Relationship Woes and Advice

[Ranis]

Thanks for the encouragement, guys.

@Nerzi: If she would have given excuses, I wouldn't have minded. But..they didn't happen. So it really ticked me off.

[Syka]

Nerzi- you didn't stand up, you called to let them know you wouldn't be able to come. And it is someone you are in an established relationship who knows about your exams, etc. There is a difference between that and the person having to call you to only then find out that the plans have been canceled.

As for searching...Same thing with me. The moment I stopped worrying, I fell into relationships. The first time around, it was just some random guy I met at a dance for my Latin competition (ancient language, not the dance style) who I ended up with for over three years. This time around it was some random guy from my math class who I had been completely oblivious to his flirting. I think I need to be hit with the clue hammer a few times to pick up on people liking me....>>' It took me until March to realize that what he had been doing in Sep/Oct had been flirting.

Yay for not looking. I think the reason why it seems to work for so many people is that you are no longered as concerned with being 'perfect' to attract someone. You are able to take an interest in those things that you honestly enjoy, hang out with friends, and pamper yourself...All of which will serve to help you meet someone. Circular logic, eh?

Cheers,
Syka

[Dib]

*blood shot eyes*

well... it was the party last night... and what do you know... she actually ISN'T going out with him... she lied... why? :smallconfused:

[Midnight Son]

*blood shot eyes*

well... it was the party last night... and what do you know... she actually ISN'T going out with him... she lied... why? :smallconfused:This may sound harsh, but the answer to that question is, "Because she doesn't want to date you."

On a completely unrelated note; Women, if you don't want to date someone, tell them so. We are men. Most of us can handle rejection, and those who can't need to learn how to anyway.

[Nerzi]

Thanks for the encouragement, guys.

@Nerzi: If she would have given excuses, I wouldn't have minded. But..they didn't happen. So it really ticked me off.

I wasn't attempting to justify her standing you up. If you aren't going to turn up you should always give a reason, hell if you're even going to be late you should phone/text to apologise and explain (something my lovely boyfriend always forgets, next time he leaves me waiting on my own in a bar for quarter of an hour I'm walking home). It was merely me admiting to not being the best of girlfriends myself. I certainly wouldn't back out of meeting up with someone four times in a week, especially in the begining of a relationship, it's so rude you're asking to get dumped by doing that really.

[Ranis]

I wasn't attempting to justify her standing you up.

Oh, I didn't think you were. I was merely explaining more about what happened.

It was quite rude. She said she'd make room in her busy schedule for me, then flat out didn't and had me waiting around at our meeting place for 20-30 minutes at a time, and, when she knew I wasn't working on certain days, they would send her home early (within 30 minutes of arriving) and instead of calling me to hang out to make up for the times that she flat-out ignored me, she went to hang out with her friends. So, whatever. I deserve better than that.

[Vampiric]

This may sound harsh, but the answer to that question is, "Because she doesn't want to date you."

On a completely unrelated note; Women, if you don't want to date someone, tell them so. We are men. Most of us can handle rejection, and those who can't need to learn how to anyway.

QFT - we'd rather have it straight.

And it is possible that she is just doing it because she doesn't want attention from anybody, rather than just you, so don't take it too personally.

[Syka]

Just because you tell a guy straight out, doesn't mean he'll take no for an answer. -_- I had a guy ask a few months back if, hypothetically, I would date him. I said no and gave him my reasons (too different both religiously and politically). He tried convincing me and I didn't let him. Fast forwards a few weeks back and he decides that he must 'officially' tell me. And got the same response as before. Once again, tried convincing and failed miserably. He still keeps trying to wrangle me into dinner or ice cream or movies and stuff.

So on an unrelated note for the guys: If a girl says no and the reasons for that no are STILL there, please don't try again. It only makes us feel worse for turning you down again, and tends to make us more uncomfortable.

Cheers,
Syka

[Thrawn183]

Just because you tell a guy straight out, doesn't mean he'll take no for an answer. -_- I had a guy ask a few months back if, hypothetically, I would date him. I said no and gave him my reasons (too different both religiously and politically). He tried convincing me and I didn't let him. Fast forwards a few weeks back and he decides that he must 'officially' tell me. And got the same response as before. Once again, tried convincing and failed miserably. He still keeps trying to wrangle me into dinner or ice cream or movies and stuff.

So on an unrelated note for the guys: If a girl says no and the reasons for that no are STILL there, please don't try again. It only makes us feel worse for turning you down again, and tends to make us more uncomfortable.

Cheers,
Syka


Disclaimer: I'm not saying this is your fault (he should have gotten the message). But you didn't say that you didn't like HIM. You said there were problems getting in the way so he tried to get around them/convince you they weren't there. That's the whole point of being straightforward and telling someone you don't want them: you avoid nasty situations where you say, "there's a problem making this not work" and imply, it wouldn't work even if those problems went away, but the other person doesn't know that.

Again, he should have picked up on what was going on more quickly... but then again you had a guy hitting on you for how long before you noticed? Some people really mean well but just can't get subtlety to save their lives. Just have a five minute conversation with him that amounts to, "No, I'm not attracted to you, you need to look somewhere else." Instead of trying to protect his feelings, tell him what he really needs to hear: the unvarnished truth.

[Syka]

He asked: Would you date me?

I said: No.

This is a guy who purposefully makes me angry (he knows what he does), has condescended to me and condemned my personal choices based upon his faith. I very specifically told him, "You are a nice guy, but I could not date you." I think I said it 3 times. It wasn't really subtle. I'm getting close to just telling him, "I'll be friends with you but because of what's happened in the past with you pushing buttons, I don't really want to get close."

The only problem there is I know he has been having a not so good time of it lately. I think a few months back he may have been considering a...er...more permenant solution. I had posted something about suicide and all and for any of my friends to talk to someone so they won't do it, because I'd miss them all. He asked if I meant it, I said yes, and he thanked me because he needed to see that. I'm worried if I let him know he has this talent for irritating me and I want to limit my interaction that something bad might happen. :smalleek:

Cheers,
Syka...Who feels bad for entirely no reason...

[Ranis]

Syka, on a completely unrelated note: Thank you for showing me the kind of person that I'm not, in this guy. It's refreshing. Kinda like walking into a cool retail store on a hot summer day. ^_^

[Midnight Son]

Syka, you totally have a point there. Some guys just don't know how to take no for an answer. They need practice. I suggest you get a few friends and just take turns telling him no for a few weeks till he gets comfortable with the idea.:smallwink:

No, some guys are just clueless when it comes to rejection. Thus the reason I added the part about those who can't handle rejection needing to learn.

I was at a nightclub with a friend once and we were chatting up a couple ladies when I felt a tap on my shoulder. So I turn and there's this guy sitting next to me who proceeds to ask me to ask one of the girls to dance with him. I told him to ask her himself. His response? I can't do that. It'll be easier to take any rejection if she says no to you, not me. So I asked her and, of course, she said no. So, yeah, some guys are just clueless.

Edit: ahh, didn't see the permanent solution post. He still needs to learn to hear and understand the word no, but don't take my above suggestion seriously.

[Dib]

cheers... I kinda knew what she did... but I don't know why she did it... would've been easier to just tell me... meh...

anyway, my mate's gf said I looked sexy today :smalleek: I think she's hitting on me again...

oh... and it would appear that I fancy four people... three of which have boyfriends and the other I believe is straight (that one's a boy)... so yeah, I'm screwed...

[tgva8889]

This is a really, really random question, but how do you know when you really love someone?

Like I said, really weird.

I'm not really sure about way too many people, though I'm pretty sure for none of them it's true, I've been in denial about loving anyone so long that it's highly possible I've just passed it by and given up. Sometimes, some amount of emotions seems to come back and slap me in the face, and I have to resort to pushing a pencil point into my leg to get through the 40-minute period without doing something stupid.

So, I was just wondering if anyone had any general emotional things that you might feel. I know how hard it is to describe, to put words to, to even marginally explain, but I would really like to know.

[Ranis]

There was a question like this a few pages back. Try flipping back and reading that.

[Yiel]

cheers... I kinda knew what she did... but I don't know why she did it... would've been easier to just tell me... meh...

anyway, my mate's gf said I looked sexy today :smalleek: I think she's hitting on me again...

oh... and it would appear that I fancy four people... three of which have boyfriends and the other I believe is straight (that one's a boy)... so yeah, I'm screwed...

That sounds like a bit of a mess. :smalleek: A little time and a good friend might be what you need right now. Oh and ice-cream.

[Nerzi]

Depends how good a friend you are with your mates girlfriend as to whether she was hitting on you.
I tell my male friends if they look sexy, regardless of the fact I'm taken and they might be too (depending on who it is) and they tell me if they think I look especially atractive. It's just part of the friendships I have going and there's nothing meant by it at all, flirting's just fun. that's friendly flirting not 'deliberately leading someone on' flirting. Though of course some people do occasionaly end up picking up the wrong signals...

