View Full Version : A Villain's side

2011-03-17, 07:23 PM
A comedic story that I've been writing up about a (Mainly) Evil aligned group and there work up to power. I would enjoy some critique but this is mainly supposed to be non-serious and light hearted (Well mainly, you can't have a series without some serious moments and plot.). Inspired by my favorite stick figure comic (Yes it even beats OotS, well more of a tie but I still prefer it) Anti-Heroes.

Corrections for things such as grammar would be appreciated but I normally spell check them within 24 hours.

First chapter is up.

Chapter One: Leakingpen's delight
Peter looked about nervously. His party had already become suspicious of his alignment, and sending him forward to handle the monsters in the dungeon was most likely there way of saying "Burn in hell, scum.". It was a rather standard quest really, "Find this that and this for whatever sentimental bullcrap we had to listen to. God sometimes it feels like my life is a boring game." Peter thought as he pointed his sword to the shadows and moved the torch from the left to the front. Getting a better view of the corridor Peter was shocked by what layed ahead of him. A long row of skeletons, hung up via chains on both sides. Walking forward he calls back to the others "Nothing's ahead, just some decor that'll end up being described to us in excessive detail.". With that information told Peter pointed his torch towards the path he had just walked down. A halfling wizard in a purple robe, gold chain with ruby, orange hair (balding on the top, but makes up for it with sideburns that connect to his beard), a metal wand, and a vulture familiar steps forward into the light. His pale skin implying his lack of outdoor activities. Hardened yellow teeth, biting hard down that seemed to match his brown and dirty gums (Almost cinnamon like, Maf's love of the sweet bun's was obvious from the occasional white on the brown). His purple cloak was in moderate condition, a little wrinkled on the top but in overall sellable condition. That is if you ignored the gargantuan red stain that covers his entire right sleeve, armpit, and most of the side of his chest. His feet only protected by flimsy tan flip flops, stained on the rim. His steel wand, the most elegant object on him (Which wasn't saying much), had a almost egg shaped tip that was embroidered in jewelry, and a dragon head for a hilt. A single cinnamon bun being held in place by the dragons gapping mouth.

"Jeez" the halfling says "You'd think the owner of this dungeon could put some creativety into the design."

"Shut up Maf and wait for the others." Peter snaps back "The last thing I want to do is hear you whine about the world." The torch begins to flicker and Peter looks at Maf with a face that says "Well? Go ahead?" to turn the fire back on with a fireball spell. With a grin Maf walks forward near the torch, motions for it to be brought down, and then motions for Peter himself to lean down and listen to something he has to say. But instead of releasing some words of wisdom Maf uppercuts Peter in the gut and forces him to breathe fire on the torch.

"Vecna's serial killer hand! Stop abusing my heritage just to entertain yourself!" with the fire scorching now Peter was fully visible. He was a red scaled Dragonborn with a scar on his left eye extending all the way down to beneath his lower jaw, his hair semi long tentacle like objects with a ring around eah of them (All coming from the back of his head or the back of the top of his head), and his armor a dark grey with elogant gold swirly designs on it. His helmet only covered the top of his head and made sure to keep a opening for his eyes. His arm had a gap between his wrist and the middle of his forearm for flexibility. Lastly was a large, almost Greek Spartan like shield on his left shoulder. Held loosely in his right hand was his grey Kilij a sharp blade with a thicker head then the rest of the blade. Enscribed on it were several runes and designs, one of which a yellow skull.

Tapping his foot the rest of the party showed up, a Tiefling Priest in chainmail and a Gnoll rogue (Yeoon and Grazghkull respectively). The party was odd, that was certain, but they were on a roll so the idea of bickering was lost on them, and that would end the instant loot division came into the equation. Taking lead Peter looked at Maf with death glares repeatedly. The next 4 minutes were rather uneventful, up until Grazghkull pulled on one of the skeletons arms to lick or nibble what little morsels of flesh remained.

