View Full Version : GITP Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup - Season II [Matches, Standings, and Schedule]

2012-10-22, 11:50 AM
GITP Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup - Season II

This thread is where you will see results, leaders, upcoming matches, and highlights. Think of it as our own little Spike! Magazine. When highlights get posted, you will recieve a PM directing you here. Feel free to add trash-talk, boasting, and all manner of Blood Bowl talk here.

If you're looking to manage players or make changes to your team, you want the Team Management Thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=14092513).

Blood Bowl Rulebook can be found Here (http://www.games-workshop.com/MEDIA_CustomProductCatalog/m750496a_BB_Competition_Rules_Pack.pdf).

The Cup Final Is Over!

Fantasy Blood Bowl Season 2 Final! Rivermen vs. Heroes Play-By-Play

Fantasy Blood Bowl Season 2 Final! Rivermen vs. Heroes Play-By-Play

http://imageshack.us/a/img651/1405/1introductions.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/651/1introductions.png/)

Welcome Blood Bowl fans to the second Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup! Our two finalists have taken to the pitch, and this match promises to be a really knock-down drag-out. The Styx Rivermen, coming off of an impressive first season, have returned with another strong season, culminating in today's match. Tomb Guardian Bull the Butcher, and Thro-ra Tom Gravy have done a magnificent job getting their team to this point, but can they finish the season strong? The Rivermen have only given up eight touchdowns all season with Bull on the field, meaning today's match promises to be quite rough on the opposing offense. Facing the Rivermen, we have the cinderella Hellbug's Heroes. Left for dead after the first half of the season, the Heroes have put together a strong second half, with the help of a few other teams to get into the playoffs. But that is old news. Since their playoff birth, the Heroes have soundly defeated two heavily-favored opponents, The Fancy Lads, and Red Sabres, to earn this match. Can these giant-killers pull off a third upset in a row to claim the cup? We shall see. The coin is up, and the Rivermen have won the toss. The Rivermen have elcted to receive.

The ball is up, and Tom Gravy has the ball. Gravy moving forward, is angling to his left, Varg and Hatchet are coming up to support, two skeletons arrive to form up the cage.

http://imageshack.us/a/img339/2382/2gravycage.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/339/2gravycage.png/)

The Heroes are moving to intercept, they're exploiting the gap left by Hatchet, and are wrapping around the center-field portion of the cage. There is a huge gap in front of Gravy, but the Heroes are within grabbing distance. Gravy dodges free! He's sprinting up the sideline!

http://imageshack.us/a/img842/4796/3gravybreaks.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/842/3gravybreaks.png/)

The Rivermen position themselves in Gravy's wake, and the Heroes are having trouble getting through to him. They're surrounding Bull the Butcher to try and punch a hole through center-pitch. Beastman Manny blitzes, makes the hit, and Bull is down! Uh-oh, it looks like Bull is K.O.'d. The Heroes are pouring through the gap, but it's too late, Gravy is in! The Rivermen have just taken a one-zero lead in the match!

http://imageshack.us/a/img805/4625/4gravytdceleb.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/805/4gravytdceleb.png/)

As Tom celebrates the first touchdown of the match, the Heroes prepare for the ensuing kickoff. The Rivermen are lining up, and the Heroes are set. The kick is up, and beastman Flush has the ball. Flush moves to his right, and is looking for support. Stephan the Slicer lands a block on mercenary Chaos Warrior Khir, and he's out. Flush is looking isolated, but help is on the way.

http://imageshack.us/a/img405/8159/5flushdrives.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/405/5flushdrives.png/)

The Heroes try to move to support Flush, but the Rivermen have them marked to a man. The teams are strewn across the field in small-scale skirmishes, and Flush is looking lost. Stephan the Slicer is looking to make another block, he's got Brunbob in his sights. The hit...and Brunbob is down. The team physicians cart him off the field.

http://imageshack.us/a/img541/3247/6stephandropsbrunbob.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/541/6stephandropsbrunbob.png/)

Varg the Ventilator closes on the Flush. There are no Heroes in sight to come to his rescue. Flush attempts to evade, fakes left, Varg isn't fooled, Flush goes right- POW! Clotheslined! The ball pops loose!

http://imageshack.us/a/img35/2260/7flushfailsdodge.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/35/7flushfailsdodge.png/)

Both teams scramble for the loose ball, but the whistle sounds. That's the end of the half.

After the halftime festivities, featuring a guest appearance by the Nibelungs, the teams are lined up once again, and the Heroes are ready to receive to start the second half. Once again, the kick is up, and it bounces to a resting place at the feet of Minotaur Duke Dangerous. Flush runs over and scoops up the ball to begin the drive.

http://imageshack.us/a/img801/9122/8flushreceiveskickoff.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/801/8flushreceiveskickoff.png/)

Flush tucks the ball, and it moving up mid-pitch. A bold strategy. His teammates are coming to support, but the Rivermen line is collapsing around the Heroes' cage. The cage is surrounded and the Heroes are dropping one-by-one! Flush is isolated. Here comes Pickaxe Fistinface, and BOOM! Flush is down, the ball is free!

http://imageshack.us/a/img850/2517/9flushstoppedinscrum.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/850/9flushstoppedinscrum.png/)

The ball bounces free and nobody can get a hand on it. On the line, Ned the Annihilator is down, Adam Mcgillis is going for a foul! He drops the elbow, and the ref spots it! Mcgillis is ejected. The Heroes are furious, the fans are furious! The pitch and stands erupt in anger.

http://imageshack.us/a/img812/1972/10mcgillisejected.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/812/10mcgillisejected.png/)

As the toxic gas clears, the match is back under control. As the scrum at midfield drifts to follow the bouncing ball, the Rivermen clear a space around the ball. Tom Gravy is moving in to scoop it up. He bobbles it! But brings it back under control with his famously sure hands.

http://imageshack.us/a/img689/1003/11gravyrecovers.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/689/11gravyrecovers.png/)

Gravy tries to break free, but Orgetorix and Duke Dangerous are there to intercept. Things aren't looking good for Gravy, but here comes Rooster Wilcox to support- and- oh my goodness! Instead of going for the block on Orgetorix, Wilcox is attempting to take down the Duke. He uppercuts, and the minotaur is down! Gravy sees his window, dodges to the left, Orgetorix can't get a hand on him and Gravy is free. He's running downhill...and he's in! The Rivermen go up two-zero, all but assuring victory!

http://imageshack.us/a/img839/8187/12gravytakesin2nd.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/839/12gravytakesin2nd.png/)

After a brief celebration, the ref reminds the Rivermen that we still have some game to go. The Heroes line up, and Flush prepares to receive once more. The kick is up, and Flush has the ball. The Rivermen are pushing, Pickaxe Fistinface breaks into the backfield and is closing in...and Flush takes a knee. The match is over!

http://imageshack.us/a/img689/6376/13pickaxeclosestofinish.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/689/13pickaxeclosestofinish.png/)

After a disappointing playoff run last season, the Styx Rivermen have returned to claim this GitP Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup in their second season. The Rivermen are swarming team owner Crow, and the champagne is flowing. The Heroes are leaving the field, and despite the heartbreak, know that they have accomplished no mean feat in getting this far. Congratulations Styx Rivermen, you are the Seaon 2 Cup Champions!

Hail To The Champions of Season 2!

http://imageshack.us/a/img43/3915/styxteamphoto.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/43/styxteamphoto.png/)
The victorious champs! In their Season 2 Pre-Cup Photoshoot.

Hail To The Champions of Season 2!

http://imageshack.us/a/img221/1419/styxheroesfinal.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/221/styxheroesfinal.png/)

Drive Chart
http://imageshack.us/a/img22/9007/styxheroesdrivechart.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/22/styxheroesdrivechart.png/)

Styx Rivermen Match Statistics
http://imageshack.us/a/img35/7379/styxstats.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/35/styxstats.png/)

Hellbug's Heroes Match Statistics
http://imageshack.us/a/img502/2580/herostats.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/502/herostats.png/)

Styx Rivermen SPP/Injury Report

3|Stephan the Slicer|2|n/a|

9|Oscar Meyer|5| n/a |

12|Tom Gravy|6|n/a|


Hellbug's Heroes SPP/Injury Report

1|Ajax|5| n/a |

5|Brunbob|0| Fractured Skull (-1 AV) |


Styx Rivermen Winnings: $150,000, +1 Factor
Hellbug's Heroes Winnings: $70,000, -1 Factor

The Styx Rivermen take home the GitP Fantasy BloodBowl Cup, granting +1 Team Rerolls (added to team value as normal) for as long as they defend their championship.

http://imageshack.us/a/img402/368/fantasycup.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/402/fantasycup.png/)

2012-10-22, 11:51 AM
Division A Standings

{table=head]Rank|Team|Team Value|Wins|Losses|Draws|Div. Record|Streak|Points

1|Styx Rivermen|1760|8|1|3|5-0-1|D1|32

2|Tinwë United|1450|5|5|2|3-1-2|L1|20

3|Patched Plagues|1460|5|6|1|3-2-1|W2|19

4|Die Valkyrie|1440|5|6|1|2-3-1|L1|18

5|Iron Giants|1330 (1380)|4|7|1|2-3-1|W1|15

6|Green IS Your Enemy!|1360|4|7|1|2-4-0|L1|15

7|MAIM KILL BURN|1260 (1320)|2|9|1|1-5-0|D1|8


Division B Standings

{table=head]Rank|Team|Team Value|Wins|Losses|Draws|Div. Record|Streak|Points

1|The Fancy Lads|1640|10|1|1|4-0-1|W7|35

2|Red Sabres|1850|6|5|1|3-1-1|L2|22


4|Hellbug's Heroes|1560|5|6|1|2-3-0|W2|18

5|The Johnnys' Quest|1740|4|5|3|1-3-1|D1|16



League Leaders
(Big thanks to Aedilred, who compiles and formats all this!)

In the final clash, Tom Gravy was the Rivermen's hero as he led them to victory, and the cup, rushing 64 yards to score two touchdowns. This means he finishes the season as joint-leading scorer with Tirnen Thirgail, and passes Sessrumnir as the league's leading rusher. He also now holds the record for most career SPPs, although he remains second in this season's tally.

There were few fireworks elsewhere, with Bull the Butcher failing to add to his season tally of KOs or casualties, although both Vercingetorix and Stephan the Slicer moved up a place.

Since the season is over, there's a bumper crop of stats this week. First up are the regular league leaders, including the final results. Then we have the top players from the post-season, followed by the all-time records at the close of Season II, and the single-season records. Some of these are held by rookies, but the rookie record is noted separately where not.

Players marked with an asterisk in the first set of tables played in the All-Stars match in Week 8.

Season II Final Records

1|Morr E.N. Tezz*|Red Sabres|61
2|Tom Gravy*|Styx Rivermen|58
3|Tirnen Thirgail*|Tinwë United |55
4|Lupus “Patches”*|Patched Plagues|54
=5|W. Tell*|The Fancy Lads|49
=5|Bull the Butcher*|Styx Rivermen|49
7|Elvish Blackbeard*|BEERd|45
8|Danforth*|The Fancy Lads|40
9|Göndul*|Die Valkyrie|36


=1|Tirnen Thirgail*| Tinwë United|17
=1|Tom Gravy*|Styx Rivermen|17
3|Lupus “Patches”*|Patched Plagues|16
4|Morr E.N. Tezz*|Red Sabres|10
5|W. Tell*|The Fancy Lads|9
=6|Benediction Johnson|The Johnnys' Quest|8
=8|Danforth*|The Fancy Lads|7
=8|Fry “John” Cook|The Johnnys' Quest|7
=8|Brunbob*|Hellbug's Heroes|7
=8|Elvish Blackbeard*|BEERd|7


1|Göndul*|Die Valkyrie|12
2|Dijon “Crazy” Bone|The Johnnys' Quest|10
3|Ingorian Windglaive| Tinwë United|8
4|Fernand O.E. Arrow|Red Sabres|6
=5|Action Johnny|The Johnnys' Quest|2
=5|Ortossi Uialyf|Tinwë United|2
=5|Johnny “Flamenco” Walker|The Johnnys' Quest|2
=5|Johnny 5-Shots*|The Johnnys' Quest|2
=5|W. Tell*|The Fancy Lads|2
=10|(16 others)|Various|1

1|Bull the Butcher*| Styx Rivermen|21
2|Stephan the Slicer|Styx Rivermen|8
3|Seb Sha Bal*|Red Sabres|7
4|Hildr|Die Valkyrie|6
=5|**** the Destroyer*|Styx Rivermen|5
=5|John Green*|The Johnnys' Quest|5
=9|Tavros “Argy”|Patched Plagues|4
=9|George “Grafts”*|Patched Plagues|4
=9|Pickaxe Fistinface*|Styx Rivermen|4
=9|Lucille|The Fancy Lads|4
=9|Artemis|The Fancy Lads|4
=9|Frederick|The Fancy Lads|4
=9|Ajax|Hellbug's Heroes|4
=9|Fredo D. Stefani*|Red Sabres|4
=9|Manny|Hellbug's Heroes|4

1|George “Grafts”*|Patched Plagues|3
2|John Green*|The Johnnys' Quest|2
=3|Lupus “Patches”*|Patched Plagues|1
=3|S. “Fab” Rickas|Red Sabres|1
=3|Long John Hardrock|Styx Rivermen|1
=3|Bones McCoy|Styx Rivermen|1
=3|Lycan “Claws”|Patched Plagues|1
=3|Herfjötur|Die Valkyrie|1
=3|Raksouth|Maim Kill Burn|1
=3|Hildr|Die Valkyrie|1
=3|Orgeterix|Hellbug's Heroes|1
=3|Manny|Hellbug's Heroes|1
=3|Duke Dangerous|Hellbug's Heroes|1
=3|Big Richard|Styx Rivermen|1
=3|Max Saravia*|Iron Giants|1
=3|Ajax|Hellbug's Heroes|1
=3|Palidos Samôn| Tinwë United|1

1|Bull the Butcher*|Styx Rivermen|10
2|Orgeterix|Hellbug's Heroes|8
=3|Vercingetorix*|Hellbug's Heroes|6
=3|Lucille|The Fancy Lads|6
=5|Uthanak*|Green IS Your Enemy|5
=5|Fredo D. Stefani*|Red Sabres|5
=5|John Green*|The Johnnys' Quest|5
=5|Ajax|Hellbug's Heroes|5
=5|Stephan the Slicer|Styx Rivermen|5
=5|Clayton Zucco|Iron Giants|5

=1|Max Saravia*|Iron Giants|1
=1|Hugh Menz|Iron Giants|1

Rushing Yards:
1|Lupus “Patches”*| Patched Plagues|830
2|Tom Gravy*| Styx Rivermen|768
3|W. Tell*|The Fancy Lads|510
5|Göndul*|Die Valkyrie|418
6|Elvish Blackbeard*|BEERd|410
7|Kaldsorfan the Unstoppable*|Maim Kill Burn|354
=8|Morr E.N. Tezz*|Red Sabres|346
=8|De'Zicrah|Green IS Your Enemy|342
10|Tirnen Thirgail*|Tinwë United|280

Leaders – Post-Season Only

1|Tom Gravy|Styx Rivermen|15
2|Bull the Butcher|Styx Rivermen|13
3|Morr E.N. Tezz|Red Sabres|10
4|Tirnen Thirgail|Tinwë United |9
=5|Tim T-Bone|Styx Rivermen|8
=5|Thelonius Magnum|Hellbug's Heroes|8

1|Tom Gravy|Styx Rivermen|5
2|Tirnen Thirgail| Tinwë United|3
3|Manny|Hellbug's Heroes|2

=1|Dijon “Crazy” Bone|The Johnnys' Quest|2
=1|Ingorian Windglaive| Tinwë United|2
=3|Göndul|Die Valkyrie|1
=3|Fernand O.E. Arrow|Red Sabres|1

1|Bull the Butcher| Styx Rivermen|4
2|Seb Sha Bal*|Red Sabres|3
=3|Stephan the Slicer|Styx Rivermen|2
=3|Manny|Hellbug's Heroes|2

=1|Ajax|Hellbug's Heroes|1
=1|Palidos Samôn| Tinwë United|1

1|Rowe Oulle|Red Sabres|3
=2|Mal D. Nie|Red Sabres|2

Rushing Yards:
1|Tom Gravy*| Styx Rivermen|236
3|Manny|Hellbug's Heroes|48
4|Lupus “Patches|Patched Plagues|46
5|Tirnen Thirgail| Tinwë United|38

All-Time Records (at final of Season II)

1|Tom Gravy|Thro-Ra|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II|I-II|95
2|Morr E.N. Tezz|Catcher|Red Sabres, All-Stars II|I-II|90
3|Bull the Butcher|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I and II|I-II|85
4|Sessrumnir|Thrower|Rampage!, All-Stars I and II|I-II|66
5|Niflheimr|Catcher|Rampage!, All-Stars II|I|60

1|Tom Gravy|Thro-Ra|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II|I-II|27
2|Sessrumnir|Thrower|Rampage!, All-Stars I and II|I-II|20
3|Tirnen Thirgail|Catcher| Tinwë United, All-Stars II|II|17
=4|Morr E.N. Tezz|Catcher|Red Sabres, All-Stars II|I-II|16
=4|Lupus “Patches”|Werewolf|Patched Plagues, All-Stars II|II|16
=6|F.A.S.T. Gonzalo|Gutter Runner|Stinky Feets, All-Stars I|I|11
=6|W. Tell|Thrower|The Fancy Lads, All-Stars II|I-II|11
8|“Itchy” Feet|Catcher|The Trees, The Johnnys' Quest|I|10
9|Niflheimr|Catcher|Rampage!, All-Stars II|I-II|9
=10|Benediction Johnson|Catcher|The Johnnys' Quest|II|8
=10|Danforth|Blitzer|The Fancy Lads, All-Stars II|I-II|8

1|Arms|Thrower|The Trees, All-Stars I|I|13
2|Göndul| Thrower|Die Valkyrie, All-Stars II|II|12
3|Dijon “Crazy” Bone|Thrower|The Johnnys' Quest|II|10
4|Fernand O.E. Arrow|Thrower|Red Sabres|I-II|9
5|Ingorian Windglaive|Thrower| Tinwë United|II|8


1|Bull the Butcher|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I and II|I-II|33
2|Fredo D. Stefani|Blitzer|Red Sabres, All-Stars I and II|I-II|16
=3|Mike the Mauler|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen|I|10
=3|**** the Destroyer|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II|I-II|10
=5|Long John Hardrock|Skeleton|Styx Rivermen|I-II|8
=5|Stephan the Slicer|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen|II|8

1|George “Grafts”|Flesh Golem|Patched Plagues, All-Stars II|II|3
=2|Mike the Mauler|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen|I|2
=2|Long John Hardrock|Skeleton|Styx Rivermen|I-II|2
=2|John Green|Treeman|The Johnnys' Quest, All-Stars II|II|2

=1|Bull the Butcher|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I and II|I-II|13
=1|Ned the Annihilator|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I|I|13
3|Pickaxe Fistinface|Blitz-Ra|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II|I-II|9
=4|**** the Destroyer|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II|I-II|8
=4|Hatchet Footingroin|Blitz-Ra|Styx Rivermen|I-II|8
=4|Orgeterix|Chaos Warrior|Hellbug's Heroes|II|8

=1|Max Saravia|Lineman|Iron Giants, All-Stars II|II|1
=1|Hugh Menz|Lineman|Iron Giants|II|1

Rushing Yards:
1|Tom Gravy|Thro-Ra|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars II|I-II|1126
2|Sessrumnir|Thrower|Rampage!, All-Stars I and II|I-II|1100
3|Lupus “Patches”|Werewolf|Patched Plagues, All-Stars II|II|830
3|W. Tell|Thrower|Thrower|The Fancy Lads, All-Stars II|I-II|766
4|Morr E.N. Tezz|Catcher|Red Sabres, All-Stars II|I-II|506
5|GGGrrrrrr|Werewolf|Shambling Horde, All-Stars I|I|500
6|Fernand O.E. Arrow|Thrower|Red Sabres|I-II|490
7|Göndul| Thrower|Die Valkyrie, All-Stars II|II|418
8|Elvish Blackbeard|Runner|BEERd, All-Stars II|II|410
9|Quicky|Pogoer|Da Gabooms, All-Stars I|I|400
10|Kaldsorfan the Unstoppable|Bloodletter|Maim Kill Burn, All-Stars II|II|354

Single-Season Records (including rookie record where different):

Morr E.N. Tezz|Red Sabres|61|II
(Rookie) Tirnen Thirgail|Tinwe United|55|II

Tom Gravy|Styx Rivermen|17|II
(Rookie) Tirnen Thirgail|Tinwe United|17|II

Arms|The Trees|13|I

Bull the Butcher|Styx Rivermen|21|II
(Rookie) Bull the Butcher|Styx Rivermen|12|I
(Rookie) Fredo D. Stefani|Red Sabres|12|I

Bull the Butcher|Styx Rivermen|10|II
(Rookie) Ned the Annihilator|Styx Rivermen|9|I

George “Grafts”|Patched Plagues|3|II

Max Saravia|Iron Giants|1|II
Hugh MenzIron Giants|1|II

Rushing Yards:
Lupus “Patches”|Patched Plagues|830|II

2012-10-22, 11:53 AM
Regular Season Schedule and Results
Now with Calender Girls, courtesy Die Valkyrja!

Week 1:
http://imageshack.us/a/img29/8995/theamazonbyhardbodies.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/29/theamazonbyhardbodies.jpg/)


Rampage! |2-1| Patched Plagues

Styx Rivermen |2-1| Die Valkyrie

Tinwë United |1-1| Iron Giants

Green IS Your Enemy! |0-1| BEERd

The Johnnys' Quest |2-0| Hellbug's Heroes

Red Sabres |0-2| The Fancy Lads



Week 2:
http://imageshack.us/a/img268/8959/stockamazonwarrior5byre.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/268/stockamazonwarrior5byre.jpg/)


Styx Rivermen |1-0| Rampage!

Tinwë United |2-1| Patched Plagues

Green IS Your Enemy! |2-1| Die Valkyrie

The Johnnys' Quest |3-2| Iron Giants

Red Sabres |2-0| BEERd

MAIM KILL BURN |1-2|Hellbug's Heroes

The Fancy Lads |-| -BYE WEEK-

Week 3:
http://imageshack.us/a/img339/9306/amazonwarriorbyjanellab.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/339/amazonwarriorbyjanellab.jpg/)


Tinwë United |0-2| Styx Rivermen

Green IS Your Enemy! |2-0| Rampage!

The Johnnys' Quest |3-2| Patched Plagues

Red Sabres |0-1| Die Valkyrie

MAIM KILL BURN |2-1| Iron Giants

The Fancy Lads |2-0| BEERd

Hellbug's Heroes |-| -BYE WEEK-

Week 4:
http://imageshack.us/a/img547/3259/tumblrl7azh3qwar1qzdvhi.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/547/tumblrl7azh3qwar1qzdvhi.jpg/)


Green IS Your Enemy! |0-2| Tinwë United

The Johnnys' Quest |1-3| Styx Rivermen

Red Sabres |1-1| Rampage!

MAIM KILL BURN |1-2| Patched Plagues

The Fancy Lads |3-1| Die Valkyrie

Hellbug's Heroes |1-2| Iron Giants


Week 5:
http://imageshack.us/a/img689/5633/theamazon6793.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/689/theamazon6793.jpg/)


The Johnnys' Quest |2-2| Green IS Your Enemy!

Red Sabres |2-1| Tinwë United

MAIM KILL BURN |0-2| Styx Rivermen

The Fancy Lads |1-1| Rampage!

Hellbug's Heroes |1-3| Patched Plagues

BEERd |1-2| Die Valkyrie

Iron Giants |-| -BYE WEEK-

Week 6:
http://imageshack.us/a/img694/2814/tumblrm35d15d2xl1qls45b.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/694/tumblrm35d15d2xl1qls45b.jpg/)


Red Sabres |4-2| The Johnnys' Quest

MAIM KILL BURN |0-2| Green IS Your Enemy!

The Fancy Lads |1-2| Tinwë United

Hellbug's Heroes |1-1| Styx Rivermen

BEERd |1-2| Rampage!

Iron Giants |2-1| Patched Plagues

Die Valkyrie |-| -BYE WEEK-

Week 7:
http://imageshack.us/a/img705/4489/fp551028.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/705/fp551028.jpg/)


MAIM KILL BURN |1-0| Red Sabres

The Fancy Lads |2-1| The Johnnys' Quest

Hellbug's Heroes |2-0| Green IS Your Enemy!

BEERd |3-1| Tinwë United

Iron Giants |1-2| Styx Rivermen

Die Valkyrie |1-2| Rampage!

Patched Plagues |-| -BYE WEEK-

All-Star Week:
http://imageshack.us/a/img803/4145/nibelungs1.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/803/nibelungs1.jpg/)
The Nibelungs


Division A All-Stars |4-2| Division B All-Stars


Week 9:
http://imageshack.us/a/img812/9619/amazonwomanbyllprudence.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/812/amazonwomanbyllprudence.jpg/)


The Fancy Lads |2-1| MAIM KILL BURN

Hellbug's Heroes |0-2| Red Sabres

BEERd |2-2| The Johnnys' Quest

Iron Giants |2-1| Green IS Your Enemy!

