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View Full Version : Famous Websites As Magical Artifacts



Leliel
2012-06-15, 08:09 PM
So, for no apparent reason, a Random Omnipotent Being has decided to incarnate (in)famous websites as powerful magic items, each with their own unique properties and abilities. Such as the 4chansword, or the Troperblade, or the Gallery of Deviant Imaginings, or the Encyclopedia of All Wisdom that Any May Edit, etc.

What do you think the remade little bits of Internet Fame are capable of, given how they are generally used and their image in real life?

My example:

The Undefined Awful Thing: A reusable grenade that, when triggered, floods the area with strangely eloquent insults, biting sarcasm, and humorous perspective of various games. Regarded as a force for good against the dark power of the /B/astard Edge, if only because it wants its title back as Most Hated Thing In The Universe.

Ninjadeadbeard
2012-06-15, 09:02 PM
Anon's Mask: A mask that, when worn, causes everyone who meets the wearer to instantly forget their face and name. This is a permanent effect.

Note: The wearer must make an hourly will save or be consumed by the mask.

Orb of Trope: A crystal ball that may grant all the knowledge that ever was directly into the mind of it's wielder. None of this knowledge is particularly useful or relevant, and usually only serves to kill time. The Orb itself is sentient and can talk.

Warning: Giants are known to attack those they see wielding the orb. The orb will always provoke giants to attack.

Mookie's Scarf: Grants Scrying as the spell to the wearer of this scarf as an SLA. The wearer can use this ability a number of times equal to their Int modifier. The wearer is considered Chaotic Evil, but does not register thus to magical detection. The wearer may, once per week, declare another person Evil. If this person is Good or Neutral, their alignment is permanently shifted to Evil. If this person is already Evil, their next dice roll will always come up a Nat 1.

Ok. That last one might be cheating...

darkblade
2012-06-15, 10:14 PM
The Tomes of Wiki: A series of mystical tomes that contain much written knowledge written down the various wielders of any of the books. Anything written in one book shall appear in every other one in the world, as will any changes made to earlier records. This feature makes the tomes potentially invaluable but the information is of questionable value due to potential edits by less competent editors.

Ravens_cry
2012-06-16, 04:32 AM
Plex's Google.
A chrome sphere containing the sum of all possible knowledge and information, the sheer quantity has been known to drive even the wisest to the brink of insanity, and beyond.

Tengu_temp
2012-06-16, 05:47 AM
Yew Tube
Thousands of scenes from the past can be seen through this wooden tube, just look into one end and the scene appears on the other. Some of them are valuable, showing the locations of hidden treasure, secrets meetings or performances by famous bards... But most of them are just cats acting in a cute and funny manner.

McNum
2012-06-16, 06:02 AM
Bird of Tweeting
Residing in a small cage is an unassuming blue bird. However, when spoken to, the blue bird can work as a Sending spell, transmitting a short message to another creature. Unlike Sending, the Bird of Tweeting can send its message to multiple receivers, who will all get the option of sending back a reply, or forwarding the message to another creature.

However, if you attempt to send a message that the bird is unable to deliver, a hostile Infernal Whale will be summoned to a location 200 feet above you with a direct line of falling sight, despite the otherwise impossibility of summoning an aquatic creature in mid air.

ThePhantasm
2012-06-16, 07:26 AM
Face-Book: A magical tome that allows you to look up the autobiographical back story, stats, and other information about any ally or opponent you encounter. Sometimes the information may be false due to the deviousness of your opponents or just their simple desire to look better before the world, so take it with a grain of salt.

Meme-Magic: Visual spells that will either reduce your opponents to laughter, bore them to apathy, or enrage them to increased attack. Risky.

The Omegle: A strange mechanical device that allows you to speak to Trolls. Warning: extended use may turn you into either a troll-feeder or a troll yourself. I mean, why talk to trolls to begin with?

tensai_oni
2012-06-16, 08:21 AM
The Cracked Mirror: Originally an improved version of the fabled magic mirror, it answered questions as lists (Kingdom's Top Ten Fairest Maidens and stuff like that). Unfortunately, after an encounter with a jealous enchantress the artifact became... well, cracked. All it provides now is lists of amusing but questionably useful trivia, such as 6 Most Useless Polearms or 8 Disgusting Magical Beast Behaviors (That Started In Humans).

