This thread was BS, not any more.

[Hazzardevil]

My origanal fanfic was complete BS so I'm going to start a new thread and pretend this doesn't exist.

[fizzybobnewt]

Seems bit incoherent. Are you rushing because you woke up late? Why did you mention the white paint, is it new and unexplained or simply giving some detail to the scene? If you didn't realize something was wrong, why did you run into your parents' room? If you did realize, why did you eat breakfast first? The part about the weapons, I take it that's about turning into a PC, but it seems very non-sequitur. The whole story seems to zoom by in 3 seconds, everything that happens takes only 1 or 2 sentences. I would recommend more description, even if you want to give the feeling that you're moving really quickly. Not necessarily description of the scenery, but stuff that helps us know what your character is thinking. One last complaint: the madness seems to have started a while back.

Well, I wish I could put some compliments too, but I'm not that good a critic.

[Hazzardevil]

Seems bit incoherent.

1. Are you rushing because you woke up late?

2. Why did you mention the white paint, is it new and unexplained or simply giving some detail to the scene?

3. If you didn't realize something was wrong, why did you run into your parents' room?

4. If you did realize, why did you eat breakfast first?

5. The part about the weapons, I take it that's about turning into a PC, but it seems very non-sequitur.

6. The whole story seems to zoom by in 3 seconds, everything that happens takes only 1 or 2 sentences.

7. I would recommend more description, even if you want to give the feeling that you're moving really quickly.
Not necessarily description of the scenery, but stuff that helps us know what your character is thinking.

8. One last complaint: the madness seems to have started a while back.

Well, I wish I could put some compliments too, but I'm not that good a critic.

For simplicity I have numbered your questions so It's clearer which one I am answering.

1. Yes,

2. I just decided to describe the house a bit.

3. To wake them up for work, this has actually happened before with the alarm clocks breaking and everyone panicking.

4. I'm really not sure,

5. It was mostly an attempt at showing what class I was.

6. I understand and I'll try to solve this issue in a reqrite later on.

7. Right, more description

8. Okay.

Don't feel bad about not having compliments. Now that I look at it my story is actually a piece of crap.

[Hazzardevil]

My new Fanfic and I shall leave the old 1st chapter so all shall know what my writing use to suck as bad as.

[Hazzardevil]

On 300 views I shall start writing teh next chapter.