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View Full Version : When real life threatens your play



Kol Korran
2013-07-05, 06:45 PM
My group is in their 30s. A few have children, most have time consuming jobs, and I am a med student, in a quite intensive program. Non the less, for a few years now we have managed to meet about once every 2-4 weeks, played long sessions, and it worked for us.

Then, about a year- year and a bit ago things subtly... changed. We seemed to have gotten busier perhaps? I wasn't able to devote enough time to a campaign I was DMing, and another guy took over and continued an old adventure. And though we played a few sessions in it, things felt strained. We started meeting less and less, and the DM itself had suddenly declared that he too can't devote the time to DM and is burned out.

So I sought a less preparation-time-consuming system than D&D, and came upon FATE core, which I really loved (For other reasons as well other than time mangement). And I suggested to run a short game to see if we like it. We decided on a post apocalyptic game, similar to Fallout in theme, and we ran a session which most players liked. (One didn't quite connect to it). The session didn't end the adventure, and so we decided to continue, which will happen next week.

But still, we have a very hard time setting sessions. This time it was nearly two months (!) between sessions. I'm worried that the problem with setting sessions isn't just due to problematic schedules, but also due to enthusiasm waning. I've talked with two of the four other member of the group, and they did relate that it's not quite the same. One has already started to look for an alternate group. :smallsigh: They also say that the one player that didn't connect, who is more of a crunch player than a roleplay guy (Which is much more pronounced in FATE, practically part of the mechanics!), is losing interest fast, and may be hard to pull on. We are all tired and frustrated by the efforts of trying to make our combined schedules work... I intend to speak to the other two members this week hopefully. If not after the FATE session.

I want to try and understand exactly why the interest is waning, and how to try and revive it in the group. This is a GOOD group, and I'll be very sad to see it go. So if you dear forum members have any suggestions, questions, or comments, please help.

Thanks in advance,
Kol.

Mr Beer
2013-07-05, 06:57 PM
**** happens. My last group of over a decade gradually died away and it took me a year to put together another. People change, move, get new priorities etc.

valadil
2013-07-05, 07:14 PM
I had a group that met weekly for about 6 years straight. I had to bail when I had a kid and I haven't played since, but I think what worked for that group could help.

1. Keep it regular. Scheduling games periodically sucks. It's an added task for the GM and without regularity the players won't be able to schedule around the game. If everyone knows that tuesday night is game night, they'll be able to resist making other plans then.

2. But don't burn out the GM. We played once a week, but nobody had time to write a game every week. Instead we alternated. We'd have two games going at a time. I'd run one game. Next week someone else would run their's. Another week later it would be back to me. Two weeks off was usually enough time for anyone to prep. And when it wasn't we'd have a board game night, just to keep the regularity from breaking up.

(I suppose #2 is only possible with lots of GMs. Literally everyone in that group GMed at some point or another.)

navar100
2013-07-05, 07:18 PM
RPGs aren't that much different than Make Believe, House, Cops & Robbers, and Cowboys & Indians. It's those children's games with defined rules and dice. Playing a RPG doesn't make you immature, but sometimes things you like as a child you don't as an adult. It's not just games. It could be television shows, movies, books. Your perception changes.

To help get the interest back into an RPG try a different perspective. Game night is your "poker night". It's a chance to chill and hang out with friends. You're away from work, away from the stress of family. You love your spouse and kids, but you need "me time". It's not about the game.

Toofey
2013-07-05, 08:10 PM
as sad as this is to say, it may just be time to find a new group with a more similar schedule/availability. Certainly stay friends with your friends and try to get together with this group, but if there's more kids it's probably becoming a less regular group, meanwhile if you found a group with a similar schedule to yours you may still be able to play more.

Endarire
2013-07-05, 08:20 PM
What is your meeting mostly about, the people or the game?

If it's playing a specific game/setting/adventure, you can find other people. If it's foremost about your current group, then y'all need to account for that.

If you seek other real-life players, consider asking at church, game stores, work, and in places you trust. Currently, the game I'm running (a homebrew variant of 3.5) started because I talked with someone at church about D&D and he became interested. I talked to people around church and got 2 other people on board.

TheCountAlucard
2013-07-05, 09:10 PM
It's been over a year since I've had a real-life game; I've pretty much been reduced to Skype and forums, and barely even that.

Velaryon
2013-07-05, 09:44 PM
I feel your pain. I've gamed maybe twice this year so far, thanks to grad school starting up. Some of my friends are gaming several times a week, others haven't gamed at all this year because of things like house hunting, etc.

