantly loses a chubby)

Jennea: (XD See, this time I didn't make the tasteless joke)
Magnus: *anatomically correct, no less. and stone doesn't have shrinkage problems*
Jennea: (XD No, the DM beat me to it.)

* Reid looks at the door, he bolts towards almost tripping with the first few steps. Trampling anyone that gets in his path. "Move. Too many things I can't feel anymore."
Jennea: ("And I have SHRINKAGE, for Argen's sake!")

Giant: "Reid... are you wearing... underwear!?"
Reenan: (Mags, you ass. XD)
* Reid looks around at his companions, then back at the statue. "No." His face starts turning red as he shifts nervously.
* Jennea blinks and takes a quick step away from Reid. No WONDER he'd reacted so badly to her prank.
Rok_Sarinasch: [wash the gauntlet]

Jennea: (I'll have you know Jen is a pure unsullied flower of kick-yo-ass womanhood)

Giant: "Have you ever seen a grown man naked?"

Giant: "AND AS FOR YOU..."
Rok_Sarinasch: O_O
* Rok_Sarinasch fumbles for his book
Giant: "...you're MUTE. And it's DARK in here. Just go on through, don't waste my time."

Magnus: *He stomps off, grumbling under his breath about his frozen giblets*

(*after a giant repeatedly asks Reenan about his opinion on male nudity*)
Reid: "Yeah, now I know better than to walk in front of Reenan." Makes his way to the other door.
Jennea: (...OMG XDXD)
Niklaus: (OMG, HE WENT THERE)
Reid: (BAM)

Niklaus: (I'm not sure Klaus wears undies either!)
Jennea: (:O)
Niklaus: (These are the middle ages)
Jennea: ("Savages. I'm traveling with SAVAGES.")

* Reenan SORTA wears underwear!
Jennea: (When he's not chasing after naked men.)

Magnus: (I think ancient Egypt had underwear)
Niklaus: (Did they? XD)
Jennea: (Made of papyrus)

Orranel: "Criminy, you people act like you've never seen a lammasu before."
Jennea: ...I haven't...
* Reenan shakes his head slightly. ".... Truth be told... I haven't..."
* Reid shakes his head. "I've heard stories..."
Niklaus: Never had the opportunity before, I'm afraid..
Orranel "...oh. Well."

Orranel: "... that's interesting..."
Rok_Sarinasch: [why yes, he doesn't wear undies.]

Orranel: "Have you encountered... goblins recently?"
Rok_Sarinasch: [they owed me money!]

Jennea: (Yay for apocalyptic prophecies!)

* Jennea smiles back, then rises. "Shall we?"
* Reid rises slowly. Nods to the lammasu. "I guess we shall."
* Jennea mutters "And we can find you some underwear too, Mr. Man."

Rok_Sarinasch: [oh, and gimme back my blanket!]
Rok_Sarinasch: [glaring at Reid]
Jennea: (He needs it to make underwear)

Magnus: *She opens the door across from the one they just entered and leads them down the hallway to another set of doors, which open into a large room with a few small but fomrotable-lookinh cots*
Rok_Sarinasch: ....
Magnus: (comfortable-looking, oh my god)

Magnus: (and unless you guys want to roleplay going to bed... with Reid naked...)
Reid: (YEAH!!!)

* Jennea strips down to her chemise and underbreeches, much more comfortable in the company of women. Women with UNDERWEAR.

Magnus: (for the record, I was tempted to have Nora offer to spoon. just thought I'd share)

Jennea: (Welcome to the wonderful world of girl talk XD)
Magnus: (I'm learning SO MUCH XD)

Snowfox: And remember--you make the barbarian pee, you mop up the barbarian pee.

Imrix.
2006-04-16, 12:52 PM
"Gimli’s Law- No matter how big the creature, and no matter many creatures it takes with it, it still only counts as one kill."

Ab-so-lut-ly brilliant in and of itself. The rest are just... Wow.

Gazzie
2006-04-16, 05:51 PM
ok, so i'm playing a rogue in a short game being DMed by my brother. It's a solo mission to steal a mask. simple right? well the best quote ever came out of it.
I, being a new gamer at that point (and at this point still), was doing pretty well, evading guards, killing the ones i couldn't.
there came to a point where i had killed a guard & my bro said what do you want to do next and i said:
"i want to fence the body."
I meant to say something like "loot the body" but it came out wrong. my brother still laughs at that one line.

Maxymiuk
2006-04-16, 06:44 PM
After more than half the party developed various psychological problems due to assorted deaths of NPC/PC friends/lovers, the release of hordes of undead into the world, etc.

Imey (resident elven sorceress. partially responsible for said undead hordes): "Everyone is going crazy, and I don't know what to do."
Beren (Myself, a human ranger, newest character in the group, and as such the only one unaffected by the recent events - I don't know anyone well enough to care): *thinks for a moment* "Kittens!"
Imey: *blinks*
Beren: "Everyone loves kittens! Great for stress relief."

[some time later, after Ivy, the group's rogue develops suicidal tendencies]

Imey: *looks at Beren* "We're going to need more kittens."

BelkarsDagger
2006-04-16, 07:11 PM
I'm new to Roleplaying, and I don't play DnD, so I only have a couple good ones. These are all actual quotes from my group.

"If a moron dies alone in the woods, does anyone hear his cry?"

"Hope is the first step on the road to getting your ass kicked."

"Me fighter you wizard"

"Whaddaya mean I gotta be level 15 to cast that?? Oops that was supposed to be in OOC."

Magnus_Samma
2006-04-18, 12:18 PM
Had to take a few minutes to edit these... my group has really foul mouths. XD

PCs:
Gelgameth plays Niklaus: Self-reliant ranger. Inept with a bow due to bad luck with dice. Or alcohol.
Snowfox plays Jennea: Paladin slowly losing patience due to repeated gropings from Reid or random NPCs.
December plays Reenan: Mysterious psion. May be gay.
Teh Sib plays Reid: If Garfield were a cleric...
Emerald plays Rok: Mute barbarian.
Magnus plays the Magsmaster: DM and generally evil man.

Important NPCS:
Nora: Cleric of Narris. Has a thing for Niklaus.
Simeon: Aged priest of Argen.
Chuck: Courier with a wagon.
Runk: Fast-talking goblin highwayman.
Vitas: Random silver dragon.
The gnome: Seeks a woman capable of bearing his enormous children.
Selanius Rumb: Crotchety scholar hermit.

Guests:
Wolf: Interested in joining the game. Namesake for Steve the wolf.
Zaphkiel: Naked golden archangel who slays all who look upon her. Considered joining the game as a manly man.

* Magnus changes topic to 'Now the test has been passed, but what could possibly await our heroes the morning after? Will Reenan and Niklaus wake up in bed together!? Gaaaay...'

Magnus: I AM FILLED WITH RIGHTEOUS FURY
Magnus: ARE YOU PREPARED FOR MY CHALLENGE!?
Niklaus: *arrow!*
Magnus: !
* Magnus dies
Jennea: Dammit! Now we have to raise him.

Magnus: Niklaus wants to put his arrow into me o_O
Reenan: Kinky.
Niklaus: ...That metaphor doesn't work very well
Reenan: Howso?
Magnus: wangs aren't ranged weapons

Magnus: I'm thinking of adding a few more details to the Arthanelassian pantheon, like animal totems
Niklaus: Oho?
Magnus: not sure about what gods will have which ones yet... Zarathorn's is the centipede
Niklaus: ... HEH
Jennea: Not the rubber duckie?
Magnus: no, that's Narris'

Rok_Sarinasch: And I always misspell Arthanelas
Magnus: that's right, actually

* Magnus almost feels bad for giving his campaign such a difficult name :/
Niklaus: Don't
Niklaus: It's great XD
Rok_Sarinasch: It's cool
Niklaus: Just takes a little time to remember
Jennea: Nun ov uhs speel gud

Niklaus: me am arrow

Jennea: (There was much girltalk, but alas, no lesboerotic overtones)

Rok_Sarinasch: [quick, jen, put your top on, he's back!]

* Reid slams his fist down wherever the moving is coming from, and goes back to sleep.

Jennea: ("Alright kids, who wants to handle a real live centipede? *Klaus starts a nature demonstration*")

Nora: "Well, when exotic animals start showing up at a temple, there's usually a reason."
Magsmaster: *Jen hears her mutter something that sounds like "He always had a sick sense of humor."*

* Jennea shudders. "If it's an omen, I really wish it'd have showed up in a respectable manner."

Jennea: *considers self as centipede sex object*
Jennea: Oh GODS.

Niklaus: (this reminds me of Chris talking about the centipedes in his girlfriend's hooha)

Magsmaster: *the boys hear light knock-knock-knocking on the kitchen doooooor!*
Jennea: (Quoth the paladin, Nevermore)

Magsmaster: (... he wrote a frowny face?)
Rok_Sarinasch: [YES.]

Magsmaster: (see, this is where text fails, because I'm actually sitting here visibly trying to think of something to say, and repeatedly failing)

Nora: "He's fine! Or he will be! Just let me see it you stubborn old goat, if I can heal a broken bone I can heal a little bite...'"
Simeon: It hurts pretty bad for a little bite...
Nora: That's the venom, just hold still...
Simeon: VENOM!?

Niklaus: (Er, he said something of a dark prophecy, right? nothing about death by bug and whatnot, right?...)

Jennea: *sigh* I hope she got enough sleep last night.
Niklaus: ...
Jennea: I kept her up pretty late. *worried look*
Simeon: ...
Niklaus: ....!?!
Jennea: *sigh*
* Niklaus eyes Jen
Reid: Way to go.
Jennea: ...What?
Jennea: -What-?!
Jennea: We talked. TALKED.
Jennea: You people have -filthy- minds. *stalks off to find some food*

Wolf: (Hey. After Tenchu I need to see some REAL gaming.)
Magsmaster: (I dunno, you might make these guys self-conscious...)
Reenan: (Pffft.)
Jennea: (Quick, clothes back on!)

*Reid points, and frowns to the sack.* You really shouldn't be looting a church
Niklaus: ...oh?
Niklaus: ...Oh.

* Jennea sighs, takes her sack, and follows. It feels so -dirty-...

Reenan: (Better a sack of gold than a sack of sweaty nuts.)
Magsmaster: (words to live by)

Jennea: (And here we see Jen's idea of a seductive garment--anything without armoring of some kind)

Niklaus: (Just imagine, btw, that Klaus is doing a rather good, gruff Viggo Mortinsen impression right now)
Reid: (If he starts dreaming about elves in his sleep...I'm leaving)
Jennea: ("Let's hunt some orc!... Er, goblin. Goblin.")

* Niklaus stops, appraises the horse, and nods approvingly to Reid before hurrying along
Jennea: (Ranger's pet)

* Jennea rolls her eyes at Reid. "Hope he bought underwear."

Magsmaster: (ooh, more than enough. you easily read the tracks heading down the path aways, and then curving towards the wooded area at the edge of town)
Reid: (at least our tracker isn't broken.)
Jennea: (It's too early to be drunk)

* Niklaus says reeeallly quietly…
Niklaus: I think we might be approaching an actual stronghold of some sort… with how much foot traffic there's been here…
Magsmaster: (be wery wery quiet... we'we hunting fow gobwins)
Jennea: (Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting--Dammit XD)

* Niklaus cautiously pushes some of the shrubbery aside
Magsmaster: *You found a -Tunnel!- Ta da!*
Jennea: (And when theys go in, precious, there's no coming out. She's always hungry...)

Magsmaster: (the cave entrance is just about the right size for a goblin. meaning, a human'd have to crouch or crawl. a horse would have to... uh, have problems)

Magsmaster: (The horses says "Oooooh Wilbur.")
Reid: (*Beats the DM with a wiffle bat.*)

Magsmaster: (uh... there's a thicket nearby)
Magsmaster: (...whatever the hell a thicket is)

* Reid starts chanting, and gesturing. He finishes off by slapping Jen on the ass, as her pants (or skirt) lights up brightly. "Don't need it. Got wonder pants here."

Jennea: (Would lit pants make one's butt look big?)

Jennea: (Wait a minute!)
Jennea: (Why does he need a torch? He lit Jen's pants!)

* Niklaus moves into a better position.. switching his dagger for his longbow and taking aim at the second centipede (7+5+1.. 13 XP)
Magsmaster: *the remaining centipede jerks aside as Nik's arrow grazes its antennae*
Magsmaster: (...seriously, dude, lay off the ale)
Niklaus: (;___;)

Magsmaster: (roll for damage, even though it's moot. let's find out exactly how much carnage has been wrought)
Jennea: (10 dmg)
Magsmaster: *the centipede has a vision of a brightly glowing ass seconds before its head is almost but not quite severed by a vicious swordblow*
Jennea: (At least its last sight was pleasant)

Magsmaster: Reid: *gooses Nik with a light spell*, Nik: *shoots his horse*
Gelgameth: ...noooooo

* Jennea got to use the phrase 'evil ****stick' today ^_^

* Magnus changes topic to 'Can our heroes defeat the goblin horde and rescue Chuck from a horrible fate!? Hint: Probably.'

* Jennea is still Not Happy about being given a glowing ass.

Jennea: Yes, well, when something is as preternaturally lovely as my buttocks, one should expect a bit of a glow from time to time. It's the excess wonderment spilling forth.

*Niklaus attempts to retrieve the arrow that failed to hurt the centipede*
Magsmaster: (...uh, I completely forget about the rules for that. we'll just say it comes out fine ^_^;)
Reenan: (There's a 50% chance it's broken or lost if it missed the target.)
Magsmaster: (hm, I can do that)
Magsmaster: *it comes out easily, but the head has apparently broken off and remains buried*
Magsmaster: (blame Reenan, I just rolled the dice!)
Jennea: (Oh, we'll blame Reenan anyway)

Jennea: (Oh HELL yeah, Jen pwned their ****ing rattish asses)
Jennea: (Lawful good represent)

Goblin #3: "We're gonna die! We're all gonna die! Game over, man, game over!"

* Niklaus looks to Jen, "Battle plans?"
Jennea: (...)
Jennea: (Hold on a sec)
Niklaus: (she is smarter and more charismatic than he is XD)
Jennea: (And her player knows jackall about tactics XD)
Jennea: (Hold on while I google Art of War or something)

Reid: (Could just throw on a menacing face, and throw my arms out to the sides to make myself look big.)
Magsmaster: (yeah, but don't expect it to work against the minotaur in the next room...)
Magsmaster: (...uh, I mean, make your checks)
Magsmaster: (I said nothing)

Niklaus: (err, I rolled a 19 for a total of 20 on my charisma check/intimidate roll)
Magsmaster: *the goblins poop their pants*

Magsmaster: *the goblins immediately drop their weapons and run, screaming, headfirst into the opposite wall with a series of hollow clunks*

Goblin #3: Sweet Garruk! That chick's pants are glowing! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Goblin #2: We'll even give you sexual favors, just don't kill us!
Niklaus: ...that won't be necessary.

Goblin #1: It's Steve! He's gonna save us! Oh, thank the gods for Steve!

Jennea: (Holy crap, Klaus is sober!)
Reenan: (XD)

Magsmaster: *the wolf takes Jen's blow along the side and drops to the ground in a furry heap. it might still be breathing, but shallowly*
Jennea: (No, I don't think Steve will save them.)

Jennea: ...So what did that one say about my glowing pants? I know he said -something-.

Niklaus: *goblin* And for that matter, who is this Kash you were talking about?
Goblin #1: Uh... Kash is in his throne room with Runk and the prisoner.
Goblin #2: He's big! Like, really big. As big as you, even.
Goblin #3: He kicked me in the balls. ;_;

* Niklaus heads for the next room and stuff
* Jennea follows and stuff. Probably the same kind of stuff, but less rangery.
* Reenan follows. Without the stuff.
* Reid just does stuff.
Jennea: (Ahhhhh! Uncategorized stuff! To arms!)

Magsmaster: (basically there are two places in the hallway where you have a choice of stepping on a dark tile or a normal tile)
* Niklaus'll opt for stepping on the NORMAL tiles, thank you very much
Magsmaster: (make a reflex save)

Niklaus: (natural 20, + 6)
Magsmaster: (... dayamn)
Jennea: (Ranger-pwned)
Reid: (just change the DC to 27 XD)
Niklaus: (*arrows Reid*)
Magsmaster: (Reid, that would be dishonest! I'm shocked! simply shocked! *writes that down*)

* Niklaus steps on the DARK tiles then
Magsmaster: (make a reflex save)
Niklaus: (oh fu--)
Magsmaster: (psyche)

Magsmaster: (XD search checks are your friend)
Jennea: (Mags, you are evil. Just evil.)
Magsmaster: (I am the prince of hairy lies.)

Jennea: No need in bursting in like overheated bards caught up in the moment.

* Niklaus opens the door like a boring boring plain old average regular person.

Reid: (everyone’s blessed. Except for the paladin)
Jennea: (Oh, you can bite my non-glowing ass.)

Reid: (Gah. Hate you.)
Jennea: (Why do you hate me? ;_;)
Reid: (Always steal my thoughts. GET OUT OF MY HEAD.)

* Niklaus looses an arrow at this "Kash" fellow
Magsmaster: (he's trying to get sober!)
Niklaus: (... 2 + 5 +2 +1 for about… 10)
Jennea: (When did he get a chance to drink?!)
Reid: (does it when your not looking...SEE JUST THERE)
Jennea: (Dammit, Klaus! We're gonna put you in a 12-step program!)

Magsmaster: (Reid, your go. can you try to be less pathetic, plzkthnx?)

* Jennea yells and dashes forth, swinging at the jerk that hurt her kind-of friend.

Reid: (you’re my favorite dm. Such gore ^^)
Magsmaster: (when she hits the guy for twice his total HP, I figure some blood is appropriate XD)

* Reid nods. "Indeed." He starts chanting, and gestures with his free hand, a blue glow comes from under his scale mail. No doubt where his wound is. He starts giggling like a little school girl, "hehehe it tickles."

Magsmaster: *Chuck and the goblin make "Mmph." noises*

* Reid nods, he pats his side. "This feels better too." Turns to Jen, "I like how you speak dirty to me."
Jennea: ...!
Jennea: *mutters* At least he's not slapping my backside this time.

Runk: I'm very sorry about the other day! It was an innocent mistake! I, uh, mistook you for people who couldn't kick my ass. :D
Niklaus: ...Don't try to lie, you're bad at it.

Jennea: ...You can't beat people into being good!
* Niklaus nods.
Runk: I'll follow the path of good! Oh yeah! I swear! No more eating babies for me!

* Niklaus watches everything.. hf.. heavy animal this.. but it is just an animal, not a monster... he can't have that on his conscience.
Jennea: (Good ranger! *gives rangerbiscuit*)

Runk: Hey, Steve! You jerks, you hurt Steve!

* Jennea stares at Reid for a second. "Your logic does not resemble our terrestrial logic. Pray tell, what plane do you hail from?"

Magsmaster: (Argen expects you to NOT BE AN ASSHAT :D)
Reid: (Argen asks too much ;_;)

* Reid goes off balance expecting more force then was required, and stumbles forwards. Arms flailing with sword and shield. "EEEEEEE!!!!"

Magsmaster: *Reid finds himself standing on the temple's main altar, behind the statues of Argen and Zarathorn*
Jennea: ("Building inspection! This wall is NOT up to code!")
* Niklaus stairs in confusion. . . but… wait… they… and…
Niklaus: (KNOWLEDGE GEOGRAPHY CHECK!!! XD)

Runk: Hey, by goblin standards, I'm a frackin' saint!

December: RARGH!
Magnus: Rar?
December: Yes.
Magnus: woo

Magnus: Alright, did you guys divide up the phat lewt?
Reenan: We had phat lewt?
Jennea: ...Anyone have the lewt list?

Niklaus: OK then… does anybody want the short bow? Because Klaus doesn't
Reenan: I don't. I doubt Reid does. Dunno about Jen *pokes Snow*
Jennea: She -could- use it, but I'd rather have just money and upgrade armor and sword.
Jennea: I mean, Klaus is the bowmeister here.
Magnus: when he's sober *cough*
Niklaus: ;___;
Niklaus: I haven't so much as looked at a mug of ale for a whole… four hours!
Niklaus: ...god, I need a drink. 'scuze me

Jennea: (Right, so she's giving the equivalent of about 205g to the church. Not enough for the wall, I bet :( )
Magsmaster: (ack, don't give them that much XD)
Jennea: (Why not?!)
Magsmaster: (it won't cost them more than 50 some g to hire a mason, 100 tops)
Jennea: (Butbutbut she doesn't need 305g to survive!)
Reid: (give it to cleric ^^)
Jennea: (...Not after that display in the goblin warren, she won't)

* Niklaus 's still curious about the warren leading RIGHT INTO THE CHURCH
Simeon: I knew we should've trimmed those hedges around the back more often...

Magsmaster: *Runk wails piteously as he's dragged off* No! Don't let them lock me up! Please! I can't hold soap! Help meeee...!
* Jennea feels absolutely no pity at all. If he couldn't hold soap, he shouldn't have become a criminal.
Niklaus: (... BEST. COP LINE. EVER)

* Niklaus is a public servant. He considers money he spends money spent for the public good, as long as he does his job.
Masgmaster: (...and Reenan is just greedy)
Reenan: (Yes. Yes he is.)

Reenan: (AH! HE JUST TRIED TO LICK MY CHEEK! O___o;; )
Magnus: (... what... the... heck?)

Magnus: (you two. stop being gay. I will not have gay incest in my DnD game)
Reid: (sorry.)
Magnus: (that's alright. just consider what you're doing next time)
Niklaus: (....*scared*)
Reenan: (HAh. You got told, biatch.)
Magnus: (12, stop being so sexy, you're only encouraging him)
Reenan: (I'll try. ;_;)

Magnus: *Simeon is in the temple's entrance room, watching two female clerics chase a male cleric back and forth with wooden paddles*
Rash: Ah! It hurts! It hurts! Father Simeon, make them stop! Ah! My poor bottom!
Simeon: Should've thought of that before you brought up that thong idea of yours...

* Niklaus has quit IRC (Ping timeout)
Reid: (o.O)
Magnus: (MOTHER&*%$#@!!!)
Reid: (O.O)
Reenan: (AAAHHHHHHH!)
Reid: (Think of the orphans, and their fragile ears.)

Magnus: *Chuck is singing a less than PC song as he drives his wagon up to the temple, but he seems otherwise alright*
Jennea: (The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!)

