Iron Poet XIII

[Vaynor]

Welcome to Iron Poet, Round Thirteen!!

Rules

1) Only the first 16 respondents expressing a desire to compete will be the contestants. It IS a first come, first served basis.

2) The contest will consist of a number of rounds pitting 2 randomly determined poets against each other until only one contestant remains (winner).

3) Each match-up will be given a theme, picture, article, subject, or other criteria to write on, and the poem submitted must match this as much as possible. Stricter following of prompts may help you win. Prompts that are words may be interpreted in any way (and any form of the word can be used), but keep in mind the judge may not see the connection if it's too ambiguous.

4) The winner as determined by a panel of judges will advance to the next round.

5) In case of a judge or judges not posting judgments in a timely manner, Vaynor will adjudicate and determine the winner.

6) The poems will be limited to 1000 words with a 50 word minimum

7) The entries will be poems. All forms of poetry are acceptable, as long as they meet the required word lengths. If your chosen style is too short, you are free to make two of them, i.e., you may make a limerick with 48 words, then add another limerick, still following the same theme, to reach the required word length.

8) All posted deadlines will given in as much time zones as possible, as labeled.

9) No late entries will be accepted. If you don't post or fail to post by the deadline, you will be disqualified. A 15 minute grace period is allowed. You have one freebie per contest, use it wisely. This allows you to be up to half a day late (12 hours) with your poem (no more).

10) If your entry does not include the article(s) and the picture(s), you will most likely lose because of it, however this will not disqualify your poem, as poems are judged on best use of the prompts.

11) The judgments are final. What the judges decide is how it is.

12) The entries will only include content suitable for the Playground.

13) Anything not clear will be decided by me.

14) The contestants will have 1 week (roughly) from the bracket posting to get their entries posted.

15) Post your poems in spoilers. Judges: do not read poems before the round ends.

16) Feel free to edit the post with your poem in it until the round ends. After that, any additional edits will disqualify you (barring a use of your half-day extension).

17) Judges have 1 week to complete judgments. If not all judges respond by this time, the round will be decided as if the late judges were not a part of it (i.e. if there are 5 judges to begin with and only 3 are on time, the round will be decided with 2 votes as opposed to 3). If there are only an even number of judgments, I will cast the remaining vote.

THE IRON POET HALL OF FAME
1. Ravyn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43424)
2. Rubakhin (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54933)
3. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69302)
4. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76283)
5. Truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=82545)
6. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93376)
7. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106066)
8. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=119306)
9. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=141907)
10. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=155861)
11. Rutskarn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=172822)
12. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=182448)

Contestants:


Sarco Phage
Haruki-kun
Szilard
Vollmond
azuyomi244
Asthix
The Fiery Tower
The JJ
Silviya
SaintRidley
Emlyn
Averagejoe
DreamintheDark
Kneenibble
Phae Nymna
Maulrus




Judges:

Alarra
leakingpen
CWater
Gaelbert
Joosbawx





POTENTIAL APPLICANTS FOR THE JUDGE POSITION TAKE NOTE: THESE CONTESTS LAST A LONG TIME AND THIS IS NOT A FLEETING RESPONSIBILITY. IF YOU SIGN UP I EXPECT YOU TO POST JUDGMENTS ON TIME. IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO POST JUDGMENTS, TELL ME. THANK YOU.

[Sarco_Phage]

Signing up as a contestant.

[Haruki-kun]

This time I'd like to participate as a contestant.

[Alarra]

I shall judge this time.

[Szilard]

In as a contestant again.

[vollmond]

Okay, let's give this another shot. At least I know Alarra won't dash my hopes in the first round :smallwink:

[leakingpen]

Getting to the finals last time, I figure it only fair I judge this outing as well. So that I can have my vengeance against alarra next round! BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH! uhh.. i mean... uhh......

<_< >_> yeah....

[Azuyomi244]

I'd like to try this again :smallsmile:

[Asthix]

I'll be a contestant!

[TFT]

Signing up as a contestant.

[CWater]

Hi! I'd like to try judging this time. Is that possible?

[Vaynor]

Hi! I'd like to try judging this time. Is that possible?

Certainly! We sure are getting a lot of judges, I may have to ask some of them to be contestants if this keeps up!

[The_JJ]

Umm... I could be a contestant, I guess.


Note: this is an impulse decision made at ~4 am local time. Hilarity may well ensue.

[Silviya]

I'd like to sign up as a contestant.

[SaintRidley]

There's space? I'm in as a contestant.

[Emlyn]

I'd like to compete if that's alright.

[averagejoe]

Contesting that the contest involves contestants.

No wait, that's silly. Just sign me up.

[Gaelbert]

Are you only using 4 judges? When did this happen, and why?
Also, I'd like to judge.

[Vaynor]

Are you only using 4 judges? When did this happen, and why?
Also, I'd like to judge.

Nope, I just have a [list] set up with the correct amount of 's, and it only fills in the next number.

[DreamintheDark]

I suppose I'm in, if I can. =D

[CWater]

Soo, we would appear to need three more contestants, yes?

[Vaynor]

Yup, three more and we can get this started.

[Kneenibble]

Put me down as a contestant, please.

It's been a while.

[Phae Nymna]

Sign me up as an entrant please!

[Kneenibble]

By the way, is the artist formerly known as truemane still alive and working his instrument?

[Maulrus]

I'll take the last spot!

[Vaynor]

Awesome, the first round will be up tomorrow.

[averagejoe]

By the way, is the artist formerly known as truemane still alive and working his instrument?

That depends on your definition of several things.

[Kneenibble]

That depends on your definition of several things.

Suppose we start with the first part. He won't return my letters and I fear the worst.

[Joosbawx]

if you still need a judge I would be happy to sit.

[Haruki-kun]

Suppose we start with the first part. He won't return my letters and I fear the worst.

He changed his name (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/member.php?u=23480), didn't he? And was last online yesterday.

[Vaynor]

Sorry for the delay.

Iron Poet XIII: Round One

Kneenibble vs. Sarco Phage: Cape
SaintRidley vs. Szilard: Surface
Maulrus vs. Vollmond: Coordinate
Emlyn vs. The Fiery Tower: Slum
The JJ vs. azuyomi244: Mobilize
Silviya vs. Haruki-kun: Devolve
Averagejoe vs. Asthix: Dwindle
Phae Nymna vs. DreamintheDark: Consume

Deadline: Sunday, May 1st 2011 at 11:59 pm (EDT).

[Maulrus]

Just so I don't go writing a poem about the wrong thing: is this "coordinate" in the sense of the verb, the noun or the adjective?

[Vaynor]

Right, I forgot that some people may not be familiar with this. I think I mention it in the rules, but if not, the prompts can be interpreted in any way you want to interpret them. For example, the prompt "cape" could refer to the body of land, the garment, etc.

[Maulrus]

Right, I forgot that some people may not be familiar with this. I think I mention it in the rules, but if not, the prompts can be interpreted in any way you want to interpret them. For example, the prompt "cape" could refer to the body of land, the garment, etc.

Derp I managed to ignore the second rule. Thanks for the response, looking forward to getting started on this!

[Vaynor]

Derp I managed to ignore the second rule. Thanks for the response, looking forward to getting started on this!

I just edited the rules, don't feel too badly. :smallwink:

[truemane]

By the way, is the artist formerly known as truemane still alive and working his instrument?

I am alive. I'm just nursing a deep and unnecessary bitterness at how the last Iron Poet worked out. And all the worse since it was no one's fault so I can't actually be angry at anyone in particular. Hate it when that happens.

Also, I am still working my instrument. Daily.

Thank you for the thought, Kneebs. Consider my cockles warmed.

[averagejoe]

Also, I am still working my instrument. Daily.

Hehehehe. :smallwink:

[Asthix]

I am alive. I'm just nursing a deep and unnecessary bitterness at how the last Iron Poet worked out. And all the worse since it was no one's fault so I can't actually be angry at anyone in particular. *snip

As one of the judges for that round, I can say that it was a really close call between you and Phoe's poem. I liked it a lot.

[PhoeKun]

I am alive. I'm just nursing a deep and unnecessary bitterness at how the last Iron Poet worked out. And all the worse since it was no one's fault so I can't actually be angry at anyone in particular. Hate it when that happens.

Also, I am still working my instrument. Daily.

Thank you for the thought, Kneebs. Consider my cockles warmed.

This breaks my heart to hear. I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, and I hope with every fiber of my being that the cloud hanging over you clears quickly.

[truemane]

As one of the judges for that round, I can say that it was a really close call between you and Phoe's poem. I liked it a lot.

At the risk of making a something out of a nothing, losing Round One didn't bother me in the slightest. I don't want people to think I'm bitter about losing. I'm not.

Blech. Should have kept my mouth shut.

[Kneenibble]

I am alive. I'm just nursing a deep and unnecessary bitterness at how the last Iron Poet worked out. And all the worse since it was no one's fault so I can't actually be angry at anyone in particular. Hate it when that happens.

Also, I am still working my instrument. Daily.

Thank you for the thought, Kneebs. Consider my cockles warmed.

Ah. Good. The people I want to see when I'm here dwindle too much lately.

*squints*
I don't know about the new name though.

Are you incognito after working your instrument in public?

[Maulrus]

I'm gonna go ahead and post my poem.

Prompt: Coordinate (which apparently can mean "an equal")
Title: ... at the top
Without peer, he stands alone,
a carefully constructed exterior
that daily suppresses contentment prone:
a private mind by the plebes unknown.

Man’s great weakness is desire;
of love, of lively normalcy.
So who can find fault with such a sire
whose want for life hymns as a choir?

While flanked by thousands of subordinates,
all a poor man wants is just one coordinate.

[Haruki-kun]

Prompt: Devolve
Title: The End

Do we live on after the story's end?
The test of time, do we sustain?
To classic shelves? Do we ascend?
Or will our efforts slowly wane?

My villain vanquished, I thought I was done
All loose ends tied up, the conflicts all gone.
But surely there’s something else that can happen?
Why not take advantage if the audience is clapping?

The life I lived in years to come,
It could be milked for a juicy sum!
The quest my sidekick went on to take…
Go on. Tell the story. Just my honor’s at stake.

Have they forsaken this sequel craze?
Nay, the fans need to know about my high school days!
And the villain’s own story! Oh, poor guy, you see…
His dad was murdered by a Christmas Tree.

Was this ever the author’s intent?
I'm very sure it's not what he meant.
And if it was, this has gone on too far.
Surely you don’t think this story’s on par?

For the sake of the saga, I beg of you, friends,
Please let me die when my story ends.

[Asthix]

Prompt: Dwindle

Title: Spindrift and Ropeburn
The sea it swelled, the spray it soared

O'er all the limey swabs on board


A fight to win the catch today

The right for us to have our say


Our quarry aft, ropes fast around

Upon its flesh, harpoons abound


With sweat selfsame as briny mist

On bicep flexed, the ship did list


While sun was high no strength they'd lack

Against the beast they all pulled back


Yet there already, one who lags

That downward gaze. A face that sags


So by the day, jacks one by one

Through all their verve in turn, did run


To eventide the struggle raged

A tug of war at sea was waged


Till fading rime of suns last light

Shone on the Tars' increasing plight


And like a zipper now unfolding

Sailors hands all ceased from holding


The creature boiled and wheeled about

A final insult, sprayed its spout


Then hove off for yon distant shore

Leviathan! Be seen no more!


It's what the captain bravely said

In tales told in landlocked homestead


But we were there, us deckhands know

How our good Captain closed the show


"Men," he said, "we were inspired

To catch the prize we so desired."


"In truth I'm glad the notion's fled.

Lets chase it now in dreams instead."