Die Valkyrie |2-2| Tinwë United

Patched Plagues |2-2| Styx Rivermen

Rampage! |-| -BYE WEEK-

Week 10:
http://imageshack.us/a/img818/6711/37221183.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/818/37221183.jpg/)


Hellbug's Heroes |1-2| The Fancy Lads


Iron Giants |0-2| Red Sabres

Die Valkyrie |1-3| The Johnnys' Quest

Patched Plagues |2-0| Green IS Your Enemy!

Rampage! |3-1| Tinwë United

Styx Rivermen |-| -BYE WEEK-

Week 11:
http://imageshack.us/a/img833/540/ariagiovanniamazonwarri.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/833/ariagiovanniamazonwarri.jpg/)


BEERd |0-1| Hellbug's Heroes

Iron Giants |0-1| The Fancy Lads

Die Valkyrie |2-0| MAIM KILL BURN

Patched Plagues |1-3| Red Sabres

Rampage! |4-1| The Johnnys' Quest

Styx Rivermen |2-0| Green IS Your Enemy!

Tinwë United |-| -BYE WEEK-

Week 12:
http://imageshack.us/a/img839/2724/amazon612x253.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/839/amazon612x253.jpg/)


Iron Giants |0-2| BEERd

Die Valkyrie |3-0| Hellbug's Heroes

Patched Plagues |1-3| The Fancy Lads

Rampage! |3-0| MAIM KILL BURN

Styx Rivermen |2-0| Red Sabres

Tinwë United |4-2| The Johnnys' Quest

Green IS Your Enemy! |-| -BYE WEEK-

Week 13:
Week 13 Girl Removed In Memorium Of Lost Amazons. Sorry Boys.


Die Valkyrie |2-0| Iron Giants

Patched Plagues |2-1| BEERd

Rampage! |0-3| Hellbug's Heroes

Styx Rivermen |1-3| The Fancy Lads

Tinwë United |3-1| MAIM KILL BURN

Green IS Your Enemy! |1-0| Red Sabres

The Johnnys' Quest |-| -BYE WEEK-

Week 14:
http://imageshack.us/a/img844/7929/nibelungs2.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/844/nibelungs2.jpg/)
The Nibelungs


Patched Plagues |2-1| Die Valkyrie

Rampage! |0-3| Iron Giants

Styx Rivermen |1-1| BEERd

Tinwë United |0-2| Hellbug's Heroes

Green IS Your Enemy! |0-3| The Fancy Lads

The Johnnys' Quest |1-1| MAIM KILL BURN

Red Sabres |-| -BYE WEEK-

Playoff Schedule and Results

Playoff Quarter-Finals:


1| Styx Rivermen |2-1| Die Valkyrie

2| Tinwë United |3-1| Patched Plagues

3| The Fancy Lads |0-2| Hellbug's Heroes

4| Red Sabres |2-1| Rampage!


{table=head]The Crud Cup!|-|-
BEERd |1-2| The Johnnys' Quest


Playoff Semi-Finals:


1| Styx Rivermen |2-1| Tinwë United

2| Red Sabres |0-1| Hellbug's Heroes


GITP Fantasy Blood Bowl Final:


Styx Rivermen |2-0| Hellbug's Heroes


Oh My God
2012-10-24, 11:48 AM

MVP Discussion - Dan and Casey's Picks

Most Valuable Player: Göndul. End of story. She's just an amazing Valkyrie. Flat out amazing. Without her, the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants would be doomed. They'd be sitting at the bottom of the rankings with MAIM KILL BURN and the Iron Giants. This isn't just her play on the pitch, either. As the heart and soul of her team, she's helped her fellow non-fellows get through the hardships and emotional rollercoaster that is the sport of professional Blood Bowl.

Offensive Player of the Year: Morr E.N. Tezz. Can you believe this guy? Spryer than an elf, and cockier to boot. This guy is a real class act. While we're surprised he didn't clean up in the rain this last week, one dropped stitch does not a disaster make. We wouldn't be surprised if he secured a second notch in his belt this year at the Big Game.

Defensive Player of the Year: No real surprise here. Bull the Butcher has returned for a second season of carnage. How bloody, you ask? As of this writing, the A.S.B. has him listed as causing more than the next three spots on the list combined. Good grief. The other team can't score if they're not on the pitch, and with Bull around, they won't be.

Offensive Rookie of the Year: How do you win the game? You score touchdowns. And no one's done that better with a worse team than Tirnen "Top" Thirgail. Currently standing at the top of the Touchdown chart, and the leading rookie with SPP, Tirnen has put up some really impressive numbers this season. But even more than that he's done something that no one else has done in the history of the League; scored four touchdowns in a single match. And this wasn't against some gormless team, sitting its stars. Goodness no. Top Tirnen run these record setting touchdowns in against the ace Johnnies who were fortified by the presence of a dreaded Riverman. Short version? Tinwë United is going to the playoffs for one reason. This guy.

Defensive Rookie of the Year: We wish we could give the nod to the Iron Giants Max Saravia for his game changing interception from early in the season, but unfortunately... he's followed a training regime which will consign the poor fellow to the dustbin of history. Dirty Player has fallen far in its usability since the days of classic Get the Ref! and massive bonuses on damage. Beyond that, the players never seem to know quite when to stick the boot in as they pass up golden chances to foul excellent targets about as often as they jam up rookies and get ejected without causing an injury. And then there's the ever odious +1 AV. We're hoping this guy gets cut from the Giants' roster next year.

Who's getting it, you ask? George "Grafts" of the Patched Plagues. This guy is a beast, and he's only going to get better next season. He's the lynchpin to the defensive line of the Plagues. When you consider that the -rest- of the line are zombies with such auspicious names as "Fodder" and... well, "Fodder", you know that this guy and his slightly less impressive brother Frank are the ones doing the really heavy lifting.

Week 1:
" Hello, and I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell."

" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by Madcap Energy Drinks. When you absolutely, positively have to get pumped up."

" Now before we begin coverage of this season's first weekend of regular play, we'd like to welcome a new addition to the SportsNight family. When we'd heard he had been cut from the Red Sabers, we couldn't let the opportunity pass us by. May I introduce our newest Blood Bowl correspondent, Joe Nar Law Muu!"

" Yur! "

" Glad to have you aboard, Joe."

" Yur! "

" Now the season opener is relative newcomers Patched Plagues up against the fearsome might of Rampage! What's so scary about them, you ask?"

" No one asked that, Casey."

" Shut your filthy pie hole, Dan. They're so scary because no less than three of their players have Mighty Blows. And if the Plagues think they've got an edge in the arena of Werewolves, they're in for a surprise. #10 Lyngvi of the Rampage! is set to carve a bloody swath through his cousins on the other side. Don't you agree, Joe?"

" Dey's gonna smash! "

" Someone seems to be a fan. Moving on. The Division A Champs are in for a rough game the first week."

" Really, Dan? Why do you say that?"

" Not one player has tackle, and their opponents are the fearsome Die Valkyrie. Having your entire team be able to dodge is a hell of an edge, Casey. Not to mention the fact that they spent their off-season in training. I don't know what skeletons do at the beach, and I don't think I want to know, either."

" They probably just missed the desert, Dan. What do you think, Joe?"

" Dey's gonna smash!"

" Right! Moving on to the Tinwë United versus Iron Giants match, we must first make a full disclosure. Tinwë United is a major sponser of this program. Dan and I'll try to prevent this from affecting our judgements. So, what do you say, Dan?"

" Oh, gods. The Iron Giants are going to absolutely wreck Tinwë United. The elves don't stand a chance. "

" Why's that, Dan?"

" They're elves. Note the lack of a 'wood', a 'dark', or a 'high' in front of that word. You know how teams that call themselves High Elves are all active in their nation's military, Casey?"

" Of course Dan. That's where they get their effective armor and helmets from. Stylish, to boot!"

" Riiiiight. Well, the so-called 'Pro' Elves are just a bunch of upper crust twits who probably think they're headed out for a nice game of cricket. They're doomed."

" Careful there, Dan. They -are- one of our sponsors."

" The day one of those blue bloods spends an evening in a pub watching CABALVISION is the day I eat my hat, Killer."

" You don't have a hat, Dan."

" It's a turn of phrase, Casey. What do you think Joe? Do you think Tinwë has a shot?"

" Dey's gonna smash!"

" Next up is Green IS Your Enemy versus the formidible might of BEERd. The real question in this match is whether picking up the Fancy Lad's Leslie, Heathecliffe and Norbert will help them out against the solid wall of Block that is any Dwarf team."

" If that's the question, then the answer is 'not really' Casey. They invested in the tree veteran players for their growth potential. Its clear Heathcliffe and Norbert are both just waiting to shine."

" And Leslie? "

" Never hurts to have a zogging big Ork on your side, Casey! "

" Joe? "

" Dey's gonna smash! "

" MAIM KILL BURN has the first week off. Rumour has it that they're going to spend it.. it says here 'sacking, pillaging, sacking'. Why do you reckon it says sacking twice, Dan? "

" Because children watch this show, Killer."

" But the violence? And the profanity? And the violence?"

" And one mention of anything involving the s-word and we're off the air. You know how the Imperial Censors can be. One wrong move and *zip* off to be tortured and burned."

" ... and we're running out of time. Johnny's Quest is up against Hellbug's Heroes. Which stands tall, supreme agility or smashing blows?"

" The Quest'll take the game, but they'll have... two or three serious injuries to deal with afterwards. They really should have spent the off-season training."

" Joe? Anything salient to add? "

" Dey's gonna smash!"

" And last but certainly not least, a rematch of two of last year's favorite teams. This one really could go either way Dan."

" You know it, Killer. It really will come down to which team wants it more."

" And what do you think, Joe? "

" Da Sabres, dey gonna smash hard. Wot were you finkingg? Smash hard!"

" There you have it folks. I'm Casey " Killer" McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell."

" This was SportsNight. Smash hard."

Week 2:

" Hello! I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell."

" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by Gorkamork Gogurt. The green yogurt that tastes so good it'll make your head explode!"

" In a quick recap of last week; some games were played. No one died. There weren't any huge upsets. And I got one of the production assistants phone numbers after last weeks show."

" ... that was a Black Ork in drag, Dan."

" ... moving on, we take a quick look at some of the games coming up in this week."

" First off are the Styx Rivermen facing off against Rampages!. Both teams are looking to hold on to the momentum they picked up in week one. Dan?"

" An interesting rematch from last season. I think the one thing that anyone can say for certain is that its going to be a real blood bath."

" Skeletons don't have blood, Dan."

" Too true Casey. Any suggestion, Joe?"

" Smash bash!"

" Splendid. Ever the wordsmith, Joe."

" With their impressive demonstration of passing skills last week, Tinwë United is looking for a win against the Patched Plague by trying to aim for their own players this time."

" Tinwë actually has a shot at this one. Sure, the werewolves -seem- scary, but their claws aren't any more dangerous to the poorly protected elves than a punch from a halfling."

" A halfling would actually pose more of a threat, Dan. Hitting low, if you will."

" Yikes. This one hinges on the special training the coach of United has one of his players undertaking; if the right man winds up passing, the game should go brilliantly for the agile elves."

" And if their daft catcher keeps trying to throw to himself, they'll wind up six feet under."

" A little bit of undead humor there."

" Hur hur hur hur! "

" With the Fancy Lads having this week as a bye, Dan's only chance for catching any sight of pretty Black Orks will be the team Green IS your enemy! facing off against Die Valkyrie. Personally, I'm still shocked the lovely ladies of the Amazon didn't pull off a big upset against the Rivermen last week. Look for them to start gaining steam here in week two."

" I like the Orcs in this particular confrontation. The layout of your typical Orc squad is solid any way you slice it. Its hard to go wrong. "

" Typical is right, Casey. And given that you keep mistaking Black Orks for ladies, you obviously have a firm grasp on the atypical. So you'll have to agree, what could be more atypical than a team of athletic women, eh? Eh?"



" And.. we are having some magical difficulties. The wizard on location with Joe seems to have been knocked unconscious by the enraged ogre. Hopefully, someone remembered to bring the smelling salts and we'll have their CABALVISION connection back up shortly."

" While we're waiting for him to come back around, lets talk about the Iron Giants and the Johnny's Quest."

" Yes, lets!"

" So, do you think that Johnny's Quest can keep its run going up to two wins consecutive, Casey?"

" Let me answer your question with a question. Can the Giants continue their elf styming trend in to week two, Dan? "

" It'll be rough. Two wardancers is bad enough, but that Treeman John Green is going to make it difficult for the Giants to hold the center of the pitch. "

" That it will be. Next up is the defending champs, the Red Sabres facing off against the charmingly named BEERd."

" The most interesting game of the week is right here, folks. The Sabres have veteran players, an excellent coach, and the cachet of championship."

" Never say cachet again, Dan."

" On the other hand, BEERd has a squad of deranged alcoholics with Napolean complexes that combine to the size of the Cold Lands."

" Oddly enough, who wins the coin toss will matter a lot on this one."

" Why's that, Casey? "

" If the Sabres start with the ball, they'll likely score a fast touchdown. The dwarve line isn't quite fast enough to keep up with those quick Human catchers. The short, bearded maniacs then can take their time scoring in the remainder of the first half, crunching down the field at their slow, drunken pace."

" Which means that BEERd has the whole second half to grind a touchdown in, eating up the clock. Brilliant!"

" Genius! "

" Smash! "

" And it looks like our wizard on the scene has the connection back. Welcome back, Joe."

" And our last match of the week is between two Chaos teams. Should be quiet a bloodbath."

" Well, it would if this were week fourteen, Dan. As it is, both teams are relatively light in the violence department. Surreally, this match will come down to who can handle the ball better, not who can smash the best."

" Smashing is da' best."

" Thanks for that, Joe. And that's all we have for you this week. I'm Casey McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell. And remember, respect women, or they'll put the boot to you when you're down. This was SportsNight."

Week 3

" Hello, I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell."

" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by Iron Warrior Athletic Wear. Get tough. Get Iron Warrior tough."

" Our Monday Night Blood Bowl game of the week is the lossless Styx Rivermen trying to keep their momentum strong against the feisty, plucky, and also-happen-to-be-funding-us squad of Tinwë United. This one should be exciting, Casey."

" Tinwë has laid in an almost unheard of four apothecaries for this match, calling in favors from the cousins of most of the players on the team who went to medical school, rather than faff about playing water polo and drinking sherry all day."

" We've also heard reports that the Rivermen's star Throw-Ra, Tom Gravy, has been having trouble handling the ball in team scrimmages for the last week."

" When contacted, Styx Rivermen press secretaries insisted that any stories involving Gravy's actual -hands- being torn off by an over enthuisiastic Tomb Guardian are simply propaganda being spread by the less, terrified teams in the league."

" Regardless of the truth behind the matter, Styx won't have Gravy to foot in its touchdowns this week."

" Can the Rivermen perservere without their key ball handler? Can the elves stay on the field with their legion of medics? "

" Well, those are the salient questions. What do you think the answers are? "

" Yes and no, Dan."

" You really want our show to be cancelled don't you, Casey? "

" I'm locked in to this contract for another six years otherwise. The Royal College contacted me about the title role in Sigmund: The Musical."

" ... horrible. Moving on."

" Rampage! had a rough week last game playing the deadly Rivermen. Facing the solid green line of Green IS Your Enemy! is a Norse squad that's down more than a few players. Without a full squad, they'll be forced to use.. really, anyone who shows up to help them out. This'll probably turn out poorly for the Rampage!"

" Yes indeed. In the battle of the Exclamation Marks, it seems that the newcomers have the edge. And the edge is numbers."

" Now here's an elf team that understands agility play! The Johnny's Quest has put up some impressive numbers as they've stormed to two victories to start the season off right. This smashed conventional wisdom involving rerolls, team building, and frontloading your roster with expensive positional players."

" Yes it did, Casey."

" Thanks for that affirmation, Dan. This could change in the game against the Patched Plagues, however. Without their Treeman, the wood elves will lack that strong center that has let their swift movement skirt around the eye of the storm at the heart of the pitch. And with the duo of Patches and Claws looking at adding another zombie to their team, this one could get bloody."

" Rather than think about the Red Sabres game ourselves, Casey and I spent the morning tossing cards in to a hat from across the room. So we sent our field reporter Joe Nar Law Muu down to their locker rooms to get an inside scoop. Joe?"

" Dees boys are ready fer anythin'. Dey been practicun' and working real hard. Deys gonna smash dees Valks in ter der ground."

" What do they think of the star talent the Valkyries have managed to secure for this match, Joe? Are they worried about them at all?"

" Are yoo kidding me? Naw. Dees boys are going to take 'em and smash 'em good. Joe sez."

" And there you have it, folks. Joe says."

" MAIM KILL BURN versus the Iron Giants, Dan. Who's your pick?"

" The Iron Giants."

" And your reason? "

" They seem to actually be capable of picking the ball up, Casey. That's step number one in winning a game of Blood Bowl."

" Step number two being? "

" Not dropping the damn thing."

" With the entire prior week off to celebrate their victory over the Red Sabres, the Fancy Lads are back in a serious bout against the solid center line of BEERd. With a deathroller for the second match in a row, the dwarves of BEERd will have an almost unstoppable presence on the pitch for the first drive."

" But will it be enough to set them up for the rest of the game? Tune in to find out."

" What do you think Hellbug's Heroes are doing with their week off, Dan? "

" If I know them, they're probably getting themselves pumped for their game next week."

" You don't think they're off somewhere, pillaging a luckless village, setting fire to its church, and carrying off all of the loot they can manage?"

" Isn't that what I said?"

" And that's all we've got time for this week on SportsNight. Turn in next week, when we'll discuss the finer points of agility based play. I'm Casey McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell. And this was SportsNight."

Week 5:
" Hello, I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell."

" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by The Happy Halfling, All You Can Eat Buffet. Never be hungry again, come on down to the Hungry Halfling. Now with new and improved sticky buns!"

" And we're back from our week of hiatus. Now, you just got back from Altdorf and a brief run starring in Sigmund: The Musical! How was that, then?"

" It went very well, thank you very much."

" Don't kid, Casey. Tell our fans at home like it is."

" Fine. I'm been officially barred from the Imperial Capital, the script for Sigmund: The Musical! has been burnt, and most of the Royal College along with it."

" Savage. Sounds like you're lucky to have made it out of there alive. Moving on to Blood Bowl news. The Iron Giants have the week off. I don't really have much more to say about that. Do you, Casey?"

" Only to congratulate them on their victory last week. Well done, boys."

" The Johnnys' Quest have been brutally man, or rather, elfhandled by their opponents in the last two weeks. Unfortunately, this week doesn't look like its going to be any different. Green IS Your Enemy! is shaping up to be quite the contender."

" I still think the Quest is going to walk away with a victory, but at what cost? How long before the squad consists of two elves, a shrub, and a lot of hope?"

" How long indeed, Casey."

"Reputedly, Tinwë United's new owner has spent the whole week since floating in a bathtub filled with champagne. Talk about extravagent!"

" Right you are, Casey. Most men would consider a single afternoon sufficient for a bubbly bath. Unfortunately, this means he's currently unavailable for our scheduled interview. Instead, we have Joe on location to talk to Ingwë Peloras, the team's coach. Can you hear me, Ingwë, Joe?"

" You betcha, Dan."

" Indeed. Indeed we can."

" Now, Ingawhee, tell me about der off ents of der team."

" Our offense -would- be great if the boys didn't get so excited on the pitch that they forget our passing drills. Every one of them born to play the game the way it was meant to be played, and still, they have a case of nerves. As it stands, so-so."

" And on der dee fence?"

" Wretched. Simply wretched. The only player worth speaking about on defense is Valinor, and that simply won't cut it. I've been working with the rest of the team to develop their tackling, their field presence. Valinor needs to work on his ability to pop the ball lose when he connects on a block, too. Really, there's so much work that needs to happen on defense, it almost doesn't make sense to list it."

" Which is ter say der same thing, yeah? For how much you smash?"

" Pretty much. I don't feel the need to build that element of the team up, though. I think we can win by embracing our strengths, rather than trying to spread out and become just mediocre at everything. The only thing there is to say about our injury production is that I'm probably going to be running with a second apothecary for most of the season. I feel like we need it to keep our boys healthy enough for them to have the time to realize how and why they should improve."

" So, in general?"

" I think the team stinks. But that's why I was brought in by the new owner. To whip these boys in to shape. And so help me, I will."

" Der you have it. Der United doesn't smash."

" And what do you think about their chances about your old team this week, Joe?"

" Der Red Sabres smash. United can't smash. Der Sabres are gonner win."

" Thanks Joe. Now, the next game is MAIM KILL BURN versus the terrifying Rivermen."

"If this matchup had happened later in the season, the Rivermen would have had a serious fight on their hands. Chaos can put together a pretty stompy set of players."

" But, as it stands, the Rivermen should sweep the field completely by the midway point of the second half. If they weren't hideous, undead monsters from the deserts of death itself, they could knock off early for a cup of tea."

" As it stands, they're probably going to just stomp on the brutalized remains of their adversaries some more."

" Most likely."

" Seems like a safe bet. Lets check with our resident stomping expert. Joe?"

" Deys gonna smash. Not gonna stomp."

" I see! Insightful as always."

" The Fancy Lads are the team to beat in the B Division."

" And Rampage isn't the team to do it."

" Why do you say that? "

" Their armor is too light. In any confrontation between teams that can slug it out, it all comes down to who has men left on the pitch. And that's going to be the Lads."

" The Heroes are struggling coming in to week five."

" On paper, so are the Patched Plagues. The reality is something entirely different, of course. The Plagues squad is something that is becoming genuinely frightening."

" If the Heroes weren't all psychotic Chaos worshippers, they might even be scared. But, since they are, they just seem eager for another chance at kicking butt."

" Now this is trouble, Dan. The lovely ladies of Die Valkyrie are going up against their natural enemies. Dwarves."

" Natural enemies? How do you mean, Casey?"

" Well, they're thieving, atavistic, short, stinking alcoholics, the lot of them. And they all bloody have tackle. Its disgusting."

" Too true, Casey. The Valkyries are going to be struggling, with their dominant strength almost completely nullified. That still doesn't change the main question; can BEERd actually score a point? They've been shut out since week one."

" That will be the crux of the biscuit. Care to venture a guess?"

" Despite their commanding advantages, BEERd will come up empty. Their legs are just too short."

" Whereas, the Valks have some serious legs."

" You're filthy, Casey."

" I know. Its hard to wash all of this ash off. And that's all the time we have this week. I'm Casey McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell. This was SportsNight."

Week 7
"Hello, and I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."

And I'm Dan Rydell."

"And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by Djinn Gin. When you really wish you had a drink, make it a Djinn and Tonic."

"Tonight we're going to be taking a close look at the Monday Night Blood Bowl game between defending Champions the Red Sabres and plucky underdogs the Johnny's Quest."

" Indeed. And it should be a heck of a game."

" On paper, the Sabres are probably the most impressive team in the league. Veteran players, accomplished support staff, actually have some squad practice in effect. Catcher Morr E.N. Tezz is easily the most impressive human Catcher that has played the sport in quite some time."

" ... which means he's just about as good as the average Wood Elf line man."

" What this Catcher has backing him up is entirely unlike the typical Wood Elf team, however. Four of the Sabres have the incredibly useful ability to lend their weight in a block no matter what. This amount of guardian weight is going to prove telling in the scrum that will develop on the field."

" Speaking of guard, Bald Green John's own talent in that field is going to be an impressive swing for the elves. His high movement, and his impressive agility combine to allow him to place that extra attention just about anywhere the Johnnies need it."

" I think Johnny 5-Shots could prove pivotal in this match-up. The ability to strip the ball away from a careless runner is pivotal and with only one player who has the safe hand work to counter it, the Red Sabres could be looking at some serious turn overs."

" Its not just that the fact that 5-Shots is so good at stripping the ball away, Dan. As a wardancer, he's almost hilariously mobile. Leap lets him completely ignore the defensive cages that so many teams use to protect the ball carrier. And he really doesn't need much help setting up the block, either. Even without any help, he's more likely than not to be knocking that ball away."

" Very true."

" This leaves the question of inducement finances."

" They really had to grease the palm of the wood elves coach for this one, Casey. The Quest is looking at something in the area of 350 large in toys."

" I know what I would do it with it."

" And none of us want to hear it, Casey. My own advice would involve a star player, one of the cheaper ones. These high profile targets seem to do a great job absorbing a lot of the violence that so often is inflicted on the Quest. Then, I would probably spring for a few of the mid-range inducements, the hundred thousanders."

" You just want to see an elf with a chainsaw, Dan."

" I just want to see an elf with a chainsaw, Casey. Is that so much to ask?"

" I think the Johnny's should hire a brace of extra apothecaries. Fredo D. Stefani has been taking it easy, but mark my words. That man is primed for some serious carnage. As for the Red Sabres special teams coach, I have two words for you . Pass Block. Look in to it, buddy. You're going to need it. We've very nearly run out of time; Dan, how about you let the viewers at home know what you think of the rest of the games this week."

