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An Enemy Spy
2011-12-13, 03:12 AM
Ok, I haven't updated my Netflix requests for a while and I'm starting to get into the bottom barrel part of it. So the movie I got this weekend was one I don't remember even requesting, but apparently I did.
A 2006 movie called "The Covenant". When I saw the title, I subconsiously thought "Sweet! It's Halo related!" before good old rational thought kicked in and I remembered there is no Halo movie (seriously, get that made already). I remembered seeing the ads for it a few years ago and not really thinking all that much of it.
The cover looked like a rather lame urban fantasy teen show, like Supernatural only not friggin awesome. I thought it would probably be kinda dumb but entertaining, and after gorging myself on football all day (dang that Tim Tebow is cool), I popped into the old Xbox and watched it.

Wow.

Wow.

Seriously. Wow. That is all I have to say. This movie is terrible, and that means something coming from me. I am the kind of person who always tries to find something good in a movie that other people tend to hate (Star Wars prequels rock and nothing you can ever say will dissuade me of that. Jar Jar does suck though.) but this movie is awful!
From the first minute I could tell this would be a dud. The four heroes, named Idiot #1, Idiot #2, Idiot #3 and Who the Heck is This Guy Again?, are all horrible actors, the type you usually find being spat out the bottom of the porn industry.
In fact, there isn't even one capable actor in the whole film, not even an aging over the hill former B-lister struggling to find the last bit of work before the bank forcloses on their unwisely bought mansion. The actors have clearly been chosen based on their looks and nothing else.
The writers are about as adept. The main bad guy stands in the middle of a highway and threatens Idiot #2 by reciting "Little Miss Muffet". Seriously. I don't drink, but if I did, I would probably be on my thirtieth bottle by that point. Oh Johnny, take my misery away!
DISCLAIMER: An Enemy Spy does not advise or endorse drinking thirty bottles of Johnny Walker, even during The Covenant.

That's not even the worst line though. That honor goes to the DBZ/Matrix wannabe climax, where the villian, at the very height of power and the hero having seemingly no chance of escape rises up and exclaims, in a triumpant voice that will shake the earth and move the very heavens, "I'm gonna make you my Wi-otch!"
See what he did there? It's like Bi-otch, only they have magic witch powers, so it's wi-otch. Move aside Bill Murray, you can't compete with this guy in comedy!
Normally, I would suggest you see this movie to see for yourselves, but I wouldn't recomend this movie for Helen Keller. I wouldn't recomend this movie for a wall.

Feytalist
2011-12-13, 03:50 AM
Well, it's got a 3% rating at Rotten Tomatoes, and that says all it needs to, really.

I know I've seen it, but I remember absolutely nothing about it. Guess it's Just That Bad.

MlleRouge
2011-12-14, 06:34 PM
Ah yes, The Covenant.


An ex of mine took me to see this film for our second date, the first date being the Van Wilder sequel.


I had forgotten how bad it was. The Harry Potter joke at the beginning was the first thing to set off warning bells for me.