Anyway point is it's impossible for someone who wasn't there and so didn't hear the tone of voice, see her body language and all those things that go along with it to judge if she was genuinely hitting on you just from the words 'she said I looked sexy today'. One of the downsides of the written word, and thus the internet.

[Thrawn183]

OOOooohhh, I can't stand it when people say they flirt without meaning it. I can, at a mental level, almost always tell when someone isn't being serious, but that doesn't mean that subconciously it doesn't affect me. In fact, it really hurts when someone does something like that to me. There basically just toying with me.:smallannoyed:

Edit for clarity's sake: I understand just joking around. I do that all the time myself; I'm talking about real flirting, not just jokin around with friends.

[BlackStaticWolf]

cheers... I kinda knew what she did... but I don't know why she did it... would've been easier to just tell me... meh...

People (not just women) are rarely straightforward about such things. She probably thought she was sparing your feelings.


anyway, my mate's gf said I looked sexy today :smalleek: I think she's hitting on me again...

Like Nerzi said... it's probably just intended to be a harmless compliment.


oh... and it would appear that I fancy four people... three of which have boyfriends and the other I believe is straight (that one's a boy)... so yeah, I'm screwed...

This is gonna sound age-ist, I guess... but you're 16. Your body is basically being flooded with hormones, so you pretty much like anything with two legs. It's perfectly natural, so try not to worry so much about it.

EDIT: Fixed a weird typo caused by me sucking.

[tgva8889]

There was a question like this a few pages back. Try flipping back and reading that.

Was there really? Sorry for wasting your time, then.

[Ranis]

Was there really? Sorry for wasting your time, then.

No no, there was no time-wasting. Just letting you know. ^_^

[Thrawn183]

Was there really? Sorry for wasting your time, then.

Everyone makes mistakes.

As a piece of advice to... well, pretty much everybody, people don't even mind when people make mistakes as long as they learn from them and at least try not to make them again. I've found that it works better when you check in with someone later to show them that you've learned from your mistake/won't do it again because even if you have, they don't know it until they see it.

[Jibar]

Ugh.
Okay, fine fine. I'm posting it. I'm posting it.

So, girl I love. Absolutely amazing.
As per usual with teen romance, we're best friends. It's all so terribly cliche.
So, it's the end of High School. After this we're going on up to different colleges, we won't be seeing each other as much.
So, question is, do I tell her?
Back around Christmas when I was in another of my Deep Depressions, I told her in the hope that getting it off my chest would help cheer me up.
However, I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm over her.
I dunno if she likes me that way. Some people seem to be hinting at it, mentioning "feelings can change" to me.
So... ugh. What do I do?

Happy now? I posted it.

[LCR]

Poor Jibar. Of course, it would never work. She's a girl ... and you're a muffin ...

Seriously, ask her to have coffee with you. Something casual, yet something that hints to your motives (hint+to?? prepositions confuse me!). And then ask her.
Maybe she'll say yes, if not, nothing much has changed.

[Syka]

('To' would work there. 'At' would probably be more appropriate. I know the feeling- prepositions give me the most trouble in Latin and Greek.)

How did she react the first time? That will have a lot to do with how to approach this. If she gave you a very definite negative, I would probably drop it. How was the whole situation approached and such back in December? I've got some experience with this from the girls point of view, so given a bit more information, I may be able to help. PM if you prefer.

Cheers,
Syka

[Dib]

Depends how good a friend you are with your mates girlfriend as to whether she was hitting on you.
I tell my male friends if they look sexy, regardless of the fact I'm taken and they might be too (depending on who it is) and they tell me if they think I look especially atractive. It's just part of the friendships I have going and there's nothing meant by it at all, flirting's just fun. that's friendly flirting not 'deliberately leading someone on' flirting. Though of course some people do occasionaly end up picking up the wrong signals...

Anyway point is it's impossible for someone who wasn't there and so didn't hear the tone of voice, see her body language and all those things that go along with it to judge if she was genuinely hitting on you just from the words 'she said I looked sexy today'. One of the downsides of the written word, and thus the internet.

well, erm... its something I've never heard her say before... too anyone... in the five or so years I've known her... and my other friend who overheard had a panic attack... it was kind of weird...


People (not just women) are rarely straightforward about such things. She probably thought she was sparing your feelings.

but, neh... people confuse me! :smalleek: cheers


This is gonna sound age-ist, I guess... but you're 16. Your body is basically being flooded with hormones, so you pretty much like anything with two legs. It's perfectly natural, so try not to worry so much about it.

:smallannoyed: yes, you are ageist! I want rights for Age people! :smallconfused: I'm gonna stop that now... natural? then why only suddenly now? not before? I've been all hormoney (that so looks like something bad :smalltongue:) for like erm... years... or such... :smallconfused: I see what you mean, but I'm not sure that's it...

cheers guys

[Jibar]

How did she react the first time?

It was very much a... neutral sort of affair.
It can best be described as "I don't have feelings for you right now, so let's just keep going with our lives."
I'm a little worried she attributed the whole affair to my frighteningly obvious depression.
I remember it well. I couldn't stop talking about Loony Tunes.
I will never forgive you Speedy Gonsalez.

[Don Beegles]

This is obviously the place for me to get my little problem off of my chest, so here it goes.

I've had a crush on one of the freshmen from the theatre comapny for a few months now. I originally stayed away because one of my friends had the same feeling, and I knew going for it would cause conflict, which I didn't want because we're the only two guys of our age group still in my scout troop. He hasn't said anything about it for a while, so I assumed he gave up, and what with the summer coming, I thought the opportunity was perfect.

Because there was only a halfday of finals today, one tomorrow, and a banquet Wednesday night where i might see her, I knew that i had to act on any chance I got, so this morning when she walked by the spot where i chill in the morning, I followed her casually to strike up a conversation and maybe ask her. It seemed like it was going well enough; she had broken her shoe and needed tape, so I thought I could take her the video teacher, who probably had duct tape, and was coincidentally down a long, fairly deserted hallway so I could have time to figure out what I was doing.

Unfortunately, she went to another teacher for Scotch tape and then turned towards a group of her friends. Feeling pressured, I blurted: "Hey, Katie I know this is [sic], but I was wondering if you might want to go out, or see a movie or something." She looked at me with a quizzical look that could have implied anything and said "What". Now, I'm not so hot in situations like this, and I was already under pressure so I managed to croak "I'm sorta trying to ask you..." Of course, I'm interrupted midsentence as a bevy of her friends swoop by looking for help (I think I mentioned that she's extremely smart). I didn't hear the question, but I assume it was "Who unified Germany", because all I heard was her answer - "bismarck" - as I broke down and walked in the other direction.

I know it was a bad move, but I couldn't help it, and now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, because her what could have meant one of three things, 1)What, are you crazy? 2)What, is this really true? or even 3)What was that, I didn't hear you. I saw her briefly after school and she made no reference, but she was enswarmed in the same gaggle of Froshes, so that doesn't mean much.

Now I'm stuck with three choices and no idea quite what to do; Do I just assume it was #1 and let the whole thing drop, do I act natural and hope she brings it up, or do I grow a pair again and bite the bullet a second time? I'm not sure, and time's running out. I know there's not enough of the situation here to erally make a judgment, and I don't expect anyone to, but I needed to vent.

[Syka]

Grow a pair again. In this case, you didn't get an answer. It was probably kind of an odd situation for her too. So hopefully you can get it cleared up what is going on. Worst that happens is she turns you down and you both get on with life.

Side note: young teenagers are some of the most annoying age group on the planet, mainly because they tend to travel in herds. Noisy herds. Noisy herd that wreak havoc in retail stores. :smallyuk: *bitter*

Jibar, honestly...Hrm...I might just leave it be, if you think you can handle it. Feelings can change, but has she given you signs that they have? If not, then it may do more harm than good to bring it up again.

Cheers,
Syka

[BlackStaticWolf]

but, neh... people confuse me! cheers

You're not alone... people are confusing.


yes, you are ageist! I want rights for Age people! I'm gonna stop that now... natural? then why only suddenly now? not before? I've been all hormoney (that so looks like something bad ) for like erm... years... or such... I see what you mean, but I'm not sure that's it...

Psh... you whippersnappers have no rights but the right to get off my lawn!

As for why such attraction only arises now... lots of reasons. It could be that before you weren't close enough (mentally) to any of them to actually develop such an attraction. If you've been close to them for a while, it could be that you've just never looked at them that way before now.

You've described all of them as being unavailable for one reason or another... it could be a could old fashioned case of wanting what you can't have because you can't have it.


I know it was a bad move, but I couldn't help it, and now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, because her what could have meant one of three things, 1)What, are you crazy? 2)What, is this really true? or even 3)What was that, I didn't hear you. I saw her briefly after school and she made no reference, but she was enswarmed in the same gaggle of Froshes, so that doesn't mean much.

