I am interested in highly sub-optimal and plain silly magical items

[evangaline]

Greetings,

I have been granted a new group to DM, and these guys are fairly new to D&D. I have been giving them some items that i have always wanted but i could never get. 'the rod of wonder' and 'the decanter of endless blood'.
Yes, a decanter of endless blood. Why blood? Well, you should have seen their faces when she said geyser... ^^

Ah, I might forget the whip of dominate person and the quas tree tokens. Heh, its great fun!

Now to the main point: As i have been tossing the silly items at them i have ran out. I am interested in the some silly-stupid-useless-pointless magical items you guys made, would you care to share?
Evrything is fine, the party is good though, so necromantic items are not as useful.

Oh, another question, I came up with an D&D grenade. Make an hollow iron ball, fill it with water, heat metal on it and then throw it. How much dmng do you guys think it would do?

[Xefas]

Drow Valentine
This brightly wrapped box is light-weight and sports a massive decorative bow. When the box is opened- OH GOD SPIDERS, AAAAARGH, WHY!? WHY!? WHERE IS MY GOD NOW?! A Spider Swarm is magically spawned in the same space as the opener and immediately joins battle, almost certainly gaining a surprise round. The swarm will viciously concentrate on the box-opener first but, afterwards, becomes a free-willed mass of angry spiders. The spiders last only 10 minutes before disappearing, leaving the valentine an ordinary and non-magical box.

The colloquial name "Drow Valentine" is derived both from the Drow affinity for spiders, but also for their propensity to murder their significant others.

Faint Conjuration; CL 3rd; Craft Wondrous Item, Summon Swarm; Price 300gp

[NichG]

Greetings,

I have been granted a new group to DM, and these guys are fairly new to D&D. I have been giving them some items that i have always wanted but i could never get. 'the rod of wonder' and 'the decanter of endless blood'.
Yes, a decanter of endless blood. Why blood? Well, you should have seen their faces when she said geyser... ^^

Ah, I might forget the whip of dominate person and the quas tree tokens. Heh, its great fun!

Now to the main point: As i have been tossing the silly items at them i have ran out. I am interested in the some silly-stupid-useless-pointless magical items you guys made, would you care to share?
Evrything is fine, the party is good though, so necromantic items are not as useful.


Brush of Color Alteration: This brush can permanently change the color of objects. It works in 5ft^2 sections and always 'picks up' the color of the last object it altered (so if you change a black object into red, the brush changes the next object into black). The brush is 'preloaded' with a random color.

Beer Mug Soul Parasite: This is actually a small spiritual parasite that lodges itself in the victim's soul. While it feeds off of an unnoticeable fraction of the user's spiritual energy, in exchange it allows the user to materialize an Incarnum beer mug filled with beer at will. The user appears mildly disturbing to beings who can perceive souls.

The Charlatan's Tarot: This Tarot deck can be used for fake readings. The person to whom the deck is attuned can hold a certain card in mind and that card will always be the next one drawn. This can even create inconsistent deck compositions (every card in the deck becomes the Death card, etc). Highly skilled users can change the artwork, e.g. to make cards look like they feature people from the querent's past. When someone else examines the deck, it appears perfectly normal. In order to attune to the deck, someone merely has to perform a reading using the deck for someone else.

Scroll of Many Names: This scroll has lines of ink which constantly move and flow across its surface. It lists the names of every sentient creature within 10 miles of the scroll at any time, cycling through a new page of names every 30 seconds if the number of names exceeds the space on the page. The names are always written in Infernal.

Jar of Moments: This jar is found containing 1 to 6 translucent, irregular stones of various colors, each about half an inch in diameter. Each stone, when removed from the jar, quickly softens and melts. If the liquid touches the skin or is ingested by someone, they experience a random emotionally charged moment from someone else's past (the previous bearer of the jar, most likely). Details are lost, but the emotions and context remain.

Someone who concentrates on a memory and allows a drop of their blood to drip into the jar can create a new stone corresponding to that experience - forgetting it in the process. The jar can hold at most 6 stones.