Simeon: ... they don't have any idea what they're getting into, do they?
Nora: Not a clue.

Reid: (Dear Diary, Jennea keeps giving me googly eyes. Think she is still upset about the pants? They looked really hot on her though. Note to self though, don't turn your back to her. Couldn't handle my nice ass anyway.)
Jennea: (Dear Diary, are these murderous impulses natural? I keep fearing Argen will smite me for wanting to harm one of His priests, but I just can't help imagining Reid as a corpse...")

* Magnus changes topic to 'Another day, another dragon...'
Gelgameth: *reads topic… ... pales*

Snowfox: Mags... Would you REALLY kill us off when we haven't even leveled yet?
Magnus: No XD
Snowfox: Gooooood
Magnus: of course... there are many, MANY things worse than death...
Snowfox: ...
Snowfox: YOU SCARE ME ;_;

Niklaus_Jaeger: (I know, I know… it's hard to resist my sexiness)
Gelgameth: (But you'll have to TRY)

Jennea: (*gets into mischief*)
Magsmaster: (The lawful good alignment just isn't what it used to be :/)
Jennea: (*LAWFUL GOOD mischief*)

Reid: (All I remember is: I have a horse...a horse with no name...)

Jennea: I'm a paladin. 'Suicidal idiot' is in the job description.

Magsmaster: (btw, what sort of armor are they both wearing?)
Jennea: (Banded mail. Badass stuff with an interesting fit around the boobs)
Magsmaster: (... ?)
Jennea: (Well, how do you fit strips of metal around the boobs?)
Magsmaster: (that's a good question)
Jennea: (Like I said. At the very least it'd be... pronounced)
Magsmaster: (depends on what her boobs are shaped like)
Jennea: (I dunno. Like boobs)

Magsmaster: (btw Gelg, we have determined that, much like real world reptiles, dragons probably have two wangs)
Niklaus_Jaeger: (…hrm… But would they really have a mammal like penis?... I mean… cloaca...)

Niklaus_Jaeger: (He'll pick her up and CARRY her if he has to. ... granted, I'm not sure he could carry her and the armor both)
Jennea: (She's BUFF)
Magsmaster: (Jen's the buffest person in the party.)
Reidd: (*points at Jen and screams: TROLL!!!)
Jennea: (*Jen picks him up by the scruff of the neck*)
Jennea: (I guess she's like, solid muscle then. ‘Cept for the boobs.)

Jennea: ...Do you see what I see?
Zaphkiel: ["A star, a star~"]

Niklaus_Jaeger: (with all the equipment, Klaus weighs a good 240 pounds…)
Niklaus_Jaeger: (… just 20 under Jen's max load)
Jennea: (XD)

Gnome: *exclaims something in gnomish and tackles Jennea around the hips, which is about as high as he can reach*
Jennea: OI!

Dragon: ... he says he has quested for years to find a suitable mate, because no woman in his tribe could handle his great virility. He says you have child-bearing hips.

Jennea: ...I don't know what you did, but I will be eternally grateful for it.
Dragon: I told him you were a man.

Jennea: (*Jen scrubs her leg* It won't come off! ;_;)
Magsmaster: (if it makes you feel any better, that's more likely to be fear pee than anything else)

Jennea: (And how the hell is a gnome so virile his children need to be birthed through hips bigger than his head?)
Niklaus_Jaeger: (DON'T THINK ABOUT IT)

*Niklaus and Jennea are confronting a dragon while the others remain out of earshot*
Dragon: Aaahhh, I remember now. You were a little pink thing that cried a lot when I came through here last. Pleasant to meet you, I'm Vitas. *he proffers a huge paw for shaking*
Niklaus_Jaeger: *nods and er.. shakes a claw?*
* Reid leans forward in his saddle..."Looks like Nik is fighting off the dragon...

* Jennea stalks up to the cart, still blushing.
* Reenan turns his eyes to the two approaching the cart... “... What happened over there?”
Jennea: ...
Jennea: *grumblemutter*
Reenan: ... Hm?
Jennea: *growl* *sit*
* Reid lifts an eyebrow. "What?
Jennea: *snaps* That little bugger thought I could 'handle his virility'.

* Jennea dresses and packs, nearly skipping on her way downstairs. Yes, she's strong enough to skip in banded mail.

* Niklaus_Jaeger 's body is made of calluses from sleeping on so many rocks. Builds character.
Reenan: (Among other things.)

* Niklaus_Jaeger decides to start his day off with some nice ale.
Reenan: ("YOU DRUNKARD. STOP THAT.")

Jennea: I just needed to tell you... the poor girl out there isn't lying. There really -is- a pervert gnome in the area. *nods, completely and utterly 100 percent sincere*
Innkeeper: ... oh sweet lord, not again.

Innkeeper: No door kept him out, no guard could keep him at bay. No woman was safe, no leg went unhumped.
Jennea: *groan* That would be him.

* Reid fumbles around with the apple. "Ack...this isn't food...it's...it's...it's what food eats..."

* Niklaus_Jaeger can't help but think its funny... heavily armed combat squad going for a 10 minute morning stroll
Jennea: (In case the gnome comes back)

Niklaus_Jaeger: (Yeah… the more interesting one… and Klaus is being careful not to give Selanius papercuts on his eyes)

ChaotikLawfull
2006-04-18, 12:48 PM
Magnus...

You and your group are some of the most twisted people I've met on this internet.

...are you still accepting players for your game? :P

endoperez
2006-04-19, 02:40 PM
Jennea: (What would you do to a drunken ranger, what would you do to a drunken ranger, what would you do to a drunken ranger, EARLY in the MOR-nin...)

This cracked me up.
http://www.thebards.net/music/lyrics/Donald_Wheres_Trousers.shtml
The lyrics include "What would you do to a drunken sailor" (even though they don't show up on the page), and this instantly came into my mind. Great stuff!
Judgning from the other quotes, I could also see your group quoting some of the other songs, like the one explaining why, exactly, dragons eat virgins. Brobdingnagian bards rock!




Orranel: "Criminy, you people act like you've never seen a lammasu before."
Jennea: ...I haven't...
* Reenan shakes his head slightly. ".... Truth be told... I haven't..."
* Reid shakes his head. "I've heard stories..."
Niklaus: Never had the opportunity before, I'm afraid..
Orranel "...oh. Well."

Reid: (Could just throw on a menacing face, and throw my arms out to the sides to make myself look big.)
Magsmaster: (yeah, but don't expect it to work against the minotaur in the next room...)
Magsmaster: (...uh, I mean, make your checks)
Magsmaster: (I said nothing)

Reid: (Dear Diary, Jennea keeps giving me googly eyes. Think she is still upset about the pants? They looked really hot on her though. Note to self though, don't turn your back to her. Couldn't handle my nice ass anyway.)
Jennea: (Dear Diary, are these murderous impulses natural? I keep fearing Argen will smite me for wanting to harm one of His priests, but I just can't help imagining Reid as a corpse...")


That's just great. Wonderful stuff.

I haven't got any of my own, but just in case someone in here only knows Order of the Stick, here are some bits from certain other webcomics:

DM: "Okay, so you fail your reflex and strength roll? Lemme figure out the damage for being [abused] by trees."
PeeJee: "Outwardly, I'm begging my trees to leave him alone, but in my heart I'm commanding them to make him bark like the little [rhymes with which] he is."


DM: "You know what? Screw it. Rocks fall and everyone dies."
Player:"But the kingdom is seated on a featureless plain. Where do-?"
DM:"Rocks fall. Everyone dies."

http://www.somethingpositive.net


And Goblins, which looks at the things from a different point of view:

Cleric of He-who-hides-behind-a-sheet-of-paper: "Oh powerful Herbert! He who livith in his parents' basement and workith at Starbucks part time! Great Herbert, your last adventure suckith big time! We gained little xp and feelith that it was a cake walk! Please givith us a challenge for a chance!"

Goblin:"Aaaah! A purple worm! Have at thee, foul beast!"
Barbarian: "Oh god"
Barbarian: "Aaaaaaaaah!"
the Cleric: "Wow. You got your ass kicked by a goblin who's even dumber than you."
Barbarian "Shut up. I'm making a fortitude save to not puke."

Goblin: "Well, technically, it's not against our laws to become player characters.
Chief: "That's because our laws were written in first edition."

And the trademark:
"Oh! That's Clever."
Just before your enemies do something totally unexpected and cause lots of damage.

Goblins can be found from http://thunt.comicgen.com

The_Shaman
2006-04-19, 07:08 PM
Players:

Y.F. - Egocentric elven rogue
E.D. - Somewhat domineering human druid (with a pup... sorry, wolf), with overall TN alignment (LG and CE tendencies), at the time was missing so we autoplayed his character
V.G - Elven priestess (Sehanine), exhausted of trying to rein in everyone
D.N. - Slightly infantile Half-elven ranger, hates undead; generally shuts up except in delicate situations, where he makes our lives miserable.
I.S. - Gruff northern fighter, hates orcs. Doesn't say much not related to dismembering one.
Me - Adolescent human sorcerer, dislikes undead (hey, when your best bet in combat is the crossbow...).

Anyway, we raid a temple ruin, trying to find the source of the undead in the area (a few ghasts - but we are only lvl 2 anyway), and we chance upon a hall with acouple of ghasts and one zombie.
The druid starts with an entangle somewhere behind the creeps and gets two(the ghasts), and we start shooting from a more or less safe distance - around 20 feet. Another zombie appears, then the cleric turns undead and the two zombies are down, and one of the ghasts is turned (and entangled = cowering).

The DM:
"Ok, one of the ghasts pees his pants"
Cleric: "Wait, can they do that?"
Me: "Yeah, do undead have metabolism?"
DM: "Well, it looks like it's giving it its best."

A bit later, a large skeleton appears, and it doesn't get turned. The fighter, ranger and worf are trying to get it down while the rogue goes all-out on a cleric that appears out of the dark part of the hall. The wolf does its trip - AoE when going up - trip routine, and for 2 rounds it works as we cheer it up.


Me "Go, boy! Get those bones!"
Cleric "And bury them!"
Me: "You could pee on them for good measure, too!"
Rogue: "Can't be too sure, huh?"

Wolfie gets another attack in.

Me: "Okay, just - what was it - some 240 more!" to the group "I'm not counting the small ones in the ear, ok?"
Rogue: "You think we could teach it to bury skeletons as a bonus trick?"

Chase
2006-04-19, 07:24 PM
Everyone cracked up when I did this.

Dm: Make a fort save
Me: *rolls a 3* 18?
Dm: You die.
Me:Well...I'm going out to get some dinner. I better be alive when I come back!

Magnus_Samma
2006-04-19, 07:42 PM
ChaotikLawfull: Well, as the game stands now we have seven players, so on the one hand I really have no precedent for refusing entry to new players, but on the other hand... 8 pcs is a lot. O_O Come on down to #Teahouse_D&D on esper.net if you're still interested, I'm sure we can fit you in somewhere...

But for now, more funny!

Dramatic personae:

Magnus: Dungeon Master and sadist. Goes by several pseudonyms, including Magsmaster, Daerztoh, Var, or Grim, depending on what else he's doing during the game.

PCS:
Niklaus- Heroic ranger trying to overcome his drinking problem. Played by Gelgameth.
Jennea- Paladin with a heart of gold, an arm of iron, and a leg far too often humped by gnomes. Played by Snowfox.
Reid- Cleric of Argen and general *******. Played by Sib.
Reenan- Mysterious psion of mystery. Played by December.
Rok- Formerly mute barbarian. Played by Emerald.

NPCS:
Selanius Rumb- Crotchety hermit scholar.
The Gnome- Leg-humping pervert gnome with a great tragedy in his past.
And of course, the monsters...

Magnus: so yes, there will probably NEVER be a situation where we NEED to know what a dragon's genitals are like. I FIGURED IT OUT ANYWAY
Gelgameth: Mags just likes thinking about oversized lizard penis
Magnus: I have a burning need to figure stuff out.

Snowfox: Psions do it with mindgames.

Magnus: Fighter: I have a sword! Wizard: I cast spells! Paladin: I do both! My roleplaying penis is bigger than yours!
Gelgameth: Bard: I can do all that and more! AHAHA

* Zaphkiel also just likes the idea of being able to play a character whose beard is put into two braids. And no one being able to give him crap for it
Magnus: Dwarves do that too. Actually, dwarves do all kinds of crazy stuff with their beards. But half-orcs do too.
Zaphkiel: Yeah, I know dwarves do it
Zaphkiel: Hell, if human women could grow beards, -I- would do it

Magnus: Snowfox gets to play a woman with a huge sword, 12 plays a gay guy, his sib plays another gay guy, Gelg plays a drunkard, and I play Viggo Mortinson
Zaphkiel: So basically you're saying Snow has penis envy, 12 and his brother are secretly gay, Gelg wants to be a boozer and you just want to be a sexy ranger
Magnus: I'm not so sure about the "secret" part, but yeah, that's my hypothesis
Zaphkiel: ...that might've been more than I needed to know

Magnus: Zaph's character probably likes to rape horses

Reidd: (need a wizard or sorc., our current mage blows...)
Magsmaster: (Reid... you ARE our current mage)

Niklaus: (How much would I know about the cave by the waterfall?)
Magsmaster: (there have been reports of owlbears taking up residence in the cave, but these are unsubstantiated)
Zaphkiel: [yeah right]
Magsmaster: (*whistles innocently*)

Magsmaster: (so the entire party is made up of hydrophobics? that's something to keep in mind...)
Reenan: (Reenan's not hydrophobic. He just can't swim.)
Reidd: (My character can swim, infact he enjoys it. Not adept at it though.)
Magsmaster: (whatever the technicality, to me it means I have one more way to kill you. moving on...)

Magsmaster: (what's funny is that I -threaten- more than Gelg does, but when all is said and done, he's actually come far closer to actually killing anyone)

Magsmaster: (Niklaus knows this area like the bottom of an ale mug)
Reidd: (We're saved.)
Jennea: (As long as he keeps drinking)
Reidd: (In the middle of nowhere...no tavern...*sniff*)
Magsmaster: (he won't be able to hit anything with an arrow, but by god he'll be the best tracker this side of Hell's creation!)
Jennea: (Yay!)

Magsmaster: (I'd hit the reality button now, but it's my fault we're on this tangent again in the first place.)

Niklaus: (And seriously, I didn't expect you guys to just run around waiting for the thing with 20 foot claws to stab you ;_; I overestimated you)
Niklaus: (..and Underestimated that thing's damage. JESUS)
[Gelg nearly killed us all with a boneclaw in his campaign.]

Niklaus: (I have got to remember to get some torches 9_9)
Zaphkiel: [Set Reenan on fire]

Magnus: (for the record, klaus, you hit it for twice it's total hp in one hit. that's almost Jen-worthy)
Niklaus: (*LOL*)

Magsmaster: *the beetle is impaled upon Reenan's spear and twitches a little bit. then some more. then stops*
Zaphkiel: [I hope you guys are going to eat those]

* Reidd pulls out a rolled up newspaper, and beats his three companions. * "Bad minions...no cookies..."

Jennea: (You know, she tends to slice things -nearly- in half or -nearly- behead them)
Jennea: (Clearly she should work on her follow-through)

* Jennea shakes her head and follows the sane two, knowing she likely can come back later. Or she'll be dead. Either way, no point in worrying right at the moment.

Magsmaster: *Niklaus can see something! It's... tunnel!*

Magsmaster: *abruptly, everything within a twenty foot radius of Niklaus goes absolutely pitch black. at the same time, something hits him in the head. hard.*
Reidd: (IT'S THE GNOME. IT HAS HIS HEAD.)

Reidd: (anyone remember the last name of my character?)

Niklaus: (...You did NOT throw a ****ing Nightshade at us.)
Magsmaster: (... I'm not THAT tired)

Magsmaster: *uh, Reenan feels something like tentacles wrapping around his head in a painful, suffocating embrace* (5 damage, which puts you at 0 HP >_< Jen's turn)
Zaphkiel: [...dude o_o]
Jennea: (Jesus.)
Niklaus: (X____o)
Reenan: (The **** are we fighting. ;____;)
Niklaus: (CTHULU!?)

Niklaus: (So uh. What were you saying about me being more likely to kill the whole party? XD)
Magsmaster: (alright, I'm gonna lay this out on the table. you're getting your asses kicked by a goddamn darkmantle. you guys suck)

Jennea: (Does the smite evil apply? Is it evil?)

Magsmaster: (between this and the booze you'll be -completely- useless now...)
Niklaus: (ahahah.. yeah, well, corpses tend to be like that)

Magsmaster: (fortunately for you, you passed out by trying to pry it off before it got a chance to constrict...)

Niklaus: (I got ****in' pwned by the ****ed up love child of an octopus, a squid, and Freddy Kreuger X_;)

* Reidd gets a hold himself, and shakes his head. Walking towards the group. "Is everyone...alright?"
Magsmaster: (... does he ask that -every- time someone's critically injured?)

Magsmaster: (hm, now I feel apprehensive about the owlbear...)
Zaphkiel: [I KNEW IT]

Magsmaster: (with the way you guys are hurrying, he'd be dead if my dice didn't like him XD)
Jennea: (Eh, we were gonna get to him sooner or later)
Niklaus: (I'M BLEEDING. IN MY BRAIN.)
Niklaus: (Wait a second.. in what way do your dice like me?)
Niklaus: (Your dice are precisely why I'm in this condition!)

Jennea: (Yeah, well, Reid's wand'll make you feel all better.)
Jennea: (Like it will Reenan.)
Jennea: (Every night.)

* Reidd points the wand at Niklaus uttering a Celestial phrase (roughly translated : healy healy, touchy feely). Blue light radiats from the wand towards Klaus' head.
Niklaus: (I've got the mother of all concussions and who comes to save me? The CARE BEARS)

* Reidd walks over to Reenan. "Your turn. Hold still, so you don't lose a eye." Points the wand at Reenan before saying the command.
Reenan: ("Ahhh! You got it in my eye!")

Magsmaster: (I'd just like to say, if this game was based on Alien at all, Niklaus and Reenan would both be ****ed. and Jen would probably be premanently scarred by acid splash)

Reenan: (HEAL ME AGAIN, YOU WANKER!)

Niklaus: (Eh, I'm a MANLY MAN. I can take another concussion or three)
Magsmaster: (better make that... *counts... runs out of fingers* ... um, yeah, three might do it...)

Magsmaster: (I would tell you to make a spot check just to mess with you, but I figure you've had enough)
Niklaus: (7 + 6 = 13)
Niklaus: (20)
Niklaus: (26)
Magsmaster: (XD)
Jennea: (XD)
Niklaus: (I'll roll for every goddamn rock in the place)
Niklaus: ( 8 )
Niklaus: (12)
* Niklaus stops, and looks back up the tunnel, to double check all the rocks
Magsmaster: *OH MY GOD! HE SEES A ROCK.*
* Niklaus nods soundly.. and then cautiously looks forward
Niklaus: (OH ****, DRAGON)


* Reidd reachs under his shirt to produce his silver holy symbol. "Argen hear my call to drive these creatures of evil spawn back where they belong." (17 turning check ^^)
Magsmaster: (... you did NOT just make your undead turning rhyme)

Magsmaster: (Reenan, you have ten rounds to kill these things before they recover from Reid's terribly poetry. HURRY)

Magsmaster: (Snow, you've influenced sib into -poking- his -brother-. how do you feel about your contribution to their slow downwards spiral?)
Jennea: (Pretty damn great, actually)

Magnus: hm, maybe we CAN finish the cave after all...
Magnus: *plots fiendishly*
Gelgameth: With less anal plundering?
Magnus: awww, but I LIKE the anal plundering. *pouts*

* Magnus changes topic to 'Skeletons, skeletons everywhere! But a mere nine skeletons is nothing to the brave warriors who thwarted the mighty darkmantle!!!'
Gelgameth: I HATE YOU, MAGS

Jennea: (I swear, I roll the best with this chara. Lawful good represent.)
Niklaus: (Lawful good + blessed dice = Jesus loves you)
Jennea: (Amen.)
Rok_Sarinasch: [and woot]

Varmaster: (try a listen check if you like)
Reenan: ( 18 )
Jennea: (12)
Rok_Sarinasch: [kickass. 14]
Niklaus: (...10)
Varmaster: *everyone can hear a noise like something textured whispering over rock, just at the edge of their perception. soft, fast, hissing breaths*
Reid: ( 8 )
Varmaster: (... everyone except Reid)

Varmaster: (make another spot check, now that you have some bearing...)
Niklaus: (19 + 6 spot)
Varmaster: (Niklaus can see the entire world!)

Varmaster: (roll a knowledge check if you like)
Niklaus: (...3)
Niklaus: (IT'S A DRAGON! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

Jennea: If we kill the bone bear... will you promise to leave people in peace?
Choker: Peace? Piece of what?

Rok_Sarinasch: [I thought it was cute in its own AAH KILL it sort of way]

Varmaster: (Jen's a native american!?)
Jennea: (If anything she's white-black biracial)
Jennea: (If that even exists here)
Niklaus: (Is there even an America in Arthanelas?)
Varmaster: (no XD)
Reenan: (She's white, but she's built like a black man.)
Jennea: (Shut up XD)

Varmaster: (and I LOVE the banter. just. makes it difficult to hurt you guys because I love you so much ;_;)

[OOC]
Magnus: ARE YOU READY FOR THE FOOTBALL!?
`Reid: NO! NOT YET.
Jennea: I AM READY FOR THE FOOTBALL SIR
* Magnus gives Jen the football
* Jennea runs with it
Niklaus: *arrow*
* Reenan calls cheating! No archery on the football field!
Magnus: Five yard penalty.
Niklaus: *arrow*

[more OOC]
Magnus: I imagine you could all fit in the tent... you'd just need to cuddle...
Reenan: They're in a dungeon. Why would they need a tent? XD
Niklaus: Spiders
* Magnus didn't put spiders in this dungeon. the crabs dislike them

Magsmaster: *Niklaus spots dungeon walls of dressed stone. they are very nice, if old. Further down the hallway there is a large wooden door, mostly rotted away. behind him is the room they just came out of where they massacred the skeletons. beside his foot is some moss*
Niklaus: *Would the moss.. be tasty?*
Magsmaster: *it looks like fuzzy poo*

* `Reid pulls out his holy symbol, and attempts to turn the beast."Your ugly, go live in a hole. (12+3)
Magsmaster: *the owlbear lets out a pathetic moan, turns, and runs right into a wall*
* Reenan blinks at the display. ".... What the..."
Magsmaster: *the owlbear just kind of sits there smacking its skull repeatedlyt against the stone, although it doesn't seem to be doing any damage to itself, it clearly is not going to be able to attack anything*

* Jennea walks up to it and smacks it with her sword.
Jennea: BAD skeleton.