[Phae Nymna]

Prompt: Consume
Title: Across the Serengeti
Across the Serengeti
From Sea to blazing Sea
A dying Zebra lies alone
A sight for all to see

Its sides are split
By claws all ripped
Emitting in the fray
A cry that that pierces
Through the dust
And farther yet to far away

The Vultures soar
As Lions gore
And the Beast does buck and bray
Though the circle it completes
Allows the passing of the Day

Devoured in the peak of life
It connects the cyclic ring
Fulfilling one most simple step
To feed the Beast the World calls King

[DreamintheDark]

Prompt: Consume
Title: Lost
I looked at you calmly,
Pleas of help coming from my mouth,
Only to be met with ignorance.
Consumed by the pain inside,
You ignored me and cast me aside.
I try to break through,
The darkness is too strong.
I'm unable to break through, to save you,
To save me.

“Why?” I whisper, unable to breathe,
Air trying to escape from my broken lips.
You stared at me, like I was something,
The way you did once before.
The look in your eyes was blank,
Dark and unruly, the color drained from your face,
Breaking my heart, cutting all ties,
Consumed by darkness, and I try to fight,
The light never shines through, the deepest black of the night,
Unable to keep awake, unable to keep alive.

I stepped back, lightly but sure,
Knowing you were gone.
"This is no longer you,
The person you were once before.
Where has he gone?"
I turned quickly, running my hardest,
Trying to escape the pain,
The pain from you, the pain from me,
Only to come back to you

[SaintRidley]

Edit - 1/15/12:

Poem removed for reworking prior to submission to a contest with publication. Should you wish to read the reworked version, please PM me. Thank you.

[Silviya]

Prompt: Devolve
Title: The Last to Fade

Spiraling--
Down, towards the center
Of your Universe.
There, find a door, and enter
Time goes in reverse.

Down--
Climb down the stairs
That crumble beneath your feet.
Here, no one cares
If a heart ceases to beat.

See--
In blackness, the stars
Their light, fading.
There, the far planet of Mars
You sit now, waiting.

Falling--
The galaxies in the sky
You watch now
As all begins to die
But you don't know how.

Empty--
All will be soon
Completely drowned.
Where is the moon?
Now it cannot be found.

Spreading--
Is that deep black
Now taking away
What can never be gotten back
The sun, the moon, the day.

Nothing--
Will remain and exist
Once the work is done.
Only nothing will persist
Not a single soul, not one.

Immortality--
Is something that none possess or desire
Not even the Universe.
And as all is consumed by nonexistent fire
To be the last is your curse.

Descending--
Before you, all is falling
The galaxies going out.
No explosions, no voices screaming
Now there is no doubt.

Fading--
The stars, fading away
This Universe is dying.
There is no night, there is no day
All you hear is crying.

Darkness--
Not even it will remain
Once all is done.
There's nothing now to gain
When you're the only one.

Time--
Twisting, turning, winding
Turning right around.
Slowing, but never quite stopping
Chaotic, no order to be found.

Crumbling--
Is your world around you
As you watch it become unmade.
There's nothing you can do
You'll be the last to fade.

Gone--
Are the stars now
Are the planets, the galaxies.
And you wonder how
Nothing is all that the world sees.

Devolving--
It's not chaos or order
Real or imaginary
Not life or death
Watch it alone
Fading away
Crumbling
Going out
Falling
Dying.

The Universe
Dissolving.

[Kneenibble]

Prompt: Cape

accession

we work in the archives together.
she got me the job.
there is a rapport.

on the day
she and I, we celebrate;
we have no champagne,
only our shared work:
two archivists with their patience
to listen to the dead.

and so, instead, an impromptu hajj
to the tomb of the stacks
with a relic object in mind
divined from an arcane finding aid:
"Item: Two unidentified red capes".

the air in the little storage room
is cooled and dried, while outside
an Egypt-like August boils away.
it's all silent shelves lined
with supine gray Hollinger boxes
and a few mummy-leather ledgers,
clam-fast. but with eyes wide,
we lift up a cardboard slab
not shifted some thirty years hence:

red. red velvet, rich heavy drape,
regal lustre under the flourescent flicker:
yes, some bare threads,
yes the pile bald in patches;
but all in all, preserved as if embalmed.
even alive.
mine, a string tie; hers, a pewter hook-and-eye.

we laugh, we pose, robed;
we begin to commune
with the functions in the folds:
the costume of a murdered English king
enacted by some fabulous student dramatist?
the mantle of a doctor of divinity
conferring the sober scroll of convocation?
God alone knows,
but we weave our guesses nevertheless.

in a hermetic silence that ensues
the stacked stone-gray boxes witness
how we nearly identify the truth.
it's red on her velvet mouth
and she reads it on mine
undisclosed.
it is not what we expected to find.
and we box the red capes back to rest
and we lock the little storage room shut

and we dance back to work
bearing a bright secret
shared by the dead and us.
there is a rapport.

(I will be editing this before the deadline.)

[The_JJ]

Prompt: Mobilize

Proselytize and catalyze and fraternize and galvanize and tantalize and scandalize and rhapsodize and canonize and…
patronize?

And here we go
Now you know
A man moves
Land smoothes
Yesterday’s sunlight
Zoos and schools
Empty places

Meet me up town
Oh, and forget your frown
Bring the new look
I’ll have a hook
Let’s go back down
I’ll bring your crown
Zoos and schools all
Empty places

Run the lights
Eat the noise
All the spaces
Loves your graces
In the night, bring the boys
Zoos and schools. Oh,
Empty places.

[Szilard]

Prompt: Surface

Tears in the Rain
Drip drop
Water drops
Splashing here or there
But not quite everywhere

They splash and plop
Just on top
Lake? Ocean? River?
Doesn’t matter

Just on the surface
Never getting past
Nor past her face
Not enough to last

She can see you
You see her too
Do you know her?
Or just look at her?

Do you know what she’s thinking?
What her brain is linking?

No matter how hard you rain
You’ll only break the surface

[TFT]

Well, I'm going to apologize in advance if I don't actually get a poem out in time. The fact that I just could not think of a good poem to fit the prompt combined with this past week being one of the toughest weeks I've had in college yet led to it being very easy to avoid trying to get down this poem, and I don't think I can actually finish a good one before time runs out :smallfrown:. I'm going to try though.

[Kneenibble]

Well, I'm going to apologize in advance if I don't actually get a poem out in time. The fact that I just could not think of a good poem to fit the prompt combined with this past week being one of the toughest weeks I've had in college yet led to it being very easy to avoid trying to get down this poem, and I don't think I can actually finish a good one before time runs out :smallfrown:. I'm going to try though.

You should try! - you have that half-day coin to spend, remember.

[vollmond]

Prompt: Coordinate

Six of one, half-dozen of another
Brothers, born of the same royal mother
Twins, neither one older than t'other

Birthright assigned, immediately lost
Sons' lives entwined, futures criss-crossed
Subjects' and commoners' flesh bears the cost

Identical twins, one soon to be King
Steel blades swing and arrows they sing
One brother will soon wear the King's ring

Finally fades the great battle-lust
Battlefield littered with bodies heart-thrust
One brother is King of a Kingdom of dust...

[averagejoe]

You should try! - you have that half-day coin to spend, remember.

Speaking of which, I'm gonna use mine. For some reason I just can't keep time zones straight. >.<

Edit:

Ka-Poetry!

Prompt: Dwindle
Title: Sunset
A fey-girl danced right up to me
and whispered in my ear
Her feet were bare; she stood tip-toe
and rose above the ground below
pressing close so I could hear

“I’ll whisper secrets of the world
that you can never tell
these are the words I must pass on
so think, and listen well

There is a place where Sun shines close
and ghosts wander the land
Shriveled skin and bleached bone,
a place of rock and sand

On sun-dried mount a cedar waits
and faces toward the light
Dry cliffs crumble, fall away
redness marks that evil day
The last are pushed from deadly heights

Silence till they reach the ground
for dusty throats make not a sound

I hear there is a quiet place
that’s sheltered from the world
Great cliffs challenge cloud and sky;
its oceans churn and swirl

The people there have long since died
they left their graves behind
Worn away by wind and rain,
never to be read again
a people undefined

In a flash, without a sound
they passed away into the ground

I hear there is a hallowed place
where sunset ever shines;
Ruins stand among the green
their secrets lost to time

I hear a rooster guards this place
and waits to see the day
Someday the morning sun will rise
and when the rooster makes his cries
Doom will not be far away

They say his mount is made of bones
of children left to die
plague-rats follow in his wake
he blights the trees and boils the sea
stars will fall to the Earth as he passes
and he will cry out with his terrible voice,
‘All children of men stand alone
their bonds now broken.’
I hear it in my mind
those words that will not rest
spinning through circular thoughts
broken passages of reason
cut off from who I was
forgotten
it’s all I can do to just-


I hear there is an island hill
where angels dance alone
On it sits a golden cup
and seven standing stones

What place is this that once was blessed
where muses danced and goddess wept?
Olympus this, or something less?
How long since the old gods left?
Were they ever truly here?”

Those fearful eyes looked into me
and I beheld their tragedy.
Without glory, without pride
she wilted and soon after died.

[leakingpen]

I believe that is noon est, and we can start judging?

[Asthix]

Yeah, Judges are good to start judging.

[leakingpen]

Cape

Kneennibble

the lack of caps bugs me for some reason, and I’m the originator of the society for the conservations of capitols. It’s like... its very literary, you use a lot of big and specialized words, it makes you expect something more formal, but it’s not. I both like the dichotomy, and am bugged by it. (BTW, Hajj is a proper noun. It should also be capped)

You have a very very very irregular meter, I’d call it free form, but free form, still manages to stumble on some accidental meter here and there. This feels like you specifically avoided that, possibly moving words to prevent a rhythm from building up, but then the use of punctuation creates a very definite sense of timing. I appreciate that a lot, very well execute.

we laugh, we pose, robed;
we begin to commune
with the functions in the folds:

I LOVE that section. best lines in the poem. that said, the whole thing just felt... klunky. the story was well developed, nothing is unclear, but, enh. In addition, weak use of the theme, to me. The color seems more important then them being capes. I give it a 6/10.


Sarco Phage

MIA.

Winner by default, Kneennible


Surface

Saint Ridley

Free form, but still a rough sense of meter, in that line size and syllable count are kept within a narrow zone. No rhythm to the whole piece though. The first two stanzas had a nice internal meter, 4 3 4 3, good rhythm, I would have liked to have seen it continued to be a metered poem.

The burn and bite on my left hand's back,
they standout for the carefree ways they came--
accident both, one my dad and the other my dog,
cigarette and tooth both bite fast.

in particular, really trip up the rhythm. Lines 2 and 3 are too long, I would have tightened up the prose a little. The last stanza ALMOST hits the same meter as the first two. Even if you had the two middle stanzas on their own, making that last one 4 3 4 3 instead of 4 4 4 3 would have been a nice callback to the first stanza. (i would have done line 2 as, either, I raise my sword in salute, or, Sword in a Gentleman’s salute)

. The whole ties together pretty well. I like the idea of taking what is surface and making it show deeper meaning, kinda judging the book by the cover. I know free rhyme is all the rage these days, but with the rest of the format of the poem, I really feel you would have strengthened it considerably if you tried for a rhyme scheme, even if it was just a single first line rhyme or terminal line rhyme between stanza’s. But I like it. Excellent use of the theme word.

Szliard

Excellent syncopation. The quick tight lines make me think of raindrops falling on water, which I would assume was the intention. Well done. The final broken stanza, longer and drawn out, made me think of watching raindrops on a puddled street, interrupted suddenly by a car going through the puddle, the longer slashing sound. random meter though, free form. Nothing wrong with that, it worked here, just noting.