Now I'm stuck with three choices and no idea quite what to do; Do I just assume it was #1 and let the whole thing drop, do I act natural and hope she brings it up, or do I grow a pair again and bite the bullet a second time? I'm not sure, and time's running out. I know there's not enough of the situation here to erally make a judgment, and I don't expect anyone to, but I needed to vent.

First off... I'm sorry. That kind of situation is embarrassing to the point of physical pain, isn't it? But look on the bright side: based on the situation, I'd wager she probably didn't hear you.

To be short: grow a pair and ask again. If you can't get her alone and are too shy to ask her in front of her gaggle (I know I would be), I'd suggest just walking up to her and asking if you could talk to her for a minute in private.

[Jibar]

Side note: young teenagers are some of the most annoying age group on the planet, mainly because they tend to travel in herds. Noisy herds. Noisy herd that wreak havoc in retail stores. :smallyuk: *bitter*


Hanging out exclusively with a group of teenage girls, I know exactly what you mean.
We're getting better.
I hope.

Anyway, right. Going with the not telling her thing.

[MisterSaturnine]

OK, so first some context. 15, but might as well be 16 (I am in August), going into my junior year, and I've been told I'm quite mature for my age, which I suppose I am. I do not yet have my permit, as I tend to, somehow, be simultaneously very busy and very lazy.

Many years back (and by many...I mean, like, 3?), I became infatuated with someone who did the school plays quite frequently with me. I want to say love, but I sense derision on the horizon, so no mention of that unless it's as covert an attempt as the one I just did. I was much different back then--very bright, energetic, happy, quite a few deemed me insane (I remain "crazy," but am now crazy in a much different fashion) in that endearing sense, and most of all, naive. Y'know, one of those "the good guys always win" folks. Needless to say, she did not feel the same way, and despite this, my love remained for two years. I sunk into a state of severe depression, and basically the entire way I perceived things was destroyed. Great thing about destruction, though, is you can't rebuild without it, and I believe this failed relationship resulted in the person I am--bitter, cynical, quirky, and insane in that still endearing but now slightly unstable and quite unpredictable, and I'll admit, just a little bit frightening way. Generally, several facets of my personality have been dropped and the others have a slight, chaotic edge. It also made me wise in the way only a broken heart can, though, so...yeah. About a year ago, she was directing me in The Lesson (lemme tell you...absurdists are a ***** to memorize in 3 weeks), and by the time we were done, I decided I enjoyed spending time with her too much to continue spoiling things by being the kind of person I am, so I essentially gave her the "Let's Just Be Friends" speech, despite my continued affection for her. We are now simply very good friends.

For more context--the depression still persists, but I am much more able to deal with it. Occasionally, however, I am confronted with a rough patch, such as the recent death of a good friend of mine, or just being in a poor state of mind. The second person that is being mentioned is a year my senior, while the first was a year my junior.

This winter, I found I was falling for someone else after talking to her for over an hour at a cast party and finding that the reasons for her crippling depression were basically exactly the same as mine. As time grew on, I found I fell in love with her. Yes. I do that quickly, I know. Because I enjoyed being her friend so much, though, I decided not to tell her. She found out. And...oy, it's just I love just being in her presence so much it's painful sometimes, and one of my guiltiest pleasures is I enjoy when she's having a hard time with something (well...physically, usually. Emotionally absolutely ruins my day, keeps me awake nights, etc.) so I can help her out. One of the few things that still make me genuinely happy are when she smiles/laughs at something I say (her smile is, like her presence, painful due to the degree of love it inspires. It's one of those smiles containing warmth and love for everyone in the room, but has this deep sadness behind it that makes you want to grab a vorpal sword and seek the maxum foe that's causing her suffering), and her singing voice which is truly beyond words. Fortunately for me, she is something like my grandmother and myself in that she will often start singing to herself, especially if she has just seen a musical. My greatest wish is to be with her, but I know she does not, and will not, feel the same way.

This is less for advice, and more just to vent--sorry if, perhaps, I'm clogging the thread. Then again, there was stuffed animal and MMO discussions earlier, so...

Yeah. Though it is LESS for advice, if anyone has any great ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Oh, and sorry for the hard to understand, convoluted sentences.

EDIT: Yes, another PS. Bite me.


Hanging out exclusively with a group of teenage girls...

Same! Only there are some guys, but they're all actors, so...yeah.

Secondly, StaticWolf--your siggy makes me happy. Dexter was an amazing show. Hope the second season's as good.

[tgva8889]

Mr. Saturnine: That...sucks. I'm not sure exactly what I can say that will help you, since I sorta went through that first part. Not hit that second part yet, but I don't doubt I will. The pessimistic outlook comes from Part A. Anyways, I feel for you, and I hope you figure out how to deal with it. Who knows? Maybe she does, in fact, like you.


Side note: young teenagers are some of the most annoying age group on the planet, mainly because they tend to travel in herds. Noisy herds. Noisy herd that wreak havoc in retail stores. :smallyuk: *bitter*
Cheers,
Syka

Quoted. For. Truth. I should know, I'm a teenager (though I consider myself slightly more mature than most of the other people I know that are my age). I get annoyed quite a lot by the "noisy herd" mentality of my classmates.

[BlackStaticWolf]

Hanging out exclusively with a group of teenage girls, I know exactly what you mean.
We're getting better.
I hope.

You're not. Groups of teenage girls have always been, and will always be... incredibly annoying.

Worse though are those damn kids with the roller-shoes. I want to pimp slap whatever genius invented those things.


Secondly, StaticWolf--your siggy makes me happy. Dexter was an amazing show. Hope the second season's as good.

Props for recognizing the reference. If you liked the show, you should check out the books it was based on: Darkly Dreaming Dexter and Dearly Devoted Dexter. Both are great, and the series is an absolutely phenomenal adaptation.

Hell, the series is the phenomenal.

[Don Beegles]

And the verdict is in: Grow a pair, as i knew that it would be. It just helps to have someone else telling you you're heading in the right direction sometimes.

And honestly, I hate the whole teenage-girl cohesion thing. Last year, most of my good friends were firls, and it was awful for finding a moment with anyone, for whatever reason. Things don't seem as bad anymore, and I'm not sure if that's because they're all trying to act independent and mature as we head into senior year, or because I hang out with more guys. Like Ron Weasley once said "Why do they have to come in packs? What are you supposed to do, lassoo one of them?"

MisterSaturnine: If you haven't tried talking to her, it's probably a good bet. You say she'll never feel the same, but how can you be certain unless you give it a shot? If it is certain that it can never be, just give it up and enjoy the platonic part of your relationship. Both of you will enjoy it more than if you abandon the friendship or can't abandon your romantic feelings, and if you 'fall in love' as easily as you say, and as easily as most 16-year-olds (speaking as one myself) then something else will come along.

[MisterSaturnine]

Props for recognizing the reference. If you liked the show, you should check out the books it was based on: Darkly Dreaming Dexter and Dearly Devoted Dexter. Both are great, and the series is an absolutely phenomenal adaptation.

Oh...

Oh, my.

It was a book first? Now I have to chastise myself for not following the Golden Rule of filmed things--read the book first! OK, fortunately, I'll probably have a bit of reading time in NY, in part due to my separation from the computer. I have to read them. Now.


Mr. Saturnine: That...sucks. I'm not sure exactly what I can say that will help you, since I sorta went through that first part. Not hit that second part yet, but I don't doubt I will. The pessimistic outlook comes from Part A. Anyways, I feel for you, and I hope you figure out how to deal with it. Who knows? Maybe she does, in fact, like you.

Thanks for the sympathy (not sarcastic, I'm sarcastic a lot, but I'm one of those people who whines about their problems so people go, "I feel bad for you," so...yeah). I'm almost 100% sure she does not like me in the same way (I say almost because nothing's for sure around here). When she found out, she told me over IM, and guess what I did? I gave her the Let's Just Be Friends speech. I think it's my automatic response now. I reeeeally hate it.

EDIT: A lot.

[Vampiric]

I'd say that you would be better off telling her how you feel. That way, if she can feel the same way, you feel good, if she can't, she knows that you tell her the truth.

[Thrawn183]

Actually, asking somebody if you can speak with them privately can give them a heck of an opportunity to compose themselves for something that's coming. I know I've had important questions asked to me out of the blue and given some pretty... well... stupid responses.

Example: Girl calls me up for the first time in... a while (I didn't even know she had my cell phone number) and asks me to prom as friends. My first response was "sure." Why? Because I had no problem with the idea of going to prom with her. The problem was I hadn't even seriously considered who I wanted to go to prom with (and I wanted to go with someone as a date). I had to call her up the next day and "put her on hold" which was something I would have much rather not done as it was... incredibly rude. Thing is, if I had had any idea the question was coming, my answer would have been more along the lines of "lemme see if I can find somebody to go with as a date first, as you're only asking me because the guy you wanted to go on a date with turned you down, so fair is fair." Long story short: I have learned my lesson. I'm way to honest when off guard. I've managed to keep such mistakes to a minimum since.

