View Full Version : Here is my home brew "Legions" that has taken so long to make...

2015-01-17, 11:17 AM
I hope to get some feedback for this guys! it is supposed to be the vastest game ever, if you ask me...


2015-01-21, 07:19 AM
I have now added a short set of adventures for my game.

2015-01-21, 02:38 PM

I repeat... whu?

Please... get an editor (not even a professional; just a friend who can check your sentence structure). And maybe someone to organize the thing. And maybe someone who understands typographical weighting so it isn't so hard to read.

And beyond that... I started cackling madly when the Neo-Nazi mad scientist wizards accidentally made dragons with their burst of magical energy. I'm assuming that's not the desired outcome?

I feel like a picked up a knock-off Rifts book and skimmed through it, except without the overly long skill list or the organization. It's just got that "kitchen sink with tenuous internal logic" thing going on.

I hope I'm not coming off as dismissive; I really do - but I think you need to go back to the drawing board on this one. The system is clunky, being both overly vague ("if you don't have dice, use math to resolve stuff!") and overly specific (Succubi being really good at creating gossip among members of the opposite sex) simultaneously, while the organization is so poor I can barely tell what I'm reading about half the time (I originally thought the Hybrids section was something that anyone could do until I realized that they were just another race).

And the setting has little internal logic (I mean, it sounds cool in that 90s kinda way, but it doesn't make any sense that most people getting super-powers in first world countries would result in such people being hounded; I mean, you made it sound like we're talking most of the adult population, which means that the purges would target pretty much everyone, which is just plain ridiculous).

Your writing tone is both overly informal AND reads like a rambling lecture. It helps your "case" immensely if you just present stuff without including commentary in the rules or setting information. You can include commentary notes about setting consequences or whatever in a sidebar, but having it in the text just ruins the flow.

In all... you might want to find someone who can act as an editor.