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Jade Dragon
2011-03-24, 03:13 PM
Expansion of this thread. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=189905)

Part one. I'm a pickpocket, always have been. I'm an orphan, my dad died in a war, my mom died at childbirth. The orphanage I stayed at wasn't well funded, but at least the people were nice. Then, some of us kids got the idea to become pickpockets. I was only eight at the time, but I was one of the best. That was ten years ago. I'm only eighteen, but I'm the leader of our gang. We have our headquarters in an abandoned building at the edge of the city. I play D&D to take my mind off my financial situation.

****

I got out of bed and stretched. My room was overgrown with plants, but that would be my doing. I've always liked the wild. My black cat was laying on my bed.
"Hi Sam," I said, petting him on the head. He yawned.
I got my clothes on and left, greeting the others on my way out.

****

Today was strange. Whenever I picked a pocket, a little number went off in my head. 18. 26. 22. When I got back, Sam was following me all around the building. Alex was writing something down, he looked up as soon as he heard me.
"Hey Ben, you notice the weird stuff going on?" he asked.
"Yeah," I replied.
"Well look at this."
He held up what he'd been writing in. The cover had "spellbook" written on it. Then he opened it up. Inside was writing that seemed to be no more than gibberish.
"They just look like gibberish," I said.
"Ben, they're spells, it's a spellbook."
"Wait..." I closed my eyes and concentrated for a moment. Then they flew open.
"Level 5 gestalt Druid/rogue," I said.
"So it is happening!" Alex exclaimed. "D&D is becoming real!"
"What!? Wait... yeah! It makes sense! And Sam is my animal companion! So what are you?"
"level 4 gestalt wizard/rogue," he replied.
We continued talking for a while. After that, I went to bed, my mind racing. I somehow managed to find sleep that night.
Part two. The next morning, everyone was working on their character sheets.
I walked over to Ryan.
"Hey," I said. "What are you?"
"Level 4 gestalt rogue/swordsage."
"Swordsage? I don't remember you practicing martial arts."
"Well, I was just a rogue, but it said I was gestalt. And there was a voice in my head, telling me to pick a second class. So I picked swordsage."
"You got to choose? I was stuck with rogue/druid. But I would've picked those anyway."
"I think the voice in my head might've been the GM."
"Well, I'm gonna go see what the others got now," I said. Then I walked away.
"Hey Hannah," I said. "What did you get?"
"CG level 4 gestalt rogue/sorcerer."
"Fits with your high charisma and dexterity," I said with a smile.
"Oh, you big flirt."
"Well, I better go see what Ron got."
"Okay, bye."
I walked over to Ron.
"Hey, what did you get?"
"Level 3 gestalt rogue/cleric of freedom," he said. "travel and luck domains."
"Nice."
"Well, you should start working on yours."
"Yeah."
So I started working on mine. This (http://www.myth-weavers.com/sheetview.php?sheetid=285967) was the result.
"My stats aren't that high," I murmured. "being an adventurer must've boosted them. Hey! Guys! Are your stats higher than before?"
"Yeah," Alex said.
"Yep," Ryan replied.
"Mm-hm," Ron said.
"Yes," said Hannah.
"That means we're adventurers!"
"Yeah, I guess it does," said Ryan.
"So... what should we do?" I asked.
"I'm not sure, but for now, we'll just continue what we're doing and look for trouble as we go," Hannah said.
"Well, we should get to work."
"Yeah," Alex said.

****

As soon as I stepped outside, I heard something. I quickly turned to look, and saw a glimpse of something small. I crept over there, when suddenly a goblin with a morningstar attacked! I quickly drew my knife and took him down in a single shot.
"Thank you, flick of the wrist feat and sneak attack +3d6," I said to myself.

****

The rest of the day was nothing beyond normal.
Part three. The next day, my head was a mess of thoughts. Why are monsters appearing? Are there other people of hero status (PC doesn't quite feel right, it makes it seem as if someone's controlling my every action)? If so, where are they? But the one that kept coming back to me was the identity of the DM. Was it God? No, to know the identity of the DM is to break the fourth wall, God was on this side of the fourth wall. But who is the DM?
I finally decided that the DM was running this campaign whether I knew his(?) identity or not.

****

I was about to leave when I heard what sounded like a large humanoid walking outside.
"Guys," I whispered. "Do you hear that?"
Suddenly, a large, ugly head appeared in the doorway.
"Ogre," Hannah said. "I'll handle it."
She muttered a few words and waved her hands around, and I felt a sleepy feeling roll over my head. The ogre closed it's eyes and began to nod off.
"Alright, the spell only lasts four minutes," Hannah said. "But it's still easy XP."
I walked over to it, grimacing at the smell, and delivered a coup de grace, dealing 24 damage. Ryan quickly delivered an unarmed coup de grace, finishing it off. 200 XP.