" GIYE! is going to wreck MKB's day in the battle of the Capitol Letters, The Fancy Lads are going to prevail over Tinwë, the Styx will continue to do their same old dance on the face of the Heroes, Rampage! will beat BEERd despite getting one of their stars injured severely, and the Plagues will somehow manage to lose to the Giants despite mauling them severely as well."

" And the Valkyries will be washing their hair all week. So don't get any ideas, fans."

" You're appalling, Casey."

" I'm Casey McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell. This was SportsNight."

Week 9

" Hello, and I'm Casey "Killer" McCall."

" And I'm Dan Rydell."

" And you're watching SportsNight, on CABALVISION, sponsored by the University of Rotterheim. An educated zombie is a zombie with a future. Get some brrrrrrains!"

" We're taking a look at how the sport has changed. Changed for the better, or changed for the worse, many will argue that point. But one thing no one can argue is that it has been a dramatic change."

" One of the most obvious changes to the sport as a whole is the position of journeyman on a team's roster. In the old days, teams weren't allowed to have players take part in the match unless they were officially on the team. This often led to some teams playing with nine, seven, or sometimes fewer players on the pitch."

" Journeymen allow teams to focus on just playing the sport, and not worrying so hard about a gradual spiral into destruction, shame, and fan-mounted raids on the clubhouse."

" I once saw Startrek.nl play a game where they had one player on the pitch."

" Couldn't have been pretty for the wood elves, could it?"

" No, it was fine. He won, actually."

"... Moving on."

" I would argue that, once upon a time, Stand Firm was the best skill in the game."

" Oh?"

" Indeed. What causes turn-overs like mad? Dodges failing. What else? Go For Its failing. What did the old Stand Firm do? Prevent them -entirely-. That's right. You could attempt a dodge, no matter how insane, and not worry. Take that mummy of yours and have him try to dodge into five tackle zones. On a six, he succeeds! On any other result... he just stays where he was. It was magic."

" The number of disgusting plays I'd seen happen with Flesh Golems? Lord almighty."

" These days, Claw simply sets the armor of the blocked player to seven. Simple. Clean. And, for elves, it means that claws don't really do much of anything, allowing Wood Elves to just giggle and stick out their tongue at werewolves and chaos monsters alike."

" But back in the glory days, Claw -added- a whopping two to your armor penetration roll."

" For those of you keeping track out there, that lowered an elf's effective armor to five. -Five-."

" And that's not all, Casey. There was the dreaded, disgusting, totally amazing Razor Sharp Claws. Someone was worried that simply breaking armor like it was paper wasn't good enough, so they created this skill. It adds two to the -injury roll-."

" Consider how much we worry about mighty blow, with a mere +1 to penetration -or- injury. A Claw/RSC player had +2 to both! Mind blowing!"

" Lastly, a quick look at the post-game experience's most infamous component; aging. The aging mechanic forced every player to make an increasingly more difficult check whenever they gained a skill. Fail the check, and you gained a serious injury trait!"

" Simple as that, Dan. And, though it was difficult, a player could fail the roll on his very first skill! "

" Right you are. Nothing like having a Wardancer gain a niggling injury after a single game, and not even from something as expected as a massive pile of dwarves kicking him in the bits."

" Which brings up the dreaded niggling injury. Now, a niggle just increases the odds of the player exploding into a bloody mist every time they're hit."

" Bad, we grant you. But how bad?"

" Compared to the old niggles which had a one in six chance of -preventing the player from taking the pitch at all-."

" That's right! And if you had multiple niggles, every. Single. One. Had a one in six chance of keeping you off the pitch."

" Not only was it frustrating, it wasn't fun. And we're oh so glad its changed."

" We hoped you enjoyed this look back. I'm Dan Rydell."

" And I'm Casey McCall. This was SportsNight."

Week 12

" Tonight on a very special SportsNight, we're going to take a moment to talk about a very real problem."

" We've been confused by the general optimism shown towards a certain team, and a general lack of straight talking. That team's name? Tinwe United."

" So we've taken a look at their upcoming game and taken it apart, piece by piece, to demonstrate why exactly we here at SportsNight think that they're a completely rubbish team who've got as much shot at the playoffs as they do at being the first elves to land on the moon."

" Winless since Week Six, Tinwe's fans have been deserting the Union in droves over the past several weeks of their trudge to the bottom. Yes folks, that's right. Week Six. Even Hellbug's Heroes and MAIM KILL BURN have gotten a win more recently than that. I would call it shameful, but really, that's an insult to shame. The only other team to go this long winless? Green Is Your Enemy! Hells bells, BEERd has won twice in that span of time. Incidentally, one of those wins the dwarves snagged? A Three-One victory over Tinwe. You heard me right folks. Dwarves utterly blew out elves."

" Inducements are the one really shiny spot for Tinwe. We'll almost certainly be seeing a serious Star Player taking the field, and probably one or two dirty tricks besides. Of course, even with the Star Player, Tinwe'll still be down a player in a game that'll come down to injuries."

" Comparing their positionals.. the Johnny's have an edge so sharp it bleeds. Four Catchers to two catchers; all of the Johnny's Catchers have at least one skill and most have an ability increase. 'Itchy' Feet in particular is a threat that should not be underestimated; with a potential movement of twelve and a built in reroll on his Go-For-Its, his redzone is the fifty yard line."

" Tinwe's best catcher, Tirnen Thirgail, falls short in comparison to this beast. The greater strength shouldn't matter, as neither of these players should be in the thick of it; their role is punching touchdowns in. The Johnny's have four of these touchdown monsters, while Tinwe's lone backup Catcher has the impressive and singular skill of... being slightly slower than he was when he started. Way to be unique, Palidos, way to be."

" Blitzers is the one spot where Tinwe has a slight edge. With two Blitzers to the one Wardancer, Tinwe has a shot at finally being able to disrupt some plays."

" Of course, 5-Shots is that one step faster than either Ienora or Valinor. Between that step and leap, his manueverability is much higher."

" On the other hand, his Dauntless character won't be worth much against the Pro Elves."

" On the gripping hand, Casey, if the worst thing that you can say is,' I won't need this special skill to deal with my enemy because my enemy is so stonking weak it doesn't apply to even their strongest player', then you're probably doing alright."

" Yes indeedy. Moving on, their throwers are almost identical. Almost, that is, except that ( as will become a constant refrain ), the Tinwe plodder Ingorian Windglaive is one step slower than Dijon ‘Crazy’ Bone. A lone step that'll almost certainly be telling."

" Oh, and the little fact that Dijon has completed over THREE TIMES more passes than the sadsack which is Ingorian Windglaive. What a pile! Seriously. It can't be overstated what a blow the sheer incompetence of this absolutely maladroit puddle splasher is to Tinwe."

" Yikes. Looking at their linemen, every single United player is worse than his counterpart on the Johnny's from the get-go. That one step slower is the difference between locking up tackle zones, that one extra die roll for a Go For It. This is the painfaul part for Tinwe. Taking skills in to account, amazingly, it actually doesn't get too much worse for Tinwe. While a mere half of their six linemen have skills, the same can be said of the Johnny's with three out of their five. With one of their linemen sporting the functional yet personally unimpressive Leader, the Johnny's skills come out in the wash, balancing out the increased agility one of their other linemen possesses."

" And the worst was saved for last; the positionals that the Johnny's have which Tinwe doesn't have at all. Treeman and Tomb Guardian."

" Yes, folks, you heard that right. The Wood Elves of Johnny's Quest are being allowed to field a Khemri player. Don't ask us, we just read the news."

" With two high strength mighty blow players, the Quest will be dealing out the harshness all game long. "

" If Rampage had mauled the Johnny's in week ten, this might be a game. But we're pretty confident that all in all, it won't be. Tinwe will be lucky if they score a single touchdown, and the Johnny's won't be leaving with less than three touchdowns. If they're going to get four touchdowns in a game this season, this'll be it."

" When all's said, anything can happen. But anything being possible doesn't mean anything is probable. Best case scenario for Tinwe United is they come out uninjured and with a tie. While they haven't a snowflakes chance in the hot place to pull off a win, a tie might just be possible."

" Possible but entirely unlikely. The Johnny's do poorly when they're outbashed. Tinwe isn't going to outbash them, especially not with ringer Ned the Annihilator swinging. So TINWE is going to lose badly. QED. Our official SportsNight prediction? Four-One, Johnny's, and at least two of the Pro Elves are going to be retiring after the game from injuries, fatal or otherwise."

" I'm Dan Rydell."

" And I'm Casey McCall. This was a very special SportsNight."

2012-10-24, 05:37 PM
Spike! Magazine

Individual Season Awards

Spike! Magazine is here to make their picks for this season's individual player awards. Without further delay, here they are!

Most Valuable Player
This award goes without a doubt to Morr E.N. Tezz, of the Red Sabres. This guy has brought the Sabres back from the brink many times in this season alone, and has one of the most impressive statlines in the league for a player at his position. He does it all, rushing, receiving, and even blitzing. If that wasn't enough, the man overcame an injury so severe that the majority of owners in the league would have cut him. Despite this injury, he has played at a very high level, and is the keystone to the Sabres' success.

Offensive Player of the Year
Gondul, of Die Valkyrie takes this one. Not only does she lead the league in passing, but she has racked up a number of touchdowns on the ground as well. This versatility has allowed an unorthodox offense to take form on the amazonian pitch, where a passing play can turn into a big rushing play, and then back to a passing play almost without warning. Die Valkyrie is one of the most difficult offenses to prepare against, and Gondul is the primary reason.

Defensive Player of the Year
Bull the Butcher, without question. Even sitting out the last two matches of the season, Bull has amassed a whopping casualty and K.O. total in his record-breaking season. Bull leads a defensive unit which has pummeled every offense it has faced, collapsing the line of scrimmage and removing players from the pitch early and often. Bull's ballcarrier removal service has been responsible for more casualties than some entire teams, and has set the gold standard for bashers in the league's short history.

Offensive Rookie of the Year
Tirnen Thirgail of Tinwe United. This guy IS the elf offense. Sitting high in the touchdowns chart, setting the single-game record for touchdowns scored, and doing it on a team who's play is suspect even at the best of times. This player has made such an impact on the Tinwe offense, that were he not there, the elves wouldn't be sitting in playoff territory right now.

Defensive Rookie of the Year
George "Grafts" of the Patched Plagues takes home this honor. While Hildr of Die Valkyrie was a strong candidate for this award, George wins by riding his one-man dismantling of the Styx Rivermen. Facing one of the toughest lines in the game, "Grafts" KILLED (again) two Rivermen. George has a dominant command of the line of scrimmage in every game he plays, and is a big part of teammate Lupus "Patches"' success. Lupus leans toward George's side of the pitch on nearly every rushing play, and for good reason. On defense, George's side is the first to break through and open up a hole for the wights and werewolves. "Grafts" is a beast.



/Older Issues May Disappear Due to 50k Character Limit :smalleek:/

Week 3
Impact Game of the Week

MAIM KILL BURN vs. Iron Giants

This week, only one match features two winless teams going head to head. MKB are newcomers to the cup scene, and still getting the hang of the game, having begun the season on a bye. Last week, poor ball-handling dashed any hopes of a win in their season-opener as their opponents capitalized mercilessly on their errors. The Iron Giants are coming away from two great performances against very good teams which they just could not finish. In week one, they picked off Tinwë United twice and were unable to make the most of the opportunities, settling for a draw. Last week, against an excellent Johnnys' Quest team, they got bloodied, but still could have won had they taken advantage of wood elf turnovers.

MKB is a team without an identity on offense. Their lone score last week was an opportunistic touchdown after a Hellbug turnover. On defense, they play a relentless, attacking style, and they should be able to do this even more effectively against the Giants, who lack any significant strength on the roster. Without a clear plan on offense, it will be important that the MKB defense play well, and keep the Giants in their own territory. This will allow them to take advantage of loose balls, and hopefully convert them to touchdowns.

The Iron Giants, despite being built as a balanced team, have shown no such balance on their offensive drives. The tools are in place, but the tools have not been up to the job. While this may be a result of the swarming nature of the elf defenses which they have faced, the true test will be in this match. While, the MKB defense is aggressive, it is not as especially mobile as the Giants' first two opponents. This should give the Giants some space to work with. Also of note is that the Giants are down two starters, their replacements will not be as adept at taking advantage of the second chances that the Iron Giants' coaches love. On defense, MKB is sure to give the Giants opportunities, and they must take them. If the Giants defense can end one MKB drive and take away the ball, that may be all they need to win the match.

Both of these teams need to establish an offensive identity and come in with a solid gameplan. We here at Spike! would love to see underachieving throwers Fred Johns or Javier Rockefeller make some safe, accurate throws to the two underutilized Giants catchers. MAIM KILL BURN just needs someone to step up and learn how to pick up the ball, keep it secure, and move quickly towards the endzone. Whatever the gameplan of either team, the Giants have played two good matches, and I'm picking this one as the one that they finally break through and notch a win.

Crow's Pick:
MAIM KILL BURN 0 - 1 Iron Giants

Week 4
Crow's Mid-Season Playoff Picks

So we've reached week four, and we are starting to get a good look at what each team is all about. Now that we've seen what these teams have to offer, it is time to start making playoff predictions!

Division A

Styx Rivermen
I'm going to go with the safe bet on this one, and say that their consistent play, and ability to stay healthy thus far continues into the playoffs, keeping them in contention.

Green IS Your Enemy
This orc team is not an easy out, and will scrape together enough wins and points to clinch a respectable playoff seed.

Tinwë United
These hapless elves will score more touchdowns as the season goes on. With so many bash teams, it will be hard for opponents to keep up. Tinwë will be in the hunt.

Division B

The Johnnys' Quest
The wood elves have been invincible this season, and their early success (if it continues), regardless of their late season performance, will carry them to the playoffs.

Red Sabres
I can't count out the Sabres. Last season's champs have been inconsistent as of late, but have labored beneath the massive inducements handed out to their opponents. As soon as team values start to pull even, the Sabres will start to pull away.

The Fancy Lads
The Lads have a revamped offense, and smothering defense. If their play continues, they will be in the thick of things.

Wild Cards

These norse are fighters, and will ride star thrower Sessrumnir to another playoff birth, though just barely. Look for them to make a strong run in the playoffs.

Patched Plagues
This is my dark horse pick. The Plagues are in a position where they could have easily been 3-0 at this point in the season. They will turn it around, and will beat out everyone else for the final playoff spot.

Week 5
Gambler's Corner
Brought to you by Goblin Gambling

Hello bloodbowl fans! Holden McGroin here for Goblin Gambling, and I´m here to give you the heads up on all of this week's Blood Bowl Cup action. We have a lot of good matchups this week, and I am going to break each of them down to help you get the maximum profitz on your wagers this week.

Our first matchup pits the wood elves of Johnnys' Quest against the evergreen antics of Green IS Your Enemy! The Johnnys are in bad shape after last week's train wreck with the Rivermen, but Team Green still won't be able to slow down that wood elf offense. At 2-1 odds on either side, you can't go wrong with the Johnnys, who will get their scores one way or the other.

Best Bet: The Johnnys' Quest

Next up on the agenda is the Red Sabres against Tinwë United. These elf teams are starting to hit their stride, but even with their improved play, I don't think Tinwë matches up to the Sabres. Add to that, rumor has it the Sabres will be bringing in some ''extra help'' this week. You have to give this one to the defending champs at 2 to 1.

Best Bet: Red Sabres

MAIM KILL BURN facing the Rivermen is a lock for the Rivermen. But let's not lose sight of what's important here, profitz. With 4 to 1 odds being offered for an MKB win, you would be crazy not to put a little bit of cash on MKB this week. Odds are, they are going to lose. But stranger things have happened, so why not take a chance?


The Fancy Lads against Rampage is a true toss-up. Either one of these teams have what it takes to pull out a victory this week, but the Lads have the momentum, and have been playing far beyond anything they had shown last season. Meanwhile Rampage has struggled to play up to their potential. Go with the Lads on this one at 2 to 1.

Best Bet: The Fancy Lads

The Patched Plagues and their two werewolf phenoms are taking it to the Chaos team of Hellbug's Heroes. The Plagues sport one of the top rushing games in the league, while the Heroes sport...well, not a whole lot. Probably why the Heroes are getting 3 to 1 odds this week. Even with those odds, I still think the Plagues are too good to justify betting against them.

Best Bet: Patched Plagues

The final match of the week is the dwarves of BEERd against the amazons of Die Valkyrie. The dwarves are a matchup nightmare for the amazons, and Die Valkyrie has not played well this season. Luckily for them, the BEERd offense is absolutely anemic. I think Die Valkyrie make at least two touchdowns this week and hang on for a narrow victory over BEERd.

Best Bet: Die Valkyrie

So there you have it Blood Bowl fans! Keep your wits about you and get your wagers in before kickoff. Together, you and I are going to be rich! This is Holden McGroin, signing off.

Week 6

Quicky's Keys To Victory, Week 6

With week 6 approaching, and every playoff spot still up for grabs, we have some pivotal games lined up for this Wednesday. That is why I, Quicky, will draw upon my vast Blood Bowl experience, accumulated during my MVP-worthy season spent with Da Gabooms. Don't let my resume intimidate you, my modesty is only surpassed by my Blood Bowl knowledge!

Our first match of the week is the champion Red Sabres versus The Johnnys' Quest. In my opinion, the Quest is poised to crush these Sabres like a deathroller blitzing a snotling, with Bull the Butcher pushing! All will rely upon their ability to get receivers open, and get the ball to them. If the elf catchers can dodge away from the Sabres coverage, and their throwers can deliver the ball accurately, almost nothing can stop them. The Sabres have a tall order in this match, and we have seen that even a severely battered roster doesn't slow the elves down much, unless you can *really* beat the tar out of them, which we haven't seen the Sabres be able to do. For that reason, the Sabres need to throw the ball like they have never done before, and hope to win the shootout. This means getting Fernand O.E. Arrow to sling the ball like a Fancy Lad. Then, they *may* have a shot to take down the Johnnies.

Next up on the schedule is MAIM KILL BURN versus Green IS Your Enemy! The key for my glorious orc cousins is going to be *blocking*. The cultists of MKB often let their rage get the better of them, and the orcs will need to overcome this with skill. Hopefully, they can outplay MKB in the blocking game and it will transfer into good offense and defense for GIYE. MAIM KILL BURN, if they wish to win, is going to need to score more touchdowns than they have recently. You almost have to assume that GIYE will score at least one touchdown, meaning MKB needs two. This is going fall squarely on the claws of Kaldsorfan. He needs to be ready, with a strong gameplan, to carry the ball, and be able to get clear of the orc blockers coming his way, because with the frenzied nature of the rest of his team, he can't expect a whole lot of support. As much as I hate to say it, Kaldsorfan needs to channel the great runners of yore, such as myself, and put MKB on his back to carry them to victory.

Next up, The Fancy Lads take on Tinwe United. To be completely honest, I couldn't tell you what the illustrious Lads need to do to win this game. Not because I don't think they can, but because their manners of winning, and scoring the number of touchdowns they have, is a complete mystery to me! They seem to have no overarching offensive or defensive doctrine, and I guess all I can say to team owner Houlio, is just keep doing what you're doing! Tinwe United on the other hand, is much more cut and dry. Play for the kill, boys. Not literally, of course, because we saw you try to do that against the Rivermen! What I mean is throw the ball, and throw it well! If Tinwe wants to beat this excellent lads team, thrower Ingorian Windglaive needs to be accurate with his throws, and avoid the fumbles that the Tinwe throwers have been suffering from. If they can do this, expect a blowout of the Lads.

After this will be Hellbug's Heroes against the Styx Rivermen. The Rivermen are going to have a significantly harder time inflicting casualties on this tough Chaos team, and will need to play well since they cannot depend on depleting the Heroes' numbers on the pitch. This means clock management. If the Rivermen don't give the Heroes time to score, and can hold them off on one good defensive drive, they stand an excellent chance. The Heroes can win this game. It will come down to the beastman Brunbob. As the only Heroes player who has shown an affinity for running the ball, a good practice week, and preparation to execute running plays can pay dividends for the Heroes. If Brunbob is ready to run, expect nothing less than a draw for the Heroes, *if* Brunbob stays healthy.

Following this match will be the Dwarves of BEERd against Rampage! I still have bad memories of our face-off against Rampage, but I think the dwarves are a little better equipped than my Gabooms were. BEERd needs a deathroller. They should be able to swing hiring one against this superior norse team, and if they do, I think they stand a good chance of keeping this a 1-0 match in their favor. Sessrumnir of Rampage will try to see to it that this is not the case. But along with Sessrumnir, is the werewolf standout Managarmr, who has been having some excellent matches. If I am team owner snkls, I am figuring that Sessrumnir will play well as always, but I am banking on Managarmr. Put that werewolf in the weight room to bulk up for the match. This dog has the hot claws, and I think he is poised to stay on a roll!

Lastly, we will be watching the Iron Giants, coming off their bye week, taking on the Patched Plagues. The Plagues ARE good. Despite their record. The Iron Giants are going to have a tough match ahead of them, but should be receiving some significant inducement cast. If it is me, I am trying to find a way to put that cash towards a mercenary Ogre. Having that presence on the field is something the Plagues haven't much dealt with, and could swing the match in favor of the Giants. The Patched Plagues have things much easier. They have shown complete dominance of the wings, thanks to their werewolves, and I think by keeping the game in their hands, they can't go wrong. With their two flesh golems keeping the center safe, the wolves should have yet another game, if team owner Necroticplague invests in them like he has.

So there you have it! My key to victory for this week. Good luck to you all, because after all, without a runner like me on your team, you will need it!

Week 7
Crow Calls Press Conference Over Fredo Remarks

Hey there sports fans! It seems that Styx Rivermen owner Crow, called an emergency press conference to address the uproar over remarks he made regarding Sabres blitzer Fredo D. Stefani. Luckily, one of our snotlings was there to bring you this transcript of the conference:

Crow: Ok, first question, please.

GGGrrrrrrr, Plagues Beat-writer: Were the comments you made about Fredo trrrrrue? Is he rrrrrreally clean this season?

C: Absolutely not. Fredo is an accomplished player and the focus teams have placed on him this season has limited his impact so far. I would never suggest that a player of his calibre was playing dope-free.

GGG: But isn't that exactly what you said?

C: Next Question, please.

Fallon Silverwave, Tinwë Gazette: What about your comment that Mr. Stefani was washed up? Isn't it true that you said he was washed up and finished?

C: Yes, that is totally true. Fredo had just finished a tough game, and had hit the showers to wash off the dirt and grime. When I made that comment it had been at least a day since the game, so I assume he was finished bathing by then.

FS: But Crow, that explaination makes no sense considering the context of the comment. Care to explain that, for us?

C: Bull, explain that for me please.

Bull the Butcher: ERRRRRRrrrrrrrrrr -SMASH!-

C: Next Question.

Drip Bubblegutz, Spike! Magazine: How do you explain your recommendation to Sabres owner Aedilred, that he should cut Fredo D. Stefani immediately?

C: I meant that he should cut the man a check immediately. Fredo is one of the finest blitzers in this league, and well underpaid. I think his slow start may be due to a lack of focus due to the uncertainty in his contract situation.

DB: ...

C: Ok, no more questions. Stay classy everybody.

So there you have it, from the man himself. Hopefully, this will put to rest any rumors of bad blood between the Sabres blitzer and Rivermen owner.

All-Star Week:

Exclusive! All-Star Bounty Scandal Uncovered!

With the All-Star match set to take place, we at Spike! Magazine, your premier source for everything Blood Bowl, have uncovered amazing news. It seems that upon hearing of the changes to this year's All-Star match in regards to injuries, several team coaches have been implicated in bounty programs.

While pay-for-injury 'bounties' are nothing new to Blood Bowl, some are saying that this violates the spirit of the All-Star match, which traditionally has been a week for relaxation and good-spirited sportsmanship. However, it was only a matter of time before team managers began to take advantage of the excellent opportunity the match presents. At no other time during the season can a coach expect that any player his team injures during a match will be a highly-decorated, star player. We tracked down league commissioner, Crow, to ask him about the scandal:

Spike! Magazine: Crow, what do you intend to do in order to address this bounty scandal?

Crow: I haven't had any evidence presented to me so far, so I can't really comment on that. So far this is all just hearsay.

S!: What do you say to those who are saying that you have a conflict of interest as far as this game is concerned? Isn't it true that you have two players who stand a good chance to put a lot of opponents out of commission in the All-Star Match? Wouldn't those injuries benefit your team?

C: Yes, they would benefit the Rivermen. They would also benefit any other teams that faced opponents with injured players. I don't see how this is a conflict of interest. I have a number of players on the squad, elected by my gracious fellow owners, and the way I see it, probably have a proportionately greater risk than any other team out there. My guys could get hurt too.

S!: Fair enough then. Any predictions for the match?

C: Division A gets revenge on Division B, and sacks them 3-0.

As we made our way through the All-Star pavillion to our next interview, we ran into Rampage!'s star thrower, Sessrumnir!

S!: Oops! Sorry.