And I feel really ****ty about what happened. That was one heck of an awkward dance.

[Syka]

Thrawn, usually good advice.

Doesn't work though when you are expecting something completely different. :smalleek: I was at a party with two friends, both guys. One of which I was kind of seeing at the time, the line was blurrier then than it is now. The other I had known for some five years. The other one asks to speak with me outside...Ok...I'm assuming it has something to do with the guy I'm seeing, as he had known him longer than I. Newp...He wanted to let me know he liked me and wanted to maybe go to dinner if I was ever living back in town agian. "Eurr....." *shock* Yah, not a shining moment for me and I felt terrible. Still kind of do. So yah...we can make idiotic responses regardless of expectation. Happens to the best and worst of us. :smallwink:

Cheers,
Syka

[squidthingy]

finally going to ask this girl out, any advice on the best way to do this

[Khantalas]

Good question. It would help if you gave us more information about this girl and your relationship with her.

Well, not me. I couldn't help you either way. But others could appreciate it.

I often observed that nothing beats straightforwardness and honesty, though.

[Thrawn183]

Check yourself in a mirror first. That way you can be sure there's nothing in your teeth messing up your smile. (and smile dangit!)

Just think of something that you could do wrong that you really don't want to, and find a way of insuring that it doesn't happen. You'll feel much more secure.

Oh, and hygiene never hurts... ever. (Best foot forward and all that)

[Yiel]

finally going to ask this girl out, any advice on the best way to do this

Fresh breath is a must.

Don't ask her while she is surrounded by friends.

Think about what you are going to say.

Make her feel comfortable, or you might get a reaction response (and not an honest one).

Try and be yourself ^_^ and good luck!

[Serpentine]

finally going to ask this girl out, any advice on the best way to do this
Do not, I repeat do not say "will you go out with me"! Seriously. Don't.

[mdsoze]

Do not, I repeat do not say "will you go out with me"! Seriously. Don't.

That is completely seconded. I'd also not use the word date. I found the most success when asking something along the lines of, "Would you be interested in doing (SPECIFIC ACTIVITY X) with me at (SPECIFIC TIME Y)?" That way, it's just hanging out. Also, that way you're putting forth something you are reasonably interested in, and at least you two will have something in common.

If she was willing to hang out with me, it meant I had a chance. Then going from hanging out to whatever takes time, conversation, trust, understanding, and luck.

[averagejoe]

Do not, I repeat do not say "will you go out with me"! Seriously. Don't.

Query: is "would you like to" better than "will" in these matters? It's something I've speculated on but never really asked anyone about.

[Serpentine]

Query: is "would you like to" better than "will" in these matters? It's something I've speculated on but never really asked anyone about.
No. Absolutely not. Even "would you like to do something with me sometime" is better, as long as you make at least one suggestion as well.
Some examples:
Awful
Will you go out with me?
Wanna go out sometime?
Will you be my girlfriend? (what are you, in primary school?)
Wanna get nasty? (okay, that one might have potential to work for me, but only if you're particularly interesting and being ironic)

Better
Mind if I join you?
Would you like to do something with me sometime, say go out to dinner or to a movie?

The best I can think of
You have some time free? Me too. Fancy a coffee/tea/hot chocolate/beverage of choice?
There's this new restaraunt I want to try out. Would you like to come too?
SCA? Never been, but I'd really like to...
Some friends and I are going to this play. Would you like to come?
I'm really looking forward to this movie... You too? We should go see it together!
Are you available for a meal sometime in the next few days? I'd like to take you out to a place I know to get to know you better.

[averagejoe]

*snip*

Nono, I mean "would you like to" as opposed to "will you" in general, in the context of a single sentance, without looking at the merits of the sentance at large itself.

Edit: Besides, everyone knows the best way to ask a girl out is to challenge her to single combat.

[Serpentine]

Ah. Sorry. Oh well, it's good advice, anyway :smalltongue:
Well, I guess it'd probably be more polite... so... yes?

[Thrawn183]

Actually the single combat thing could be used as a pretty good metaphor. You like pac man. She likes ms. pac man. Have a competition, hang out, have some fun, and then at the end ask if you can take her out to dinner.

So basically, we can't give step by step advice because everyone's different. Though if you shoot me a pm I might be able to think of some activities that relate well with the two of you in particular.

(and if anyone ever asks, know that my first suggestion will always be iceskating, I don't know why, but I really enjoy iceskating and its always struck me as something that would be a great first date)

Oh wait, I do know why, its cheap, its fun, its in a well lit, public area so there is nothing creepy/awkward. You can even do it double date style and still be able to have the groups split up without it being awkward. Just no dressing up in a leotard.... please... for my sake.

[Serpentine]

Prince of Cats, I think it was, keeps suggesting iceskating too.

[The Prince of Cats]

Prince of Cats, I think it was, keeps suggesting iceskating too.
Yeah, it was me, but it was only twice...

Great fun, slipping sliding and falling down together. (this from a man with figure-skating lessons)

[Midnight Son]

No. Absolutely not. Even "would you like to do something with me sometime" is better, as long as you make at least one suggestion as well.
Some examples:
Awful
Will you go out with me?
Wanna go out sometime?
Will you be my girlfriend? (what are you, in primary school?)
Wanna get nasty? (okay, that one might have potential to work for me, but only if you're particularly interesting and being ironic)

Better
Mind if I join you?
Would you like to do something with me sometime, say go out to dinner or to a movie?

The best I can think of
You have some time free? Me too. Fancy a coffee/tea/hot chocolate/beverage of choice?
There's this new restaraunt I want to try out. Would you like to come too?
SCA? Never been, but I'd really like to...
Some friends and I are going to this play. Would you like to come?
I'm really looking forward to this movie... You too? We should go see it together!
Are you available for a meal sometime in the next few days? I'd like to take you out to a place I know to get to know you better.
So, "Fancy a shag?" is right out?:smallbiggrin: :smallredface:

[Nerzi]

So, "Fancy a shag?" is right out?:smallbiggrin: :smallredface:

If you're a girl you can get away with it I think. :smallwink:
Or at least you're more likely to get away with it I imagine.

[averagejoe]

Actually the single combat thing could be used as a pretty good metaphor. You like pac man. She likes ms. pac man. Have a competition, hang out, have some fun, and then at the end ask if you can take her out to dinner.

Well, I was thinking more along the lines of, "I challenge you to blood combat." You don't want to say, "Hey, you wanna duel sometime?" though. Be assertive about these things. She may kill you if she senses weakness.

For you dudes out there who can fly, that's an even better first date than iceskating. Taking a girl flying is the epic level wizard of dating.

[Midnight Son]

For you dudes out there who can fly, that's an even better first date than iceskating. Taking a girl flying is the epic level wizard of dating.

Worked for Arthur Dent, anyway.

[averagejoe]

Worked for Arthur Dent, anyway.

I forgot about him. I was thinking of Superman the movie. Also that old show Gargoyles. Even so, works every time.

[Thrawn183]

I've actually never been on a double date. Anybody out there got an opinion? Recommendations? Warnings? Catcalls? Oh wait... I've gotten those before.

I can so remember the first time I ever got a catcall, it took me so long to even figure it out (because I was kinda stunned) then I was happy for like... days.

[BlackStaticWolf]

I've actually never been on a double date. Anybody out there got an opinion? Recommendations? Warnings? Catcalls? Oh wait... I've gotten those before.

I can so remember the first time I ever got a catcall, it took me so long to even figure it out (because I was kinda stunned) then I was happy for like... days.

My advice... avoid PDA and hope the other couple does the same. That makes it... awkward. Other than that, a double date REALLY isn't any different than going out with a group of friends.

[Fallon]

Yeah, the whole PDA thing is kinda icky. My husband and I had some friends ever, and two of them were dating. The girl kept kissing on him, and teasing him, and it was very much not cool. It made all of us (except her) feel uncomfortable. My hubby and I only do little pecks of affection when we're around others, and I certainly do no sit on his lap and nibble his ear in front of other people, like she was doing to her boyfriend.

[Nerzi]

GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
The one, the ONE day we both have off this holiday save for weekends and he has to pull out of meeting me for revising for his bloody resits! Now while I can't blame him for this, he'd be an idiot not to pull out and revise, it IS very annoying.
I think I'm doomed to remain practicaly celibate this summer. Grrrrr.

This is more of a rant than me looking for advice, need somewhere to vent.
We were going to go to Legoland that day too :smallfrown:
I haven't been there since forever, I was really looking forward to it. :smallfrown:

[Syka]

:smallfrown: I feel for you. Having so far at this point in my life experienced: A. a 3 year long distance relationship and B. what should technically be termed a relationship where I see him maybe every 2-3 weeks. Occasionally for a week or more given a break. So I can definitely sympathize with you.