Scowling Dragon
2012-06-16, 08:51 AM
The Rapids of the share

A Magical river that can multiply, store and transport goods to anybody in the kingdom who has access to its banks. Unfortunately, there is a tendency for people to toss artisan creations into the river which causes a damage to profits causing many to wonder wether or not it does more good then harm.

Dr.Epic
2012-06-16, 11:28 AM
I don't care what Homestarrunner.com's magical properties is. I just know I want it.:smallbiggrin:

Candle Jack
2012-06-16, 11:48 AM
I don't care what Homestarrunner.com's magical properties is. I just know I want it.:smallbiggrin:

To suddenly stop updating without so much as an announcement? :smalltongue:

The Tome of The Sage Wikis Pedia: Provides +5 to knowledge checks, but there is a 10 per cent chance with each usage that the knowledge provided will be deliberately incorrect or misleading.

darkblade
2012-06-16, 11:58 AM
The Four Chains: A western variant on ancient eastern artifacts (the Two Chains). As their name implies there are four of them that have different powers.

/b/astard: The most famous chain. It is known for it's fondness for younger wielders and cats, granting wielders under the age of 12 and/or of a feline race (bonuses stack). Most everything else it hates granting it's wielder a vast combat bonus.
/co/ntact: The most docile of the four chains. It has an odd fondness for wielders who wear spandex or leather. Recently it has taken a deep seated hatred of anything Equine for reasons unknown. It will not be drawn in the presence of a pony, horse, centaur, unicorn or anything else of their ilk unless they are the target of the wielder's aggression.
/v/enom: Ever angry and ever cruel. /v/enom is prone to lash out at it's own wielder as often as it is their enemies. When drawn in combat it's master must continuously argue with the weapon to keep it's wrath focused away from his or her self. This is sometimes worth it as /v/enom has been known to level vast armies by itself while in the right hands.
/d/eviance: Whoever touches this chain will find themselves growing new extremities at least once a day for the duration of the time they posses this weapon. Some of them will be useful but the majority of them are only superficial and serve only to make it's master more beautiful in the demented eyes of /d/eviance.

Soras Teva Gee
2012-06-16, 01:20 PM
Ship of Black Sails: Moves about the world seemingly of its own volition unable to be caught or sunk though possible to board. It is said beneath the decks lie an infinite series of cargo holds that contain perfect copies of all the greatest treasures of the world. If one can find it and looks long enough almost anything can be obtained free of charge. Greatly Feared.

Scroll of Daily Equine Activity: Cursed magical scroll that only gives information concerning equine creatures. All that behold it must succeed on a Will save every round or be permanently fascinated with the doings of equine creatures. Not even a Wish or Miracle can reverse this effect.

Pokonic
2012-06-16, 01:43 PM
The Scroll of Creations Prefectica: The following scroll (actualy a huge book) details over a thousand beasts and items, ranging from unstoppible scaly beasts of war to animated statues capible of sundering even the strongest of mankind. The only issue in using these things to your advantage is that each of the items require mulitible qualifications for the summoning chamber, wether it be 12x12 floors or a sacrafice of five criminals each week to feed it's hunger. Perhapes most importently, it never says what things are hostile and what things are benificial to mankind. Neverless, anyone could summon up the things inside without any precautions, but those summoners rarly live to see what there beasts can do.

Senator Cybus
2012-06-16, 08:46 PM
The 'Ammer of Zonn DottKom, crafted by a mage with more money than sense and too lazy to walk to the shops.

The Hammer (or 'Ammer as the mage pronounced it) granted its wielder visions of a vast, endless market place, in which virtually any item was available for sale.

If the 'Ammer's wielder wished to purchase something, the appropriate amount of coin simply disappeared from their person and the item magically appeared directly before them. In three to five working days.

Past users of the 'Ammer have cautioned that it is best not to use this artifact while in an emotional state or inebriated, as this can lead to rapid depletion of coin.

Senator Cybus
2012-06-16, 09:01 PM
Yew Tube
Thousands of scenes from the past can be seen through this wooden tube, just look into one end and the scene appears on the other. Some of them are valuable, showing the locations of hidden treasure, secrets meetings or performances by famous bards... But most of them are just cats acting in a cute and funny manner.