Magsmaster: (roll damage)
Jennea: (14)
Magsmaster: (... O_O)

* Niklaus walks over and kicks the chest open.
Magsmaster: *he stubs his toe*
Niklaus: ...
* Niklaus opens it like a normal boring human being...
Magsmaster: *it is locked*
Niklaus: ...*sigh*

Magsmaster: (Reid! do your thing!)
Magsmaster: (not the thing where you act like an *******, the other thing)

Snowfox: I CAN'T perform without Sib!
Snowfox: He's my Viagra!
Magnus: this is information that shall be useful for me in the future

Reid: (nik got head humped several sessions before.)
Niklaus: (Yeah..)
Niklaus: (NO)

* Niklaus steps over to the darkness and eyes the darkness while Reenan investigates the book
* Jennea eyes it as well.
Daerzoth: *The darkness stares back at them.*
Jennea: (*shoots it*)

Niklaus: (...I'd actually forgotten what we went here for... )

Constable: "That's interesting... say Nik... I don't suppose you or your friends here have met a... gnome anywhwere hereabouts, have you?"
Niklaus: ...Yes. We did have a run in with one earlier.
Constable: "Really now... did he... ah... make uncomfortable advances towards your lady friend here?"
Jennea: Uncomfortable is such a mild word.
*Reid: Uncomfortable advances? Please elaborate...
Jennea: -No-.
Jennea: I will not enable your sick gnome fantasies.

Constable: "... I see. Sounds like our guy." *he pauses*
Constable: "Do you all... still have your... uh... pubic hair?"

* Niklaus turns to face the door, and with a deep breath, knocks on it.
*the peekflap opens* "Eh? Who's there? Niklaus, is that you?"
Niklaus: Yeah, we brought your book.
Selanius: "Really!? Goodness, I thought you'd all get killed! Well come in, come in!"

* Reid mindlessly pokes through some of the books, and scroll looking for things of possible interest. Putting things back where he finds them, 'funny' people organize by a 'system'.
* Jennea calmly settles one big hand on Reid's neck and, ever so gently, guides him to a seat.
* Reid's arms wave and topples books over as he's guided, but doesn't offer much resistance. Can't fight back at a troll without acid or fire. "GGAAHHH. Doing nothing wrong..."
* Jennea figures if Reid's going to act like a toddler, she will treat him like a toddler.

*Selanius frowns* "Hmmm... you may have trouble with that... The City of Stones is populated by deep dwarves, very distrustful of surface dwellers. You'll need a guide whom they trust."
* Reenan nods a bit and frowns tightly at this. "... Do you know someone who could help us?"
Selanius: "I do. Hold on one moment." *he shuffles over to the curtain and draws it back, revealing his bed, upon which The Gnome is snoring peacefully.*
Jennea: . . .
Niklaus: . . . .
Reenan: *And so it begins.*

* Niklaus walks up to the house.. and as he passes Reid, he stops, and swings a punch right at the man's nose
Daerzoth: (OH SNAP)

Selanius: "Hm, I suppose it's not unexpected. He's rather profoundly disturbed. I wish I knew why- it seems to me that something happened to him, if he doesn't even use his gname."
Daerzoth: (... name)
Daerzoth: (oh my god)
Jennea: (Gnomes have gnames!)

Niklaus: *eventually they reach the pub too, I imagine. Unless the Gods have something else to say on the matter*
Daerzoth: (The Gods are playing poker. Argen just accused Grome of cheating. A fistfight ensues.)

* Reid- takes the seat beside Reenan, his left eye still twitches.
Reenan: ("... You might wanna get that checked out." "Nah, it's fine. It's only a stigmata of the eye." ".... You mean astigmatism?" "Oh, hells no! Oh, ****. Here it comes! *squirt blood from tearduct.*" "..... O___O;")

Reid: *The gears in his head turn ...turn...*pokes the hamster awake* turn slowly, contemplating payback.*

[Jennea has stated that she cannot travel with Reid anymore, as he is an *******.]
* Reid- shakes his head."You don't need to make that decision. Might be better if I just left...I have a horse now, so travel shouldn't be too bad.
Daerzoth: (He doesn't need you! He has his horse!)

Niklaus: (I doubt Mags had expected the party to split up over the Gnome XD;)
Daerzoth: (He's harmless and fun-loving! ;_;)
Jennea: (No, it's over the stick in Jen's ass)
Daerzoth: (Lucky stick...)
Reenan: (*chokes on an ice cube*)

* Niklaus can't help but think of the feces of a goat herd being flung everywhere...

* Jennea raises a brow.
Jennea: (Because everyone on Cadalax has independently controlled eyebrows.)

[Reid gets the last laugh...]
Reid: (reid apparently has a **** load of cash on him...I don't remember where I got it from ><)
Niklaus: (I think you were carrying the G from this last dungeon XD)
Reid: (I think he walked away with roughly 1200+ gp)

* Niklaus 's certain he detects the flavor of day old sock
Jennea: (Ow)
Reenan: (Ah, the stuff that floats through the mind of this ranger... XD)
Jennea: (What was that supposed to mean? XD)
Niklaus: (He feels like he's putting his foot in his mouth)
Jennea: (Oh XDD)

BelkarsDagger
2006-04-19, 10:32 PM
New quotes from last session!

"*slap* Don't drool on the counter!"

"Looks like another day of killing orcs and taking their stuff. WOOHOO!"

"Hey! This one's still alive! I wonder if he knows where my pocket knife is..."

Aryanna
2006-04-20, 01:16 AM
"Shadow or just a shadow? Skeletons or just skeletons?"

DM: "I'd like everyone to hear my next statement: Screw You."

"There's a whole lota shops with doors and nobody in them... and this one hasn't got a door and someone's in it. Pretty simple really."

"Everyone make listen checks."
*roll*
*roll*
"Listen check?!"

"We couldn't talk if we were undead… unless we were intelligent undead. If we were intelligent undead you wouldn’t be here.”

ChaotikLawfull
2006-04-20, 11:03 AM
Magnus, I may do just that. When are you usually on, on which timezones?

kailin
2006-04-20, 02:46 PM
My favorite DM description of an important NPC, of all-time (this is the entire description):

"He has hair."

The_Blue_Sorceress
2006-04-20, 03:19 PM
My D20 modern character, Sam "Sparky" Thompson, wizard extrodinaire, after launching a fireball at a group of baddies to kick off the final battle of the campaign:

"And that's why they call me Sparky, b****es!"

-Blue

BobGhengisKhan
2006-04-20, 03:32 PM
Planescape has given quite a bit of quite fodder, especially when dealing with the party Cipher.

"There's a timne to act, and a time to think... and now is not a time to think."

I also gave what was probably the worst response to losing a spot vs. disguise check.

"It's not me!"

Nerd-o-rama
2006-04-20, 04:47 PM
"Fine. But I call dibs on the Half-Plate."
- My Paladin, after a large number of opposed diplomacy checks, agreeing that looting a battlefield for useful equipment was okay.

"So I can impersonate her later?"
- My friend's Sorceress, explaining just why she wanted to take the signet ring off a dead Cannith secretary.

"I throw a rock at it."
- Myself, rather tired, attempting to determine what was under a pile of garbage at the bottom of a pit.

"Ah! Tentacle rape!"
- It turns out it was an Otyugh.

Magnus_Samma
2006-04-20, 08:05 PM
ChaotikLawfull: We play sporadically on the weekends, but there's usually someone in the channel in the evenings after 8 or 9 PM U.S. Eastern time. Come on in whenever you feel like it and introduce yourself.

But for now... more quotes!

Magnus: Would you guys rather deal with an Ogre Mage or a Raksasha?
Snowfox: ...
Snowfox: BAD BOYFRIEND. *sprays him with water*

Rok_Sarinasch: Oh, crap, Rok is still level one
Grim: You're a munchkin, you'll live.

Dagero: (sexually assaulted... it was still funny.)
Jennea: (She didn't think it was funny! XD)
Dagero: (he did XD)
Reenan: (I don't think anyone else did, either. XD)
Jennea: (That @(*$)&*(^ dragon did)

Grim: (The gnome wouldn't hump Reid's leg, he's trying to repopulate his village...)
Reenan: (With half-gnomes?)
Jennea: (And insure the resulting offspring are evolutionarily sound)
Reenan: (Hm. Then again, desperate times call for desperate measures.)
Grim: (half-gnomes are better than no gnomes.)
Jennea: (We could cut The Gnome in half. Then there'd be two half-gnomes.)

* Niklaus follows the yellow brick gnome

* Reenan turns to the others, pulling out the map. "He says that the left fork will take a few days longer, but we'll have to pay a toll eventually... The path through the forest may be shorter, but it has creatures..."
Jennea: *immediately* I don't mind the forest.
Rok_Sarinasch: Forest.
Niklaus: ...Forest.
Magsmaster: (XD Fools!)

* Reenan clears his throat. "But.... They... steal our hair... *Cough.* Our... Erm... *He motions towards his pelvis.* hair."
Jennea: They'd have to take it from my cold dead body.
[This will become more relevant later.]

Niklaus: (OK. Prepared for the Ethereal Shaver)
Reenan: (.... The what.)
Magsmaster: (... you realize of course, now one of us has to come up with stats for that)
Reenan: (Oh crap. XD)

Niklaus: (... I KNOW I'm not down to only four arrows)
Niklaus: (... crap)
Reenan: (... Oh great. How much -did- Klaus drink last night?)

Jennea: (Do we have to keep track of your arrows for you now?)
Niklaus: (*makes a note to rapid shot Jen on his turn*)

Magsmaster: (little Nikky's turn)
Jennea: (*duckandcover*)
Reenan: (*dives behind a bush!*)
Rok_Sarinasch: [*...stands in front of Klaus' target*]
Jennea: (Oh see, he's the smart one.)

Dagero: Okay. Eager to play the only nonhuman of the group.
Darth_Magnus: be sure to represent the elven nation well.
Jennea: And for the love of God don't grope Jen.
* Dagero stops groping Jen.*
* Jennea SMASH*

Dagero: they're going to hate me ;_;
Darth_Magnus: He can't possibly do worse than Reid...
Dagero: ;_;
Darth_Magnus: ...don't take that as a challenge...

* Niklaus doesn't know quite what to make of this.
Jennea: (He hasn't had his ale yet today. It makes everything clearer.)

Jennea: (Sokay. Reenan's gay too.)
Reenan: (Yes. For the thousandth time.)

[Dagero has a ferret familiar named Monty.]
* Jennea is just charmed by that little bugger!
* Niklaus gets along well with animal lovers he does.
* Reenan has no reason to mind the ferret, at all. So long as it doesn't bite him. Even then...
Jennea: (That ferret singlehandedly won over the entire party XD)

Dagero: (*removes Mag's brain from the gutter, and drops it in bleach. Will that really help?)
Darth_Magnus: (... you just destroyed everything I know o_O)
Reenan: (Well, that's only slightly a bad thing...)
Dagero: (might be best for humanity anyway.)
Niklaus: (On the bright side, Snow gets to teach him anew)
Reenan: (This is true.)
Jennea: (...That's the BRIGHT side?)
Jennea: (How long have you known me?)

Jennea: (Go divine grace)
Rok_Sarinasch: [Divine Grace: *goes*]

Brass Dragon: Hnnn... expected to get more of you with that... no matter. Surrender, puny humans!
Dagero: (*waves his arm* elf, hello.)
Darth_Magnus: (Don't correct a dragon. He says you're human, you clip your ears and wear contacts.)

Niklaus: (I guess Klaus was guarding the rear)
Jennea: (*resists the urge...*)
Niklaus: (Guarding JEN'S rear)
Rok_Sarinasch: [Rogues do it from behind.]

* Dagero finishing the spell, he gently touchs Jen on the arm." Go get it, tiger."
Niklaus: (*SPIT*)
Jennea: (...Oh, this ain't gonna be good)

Dagero: (don't want to run away in screaming terror? no?)
Darth_Magnus: (It's too young for frightful presence.)
Dagero: (awww its so cute. *rubs underneath the dragon's mouth*)
Rok_Sarinasch: [*Chomp!*]

*The dragonling snarls and stalks towards Reenan, leaping in for a quick slash from its claws that tears at his side.* (6 Damage) "You can't fight me, I will have your hairs yet!"
Dagero: (o.O hair?)
Rok_Sarinasch: [O_O IT'S THE PUBE SHAVER AAAAAA]

* Jennea WAS all ready to approach this reasonably, but the attack against Reenan has her -angry-. She draws herself up to her full height and breadth, giving the dragon a very irate, almost maternal glare.* "Does your mother know you're doing this? I imagine her heart would just break from shame if she knew what you were up to!"
Reenan: ("My hero. ;__________;")
Jennea: (New paladin power--Divine Shame.)
*The dragon BLINKS.*

Dagero: (jaw drop...I just made you stronger and you yell at it?)

Jennea: I bet she would -cry- if she knew what her child was up to!
Jennea: Do you want to make your mother cry?
Niklaus: (ANY lawful good character has the power of "What would your mother think!?")
Jennea: (It's our best alignment-based ability)
Niklaus: (Gotta have SOMETHING in exchange for the discomfort in the hind quarters)

* Jennea actually shakes a finger at the dragonlet.
Niklaus: (Oh.. if only I were actually hearing this instead of sawing logs)

Rok_Sarinasch: [Then Jen's Bull Strength wears out and THEN he attacks.]

Dragonling: "... uh... can I... have some of your pubic hairs? Please?"
Jennea: First apologize to Reenan for hurting him.
* Reenan then turns his violet gaze to the dragon, staring in utter disbelief...*
Jennea: I'll give you some as long as you apologize first.
Niklaus: ZzzzSCHNOCK... mnuh mnuh.. zzzzz
*The dragon grumbles out something that might vaguely be something in the realm of "Sorry"*
* Jennea nods firmly and retreats to the shelter of a bush!*
*Dragonblink.*

Darth_Magnus: (... she's trimming her pubes with a greatsword?)
Jennea: (She has a dagger, doesn't she? I could have sworn she did...)
Niklaus: (That's only a LITTLE better)

* Reenan blinks at the dragon.* "..... Why?"
Dragonling: "It's a spell I've been developing... for years I've been attempting to discover the secret of the ultimate love potion... I believe that pubic hairs will make the perfect material focus."
* Niklaus looks around sleepily and.. what the...*

Rok_Sarinasch: ["So what happened? I heard a lot of thrashing in the bushes, there's blood on Reenan's clothes, and Jen's all red and her armor's sort of disheveled..."]

Niklaus: ...Well. I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry?

Dagero: Hmmm. A treat from my rations...*The ferret moves inside his pack, scrambling a bit before poking his head out.*
Rok_Sarinasch: I could eat a fer--rrrrocious bull, I'm STARVED.
* Jennea sits crosslegged beside him. "My plea--" *LOOKS at Rok.*

* Rok_Sarinasch fails his will save against cute.

Rok_Sarinasch: [Oh God, the pervert gnome gets a side quest. Someone coup-de-grace me, please.]

Magsmaster: *They hear a sudden cry from The Gnome*
Jennea: *oh what now?*
Magsmaster: *A second later he tromps back into camp, stone-faced. A squirrel is mightily humping his ankle.*

* Jennea might in fact bust her armor at the boobies from laughing so hard.

Rok_Sarinasch: ..ask him if it was looking for his nuts.

Jennea: (Can you get subdual damage from laughing too hard?)

Rok_Sarinasch: [...we didn't see anything with a 22 roll?]
Magsmaster: (Assuming there was anything to see and I'm not just screwing with you, yes, you didn't see anything.)

Magsmaster: *The wind blows a whiff of something by them... almost smoky, but more like... sulphur?*
Jennea: ...
Jennea: Does anyone else smell that?
Niklaus: ...Yes.
Rok_Sarinasch: ...I think those berries weren't quite ripe, Nik...

Darth_Magnus: *Suddenly a pheasant bursts out of the underbrush and shoots down the path, cawing.*
* Jennea instinctively brings her sword up to intercept it!*
Darth_Magnus: *The pheasent is cloven in twain!*

Rok_Sarinasch: [Everyone: ..... Jen: ...yes! 25 EXP!]

* Rok_Sarinasch makes a note to pick up the bird and put it to good use as food. Also to NEVER SCARE JEN HOLY MOTHER OF AARD.*

* Dagero lowers his bow.* "Well...claim that as self defense."
Rok_Sarinasch: They'll never convict.
Jennea: I didn't mean to kill it. :(
* Rok_Sarinasch nods sagely.
Rok_Sarinasch: ["If the gauntlet doesn't fit, you must acquit."]

Dagero: (that night's prayer: rub adub dub Jen, thanks for the grub.)
Niklaus: (Dag's watching her bathe now?)
Reenan: (Stop it! I don-- *DEAD*)

Darth_Magnus: *The forest gives up no further terrors, though on occasion one or the other member of the party catches another whiff of brimstone.*
* Jennea just gets edgier with each whiff...*
Reenan: ("Alright. This needs to stop. ONE OF YOU, GO DROP YOUR LOAD. RIGHT. NOW! >___<")

Darth_Magnus: *Abruptly, the wind sends a waft of something else into their faces. Rotting meat.*
* Rok_Sarinasch starts breathing through his meat, and holds his scythe tight
Rok_Sarinasch: [...AAAAA]
Rok_Sarinasch: [HOLY CRAP. HIS -MOUTH-]
Niklaus: (*SNIIFF* AHH. BICEP SWEAT)
Jennea: (He's breathing through his MEAT!)
Jennea: (That's one impressive wang)

Jennea: (That's why Barbarians rage. They have lungs in their meat)
Rok_Sarinasch: [You'd be angry if you had to smell your own pubes when YOU breathed...]

* Rok_Sarinasch nods, ready to spring away at any moment...*
Rok_Sarinasch: [Take that, awareness check!]
Niklaus: (This isn't Rokugan, we don't have that ability score.)
Niklaus: (*watches NOBODY get it*)

Rok_Sarinasch: [Nik: Meatwallsayswhat? Rok: ...what?]

* Niklaus does follow, but at a slow slow pace... and he keeps close to Reenan, because they'll need to be back to back if the poop hits the windmill. *
Darth_Magnus: (Heh. Nice turn of phrase.)
Reenan: (That was good, yes.)
Rok_Sarinasch: [Quite XD]
Jennea: (*nod*)

* Dagero follows behind the other two, keeping a eye on the rear.*
Rok_Sarinasch: [Jen's.]
Jennea: (Everyone's obsessed with her rear.)
Rok_Sarinasch: [Up to and including the ferret.]
Jennea: (...That's disturbing)
Rok_Sarinasch: [I do what I can.]

* Reenan relaxes a bit as well as they enter the clearing... But, she frowns a bit at the dead gnolls... Were those two earlier from this camp?... Hm.*
Jennea: (...She?)
Niklaus: (AHA)
Reenan: (*Finger slipped. ;__;)
Jennea: (He's not gay! Just gender-confused!)
Reenan: (No, he's gay.)

Rok_Sarinasch: ..what I want to know is, why did we smell brimstone and fine frosted bodies?
Rok_Sarinasch: [...find. "You're dead in a national park! That'll be thirty silver!"]

Dagero: (uses Jen as a pack mule...feeds Jen a carrot. "Good girl")
Jennea: ("You're lucky I like your ferret. ><")
Rok_Sarinasch: ["Oh, is THAT what they call it nowadays?"]

Emerald: So what's Spider climb?
December: Walking like a spider?
Emerald: ...Thaaaanks.

Niklaus_Jaeger: (Oh yeah.. the brown turd thing there is a fallen log)
Zaphkiel: [...what's the streak of bro-...]
Zaphkiel: [I see!]
December: (Dragon crap.)
December: (It just -looks- like a log.)
Zaphkiel: [That's a hell of a crap, it looks like it's dammed a river]
* Var_Chokal is seated on the log*

Var_Chokal: (*spanks Snow with Rok's scythe*)
Emerald: [Rok: ....*nosebleed*]
Snowfox: (*smites with Jen's sword*)
Var_Chokal: (Aaaaiiieee!)

Rok_Sarinasch: ARE YOU REAAADY...TO ROK?!
* Jennea smites Rok. Puns are blatantly evil.*
* Rok_Sarinasch loses many HP.*

Jennea: You know, Jen's ass gets talked about a -lot-.
Magsmaster: Something that shiney just tends to attract people.

* Rok_Sarinasch casts sleep.*
* Reenan dispells it!*
* Rok_Sarinasch casts SHUT UP I HATE YOU.*
Reenan: ...

* Niklaus_Jaeger humps Magsmaster's leg*

Magsmaster: *When we last left our heroes they were headed for the Bawdy Dancer Inn!*
Magsmaster: *The Inn, despite its name, is actually a very respectful establishment, aside from the waitresses all having very large... tankards of ale.*

* Jennea heads upstairs to her room and begins changing for bed!*
Jennea: *Thank God there are no webcams in Arthanelas*
Rok_Sarinasch: [Or so you think. *Scry'd!*]

SnowKitten: (Hey, those skeletons look familiar!)

* Niklaus tries to sneak into the girls' locker room!*
Reenan: *Klaus gets a psionically charged spear in the eye!*

* Niklaus sleeps. On a bed. Like a normal, boring, average, lame human being.

Atarashi: (... you know, it's actually too bad Em isn't here, seeing as how tonight is all about tormenting you guys. Oh well.)

Atarashi: (I'll get him when he comes back. Anyhow, Sib? You... kind of need to be asleep for this part...)
Dagero: (oooohhhh okay. elves don't sleep though...just being a smart ass sry...)
Atarashi: (...)
Atarashi: (WHY DO I KEEP FORGETTING THAT!?)

Jennea: *dream! Kitty flying through the air, kitty flying without a care, kitty dreams of underwear, underwear that's worn by pears...*

Atarashi: "And along with this great honor, Jennea becomes privy to the greatest, most carefully guarded secret of our order..."
Dagero: (Argen is really a turnip...)