After my first kiss with the new guy I realized it had been about 7 months since I'd had been kissed, let alone anything else. So yes...I feel for you. :smallsmile: *hug*

Cheers,
Syka

[The Great Skenardo]

I'll throw in my sympathy as well. I'm lucky if I get to see my lady friend once or twice in a year. :smallfrown:

[Pyrian]

As for searching...Same thing with me. The moment I stopped worrying, I fell into relationships. The first time around, it was just some random guy I met at a dance for my Latin competition (ancient language, not the dance style) who I ended up with for over three years. This time around it was some random guy from my math class who I had been completely oblivious to his flirting. I think I need to be hit with the clue hammer a few times to pick up on people liking me....>>' It took me until March to realize that what he had been doing in Sep/Oct had been flirting.

Oh, to be desired. :smalleek: I've gone for years without considering relationships, and none of this "just falling" has ever happened to me. I've had to work, fight, and struggle for every single bit of loving I've ever gotten. :smallannoyed:


Edit: Besides, everyone knows the best way to ask a girl out is to challenge her to single combat.

Oddly, this has in fact worked for me in the past. I sparred with this one woman back when I was studying Aikido. In Aikido, a technique frequently ends with pinning the other person to the ground. She asked me what you do with an attacker once they're pinned... I explained that you call for help or police, or talk them down, or just get a head start running, etc.. Next time we sparred, she asked me the same question again, so I pinned her down and kissed her. :smallbiggrin: We were together for years after that...


I think I'm doomed to remain practicaly celibate this summer. Grrrrr.

We've got a substantial portion of lonely hormonal guys posting here, I'm sure you can find someone to help you with that. :smallwink: J/k!

[Don Beegles]

GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
I think I'm doomed to remain practicaly celibate this summer. Grrrrr.


Allow me to be the first lonely hormonal guy to volunteer. :smallwink: J/K, unless you want me to be serious.


On a serious note, that bit of advice on the actual logistics of asking someone out is a godsend. I still haven't talked to her really, but I passed her in the halls and saied "Howdy" like I do to everyone, and she just said "...hi..." and hurried past, so I think she didn't respond to well, though I'm not sure. I like to think, however, that that's not entirely due to me as a person and at least partly because as I was asking her to go see a movie I was thinking "This is awkwardly put and I don't know how to unawkward it."

[Thrawn183]

[QUOTE=Pyrian;2732854]
Oddly, this has in fact worked for me in the past. I sparred with this one woman back when I was studying Aikido. In Aikido, a technique frequently ends with pinning the other person to the ground. She asked me what you do with an attacker once they're pinned... I explained that you call for help or police, or talk them down, or just get a head start running, etc.. Next time we sparred, she asked me the same question again, so I pinned her down and kissed her. :smallbiggrin: We were together for years after that...
QUOTE]

That you managed to pull that off successfully... dude, I soooo gotta give you props on that one.


On a past note, I must admit to having partaken in the forbidden fruit that is PDA. In my defense, I thought it was far enough away from the group to not be a problem (we were in the grass seats past right field, the entire senior class and chaperones were seated at third base), I just didn't take into account that multiple people had brought (and then proceeded to pass around) binoculars. I didn't even know about it until the father of one of my best friends complimented me on my "technique". It was one of those moments that was simultaneously both ridiculously awesome and horrifying.

Lesson learned: beware of people with items that increase their spot checks. And thank god nobody had a video camera (at least that I've found out about yet).

[Syka]

Pyrian- such an awesome move. :D

Oh god...I have a PDA one for you. x.x I was visiting my ex once and we hadn't seen each other in a year. Well, we were wandering around downtown Philly with my family. The shop we went into had a little back section somewhat seperated from the rest which had a lot of cool chess sets and such. We seperated and I was ooing and ahhing over the coolness of the sets (which were ungodly priced but so freaking awesome), when we reached a corner and proceed to kiss. We thought we were out of eye shot. And technically we were.

Just not of the security camera. :smalleek:

My mom came back and of course we jumped apart (I was only 17, he 16, at the time). Well...it turns out the lady had said, and I quote, "Not again...That's the fifth couple." :smallannoyed: I felt less embarassed after that, but still. If they didn't like seeing that on camera, for god sake put someone back there (and there was a place for someone to be). At least it was nothing beyond kissing.

I generally keep PDA to a minimum. Holding hands, quick pecks, maybe arm around me. Pretty much anything beyond that would be a no go. Sitting on lap isn't that bad...unless you add in other stuff...>>'

Cheers,
Syka

[Pyrian]

On a past note, I must admit to having partaken in the forbidden fruit that is PDA. In my defense, I thought it was far enough away from the group to not be a problem (we were in the grass seats past right field, the entire senior class and chaperones were seated at third base), I just didn't take into account that multiple people had brought (and then proceeded to pass around) binoculars. I didn't even know about it until the father of one of my best friends complimented me on my "technique". It was one of those moments that was simultaneously both ridiculously awesome and horrifying.

Ha ha, that's awesome. Seriously, though, the reason PDA's are frowned on is because people might not want to watch. If they're using binoculars to spy on you, they really can't make that complaint!

Just consider yourself lucky they didn't start putting the score up on the main board. "He's at first base... Aaaaand trying to steal second! Oooo, he's slapped down, that's gotta hurt..." :smallcool: (Ugh, I hope that was non-specific enough to avoid being scrubbed.)

[Yiel]

Vent away Nerzi! I'd come take you to Legoland but the airfare is a little too steep. I hope you get some time with your man soon.

As for PDAs, well I used to work in Hospitality and I have seen my fair share of displays. The most embarrassing I've seen was the couple who snuck out of a party in a restaurant to kiss in the gardens. They were caught when they rolled past and activated the motion sensors hooked up to the floodlights...

[Syka]

I have a question about sexuality you all.

I recently got in a discussion with a friend about it and it led me to reevalutate myself. I came to the conclusion that I am neither straight, gay, bi, whatever. I'm just attracted to people. I mean, so far the particular combination needed to get to me has be possessed by males, but I'm not adverse to a relationship with a female. I just haven't come across one yet. I figure a persons a person and all I need is the physical and mental attraction for it to work, the right combination if you will.

It's kind of like when someone asked if I had ever been curious about kissing another girl and I gave them a weird look and said, "No, I always assumed it was like kissing a guy. They're all just mouths anyway."

Is this non-gender based view odd?

That being said, I still say I'm straight. I say this because so far, although I can find women attractIVE, I have yet to be attractED to one. I don't know what it is about guys, but they seem to be my cup of tea so far.

Cheers,
Syka

[The Great Skenardo]

I have a question about sexuality you all.

I recently got in a discussion with a friend about it and it led me to reevalutate myself. I came to the conclusion that I am neither straight, gay, bi, whatever. I'm just attracted to people. I mean, so far the particular combination needed to get to me has be possessed by males, but I'm not adverse to a relationship with a female. I just haven't come across one yet. I figure a persons a person and all I need is the physical and mental attraction for it to work, the right combination if you will.

It's kind of like when someone asked if I had ever been curious about kissing another girl and I gave them a weird look and said, "No, I always assumed it was like kissing a guy. They're all just mouths anyway."

Is this non-gender based view odd?

That being said, I still say I'm straight. I say this because so far, although I can find women attractIVE, I have yet to be attractED to one. I don't know what it is about guys, but they seem to be my cup of tea so far.

Cheers,
Syka

Well, I'm not a psychologist, but isn't the definition of bisexual that you can find members of either sex equally attractive?

[Thrawn183]

Hospitality? Legoland? What are these things of which you speak?

Not getting to see somebody because of distance is rough. Not getting involved with somebody because of distance could potentially be worse. I was attracted to a girl I knew last year but I didn't do anything because she was a senior (and I knew she was looking at dental school) and I was a mere sophomore. Turns out that she's taking a year off from school before applying and lives in the area. We've even studied for the DAT together (though I haven't done anything "proactive"). I thought we would have only had a semester together before she basically disappeared, *sigh* if only I had known. Now I'm thinking of dental school or maybe optometry school and the possibility is... tantalizing. And she's shorter than me! (because everyone knows women never seem to go for shorter men):smallmad:

Oh, and I'm curious: have any of you guys out there ever had a woman who literally made your knees weak? It's only happened to me twice (and both times with the same person), but I gotta say, its dangerous! I almost knocked my head against the side of a car the first time it happened. I think that's when I realized we had something special. As odd as it might sound, near injury and attraction seem to go together with me.

[Pyrian]

Off-hand, Syka, I'd say that puts you squarely in the center of how most women feel on the subject. Your attitude almost precisely describes the attitude of most "straight" women I've discussed this with. I've definitely heard from women who were more bi (as in, same basic attitude, but actual relationships tended to oscillate) or more straight (as in...well, I won't elaborate).