Wielders of the Yew Tube should beware that some of its previous owners have been driven mad, after viewing an infamous incident known only as Two Wenches One Goblet...:smalleek:

Soras Teva Gee
2012-06-16, 09:18 PM
The Ebany Sword: A superior blade availible at low prices. Has a peculiar property where should any party offer more wealth then the sword was last purchased for, ownership will transfer to said party.

Gnomish Wanderer
2012-06-17, 06:07 AM
The Scroll of Creations Prefectica: The following scroll (actualy a huge book) details over a thousand beasts and items, ranging from unstoppible scaly beasts of war to animated statues capible of sundering even the strongest of mankind. The only issue in using these things to your advantage is that each of the items require mulitible qualifications for the summoning chamber, wether it be 12x12 floors or a sacrafice of five criminals each week to feed it's hunger. Perhapes most importently, it never says what things are hostile and what things are benificial to mankind. Neverless, anyone could summon up the things inside without any precautions, but those summoners rarly live to see what there beasts can do.
But nary will you summon 173, for that and a blink speaks only death!

Ravens_cry
2012-06-17, 07:29 AM
The Dandi Ale
A foul bottle of homebrew, it compels new drinkers to imbibe, only to make them vomit and wretch from its sheer awfulness, been variously described in different, but all equally awful, ways by every single drinker.
Occasionally, very, very occasionally, a user will find nectar or at least adequate 'brew within its depths, often recognizable as some well known brand or the other, but almost universally its contents are reviled.

Kris on a Stick
2012-06-17, 07:44 AM
But nary will you summon 173, for that and a blink speaks only death!

And thou shalt not expose the contents within to a dead body.

Scowling Dragon
2012-06-17, 08:09 AM
The Pasta of Fear

A Scary pasta that has been said to be created by a mad wizard. Eating so much as a single noodle tells the eater horrific tales that drive them mad. Eating a whole plate turns the eater into a mad god.

Cespenar
2012-06-17, 08:14 AM
Figurine of the Going Duck

Not only does this figurine supply you with the names of the people, places or objects relevant with what you ask, it is also completely undetectable by all Divination spells.

Pokonic
2012-06-17, 02:01 PM
The Twelve Plates: Each of these twelve sheets of metal has on it a inscription of a person, place, or thing. Throwing any or all of the plates into a volcano (or another source of superheated rock) causes the inscription to take form on the matirial plane. Among other things, things summoned by the sheets have been anything from increadably detailed spiked socks to gigantic underground complexes brimming with traps with untolled riches at the end of it. Neverless, around every two months or so, the plates regenerate back to it's original number, and new inscriptions are present instead of the same ones from before.

Warning: Users tend to go stark raving mad after a few weeks of using the plates, usualy after they get somthing about kittens.

JustSomeGuy
2012-06-17, 04:07 PM
The Ripped Toe of Strength:

A toe attatched to a belt (4 inch single prong obviously), that increases the users's strength by +1 each month until their clothes/armour no longer fit and must be tailored around the posterior. Also a 10% chance of a random troll encounter.

Can be further augmented with the Pendant of Lay for continued strength progression.

Raimun
2012-06-18, 09:01 AM
The Elder Stick.

This simple stick, forged by a giant, doesn't look like much at the first glance but it actually has the magical power to make it all better. Can cast Wish or Miracle 1/week... or so.

Telonius
2012-06-18, 11:20 AM
Mask of the Laughing Cat.

This mask resembles the head of a smiling gray cat. There are three runes written in gold on the cat's forehead: L, O, and L. These runes are rumored to be the initials of the wizard who first created it, but their origins remain otherwise obscure.

Continuous effect: The wearer must make a will save when writing anything, or write in partial gibberish. On a failed save, any outside observer will need to make a Decipher Script check (DC 15) before being able to read the text. (The text will always appear as normal to any character wearing a Mask of the Laughing Cat, regardless of a failed save).

1/day, produces a "Hideous Laughter" spell. (Command word: Ohai)
3/day, may create one useful (but invisible) item. (Command word: Invisable ____!)
1/day, creates a Hero's Feast, containing any food desired except cheeseburgers. (Command word: I can haz?)