Instantly the skeletons jerked there heads up and stared dead at the party. They stood still, whether it was fear or reaction was hard to tell at the moment.

"Don't move, if my knowledge serves me right they can't see or hear but they can feel your movement." Yeoon said with his lips in a awkward position so that they didn't move to much.

"Tell me Yeoon, have you ever actually read a book about the undead?" Maf questioned, before getting the reply

"Well.... No, not really."

"Well in that case there's only one thing to do, RUN LIKE HELL!" Maf yelled the ending before running forward as fast as his stubby legs could carry him (Which is surprisingly fast). Soon the others were in tow, causing the skeletons to rip the chains off and begin to run after them. With his longer legs and above averse endurance Peter was several feet ahead of Maf, and with this satisfaction he laughed and looked back at the short wizard. Terror splashed across the halflings face. When Peter turned to see what it was the ground collapses around him and he begins to fall downward.

Chapter Two: Death, Mystery, and Pick Pocketing Vulture
Falling, falling, falling, and falling some more. That was the only thing going through Peter's mind as he plummeted into the trap pit. Latching onto a stone hanging precariously from one of the walls in the pit he clutched for dear life. Looking upward he yelled out "TRAP PIT!".

"Wait? What is it?!?" Yeoon yelled back as he fired a repel undead, trying to see what happened.

"It's a strategem used for catching or tricking a unwary prisoner or intruder. BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW! What is important is getting me out of here!" Peter yelled back.

With a turn of his neck he looked down, below him was a long chasm where at the very end of it were several spikes with spikes protruding from the spikes, and even tinier spikes protruding from the spikes that are coming from the biggest spikes. Gulping Peter turns his head back up, all the while thinking "Well, that was rather redundant, and Maf was right what kind of Dungeon Lord would make this kind of trap? I mean seriously what two timing hack would even think of writing up this kind of conce-" but he was cut short by the appearance of Maf's familiar Vulture. Swooping down it landed on the little ledge that Peter had. Crooning it's neck it looked at Peter, and Peter looked back at it, and it looked again at Peter, and Peter looked again at it. They continued to stare at each other, in a little look war, and when it was Peter's 9th time he snapped and yelled "ARE YOU GOING TO HELP OR NOT!".

The vulture squawked, shaking it's head, and nodded at Peter. With a relieved sigh he waited for the Vulture to pick him up and take him to the surface. He was surprised to instead see the Vulture pecking inside of his bag, Peter tried to slap the bird away but with each try he continued to loose balance and ultimately gave up. After a little bit of pecking/searching the Vulture finally took it's head out, it's mouth filled to the brim with all of Peter's rations, and of course you guessed it they were cinnamon roll buns. The Vulture flapped it's wings and began to fly away, Maf's head peaking over the edge, and giggling the entire time. Rage splattered across Peter's face he yelled

"YOU BASTARD! If I die, I'll kill yah!"

"You're going to die anyway, no point in letting your delicious mouth watering food go to waste. Now lets see if my aim is as good as ever, Fireball!" Maf said back to Peter, a streak of fire shooting forward and hitting Peter's hands. Crushing the ledge that he was using. Tumbling back his thoughts were racing a million miles a second "Is this the end? What's death like? Vecna I wish I had gotten climbing training...... HOLY CRAP! I just realized that I CAN save 15% or more on life insurance if I use Cobald. Did I leave the fire on in that orphanage? I hope so, the jerks there didn't give me a crib for my Dracolich hatchling because it's unnatural or a abomination of nature that isn't covered under our insurance. Lets see them refuse me when there on fire! I hope those tickets to the Tony award winning musical "Rend" are worth the GP I spent. Yeesh I could use a taco, oh wait, spiky death...right." He began screaming again just as his feet hit the floor. The spikes at the bottom turned out to be nothing more then an illusion spell. Grinning he stands up straight and notices the trap is 2 inches lower then where his eyeballs are. Placing the palm of his hand on his face repeatedly he grabs onto the ledge, looks over at Maf, and yells "I'm going to kill you!".