Sessrumnir: Afsakið, vatch yourselv nex time.

S!: Sessrumnir, it's you! Care to comment on the alleged bounty opposing coaches have placed on you for the All-Star match?

SMR: Já, I vill play hard like alvays. I have price on head every time I go out dere. Let them bounty, I vill danse in deir enzone as I alvays do.

S!: Very well! Good luck, Sess!

SMR: Já takk.

Our final interview is vith- er, with, Göndul, of Die Valkyrie, the league's top thrower:

S!: Thank you for taking the time to answer our questions.

Göndul: It is nothing. I am so happy to be a part of the All-Star match. I hope to do some passing this match, but we will see what coach OMG has planned.

S!: Are you worried about the alleged bounties that are being placed on star players in the upcoming match?

G: Truthfully, a little. Nobody wants to get hurt, and All-Star day is a day for fun. But this IS blood bowl.

S!: If evidence of a bounty scandal is uncovered, do you think league commissioner Crow should take action? What action should that be?

G: That depends on whether it benefits Die Valkyrie or not. I don't think the boys on my side will play any harder, bounty or not. Have you SEEN them?

S!: Well, yes, they are a formidable bunch.

G: Oh yes, especially that handsome werewolf, Lupus. He is SO sexy! That reminds me, I need to get to the practice facility!

S!: Göndul, I believe practice is over the day. Most of the players are in the showers already.

G: Já, I know!

We weren't able to keep up with the fleet amazon thrower to ask any more questions. It would seem that any investigation into this bounty scandal will need to wait until after the match. With luck, by then some evidence will have been produced to conclusively settle this situation. Unfortunately, for some players, that may be too late. If you have any information relating to the scandal, Spike! Magazine wants to hear from you. Until next time, enjoy the match!

Week 9
Second Half Action Preview

With the All-Star game in the bag, we at Spike! must congratulate Division A for their convincing victory. Coach OMG's gameplanning may have been the difference. Many of the players he chose to work with had excellent games, powering Division A to a 4-touchdown performance! But with that out of the way, it's time to move on to more exciting fare, like discussing who is going to come out of the gates for the second half on a tear, and who is going to falter as the playoffs approach. All-Star week is always a good time for teams to rest and recover, as well as prep for the furious second half ahead. That said, let's take a look at each team.

Division A:

Styx Rivermen:
The Rivermen have a tough match match lined up in week 9 against the Patched Plagues, followed by a bye week. Coming off that bye however, the Rivermen face even more tough matches against teams that won't drop like elves. Considering most of the Rivermens' success has been against weaker teams this year, and with owner Crow's history of resting his stars as the playoffs approach to avoid injury, we'd say the Rivermen are due for some losses as the season winds down, but will almost certainly make the playoffs, where they will be an absolute terror for whoever draws them in the first round.

Tinwë United:
TU faces a few tough matches coming off of the break. They will be caught in shootouts with the likes of Die Valkyrie and The Johnnys, while also having to weather Rampage. Of particular note are their final matches against MKB and the Heroes, which, heading to the playoffs as I still believe TU will (They should win both games), may be devastating for the TU roster if their players are not careful. Assuming TU can go 2 for 3 in their matches coming off of the break, they may be better resting key players for these last matches, if at least a wild-card birth seems assured.

Green IS Your Enemy!:
GIYE's second half is looking absolutely brutal. Coming off the break, they have a very winnable match against the sometimes surprising Iron Giants, then their other two divisional matches against the Rivermen and the dangerous patched plagues. I expect GIYE to go 1 for 3 in this stretch, luckily with a bye after the Rivermen. Their last two matches don't get any easier, against the current champs, Red Sabres, followed by The Fancy Lads. In the end, I see GIYE falling short, MAYBE getting a wildcard birth if the rest of Division A crumbles around them.

Iron Giants:
The Iron Giants are in big trouble. They have GIYE, the Red Sabres, The Fancy Lads, AND Rampage ahead in the second half, not to mention a very dangerous Die Valkyrie. Assuming the Giants can score divisional wins against GIYE and Die Valkyrie, which is far from assured, the Giants will need to see a number of division A and B teams collapse to have a shot at the playoffs. This chance goes up if they can manage to at least draw with some of the tougher teams, who I expect to win. Traditionally, draws decrease as the season goes on in this league.

Patched Plagues:
This team has all the tools to go on an absolute tear coming off the break. That said, I don't think they will. If the recent lack of activity by the PP ownership is any indication, I feel this team is already all but abandoned. Hopefully team owner Necroticplague proves us wrong.

This team has some tremendous beatdown power. While their first two matches coming off of the break are not against cupcakes, it is worth noting that their last 4 matches come against the most poorly-armoured teams in the league, and are extremely winnable. Two of those matches are divisional matchups, and will give MKB the chance to even up their abysmal 1-3 divisional record. While a playoff birth is unlikely this season, this is a team primed for next season, should they return.

Die Valkyrie:
Things are not so dire as Die Valkyrie's cellar-dweller status would seem to suggest. They have the premier passer in the league, and come off the break against two teams who shouldn't put too many amazons out of commission. They WILL have a hard time keeping up scoring-wise though. After that comes two Chaos teams, whom they SHOULD beat, if they manage to stay healthy, which is in no way guaranteed. To round out the season are two matches I think they can win. If I was a betting man, I am saying the two elf teams beat out DV, but that DV finishes the season on a 4-game winning streak, making the playoffs.

Division B:

The Fancy Lads:
The Fancy Lads are thus far undefeated in divisional play, and this alone tells me that they have already punched their playoff ticket. It would take a monumental collapse for this team, which has dominated in the matches it has won, to miss the playoffs. The four matches coming off of the break are all very winnable for the Lads, who will then face a Rivermen squad who by then may be resting it's stars. Finishing the season, the Lads will get hot orc-on-orc action with Team Green, and I don't think either team will hold back in a chance to prove which orcs are best. The Lads will have already locked up division B by then, but expect that to be the match that eliminates GIYE.

Red Sabres:
The Sabres are currently sitting in second place, and hold the coveted bye prior to the first round of playoffs. It's good to be the king. The Sabres are definitely the biggest threat to The Fancy Lads when it comes to division B supremacy, and we are entering the part of the year where the Sabres shine. Far from last year, where the Sabres were the Cinderellas of the league, this year, they are the Count of Monte Christos of the league. Battered in the first half, these boys are looking to do whatever they need to get into the playoffs, where they no doubt plan on inflicting merciless revenge on teams like The Fancy Lads, Die Valkyrie, and Rampage (though they drew against Rampage) who doubted their Division B supremacy (and to a degree, proved it). With three matches against teams they should beat, they may be in good playoff position before heading in to face the Rivermen and GIYE in their last two matches.

Rampage, despite lackluster early play, and though sitting behind the Red Sabres in the rankings, have the distinction of being the only other team aside from the Lads in Division B, with a winning record. This is important, because while they drew in two divisional matches, they also haven't LOST any. Rampage has a bye coming off the break, but follows that against two soft teams. They may very well lose these matches, but I don't expect to see them lose the next two against the Heroes and MKB. I certainly don't see them losing to the Iron Giants at year's end. Rampage will be a playoff team this year.

The Johnnys' Quest:
The Johnnys have a tough schedule in the second half. In each match, they will either be trying to keep from getting injured too badly, or will need to be scoring at breakneck pace to keep up. I don't think scoring will be a problem for the Johnnys. Because of this, They are almost certainly making the playoffs. Though coming off of a bye, thier last match of the season comes against MKB, who will be at their best, and no doubt looking to play spoiler against the soft, succulent elves. A bad match here could very well doom any playoff run the Johnnys were hoping to make, if they don't play it careful.

Hellbug's Heroes:
The Heroes have only played ONE divisional match all season. Though they lost that one, it means they have the opportunity to rocket up the standings board if they play well. If any team is poised to make a late-season push, it is most certainly this one. It will certainly not come easily though. They face the Sabres, Lads, AND Rampage. As well as Die Valkyrie, BEERd, and Tinwë United. It is a very real possibility that this team finishes the season 1 for 6, but if they can manage to do better, they have a tremendous shot at the playoffs, where they WILL be dangerous, IF they get there.

BEERd is getting better, but it may be a case of too little, too late. They have already dropped all 3 of their divisional matches thus far, with just the Johnnys and the Heroes remaining in-division. I only see them winning one of these, I´ll let you, the readers, decide which. BEERd HAS played well out-of-division though, and I see them having a good chance at winning at least 3 games against division A opponents, including the Rivermen, who will be playing soft by the time the dwarves meet them. However, I am not sure if I can be a buyer on any potential dwarven playoff birth. Win those 3 games, and at least one divisional game, and it can certainly happen though.

So there it is. We are entering the most exciting part of the cup season. Stay frosty, folks.

Week 11
If The Season Ended Today

While some teams have secured their playoff spots, some teams are fighting for survival, and still very much in the hunt. Here is a breakdown of what the first round of the playoffs would look like, were the season to end today:

Match 1: Styx Rivermen vs Patched Plagues

By virtue of their victory over GIYE!, the Plagues score the wildcard spot, while the Iron Giants get 3rd place due to their earlier wins over the Plagues AND GIYE!. In this match, we would see a rematch of the previous inconlusive meeting of these teams, which saw unparalleled destruction wrought to the Rivermen. Only this time, the game would proceed into a sudden death overtime, should the score be tied at the end of regulation.

Match 2: Tinwe United vs Iron Giants

Holding 2nd place by a slim margin, the elves would host the humans in a week 1 rematch that saw the teams involved fight to a draw, though the likelyhood of the Giants pulling out another two interceptions on Tinwe is slim. Though, it IS Tinwe United, so if any bad luck CAN befall these elves, it very well might!

Match 3: The Fancy Lads vs The Johnnys' Quest

As of now, the Johnnys fall just short of Rampage due to their team value at the close of last round's matches being lower than that of Rampage. That has changed since the last roster moves, so don't expect any TV help for the norse when the real end of the season comes. The Fancy Lads dismantled the Johnnys in their last meeting, but don't expect an improved Johnnies team to go down so easily again.

Match 4: Red Sabres vs Rampage!

Another rematch that pits two teams who drew in their previous match to a sudden death finale. The Sabres are playing some of their best ball right now, and historically play well in the postseason, but Rampage will be pushing hard to avoid another 1st-round playoff exit. Luckily the Sabres are a much more favorable opponent for the norse to face, rather than the wood elves who bounced them last season.

In the Hunt: Everybody. Every team still has a shot, though some teams will need more help than others.

Week 12
Six Burning Questions For Week 12

Hey folks! Here we are about to enter week 12 of the regular season, and it seems with each week, things are getting more and more exciting. No doubt, many owners are looking at their playoff chances and wondering just how "acedemic" they really are, and with good reason; Many of those same owners are going to need significant help moving forward. Others have their playoff births all but assured, and are jockeying for prime playoff positioning. Not many teams savor the idea of facing the Rivermen or Lads in the first round, and don't want to be stuck with a wildcard spot (though the division lead in Division B is still subject to change). Others will be happy to have that wildcard spot, though, as missing it means missing the playoffs! With so much uncertainty ahead, I am here to answer six burning questions for week 12!

Question 1:

Will Captain_Obvious be showing up to salvage his team's playoff hopes?

Last week, the owner of the Iron Giants failed to make an appearance, which helped the Fancy Lads to a victory in which the Giants only barely lost. It is my belief that his intervention may very well have turned the tide. That said, we've had a few owners go on holiday at inopportune times, and I hope that is the case with C.O. His team faces a very beatable BEERd team, and though BEERd needs the win badly, the Giants need it just as much in the convoluted Division A playoff race. I think Captain_Obvious will show up in the nick of time, this time, and lead this human team to victory.

Question 2:

Can Die Valkyrie win two in a row?

The ladies head into a match with the chaos team Hellbug's Heroes this week, and both teams have everything on the line. But while both teams need the win, the Heroes need it the most. Division A is week, which gives Die Valkyrie a chance to make the playoffs even with a loss this week, but the Heroes cannot afford to drop a single game as the end of the season nears, due to the overall better play of the Division B teams. In this case, I am answering no. The ladies will not win two in a row. They are too soft, and the Heroes too tough. I think we'll see some early success by Die Valkyrie before injuries wear down their defense into something the Heroes can handle, and ultimately triumph over.

Question 3:

Can the Patched Plagues rebound against the Fancy Lads?

No. After a rough outing against the defending champs in which they were handled, the hill gets even steeper for the Patched Plagues. The Fancy Lads have played some of the best ball of any team this season, and find ways to win, no matter the situation. Ultimately, the Plagues' offensive attack is one-dimensional, and it is a dimension the Lads have consistently shown themselves to be able to defend against, with their worst showing versus a running team ending in a draw (Rampage!). Lupus 'Patches' will struggle to put up the gaudy numbers he did against the softer Red Sabres, and an unorthodox offensive attack will keep the Lads in the lead once they take it.

Question 4:

Will "Lightning" Sessrumnir eclipse 500 yards rushing again, this season?

With only 124 yards to go before reaching what is considered the gold standard for runners in the league, Big Sess only needs to average about 42 yards per game over his last three games. The season is running one game longer than last season, but even then, the nimble norseman would only need to average 62 yards per game, and while higher, that number is well within his capabilities. He will eclipse 500 yards. Not just because he is that good, but because he faces (in order) MKB, Hellbug's Heroes, and the Iron Giants. These teams not known for their defense, and of the three Hellbug's Heroes will provide the stoutest challenge, though in the end, it won't be enough to stop Sessrumnir from reaching the milestone by season's end.

Question 5:

Will Fernand O.E. Arrow display the same passing prowess he did last week, to defeat the Rivermen?

No. But he will still defeat the Rivermen. The Rivermen have shown the ability to consistently put up two touchdowns in a match, but have only gotten a three-fer once, and that was against the notoriously porous Johnnys' Quest defense, whom the Sabres put up 4 against. The Red Sabres have put up at least 2 touchdowns in each of their last three matches, and did so twice in the three before that. Add to that a team that plays their best ball late in the season, and you have a recipe for a Sabres victory. We have seen that the Sabres passing game breaks down with poor protection, and poor protection will be inevitable against the Rivermen, but the running game will be even worse. Fernand O.E. Arrow will land two more passing touchdowns, but will not equal last week's feat.

Question 6:

Will Tinwe United and The Johnnys' Quest break the six-touchdown barrier?

Twice this season, teams have combined to score six touchdowns in a single game, and I think that in this match, we will see it again. No two other teams are so well-designed to make this happen, and I believe that we WILL see over six touchdowns this week. The winner of this match is going to come down to the team that makes fewer mistakes, as the first mistake by either side could equal a hole which they will be particularly hard-pressed to climb out of. Look for Dijon "Crazy" Bone to hook up with his many receivers for multiple touchdowns, and expect Tinwe thrower Ingorian Windglaive to light it up for a career game with favorite Tinwe target Tirnen Thirgail. This one will be amazing, folks.

Thanks for reading!

Week 13
An Interview With Red Sabres Coach and Owner Aedilred

This week, we at Spike! got an opportunity to sit down with the coach and owner of the Red Sabres, Aedilred. Despite furious game preparation, this gracious coach was willing to answer a few of our questions. Here are the highlights:

S!: The Red Sabres are one of the most successful teams in this league. What is the secret to the Sabres' success?

Æ: If I knew, I wouldn't tell you! The quality of some of our players helps, with the stat raises and doubles skills, and so on, but that's largely down to luck, and I don't think we've done any better from our rolls than teams with similar experience. I suppose we're quite a balanced side, with good flair players but also tough enough that the players can stay on their feet against block-heavy teams, so at least on paper, we can give a good account of ourselves against anyone.

S!: How do you explain the Sabres' slow starts, and their late-season surges in each of the past two seasons?

Æ: Scheduling is part of it: we've started both seasons against strong teams. But the team also develops as the seasons go on, and we usually end a season playing a team much closer to our ideal than at the start. In both seasons the squad has been a bit unbalanced at the beginning and only corrected itself over time.

S!: Some people are saying that Fredo D. Stefani has become complacent. Others are saying he has lost a step. What's the real deal?

Æ: I think it's a measure of the team's success, really. Last season Fredo was the only member of the team really making an impact for most of the season. This time the rest of the players have raised their game, which means less low-hanging fruit for Fredo, but better results overall. Of course, it would be nice if he could deliver a few more casualties, but there's no shortcut to that. He has all the tools; it's just hoping he can take his opportunities.

S!: The Sabres had an excellent Ogre last season, but you opted to cut him and sign the lackluster Seb Sha Bal. Do you regret that decision?

Æ: I don't lose any sleep over it. Seb hasn't had as much of an impact as Joe did, but what he's really in the team for is to stop us getting mauled by bigger, stronger outfits like we were at the start of last season, and he's done that really well. This season we've done much better at keeping our players on the pitch, and I think that's at least partly because we've had an ogre for the whole season.

Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but Joe's asking fee for this season was outrageous. We couldn't afford that.

S!: For two seasons, you have been handling statistics and record-keeping for the league office. Does your position lend you any special insights when it comes to game planning? The Sabres seem to have a knack for being well-prepared for every match.

Æ: It gives me an idea of what to expect from our opponents, but a lot of that is pretty much common knowledge anyway. It's no secret that the Johnnys are good in the air, for instance, or that the Rivermen are physically strong. Obviously I can't really affect anything that happens on the pitch, either. Perhaps it gives me an idea of weaknesses to exploit, but we've tended to follow similar gameplans for most matches and just trust in the players to deliver.

S!: Which team would you most like the Sabres to NOT run into during the playoffs, this post-season?

Æ: The Rivermen, definitely. There aren't any soft matches this time, but the Rivermen are the most troubling. I think we got lucky with the draw last post-season with the Stinky Feets taking them out in the semifinal; this season they've looked unbeatable, not to mention the injuries they inflict. I can't see our side improving significantly from the defeat to them in Week 12, so it's hard to know where any extra edge would come from. Although next time they probably won't have a wardancer.

S!: Which player in this league do you think is going to have the most profound impact on their team down the stretch? What about the playoffs?

Æ: It's difficult to know which teams will make the playoffs even at this stage, but I think the most important player for any team right now is Lupus "Patches" at the Plagues. Most teams can survive even without their lead star, but the Plagues seem to lean on Lupus heavily, and even their other werewolf has dropped out of the picture a bit.

Another one to watch is Elvish Blackbeard of BEERd, who's had a quietly impressive season in a struggling team.

S!: If you had to give one piece of advice to a new coach in this league, what would it be?

Æ: I suppose the main thing is not to let losses discourage you. The Sabres were terrible for a lot of last season and Tinwe have done badly for much of this one but both teams are now posting scoring records. I'd also stress the importance for a new team of an apothecary, and any fan factor you can afford! They'll repay investment many times over.

2012-10-25, 02:08 PM
KO! Magazine

The Cockroach of News

No, we're not out of red ink [actually, we are – Ed], we're just in MOURNING after all the tragedies befalling some of our favourite Blood Bowl stars these last couple of weeks.

First to fall was everybody's favourite swimwear model, and one of the greatest contributors to the art of greenskin ballet, George, the Fancy Lads blitzer. We are particularly disappointed, as we were planning to run a feature on the interior decoration of George's mansion next week! Still, all is not lost, as we've been able to procure exclusive access to the bushes at George's funeral, so look out for our TASTEFUL supplement on the ceremony as he's finally laid to rest.

Meanwhile, defending cup champions the Red Sabres are in SHOCK following their defeat to Hellbug's Heroes and the loss of veteran lineman N. Rico Gleyzass. Rico was a favourite of ours here at KO! and we're all sorry to see that he's gone for good. Meanwhile RECRIMINATIONS have been flying around the Sabres camp about the defeat! We put Bill and Brenda on the case to find out what's going on!

A number of players are believed to BLAME superstar catcher Morr E.N. Tezz for the defeat! For the second week running, M.E.N.T., one of the greatest human catchers in recent times, was nothing like his usual self! Some of the Sabres players apparently suspect he was POISONED before the match, although others say it had more to do with him being out BOOZING the night before!

While M.E.N.T. was busy LOSING the Sabres the match, three angry fans BESIEGED the offices of the MVP selectors, claiming that the awards were FIXED! Despite his lacklustre performance, M.E.N.T. was awarded the MVP for the second week in a row, and the third time in four weeks!These fans DEMAND that not only are the MVP selectors fired, but that former captain Fredo D. Stefani be reinstated as captain! Not sure they're in the right place for that!

In the final, there's not much eye-candy on display, but we can be assured of lots of violence, as the two hardest-hitting teams in the league come head to head! We asked an anonymous expert for his opinion on how the final's going to go!

Dey's gonna smash!

KO! are also delighted to announce a GIVEAWAY of tickets for the cup final! Just write in with your name, address and bank details and you'll be put into our PRIZE DRAW for ringside seats! You might even get to maim one of your favourite players as they get pushed into the crowd!

It's been a great season, folks! Until next time!

Next week: Artemis, George and Danforth love triangle tragedy!

Player Swap Week:

KO! Magazine

The Magazine That Wouldn't Die

It's Blood Bowl PLAYER SWAP time, with the various league teams CHOPPING and changing their stars to try to get the best possible deal in time to secure playoff qualification!

We've taken the opportunity to answer a few burning questions that have come up from our fans and staff! We'll hand you over to our sports team, Brenda Muller and Terry Farquhait!

1.Where is **** the Destroyer buried?

We looked up ****'s death certificate, which told us he was buried under one of the Great Pyramids at Khemri four thousand years ago! If you're thinking of paying your respects, Crypt Cruises offers a special deal for a tour of the Land of the Dead and will take a family of four for a very reasonable 2,400 gold pieces. The tour lasts for two weeks out of Copher and includes stops at Zandri, Khemri, Lybaras and Nagashizzar. Liability for injury, mysterious illness, infection with vampirism or grave rot, loss of personal property or soul, death and undeath is excluded. No pets.

2.Is the Crow Curse real?

A subject of great controversy! We at KO! say not only is the curse REAL but that league manager Crow is manipulating it for his own SHIFTY ends! In this week's Spike! Magazine, Crow's feature (which incidentally totally RIPPED OFF our own "six questions" idea!) has backed the Red Sabres to defeat his own team, the Styx Rivermen, and for misfiring thrower Fernand O.E. Arrow to claim more passes, which can only be an attempt to make sure the Sabres lose and Fernand is KILLED. His preview of the matchup between the Lads and the Plagues also suggests the Lads will win, meaning the Plagues' wolves will RIP the orcs apart and reduce the competition against the Rivermen in the playoffs!

3.Who's the hottest member of Die Valkyrie?

A question from a reader, this one, so thanks for the write-in, Mr F.D. Stefani. We put our star reporter Bill Moroni on the case, and after a week of RIGOROUS, round-the-clock surveillance of the Valkyries, he's reported back that he just finds it impossible to choose between them! KO! are in negotiations to produce a swimsuit calendar of the team for the coming year, so maybe you can take a look over that when it's produced and make your own mind up!

3. Will Valinor Silvrenruth last the season?

Valinor is a fan favourite, and a favourite of the staff here at KO! Magazine too! But since his fractured skull earlier this season he just hasn't been the same, and he seems increasingly VULNERABLE to injury! We certainly hope he can make it! To keep his spirits up, we've sent him a good luck card, signed by all of us here at KO! And chief editor Dezz has told us that at the end of the season there'll be an awards party, with a special cake for Valinor! We're all rooting for you here!

4. Will The Johnnys' Quest be signing Fred Johns for the swap week?

It's pretty obvious to us here at KO! that Fred was always meant to join the Johnnys and it was just an administrative error that saw him join the Iron Giants at the start of the season. So we say YES, this is the perfect opportunity to rectify that mistake! The Johnnys could certainly use some more air power, and Fred is the man to provide it!

5. Is Sessrumnir's new nickname a cynical marketing ploy?

Rampage! would have us believe that the new nickname "Lightning!" given to their star thrower Sessrumnir is as a response to the terraces, but KO! aren't fooled! Since the name update, sales of Sessrumnir replica kit have SOARED by eight per cent, with every gold piece of that going into the Rampage! coffers! Watch out for the team changing names of their other players over the next couple of weeks, and other teams following their lead! We have only one piece of advice – don't be a SUCKER! Our financial editor Bernard "May" Doff has a new book out on how to spot and avoid exactly this sort of scam, available at all good bookshops for $300.00!

Next week: Fashion tips of The Fancy Lads!

Week 8 (All-Stars):

KO! Magazine

All-Star Edition!

This week it's All-Star week, and each of the coaches in the league are putting forward their nominations for players to BATTLE it out for divisional supremacy! Not to be OUTDONE, here at KO! We're also asking our reporters and local celebrities to nominate players for our KO! All-Star Team!

Here are our panellists' picks!

First up are our sports reporters:

My first pick for the All-Star match has to be Crazy Redbeard of BEERd. Of all the players who haven't carried the ball this season, I gather that Redbeard has carried it the most, and that has to be recognised.

My second nomination is Gjallarhorn of Rampage! People wrote him off after his injury, but he's back as strong as ever, and he hasn't let it damage his performance in the slightest. Respect, Gjallarhorn!