****

That day, when I was out, I was about to pick someone's pocket, when I noticed they had pointed ears.
"An elf?" I said.
The elf turned.
"Who are you?" he said, backing off warily.
"You're an elf."
"Oh, yeah, that's what showed up on my character sheet."
I was truly perplexed at this, but considering what was happening, I was unsurprised.
"Me and my friends are all human," I said.
"Well, maybe that's what fits you best," he replied.
"Yeah, probably," I said. "So what class are you?"
"Level 4 gestalt ranger/druid."
"I'm a level 5 gestalt rogue/druid."
"A fellow nature lover, eh? But where's the rogue from?"
I shifted nervously. "You don't want to know," I replied.
"Why not?"
"Erm..."
He looked shocked. "You're a thief!?"
"Yeah, kinda."
"Were you gonna steal from me!?"
"Yeah, but I kinda live by a code of honor. Take their wallet, get half of whatever money is in there, and put the wallet back."
"So you were gonna steal from me."
"Yeah," I said, looking sheepish.
"Why?"
"I'm poor. I live with my friends in an abandoned building at the edge of the city. And I'm not accepting charity!"
"Well, if you want to work for your money, I heard there's a young red dragon just a few miles out of the city."
"What treasure does it have?"
"The standard treasure for it's kind, mainly magic items."
Magic items? Jackpot!
"I'll do it!"
"Glad that's settled, now here's a map," he said, holding out a map.
I took it and put it into my pocket. We'd do this tomorrow, but for now, I had a job to do.
Part four. Incomplete. When I got back that night, I explained the situation to them. The map said the dragon was located in the old high school a few miles out.

****

When I stepped in to the school, the first thing I noticed was the noise. There was pounding and yelling and moving. There were too main types of voices. There were higher pitched voices that must sounded like they were arguing, and there were normal pitched voices that sounded like they were shouting commands. The noise was coming from the left, but to the right the air felt warmer.
"The dragon must be to the right," I said.
"Well, we can either deal with him or his minions first," Ryan said. "I have no doubt we'll face both."
"I say we go to the dragon first," Hannah said. "I'll keep hitting him with ray of enfeeblement, forcing him to rely on his breath weapon. And we have evasion."
"That is an advantage," I said. "We all have good reflex saves and evasion. Alex, what spells did you prepare?"
"Mage armor, ray of enfeeblement twice, summon monster I, web, Melf's acid arrow, and bull's strength," he said.
"Alright," I said, "here's the plan..."
Hannah would come with me to face the dragon, with Alex casting bull's strength on Ryan and then coming with us. Ryan would use mighty throw and hatchling's flame a lot, to get a good amount of the dragon's servants. If there were too many, he's come running after a couple attacks, with Alex casting web on the hallway behind him. Ron would first use bless on all of us, and then go with Ryan to hit the enemies with bane.

Zolkabro
2011-03-24, 04:22 PM
I like it!

A few notes:
You need to give it a basic proofread. There are some grammar and punctuation mistakes, and some are very simple, line putting a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence, or a new line for a new person speaking.
I like the animal companion thing, nice name, and it also reminded me that I had forgotten about one for the Druid in my story. Thanks for the reminder! :smalleek:
Also, you are kind of copying Cog's story. You need some more inventiveness! Originality! I'm counting on you!

I know I'm being nitpicky, but I'd actually appreciate it if you did the same to mine. I want to edit these until they are the best we can make them! :smallbiggrin:

Jade Dragon
2011-03-24, 04:34 PM
I like it!

A few notes:
You need to give it a basic proofread. There are some grammar and punctuation mistakes, and some are very simple, line putting a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence, or a new line for a new person speaking.
I like the animal companion thing, nice name, and it also reminded me that I had forgotten about one for the Druid in my story. Thanks for the reminder! :smalleek:
Also, you are kind of copying Cog's story. You need some more inventiveness! Originality! I'm counting on you!

I know I'm being nitpicky, but I'd actually appreciate it if you did the same to mine. I want to edit these until they are the best we can make them! :smallbiggrin:

It's not even close to an exact copy, but it is sorta copying it. I also checked over the grammar a little and fixed what I found. I also meant to change Tom to level 5, which I did now.

Here's the basic outline of the characters.