[Fallon]

Oh wow, I just remembered this story my hubby told me about pda ^_^

His dad has a big volunteer position in our church, and was helping to chaperone a youth dance (ages 14-18). Well, he was making the rounds on the parking lot, and saw a car that was a little... steamy. That kind of stuff is not permitted at the church dances, even in the parking lot. So he taps on the window to tell them to knock it off, and it was two newlywed chaperones. That was a little awkward to say the least ^_^

[averagejoe]

Oddly, this has in fact worked for me in the past. I sparred with this one woman back when I was studying Aikido. In Aikido, a technique frequently ends with pinning the other person to the ground. She asked me what you do with an attacker once they're pinned... I explained that you call for help or police, or talk them down, or just get a head start running, etc.. Next time we sparred, she asked me the same question again, so I pinned her down and kissed her. :smallbiggrin: We were together for years after that...

*eyeroll* Well... that's like single combat, I guess. Not to say I'm not happy for you, that just isn't quite what I meant. Mating rituals should be more like battle.

[PhoeKun]

I have a question about sexuality you all.

I recently got in a discussion with a friend about it and it led me to reevalutate myself. I came to the conclusion that I am neither straight, gay, bi, whatever. I'm just attracted to people. I mean, so far the particular combination needed to get to me has be possessed by males, but I'm not adverse to a relationship with a female. I just haven't come across one yet. I figure a persons a person and all I need is the physical and mental attraction for it to work, the right combination if you will.

It's kind of like when someone asked if I had ever been curious about kissing another girl and I gave them a weird look and said, "No, I always assumed it was like kissing a guy. They're all just mouths anyway."

Is this non-gender based view odd?

That being said, I still say I'm straight. I say this because so far, although I can find women attractIVE, I have yet to be attractED to one. I don't know what it is about guys, but they seem to be my cup of tea so far.

Cheers,
Syka

Oh, hey, this is right up my alley.

I don't find it odd at all, although I've recently come to the conclusion that we're generally classified under 'bisexual'. Of course, that might be because I've also recently fallen for someone of the same gender as myself (or rather, recently started admitting it).

Side note of sympathy to Nerzi: I'm in a long-distance relationship, so I understand the frustrations of not being able to meet...

Back to Syka: A lot of people put a very negative stigma on bisexuality (sometimes even more so than the stigma on homosexuality), which I think leads to a large number of bisexual people labeling themselves as something else. However, I've also heard it describe as having an extremely balanced sense of masculinity/femininity.

Well, having said all of that, I'm not interested in forcing a label on you if you'd prefer not to use it. But if you do find a girl you're ever legitimately attracted to, I hope at the very least you won't feel weird about it.

[Midnight Son]

Oh, and I'm curious: have any of you guys out there ever had a woman who literally made your knees weak? It's only happened to me twice (and both times with the same person), but I gotta say, its dangerous! I almost knocked my head against the side of a car the first time it happened. I think that's when I realized we had something special. As odd as it might sound, near injury and attraction seem to go together with me.My first girlfriend; Yes, the one who ripped my heart out and threw it in a wood chipper. The first time I saw her, I was sitting on a chair at her sister's house. She walked into the room and the only way I can describe it is that she emitted a force field of some kind. I was physically thrown backwards into the wall. That ever happens again, I'm running as fast as I can.

Edit: Oh, and Syka, never tell your boyfriend that unless you actually feel like a threesome.:smallbiggrin:

[Thrawn183]

*eyeroll* Well... that's like single combat, I guess. Not to say I'm not happy for you, that just isn't quite what I meant. Mating rituals should be more like battle.

You klingon, you.

Personally I'm of the opinion that there should be more single combat in the world. I'm a fan of objective accomplishments. (couldn't think of anywhere else to put this sentence)

Why: 3 reasons
1) Great spectator spectacles. The first time I watched amateur boxing was great.
2) Since I am enormously attracted to fit women (sports, martial arts whatever) I have found that hot and sweaty is well... hot (and generally sweaty too, oddly enough).
3) Would probably get me flamed of the thread for being insensitive :smallbiggrin: .

Edit: And yeah, the relationship with the girl who made my knees weak went down almost in flames so... I guess maybe its a bad sign? Wow, wouldn't have seen that one coming.

[averagejoe]

Edit: Oh, and Syka, never tell your boyfriend that unless you actually feel like a threesome.:smallbiggrin:

Who would have guessed that threesomes often feel like talking about sexual confusion with their boyfriends? :smallbiggrin:


You klingon, you.

Personally I'm of the opinion that there should be more single combat in the world. I'm a fan of objective accomplishments. (couldn't think of anywhere else to put this sentence)

I just think it's healthy. Gets out the bad blood, and keeps the passion in the relationship.

[Serpentine]

I have a question about sexuality you all.

I recently got in a discussion with a friend about it and it led me to reevalutate myself. I came to the conclusion that I am neither straight, gay, bi, whatever. I'm just attracted to people. I mean, so far the particular combination needed to get to me has be possessed by males, but I'm not adverse to a relationship with a female. I just haven't come across one yet. I figure a persons a person and all I need is the physical and mental attraction for it to work, the right combination if you will.

It's kind of like when someone asked if I had ever been curious about kissing another girl and I gave them a weird look and said, "No, I always assumed it was like kissing a guy. They're all just mouths anyway."

Is this non-gender based view odd?

That being said, I still say I'm straight. I say this because so far, although I can find women attractIVE, I have yet to be attractED to one. I don't know what it is about guys, but they seem to be my cup of tea so far.

Cheers,
Syka
Strangely enough, studying ancient Greece has helped define my views of sexuality. Back then, it was considered normal, or at least not weird, for a happily married man, or one who intended to be happily married, to bang boys. They could even write poetry about their lovers, but as long as they kept within certain boundaries (much of it was a power thing, for example, such as the norm that the older man should always be the one in control), they weren't labelled as any sexuality - couldn't be, in fact, as there was no such thing as "heterosexual" and "homosexual".
Personally, I'm more inclined to see it as a scale thing. Most people (I think, cuz from a strictly scientific viewpoint, it makes the most sense) are madly or moderately into the other sex. Some people are madly or moderately into the same sex. Others aren't really into either, and some (or possibly most) are madly or moderately into both, possibly with a greater inclination to one or the other (I think the "madly into both" is probably what my mother was thinking of when she said that it seemed to her that bisexuality was just an excuse to be promiscuous. This was some years ago, though, so her opinions may well have changed). Even these categories, I think, have a lot of blurring between them.
More personally, I'd say I'm pretty comfortable with my heterosexuality, at least in that I have little interest in having a relationship with a fellow female. An especially close friendship, perhaps, and there are a few things I'd be interested in trying, but males for long-term partnership all the way. They're more fun to tease ^_^

[Lilly]

Nerzi and Syka- You wanna join the Kaylee club? If you've seen Serenity you know what I'm talking about. We can all buy stock in Duracell together :smallwink:

Have y'all ever heard of the Kinsey Scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale)? Might be useful reading for everyone.

[BlackStaticWolf]

Oh, and I'm curious: have any of you guys out there ever had a woman who literally made your knees weak? It's only happened to me twice (and both times with the same person), but I gotta say, its dangerous! I almost knocked my head against the side of a car the first time it happened. I think that's when I realized we had something special. As odd as it might sound, near injury and attraction seem to go together with me.

Yes. I work for a law firm in downtown Orlando, and about once a week I go to our bank to cash checks either for petty cash or the senior partner. About six months ago a new teller started working at our bank. She was quite literally my ideal of physical beauty (everyone has their preferences when it comes to various physical attributes... she was exactly mine on all regards: height, build, hair, eyes, skin tone). Not only that but she also had my favorite name, Paige (it's a foible... I just like the name). She liked Futurama and thought my suggestion of solving a dispute with another bank via fisticuffs was funny.

Everytime I went in to cash a check, I went with the intent of asking her to join me for lunch or a cup of coffee or something. And everytime, I failed to do so. Now, she longer works there so my problem as resolved itself.

[Khantalas]

Nerzi and Syka- You wanna join the Kaylee club? If you've seen Serenity you know what I'm talking about. We can all buy stock in Duracell together :smallwink:

Have y'all ever heard of the Kinsey Scale (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale)? Might be useful reading for everyone.

I've heard of the Kinsey Scale! Me, me, me!

I'd place myself somewhere at 1 on the Kinsey scale. I find the Klein Orientation Grid (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klein_Sexual_Orientation_Grid) to be more defining, though, since it gives you several factors to rate yourself in.

Hey, I'm not the only one who knows weird stuff about the science of romance and sex!

[Serpentine]

Everytime I went in to cash a check, I went with the intent of asking her to join me for lunch or a cup of coffee or something. And everytime, I failed to do so. Now, she longer works there so my problem as resolved itself.
You fool. Sorry to beat you up about it, but yeah. At the very least you lost yourself a potential friend. I mean really. Damn.