Your rhyme structure confuses me. aabb, aabb, abab, aabb, aa bc. The break at the tail end for emphasis and a definitive stop, I get, I like. Why is the third stanza suddenly abab? If you break rhyme scheme like that, I expect the odd man out to be IMPORTANT in some way. it is a change of tone from general to a specific person, but... if thats why the change, it should follow through to the next stanza thats also about her.

No matter how hard you rain, sounds to me like you’re suggesting that the person being talked TO is crying, and being told, cry all you want, she won’t care? But she was the one crying. It’s... either its perfect, because both people are crying, or confusing. I’m not sure which. which is confusing on its own. good use of the theme word as well.


Vote
Saint Ridley. It was a close race, but I preferred the story

Coordinate

Malrus

Short and sweet. A bit more traditional here, but with a splash of fun in that odd little rhyme scheme. I love the abaa repeated, (although, I would have loved to see an internal rhyme there, rhyming the second line of each of the two stanzas. But I’m weird like that. ) nice even meter, 4344 that fits with the rhyme scheme as well.

Hymns as a choir seems odd to me, using hymn as a verb. In addition, he’s not a poor man from the sounds of it. It feels like the word is being used solely to bring about some sympathy, and its kinda hollow. For the ending, I may be making an unintentional pun, but I see coordinate as being both an equal, and as in coordinates on a map, therefore, a direction. He needs an equal, and a direction. It may not be intentional, if not, enh, if so, genius. All in all, very enjoyable read. Wonderful use of the theme word, you’d have gotten bonus points for the, to me, unusual use of the word, if not for the fact that your competitor did the same.


Volmond

Short again! Awesome, as two short poems are easier to compare than a shorty and an epic!

Triplets! A poem about twins, written in triplets. I love it. even meter throughout as well, good rhythm, has me nodding my head. The second stanza, the second word is not a “true” rhyme. But, if you were paying attention to the last contest, you would know that I loves me a half rhyme, so you’re golden there. Excellent word choice.

The third line of the third stanza did trip a little off my tounge. will soon just misses the beat. I think soon will would have worked better. Also, the second line of the final stanza just,,, didn’t work for me. Too... clinical. and it makes it sound like everyone died the same way. Bodies lay slain by shaft and by thrust, would both give a couple types of deaths, and, the word battlefield suggests that the carnage is constricted to an area, which opposes your last line. Removing that word gives a picture of an entire town laid to ruin, and not just a battlefield.

Excellent use of the theme word, as I said above, you’d get bonus points for the unusual definition, if not for your opponent doing the same.


Vote. Sheesus guys. This is the closest match of the round. Volmond, I prefer the construction of your poem. Malrus, I prefer the rhymes and the story of yours. Vote goes, just by a squeak, to Malrus. I enjoy reading yours more the second and third readings than I do Volmond’s. Good luck to you both.


Slum

double elimination. FAIL! EPIC FAIL!

Mobilize

The JJ

I’m... confused. Sorry, the poem confuses me. I love the internal rhyming, i love the back and forth repeats of the rhyme scheme within a stanza. It flows wonderfully, it spins off the tongue. But, the content... I dunno whats going on. The first and last primary stanza make me think of survivors crossing a town mostly emptied out by zombie apocalypse (yes, really), but the middle stanza doesn’t fit. Zoos and schools, empty places, feels like it should really seriously MEAN something in context, and it doesn’t, its just a pretty throwaway pair of lines. In addition, while the poem does give a sense of MOVING, i dunno that it fits Mobilize too well.



azuyomi244
Fail whale.

Vote goes to JJ by default.


Devolve

Silviya
Where to start. Wow. So, header lines. Love the header lines. Makes it feel like a series of interconnected one stanza poems. Abab rhyme scheme, nice and tight. meter, irregular, but almost always a 3 or 4 beat line. The stanza that starts immortality screws it up though, with a 6 beat line. Double your shortest line makes it feel like two small lines crammed together, and it makes an even beat scheme turn odd.

I love the wind down, building shapes with words makes me happy. The use of devolving at the top of it though seems... It just doesn’t work there. I think it would have been a stronger ending had you swapped devolving and dissolving. Good use of the secret ingredient though. all in all , well done.

Haruki-kun

again, wow. Rhyme scheme, starts abab for the first stanza, an intro, then moves into aabb. I like the transition. First stanza has a nice tight even meter, but then it gets a bit loosey goosey, but nothing heavily out of place.
His dad was murdered by a Christmas Tree. That made me laugh in inappropriate ways.

The finishing couplet is great as well. I kinda want that line on my tombstone. The entire story and tone of the poem really hits me, critics going on and on about the author meant this and the auuthor meant that really tick me off (don’t get me started on moby ****) Excellent use of the theme word, the devolving state of writing. a fun poem with a message.


Vote Haruki-kun. Again, both excellent poems. I will fully admit bias to the theme and concept of Haruki's poem, I was shouting RAH RAH all the way.


Dwindle

Averagejoe

Umm. wow. just. wow.
Technical first. irregular stanza size, irregular rhyme scheme. REALLY irregular. sometimes it rhymes , sometimes it doesn’t, different patterns when it does. Really random, really chaotic.

Which, really, feels like a sylvan slip of a thing, chanting secret information into my ear while dancing. The rhyme and rhythm themselves really lend to the tone and words of the poem. It works in ways I did not expect. That was seriously well done.

The mid poem break, suddenly becoming prose, then cutting off and turning back to the poem format.. You had me for a moment , until it broke back. I really enjoyed that! I can hear the manic strangled rising scream in my mind, her voice shattering as her mind breaks, then she pushes it back, and finishes her words. phew.

I really can find no fault with it. I think a little polishing of flow here and there might do it some good, give it a week, reread and polish it, and I’d submit that one to some magazines and contests, if I were you. Good use of the theme ingredient as well, it mostly describes races dwindling away, fits the word. It makes me think of the HoHokam (a local indian tribe that faded away ways back) I give it a 9.





Asthix

Nice tight couplets, great meter and rhythm. I loved your rhyme choices, I can see a lot of places where it might have gone horribly wrong, but didn’t. well done. It sings like a fo’castle shanty to me.

In tales told in landlocked homestead

was a little stilted. The last beat falls between consonants. I can’t see any way to fix it though, so its fine, just thought I’d mention it. Everything else was flawless, it fits the theme, the energy of the sailors dwindling away, the beast dwindling into the distance, as the men breath a mixed sigh of relief and disappointment.

All in all, a thoroughly enjoyable romp. I give it an 8. I think it may have beaten every other poem out there this round. except the one you were against. Sorry.

Vote, averagejoe.



Consume

Phae Nymna
First things first. A cry that that pierces , double that, I don’t think it was supposed to be there.
I like the pulsing stanza length. even as the lines change, the irregular meter, theres a solid rhythm throughout. I like that. Very tribal. Personally though, I think it would have been stronger as triplets. Leave the first and last stanza, split stanza two in half, and add a line to stanza three, splitting it in two, giving a four line, four three lines, and a four line. Would balance better. I liked it though! Nice literal use of the prompt. full marks there.

DreamintheDark:

Structure first. Free verse, no sense of meter at all, no rhythm or rhyme. I gotta say, even when you go meterless, there has to be a sense of flow. There’s.. there’s not. There is really a churning start and stop feeling to the whole thing. And that may be intentional, but if so, it doesn’t work for me.

The ideas and story are very well told. emotion is conveyed brilliantly. I feel the despair, then hope, dashed again to despair. Having had an abusive father, and watching how his relationship worked with my mother, I can very much say, been there, done that. Very well composed in that regard. I like the repetition of the words you and me, and the way they are used, to create both separation, and stating that you can not separate. It really heightens the emotional impact.

Consumed by darkness, and I try to fight,
The light never shines through, the deepest black of the night,

I didn’t like. the rhyme feels forced, like you wanted A rhyme in there somewhere, and not accidental. the phrasing of the second line is really awkward. I’d work to try and rewrite that.

The light never shines, through deep, black night. something more streamlined like that.

I get WHY its for the keyword of consume, beyond just the line, consumed by darkness, but I would want more metaphor and allusion to being eaten, being subverted. Its really not a great use of the secret ingrediant.


Vote Phae Nymna , its a better poem, its more polished. Dreamin, its got a lot of potential. Give it a good reworking. It deserves it.

Quicklist of votes for admin assistance. Kneennibble,
Saint Ridley, malrus, noone, The JJ, Haruki-kun, Average Joe, Phay Nyma

[TFT]

Slum

double elimination. FAIL! EPIC FAIL!


Makes me a sad panda because I just now was able to finish the poem. However, I do want to submit a poem still, even if it doesn't allow me to go to the next round:

In the Slums
Treading through that street, there
Where none attempt to meet, there
The street smart do not stray, there
Terror takes the day, there,
That place is where I am.

Slinking , still in silence, and
swiveling my skull, tense, and
can’t slow my speeding heart, and
subject to step in part, and
can’t stand just where I am.

Feeling for the past, for
Four figures fade in fast, for
A force or foe unkown, for
Faces are not shown, for
I fear for where I am

wondering why I’m walking ,while
their whispers turn to talking ,while
I wish ‘twas wisked away, while
their wanting me their way, while
I’m worried where I am

Breaking stride by bounding, but
Back there their bodies bounding, but
I may still bypass beating, but
My barest hopes are fleeting-

Back there is where I was

I'd love it if the judges would critique it, but understand if you don't want to.

[leakingpen]

:narrows eyes as tower:: you make it less epic of a fail, sir. goodonya. It would be my pleasure.

Slum

The Fiery Tower


So, the whole thing has a nice beat/slam poetry feel to it. I dig it, my username comes from a line in a slam poem done by a fellow student of mine back in high school. (nearly 15 years ago. Yes, Im old. Shut it)

ANYWAYS! I love the repetition of the end line. I love love love the alliteration tie in. I didn't catch it until the third stanza though. The first stanza... could use more t's. The second stanza, the alliteration is S's, but the repetition is and. What about So?
Final verse, dropping off the last repeat word for a pause and traveling effect, very well done. I liked it. my only quibble is stanza four. Rhyming away and way feels like a cop out. but otherwise, very good. I enjoyed it, loved the gimmick.

[vollmond]

Volmond

Short again! Awesome, as two short poems are easier to compare than a shorty and an epic!

Triplets! A poem about twins, written in triplets. I love it. even meter throughout as well, good rhythm, has me nodding my head. The second stanza, the second word is not a “true” rhyme. But, if you were paying attention to the last contest, you would know that I loves me a half rhyme, so you’re golden there. Excellent word choice.

The third line of the third stanza did trip a little off my tounge. will soon just misses the beat. I think soon will would have worked better. Also, the second line of the final stanza just,,, didn’t work for me. Too... clinical. and it makes it sound like everyone died the same way. Bodies lay slain by shaft and by thrust, would both give a couple types of deaths, and, the word battlefield suggests that the carnage is constricted to an area, which opposes your last line. Removing that word gives a picture of an entire town laid to ruin, and not just a battlefield.

Excellent use of the theme word, as I said above, you’d get bonus points for the unusual definition, if not for your opponent doing the same.



Excellent, your criticisms match my own :smallsmile: and your version of the battlefield line is great! Much improved.

[Emlyn]

Shoot I missed it. :smallfrown: Started a part time job and completely blanked that I'd signed up for this. Ahh well.

[leakingpen]

You are forgiven, recite two lenore's, two jabberwocky's, and a congo.

[averagejoe]

Averagejoe

Umm. wow. just. wow.
Technical first. irregular stanza size, irregular rhyme scheme. REALLY irregular. sometimes it rhymes , sometimes it doesn’t, different patterns when it does. Really random, really chaotic.

Which, really, feels like a sylvan slip of a thing, chanting secret information into my ear while dancing. The rhyme and rhythm themselves really lend to the tone and words of the poem. It works in ways I did not expect. That was seriously well done.