Jacob: the main character, he's based off me.
Tom: the group's DM, he's calm and smart.
Emily: Jacob's girlfriend, she doesn't play D&D.
John: just your average everyday powergamer/actor.
Lia: former spy for the military.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-24, 08:24 PM
Part three is up.

The Glyphstone
2011-03-24, 09:25 PM
"corrupt organizations, like major processed food corporations"

Gerber's Baby Food is made of people? Little Debbie uses orphans to fuel her ovens?:smallbiggrin:

Jade Dragon
2011-03-24, 09:25 PM
"corrupt organizations, like major processed food corporations"

Gerber's Baby Food is made of people? Little Debbie uses orphans to fuel her ovens?:smallbiggrin:

Fine, I'll change it.

The Glyphstone
2011-03-24, 09:26 PM
No, don't. I just thought it was funny that food companies would be your example of corruption. Also, I wanted to make a Soylent Green joke.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-24, 09:33 PM
No, don't. I just thought it was funny that food companies would be your example of corruption. Also, I wanted to make a Soylent Green joke.

Well I mean companies like those who genetically modify the food.

The Glyphstone
2011-03-24, 09:39 PM
I don't think those actually exist yet. The only genemodded foods being used so far, unless you're a wacky conspiracy theorist, are stuff like corn that's designed with built-in bug repellent to protect the crops. One of the big reasons that people are trying to keep genes from being patentable is to stop companies from doing things like coding in 'terminator genes' that prevent seeds from being viable, forcing farmers to buy new stock every year.

If you do want to change it, Big Oil is always a convenient target for abuse.


But this is way off topic. More wacky hijinks should ensue.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-24, 09:42 PM
I don't think those actually exist yet. The only genemodded foods being used so far, unless you're a wacky conspiracy theorist, are stuff like corn that's designed with built-in bug repellent to protect the crops. One of the big reasons that people are trying to keep genes from being patentable is to stop companies from doing things like coding in 'terminator genes' that prevent seeds from being viable, forcing farmers to buy new stock every year.

If you do want to change it, Big Oil is always a convenient target for abuse.


But this is way off topic. More wacky hijinks should ensue.

Well that's what I meant, the bug repellents and stuff.

And about the story, I'm as unsure about what happens next as the characters are.

Zolkabro
2011-03-25, 01:38 AM
Some interesting devolopments. I love the ideas for what to do next, perhaps in teh future all these could be done!

But the story is sort of:
'This happens. Then this happens. Then this happens.'
With no real descriptions or internal thought inbetween. When writing in 1st Person, you need to put plenty of internal thought. What is the main character thinking? How wil he react to stuff? Despite what he says, does he apporve of the other's ideas? Etc.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-25, 05:43 PM
Part four is up.

Tychris1
2011-03-25, 05:54 PM
So police are perfectly fine with Vigilantes coming in and handing over beaten up criminals with a CROSSBOW BOLT IN HIS LEG, and even if it was removed he'd be bleeding like there's no tomorrow (Which there won't be for that thug). Also they seemed to be really casual about it, and were somehow able to figure out that they're from two different gangs. I'm fairly surprised that the first thug didn't just run away when the main character dropped from a building and drop punched the guy across the face. It may not be lethal but I can swear on my black heart that they're gona have alot of broken bones. Heck, why would the thug even threaten the main character if he helped him win the fight?

I'm not trying to be mean or anything it's just that I had to point out those incidents in your fourth update.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-25, 06:02 PM
So police are perfectly fine with Vigilantes coming in and handing over beaten up criminals with a CROSSBOW BOLT IN HIS LEG, and even if it was removed he'd be bleeding like there's no tomorrow (Which there won't be for that thug). Also they seemed to be really casual about it, and were somehow able to figure out that they're from two different gangs. I'm fairly surprised that the first thug didn't just run away when the main character dropped from a building and drop punched the guy across the face. It may not be lethal but I can swear on my black heart that they're gona have alot of broken bones. Heck, why would the thug even threaten the main character if he helped him win the fight?

I'm not trying to be mean or anything it's just that I had to point out those incidents in your fourth update.

I couldn't figure out how the policeman would react, but remember that this was after they had told 'em everything. Maybe I should just delete it until I can think of something better.

Tychris1
2011-03-25, 06:09 PM
Wait, so they don't want themselves to be probed and dissected but they then spill the beans about everything to the police???

I think you should revise it, taking it out and saving it on word or something and then release something a bit more edited and planned out. It's not a race (I notice you are updating rapidly) so take your time.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-25, 06:12 PM
Wait, so they don't want themselves to be probed and dissected but they then spill the beans about everything to the police???

