View Full Version : Homebrew Pen & Paper RPG Fluff

The Ender
2011-01-27, 04:35 PM
I just wanted some basic criticism of the introductory fluff I've written-up so far for a homebrew project I'm chipping away at.

Specifically, I want to know: Do you find it engaging, and/or was it entertaining to read?

If you think it's terrible, by all means say so, but please be gentle - I'm known to get discouraged by extremely harsh criticism.














2011-01-27, 10:15 PM
Those pictures are too wide; you should spoiler them.

I stopped reading after the first column of the first picture because I had no idea what I was reading, so it was very confusing. (I got that it was futuristic and probably about robots, but beyond that I didn't know what it was supposed to be.) In addition, the "system diagnosis" bit didn't seem at all significant to me, so I started to skim there, which made continuing to skim and eventually to stop reading much easier. (Also, I don't like the two-column format on a computer screen because I have to scroll back up to read the next bit. Save that for when you print it.)

So, on it's own, I found it too confusing to follow. With a proper introduction, it would be better.

2011-01-28, 10:17 PM
I agree. What on Earth is this stuff? Oh, and it's considered polite to other's computer screens and brains to spoiler large images like that.

2011-01-29, 03:54 PM
I actually did read through all this.

First impression: Construction machine accidentally rewrites its own Three Laws of robotics, begins turning people into mobile slaves/servitors and starts building an empire for itself.

Question: What is the game about? Is it about playing as these self-aware machines, fighting against MAM #001? Is it about playing as humans trying to avoid becoming extensions?

Some notes: the time stamp on the logs is a little confusing. It uses non-standard time measurement, so I'm not sure if all this happens in the course of a few days, in the course of a week, years, etc.

In activity log 391 027 8, it appears that MAM rewrote the end of the third protocol, removing a lot of the population control bits and the "First and Second protocols take precedence" bits. I don't know if this was intentional, but given the later events, I don't think it was.

Other than that, it is rather atmospheric, and has a fun growing dread kinda thing going on.