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Dib
2007-05-09, 10:24 AM
he will, but yeah... good advice

he did, so yeah... just drowning in chocolate at the moment...


I doubt it... I really do... If especially if he's thinking "what if this" and "What if that" and that it should be some big, perfect moment with a violinist and rose petals falling from the sky... I think he's just nervous.

I know, I'd love something like that... but mainly I just want to get her on her own... near impossible when her best friend is always like right by her side...

On a side note I had most of lunch break talking to her and just two other mates... one of em knows I like her so wouldn't left if I had said I wanted to do something...

And then we had like 10 minutes completely on our own... and I was trying to lead up to asking her out... but we kept going off in the wrong direction or I couldn't think of the right words at the time...


This is the most important thing. Doesn't mean that you should stop trying though.

Yeah... I should really... and I've got exams coming up... so this happening now is kind of eee...

Cheers again :smallsmile:

Bayushi Koji
2007-05-09, 02:50 PM
Dib.... can I let you in on my secret for asking girls out? Its something it took me a while to learn and you seem like a nice enough chap that I'm happy to share it with you.

Step 1: Are you doing anything [preffered time frame to take her out, eg: weekend]

Step 2: Listen to her answer, if it involves phrases like 'going to see a film with this guy I like' ABORT ABORT ABORT, unless imediatly followed by something like 'So what film are we going to watch [insert sweet smile]

Step 3: Well, would you like to do something on [best day avaliable after recon of step 1] because I think [insert compliment of choice, my prefferences are lovely or awesome company]

Step 4: react appropriately to her reply, either start sorting out plans or take it on the chin 'like a man'.

Step 5: settle in for two months of waiting to see her in person again due to heavy uni work load..... wait, that one applies to me only.

Syka
2007-05-09, 05:45 PM
Bayushi's advice is pretty good on asking a girl out. I've finally made my return, by the way. :)

And I'm sorry to hear that, CBS. Miscommunications suck, which is one reason I am considering speaking with the guy I'm dating in order to figure out exactly where we are. Good luck in your future endeavours.

Dib
2007-05-10, 06:18 AM
Cheers Bayushi... but I've run into a problem... I was talking to a friend... and I asked her for help... and she thinks I shouldn't do it... just because of the age difference and what people might think... I told her that I dont care what people think, but its got me down...

Last_resort_33
2007-05-10, 06:34 AM
Oh gods... forget the age differance. jeez... She is wrong.... plain and simple, wrong, who are you gunna trust eh? some "friend" or us guys over the internet?

(maybe a bad way to put it)

Really. If you can't find the perfect moment, then go for an imperfect one. If she's come to the end of a sentance, say "I don't mean to derail the conversation, but I've been meaning to ask if you wanted to do something together this weekend" you will go bright red, and she will make a girly noise (positive or negative) and it'll be all ok from there...

If you come back to us saying that you've had an oppertunity and not taken it, we will subject you to multiple stabbity deaths and force you to write a letter.

Zeb The Troll
2007-05-10, 09:21 AM
Oh gods... forget the age differance. jeez... She is wrong.... plain and simple, wrong, who are you gunna trust eh? some "friend" or us guys over the internet?I've got to say, LR, I disagree with that point. I'm not sure how much the difference is, but at 16, a couple of years is more significant than it is even just a couple of years older.

Hmm, you know, maybe it's not the difference that I'm getting hung up on so much as the fact that the implication is that the young lady seems to be only 13 or 14 years old to this (I'm sure otherwise fine) young man's age of 16.

Or maybe I'm just an old fart and should keep my thoughts to myself. Let me say this at least. If a 16 year old boy had designs on my 14 year old daughter, no matter how charming the young man was, I'd be vexed.

Honestly, it's got nothing to do with intentions. When I was 16 I had the very best of intentions too. I was going to wait until my life was a bit more solid before I took any unnecessary risks. Then one fateful day ... yadda yadda ... The rest is history. (Check my gender if you're new enough to the forums to not know what I'm talking about.)

Anyway, that's my piece on this bit. I'll leave the rest of it to you all to bandy about.

Dib
2007-05-10, 10:30 AM
lol :smallsmile:... I'll tell you one thing, coming on here always makes me feel better... and Zeb, she's more like 13... next month... so... :smileythatsuits:

I'm kind of over the whole what my friend said thing... I know I can trust her and she has good judgement... but I'm going to have to go with instinct on this one...

I also have the weird feeling that her best friend fancies me as well... :smallannoyed:

Bayushi Koji
2007-05-10, 11:58 AM
Dib.... I would say do it for one simple reason..... if you don't you'll be kicking yourself for years to come, during those dark little moments at half two in the morning where you can't quiet fully drop to sleep and all your thoughts are ratteling around your head.

This is why I'm cursing the fact its not August yet. There's some one I compaire to a scratch on the roof of my mouth I know I should leave alone but can't stop proping, and I can't even sit down and say 'Look, am I waisting my time thinking we could have something romantic?' I don't even want to know if she's really into me or just thinks I'm a little cute, I just want to know if I'm in with a fair, even chance to prove myself a worthy companion for her.

Damn it!!! I even hate (yet love) the fact I don't KNOW in my gut, like I usually do that I'm worthy of her time.

Sorry about rant two million and one on this subject, blame a sucky, caffine fueled day at work.

BTW, any Brits know of a good, morally 'clean' company in Oxford looking for hard working, long haired (beards count, right?) circus freaks and offer a starting wage that doesn't look like a punch line?

darkblade
2007-05-10, 12:48 PM
And ask her for a reason, if she says no. It won't help you if it's just left at 'I just don't want to' or 'I can't see myself with you', for many reasons that I won't get into here. I know when something similar happened to me, it really helped to know why, and to be able to say so to myself every time I thought about this person.

What am I supposed to do when her reason is "Mike...I...I just don't know."?

and yes I'm Mike.

Bayushi Koji
2007-05-10, 02:35 PM
Giver her time and space to think. If she realises that she's just scared... well maybe she will get some courage, maybe she won't. If it's anything else... she may tell you when she figures it out, she may not.

I'd say the important thing is for you to wallow in it for a little bit, in private. Wrap yourself in this feeling... then in a day or two let it all go and move on.

Dib
2007-05-11, 06:32 AM
I've arrange to talk to her at the lunch break... so itll be over by the end of today...

El Jaspero, the Pirate King
2007-05-11, 10:00 AM
I've arrange to talk to her at the lunch break... so itll be over by the end of today...

Over?!?

*barely concealed laughter*

I know I keep carping on this, but that's my role as Old Man of the Playground. If she says yes, things have just begun, and the giddy giggling will commence. If she says no? Maybe over, maybe for now. Things change, life changes in ways you can never forsee. "No" means "no" (and it always does, lads), but I've come to realize that I don't believe in "never".

Vonriel
2007-05-11, 10:14 AM
Hmm, isn't Bor older than you? :smallwink:

We need to get someone to start handing out Old Man in the Playground canes. Collect the whole set!

Good luck Dib, and like El J said, I seriously doubt it'll be "over" for good.

Darkblade, I don't know what to say. There are only two things that come to mind when I read that, even now, after a day of thinking it over. She was either trying to spare your feelings, or she honestly doesn't know. In either case, there's not much you can do but attempt to get over her as best as possible.

Dib
2007-05-11, 10:23 AM
well... when I say over... I mean I wont be keeping this god-damn secret from her anymore...

Funny thing is... she still doesn't know... we got as far as her finding out that I liked 'someone'... but not as far as saying I liked her... she's damn near impossible to get away from her friend... which is annoying...

So... Monday? lol... *cries inside*

EDIT: God damn! This whole ordeal has turned me into an Emo!! I act like one, talk like one, want to now dress like one... all thats missing is the music... but thats not gonna happen...

Syka
2007-05-11, 07:09 PM
I need to get a couple peoples opinions on a situation. I don't want to post it publicly, but it is going to be a loooong post. I just need a couple more people to let me know I've done the right thing who aren't immediately involved in it. So far the only person who has disagreed is someone who is kind of getting stuck in the middle.

darkblade
2007-05-11, 09:44 PM
I'd say the important thing is for you to wallow in it for a little bit, in private. Wrap yourself in this feeling... then in a day or two let it all go and move on.

First time I've ever been told to embrace (hopefully) temporary depression. I think I'll just skip to trying to move on.


Darkblade, I don't know what to say. There are only two things that come to mind when I read that, even now, after a day of thinking it over. She was either trying to spare your feelings, or she honestly doesn't know. In either case, there's not much you can do but attempt to get over her as best as possible.

As above trying to move on.


God damn! This whole ordeal has turned me into an Emo!! I act like one, talk like one, want to now dress like one... all thats missing is the music... but thats not gonna happen...

"Emo" is just a label you are not any label unless you apply it to yourself. So if you don't want to be emo don't say you are.

averagejoe
2007-05-11, 10:38 PM
I need to get a couple peoples opinions on a situation. I don't want to post it publicly, but it is going to be a loooong post. I just need a couple more people to let me know I've done the right thing who aren't immediately involved in it. So far the only person who has disagreed is someone who is kind of getting stuck in the middle.

Sooo, you're asking for permission to ask for help privately? If so, I'll do what I can.

Edit: that is, if I was unclear, go ahead and PM me, if you'd like.

AngelAndrius
2007-05-11, 11:14 PM
Well errr, im doing a little bit better, but this has been the staory the last few months.

http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e=3425#comment_embed

Well I still haven't talked to her. But my feelings are dying down, I think. I'm not sure. I still don't think I can confront her. Its not cowardice, although that's a part of it. It's that I know that she doesn't share the same feelings for me. Even if she did, she would have tried to contact me again, I dunno. You ahve my perspective, I'd love some clarity.

EDIT: Errr, slightly wrong html, scroll to the top of the page.

Lilly
2007-05-11, 11:27 PM
Syka, PM me or e-mail me (lilly at giantitp . com) and I can help.

Bayushi Koji
2007-05-12, 02:40 AM
Syka, if you think my perspective or slight twisted view of the world would be any help to your situation, I'd be more than glad to help.

Darkblade, my reasoning with wallowing in it for a couple of days is this: you've got a lot of emotions good and bad going on with regards to this girl at the moment, I'm guessing. Now you can try and force them down, ignore them and try and get on with things now, proccessing them and running the risk of them swamping you.
Or... you can haul them out now, burtish, ugly things into the bitter light of day, give them their little bit of time then when the couple of days is up, force them down the trap door, back into the dark reccess and leave them their, forget about them.

Because the sick sad truth of the matter at the moment is these feelings do you NO GOOD AT ALL. Surely its better to wear them out, give up on that dream and move on as quickly as you can. Give up on any idea you are some how going to get her to change her mind, because even if you still carry a torch from her, that is the only thing you can do.

Vampiric
2007-05-12, 04:13 AM
Syka, I can offer my services as relationship asker...thing. And anyone else that doesn't want to publicly post, I can be PMed.

(Sorry if I do not reply immediately. Sometimes my computer doesn't allow me to access my PMs, or even, sometimes, let me log in. If that happens, then I apologise.)

Dib
2007-05-12, 04:50 AM
"Emo" is just a label you are not any label unless you apply it to yourself. So if you don't want to be emo don't say you are.

I wont label myself... but I can tell everyone else will... I always used to get called one, even when I looked and acted nothing like what someone who would get called an emo might... but now its just gonna happen more... I dont care, but its the annoying people that'll piss me off...

Glaivemaster
2007-05-12, 05:26 AM
Syka, I'd offer my help, but I think you've already asked me. If it's different, then feel free to ask again of course

AngelSword
2007-05-12, 06:49 AM
Well, I'm getting contradictory advice form multiple sources, so I figured I'd ask here, as well, and hopefully, I can extrapolate the best course of action based on all advice. Here's my problem, or as I like to call it…

Boobs fix everything…right?

So, I thought this weekend would help me get over some of the problems I've been having, and it did. However, I now have a few new problems (well, one really).

This weekend was Beltane 2007; essentially, the stereotypical idea of witchery (dancing in the woods around a bonfire, lots of amorous displays, and so forth). During this time, I met a woman named Susan.

It started out innocently enough. I had mentioned that it was cold, and she lamented the fact that it was cold in her tent, and in a half-offer/half-line, I asked, "Well, if you'd like, I can help you keep warm." She laughed, and she and I began talking. Mostly small talk, but it slowly became more and more flirty.

Then, seemingly without warning, she grabs my shirt, pulls me close, and we start making out. It was fantastic (except for the whole pulling-my-now-regimental-ass-onto-the-cold-bench thing). It seemed like hours that our lips were entangled. When we finally broke our kiss, I realized that there were still people there by the fire, quite possibly watching us.

We then retreated to her tent, and things became even more, shall we say, exploratory. I lost track of the time, so how long we were actually at it is still a mystery to me. Regardless, it was Heaven. But one of the greatest things I found were her spectacular breasts. Perfectly proportioned, little more than a handful, I can honestly say they were the most perfect I have ever seen…or felt. All in all, it was one of the greatest sexual encounters I've ever had.

Therein lies the problem. I'm now confusing lust for love, so completely taken by her beauty and personality, and those FANTASTIC breasts.

But that's not all. Aside from the fact that she lives in Queens, there is another problem keeping me from pursuing a relationship with her.

She has a boyfriend.

I'm not the type to try and muscle someone else out of the picture, so I am at a loss. What can I do?

Glaivemaster
2007-05-12, 07:30 AM
Well my advice is the obvious option - just leave it there. You had a great night, but she lives elsewhere, she has a boyfriend, and you say yourself that you're probably not really in love. It's not worth the effort it would be just for a good time in bed, I'd say

AngelSword
2007-05-12, 08:11 AM
Well, I'm unsure what I feel. I don't toss the word, Love, around, since I've been hurt doing so before (recently, I might add). And while she doesn't live close to me, she is not prohibitively far, either (Queens is about an hour drive from here).

I'm more than physically attracted to her. I mean, who else would spend a good half hour waxing nostalgic about video game music?

Zeb The Troll
2007-05-12, 10:01 AM
AngelSword, any idea how she feels in the aftermath? There are a few explanations for your encounter.

One is that she's not really happy with her current beau but hasn't left him because she'd rather have him than no one. This could lead to her having found you and now have the needed way out of her current relationship.

Two is that she is very happy with her guy and she's horribly upset about making the mistake of getting amorous with someone else, no matter how enjoyable it may have been.

Three is that she's in an open relationship and you had the benefit of a chance encounter that's doomed to end where it began, out there in the woods.

Four is the least palatable, but not impossible. She's just promiscuous and being in a relationship doesn't mean as much to her as might to you.

If you feel the partnership is worth pursuing, it would behoove you to find out which of these scenarios, or any other I hadn't considered, is the case.

Otherwise you can cherish the memory and be done with it.

Syka
2007-05-12, 02:46 PM
I think I've got the situation figured out. My head knew what to do and how to handle it, my heart not so much. Basically my ex decided to try talking to me after four months of nothing. He wants to try and be friends, I told him to bugger off. Then a mutual friend was trying to talk me in to considering it sometime in the future, which I'm not really willing to do. The circumstances of the break up and post-break up are what make me not want to talk to him. :smallannoyed:

I just needed some reassurance I wasn't being a total (female dog) here.

AngelSword, I generally would believe in dropping it. But I also put a very high price on loyalty and fidelity. Everyone is different, but to me cheating is cheating. I'll leave it at that.

Vampiric
2007-05-12, 04:52 PM
@Syka: I'd say it depends on how he acted towards you at the end of the relationship. If he was being a (child before wedlock) then you probably, while not 'taking revenge' as it were, should be allowed some elbow room when dealing with him. If it was (mostly) amicable, then maybe you both need to loosen up a little.

@AngelSword: I agree with Zeb. Find out her perspective. And if she's interested in you. If it was a one-nighter, then you need to know. If she's wanting to take it further, then good health to you. But make sure she's not still with her boyfriend. That could lead to a nasty situation.

...I need to stop talking so much.:smallconfused: :smallfrown:

Syka
2007-05-12, 05:05 PM
He was pretty much acting...not so nice. He would ask about the guy I'm with now, and when I wouldn't want to talk about it, he'd get irritated. This happened with more than one subject. And he cheated on me, which kind of puts a strain on it. --' If it had ended amicably, I'd have no problems being friends with him. The nice part of me is having a problem cutting him off, but the smart part knows it's probably best.

Glaivemaster
2007-05-12, 05:27 PM
I'd follow the smart part of you Syka. While I'm normally a fan of following emotions rather than brains, I think they'll agree on this. An unhappy break-up and four months of silence doesn't bode well for future friendships

Also, speaking from a guy perspective: whenever I've tried 'being friends' with girls that I haven't talked to in a while, it's generally because I want to get with them again, not to be friends - cutting him off is probably best

averagejoe
2007-05-12, 08:12 PM
@ Syka: Even if the guy wasn't being a total you-know-what, it doesn't make you a cold you-know-what. He could be the nicest, sweetest guy in the world, but if you're not comfortable being friends with him then that's that, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You do not have any obligation to be his friend, no matter what your relationship was like. Being friends with someone when you don't want to, but you're trying to "be nice," or whatever reason, never bodes well anyways.

@AngelSword: My advice pretty much follows those of others. I will say this, though; love will come again.

Ranis
2007-05-12, 09:51 PM
I have some interesting news on my side, guys.

A couple of days ago, I came to the conclusion that I really don't need a date for my cousin's wedding. If my family is going to base my success level upon whether or not I'm dating someone, then that's their problem and not mine. So I stopped stressing about it, and my stress levels dropped considerably; I became able to focus more and was able to relax more often and have a bit more fun without that on my shoulders.

So, the you remember the girl from work? The one that I hung out with but didn't do anything with because I respected that she was seeing someone? Well, had our lunch break together, randomly at the same time. In our conversation, I mentioned what I stated above, and that I was no longer out 'hunting' for someone to bring as a date. Later that evening, she came over to where I was working, tapped me on the shoulder, and asked if she could come with me to the wedding.

WOOT!

Wait a sec. Isn't she seeing someone? I decided to not ask if her boyfriend would be okay with it. She seemed pretty excited about the prospect of going, so I decided to let bygones be bygones. She gave me a smile and walked out of the store.

Okay, I'm TOTALLY stoked about going to the wedding with this girl. I do beleive that she's quite the amazing, and well....I really wasn't expecting to bring anyone. Now this gives me something to look forward to.

Here's the conundrum. I know she's seeing someone. Living with him, in fact. Every time I've asked about him, she's brushed it off or abruptly changed the subject. I told her from the very start that I wasn't going to hit on her, or make advances. I respect the fact that she's seeing someone else, and I'm not the kind of guy to butt in on a relationship. My question for all of you is: what if she starts making advances on me? There's no question that I like the girl. Absolutely none. But I wouldn't want to be the one on the reflexive, what if I was in this other guy's shoes? I certainly wouldn't want to be. Even though I don't know this guy, at all, I still wouldn't want my girl making moves on another guy that I don't know about or of. What do you guys think?

Logic
2007-05-12, 10:26 PM
I have some interesting news on my side, guys.

A couple of days ago, I came to the conclusion that I really don't need a date for my cousin's wedding. If my family is going to base my success level upon whether or not I'm dating someone, then that's their problem and not mine. So I stopped stressing about it, and my stress levels dropped considerably; I became able to focus more and was able to relax more often and have a bit more fun without that on my shoulders.

So, the you remember the girl from work? The one that I hung out with but didn't do anything with because I respected that she was seeing someone? Well, had our lunch break together, randomly at the same time. In our conversation, I mentioned what I stated above, and that I was no longer out 'hunting' for someone to bring as a date. Later that evening, she came over to where I was working, tapped me on the shoulder, and asked if she could come with me to the wedding.

WOOT!

Wait a sec. Isn't she seeing someone? I decided to not ask if her boyfriend would be okay with it. She seemed pretty excited about the prospect of going, so I decided to let bygones be bygones. She gave me a smile and walked out of the store.

Okay, I'm TOTALLY stoked about going to the wedding with this girl. I do beleive that she's quite the amazing, and well....I really wasn't expecting to bring anyone. Now this gives me something to look forward to.