Mrs Scaggs of The Fancy Lads follows in a long tradition of great Lads Black Orcs, and she hasn't let the team down with her performance so far! We're all looking forward to seeing MORE of her!

To make sure the orcs get some proper representation, I'm also putting forward Donnar of Clan Hel, from Green IS Your Enemy!. GIYE have been the dominant blocking and running force of the season and Donnar has been right at the heart of it.

My first nomination for the All-Stars has to be the legendary Count Luthor von Drakenborg. His blocking is just unsurpassed; his defence of the line of scrimmage unparalleled in the modern game.

For my second pick, I want to make sure the team has some decent passing capability, so I'm going to select leading thrower Count Luthor von Drakenborg. His uncanny eye should ensure that no defensive gap goes unpunished.

A real treat now, as our chief editor and owner, "Richer, Dirtier" Dezz puts forward his nominations:

I'm a big fan of Tinwë United so I'm going to put one of their players forward to start with, and the statsmonkeys tell me that Hâllind Mōr is their leading light.

Second, I think the team might need a fast catcher to run in the touchdowns, so I'm going to nominate Hugh Menz of the Iron Giants. He really impressed me with his interception in the first match and he's the key member of a side currently taking Division A by storm.

Next we have one of the most popular music correspondents on the airwaves, and a Blood Bowl expert to boot!

Radio Bash Bash would be proud to nominate:

Fodder 6 (Narchon Tarchol)
Fodder 7 (Other John Green)

These players really love playing BB... so much that even death couldn't stop them playing! Their fans love them! (Narchon Tarchol's vidow changed her favorite team to follow him!)

One is an elf and another is a wood elf, but they put aside their cultural differences to play together as a new family!

And please don't listen to who insinuates that there is a loving affair between the two of them!

Now, one of the leading live commentators in the sport today, Casey McCall of SportsNight!

The KO! legal department are unable to recommend that Mr McCall's contribution to this week's article be published, due to the risk of litigation it would present for obscenity, defamation, and very possibly, in some jurisdictions, high treason.

For the sake of clarification, KO! would like to make clear that Mr McCall absolutely did not suggest that he'd like to see Die Valkyrie play an invitational game of Dungeonbowl, and that he had a suitable pitch ready for them in his basement.

Yours faithfully

Sue, Grabbitt & Runn
Legal Advisors to KO!

And finally, to round out our team, we ran a lottery in the office, to see which lucky staff member got to pick our last two players!

My first pick for the All-Stars has to be Bull the Butcher of the Styx Rivermen. He's a true star, and the most feared player in the game.

Second is Morr E.N. Tezz of the Red Sabres. He's really come to life this season, and his demolition of the Johnnys was a joy to watch. He might be a star on the wane after that injury last week, but he's a star all the same.

Morr E.N. Tezz (artist's impression)

So there we have it, our KO! All-Star XVI, ready to take on the BEST in the game!

1.Crazy Redbeard
3.Mrs Scaggs
4.Donnar of Clan Hel
5.Count Luthor von Drakenborg
6.Count Luthor von Drakenborg
7.Hâllind Mōr
8.Hugh Menz
9.Narchan Tarchol (Fodder 6)
10.Other John Green
13.Bull the Butcher
14.Morr E.N. Tezz

<Editor's note: It's been pointed out to us that XVI is 16, not 14, but we don't have time to do another interview before this is due in print, so just make up your last two!>

Next week: Elvish Blackbeard's dye secret revealed!

Week 7:

KO! Magazine

Spent too long at the pub last week

Another exciting week of Blood Bowl in the works, as we approach the season's halfway point and the lead-up to All-Star Week! Here at KO! we're all keen to see the best of the league's players fighting it out, but we're EQUALLY excited to bring you the DIRT on what's going on with the teams the rest of the time! We've sent our top reporter Bill Moroni out to bring you the news, this week accompanied by Terry Farquhait while Brenda Muller enjoys a holiday in sunny Sylvania!

There's certainly something interesting going on in the lead-up to the Rampage! - Valkyrie match this week! KO! are exclusively able to bring you news of the RELATIONSHIP between Valkyrie catcher and jungle queen Skeggjöld and Rampage! veteran and ice, er, king, Valaskjalf! The pair have been careful to keep any real evidence of their relationship under wraps, but KO! has once again uncovered the TRUTH!

The two already had a lot in common. They're both of Norse extraction, both of them play Blood Bowl, and at the start of the season they both chose the number EIGHT for their team, presumably as part of a SECRET CODE. What's more, Valaskjalf has rushed exactly 16 yards this season, which is eight times two! Perhaps wedding bells, and a honeymoon pillage, are on the cards!

But watch out, Valaskjalf! Skeggjöld has only earned EIGHT SPPs so far this season, so maybe she's not counting on him being around for so much longer! She's also been putting in some extra training recently learning how to OFF-LOAD the ball – perhaps she's planning on OFF-LOADING some other DEAD WEIGHT sometime soon!

So keep an eye on these two in this week's game, because either way there are bound to be some FIREWORKS!

Meanwhile, the Red Sabres have come in for some criticism over the last couple of weeks! We managed to catch up with a couple of their players for EXCLUSIVE interviews!

N. Rico Gleyzass (Artist's Impression)

KO!: What do you make of the comments on DJ Blitz's show this week?

NRG: I don't listen to it. I get enough of Fredo's singing in the showers after training sessions.

KO!: A bunch of fans said your last game wasn't spectacular enough.

NRG: Well, they're idiots. We've won a few matches, which is more than we were doing at this point last season.

KO!: But don't you think the fans are entitled to expect more from the cup champions?

NRG: No. We're here to win matches, and that's what we're trying to do. We lost half that cup-winning side to injury or retirement, and we have to rebuild.

KO!: What about the suggestion that you should hire a cheerleader?

NRG: If you can show me a cheerleader who can rush a hundred yards and score a hat-trick, I'll get Lou and Ricky to sign her tomorrow. Until then, we'll get some cheerleaders when it's the right decision for the team, and that's that. Just because the fans want to see some <removed on the advice of KO! legal team> because they aren't <ditto> the <ditto> useless <ditto> ugly <ditto> doesn't mean the team should suffer to gratify their <ditto>.

KO!: Do you think it's a good idea to insult your own fans quite this much in print?

NRG: It's alright. Most of them don't know how to read.

Meanwhile, we spoke to new signing for this season, Rick S.T. Lee, about comments made by league manager Crow.

Rick S. T. Lee (Artist's Impression)

KO!: How are you finding the team so far, Rick?

RSTL: It's been good so far. I'm not getting quite the time on the pitch I'd like, but obviously the more experienced players need to be on the field where possible.

KO!: As a new arrival, what do you make of Crow's comments about Fredo D. Stefani and his use of performance-enhancing drugs?

RSTL: I don't know anything about any performance-enhancers. Nobody on the team would do anything like that. We just eat the diet the coach gives us, and if it happens to glow a little, so be it.

KO!: What about Fredo's drop in performance this season? Crow reckons you should drop him.

RSTL: He's still the heart and soul of the team. Some of the other players have improved now, but it's all built around Fredo.

KO!: So you won't be dropping him just yet.

[b]RSTL: No, we're never going to give him up.

But they might have to this week, folks, because they're taking on the might of Maim Kill Burn, a team who do exactly what it says on the tin! See you next time!

Next week: BEERd cheerleaders audition – exclusive photoshoot!

Week 5:

KO! Magazine

Enter our prize draw for matching toilet roll holder.

It's the end of the first quarter, Blood Bowl fans, and there's been a lot of DISCUSSION about what surprises some of the teams are planning to SPRING! We've sent our reporters Bill Moroni and Brenda Muller out to get a ROUND-UP of the news!

After the announcement earlier this week that the Red Sabres are going to be hiring a BIG star, we thought we'd dig around to find out who! The Sabres have already hired new Blitzer Mal D. Nie, but we don't think he's who the team were talking about!

Mal D. Nie (artist's impression)

We've been keeping our ear to the ground and we think that fans are in for a real SURPRISE. At least, until we break the story right now! We've managed to get exclusive access to the Sabres' star!

KO!: Thanks for coming to see us.

Count Luthor von Drakenburg: Nein problem.

KO!: How long have you been "back"?

LvD: I arose a few days ago. I vos getting hungry. Has anyone ever told you you haff beautiful blood wessels?

KO!: Er, no.

LvD: Vell, it is true. Zat carotid artery, it is... to die for!

KO!: Thanks, I guess. Are you looking forward to the match this week?

LvD: Oh ja, I alvays enjoy votching ze Blood Bowl. I haf heard gut things about ze Patched Plagues zis year, zey seem to be qvite ze contenders.

Count Luthor in action a few years ago.1

KO!: How about on the field? It's been a while since you saw any action.

LvD: Ja, it has been a vhile, but it doesn't take long to get back into ze sving of zings. A bit of practice and I vill sharpen up nicely I'm sure.

KO!: Are you looking forward to working with the Red Sabres?

LvD: Ze Red Sabres? Vot?

KO!: Aren't you playing for them this week?

LvD: Nein, nein. I haven't played for a human team since, vot, third edition?

KO!: Oh, right. Well, sorry to have bothered you in that case.

LvD: Not at all. Say, vhy don't you join me for a... bite to eat?

KO!: Very kind of you!

LvD: Do not vorry. Ze pleasure is all mine.

Thanks to the Count for his hospitality and understanding. Brenda certainly seems to have enjoyed her lunch – she hasn't been quite the same since!

So, the MYSTERY over the star player remains! No such mystery though for Hellbug's Heroes, who this week CONFESSED to involvement in a series of unsolved pillages along the coast of Ulthuan over the off-season! A report of the admission has been sent to the Ulthuan authorities and to the league commissioner Crow, so we'll have to see if any ACTION will be taken against them! But since The Johnnys' Quest RANSACKED the Heroes' endzone earlier this season, perhaps we'll just forgive and FORGET!

Meanwhile our millinery sources report to us that Fancy Lads owner houlio has ordered himself a new HAT to celebrate his team's recent string of success. We'll have to see if the hat will bring the team any LUCK against their Norse opponents this week!

Finally, as requested last week, we've got a picture of Valinor Silvenruth for you! This one was sent in by an anonymous fan, and shows Valinor celebrating his second touchdown against Green IS Your Enemy last week. Keep it up, and we might be looking to hire you as one of our in-house artists!

Valinor Silvenruth celebrating.

Until next time!

Next week: Tinwë United finally dodge something – their taxes!

1Picture from 'The Art of Fantasy Football (http://fantasyfootballart.blogspot.co.uk/)'.

Week 4:

KO! Magazine

No barrel left unscraped!

This week the world of Blood Bowl was ROCKED by complaints from reader Maria Weisehaus about the SUGGESTIVE name of The Johnnys' Quest, one of the top teams in the current season. We sent our reporters Bill Moroni and Brenda Muller to have a chat with Fraulein Weisehaus and see what the problem was.

KO!: So what exactly is your problem with the team name The Johnnys' Quest?

Maria Weisehaus: It's just rude, isn't it. It's obvious innuendo, and I don't think it's appropriate.

KO!: Why not?

MW: Well, there might be kiddies watching. It's just filth.

KO!: What aspect of the name you object to?

MW: It's that *word*. Quest. It conjurs up all sorts of inappropriate images of people going off and slaying dragons and retrieving treasure and so on. It's not a healthy message for kiddies.

KO!: What about the violence in Blood Bowl? Aren't you concerned about children watching that?

MW: I don't know anything about that. I don't watch the sport, I've got much better things to do. But I saw this name in the results list and knew that something had to be done. Won't somebody think of the children?

With this CONDEMNATION ringing in our ears, we headed over to Quest HQ for a comment, but there was nobody available to speak to us! Sounds like they have something to hide!

With nobody from the Quest prepared to talk to us, we were able to secure an EXCLUSIVE interview with top Red Sabres star S. "Fab" Rickas to see what he makes of this SCANDAL.

S. "Fab" Rickas (artist's impression)

KO!: What do you make of the complaints about the name of one of the teams in this league?

S. "Fab" Rickas: This is the first I've heard of it.

KO!: Maria Weisehaus has been saying that the name of The Johnnys' Quest is rude and inappropriate for children.

SFR: Actually, now you point that out... *laughs*. I'll have to tell the rest of the guys about that, hur hur.

KO!: So you agree?

SFR: Well, this is Blood Bowl, isn't it? For some reason it's ok to watch grown men and elves beating each other into a pulp, but someone comes along with a name like (laughing) The Johnnys' Quest and suddenly everyone's up in arms. It's ridiculous.

KO!: So you think there should be less violence in the game?

SFR: I didn't say that. Although if our opponents were prepared to be less violent it would make our lives a lot easier, I suppose. It's harder to hit someone if they're trying to hit you back.

So it seems Frau Weisehaus will be disappointed this week, but she's not finished. She's going to take this all the way to the league commissioner! She's already got Rivermen stars **** the Destroyer and Long John Hardcock to sign her petition to get their boss to BAN the Quest, so we'll have to see how far this one goes!

Meanwhile, we've had a letter this week from a fan!

Hi KO! I'm a huge fan of your journalism and integrity and the way you're prepared to tackle the stories nobody else will touch! I'd also like it if you could print some pictures of Valinor Silvrenruth as I'm a big fan of his, even after his fractured skull! Is there any chance I can have his number?
Glad someone appreciates our work! We're always happy to help out a fan, and we agree that Valinor's a hottie, even after that nasty head wound last week! Lord Silvrenruth's number at Tinwë United is 1. That number again – 1. Good luck!

See you next time, folks!

Next week: Kaldsorfan the Unstoppable Stopped! (For speeding).

Week 3:

KO! Magazine

Bringing you the story so far behind the story, you're not sure if it's even there

It's time for another week of Blood Bowl, and that means GOSSIP. We've sent our crack reporting team, Brenda Muller and Bill Moroni, out to see what they can find!

Following last week there were THREATS of an investigation into the Styx Rivermen after it was admitted by league manager Crow that he was abusing his position as League Manager to place curses against opposing teams! But following a sting during which the case officers opened up Crow's crypt to seize incriminating documents, everyone involved has since fallen victim to a series of bizarre accidents and illnesses, and the file has officially been closed! Serves them right, we say, for POKING their noses where they're not wanted!

This week fans were in JUBILANT mood following the news from the Valkyrie camp that last season's favourite star player, Helmut Wulf, would be returning for their league match against the Red Sabres!

Wulf in action last season for RAWR. Picture from a better artist than anyone we have in house.1

Wulf played several matches ALONGSIDE the Sabres last year so he should have some INSIGHT into the way they play. We sent an expendable reporter along to interview Mr Wulf ahead of the game.

KO!: What's it going to be like facing off against your former Sabres team-mates?

Helmut Wulf: What are you doing in my garden?

KO!: Would you say it's more "exciting" or "difficult"?

HW: Seriously, I've got this chainsaw. You have until I rev it up to get off my property.

KO!: Are you able to offer your new team any insight into the Sabres' plans?

*sounds of rapidly approaching chainsaw*
Congratualations to Dave that reporter for sticking with it until the bitter end! And it certainly will be a BITTER end for his widow when she sees the size of the compensation cheque!

Meanwhile, we met up with Sabres star L.N. Rickman for his view on things!

L.N. Rickman (artist's impression)

KO!: Correct us if we're wrong, L.N., but aren't you the least accomplished member of the Sabres team?

LNR: That's a bit unfair. I played every match last season.

KO!: But you didn't inflict a single casualty, and didn't handle the ball at all.

LNR: That is true, but I did make all the tea. It's an important job, and I make sure it looks even more important than it is.

KO!What do you think about Helmut Wulf joining Die Valkyrie for this match?

LNR: He can play for whoever he likes. So long as I can stay out of the way of his chainsaw, I might even make him a cup of tea at half-time, for old times' sake.

KO!: And what about him being cooped up in a changing room with a team full of scantily clad women?

LNR: Good luck to him!

FURY there from the Sabres lineman! Clearly a real GRUDGE match this week between these two teams! And plenty of other tasty lineups across the board, none tastier than The Johnnys' Quest! So it's goodbye for another week from Blood Bowl's CLASSIEST magazine!

Next week: Dor of Clan Manaka – secret Clan Tergoth past!

1Picture from ' The Art of Fantasy Football' blog

Week 2:

KO! Magazine

Official knackers-yard floggers by appointment to His Majesty since 2011

After a tense first week of the Blood Bowl league, we at KO! have been astonished by the CONTROVERSIAL decision by Dwarf team BEERd to field a WIZARD for their next match. Dwarfs and magic historically don't get on well, ever since the first wizard to attend a Blood Bowl match zapped one of the Azgal Avengers and made his beard stand on end! We sent our crack reporting team (Brenda Muller and Bill Moroni) out to find out more...

It turns out that Beerd owner Ybot has a pretty UNUSUAL history, and last season he used to own an elf team! The former team, the Trees, has a suspiciously similar name to new team Beerd, both including the same number of letters and a double E. If you put them next to a mirror there are even more similarities!

Could it be, then, that apparently stalwart Dwarfs Beerd are really elves in disguise? If this is true, which it is, then this would be totally against Blood Bowl rules and we'd urge the independent review commission to take a look at Beerd's dealings!

We asked a Beerd fan what he thought of this REVELATION!

KO! What do you make of the allegations that Beerd are secretly elves?

Fan: Did you spill my beer?

KO! When were your suspicions first raised? Was it the name Elvish Blackbeard?

Fan: Because if you did, you're going to pay for it.

KO! Of course, his cover must have been blown pretty quickly, because everyone knows elves can't grow beards!

***At this point the fan, clearly outraged by our revelations, pulled out an axe, presumably to take vengeance against the misleading marketing campaigns run by Beerd, and not at all to do with any XXXXXX that might somehow have got knocked over. Our reporters beat a discretionary retreat***

With these SHOCKING new facts, we approached a player of equally staunch anti-wizard lobbyists Maim Kill Burn for its view. Obviously he can't be named for legal reasons.

KO! So, what do you think about Beerd hiring a wizard?

MKB: It's a bloody disgrace. If we had the money to afford a bloody wizard, we probably wouldn't hire one, and even if we did there's a chance we wouldn't even bloody play him! Bloody Dwarfs... bloody... blood

KO! So you're not happy with Beerd's decision?

Whoops, it looks like we got some unauthorised advertising in there, folks. Shame on you, Maim Kill Burn, for trying to slip that into an interview and thinking we wouldn't notice! Also, our condolences to the family of that interviewer, who can't be named for legal reasons as if so it might prove we owed a duty of care to protect him from notorious reporter-slaughtering maniacs. Turns out you live and learn. Or not, in Bob's his case!

Finally, we approached the team most directly affected by the controversy – the Red Sabres. Captain N. Senn Ricky was in belligerent mood.

"I don't really care if they bring a wizard or not. We'll still beat them, unless we don't. I'm not really holding out any great expectations at this stage. The first half of our seasons are always terrible anyway."

N. Senn Ricky (artist's impression)

FIGHTING words from the Sabres captain there! And that's us done for another week. Check out KO! next week for more top breaking stories that nobody else will bring you!

Next week: Lycan "claws": Werewolf or Wolfwere?!

Week 1

KO! Magazine

Putting the "gutter" back in the gutter press!

Here at KO! we're all really excited about the new Blood Bowl season, especially with some of the juicy gossip that's been going on off the field! This week Houlio, owner of Orc aces The Fancy Lads, accused two of the players of team rivals the Red Sabres of being ex-cons.

I have always thought that "Fat" Ronald and Fredo D. Stefani were ex-convicts charged with homicide.
Inflammatory stuff from the Lads owner! We put our best reporters, Brenda “Braindead” Muller and Bill “Moron” Moroni on the case. This is the team who last year uncovered the involvement of the Gonzalo brothers in a series of high-profile Emmental thefts!1

So, is there any truth in Houlio's ACCUSATION? You know what we say at KO! No smoke without fire!

We caught up with a close childhood pal of “Fat” Ronald, one of the Sabres blitzers under investigation.

“Fat” Ronald (artist's impression)

KO!: How long have you known Ronald?

This Guy: I don't, really. I saw him down the pub once.

KO!: What did you think of him?

TG: Difficult to say, really. I didn't speak to him, just got his autograph.

KO!: When did you last see him?

TG: In the cup semi-final. He was beating some wood elf into the floor.

KO!: So you'd say that he has a tendency towards violence? A criminal tendency?

TG: I dunno, maybe. Probably. It's what you want in a Blood Bowl player, innit?

Meanwhile Brenda was digging into the past of these two players, and it turns out it's pretty SHADY. “Fat” Ronald grew up in Bostheim, and Fredo D. Stefani was born and raised in Tauntsdorf... two towns which are roughly almost exactly the same distance from the famous PRISON for the violent HMP Clink.

Fredo D.Stefani (artist's impression)

With evidence mounting, we approached a former colleague of the Sabres blitzers to get his opinion. To protect his anonymity against the prospect of possible violent REPRISALS we have concealed the name of our source.

KO!: What do you think of Ronald and Fredo?

Anonymous source: Dey's gonna smash!

Finally, we confronted Sabres assistant coach Lou E. van Gall with our findings.

KO!: Is it true that Ronald and Fredo are ex-cons?

LvG: What are you talking about?

KO!: So you don't deny it?

LvG: Er. Look, do you actually have any evidence for this assertion at all?

KO!: We've got lots of innuendo and hearsay, which are a *kind* of evidence.

LvG: Get out of my office.

So there you have it, folks! Lou E. van Gall has REFUSED to acknowledge the accusations, which as we all know means they must be true. Another exclusive for our peerless reporting team! Bringing you the truth about Blood Bowl when nobody else will!

Next issue: Secret love child of Bull the Butcher tells all!

1 Following an out-of-court settlement for $300,000 and several of our editorial staff turning up dead with gnaw-marks, these allegations were later dropped.

2012-10-30, 03:34 PM
Orca-Cola Weekly Magazine

Oke® The Real Thing
Another week of this Bloodbowl cup is coming up, another magnificent opportunity to see how much pain can a body endure before snapping for good!

And talking about pain, we can start from our interview with Krun, the blitzer from Green IS your Enemy that, despite a promising career in the minor leagues, didn't last that long when the game got serious, and had to abandon professional blodbowl after a debilitating injury!

O-C: How are you doing here at the Splinterbone center for treatment of sport injuries?

Krun: Krun is angry!

O-C: Angry? That's probably due the poor performance during your last match! Did you expect to go down like a goblin would have?

Krun: Incoherent mumbling

O-C: Ok, let's shift the subject a bit, what do you think of Mowhawk Redbeard, the Troll Slayer that put an end to your season?

Krun: He got Lucky! I was just checking if my shoes were tied and he hit me on my head!

O-C: Err... But din't you wear boots, like the rest of your team?

Krun: ...

O-C: Oook, nevermind. Leaving professional bloodbowl must have been an hard choice for you. How did you think your team will cope with a missing player in a key position?


O-C: But... isn't your collar bone injury quite debilitating, expecially for someone who is supposed to be in the thick of action?


O-C: Well, dear readers, sadly Krun fell of its hospital bed while trying to reach for this reporter, and judging from the moans probably broke one of his legs in the process. Oh, and heres the goblin surgeon hurrying to the room with a big handsaw, probably attracted by the noise. I guess it's amputation time!

Hehe, we will surely miss the bloodthirsty attitude of Krun, but the game has to move on! And we are all curious to see how Green IS your Enemy is going to do it. They are down to 10 Orks and facing Die Valkyrie who, despite losing, put up a remarkable show in their first game. Oddly Docnessuno refused to hire a journeyman to fill in the hole in his team's formation, but there is a good chance that he just wanted to avoid an enraged fan sneaking in and trying to eviscerate him!

There are some voices running around about Green IS your Enemy saving inducement money ho hire a true Star, both to increase their chance of success and to quench the fans. Also our secret informer warned us about some "special attentions" Docnessuno is dedicationg to Leslie, the Black Ork Blocker his team aquired at the beginning of the season. Let's just hope they are cooking up some special tactics, otherwishe THEY will be cooked up by the crowd!

And that's all for this week!

2012-11-02, 08:36 AM
Always stay tuned to Radio Bash Bash and welcome to the Groupie's Corner!

Week 1:
Finally, we fans of Blood Bowl also have our own space, where talk about them, our favorite bone-crushing, and plays songs dedicated to these great teams!


Before starting with the rankings of this week, here are a few letters of admirers!

Cleopatra wrote:

"It is true that Tom Gravy can crack a coconut with its hands?"

Yes dear Cleo, with just one hand ... often with the help of the head of an opponent :)

Here's a question from Alexiel Tarchol for the manager of the Tinwë United:

"Since I became a widow, can I change my subscription to your team for a subscription to Patched Plagues?"

Er ... I think the lawyers of the Tinwë United are still discussing these formalities ...

But back to our music!

The top 5 of the week:

5th place: "Every dodge you make" by Stinger and Kowen!

Yes dear friends, blitzers of Stinky Feet are back, after discovering their new vocation!

4th position: "Do you really want to hurt him?" Boy Khorne, for the sixth week in the standings!

3rd place: "We will block you" by Fredo D. Stefani!

Yeah! Not only a great blitzer, but also a singer of undoubted quality!