The mid poem break, suddenly becoming prose, then cutting off and turning back to the poem format.. You had me for a moment , until it broke back. I really enjoyed that! I can hear the manic strangled rising scream in my mind, her voice shattering as her mind breaks, then she pushes it back, and finishes her words. phew.

I really can find no fault with it. I think a little polishing of flow here and there might do it some good, give it a week, reread and polish it, and I’d submit that one to some magazines and contests, if I were you. Good use of the theme ingredient as well, it mostly describes races dwindling away, fits the word. It makes me think of the HoHokam (a local indian tribe that faded away ways back) I give it a 9.



Wow. Thanks a lot. This is actually one I ended up working a lot on, and I'm glad that it shows.

[CWater]

Hoo, 13 poems to review:smalltongue:

I shall try to do my part and get the judgements done for Sunday!

[averagejoe]

Hey, I figure if you judges put this off for long enough, I won't have to try and get a poem out during finals. :smalltongue:

[Alarra]

when's finals over? I'll see if i can accommodate you? :smallwink:

[SaintRidley]

Hey, I figure if you judges put this off for long enough, I won't have to try and get a poem out during finals. :smalltongue:

Lucky. This first round was over my finals week, so I basically wrote on the back of a piece of paper in spare moments at three in the morning each night.

:smalltongue:

Glad my semester is over now, though.

[Vaynor]

If enough people want, I could hold off a bit for the next round. Anyways, the first round's judgments take a while, usually.

[Haruki-kun]

Finals here, too. I can live with it, but I wouldn't oppose to holding off for a week.*

*or as much as you decide.

[averagejoe]

when's finals over? I'll see if i can accommodate you? :smallwink:


If enough people want, I could hold off a bit for the next round. Anyways, the first round's judgments usually take a while, usually.

Thanks, but I was mostly joking. I'll take 'em as they come.

[leakingpen]

must... resist... saying... "thats what SHE said"... must... resist...

[Gaelbert]

If enough people want, I could hold off a bit for the next round. Anyways, the first round's judgments take a while, usually.

I'm almost done with my judgments, but I know if I were writing poems, I wouldn't even bother trying during finals week. I'd just give up.
I'm not writing, though, so of course it's up to the contestants.

[Gaelbert]

In the interest of getting this in before the deadline, I did not critique the default winners. If the author is interested, PM me or let me know and I'll review it for you.
Additionally, there is a man outside my window yelling "Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep." on a speaker. He has been doing so for the last 6 hours. If you notice a drop in quality of my judgment as time goes on, blame can be laid there.

Kneenibble vs. Sarco Phage: Cape
Kneenibble is winner by default

Maulrus vs. Vollmond: Coordinate
Maulrus
My first impulse was that you went a little heavy on the "five dollar words," but after reflection, I think that only aids your theme. Excellent job with that, sir.
The rhyming was well done, and I don't often say that. It served to emphasize, not to distract.
My only criticism is the final pair of lines. They feel heavy handed compared to the rest of the poem. It would "flow" better if you removed a syllable from the last line methinks.
vollmond
I'm having problems with the first line. Are there 6 brothers? Because without the line break, it would read "Six of one, half dozen of another Brothers,". I can't see anything else the half dozen references, but then there's only one pair of twins according to the next few lines. Am I missing something here? Or am I making things too complicated?
Also, "Subjects' and commoners' flesh bear the cost." You used "bears," which refers to singular. Although that could work if you're talking about a collective, single flesh.
Your rhyming seemed forced at times, especially the final line. I struggled through the final stanza. Rhymes should be instruments to enhance, and it seemed like you were too concerned with finding a matching word to notice other, more awkward details.
WinnerMaulrus

Emlyn vs. The Fiery Tower: Slum
Neither poems were in by deadline, neither advance.

The JJ vs. azuyomi244: Mobilize
The JJ wins by default.

Silviya vs. Haruki-kun: Devolve
Haruki-kun
It was a silly poem, and that is entirely appropriate. I love when the form or style of a poem matches the theme, it happens far less than one would hope. I laughed when I got to the end. I have to say though, I grimaced when I saw "happen" matched with "clapping." Other than that, sterling effort.
Silviya
You found my weakness. The actual structure of a poem on a page. The stanzas look like double helices, then they fall apart into nothingness as the poem progresses. Beautiful.
WinnerSilviya, but this was a close call.

Averagejoe vs. Asthix: Dwindle
Asthix
Thoroughly enjoyable, bouncy rhythm, rhymes were all apropriate. I could visualize the scene as you described it, always a positive for me.
Averagejoe
Wow. I wasn't expecting this level of quality out of a forum competition, clearly I was wrong. I was particularly impressed when it began to breakdown in the 11th stanza, it gave a perfect depiction of dwindling sanity among other elements. As a whole, the poem never stuck with the same meter for more than a few lines, but managed to do this without sounding choppy.
Winner
Averagejoe. I would have liked to see more poems by Asthix, but such is the luck of the draw.

Phae Nymna vs. DreamintheDark: Consume
DreamintheDark
The poem lacked a smooth flow. I'm fine with free verse, but even so, there should be flow. And I didn't get that from yours.
Other than that, I did enjoy your themes. It has potential, it just isn't quite there yet.
Phae Nymna
I like the simplicity of it. The sparse-ness enhanced the imagery of the Serengeti. It had an excellent beat and flow to it as well, a primal beat that was reminiscent of the wild. Only complaint is the second stanza, it's awkward.
Winner
Phae Nymna

SaintRidley vs. Szilard: Surface
SaintRidley
Excellent job. It might be a little stronger if you kept to a meter, but the narrative was enough to carry it anyways.
Szilard
Simple, minimal. I like it. The rhyme scheme threw me off a little, but the rest was tight and lacking wasted material.
Winner
SaintRidley

[Alarra]

Kneenibble vs. Sarco Phage: Cape
Kneenibble: Hmm. Well, I can picture the scene and the interaction, so that says good things for your description. And some of the imagery was nice, especially the further in the poem you read. I really enjoyed a lot of the descriptions in the 6th verse, would have in fact liked to read more about the different functions the capes could have had. I would get rid of the first verse entirely. It’s not needed, and takes away from the picture you build further on, also it’s rhythm and structure is so completely different from the rest of the poem that it doesn’t even seem part of the narrative. I would have left the last verse off as well, because the locking of the door seems much more final and evokes the idea of leaving their secret locked away without you having to come out and say it. As for the rhythm…I didn’t care for it. I read this aloud several times and never really had the words fall into a lyrical, poetic pattern. Some of the breaks were in awkward places and there wasn’t really good flow. Throughout this entire critique I’ve been writing ‘paragraph’ and had to keep changing it to ‘verse’, which is telling in itself. This reads like prose broken into wonky structures, not really poetry.
Sacro Phage: No poem
Winner: Kneenibble, by default.

SaintRidley vs. Szilard: Surface
SaintRidley: This was an interesting take on the prompt. I like the idea of recounting ones scars to tell the story of events that have happened to them. That being said, I didn’t really care for this poem. The language was too inconsistent, being very poetic at times, at other’s not at all. Either style would have worked fine for the poem, but they didn’t really mesh very well. It had decent flow, however, and only a few of the lines seemed clunky and awkward, so overall, a fairly decent showing.
Szilard I don’t really get what’s going on in this poem. I don’t have a clear sense of who the narrator is, who ‘she’ is, or who is looking at her. That disappoints me because the language is fun and the rhymes are fun, except for the 4th verse, which I did not like at all. I guess I’d say this poem doesn’t go deep enough for me to really like and ‘get it’…which I guess is kind of fitting of the prompt ‘surface’, as that’s what this poem does, just kind of glazes the surface of a deeper story, and shows us just enough to make us disappointed when it doesn’t follow through.
Verdict: I’m sorry to say that I didn’t care for either of these poems. I enjoyed SaintRidley’s use of the prompt more, however, so I’ll go with him.

Maulrus vs. Vollmond: Coordinate
Maulrus: Would it be too forward of me to say I love you? Though seriously, this is really good stuff. In 10 short lines you’ve given us character, emotion, and conflict. Your use of language, flow and rhyme are spot on and your use of the prompt was excellent. The only line I found less than pleasing was ‘whose want for life hymns as a choir’ and even that I can’t really say what rubbed me wrong about it. Great job.
Vollmond: I really like this. The story is wonderful, the flow and rhyme superb. And very good use of the prompt. There was good emotion, conflict and you painted a great scene. This almost sounds like it could be a song, it’s that rhythmic. Really good job.
Verdict: Aww, this was a crappy pairing. You both did reaaaaally great jobs and I hate to see one of you eliminated so early. Any chance I can pass the other on too since there was a category that had two no-shows? No… well then…guh… um…. Maulrus, I guess, by the tiniest little hair.

Emlyn vs. The Fiery Tower: Slum
Emlyn: No entry
The Fiery Tower : late entry, not eligible, but I’ll critique it anyway.. Interesting. I’m not usually fond of such repetition, though in this case it worked, mostly, and added to the rhythm and flow of the piece. I would, however, have dropped one line from each verse. As I read each verse, I wanted the repetition to end after 3 lines, 4 became too clunky and cumbersome. It was well written though and I liked it. Pity it was late.
Verdict: No one, because TFT got his in too late.

The JJ vs. azuyomi244: Mobilize
The JJ: I loved reading this. It was fun and bouncy and enjoyable and the words just melted off the tongue in such a pleasing rhythm. That being said…they didn’t make a lot of sense, even after 3 reads. I wanted more story and content.
azuyomi244: no entry
verdict: The JJ by default

Silviya vs. Haruki-kun: Devolve
Silviya: Beautiful. Longer than it needed to be to convey the image that you were presenting, but beautiful language. I don’t know that you actually needed to use ‘devolve’ within the poem, as the entire piece centered around that idea. The ‘immortality’ verse seemed out of place with the others and I would have left it out. I really enjoyed the rhythm, flow and feel of this piece though, nice job.
Haruki-kun: Amusing and thoroughly enjoyable. Quirky, fun and a good use of the prompt. I liked it immensely.
Verdict: Why do I have to like all the ones that have competition and dislike all the ones that are going on by default? Darn crazy contest luck. You both did well and both deserve to go to the second round, but I’m going to have to go with Silviya.

Averagejoe vs. Asthix: Dwindle
Averagejoe:I loved this. It had such emotion and touched on so many different myths and ideas, I found myself searching for them. The flow was mostly good. The fourth verse had me pausing and rereading to make it fit the rhythm of the previous verses, but it did fit and work, the really long verse, however, did not. I understood the point of it being longer than the others and what you were trying to do there, but it was clunky and didn’t flow like I wanted it to. Over all though, excellent, I’m being nit-picky.
Asthix: I really liked this. The short paired lines gave the entire struggle an immediacy that seemed very fitting. The rhyme didn’t seemed forced and it all flowed very well. The scene and story were vivid and immediate. Nice work.
Verdict: Again we have too very good poems. Averagejoe’s, however, seemed to fit the prompt much better.

Phae Nymna vs. DreamintheDark: Consume
Phae Nymna: Nice. The rhyme and rhythm flowed well, though its bouncy, almost jaunty rhythm seemed very at odds with the subject addressed. The rhyme seemed forced at times as well. You met the prompt well enough. A nice poem, though not fantastic.
DreaminintheDark: The language was nice and it flowed okay. It was clunky at times, but not terrible. The emotion is there and I loved the content and story. It fit the prompt relatively well. Overall, I didn’t find it great, but it was a solid effort.
Verdict: And this time we again have a choice between two poems I didn’t like. Sigh. Both had very different strengths and weaknesses, but I think I’m going to have to go with Dreamin. Phae’s was slightly better constructed, but I’m a sucker for the emotion and story.