Here's the conundrum. I know she's seeing someone. Living with him, in fact. Every time I've asked about him, she's brushed it off or abruptly changed the subject. I told her from the very start that I wasn't going to hit on her, or make advances. I respect the fact that she's seeing someone else, and I'm not the kind of guy to butt in on a relationship. My question for all of you is: what if she starts making advances on me? There's no question that I like the girl. Absolutely none. But I wouldn't want to be the one on the reflexive, what if I was in this other guy's shoes? I certainly wouldn't want to be. Even though I don't know this guy, at all, I still wouldn't want my girl making moves on another guy that I don't know about or of. What do you guys think?
Having been in this same situation twice, I can only say that you should be prepared for the situation. If you think that if she making advances on your is in the realm of possibility, and probable, then you should know how to react. Think first how you said you would not hit on her or make advances. This should still apply until she has cut ties with her current significant other. If she does make advances on you, and you react more based on hormones than brain cells, be prepared to either "Pretend it never happened, and Just stay friends" "Attack of the jealous boyfriend" or "Lose her friendship forever."
Knowing so little of the details of the situation, I can only assume that there are more possible negative outcomes than positive ones.

So, try to keep your wits about you, and deny the siren's call.

Syka
2007-05-13, 02:32 AM
First, if she will cheat with you on her current boyfriend, then chances are she would have no problem cheating on you. Is my view at least. Second, be wary of the boyfriend.

Us wronged significant others can be....surprisingly violent when provoked in such a manner. I personally was more pissed at my boyfriend than the other girl, but not all people see it that way. The guy I'm seeing now had dated a girl in high school. He nearly got beat up because evidently she was seeing someone else that he didn't know about and she "didn't want to choose". He gave her up real quick after that. The boyfriend seemed pretty psychotic (especially judging from the reaction of a girl he knew at the time when the girlfriends name came up in conversation...) I would tread very, VERY carefully if you do decide to proceed. Do you guys have mutual friends? Ask them if the ties have been severed and whatnot. Ask HER. If you don't want any moves to be made until you are in the clear, explain that. Tell her you will be firmly in the friend-zone until the previous relationship is cleared up.

Ranis
2007-05-13, 06:59 AM
First, if she will cheat with you on her current boyfriend, then chances are she would have no problem cheating on you. Is my view at least. Second, be wary of the boyfriend.

This is exactly why I'm treading on pins and needles at the moment. As much as I would ask this girl in a heartbeat, I don't want to get in the way of another relationship. I simply won't do it. I'm a better person than that. If she decides she no longer wants to be with her current significant other, then we'll burn that bridge when we get to it.

That said, I talked to her last night. I firmly planted my feet in the friend-zone, and I think she was relieved that I did so. Apparently, she has no problem hanging out with monogamous opposite-gender friends, and her guy trusts her enough to do it. She told me that she had avoided me at first after we hung out that day, because she thought she liked hanging out with me a bit too much. That took me by surprise because I'm not used to being told I'm attractive, probably as much as uncomfortable as I made her being attracted to another guy. So, we have things cleared up.

I'm still worried about the aforementioned things, though.

Syka
2007-05-13, 12:20 PM
So the wedding is just going to be as friends then?

It sounds like the situation is being handled fairl well, but judging from the fact she had (probably, I could be wrong) flirting...I would still tread a bit carefully. Try not to put yourself in a situation where something might happen that either of you would regret.

Midnight Son
2007-05-13, 12:46 PM
Ranis, I think I may have told this story before, but it applies here. I was invited to a friend's prom and we went with another friend and her boyfriend. Close to the end of the evening, we all ended up in a hot tub. So friend1 and I are sitting separate and friend2 is sitting on her boyfriend's lap. She stayed there for about 10 minutes, then gets up and sits on my lap. So there I am with my date sitting a foot away and friend2's boyfriend sitting across the tub, while this very cute girl is sitting on my lap. I think the most fitting word was "Awkward". needless to say, friendships and relationships were broken that night. The moral of the story? Never get into a hot tub with a girlfriend of another guy, when said girlfriend has given you the doe eyes on previous occasions. Or, the shorter version; You play with fire and you're gonna get burned.

Edit: for Syka's sake, no I didn't go out with her after that either. Any woman who would do that to her boyfriend is not a woman I want to date.

potatocubed
2007-05-13, 03:00 PM
This isn't so much a request for advice as a quick gnashing of teeth:

There's this girl, and I like her, and she likes me, and she lives in £$%&ing ARIZONA, 5000 miles away.

Blast and damnation! It's not even the first time this has happened to me!

*grumblegrumblegrumble*

Okay, pointless complaint over. You can get back to helping each other out now. :smallsmile:

Ranis
2007-05-13, 03:24 PM
So the wedding is just going to be as friends then?

It sounds like the situation is being handled fairl well, but judging from the fact she had (probably, I could be wrong) flirting...I would still tread a bit carefully. Try not to put yourself in a situation where something might happen that either of you would regret.

Yes, it's been implied that we're going as friends, but I don't think the words have actually been presented by either of us. Do you think I should? At this point, there's a lot that I would regret-removing the possibility of being with this girl at one time or another is certainly the last thing on my mind. Basically this girl is the one where, after learning more about her, I said to myself, "Intelligent, gorgeous, AND a gamer? Sign me up!" So I certainly don't want to auto-flush anything down the toilet here, but at the same time, I don't want it to get to the point to where if something does happen between her and her boyfriend, then we're too good of friends to consider doing anything. So I'm trying to figure out where drawing this tenuous line is.

Another issue-dancing. What if she wants to dance? What is appropriate and what isn't?

Midnight Son-Thanks for the helpful heeds. Trust me, at this point, if she DOES make a move, then I'm most certainly going to refuse it unless she has removed ties with her boyfriend. I'm seriously not that kind of guy, nor do I have the intention of becoming it.

Midnight Son
2007-05-13, 03:34 PM
Midnight Son-Thanks for the helpful heeds. Trust me, at this point, if she DOES make a move, then I'm most certainly going to refuse it unless she has removed ties with her boyfriend. I'm seriously not that kind of guy, nor do I have the intention of becoming it.I certainly wasn't hinting you are. My point of the story though, is that I did nothing to entice such actions on her part. Her boyfriend was also a friend of mine. Just be very careful of getting yourself into a situation where something like that can happen. Despite your best intentions, she may still make a move, and weddings are a known aphrodisiac for the female half of the species.

Edit: Top that with the fact that cute girls are a known aphrodisiac for the male half of the species and you have a recipe for disaster.:smallwink:

averagejoe
2007-05-13, 03:53 PM
Another issue-dancing. What if she wants to dance? What is appropriate and what isn't?

Appropriate in what sense? Err... as long as there isn't any raving at the wedding, you should be fine?

Ranis
2007-05-13, 05:31 PM
Appropriate in what sense? Err... as long as there isn't any raving at the wedding, you should be fine?

I mean, how's appropriate to dance with a girl that is seeing someone?

Syka
2007-05-13, 05:35 PM
I'd say, if it is a slow dance, keep one hand on her waist and hold her other hand in yours. Also, some space between your bodies. Other than that, it is simply a matter of shuffling your feet. ;) Neither me nor the guy I'm seeing can really dance well, and we managed at the wedding we attended.

averagejoe
2007-05-13, 05:40 PM
Yeah, just don't let the waist hand drop too far. :smalltongue: As long as the dance is fairly traditional you shouldn't have any problems, so long as you keep your distance.

Ranis
2007-05-13, 06:12 PM
Alright, thanks guys. That sounds do-able.

Dib
2007-05-15, 11:42 AM
oh, um... :smallfrown: I kinda told her how I felt... and, turns out she has a boyfriend that she hadn't told anyone about... **** sake!! Why did it have to be her? Of all the girls I couldve liked! It was the one with the god damn secret bloody boyfriend!!!

averagejoe
2007-05-15, 11:45 AM
Be cool. Nothing is lost, except for maybe a bit of pride, and that isn't something you need a lot of anyways. Just move on from it. There will be other girls.

Dallas-Dakota
2007-05-15, 12:20 PM
owowow my situation(or how u want to spell it) is very complicated
i like a girl, thats in my class, but so does another boy in my class....but if i spend to much time on going after her, i wont pass becouse i have to get my grades up, and the boy told me(and some other guys of my class), that at the next 'dance' party he wants to 'slow dance' with her and then ask her out......but i need to pass my classes or else i wont be in the same class with her anymore and then i see her much less......oww please help me........
and advice like : be cool and move on........ehm no thenks.......

Khantalas
2007-05-15, 12:30 PM
Umm... well, go the dance and get your grades up.

How? I have no idea. I never had to study to get my grades u until my first year in college. And what do you know, it is my first year in college.

Also, the other guy asking her out (I'm assuming that we're having the same cultural differences and asking out means going steady for you, too) means nothing if she won't say yes. Try to tap into the grapevine and learn what her likely response is.

Well, but at the end, if she ends up going out with him (eww, how I hate those terms when applied to us teenagers), there is only one advice, and that's the part that you don't want: be cool and move on.

Believe me, I have been in a similar situation three times. Two were worse, since I knew the girl would say yes to the other guy. Then again, I had no problems with my grades.

Dallas-Dakota
2007-05-15, 12:38 PM
yeah thenks for the advice.....
i know.....but tapping into the grapevine to find out how she will respond....wel let say at my school gossip is double so fast as fire if it is juicy enough.......
(and yes it means going steady.......or atleast i think it does......)

edit : well moving on and be cool about it is an option(though i prefer that i ask the girl and she says yes) , but the advice of it not becouse i already know its an optionXD

Dib
2007-05-15, 01:24 PM
Be cool. Nothing is lost, except for maybe a bit of pride, and that isn't something you need a lot of anyways. Just move on from it. There will be other girls.

Cheers... but I've stumbled upon a new problem with this... She still wants to be friends (which I'm happy about), but she's got her birthday party in a few weeks and her boyfriend is going to be there... and I get the horrible feeling that if I go (she still wants me too) then I'll just be all moody and spoil it for her... what should I do?

Dallas-Dakota
2007-05-15, 02:30 PM
well my advice(read if u want)

A : dont go, say u already have plans but u find it too bad u cant come

B : Meditation rules! meditate and put on a face mask(works with me) and try to enjoy yourself for her

C : go ask somebody else's advice

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-15, 05:00 PM
oh, um... :smallfrown: I kinda told her how I felt... and, turns out she has a boyfriend that she hadn't told anyone about... **** sake!! Why did it have to be her? Of all the girls I couldve liked! It was the one with the god damn secret bloody boyfriend!!!

Been there, done that.

Except I knew she had a secret boyfriend. I just let her friends who she hadn't told about it tell me that she didn't.

Midnight Son
2007-05-15, 06:44 PM
Cheers... but I've stumbled upon a new problem with this... She still wants to be friends (which I'm happy about), but she's got her birthday party in a few weeks and her boyfriend is going to be there... and I get the horrible feeling that if I go (she still wants me too) then I'll just be all moody and spoil it for her... what should I do?Be her friend!

Look, if you cannot separate your feelings for her and your friendship for her, then you are not being her friend. Her friend understands that she is in love with someone and wants her to be happy. Her friend is happy when she's happy. Her friend does not sulk in a corner because she's spending time with another guy.

I have been in this situation before and, while it's not fun to love someone who's in love with someone else, it is entirely possible to be the person she comes to when she has a problem. One of the best friends I've ever had was just such a girl. She never loved me, but knew of my love for her. Even so, because I wasn't constantly pushing for more or being mopey about it, but ever supportive of her, we had a great relationship, just not quite as great as I wanted.

So, in summary, suck it up, be her friend, go to her party, and show her that you are able to have a good time even without her love.

averagejoe
2007-05-15, 09:03 PM
Be her friend!

Look, if you cannot separate your feelings for her and your friendship for her, then you are not being her friend. Her friend understands that she is in love with someone and wants her to be happy. Her friend is happy when she's happy. Her friend does not sulk in a corner because she's spending time with another guy.

I have been in this situation before and, while it's not fun to love someone who's in love with someone else, it is entirely possible to be the person she comes to when she has a problem. One of the best friends I've ever had was just such a girl. She never loved me, but knew of my love for her. Even so, because I wasn't constantly pushing for more or being mopey about it, but ever supportive of her, we had a great relationship, just not quite as great as I wanted.

So, in summary, suck it up, be her friend, go to her party, and show her that you are able to have a good time even without her love.


QFT Myep, nothing to add to this one. 'Cept to say it's good advice.

Syka
2007-05-15, 09:12 PM
Yah. Steel yourself, go, and make a concerted effort to not mope. That way everyone will have fun. And things won't be awkward unless one of you decides it will be awkward.

I hope everything works out for you. :)

For Dallas, go to the dance and what not and ask her to dance (preferably before the other guy). And work on grades. The fact that the other guy is (presumably) bragging about it may work against him, especially since if the gossip is as bad as you say at your school, she'll probably hear about it.

Syka
2007-05-16, 11:44 AM
Question from you guys out there. I really don't want to scare this guy I'm dating, but I want to know where exactly we stand. He established back in December that because I was moving, he didn't want a relationship. But I figure we're dating if nothing else (judging by the reaction of his mom, the fact we go out, I went to his brothers graduation, etc). I just want to make sure he feels the same. If not...and we're just friends with benefits (not the normal ones, but I don't normally kiss friends), then I need to set boundaries (that include not kissing, as much as I like it). If we are dating...then I'm happy enough where we're at. I'd like exclusivity but it isn't really necessary for me, as I'm decently happy right now in general.

I just want to make sure he's not using me. I'm pretty sure it's the same for him, I just want to make sure.

So how can I do it without making him think I want to push him in to a relationship (which I don't)?

Amotis
2007-05-16, 11:48 AM
Ask him? I doubt he's using you if he's not pushing for anything beyond kissing. But ask him. We won't know, we're not him. Just tell him the situation and your feelings.

Dallas-Dakota
2007-05-16, 01:01 PM
Ask him? I doubt he's using you if he's not pushing for anything beyond kissing. But ask him. We won't know, we're not him. Just tell him the situation and your feelings.

good advice,but it really depends on the guy.

Vampiric
2007-05-16, 01:02 PM
Pick a good moment, when you are both feeling happy. You don't want either of you to become confrontational. Ask him straight off. Seriously. When girls use subtlety, yeah, sometimes we don't get it, but sometimes we think you're doing it because you want to skirt the issue, so we don't touch on it. Come out with it straight, he'll get the point, and you'll get an honest answer.

Dib
2007-05-16, 01:12 PM
yeah... you're right... cheers :smallsmile: and funnily enough its a costume party... so I actually will be wearing a mask... unless you meant it metaphorically in which case just ignore me...

I know I should stop asking stupid questions and stuff... but earlier today I turned round and noticed she had been looking at me and smiling when I had my back turned... Does that mean anything or is it just my depressedness looking for some kind of hope... knowing my luck its the latter... oh well... cheers :smallsmile:

Dallas-Dakota
2007-05-16, 01:16 PM
well it can be the first, but it can also be that she wants you to be happy and smiling overal has an happy effect on somebody.
or she can be happy for her own reasons(we are not her and we did not ask her, so we can not know).

but if you had your back turned it can be the first, just take things slowly.

Dib
2007-05-16, 01:30 PM
hmm... yeah... cheers... grr... stupid girls! Why are they so confusing!! :smallmad:

Dallas-Dakota
2007-05-16, 01:35 PM
If somebody could answer that qeustion to me to , i'd be really happy!

averagejoe
2007-05-16, 01:35 PM
Pick a good moment, when you are both feeling happy. You don't want either of you to become confrontational. Ask him straight off. Seriously. When girls use subtlety, yeah, sometimes we don't get it, but sometimes we think you're doing it because you want to skirt the issue, so we don't touch on it. Come out with it straight, he'll get the point, and you'll get an honest answer.

'Tis true. Men tend to be unsubtle creatures. We solve our problems by hitting and shouting. Or, at least, want to, deep down. It takes all sorts, of course, and broad generalizations are always dangerous (see what I did there?) but, being a man, I would default the blunt and direct approach. Just remember that "blunt" doesn't mean "rude," just direct and perfectly honest.


I know I should stop asking stupid questions and stuff... but earlier today I turned round and noticed she had been looking at me and smiling when I had my back turned... Does that mean anything or is it just my depressedness looking for some kind of hope... knowing my luck its the latter... oh well... cheers

They're not stupid questions. It's only easier for us, because we're objective. You're not in a position to easily make good decisions anyways, being so closely involved.

To answer, I don't know, it depends. Just be patient; you're in the friend zone, so she's not going anywhere. Wait and see, would be my advice.

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-16, 01:37 PM
hmm... yeah... cheers... grr... stupid girls! Why are they so confusing!! :smallmad:

Why are girls confusing? [baseless misogynistic comment]Probably because they expect people to be psychic.[/baseless misogynistic comment]

Midnight Son
2007-05-16, 01:54 PM
Dib, she's already stated that she's dating the other guy. Now, I can't be sure, because I'm not her, but my guess is that she's very happy that you like her, but not happy enough to break it off with him. We humans are strange creatures. We want, for the most part, a loving relationship with another human, but we also like the affirmation that more than one likes us out there. I'm sure that she wants to remain your friend, and if things don't work out with the other guy, she may even be willing to upgrade you to boyfriend. At this point, though, you'd not be wise to try pushing for anything but friendship. Follow my advice from my previous post. Be her friend. You already were before you told her of your feelings, so it should not be that hard. Acknowledge to yourself that your feelings for her are greater than her's for you at the moment and get on with life. If things change between her and him, then bring up your feelings for her again. Till then, she knows how you feel. Respect her decision.

Last_resort_33
2007-05-16, 05:11 PM
I've got to say, LR, I disagree with that point. I'm not sure how much the difference is, but at 16, a couple of years is more significant than it is even just a couple of years older.

Hmm, you know, maybe it's not the difference that I'm getting hung up on so much as the fact that the implication is that the young lady seems to be only 13 or 14 years old to this (I'm sure otherwise fine) young man's age of 16.

Or maybe I'm just an old fart and should keep my thoughts to myself. Let me say this at least. If a 16 year old boy had designs on my 14 year old daughter, no matter how charming the young man was, I'd be vexed.

Honestly, it's got nothing to do with intentions. When I was 16 I had the very best of intentions too. I was going to wait until my life was a bit more solid before I took any unnecessary risks. Then one fateful day ... yadda yadda ... The rest is history. (Check my gender if you're new enough to the forums to not know what I'm talking about.)

Anyway, that's my piece on this bit. I'll leave the rest of it to you all to bandy about.

Sorry this is 2 pages old, but I feel quite strongly about it...

I think that in this case we must agree to disagree. I am currently 21, just over 3 years ago, I met Emily, she was 14 and if you do the math, that would mean that I was 18. We have a solid relationship and we are engaged, and have been for about 2 years.

Age is not a problem, or at least it shouldn't be.

Amotis
2007-05-16, 05:19 PM
Age is not a problem, no.

People are. You can't make absolute judgements. Some people mature more then others, others do not. Some people are sound enough to date early. Some are not. None of this examples stuff. If it worked for you, great. But you can't expect to say "it will work for all" or "it will work for none."

Zeb The Troll
2007-05-16, 05:29 PM
Syka - I've nothing really to add except to concur with everyone that subtlety doesn't typically work as well as people would like it to work. I'm sure that you can ask the question in such a way as to not make it sound like "the dreaded 'where are we' speech" that's intended to push things to a level he's not ready for yet.

LR - I'm glad that you've found the happiness that you have. I'm glad that age hasn't been a problem for you. I think you'll find, though, that by and large the difference in maturity at that young age is more often profound enough to be problematic. If for no other reason than (and this was the point of my original post) typically the youngster's parents are not going to be fans and this may cause problems where there otherwise might not have been, especially if the younger person has even a good relationship with either or both parents and is concerned about maintaining it.

sktarq
2007-05-16, 05:58 PM
In responce to Zeb and LR....age CAN be a major factor but it certainly doesn't have to be. Frankly I think the 16 to 14 age difference is significant and should read like like a strong caution sign not a prohibition. Overal I'd actually recomend against. Emotional maturity at that age is really just coming into the fore and large parts of the teen years in the west are about developing that. That being said my parents met when she was 19 and my father was 45...And they are still head over heals 30 years later so it is not to can't work.

Dallas-Dakota
2007-05-17, 06:16 AM
nothing to add to sktarq...

Last_resort_33
2007-05-17, 06:35 AM
I think you'll find, though, that by and large the difference in maturity at that young age is more often profound enough to be problematic. If for no other reason than (and this was the point of my original post) typically the youngster's parents are not going to be fans and this may cause problems where there otherwise might not have been, especially if the younger person has even a good relationship with either or both parents and is concerned about maintaining it.