I think you should revise it, taking it out and saving it on word or something and then release something a bit more edited and planned out. It's not a race (I notice you are updating rapidly) so take your time.
I'm not talking about the D&D stuff, I'm talking about where they got the two guys.

Yeah... maybe I'll just try to leave the police our entirely. But I'm taking it down for now.

Never mind, I'm just gonna change it, I figured out how without overhauling the entire part.

Edit: changed.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-25, 06:58 PM
Okay, I just took out part four entirely.

Zolkabro
2011-03-26, 08:12 AM
Okay, I just took out part four entirely.

I didn't get to read part four, but I hope the new version will be good!

Jade Dragon
2011-03-26, 10:12 AM
I didn't get to read part four, but I hope the new version will be good!

Actually, I think I'm gonna scrap this and redo it entirely, I've already got an idea for the new one.

Zolkabro
2011-03-26, 10:25 AM
Actually, I think I'm gonna scrap this and redo it entirely, I've already got an idea for the new one.

Including characters? :smalleek:
Even if you rewrite it, are you sure you want to entirely scrap all that you've done so far? The characters seem pretty good, albeit a little monk-heavy.

But if you think that you can make it better, then please, go ahead! I can't wait!:smallbiggrin:

Jade Dragon
2011-03-26, 11:08 AM
Part one of the new story is up.

Never mind.

Zolkabro
2011-03-26, 12:27 PM
Part one of the new story is up.

Never mind.

Why never mind? I'm sure it would have been great! Please don't say you're giving up!

Jade Dragon
2011-03-26, 12:39 PM
Put up an unfinished part one.

Zolkabro
2011-03-26, 01:08 PM
I love this new bit. I knwo it's just a beginning, but it is an astounding improvement.
Druid/Rogue?

Jade Dragon
2011-03-26, 01:59 PM
I love this new bit. I knwo it's just a beginning, but it is an astounding improvement.
Druid/Rogue?

Yeah, Druid/rogue.

Zolkabro
2011-03-26, 03:19 PM
Yeah, Druid/rogue.

Knew it. :smallbiggrin:

I also like the bit about dice rolls appearing in her head.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-26, 06:37 PM
Part one completed! It's a bit short though.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-27, 02:36 PM
Part two is up.

Hazzardevil
2011-03-27, 04:07 PM
I don't think those actually exist yet. The only genemodded foods being used so far, unless you're a wacky conspiracy theorist, are stuff like corn that's designed with built-in bug repellent to protect the crops. One of the big reasons that people are trying to keep genes from being patentable is to stop companies from doing things like coding in 'terminator genes' that prevent seeds from being viable, forcing farmers to buy new stock every year.

If you do want to change it, Big Oil is always a convenient target for abuse.


But this is way off topic. More wacky hijinks should ensue.

Just a quick note, the terminater gene thing in my opinoin is the epitome of evil in the modern world, well the most common after class A offences.


Some interesting devolopments. I love the ideas for what to do next, perhaps in teh future all these could be done!

But the story is sort of:
'This happens. Then this happens. Then this happens.'
With no real descriptions or internal thought inbetween. When writing in 1st Person, you need to put plenty of internal thought. What is the main character thinking? How wil he react to stuff? Despite what he says, does he apporve of the other's ideas? Etc.


I must agree you have this problem, but I have/had these problems too. But I just seem to keep coming back once a week to write a chapter for my own Dnd fanfic.

Zolkabro
2011-03-28, 04:30 PM
Just a quick note, the terminater gene thing in my opinoin is the epitome of evil in the modern world, well the most common after class A offences.




I must agree you have this problem, but I have/had these problems too. But I just seem to keep coming back once a week to write a chapter for my own Dnd fanfic.

When you quote my thing, I realise just how many typos there are. Wow. I suck at typing. :smalleek:

Jade Dragon
2011-03-28, 04:55 PM
Is my new story better than my old one? Because maybe I should rewrite part two.

Zolkabro
2011-03-28, 04:59 PM
Is my new story better than my old one? Because maybe I should rewrite part two.

Part 1 is brilliant, I love it, don't you dare rewrite it.
Part 2 is also better than the old version, but I don't think it is as good as Part 1. It is going back to the same problem of too much dialogue and not enough thoughts and description. But I think it will be okay as it is.
It's up to you, though. If you are unsatisfied then do what you like.