[Vaynor]

Judges? Bueller? Anyone?

[CWater]

I'm almost done with the judgements, I'll try to post them later today or tomorrow.

Sorry that I'm so late!:smalleek:
Exam weeks are on..

EDIT:Make that Tuesday, Finland just won gold in Icehockey:smallbiggrin:
(sorry...)

[Asthix]

Its been a long time now. Did Joosbawx bow out of the judging?

[CWater]

Sigh,

better late than never, right?

Judgements:

Kneenibble vs. Sarco Phage: Cape
Kneenibble
I really liked the atmosphere in this one. It is ordinary, and yet also mysterious. You're use of words and metaphors is also good and vivid. "God alone knows,/but we make our guesses nevertheless." are probably my favourite lines. ...Hmm, I don't know what else I should say of this poem... It did awoke many thoughts, but I can't seem to put them into more words, sorry.

Sarco Phage
No entry.

Verdict
Kneenibble wins by default.

SaintRidley vs. Szilard: Surface
SaintRidley: Surface Scars
The first stanza introduces the theme, and the following three tell the stories. The second has a nice wordplay about the pen and sword, clever. The scars from the third stanza are claimed to have carefree origin, though they don't entirely sound like that. I like it how children's play is compared to "warrior training" and the "talked books and math with my doctor" is a nice detail. It is also interesting that the speaker says that the only scar he has from an actual sword is his "least erned" one. One could spontaneusly think otherwise, and it gets you to ponder his life again.

The last chapter closes it quite well, except that the wording of the last line doesn't really...fit. The poem seems to have no rhyme in the first place, so it doesn't stand out that way, but somehow it doesn't really sound the same as the rest.

Szilard:Tears in the Rain
First image is rain, in different locations. In the second, there are also two people. The rain is there, but is it also a metaphore about the girl? "You'll only break the surface", I can't really decide how I should interpret that line. And "Doesn't matter" doesn't really fit, it breaks the flow a little.

Verdict
A hard choice, I really liked them both. Hmm... I think I'll let it go to SaintRidley.

Maulrus vs. Vollmond: Coordinate
Maulrus: ... at the top
A description of a ruler of some kind, a king, noble, maybe even a businessman, whose greatest wish is to be a normal person, or at least find one to call equal?

I like your interpretation of the promt and the poem carries a good feeling. It also rhymes enough to be nice to read outloud. It is a little short though, which is not too bad I suppose, since it describes only one feeling, but somehow I feel it could have benefited from one more stanza, perhaps between the second and third.

Vollmond
Well, I did like the rhyming in this one. It sounds good at least in my ears. The poem itself is also fine, but it doesn't...really tell anything new. Brothers fight and war has no winner, I'm sorry, but I've heard that a few times before. Maybe you could tell a little more about these brothers, give the story some details? I'm not saying the poem's bad, it is nice, just a little bland.

Verdict
Maulrus wins.

Emlyn vs. The Fiery Tower: Slum
Emlyn
No entry.

The Fiery Tower: In the Slums
The structure in this poem is not...a bad choice. Though in a few places the line's final words feel a little forced in the context. The story in this is interesting though, and the poem creates a good atmosphere of worry. Did the speaker get away in the end or not?

Verdict
Since Fiery Tower's poem was submitted late, I suppose no winner from this pair.

The JJ vs. azuyomi244: Mobilize
The JJ
This poem has a really fast tempo. It feels like you really need to read it in a hurry. The -ize descriptions in the beginning are fun (though I had to check at least half of them from a dictionary). The image I get from this poem, is a bunch of young guys hanging out after school, doing all kinds of crazy stuff. Don't know if that's what you meant, it's just what comes to mind.

Azuyomi244
No entry.

Verdict
The JJ wins by default.

Silviya vs. Haruki-kun: Devolve
Silviya: The Last to Fade
An...interesting viewpoint. There is probably a few possible interpretations for this poem.

Basicly, it seems to be about ending and loneliness. The speaker sounds like some sort of watcher, who has such a long life that the whole universe's time just runs past her. Though the eight stanza states that immortality is something no one has and thus the speaker will also be gone in the end. I like it that the stanzas have a sort of title, it helps the poem to stay in one piece.

Though it still feels a little like a wobbly high-rise building. And if I want to critisize something, then I'd say that t's a little too long. A few times when I was reading the middle part, I had forgotten the start. Had to read it a few times to grasp the whole story.

Haruki-kun:The End
A complaint about how many good stories are ruined with bad sequels and too many sidestories, put into a characters own mouth?

Brilliant. I just have to say that I love this poem, and it's message, which I think is quite well put. In the beginning the hero wonders if his story's good enough, will it go on living with the future generations, or will it just fade away like most. Then he explains how he thought that The End would be on the final page on the book, but no. The last two lines from the second stanza sound like he's sarcastically quoting... the publisher or someone else who just wants to make money, without caring about the story at all. In the two following stanzas he describes how the poor story could be shaken and swung around, until it "has gone too far" and the story is no longer what it used to be. With all this behind, the final plea on the last line is strong, desperate and ...fearful.

The rhyming is also quite good.

Verdict
Both are good, no question there, but Haruki-kun wins.

averagejoe vs. Asthix: Dwindle
averagejoe: Sunset

Beautiful. That is how I would descibe this poem in one word. It is also sad, the fey tells a tale of place that has dwindled away, then she dies herself.

The rhyming seems to change through the poem, but I see no problem in this. The only part that breaks the flow is the fourth last stanza, I can't figure out how it should be read.

But overall, I really like it and the story it tells.It's the kind of poem that could inspire me to draw, or paint.

Asthix: Spindrift and Ropeburn
A crew trying to catch a legend, that gets away, but in the end it was a good thing?

I like the way the poem creates the setting around it. No big description, but small things that build up the picture. In a way I feel this poem is like a painting, dunno why. It channels the feeling of salty sea and hurry, and in the end, calm. "The right for us to have our say" line puzzles me a little, for I can't really see it's meaning.

Verdict
Arrgh...this is probably the hardest choice of them all. Both were really good and awoke strong images. Since I have to choose...averagejoe wins.

Phae Nymna vs. DreamintheDark: Consume
Phae Nymna: Across the Serengeti
Whoa, this one was quite...hmm, gross is not excatly the word, but something similiar. Anyway, I did like it in a way. The two first two stanzas describe the disturbing scene of the dying animal, and the two following give reason to it; it is no senseless horror, but a part of life.

I can't catch the rhyming in all parts, but I do feel it is there, and "Allows the passing of the Day" is my favourite line.

DreamintheDark :Lost
Even though there's not a single word 'love' in this poem, I still feel that that is what the poem is about. Somehow I'm reminded of those many, usually manga stories, where a girl is in love with bad boy who really is evil, but can still never get over him. Sigh, yes, this poem is not really my personal taste. Maybe that is not what the poem really tried to say, but it's what comes to my mind. In the second stanza, there are too many dark&sad words, like the poem is trying too hard to be tragic. "I'm unable to break through, to save you,/To save me." are the lines I liked though.

All in all, this poem has a good idea, but it really doesn't manage to construct the feeling of the amount of pain it implies.

Verdict
Two very different poems, hard to compare, buut Phae Nymna wins this one.

[Vaynor]

Incredibly sorry about the delay everyone, my girlfriend has been visiting from out of town for the past week so I've been a bit otherwise preoccupied/distracted. I was giving Joosbawx some time to finish up judgments, but that seems unlikely to happen. I will have my tiebreaking votes up momentarily.

Winners of round one:

Kneenibble
SaintRidley
Maulrus
The JJ
Haruki-kun
Averagejoe
Phae Nymna

Next round will be up today.

[averagejoe]

*remembers this thread*

I've neglected to thank the judges. All of your comments were much appreciated. Heck, I appreciate that you read the thing, much less commented on it..

[Vaynor]

Iron Poet XIII: Round 2

This round's theme is architecture! Just a note, only the picture is the prompt, you are not expected to incorporate the title of the image or anything else on the page linked (I simply wanted to give credit to the artists).

Phae Nymna vs. Averagejoe (http://stacey-woo-x.deviantart.com/art/Pier-210280153?)
Maulrus vs. Haruki-kun (http://PaSt1978.deviantart.com/art/Windmill-210293874?)
SaintRidley vs. The JJ (http://jpgmn.deviantart.com/art/Trapped-210307614?)

Deadline: Thursday, June 2nd 2011 at 11:59 pm (EDT).

[CWater]

Oo, pretty pictures... Good luck, everyone!:smallwink:

[Haruki-kun]

Oh, by the way: Thank you to all the judges! And now o start working on this one...

[leakingpen]

YAY! get to it people, I wants to read your stuff!

(thinks that next round we should totally do a double elimination tourney. so theres more good poetry to read)

[The_JJ]

*remembers this thread*

I've neglected to thank the judges. All of your comments were much appreciated. Heck, I appreciate that you read the thing, much less commented on it..

Hmm... I suppose I ought to do this to. Thanks guys!

[Kneenibble]

Vaynor, you may wish to restructure this round as I withdraw from the contest.

[Vaynor]

The prompts have been altered, and some people (averagejoe only, I believe) have had their prompt altered as well. Apologies for that.

[Szilard]

Szliard

Excellent syncopation. The quick tight lines make me think of raindrops falling on water, which I would assume was the intention. Well done. The final broken stanza, longer and drawn out, made me think of watching raindrops on a puddled street, interrupted suddenly by a car going through the puddle, the longer slashing sound. random meter though, free form. Nothing wrong with that, it worked here, just noting.

Your rhyme structure confuses me. aabb, aabb, abab, aabb, aa bc. The break at the tail end for emphasis and a definitive stop, I get, I like. Why is the third stanza suddenly abab? If you break rhyme scheme like that, I expect the odd man out to be IMPORTANT in some way. it is a change of tone from general to a specific person, but... if thats why the change, it should follow through to the next stanza thats also about her.

No matter how hard you rain, sounds to me like you’re suggesting that the person being talked TO is crying, and being told, cry all you want, she won’t care? But she was the one crying. It’s... either its perfect, because both people are crying, or confusing. I’m not sure which. which is confusing on its own. good use of the theme word as well.


Yeah, in an earlier Iron Poet one of the judges told me that I should be focusing more on rhythm than rhyme, so I kind of took that to heart. The fact that it ended up sounding like raindrops and the car going through a puddle was completely unintentional though. I guess I surprised even myself. :smalltongue: As for the sudden change in rhyming scheme, that was sort of intended to be a shift as you guessed, and I'll keep following it afterwards in mind. As for the last bit, I wasn't really sure what I was saying anymore myself, and hoped the judges would find something in it. :smalltongue:


Szilard
Simple, minimal. I like it. The rhyme scheme threw me off a little, but the rest was tight and lacking wasted material.
Thanks for liking it. :smalltongue: As for the rhyming scheme, I was focusing more on rhythm, and the rhyming scheme came as an afterthought. At one point I changed it it from AABB to ABAB, half for what I wanted to say, half for maybe a shift. Then I changed it again at the end to be more abrupt and/or final.



Szilard I don’t really get what’s going on in this poem. I don’t have a clear sense of who the narrator is, who ‘she’ is, or who is looking at her. That disappoints me because the language is fun and the rhymes are fun, except for the 4th verse, which I did not like at all. I guess I’d say this poem doesn’t go deep enough for me to really like and ‘get it’…which I guess is kind of fitting of the prompt ‘surface’, as that’s what this poem does, just kind of glazes the surface of a deeper story, and shows us just enough to make us disappointed when it doesn’t follow through.
]
When I saw the word surface, I thought of two things: a person, and water. I figured I could somehow combine those. At first the rain is actually rain, then I guess I go to someone trying to understand this girl, and how they can never really do so. And then the rain is somehow a tear. I guess I know I'm doing a bad job when I don't even know what my poem's about. :smalltongue:
As for the fourth verse, I was trying to point out the difference between knowing someone and knowing someone, but I guess my wording's off.