2nd place: "Khorne Chameleon" by Boy Khorne! This is really a great half-demon! His new hit is already in second place!

And finally ...

1st place: "Block like a Tomb Guardian" of K.H.E.M.R.I. (Killer Hater Eater Mangler Ripper Improved)!

To you guys, and see you next week!

All the old paintings on the tombs
They show a killing, don'cha know?
If they dodge too quick (Oh-Way-Oh)
They're falling down like a domino

And the lizard man by the Styx
He got the money on a bet
GOLD crocodiles (Oh-Way-Oh)
They snap their teeth on a cigarette

Foreign types with their hookah pipes sing:
Block like a Tomb Guardian.

The blonde amazons take a breath
Spin around and drop stunned on the floor.
They've got the moves (Oh-Way-Oh)
You drop the ball what mighty blows…

All zombie kids so sick of bones
They like the brains and the metal band
When the necro calls (Oh-Way-Oh)
They're blockin’ like an Tomb Guardian

All the fans in the stadium say:
Block like a Tomb Guardian.
Block like a Tomb Guardian.

Week 2:
This weeks big news - here with us there are Stinger and Kowen for an interview! Great!

DJ Blitz: Hello Stinger, hello Kowen! Thanks for coming to Radio Bash Bash!

Kowen: Hello DJ

Stinger: Hello! It's really great to be here!

DJB: So tell us about you ... how did you start ... the public wants to know!

S Well first of all thanks to Leriel ... at the end of last season the team had lost its spirit, but I, Kowen, F.A.S.T. Gonzalo, TP Xan and The One Who Rage did not want to leave the scene ..

K: ... and TP Xan told us about his idea to form a band ...

S ... so Leriel, "da boss", decided to leave the money in the treasury of Stinky Feet to us... to start buying music istruments...

K: Then The One Who Rage proposed starting as Rock Power Death Metal Band ...

S ... no, Rock Power Undead Metal Band ...

K: ... Well then, I and Stinger on guitar, TP Xan on bass, FAST at the battery because the extra arm allowed him to play the drums godly and finally The One Who Rage as a singer. Just ...[Silence]

DJB: What happened?

S Only that he was singing a cover, which says "I've got something to say / I'll kill your baby today ..." and sang wrong ...

K: he said "I'll kill your brother today" ...

S To which F.A.S.T. got up and went away. We have not seen him since.

DJB: Holy ****!

S Yeah... the band broke up, but I and Kowen wanted to continue, and here we are!

DJB: Let's talk about more pleasant things ... it is true that your disc is dedicated to Die Valkyrie?

K: Yes, at first we thought it just to thank Leriel and support his new team ...

S But then Kowen met Hildr [laughs - Kowen gives him a nudge]

DJB: Is your new song dedicated to her then?

K: She especially... but also to all our fans!

Well friends, then let me update you new ranks as Stinger and Kowen prepare ...

5th place: "We will block you" Fredo D. Stefani lost 2 positions!

4th place: "We do not need another re-roll!" by Tina Turnover! A new entry that will kick ***! What a voice!

3rd place: "Every dodge you make" Stinger and Kowen earn a position!

2nd place: "Block like a Tomb Guardian" of Khemri leaves the top of the table!

1st place: "Khorne Chameleon" by Boy Khorne! This half-demon is FABULOUS!

But then Stinger and Kowen are ready, with "Every little block she does is magic"!

Though I've tried before to stop her
On the playfield I was with her in my heart
Every time that I come near her
I just lose my nerve as I've done from the start

Every little block she does is magic
Everything she doe just turns me on
Even though my blitz before was tragic
Now I know new skills for her goes on

Do I have to tell the story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met?
It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting hurt

Every little block she does is magic
Everything she doe just turns me on
Even though my blitz before was tragic
Now I know new skills for her goes on

I resolved to dodge her up
A thousand times a day
Ask her if she'll not block me
In some old fashioned way

But her silent hands has gripped me
Long before I reach her zone
Long before my tongue has tripped me
Must I always be alone

Every little block she does is magic
Everything she doe just turns me on
Even though my blitz before was tragic
Now I know new skills for her goes on

Every little block she does is magic
Everything she doe just turns me on
Even though my blitz before was tragic
Now I know new skills for her goes on

Every little block, every little block
Every little block, every little block
Every little, every little, every little
Every little block she does

Every little block she does
Every little block she does
Every little block she does
Block she does is magic

Every little block, every little block
Every little block she do is magic
Magic, magic, magic, magic, magic...

Week 3:
Hello again from DJ Blitz - always stay tuned to Radio Bash Bash and welcome to the Groupie's Corner!

This week we have a great guest - Hlökk, the PR of Valkyrie!

DJ Blitz: Hail Hlökk, thank you for coming!

Hlökk: Hello DJ and thanks for asking! You're the BEST DJ ever!

DJB: Well, actually I'm the only DJ of Radio Bash Bash...
Nevermind! BB fans are really happy to hear you! You know, your supporter - The Nibelungs - always asked for this interview!

H: And here I am!
First of all thanks to Leriel, who allowed me to stay with the team as PR... last match with Fancy Lads was hard for me...

DJB: What a pity! But I think that Leriel is a little upset with your results...

H: Really... Leriel wanted a team able to survive to violent matches, and this is our greatest results. No kill so far, just my casualty! But as a team...
We started with Styx, when we discovered that our first opponent were the Rivermen we wanted to concede... But Leriel told us to trust ourselves... we were REALLY scared but we manage to survive!

So we faced the Greens with more relax - too much relax. We lost that match, too.

We worked hard and with the help of Helmut and Roxanna we managed to overcome the Sabres - what a match!

But the effort was too much, and Helmut himself was not in good shape... so we faced the Lads tired. Really tired.
Leriel wanted to change the tactics, but we weren't able to do it - so Herfjötur decided to play at the old way... with a good bashing! We're sorry for Susan, but we are sure that the Valhalla is a good place for her!
Finally, Gondul did a great job with her pass.

It was not a good match... But we want to go on! Hail!

DJB: What do you think of the defense and offense rating of your team?

H: I have a report from Leriel...

Offence is a 2/10. We need to improve. The last passing of Gondul was great, but we need to do more in next match!

Defence is a 3/10. We faced strong teams (Styx, Sabres and Lads!!!) but we played bad vs the Green. We need to defence better.

Survival is 6/10. After all, this season is TOUGH!

Casualties is 7/10. We are not a bashing team - but Herfjötur is GREAT!

Overall is 4/10. Blitzer, thrower, catcher - we are really similar. Skavens have Gutter runners (weak but FAST), Khemri have Tomb Guardian (strong but agile like a stone) - we are a brotherhood of surviving gals :)

DJB: Thank you Hlökk! I want to thank you with a song from the Nibelungs! And all of you - wait for next week for the update of your favourite songs! New entries as usual!!!

'kyrie, you're breaking my heart
You're shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Valkyrie, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you please to score more

'kyrie, you're breaking my heart
You're shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Valkyrie, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you please to score more
Score more

Singin' songs in the afternoon for Valkyrie
Up in the stadium (singin' songs)
I got up to wash my face
When I come back again
Someone's taken my place

'kyrie, you're breaking my heart
You're shaking my confidence daily
Oh, Valkyrie, I'm down on my knees
I'm begging you please to score more
Score more

Jubilation, they scored again,
I fall on the floor and I'm laughing,
Jubilation, they scored again,
I fall on the floor and I'm laughing

Week 4:
Oh boys... I feel terrible...
Welcome again to Radio Bash Bash Hello, this is DJ Blitz - oh my, I cannto stand it!

Sorry everyone, but after their winning match vs the BEERd, the Valkyrie organized a party... they planned a quiet party, just some music and some drinks...
But their fans, the Nibelungs, stole 10 barrels of beer from BEERd reserve! It became an rave party... I was invited, too... drank too much! :smalleek:

Good for Die Valkyrie that this is their bye week! Otherwise their boss would get really angry! The Nibelungs were all drunk and stoned! I don't want to know what happened in the dark...

Nevertheless... the top 5... where are my notes? Oh my, what a headache... well, I'll just let you know what new songs we listened yesterday :smallsmile: vote for them!

- Spice Goblins Girls' new hit "If you wannabe my blocker"

- The Deathrolling Stones' old good "I can not block with satisfation"

- Blues Blockers' evergreen "Everybody needs somebody to block"

- Fredo's "I Want to blitz free"

Ok you all, stay tuned... boys the party killed me... Oh I was forgetting

- Hell Bugglers' "Tomb Guardians kill all player stars"!

See ya! And give me some ice...

Week 5:
Today there is a big crowd out here, people!
They are UPSET fans of Blood Bowl, and I, your DJ Blitz, I agree with them!
I welcome a delegation of fans...

"Adilred wonders why the Fan Factor is not increased after their spectacular game...
Spectacular? That game? BOOOO!"

Calm people! I agree but let me speak, coaches need to know the truth!

We want the cheerleaders!
We want the cheerleaders!
We want the cheerleaders!

Let's let speak Drittz, fan of Dark Elves:
"Do you know why we do no more support the Shadow Dancers? Because they have no cheerleaders!"

And after seeing them dance in this video, who dares to say that he's wrong?


And the orcs want their share!
"Bertha 'Fat Bottom' the cheerleader is the best! We never seen a bottom lower than her!"

Even Dwarfs want to talk about this:
"Last week the Nibelungs had a party with the Valkyrie - with our beer! And we? Where are the fat dwarf girls to make a burping contest with?"

Halflings even agrees with them!

And a wood elf suggests:

"Seek blood bowl cheerleaders on groogle(TM), you will see how lucky are the other teams! Crow, this is a SHAME!"

And I too join the chorus:
"Coaches, SHAME ON YOU! Re-rolls: NO!, Cheerleaders: YES! Apothecaries: NO!, Cheerleaders: YES!"

And for the first time, fans of every race are here together to present the ballet of the poor cheerleaders just waiting for a gig!

Here you go, let's look at and listen to them!

I will blitz on him


I will tackle him
Tackle him whereever he may go
And near him I always will be
For nothing can keep me away
He is my destiny

I will blitz on him
Ever since he stripp' ball I knew
There isn't an armor too stiff
A blocker so strong it can keep
Keep me away
Away from this gore

[Moderately Fast Rock]

I'll block him, I'll bash him, I'll hurt him
And where he goes I'll follow, I'll tackle, I'll block him
I will blitz on him
Follow him whereever he may go
There isn't an armor too stiff
A blocker so strong it can keep
Keep me away

We will blitz on him
Follow him whereever he may go
There isn't an armor too stiff
A blocker so strong it can keep
Keep us away
Away from this gore

(I'll block him) Oh yes I'll block him
(I'll follow) I'm gonna follow
True gore, he'll always be my true gore
(Forever) From now until forever
I'll block him, I'll bash him, I'll hurt him
And where he goes I'll follow, I'll tackle, I'll block himw
We'll always be his true gore, his true gore, his true gore
From now until forever, forever, forever
There isn't an armor too stiff
A blocker so strong it can keep
Keep us away
Away from this gore

Week 6:
This week Hlökk, the PR of the Valkyrie, is still our guest! But what happens Hlökk?

Hlökk: (crying) Hello DJ... what a terrible day...

DJ Blitz: What happened?!!

H: Well... Leriel lost his temper and made ​​a scene... He did not expect us to lose again...

DJB: But it's not your fault... The Rampage! are a very strong team...

H: Explain it to Leriel... He was hoping for a draw... instead it went like this... we are the last team standing in division A, and Leriel is really angry...

DJB: Hlökk, do not take it bad... You may not be one of the best teams this season, but believe me: you have the best fan club! Not to mention your cheerleaders, all the other teams envy them! And Stinger and Kowen who dedicate songs and poems! Your Nibelungs that will support whatever happens!

Believe me, I'm on your side!

H: (smiling) Thanks DJ!

DJB: Take my handkerchief and get something to drink... I will read your mid-season report!

Offence is a 2/10. We still need to improve. Gondul is really great, but we need to do more!

Defence is a 3/10. We need to defence better - we cannot allow our opponent to score so many touchdown!

Survival is 7/10. No one of us was killed so far!

Casualties is 6/10. We were expecting at least some KO's vs the Rampage!

Overall is 3/10. We're at the bottom of Division A - but we have a GREAT fun club ^^

Ok everybody, let's meet again after the All Stars game! I have to leave for an interview :smallwink:

Week 7:
This is Mr. Morgan - I'm the boss of DJ Blitz.
This week that **** got stoned after a party from Nibelungs, for Göndul and Skeggjöld of Die Valkyrie.

A message for you, DJ Blitz: YOU ARE FIRED!!! :smallfurious:

Aehm... I'll find a new DJ for next week. :smallannoyed:

Week 8:
Hello everyone, this is Boy Khorne!
Don't worry, I don't want to replace DJ Blitz - I'm here to support him!
I manage to scamper here in Radio Bash Bash studios with Stinger, Kowen, The Nibelungs and a lot of BB fans!
Mr. Morgan, we are here since WE WANT DJ BLITZ BACK!
We will not leave the studios till he's back! YEAH!

And listen to us - we together are singing this song! Dedicated to our friend DJ... You will not get you radio back, Mr. Morgan!

So, so you think you can tell Skaven from Elf,
chaos dwarf from pain.
Can you tell a war-daaaancer from a cold wight undeaaaaad? A ball with a chain?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you tradeeeeeee your re-rolls for what?
Hobgoblins for treeee-men? Thro-ras for weeeeere wolves?
Khorne warriors that change? And did you traaaaaaaaaade
a run on part in the waaaaaaaar for a leader re-roooll in exchaaaaaaange?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost ghouls fighting in a blood bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground. What have we found?
The same rune of fears,
wish you were here.

Week 9:
Hello everyone, this is Boy Khorne, again!
A good new for all:
We persuade Mr. Morgan to hire him again! He listened to the fan (well, supported by a couple of Black Orcs blockers...)
So let's celebrate!
I will sing a song that DJ wanted for all of you for this Christmas!

Slashing through the Orcs
With a good two-handed blade
Over corpses we go
And through the gore we wade
Mace on helmet rings
Making bodies fly
What fun to sing our SLAYING song
And watch these suckers die!

Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

Crashing through the door
Into the dragon's nose
Our mage whips out a Cone of Cold
And out its fire goes!
Elven bowstrings sing
Making balrogs fall
And our thief finds a secret door
Into the treasure hall!

Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

Then appears the Lich
With his demon guard
Our wizard yawns and wishes
We'd run into something HARD...
He begins to cast
His 19th level spell
That damn Lich throws a Gate at us
And drops us all in Hell!

Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

We appear in Hell
In front of Satan's Throne
Our cleric waves us out the door
And takes him on alone!
Satan's legions don't
Want to let us go
Our Techno pulls a bazooka out
And NUKES 'em 'til they GLOW!

Oh, ring their bells with prayers and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold and CRAZED, we're told
To think we'll live the day!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and shells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!
Yes, we'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And drag our loot away!!

Week 10:
Hello everyone, this is your DJ Blitz, back again!

I want to thank you all - thanks to Boy Khorne, to Stinger and Kowen, to the Nibelungs and especially thanks to the two brothers of Clan Manaka - Dor and Karn! The two Black Orc Blockers that were so persuasive with Mr. Morgan!

Well, Dor is busy with training, but we managed to have here Karn for an interview! And guess who's the interviewer? Hlökk of DV!

DJ Blitz: Hi Hlökk! I heard about the swimsuit calendar proposal by KO! magazine!

Hlökk: Hi DJ Blitz! Right... I was number 9 in the rooster, so probably I'll pose for September! Luckily we started as 12 players, so there will be no issues for the calendar... but we must close the contract with KO!, before starting the shooting!

Karn Clan Manaka: Me can convince KO! magazine...

H: I am sure of it! And thanks again for what you did with Mr. Morgan!


H: I suppose it was "You're welcome"...

KCM: Right!

H: OK let's start the interview... can you tell us about your tattoes?

KCM: Clan tattoes, me and brother and all clan!

H: OK, but what's represent?

KCM: (Pointing at his forehead) This is for thick head! (Pointing at his arm) This is for strength! (Pointing at his...) This is for...

H: OK OK we understood! Thanks for explaining!


H: And what about your decision to start playing BB?

KCM: Chief Manaka made peace treat with clan Geeba. Me and brotha wanna bash chief, so he sent us away, and we find DocNessuno who make us BASH HARD!!!!

H: What do you think about Heathecliff playing for DV for next match?

KCM: He told he wants to peep in their looker room...

H: Good to know, I'll inform them...

KCM: I told nothing!!!!

H: Let's go on... what's your plans for the future?

KCM: To bash HARDER than a Tomb Guardian!

H: I see... and what do you suggest to someone who wants to start playing BB?


H: A little gossip... is it true that you'd like to date one of the cheerleaders of DV? Which one?

KCM: ALL OF THEM! I'm not a weak human like Fredo... so... ALL OF THEM IN A ROW!

H: We learn that you like poetry...

KCM: BURP! I'm a poet, too! Listen:
"Oh freddled gruntbuggly/thy micturations are to me/As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes. And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"

(Hlökk and DJ BLitz are on the floor, struggling not to vomit...)

DJB: OK that's... all for this week! Thanks Karn!


Week 11:

Hello all, from DJ Blitz... this is a sad week...

I am close to Die Valkyrie in their mourn. So, let's wait a little in silence, and let's hear this song for Skuld and Gunnr:

On the day that I die,
cut short my finger nails,
that they may not speed the day
when Naglfar sets sails.

On the day that I die,
put shoes upon my feet,
that they safely carry me
to where I and Hel will meet.

On the day that I die,
tell tales of all my deeds;
for this is how I live on
in everyone who heeds.

On the day that I die,
pass a horn around,
make a toast and raise it high,
and lay me in the mound.

On the day that I die,
speak aloud my name;
cattle die and kinsmen die,
what never dies is fame.

On the day that I die,
sing no mournful song;
I go to Gods and Ancestors,
right where I belong.

Week 12:
Welcome back to Groupies' Corner! This is DJ Blitz, with two guests: Hlökk of DV and Zara the Slayer!
You know, it's not a secret that DV are going to hire Zara for their next match vs the Plagues... so let's start with the interview!

DJ Blitz: Hi Zara!

Zara the Slayer: Hi DJ and hi Hlökk!

Hlökk: Hi Zara, thanks for coming! I see that you're happy!

ZtS: True! We Star Player are really BORED! Our managers set the prices for hiring us... they are just too high! How can a team hire a SP if it's cost soooo much? I'd suggest Crow to set an huge discount for teams who write a nice review! 25% is not enough!!!

H: You're right!

ZtS: So I'm really happy to play this match! You know? Good old Morg is getting sad for not playing... and Roxanna is thinking to start acting in burlesque show instead of playing! That's sad!

H: Tell more about you... your story...

ZtS: So... as everyone knows, I was raised by dwarves... they told me that my parents were killed by an evil necromancer. This made me sad, but I never expected that my future...
Well, I went to the college and started playing Blood Bowl. And I found my first boyfriend. And... you know? He wanted to be a vampire! He was just a moron!
One of the teacher was Dr. Rudolph Van RIP. I met him and my life changed.
He told me everything he knew about undead - vampires, mummy, and so.
Do you know that golems must be made assembling parts of 6 different corpses? Sure they have some problems with their mind!!!

DJB: WOW, I never heard this!

ZtS: Me too! The "Monster Hunter Compendium" by Dr. Van RIP became my bible!

H: And what do you suggest to wannabe monster hunter? To read it?

ZtS: Sure, but that's not enough! Here's some suggestion:

1. Purchase the clothes. You must look like a vampire slayer to be a vampire slayer. Leather, high-heels and crucifixes are all part of the job.
2. Learn the moves. Set up a home gym and hone your mixed martial arts skills. Get comfortable with everything from stakes and holy water to crossbows and double-headed axes. It's not worth slaying unless you slay in style.
3. Find the enemy. Hang out in cemeteries and dark alleys. Visit sleazy bars in the sleazy parts of town. Do everything your mother fears you do. Don't stay out of trouble--follow it. When you find it, slay it.

DJB: That's a nice advise! Thanks a lot Zara!

Week 13:

Hello you all! DV managed to qualify for semifinals... and they're going to face the Styx Rivermen!
Zara is going to help DV again... and she wants to share some knowledge about Tomb Guardians...

A Recipe For Fine Mummification
Lay body on a stone slab.
Insert long metal instrument with hook through nostrils and pull brains out. Rinse brain cavity with palm wine.
To open torso, carefully slit skin of left flank with sharp stone knife.
Withdraw all vital organs through opening: heart, intestines, liver, lungs, and so forth. Set aside.
Rinse body cavity thoroughly with palm wine; rinse again with spice infusion. Pack body cavity with herbs and spices, especially myrrh and cassia.
To purify flesh, immerse body in oils and resins for no fewer than 40 days. Treat organs with spice and oils. Place treated lungs, liver, stomach, and intestines in individual Canopic jars of stone or alabaster, with stoppers.
Test body for doneness. When all flesh has been dissolved and naught but skin and bones remains, wash body again.
Plump body and face with bags of myrrh and cinnamon for a natural look.
Important: Return heart (center of intelligence and feeling) to chest. Return kidneys to abdominal cavity also, if desired.
Sew body incision if desired. Leave small opening so heart may be withdrawn for testing in the underworld.
Anoint body with scented oils, or treat with resin, or both.
Wrap body with strips of linen treated with gum. Enclose scarab over heart, along with other protective amulets.
Place mask over head.
Place Scrolls of the Dead between thighs so deceased can reach them easily in the underworld.
Place body inside series of coffins, including outer sarcophagus made of stone.
Store upright in a cool, dark place.

2012-11-14, 12:15 PM
The all-time tables, as of All-Star Week.

1|Tom Gravy|Thro-Ra|Styx Rivermen|I-II|66
2|Bull the Butcher|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I|I-II|58
3|Sessrumnir|Thrower|Rampage!, All-Stars I|I-II|54
4|Morr E.N. Tezz|Catcher|Red Sabres|I-II|53
5|F.A.S.T. Gonzalo|Gutter Runner|Stinky Feets, All-Stars I|I|52

1|Tom Gravy|Thro-Ra|Styx Rivermen|I-II|18
2|Sessrumnir|Thrower|Rampage!, All-Stars I|I-II|17
3|F.A.S.T. Gonzalo|Gutter Runner|Stinky Feets, All-Stars I|I|11
4|Morr E.N. Tezz|Catcher|Red Sabres|I-II|10
5|Feet|Catcher|The Trees|I|8
=6|ReAngelo|Skink|Cretaceous Crushers, All-Stars I|I|7
=6|GGGrrrrr|Werewolf|Shambling Horde, All-Stars I|I|7
=6|Hands|Catcher|The Trees|I|7
=9|Anthrax the Aardvark|Pestigor|Hometown Heroollrggh|I|6
=9|Angelo|Skink|Cretaceous Crushers|I|6
=9|Fernand O.E. Arrow|Thrower|Red Sabres|I-II|6
=9|Lupus “Patches”|Werewolf|Patched Plagues|II|6
=9|W. Tell|Thrower|The Fancy Lads|I-II|6

1|Arms|Thrower|The Trees, All-Stars I|I|13
2|Fernand O.E. Arrow|Thrower|Red Sabres|I-II|5
3|Göndul| Thrower|Die Valkyrie|II|4
=4|Tony Hesperaxian|Thrower|Shadow Dancers, All-Stars I|I|3
=4|T.P. Xan|Thrower|Stinky Feets|I|3


1|Bull the Butcher|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I|I-II|23
2|Fredo D. Stefani|Blitzer|Red Sabres, All-Stars I|I-II|14
=3|Mike the Mauler|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen|I|10
=3|**** the Destroyer|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen|I-II|10
5|Long John Hardrock|Skeleton|Styx Rivermen|I-II|8

=1|Mike the Mauler|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen|I|2
=1|Long John Hardrock|Skeleton|Styx Rivermen|I-II|2
=1|John Green|Treeman|The Johnnys' Quest|II|2

1|Bull the Butcher|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I|I-II|12
2|Ned the Annihilator|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen, All-Stars I|I|9
3|Pickaxe Fistinface|Blitz-Ra|Styx Rivermen|I-II|8
=4|**** the Destroyer|Tomb Guardian|Styx Rivermen|I-II|7
=4|Oscar Meyer|Skeleton|Styx Rivermen|I-II|6

=1|Max Saravia|Lineman|Iron Giants|II|1
=1|Hugh Menz|Lineman|Iron Giants|II|1

Rushing Yards:
1|Sessrumnir|Thrower|Rampage!, All-Stars I|I-II|904
2|Tom Gravy|Thro-Ra|Styx Rivermen|I-II|714
3|W. Tell|Thrower|The Fancy Lads|I-II|514
4|GGGrrrrrr|Werewolf|Shambling Horde, All-Stars I|I|500
5|Fernand O.E. Arrow|Thrower|Red Sabres|I-II|418
6|Quicky|Pogoer|Da Gabooms, All-Stars I|I|400
7|Lupus “Patches”|Werewolf|Patched Plagues|II|364
8|F.A.S.T. Gonzalo|Gutter Runner|Stinky Feets, All-Stars I|I|348
9|ReAngelo|Skink|Cretaceous Crushers, All-Stars I|I|324
10|Anthrax the Aardvark|Pestigor|Hometown Herooollrggh|I|316

2012-11-14, 01:28 PM
Iron Giants mid-season report.

