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Cipher Stars
2013-07-05, 09:55 AM
Being without internet or almost literally nothing else to do- I took to writing a few things over a space of two weeks. Note, I had no one to share them with and thus no one to review them. They could be utter bullnuggets. Now that I finally have internet again with which to post them, here you go.



http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982154/Alright?secret_password=2axsq0iiavtbouktel2m

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982151/Death-Lock?secret_password=wuae2gaq91awwce4tvj

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982149/Fe-Vir-if-Ication?secret_password=zidk3jl16zr4us1fmam

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982146/Helin?secret_password=1fv07hw7xxrh8dlmjayd

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982143/Hell-Breaker?secret_password=2kxuelz2a5fu8tqkcen

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982136/Saiel?secret_password=19v3mgi0nl4c651b728w

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982567/Wandering-Devas?secret_password=nstpvabqcihtcl8z81z

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151984501/Living-Altar?secret_password=wem5op3lytxzrhq7y3o

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151984498/The-Seraph?secret_password=1cua3ea7to6bzh2ppz6r

Cheiromancer
2013-07-05, 10:20 AM
I'm sorry, but the background to your documents (the first two at least) make the text very hard to read. I'm sure you will get more feedback if you make them more legible.

I think that people are more likely to read something posted to this site rather than requiring a click. And also more likely to respond to one or two ideas presented at a time than a dozen or more dumped all at once.

p.s. I'm glad your internet is back! :smallsmile:

Just to Browse
2013-07-05, 10:31 AM
Like Cheiro said, the only thing that's bullnuggets right now is that your text seems designed to fade into the background, and my eyes are already weak from staring at bright lights for several hours last night. Could you perhaps get those to black text with a white background?

EdroGrimshell
2013-07-05, 01:01 PM
Personal favorite is the Seraph, though I think it's paragon class is a little strong, only a little though.

Cipher Stars
2013-07-05, 01:27 PM
Personal favorite is the Seraph, though I think it's paragon class is a little strong, only a little though.

Sounds perfect. Normal paragon classes always seemed weeksauce. This one is also integral to the later 17-level classes.


I don't know what to tell you about the backgrounds. The text is perfectly visible on my monitor at least, I adjusted brightness and contrast until it was such. It'd be a huge arse-pain to go back and redo them all.

BladeTempest
2013-07-05, 01:58 PM
I would love to look at these as well but like certain individuals above I cannot read the text from the image. Perhaps you could change the color of the text to something contrasting or simply move the images to be independent pages from the text?

Just to Browse
2013-07-05, 02:24 PM
I don't know what to tell you about the backgrounds. The text is perfectly visible on my monitor at least, I adjusted brightness and contrast until it was such. It'd be a huge arse-pain to go back and redo them all.

I assume this is a word document. Can you copy/paste the text into the forum?

Debihuman
2013-07-05, 03:21 PM
I agree, the text is really hard to read.

My suggestions in no particular order on Deadlock (the only one I've read so far)

When you use a background, make it a paler watermark and make your text darker.

Your tables are messed up because you didn't put in the hyphen marks to indicate blank cells so it merged cells together.

"BaB" looks weird since it stands for Base Attack Bonus. It should be "BAB".

I removed unnecessary text and fixed some other grammar issues (in particular single subject with plural object: a single deadlock is not a "their" it is is an "it" a "her" or a "him".


Shadow Veil (Su): The Deathlock can, as a free action, cloak herself in shadow. This gives her a number of benefits as follows.


It gives those that attack her the miss chance indicated on the table.

This allows the Deathlock to surprise and flank creatures even if she would not normally be able to so long as she is of an equal or higher HD.

She makes no sound when she steps, does not trigger traps that rely on pressure plates, and never provokes Listen checks

Whenever she touches something so long as it fits within her carry capacity, that thing becomes shadow veiled as well and thus it never makes sound either.

To talk, the deathlock needs to exit her Shadow Veil otherwise, no sound is heard.

She gains a bonus to speed given on the table. The smaller number is a bonus to her speed and the larger number is how far the Deathlock can transport herself as though by a dimension door-like effect in which she disappears through any surface large enough to sustain herself and reappears elsewhere within the given range. This is a standard action and she cannot benefit from both the speed enhancement and the shadowy door in the same round.

The deathlock gains a bonus to any Balance, Jump or Climb checks made while in Shadow Veil equal to her Charisma modifier times her class levels.