Atarashi: "Ah, I tell yah, it ain't like the old days. Those kids these days, they're so violent."
Jennea: ("What with their videogames..." "I thought I done tole you to shut yer mouth bout that, Jack!")

Atarashi: "And the things our soldiers are doin', too. Whole towns set ablaze, they say."
Atarashi: "Aye. Women raped, children tortured for fun, men used as food! It's diabolical."
Jennea: ("But they're so high in protein. ;_;")

Atarashi: *Uh, I mean. Niklaus is having a dream about the forest. Just a peaceful, average day in the forest.*
* Niklaus 's frollicking.
Niklaus: Hello tree! Hello, sky!
Atarashi: *As he frollicks-*
Atarashi: *... you KNOW I can't give you a nightmare if I'm busting a gut laughing! XD*

* Niklaus ... is feeling a little hungry... he plays with his pigtails a bit before pulling out his long bow to stalk the beast*
Atarashi: (... lost a little bit of pee that time.)

* Niklaus prances up to the stag, nocking back an arrow and watching it with fierce, predatorial eyes*
Reenan: (Ohmygodhepranced.)

* Niklaus un-nocks the arrow briefly to stroke his beard.. he skips up gingerly, his pretty little shoes barely touching the forest floor, and he attempts to get a better look at the stag's head... nocking back an arrow once more.. One shot to the base of the skull, and it'll be dead before it can feel pain.*

Atarashi: (...oh hell, I just imagined Viggo Mortenson doing all this.)
Atarashi: (Now I have the biggest erection of my life.)
Reenan: (*CHOKE*)

* Niklaus trots up, and kneels over, carefully lifting his frilly skirt so as not to get it dirty, and he pulls out his knife to finish the beast--or cut out some meat.*

Reenan: (.... Yeah, definately a good thing Reenan's not a telepath. Oh, the -nightmares- he'd get from that.)
Atarash:> (Ironically, while this IS a nightmare, it's turning out to not be Nik's...)

* Jennea is blissfully ignorant of Nik's nighttime adventures into the world of alternate lifestyles. She's busy comforting Reenan.*
* Reenan is busy being comforted by Jen and crying. Sorta.*
Jennea: *petpet*
Atarashi: ("Comforting" him, eh?)
Dagero: (HANDS UP ABOVE THE WAIST PEOPLE)
Jennea: (Plenty of fun can be had above the waist.)

Atarashi: *Niklaus sees, walking along the ridge on the other side of the road, a young maiden, her hair blowing behind her, singing murnfully.*
Atarashi: *She's also transclucent and white.*
Niklaus: (For the record: I Hate You)
Atarashi: (;_;)

* Dagero looks at Jen and Reen.* "Scary ghost woman?"
Jennea: Scary ghost woman.
Niklaus: Let's go.

Jennea: ("Does it notice us?" "It's a gazebo..." "I attack it. Now does it notice us?" "It's a GAZEBO..." "But I have a +4 sword!")

Atarashi: (roll initiative...)
Reenan: (Holy damn. 22 modded... on a 20.)
Reenan: (There go my crit rolls for the night.)
Niklaus: (*suddenly Reenan starts moving faster than the eye can see, and makes this "zwee" sound)

* Jennea eyes the figure and adjusts her grip on the sword, ready to bring it up like with the quail should the shape prove a threat.
Dagero: (that bat is so screwed XD)
Reenan: (It's gonna get raped, hardcore.)
Jennea: (Unless it's actually a heretofore undiscovered species of flying darkmantle)
Jennea: (In which case we're all screwed.)
Reenan: (****ing Darkmantles.)

Atarashi: *You defeated the -dire bat-!*
Atarashi: *You get: -Dire bat corpse-!*
Atarashi: *You also get: -120 EXP-!*
Atarashi: *You also also get: -Scream in pain because you just took a shot to the tits attack-!*

Niklaus: (..Now I feel silly for thinking it was a Nightshade..)
Reenan: (That's what I was thinking, too.)
Atarashi: (What the hell do you guys take me for!? XD)
Jennea: (Evil?)

Niklaus: (Think of it as preperation for cthulhu)
Atarashi: (You guys won't fight Cthulhu unless you sail to Gremasor and dig him up...)
Reenan: (......)

* Jennea ignores it, gingerly examining the wound across her chest. Oh yeah, that's gonna scar...*
* Dagero frowns.* "Thats a shame, nothing should scar that pretty body."
Jennea: ............
Jennea: Err, thanks...
* Jennea swears, if he lights up her buttocks, she's just kicking his ass. Gotta nip these things in the bud.*

* Niklaus steps into the darkness.. and casts magic missile!
Atarashi: *What are you casting magic missile at?*
Niklaus: (The darkness!)
Atarashi: *Fine, you attack the darkness.*
Atarashi: *It attacks back, dealing fifty HP in damage.*
Niklaus: (awesome)

Jennea: (Er... you realize she has some pretty humongous boobs, right?)
Niklaus: (... So the bat hit her there for lack of any other target?)
Dagero: (didn't even mean to attack her...he couldn't climb over the mountains...)

Gelgameth: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Magnus: I think so Gelg, but if Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he do it?

Magnus: (I don't have my book of VD handy...)

December: (Soul rot comes from eating the meat of an evil outsider)
Magnus: (Aha...)
Magnus: (... there was no practical reason for me wanting to know that.)
Magnus: (I swear.)
December: (Liar!)

Magnus: *A young woman bustles up and sets down a cup of water in front of him.* Hello there sir, how may I help you today?
December: ("I require SEX. Lots of SEX.")

* Reid digs into his food, as he stares at the paper. He goes through the food quite ravenously, and empties half the pitcher (pouring into glass first) to wash it down. Reid pushes the bowel, and what not forward so the serving girl can easily retrieve them without disturbing him.*
December: (.... He pushes a bowel, huh?)
Gelgameth: (In PUBLIC?)

Magnus: (Oy. What was in that letter Reid sent, anyway? A summary of his recent activities and a request for guidance?)
Reid: (no, just a request for a immediate audience of an important nature. He figures if the letter was read before it reached the right hands, that it may cause panic. "I need a meeting. On the basis we all might die o.O')

* Reid quickly checks to make sure that it hasn't been opened before he recieved it. He looks up from his work, almost forgot the waitress. He smiles, "thank you," he pulls out a silver piece and hands it to her. "If you'll excuse me. Hate to be rude and kick you out."
Dakota: (Liar.)
Reid: (please leave before you notice my tight pants ><)

Magnus: (Demonesses tend to suck your life force our through their genitalia...)
Magnus: (... which... isn't terribly different from human women, now that I think about it...)

* Reid he walks up to the guard.* "Excuse me! Can you point me in the direction to the church of Argen?"
Magnus: "Why coitenly guv'nah! Jes' hang a louie at the caddy corner of Fifth street and saunter on past the bagonies and it'll be right there on the left of Bob's your uncle. Can't miss it."
Dakota: (".... In Common, please...")
* Reid his eyebrow raises past half his forehead (new record). His look is total 100% wtf.*
Magnus: *He points to the right. Argen's symbol is clearly displayed on a large white building a few blocks away.*

Reid: (Did that waitress have crocked teeth? Hadn't really thought of it before...)
Magnus: (Her teeth were as straight as anyone's teeh are in a culture without 20th century dental technology)
Reid: (comforting)

Magnus: *The temple is large and impressive, a composite structure melded with the temples dedicated to Narris and Terra on the right and left. A young noviate is sweeping the steps.*
Reid: (*walks up the steps and points* missed a spot.)

Magnus: "We're rather short-handed here at the moment... I should tell you, there are rumors of a war brewing in the cold lands."
Reid: (cold lands? what direction is that?)
Magnus: (North.)

Jennea: (You know, Muppet Treasure Island has some interesting undercurrents of bestiality)
Reenan: (Miss Piggy-related?)
Jennea: (Yep)
Reenan: (Not surprising.)
Magsmaster: (Anytime Miss Piggy starts going after somebody it raises interesting questions.)
Jennea: (This time she screwed Tim Curry)
Magsmaster: (Poor guy)
Magsmaster: (Although, they say pigs taste a lot like people...)
Reenan: (Maybe that's why I don't like pork.)
Jennea: (...Dear? Never, ever say that again.)

* Niklaus makes a beeline for bed*
Niklaus: (That is to say, he flies around in flowery loops while buzzing)

* Niklaus sits down.. have they invented coffee? If so, he wants some. *

Jennea: (Bite me, twinkie. ;))
Dagero: (cheap shot ;______;)
Jennea: (....Howso? o_o )
Jennea: (Are you a yellow snack cake?)

Magsmaster: *The Inn is somewhat isolated, with only a small farm and a few scattered houses nearby...*
Dagero: (if the group is lucky someone is running a scroll sweatshop nearby.)

Magsmaster: "Uh... there's old Roethke's place over thataways, she might have what you're lookin' for." *The sheepherder gestures to a house just over the hill. The two-storey dwelling is painted a vivid purple and has ten-foot sunflowers growing out front*
Reenan: (... It looks like something from... like... Teletubbies or something...)

Magsmaster: *A rabbit with antlers lopes past him.*
Reenan: (Jackalope!)
Niklaus: (Fly you fool!)
* Dagero chases it down. No one is going to believe him unless he catchs it ;_______:.*

Magsmaster: *The door opens to reveal an elderly woman in a green robe with a stuffed vulture perched on her hat.* Yes? Can I help you?
* Dagero kind of stares at the stuffed vulture. "umm...yes...I was looking for a magical scroll. Can you provide me with a 'See Invisibility' scroll?"
Magsmaster: "Hmmm... see invisibility scroll, eh? I might just have one of those around here... if you can... make it worth my while..." *she looks the comely young elf up and down and licks her wrinkled lips*
Reenan: (.... RUN!)

Dagero: (try, haggle for a lower price. Argue that spell components for the specificed spell are easy to come by.)
Magsmaster: (Go ahead and haggle!)
Reenan: (Won't change the fact that she still wants your lithe elven body.)

Niklaus: (klahfsjklghsrejbsgjnbsjkgdbhsgjhdb vjhdbvjhdxbvjhdgvblzkndcvjklxvkjd `lvn kjlbxvbf.fx, vkjxdbl;v.bfx j;,kclzcs)
Magsmaster: (... oh my, seems Gelg's failed his Will save against Insanity.)

Magsmaster: *The old woman watches his ass for a minute before closing the door.*
Jennea: (FINALLY! Someone's objectifying someone other than Jennea!)

Niklaus: (Mathematical concepts should not be able to join the undead x_X)

Magsmaster: *The others are still waiting for Dag. if Nik and Jen have been drinking coffee this entire time, they're probably pretty wired by now...*
* Niklaus is vibrating too quickly to be seen.*

Dagero: Yeah...how much coffee did you drink? *his eyebrow flys up his head at the question. He looks at Jen, then looks over at Nik.
Jennea: Just two or three... pots...
Jennea: Apiece...
Niklaus: It... compensates
* Dagero seems extremely surprised.* "Reenan, why didn't you stop them? Look at them! They look like they could fly just by flapping their arms like humming birds..."
Jennea: ...That would be incredibly useful...

* Jennea bounces! As much as the banded mail will allow.*

Dagero: (Put him against a apple tree. and BAM you have fruit. The vibrating ranger is also useful in the bedroom. All yours for 4 payments of 12.95!)

* Reenan pulls a torch out from his bag.... He concentrates on it as he walks, slowing his step... After a moment, it smolders, then snaps alight.
Jennea: .......
Jennea: o_o
Niklaus: ...
* Niklaus makes a note to NEVER piss Reenan off

* Jennea wonders just what it is about her that attracts men of other races...*
Magsmaster: (Reid, Dag, the Gnome...)
Jennea: (Indeed. Scary.)
Dagero: (reid is human ;_;. Its the banded mail, it misleads XD)
Magsmaster: (But he has the "jerk" subtype.)
Jennea: (It's an inherited template.)
Dagero: (he's a stud ;_;)
Magsmaster: (Gold coinage compensates for a lot, I guess...)
Dagero: (TAMMY WOULD ARGUE YOU THAT.)
Magsmaster: (Tammy was only after his coin purse.)
Dagero: (shank that bitch ;____;)

Magsmaster: (Make listen checks)
Dagero: (12 even with the extra alertness feat ><)
Jennea: (16 modded)
Reenan: (21 modded.)
Niklaus: (18 total)
Magsmaster: *Nobody hears anything.*
Reenan: *That was pointless.*
Dagero: (I'VE GONE DEAF!)
Magsmaster: *A lot of really powerful monsters have really high Move Silently modifiers. :D*
Reenan: *Damn you!*

Magsmaster: *The ogre zombie lets out a horrid moan as the blow cuts deeply into its stomach, releasing the foul stench of rotting flesh.*
Jennea: *ewwwwww ;_;*
Reenan: (****ing undead monsters! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH! SCREW YOU!)

* Dagero curses as he aims high of his friends, as not to hit them with a arrow. He lets go...(15+4-4)
Magsmaster: (Roll damage!)
Niklaus: (I missed by -1-)
Niklaus: (-1-)
Niklaus: (;_x)
Magsmaster: (*pats*)
Dagero: (big guy is easy to hit, and the elf is the better archer ;_;)
Niklaus: (Like HELL he is ;_;)
Dagero: (didn't really miss...you just throw like a girl)

Magsmaster: *He sees a maiden in a simple dress huddled behind the stone box, her long hair hanging over her face as she cries to herself. Her colors are muted and gray, and her form is... transluscent...*
Niklaus: ...*the ghost from before..*
* Niklaus .. kneels down..*
* Reenan raises a brow, watching Nik...*
Niklaus: What's wrong?
Dagero: (if something's strange in the neighborhood..who you gonna call? GHOST BUSTERS...or Nik...)
Jennea: (Damn you Sib. You got that song stuck in my head.)

* Niklaus smiles..* "Before we go.. can I ask you a question?"
Magsmaster: *She nods.* "Certainly."
Jennea: ("Are you evil? Just, y'know, making sure.")
Niklaus: (I'd think Jen would know if the ghost is evil)
Niklaus: (what with.. you know.. DETECT EVIL EYE BEAMS)

Magnus: The funny thing is, earlier today she was scared of me.
Magnus: My immediate thought: "Yeah, like that's gonna last."

Gelgameth: And in Gelendan people aren't so well informed about venereal diseases... Though Rijel might learn when his wang falls off
Snowfox: *SNRK*
December: "It burns when I pee. ;_; WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME, WOMAN?!"
Snowfox: "I dunno, but it can't be worse than SETTING MY STEPMOTHER ON FIRE!"
Snowfox: "WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER ABOUT HER BURNING SENSATION, HUH?"

Magnus: well, I imagine the same stats would apply. Wolves is wolves, generally...
Gelgameth: Yeah XD
Gelgameth: Only difference is the one I've got in the file is a girl
Magnus: ...hm. I didn't think Nik was quite that lonely...
Gelgameth: Og kcuf fles-ruoy

* HyperCrankyfox ponders a half-dragon sorceress.
Magnus: With the power to kill a yak... from two hundred yards away... WITH MIND BULLETS.
Magnus: That's telekinesis, Kyle.

Gelgameth: ...Oh yeah. I still need to make d20 stats for the Katamari Damacy characters
December: ......
Magnus: ...
Gelgameth: It'll be fun because they're not quantifiable XD
Gelgameth: King of All Cosmos, size: HOLY CRAP
Gelgameth: Strength: I dare you to arm wrestle him
Gelgameth: Challenge Rating: You're kidding, right?
Gelgameth: *wins at geek*

Emerald: "Damned mind readers. Reading my mind. I'll show them." *CENSORED* "AAAAAUUUGH!"

Gelgameth: Once you break level 10, you are a god among men
December: Until you fight a tarrasque.

Magnus: agh, that's right. I keep thinking a normal party number is four. :/ Eh, I'll just keep that in mind...
Gelgameth: Four is a normal party number
Magnus: ... I meant five
Magnus: I AM ALSO A RETARD.
Astunen: chicks dig retards :P
Snowfox: We do :D *chews Mags*

Magsmaster: *The next morning Reid awakens after a very satisfying night. For him, anyway.*
Snowfox: (Burn!)
Emerald: [...that is the best way to start an anything ever]

Magsmaster: *He hears an owl hooting off to his left*
Reid: (night already?)
Emerald: [Jen promptly cleaves it in twain.]

* Reid he draws the horse a bit closer before calling out to it. "Come out and be known!"
Magsmaster: *he hears someone muttering in a deep voice "Oh crud." Then louder:* "Uh, nobody here but us squirrels!"

Magsmaster: *An orc in garish neon orange armor jumps out of the bushes, wielding a great axe* Arrrgh! I am Kor the merciless! Give me your money, and no harm shall come to you!
Gelgameth: (Prepare thy ass)
Emerald: [yea, verily, thou art a bizzatch, and it wereth on]

* Reid winces at the neon armor...this guy needs it...Get a whole make over, because... DAMN* "Ummm...yeah no...What prevents me from me running you down with my horse?"
Magsmaster: "I have an axe!"

* Zaph|Gok has joined #Teahouse_D&D
Gelgameth: (Watch as Reid gets a great axe stuffed up his bum)
Zaph|Gok: [....EW!]
* Zaph|Gok has left #Teahouse_D&D

Jennea: I have no patience.
Magsmaster: I know. Trust me.

Gelg|Cheesecake: She's like James Bond, but perky and inneffectual

Magsmaster: if Gold, Silver, and Bronze dragons are the only ones who have shapechanging abilities... how WOULD you get a half human half copper dragon?
Snow|OhGoAway: Polymorph spell.
Magsmaster: Oh, sure, take all the fun out of it.

Snow|OhGoAway: ...She was born to a dragon mother.
Gelg|Cheesecake: ..Woo.. did her mother even know how it happened?

Magsmaster: Technically, copper dragons are one of the smaller varieties, so a human male COULD give one hot sexxings...
Gelg|Cheesecake: A young one.
Magsmaster: Is this loli?

Snow|OhGoAway: Are you capable of doing something not just to be a pervert?
Magsmaster: Yes.
Snow|OhGoAway: ........
Snow|OhGoAway: *wee girl brain asplode*
Gelg|Cheesecake: Doesn't the ammount of faith she have in you just inspire?

Magnus: *Kor lets out a godawful scream and rushes at Reid, slashing at him with his axe. The weapon hits him in the side with a thud, failing to penetrate his armor at all.*
Magnus: "... don't get cocky! It's just the first blow!"

* Reid sets Nomer off on a trot for the up coming town. Now that he thinks about it, he hasn't eaten all day.*
Snowfox: (Much to Tammy's dismay)
Magnus: (you guys wanna try and finish the crypt toni- *PPFFFFTTTT!!!*)

Gelgameth: (I need to prove Klaus' manliness!)
Snowfox: (Far, far too late.)

Magnus: *About forty feet ahead of them the tunnel seems to have caved in, and standing before the pile of loose boulders stands a tall, gaunt creature wielding a crude club, poking at what look like piles of black cloth on the floor.*
Dagero: (the piles of black cloth need our help! Kill it!)

Jennea: (Lemme guess, we go after the zombie)
Magnus: (you do)
Jennea: (We suck at initiative)
Magnus: (No just you.)
Magnus: (everyone else goes first)
Jennea: (.......)
Magnus: (except you)
Jennea: (*SMITE*)
Magnus: (Aaaaiieee!)
Jennea: (I sure went first then.)

* Dagero pulls another arrow back, and grunts as he has to aim high as not to poke Reen in the butt with a arrow. (14 modded)*
Magnus: *The arrow pokes Reen in the butt anyway!*

* Dagero follows behind. Do we really need to be rewarded for doing the right thing?*
Jennea: *Of course not, but how do you argue with a ghost?*
Dagero: (kill yourself and argue)

Dagero: (Reid could save the world, give a hand to a little old lady across the street, solve world hunger, and give the mathmatical solution to space travel...and he would still be group enemy #1 ;_;)
Magnus: (He LIT her ASS.)

* Reenan picks up the two gold necklaces, examining them, running his fingers across the opals...* "... They'd be prettier if they were silver... Or platinum!"
Niklaus: ...
* Reenan pauses... Did he just say that out loud?*

Jennea: *as long as he doesn't grab her ass or hump her leg, she DOESN'T CARE*

Magnus: ("And you really are a queen. I mean you're not just homosexual you really are a flaming queen, a malicious perverter of little boys.")

Ing
2006-04-20, 09:37 PM
"Horray, to celebrate I punt the Halfling over the horizon"

Ing
2006-04-20, 09:43 PM
(after having a party memeber have INT damage and reduced to a babbling idiot)
Wizard: well now what do we do?
Sorceror: Let's make him eat a bag of holding and see what happens....
wizard:......
Sorcerer: Something i always wondered about.
wizard: that's attrocious
sorcerer: how bout your portable hole then?
Wizard: meh, sure why not

Foeofthelance
2006-04-20, 09:52 PM
Out of curiosity, what does happen when one eats bag of holding?

From the top:

"I'll cut your heart out with a kender!"

"Bleach the hippies!"

“The kender crits…with a book. Oh, and it’s a plus one tome.”

“The pen is mightier then the sword, and so is my book!”

“Did you just tell Palin Majere that an amulet of an evil god was pimpin’?”

“Random pieces of belly button are not evil. It may disturb some people, but its not evil.”

“Give cake to the pink hair!”

“Ah they smashed Big Ben!”----”Guess they’ll just have to make it digital now.”

“There is no such thing as a random chicken. Every chicken has its place.”

Foeofthelance
2006-04-20, 10:08 PM
"Great, the necromancer just started the career's of every 1st level NPC in Waterdeep!"

The result of my level five necromancer unleashing skeletal rabbits upon Waterdeep in response to finding a missing vampire lord. Every once in a while on got squished, so it was decided they were killed off by level 1 adventurers as a first quest.

Ing
2006-04-20, 10:19 PM
good question to put up in a nother post...i'll be right on it

JMalone
2006-04-21, 12:12 PM
About two years ago I was in a one-shot adventure about a group of low-to-mid level heroes trapped in a magical prison somewhat similar to the prison in the movie "Cube", in that it was trapped heavily and the rooms shifted about.

I was playing a sorceror who had escaped his cell by bashing down the door with my cellmate, an Elf Druid. Running through the halls while eluding the few guards, I ducked into a sort of chapel and was ambushed by some kobolds who were servants or something. Knowing Draconic, I started speaking to them trying to get them on my side.