Amulet of Impatience: A trinket used by those who simply can't stand to wait or deal with things over long periods of time. This amulet, when activated, causes any effects on the user that would normally be delayed in their outcome to instead take place immediately - this causes poisons to immediately provoke a second save, contingencies to immediately fire even if their triggers have not been met, etc.

Effects that apply for a duration, rather than after a delay, are not accelerated (so e.g. paralysis would not end sooner). Similarly, things which require some particular time period of activity (such as spell research) are also not accelerated.



Oh, another question, I came up with an D&D grenade. Make an hollow iron ball, fill it with water, heat metal on it and then throw it. How much dmng do you guys think it would do?

None, or very little. It's doubtful that you'd be able to heat the water sufficiently to actually burst the container within the short period of time that Heat Metal functions. If you made the iron thin enough (e.g. soda-can) then it might burst, but with very little force - most of the damage would be splash damage from the scalding water - probably just 1 point, given Alchemist's Fire as a model.

[Veklim]

Memorable Weapon
This weapon enchancement serves but a single purpose, simply allowing the current owner to remember exactly where the weapon was last placed by themselves whether they have it on their person or not. If another person has since moved it, you still remember only where it was last placed by you.
It has been speculated this enchantment was designed by a Bard who frequently forgot where he had secreted hidden knives, and serves no other purpose.

Faint Divination, CL 3rd, Craft Arms and Armour, Arcane Mark, +100 gp

[WhiteLycan]

Scroll of Many Names: This scroll has lines of ink which constantly move and flow across its surface. It lists the names of every sentient creature within 10 miles of the scroll at any time, cycling through a new page of names every 30 seconds if the number of names exceeds the space on the page. The names are always written in Infernal.

Jar of Moments: This jar is found containing 1 to 6 translucent, irregular stones of various colors, each about half an inch in diameter. Each stone, when removed from the jar, quickly softens and melts. If the liquid touches the skin or is ingested by someone, they experience a random emotionally charged moment from someone else's past (the previous bearer of the jar, most likely). Details are lost, but the emotions and context remain.

Scroll of Many Names: I'd love to have this in my player castle. Know the name of every single person inside it and know when someone comes within 10 miles of my castle as soon as it happens.

Jar of Moments: New highly addictive drug, anyone? =P



One of my favorite pre-existing semi-useless magic items is the folding boat. Now before anyone says "But an instant ship is extremely useful!" I have some context. I was running Expedition to Undermountain with 2 of my friends and they had just completed like the 3rd or 4th encounter. I rolled for treasure (normally I roll for treasure beforehand, but this was a spur-of-the-moment get-together) and happened to get a minor wondrous item which turned out to be a folding boat. Now if you're familiar with expedition to undermountain, you'll know that there are almost no areas at all to make use of the item. So naturally, my players spent the next 3 or 4 hours searching for a large body of water they could sail their new boat on, quest be damned. Had a lot of fun.

[redfeline]

(Sorry my spell checker is down right now.)

My wife and I are working on an artifact "The orb of Meh" When ever a decision is made with in 30 feet of the orb roll 1d20. If the orb triggers the lazziest action or the first suggested action must be followed. The orb activates on the roll of 1 initially. After not activateing it activates on a roll of 2 or less, then 3 or less, and so on until it goes off. It will then reset and start back at 1. If the party starts trying make decisions 30 feet or so away from it some one has a 75% chance of takeing it to that spot because "Meh what ever."


Aside from that I like the cursed necklace of the totally deep. It grants a +4cha bonus after a day, it also makes them more atractive. Each day there after it reduces your int and wisdom by 1 each day until -4. After that the user starts to look and act more like a valley girl. The nacklace always goes perfectly with what the user wears.

On your grenade, physically it might not work. Not sure why that matters in a game about magic. So I would probably match the damage the spell does, except do it all at once thater then over several turns.

[evangaline]

Beer Mug Soul Parasite: This is actually a small spiritual parasite that lodges itself in the victim's soul. While it feeds off of an unnoticeable fraction of the user's spiritual energy, in exchange it allows the user to materialize an Incarnum beer mug filled with beer at will. The user appears mildly disturbing to beings who can perceive souls.