I've learned a few things while trying to schedule games in the past:

1. Sometimes it's just not possible to game with some people if real life is getting in the way too much for them. Either they don't have time to game at all, or there's just no overlap between your schedule and theirs. When this happens you need to just accept it and game without them until your schedules line up again.

2. Personally, I consider my gaming group a priority (behind things like work, school, and spending at least some time with your significant other), and am willing to move other obligations around to the best of my ability in order to game. Some people are not willing to do this. If you're not free on the one day that's convenient for them, then you're not gaming with them. When you have people like this, you need to decide whether you're able/willing to fit yourself to their schedule, or whether to game with someone else.

3. Having a regular schedule helps immensely. If one night a week (or every two weeks or whatever) is designated as gaming night, then people are often more willing to try and keep that night open. It's a lot easier than having everyone look at their schedules and try to find one night they all haven't filled up yet.

4. Sometimes you have to play with less than a full group. This is another way that a regular gaming schedule helps, because if you have a set gaming night and someone can't make it, they're less likely to be unhappy if you go ahead and play without them.

BWR
2013-07-06, 08:12 AM
Kids can definitely put a crimp in RPG sessions. So far only one of my group has kids, and he was almost entirely gone for the first couple of years. Now, his kids are getting older (youngest is nearly 5), so he has time to make it to games once or twice a month. Sometimes he comes a bit later than the rest of us, but he makes an effort.

And that is the crux of the matter: is gaming so important you are willing to put effort into it? If it is, you can almost always find some time.
If it isn't worth the effort, people drop out. I've had friends drop out of gaming because of kids and jobs. I've also had friends keep gaming despite these things.

hymer
2013-07-06, 08:31 AM
This could seriously be the end. Then you need to pick up the pieces of the splintered group as best possible and get some new guys in, until you get a group that's workable.

It could just be a slump, though.

My suggestion is to either shake things up, or give it time. Considering how much rests on the creativity and energy of the GM, it's no wonder things are looking down when s/he feels burned out.

The most intense enthusiasm from players I've ever seen was when I ran a campaign inspired by Westmarches (http://arsludi.lamemage.com/index.php/78/grand-experiments-west-marches/). Our average age was about 30 then (about 8 players in the pool, plenty of demanding jobs and I guess 5 kids or so), but it was an unusual week if there wasn't a session.
It does require an awful lot of the GM, though.

Good luck, regardless.

Jay R
2013-07-06, 11:50 AM
You are becoming grown-ups, and the game will never be your top priority again. Accept it, play when you can, and focus on your real life.

Kol Korran
2013-07-08, 08:08 AM
Thanks for the various responses guys. I'll refer to some points that came up. First of all, we are already grown. the game was never the most important things in out lives, it was always at most a hobby that we did once in awhile, but it is a fun hobby, and I'd like to keep it. We enjoy our families, most of us enjoy ours jobs, but other than that we have precious little time for socializing and having fun with friends, and this is one way to do it.

We mostly play for the company I think, but also for a creative outlet for imagination, roleplaying as being someone else at times, and for a fun cooperative story. I think the game (The people mostly) are important for most of the group, and they are willing to make some effort for it, or so I'd believe. One player I'm far less sure of in this matter, but he is fun as well, and I'd hate to see him go. It's less about the specific game system/ setting/ campaign than it is about just gaming and having fun with these set of people. We try to meet outside the game (In smaller groups, but even that takes some serious schedule making), but the game has an added benefit- it is something we all enjoy, we all contribute to and help create, and an activity in which we are engaged and find fun to share.

On the suggestion to "keep it regular"- We have a set day of the week, only we can't play every week (or two weeks for that matter). This is mostly due to my schedule however which tends to be far more hectic and changes about every month- two months due to my program. (Med School + work and such). But perhaps I can make it work more? I'll try to.

We used to be ok with meeting once every 3 weeks- month, Only now the meetings are spaced wider, every 6-8 weeks which really kills the interest.

I'll think of this some more, thanks for the sympathy and the advice. :smallsmile:

prufock
2013-07-08, 09:18 AM
Yep. As a single guy who just started a new dating/relationship situation, I know it ain't easy. We normally game once a week, always on a weekend (one of our members starts work at 6am M-F, so Friday and Saturdays are the only real possible game nights). When you're dating someone who isn't a gamer, that isn't the best schedule. Luckily my girl is awesome and understanding that I want to take some weekend nights to play fantastical make-believe.

It's a tough balance - on the one hand, you can't give up everything you enjoy for a new girl; on the other hand, gaming on a prime "date night" makes me feel I'm missing out on quality time with her. We manage to compromise, but it's easy to see how gaming can become a lower priority.