<Nail (Me)>: Hey don't attack!
<Kobolds> Why not? It is our job to keep prisoners from escaping!
<Nail>: Well I'm a powerful sorceror, related distantly to... uh... a great dragon! So you should bow down and worship! (Passed a knowledge check about kobolds but failed a bluff check to get them to help me)
<Kobolds> Bull****! You don't look like a dragon! And you can't do magic while inside the prison! So why should we help you?
<Nail> Uh... I'll give you a cookie! (No diplomacy, but rolled a natural 20 on a charisma check and that was the best I could think of for a response.)
<Lead Kobold> ...coooookie?
<Other Kobolds> COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!

It should be noted that it was about 4 o'clock in the morning and my DM at the time wasn't the least bit sane. Hence why I escaped the prison with an army of insane, cookie-demanding kobolds.

Maxymiuk
2006-04-21, 03:00 PM
As with the previous post, it was during a 4am game. The system was Warhammer FR, and the group just killed some snotlings.

One thing to point out, this doesn't translate perfectly, since the language wasn't English. But it went something like this.

Dwarf: "Ok boys, looks like we're done here."
Elf: "I violate the bodies."
Everyone: :o
Me (ooc): *falls over laughing*
Elf: "I've meant descrate! Desecrate!"

Gyrfalcon
2006-04-22, 05:14 AM
violating them *is* a form of desecration. He's not helping his cause.

Lets see...

Me: *Kyris pokes the sandwich, finding the wholesome and fresh food out of place in the corrupted house*
DM: *Suddenly, the olive blinks and it leaps forward, snapping its crust down on Kyris' finger. (1 damage dealt)
Me: *Kyris screams and raises his hand high and then smashes it down with all his force on the counter.
DM: *The sandwich creature instantly disintagrates into black goo. (And you hit it so hard all its children died too.)
Me: (Whoo!)

Jarl
2006-04-22, 07:42 AM
"I'm Roj, the paladin!"
"I'm Therel, the mage."
"I'm Keruy, the barbarian."
"I'm Knell, the thief."
"...i'm batman."

"Can I use my Rope Use to 'Tarzan' across the hall on the rope?"
"No."
"Then I caste invisibility, then haste, then I let go of the rope."

A player in a far previous game (possibly more than ten years ago) was fighting some kind of giant robot. It had a nuclear reactor that was about to meltdown. The player was almost out of spells and attacks.
"I... I... uh... I cast... sh*t, I cast planeshift!"
*DM opens "Deities and Demigods", flips to a random page*
"The robot disappears from view with a loud crack."
"Yes! I saved the world!"
"In a distant plane of existence, the robot reappears in midair. And lands in the lap of Zeus."
"Hell."
"And you kill a pantheon of gods in a single blow."
"... Yes! Bring on da XP!"
It was 1st ed. What can we say?

"My mage starts bustin rhymes."

The thief finds a wish coin while searching with the paladin.
"Alright! About damn time, too! I wish for one thousand-"*paladin smacks him and takes the coin* "dammit!"

"I notice... while playing, we take on aspects of our characters."
"Hey, you're right. Like Eric becomes highly immoral."
"Brian gets stupider (if possible)."
"Roland's nose gets bigger."

DM: The battle is over. The Orc leader is slumped on the ground, his intestines laying around him like a squid. The legion has been decimated. You are now free to loot about Greyhawk.
Me: I look for anything that looks interesting.
DM: There's a book and the ground and... *rolls, looks up a random manual* a scroll, and a scimitar, and a battleaxe.
Me: I pick up the book (obviously).
DM: And then what?
Me: I open it.
DM: The book explodes open, revealing a six foot tall illusion of a black robed figure, lined with red and slightly transparent (This is the BBEG). He has three gleaming metal fingers on each hand, and he gestures wildly with them as he shouts in some harsh, alien language. This continues for three minutes before the image disappears and the book slams shut.
((This is, of course, the plot hook for what comes next. We will now have to take it to someone who can translate it for us so we can learn what it says.))
Me: Whew. Seems important. OK, I open the scroll.
DM: It's a scroll of... *rolls, random manual, rolls again, opens to certain page, rolls again* Tongues. Oh f**k me running.

-Hah. Hah.

Maxymiuk
2006-04-24, 02:11 AM
violating them *is* a form of desecration. He's not helping his cause.


As I said, it doesn't translate all that well. In my second language, the two words sound very similar, which accounted for much of the hilarity.

Magnus_Samma
2006-04-24, 04:56 AM
Because nobody asked for it, but you all know you want it...

This batch comes from a session where the players rolled up some higher level characters to playtest a new beast I created called the Crimson Orb Guardian... or COG, for short.

... I really need to come up with a different name...

Emerald: ["Heel! Heel!" *SPLAT* "...heal."]

Swithin: (How big is the COG?)
Magsmaster: (He's Huge.)
Emerald: ["No, seriously, what size category is he?" "He's HUGE!"]

Mirela: T-rex: *RAWR!*
Swithin: *Idril empties her bladder into the ethereal plane*

Magsmaster: *The orb guardian lets out a roar as the TRex bites into his shoulder, retalliating with one, two, three, and four great swipes of his huge blade, splattering its blood all over the ground (115 dmg)*
Swithin: (...Dude.)
Mirela: (Jesus O_O)

* Mirela gets even more pissed at that. What IS it with this thing and her beasts?! Gesturing sharply again, a few words and suddenly the COG's immediate area is filled with vicious lines of fire. (Fire Storm)*
Magsmaster: *The orb guardian just sits there and looks at her, the fire doesn't seem to bother him at all.*
Mirela: *Jerk*
Swithin: (..I THOUGHT it was fire based.)
Mirela: (...THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN USEFUL TO KNOW)
Swithin: (It's got a big red orb in its tummy ;_;)

Swithin: (Luckily, I've got a few tricks up my sleeves against fire types..)
Mirela: (I've... er, got... Baleful Polymorph)
Mirela: (I'll turn him into a grape.)

Mirela: (Gelg's DnD penis is bigger than mine :<)

Magsmaster: (Okay! The druid's turn!)
Mirela: (Druid's in a corner, crying over how much she sucks XD)
December: (*pets the druidess*)

Mirela: (Does he make his reflex save?)
Magsmaster: (does 36 work?)
Mirela: (Easy)
Swithin: (I'm beginning to suspect this guys saves are a little on the good side)

Magsmaster: (The Trex did some damage too, and prevented him from killing anyone important)
Mirela: (The Trex was important :<)

Swithin: (I'm ASSUMING the COG is menaced by the lantern Archon, unless it makes a DC 12 Will save, anyway, it blasts away with its light rays 14 touch)
Mirela: ("OMFG IT'S A BALL OF LIGHT ONOES")
Swithin: (If the COG fails its save it takes -2 to AC, attack and saves until it hits the archon)
Magsmaster: (Uh... a DC -12- will save?)
Swithin: (.. yeah ;_;)
Magsmaster: (I think he can make that... *checks* Yeah. He made it.)

Magsmaster: (light rays hit, though)
Swithin: (2 that ignores damage reduction)
Magsmaster: (aaaand that kills him)
Magsmaster: (no, I'm kidding)
Mirela: (You bastard ;_;)

Magsmaster: (seriously, a Lantern Archon? wtf?)
Swithin: (I shoulda gone for the giant owl, huh? XD)
Swithin: (Course, I wanted the archon cause it's more of a distraction XD)
Swithin: (And it has a magic circle against evil around it...)
Magsmaster: (The COG is neutral)
Swithin: (damn!)

Magsmaster- (I guess Trillian and Emerald's nameless character would start out where the others did... which is right about where COG is right now, so)
Magsmaster- (... I need a name for him that makes a better acronym)

* Tekim strides calmly out towards the beast, giving a few guttural sounds and waving his hand at the opponents of the beast. [Cure Serious Wounds, 31 healing to all good guys within 25 feet, which should be all PCs]*
Magsmaster: (everyone who's good aligned, or everyone who's not evil aligned?)
Tekim: [Just heals 'em all.]
Mirela: (.....I AM GOING TO KILL YOU)

Trillian: (Hey Em.... I dare ya to get up closer to the monster. :D)
Tekim: [...No more healing for any of you.]
Tekim: [F'ing ingrates.]

Tekim: [Could we kill the guardian, and not find ways to make Em a fifth wheel?]
Magsmaster: (We're not -trying- to make you a fifth wheel, YOU HEALED THE MONSTER XD)

Magsmaster: (Gelg, try to hurt him)
Magsmaster: (the monster, not Tekim)

* Tekim advances on the guardian, and he attempts to bop it with his shield. *[Melee touch attack, 27 to hit.]
Magsmaster: (... you... bopped him... with your shield?)

Tekim: [That totally isn't a part of the game experience, if only because most D&D players tend to smell like cheetos.]
Mirela: (..........What?)

Mirela: ...And OMFG I FORGOT SHE CAN SPIT ACID.
Mirela: GODDAMNIT.

feral
2006-04-24, 10:47 AM
Magnus Samma, you should have your own thread for this stuff, dude.

Umael
2006-04-24, 11:10 PM
(Oh, good, time to read Magnus Samma's newest edition.)

(*sit down*)
(*scan*)
(*scan*)
(*scan*)

(Ah, there it is!)

(?)
(???)
(!)
(!!!)

What the freckled demon-spotted cat-yowling-by-the-throat monstrousity?!?

Where's the update?
Where's the newest adventures of Dame Glowing-Pants?
Where's the gnome-lovin'?

I've been looking forward to this, and I get an arena-battle with an over-done wind-me-up imitiation of Shiva?

Dang it, Magnus, you let me down!
I want blood! I want drunken rangers! I want goblins afraid and sexual allusions! And while you're at it, an encore with the pube-shaving dragon!

You owe it to your fans!!!

snowfox090
2006-04-24, 11:16 PM
Umael, I just laid down and laughed until my entire body hurt.

Oh God, our game has fans now.

;D

Magnus_Samma
2006-04-24, 11:33 PM
Well, since you actually did demand it this time...

The first part of this post is another sidegame, because I had the quotes ready and don't want to waste them, but I'll post some more stuff from the Arthanelas game afterwards!

* Bearach is a man of moderate height, wearing a tan duster, a white wide-brimmed hat, vest, and leather boots. He actually looks rather out of place in the medieval environs*
Bearach: *But strangely... RIGHT in the desert*

Daerzoth: *A pair of orcs lounge in front of the door, looking a bit sleepy in the noonday sun.*
Bearach: Oh excuse me. We're the exterminators you asked for.
Orb: ...
Daerzoth: *the orcs blink*
Orc1: We didn't call for any exterminators...
Orc2: What if they did? They don't tell us anything.
Orc1: Because there's nothin' in there to exterminate, you moron!
Bearach: No, no. I'm pretty sure we were called in about a bat problem.
* Orb raises a brow.*
Orc2: You see? I TOLD you there were bats in there!
Bearach: (I rock)
Orc1: ... shut up. Just. Shut up.
Orc1: Alright, fine, my "buddy" here is gonna go ask about you "exteriminators." So you two just sit tight until he gets back.
Orc2: Why do -I- have to go?
Orc1: Because you're a frickin' idiot!
*Orc2 grumbles as he opens the door and heads inside.*
* Bearach mutters something under his breath, and makes some subtle gestures while they argue.. Something should be waiting for him on the other side of the door*
Daerzoth: *I'm afraid to ask...*
Bearach: (Casting summon swarms, summoning a bat swarm on the other side of the door)
* Orb tightens his grip on the hilts of his shortswords, just about ready to break the charade...*
Daerzoth: *The orc rushes back out and runs away, screaming like a terrified little girl and chased by a swarm of shrieking bats.*
* Bearach whistles*
Bearach: That's a lot of 'em. We should've brought back-up, eh, partner?
* Orb just stares.* .... Yeah... Right.
Daerzoth: *Orc1 just sits there and stares after his comrade, jaw hanging open in shock.*
Orc1: Uh... I... I guess... you can come in now...

Bearach: (once more, 12 out-helpfuls me)
Daerzoth: (*snrk*)
Orb: (I'm just that good.)
Bearach: (My D&D penis is still meatier)
Orb: (This is true.)
Bearach: (Juicy too)

Daerzoth: *The orc calls out:* Hey guys! The exterminators are here!
Bearach: *oh crap*

* Bearach grits his teeth and gets ready to lie his ass off*
* Orb hangs his head. Maybe he shoulda just killed them, after all. Damned mages. Trying to be so clever.*
Bearach: *I ALMOST rock*

* Bearach has the situation TOTALLY under control, REALLY! He's NOT surrounded by five smelly men who are each about twice his size! No!*

Daerzoth: *Bugbear1 rolls his eyes, puts a meaty arm around Bugbear2's neck, and leads him away. They hold a whispered conversation, and then return, Bugbear2 looking as though he's just had an epiphany.*
Bearach: *it never means ANYTHING good, when a goblin has that look.*
Orb: *Nope. Not usually.*

Bearach: (DAMNIT. GIVE ME MY GOOD ROLLS BACK)
Orb: (HAHA)
Bearach: (You're mean! And you smell of wee!)

Daerzoth: *Bear stabilizes.*
Daerzoth: *Good Orb. Have a cookie.*
Orb: *Yay cookie*

Daerzoth: (You find two dozen copper pieces, ten silver, four gold, a small stone carving, and a scroll with a picture of a naked female Bugbear posing lewdly.)
Orb: ........... Can you cast another fireball, please?
Bearach: Nnnno. Not right now, sorry
Orb: *mutters* When you can, cast it on my eyes, please.

Daerzoth: (Wow, that Balor got a natural 20 on his Move Silently check...)
Daerzoth: (... crap, did I type that?)
Orb: (.... Ass.)
Daerzoth: (*halo*)

Daerzoth: *Gelg, you should make a listen check too.*
Bearach: (5)
Orb: *We're dead.*

* Orb raises a brow at the nude figure.*
Bearach: (Male? Female? Human? Dog?)
Orb: *Please don't let it be a bugbear.*

Daerzoth: *It looks like either a slender human or an elf...*
Bearach: (WIN!)

Daerzoth: (Mike Ditka's turn.)
Bearach: (...buh?)

Bearach: (So if I blow up a fireball in the monster's face.. it won't nuke orb or the girl?)
Daerzoth: (refresh my memory, what's the effect area of a fireball?)
Bearach: (20ft. radius)
Daerzoth: (Burn his fuzzy ass.)

Daerzoth: *The girl makes an "mmph" noise.*
Orb: (*whip around* "SHUT UP! WE'RE TRYING TO TALK HERE!")

Bearach: (NATURAL 1 ON MY INT CHECK TO FORMULATE A PLAN)
Orb: (WOW! Your brain just died on you, didn't it? Like... Completely shriveled up, eh?)

Magnus: (Any skill check you try to make while being rubbed on by a Nymph is +100 to DC...)

Bearach: Alright. Let's poke around and LEWT this damn place like bandits in the night!
Bearach: Except it's day!

Bearach: (How the hell DID he capture a Nymph anyway?)
Magnus: (He used to have a lot more Bugbears.)

Bearach: (Bearach has yet to put together that the sexiness hanging off of his arm is entirely more powerful than he is, btw)
Magnus: (Heh.)
Bearach: (Of course, she can't sling FIREBALLS :D)
Orb: (She doesn't need to!)
Bearach: (True, all she needs to do is take her top off)

Magnus: (See, this is precisely the opposite of what I intended to happen when I introduced a naked nymph to the adventure.)
Orb: (Oh? XD)
Magnus: (Bear poking Orb in the butt was the last thing on my mind.)
Orb: (........)

* Bearach casts arcane sight on himself!*
Magnus: *You can't use that to look at the Nymph's boobs.*
Bearach: (DAMNIT)

Magnus: *The Nymph mutters another incantation, and a white glow soothes Orb's wounds again. (10 hp)*
Bearach: (*grr!*)
* Orb really wishes people would stop touching him against his wishes.*
Bearach: (DUDE)
Bearach: (I didn't know Orb was gay)
Orb: (Yes, she's a nymph. Orb is -not- gay. He just knows better. And he's working. XD)
Bearach: (Gaaayyyy)
Orb: (Not gay!)
Bearach: (Aaaasexuaaall)
Orb: (..... )
Bearach: (Euuuunuch)
Orb: (..... You can stop, now.)
Bearach: (But will I?)
Orb: (No?)
Bearach: (That's where you're wrong!)
Orb: (.... I WIN!)

Magnus: (You have dealt with things that no lv. 5 character was ever meant to)
Magnus: (I was calculating exp with the srd calculator and it was like "difficult... difficult... overwhelming... HOLY ****, DUDE.")

Gelgort: And Bearach got laid big time
Gelgort: He'll be out for like.. a month
Magnus: He got laid like a mofo. XD
Gelgort: THAT WAS HIS MOM!?

Aaaaand now back to the good stuff.

* Rok_Sarinasch feels something isn't right, but can only point out Jen among the crowd...*
Magnus: "That's her? The one with the chest?"
Rok_Sarinasch: ...yes.
Jennea: (...)
Reenan: (XD)
Jennea: (It's her only defining feature.)

Magnus: "Good." *He draws a crossbow and fires. The bolt takes her in the back of the throat and drops her to the ground as a choking, spasming corpse.*
Jennea: (Thanks Rok! You're a real pal. *smite!*)

* Rok_Sarinasch contemplates telling her his dream.*
Rok_Sarinasch: [But his worry is: "I had a dream about you!" "...YOU LITTLE PERVERSE--" *smitey*]

Niklaus_Jaeger: (Actually, through a temporal anomaly, for those momments he simply didn't exist, never had existed, and never would exist. He's back to existing again.)
Jennea: (OMG DnD theoretical physics)
Magnus: (*Makes it so.*)

* Reenan gives Klaus a swift boot to the shin under the table.*
Niklaus_Jaeger: Ow.
Niklaus_Jaeger: Yes, yes. I'm good to go.

* Dagero ears twitch as his hand wipes out a arrow, and nocks. Better safe then sorry. His eyes start scanning around. Monty assumes position in his bag.*
Jennea: (*has a horrible image of a ferret bent over presenting*)

Magnus: *the flapping noises stop*
Jennea: (...I read that as 'The fapping noises stop')
Magnus: (You would.)

* Jennea has entirely too many males hugging her leg at any one point in time o_o*

* Dagero slowly pulls out a recently acquired scroll. His ears strain to hear anything from the imp.*
Emerald: [What scroll?]
Niklaus: (See Invisiblity)
Magnus: *let me know when he's reading it*
* Dagero he starts casting. Going through all the motions, and words the scroll entails.*
Magnus: *The scroll does not, in fact, have a spell on it, actually.*
Magnus: *There's something written on it, but it's really small and hard to see...*
Reenan: (........... Oh, damn it.)
Niklaus: (... Roll reflex.)
Jennea: (Oh dear.)
Reenan: (Got my die ready.)
Emerald: [*TWITCH.*]
Magnus: *Something that says "Explosive Runes." And then everything just goes to hell...*

Rok_Sarinasch: Next time...we sleep in...

Dagero: Do I roll for monty...or...assume he's safe?
Magnus: eh, assume he's safe. I don't wanna kill your weasel
Dagero: XD
Magnus: ... that sounds wrong

Jennea: (I just threw up a goddamn lung)
Niklaus: (O_O! Are you OK?)
Jennea: (I think I ate something bad at dinner)
Dagero: (cancer?)
Jennea: (...I hope YOU get cancer. PUPPET CANCER.)

* Jennea limps over to check on The Gnome. Sigh.*
Magnus: *The Gnome blinks at her.* Did he screw that up or -what-?

Niklaus: Jen, are you carrying a tent?..
Dagero: (REID HAD ONE XD)
Magnus: (That ass.)

* Niklaus smiles, "I'll make due. I've slept in a stream before with leeches on my knees."
Jennea: ...I have no meaningful comeback, so I'll just say 'So?'

Dagero: (dog is licking my keyboard XD)
Niklaus: (Awww)
Dagero: 000000(f0cker0 is chew000ing0 it n0ow O.O)
Niklaus: (... And doing some damage!)
Rok_Sarinasch: [O_ o]
Niklaus: (That'll teach you to smother your keyboard in beef jerky)

Niklaus: (FF time!)
Magnus: *FF to the next morning?*
Niklaus: (sure!)
Magnus: *The birdies are chirping like whoa.*

Reenan: (So, they did stay the two nights, then?)
Niklaus: (Pretty much had to. reenan and Dag weren't mobile)
Reenan: (Eh. Reenan was, pretty much.)
Jennea: (Well now he's REALLY mobile)
Magnus: (He's like a cell phone.)
Reenan: (.......)
Jennea: (Can you hear him now? Good!)

* Reenan is undertunicless! And his upper torso is wrapped in linens. And it's very visible as he sits up wearily... Oversleeping isn't always a good thing.*
Rok_Sarinasch: [...ew]
Jennea: (........Wtf. Why is he wrapped up?)
Magnus: ('cause he's really a mummy!)
Reenan: (He's a leper.)
Niklaus: (Because he's a she and he was binding his breastios)
Jennea: (Oh yeah.)
Reenan: (.... I hate you guys.)

Ing
2006-04-25, 01:22 AM
PUPPET CANCER!!!!!
BEST OBSCURE REFRENCE EVER

jmaccabeus
2006-04-25, 01:25 AM
Bearach: (NATURAL 1 ON MY INT CHECK TO FORMULATE A PLAN)
Orb: (WOW! Your brain just died on you, didn't it? Like... Completely shriveled up, eh?)

"My brain broke!"

(Ah, references from earlier in the thread...)

snowfox090
2006-04-25, 02:07 AM
PUPPET CANCER!!!!!
BEST OBSCURE REFRENCE EVER


YES! PUPPET ANGEL FTW!

ExHunterEmerald
2006-04-25, 03:19 PM
Oh my god, we really ARE internet famous now.
...awesome!

kingofthesofas
2006-04-25, 04:14 PM
"oh I like dice with white numbers there allways lucky for me,"
Rolls a nat 1,
"It's ok the luck will work on the next roll"
rolls nat 2

ChaotikLawfull
2006-04-28, 11:50 AM
Thinly veiled bump because I do not want this source of random laughter to die out.

Foeofthelance
2006-04-28, 03:37 PM
"Oh my god the midgets are invading!"
"Dude, shut up, they already won."
"...I slept in this morning didn't I?"