Scroll of Many Names: This scroll has lines of ink which constantly move and flow across its surface. It lists the names of every sentient creature within 10 miles of the scroll at any time, cycling through a new page of names every 30 seconds if the number of names exceeds the space on the page. The names are always written in Infernal.

Jar of Moments: This jar is found containing 1 to 6 translucent, irregular stones of various colors, each about half an inch in diameter. Each stone, when removed from the jar, quickly softens and melts. If the liquid touches the skin or is ingested by someone, they experience a random emotionally charged moment from someone else's past (the previous bearer of the jar, most likely). Details are lost, but the emotions and context remain.

Someone who concentrates on a memory and allows a drop of their blood to drip into the jar can create a new stone corresponding to that experience - forgetting it in the process. The jar can hold at most 6 stones.

Amulet of Impatience: A trinket used by those who simply can't stand to wait or deal with things over long periods of time. This amulet, when activated, causes any effects on the user that would normally be delayed in their outcome to instead take place immediately - this causes poisons to immediately provoke a second save, contingencies to immediately fire even if their triggers have not been met, etc.

Effects that apply for a duration, rather than after a delay, are not accelerated (so e.g. paralysis would not end sooner). Similarly, things which require some particular time period of activity (such as spell research) are also not accelerated.

These are the kind of items i have been looking for, Thanks!



None, or very little. It's doubtful that you'd be able to heat the water sufficiently to actually burst the container within the short period of time that Heat Metal functions. If you made the iron thin enough (e.g. soda-can) then it might burst, but with very little force - most of the damage would be splash damage from the scalding water - probably just 1 point, given Alchemist's Fire as a model.

I guess you are right, I'm going to stick with what the guy below said though :smallbiggrin:


Memorable Weapon
This weapon enchancement serves but a single purpose, simply allowing the current owner to remember exactly where the weapon was last placed by themselves whether they have it on their person or not. If another person has since moved it, you still remember only where it was last placed by you.
It has been speculated this enchantment was designed by a Bard who frequently forgot where he had secreted hidden knives, and serves no other purpose.
I would love having that IRL, it's a great enhancement for keys!

(Sorry my spell checker is down right now.)

My wife and I are working on an artifact "The orb of Meh" When ever a decision is made with in 30 feet of the orb roll 1d20. If the orb triggers the lazziest action or the first suggested action must be followed. The orb activates on the roll of 1 initially. After not activateing it activates on a roll of 2 or less, then 3 or less, and so on until it goes off. It will then reset and start back at 1. If the party starts trying make decisions 30 feet or so away from it some one has a 75% chance of takeing it to that spot because "Meh what ever."

Aside from that I like the cursed necklace of the totally deep. It grants a +4cha bonus after a day, it also makes them more atractive. Each day there after it reduces your int and wisdom by 1 each day until -4. After that the user starts to look and act more like a valley girl. The nacklace always goes perfectly with what the user wears.
Hehe, the orb is going to be part of the next loothaul... ^^


On your grenade, physically it might not work. Not sure why that matters in a game about magic. So I would probably match the damage the spell does, except do it all at once thater then over several turns.
Seems like the most enjoyable thing too do, thanks!

As much as I want to give the spidertrap (aka drow's valintine) to my players, I do fear the amount of book that will start flying in my general direction :smallsmile:

[Pocket lint]

Bowling ball
When thrown, this leather ball will travel up to 100' or until it hits the next solid surface. Any loose items or creatures in its path will be knocked over, and the ball then falls down and rolls back towards the user at a speed of 20' per round. The ball can be picked up by anyone while it's rolling back.

Bowl of dieting
When stones or dirt are placed in this bowl, they are magically transformed into a bread-like substance. The substance has all the flavour and texture of regular bread... and none of the nutrition. You can literally starve to death when eating only from this bowl, and not notice.

Dust of Coughing
When thrown to the ground, this dust turns into an irritating cloud, stinging eyes and lungs, and causing all within its area to be paralysed with coughing, including the user. (The dust can't be thrown far enough away to avoid affecting the user)

Elixir of slipperiness
After consuming this elixir, the user gains a +4 bonus to Escape Artist and grapple resistance rolls. However, he is also personally subjected to the effects of a Grease spell, and has to make a DC 15 Dex check to hold on to anything in his hands.