The Giants have been up against some of the toughest new teams in this league and have barely pulled through. Near the bottom of the League tables, they have produced one of the reigning Star Player of this season, Max Saravia. We at Inside The Cup, have managed to obtain an exclusive interview with the man himself.

ITC:Well Mr Saravia, let's get the basic questions out of the way, we want to know, did you expect to rise this high in the sport when you came here?

MS: No I did not expect to be reigning head of the SPP tables. To be honest, I helped found the Giants because I loved the sport, I just wanted to play.

ITC: We can respect that, so what do you think of your team, the Giants?

MS: They're a bunch of nice people who are good at the game and enjoy playing, we're all like-minded in that sense, you join because you want to play, not because of prestige or anything like that.

ITC: So, how do you take your team's horrible opening? One draw, two losses and a single win, that is not a good season open by any standards.

MS: Very simply put, we were outclassed. Let's just say that the skill gap between the amateur leagues and the race for the cup, was larger than we expected.

ITC: So you were caught by surprise?

MS: You can say that, the loss to Johnny's Quest was a rude awakening for us and we were in a slump for a while, what with loosing two players that game. *shudders*

ITC: Any fellow players you would like to badmouth, so to speak?

MS: Now that's just rude. Most of our failures was due to tactical incompetence on my end, I'm the closest thing to a team captain we have. The rest? Plain old bad luck.

ITC: Well, thank you for your time Mr Saravia, hope we will be able to talk again.

MS: Your welcome and I hope we will, I hope we will.

Overall grading:

Offence: 5/10.
The Giants have not run into a no score game before, they have an okay offense, either relying on blitzers or well positioned catchers, whatever it is, it works well enough.

Defence: 5/10.
For the sheer fact that they have pulled the first two interceptions in this League, they deserve special mention. Yes it could use work, no it needs work, their defence not being able to withstand a heavy rush as sown by the Johnny's Quest.

Casualties: 4/10.
They have not done very well, in this field, their amateur roots showing.

Room for improvement:
Everywhere really, offense needs work, defense needs work. But if they manage to surmount the odds, they may, just may gain a comfortable positioning. They have played three very good games where they were outclassed, or done in by lady luck, and one game where she finally took pity on them. They may be able to overcome this inauspicious beginnings and begin to rake in the wins, but who knows?

2012-11-14, 04:09 PM

"Hello folks! I'm Dex Pendabull and I'll be your reporter for tonight, but you ladies at home can just call me 'Dex.'"

"That was terrible, please don't do that again."

"Ah, and here's our guest for tonight, the up-and-coming coach of Maim Kill Burn... Steilos!"

"Sweet Chaos Gods, why did I agree to this?"

"Because we paid you."

"Oh. Right. Well, what did you want?"

"Good to meet you too, Steilos. What do you think of your team's performance over the quarter?"

"Well, a team going into the second quarter at 1-2 is clearly having some difficulties, but it could be worse. I mean, I'm proud of what my lads have accomplished, espeically the attitude they've brought to the game."

"The attitude?"

"We have the best damn hooligan firm this side of the warp for a reason. Our RAAGH SMASH CRUSH DESTROY policy has brought us far, and I have no intention to tell my players on the field that they are actually playing a match."

"Wait, what?"

"Their ball handling is terrible because they think it's a bludgeoning instrument. They all want to be mighty warriors, you know. Telling them they're in a game would just break their hearts. Well, except for Pierre. He wants to be a hairdresser."

"That's... that's wonderful, Steilos."

"Isn't it just? Now, if you excuse me I have a croquet game at ten."

"Wait a damned minute! You haven't told me anything about your team! I came here for a quarterly report, not the blathering of a madman!"

"Oh, all right, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to file a report. Look...


This is MKB's big problem. They can punch stuff for sure, but covering the ball carrier is kind of hard when your cover's frenzied off into the middle of nowhere. In addition, the fact that they CANNOT PICK UP THE DAMN BALL cannot be helping.


Agression is good. The only way to deal with those damn elves is through a punch to the face. Look at what happened to Tinwe United and Johnny's quest for an example of what you do with perfidious Khorne-damned elves. Anyway, this aggressive smothering is exactly what I want to see. Next step: Actually killing something!


You may say "Why, Steilos? You've inflicted some nasty injuries and plenty of badly hurts! What more do you want?" I want BLOOD. I WANT DEATH! I WANT TO WATCH MY ENEMIES DIE! KILL! KILL! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!!!!

...Sorry, where was I?


Ball handling skills would be nice, but my team has Mighty Blow access across the board. Really, all my team needs is someone to get the ball to the endzone and some more raw bashing power. We've made a good start on the bashing front, but basically my team will get better once it gets some face smashy stuff. You can't outplay us if you're DEAD."

"Thank you, Steilos. Well, it's now over to-"

"Ah, where are my manners? We need to do the post-interview ritual!"



"I'm... It's goodbye from me, folks! I'm just going to get out of here, now. Very quickly!"


We interrupt this program to inform the Pendabull family that their son has tragically died in mysterious circumstances. Our condolences are with them, but that was a HELL of a punt from Kaldsorfan! His severed head went clear over the stadium!

2012-11-15, 09:07 PM
Plague's Report:

Hello there, I'm Chet Youbecha, and tonight I'll be reporting on an upstart Necromantic team Known as the Patched Plagues, here with the team Necromancer Darkdeath Evilman!

Hello Their.

So, your team hasn't been doing too hot so far, with a losing record of 3-1, not very good.

It Stings A Bit, I Admit. I'm Not Sure If It's Made Better Or Worse By Knowing That We Could Have Won Those. We Haven't Played Half Bad, Just Started With A Rough Patch.

Yeah, your recent victory shows that may be true. What direction do you think this team is going to go in?

Well, Our Wolves Will Continue To Run The Ball Drive After Drive, And Hopefully The Rest Of The Team Will Learn To Cause Some More Injuries.

Speaking of injuries, your team seems to have gotten off relatively light when compared to all the other teams. I mean, look at the team you faced last week. The had two deaths then this week half their team got injuries that means they'll have to sit one out.

One Of The Benefits Of Having A Team Composed Of The Walking Dead And A Couple Frantic Shifters. These Guys Are Incredibly Hard To Put Down, Especially The Golems. I Think This Gives Us An Advantage Long Term, As Other Teams Accrue More Injuries Over Time, While We Don't.

Any last parting words from our short interview together?

Nope, I'm Good With What I've Said.

Overall Grades:
Offense:6/10. While not performing anything completely spectacular, the werewolves have repeatedly proven themselves to be highly effective runners game after game.

Defence:4/6.Most of the team is simply to slow to get to runners on time, and most of them aren't particularly strong enough to block, and pretty much none are agile enough to intercept. Still, not doing too bad, all their games have been relatively close ones.

Casualties:4/6. We've had a bit of good success in this area, but to many of the players are relatively new to the game and haven't practiced smashing enough, compounded by most of their low speed.

2012-11-15, 10:50 PM
BEERd mid season report

Hi this is the reporter dude and Im here to give a mid season interview with BEERd player Elvish Blackbeard. So Elvish as the only scoring dwarf player you have been made the captain. How do you feel about this?

:Glug: I be thinkin' the other dwarfs need to grow some legs. My half-elfishness is the only reason I even have a chance to score :Glug:

Your half brother Scavan died recently on the pitch. Does this worry you?

:Glug: nah I be much stonger. He was always a liiiiittle bit weakly :Glug:

I noticed your name has an interesting pun. Now I understand why.

:Glug: What pun? our coach just isn't be know'in how ta spell :Glug:

Right ... anyways what do you think of the mercenary your coach has been hiring

:Glug: He be a strong and daring dwarf riding in that thing o his. he just needs ta be lern'in how ta hide it from da refs :Glug:

Do you think your team has a shot at the playoffs?

:Glug: aye. We be play'in some veterain teams be we be ready to beat up on da weaklings :Glug:

Report Stats

Offense 2/10
This was expected at this point in the season. They have play strong defensive teams and they are dwarfs. Still only 1 touchdown is bad.

Defense 6/10
The dwarfs are known for their strong defense. I feel the computer isn't that good at playing dwarfs but they can still shut many teams out.

Casualties 5/10
They have played very physical teams and come out ahead on casualties. They have only a few casualties inflicted but almost none against. This will improve against softer teams.

2012-11-16, 06:58 AM
Rampage! Quarterly Report

It seems your team has gotten off to a pretty slow start compared to last year, what do you need to do to improve?

snkls: Yeah, the boys have been in a serious sophomore slump. At this time last year we were undefeated with double the casualties, even our star player Sessrumnir has had a bit of trouble getting back into it.

Indeed he has, he accounted for 5 of your teams touchdowns at this point last year but he only has 2 so far this year. A bit of good news, if you can call a draw good news, was last week against the defending champions. How did you pull that off?

snkls: Well with the addition of the new the new werewolf Mánagarmr he had some key casualties on the defending champs. We are now looking forward to the future with a full roster, though we have a tough test next week with the Lads coming up.

The Lads are currently undefeated how do plan on defeating them?

snkls: It's going to be tough, they are strong which you would expect from an Orc team, but they are also agile as well. If we can get these guys on their back, we'll have a good shot at the win.

Thanks for you time and good luck!

Offense 3/10
Only three touchdowns so far, compared to seven last year at this time. We will need to get more offense in order to win some games.

Defense 5/10
The defense hasn't been terrible, but the way the offense has been playing they need to step it up.

Casualties 3/10
Only five casualties compared to eleven last year. More bone breaking is needed for this Norse team to be able to move the ball.

2012-11-16, 12:11 PM
The Sabreur: Red Sabres Mid-Season report

The Red Sabres fairytale last season ended up with them lifing the trophy following a dramatic late-season charge that carried them from the bottom of Division B. Now they're four weeks into their title defence, and we've got an interview with team owner, head coach and spokesman for the pro-alcoholism lobby, Aedilred, about his team's progress so far.

TS: Hello.
A: Wotcher.

TS: How are you liking the new office?
A: Well, it's an improvement on the one I had last season and no mistake. Since we won the title we've had sponsorship money flooding in, so I've been able to afford one that's a bit nicer than the old broom cupboard. I've got room for a drinks cabinet, my Jeremiah Kool memorabilia, and a nice decorative rack of elf skulls above the fireplace.

TS: Very nice. How are you finding things this season?
A: Better than last season, but it's still a bit tough. I think we were lulled into a false sense of security by that pre-season friendly against the Rivermen. But the Lads were obviously out to get us, and Rampage! are never an easy team to beat. The Valkyrie match, well, we were just mugged.

TS: Are there any changes forthcoming to try to improve the results?
A: We've hired Mal, a new Blitzer, this week, to try to put some of the bite back into our running game. I've also got a few ex-players and former pros on standby to come in as specialist assistant coaches, but that's going to have to wait until some of the other teams in the league catch up to our value.

TS: How are you finding the lack of inducements?
A: Well, we did well out of them last year, so what goes around comes around, I guess. But it's still a bit intimidating when you get teams like the Valkyrie or this “pro” Elf lot next week being handed cheques for $500K-odd. Plus it means we can't really afford any stars or freebooters of our own.

TS: The team played a lot of stars last year. Any chance of seeing some this time?
A: Probably not for a while. I don't think Helmut [Wulf] wants to speak to us after that match a couple of weeks ago when Ricky decked him, so I'll leave it a while before I speak to him. We have been in negotiations with a big star, though, to see if he wants to play a one-off for us. Watch this space.

Overall grading:

Offence: 5/10. The Sabres are scoreless in two of their matches so far, which is disappointing for a side with such strong offensive players. Particularly against a relatively soft Amazon team in Die Valkyrie, they would have been expected to score.

Defence: 5/10. The team have failed to hold off any of their opponents except for a rookie Dwarf team with a typically one-dimensional running play. With the amount of defensive expertise on the team, they should be doing better than that.

Casualties: 5/10. The team seem to have dropped the ball on this, figuratively speaking, since last season. Only Seb the Ogre is making any real impact on opposing teams, with the Blitzers apparently off their game. A tough physical game was important to the team's success last season and will be needed again before the end of this one.

Room for improvement: General sharpening-up across the board. The team has the players to do well, but the execution has been sloppy. The barrages of inducements used against them haven't made things easier, but don't provide much of an excuse.

The Hellbug
2012-11-17, 01:21 PM
Hellbug's Heroes Quarterly Report:

Felix Talkinghead: Hello folks, I'm Felix Talkinghead, here today with an exclusive interview with the Hellbug, owner of Hellbug's Heroes.

The Hellbug: Oy.

FT: First of all, why the name? It seems a little bit vain to name your team after yourself.

TH: The boys are notoriously unfocused. If a match isn't interesting, every single one of them would rather be looting and pillaging. I find it helps to leave reminders of who's in charge and who pays the bills.

FT: We really didn't expect another Chaos team this season after the spectacular failure that was the Hometown Heroes last year. Any reason you're going to do better.

TH: Haha, our Nurgle cousins don't have the head for economics that I do. Their whole plan was to borrow money up front and actually turn a profit in order to pay it back. I funded my team with raids on elven settlements, still do! Where they were swimming in debt, I just let my players do what they do best and they pay for themselves.

FT: Alright, now, about your performance so far: the Heroes seem to have had a rocky start for the beginning of the season, is it true that you all were not only beaten by an elf team, but they also injured more of your players than you did of theirs?

TH: (glares menacingly at FT)

FT: Looks like we hit a soft spot there, is it true that Adam Mcgillis almost retired after having his face smashed in by a wood elf blocker?

TH: You know what, I've tried to be civil, but you obviously just don't want that. Give me that camera.

FT: Um, you know what, I think that's enough for the day. (begins backing out of room)


(TH charges across the room, knocking the camera to the floor. Screams and sounds of a violent encounter are heard before the camera cuts to black.)

Overall grading:

Offense: (4/10) Nothing was really expected from an early season Chaos team in this regard. With nobody who can move more than 6. This will always be low. I'm just glad we've had a game where we scored more than 1.

Defense: (6/10) Our defense has been satisfactory. We were going to get outscored by the elves no matter what, and nobody else would have scored more than one td except that the Giants scored on the last play of the game.

Casualties: (1/10) An elf team inflicted more casualties on us than we did on them. Nuff said.

2012-11-18, 12:42 PM
Bowties, Soirees, and Bloodbowl Magazine was unable to actually get an interview with Fancy Lads team owner, founder, president, CEO, and gentleman-scholar Houlio. When heading to his office, this note was attached to the front of the door:
I am terribly sorry that I cannot meet to talk with you at the moment. I have been leading the Fancy Lads in team-building, high-altitude training in the Andes this last week. If you must know about it, I can only say that alpaca wool is so luxurious I might have to get out of the rubber, coal, steel, and petroleum businesses and become a knit-sweater magnate. In any case, knowing full well that you simpering suck-ups were seeking to "get the scoop," I believe the phrase is, on my team, I have prepared the following report for you to publish. Any mention of how the Fancy Lads have gotten through this season by sheer good fortune will force me to take legal action against you, and since I know full well that your enterprise is run entirely by slack-jawed, picked-up-by-their-boot-straps street urchins, "legal action" means a formal duel to the death (as any gentleman with the correct upbringing could tell you), with George as my second.

Most Sincerely,

Offense: The Fancy Lads have an offense orders of magnitude better than last season's. We are undefeated, and every win has had a 2-point lead in our favor. With players who can reliably handle the ball, move across the pitch, and likely not get knocked out of the game, we are in a nice spot. (9/10)

Defense: Saying the Lads Most Fancy have done well here would be an understatement. Only one touchdown has been scored against the Lads so far this season, and that was against the team where everyone had dodge. This will likely change when we play some elf team, but that's expected. (9/10)

Casualties: This is the one area where the Fancy Lads could do better at. We lack lots of players with mighty blow or anything like that to help put the hurt on, but compared to last season, I think we're in a worse spot here. (4/10)

Overall: The Fancy Lads have had a startlingly good season so far. Winning a shutout against the Red Sabres in the first match was a little surprising. Going on to beat the dwarf and amazon teams both was also a little unexpected, since they are wildly different. The Lads were in a similar place last season around this time, but our position this now is much more solid. All in all, I think the Lads are looking good to step up play against some of the other big league names, Rampage!, Johnny's Quest, and the Rivermen. (7/10)

2012-11-20, 07:47 PM
Green IS your Enemy! Mid-Season report

Greeting folks, tonight we will be having a short interview with Docnessuno, the head coach of Green IS your Enemy!

Hello Doc. It's quite weird to see a retired Dwarf blitzer leading a greenskin team, how did you end up with this gig?

Well, Green IS your Enemy! was looking for a seasoned head coach, after being promoted from the minor leagues, and i did fit the bill. I should also mention that the contract includes a limitless supply of beer, and that's a key point!

Oh, that was clever on their part...

Indeed. And at least i'm working for someone that knows how to break some heads, not for some fancy elves.

Elves? Funny that you mention that. How are you going to handle the fans after your team was soundly defeated by an undermanned Elf team?

Hmm... That's gonna be hard, but i started by throwing them our former Black Ork blocker, Leslie. Our last defeat was HIS fault, so may the crowd be his judge. Our new BOB lineup comes fully from the Brokentooth marshes clans, where good potion of our fanbase lies. I rejected Karn at the beginning of the season to make room for a more experienced player, but looking back it wasn't a very wise choice.

Well, tank you for your time. Now, for all of our readers, here's a detailed analysis from coach Docnessuno on his own team and its bloody path trought this exciting BloodBowl season.

With two touchdown in each game we won we can definitly say that when our slaughtering department does his job the team ia able to capitalize on it. Still our Orks should remember that ther's a ball on the field before they knock each opposing player to the ground. And our throwers should definitly remember they are in the team to actually throw the ball. While an average of one touchdown every match is fine by dwarven's standards, i expect more from a more agile team.
Rating: 6 / 10

See above. The primary focus of the team should be in getting the opposing ballcarrier and teach him that picking up the ball is a bad idea in a match against us, instead they seem to be too busy tro collect teeths from the nearest opponent. While i surely appreciate the attitude, those greenskins really need to learn how to focus.
Rating: 6 / 10

And here we can find most of the core issues of the team. While those boys know how to punch a man silly, they still don't work as a team. If by chance they find themselves in the right place at the right time we can be assured someone on the opposing roster is going straight to the infermery, but most of the times i just see lone Okrs engaging in pointless one-on-one and we all know how risky is that. That's why our matches swing from complete slaughterfest to elfball games, and that's why had to get rid of key positionals for the injuries they suffered.
Rating: 5 / 10

Room for improvement:
We still have to hire our 4th blitzer and a proper medic, but having to replace players so often held us back. With a full roster, possibly even including a troll we would haave access to much-needed reserves. Also our Black Ork section is currently very undeveloped, and with more training they could become a force to be reckoned with.

2012-12-05, 08:00 PM
Season II: A Retrospective

Ignoring all sound advice, the Johnnys spend all of their startup money on expensive positional for an already expensive team: A treeman, two Wardancers, a Thrower, and three catchers, and four lineman. “No rerolls, apothecary or fan factor, dropped in favour of the best Wood Elf players money can buy. I tried looking that up on the risk/reward chart but it didn't extrapolate that far.” - Steilos.

Week 1
2-0 underdog victory vs Hellbug’s Heroes
The headline reads “Johnnys Begin Quest for Cup”
In an upset, the Chaos Warriors take some casualties from the Elves, failing to return the gesture. With their soft skins safe with the aid of wandering Black Orc apothecary, Ascelpius M.D., the Johnnys decide to hire him full-time.

Week 2
3-2 narrow victory vs The Iron Giants
With no clear underdog, the Johnny’s come on top. This was due in small part to Treeman John Green, who outright killed two of opposing players. At this point the Johnny’s risky roster was paying dividends.

Week 3
3-2 narrow victory vs The Patched Plagues
The headline reads “Johnnys Continue Roll, Plagues Charge Toll”
The winning continues, but thrower, Action Johnny, and lineman, Other John Green, are both buried by the Plague despite Asclepius’ best efforts. This leaves a critical hole in the roster just before the Johnnys first match against a returning team, the Styx Rivermen. Sources also report that lineman, J. Doe, suffered a Serious Concussion leaving him with permanent memory loss.

Week 4
1-3 expected loss vs The Styx Rivermen
Headline reads “Rivermen Stop Johnnys Dead. Well, Not Quite Dead”
The Rivermen snap the wounded Johnnys winning streak, laying out a few players in the process, Thankfully for the Johnnys, they all make back out onto the pitch eventually

Week 5
2-2 draw vs Green Is Your Enemy
John ‘Five Score and Seventeen’ No-name was hired instead of fielding journeymen players. His career would be cut tragically short.

Week 6
2-4 loss vs The Red Sabres
Despite hiring a Star Player to make up for the difference is team ability, this loss was not surprsing. Veteran teams are tough, especially early in the season. No one ever said Blood Bowl was fair.

Week 7
1-2 loss vs The Fancy Lads
It’s an uphill battle when you’re against stronger players who are nearly as agile.

Week 8: All Star Week
The Johnnys manager caused quite a stir in the lead up to the All-Star Game, unhappy with some rules changes regarding the treatment of player’s injured in the game. Ultimately this may have led Division B to a loss as a result of the relatively conservative game plan by Aedilred at Tastier’s request.

Week 9
2-2 vs draw vs BEERd
Nothing to say about this week. Shame it wasn’t a win.

Week 10
3-1 vs Die Valkyrie
Two of the Johnnys were injured severely enough to keep them off the pitch in week 11. But a win’s a win and most predicted the Johnny’s were headed toward the playoffs.

Week 11
1-4 vs Rampage!
To fill the holes in the roster left by the ladies of Die Valkyrie, the Johnnys dump their whole treasury to hire two veterans from The Trees who disbanded after season 1. This move sent a message to Rampage! saying ‘We want to win!”. Unfortunately, the Johnny’s brilliant gameplan, that included, among other things, a clause to magically remove Sessrumnir’s hands, arrived 10 minutes after the game ended. We can only speculate on the effect it would have had. Many people Identify this week as the beginning of what has been described as an ‘Epic Collapse’ by the Johnnys.

Week 12
2-4 devastating loss vs Tinwë United.
The Johnny’s seemed well positioned against Tinwë. With faster players, a Treeman, and Tomb Guardian thanks to a player swap with Styx Rivermen it seemed like the Wood Elves would have the physical and agile advantage. No one saw this loss coming, especially given the Sports Night pregame coverage:
" Tonight on a very special SportsNight, we're going to take a moment to talk about a very real problem."

" We've been confused by the general optimism shown towards a certain team, and a general lack of straight talking. That team's name? Tinwe United."

" So we've taken a look at their upcoming game and taken it apart, piece by piece, to demonstrate why exactly we here at SportsNight think that they're a completely rubbish team who've got as much shot at the playoffs as they do at being the first elves to land on the moon."

" Winless since Week Six, Tinwe's fans have been deserting the Union in droves over the past several weeks of their trudge to the bottom. Yes folks, that's right. Week Six. Even Hellbug's Heroes and MAIM KILL BURN have gotten a win more recently than that. I would call it shameful, but really, that's an insult to shame. The only other team to go this long winless? Green Is Your Enemy! Hells bells, BEERd has won twice in that span of time. Incidentally, one of those wins the dwarves snagged? A Three-One victory over Tinwe. You heard me right folks. Dwarves utterly blew out elves."

" Inducements are the one really shiny spot for Tinwe. We'll almost certainly be seeing a serious Star Player taking the field, and probably one or two dirty tricks besides. Of course, even with the Star Player, Tinwe'll still be down a player in a game that'll come down to injuries."

" Comparing their positionals.. the Johnny's have an edge so sharp it bleeds. Four Catchers to two catchers; all of the Johnny's Catchers have at least one skill and most have an ability increase. 'Itchy' Feet in particular is a threat that should not be underestimated; with a potential movement of twelve and a built in reroll on his Go-For-Its, his redzone is the fifty yard line."

" Tinwe's best catcher, Tirnen Thirgail, falls short in comparison to this beast. The greater strength shouldn't matter, as neither of these players should be in the thick of it; their role is punching touchdowns in. The Johnny's have four of these touchdown monsters, while Tinwe's lone backup Catcher has the impressive and singular skill of... being slightly slower than he was when he started. Way to be unique, Palidos, way to be."

" Blitzers is the one spot where Tinwe has a slight edge. With two Blitzers to the one Wardancer, Tinwe has a shot at finally being able to disrupt some plays."

" Of course, 5-Shots is that one step faster than either Ienora or Valinor. Between that step and leap, his manueverability is much higher."

" On the other hand, his Dauntless character won't be worth much against the Pro Elves."

" On the gripping hand, Casey, if the worst thing that you can say is,' I won't need this special skill to deal with my enemy because my enemy is so stonking weak it doesn't apply to even their strongest player', then you're probably doing alright."