Magnus_Samma
2006-05-03, 05:35 PM
I don't think I need any introduction by this point...

* Niklaus has just finished playing nurse maid to the exploded peoples.*
* Jennea is slowly becoming less gimpy, thanks to Nik.*

Niklaus: Ah, welcome to the land of the living!
* Niklaus and Reenan are involved in KINKY KINKY GAY SEX*

Jennea: ("I strongly suggest we focus more on not bleeding internally than plotting revenge.")

Magsmaster: *The Gnome is surrepterously watching Jan's backside while she helps Dagero*
Jennea: *Warrior, nursemaid, gnomish sex object... A paladin may be all these things, and more.*

Magsmaster: *The Gnome suddenly starts dancing and singing.* "This is the song that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on my friend, some people, started singin' it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because..."
Jennea: .................
Reenan: Stop singing that, please.
Magsmaster: *He stops.*
Reenan: Thank you.
* Jennea thinks she may love Reenan a little now. o_o*

Reenan: (Alright. I'll be back. I'm gonna go spend a few minutes on the porcelain throne.)
Daerzoth: (have fun with that)
Reenan: (Oh, I most certainly will. It's an adventure every time, I tell ya.)
Rok_Sarinasch: [Make a fortitude check for kidneystones.]

Jennea: Incidentally, would you happen to be Father Soren?
Magsmaster: "Hmm? Yes, yes in fact I would be. You've heard of me?"
* Jennea smiles warmly.* "My mentor told me tales of you."
Magsmaster: "Really! And whom might that be?"
Jennea: (...I never wrote his name down XD)
Jennea: (I pulled some name out of my ass once, and now I can't remember it. Dammit.)
Reenan: (*pats* Make another one up.)
Jennea: ("I don't know, he insisted I call him only 'Daddy'...")

Jennea: (Okay, everyone! Let's play 'Name That Mentor'!)
Magsmaster: (Hammerdong.)
Jennea: (NO NOT HAMMERDONG)
Magsmaster: (What's wrong with Hammerdong?)
Jennea: (..............Hon, I love you, but you are WRONG IN THE HEAD)
Magsmaster: (You just figured this out now? :D)

* Dagero too busy playing his stretch hamster.*
Dagero: (WITH!)
Niklaus: (...I dunno if that's any better)
Reenan: (*chokes on a piece of popcorn chicken*)

* Niklaus pulls out a sack and hands it to Jen. It's heavy and clinks a little.*
* Jennea raises a brow as she accepts it...*
Rok_Sarinasch: ["It's my bottlecap collection :D"]

Dagero: *Any shop that looks like they dabble in magical items.*
Magsmaster: *There's a number of shops that look as though they might traffic in such items.*
Dagero: *...chooses the one that looks like it dabbles in -JEWELRY- based magic items.*
Magsmaster: *There's a place with a sign that features a jewel surrounded by blue fire. That could be it.*
Jennea: (Dude, he found a medieval De Beers.)

* Dagero walks up to the counter, and pulls out the two items. He gently puts both of them on the counter* "Hello!."
Magsmaster: "Ah, hello there! How can I help you?"
* Dagero points at the two items* "can I get these items identified, please?"
Rok_Sarinasch: ["That's a ring, that's a necklace. That'll be 3,000 gold." "...this is a temp job, then?"]

Reenan: (there are some powers just like Mage Armor that don't stack with armor.)
Magsmaster: (*nodnods*)
Reenan: (Like Inertial Armor... Reenan may as well be running around nekkid if he's using that.)

Magsmaster: "See this necklace? This is an ancient Necklace of Lordly Might and Splendor! When you break the bead off, it instantly transforms you into an all-powerful warrior with an -enormous-... sword..."
Rok_Sarinasch: [o_O]
Reenan: (...)
Jennea: (Get your money back. Now.)
Reenan: (Haha. Snow wants that.)

* Dagero gathers the gem and necklace. He backs out of the shop* "Now that you mention it, it is a gorgeous gem. My girl would love it."
Magsmaster: "Perhaps she would also be interested in one of the fine engagement rings I have on sale?"
Dagero: No. This should be enough to get her in the sack for a week or two. Maybe I will come back then. *Leaves the shop. Obiviously that elf was raised by greedy humans.*

Magsmaster: *The dwarf sitting at the counter is looking very intently at a large ruby, one of those lens thingies that you always see jewelers use stuck in his eye.*
* Dagero pops his head into the shop, but doesn't step all the way in. He just looks at the items on sale.*
Magsmaster: "Mmmmhmmm.... Hmmmm.... oh yeah..."
Rok_Sarinasch: [...*Dag sliiiiiiiides back out in stark terror*]
Jennea: (Dude, dwarves have -interesting- fantasy lives.)

Magsmaster: "Yes. This is the mark of Medea, the Scimmia of healing. You know what a Scimmia is, don't you?"
Dagero: (sure I do. but for the benefit of our players please fill them in.)
Niklaus: (Yes, yes of course. You take it for a bad cough, right?)
Dagero: (YES. Good news though...since we thought ahead and figured your throat would be swollen... it's a suppository!)
Jennea: (...I'd rather die.)

Magsmaster: *He hands it back.* "I can't buy this, it's a holy thing. Wouldn't do to trade it for money."
Dagero: (WWWWWWWUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.)

Magsmaster: (You don't want to piss off the queen of the universe's cat. XD)
Jennea: (NO. BAD ELF. No calling down the wrath of immortal... cat... mouse... hamster things.)

* Dagero leaves the shop*
Magsmaster: *After he does so, a dwarf woman's head pops up from under the counter.* "Surprised you, did he?"

Magsmaster: "I'd suggest a gelding if I were you miss. They're much more even-tempered after their knackers've been whacked off."

* Jennea finally stops in front of a strawberry roan gelding, reaching up to stroke his nose softly...*
Jennea: "All right, I'll take him then. Has he been named yet?"
Magsmaster: "We call 'im Longjohn, but you can train him to answer to a new name easy."
Jennea: ...
Jennea: *not asking* All right. *pays the man!*
Magsmaster: (You have a dirty mind.)
Jennea: (And so do you.)
Reenan: ("*Flop-WHAM!*" "... O_O What was that?" ".... I think he -really- likes you.")

Magsmaster: *Congratulations. You now have a horsey.*
Jennea: *Yay :3*

Magsmaster: *There seem to be two jewelry shops, one with the emblem of a diamond surrounded by blue fire, and another with the image of a jewel-encrusted hammer. There is also an apothecary, denoted by the image of a bright pink skull with daisies for eyes.*
Jennea: (...Dude. The apothecary's a deadhead.)

Magsmaster: "Hmmm... well, nothing magical about it, but it is a fine piece of craftmanship... good quality jewel, too. I'd say it's worth about twelve hundred in gold."
* Reenan 's eyes widen.* "... For that?"
Jennea: ("I think I need new breeches. ;_;")

Magsmaster: "Hmmm... I feel... smarter... yes... more intelligent... I do believe this is a potion of cunning. Fox's cunning, if I am not mistaken."
Magsmaster: *He quaffs the potion.* "Hmmm... yes... YESSS... The very secrets of the universe are MINE TO KNOW! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Dagero: Where were we last time?
Niklaus: Hiding Rok's scythe
Rok: :(
Jennea: I told you I didn't wanna play 'hide the scythe' ;_; My mentor used to play that and it wasn't fun at all.

Magsmaster: *Last time on: The Mighty Morphin' Arthanelas Rangers!*

Magsmaster: (And! I actually don't have a last name for him. Let's give him one now. I'm gonna call him Soren Dias.)
Magsmaster: (If nobody gets that pun, I might have to dock some XP... >_>)
Niklaus: (I get it, it just wasn't funny)

* Niklaus offers to sleep in a tree. He's used to it.*
Magsmaster: *The butler will not hear of this. He insist upon Niklaus using a bed like a civilized person.*
Niklaus: (Sih-vuh-lie-zed?)

Dagero: (would be nice...but quick overview would be nice ;_;)
Jennea: (We saved some witch from being killed by a mob, and this cleric guy invited us to stay at his pad)
Jennea: (Oh yeah, and a dwarf got wicked amounts of oral)

Butler: I can have baths drawn for any of you who would like one. We do have plumbing, so you can bathe indoors.
* Jennea happily takes him up on that. Cleeeean, cleeeeean.*
Niklaus: ("...How do plums help you bathe indoors?")

* Niklaus blinks a moment and sniffs his arm-pit absentmindedly. Hmm. Woodsy.*

Zaphkiel: [Niklaus attempts to start a campfire on the floor]
Jennea: (he would)
Niklaus: (Yeah... but he hasn't got any timber)
Zaphkiel: [He's got .... tapestries]
Magsmaster: ("He's got a HUGE... tapestry...")

* Jennea bathes like a mofo.*

* Niklaus washes rather efficiently and after only a couple minutes is already trying to figure out how to put on whatever impractical, fruity suit he's expected to wear to the dinner.*

Magsmaster: *Given that there's still a few hours until dinner, the guests have nothing to do but poke around and get into trouble.*
* Jennea is FAR too responsible for that. She stays in her room like a good little paladin.*

Magsmaster: *A hooded figure is seated in an easy chair in the library, studying a large book.*
Magsmaster: *The book looks like an encyclopedia of monsters, notably fiends.*
Rok: ["Oh, ****. A DM. Every player who's ever stopped and stood his ground, every player who's fought has died."]

Rok: If I may ask, sir, what is this steak?
Magsmaster: *He seems to blink.* "I was under the impression that it was beef."
Rok: ["Sir, as someone who's brought entire pastures to their delicious knees, I can tell you these are no beefs, tender though they may be."]

Niklaus: (The man HAS to be exactly what he seems)
Jennea: (Evil?)
Niklaus: (...OK, exactly what we're TOLD he is)

* Dagero takes mental note...this man could kill with his own hair. Make no maddy.*

Zaphkiel: [Someday we'll create a perfectly stable character and every tree in the world will wither and die]

Dagero: Well, someone alive and well sold me that scroll, and could have possibly have been the relative. Magic run in the family?
Magsmaster: "I believe her nephew sells manure."
Jennea: *How magical.*
Rok: [Magic manure?]
Magsmaster: (Yes. Sparkly pink manure that turns into candy.)

Magsmaster: *And then, rather abruptly, a pudgy man in a chef's hat runs in.* "Don't eat the steaks!"
Jennea: ...Why not?
Reenan: ... What's wrong with it?
Magsmaster: *The chef stares at the cleaned plates and buries his face in his hands.* "Oh no... that... wasn't beef!"
Jennea: (I KNEW IT)

Magsmaster: "I'm sorry sir, it was the new man, Pugsly. He mistook the specimen cooler for the meat locker."
Magsmaster: "... the SPECIMEN COOLER?"
Jennea: (someone's getting saaaaa-acked...)

Niklaus: What... ... did we eat?
Magsmaster: *Soren gives Klaus a look.* "Do you -really- want to know?"
Jennea: *murmur* Ignorance really -is- bliss...

Magsmaster: "Wonderful. Congratulations kids, someone's definitely trying to kill you."
Rok: ["Goddamnit, we're level two! What the HELL, hell?!"]

Rok: So...what kind of demon?
Magsmaster: "... an unpleasant one. Right now you'd probably better worry more about getting some more fluids... the antidote works partially by... putting the poisonous matter through your systems as quickly as possible... so you might be a little dehydrated by this time tomorrow. >_>"
Zaphkiel: [You poor sons of bitches.]

* Jennea wants water. Just water.*
* Rok opts for water, since it's clean and better than most in getting the works running.*
* Niklaus ... nice.. reliable, water*
Jennea: (THE WATER IS POISONED)
Rok: [WITH DEMON PEE]

Magsmaster: "I'm sorry, again, for the... inconvenience. But I'm also curious... where did you get that dress?"
Jennea: It's all right. *she frowns a little* Didn't you have your butler set it out? It was waiting on the bed when I came back from my bath.
Reenan: (It was his WIFE'S!)
Jennea: (Guess his wife was stacked)
Magsmaster: (Damnit. >_<)
Jennea: (.....If you have her dress burst I WILL END YOU)

Jennea: (Goddamnit, stop taking advantage of impressionable sheltered young women.)
Rok: [...Yeah, no.]

Foeofthelance
2006-09-23, 01:31 AM
I know threadomancy is frowned upon, but the time has come for the return of the quotes, as the games have started once more. Add your own, I'm sure you folks have plenty of new ones!

"Have you ever tried covering up with a gnome before? It doesn't work."

"You know what? With the five second delay he can get naked and we would never know."

"No matter what realm, race, nor campaign, the gnome must have his twinkies!"

"The gnome puts some gold on the table. Then he puts a cherry on top."

"You manage to spot the halfling between your legs spotting you."

"Johann your mom?"

"I'll bowman your momma."

"I use presidigitation to get the blood out of the carpet."

"Our firebreathing chicken is spilling milk."

TheOOB
2006-09-23, 01:51 AM
TheOOB's Wizards + Fire = Hilarity

"If they find us I'll just set the place on fire"

"Umm guys, I think my backpack is on fire"

"Wait, isn't that the town we torched two months ago?"

"It just occured to me that rigging a trap involving two dozen vials of alchemists fire inside of a wooden building we're in might be a bad idea"

"Think we can still get the reward money when his head is burned like that?"

"For future reference, dropping a tindertwig down a smelly hole to see whats at the bottom is a bad idea"

"I had hoped I'd never have to smell myself burning"

"For future reference, casting a fire ball in an alchemists lab is a bad idea"

"I'm going to find the person who said to fight fire with fire and immolate him"

"I'm sorry, it seems he was hit with a scorching ray...26 times"

"For future reference, casting fireball in a wine celler is a bad idea"

"Wait, didn't you say there was oil down there...no reason, but I think I'm going to go over there...now"

"One the down side, the village was burned down, on the up side, you now have several hundread acres of very fertile farmland."

"I don't care, I'll make it burn"

"Yes it's a shame they where on the drawbridge when it burned down, at least the water in the moat will cool them down...what? man-eating crocodiles, well crap"

"On the down side, there where no survivors, on the up side I cleared all the webs from the cave"

"For future reference, opening a gate to the elemental plane of fire in the town square is a bad idea"

ExHunterEmerald
2006-09-23, 03:20 AM
Totally best necromancy ever. Evil descriptor, my ass!
I hope Mags gets around to posting more quotes, 'cause our old ones still crack me up.

BakerOfBedlam
2006-09-23, 02:31 PM
Just a quick overview of our cast of characters.

DM: Me.

Sorcerer: An elf. He's somewhat xenophobic, and doesn't like humans all that much. He likes fire, though.

Paladin: A human. Generally a nice guy, but he likes to get pretty drunk, and takes the law very seriously.

Bard: A human. Former privateer, he's a thief and a rogue (not the class). Never takes anything seriously. Plays a trumpet

Paladin, after the bard has conned a merchant out of a crate of apples, gotten very seriously drunk, knocked out a stablehand, stolen a horse, and fled the city: "I punch the bard in the face." *rolls*
DM: Nice one. He's out cold, mate.
Paladin: Thank the gods. I tie him to a tree and make camp for the night.

Sorcerer, to the bard: If you want to keep playing that damn horn of yours, you had better shut your mouth, because I'm going to cut off your lips and feed them to you if you don't.
*Bard shuts up for all of a minute and a half*

Bard, to the Paladin as he's fleeing town: I'm being chased by guards! They have big sharp things! They're going to kill me! HELP ME!!
Paladin: *Pauses* *Sighs* *Mounts up* C'mon, elf. Lets go get the bard.
Sorcerer: Only if I get to hit him.
Paladin: Of course.

So yeah. The bard's a bit of an ass. But he's fun to play with, so we're cool with it.

Lord Iames Osari
2006-09-23, 05:14 PM
Bad Guy: (to party) Hah! I can easily defeat any of you in single combat!
Me: Great! We'll just gang up on you then!

TheOOB
2006-09-23, 07:37 PM
DM: You see a large white dragon clinging to icy surface of the cavern ceiling 200 ft up
Me: I cast fireball
DM: Umm, the dragon has protection from energy(fire) on, it does nothing
Me: No, not on the dragon, on the ice he's on.
DM: ...as the ice melts the dragon loses his grip and falls to the cavern floor taking *rolls dice* massive damage and dieing.
Me: I should stop killing your bosses with a single third level spell
DM: Yes, you should *Tears up the dragons stat card*

Lord Iames Osari
2006-09-23, 08:22 PM
^: Is awesome.

Jarl
2006-09-23, 11:23 PM
I was in MSN messenger, talking with my DM (Burrie) about the game we're going to be playing in NWN soon. He's telling me how to open the toolset so I can make my equipment.

Burrie: If you have time, I can run you through it. As mentioned, it's terribly easy.
Jarl: Never used it in my life
Burie: Okay. Right-o. Boot up the toolset.
Jarl: loading
Burrie: Create new module, feel free to do overall next->next->next. It'll ask you to create one area. It doesn't matter what sorta tileset you choose, just roll with it. Overall, head through the new module wizard until you're finished.
Jarl: Okay, a place has been made.
Burrie: Right, the wizard's over?
Jarl: And now I am looking at some red grids. Yep.
Burie: Excellent.
Jarl: I appear to be in a city. It is dark. I am likely to be eaten by a grue.
Burrie: Right, you're gonna get bonus XP points for that comment alone.

A Recent 2nd Ed game. Players:
Female Elf Mage (left) with a Scythe
Female Elf Cleric with a Flail
Male Half Elf Ranger with Dual Scimitars
Male Human Bard with a Whip (+4 damage)
Male Halfling Thief (later) with a dagger

(In the game where the above mentioned leaving of the mage occured...)
DM: Okay, the next morning... I guess you guys just leave her there.
Bard: Doesn't seem very polite.
Ranger: The adventuring life was just too much for her.
Cleric: You mean we'll never get to see her again?
DM: Not unless you go back to that Inn.
Bard: Wait... what if... she's coming back, right?
Ranger: She still wants to play, she just had to go.
Bard: Well, rather than have her suddenly re-appear properly leveled with no explanation when she gets here... Maybe... she's in every Inn?
Cleric: Huh?
DM: ... I think I get it... every inn you guys who up at, she's at?
Bard: In the same room in every one.
DM: Like a weapons chest.

Same game, different Inn, the DM was too tired to roleplay the room ordering service, or whatever.

DM: Okay, you just all sleep in the same room.
Ranger: Would we have to each pay individually otherwise?
DM: ... yeah, whatever.
Bard: You know what that means. There's only one bed in each room.
Cleric: Threesome!
Ranger: Whoo hoo!

Okay, this next one's weird. Please note, this behavior entirely fits the cleric and her player. This is when we first meet the Thief, played by the DM's little brother.

DM: You emerge from the tunnel battered and scarred, terrified and bleeding, and encounter a small dark figure.
Thief: Is that me?
DM: Yes, that's you. Now, what do you all do?
Cleric: I seduce him.

Bard: I attack the kobold in the lead. *rolls a nat 20* OH HELL YES MUTHA****A.
DM: Okay... uh... your attack misses.
Bard: Pardon?
DM: The whip instead unfurls right past his head and strikes the kobold that the ranger is fighting right in the neck. The blades tear into his flesh and yank his head right off his shoulders. It then smacks the kobold you were aiming for in the head for *rolls* 2 damage.
Bard: I love my whip.
DM: I will destroy it, first chance I get.

This is when the whip (1d2 regular damage, none of thus subdual wussiness) became more than just a kinky roleplaying oppurtunity but a true weapon of fear...

Bard: Alright, I want to upgrade my weapon.
DM: Uh... you can pay 10 gold to have a blade put on the whip. The blade does 1 additional damage.
Bard: How many can fit on the whip.
DM: Uh.... four.
Bard: I have four blades put on my whip.
DM: Alright... okay. Your weapon does 1d2+4 damage.
Cleric: Wait, what?
Bard: Heh. That's 5 or 6 damage.
Ranger: My scimitars do 1d6.
Cleric: My flail only does 1d4 right now.
Bard: I have the deadliest weapon in the game.
DM: I'm going to regret this.

During character creation...

Cleric: Okay, my character's 250 years old.
Mage: Mine'll be... 400.
Ranger: 60.
Bard: 21. Holy sh*t I'm young.
DM: Not quite. The elves have the wonky aging, so they're only, like, a few years older than you comparitively.
Ranger: I'm still most mature, right?
DM: Yeah, I think so. You're, like, in your late tenties, early thirties.
Bard: Still, youngest in the group. That sucks.
DM: Well, humans only lived to be about 35 back then, so...
Bard: No they didn't.
DM: Yeah they did.
Bard: No, that misconception is caused by the abnormally low average lifespan. People still lived to be, like, 65 and stuff, but there was a high infant mortality rate. If a family had, like, 9 kids, only four would live.
DM: I... guess that makes sense.
Bard: And there's the other thing.
DM: Other thing?
Bard: You said "Back then". You know when this game takes place? NEVER.
DM: Shut up.
Bard: I expect to be allowed an electric guitar, based on that.
DM: No electricity. It wasn't around back then.

-We had lots of fun with the "back then" stuff.

ExHunterEmerald
2006-09-23, 11:44 PM
Jarl, you should get bonus XP in every game you've ever played in for the grue thing.
Nice quotes.

Halcyon_Dax
2006-09-24, 12:20 AM
Heres a few from some of ours, hehe.

DM: One of the giant ants is Climbing on Decius's Horse!
Kroe: I shoot it off! (Rolls 1)
DM: You shoot the horse instead.
Kroe: Damnit!
DM: It explodes.
Kroe: DAMNIT.

And now the day I had blessed dice!

Me: I attach a rock to the rope, and throw it accross the gorge. (Rolls 20)
DM: The rope disappears from your hands and reappears accross the gorge, perfectly fastened on either end. You glide accross it on one foot.

(We had taken a few sacks of ancient coins and were about to sell them in town, my halfling bard was holding them)

Manucles: Ok Fipp, lets find a place to sell these coins.
Fipp: Uh, what coins?
Manucles: The ones in the big sacks, the ones you have in each hand.
Fipp: These are sandwitches.... (Bluff roll: 20)
Manucles: Oh, alright, but why are they jingling when you move?
Fipp: Errrrr... they are magical jingly sandwitches.
Manucles: (Knowledge:Arcane Roll: 2) Yeah... Ive heard of those.
Fipp: I sneak off to find a coin seller (gather information: 17)
DM: Hmmm, I will buy these from you for 150% of their modern value.
Fipp: I Shoot Diplomacy Rays at him for 250% (Roll 20: Total 29)
DM: I hate you Fipp.