[Mick_the_Rogue]

Hey folks, no real advice or woes to speak of...as I have no relationship (no romantic one at any rate) which causes me such things

More of an observation and query: I've noticed that there seems to be a lot of people beginning to...for lack of a better phrase in my head 'hooking up' in the playground, starting relationships with people they've met at a rather large ratio (at least to my knowledge), my question is why's this happening to frequently? I mean, we've had several weddings pop up as well as several relationship[s going on (the most noteable one that pops in my head is Trog and his woman who I forget...I fear her wrath now).

So yeah...any idea why this has been happening so much?

[MisterSaturnine]

Hey folks, no real advice or woes to speak of...as I have no relationship (no romantic one at any rate) which causes me such things

More of an observation and query: I've noticed that there seems to be a lot of people beginning to...for lack of a better phrase in my head 'hooking up' in the playground, starting relationships with people they've met at a rather large ratio (at least to my knowledge), my question is why's this happening to frequently? I mean, we've had several weddings pop up as well as several relationship[s going on (the most noteable one that pops in my head is Trog and his woman who I forget...I fear her wrath now).

So yeah...any idea why this has been happening so much?

A wizard did it? :smalltongue:

[Mick_the_Rogue]

Ah! Of course...it all makes sense!!!

Damn those arcanists with their foul sense of fashion with those pointy hats and long flowing robes! How date they tell the laws of physics and biology to sit down and shut up whilst they spread love and good feelings about the cyberverse!

Real cretins I tell you:smallbiggrin:

[PhoeKun]

This is a community built around a large gathering of generally good people with compatible interests, many of whom are interested in having a relationship. If people like that are going to find people anywhere, it makes sense that it would be here.

Or maybe it only seems like a lot of people because those that have found their special someone are so open about it... *eyes signature*

[BlackStaticWolf]

You fool. Sorry to beat you up about it, but yeah. At the very least you lost yourself a potential friend. I mean really. Damn.

Yeah... I had plenty of reasons that dissuaded me, and at the time they seemed pretty convincing.

[Khantalas]

This is a community built around a large gathering of generally good people with compatible interests, many of whom are interested in having a relationship. If people like that are going to find people anywhere, it makes sense that it would be here.

Damn, you beat me to it.

I mean out of so many people, a respectable number are gonna be mutually attracted to each other. Especially considering that it is easier to find people you would be compatible with here, since people have hang outs and people with similar interests share the same hang outs.

I think. I never found anyone so unforgettable to me that finds me unforgettable too. (Yes, I channel Nat King Cole)

[Syka]

Thanks guys. I think I'd be classified heterosexual (1.5 on Kinsey's scale I'd think), but I was just curious about other peoples views. As I said, I've never actually been attracted that way to any particular female, I'm just not averse to it.

MS, good advice. But swinging both ways does not preclude monogamy. :smallwink: Though I'm sure he'd want it to.

Lilly- You just got about five million awesome points. :smallbiggrin: I love the scene when she's like, "Screw dying...I'm going to live!" I get to go home next week hopefully, so I mayhaps will solve my problem temporarily. It may not solve the whole 'complicated' issue, but I'm not complaining. :smallamused:

Cheers,
Syka

[Pyrian]

Everytime I went in to cash a check, I went with the intent of asking her to join me for lunch or a cup of coffee or something. And everytime, I failed to do so. Now, she longer works there so my problem as resolved itself.You fool. Sorry to beat you up about it, but yeah. At the very least you lost yourself a potential friend. I mean really. Damn.Maybe, maybe not. :smallcool: I used to chat briefly with a breathtakingly beautiful (and before I met her I'd thought "breathtaking" was a figure of speech) young woman who worked at the nearby Jamba Juice. After some time, urging of friends, and much determination, I, literally trembling in terror, asked her for her number.

She turned me down flat.

Ah, well. :smallredface:

[averagejoe]

Maybe, maybe not. :smallcool: I used to chat briefly with a breathtakingly beautiful (and before I met her I'd thought "breathtaking" was a figure of speech) young woman who worked at the nearby Jamba Juice. After some time, urging of friends, and much determination, I, literally trembling in terror, asked her for her number.

She turned me down flat.

Ah, well. :smallredface:

And what did you lose? Nothing.

[Thrawn183]

And what did you lose? Nothing.

In the past I might have said, "pride." But in my more elderly years I have come to realize that you lose a lot more beating yourself up over stuff later than just pride.

Anywho, anybody got any good news to report?

[Pyrian]

And what did you lose? Nothing.

Whoa, there. I was just pointing out that BlackStaticWolf may very well have gained nothing by trying (in fact, that's the most common scenario), in rebuttal to Serpentine's "beating him up".

And you're still wrong. There was regrettable fallout from that incident. Nothing major, but still.

[Glaivemaster]

In the past I might have said, "pride." But in my more elderly years I have come to realize that you lose a lot more beating yourself up over stuff later than just pride.

Anywho, anybody got any good news to report?

Erm...I might very soon actually meet in person the girl I've been (for want of a better word) courting over the last few weeks. It's not that I met her on the internet, she's a friend of a friend. I just haven't been introduced to her in person

Obviously, I'm not looking for advice, just giving the good news, since you asked

[BlackStaticWolf]

Maybe, maybe not. :smallcool: I used to chat briefly with a breathtakingly beautiful (and before I met her I'd thought "breathtaking" was a figure of speech) young woman who worked at the nearby Jamba Juice. After some time, urging of friends, and much determination, I, literally trembling in terror, asked her for her number.

She turned me down flat.

Ah, well. :smallredface:

Believe it or not, fear of being turned down didn't factor in at all. I've been turned down enough that I'm completely over that hang up. Mostly it was other stuff: fear of asking in front of her co-workers, fear of the awkwardness caused by asking a pseudo-co-worker out, the fact that I'm moving to Miami in August, and the entirely reasonable fear that she was entirely too ideal and was in fact some sort of succubus sent to rob me of my essense.

[averagejoe]

In the past I might have said, "pride." But in my more elderly years I have come to realize that you lose a lot more beating yourself up over stuff later than just pride.

Pride and an empty sack is worth a sack. It's wasted emotion.

What reason do you have to beat yourself up? Would you say yes to anyone who asked you out? If you say no to someone is it because you're trying to make them feel bad about themselves? Should someone you reject feel bad about themselves? Do you think of someone as stupid or worthless for trying if you reject them?

[BlackStaticWolf]

Pride and an empty sack is worth a sack. It's wasted emotion.

What reason do you have to beat yourself up? Would you say yes to anyone who asked you out? If you say no to someone is it because you're trying to make them feel bad about themselves? Should someone you reject feel bad about themselves? Do you think of someone as stupid or worthless for trying if you reject them?

I... think you're misunderstanding what Thrawn meant. I think he meant that you lose more by failing ask someone out. It's one of those regret things.

[Pyrian]

I... think you're misunderstanding what Thrawn meant.

It seems he's got an axe to grind, and regardless of context, he's going to bloody well grind it! :smallcool:

[Syka]

Heh, yah. While I don't really regret things I kicked myself in the bum a lot while I was home (and unfortunately it didn't really help much).

You see...I have trouble initating stuff. Previously...I'm not sure why. I think it's just because I knew he would initiate stuff so I didn't really worry and I've got some issues with physical closeness (which I'm beginning to shed). As in, before the last year or so, I'd not really hug anyone outside of my family and sigificant other unless the other person did the hugging and I was very close to them. Otherwise I'd literally go stiff as a board. The friends who witnessed this happen got a good laugh out of it.

Well, with this guy I've been wanting to actually initiate stuff. The problem I'm running in to is my mind won't let me. I don't know what is 'too much' and I'm not really sure how often, etc, is appropriate given I'm not even sure about our relationship status. Despite whatever physical intimacy problems I might have- once you are in, you're pretty much in. Contact will be frequent. Unless I over analyze like this. ;)

So yes...I sympthize greatly with the semi-regret sentiment.


And where are my fellow Kaylee club members? :smallsmile:

Cheers,
Syka

[Thrawn183]

I... think you're misunderstanding what Thrawn meant. I think he meant that you lose more by failing ask someone out. It's one of those regret things.

What he said. :smallcool:

Anyway, I just wanted to see a few success stories, if nothing else than to inspire those in need of... inspiration. (hey now, my mind is still supplying vocab even after my physics test this morning, be happy this is the worst its been.)

And pride is awesome. It's what keeps me going on a very regular basis. Pride in myself. Pride in where I come from. Pride in who and what I am! *breath in, breath out* whew. Its the one thing that can never be given to nor taken away from me. I treasure what I have and guard it jealously. Am I arrogant? Perhaps. I'd prefer to think not, but I'm not too dumb to realize it isn't possible.

Edit: Oh, Syka, didn't see that. A little regret is a good thing now and agin. It means you are examining your own actions and *gasp* finding fault with them(wait... someones... not perfect?). Its only a problem when you can't break out of the cycle and decide to use the past to make yourself better. Frankly, you sound like you've got that part under control.