Gloves of Pyrite
When worn, these cursed gloves turns any nonliving material the user touches into what appears and feels like solid gold (to a limit of 10 cubic feet per touch). If the touched object is scraped / melted or otherwise attempted to have the gold extracted, the gold turns out to be a layer too thin to contain enough of value, and the object reverts to its original appearance. NB this means the user will have to be fed while wearing these - he can't feed himself.

Sword of Warning
Whether wielded or in a scabbard, this sword will detect any evil creature within 200', and start loudly shouting a warning in Elvish. If more than one creature is within range, the sword will focus on the one with the most HD. The sword has no other bonuses.

Bracelet of faithfulness
This bracelet is outwardly appealing - gold, engravings etc. When worn, it makes the wearer completely uninterested in any sexual relations (getting a -4 to any rolls to suggest them, and automatically succeeding in resisting attempts), and also makes him/her immune to any charm effects. It's also cursed...

[Veklim]

Eternal Boots of Discomfort
When donned, these boots seem to fit well, moulding to the foot as one expects with any magical boots. They never wear out and seem all but impervious to even the most potent of magical attacks (Hardness 50). However, once equipped for more than 1d4 hours, they start to chaffe somewhat and quickly become uncomfortable to wear, granting a -2 distraction penalty to all d20 rolls. Furthermore, once they start to chaffe they lock to the foot, requiring a DC 35 Fortitude save to remove unless the magic is supressed by an antimagic effect.

Strong Abjuration & Necromancy; CL 7; Craft Wondrous Item; Stoneskin, Bestow Curse; Market Price 4000 gp

[7th son of sons]

Mirror of Dwarven Beauty

This large, gold and jewel framed mirror appears particularly attractive and of masterful craftsmanship. However, when one gazes into the mirror, they see themselves with a full beard. If the character spends a full round transfixed by this image, they find that they have grown the beard in reality as well. The beard is very stylish, and provides a +2 to charisma checks made to influence dwarves. If the beard is shaved, a successful profession(Barber) check is required (DC 25). If this is successful, the character retains a permanent 5 o'clock shadow, giving them a permanent +1 Handsome bonus to charisma checks. If this check is failed, the beard is trimmed in a particularly poor style, causing them to take a -(25-Result/5, minimum 1) style penalty to all charisma checks, until the beard regrows in 1d6 days.

Medium Transmutation, CL 10, Craft Wonderous Item, Silverbeard, Eagles Splendor, Market Price: 8,550

[redfeline]

We just ran the orb last night in the worlds largest dungeon. It is keeping our horrible cheese game fun.

[King G]

Oh, another question, I came up with an D&D grenade. Make an hollow iron ball, fill it with water, heat metal on it and then throw it. How much dmng do you guys think it would do?

I made a DnD grenade (of a sorts)--It's a molotov cocktail.


Take a bottle of hard (pure) alchohol (or empty a bottle of regular booze and fill it with something a little more flammable/explodey).
Tear off a strip from your clothing and saturate it with the flammable stuff.
Cram the saturated rag halfway into the bottle.
For use: Light the end of the rag sticking out the top, and throw in direction of target.

For damage value, you'll need to figure that out yourself as you see fit (I don't remember what damage the DM assigned to it at the time).

I once used three of them in one go--slammed them all at the feet of a town watchman who was about three feet away from me. It wasn't pretty (for him or for me--he died, and I came out of it with about 3 remaining HP), but it did manage to scare the pee out of the second watchman who had been about to enter the room.

Addendum to post: No...No, the DM never allowed my character to find an alchemist lab again, or any other place with vials full of chemicals and other fun things. (Probably because I chugged half the chemicals within the first five minutes, and proceeded to hallucinate that teammates were opponents, picked a fight with a support pillar, and then dropped unconscious when I head-butted a wall).

[Snowyowl]

Ring of anti-healing

When worn, allows you to cast Harm on yourself several times per day. It did heal the undead villain that was carrying it, but it's presumably not as useful to the still-living PCs.