However, the natural cave roof above him had different ideas, as the cave began to rumble (Due to several hazardous spells from Maf/Yeoon hitting the walls more then the skeletons), and suddenly a chunk of the rock ceiling began tumbling downward upon him. "Oh, haha, very funny. Rock falls main character dies. How hilarious of you" Peter says as he looks upon the reader and the writer. As the fourth wall reconstructs itself Peter extends his hands to try and stop the rock. Waiting for impending doom Peter is instead met with strange success. The rock was heavy yes, but it was not impossible for him to carry around. A grin across his face Peter was ready to chuck the rock out just as the rock began blasting electric bolts randomly, and shocking Peter. Causing Peter to drop the rock, crushing him underneath it. And with the constant torrent of electricity Peter had thought his chances of survival were slim to none. Which was made even worse when the pit walls smashed together and killed Peter. Everything turned dark, until eventually there was a strange blinding light hitting his eyes.

2011-03-18, 04:46 AM
you said go ahead and critique, so I'm giving you the works. I edit fiction semi-professionally, so, here's the works.

hung up from via chains. -- you need either a from or via, not both.

with that information told peter-- itsounds like the information is telling peter something. Could use a comma, told, peter

your tone changes to conversational when describing the halfing wizard. break it up into a few sentences, and keep the tone. For example, talking about his hair, thats not an aside, its a sentence.
His hair was thinning on top, but he made up for it

you switch into present tense a BUNCH. stick to past tense, it works better for the story.

2011-03-18, 05:59 AM
Thanks Leakingpen, glad to know a good writer (And ironically the one who is most likely going to inherit the writing aspect of my favorite webcomic Anto-Heros that inspired this webcomic.) is critiquing my work. For hung up via chains (and several other mistakes) it was late at night and wrote the thing on a iPod. I'll fix it later when I have a computer at my disposal. The past tense present tense situation was me simply flip flopping. I wasn't entirely sure how to go about writing the story in either past or present, past was the dominating idea but present keeps trying to wiggle in.

And sorry about my humor, I'm not exactly the funny guy and it shows in my writings. I'll fix these mistakes later and probably add chapter 2. Anything else you need to say?

2011-03-18, 10:25 AM
No, the humor worked fine. I got several giggles from it.

It does look like my post got chopped actually. That, or I just imagined putting more stuff in before hiting post (i was up all night with the kids, mine and my niece who was visiting, yay...)

The rest of the descriptions have the same issue as the first, it feels like you are hanging out at a game store, describing your character to a fellow gamer. It needs to feel, when reading it, like your watching a movie of the character, not having his attributes listed. Its a very common issue, one I have a lot too. Good character descriptions are HARD. If you haven't already, and plan on writing fantasy a lot, I would heartily recommend you pick up some of Raymond Feist's books. That man tells a story like no other, and his character descriptions are SPOT ON.

Looking forward to part 2!

2011-03-21, 04:58 PM
Gave the chapter(s [YAY! 2nd chapter is up!]) names, edited it so Maf had ALOT more description, fixed up some mistakes, and added a new chapter. Hope you like it Leakingpen (The title was a natural and obvious choice).

2011-03-22, 06:07 AM
Definitely flows better, still a few typos. first line, there should be their.
is pale skin inclining , his, not is, and what is inclining in this case?

But yeah, the descriptions work a lot better! There are still a few points where you are addressing the audience directly, thats usually a no go for a fantasy story. You are doing a lot of fourth wall breaking, but generally its best to let the CHARACTERS do that.

Hmm... I get what you want to do here, but... Have you given a thought to a narrator character? Intro a talking voice, narrating things, to do someof that for you?

Love the name! Heh. Also, LOVE the callback to the Exclamation movies. (police squad! airplane! naked gun! Top Secret! )