I agree, but I have found that a difference in maturity is a separate issue to age. Secondly, I suppose that I am lucky in that Emily's parents seemed to like me immediately. Her dad is a computer geek and we just spent ages talking about various technology stuff. I am very lucky, I know, but there's no reason not to give things a try. I just think how different my life would be if I had let age get in the way of a relationship and I become unable to see why anybody would.

AngelSword
2007-05-17, 08:10 AM
Alright, this is completely unrelated to my last problem. This one has just been bugging me for a while.

Back in 2002, I went into the Air Force, and was engaged to my high school sweetheart. However, the relationship degraded because of our distance, and we broke up in October of the following year. Despite that, we remained very close friends (with several talks of rekindling things, yet nothing ever materializing).

Back in December of '04, I was home on leave, and she drove out from Long Island to see me (in West Haven, CT), and it was almost as if we had never broken up. We went to our old date spots, hanging all over each other and all that. We went to our old make out spot, and, well, made out.

Following that February, she made a proposal. During the time we were together, we had talked about going to a hotel room, and getting a room as Mr. and Mrs. While this new proposal didn't include the latter portion, she did make it, and I started planning. However, she later kaiboshed it when she and "coffee dude," started getting serious. I was fine with that.

Later that year, she said she was moving to upstate NY, and wanted me to see this Pagan ministry she's been going to before she moves. I was all for it, though I asked her if I could stay at her place, since it'd be easier than trying to track down a hotel. She said that'd be fine, but I'd have to stay in a different room, and her boyfriend (coffee dude) would have to stay over. Not a problem.

I noticed, however, as the date drew near, the restrictions drifted away. First, her boyfriend didn't have to stay, but we'd still be in different rooms. That restriction disappeared, as well, about three weeks out.

So, what came of it? I was in a different room while she and her boyfriend were in her room.

But that's neither here nor there. I had no intent to try and take her away from him.

A couple of weeks later, I was diagnosed with a type of cancer. After calling my parents, I called her. She's been such a close friend, regardless of our romantic situations, I figured that she deserved to know.

She couldn't care less.

I started treatment, and for the next 4 months, I made many attempts to contact her (since she had virtually disappeared). It wasn't until that January (2006) where I found out her true feelings. (The first paragraph (http://little-lullamae.livejournal.com/69125.html) after 'Honestly'). Notice how she's ignoring the cancer bit, making it seem as though she believes I made it up to get into her pants.

Thus, I have since turned bitter towards her. She abandoned me when I needed her most. And I still can't help but wonder why.

As of late, I've had an idea as to what may have happened. (Now, the following is merely speculation on my part): She became scared at the thought that I may be dead in a few short months, and turned her fear into hatred, thinking, "If I hate him, it'll hurt less when he's gone." However, since I am obviously not dead, and she's essentially made an ass of herself, she feels it's too far gone to redeem herself, and sticking with the hatred.

Is that a rational thought to think that could be her reasoning?

Zeb The Troll
2007-05-17, 08:19 AM
As of late, I've had an idea as to what may have happened. (Now, the following is merely speculation on my part): She became scared at the thought that I may be dead in a few short months, and turned her fear into hatred, thinking, "If I hate him, it'll hurt less when he's gone." However, since I am obviously not dead, and she's essentially made an ass of herself, she feels it's too far gone to redeem herself, and sticking with the hatred.

Is that a rational thought to think that could be her reasoning?I'd go so far as to say that it's irrational enough to be wholly plausible, though I doubt something like that would be a conscious decision. More like an emotional knee-jerk reaction to some very unpleasant news.

This is just one of those things that you're going to have to talk to her about. Anything we say here, without having personal knowledge of you, her, and your history is going to be a shot in the dark.

AngelSword
2007-05-17, 08:23 AM
Well, here's the rub in that regard. I'm not sure I can talk to her without the dripping venom of my spurned hate showing through. I feel wholly betrayed by her, and that hurts me more than having the port in my chest forcefully ripped out. I mean, I think if I took the time to write it slowly, so I can think better of my words, I may be able to keep it civil.

Syka
2007-05-17, 10:17 AM
That reasoning is not too farfetched. People do weird things in attempts to not get hurt.

This is also why I told my ex to bugger off though when he tried talking to me last week. I knew that, even if it was civil for a bit, there would always be that temptation to try and get back together and it would end nasty.

In other news, it's good to hear that you are still with us. :smallsmile: If she wasn't willing to be there when you really needed her, than give your time to the people that did care.

Fualkner Asiniti
2007-05-17, 11:43 PM
Cheers... but I've stumbled upon a new problem with this... She still wants to be friends (which I'm happy about), but she's got her birthday party in a few weeks and her boyfriend is going to be there... and I get the horrible feeling that if I go (she still wants me too) then I'll just be all moody and spoil it for her... what should I do?

Heh... Almost same situation. Minus the birthday party, exactly the same.

Anyway, be sure to stay her friend, I know it's hard not to get all pissed and moody. Today I got ticked at a friend, said he didn't know what he was talking about, ect. I regret it wholeheartedly. Really, just stay her friend, and who knows what can happen in the future? And keep this in the back of your mind...

At least 13 out of 14 couples break up. When they do, wait a month or 2, then check out your chances. Best of luck!

averagejoe
2007-05-18, 01:32 AM
Well, here's the rub in that regard. I'm not sure I can talk to her without the dripping venom of my spurned hate showing through. I feel wholly betrayed by her, and that hurts me more than having the port in my chest forcefully ripped out. I mean, I think if I took the time to write it slowly, so I can think better of my words, I may be able to keep it civil.

If that's so, then don't. Nothing good will come of it if you try and insult her, or hurt her back, except for more hurt on both sides. If you can look her in the eye and, in a calm and civil matter, correct her, assure her that she has gotten some wrong impressions about you, and assert (without accusing her of anything, or throwing blame, etc) that personal attacks against you are unneccessary, then go for it. If not, then you might have to make the hard choice, and just forget about it. Her saying those things, while it hurts, doesn't really affect you. Niether does her opinion. I cannot stress this enough, but you will only get hurt if you try to hurt her back. Such a thing would be stupid, pointless, and not be worth it.

Yes it hurts; but that will fade in time. You can try to make up, if you think you can keep your temper and remain civil, and above all non-accusing, no matter what she says or does; if you can't, then it is likely you will only hurt yourself more.

This isn't directed at you personally, Angel, but, honestly, anger is such a waste of emotion. To everyone out there, don't do it. And if you must do it, don't act on it. All acting out of anger serves is that petty, short term revenge, which seems a good idea at the time, but never is. Seriously.

Last_resort_33
2007-05-18, 02:37 AM
Cheers... but I've stumbled upon a new problem with this... She still wants to be friends (which I'm happy about), but she's got her birthday party in a few weeks and her boyfriend is going to be there... and I get the horrible feeling that if I go (she still wants me too) then I'll just be all moody and spoil it for her... what should I do?

Go, Meet him... Shake his hand, be friendly. If he's not a complete ****, then make some crack about her being your friend and that if he puts a move wrong then you'll rip his gonads off and force feed them to the cat.

You might even enjoy it. You might even like him. You WILL seethe with jealousy, but if you love this girl, then you will be your usual self and give her a great birthday.

THEN you can go home and cry.

Dib
2007-05-18, 04:02 AM
Cheers guys... I haven't met him... but I've talked to him online a bit... he's like one of those people that everyone likes just because... and that pisses me off more than him being a prick...

oh, and Last Resort... you've recentlky become my favourite advice giver... cheers...

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-18, 04:09 AM
THEN you can go home and cry.

Just don't get drunk. Then you'll cry and yell at him before getting home.


Cheers guys... I haven't met him... but I've talked to him online a bit... he's like one of those people that everyone likes just because... and that pisses me off more than him being a prick...

Oh, that kind of b*s*a*d...

He's probably a normal charismatic person. He'll probably not be that differant to anyone else if you get to know him.

My brother knew a girl who got A* (including PE...) in every subject who you'd strangle if she wasn't so nice.

AngelSword
2007-05-19, 05:16 AM
I found out about another event coming up, one which Susan (my Beltane beauty) is likely to attend. If she's there, I'll be very happy.

Dib
2007-05-19, 05:17 AM
*Cries in depressed confusion!!!*

:smallfrown: I'm so confused!! I was just looking at the guy's bebo and noticed that he didn't mention her once... then noticed that he was talking about loving another girl (nother friend o min) to bits... and then I looked at her profile and she says she loves him to bits too...

I don't want to jump to any conclusions cos I'm not like that... but one of my mates and the girl I like were apparently arguing about me telling her that I like her... they won't tell me why they were 'arguing' rather than talking... but is it possible that she isn't really going out with this guy and just doesn't want to go out with me or something?

EDIT: aw crap... i've only got two more days of school left... ever! Which means I'm not gonna have a chance to talk to her again until the party (if I'm going :smallconfused:)...

We haven't spoken since I told her either... not even a 'hi'... it completely sucks... even after she said we'd still be friends... she's been avoiding me like the plague and I haven't shifted from where I sit at breaks when I get moody or depressed...

EDIT: God effing dammit!! I was just starting to feel better as well!

Last_resort_33
2007-05-20, 02:28 AM
I know that this is gunna be hard for you and all, seeing as you had so much trouble asking her in the first place, but you just need to walk up to her and say. "I'm realy sorry I upset you, and I kinda wanna talk about it becasue I really value your freindship and we haven't even said 'hi' since then. Here's my AIM/MSN/ICQ/whatever address, I'll see you online if you don't mind being rambled at. I'll see you on [day of party]"

Then go to the party... If she lied to you becasue she couldn't think of another way of saying no (Why not just say 'no' ?(or even better 'yes')) then she won't be on his arm and you will know. She will be embarassed, you will be seething inside but wishing her a happy birthday. If she IS with that guy and he is cheating on her, then you can send her an Email with a link to both sites saying "I want nowt to do with this, but just to let you know".

Dunno if you're the hugs kind of guy. If you are, then have a hug, if not then a pat on the shoulder.

Dib
2007-05-20, 04:14 AM
We've got each others mobile numbers... but thats it... she not got internet... or at least she doesn't use it for anything... I'll try that if I can... cheers

I like hugs... and have gotten a couple... mostly off of the other girl I mentioned... anyway, cheers

Dib
2007-05-21, 01:33 PM
hey... we're back to talking like we used too... cool... everything's normal again... and I'm not sad...

I was up late last night trying to get some sleep when all of a sudden the answer came to me... I have no idea what the answer was, but it made me feel better and I'm not sad anymore...

But I think it had a side-effect... I'm suddenly fancying a mountain of girls all at once... like erm, 6 or 7? All at once, and I only realised today... its weird... I think I'll ask out one in particular tommorrow... it is my last day after all...

Bayushi Koji
2007-05-22, 12:20 PM
Okies folk... this is an odd one for this thread... its family advice.

In october my Bro is getting married and I'm being his best man... all great, right?

Well, I received an E-mail from him a little while ago saying I need to sort out a stag do after all (originally he wasn't going to have one), stating 'But there will be very strict rules about what is allowed. And if isn't specifically allowed, then it is forbidden! I am quite serious on this. I will do you a list of those type of things that will get you immediately sacked from being Best Man (and will put a very severe strain on our relationship).'

First of all, I've just sent a reply, dealing with some of the hum drum issues he's mentioned, the pointed out that I'm doing him a favour by being his best man, suggesting that if he felt I was really likely to do something that would upset him so, he might want to find another best man and pointing out that (as this is about the third or fourth time in the last year he has either tired to emotionally manipulate me or sent me E-mails designed to produce a strong reaction).

So where does this affect you guys? I'd like advise A) should I turn in my 'best man badge' on principal? B) should I turn down the offer to organise the stag do... should I hold out for an appology, etc?

Last_resort_33
2007-05-22, 12:50 PM
Okies folk... this is an odd one for this thread... its family advice.

In october my Bro is getting married and I'm being his best man... all great, right?

Well, I received an E-mail from him a little while ago saying I need to sort out a stag do after all (originally he wasn't going to have one), stating 'But there will be very strict rules about what is allowed. And if isn't specifically allowed, then it is forbidden! I am quite serious on this. I will do you a list of those type of things that will get you immediately sacked from being Best Man (and will put a very severe strain on our relationship).'

First of all, I've just sent a reply, dealing with some of the hum drum issues he's mentioned, the pointed out that I'm doing him a favour by being his best man, suggesting that if he felt I was really likely to do something that would upset him so, he might want to find another best man and pointing out that (as this is about the third or fourth time in the last year he has either tired to emotionally manipulate me or sent me E-mails designed to produce a strong reaction).

So where does this affect you guys? I'd like advise A) should I turn in my 'best man badge' on principal? B) should I turn down the offer to organise the stag do... should I hold out for an appology, etc?

Be his best man. You'll love it, he'll love it. You'd only be making things worse...

I do actually agree with him entirely on the stag do issue. Organise something. Something pleasant, something dull. I think he's just worried about doing something that might wind up with him being tied naked to a lamp-post with an unconsious stripper and/or missing the wedding. Don't take to much offence. Being a brother, his a lot less likely to be as... subtle... he's just trying to take precautions.

Just say that you're not as much of a **** as he might you are and prove that you are as much of a **** as he thinks you are the following day, by telling REALLY embarrassing stories in your Best Man Speech.

Good Luck!

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-22, 12:52 PM
Just for the record here, has this thread actually had any successes?

Last_resort_33
2007-05-22, 01:23 PM
Just for the record here, has this thread actually had any successes?

It depends on your definition of success...

Did Dib get the girl he was going for? No.

Does he have new found confidence to ask other people? Yes.

I'd call that a success.

Have we made people fell better, about themselves, go the extra mile and take a step in finding out who they are as a person? definitely, on many occasions.

Seems like this is a pretty successful thread from where I'm standing.

Syka
2007-05-22, 02:33 PM
It's been a success for me. It's given me insight in to the opposite sex, and helped me figure out a few things about myself.

And what is allowed (aka not forbidden)? I can understand the restrictions...and maybe they weren't even his, but his fiances. I know when I get married I'm going to request that the Bachelor party not include a strip club, strippers, or other form of naked/semi-naked women and/or men (unless the men are a joke). Mainly because I don't see it as a 'last night of freedom', because if we're getting married chances are, that 'freedom' has not been there in a while if that is ones definition of it.

Now, if the restrictions are completely unreasonable and he acts like a jerk about it, just request someone else organize it but you're still willing to be the best man.

Cheers,
Syka

jkdjr25
2007-05-22, 02:47 PM
I'd like a little advice if people don't mind. I've never had a lot of luck with dating. Actually in my whole life I can only think of one that I've ever even been on.

So I'd like to know what I can do to have a bit more luck in asking ladies out. If the question is alright that is.

Jack Squat
2007-05-22, 02:52 PM
So I'd like to know what I can do to have a bit more luck in asking ladies out. If the question is alright that is.

Just ask every girl/lady/woman you see...you're bound to get a bite then :smalltongue:

Dib
2007-05-22, 03:35 PM
Just ask every girl/lady/woman you see...you're bound to get a bite then :smalltongue:

I considered this once, and recently, but decided against it... I didn't to seem like I was desperate or a prick... So now I'm lonely and waiting :smallwink:


Did Dib get the girl he was going for? No.

Does he have new found confidence to ask other people? Yes.

More like bittersweet then success... gah! Now she won't leave me alone! I didn't get a chance to ask that other girl... and I have no more school ever! I'll just e-mail her :smalltongue: cheers again all, I'm glad you're here!

P.S. There's nothing wrong with going out with your Best Friend's girlfriends little sister... is there?

EDIT: I'm not actually going out with her... but I'm gonna ask her out...

averagejoe
2007-05-22, 03:38 PM
I'd like a little advice if people don't mind. I've never had a lot of luck with dating. Actually in my whole life I can only think of one that I've ever even been on.

So I'd like to know what I can do to have a bit more luck in asking ladies out. If the question is alright that is.

Well, first off, Jack Squat's advice is pretty bad. I'm pretty sure he was joking, but one wants to be clear in these matters; they're confusing enough. I've known several who tried it, and it never works. The best you can expect for is for it to make you seem desparate.

Also, don't worry about quantity so much. It isn't a race, or anything.

The question is alright, but, for me at least, it's a bit too general. I don't know that there's any advice that, when followed, simply makes you more popular with that demographic so charmingly referred to as "the ladies." If there was, it would probably be common knowledge right now. The best piece of advice I can give is to be comfortable with yourself, the way you are; if you're not, then you're probably dating for the wrong reasons. Or, to put it another way, don't date because you feel somehow insufficient because you feel you haven't been on enough, and dating is something you're supposed to do. Date because it's something that you believe will increase your own happiness. Try not to lie to yourself about it either, because that's easy to do; you are, after all, the only one who can really know whether these things apply to you.

Maybe I evaded your question a bit, but that's the best I can do on the information I have. This sort of thing is simply a mistake I see all the time, and it shows through when they do try to ask someone out.


P.S. There's nothing wrong with going out with your Best Friend's girlfriends little sister... is there?

EDIT: I'm not actually going out with her... but I'm gonna ask her out...

So long as everyone's comfortable with it. Don't force a confrontation, though, if everyone isn't. Of course, there's no real reason why you can't just ignore your friend's feelings, but it would probably be a mistake. Believe me, his friendship will be more valuable in the long run.

Dib
2007-05-22, 03:44 PM
so charmingly referred to as "the ladies."

I call em Girls :smallbiggrin:

Cyborg Pirate
2007-05-22, 03:48 PM
P.S. There's nothing wrong with going out with your Best Friend's girlfriends little sister... is there?


...there's nothing exactly Wrong with it, but there's a chance that you'll start to lose contact with your buddy if you start a relationship with her. I started dating one of my best friends little sister once, and started seeing less and less of my buddy till we completely grew apart. Now I haven't seen him in years (tho I do see her occasionally)

Last_resort_33
2007-05-22, 03:51 PM
P.S. There's nothing wrong with going out with your Best Friend's girlfriends little sister... is there?


I'm engaged to my little sister's Best Friend, so I guess not. If your best friend is male, he may be very protective. Talk to him first. Don't "ask his permission", but see what he says.


I call em Girls :smallbiggrin:

That's ok, but anyone over the age of 18 is not a girl. You can't call a 20 year old guy a "boy"

Khantalas
2007-05-22, 03:54 PM
You can't call a 20 year old guy a "boy"

You can't? Why not? I have been doing it for as long as I can remember and it wasn't a problem for me.

Syka
2007-05-22, 03:57 PM
If it was your best friend's sister, I'd say tread carefully. Because it is your best friends girlfriends sister...I'd say it's fairly safe as long as you don't do something really bad to the sister.

I think some people were under the impression it's your best friends sister. :) I know of...actually, none of my guy friends would I willingly let date my sister. Just be a gentleman, and you should be fine.



Hey, I'll call my guy friends "my boys" sometimes. ;) Most are older than I.

Cheers,
Syka

Dib
2007-05-22, 03:59 PM
Just to check... you guys did get the Girlfriend's part... as in its not my mate's sister... but his girlfriend's sister... yeah? Not saying your dumb, cos you're not... at all... but some of the answers seem to lean that way is all, lol...

And I dont call em boys... I call em guys... so there's guys and girls (no, not dolls :smallannoyed:)... unless they're a fair bit older than me in which case its man or lady...

EDIT: gah! Ninjas! cheers Syka... you took the words from my mouth (out em back!)... and cheers :smallsmile:

Cyborg Pirate
2007-05-22, 04:03 PM
Just to check... you guys did get the Girlfriend's part... as in its not my mate's sister... but his girlfriend's sister... yeah? Not saying your dumb, cos you're not... at all... but some of the answers seem to lean that way is all, lol...

...

*reads post in question again, carefully*

oooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh

No biggie in this case, go right ahead! (i'm practically doing the same thing now. Maybe I ought to ask for advice).

averagejoe
2007-05-22, 04:06 PM
I'm engaged to my little sister's Best Friend, so I guess not. If your best friend is male, he may be very protective. Talk to him first. Don't "ask his permission", but see what he says.


If it was your best friend's sister, I'd say tread carefully. Because it is your best friends girlfriends sister...I'd say it's fairly safe as long as you don't do something really bad to the sister.