Vault of the Warrior Princess

The Vault appears to be a flat mirror, with a small opening to insert coins. This highly sought-after artifact was first designed by a high-level Fighter who decided to retire and pursue a quiet life as a merchant. Concerned that there seemed to be limited business opportunities for other women in her situation, she collaborated with a local mage to create a portal to the elemental plane of commerce. The Vault allows the user to instantly purchase any item, magical or mundane, at 75% of its normal list price. To operate the vault, the user inserts the coins. The merchandise appears 1d4+4 days afterwards, in a place specified by the user. (The item will appear instantly if the user inserts 90% of the list price). It is usable only by females who have at least +10 base attack bonus and proficiency in all martial weapons.

Eldan
2012-06-18, 05:06 PM
Tome of the Deviant Artist

This heavy, magical book has a different picture on every page. Some are beautiful illuminations, some simple woodcuts, some even just primitive scribbles made with an ink pen or coal stick.
It is said that anyone willing to spend 2d6 hours searching can find a picture depicting whatever it is they wish to see, even if they do not exactly know what it looks like. The Tome has been known to produce pictures of legendary ancient monsters or long-vanished heroes.
Apart from that, the tome has two more functions: if the searcher rolls two identical numbers on the dice for their search time, but those numbers are not both 1s, they find a picture so beautiful that it inspires them to create a great work of art on their own. They gain a +10 morale bonus on performance and craft checks for the next day, and must immediately make a check with their highest craft or performance check that takes at least 24 hours to complete.
If they roll two ones, they have seen something horrible. If the sanity system is in play, they suffer 1d6 points of sanity damage. Otherwise, they take 1 point of wisdom burn and become nauseated.

Hiro Protagonest
2012-06-18, 05:33 PM
Tome of the Deviant Artist

This heavy, magical book has a different picture on every page. Some are beautiful illuminations, some simple woodcuts, some even just primitive scribbles made with an ink pen or coal stick.
It is said that anyone willing to spend 2d6 hours searching can find a picture depicting whatever it is they wish to see, even if they do not exactly know what it looks like. The Tome has been known to produce pictures of legendary ancient monsters or long-vanished heroes.
Apart from that, the tome has two more functions: if the searcher rolls two identical numbers on the dice for their search time, but those numbers are not both 1s, they find a picture so beautiful that it inspires them to create a great work of art on their own. They gain a +10 morale bonus on performance and craft checks for the next day, and must immediately make a check with their highest craft or performance check that takes at least 24 hours to complete.
If they roll two ones, they have seen something horrible. If the sanity system is in play, they suffer 1d6 points of sanity damage. Otherwise, they take 1 point of wisdom burn and become nauseated.

To expand:

People who have entered their age as somewhere below 18, or have not entered information at all, do not run the risk of seeing something terrible upon two 1s, unless the years have passed to the point that it does register their age as 18+. They will find something they dislike, such as inaccurate fanart or simply a style you don't like.

If they know the bookname of the artist of the picture they're looking for, the time it takes to find the picture is reduced to 2d4 minutes.

Gnomish Wanderer
2012-06-18, 06:26 PM
List of Craig
Primarily used by merchants, this aged parchment shows the trade goods available for whatever town you're currently in. This writing seems to appear once the seller gains intent to sell, and the items for sale include everything from goods to labor. As most of the listings come from the minds of commoners it can be quite sloppy and disorganized.

Man on Fire
2012-06-18, 07:06 PM
Orb of Trope: A crystal ball that may grant all the knowledge that ever was directly into the mind of it's wielder. None of this knowledge is particularly useful or relevant, and usually only serves to kill time. The Orb itself is sentient and can talk.

Warning: Giants are known to attack those they see wielding the orb. The orb will always provoke giants to attack.

The orb is also cursed - new rules of using it are added every day until they turn into too convoluded mess for the Orb to be of any use. And trying to complain to the Orb about it will make it tell you you're rude and ignore you.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of current tvtropes policy.

DarthArminius
2012-06-18, 11:13 PM
Four-Channel Staff: Channels the Four Elements as a 1 DvR demi god. Suffer
-5 to intelligence, wisdom and Charisma

polity4life
2012-06-19, 11:32 AM
The Citrus Soiree
The deceptive happening that begat all that has come after it. Little is known about this relic. Questions such as, "who made this" and "why" will never be answered. All that we do know is that the world plays host to far more malaise than had the Citrus Soiree never been made.

planswalker
2012-06-21, 08:32 AM
The Playground of Giants: an enormous sandbox wondrous location where interdimensional travel and communication happens on a daily basis. Just be careful not to incur the wrath of the great MODPEOPLE who wander this vast sandscape looking to crush violators of the rules under their heels.