Szilard:Tears in the Rain
First image is rain, in different locations. In the second, there are also two people. The rain is there, but is it also a metaphore about the girl? "You'll only break the surface", I can't really decide how I should interpret that line. And "Doesn't matter" doesn't really fit, it breaks the flow a little.
I was trying to connect rain breaking the surface of water with understanding someone. As for "You'll only break the surface," I was trying to say that you can never really understand a person. Though that's kinda false. :smalltongue: And "Doesn't matter" was to show rain goes everwhere, plus, I kind of needed something to rhyme with "river." :smalltongue:

Anyway, thanks to all the judges for the critiques!
I'll be back. :smallcool:

[averagejoe]

The prompts have been altered, and some people (averagejoe only, I believe) have had their prompt altered as well. Apologies for that.

Tch, and just when I finished the best poem in the world based on the other prompt. Fine, I'll start again.

[leakingpen]

focusing on rhythm succeeded. There are so many elements to a poem, its hard to work on all of them at the same time. Its amazing how often our stuff sprouts its own legs and starts walking, eh?

[Asthix]

CWater:
A crew trying to catch a legend, that gets away, but in the end it was a good thing?

I like the way the poem creates the setting around it. No big description, but small things that build up the picture. In a way I feel this poem is like a painting, dunno why. It channels the feeling of salty sea and hurry, and in the end, calm. "The right for us to have our say" line puzzles me a little, for I can't really see it's meaning.Originally, the line read, 'The right, as men to have our say' but it was changed due to concerns of sexism. The line is supposed to reference the (perhaps outdated) belief that people were not in charge of their own destiny on the seas. For a long time, this belief was represented in the form of sea monsters and since this crew is battling a sea monster, they are asserting their right to have their say as seafarers.

Thank you to the judges for the kind words. I know I was beaten by a great poem, now I just have to shake the feeling that I'm doomed never to get a single vote in this competition... :smalleek:

[vollmond]

I'll second (third? fourth?) the thanks to the judges, and look forward to my next opportunity to write bad poetry :smallwink:

[Haruki-kun]

A Gray Dawn Rises

A gray dawn rises with no regret,
No sound, no silence, and no one to fret.
No worries, no hurries, no one who could see,
No humans to know whatever may be.

A tree falls sound-less, the gray leaves descend,
To the ground, to the ground, with the Earth shall they blend?
The cat is alive, the cat is dead,
The cat sleeps soundly on a cozy bed.

If humans were gone, would I still be here?
Or would I go with them and bring up the rear?
I would, if I could, survive the end,
For I have a legacy I must defend.

For man has the unique skill to create,
To build the world the heart would dictate.
And thus, a gray dawn would make me mourn,
The death and loss of those never born.

[SaintRidley]

Edit: 1/15/12

Poem removed for submission to a publication. If you should wish to read the poem, please PM me.

[Phae Nymna]

Prompt (http://stacey-woo-x.deviantart.com/art/Pier-210280153?)

The Prophetess
Splinters grappled with white rubber
Bleached and roughened grey wood walkways
Shrimp boots marching to the water

Tip our hats off to the sailors
Wave to wrinkled friendly masters
And to bolder competition

Pier beneath us as we march out
To the great and rocking trawler
Flound'ring softly in the water

Kissing rebar struts farewell
Sinking spirits part the dock-head
Boarding now the ship Cassandra

Haply gunning into deeper
Water slapping 'cross the bow plates
Gazing back at barren harbour

Towing nets we puttered westward
Floating line out from great bobbins
Calculating our endeavours

Then with lifting power cables
Ripped out rumbling from the currents
Hulking hauls of sunken treasures

Hundreds, thousands, flumping mack'rel
Mostly oiled- not much better
Than the worst net last September

So we ripped her 'round and backward
Heaving portside our displeasure
Captain grinding on the levers

Overtaken with our failure
We made haste to moor Cassandra
In the pier we find no pleasure.

[The_JJ]

Contrast. (http://jpgmn.deviantart.com/art/Trapped-210307614?)


Trapped then in a tall box
But not a small box
And there’s no locks
Because I’m quite happy standing here.

Trapped then, by the view above
Imagining the birds that flew above
Wondering now, of that dove
Did she see me as I saw her?

Framed by the walls
Unheralded by calls
But still there and aware
Of the beauty in contrast.

Transience in the clouds
And permanence in stone
Fractal swirls against
Clean lines and sharp corners.

But then, there’s order in the frame
And there are stains on the rock
One is one and one is the same
And there’s one more thing.

See the glass?
All hard and flat with that
Uniform gleam
Reflecting the white dream
Up above. It’s perfect.
No wonder I can’t leave.

[Maulrus]

Prompt (http://past1978.deviantart.com/art/Windmill-210293874?)
Title: On a lone crest
Bliss, as he sought it, was hard to obtain,
yet always it called to his ear.
A vignetted border, a developer's stain
was the link to a future more dear.

He stares wistfully at its withered edge,
gripping it with a time-withered claw.
In his life he erstwhile'd driven a wedge
that always at his poor soul would gnaw.

On a lone crest, a windmill, with pointed roof shingled,
and four sheer wide-spanning blades.
A farm, with seed and earth intermingled
are constant in his mind's parades.

Cities and people have been his lot,
but neither he can claim to truly have sought.
After a lifetime of taking society's agress,
he yearns for a touch of nature's caress.

[averagejoe]

No title.

He bucked and tossed in stormy waves.
Wet from rain and ocean spray
The dock beneath him heaved and groaned

The boat was gone a long fortnight
supplies long gone, if they didn’t drown
still he watched for any sign

His vigil kept for several days
till health and hunger forced him down
And still the storm continued on

Dark clouds above nurtured the storm
But sun on sea signaled the morn

[leakingpen]

Just making sure, the space is intentional, if placed on the page, it would basically be four squares in a larger square, yes?

Actually, four squares, and the final line underneath in the center?


[/SPOILER][/QUOTE]

poem removed per request by ridley.

[SaintRidley]

Yes, the spacing is all intentional. Had to play around with invisitext in order to format it properly, since forum software doesn't generally support caesurae.

[Asthix]

Happy Birthday Vaynor!

Let us celebrate the occasion with wine and sweet words.
- Plautus

I can't wait to see who makes it to the final...

[leakingpen]

Phae Nyma

Free rhyme, but a good deal of similarity within triplets, I appreciate that. The rhythm scheme is nice and tight. My head nods as I read it. Each triplet is a self contained short poem, they all make sense on their own, which I appreciate. Actually, it feels a little like a forecastle chanty. Kept to the theme picture, a story based on the dock, quite nicely. I greatly enjoyed it, I'd actually love to see a tune put to it and it done by an SCA bard or similar.

Averagejoe

no rhyme scheme, no rythym. no meter. its really really free verse. I really liked the story. Good end, and the couplet rounding out the triplets works well for an end. The differing line lengths kinda pulled me out. Also, the story is more about the ocean, and the storm, and seems to have less tie to the actual picture.

Winner, Phae


Maulrus

Mechanics first. Nice standard abab, clean rhymes, well done there. Breaking to aabb for the end, enh, not feeling it for this one. It feels more like two couplets shoved together than a four line stanza.

The meter seems really loose, there's rhythm at points, but it seems more accidental, and for this poem, that works, it shouldn't be regimented. Has a nice flow.

I like that you used the exact picture as a physical object, that formatting of the picture was mentioned as well, as a print of it becomes a prop. That said, visual prop, the ear line doesn't fit. I would have used something else, (eye, hand, mind) and sought a different rhyme.

The description of the picture was very well done, good use of imagery. Seed and earth intermingled was a very good line. I'm used to seeing seed and soil together, earth was a better word here. On words, though... erstwhile'd? i assume the 'd is for had? id have just done erstwhile, you're doubling up on the past tense.

Very enjoyable, overall.

Haruki-kun

Nice tight rhyme scheme, i love some of the sound rhymes that aren't letter rhymes. (mourn and born especially, I love that particular rhyme pair. ) Good solid marching meter. Time moves on, it seems to say.

I understand where you are coming from in the poem, from the source image, but... I dunno, seems like poor use of the source image to me. the grey, and the concept of a dead world feel evoked by the image are good, but I'd like to see something about the actual architecture. In the poem, good word choice, but... its obvious the speaker ISN'T human, but what it is, I have no clue. Sometimes thats a good mystery, in this case, it didn't work. I find myself wanting another stanza explaining the speaker, and what THEY were born to do.

Vote tough one. Haruki, yours was marginally the better poem, but Maulrus gets the win for better use of the source.


SaintRidley What can I say? You have four snippets of poetry iin a cube, with a terminal line. Each of the four is an expression on its own. Each when read together with the poem under it, makes an expression with the terminal line. Each read all the way across makes an expression. All four together make an expression. BUT WAIT! THERES MORE! each read DIAGONLLY togther make an expression. It works either way, but I find that upper left read first, with lower right finishing the lines works best, and upper right read with lower left finishing each line works. Its amazingly well put together. The ideas and concepts are sound, describe the source image in a dozen different ways, and the cube, sum of the parts, format even fits the picture, not just the big open rectangle, but the building concept. That was.. Personally, you should go ahead and post the poem on the comments for the picture.


The JJ
And then we get this gem. Why? WHY CRUEL FATES? The best two poems of every round keep going head to head...

So, mechanics. We open with two stanzas of aaab. Then a free form stanze, after mentioning contrast. an almost free form stanza, with a rhyme that seems almost, accidental. all the above have a nice firm meter as well. And then we close with a piece of totally free verse. You're building from the architecture to the clouds, altering form as the picture does, moving inwards and upwards. Your poem provides that contrast, between man made and natural beauty. The use in the fourth stanza of soft, vowelly words when describing the clouds, and hard, glottal stops when describing the building... just.. Well done. That was a joy to read and analyze. Thank you!

Vote I seriously considered just flipping a coin. Holy crap, I want you both in the next round. Ahh well. The criss crossing square was creative and fiendish, and it NARROWLY gets my vote. Saint Ridley.

[Alarra]

Oh yeah, judgments... I've been out of town. I'll do this tomorrow night.

[SaintRidley]

SaintRidley What can I say? You have four snippets of poetry iin a cube, with a terminal line. Each of the four is an expression on its own. Each when read together with the poem under it, makes an expression with the terminal line. Each read all the way across makes an expression. All four together make an expression. BUT WAIT! THERES MORE! each read DIAGONLLY togther make an expression. It works either way, but I find that upper left read first, with lower right finishing the lines works best, and upper right read with lower left finishing each line works. Its amazingly well put together. The ideas and concepts are sound, describe the source image in a dozen different ways, and the cube, sum of the parts, format even fits the picture, not just the big open rectangle, but the building concept. That was.. Personally, you should go ahead and post the poem on the comments for the picture.


Vote I seriously considered just flipping a coin. Holy crap, I want you both in the next round. Ahh well. The criss crossing square was creative and fiendish, and it NARROWLY gets my vote. Saint Ridley.


I'll keep this under wraps so other judges don't get influenced.

Thanks for all the kind words on the poem. Completely way beyond anything I expected, too, since you looked at it in ways I never even considered. I decided after the last round where my meter was weak to go with a definite metrical structure - a slightly modified version of Anglo-Saxon verse, still structured around alliteration but with an end-rhyme on the first hemstitch of each line.

Had I found the time, I would have tried to get a further three lines in to make it the squarest sonnet ever. As it stands, though, I think it works fine as it is and your reading has only bolstered that feeling.