Magnus_Samma
2006-09-24, 04:54 PM
Thread Necromancy is the best kind of necromancy.

Here's an outtake from the epic-level campaign I started and summarily bungled and lost all interest in. The fact that the BBEG was a god I named after myself probably should have clued everyone into the fact that it was gonna suck, but we did manage to have some good times with it nonetheless.

Magnus: (aaaand what's the spell Auberon used right before we got stalled? The one that made him... ah, bigger?)

Magnus: *Anyhow! Its the soldiers' turn. And by now the few that remain seem to have realized that they're in over their heads, because the crowd around Zander decides to cut and run. The wounded soldier on the cart is cutting and... crawling.*

Magnus: *Anya abruptly afeels something huge, hot, and hairy slam into her from behind, and a pair of cruelly clawed hands gouge her sides (-25 hp, and make a grapple check).*
Anya`: (...damnit. *looks up grapple rules*)

Magnus: *The now visible fiend easily maintains his hold and climbs upwards into the air, wings pumping madly with the effort.*
Anya`: (Oh that bastard)

Magnus: (Gelg, feel free to call me a bastard if Auberon does something remarkably dumb or out of character.)

San: (Combat expertiste, -5 to attack, +15 dodge to AC)
Magnus: (... Jesus!)

San: (...27, 29, 29, 23, AND A CRIT THREAT ON 27 @_@)
San: (That last one was my only roll above 10 XD)
Magnus: (uh... only the crit hits.)
San: (...It wasn't a natural 20)
San: (that was a roll of 17)
Magnus: (then none of them hit)
* San makes a fool of herself, but gracefully!

Rayna: (How close am I to the wagon right now?)
Magnus: (I.... believe the wagon is now about 80 ft. away)
Magnus: (And when I say "about" I mean "give or take a number of squares inversely porportional to how much I care at the time.")

Anya`: *Godsdamnit.*
Zander: *It's okay. Help is coming. ...... Pffft. Hahaha!*
Anya`: *He can bite her profusely bleeding ass*
Zander: *Who said anything about him?*
Anya`: *That's a general sentiment.*

Magnus: *the beast staggers back, bleeding horribly from its wounds. It looks down at himself, then frowns hugely at Zander, then takes off into the air.*
Magnus: *the other fiend blinks* "What in gehenna are you doing!?"
Anya`: ("Running like a wussy girly fiend!")

* Rayna goes over to start picking the lock on the cage's door, sheathing the dagger she used to cut the priest's bindings, and producing lockpicks from the vest under her chainshirt...*
Magnus: (make de check)
Rayna: (15 + 31 is 46)
Magnus: *Rayna applies a light tap to the lock, causing it to fall apart.*

Magnus: *Wow, that's a really unusually shaped cloud- oh, no, wait, it's the biggest dragn you've ever seen. Definitely a dragon.*

Magnus: *Their features are entirely hidden by a hooded robe of royal purple. They land on their feet with no apparent difficulty, punching a shallow crater in the earth. A pair of crimson eyes glow within the shadows of the hood.*
Rayna: .....
Anya`: *A little overdramatic, wouldn't one say?*

Magnus: *When the stranger speaks, it is with a voice that by its very sound makes your skin crawl.*
Anya`: (He sounds like dead puppies :()

Magnus: Hand over the priest to me, and I will let you live.
Zander: Nah. I don't think so.
Auberon: By my father's beard, I will do no such thing. *he situates himself between the priest of pelor and who his player assumes to be Magnus*
Rayna: Come get him.
San: Where's the fun in that.
Anya`: No.
* San raises her rapier and shifts into a neutral stance.*
Anya`: (I think that's a pretty categorical denial XD)

* Anya` calmly aims the arrow at the depths of the man's hood, right between his beady red eyes.*
* Magnus 's cloak makes a rippling motion that seems to indicate a shrug as he leisurely strolls towards them, covering the thirty feet but making no violent moves as of yet.*
* Rayna whirls aside of him as he passes and Death's Edge licks out at him from its sheath...*
Magnus: *There is no response from Magnus aside from a couple of metallic pinging noises. It feels like trying to stab a brick wall.*
* Anya` calmly fires four times at that spot between his eyes.*
Magnus: *The arrows all bounce off of his face. He blinks.*
Anya`: *well damn*

* Anya` is... going to do something very suicidal. And when she dies, that dwarf had damn well better bring her back. Sheathing her bow with one hand, the other plucks a tanglefoot bag from her belt and hurls it at Magnus with all her might.*

San: (And we're gonna die because I forgot to prepare a teleportation spell ;_;)
Anya`: (Nah, hopefully Anya just drew his ire, and everyone else can get away while he's skinning her)
San: (...They can't get out of Dragon range in the time it'd take a god to kill Anya)
Anya`: (Well, it's the thought that counts.)

Magnus: *The bag splatters all over Magnus' boots. There is a moment of silence as the god, in the midst of pulling his sword out of San and wiping it off, turns and blinks at Anya.*
Magnus: ... a tanglefoot bag?
Magnus: You actually threw a tanglefoot bag at me??
Anya`: Worked better than anything else has, didn't it?
Magnus: I am honestly not sure whether to be impressed or sympathetic.
* Anya` decides to throw the next one at his face to shut him up.*

* Zander launches himself at the god, swinging his sword. (1... Wow.)*
San: (... Dude..)
San: (.. crit fail attacking a god..)

Magnus: *Zander's blow sails right over Magnus' head. The god arches an eyebrow at the warrior as the force of his missed swing actually throws him off balance and onto the ground.*
Anya`: *Yeah, suddenly that tanglefoot bag looks pretty smart huh?*

Magnus: (When you crit fail against a deity, it defies the laws of physics.)

* San 's got the puppy eyes going here.*

Magnus: If it is a glorious death you wish, I can certainly grant it, but I would prefer one of your mettle to stand beside me than against me.
Anya`: (Wow... San just got hit on by a god)

* Zander shrugs, wandering back.* "Can't hurt... And, if we're gonna be wandering for awhile, I'd rather be known by name than 'Hey, you with the sword'. Name's Zander..."
Magnus: (But "Hey, you with the sword," has such a nice ring to it...)

San: I did more than a few things to several people. I liked to humiliate abusive dictators.. So, I figure snubbing my nose at a god was the next step, eh?
* Zander smirks slightly.* "And look what it got ya in the long run."
San: Eh, I've had bigger and worse stuck in me....
Magnus: (... must... resist...)

Auberon: (I must've been hungry when I prepared his spells.. he has create food, AND heroes' feast prepared)
Magnus: (Hero's Feast: Breakfast of Champions.)

Caelestion
2006-09-24, 07:37 PM
"Joran is a good person, and if you can't look beyond his being undead to see the good guy inside of him, you can leave."
~ Said about an evil lich Shadow Adept who wasn't ashamed about concealing that fact whilst in a group of mostly good-aligned adventurers.

Tough_Tonka
2006-09-24, 11:14 PM
3 Best in Game:

3. GM: "And as you open the door you find a screaming wriath!"

Zack:"A wraith, at first level?"

Bran:"Maybe it'st illusion."

Party: "I DISBELIEVE!!!"
___________________

2.

Wizard: "I need you to find my pet Ziggy."

Rand:"Okay what is it?"

Wiz: "It's a Ziggy." ;D

Rand: "Well what color is its fur?"

Wiz:"It doesn't have fur" ;D

Olmec: "What color is its scales?" ;D

Wiz: "It doesn't have scales." ;D

Rand: "What color is its skin?" ;D

Wiz: "It doesn't have skin." ;D

Olmec: "Well, what color is its mass?"

Wiz: "It doesn't ha..."

Olmec: "IT HAS MASS!!!"
_____________________

1.

Munkin:"What CR does this thing have!"

DM(Me): "It has a CR of #%ck you!!!"

Foeofthelance
2006-09-24, 11:42 PM
So wait, Maguns is that it then? No more quotes, or are we waiting for the next game?

Meanwhile, let us see what comes from a Kobold Arcane Hierophant riding on the back of a Deinychous, while escorting a blue dragon wyrmling.

"Oh, you don't eat Ata. Ata eat you."

Brigham
2006-09-25, 01:46 AM
I planted an alchemist fire in a locked door, stepped back and shot it with a stone from my sling. The DM's narration began thusly:

"Ok, you shoot the flask with your sling. You hear an absence of sound..."

later in that campaign while encountering constructs and undead-
druid: "ooh, that's not natural!"

TheOOB
2006-09-25, 02:30 AM
DM: So you fall half-naked out of the window and land in the middle of a ring of town guards, all of whom have heavy crossbows aimed at you
Me: Is Prestidigitation still active?
DM: Sure, why not
Me: I make lightning bolts crackle between my fingers and shout "Fear my arcane power!"
DM: I'll need an intimidate check
Me: *rolls dice* ummmm...
DM: How bad is it?
Me: A natural 1...maybe I still beat them with modifiers
DM: ...no...you have an 8 cha, your horribly outnumbered, they are well trained, and your a freakin half naked hobbit who just fell through a window. Thats like a -10 total penalty
Me: But prestidigitation
DM: Okay, -9
Me: So what happens?
DM: One of them whacks you on the side of the head with the butt of his crossbow and knocks you unconsious

Foeofthelance
2006-09-25, 03:07 AM
It's a four legged chicken in Pennsylvania.

"What's the screaming sound like?" --- "Oh my god, oh my god, we're all going to die."---"So not our side then?"

"Hurry up before Ata get angry." ---Ata proceeds to disembowel and eat a sailor.--- "Well, Ata get angry when hungry."

"So the kobolds have killed more things by dying then hitting them?"

"So you're jumping the gnome."

"She searched and found the meaning of life." (PC had gotten a 42 on search check.)

"I can flip out, like a ninja, cause that's what ninjas do."

"You reincarnate the dead sailor. You now have a sailing owl."

Jarl
2006-09-25, 03:21 AM
An MSN 2nd Ed PbP, fairly recent...

DM: Ben takes off, dodging into the machine room. the machine room is a 40ft by 40ft, medium height room with low lighting, and several large tools lockers along each wall
in the center of the room, in a rectangular pit, 10ft by 15ft, is a massive hydraulic machine, that makes hydraulic machine sounds. on either of its left or right sides is a foot wide gap that reveals the mass of metal pipes that dive deeper into the earth into blackness below
directly across the room from your entry is another doorway, this one with a door to fill it.
the room is well kept but worn.

Me: "Freeze, scumbag!" I shout, to scare him into stopping.

DM: he's out of sight, so you shout into nothing, accomplishing the same. so it seems at least

Me: I step into the room.

DM: continue as you please.

Me: Do I see him? Or has he hidden amongst the machinery?

DM: there's little to hide behind, within, around, or underneath. roll a wisdom check

Me: d20... 3

DM: okay.
you see that the lockers closest to the corners could feasibly hold a person, also, the space beneath the machine in the center of the room is a decent hiding space, though dangerous. however, you disregard these and feel an instinctual urge to turn around.

Me: I turn around

DM: who would have guessed
Ben, who sucked to the wall right inside the entrance while you passed him turns on the flashlight in his hands, removed from a holster on the wall, and temporarily blinds you as he makes a mad dash to leave the machine room via the way he entered.

Me: (check my non-weapon proficiencies on my character sheet) ["Blind-fighting"]
I trip him.

DM: (nice)
roll dex
plus your blind fighting of course

Me: huh... 3 again

DM: Ben gracefully kisses the steel floor, the flashlight pops violently as it strikes the floor, witha light tinkle of glass, it rolls a bit, no longer in Mr. Brooding's hand. he takes one damage and makes no immediate attempt to get up.

Me: I sit down on his butt and pick up the flashlight.
"So, what's up, ben?"

-Good times, 2nd Edition.

Beldak
2006-09-25, 03:22 PM
PC 1- "oh man, I never get the girl."
PC 2- "that is because you have a Charisma of 6."
PC 3- "yeah, do what I do and stop at the brothel."
PC 1- "I don't have any money."
DM- "Hey, it's a free action to touch yourself."
- - - - - - - -
Cleric of Pelor- "I turn undead."
DM- "I don't think your god would like that."
- - - - - - - - -
NPC- "Who are you?"
PC1 - "We are. . . . recruits."
NPC- "Recruits of what?"
PC2 - "Of kicking your a*s!" (flurry of misses)
- - - - - - - - -
Gnome is stuck to blungeoned corpse of mimic-
PC 1- "Lets head back to the other room."
DM- "Is anyone going to jerk the gnome off?"
PC 2- "NEVER!"
- - - - - - - - - -

smartdumkid
2006-09-25, 03:50 PM
"So you're jumping the gnome."



I think from now on in my games when things have moved into the realm of the ridiculous we will call it jumping the gnome like when tv shows jump the shark.

Last_resort_33
2006-09-25, 05:59 PM
Today:
Grumpy heavily pregnant rogue: "OK, can the dwarves lend us a cleric to cast Gentle Repose like a million times?"
Cleric duly procured.
Rogue: "Right, now can you go and find a spare cleric."
"Why?"
Rogue, with martyred expression: "For when the first one explodes."

(The clerics ended up fine, but two gnomes and a child-genius bard exploded in the session).

Magnus_Samma
2006-09-25, 11:43 PM
The epic campaign is pretty much over. But my original homebrew campaign lives on.

IT SHALL NEVER DIE. (Unless interplayer drama kills it. Stupid interplayer drama. >_<)

Gelgameth: Poor dire bat was aiming for vitals
Snowfox: It got her boobs. I'd say those are vital.

Jennea: *Are there any courtyards? Cause Jen be all over dat*

* Niklaus wants to climb up ina tree. He's not used to this torture device they call a box spring

* Rok falls down rather ungracefully and clutches his head. Up is down, right is wrong. And grey is black.
Magnus: *Rok finds himself suddenly attracted to women.*
Rok: [...you son of a whore.]

Niklaus: Jen, run and get the others, I'll see if I can talk some sense into him
Jennea: Not while he's got that thing!
Jennea: (&quot;He'll scythe you ;_;&quot;)

Magnus: (Rok gets an attack of oppourtinity)
Jennea: (Yeah, but her temper's riled now, she's not thinking that well. Besides, she can take it.)
Magnus: (her HPs half gone! XD)

Rok: [...Uh, Jen?]
Rok: [Natural 20 on my to hit.]
Jennea: (...Goddamnit.)

Niklaus: (She can't be out and out DEAD here ;_;)
Rok: [...uh, according to my roll, yes. Yes she can.]

Rok: [Yeah. Okay, I killed the GM's girlfriend's character, right...]
Reenan: (Any subequent character you roll after this will all be fed to Tarrasques. That's a -bad- Em. -BAD- Emmy!)

* Jennea is now known as OneDeadPaladin

Magnus: (I bet you guys are wishing you'd voted for the Tarrasque now!)
Rok: [The what. DAMN, dude.]
Rachel: (( I didn't know what I was voting for ;.; ))

* Niklaus surges forward, thrusting his knife for Rok's face!*
OneDeadPaladin: (&quot;I KNIFE YOU&quot;)
Magnus: (&quot;How do I quit knifing you!?&quot;)

OneDeadPaladin: (Oh good, more people to watch our slaughter)
Rok: [Hi Nov! *cheerily waves at Nov. With one of Jen's arms.]

Niklaus: (BtW, I think even at level 1, technically Rok was CR 2 for his Better than Elite stats XD)
Magnus: (Everyone: &quot;Oh no, Jen's dead! ;_;&quot; Gelg: &quot;We get CR 2 exp for this right?&quot;)

OneDeadPaladin: (&quot;She's BISECTED. Can't you see that?&quot;)
OneDeadBarbarian: [&quot;It's a GAZEBO.&quot;]

Magnus: *Meanwhile...*
Magnus: *Jen finds herself standing in front of a pair of enormous barred gates crafted from pearl.*
OneDeadPaladin: *blinkblink*
* OneDeadPaladin ... walks up to them?*
Dagero: (make any jokes about jesus, and god so done for the night o.O)
OneDeadPaladin: (Well, I wasn't thinking of it BEFORE...)
OneDeadBarbarian: [What about Steve Buscemi?]

Magnus: *she recognizes the naked metal chick as Astoreth, the archangel of righteous assbeatings*

Jennea: I'm sorry, Nik... I tried to get it from him. *frowns sadly*
Niklaus: It's OK.. you're OK. That's what matters..
Jennea: (&quot;It's okay, you're okay, I'm okay, we're all okay! :D Except for Rok.&quot;)
OneDeadBarbarian: [&quot;I just wanted a hug ;___;&quot;]

* Jennea finally pulls back and faces Soren, bowing her head deeply.* &quot;Thank you, my lord. I owe you my life.&quot;
*Soren shakes his head* &quot;You needn't thank me child. I was merely doing my duty to the gods.&quot;
Jennea: Still...
* Jennea owes him her LIFE. He deserves at least a thank you.*
Jennea: (*preemptively smacks the boys*)
Jennea: (Someone was gonna make a joke about thank-you sex, I JUST KNOW IT)
Rokd: [What? We're more civilized then wang.]

* Jennea looks down. Blushes crimson. Folds her arms to hide herself.*
Dagero: (I CAN SEE YOUR BELLY BUTTON...I KNEW IT YOUR A OUTTIE.)

* Reenan gets to his feet and dusts himself off... He steps over (Damn straight!) and swiftly boots the barbarian's head... And after a moment, it starts to smoke and smolder... Before it suddenly bursts into flame.*
Rokd: [WHO'S FLAMING NOW BIZNATCH?!?!]

Jennea: ...Who set him on fire? o_O
Reenan: ... I did.
Jennea: ...Okay!

*Soren, meanwhile, puts his plate on his desk and walks to his trophy room, where he finds the helmet lying on the ground.* &quot;Damn... I should have had this thing disenchanted years ago...&quot;
Jennea: (NO REALLY? x_x)

Soren_Dias: At least it'll never cause anyone else grief ever again...
Reenan: *Or will it?! DUN DUN DUN!*
Terrence_Randall: [ELAN! Stop doing musical cues for the dead chimera!]

Terrence_Randall: Hey, you guys are the travellers, right?
Jennea: ...Yes...
* Jennea could swear she just got a feeling of impending doom.*

* Niklaus nods, his cheeks are swollen with food*
Jennea: (Nik the chipmunk!)

* Niklaus can't understand these crazies. Grub is a delicacy!*

* Reenan just stares blankly at the weird man before he resumes eating.*

Rachel: (( CHILDREN PCS ARE THE DEBIL ... Sorry. Sorry. ...VtM game with a child Tmizsce. ...There's creepy beyond what should be right in that. ._. ))
Jennea: (NICE)

Soren_Dias: Lady Fletcher... I have saved your life today, correct? One day, perhaps far in the future, I will ask you to perform a service for me.
Terrence_Randall: [Oh God. Soren's gonna make her a diplomacy check she can't refuse.]

Soren_Dias: Beware the name of Azathoth.
Jennea: (So he's soren dias because an elder god did him?)
Terrence_Randall: [Beware the King in Brokeback. Err, yellow.]
Jennea: (He's the King in Well-Worn Plaid Flannel.)

Terrence_Randall: [Rok's gear, save his most-likely-torched scythe, is in his room if anyone wants it.]
Soren_Dias: (I don't think anyone's going to want that now that it has Jen's boobs all over it.)

Soren_Dias: *the PCs can't explain it, but for some reason they start to feel... edgy...*
* Niklaus feels all avant garde*
* Niklaus has shades and a cup of mocha for NO APPARENT REASON.*
* Niklaus is now known as BeatNiklaus

Jennea: Ready? Let's -go-, now please.
BeatNiklaus: Yes, let's. *snap. Sips mocha*
Terrence_Randall: [And for ****s sake someone BURY THAT SMOLDERING BODY]
Jennea: (Pfft, who has time for that? We have to leave before Nik progresses all the way to Trendy.)
* BeatNiklaus grows a beret.*

Magnus: [Spoken about a baby.]
Magnus: &quot;...We didn't really know what to do, so we backed over it with a pickup truck and drove off.&quot;
Snowfox: *snrk*
Magnus: More stuff like this needs to happen in arthy.
Snowfox: Indeed. Except Jen would never drive over a baby.
Magnus: Reid might.

Magnus: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO...
Magnus: ...wait.
Magnus: A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...
Magnus: ...

Terrence_Randall: [But I want to face the peril!]
Jennea: (No, it's much too perilous.)

Magsmaster: *Looks like they're right on track... though the map mentions something a little ways before the mountains themselves. Something about &quot;the tunnel of horrific death&quot;.*
* Reenan frowns, not liking the way this is looking.* &quot;.... We may need to be very careful... The map mentions a tunnel, apparently of horrific death....&quot;
Terrence_Randall: ...So, who wants to stop for lunch?

Niklaus: (I've already picked my next favored enemy...)
Terrence_Randall: [DM]

[Our heroes encounter some tracks.]
Niklaus: ...Probably is dwarves. In which case we might as well quicken our pace to catch up
Terrence_Randall: [&quot;Helloooo? 20 foot move speed? We could sleep, man.&quot;]

The_Gnome: &quot;That guy with the breasts has been really cranky today. So are we going or not?&quot;
Jennea: (I hurt.)

Terrence_Randall: [And here I was expecting he gnome to run in screaming his name. &quot;.......Oh my god, he just ran in.&quot;]

The_Gnome: &quot;You either go through the tunnel and look out for the horrific death, or you go over it, which takes longer. There's also been reumors of dire hamsters in these hills, but I'm sure that's nonsense.&quot;

Rachel: * Oh NOES! Something is coming from the not-where-people-are direction towards the party, the thundering of hooves can be heard and strange cursing to follow that would reach only the strongest of ears.*
Jennea: (Whatthehell?! Was that actually in character?)

* Dagero lets own arrow loose at the on coming hamster. (14+4-4)*
Magsmaster: *The arrow clips the hamster's ear*
Dagero: (dmg?)
Niklaus: (I wouldn't worry about dealing damage when you clip the hamster's EAR)
Dagero: (IT COULD BLEED AND DIE!!!)
Dagero: (OR IT COULD BE ALLERGIC TO ARROWS!!!)