Well, speaking as an older brother, I've only ever had a problem with one of the guys any of my sisters have dated, and that's because I had known him for several years longer than she, and as such had good reason to believe he would eventually start fooling around behind her back. However, it might just be me.

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with it if it was my best friend. In some ways I'd even be a bit relieved, because I'd know she was with someone I could trust. However, everyone does feel different about it, so talking about it is probably a good idea. To add to Last Resort's advice, don't ask his permission, but even so, don't necessarily ask her out irreguardless of what your friend thinks either. The worst thing that can happen to two dudes is to let a girl come between them, and it never ends pretty.


Just to check... you guys did get the Girlfriend's part... as in its not my mate's sister... but his girlfriend's sister... yeah? Not saying your dumb, cos you're not... at all... but some of the answers seem to lean that way is all, lol...

Don't worry, I got that. :smallwink: The two are somewhat similar, however, and much of the advice can apply to either situation.

Dib
2007-05-22, 04:07 PM
No biggie in this case, go right ahead! (i'm practically doing the same thing now. Maybe I ought to ask for advice).

Well if its not causing any trouble's for you... cheers :smallsmile:

Last_resort_33
2007-05-22, 04:13 PM
Just to check... you guys did get the Girlfriend's part... as in its not my mate's sister... but his girlfriend's sister... yeah? Not saying your dumb, cos you're not... at all... but some of the answers seem to lean that way is all, lol...

*facepalm*
*headdesk*
*headdesk*
*headdesk*

Oh! no problem then. Don't worry. Best of luck to you mate!

Cyborg Pirate
2007-05-22, 04:19 PM
Well if its not causing any trouble's for you... cheers :smallsmile:

Actually, it's causing a Crapload of trouble :smalltongue: But I don't think much advice can be given about it. I think I just have to wait and see what happens first.

Don't be worried, I don't believe you'll run into the same trouble I've run into.

Kilbia
2007-05-22, 04:33 PM
I'd like a little advice if people don't mind. I've never had a lot of luck with dating. Actually in my whole life I can only think of one that I've ever even been on.

So I'd like to know what I can do to have a bit more luck in asking ladies out. If the question is alright that is.

Two-step plan:

1) Ask them to do the same things with you that you'd ask your other existing friends to do with you. If y'all can't get along as pals, it's not going to last long.

Corollary: Don't sacrifice your own identity for her sake - if you hate chick flicks, don't date a girl who refuses to watch anything else, unless you're both okay with not seeing movies together. This rule goes triple if you plan to ignore 2).

2) Make sure she knows you're attracted to them in that way, and sooner rather than later. Skip the cheesy pick-up lines and the crude propositions, but the next time you're driving home from a club concert or whatever, just tell her: "Hey, you should know that I think you're a great woman, and I'd be interested in a romantic relationship with you. If you're not comfortable with that, it's okay - I promise. You're a great friend, too, and I have enjoyed just hanging out with you, and I'd like to keep doing so. But you deserve to know that I would also be interested in more, if you'd like that too."

Corollary: If you AREN'T interested in being "just friends" with this woman - it's girlfriend or nothing for you - then alter my suggested line accordingly. The important part is that you own your feelings, be they love or lust, and be up-front and honest about them. She may be a little taken aback if you just lay it all out like that, but that's 'cause so few people do it anymore. And she will definitely appreciate that over the doomed approach too many guys take, which is settling for "just friends" status and never actually asking for more - just hoping that someday she will "see the light" and realize how good you would be for her if she'd just give you a chance.

Cyborg Pirate
2007-05-22, 04:40 PM
"Hey, you should know that I think you're a great woman, and I'd be interested in a romantic relationship with you. If you're not comfortable with that, it's okay - I promise. You're a great friend, too, and I have enjoyed just hanging out with you, and I'd like to keep doing so. But you deserve to know that I would also be interested in more, if you'd like that too."

...I do not know a single girl who wouldn't feel creeped out (or would laugh herself to death) if you said it like that to them. And believe me, I know Quite a lot.

Sadly enough, I can't give any specific advice to help out. For me, it's just confidence that makes it work. Look confident enough, and you won't have to go to girls, they'll come to you.

Seffbasilisk
2007-05-22, 05:32 PM
I actually have a pretty complex one.

Now I was really introverted most of the way into middle school, and then in highschool, went in a massive 180 became a massive extrovert. I talk to people, I strike up conversations, if i'm aruging, I might drag a complete stranger into the arguement, things like that.

I'm also not exactly the most...shall we say mentally balanced? person. I usually end up coming at things out of left feild, yet somehow, I am an incurable romantic.

Problem being, I'm a creature of almost pure passion. If it's passionate, it works. If the fire's dead...well, it's hard for me to stick 'round, and for most of the girls I dated in highschool it wasn't more then a month at longest, because I'd get bored.

Now, summer between sophmore and junior year in highschool, I was working for my uncle (he'd managed to screw up his leg, my aunt had just had surgery for breast cancer, so I was helping them renovate the house. Mostly moving and lifting heavy things), and one of his friends came over and brought his wife and two of his girls. And I was immediatly thunderstruck.

Didn't start off with my smoothest line, with my opening gambit being her overhearing a to-self-murmered "I hate small children" while she was watching her sister (just turned 5 at that point), but eventually we ended up talking when I roped her into the argument I was having with my cousin about video games, (I'm a Metriod fanatic, he's a Mario-fan, and she's a Zelda-freak) and after about two hours of talking about almost everything under the sun I kissed her. Well she'd been coming out of a rough patch where she'd had to deal with a friend so close he was basically a brother coming on to her while he had a girlfriend, and after she stopped'm, the entire blame being laid on her. I was actually finally getting over a little redhead I would have taken the firing squad for, leaving me for another guy who was such a macho-man he refused to come into the town I lived in for a year and a half after he and her broke up for fear of running into me. Well that's a story for another day.

Anyway, we basically started off with passion, and after she gave me her phone number before she had to leave, and ended up writing it on my foot (no paper), leaving me to have to memorize it before it wore off, and then having to wait the customary three days before calling.

While I waited, she was despairing of me ever calling, and ended up hooking up with an oriental female friend of hers who was staying at her house for a bit.

Anyway, three days, I called, left a message, ended up talking to her on the phone for a day or so, and agreed to meet her in a park near her house. We met, ended up walking and talking for a while, and hell, I'll admit it, I fell head-over-heels for her. Ended up finally telling her over AIM (cowardly, I know, but hey, I wanted an escape route in case she didn't feel the same.) and found the feeling was reciprocated.

Well anyway, she lived about ten miles away from where I did, so transportation wasn't easy, and during the school year, ended up spending almost all my money on cabs and such to see her. It was going pretty well, and then it's sorta hit a snag.

Y'see, more then a year ago today, I ended up proposing to her. I dunno, it just...felt right. I got a ring, asked her dad, did the whole thing down on one knee when I had a moment alone with her, was proposing now, going to actually get hitched in about five years, etc. She was ecstatic, and it all was good, but this year, well I just got back from spending two semesters at college, and her folks moved futher upstate, so now it's about an hours drive to see her instead of 15 minutes, and while she's finishing the year down here, it's awkward, because the place where she's staying, the landlord doesn't want me over there at all (No Guys Allowed), and between going nuts at college, and her doing crew for her highschool and dealing with her life, we didn't get to talk much. Maybe twice a week.

Well here's where we start to get to the crux of the issue, as I feel we're moving apart, and she seems to think we need to get married NOW and start with babies, and I just think that'll make it worse. I don't know, it seems like we're just getting worse and worse, and I just want to break it off now, and go back to just being boyfriend/girlfriend, but she's so dead-set on this marraige thing, and I'll feel like a heel asking her to drop it down into a lower gear.

I don't know, it's just...complex. Spiraled out of my control so swiftly. I mean, I'm in college now. I just want to be a kid for a while longer. I'm still discovering who I am, and she's just starting to go through that whole awkward phase of 'Who Am I?', and I feel this is one of THE worst times to get married. But she's built it up so much, and has gotten to the point where some nights she'd just cry just because she 'just wanted to get married' Arrgh! I used to think I had a decent handle on how women worked, but this....I don't know how the hell to deal with this.

I mean, I love her with all my heart, if she needed anything, I'd drop what I was doing and do what I could to get it to her... but she doesn't want that. She just wanted marriage, and babies, and a family thing. I wanted to at least have a house and a solid job 'fore that, but now I don't even know if I want that at all. And even worse, I have NO IDEA how to tell her. Things just, seem to be getting worse. Like our sex life is suffering, neither of us can seem to be happy with the relationship for a week solid, and we both have such conflicting goals.

I want to do something, be someone.

She just wants to be a housewife, and doesn't even want to go to college.

I mean, how do I deal with that?

To add to the complications, I'm relativly conservative in my politics, she's a liberal with communist tendancies. She believes in making aluminum foil pyramids spin through mental powers, I poke it with a stick. She hugs trees, and tries to be vegetarian, my favorite jacket is my leather one. I played soccer, fenced, and had years in Ice hocky, wrestling, baseball, and irish football, and the only time she's ever scored a goal in anything was when she was playing football in gym and a spider lept on her leg after someone threw her the ball (that it was a miracle she caught it).

We both busy ourself so much, and maybe see each other two times a week now (i'm home from college), but I can't help but thinking, I can't be shuttling home almost every weekend like I did the last two semesters if I want to get the college experiance and actually get some work done.

I just don't know what to do, I mean, I still care for her, still want her to be happy....I just don't think I can do this engagement thing anymore. I don't know. Do I break it off? How the hell do I handle it? And I mean, I've gotten to be friends with her younger sisters (almost 15 and almost 8 i believe the ages are) and they're all friends of the family....so what the hell do I do? I mean, I still climb trees, and do wacky stunts. I like living the edge, but I feel like i'm being tied down and strangled by commitments.

What do I do? Where do I go from here?

Edit: For reference I'm turning 19 july 9th, and she's turning 18 june 23rd. We've been 'together' for 2 years, 10 months, 2 weeks, and 3 days. July 5th is our anniversary. Ended up proposing to her around the easter before last.

Jack Squat
2007-05-22, 06:07 PM
Well, first off, Jack Squat's advice is pretty bad. I'm pretty sure he was joking, but one wants to be clear in these matters; they're confusing enough. I've known several who tried it, and it never works. The best you can expect for is for it to make you seem desparate.

Yeah, my post was a complete joke...unless you're goal is to get hit with some mace or a tazer. Then it works like a charm :smallbiggrin:

Fallon
2007-05-23, 01:08 AM
Biggest advice I can give to people wanting to go further in a relationship: if a relationship really feels right, and you've really thought about it and stuff, then go for it. If you're religious, definitely pray about it or whatever your religion practices. My husband and I both fasted on the same Sunday, and prayed about getting married a lot. We started having nightly scripture study together only a few dates in. (We met through church, and both of us are very active) Also, DISCUSS THINGS! We talked about where we would prefer to live, lots about how we feel about raising kids, household responsibilities, our education desires, expectations about standard of living, all kinds of things. We don't talk about politics though. He has his views, I have mine, and we just don't worry about them. It just causes unneccessary conflict. (He's a pretty conservative international business major guy, while I'm more like a moderate socialist)

I quite enjoy being a housewife, personally. I'm 19 as of May 12, graduated high school last summer, and met my now husband the week after graduation. He's 23 now. My folks were worried about their barely 18 just out of high school daughter dating someone who was graduating college in a few months, but met him and love him to pieces! Dad and Kevin play racquetball (spelling? I've no idea) sometimes, and have guy time ^_^ I was more worried about our age and if would Kevin even think about dating a little 18 year old than anyone else ^_^ But yeah, we made the decision to have kids right away before we got married. We've a little boy on the way, due in August. My grandpa likes to brag that I'm 7 months married, 6 months pregnant ^_^ (and we did only know each other for 4 months before we got married) I do miss the whole college scene some, but I'm happier this way. And I do study things on my own, like nutrition, chinese, pregnancy and parenting, cooking (I was a cooking major)

On the subject of bachelor parties, my husband and I went shopping the day before we got married, then he ate dinner with his folks for his dad's bday ^_^ Neither of us had a party, and we were fine with it.

But yeah, I had my share of yucky relationships before him... I had enough bad to learn what I wanted in an actual husband. During most of them, I'd feel happy around the guy for the most part, but wouldn't really be happy at all... I was really depressed with my other relationships, and it made me a not so fun person to be around. Those were the only times I ever fought with my best friends.

Last_resort_33
2007-05-23, 03:31 AM
I actually have a pretty complex one.
*snip*
Problem being, I'm a creature of almost pure passion. If it's passionate, it works. If the fire's dead...well, it's hard for me to stick 'round, and for most of the girls I dated in highschool it wasn't more then a month at longest, because I'd get bored.



Well you have to stop that. Now. Really. You're 18 years old. A Man. This is what is called using people.




Now, summer between sophmore and junior year in highschool....
*snip*
... and then having to wait the customary three days before calling.


Gods almighy, if you must



*snip*
Ended up finally telling her over AIM (cowardly, I know, but hey, I wanted an escape route in case she didn't feel the same.) and found the feeling was reciprocated.


Hey, that's not soooo bad... I did it through my SISTER for gods' sake... (now I think about it, that is quite cowardly... I feel ashamed:smallredface: )



Well anyway, she lived about ten miles away from where I did, so transportation wasn't easy, and during the school year, ended up spending almost all my money on cabs and such to see her. It was going pretty well, and then it's sorta hit a snag.

Y'see, more then a year ago today, I ended up proposing to her. I dunno, it just...felt right. I got a ring, asked her dad, did the whole thing down on one knee when I had a moment alone with her, was proposing now, going to actually get hitched in about five years, etc.

So you were in it for the long term, good. Congratulations are in order, I think.

She was ecstatic, and it all was good, but this year, well I just got back from spending two semesters at college, and her folks moved futher upstate, so now it's about an hours drive to see her instead of 15 minutes, and while she's finishing the year down here, it's awkward, because the place where she's staying, the landlord doesn't want me over there at all (No Guys Allowed), and between going nuts at college, and her doing crew for her highschool and dealing with her life, we didn't get to talk much. Maybe twice a week.

Ok, sounds like something's going wrong here, but ok. I drove four and a half hours to see my fiancee. I if the landlord doesn't want guys around, then you have two options my friend. Either, you drive her back to your place (an extra 2 hours of driving never hurt anyone.... (except of course rising sea levels, but let's not go there eh?)) OR she will have to find somewhere else to live. maybe somewhere that she could share with someone. Maybe you could... you know... get somewhere together, becasue it's easier to budget 2 people in a house instead of one, and you already have her father's blessing. Just a thought.

Well here's where we start to get to the crux of the issue, as I feel we're moving apart, and she seems to think we need to get married NOW and start with babies, and I just think that'll make it worse.

*RED ALERT! ALL HANDS ON DECK*
Ok. You are right in a way. This is quite simple. In fact, it is VERY simple. I would go as far as to put it on a plaque as a big rule to all potential newlyweds out there.

Marrage will NEVER heal the cracks in a strained relationship.
So. Tell her you feel that you need to be meeting and talking a hell of a lot more before this. By the time I get married at the beginnning of next year, I will have LIVED with my fiancee for nearly 3 years.


I don't know, it seems like we're just getting worse and worse, and I just want to break it off now, and go back to just being boyfriend/girlfriend, but she's so dead-set on this marraige thing, and I'll feel like a heel asking her to drop it down into a lower gear.

Not lower gear, change of direction. Ask her to move in with you. Say that you two should see what the water is like before jumping in. Especially before children are involved.


I don't know, it's just...complex. Spiraled out of my control so swiftly. I mean, I'm in college now. I just want to be a kid for a while longer. I'm still discovering who I am, and she's just starting to go through that whole awkward phase of 'Who Am I?', and I feel this is one of THE worst times to get married. But she's built it up so much, and has gotten to the point where some nights she'd just cry just because she 'just wanted to get married' Arrgh! I used to think I had a decent handle on how women worked, but this....I don't know how the hell to deal with this.

There are several points here.
1. You can be a kid, and be in a serious long term relationship.
2. If neither of you know who you are, then you need each other to re-affirm it.
3. I do worry that she mean what she said, that she "just wanted to get married" as opposed to "Just wanted to marry you"


I mean, I love her with all my heart, if she needed anything, I'd drop what I was doing and do what I could to get it to her... but she doesn't want that. She just wanted marriage, and babies, and a family thing. I wanted to at least have a house and a solid job 'fore that, but now I don't even know if I want that at all. And even worse, I have NO IDEA how to tell her. Things just, seem to be getting worse. Like our sex life is suffering, neither of us can seem to be happy with the relationship for a week solid, and we both have such conflicting goals.

Get a job before you're married. It doesn't have to be a good one, it should have a "way up" built in somewhere, it doens't have to be ROCK solid, but you should have it.
Babies come with a solid job. If you can't have a solid job, your children are likely to suffer.

But in the end, marrage isn't a physical binding force that stops you doing kid like things. You can still be a kid. you'd just be a kid who was with one person for the rest of his life. You'd be a kid who'd have to look after other, much younger kids.


I want to do something, be someone.

Go on then.


She just wants to be a housewife, and doesn't even want to go to college.

Well if that's what she wants then it doesn't have to conflict with your goals. you go and be a writer/eningeer/artist/scientist/lawer/whatever and you can come home to look after wife and baby.


To add to the complications, I'm relativly conservative in my politics, she's a liberal with communist tendancies. She believes in making aluminum foil pyramids spin through mental powers, I poke it with a stick. She hugs trees, and tries to be vegetarian, my favorite jacket is my leather one. I played soccer, fenced, and had years in Ice hocky, wrestling, baseball, and irish football, and the only time she's ever scored a goal in anything was when she was playing football in gym and a spider lept on her leg after someone threw her the ball (that it was a miracle she caught it).


Excuses. If you were identical copies of each other then it would be boring. Opposites attract my friend.


We both busy ourself so much, and maybe see each other two times a week now (i'm home from college), but I can't help but thinking, I can't be shuttling home almost every weekend like I did the last two semesters if I want to get the college experiance and actually get some work done.

Get the collage experiance my ass! You wanna get bladdered!
I did it for over a year, over 4 hours each way. *slap round face with wet fish*


What do I do? Where do I go from here?


Sideways.

Dib
2007-05-23, 05:33 AM
@Seffbasilisk: Now... I'm not gonna read anyone else's replies... cos yours was long enough on its own... but I'd say (and I;m gonna keep it short and simple)... tell her you don't eant kids yet... yet is the key word, meaning later... and then ask her to move in with you...

Last_resort_33
2007-05-23, 05:44 AM
@Seffbasilisk: Now... I'm not gonna read anyone else's replies... cos yours was long enough on its own... but I'd say (and I;m gonna keep it short and simple)... tell her you don't eant kids yet... yet is the key word, meaning later... and then ask her to move in with you...

Yeah, basically what I said.

Oh. Stag party wise, I'll probably get together in the games shed with some people. Play some games, drink mead and have a nice meal.

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-23, 06:05 AM
If you're at college then can you support a house wife? She'd probably have to work while you were at college anyway.

Try telling her that you wouldn't want your kids to grow up in anything but a stable relationship when you're not worrying about exams.

If you're commited enough you could get married now. But if she herself is so worried about getting married then you might be able to make her understand.

Try to make her understand that you want the same things she wants and are doing you best to go to university so you can get a decent job and support her.

I'm not an expert so don't trust anything I say.

Zeb The Troll
2007-05-23, 08:18 AM
@Seffbasilisk - For the most part, I agree with what LR33 said. The points where I don't exactly see eye to eye are minor and more a difference of opinion than anything. A few of his points that I want to focus on, though, are:

1.) Marriage does not fix relationships. I can't stress this enough.
2.) If you're bothered by the commute, ask her to move in with you. This has the added benefit of "trying on the shoe before you buy it". Meaning that you'll have a chance to see if you can stand each other when you're around each other every day.
3.) See number one. It's worth repeating.
4.) If she wants to be a housewife, she has to understand that it's better to wait until after you've finished school and can get a real job. Married with kids while both are unemployed will stress any relationship. Throw in college and you've got a pressure cooker going. If she wants to be married now, while you're in school, she'll have to be the one supporting you until you're done. Again, kids will complicate that. If for no other reason than how much it'll cost for child care while you attend class and study and she goes off to bring home the bacon.