Wardog
2012-06-21, 03:12 PM
This one works better as a location than an artefact:

The Twelth Bay.

A rocky cove on the shores of a haunted sea. A nightmarish place, home to crazed dwarves, depraved demons, and the occasional troll. A river runs into it (beware it's deadly carp!) Anyone visiting must make a will save every day that they remain in the area (DC starts low, but increases every day). Failure results in either insanity, an alignment shift to Chaotic and/or Evil, or the sudden urge to build a giant megaproject/ death-trap (or all of the above). Elves especially should avoid this place.

Prime32
2012-06-21, 09:29 PM
The Napper
A once-famous archconjurer whose spells are still used today, he met his end when his enemies trapped him in a spell of eternal sleep.

Hiro Protagonest
2012-06-21, 09:33 PM
The Statue
In the middle of a merchant prince's home stands a statue of an Amazon warrior. Miniature versions of the statue are common, and allow you to buy things from the merchant prince, or from those using him as a middleman to sell their own wares.

Pokonic
2012-06-22, 01:06 AM
The Playground of Giants: an enormous sandbox wondrous location where interdimensional travel and communication happens on a daily basis. Just be careful not to incur the wrath of the great MODPEOPLE who wander this vast sandscape looking to crush violators of the rules under their heels.

However, if you stay, you may find that you fit into one of the great Subspaces that make up the playground, in which groups of people can shape and talk about the world as they see fit, and that the MODPEOPLE will assist you if yu simply ask.

Kira_the_5th
2012-06-22, 07:39 PM
Tome of the Tactical Garrison: A strange tome containing a hivemind of tacticians, from tactical geniuses to (mostly) armchair generals. Strategies related to battles, both large and small scale, as well as training advice, can be found within the tome. However, the ways of Magic are often lost on them.

darkblade
2012-06-22, 09:30 PM
The Kickstar: A tiny wooden coinbox in the shape of a star. Designed to help starting out adventures once a day it has a 60% percent chance of doubling money put into it if it finds the adventurer who puts the money in "awesome" enough. The money produced by the Kickstar can only be spent on Adeventuring related expenses, any attempts to spend it on luxury items or other non adventuring related goods and services the coins will return themselves to the Kickstar. Once the money has been spent properly though it lose it's enchantment and become ordinary gold pieces.

Chambers
2012-06-22, 10:50 PM
It's Not a Rod of Wonder, It's Fark.Com
This sturdy iron rod is lightweight and easy to carry. While the wielder holds the rod he or she gains a +5 insight bonus to Bluff and Sense Motive. The wielder may use the spell Calm Animals at will, though the spell only affects cats.

The rod also bypasses the regeneration of trolls when used as a weapon and counts as a +5 Heavy Mace.

/Ugly-ass baby animals may also be affected

GoblinArchmage
2012-06-24, 12:39 AM
Orb of Trope: A crystal ball that may grant all the knowledge that ever was directly into the mind of it's wielder. None of this knowledge is particularly useful or relevant, and usually only serves to kill time. The Orb itself is sentient and can talk.

Warning: Giants are known to attack those they see wielding the orb. The orb will always provoke giants to attack.


The orb is also cursed - new rules of using it are added every day until they turn into too convoluded mess for the Orb to be of any use. And trying to complain to the Orb about it will make it tell you you're rude and ignore you.

Yeah, I'm not a fan of current tvtropes policy.

The original creator of the Orb was a famously incompetent Wizard named Edward the Quick. The Orb became an object of worship for pseudointellectuals the world over, and some of these individuals formed a cabal with the intention of worshipping its inane knowledge.

Due to the cabal's philosophy against "negativity," it became a rather popular organization among pedophiles, as Edward's inner circle banished any who spoke out against these new followers of the Orb. This led to a schism in the order, where one group argued that the Orb should contain detailed descriptions of low quality erotic pictures and another argued the opposite. In the resulting conflict, the Orb disappeared.