* Reenan 's eyes glow as he holds out his hand, as though accepting soemthing into it.... A thick mist gathers in his hand, eventually turning into a large glop of gel. He draws his hand back and flings it at the giant hamster! (Entangling Ectoplasm, ranged touch attack: 17)*
Rachel: (( ...He created snot... :( ))

Rachel: * The black clad rider will take this round getting the hell off it's horse now that it's got allies instead of making ol' Tiddlywinks have to outrun the gigantic hamster hankerin' for some sweet sweet assmeats :( *

Magnus: *The Gnome is staring at Xan's ass, for the record.*
* Jennea likes her a whole lot better now.*
Niklaus: (.. Wouldn't he have to lift up her cloak?)
Reenan: (.... ****... That gnome's got x-ray vision!)
Terrence_Randall: [We'll find out when Jen gets a tumor on her bum.]
Niklaus: (...MY LINEAGE! *crotchguard*)

Niklaus: (19 on a knowledge dungeoneering check to figure out what'd make a sound like wind whistling XD)
Magnus: (... wind.)

Magnus: *Nick and Terrence notice something on the ceiling at the edge of the torch's radiance. Something big and fuzzy. With eight reflective black eyes.*
Jennea: (Goddamn Shelob!)

Jennea: (I will not be hunted, do you hear me! *flies at it* FREEDOM! FREEDOM!)

Niklaus: ...Everybody. Back away slowly. Jen.. I think you could scare it away with your sword.
Jennea: It could -eat- my sword.

Dagero: (the dead body doesn't make sense to me? the spider kill for fun, or defending its home? if the spider killed for food...did he not like the taste?)
Reenan: (&quot;HEY, waitaminute... This isn't chicken!&quot;)

Jennea: (Okay, you can accept that you're a magical elf who just battled a spider the size of a horse, but there has to be absolute realism in the description of a hobgoblin's half-liquified corpse?)

Magnus: *as they approach the light, they see several more spidery forms lying on the ground, but smaller. Only three of them move when the party approaches.*
Reenan: (&quot;They killed Bob! RUNAWAY!&quot;)

* Jennea feels a little bad for it. :( It was just trying to go about its spidery business.*

Jennea: (We've only met two dragons, and one was a baby.)
Reenan: (And it demanded pubic hair!)
Jennea: (IT WAS A BABY!)
Reenan: (IT DEMANDED PUBIC HAIR!)
Jennea: (BABY!)
Reenan: (PUBIC HAIR!)
Terrence_Randall: [BABY PUBIC HAIR!]

Rachel: Jen is a battle machine. She can kill you in one blow with her sword, or two with her breasteses.

Terry: o_o ...Nik, where do babies come from?

* Magnus has seen no indication that Nik is anything but a very lonely ranger*
Snowfox: He has to have seen animals doing it sometime!
Magnus: True, but imagine Nik goes into his first sexual experience and does like the chipmunks do. That's going to go badly.
Snowfox: How do the chipmunks do?
Magnus: I'm not sure, but I imagine it would involve a lot of putting stuff in his cheeks.

Magnus: *Having escape the cavern of horrible death with only a single horrible facebiting, our heroes continue their journey to the Rorx mountains to find the city of the deep dwarves.*
Dagero: Expected more death out of that tunnel...
Xantara: Needs a new name. ...We should call it the bunny cave.
Jennea: ...But... there were no bunnies.
Xantara: ...Exactly.

* Reenan reaches up and pats Jen's shoulder lightly.
Magnus: (Can Reenan reach that high?)

Jennea: (I'm tempted to name the horse Argen. So I can say she's riding Argen all the time)

Jennea: (The Gnome is dead. That's all we need to know)

Xantara: ...Score one for the bowman. *raises an eyebrow, then returns to checking on the gnome by poking him... medically.*
Jennea: (Watch out, he likes that.)

Jennea: (You know, regular people must get awful sick of running across the scenes of Adventurer-driven slaughter all over the countryside.)
Jennea: (If I were them I'd form a homeowner's association or something.)

* Terrence_Randall finds his balls and gets angry.*
Terrence_Randall: [...that didn't work right XD]
Reenan: (... No, it didn't.)
Jennea: (My little boy has become a man. *tears of happy*)

* Reenan stares down the last one, his anger welling up in a harsh mental tap against the ugly beast's thoughts! (Augmented Mind Thrust, 18 damage. Make a Will save against a 15 DC)*
Terrence_Randall: [Mind thrust, eh]
Jennea: (Tap hell. That's a mental fist to the kidneys.)
Rachel: (( well he does have a spear... so he's all about thrusting... c.c ))
Jennea: (unf)

Terrence_Randall: [Oho! Natural 20 spot]
Dagero: (Terry spots what kind of underwear the gnome wears...a thong!)
Terrence_Randall: [AAIIIIIIIIE!]

Terrence_Randall: [Can I pull a badass move here?]
Magnus: (badass...? are you sure you don't mean... ass?)

Magnus: *the party arrives to find Dagero studying a gem and the gnomes clustered together crying*
Dagero: (...it's not what it looks like o,O)

Niklau: (GNOMES HAVE NAMES!?)
Jennea: (No, Gelg. Gnomes have GNAMES.)

Strange_Gnome: Flamerscotch. Flamerscotch Burnboy Rubycrusher. Call me Flamer.
* Strange_Gnome is now known as Flamer
Niklaus: (Oh, oh man..)
Rachel: (( ... ...Flamer. ... ))
Terrence_Randall: [!!$!%!@TEAWHYe oh my god]
Reenan: (.........)
Magnus: (*watches the gay jokes increase by 200%*)
Niklaus: (Man, we need to catch up. Quick. We need nametags!)
Jennea: (Oh my GOD.)
Terrence_Randall: [You ARE the gnome-god]
Niklaus: (is he teh 1337 h4xX0|2z?)

Jennea: (Jen has had one hell of a day. You'd be emo too.)

Foeofthelance
2006-10-10, 06:48 PM
&quot;I just want to get into a hole!&quot;

&quot;The hands on your arms stand up.&quot;

&quot;I open the door.&quot;---&quot;Make a fort save against death.&quot;---&quot;I close the door.&quot;

Guard, pointing to gaping hole in building. &quot;Sir what happened here?&quot;
Disguised Felon PC. &quot;Um, someone tried to rob the bank?&quot;

&quot;We stand guard upstairs.&quot;---&quot;Aren't you going to help loot?&quot;---&quot;No, the girls are smart enough to let the guys get themselves killed.&quot;

Spellthief---&quot;I run up the walls, taunting the guards as I pass ten feet over their heads. I have all the rings we just stole.&quot;
Rogue/Illusionist---&quot;I cast reduce person on myself. And I have the cloaks, rods, and wands.&quot;
Girls---&quot;Crap. We actually have to do the fighting? But we don't have anything!&quot;

&quot;Fear the Pojoe!&quot;

&quot;What are you doing here?&quot;---&quot;I don't know, why am I here?&quot;---&quot;That's what I asked you!&quot;---&quot;Well, I'm still waiting for you to tell me!&quot;

&quot;I would like to point out that blowing up a bank is likely to draw attention.&quot;

Everyman
2006-10-29, 12:26 AM
A newly added law, based on my session tonight...

Anna's Law
If a character would normally have 19-20 or worse critical hit zone, then they will always, always, always use up their statistical 20s when fighting the undead.

(Named after my character, after every party member rolled at least 3 20s during a fight with zombies)

The Vorpal Tribble
2006-10-29, 11:05 PM
Background
One of the most powerful mages in the land has just been summoned back from an expiremental transportation to an unknown plane....

DM
A roaring babble fills the towertop and Saith drops lightly to the ground, or so it appears anyways. His left side seems horribly burnt, and his skin elsewhere flushed. Most horrible of all is with a hideous surreality a dozen mouths or more seem to have opened up all about his head, showing tongue and tooth. Some are roaring, others laughing, others speaking in a variety of languages. He breath comes so quick he seems to be hyperventilating and his pupils are wide and his eyes unblinking.

Player
"Um...that is not a good thing, I'm guessing." Alex mutters to himself. Advancing cautiously towards the wounded pair, he takes the tip of his staff and pokes it gently into one of Saith's monstrous maws


-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Background
An unseasonal blizzard has blown through this wooded area where a large group of travelers set up camp around a few old log cabins...


DM - The dwarf and red-haired man however are down the lengths of the fallen tree, peering beneath it where a strangely small pile of wood lies. The red-haired man is doubled over, his shoulders shaking as tears stream down his cheeks. The dwarf stands to the side, still peering beneath it in confusion.

Player - Tynan waves towards the barn, barking, “Quicklimb, see what is the matter over there, I will investigate this good fellow here!” He moves quickly, belying his bulk, over to where the two figures stand . “Friend, I am here to assist.” He leans down to peer under the tree, ready to give assistance to whomever he might see there.

DM - As you bend down and out of the wind the pungent aroma of sewage greets your nostrils. The tree covers most of a pit in the ground and you hear splashing within. The red-headed shopkeep you see is not crying but laughing himself into a fit.

A voice from below bellows out, "Tyrus, so help me, I'm going to right pluck your lungs out and use them as a seat cushion if you tell a soul of this!"

Player - It only takes a moment for the big man to grasp what is going on; he starts to laugh as well, and shouts, "Friend, we will get you out of there when others who are more grieviously wounded than you have been helped. But hold on and don't make too much of a stink about being made to wait!"

Jarl
2006-11-06, 06:49 PM
The characters are in a car, the detective's. They're in the midst of a car chase on a freeway, with a "tank" up ahead and four motorcycles coming up around them. They get the bright idea to try to attack the motorcycles. One player, a fast hero teenage female burglar, climbs out the back window and prepares to jump across to one of the motorcycles and comandeer it.
It's now the detective's turn. He's in the passenger seat (because, unlike the guy driving, he actually has a weapon proficiency or two) and, since he captured her, he doesn't want her to escape.

"I open the door, lean out, and aim my pistol at her."

"What? While the car's in motion?"

"Yeah."

"Roll dex. And then strength."

He rolls, gets good enough results to pull off the maneuver.

"Okay, Art opens his door and, bracing against the inside of it, leans out and aims his pistol at Lori, rather than, for instance, keeping his door closed and turning around in his seat and then aiming at her instead."

-It worked, though. She didn't jump, instead ended up on the roof. Later she jumped onto a motorcycle, but stayed with them as they tried to take out the tank.

Doc_Outlands
2006-11-06, 11:53 PM
"Remember, if something bites your head off, RUN!"

"I coup-de-grace the wall! Wait - *can* I coup-de-grace the wall?"

Foeofthelance
2006-11-12, 11:16 PM
"One can of beer, one drunk baby. Six cans of beer, one dead baby!"

Folie
2007-01-27, 01:35 AM
Our captain is trying to talk up our female elven warblade, while our wizard's parrot is perched on his shoulder:

Captain: Listen, I just want to let you know that I've been really impressed by your -
Parrot: Rawk! Cave of Wonders! Rawk!

Were-Sandwich
2007-01-27, 03:15 PM
"Gentlemen, I have a plan"

If you knew my character, you'd get it. His planning ability is somewhat like Red Mage's.

"We have a shock trooper for the assault."

"Who?"

"The cat"
We were given a mission to blow up a Karnnathi fort by a rather eccentric Silver Flame priest, and to 'help' us, we were given a rather scruffy old cat which was "The incarnation of the silver flame". The thing was evil, it spent most of the time trying to rip the artificers face off. We had to cast sleep on it to get it to stop. We plan to release it inside the fort to cause a distraction whislt we set the bomb.

ExHunterEmerald
2007-01-27, 03:27 PM
"I have got to quit drinking. Tomorrow."

Roderick_BR
2007-01-27, 03:43 PM
"Stay calm! We'll kill everyone!"
A paladin, trying to tranquilize the people in a small village, meaning they'll hunt down the bandits that have been terrorizing the place lately.

Foeofthelance
2007-01-27, 11:56 PM
"I shap shift into a potted plant!"

"The only who can see what they are is the blind monk."

"Well, first we convince them we just burned down an orphanage..."

"My charisma is added to my AC. I'm now too sexy to hit!"

Darkshade
2007-01-28, 12:01 AM
"I don't have a drinking problem, I have a drinking solution!"
"It's opening it's mouth, it's casting a spell! kill it! KILL IT QUICKLY!"

party"where were you?"
Kinson"I was outback stroking one eyed giant."
party"..."
Kinson"stroke... strike, past tense of strike... to stroke... struck! struck one eyed giant! I was outback beating up a cyclops!"

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-01-28, 12:10 AM
NPC: I really wouldn't go in there.
Sorceress: Why?
NPC: They've got a whole army under here.
Sorceress: But we have to go, my friend is in there!
NPC: Yeah, that's not happening. Just wait here. I'll think of something.
Sorceress: Well I'm going.
(fails a move silently check and alerts a dozen evil soldiers to her location)
Me: You've now been caught by a dozen soldiers, each pointing a sword at you. What do you do?
Player: A dozen? Okay, I seduce them.
Me: ...You what?
Player: I'm gonna try to seduce them.
Other Player: Oh my god, don't do that. That's a bad idea.
Me: Seriously, it is. You really want to seduce a blatantly evil army?
Player: Yes, why?
Other Player: ...
Me: ...
(dice roll across the table)
Player: I got a 22.
Me: ...Well, we're not going to roleplay this.

clarkvalentine
2007-01-28, 12:15 AM
Birthright setting. Paladin of Avani (goddess of light, knowledge, summer, all that good stuff) sees a Brechtish airship. Paladin has never seen an airship before, and he's awestruck. He shouts "Sweet Avani's shining arse! It's a zepplin!"

The rest of the table cracks up, we can't continue the game for ten minutes.

KeithF
2007-01-28, 08:48 PM
Much laughter at the quotes already posted! Some of these are paraphrased...

Quotes from the first campaign I played in:

GM: "The dwarf starts eating your vomit."

Paladin: (to a mind flayer, regarding my character) "She's not for sale."

Paladin: (regarding her deceased mount) "My peggy-corn!"

Wizard: (regarding a bratty princess) "I put her over my knee..."

Me: (after an unexpectedly short fight with a red dragon) "How on earth did we survive that?!"
GM: "Because it rolled s**t!"

Quotes from an epic-level campaign of sheer insanity:

Wizard: (regarding my character) "Is she wearing knickers?"

GM: "The cat urinates on the Wall of Force."

Me: "It's Mini-Tarrasque!"

GM: (to player of minotaur cleric) "You disappear in a fiery mushroom cloud..."
Minotaur Cleric: "...leaving behind a lingering smell of beef."

Me: "Oh cr@p, I'm an anime-esque female character, I'm soaked to the skin and I'm being attacked by fiery tentacles!"

Me: "It's the old man from scene 24!"

GM: "The vermiurge explodes."
Me: "All over me."
Minotaur Cleric: (the one who killed the vermiurge) "I offer her my handkerchief."

Me: "Why do my female characters always end up losing their clothes?!" (I can't remember if I actually said this, but I certainly could have - my character had just had her shirt sliced open by someone trying to get at the item she was carrying round her neck.)

Sirrush: (repeated line) "Can I eat him?"

Me: (explaining why my dragon character worshipped Sune) "He has a girlfriend who's a bard that follows Sune."
Sirrush: "Edible girlfriend?"

Me: (to the Lady of Pain, regarding the item mentioned above) "Take it, quick, before anything else happens!"

Quotes from the campaign I'm currently running:

Repeated line by nearly everyone: "We are the worst secret agents ever!"

Me (GM): "Somebody was supposed to seduce her!"

Ranger/Rogue: "The password is: 'Dzur's an idiot'."

Me: "A Scooby-Doo-esque chase scene ensues."

Me: (after a player rolled a 20 on an untrained fishing check) "You catch the biggest fish ever."

Rogue/Psion: "How do you cheer up a lich? It's not like you can say 'you have your whole life ahead of you'."

Me: (describing the party) "Druidzilla, Clericzilla, Batman and the Magic Tank!"

Fighter/Wizard: (describing the weapon he recently found) "It's the Long Sword of Awesome!"

Quotes from earlier campaigns I ran:

Inept NPC Ninjas: "We shall flip out and kill all our enemies! REAL ULTIMATE POWER!" (They then attempted to vanish in a cloud of smoke, but bumped into each other and knocked each other out.)

Me: *holds up flashcard saying "JUST KILL ME NOW"*

Me: *holds up flashcard saying "YOUR CHARACTER IS A MUNCHKIN"*

Ghaele: (repeated line) "Can I have Boots of Speed?"

Ghaele: (repeated line) "I've found a spell that..."

Me: "Unfortunately, your shadow drains him to death while you're unconscious."

Me: "The music from Rocky plays."

Me: "He holds up the pituitary gland of the tarrasque..."

Me: "The planetar snaps its fingers, and you explode."

Me: "Congratulations. You just robbed and murdered two snack vendors."

Kobold Cleric: "I pull his leg off!" (He subsequently rolled a 20 on his Strength check and succeeded. Later he rolled a 20 on another Strength check and pushed over a stone statue five times his height.)

Kobold Cleric: (to a bunch of troglodytes) "Look behind you!" (rolls a 20 on his Bluff check)
Me: "They look behind them."

Me: "You almost got TPKed by badgers!"

Me: "The universe wants to live."

Me: (PC brainscans a prisoner) "You see her past - her cutting herself and listening to the Cure Light Wounds as a teenager." (Yes, Order of the Stick reference.)

Rogue/Psion: "I use the Force to hit him with the power of the plane of Limbo."
Me: "OK, it manifests as a giant fish which you whack him with."

?: "She hit it with a tree!"

Me: "Elminster blows a smoke ring from his pipe, and it turns into a Meteor Swarm."

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-01-28, 11:28 PM
Just done tonight!

Me: You see an old man on the side of the road in simple garb with a walking stick. He greets you kindly and asks for a short ride down the road in your wagon to the nearest safe village.
Player: Hmm. I don't trust him. Sense motive.
(rolls)
Me: You have no reason to distrust this man, as he seems earnest.
Player: Alright, mage. Cast detect magic. I bet something's up.
Player 2: Okay. Do I see anything?
Me: No. He doesn't seem magical at all.
Player: You're trying to trick me again. Oh no, I'm not falling for that. I attack the old man.
Me: You... you're attacking the old man?
Player: Yes, I attack the old man.
Player 2: I don't think that's a very good idea...
Player 3: Yeah, we don't know who he is.
Player: No, the DM's just trying to trick us again. Remember the Tarrasque in the middle of the ocean? I attack the old man.
Me: You're serious?
Player: Yes. I attack the old man with my magic longsword.
(rolls)
Me: He grabs your longsword and it shatters.
Player: See? What did I tell you?!
Me: He speaks in a booming voice- "I, Fharlanghn, god of all roads, have never seen such vile and bloodthirsty travellers. I curse you to wander in your travels forever and to never reach your true destination.
Player 2: Oh, good job. You just pissed off a god!
Player: But... that's not fair.

Dhavaer
2007-01-29, 01:35 AM
We're in an evil temple, deep underground, with 5000 zombie draconic dwarves clamouring to get in. The Kender jumps up on the altar, raises his arms to the heavens, and:

"BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!"

hewhosaysfish
2007-01-29, 06:29 AM
Kobold Cleric: (to a bunch of troglodytes) "Look behind you!" (rolls a 20 on his Bluff check)
Me: "They look behind them."


I once played a game where three orcs were taken in by "Look! It's the Goodyear blimp!"

nivek1234
2007-01-31, 06:37 PM
All of these are OOC:

This is why you never poke someone around the half-orc, he'll see a group of people and think: "They're pokable..." *poke*... *cleave*... *cleave*

Andrew: "Kevin has great cleavage!"
Me: "I've won contests"

"Is laughing a free action?"
"Yes, it's an emote"

Maxymiuk
2007-01-31, 06:42 PM
After a barrage of failed spot checks and the associated "I've gone blind!" comments from players:

GM: Guys, you don't go blind by failing a Spot check. That only happens when you botch a Perform (Sex) check on yourself.

Darkshade
2007-02-02, 12:02 AM
new PC"hello"
old PCs"hello, do we know you?"
new PC"No, do I know you?"
old PCs"No, wanna go adventuring together?"
new PC"sure!"

this is how we added characters to one of our long running campaigns. it was very sad and pathetic, dont go down that road

Darkshade
2007-02-02, 12:02 AM
I once played a game where three orcs were taken in by "Look! It's the Goodyear blimp!"

Travis is that you?

HeinleinFan
2007-02-02, 01:44 AM
This one happened earlier tonight:

Group of seven (around level 11 or 12 but all gussied up with expensive magic items - one rogue has an AC of 45): Elven rogue, elven rogue / dragonstalker, elven ranger, Dark Sun maenid bard, D.S. human ex-avenger, D.S. human necromancer, and high priestess of Corellon the Elves' god.

We were hired to protect a traveling band of actors who were in danger because one of their shows had involved poking fun at the local assassin's guild. Anyway, the assassins show up during a show and nearly kill two of the actors. We spend a long time killing them - the crowd panics and the lighting's bad, plus we weren't allowed to bring all of our equipment (shields, bows) into the amphitheater. But we eventually manage it - just to have the actors (one bard, one sorceror / bard) turn on us because they've heard how much our heads are worth. (Long story, but let's just say that it isn't good to anger more than one powerful dragon at a time.) Several fireballs and one unusual demon later, the amphitheater is burning, our maenid bard is dead and around thirty high-level warriors, fighters, bards and wizards show up to arrest us. (There was, shall we say, rather extensive collateral damage.)

The high priestess starts trying to negotiate an agreement - the local gov't must recognize that we are under her god's temporary protection, mustn't harm us in any way until the matter is settled, and must take her to a powerful local temple, etc. At some point the ex-avenger says, "Look, guys, I'm fine with just going quietly as long as they don't use handcuffs."

The priestess turns to him in a flash, says "You don't have the right to be arrested!" and goes back to negotiating.

It just totally fit her character.

hewhosaysfish
2007-02-02, 06:51 AM
Travis is that you?

Nope, sorry. Don't know any Travis.

Isn't the Goodyear blimp thing just a Bill and Ted reference anyway? Either that or both our gaming groups are being targetted by the same mind control lasers... Don't play DnD without you tin-foil hat.

Wolf53226
2007-02-02, 10:39 AM
PC1: I go into the corner and do my thingie. {trying to hide the fact that his character is now undead with new powers only him and the GM know about}
GM: You don't see anything.
PC2: I TOLD YOU THAT YOU'D GO BLIND DOING THAT!!!!