Beyond those points, you and she have to have a sit down and hash things out. Regardless of what's going to happen to the relationship, you need to get it out in the open. If you do love her and do still intend to marry her, just not right now because of the things that've been mentioned, tell her that. And then back it up by putting forth the effort to show her that she matters to you. Don't balk at an hour drive to see her. (Honestly, I have very little sympathy there. I do that just to go to work because if I lived any closer my rent would double and my apartment would shrink. I'd go a lot farther to see someone I loved without hesitation.) If the distance really is that bothersome, alternate who does the commuting and/or make plans to meet in the middle. It can be overcome.

Fallon
2007-05-23, 11:28 AM
AMEN to the marriage doesn't fix relationship problems. I have seen that in many members of my family, plus with my best friend's mom (she just ended number 4 that had only been going for a few months)

Oh, and why does she really want to expand your family right away? Make sure it's for the right reasons. 'Cause being 18/19 and pregnant SUCKS unless you have a really good reason to help you through those hormonal sobbing on the floor in a fetal position times, and also the yucky morning sickness and the panicky-ness of 'what if something goes wrong.' Also, make sure she talks to doctors before you guys try and have kids

(figured I'd try and make this post more managable, sorry for the long one earlier)

EDIT: I also worked and went to school while my husband was still in school, which was only for a few months after we got married, and I worked until my job doing taxes ended in april. I went to a cheap, super great program in my field full time while working part time and being in the early stages of my preggo-ness

LCR
2007-05-23, 11:45 AM
She's eighteen and thinks about kids?
God, I'm twenty and I don't feel like I'm grown up enough at all. It's going to be another six years until I'm going to really earn money, and after that an additional four years (at least) until I have some senior position. So kids are out of the question for me until I have my MD at 26, it's probably going to be more like 30.
Even if she doesn't have any academic aspirations, you have. Does she really want to sit at home all day, while you learn? Do you want that? And how does she think, she's going to support your kids while you're in school and she at home?
Those are the questions you should bring up and discuss thoroughly.

Dib
2007-05-23, 11:55 AM
She's eighteen and thinks about kids?

bah... my ex was begging for kids and marriage and living together when she was only 15... and she meant it :smalleek:

whether on or off topic... my personal preference would be to have kids when I'm at least five years married and in my late 30's or older... lets say 38? So that gives me 22 years of being a useless lout who does nothing but go to concerts and get wrecked... :smallbiggrin: hopefully I'll get my dream job to boot, just live off of making comics and writing books...

Zeb The Troll
2007-05-23, 12:29 PM
whether on or off topic... my personal preference would be to have kids when I'm at least five years married and in my late 30's or older... lets say 38? So that gives me 22 years of being a useless lout who does nothing but go to concerts and get wrecked... :smallbiggrin: hopefully I'll get my dream job to boot, just live off of making comics and writing books...Heh, I think you overshot your mark on the other side. I'm not 38 and I'm starting to think "do I really want to be in my mid 50's before another kid leaves home?" Not to mention that by then, if your wife is the same age, the chances of having a problem pregnancy get to be pretty high. (I happen to know a bit about this because I dated a surrogate mother, meaning she carried someone else's baby because they couldn't, so I got to hear a lot about fertility). I'll bet by your late 20s to early 30s you'll be more open to the idea. But that's still a long ways off and you have plenty of time to consider your options.

Seffbasilisk
2007-05-23, 12:37 PM
Thanks for the advice guys, a few notes to clear some things up.

I know that marriage won't fix things, if anything it makes it harder. Even explained such to her, but I get the feeling that she's listening, but not really LISTENING to that. Just a nagging suspicion.

I would ask her to move in, but she's living in the top of a friend of her family's house that her folks rented for her, and i'm living in the college dorms. Come fall, she might be going to the same college, but still don't know that yet.

I don't have a car, and don't even have my liscense yet, which makes things more difficult.

I'm still a creature of passion, and I love doing little things like picking her a flower by moonlight, or just running in the rain, and that's coupled with the 'I don't want to grow up for a space yet.'

She doesn't have a job, and I only do part time tech support at the college.

And I feel bad saying this, but, she's not too swift on the uptake. I've explained to her time and time again how canada has so many issues with it's medical care system, and yet like an old friend, she keeps returning to the 'we should go to canada and get away from all this'. It took me eight months of explaining her logical failings in her arguments of 'Pro-Life' until she would even consider them. I mean, I have the typical irish tenacity, but even I will change my argument after I've found that the supporting pillars have been undermined.

Back on the job thing, that's another issue, as she has no idea where she wants to go, and i'm in a similar boat. The issue is, my job ideas are more along the lines of 'writer' 'game-designer' and possibly 'locksmith', none of which would exactly be able to cover a stay-at-home wife and kids.

I feel like a heel, but I don't exactly see how her plans could POSSIBLY work at ALL. I mean, if we both pulled down three jobs while going through college, prudently invested, and erased seeing anyone else, let alone each other, we might be able to make it work, but neither of us is willing to do that. Also, this reroutes again to the issue of 'she can't find a job' which completely sinks the arguement from the get-go.

It's just a terriffic muddle, and I don't know what to do about it.

She's stopped squealing about babies as much as she used to and constantly pressing for getting married NOW, because she can see it bothers me, and I've explained my position on such time and time again, it's just she gets so upset at it. ARRGH!

Vonriel
2007-05-23, 12:48 PM
I would ask her to move in, but she's living in the top of a friend of her family's house that her folks rented for her, and i'm living in the college dorms. Come fall, she might be going to the same college, but still don't know that yet.

Just a quick comment: If it's a friend of her family, and her family likes you and all, maybe you could try and get them to convince the people she's living with to let you come over? Just a small suggestion. As to everything else, I really have nothing, just a wish for good luck.

Syka
2007-05-23, 12:49 PM
Explain your fears and why you don't think it is good to get married quite yet. And make it a point to talk more. Honestly, being 20, I look at my friend who is already married with a kid on the way and...I think, "I could never do that." My ex really, really wanted us to get married right away. There is no way I was ready. Make sure you really are ready before jumping in.

And I have no sympathy about the driving. My ex and I lived 1000 miles apart- 25 hour drive, 2.5 hour flight, I saw him twice a year and we were together for 3 and a half years. The guy I'm currently seeing and I live approximately a 3 hour drive away when I'm at school. I don't drive, so I take the bus home or catch a ride with friends every other or every third weekend. He comes to visit when he is able to get off work (he normally works Saturdays, so it limits it). If you really love her, suck it up and do it. Trust me, I'm still getting the college experience. Weekends I don't go home, I go to the school sponsered Friday night things with friends, or we go to a club (just us girls, maybe one of the guy friends, and we don't dance with guys). I always thought the "not being tied down to have fun" thing was bull. I have essentially been in a relationship in some form or other since I was 16. I'm 20 now, and in no way has my life been boring or not fun. It's just a matter of what you make of it.



Oh yes, and my situation just got a whole lot more interesting. Evidently a guy I met three years back during a hurricane evacuation, has been crushing on me this whole time. We bonded over living in the same area (which was funny, because we were about 300 or so miles from home and had never met before), fantasy, RPG's, metal, and some other stuff. Yes, there was attraction on my end, but I had a boyfriend at the time. Well, I get a message today on Myspace with this admitted crush. The problems: He has a girlfriend, I am dating someone, and he does drugs (not just pot, that I would be fine with). Basically, in the intervening 3 years we had talked sometimes (but never met again), he harbored a crush, and I kind of forgot that I had liked him. oO Now he wants to get to know me better which I'm all for...I just have planted it firmly in the friend zone. The only way that might change is if the girlfriend and the drugs are out of the picture. (The guy I'm dating isn't as big of a deal...we aren't exclusive, but I would check before anything happening).

Ok...that wasn't really for advice...more for just getting it off my chest. I swear my life has turned in to a romantic comedy in the last 6 months. :smallannoyed:

Cheers,
Syka

Last_resort_33
2007-05-23, 02:07 PM
Ok, Seff, here we go...

She's not pressing for marriage yet, that's a Good Thing. Babies have been put on the back shelf (metaphorically of course) which is a good thing. Let me say this.

YOU CAN STILL BE A KID, YOU CAN STILL BE PASSIONATE.
Marriage should be becasue of passion, not an end to it for christ's sake! And I don't just mean passion for the other person, but passion for life, passion for experiances and feelings. Get married becasue you want to share that passion with someone else.

If you want to be a writer, then great, go ahead, do it, she may have to get a part time job too, but that's ok becasue if you're writing at home, you can give her a break with the baby.

If you want to be a locksmith, even better, Locksmithing can pull in a reasonable living wage. What are you studying at college?

You can make it work. If you're living in halls, wait until your lease ends (or find someone who wants to take it maybe) and then get somewhere different.

I would definitely talk to her landlord/landlady. Let them see what a charming, upstanding member of society you are.

Rock the boat! Stir things up! Make things happen. Move Sideways!

alchemyprime
2007-05-23, 08:12 PM
I know I shouldn't throw another problem into the mix of what yous are all trying to solve, so allow me to give the short-hand version.

I'm a Junior, she's a Senior. High school type, not names or age.

She's two and a half years my superior.

We went on a date in February, a day after her birthday.

We decided to make it official in the middle of March. We started to tell each other that we were g/f and b/f. When people asked me about her, I caled her my lass.

I told her I loved her on Myspace two weeks ago after she sent me a relationship related message, a week after spraining my ankle and getting over a big fight, in that order.

She didn't like that I used those words, and so I explained to her in detail how I felt, without using the actual word love.

She hasn't spoken to me at all since that second message, last Friday.

I know I probably took it to fast. Did I screw up a relation ship due to my own CG tendencies and wishes for passion and romance, or is this relationship salvagable? Can I ever be with my lass again, or should I move on and try to find another relationship? Don't get me wrong, I want to be with her, but if the relationship isn't savable, I'd like to at least try for something romantic with someone.

Also, Seff, I only know from what the adults I normally talk to tell me, but three years of living together or marriage is the good number before having kids. Also, don't get married unless you're going to have kids or plan to have them.

Sadly, my grandmother told me that last sentence. I watered it down out of boards etiquitte. I need to go supress some recently surfaced memories of what the real quote was now.

Daze
2007-05-23, 08:26 PM
I'm a Junior, she's a Senior. High school type, not names or age.

She's two and a half years my superior.

We went on a date in February, a day after her birthday.

We decided to make it official in the middle of March. We started to tell each other that we were g/f and b/f. When people asked me about her, I caled her my lass.

I told her I loved her on Myspace two weeks ago after she sent me a relationship related message, a week after spraining my ankle and getting over a big fight, in that order.

She didn't like that I used those words, and so I explained to her in detail how I felt, without using the actual word love.

She hasn't spoken to me at all since that second message, last Friday.

I know I probably took it to fast. Did I screw up a relation ship due to my own CG tendencies and wishes for passion and romance, or is this relationship salvagable? Can I ever be with my lass again, or should I move on and try to find another relationship? Don't get me wrong, I want to be with her, but if the relationship isn't savable, I'd like to at least try for something romantic with someone.

Tough one amigo.

I can relate in that my girl is 6 years my senior (I'm 28). At our ages it doesnt make as big of a difference, but at yours it can from my own experience. (my girlfriends always seemed to be older)

You have to remember, she's leaving your world (High school). It's only natural for her to want to leave herself open for new experiences when she gets to college, the "real world", etc...

Being a passionate romantic myself, I've let slip the "love" word a bit too early or have been too emotionally deep, too quickly. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's almost impossible to successfully bounce back from that type of scenario. If she felt the same way, she'd say so and know it as soon as you did. If not, it's unlikely it'll ever happen.
You cant force or manipulate it no matter how sweet & smart you can be. (much to our chagrins I'm sure)

That doesnt mean all is lost though. The best approach would be to explain yourself, play it off. Be honest and admit that your personality allows for great depth of feeling, but that you value her friendship above all and you didnt mean to imply anything negative.
Hopefully she doesnt mind this and you can continue a lighter type relationship together. But if your anything like me, that wont be acceptable...

So that being the case, toss that line back out into the sea. Your young, believe me there's more fish out there than you realize. Dont sell yourself short with all thats coming on the horizon, you may regret it.

hope that helps partner, good luck. From one CG to another...

Syka
2007-05-23, 08:46 PM
Ok um...She probably just freaked out. I remember when the guy I'm dating told me he loved me back in Feb, after seeing him for 4 months, and not even officially being in relationship, my first reaction was, "What the? I thought we weren't doing the relationship thing? I thought I was safe!" I talked to him the next day and he let me know that, still not relationship because of distance, but he felt that if you feel something you should let someone know.

The actual sentence, "I love you" has only been uttered that once. I'm still too scared to say the full thing, so I keep to <3 you, if anything. He has kept it to the same.

Try getting in touch and explaining that. Let her know that if it is too soon, you understand. But why exactly did she not like it? Has she been burnt before?

Hefty Lefty
2007-05-23, 08:48 PM
I have a real tough problem (but then again, if it wasn't tough, I could probably have solved it myself by now!).

There's this girl, a few months older, not a big deal. We're both sophmores (high school). We went out 8th-grade to Freshman summer, and it was great; we were already great friends. We broke up the end of Freshman Fall, and I guess I never got over it. It's Sophmore spring now, she's gone out with other guys (I haven't gone out with other girls); we're both single now. We're still great friends, but how can you tell if there's a possibility to rekindle a flame? And if there isn't that chance, how can you get over what you can't have?

Lastly, I don't know how much into detail I can get here with the language servers and Mods watching me, so I'll try to be clean. It does have to do with this situation and this thread.
The Fairy Modmother: Explict discussions of sex are against forum rules. Thanks for playing.

This girl is easily the hottest in my grade, but not the most popular, which is what I love about her. She's down-to-earth, amazingly beautiful and, eh, a little trampy. What do you guys think? How can I help to restart things? Should I restart things?

Fax Celestis
2007-05-23, 08:53 PM
Should I restart things?

Absoballylutely not. Restarting relationships is a bad thing, and I have never seen one work to any degree of success, particularly in high school (trust me, I've tried). Sorry to step on your emotions, but trust me, it's better if you don't, especially if she's done something that she doesn't think is a big deal but you think is deplorable.

Hefty Lefty
2007-05-23, 08:59 PM
Absoballylutely not. Restarting relationships is a bad thing, and I have never seen one work to any degree of success, particularly in high school (trust me, I've tried). Sorry to step on your emotions, but trust me, it's better if you don't, especially if she's done something that she doesn't think is a big deal but you think is deplorable.

I've been trying to tell myself that for a year now, that I shouldn't restart things. But I just can't! (It's frustrating, I know.)
scrubbing bubbles

Daze
2007-05-23, 09:13 PM
I've been trying to tell myself that for a year now, that I shouldn't restart things. But I just can't! (It's frustrating, I know.)


scrubbing bubbles

Anyhow...sounds to me your stuck in the glass case man. As in "break in case of emergency". The girl you described to me sounds like many I've known. Sounds like she leads you on just enough to keep you interested, but wont follow through.

That whole friends after break up thing is mostly a myth, it's always more comfortable for the person that actually did the "breaking up" and less so for the break-ee. Especially in high school.
It's a 1% when it's truly mutual.

I say get out there man, if its meant to be somewhere down the road, then great... if not, dont limit yourself! You got a ways to go bro, believe me the ache will dull in time and eventually disappear (right when you meet a new great woman most likely). And I garuntee THATS when she'll be interested... ironic huh?

Hefty Lefty
2007-05-23, 09:29 PM
I know that "that right women will come along someday," and that my Disney fairytale love life will come true, but that's down the road. I'm in a school of 1500 total kids. There's not much to choose from. For about the first 6 months after breaking up I searched, but I always ended up comparing the next girl to her and I ended up thinking I was "just settling."
Also, I don't know if I stressed something enough (irronically, it's the last word I want to say again, so I won't. You can figure it out.). I don't think it's the last stop on the train: there weren't any reprocussions, and, call me immature, but I don't see anything wrong with it.

Syka
2007-05-23, 09:31 PM
I'll tell you what I tell everyone: What caused the break up in the first place is probably still there. Getting back together won't solve that.


scrubbing bubbles

Daze
2007-05-23, 09:43 PM
I know that "that right women will come along someday," and that my Disney fairytale love life will come true, but that's down the road. I'm in a school of 1500 total kids. There's not much to choose from. For about the first 6 months after breaking up I searched, but I always ended up comparing the next girl to her and I ended up thinking I was "just settling."
Also, I don't know if I stressed something enough (irronically, it's the last word I want to say again, so I won't. You can figure it out.). I don't think it's the last stop on the train: there weren't any reprocussions, and, call me immature, but I don't see anything wrong with it.

Look... I know no one ever likes to hear the "be patient, it gets better" type things. But fact is, it's true. 1500 kids is a good amount, and thats not even counting the freshman that come in every year. If you give up before trying, than your not doing very much good are you?
It's natural to compare other girls to her, you'll prolly do that the rest of your life... but be patient, it passes. Force your self if you have to. Go ahead and "just settle", at least for now. That will get things moving in the right direction at least, not like you're getting married anytime soon are you? Have a little fun...

scrubbing bubbles

Jack Squat
2007-05-23, 09:49 PM
just thought I'd point out something


Inappropriate Topics
The following topics are always off-limits on these forums, no matter what (hence, Inappropriate Topics). Any posts including these topics will be edited, and any threads started to discuss these topics will be locked. Please note that, as specifically stated below, these topics remain off-limits even where they intersect with gaming or other activities discussed on these forums, and that putting an alert for “Adult” or “Mature” content on the thread does not allow circumvention of this rule.


Real-world religions (including religious reactions to gaming)
Real-world politics (including political reactions to gaming)
Graphic violence
Illegal drugs
Criminal activity
Explicit sexuality


We might want to get off this topic fast, this thread has good things to offer, I'd hate to see it locked.

Vonriel
2007-05-23, 09:50 PM
Guys, we may want to keep the sex talk to a null. I know that's partly why the very first Confessions and Secrets thread was taken away, and if this gets too graphic, it'll go too.

Edit: Haha, didn't even notice I got ninja'd by someone saying the same thing. :smalltongue:

Daze
2007-05-23, 09:52 PM
Good point fellas... I've said all I needed to say anyways. Dont wanna see anyone get in trouble. Zzzzzzzpppp! *throws away key*

Hefty Lefty
2007-05-23, 09:54 PM
Thanks Daze, I totally agree, it's just hard. I know you're right.

I'm sorry other guys! I don't mean it to be explicit. I know it's a rule, but it's also a Relationship Woe. I think we're done that topic anyway, so I won't bring it up again. Sorry about that.

Zeb The Troll
2007-05-23, 11:08 PM
Hefty, et al - I'd strongly advise that you go back and edit the previous few posts before the scrubbing bubbles come through. We don't want that.

Lilly
2007-05-24, 03:26 AM
The Fairy Modmother:

Even though this is the relationship woes thread, the rules banning explicit sexual discussion still applies. The forums have a PG-13 rating at the most. Please do not begin discussing the topic again.

Thanks,
~Lilly

Inappropriate Topics
The following topics are always off-limits on these forums, no matter what (hence, Inappropriate Topics). Any posts including these topics will be edited, and any threads started to discuss these topics will be locked. Please note that, as specifically stated below, these topics remain off-limits even where they intersect with gaming or other activities discussed on these forums, and that putting an alert for “Adult” or “Mature” content on the thread does not allow circumvention of this rule.

* Real-world religions (including religious reactions to gaming)
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* Graphic violence
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chiX0r
2007-05-24, 04:17 AM
I guess I'll add my woes to the pile.

I'm pretty sure most people would look at me and think "I bet she has no trouble at all getting a boyfriend", and they'd be wrong. The problem I think is that all the guys who are interested me are the annoying, jocky, dumb type and all the guys I'm interested in are not interested in me or are too scared to ask me out. For instance, there was this guy at summer camp last year that I really liked, but every time I would try to talk to him he would just kind of freeze up and make an excuse to leave. So I stopped trying because I thought he didn't like me. Then when we got back home, a friend that I had made at camp told me by e-mail that he had told her that he did like me, he was just sure I was "out of his league". Whatever that means. Stuff like this has happened more than once, and it's insane!

Actually, the only guys I know who are obviously interested in me that I would actually ever consider dating are a couple guys in my gaming group who I can't date because (1) I've known them since we were 2 and their like my brothers, and (2) it would kind of make things awkward with our other friends in the group and what if we broke up? I would just be losing best friends either way.

So, I need some advice from guys. What constitutes "out of your league"? What would it take for you to date a girl like that?