PS. I second the idea of trying a new game. If you're feeling stagnant, switching to a board game, a card game, or a different RPG like Paranoia! or Mutants & Masterminds can be a good breather.

Deepbluediver
2013-07-08, 10:18 AM
@OP

I had a thread a little while back in the recruitment forum where I was trying to find people interested in RL games (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=278639). It wasn't very popular, but if you give me your city I'll add you to the list and maybe someday I'll get it going again.

That goes for anyone else in this thread, too.

Kol Korran
2013-07-08, 02:18 PM
PS. I second the idea of trying a new game. If you're feeling stagnant, switching to a board game, a card game, or a different RPG like Paranoia! or Mutants & Masterminds can be a good breather.
This is what I'm trying to do! We've recently tried Fate (played one session with it, this Saturday will be the second). we also changed the genre. The two main benefits I see in Fate is that it's much simpler to run (especially for the DM), and that it involves the players much more in the cooperative story telling than D&D does. Most of my players seem to like it, but one is sort of hesitant (His interest in RPGs is less the roleplay, and more the mechanical aspects, which are very simplified in FATE)


@OP

I had a thread a little while back in the recruitment forum where I was trying to find people interested in RL games (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=278639). It wasn't very popular, but if you give me your city I'll add you to the list and maybe someday I'll get it going again.

That goes for anyone else in this thread, too.
Thanks. I live in Israel though, and our country's roleplay community has a dedicated site for gaming search. It works fairly well. The main problem isn't finding a pool of players, but finding players that match your availability and your play style and sensibilities. Cool idea though!

Barsoom
2013-07-08, 02:52 PM
Here's some advice I generally find useful for overcoming the pull of real life. Some of it was already given in this thread, but bears repeating.

1. Schedule meetings regularly. If people know there's always a game on Tuesday, they can make arrangements with their work/wife/babysitter or whatnot. Dragging endless email discussions about "so, when are you guys free to play..." doesn't help anyone.

2. But not too regularly. Give people time to breathe. At this stage in their lives, weekly gaming is probably too much for your players. Try once in two weeks, even three, but have some schedule.

3. If a player can't make it, they can't make it. Don't cancel. Too often I see DMs trying to be all nice and accommodating, and whenever a player can't make it to a game, they immediately cancel and start the above-mentioned email discussion. Remember, you respect the player who can't make it, but you need to also respect those who do make it and provide them with a good game. The player who couldn't make it will make it next time.

4. If you game rarely, don't waste time on technicalities. Handle level-ups, treasure Identifying, and anything else that doesn't require player-GM face-time by email. When you meet to game, you just game.

5. Also don't waste time on arguments. Sometimes, as a DM, it will mean cutting an argument short with Rules 0. To compensate, sometimes it will mean letting a player get away with something. Be flexible.

6. I actually don't believe in "mixing things up" with different game systems. This only serves to confuse the group by moving away from its core strengths. If they like D&D <whatever> edition, give them that. Life is too short to waste looking for the 'perfect game system'. Do with what's working. If it requires more prep time, so be it. Who said it's gonna be easy? Who said it even can be easy?

DigoDragon
2013-07-11, 07:22 AM
My case is a bit funny in that it's the younger players having issues attending. Us older folks have jobs and families, but our work schedules usually give us Saturdays free. We throw the kids together and they're having fun in one room while we're a room over playing RPGs. Seems to work out.

For the younger players however, college is what's killing their availability. They have to spend Saturdays doing research papers and thus they can't always attend. So half our party tends to be missing on many sessions. One of our members is stuck in Europe for whatever reason...

Kol Korran
2013-07-14, 08:42 AM
Well, it seems that my concerns are mostly relieved. We played a great sessions last night, at the end I asked the group about the issues I brought up in this thread. They agreed that the ime constraints were taking their toll, but they said that they are still enthusiastic about play, and wish the group to go on. They feel the change of setting, more than the change of system is a nice change of pace, but we'll discuss the merits of each system later on.

It doesn't much matter though because the core issue is that they wish to continue playing with this group, and feel it is worth it despite the hassle. Or as one player (And to an extent Jay R) said- "We're just have busier schedules, and less time. But we still like to play!" :smallsmile:

So thanks everyone for your suggestions. I think we'll do ok! :smalltongue:

Killer Angel
2013-07-14, 12:04 PM
Well, it seems that my concerns are mostly relieved. We played a great sessions last night, at the end I asked the group about the issues I brought up in this thread. They agreed that the ime constraints were taking their toll, but they said that they are still enthusiastic about play, and wish the group to go on. They feel the change of setting, more than the change of system is a nice change of pace, but we'll discuss the merits of each system later on.