" Yes indeedy. Moving on, their throwers are almost identical. Almost, that is, except that ( as will become a constant refrain ), the Tinwe plodder Ingorian Windglaive is one step slower than Dijon ‘Crazy’ Bone. A lone step that'll almost certainly be telling."

" Oh, and the little fact that Dijon has completed over THREE TIMES more passes than the sadsack which is Ingorian Windglaive. What a pile! Seriously. It can't be overstated what a blow the sheer incompetence of this absolutely maladroit puddle splasher is to Tinwe."

" Yikes. Looking at their linemen, every single United player is worse than his counterpart on the Johnny's from the get-go. That one step slower is the difference between locking up tackle zones, that one extra die roll for a Go For It. This is the painfaul part for Tinwe. Taking skills in to account, amazingly, it actually doesn't get too much worse for Tinwe. While a mere half of their six linemen have skills, the same can be said of the Johnny's with three out of their five. With one of their linemen sporting the functional yet personally unimpressive Leader, the Johnny's skills come out in the wash, balancing out the increased agility one of their other linemen possesses."

" And the worst was saved for last; the positionals that the Johnny's have which Tinwe doesn't have at all. Treeman and Tomb Guardian."

" Yes, folks, you heard that right. The Wood Elves of Johnny's Quest are being allowed to field a Khemri player. Don't ask us, we just read the news."

" With two high strength mighty blow players, the Quest will be dealing out the harshness all game long. "

" If Rampage had mauled the Johnny's in week ten, this might be a game. But we're pretty confident that all in all, it won't be. Tinwe will be lucky if they score a single touchdown, and the Johnny's won't be leaving with less than three touchdowns. If they're going to get four touchdowns in a game this season, this'll be it."

" When all's said, anything can happen. But anything being possible doesn't mean anything is probable. Best case scenario for Tinwe United is they come out uninjured and with a tie. While they haven't a snowflakes chance in the hot place to pull off a win, a tie might just be possible."

" Possible but entirely unlikely. The Johnny's do poorly when they're outbashed. Tinwe isn't going to outbash them, especially not with ringer Ned the Annihilator swinging. So TINWE is going to lose badly. QED. Our official SportsNight prediction? Four-One, Johnny's, and at least two of the Pro Elves are going to be retiring after the game from injuries, fatal or otherwise."

" I'm Dan Rydell."

" And I'm Casey McCall. This was a very special SportsNight."

Week 13
After this weeks results come in, the Johnny’s find themselves tied with 3 other teams for a wildcard spot. One thing is clear, the Johnnys need a win in week 14.

Week 14
1-1 disappointing draw vs Maim Kill Burn
Headline reads “Johnnys Finish Epic Season Collapse”.
This was another match that the Johnnys had no business losing. The Johnnys players, despite being paid much higher than their opponents and having had a week off to practice and plan, fail to execute. Thus the Quest for the Season II GitP Cup ends.

Crud Cup
With one last gmae left to play, the question on everyone's mind is 'Can the Johnnys go all the way (to the bottom)?

{table=head]Category|W-L-D|TD ratio
Vs Division A Teams|3-2-2|15:15
Vs Division B Teams|1-3-1|8:12
Vs Returning Teams|0-4-0|5:13
Vs Rookie Teams|4-1-3|18:14
Pre All-Star Game|3-3-1|14:15
Post All-Star Game|1-2-2|9:12

Looking at this table its pretty clear that the returning teams were not kind to the Johnnys, while Johnnys did quite well against other rookie teams. Another thing we see here is that in the 12 games The Johnnys’ Quest and their opponents scored a combined 50 points. Also noteworthy is the fact that the Johnnys never got shut out.

~~Check back next week~~

The Hellbug
2012-12-05, 10:38 PM
Narrator: It started as a dream, a vision. After a drunken bender to end all drunken benders, The Hellbug, owner of Hellbug's Heroes, found himself in possession of the Hometown Heroes' contract for a team in the Blood Bowl League. He inherited a franchise that was deep in debt, nearly winless, and full of helf-witted Nurgle players to boot. It was a dark time.

However, solace was found in a plan. Using money obtained in a series of petty burglaries along the coast of the Elven homeland, the team was made solvent. The participants in these burglaries became the stating line for the Heroes, now named for their owner. Soon, the first game of the season rolled around.

Team Captain Ajax: Of course we all thought we knew what we were getting into. Everybody watches the games on Cabalvision. I was inspired to join the team by watching Fredo Stefani last season. When Hellbug came to me with the offer, I couldn't turn it down. Okus, our first game was against some pansy wood elves. How bad could it have been?

Narrator: Unfortunately for the Heroes, any preseason optimism was soon to be crushed.

Orgetorix: They were so little, like puppies. I mean, you can't bring yourself to really lay into an elf. That is, until I saw what they did to Dryhauser. They swarmed him like a pack of wolves. I've never heard a beastman scream the way he did then. I think we can all agree, that was the moment when we realized what Blood Bowl really means.

Narrator: Hellbug's Heroes would go on to lose that 2-0, a devastating loss for the young team, and beastman Max Dryhauser would be put on the disabled list, having suffered a broken arm, a smashed foot, and shattered pride.

Brunbob: We went into the next week with a lot less optimism. I mean, if you can't thrash around a wood elf team, what's going to happen to you against the Daemons of Korne?

Narrator: Luckily, the Heroes would suffer none of the bad luck that plagued them in the first game. One hour before the match with MKB, the sky darkened at let loose a torrent of rain that wouldn't end until far after the match was over. Stellar play on the part of the ballcarriers would result in a 2-1 victory for the Heroes, with MKB never able to fully get up to speed on account of poor aility to pick up the ball.

The Hellbug: That win was a godsend. If we'd gone into our bye week 0 and 2, I don't think the boys woulda taken it too well. Losing to the elves and your rival cultists two weeks in a row? THere woulda been hell to pay.

Narrator: Coming off of their bye week, the Heroes would lose two consecutive games to human and necromantic teams. The Hellbug himself was growing tired of the lack of casualties inflicted by his team, and they were about to go up against the undefeated Styx Rivermen, the undisputed 'bad boys' of the league. Every man on the team treated that day like it would be his last.

Ajax: When I got down to the pitch, I lined up against Bull the Butcher. I had seen people do that that wouldn't be living only minutes later. Looking into his eyes was like gazing into the void. And this void looked right back.

Trush: We really didn't think we had a chance in that game. I definitely heard guys in the locker room saying that they might fake injuries if they went down just so that they could live through the game. Coach wasn't to pleased about that.

Narrator: The Rivermen got off to an early start, with Tom Gravy quickly scoring a touchdown against the incapacitated Heroes defense. With the score 1-0 midway through the first half, Brunbob received the kick and began charging up the field.

Brunbob: They tried, they really did. I saw my teammates throwing themselves in the way of oncoming Rivermen in order t get me up the field. Eventually, there was nobody left but me, and the Khemri got to me.

Narrator: It was the low point of the game, and defeat was certain, but that would soon change. Chaos Warrior Andecembogius grabbed the ball and hurled it downfield toward the endzone, where nobody from either team was standing.

Andecembogius: I don't even know what I was thinking. Coach always told me to never throw the ball, but that was the only way I could stop the Rivermen from scoring. Hell, I didn't even see the touchdown because th Rivermen clobbered me so bad afterward.

Narrator: Beastman Trush would be the second hero of the game. Seeing Andecmbogius's lame duck attempt at a pass, he quickly scrambled up, grabbed the ball and scored with only seconds left in the half. Neither team would score in the second half, and the final score would remain tied at 1 to 1.

The Hellbug: I never though we could do it. I don't care that it was almost entirely luck and that we didn't even win; that was the best game I've seen the boys play all season. Here's to the rest of it.

To be continued...

Report Card:
Offense: 5/10 We've at least put points on the board in every game, which is better than our first quarter. Brunbob is turning out to be a half-decent ball carrier.

Defense: 6/10 We've kind of been all over the place here. I mean, we held the Rivermen to a 1-1 tie, but lost 3-1 to the Plagues. Either way, I feel like our defense is above average coming off of that shut-out.

Casualties: 0/10. I don't want to talk about it.

2012-12-06, 02:47 AM
Iron Giant Mid Season

Well today we'll be going through one of the newer and, frankly weaker teams. The Iron Giants have gone far, ish in the league, having won only, what? 2 games, lost three and drawn one.

Even with this, they are not ready for the pro's, the Giants have proven it with their record. But through all this rough, there is a diamond core. The giants have the makings of a good team, and their steady increase of victories prove this. But, this good team will not be polished up in time for the finals.

So to the giants, maybe next year I say, maybe next year, but this year, they just don't have enough time for the spit and polish.

2012-12-06, 05:46 PM
Rampage! Mid-Season Report

The last couple weeks have been much better for the norsemen, what do you attribute that to?

snkls: The guys realized they were starting to be in danger of not making the playoffs and started playing like the Rampage! of old. Plus I told them they could have a keg party after every win so that motivated them a bit.

The offensive and casualty rate has increased. What does Rampage! need to do to continue winning?

snkls: They have improved but they still have work to do, we are still below the average from last year. We may have a surprise in store coming up after the all-star break to help deal with that problem.

What surprise would that be?

snkls: We are in contract negotiations right now with Hel to bring him back. Though he's let himself go a bit during the offseason, we hope he will be ready in a couple weeks.

Thanks for you time and good luck!

Offense 6/10
Improved considerably since the quarterly report. Though there is still room for improvement.

Defense 6/10
The offense has picked up a bit so not everything is resting on the defenses shoulders now.

Casualties 5/10
Also improved from the quarterly report, but much of that so far has been from Managarmr. We would like to see more casualties spread out across several players.

2012-12-06, 07:09 PM
BEERd mid season report

Here we have an exlusive interview with BEERd owner ybot. So Ybot first I must ask why are we meeting in a construction zone?

Ybot: Well this is no ordinary construction zone. This is were the greatest steam roller drivers come to show their skills. We have been considering hiring one.

What are you planing on doing with a construction worker?

Ybot: Put some spikes on his steam roller and tell him we need a layer of elf on top of the field.

.... I think Im just going to let the refs handle that. So what do you think of your team's performance so far this season.

Ybot: I already have my plans for my dark Elf team next season

you didn't anwser the question

Ybot: I hope my dark elf team will do better than this dwarf team.

3/10 we have 6 touchdowns and half of them were in one game

6/10 Its not the best but we aren't getting destroyed

6/10 We haven't given up very many casualties but we haven't gotten as many as I had hoped for

Oh My God
2012-12-10, 05:17 PM
All-Star Report Card

Offense (6/10): Tinwe has managed to post some decent numbers with its running game. Tirnen, Palidos, Valinor and Ienora all have excellent stats for breaking away from a scrum. Of course, they -also- have excellent stats for receiving a pass, not that any are ever thrown.

Defense (3/10): Tinwe can't disrupt cages to save its life. Given that caging up is the default method which the AI uses to advance the ball, well, that says everything you need to know about Tinwe's defense.

Casualties (2/10): The chaps just haven't had much luck in dismantling other teams; with the addition of mighty blow to Valinor, and a guarding lineman, this -should- improve. We'll see what other evil tricks I can pull to get this further up.

Looking forward, oddly enough, gives me the worst possible view of the team. With a TV that is already one of the highest in the league, the boys still can't seem to get into any sort of tempo. It seems like there is very little hope for agile cats to display any sort of consistency in this particular league. Eight weeks in, and my passers have connected on either one or no passes at all. When your team is meant to be built around catchers, that's a rough statistic. Tinwe is almost certainly going to be getting discarded in favor of a bash team come Season 3, most likely Undead or Ork (who are one of the most dependable rosters in the game). Until then, I'll probably be trying out weird skill choices during the (rare) intervals where my players actually obtain skills. I'm tempted to say 'nothing but diving tackle'.

2012-12-17, 08:35 PM
The latest news straight from the Skull Throne!*
*may not actually be from the Skull Throne

Greetings all totally loyal followers of the Blood God,

I am your editor and new player-coach Carlos Francis, and I welcome you to The Bloody Rags, the official paper of MKB. I am completely Khornate. Like, KILL KILL KILL, guys. I am totally in on that stuff. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar and also dead. I mean it. There was this one guy in the stands who told me to change my ways and I ran over there and dropkicked him through the stalls.

In hindsight, he may have just been an evangelical preacher. You get those sometimes. The point still stands that people who dropkick other people through the stalls and spike them into the very foundations are probably not the sneaky kind of person. In fact, I have become quite the leader amongst the squad, and I believe that this promotion to coach was only a matter of time, from both my playing skill and my sincere dedications to the Blood God.

I would love to thank our old coach Steilos for the work and effort he has shown during his regrettably short tenure, but I am sorry to report that he ran away screaming about how I had my hooks into everyone. I assure you this rumour is false (they're claws) and he has been reprimanded for this outrageous display and sent away in shame. We believed this to be the end of it, and absolutely did not hunt him down for retribution.

It is my greatest regret to report however that Steilos has left us for the last time, and has gone to shout at the underperforming team in the sky. His body has not yet been found, but personal testaments from the entriety of us here at MKB confirm this tragic tale. I shall continue his policy of violence in his stead, and have already hung a little picture of him on the dressing room wall. Any rumours that this picture is used as a dartboard are entirely correct. It's what he would have wanted. We think.

Anyway, tonight before going off to bed, raise a glass to our old coach Steilos... and then throw it to the floor and set it on fire. Again, we're extrapolating here but whatever brings a smile on his face in the Basilica of Torments.

Your Coach,

Carlos Francis

All Star Report:

Offense: We simply need to pick up the ball and run to the endzone. The best way to do this is to kill everyone. And maybe pack another reroll or three because Frenzy.

Defense: I hold our late ex-coach's opinion on this. We're a strong team with a vicious and aggressive style that with a bit of tweaking will kill everyone. Looking forward to smashing some elves, oh yes.

Casualties: We killed someone. Actually added a skull to the throne LIKE WE CAME HERE TO DO. I assure you that everyone here at MKB had an office party that day and boy, can bloodthirsters drink! Incidentally, we now have a shortage of fans.

To celebrate my new job and the founding of this paper I am offering a BRAND NEW COMPETITION to our loyal readers and fans! If any of you are still alive!
Send the severed head of the person you hate the most into our postbox at
6 Crushsmash Lane,
BL36 0OD,

And you could WIN Steilos' Severed Fingers! WOW! Ten up for grabs in this THRILLING competition! Every week, we are offering a different body part of his for the collection of YOU, the reader! Use his fingers as cocktail sticks! His head has a doorstop! The possibilities are ENDLESS!

Until next time, folks!

2013-01-15, 05:30 PM
The Sabreur Player Profile: Ienora Hokahey

When Ienora Hokahey was signed by Pro Elf team Tinwë United and left Ulthuan seeking her fortune, little could she have imagined the life that lay in store for her. It would be nice to say that since she arrived, Tinwë have gone from strength to strength, and that her influence has been a critical reason why the team has prospered.

Unfortunately, we can't.

Tinwë United have had a rotten second half of the season, following a mercurial first half in which they succeeded in dispatching the impressive Patched Plagues, and, to the surprise of many, both orc teams, including the much-fancied Fancy Lads, but also failed to close out a number of games they should probably have won. The team's success was eventually scuppered by injury, with veteran captain Valinor Silvrenruth laid out with a skull fracture from which he just doesn't seem to have recovered.

It is fair to say, though, that Lady Hokahey has been one of Tinwë's few standout successes. Since joining the team she's put in a good all-round performance including injuring one of the Lads, and scoring a touchdown to draw with Die Valkyrie. With Tinwë scrambling to make the playoffs, it's difficult to know whether the team has a future beyond this season, but any other teams looking for an all-round elf blitzer could do a lot worse. Hopefully we'll be seeing rather more of her in the future.

2013-01-26, 09:51 PM
The Sabreur Season Award Nominations:

Most Valuable Player

A hotly contested honour this, with a few standout names. However, on looking over the stats in detail, the player who I think has contributed the most to their team is Tirnen Thirgail of Tinwe United. Tirnen has scored over a third of Tinwe's SPP and nearly three-quarters of their touchdowns. As a result of his contribution, they're in the playoffs. Without it, they'd be nowhere.

Offensive Player of the Season

While Tirnen has probably had the greatest impact on his team's success, it's a close call as to the best offensive player. I'm going to give it to Morr E.N. Tezz, who has had an unbelievable season, with the possibility of more to come.

Defensive Player of the Season

Not so hotly contested this one, with Bull the Butcher winning hands down. Bull has inflicted a total of 26 casualties or KOs this season at an average of 2.4 per game, more than the entirety of Die Valkyrie, the Iron Giants, Maim Kill Burn or Tinwe United, and twice as many as The Johnnys' Quest in total. The Rivermen, not coincidentally, have also conceded the fewest touchdowns of any team this season, at least when Bull's on the pitch.

Offensive Rookie of the Year

With Tirnen Thirgail already nominated, I'm going to give this to Lupus "Patches" of the Patched Plagues, who narrowly missed out on both the MVP and offensive player nominations. Lupus has had an excellent season, with a good chance of topping both the SPP and touchdowns lists by the end of the regular season and rushing more yards than anyone by a country mile - very impressive for a rookie.

Defensive Rookie of the Year

Doing this by the numbers, the leading contenders are John Green of the Quest and Orgeterix of Hellbug's Heroes, each of whom has inflicted nine KOs or casualties this season. However, the Johnnys have generally been dreadful on defence, conceding far more touchdowns than any other team in the league, and John's efforts haven't come to much. Likewise, for most of the season the Heroes have also been lacklustre at the back, with Orgeterix only really hitting his stride late on. Lower down the list are Hildr of Die Valkyrie and Seb Sha Bal of the Red Sabres, each of whom stand on seven casualties or KOs, but the nomination is going to Uthanak, who has been at the heart of a stingy GIYE defence and goes into his last match with three casualties and five KOs to his name.

The Hellbug
2013-01-27, 12:26 AM
From the desk of The Hellbug:

In response to league commissioner Crow's call for league MVP's, my head of public relations, Thelonius Magnum, told me that it would be good PR to actually respond to it, especially in light of the recent negative press we've gotten for the brutal execution of one of the much loved Valkyries. In response, I told him that's the kind of thing a good beastman like him is for and that I already on my way out of the office for an appointment with my travel agent, canceling a golf trip with some of my Chaos Warriors I had planned before I realized that we had any real shot at the playoffs. Anyway, this whole note is to authorize Magnum to make my MVP choices for this year.

-The Hellbug

MVP: I'm coming up with this list on short notice thanks to my 'gracious' team owner so please excuse my brevity. This goes to Mor. E. N. Tezz, for just being the biggest scoring threat in the league. This guy wins games, and you just can't keep him down. The guy suffered an injury that would be career-ending on most, but he just keeps going.

Offensive Player of the Year: I'm putting Gondul for this award because of the way with, just a little support, she picks apart most other teams in the league.

Defensive Player of the Year: Coach says the best defense is a good offense, and the way Danforth plays as a blitzer with one of the most touchdowns in the league makes him deserving of this.

Offensive Rookie of the Year: Lupus 'Patches' is the Patched Plagues offense. Wonder ho they'd do if anything happened to him...

Defensive Rookie of the Year; The early season play of John Green, and his terrifying performance against the boys and me makes him my choice here.

Oh My God
2013-02-12, 01:39 PM
As our season wraps up, we here in the Front Office of Tinwë United have decided to look past the horriffic thumping we're all certain we're going to receive this week and instead focus on the bright lights of next season.

Styx Rivermen(8-1-3): This is the year of the Styx. The big boys can do no wrong. They're mangling Chaos and Orks, they're outscoring Elves, they slice, they dice, they cut julienne fries. We think they're going all the way this year. And if they do? Headcoach Crow says they're stepping down.

God do we hope they win.

Red Sabres(6-5-1): Our guess for the Main event? Sabres vs. Rivermen. And while we think the Rivermen will be retiring after taking the cup this year, we are almost certain the Sabres will be back for Season 3, and back in a big way. This is a serious franchise, with serious people.

Green IS your enemy!(4-7-1): Orks. Orks. Orks. They sufferd a few misfires, but Orks are always a solid choice. Being able to start. Going in to next season, I would look at keeping whichever Black Orks with Guard that I could. Blitzers skill fast enough on their own, especially with these anchors givint them help with guard.

Beerd(4-6-2): Guard! Guard! Guard! We hope ybot brings these guys back. Why? These guys have every chance of achieving

Hellbug's Heroes(5-6-1-): The ClawPOMB machine is starting to come online. If these guys come back next season, they'll have some serious Smashy Smashy potential. And with every chance that they'll take the Cup (stranger things have happened), we really expect that they'll return.

The Fancy Lads(10-1-1): To be honest, this is our favorite team in the league. Their style, both fashion and playstyle, are without compare. Their players are jaw-dropping. They're Orks. They'll be back.

Iron Giants(4-7-1): The Giants need to find a standout player to build around. The Sabres have Morr E.N. Tezz and Fredo D. Stefani. Dipalma is a potential core player, and that's some hope for this troubled team. "Mad" Max Saravia really needs to go, though.

MAIM KILL BURN(2-9-1): This team surprised us by not building towards a high note finish; we were certain that as the season rolled on, they would become the strongest bashing team in the league. Instead... we're rather skeptical this crew will be back.

The Johnnys' Quest(4-5-3): The Johnnys' still have an amazing lineup, with the core makeup for a strong start next season. In particular, retaining Benediction Johnson and Dijon 'Crazy' Bone is key. These two have the potential to setup a passing game every bit as strong as that displayed by the Valkyries. Our advice? Invest in some re-rolls, worry less about having the full positional spread. And this might sound crazy, but ditch the Tree. You're never, ever, ever, ever going to actually control the line. He's just one player who can't score a touchdown or pass the ball.

Patched Plagues(5-6-1): We really hope these guys'll be back next year. Lupus "Patches" is one of our favorite stars in the league, and if he can secure Mighty Blow as a skill soon, he'll be one of the most dangerous enforcers there is. A thought to consider; wrestle instead of block on the Fodder. This'll open the field up enormously against slow, stodgy teams like Dwarves and Orks.

Rampage!(6-4-2): Not much to say about Rampage. As in the season before, they're just a solid team. Our only suggestion for them is one word. Guard. Guard. Guard. Linemen who don't get guard in the first two skills should probably just be sacked. Dirty Player just isn't worth it in the current field.

Die Valkyrie (5-6-1): The Valks are one of the most solid scoring threats in the league. Dodge. Everywhere. In any game not against men under four feet tall, they'll just stay up longer and get away from tacklezones more often. Saving RRs from dodges means that you can spend them on blocks.

Tinwë United (5-5-2): And lastly, our team. Good god, our team. We're still not sure how the hell we wound up in the semi-finals. Utter madness. Provided that Topper Thirgail and Ingorian Windglaive survive this weeks massacre against the Rivermen, we'll be back. Otherwise, the United is headed back to the country club.

The Hellbug
2013-02-12, 11:12 PM
Today, we're talking about the playoffs. Specifically, my opinions on the games in the playoffs so far and the current match-ups.
-The Hellbug

Sabres vs. Rampage: This was a game between two fo the best teams in the league and was, in my opinion, the game that should have been the closest in the quarterfinals. The Norsemen had more bashyness and the Sabers came in with more offensive options. In the end, Rampage's poor armor was the end of them, something of a theme for them this year that never plagued them last year, and the Sabers came out ahead.

Tinwe vs. Plagues: This game ended as an upset in my eyes. As team manager Oh My God has pointed out already, the pro elves have been notoriously streaky this season. On the other hand was the Patched Plagues, who constantly played better this season than their record shows. They were the only team to stand toe-to-toe against Rampage and come out okay for it. Patches was the most sought-after offensive asset in the League. However, it looks like Tinwe is on an upswing, and I wish them the very best of luck against the Rivermen this week.

Heroes vs. Lads: This was the biggest upset of the week, and it happened because of two reasons. First of all, we got lucky. My Heroes would never have made the playoffs at all if better teams hadn't sat their entire line against us for fear of late-season injuries. The Lads were the better team here. The second reason is that Fancy Lads manager Houlio only runs an 11-orc team. While this is adequate normally due to the orcs' high armor, the Heroes had claws, just the thing to rip through that heavy armor. It appears that the Lads only run 11 in order to keep opposing inducements down while still fielding one of the most dangerous teams in the league, but this time it was the death of them.

Rivermen vs. Valkyries: The Rivermen are the team to beat this year, nuff said. However, the overtime at least got us thinking that they may be able to beaten after all.

This week's games:

Heroes vs. Sabers: THis match will be every bit as tough for the Heroes as our match agianst the Lads, with two key differences. We can't count on injuries the way we did last week, due the Sabers' deeper lineup. In our faovr, though, we get enough inducement money to bring on Ajax's maternal uncle, Lord Borak the Despoiler, for the game. While I'm still giving this one to the Sabers, we may just stand a chance.

Rivermen vs. Tinwe: As much as I want to say that I want the elves to win this one, the Rivermen deserve to be in the playoffs this year. They haven't lost a single game they've tried to win, and they've just been an indomitable force. Oh My God said it right when he said that this season was the year of the Rivermen. That said, I want the league champion to be from Division B, and I think we'd have a better chance against the elves. GO TINWE!