Khantalas
2007-05-24, 04:37 AM
I don't have a league. However, you might say pretty much everything is "out of my league". That has more to do with my utter social ineptness than anything else, though.

Also, I don't see why you wouldn't have trouble getting a boyfriend. Getting a date, maybe (well, you aren't really my type). However, the word boyfriend - to me, at least - implies some sort of commitment that takes time, courage and stuff.

For me to date any girl, well, the girl has to make the first move. That would be all. Then, according to some really complicated and insane criteria (Is she good-looking? Is she fun?), I would decide whether to respond positively or not.

Then again, there's this huge conspiracy that involves the indoctrination of masses how the guy has to make the first move and all that, with one ultimate goal - to keep me chronically single.

(Note: This post should only be taken half seriously. The half to be taken seriously is left up to the reader to decide.)

Last_resort_33
2007-05-24, 04:37 AM
Well I considered "anyone female" out of my league until I met Emily. It's a crappy crap crap scale. You CAN date one of your freinds if you so wish. If cracks start showing in a relationship, make sure it ends nicely. Em used to go out with one of the guys in our games group before I met her (I think in part, she left him for me:smallcool: ), and we all good friends now and we all still play games together. Both myself and Em would consdider him one of our best friends.

Just make sure everything ends well and you'll be ok.

With nervous men, you just have to tell them what to do in no uncertian terms. Em did this with the afformentioned ex by using the words "LOOK, PUT DOWN THE ****ING TICKER TAPE AND ASK ME OUT!"

Arlanthe
2007-05-24, 04:45 AM
So, I need some advice from guys. What constitutes "out of your league"? What would it take for you to date a girl like that?

I must admit I am a little surprised you're having troubles. You'll be a good find for some gamer guy somewhere!

I think a lot of it has to do with expectation and self-assurance. When I was younger I had to deal with my fair amount of rejection based on the "nerd" factor. I am decently smart (B.S. Physics), a D&D/Computer/Console/Board/War gamer, I have a decent sense of humor and think I'm pretty tolerable in the looks department (judge for yourself in the You thread). However, I definitely felt alienated and at the bottom of the list for girlfriends in High School. I felt pretty much every female was out of my league.

Through direct communciation, body language, social expectation, etc, geek guys "just don't get no respect". Your kind treatment of your kindred male spirits is less common than it should be. I, at least, just grew to expect little and any time I tried to be daring and approach other women it wen't badly. Thus, within my own head (and I think in society in general) it is just accepted that geek types aren't dated until at least college, and even then after that also.

I recall a study being done(anyone have the link) on women's preference in men. They showed pictures of men and were told to relate which they would have physical relations with, and which they would raise children with.

In the former category the men tended to be more masculine, square-jawed, mesomorphic jock-types. In the latter category, men were more feminine, or "geeky" looking. So long before women care about the latter category they care about the former, and those of us not in it well... the trend hasn't gone unnoticed. It can really crimp your ego.

I'll add to that most girls and women say they want a particular kind of guy, but their actions often don't match, but I won't go there. So in the worst case scenario, time and responsibility evens the playing field for everyone and you'll also have more options in the future. For the time being, you might have to resort to being more extroverted about who you like (if it's a geeky guy, he probably likes you anyway). You might have to be the "approacher", so to speak.

And remember that no matter what the femme gallery says, their contrary actions of dating the guys that pick on the geeks can really nuke someones self esteem and make them even more introverted than they already are. In that respect you have an uphill battle to fight. Good luck.

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-24, 05:54 AM
A while ago someone said that I was out of some girls league. That was bizare. I'm not sure it I'm a hypocrit since I whine about not being able to get a girl friend but I've never said yes to anyone who's asked me out.

Mainly it's about social cliques. If you're poorer than someone or don't have the same friends your seen as out of their league. It's also related to the idea that people tend to prefer people who are just as attractive as they are.

It's about first impressions mainly and those are always a bad idea. Unless you're dealing with someone who plans to murder/rape/mug you and you get a creepy vibe from them. But even then you should keep alert rather than judge them.

Zeb The Troll
2007-05-24, 06:01 AM
I'm pretty sure most people would look at me and think "I bet she has no trouble at all getting a boyfriend", and they'd be wrong. The problem I think is that all the guys who are interested me are the annoying, jocky, dumb type and all the guys I'm interested in are not interested in me or are too scared to ask me out. For instance, there was this guy at summer camp last year that I really liked, but every time I would try to talk to him he would just kind of freeze up and make an excuse to leave. So I stopped trying because I thought he didn't like me. Then when we got back home, a friend that I had made at camp told me by e-mail that he had told her that he did like me, he was just sure I was "out of his league". Whatever that means. Stuff like this has happened more than once, and it's insane!

Actually, the only guys I know who are obviously interested in me that I would actually ever consider dating are a couple guys in my gaming group who I can't date because (1) I've known them since we were 2 and their like my brothers, and (2) it would kind of make things awkward with our other friends in the group and what if we broke up? I would just be losing best friends either way.

So, I need some advice from guys. What constitutes "out of your league"? What would it take for you to date a girl like that?I took the liberty of highlighting a few items straight out of the gamer handbook for you. Almost as much as women are (erroneously) taught that to be rail thin is desirable, gamers are taught that we are somehow subpar in society. (I don't know if you get the same commercials I do, but right now there's a commercial for Alltell Wireless airing that makes fun of us where the "cool" guy asks the other "losers" what level dungeon master they are and they don't get that they've just been insulted. This is just the latest example that "regular" folks don't respect us and we don't deserve to play their reindeer games. [I think they're secretly scared of the fact that most of us are smarter than they are, but that's just my theory.])

I've heard a few times in my life, too late for it to be useful, that a girl I liked was interested in me too and all I needed to do was ask. Like a lot of folks here I'm not as comfortable with who I am as I probably should be so I don't ask girls that I don't see some sort of favorable response from. On that note, I'm also not psychic. If you're interested, you'd have to convey it and not just hope. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you whip out the clue bat, but try not to be overly subtle either.

As far as dating the guys in your group, I'm going to take a stab in the dark and guess that if you actually showed some interest in being more than just friends they'd probably pass out. Normal girls don't date gamers and gamer girls get to have their pick of the guys that game. Few of those guys feel like they're going to be at the top of the roster, especially over other guys that don't game, so they probably aren't even looking for signals. So if you're interested, don't be subtle.

Another tactic you can try is (horror of horrors!) taking the lead. I know, that's not how it works. But I direct you to Khantalas's post as evidence that some of us are just that shy. (Khan, really, surely at least ONE of those cute girls you posted pictures with would be inclined to go on a date with you, for cryin' out loud.) If you do decide that you're going to ask a guy out, <sound of a record skipping> don't be subtle.

Khantalas
2007-05-24, 06:10 AM
(Khan, really, surely at least ONE of those cute girls you posted pictures with would be inclined to go on a date with you, for cryin' out loud.)

1) Cute girls? Where?

2) I really doubt it. I mean, really really REALLY doubt it.

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-24, 06:14 AM
I've heard a few times in my life, too late for it to be useful, that a girl I liked was interested in me too and all I needed to do was ask. Like a lot of folks here I'm not as comfortable with who I am as I probably should be so I don't ask girls that I don't see some sort of favorable response from. On that note, I'm also not psychic. If you're interested, you'd have to convey it and not just hope. I'm not necessarily suggesting that you whip out the clue bat, but try not to be overly subtle either.

I have a good protection against this in that I only develope attractions to girls who have nothing to do with me.


Another tactic you can try is (horror of horrors!) taking the lead. I know, that's not how it works. But I direct you to Khantalas's post as evidence that some of us are just that shy. (Khan, really, surely at least ONE of those cute girls you posted pictures with would be inclined to go on a date with you, for cryin' out loud.) If you do decide that you're going to ask a guy out, <sound of a record skipping> don't be subtle.

I don't talk to people I don't fancy so the idea that I'd ever go within 10 ft. of someone I did fancy is unthinkable.

I told a girl I liked her but I didn't bother asking her out. That was probably a mistake but that whole thing went down a drain anyway.

The Prince of Cats
2007-05-24, 06:27 AM
Another tactic you can try is (horror of horrors!) taking the lead.
Oh yes... The single suggestion that cannot be beaten.

My wife settled for second best for much of her life, just taking any man up on an offer rather than being single. It was, and she agrees with me on this, pathetic. One day, she decided to change her approach; she walked up to me and not only asked me out, she didn't even give me a choice in the matter. Shy and demure is all well and good, but most girls I have known need to be more aggressive.

To be fair, of all the relationships of my life, I was only ever the instigator once. I had some serious trouble with self-esteem, despite my looks and my natural charm. I was so introvert that I did not ever know how to talk to girls, so I aimed too low or didn't even try.
I didn't gain any real confidence until I got into the theatre and met girls less inclined to play the passive role. For the first week or so, I thought I was the odd one out; all my friends were beautiful, even the men were good enough to turn my head. I mean, I was the lanky computer-programmer with glasses and bad skin.

Realising I was good-looking, witty and charming (modesty be damned) taught me to go out and try. Sadly, most girls I knew fell into one of three categories - those who were attached, those who thought I was an arrogant bastard and those who thought I was joking.

So the moral of this tale is simple; you can have the man/woman/androgynous-waif of your dreams if you have the courage to try. Forget what others say, what society tells you; you have nothing to lose but your unrequited fixation...

Khantalas
2007-05-24, 06:33 AM
Hmm. So, apparently, everyone agrees that taking the lead is the best course.

I know a few girls that need to read this. I am tired of fixing them up.

Hoggy
2007-05-24, 06:58 AM
Everyone hates taking the lead, because if things go wrong, it's the one who takes the lead that takes the fall.

And to not make this a totally worthless post: alchohol works. Maybe it's not for everyone though. hmm. Let me rethink that. >.<

Arlanthe
2007-05-24, 07:19 AM
Everyone hates taking the lead, because if things go wrong, it's the one who takes the lead that takes the fall.

QFT


And to not make this a totally worthless post: alchohol works. Maybe it's not for everyone though. hmm. Let me rethink that. >.<

QFTL

I definitely agree that the asker takes the fall if someone turns you down. Plus, some people (sorry girls) consider striking someone down a badge of honor, and that kind of gossipy thing gets spread with a few too many smirks
:(

Alcohol is bad for this kind of thing. Plus, you shouldn't need a crutch for this of all things.

Zeb The Troll
2007-05-24, 07:53 AM
1) Cute girls? Where?If you don't think they're cute, there's nothing I can do to help you. I just know that when I was your age I didn't even know that many girls that looked that good. Let alone had any kind of friendship with them.


2) I really doubt it. I mean, really really REALLY doubt it.And the harm in asking is...? She says no? It's not the end of the world (says the guy who hasn't asked anyone out in years for this same reason. Hmm.). If you ask her out for a soda and she says no, you brush it off and act like it was nothing. If she says yes, you say "Cool, I'll see you then" and do the happy dance once she's around the corner. Nothing to lose and much to gain.

Jack Squat
2007-05-24, 09:07 AM
I'm not necessarily suggesting that you whip out the clue bat, but try not to be overly subtle either.

you know...some of us need to be beaten repeatedly with the clue bat. So I wouldn't toss it out as an option, just a last resort.

Last_resort_33
2007-05-24, 09:12 AM
you know...some of us need to be beaten repeatedly with the clue bat. So I wouldn't toss it out as an option, just a last resort.

Last Resort, as it happens was beaten repeatedly with the clue bat and just went "eh? what was that?"

LCR
2007-05-24, 09:36 AM
Oh yes... The single suggestion that cannot be beaten.

My wife settled for second best for much of her life, just taking any man up on an offer rather than being single. It was, and she agrees with me on this, pathetic. One day, she decided to change her approach; she walked up to me and not only asked me out, she didn't even give me a choice in the matter. Shy and demure is all well and good, but most girls I have known need to be more aggressive.

To be fair, of all the relationships of my life, I was only ever the instigator once. I had some serious trouble with self-esteem, despite my looks and my natural charm. I was so introvert that I did not ever know how to talk to girls, so I aimed too low or didn't even try.
I didn't gain any real confidence until I got into the theatre and met girls less inclined to play the passive role. For the first week or so, I thought I was the odd one out; all my friends were beautiful, even the men were good enough to turn my head. I mean, I was the lanky computer-programmer with glasses and bad skin.

Realising I was good-looking, witty and charming (modesty be damned) taught me to go out and try. Sadly, most girls I knew fell into one of three categories - those who were attached, those who thought I was an arrogant bastard and those who thought I was joking.

So the moral of this tale is simple; you can have the man/woman/androgynous-waif of your dreams if you have the courage to try. Forget what others say, what society tells you; you have nothing to lose but your unrequited fixation...

Quoted for truth :smallbiggrin:

Still, you're right. The best way is to go out and try. If all you do, is sitting on around waiting for somebody to talk to you, you're inclined to stay lonely.
But if you go out and talk to girls/guys/animals, you are going to be disappointed at times, but at the end of the day, you will find somebody.

Vonriel
2007-05-24, 10:15 AM
Yes, Last Resort, we can tell. It turned you from this (http://pedrick.franks.org.uk/IronYOU1.jpg) to this (http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i278/wolfshonor/gifs/monkey2.gif). :smallwink:


I guess I'll add my woes to the pile.

I'm pretty sure most people would look at me and think "I bet she has no trouble at all getting a boyfriend", and they'd be wrong. The problem I think is that all the guys who are interested me are the annoying, jocky, dumb type and all the guys I'm interested in are not interested in me or are too scared to ask me out. For instance, there was this guy at summer camp last year that I really liked, but every time I would try to talk to him he would just kind of freeze up and make an excuse to leave. So I stopped trying because I thought he didn't like me. Then when we got back home, a friend that I had made at camp told me by e-mail that he had told her that he did like me, he was just sure I was "out of his league". Whatever that means. Stuff like this has happened more than once, and it's insane!

Actually, the only guys I know who are obviously interested in me that I would actually ever consider dating are a couple guys in my gaming group who I can't date because (1) I've known them since we were 2 and their like my brothers, and (2) it would kind of make things awkward with our other friends in the group and what if we broke up? I would just be losing best friends either way.

So, I need some advice from guys. What constitutes "out of your league"? What would it take for you to date a girl like that?

Hmm, it seems like most viewpoints have been mentioned. So it's time for some completely redundant advice! Yay!

Oh, and be warned, I will compliment you on how you look, but I mean nothing more than that: compliments.

I think I'll answer your last question first. Let's face it: You are a very attractive person, and that is enough to scare your average gamer guy. For most of us in high school, the chain of thought resembles: "Okay, this really good looking girl is flirting with me. She must want to try and humiliate me. I gotta back off and keep her away from me so it can't happen." It really is sad, but that is probably how a good portion of the gamer-guys (and, indeed, that sounds like the type of guy you're trying to to find) think when you approach them. It's more or less something imposed upon us by Hollywood, which is annoying, to say the least. And, to define out of our league: In school, there is a sort of social hierarchy, that places people basically in order of popularity. Your average gamer-guy will be at the bottom of this hierarchy, while to them you look like you should be up near the top of it. Thus, they think you're out of their league, or out of their tier in the social hierarchy of high school. Thanks to the media, we have this belief that dating someone out of our league will lead to us having any number of bad things done to us.

I'm not a good example, because I wasn't your typical gamer-guy in high school. I was accepted pretty much universally, and wouldn't have been completely put off by the idea of one of my friends liking me. If you still want to hear it, well, it would have taken her being a little more than subtle. She might not have had to come out and ask me out, but she would have had to come out and say she liked me before I did anything. I was definitely oblivious (still am) to subtle acts.

Good luck, hope our advice helps. And please, for the love of all that's holy, don't go out and talk to the animals. :smallwink:

Syka
2007-05-24, 10:58 AM
I had something of the same problem in high school...evidently there were guys who liked me but they didn't tell me (probably had something to do with the fact I had a boyfriend for half of it). When they did decide to tell me...well...unfortunately, the one time I've seen him since then was kind of awkward.

I don't know, but once I became single this last November I've been having to beat guys off with a bat it seems (or maybe this just means I'm not incredibly attractive...just mildly. ;) ). Perhaps they just need to gain the confidence to go after you, or you could persue the guys you are interested in.

No offense to the gamer types but not all of those 'dumb jocks' are really dumb and only in to sports. If I had gone based on my percieved notion of the guy I'm dating now, he would have been brushed off as a ditzy blond surfer guy. So not the case...He games, likes horror, yadayadayada.

AND NO ALCOHOL! Keep alcohol as far away from these situations as humanly possible! I have experience. The aforementioned friend who let me know decided to do it at a party, which I had technically gone to with the guy I'm dating now (we're all friends, or were). He had had a few beers, the guy I'm dating had one or two, and I was the only sober one...who was left out of the loop. He ended up asking the guy I'm dating if he'd mind if he asked me out. He got a "um...ok?" and then decided to let me know he had been waiting for me and my ex to break up, and would like to get together if I ever moved back to the area.

The guy I'm dating was kicking himself for at least the next day, wondering why he said ok. I haven't seen him drink since.

LCR
2007-05-24, 11:17 AM
This might come unexpected, but maybe Syka is right and acohol is not a great idea. But then, maybe a lager or two make you bold enough to ask the girl you've been pining for for her phone number. Do not show off your binge drinking skillz, I'm pretty sure that noone is interested, especially potential partners.

averagejoe
2007-05-24, 11:32 AM
So, I need some advice from guys. What constitutes "out of your league"? What would it take for you to date a girl like that?

Out of my league? Nothing. No one. Because I am an awsome person. Not that I'm trying to be arrogant, it just seems to be a healthy attitude to take whilst dating. Guys out there, don't put yourselves down so much. Chances are that you too are an awsome person.

Glaivemaster
2007-05-24, 11:34 AM
This might come unexpected, but maybe Syka is right and acohol is not a great idea. But then, maybe a lager or two make you bold enough to ask the girl you've been pining for for her phone number. Do not show off your binge drinking skillz, I'm pretty sure that noone is interested, especially potential partners.

I often find that people are not taken seriously when they've been drinking, even if they seem completely serious and sensible. Alcohol is a bad idea. Make sure both parties are sober, or feelings might get hurt

LCR
2007-05-24, 11:54 AM
Out of my league? Nothing. No one. Because I am an awsome person. Not that I'm trying to be arrogant, it just seems to be a healthy attitude to take whilst dating. Guys out there, don't put yourselves down so much. Chances are that you too are an awsome person.

Awesome person? Me? No ... if the average joe's awesome, I am probably boring ...


I often find that people are not taken seriously when they've been drinking, even if they seem completely serious and sensible. Alcohol is a bad idea. Make sure both parties are sober, or feelings might get hurt

That really depends on how much you've been drinking and how drinking alcohol is perceived. If you're 15 and totally freak out after having one beer, don't drink, you won't be taken seriously. But if you've reached a reasonable age and it's not uncommon for you and you friends to drink beer or wine, there's nothing wrong with lager or whisky-soda to get you relaxed. This completely loses effect once you overdo it. Do not down multiple bottles of vodka in order to impress somebody, but stick to one drink. If you're feeling tipsy, you've drunken too much.
And stop trying to eat my brain.

Hoggy
2007-05-24, 02:32 PM
Okay, so people agree alchohol is a bad thing! Like I (sort of) implied, it's not for everyone.



I have experience.

Quick note: I'm sure a few of us do. :smallwink:

Syka
2007-05-24, 03:27 PM
Hehe. I don't actually drink. I was just on the recieving end of a badly timed confession that was prompted by alcohol. ;)

Totally Guy
2007-05-24, 03:54 PM
I think I'm going to be moving in the next 2 to 4 weeks to a new city. I've kind of given up on meeting anybody where I currently am, even with the aid of the nurses I'm currently living with I've not got anywhere in the last 6 months.

I'm feeling a little down now, as I might never have an allies quite as powerful as 4 nurses again (talk about party formation!)

I'll refocus my attention on my next address but I'll be starting over again, on my own. Has anybody any advice for how to make the best possible start in a new location?

That might seem like a general question with nothing to do with relationships but it's not.

averagejoe
2007-05-24, 03:56 PM
Awesome person? Me? No ... if the average joe's awesome, I am probably boring ...

Well, then don't act like it, for heaven's sake. Chances are that no one will notice.

Daze
2007-05-24, 03:58 PM
I'll refocus my attention on my next address but I'll be starting over again, on my own. Has anybody any advice for how to make the best possible start in a new location?