[Zeb The Troll]

Prompt (http://jpgmn.deviantart.com/art/Trapped-210307614?)

{Removed by request}Is this kind of what you had in mind?

{Removed by request}
Of course you wouldn't have the dots, but I couldn't figure out how to get rid of those and still maintain the structure.

[SaintRidley]

Is this kind of what you had in mind?

*snip*
Of course you wouldn't have the dots, but I couldn't figure out how to get rid of those and still maintain the structure.

Not really. I placed the ends and beginnings of each half-line purposefully. That formatting just moves the lines around in ways I never intended to have them placed.

Here's a poem with similar use of caesura. That's more what I was going for. The emerging halo half-line is supposed to be off to the right with nothing to its left because it both completes the previous half-line and offers a turn like in a sonnet. (http://www.anglo-saxons.net/hwaet/?do=get&type=text&id=Sfr&textOnly=true)

[Alarra]

Phae Nymna vs. Averagejoe
Phae Nymna: This kind of fell flat for me. It was descriptive, certainly, I could see the scene being described, and the language used was nice. It didn’t flow as nicely as I would like. There were some very beautiful lines though. However, at the end of the poem, even after several readings, I found myself not really caring, if that makes sense. I felt no connection to the people on the boat. I didn’t feel compelled to keep reading. The boat’s name and title had me looking for references that weren’t there, or at least, that I couldn’t find, and the whole thing left me feeling rather disappointed.

Averagejoe: Hmm. From the initial line, I thought this was about a boat as well, but the rest of the poem seems to be about someone watching for a boat from the dock. This leads me to wonder how he was ‘bucked and tossed in stormy waves’, if he wasn’t actually in the ocean. The flow wasn’t really there, I kept wanting there to be another line in each verse. I liked the story though, and the idea behind it. The imagery was good and I really liked some of the lines, especially the 2nd and last verses.

Verdict: I don’t know that either of these were my favorites. There were things I liked and didn’t like about both. Overall, I wasn’t especially fond of either of them. So… averagejoe.

Maulrus vs. Haruki-kun
Maulrus:I like the story being told and it ties very well to the prompt. However, I found myself wanting to rewrite it as I read, rearranging words and trying to make things fit the flow that I felt the poem could have with just a little tweaking. Some things just seemed…off. It’s a good poem though, just could benefit from a run by an editor.

Haruki-kin:I really like this. I don’t know that it fits the prompt as well as the other, but the rhythm and language make me want to read it over and over. It was smart and interesting. I really liked the cat lines, although they seemed a bit disjointed to the rest of the poem. I don’t know that the repetition of ‘to the ground’ was necessary. I feel it could have benefited from a different start of the line, such as ‘through the air’. I also wasn’t sure why that line was a question. But these are just little nitpicky things, overall I really enjoyed it.

Verdict: Haruki-kun

SaintRidley vs. The JJ
SaintRidley I really liked this. I liked the unconventional formatting and the way it echoed the architecture of the prompt. What I loved was the way that it could be read several ways. You could read the lines all the way across, but that also each square was perfectly readable as a poem unto itself, or with the square below. Lovely. Edit after reading leaking pen’s…it totally works diagonally too! That’s so cool. I can’t even imagine how hard that was to do.

The JJ I like this too. The language is beautiful, the rhythm flows very well and the imagery and story, such as there is, is interesting. I’m not sure what else to say actually. This was a really nice poem and I enjoyed it a lot.

Verdict: A pity that these two ended up against each other, as I think they’re my two favorites of the round, but I have to go with SaintRidley because just wow.

[Zeb The Troll]

Not really. I placed the ends and beginnings of each half-line purposefully. That formatting just moves the lines around in ways I never intended to have them placed.

Here's a poem with similar use of caesura. That's more what I was going for. The emerging halo half-line is supposed to be off to the right with nothing to its left because it both completes the previous half-line and offers a turn like in a sonnet. (http://www.anglo-saxons.net/hwaet/?do=get&type=text&id=Sfr&textOnly=true)Hmmm. I was trying to go with the description that leakingpen used that you said was about right with it being in four squares with a final line in the middle and trying to make the different readings more easily visualized for the non-erudite such as myself.

[SaintRidley]

SaintRidley vs. The JJ
SaintRidley I really liked this. I liked the unconventional formatting and the way it echoed the architecture of the prompt. What I loved was the way that it could be read several ways. You could read the lines all the way across, but that also each square was perfectly readable as a poem unto itself, or with the square below. Lovely. Edit after reading leaking pen’s…it totally works diagonally too! That’s so cool. I can’t even imagine how hard that was to do.

Verdict: A pity that these two ended up against each other, as I think they’re my two favorites of the round, but I have to go with SaintRidley because just wow.

I'll do like I did with leakingpen.
I'll tell you that it was a completely unconscious thing and that I put no special effort toward it. Because it was. It never even occurred to me to look at it that way until I saw leakingpen did. Reading it any way other than left to right, from top to bottom simply never occurred.

Glad it seems to work in all these ways, though.

[leakingpen]

You need to learn from scotty!

[SaintRidley]

Scotty?

[/is this 10 chars?]

[Gaelbert]

I'm really sorry guys. I was hoping to have my judgments finished before classes started up again, but I wasn't quite able. I'll try to have it up tonight. I was not expecting to have this much of a workload.

[leakingpen]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9SVhg6ZENw

also, only able to find it in text form, not a clip

Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Look, Mr. Scott, I'd love to explain everything to you, but the Captain wants this spectrographic analysis done by 1300 hours.
[La Forge goes back to work; Scotty follows slowly]
Scotty: Do you mind a little advice? Starfleet captains are like children. They want everything right now and they want it their way. But the secret is to give them only what they need, not what they want.
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Yeah, well, I told the Captain I'd have this analysis done in an hour.
Scotty: How long will it really take?
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: An hour!
Scotty: Oh, you didn't tell him how long it would *really* take, did ya?
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Well, of course I did.
Scotty: Oh, laddie. You've got a lot to learn if you want people to think of you as a miracle worker.

[The_JJ]

I'm just surprised nobody noticed my first poem segued into an acrostic.

[SaintRidley]

Ah, now I get it.

[Alarra]

I'm just surprised nobody noticed my first poem segued into an acrostic.
Huh, I so didn't even notice that. Very cool.

[Gaelbert]

averagejoe vs. Phae Nymna
averagejoe
The rhyme scheme seemed a little off kilter to me, and the first stanza seemed to end rather abruptly. I did like the theme and the poem as a whole, however.
Phae Nymna
Impressed with your diction, it built an effective image for me. On the negative side, your stanzas seemed somewhat choppy.
Winneraveragejoe by a hair.


Maulrus vs. Haruki-kun

MaulrusFairly basic rhyme scheme for the first 3 stanzas, changed slightly for the 4th. Didn't seem forced or contrived at all. Enjoyed it, but I question the use of the word "withered" twice in one sentence.
Haruki-kunEven simpler rhyme scheme, this one got in my way a little. My main issue with the poem is it seemed vaguely cliche in a way I can't quite explain. Sorry I can't narrow it down and be of actual help.
WinnerMaulrus

The JJ vs. SaintRidley

The JJVery impressed with this poem, it was a delight to read out loud.
SaintRidleyI wanted to like it, I really did. The poem itself was excellent, but I had a very hard time with the formatting. While I can see its purpose, it ended up being mainly distracting.
WinnerThe JJ

[CWater]

Agh, I'm late again!
Sorry, I'll try to get some judgements done today.:smalleek:

My only excuse is that I'm moving to a new apartment this week, and there's been all sort of hassle..:smallsigh:

[averagejoe]

I'm just surprised nobody noticed my first poem segued into an acrostic.

I'm pretty sure every poem I've done for this has had elements which I've considered really important but which weren't noticed. It's just the nature of the thing.

As usual, thank you, judges, for your comments.

[Vaynor]

Judges? Let's get a move on.

[Asthix]

Has Joosbawx bowed out as a judge? They are still listed as a judge on the first page...

[Vaynor]

From what I understand, yes.

In other news, I just had an appendectomy and will be unavailable for some time. If someone else could take over in the meantime that would be great.

[leakingpen]

I'll go ahead and step up.

With only 3 judges, we have winners.

Averagejoe with two votes.

Maulrus, unanimously.

And Saint Ridley with two votes.

Our final round will be a tough one, three excellent competitors duking it out for top honors. So I would like to change it up a bit. In the Iron Chef spirit in which this competition started, I for one would like to see what these three can do if given the opportunity to take multiple directions. To that end, if no one has objections or a reason not too, I would like each competitor in this final round to present THREE poems, or poem groupings (per the standard entry rules) on our theme. In doing so, I think we should extend the time to two weeks instead of one.

With the U.S.A.'s biggest holiday fast approaching, a theme comes to mind. Dear to every toddler exploring for the first time, every teenager determined to make their own way, and every office drone dreaming of pulling an "Office space", Our final secret ingredient, to shape 3 poems each, is

Rebellion!

[Haruki-kun]

Maulrus, unanimously.

That wasn't unanimous! :smallfrown: I got one vote...

Right here, see?


Maulrus vs. Haruki-kun
Maulrus:I like the story being told and it ties very well to the prompt. However, I found myself wanting to rewrite it as I read, rearranging words and trying to make things fit the flow that I felt the poem could have with just a little tweaking. Some things just seemed…off. It’s a good poem though, just could benefit from a run by an editor.

Haruki-kin:I really like this. I don’t know that it fits the prompt as well as the other, but the rhythm and language make me want to read it over and over. It was smart and interesting. I really liked the cat lines, although they seemed a bit disjointed to the rest of the poem. I don’t know that the repetition of ‘to the ground’ was necessary. I feel it could have benefited from a different start of the line, such as ‘through the air’. I also wasn’t sure why that line was a question. But these are just little nitpicky things, overall I really enjoyed it.

Verdict: Haruki-kun

[leakingpen]

Umm... hmm. I tallied the votes, then looked back over , read myOWN vote, and thought I tallied for you because I mentioned you first by mistake. So, yeah, maulrus 2 to 1, red on my face. sorry Haruki!

[averagejoe]

Our final round will be a tough one, three excellent competitors duking it out for top honors. So I would like to change it up a bit. In the Iron Chef spirit in which this competition started, I for one would like to see what these three can do if given the opportunity to take multiple directions. To that end, if no one has objections or a reason not too, I would like each competitor in this final round to present THREE poems, or poem groupings (per the standard entry rules) on our theme. In doing so, I think we should extend the time to two weeks instead of one.

With the U.S.A.'s biggest holiday fast approaching, a theme comes to mind. Dear to every toddler exploring for the first time, every teenager determined to make their own way, and every office drone dreaming of pulling an "Office space", Our final secret ingredient, to shape 3 poems each, is

Rebellion!

Interesting idea. Could be neat.

[Gaelbert]

Do we have a deadline or such for the contestants, or are we going to wait everyone's finished at their own pace?
I see, two weeks. So the deadline is July 9?

[leakingpen]

Correct, the deadline is July 9th.

[Vaynor]

Thanks leakingpen! I'm back in the hospital with a post-op infection, so unfortunately it might be a while until I'll be able to resume running the contest. Good luck to the contestants. :smallsmile:

[leakingpen]

Vaynor, get better soon! Infections suck worse than operations! (ask your doctor about Phage therapy, just to watch the vein on their forehead die. )

[SaintRidley]

I hate do do it. I'm going to have to drop. Too much crap has been saddled on me the last two weeks to even have time to think about this.

Sorry.

[leakingpen]

Ridley, the other two competitors ahve not responded at all. So... if you crank out 3 pieces of doggrel, you'll win! Actually, I think we might see about just postponing for a few weeks.