When veiled the Deathlock gains a bonus to Hide checks when in dark areas and shadow equal to her Charisma modifier times the level of darkness she is in (Or simply plus her class levels including Paragon levels)


By making a DC 20 Hide check, the Deathlock can become Incorporeal as part of a move action, until the move action is complete. By making a DC 40 Hide check, the Deathlock can become Ethereal as part of a move action, until the move action is complete. By remaining in the same spot for a full round action, the Deathlock can make the same Hide check to become Incorporeal or Ethereal, until she fails a check, which is made at the beginning of each turn she remains in the same spot or until she move again, whichever comes first.

Also, why did this ability come first before the ones gained at first level? I can only assume you didn't edit this document before making a pdf of it.

For emphasis, I bolded the sections I feel were problematic. Gaining a bonus of Cha x level is a bit much. Also, what do you mean by times the "darkness's level" as darkness doesn't have levels.

Debby

AuraTwilight
2013-07-05, 04:58 PM
This looks wonderful...except I can't read any of this stuff because of the terrible backrounds. Please just post it in the forum or something, this is unbearable.

Cipher Stars
2013-07-05, 06:39 PM
I assume this is a word document. Can you copy/paste the text into the forum?

It sounds like a smart idea at first, except for the fact that the tables (And there be plenty of tables, some a bit complicated) would not copy.


I agree, the text is really hard to read.

My suggestions in no particular order on Deadlock (the only one I've read so far)

When you use a background, make it a paler watermark and make your text darker.

Your tables are messed up because you didn't put in the hyphen marks to indicate blank cells so it merged cells together.

"BaB" looks weird since it stands for Base Attack Bonus. It should be "BAB".

I removed unnecessary text and fixed some other grammar issues (in particular single subject with plural object: a single deadlock is not a "their" it is is an "it" a "her" or a "him".



Also, why did this ability come first before the ones gained at first level? I can only assume you didn't edit this document before making a pdf of it.

For emphasis, I bolded the sections I feel were problematic. Gaining a bonus of Cha x level is a bit much. Also, what do you mean by times the "darkness's level" as darkness doesn't have levels.

Debby


I wanted the backgrounds to be clearly visible and adjusted them until, to me, I just have weird monitor settings or something, there was a perfect balance between clarity of the text and visibility of the image.

But like I said, apparently my monitor settings are weird or perhaps I'm colorblind on some level. Who knows.


The cells aren't merged. There are simply no lines between them. Just empty space and the invisible lines of code keeping them separate. Unless for some reason you're seeing something I'm not when I look at the PDF, Scribd, or word document.


Shadow veil is an integral part of the class and is also a first level ability. Is there a problem with it being displayed first? :/

I recalled reading about stages of darkness and light levels, a scale of luminosity. Keep in mind without internet I had no access to verify anything. My own uncertainty can be seen when I said "Or simply plus her class levels including Paragon levels".





http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982154/Alright?secret_password=2axsq0iiavtbouktel2m

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982151/Death-Lock?secret_password=wuae2gaq91awwce4tvj

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982149/Fe-Vir-if-Ication?secret_password=zidk3jl16zr4us1fmam

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982146/Helin?secret_password=1fv07hw7xxrh8dlmjayd

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982143/Hell-Breaker?secret_password=2kxuelz2a5fu8tqkcen

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982136/Saiel?secret_password=19v3mgi0nl4c651b728w



The updated Living Alar, Seraph, and Wandering Devas are being stubborn little bishes and wont upload. Re-post them after they get their act together and upload the hell up. Irritating me to heck because all the above uploaded in seconds, as did the three but they were incorrectly saved and I had to go back to fix them again.



http://www.scribd.com/doc/151982567/Wandering-Devas?secret_password=nstpvabqcihtcl8z81z

http://www.scribd.com/doc/151984501/Living-Altar?secret_password=wem5op3lytxzrhq7y3o

Dang. Scribd hates the Seraph.



http://www.scribd.com/doc/151984498/The-Seraph?secret_password=1cua3ea7to6bzh2ppz6r

AuraTwilight
2013-07-05, 08:13 PM
I have to say, "The Seraph", "Wandering Devas", and "Living Altar" are the only creations I even remotely like, and while I like the idea of these three I'm not sure about their balance. The Matryonic Devas, for instance, seem WAAAY more powerful and special-snowflakey than their traditional succubi counterparts, and I'm not sure why the Living Altars being 'the cuddle class' need all this fluff about being the leftovers of dead gods and ohmigosh they are so special you don't even know~.

Mechanics aside, I'm not entirely sure it's wise for your entries to be so 'special'-oozing. It's really hard to argue against their Mary Sue potential with a prospective DM with their fluff.