Well, I'm the type who has no problem walking into a random pub, sitting down and talking to random strangers. Never know who you might meet that way. I've done that in just about any new town/city I've been in.

First impressions count too, so make sure you make an effort to look decent.

Talking about where your from is a good ice breaker too. The old "hey, I"m new around here, what do you guys do for fun?" type thing works well. Most people are happy to demonstrate their knowledge of their city...

remember half the battle is starting the conversation, after that its clear sailing :)

Mick_the_Rogue
2007-05-24, 04:12 PM
I think I'm going to be moving in the next 2 to 4 weeks to a new city. I've kind of given up on meeting anybody where I currently am, even with the aid of the nurses I'm currently living with I've not got anywhere in the last 6 months.

I'm feeling a little down now, as I might never have an allies quite as powerful as 4 nurses again (talk about party formation!)

I'll refocus my attention on my next address but I'll be starting over again, on my own. Has anybody any advice for how to make the best possible start in a new location?

That might seem like a general question with nothing to do with relationships but it's not.

I'm going through the same thing. In college I'm constantly bombarded by new people. When I go home, not so much... Really what I kinda want right nw is a crush, not a real relationship. Just someone to pine over, it would just make my life a bit more interesting rather than simply sitting around and watching the occassional movie with friends

As for advice, a pub, a coffee shop, go out places with friends, find friends' friends, basically go anywhere you can, talk to people, etc.

And by the way, nice little team cleric you had going

As for the out of your league stuff...You've seen the relatively 'nothing' guys get with much more attractive women. While looks are usually nice, most women are attracted to personality more so than looks. Be confident (not to the point of being obnoxious of course) and be yourself, someone will take notice

alchemyprime
2007-05-24, 04:13 PM
Thanks to those who helped me.

I think I will let her go on. I'm going to explain that I'm a romantic guy, with a capacity for love, and I also can be friends with someone. And then try for the lighter friendship.

Also, this does allow me to go for one of the other girls I've liked for a while. See if a spark ignites there. I know the second girl likes roses. And she did help me get through this whole mess.

So again, this CG psion/bard/multiclassed mess thanks you all. Especially Syka. I hope that the next time I return to this thread, it is with advice and not woes.

Syka
2007-05-24, 04:24 PM
Hey Mick, feel free to crush on me. It seems to be the new trend. :smallconfused:

Wow...um, thanks? :) Glad I could help you out. Saying those three words is easy for some, much harder for others. I'm one of the others...and she probably is too. Have you actually talked with her yet? Don't just let go because you think she is unhappy, etc, get the confirmation from her first that things are over.

Glug, just go out and talk with people. When I moved away to school, I ended up becoming friends with someone who actually lives pretty close to where I do back home...all because I asked her, "Hey, is this the right class?"

Go to a bar, a coffee shop (not Starbucks, more like the comfy places that encourage you to linger), and just strike up a conversation. The other suggestions have been good.

Mick_the_Rogue
2007-05-24, 04:28 PM
Oh, Syka I will, if nothing else but because half decomposed zombie foxes really do it for me:smalltongue:

Wow, never thought I'd type that....

Syka's right though, basically just strike up a conversation with people. Trust me, I was painfully shy for a long time, it doesn't get you anywhere. Put yourself out there, maybe you'll get hurt, maybe you won't

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-24, 04:34 PM
When I go home, not so much... Really what I kinda want right nw is a crush, not a real relationship. Just someone to pine over, it would just make my life a bit more interesting rather than simply sitting around and watching the occassional movie with friend.

You want a crush?

You appear to be insane...

Mick_the_Rogue
2007-05-24, 04:39 PM
Thank you for noticing, I'm told it goes well with my eyes

And having a crush is better than having and feeling nothing in that regard, I find myself just being rather bored anymore. Eh whatever, had a break up, perhaps I'm still leery of women at this point

Truthfully, I'm still convinced they all have cooties

Jack Squat
2007-05-24, 04:42 PM
Truthfully, I'm still convinced they all have cooties

of course they do. but I'm going to take one for the team and try to find a cure...I'm going to need plenty of samples of this disease...:smalltongue:

Mick_the_Rogue
2007-05-24, 04:44 PM
Truely, you sir are an altruist in the truest sense. And I want your job:smalltongue:

Syka
2007-05-24, 04:46 PM
Heheh. You know that decaying flesh is so totally hot right now. :smallwink:

There is nothing wrong with being single after a long relationship. After my last one, I had every intention of staying single for a long while. Well, that shows how well my plans worked.

Cheers,
Syka

Mick_the_Rogue
2007-05-24, 05:02 PM
Oh, I know, I'm enjoying it to a certain extent, I'm just becoming slightly bored of it, though I'll get better being able to see friends over the summer giving me something to do. Besides, I'm actually relatively well aware of why I miss being in a relationship, it's because it was comfortable and familiar. Actually going back home will be that as well and make me want it less, which I won't mind at all

So no flesh is the new vogue then?

Totally Guy
2007-05-24, 05:16 PM
You want a crush?

You appear to be insane...

I'm afraid I agree with Mick. I wish I got more crushes. Currently I'm stuck with just the one, and she knows it. She's not interested though, plus she's moving to the South, I'm moving to the North. And she has a horse that she's completely devoted to.

More crushes is good because it's more opportunity.

Not getting any then always questioning the validity of a relationship that was just for the sake of relationship... that's horrible.

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-24, 05:24 PM
Well I'm bitter because I just failed an Exam due to a crush.

Fax Celestis
2007-05-24, 05:40 PM
Well I'm bitter because I just failed an Exam due to a crush.

Wait...unless your crush was the teacher (understandable in quite a few instances), how does that work?

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-24, 05:55 PM
Wait...unless your crush was the teacher (understandable in quite a few instances), how does that work?

I'm just emotionaly frail. I can't keep my head if something emotional is on my mind.

AngelSword
2007-05-24, 07:07 PM
Wait...unless your crush was the teacher (understandable in quite a few instances), how does that work?
While I haven't necessarily been there, I did have a crush on one of my supervisors. That made working out with her really…shall we say, interesting.

Fax Celestis
2007-05-24, 07:12 PM
I'm just emotionaly frail. I can't keep my head if something emotional is on my mind.

Ah. Well, the advice there is fairly obvious.

Daze
2007-05-24, 08:07 PM
Just curious.. does anyone wink anymore? I mean really, not just " ;) " ... but a real lighthearted wink (not the creepy old man kind). I've been bringing it back sorta, its actually worked well for me, usually draws a smile...

Logic
2007-05-24, 09:52 PM
While I haven't necessarily been there, I did have a crush on one of my supervisors. That made working out with her really…shall we say, interesting.

Similar boat here, I think that one of my supervisors may have had a crush on me. She changed bases before I found out for sure.

AngelSword
2007-05-24, 09:57 PM
Similar boat here, I think that one of my supervisors may have had a crush on me. She changed bases before I found out for sure.
Heh, reminds me of an old joke.
"Nothing like saluting the person you slept with the night before."

Ashildr_the_Bard
2007-05-24, 10:08 PM
I guess I'll add my woes to the pile.

I'm pretty sure most people would look at me and think "I bet she has no trouble at all getting a boyfriend", and they'd be wrong. The problem I think is that all the guys who are interested me are the annoying, jocky, dumb type and all the guys I'm interested in are not interested in me or are too scared to ask me out. For instance, there was this guy at summer camp last year that I really liked, but every time I would try to talk to him he would just kind of freeze up and make an excuse to leave. So I stopped trying because I thought he didn't like me. Then when we got back home, a friend that I had made at camp told me by e-mail that he had told her that he did like me, he was just sure I was "out of his league". Whatever that means. Stuff like this has happened more than once, and it's insane!

Actually, the only guys I know who are obviously interested in me that I would actually ever consider dating are a couple guys in my gaming group who I can't date because (1) I've known them since we were 2 and their like my brothers, and (2) it would kind of make things awkward with our other friends in the group and what if we broke up? I would just be losing best friends either way.

So, I need some advice from guys. What constitutes "out of your league"? What would it take for you to date a girl like that?

Well, I'm a girl, but I advise you just club them over the head and drag them back home with you. Works for me. :smallbiggrin:

Fax Celestis
2007-05-24, 10:10 PM
Well, I'm a girl, but I advise you just club them over the head and drag them back home with you. Works for me. :smallbiggrin:

Ah, Cavewoman-Style. Yeah, a lot of guys go for that sort of thing. Couldn't tell you why.

ocato
2007-05-24, 10:14 PM
I believe it is because forward women Frighten and excite most young men. And frighten, did I mention frighten? That one goes twice.

Fax Celestis
2007-05-24, 10:42 PM
I believe it is because forward women Frighten and excite most young men. And frighten, did I mention frighten? That one goes twice.

Actually, you said it three times, so I think it goes triple.

ocato
2007-05-24, 10:44 PM
The important thing is that it goes a lot. Like, a lot. You know how some things go without saying? This goes without saying, then it's said by a terrible chorus of inescapable fates. These fates are both female and forward, just to drive the point home for anyone who wasn't really paying attention.

Fax Celestis
2007-05-24, 10:59 PM
..."the flames are also on fire"?

AngelSword
2007-05-25, 12:43 AM
Alright, here's a new one.

Two friends of mine are having marital issues. He's very unresponsive to her, and she doesn't like it. He hasn't come to me about anything, so anything I've done to help them has been through conversations with her.

While I can offer her advice all day long, I think talking to him would be more beneficial. But to do so, at least as it appears to me, could possibly put a crimp on their relationship, as well as my relationship to the both of them. I would feel as though I was intruding on problems in which I have no real business.

However, I fear that if things degrade to the point of divorce, I'll be forced to choose sides. Now, I've known him for almost as long as I was at Gunter, but I've really grown to value the conversations she and I have had.

I realize there's no real advice to be given, and that is my woe.

averagejoe
2007-05-25, 01:04 AM
Well, first, don't choose sides. No matter what. If it comes to that, just use some variant of, "I have no answer, I'm not going to be in the middle of this." Don't pass messages in between them, don't try to get in the middle of a full on spat, and other such things. I know you care, but this is primarily their problem, and in the end they have to work it out for themselves. If they divorce, there's no reason you should only ever be able to see one of them again; it stops being the other partner's business once the divorce is finalised. Probably before that.

I don't know about how to aproach the husband, if that's what you want to do. It depends on who it is. There are some people with whom I would start the conversation with, "So, I've been talking to your wife..." some people with whom I would start, "How are things going at home? Your wife okay?" and some with whom I would be much more subtle.

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-25, 03:46 AM
None of the teachers in my school are worth getting a crush over.

Hoggy
2007-05-25, 06:51 AM
My english teacher is totally hot. I still need to kill her bf.

Fax Celestis
2007-05-25, 09:35 AM
My english teacher is totally hot. I still need to kill her bf.

pixplzkthxbai

jkdjr25
2007-05-25, 10:00 AM
I believe it is because forward women Frighten and excite most young men. And frighten, did I mention frighten? That one goes twice.

Actually I kinda like forwardness in women. Being on the shy side myself the two kinda balance out on some level.

Hefty Lefty
2007-05-25, 10:10 AM
Yeah, there are a lot of times when guys are too afraid to take the lead. ChiX0r, you don't have to go up to the guy you like and express your undying love or anything, just invite him to the movies or whatever (not one-on-one, the guy you're describing would probably shy out of that), but make sure you two are sitting together. Ask (in pirvate) his friends who go with you if he likes you, and if so, well, take command. Put your hand on his, and it'll work from there. He'll probably be really awkward about it, but that seems to be the kind of guy you want.:smallwink:

By the way, I don't know, like, your age or anything, so this is the high school dating approach. This might be too immature of advice, but it's what I'd do, er, what I'd want.

Vacerious
2007-05-25, 10:17 AM
I realize that it's too late for any actual advice, so I post this in tribute to 4chan:Comrade Gorby: Inappropriate image replaced.
http://www.gorbashkazdar.com/do%20not%20want.jpg

Cheers,
Vacerious

Hoggy
2007-05-25, 10:28 AM
...

. . .

. . .

lol.

Anyway, moving swiftly on:


pixplzkthxbai

Ask, and you shall receive.

http://img161.imageshack.us/img161/6277/pervmh4.png

magicwalker
2007-05-25, 10:38 AM
Okay, I have one for the gurus.


My first quarter at college I met this girl (I'll call her M), who I thought would be entirely out of my reach. She seemed too pretty and aloof at the time, but over the course of the year we became friends and I started realizing how wrong I was.

During a point in our friendship, she was had started going out with this guy and I had entered my first 'serious' relationship. At a low point in my relationship, I had viral bronchitis and a serious sinus infection. We had to spend a lot of time apart and it became increasing clear that I wasn't going to be able to be what she ned. So she ended it.

I was pretty emotionally distraught, my first relationship and I felt like it was my fault that she broke up with me.

I started to open up to M, and she helped me get over and through my break up. Right about the same time I was starting to get normal again, her relationship fell on hard times and she ended up breaking up with her boyfriend. She didn't seem particularly hung up on it.

We started spending a bit more time together. She lived in a nasty part of the neighborhood, so when she stayed over late I would walk her home. One day on the way to class, I gave her a parting hug -and she lingered. She said something to the effect that 'she really doesn't want to play any games'. We talked about it later, and she told me that she could see herself with me. Later I was walking with her towards class and on a parting hug, she thought I was going in for a kiss and reprimanded me before apologizing. [I wasn't honest].

So I invited her over to my place for dinner, and my roommate and I made curry. We sat close together on the futon and watched a movie together, and held hands under the blanket. It was getting late, so I went to walk her home. It was cold, so I walked with an arm around her.

When we got to her place, she invited me inside. And things quickly started to get going a little too fast for me. She wanted to have sex, I didn't since I was just coming off of a relationship where we got physical awfully fast. I figured that I would try to pace myself for a longer relationship.

I ended up falling asleep after kissing and holding her for hours, I had a midterm in less than 7 hours and I really didn't care.

Over the next couple of days, we were both really busy. I was trying to get another occasion to spend time with her, but that weekend she had a really bad incident with her parents at home. And that ended up running into the middle of the next week.

The next opportunity that we had to sit down and talk, she told me that there was this other guy that she has been involved with before, and it would be her last time to try and make something of the relationship...

But she told me that "..it probably won't last the summer."

So I guess my questions are:

What the Hell did she mean by that??

She admitted to me that she had strong feelings for me, but she decides to go back for a summer fling... that just makes no sense to me.

Did I hurt her feelings when I said no? .

But I guess the biggest question is...

Should I wait for her?

Hoggy
2007-05-25, 11:01 AM
If you like her enough? Yes, I suppose.

The again, judging by the number of girls who have broken up with me, perhaps I'm not so good at this. But I guess I can try.

Vampiric
2007-05-25, 12:13 PM
Magicwalker: It is possible that you hurt her feelings when you said no, but she needs to realise 2 things, 1) its your call with your body and 2)it sounds like you want a proper relationship, not a purely physical one. Let her know how you feel about the relationship. Whether or not you should wait? That is down to you, but I personally would make the answer to the above a major consideration in your decision.

I can't really judge the 'summer fling' bit without knowing her, but it sounds like (with the info you provided) that she likes to have a physical relationship, or maybe she's trying to get you to make a move (I'm told that ladies sometimes do that sort of thing. It really amazes me how much each sex knows so little about the other...)

Erm... I think that's it. I'd say trust your instincts, cos they're there for a reason, and make sure you are clear with how you want the relationship to pan out. If you do want to end up in the serious end (not explicit because of an incident further up this thread...) of a relationship with her, then tell her, but say that you want to get there in time, rather than rush it.

Syka
2007-05-25, 12:24 PM
Could be that right now she isn't interested in a relationship and just wants the physical aspects. She may see you as a more long term thing, and just wants this summer fling in order to get it through this bit of time between her last relationship and whenever she is ready for a new one.

I could also be completely wrong. I know after I got out of my last (and first relationship), I was really not ready for another one. And, honestly, it is nice to have some of the physical aspects of a relationship without the committment (I'm dating a guy, but we aren't 'serious' per se).

Explain how you feel to her...That your last relationship moved way to fast so you want to procede with a bit more caution. Hopefully she'll understand. If she doesn't, than she isn't worth your time.

Cheers,
Syka

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-25, 06:36 PM
What the Hell did she mean by that??

She admitted to me that she had strong feelings for me, but she decides to go back for a summer fling... that just makes no sense to me.

Maybe she was trying not to hurt you.

Or more likely she doesn't know either. Just because she's being mysterious doesn't meant there's a mystery to solve. She may just be hiding her indecisiveness.

I wouldn't rule out that she doesn't like you though.


Did I hurt her feelings when I said no? .

Probably. You might have got some respect in the long run though.


Should I wait for her?

I would suggest not. It's pointless to get hung up on someone like that. For all you know you might meet someone and then, to be harsh, you won't need her (in that way).

Wonton
2007-05-25, 10:36 PM
Hey cool...
There are people here who have the exact same story to tell as me...
Yeah... that's about it.. i DO have relationship woes, but, w/e... I've dealt with it so far, I'll keep dealing with it. And I seem to be younger than most people here, too...

Cheers for starting a good thread, by the way. :smallbiggrin:

chiX0r
2007-05-26, 12:25 AM
I kind of like the clubbing over the head idea. :smallsmile:

But I guess that all makes sense with being the first one to say "Hey I like you." Now I just have to find someone to try it on.

"Would you like a cup of coffee? Yes, I like my coffee like I like my men...in a plastic cup."

averagejoe
2007-05-26, 12:47 AM
"Would you like a cup of coffee? Yes, I like my coffee like I like my men...

...Ground up and in the freezer. :smallbiggrin:

Last_resort_33
2007-05-26, 01:26 AM
Magicwalker. The other option if of course for you to go out with her and let her have sex with him.... then you're all happy and there won't be ANY problems AT ALL!:smalltongue:

Possibilities about what she meant are. "I have a sex drive that would make aphrodite look chaste" or "I feel like I have a moral obligation to make this work" or "my parents have said 'What happened to that nice boy you were going out with?'" I'm not sure there. You might have to ask her.

Whether she was hurt by you saying no might depend on what you actually said, if you just said "I don't want to right now", she didn't hear that, she heard either "I have erectile problems that I don't wish you to know of just yet" or "You have the sex appeal of a bag of rotting fish"

Hmmm. you don't have an age on your profile, that usually helps me make decisions.

I'd say.... I'd say.... hmmm.... ok, Don't wait for her, but leave her an open door. If you meet someone else in the mean time, then fantastic. If you don't, and it "doesn't last the summer" then see what can happen. Maybe then you will have overcome some of your fears from your other previous relationship, and feel more able to "get jiggy"

More info please.

Note to self: Never use the phrase "get jiggy" ever again!

Thrawn183
2007-05-26, 11:05 AM
Someone 8-10 pages earlier asked for general dating advice. So here's a smidgen of what I think. One of the most important things I can say is this: look in a mirror, can you objectively say that you like what you see there? (and I don't just mean physically.) I'm the polar opposite of my gaming friends. I listen to them talk about wanting to attract women, but they aren't actually doing anything along that goal. You have to MAKE yourself an interesting person. No one is born knowing how to dance, you have to learn. Having a "great body" doesn't just happen, it takes a lot of time and effort at a gym (resisting the urge for chocolate and ice cream). You can't tell interesting stories if you never go out and do something interesting.
Sub-note: Not many people want to be around someone who isn't happy and you won't be happy if you don't like who you are. So take a peek tomorrow morning and maybe try setting some self-improvement goals for yourself. Once you start seeing real progress you'll feel a lot better about yourself.

The best ways of getting confidence that I know of are: practice and general self-esteem. The more you talk to members of the opposite sex (or whoever you might be interested in) the more things you learn to avoid/bring up. Also, there is a difference between honest stupid (paladin joke, just incase it isn't obvious) and putting your best foot forward. I know a lot of guys who say, "if she won't accept me as I am, she isn't worth it" well that's garbage says I. Maybe she's looking to see you put in the effort to show that you really care.

Finally this: I hear a lot of people here saying, "I'm a good guy, I don't know why I don't get any women." At a certain point realise that there is nothing you can do to change women in general. All you can do is try to be the best you reasonably can. After all, everyone has room for improvement.