[averagejoe]

Ridley, the other two competitors ahve not responded at all. So... if you crank out 3 pieces of doggrel, you'll win! Actually, I think we might see about just postponing for a few weeks.

Oh, that wasn't just you throwing around ideas? Whoops.

[Gaelbert]

So what's the status on the competition? Postponed indefinitely?

[SaintRidley]

Well, Vaynor contacted me asking if I'm still out.

If a set date for poems to be submitted is put forward, I could probably do one or two. Not sure I can do three, though. Not with any quality in the third one.

[leakingpen]

okay, forget my suggestion then. Can all contestants post saying they are up for continuation, and we'll start a timer once they all have?

[Asthix]

Hmm. It seems Malurus has not been on for a while. I still have hope that a final round can be held, perhaps only writing one poem between the other two contestants? I don't want this to be the end of Iron Poet...

EDIT: -VVV- Hooray!

[Vaynor]

Sorry for the delays, I've been on an internet-less vacation for the past week and a half or so. Here's what we're going to do:

After this post I will send a PM to all three contestants. Each will be expected to produce a single poem by the due date, going along with leakingpen's theme of Rebellion. If people don't show up (namely Maulrus, as I have not yet heard from him), they will be disqualified as usual. Even if we only have one contestant produce a poem, at least we can finish the contest by the specified date and begin anew.

Deadline: Friday, August 12th 2011 at 11:59 pm (EDT).

[SaintRidley]

theme: rebellion

Title: Meaningless Clatter

Do you hear it? The whispering,
the click-clacking of the keyboards
and the silence of the spam filters –

It’s all around—a feeling
of rage seething in the chambers
of the mind, cagey and scared.

It rattles against the bars,
grunting and howling, crying
out in anguish and calling

For release. It summons its
brethren and, like a prophet
of Judgment, it condemns

With words caked in the blood
of battles fought long ago,
coated in the venom of aristocratic might;

It calls for an army, a surge
of power against the “interlopers,”
against the insufficient of pride,

The unclean of blood and class
who stand as a threat to the power
to be gained in their own destruction.

The crowds swell around the prophet,
its words a comfort to their aching hearts,
its words a patch upon a rotting wound

Its words, only words, showing
how little power they truly hold
as the wounds fester and turn

Gangrenous with apathy, for words!
Empty words, formed high and mighty,
but behind the curtain only letters made to resemble power,

A trick of the sermon fed through the air
in words, to people, who rage silent
against the prison they impose upon themselves.

[averagejoe]

Bitter Bitter Hate Romance Something Something

So how do things stand, O conqueror?
That look in your eyes,
that sultry demeanor which
in distant times may have had allure
to rival those myths,
the skin-changers who
through illusion and song
lead men to their doom,
which is to say
not much has changed.

Let’s start again.

A rose is never ugly for
it sits and grows, does nothing more.
Beauty here is hard to find
manipulating hearts and minds
giving hurt to call it kind
yet all enjoy your shallow guise
call you the overwhelming prize.
You do not believe when I say no
I’m being coy; it’s a game, it’s a show,
like the ones you play. How does that go?
And irony of ironies, now that I’m through
I find that I’ve written this all about you.

[SaintRidley]

That should be my last title adjustment too.

Good luck, Joe.

[averagejoe]

That should be my last title adjustment too.

Good luck, Joe.

I appreciate that. I may be a little bitter, though, since I was going for the by default win and you seem to have ruined that. :smalltongue:

[Gaelbert]

Sorry about the short length of the judgments, I had much more written up but fell into computer troubles. For the purposes of timeliness I replicated the gist of my original judgments here, just not so much in detail.

Meaningless Clatter
It was interesting to see how this poem progressed, it seemed to move a fair distance from the first few lines. Smoothly, though, it didn't feel contrived. The flow was well done

Bitter Bitter Hate Romance Something Something
I had to read this quite a number of times before I felt comfortable judging it. It has a hypnotic quality about it, and the rhymes sound present but subtle. I found the first few lines to be particularly gripping, and it didn't let up throughout.

Judgment
Averagejoe wins it by a hair. This is the hardest time I've had judging any two poems, and both the poets should be congratulated for their exceptional work.

[Alarra]

Oh, right...judgments. Sorry. I'll get these done tomorrow probably.

[leakingpen]

SaintRidley
Meaningless Clatter

Alright, lets break it down. Free form poem, no rythym or rhyme structure, in triplets. Generally the triplets do contain independent thoughts, which is good. The following set,

out in anguish and calling

For release. It summons its

Splitting a sentence between lines is cool. between triplets, its a little jarring. I know its free form, but you’ve imposed a small measure of form with the triplets, keep it that way.

It seems... Like you used big words just to use big words. Which fits the theme of the poem, i supposed. But.. I don’t see Rebellion here.
I liked it, but it seems like you were trying to hard. Not letting it flow.

AverageJoe
Bitter Bitter Hate Romance Something Something

Wow, um... hmm. So, there is an internal rhythm scheme, but it breaks across the actual line breaks. Strange. But it has a good flow. The first part is unrhymed, then the break line, then couplets. Very tight couplets, like someone trying very hard to make poetry from their thoughts, it fits the flavor, that the first chunk is just a burst, the second an attempt at impromptu poetry. The free verse is better than the rhyming section, personally. And again, I really don’t see rebellion. But beyond that, I have no nits to pick with the piece.

Judgement

I like averagejoe’s composition better. I like Saintridley’s content better. I don’t have a reason why, but, my vote goes to Saintridley.

[Zeb The Troll]

SaintRidley
Meaningless Clatter
[...] But.. I don’t see Rebellion here.
I liked it, but it seems like you were trying to hard. Not letting it flow.For what it's worth, I can see the "rebellion" clear as day in this poem. Well, more like a call for a rebellion as a cause that the internet masses rally behind, but fail to figuratively take up arms and do something about. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but this is the non-poetic short version I get from this tale...

This is Unjust!

Yeah!

We must rise up and take action to right this wrong!

YEAH!

"WHO'S WITH ME?"

*crickets*
Yeah, ummm, good luck with that crusade. I was more just here for moral support...

AverageJoe
Bitter Bitter Hate Romance Something Something
[...] And again, I really don’t see rebellion. But beyond that, I have no nits to pick with the piece.This one is more subtle, but to me the "rebellion" is the heart against the mind. The mind goes on and on about why this person is not worthy of admiration, but the heart "rebels" and desires them anyway. Again, just my read on it and I'm certainly not schooled in literary interpretation or poetry.
If someone, especially the poets, would like to clarify where I've misinterpreted, I'd be interested in reading it.

[leakingpen]

For what it's worth, I can see the "rebellion" clear as day in this poem. Well, more like a call for a rebellion as a cause that the internet masses rally behind, but fail to figuratively take up arms and do something about. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but this is the non-poetic short version I get from this tale...

This is Unjust!

Yeah!

We must rise up and take action to right this wrong!

YEAH!

"WHO'S WITH ME?"

*crickets*
Yeah, ummm, good luck with that crusade. I was more just here for moral support...
This one is more subtle, but to me the "rebellion" is the heart against the mind. The mind goes on and on about why this person is not worthy of admiration, but the heart "rebels" and desires them anyway. Again, just my read on it and I'm certainly not schooled in literary interpretation or poetry.
If someone, especially the poets, would like to clarify where I've misinterpreted, I'd be interested in reading it.


Personally, if you have to be schooled in literary interpretation, you will never be successful at it. I can see your second interpretation, actually, and feel stupid for missing it.
the first though, completely different than how I read it. I read it as a satire of flamewars.

[Zeb The Troll]

the first though, completely different than how I read it. I read it as a satire of flamewars.I'm keeping this spoilered until all the judgements are in.
I can see where you'd get that, now that you mention it, but particulars that got my attention were the prophet calling for an army, which seems to materialize then turns apathetic as they realize the prophet's speech was nothing but vitriol and rhetoric, high minded thought it was.

[SaintRidley]

I'll keep this spoiled for now. Judges who have not locked in your choices, please stay clear.

First thing, I banged this poem out in ten minutes in the reply window because I had some ideas and partially written stuff but hadn't quite figured it out by the deadline, so I just sort of started going. Freestyling, if you will.

Not an excuse, but that's one reason it's not so polished (that and I consider this contest a good drafting stage for me to put together ideas and see where I need to tighten things up).

So, as to the content and the rebellion. I actually changed the title several times, one of which was "Modern American Rebellion." Basically, I don't think Americans have the capacity to actually rebel anymore. We're a sedentary, coddled people who respond very well to the rhetoric of rebellion but have no ability to actually do anything.

I'd considered a line, back at the beginning of putting this poem together (when I had initially conceived of it addressing the reader as our modern rebel) berating the reader and calling them "not an activist, slacktivist--"
but it felt too direct and didn't wind up happening.

Flamewar satire is an interesting interpretation and not one I'm opposed to. I can see all the pieces of that and I kind of like it. Zeb's comment about the apathy is good and part of what I was going for. One of the main things I did go for, an I don't know how well it turned out, was the idea that these prophets with their high rhetoric are stirring the pot, getting people to follow them even if they would be better off in fierce opposition (we're too apathetic to even know what's in our own self-interest), and even then their words don't change anything and the whole thing falls apart as people don't care enough either way to do anything.

So, um... yeah.

[Alarra]

Judgments:

AverageJoe: I found this interesting. I could see two ways that this could talk to the rebellion prompt, first he’s rebelling against his own feelings, heart against mind type of thing. He can see that she is not worthwhile, but he is still thinking about her. He is also rebelling against society and the fact that everyone considers her a prize. I enjoyed the fact that it was two poems that both conveyed the same idea. I also liked how it was directed toward the object of his scorn/desire. It made it more immediate and relatable than had it been more observational in nature. The rhyme in the second poem made me read it in a quick, almost mocking way, which felt very right given the subject.

SaintRidley This poem felt a bit too vague for me. I would have liked more insight into who you were describing, what they were rebelling against. Though perhaps that worked for it as it could evoke the idea of any number of groups. I think that actually helps with the computer tie in in that there is a group out there rebelling against anything you could probably think of. I think I would have preferred a specific subject though, it would have made the idea more relatable. I liked the idea, especially as it became clear in the final paragraphs of how the words don’t equal power and they talk a lot, but never really –do- anything. But then, this seemed somewhat wrong too because these words do have power and do do things. And with blogs and emails and facebook and twitter no one rages silently. I am very fond of a lot of your word choices and though I usually dislike splitting a line across stanzas, where you did so, it worked very well.

Verdict: One thing I like about this contest is that I am constantly surprised and neither of these entries fit what I was expecting to come out of a theme of ‘rebellion’, so thank you for that. They were both very well written and you both have an excellent command of language and emotion. I think I’m going to go with AverageJoe though.

[Vaynor]

Congratulations averagejoe, winner of Iron Poet XIII! New thread will be up momentarily.

[averagejoe]

As always, thanks to the judges.

[Asthix]

Y'know, reading averagejoe's poem again from the first round, removed from the competition of it makes me realize just how great it is. In my opinion the best of the competition. Read it again here. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=10904785&postcount=56)

[leakingpen]

hmm, now that youve explained it, both of you, yeah, I see the rebellion. And it is definitely a failing of the reader in applying my own prejudices to the activities, and not a failure of the poets. That said, I still would vote the same. And yeah, Averagejoes first is best.

[averagejoe]

Thanks a lot you guys. I was actually pretty surprised by how well that turned out myself. It's almost certainly the best I've ever written.

[leakingpen]

so, now youre going to go submit it places, right.

[averagejoe]

Probably after a little more work on it. I did run out of time before I was completely satisfied (though I probably also worked on it as much as ever other IP entry I've done put together >.> ) and the judges all gave me good feedback that I'm keeping in mind.