Tychris1
2011-03-28, 05:25 PM
Part 1 is brilliant, I love it, don't you dare rewrite it.
Part 2 is also better than the old version, but I don't think it is as good as Part 1. It is going back to the same problem of too much dialogue and not enough thoughts and description. But I think it will be okay as it is.
It's up to you, though. If you are unsatisfied then do what you like.

I have to agree on that, don't outright change number 2 but learn from your mistakes again. Keep things a mixture of dialogue, thoughts, and good descriptions.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-28, 05:43 PM
An incomplete part three is up.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-30, 12:53 PM
Part three complete!

Zolkabro
2011-03-30, 03:33 PM
Ooh, nice cliffhanger.
Looking forward to the next bit!

A piece of advice:
When he fights the Red Dragon, make sure the fight isn't too easy. It makes for a much better read if it is a challenge. Increase the tension, having him worry about his chances, etc.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-30, 03:41 PM
Ooh, nice cliffhanger.
Looking forward to the next bit!

A piece of advice:
When he fights the Red Dragon, make sure the fight isn't too easy. It makes for a much better read if it is a challenge. Increase the tension, having him worry about his chances, etc.

It's a couple levels above them anyway, so it definitely won't be easy. Ogre is only CR 3 against a party with an average level of 4.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-30, 10:11 PM
Part four is up. I also added chapter titles.

Gimliggamer
2011-03-30, 10:15 PM
I don't think those actually exist yet. The only genemodded foods being used so far, unless you're a wacky conspiracy theorist, are stuff like corn that's designed with built-in bug repellent to protect the crops. One of the big reasons that people are trying to keep genes from being patentable is to stop companies from doing things like coding in 'terminator genes' that prevent seeds from being viable, forcing farmers to buy new stock every year.

If you do want to change it, Big Oil is always a convenient target for abuse.


But this is way off topic. More wacky hijinks should ensue.
Um, actually, those do exist. I had to watch a whole movie about it in science class. For one, there is the soy bean Genetically Modified seed that farmers must keep buying, and there are lawsuits over those seeds drifting into other farms. The company actually has people patrolling around hunting for them. Trust me, there are corrupt food companies.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-30, 10:17 PM
Um, actually, those do exist. I had to watch a whole movie about it in science class. For one, there is the soy bean Genetically Modified seed that farmers must keep buying, and there are lawsuits over those seeds drifting into other farms. The company actually has people patrolling around hunting for them. Trust me, there are corrupt food companies.

Yeah, I think I watched that. If I didn't, it was something similar.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-31, 07:47 AM
Okay, I took part four down.

The Glyphstone
2011-03-31, 08:43 AM
Um, actually, those do exist. I had to watch a whole movie about it in science class. For one, there is the soy bean Genetically Modified seed that farmers must keep buying, and there are lawsuits over those seeds drifting into other farms. The company actually has people patrolling around hunting for them. Trust me, there are corrupt food companies.
...those...would be the Terminator genes I explicitly mentioned. That is corrupt, yes.
What they're not doing is inducing modifications in the food itself, not the seed. They're not mixing, say, coca leaf genes into lettuce to make Brand X Lettuce become addictive.

And...I looked it up. The Monsato Company that sells said soybeans are selling 'genetically modified seed' in that it's seed where they wrote a genetic trademark stamp on it. The farmers have to sign a contract that forces them not to resell or store seed they buy from Monsato, and get sued if they break the contract. The seed itself isn't modified except to register as 'yes' under a 'Is this our patented soybean seed' test.

Holding the farmers over a barrel like that is unethical, but I wouldn't call it corrupt. Corruption would be sneaking in said terminator genes without telling customers, then denying everything when their crops failed.

Jade Dragon
2011-03-31, 08:49 AM
Gimliggamer, what was the thing you watched called? The one I watched was called food Inc.

Zolkabro
2011-03-31, 03:14 PM
Okay, I took part four down.

Why did you take it down?

Jade Dragon
2011-03-31, 03:54 PM
Why did you take it down?

Eh, it wasn't very good, but I'm working on a new one right now.

Zolkabro
2011-04-01, 11:21 AM
Eh, it wasn't very good, but I'm working on a new one right now.

Fair enough. Good luck with the new one!

Jade Dragon
2011-04-08, 11:49 AM
Okay, short amount of part four is up.

Jade Dragon
2011-04-22, 03:10 PM
This has been going slow, but I'm not really into writing right now. I'll get to it eventually.

Jade Dragon
2011-05-19, 08:03 PM
Okay, will start writing this again, at least 'til this arc is finished. Then I will wait until some time has passed in the others stories, and timeskip in this one.