Oh, and if anyone would like advice from me, ask on the forum or shoot me a pm if its too personal. I like giving advice! :smallcool:

ocato
2007-05-26, 11:08 AM
"Would you like a cup of coffee? Yes, I like my coffee like I like my men...

...Ground up and in the freezer. :smallbiggrin:

or if you're an Eddy Izzard fan, Covered in Bees!

Thrawn183
2007-05-26, 11:10 AM
or if you're an Eddy Izzard fan, Covered in Bees!

I like Eddy Izzard but I haven't heard that one. Though I could see him saying something along the lines of: "How can you have a relationship if you don't have a flag!?"

ocato
2007-05-26, 11:14 AM
It's from Glorious, he was talking about jobs you have to aspire to, not just fall into, like Bee keeper. Instead of quoting the entire sketch, allow me to find it on the youtube for you.

Keep Bees (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs-tl6GBOBo)

Nerzi
2007-05-26, 11:54 AM
Having a "great body" doesn't just happen, it takes a lot of time and effort at a gym (resisting the urge for chocolate and ice cream).

Guess I'm a lucky exception to that rule. :smallwink:
I do think it is easier for girls to have what is percieved to be an 'atractive body' with much less effort though.

Hmmm no real woes to report here, or anything to ask for advice on...

Last_resort_33
2007-05-26, 12:08 PM
Guess I'm a lucky exception to that rule. :smallwink:
I do think it is easier for girls to have what is percieved to be an 'atractive body' with much less effort though.

Hmmm no real woes to report here, or anything to ask for advice on...

By men, yes. What I can't understand is that women will constantly bitch about each other's appearance, make each other fee self consious and "ugly" and "have" to constanly work on their appearance. Guys on the other hand probably do. I'm not always the best one for it, I must admit, I DO eat the chocolate and I probably did in fact eat all the pies. I have OK days and I can't be arsed days. If I go out to a "do" then I am more vain than any woman you could meet.

I must admit, I am boring. But what I have been told (I don't know if it's true or not) but I often have a way (probably not in my writing as you can tell) a bizzarre method of making the mundane actually interesting to listen to. I know professional storytellers who can do this brilliantly. If you're not an interesting person, you need to be born with this skill of at least having an interesting imagination.

Edit: What te hell am I talking about, I just sat down and started typing rubbish for no reason, I probably now seem mad and self centred, I'm sorry.

Dib
2007-05-26, 01:51 PM
hmm... well I asked her out... n she said no... she says she likes someone else... admittedly I am glum... but not as down as I thought I'd be... anyway, we had a very 'unusual' conversation after that... about how I broke with my ex... cos she didn't know I was single... and why I liked her... which was interesting and helpful... then I kinda asked her if she's ever liked me that way... and she didn't reply... she may have just logged off, but I dont know... was that question a bad move on my part?

Dib
2007-05-27, 07:48 AM
It depends why you're unhappy really... any idea what it might be? Maybe that'd help us help you...

averagejoe
2007-05-27, 12:52 PM
I'm not happy, what do I do?

Something about it.

No, seriously, being active is a great way to relieve unhappiness.

Fax Celestis
2007-05-27, 01:09 PM
I kind of like the clubbing over the head idea. :smallsmile:

But I guess that all makes sense with being the first one to say "Hey I like you." Now I just have to find someone to try it on.

"Would you like a cup of coffee? Yes, I like my coffee like I like my men...in a plastic cup."

I like my women like I like my coffee: hot, dark, and in my lap.

Totally Guy
2007-05-27, 03:51 PM
I like my women like I like my coffee: hot, dark, and in my lap.

I'm waiting for the girl who likes her coffee weak and white.

Kraggi
2007-05-27, 03:54 PM
I like my women like I like my coffee....COVERED IN BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

Flakey
2007-05-27, 07:15 PM
What the Hell did she mean by that??

She admitted to me that she had strong feelings for me, but she decides to go back for a summer fling... that just makes no sense to me.

Did I hurt her feelings when I said no? .

But I guess the biggest question is...

Should I wait for her?


I think you need another talk with the lady, apologising and explaining why you said no. Also inquire as to WHY shes going to try to get that relationship work, when she has those feelings for you. Also explain how uneasy the whole situation is about that other relationship is to you.

As to waiting. If that talk does not reveal anything new, you have two problems to consider :-

1). What happens if it does work? (Not probably likely given the way shes talking but you never know).

2). Can you live with the fact afterwards? Thats the hardest part of all this. In that (putting it very crudely) she is saying I want to be with you, but during this summer I am going to screw this other guy first. Can you accept that part and move on, or is it going to slowly eat away at you after the summer is over. No one can answer that question but you.

Yiel
2007-05-28, 01:41 AM
I like my men like I like my coffee... dark & bitter. :smallbiggrin:


Along those lines, I am one of those people who usually starts of relationships by shooting themselves in the foot then hopping on it just to see if the pain was real. :smallsigh:

My current relationship, though it had a very rocky start, has been smooth sailing for the last two years. Now that my partner and I are starting to talk about getting married one day, he wants to be able to cheat with my knowledge before we tie the knot ... :smalleek:

My response was silent and I still don't know what to say. Any advice?

EDIT: edited to try and make the issue as PG-13 as possible.

dogmac
2007-05-28, 04:04 AM
Yiel say "No. If you want a future with me, it starts now, not after we get the piece of paper and the ring"


I'm completely blah. My ex-boyfriend (broke up 10 days ago, decided that the being friends thing was too hard on Thursday) is now in a psych hospital on suicide watch. It could have happened anyway, he's bipolar, but I can't help but think .. well, it isn't my fault, I'm very proud of him for checking himself in, and all that, but...

Why do I like such fragile men, is the question.

Blah

Di

Glaivemaster
2007-05-28, 04:12 AM
I like my women nothing like I like my coffee. Wait, I don't even like coffee :smallannoyed:

@ Yiel: For this - is cheating actual cheating (like, you don't want it to happen), or does he just want an 'open relationship' where he can be with you, but do whoever he likes. Of course, if you have a problem with either, just tell him no, but the former is a worse case than the latter

@dogmac: We like who we like, can't help it. Sorry

Yiel
2007-05-28, 04:37 AM
@ Yiel: For this - is cheating actual cheating (like, you don't want it to happen), or does he just want an 'open relationship' where he can be with you, but do whoever he likes. Of course, if you have a problem with either, just tell him no, but the former is a worse case than the latter.

To put it plainly, he wants permission to be involved with other women before we marry. Including a mutual friend. (This isn't an abstinence issue on either side). I love him though and would feel cheated on as any permission I gave would not be wholehearted. Also, a part of me is terrified he will leave to be with the aforementioned mutual friend should I not grant him this boon. :smalleek:

Dib
2007-05-28, 04:42 AM
I'm almost definately just being superstitious (I know thats not the right word... but I cant think of the right word) about this... but I got an E-mail from my friend... not just a friend, but the older sister of the girl I just asked out a few nights ago... which means its an e-mail from my best mates gf... seems fine so far right? Sure it is... then all of a sudden she's telling me about this dream she has and how I saved her life in it!! And then she says she thinks all dreams have a meaning!! WHAT THE HELL!!!??!?!?!? :smalleek: Is she trying to say something or amI just reading too deep?

We've known each other for like 5 years... which is 4 years longer then we've known my best mate... She's admitted to fancying me before... and I've admitted to fancying her... though not at the same time... and I'm so confused!!!

EDIT: shes also mentioned on several occasions that she has a thing for Aquarias and Blue Eyes... of which I have both... and she said this to my face!!

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-28, 04:50 AM
I like my women like I like my coffee. Safely away from me and in a box.

Vampiric
2007-05-28, 05:03 AM
I'm almost definately just being superstitious (I know thats not the right word... but I cant think of the right word) about this... but I got an E-mail from my friend... not just a friend, but the older sister of the girl I just asked out a few nights ago... which means its an e-mail from my best mates gf... seems fine so far right? Sure it is... then all of a sudden she's telling me about this dream she has and how I saved her life in it!! And then she says she thinks all dreams have a meaning!! WHAT THE HELL!!!??!?!?!? :smalleek: Is she trying to say something or amI just reading too deep?

We've known each other for like 5 years... which is 4 years longer then we've known my best mate... She's admitted to fancying me before... and I've admitted to fancying her... though not at the same time... and I'm so confused!!!

EDIT: shes also mentioned on several occasions that she has a thing for Aquarias and Blue Eyes... of which I have both... and she said this to my face!!

I think the outcome of this depends on your view. Do you fancy her now? Would going out with her right now be a bad thing?

If answer to 1) is 'yes', and 2) is 'no' = SCORE!
If either answer is an opposite, then say something along the lines of you're flattered by the attention, but you don't want a relationship (with her?) at the moment.

I could just be me, but I think that you shouldn't take the whole 'interpreting dreams' thing too seriously. The content of a dream is inconsequencial (I know that Freud probably disagrees with me on this... but hey.). If she wants to go out with you, then it needs to be because you both want to. Don't get hung up on the dream thing. It could just be her way of being subtle...

(Also, just for clarification, after re-reading your post, it seems you said she already has a bf..?)

Glaivemaster
2007-05-28, 05:03 AM
Yiel: If you're not comfortable with it, say no. I'm sure he'll understand

Dib: The word you're looking for might be paranoid? Maybe not? That's the word I use a lot. If she's still involved with your best friend, though, I'd be careful, even if you have both admitted to liking each other before. She's in a relationship, and she has to be done with that before you can do anything with her, really

Closet_Skeleton
2007-05-28, 05:12 AM
I could just be me, but I think that you shouldn't take the whole 'interpreting dreams' thing too seriously. The content of a dream is inconsequencial (I know that Freud probably disagrees with me on this... but hey.). If she wants to go out with you, then it needs to be because you both want to. Don't get hung up on the dream thing. It could just be her way of being subtle...

Speaking of Freud I had a dream about the girl I liked where she was motherly...

Well, if you want to choose a woman who'll bring up good kids maybe an Oedipus complex through surrogacy isn't that bad...

LCR
2007-05-28, 05:20 AM
Speaking of Freud I had a dream about the girl I liked where she was motherly...

Well, if you want to choose a woman who'll bring up good kids maybe an Oedipus complex through surrogacy isn't that bad...

Freud's an idiot. No, really. Oedipus complex? You can't explain everything with Ich, Über-Ich, Es and drive for sexuality. Besides, Freud took Cocaine on a regular basis.

Zeb The Troll
2007-05-28, 05:28 AM
Ich, Über-Ich, EsI presume that's supposed to be the Ego, SuperEgo, and Id, for us English speakers?

Last_resort_33
2007-05-28, 05:38 AM
Yiel: Don't get too mad at him for asking, but if it bothers you, say "no" (also say that if you find out that he does it anyway, then he'll be walking down the isle a eunuch)

Bounty hunter: I don't know enough of the details, but it seemed like she was beating you with one of these:
http://pedrick.franks.org.uk/pics/hintbat.jpg

Do NOT let her cheat. If she dumps your friend, then it will be hard on you... if she cheats on your friend, things are gunna get really REALLY ugly.

dogmac
2007-05-28, 05:45 AM
Yiel, this is what is called "having his cake and wanting it too"

If he runs off with this mutual friend because you say no, then he isn't worth you. And she is no friend.

It's also pretty arrogant and presumptious of him to assume she would want to sleep with him. If she is any sort of friend, she would be er... hurting him in that delicate place rather than sleep with him.

Get as angry as you like. And tell him no, no way, not on, not a chance.

Di

Last_resort_33
2007-05-28, 05:57 AM
Ummm yeah.... or that.

Dib
2007-05-28, 06:25 AM
I think the outcome of this depends on your view. Do you fancy her now? Would going out with her right now be a bad thing?

If answer to 1) is 'yes', and 2) is 'no' = SCORE!
If either answer is an opposite, then say something along the lines of you're flattered by the attention, but you don't want a relationship (with her?) at the moment.

I could just be me, but I think that you shouldn't take the whole 'interpreting dreams' thing too seriously. The content of a dream is inconsequencial (I know that Freud probably disagrees with me on this... but hey.). If she wants to go out with you, then it needs to be because you both want to. Don't get hung up on the dream thing. It could just be her way of being subtle...

(Also, just for clarification, after re-reading your post, it seems you said she already has a bf..?)

1) yes… 2) maybe

Yes… and like I said… her boyfriend is my best friend… but the reason I only said maybe rather than yes (which was my original answer) is because he is known to make people hate him… out of all the people he knows there are only about 5 or so that actually like him (they all say it and he knows it) and I’m the only one he’s not on uneven ground with… so you know, its hard to say with him…


Dib: The word you're looking for might be paranoid? Maybe not? That's the word I use a lot. If she's still involved with your best friend, though, I'd be careful, even if you have both admitted to liking each other before. She's in a relationship, and she has to be done with that before you can do anything with her, really

No… not paranoid… it has a similar meaning, but I;m pretty sure it starts with S…

Yeah, that’s why I don’t want to do anything… or anything… cos they’re still together… and even if they broke up it might still be a little awkward…


Bounty hunter: I don't know enough of the details, but it seemed like she was beating you with one of these:
http://pedrick.franks.org.uk/pics/hintbat.jpg

Do NOT let her cheat. If she dumps your friend, then it will be hard on you... if she cheats on your friend, things are gunna get really REALLY ugly.

Yes… that is an awesome pic… grr…

Believe me, I will not do anything with her… not even bring up the subject of ‘I like her’ or ‘do you like me’ when she’s still with him… and she wouldn’t cheat anyway… she’s not like that *coughanymorecough*

Also… is it weird that me and her pretend that I got her pregnant and we spend time thinking of baby names? Also she likes to play with my hair a lot… she’ll just sit or stand behind me and comb it and put it in a ponytail or braid it and stuff… apart from her boyfriend, I’m the only person she does this too… and there’s quite a few people she could do it to…

Ranis
2007-05-28, 06:30 AM
Freud's an idiot. No, really. Oedipus complex? You can't explain everything with Ich, Über-Ich, Es and drive for sexuality. Besides, Freud took Cocaine on a regular basis.

(I just want to make it clear that none of Freud's work has been proven one way or the other. And lots of people took cocaine on a regular basis back then.)

Last_resort_33
2007-05-28, 06:43 AM
1) yes… 2) maybe

Yes… and like I said… her boyfriend is my best friend… but the reason I only said maybe rather than yes (which was my original answer) is because he is known to make people hate him… out of all the people he knows there are only about 5 or so that actually like him (they all say it and he knows it) and I’m the only one he’s not on uneven ground with… so you know, its hard to say with him…


Well I might summise that he's not an easy person to get on with... maybe she's not getting on so well with him.



No… not paranoid… it has a similar meaning, but I;m pretty sure it starts with S…

Stupid? (just kidding)


Yeah, that’s why I don’t want to do anything… or anything… cos they’re still together… and even if they broke up it might Would still be a little Very awkward…
Edited. The question is: Would she be worth it? (that is meant to be an unbiased question there)

Believe me, I will not do anything with her… not even bring up the subject of ‘I like her’ or ‘do you like me’ when she’s still with him…
:smallconfused: Maybe you should.

and she wouldn’t cheat anyway… she’s not like that *coughanymorecough*
Don't count on it, old habits die hard. But still, as you know, don't do it

Also… is it weird that me and her pretend that I got her pregnant and we spend time thinking of baby names? Also she likes to play with my hair a lot… she’ll just sit or stand behind me and comb it and put it in a ponytail or braid it and stuff… apart from her boyfriend, I’m the only person she does this to… and there’s quite a few people she could do it to…

This probably means something... but not definitely. This could indicate that she sees you as a "female" friend. Mind you, judging by the other things you have said, I would guess not.

Dib
2007-05-28, 06:51 AM
Well I might summise that he's not an easy person to get on with... maybe she's not getting on so well with him..

Oh no… he’s easy to get on with… he just does really outrageously stupid things…


Stupid? (just kidding).

Yes.. Haha…


Edited. The question is: Would she be worth it? (that is meant to be an unbiased question there) .

Hard to say… she is amazing… so, it might be worth losing him as a friend… even though that’s a really bad thought… but he gets depressed and cuts himself really easily… so its difficult…


:smallconfused: Maybe you should. .

Really? I’m not sure that would go down well with him… he doesn’t like it when people talk to her for too long… if we talk about something like that and he somehow finds out… eesh…


Don't count on it, old habits die hard. But still, as you know, don't do it .

I won’t… im smarter than that…


This probably means something... but not definitely. This could indicate that she sees you as a "female" friend. Mind you, judging by the other things you have said, I would guess not.

God dammit!! You’re the second person in a week to hint that I have feminine qualities!!

Last_resort_33
2007-05-28, 07:01 AM
she is amazing… so, it might be worth losing him as a friend… even though that’s a really bad thought… but he gets depressed and cuts himself really easily… so its difficult…
Cutting is a different issue alltogether. As far as I'm concerned it is his issue. If he shows you his cuts and says "look what you made me do" then it is his problem, not yours. He should not be able to guilt you into not living your life and not letting this girl live her life.

Really? I’m not sure that would go down well with him… he doesn’t like it when people talk to her for too long… if we talk about something like that and he somehow finds out… eesh…
I don't know what to say here other that that I can understand why she wanted you to save her from a burning building. Maybe all dreams DO mean something.

I won’t… im smarter than that…
Good man

God dammit!! You’re the second person in a week to hint that I have feminine qualities!!

You've got lipstick on your teeth.

dogmac
2007-05-28, 07:26 AM
If he is cutting himself to make YOU feel guilty, then it is called emotional blackmail and it is not a nice thing. He is trying to control you, rather than take responsibility for himself.

There are many reasons for self harming (I know, I'm one), but that is without doubt the nastiest.

Really, though, at the moment, the ball isn't in your court. You need to make it clear to this girl that she has to break up with him first, and have a bit of a break before you would be even remotely interested. You don't want to be her rebound, and you CERTAINLY don't want to be the other bloke. That makes you in the wrong no matter how much you care about her.

Cheers

Di

Dib
2007-05-28, 07:38 AM
Cutting is a different issue alltogether. As far as I'm concerned it is his issue. If he shows you his cuts and says "look what you made me do" then it is his problem, not yours. He should not be able to guilt you into not living your life and not letting this girl live her life. .

Dear god… when you said "look what you made me do" I actually heard his voice saying it… :eek: creepy… n cheers


I don't know what to say here other that that I can understand why she wanted you to save her from a burning building. Maybe all dreams DO mean something.

Wait… are you trying to say that she wants me to save her from the relationship… or from a burning building?


Good man.

yes


You've got lipstick on your teeth.

I have never worn lipstick!!!! Well maybe once… BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT!!!


Really, though, at the moment, the ball isn't in your court. You need to make it clear to this girl that she has to break up with him first, and have a bit of a break before you would be even remotely interested. You don't want to be her rebound, and you CERTAINLY don't want to be the other bloke. That makes you in the wrong no matter how much you care about her.

What do you mean by 'be the other bloke'?

I miss that sweet-ass ball of mine...

Last_resort_33
2007-05-28, 07:47 AM
Dear god… when you said "look what you made me do" I actually heard his voice saying it… :eek: creepy… n cheers
See what I'm saying?

Wait… are you trying to say that she wants me to save her from the relationship… or from a burning building?
That was a joke, yeah? (in case it wasn't, I meant relationship)

What do you mean by 'be the other bloke'?
The "other woman/man" is the person that someone is cheating on their partner with.

I miss that sweet-ass ball of mine...
eh?

dogmac
2007-05-28, 07:48 AM
The other bloke:

It's pretty simple. She's already got a boyfriend. Until she breaks up with him, she isn't available, and if you go out with her, you're a relationship killer. The other woman, the other bloke, you know....

Plus, you'd never trust her whilst you were in a relationship with her, knowing that she cheated on him with you.

She has to break up with him first before you can even think of going out with her.

dogmac
2007-05-28, 08:03 AM
And, er... I'm going to get all stern now.

If you go out with your best mates girlfriend, in fact ANY persons girlfriend, knowing they are involved, you are scum. It's got nothing to do with how wonderful she is, or how bad he is for her, or how much a come on she gives you, it is a scummy scummy act, pure and simple.

No other person is worth your self respect.

Ranis
2007-05-28, 08:09 AM
Definitely, dogmac.

Butting in on another relationship isn't the kind of person that you want to be. Period. If you're worth it to her, she'll dump the other guy first. If she tries to cheat on him with you, don't let her do anything. Because that's not the kind of person you want to associate yourself with.