[OzymandiasX]

Water of Youth
Drink this potion and it reduces your age by d6 years. If your age would go below 0, you cease to exist.

Whisper Flask
You can open this flask and whisper a secret into it. Next time someone opens it, the whisper comes out. If they don't have their ear up to it immediately, a Listen check DC 15 is required.


Oh, another question, I came up with an D&D grenade. Make an hollow iron ball, fill it with water, heat metal on it and then throw it. How much dmng do you guys think it would do?None. It won't get hot enough to do what you want, because as the pressure inside increases, so does the boiling point of water. Consider steam engines (which have to be MASSIVE just to produce a few horsepower) vs combustion engines. And the speed of the explosion of combustible gas is tiny compared to the speed of expansion of a high explosive like a grenade. You could use it to make tea, though... which would actually be another cool magic item to add to the list:

Instant Tea Maker
A hollow metal sphere that, when filled with water and shaken, heats the water to near boiling. Tea leaves or ground coffee beans added to the water add +4 to flavor!

[King G]

Dust of Coughing
When thrown to the ground, this dust turns into an irritating cloud, stinging eyes and lungs, and causing all within its area to be paralysed with coughing, including the user. (The dust can't be thrown far enough away to avoid affecting the user)

Does this mean if you throw it from 100 feet straight up in the air, it'll produce a cloud with a radius of 100 feet?
And what happens if you have the dust contained in a box that's rigged to explode/fall apart on impact with the ground (so as to avoid having the dust scatter in the wind and blow back in your face)?

Or is it like a virus on a time-delay; when you start coughing, the folks who inhaled it start coughing?

[Zaydos]

Child's Booties
These magically enchanted, and oversized, booties cause the wearer to revert in age to childhood when worn. These booties only function for 1 hour at a time, and cannot be removed or de-activated during this period (unless dispelled or otherwise suppressed).

[Pocket lint]

Hey, I'm just throwing around ideas here. Nothing says creative players can't come up with uses for most of these things. I can see uses for most of them except perhaps the bowl of dieting.

Mirror of Revelation
Functions as a regular mirror, except with a permanent True Seeing effect. Tricky to use in combat.

Boots of Water walking
Will not sink in water. Nothing said about sliding - make your balance checks or you'll be hanging upside down from the surface. Might be handy if you're building a raft.

Necklace of the Desert
Polymorphs the bearer to a camel. The bearer remains fully aware of who he is, but taking the necklace off might be a bit tricky. Depending on how silly the DM is feeling, the polymorph may or may not include clothes.

Horn of Chicken
Twice a minute, can be blown to produce a live chicken. The chicken will vanish in a day unless it's been eaten first. And you also have to catch it.

[TuggyNE]

Does this mean if you throw it from 100 feet straight up in the air, it'll produce a cloud with a radius of 100 feet?

Presumably it scatters into the cloud after going 10 feet or whatever.


And what happens if you have the dust contained in a box that's rigged to explode/fall apart on impact with the ground (so as to avoid having the dust scatter in the wind and blow back in your face)?

Maybe the magic prevents the box from being able to actually scatter it, but it seems this could use addressing.

[Stoneback]

Horn of Chicken
Twice a minute, can be blown to produce a live chicken. The chicken will vanish in a day unless it's been eaten first. And you also have to catch it.

Awesome!

CL 3, Craft Wondrous, Summon Nature's Ally I, Conjuraton (summoning), 800 GP.

Also, I imagine it looks like a Souzaphone, and the chicken springs forth from the bell.

[JBPuffin]

...Okay, I had to make something for this.

Yawning Seed
This seed, when planted in the ground, sprouts a tree that produces more Yawning Seeds. If fed to a person, the target is knocked instantly unconscious, and remains so until woken up, or 6 hours have passed, whichever comes first. The seed cannot be ground up, sliced, chopped or otherwise made into smaller pieces; it must be fed to someone whole, otherwise the effect will not work. Oh, and if someone eats three, a Yawning Tree starts to grow in their stomach. Just saying.

[tbok1992]

The Nipple Clamp of Exquisite Pain.

:Drops the mic: PEACE OUT!