It doesn't much matter though because the core issue is that they wish to continue playing with this group, and feel it is worth it despite the hassle. Or as one player (And to an extent Jay R) said- "We're just have busier schedules, and less time. But we still like to play!" :smallsmile:

So thanks everyone for your suggestions. I think we'll do ok! :smalltongue:

I'm glad for you. :smallsmile:
Our schedule was 1 time/week. Actually (with almost all of us more than 40 years old), it's still 1/week, but the "session-time" has diminished, and many of us have difficulties to be present every session, so every week someone is absent. But the dices are still rolling!
(It helps to have understanding wifes and recently, we introduced little campaigns for our most grown up children... :smallwink:)

DM Rage
2013-07-16, 11:02 PM
Just growing up. It happens to us all unfortunately. A decade later, and groupless, you will be surfing a forum like me remembering the days when you had no kids and all the time in the world to do what you wanted. Most of my time is now spent playing with my kids, upgrading my education and doing genealogy research. My male friends consist of my buddies at work and my wife's friends husbands. We are all uncomfortably shoved into a little room together while the women chat loudly. We sit there and talk about the best routes to work or if this or that team will make the playoffs this year. We may also hang out near the barbeque in summertime. Date nights consist of trips to home depot. I have become Will Feral in Old School.

Killer Angel
2013-07-17, 06:07 AM
Just growing up. It happens to us all unfortunately. A decade later, and groupless, you will be surfing a forum like me remembering the days when you had no kids and all the time in the world to do what you wanted. Most of my time is now spent playing with my kids, upgrading my education and doing genealogy research. My male friends consist of my buddies at work and my wife's friends husbands. We are all uncomfortably shoved into a little room together while the women chat loudly. We sit there and talk about the best routes to work or if this or that team will make the playoffs this year. We may also hang out near the barbeque in summertime. Date nights consist of trips to home depot. I have become Will Feral in Old School.

I know how life (and growing up) is, but... don't give up! :smallwink:

Barsoom
2013-07-17, 02:35 PM
Just growing up. It happens to us all unfortunately. A decade later, and groupless, you will be surfing a forum like me remembering the days when you had no kids and all the time in the world to do what you wanted. Most of my time is now spent playing with my kids, upgrading my education and doing genealogy research. My male friends consist of my buddies at work and my wife's friends husbands. We are all uncomfortably shoved into a little room together while the women chat loudly. We sit there and talk about the best routes to work or if this or that team will make the playoffs this year. We may also hang out near the barbeque in summertime. Date nights consist of trips to home depot. I have become Will Feral in Old School.Although I can on many levels sympathize, what you're describing is not growing up, it's growing old.

Alejandro
2013-07-17, 02:52 PM
This is one of the many reasons I made the decision not to have children :)

DM Rage
2013-07-17, 04:11 PM
Although I can on many levels sympathize, what you're describing is not growing up, it's growing old.

LOL. BUT I'M ONLY 33.

Barsoom
2013-07-17, 04:40 PM
This is one of the many reasons I made the decision not to have children :)
I have three children and I still play D&D. The oldest kid plays with us, while the middle kid babysits the youngest. It's a perfect arrangement!

Calmar
2013-07-17, 05:18 PM
Real life is trying to kill my games all the time... :smallfrown:

Gamgee
2013-07-18, 01:54 AM
For the COLONY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43MkelKEU_0)! I would never allow my group to die, it will survive no matter what. It came close to being obliterated over time several times. I will never allow it to fall, you will have to pry the dice from my cold dead hands. Now that is out of the way.

Try another system or setting, perhaps it's just too much of the same? Also sometimes "planning" is completely unnecessary. Practice at making **** up on the fly. Then again you could simply be done with ttrpg's for now.

Edit
Due to a unique situation I will have all of the time in the world within reason, which is a double edged sword. I feel like a battle hardened veteran here, seeing player after player coming and going.

Killer Angel
2013-07-18, 06:01 AM
LOL. BUT I'M ONLY 33.

therefore, it is even more serious! :smalltongue:

Bulhakov
2013-07-18, 05:11 PM
My advice - meet up with the same group for non-gaming reasons. Take a roadtrip together or just have a few beers instead of the game and talk about random topics.

I'm a 30+ ex gamer and GM, and though I love to forum lurk and give advice to younger GMs, I understand that friendship is more important than keeping a game going. Gaming sessions, especially good gaming sessions that draw everyone in really take up too much time for a responsible adult to work into their schedule.

However, have some short one-shot adventures prepared just in case. I've played some good games that lasted 2-3 nights during evenings at a mountain lodge with my old gaming group.