Now for my advice :smallwink: : sounds to me like nothing much is happening. First question. Do you want more to happen? Hopefully your answer can be summed up in "yes" or "no." This is really all there is.

If answer is yes, make it happen. If that fails... then it seems to me like there isn't really anything substantive between the two of you. If it succeeds... throw a party, you win?

PS. Limbo is teh suxorz.

[magicwalker]

'It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all...'

Whoever said that is full of bologna.

Regret sucks, especially if you're analytical and have bad self-esteem to begin with. It's a huge rain cloud on an otherwise sunny day..

It's, well, it's awful.

I don't know if I prefer ignorance and bliss over experience and regret, but there are days where ignorance would be so much more blissful.

[Syka]

Aw...For all that my relationship had ended on a sour note, I don't regret a single thing. I learned a lot- both good and bad- and if I hadn't, I wouldn't be who I am today. That is one reason I make it a policy to not regret stuff. So...I'm sorry that you feel that way. I wouldn't trade my time in love for...anything.

Yes, I do want more. By more, I mean frequency. As it is physically, we've gone about as far as I'm willing to go give our current non-relationship status. Anything more is going to take a committment. If that doesn't happen, I'm perfectly fine where we are. So...how about this. When I go home (hopefully) next week, I'll initiate something? I need some sort of goal to hold myself too. Otherwise, knowing me, I'll back off and just be chicken again. :smallconfused: Darn me and my brain always overthinking things.

Cheers,
Syka

[Thrawn183]

Good enough for me, Syka. Always good to see another proactive playgrounder.:smallbiggrin:

(And the playground demands tps reports, maybe even your stapler if you have one)

[Serpentine]

More of an observation and query: I've noticed that there seems to be a lot of people beginning to...for lack of a better phrase in my head 'hooking up' in the playground, starting relationships with people they've met at a rather large ratio (at least to my knowledge), my question is why's this happening to frequently? I mean, we've had several weddings pop up as well as several relationship[s going on (the most noteable one that pops in my head is Trog and his woman who I forget...I fear her wrath now).

So yeah...any idea why this has been happening so much?
I'm pretty sure Trog and Thes hooked up outside of the Playground, and I know Goff and I did, so I don't think we count... For the rest, see everyone else's responses. And also the Anonymous Crushes thread, I think that might go some way to explain why it seems to be on the increase lately.

Also: Huh. I think I missed PhoeKun and Amotis... I shouldn't be this jealous of an avatar. >sniff<

[Mattarias, King.]

... Well, this is kinda silly, but here goes.. *takes a deep breath*

I've recently graduated from high school, and my girlfriend (who is also my DM. :smallbiggrin: She's awesome.) still has a year to go. I'm going to live on campus, thus, she can't come to my house to visit me all the time like she tends to. Here's the thing, though- she gets depressed, and i mean majorly so when she's seperated from me for too long. I'm afraid that we've grown so close that attempting to seperate is will inevitably cause damage to one or the other...

Uhm.. help? I'm at the end of my rope. No way I'm going to split up with her, I just want to figure out how to get her to un-funkify. She's been really sad about not being able to see me as much as she used to, and i don't know what to do. :smallfrown: GiTP, I implore ye, impart thine assistance!

.. If you would please...

[Serpentine]

If it's really such an issue, maybe spending a little time apart will be good for you/her. Don't forget there's always the telephone, and letters. Maybe start by arranging a time every day for one of you to call the other, so you're not totally cut off.

[BlackStaticWolf]

As in, before the last year or so, I'd not really hug anyone outside of my family and sigificant other unless the other person did the hugging and I was very close to them. Otherwise I'd literally go stiff as a board. The friends who witnessed this happen got a good laugh out of it.

Issue schmissue. There's such a thing as personal space and people who insist on violating it by hugging are irksome to say the least.

A minor rant... what the hell is up with people who like to hug all the time? They hug when they say hello, they hug when they say goodbye. They get offended if you don't want to hug. It's bothersome.

[Koga]

Well, The Koga's been back together with his girlfriend for little over a week now. That "breakup" wasn't even three days LOL!!!

We foundout through thinking it over we've been dating for like five months now. lol hot damn!


The Koga's advise? Puton a good poker-face. The Koga tried to act like he had movedon and gatherd up a buncof new women to take her place.

Which he did, but they all sucked! But he didn't tell her that lol!!!

And then she begged him to comeback to her, he heald her close and so she'd feel special because despite how The Koga could have any woman, he chose her, and that makes her feel all good about herself and crap, while at the same-time The Koga gets his va-jay-jay!:smallbiggrin:


Thank God The Koga didn't have to actually date one of those slime-creeps. Uggg, they were hippies and liberals. The Koga would be nothing without Amaya! ; _ ;

[The Prince of Cats]

I've got some issues with physical closeness (which I'm beginning to shed). As in, before the last year or so, I'd not really hug anyone outside of my family and sigificant other unless the other person did the hugging and I was very close to them.
I can honestly say that I sympathise. I used to be like that, though the problem used to encompass my significant other too. If I initiated hugging, if I was in control, I was fine. As soon as I was being hugged, I would panic. In my case, it was a confidence issue; I was scared of upsetting the other person, of not being 'huggable' enough. Also, I would often wonder where to put my hands, so as not to offend them and I would worry about truly offending girls with a certain 'male reaction' to being hugged by a pretty girl.


But swinging both ways does not preclude monogamy.
Oh yes, this is one line I know; how can you be bisexual and married? As I once told an exclusively-gay friend; I fall for people, not for genders. For too many bisexuals, I have noticed that there is a certain identity crisis; they try to be one or the other. Apparently, it is all too rare to just 'let go' and be neither.

[Serpentine]

I would worry about truly offending girls with a certain 'male reaction' to being hugged by a pretty girl.

Offended? I'd be flattered :smallwink: :smalltongue:

[Logic]

I would worry about truly offending girls with a certain 'male reaction' to being hugged by a pretty girl.

Offended? I'd be flattered :smallwink: :smalltongue:
If I were the one hugging, I'd be embarrased. :smallredface: :smalleek:

[Serpentine]

Well sure, but that just makes it all the more adorable ^_^
I dunno, maybe I'm just unusually understanding/empathetic or something. Or just more easily amused :smalltongue:

[Nerzi]

I'd be flattered, and amused. I'm very easily amused.
Unless of course it's somebody really creepy who I wouldn't want hugging me in the first place.

[Don Beegles]

Syka: That's a good way to go. Make yourself the goal to initiate something by a specific date and then do it. It works well either way; either you do it, or your pissed at yourself and drive yourself to do it next time.

And for anyone who was wondering how my little dilemma worked out, I will tell ye. It was at the Theatre Company banquet, where all the awards and stuff for the year are passed out. I was just announced as the new president after an election that came down to three votes that occured almost a month ago, so I was understandably both terrified at my responsibility and on top of the world. I was standing around on the dance floor as everyone gathered around to sign up for the summer show, and she was hanging around as well. We chatted for a while with my 'opponent' from scouts, and when he left I turned to her and said "Look, I think I made an ass of myself the other day." She assured me that I hadn't. I am a complete and total idiot. That needs to be said because I honestly thought after she said this "Good she doesn't hate me. Now that's over with." Thank God that she then said, "We should hang out next year." I almost slapped myself at my stupidity and returned with "Next year? You doing anything Saturday?" She said no, I got her number and now I've just got to call her to figure out what's up.

The best part of the story comes when I got home and said good night to my parents. My mother had been at the banquet, but left before the dancing started and when I asked her if we were doing anything Saturday night, because I wanted to take this girl to the movies, she was triumphant. "I knew it." When I asked her to elucidate she explained that a few weeks ago she had told my dad that she thought I had a thing for this girl, and then as I used my presidential power to organize all of the Theatre Officers for a picture, she says she say Katie 'gazing at me longingly' and concluded that the feeling was mutual.

The moral is don't think that your impressions of a situation are necessarily complete, because they're not. Give it a shot anyway, because you've probably got a better chance than you think you do.

[LCR]

... Well, this is kinda silly, but here goes.. *takes a deep breath*

I've recently graduated from high school, and my girlfriend (who is also my DM. :smallbiggrin: She's awesome.) still has a year to go. I'm going to live on campus, thus, she can't come to my house to visit me all the time like she tends to. Here's the thing, though- she gets depressed, and i mean majorly so when she's seperated from me for too long. I'm afraid that we've grown so close that attempting to seperate is will inevitably cause damage to one or the other...

Uhm.. help? I'm at the end of my rope. No way I'm going to split up with her, I just want to figure out how to get her to un-funkify. She's been really sad about not being able to see me as much as she used to, and i don't know what to do. :smallfrown: GiTP, I implore ye, impart thine assistance!

.. If you would please...

Get away as fast as you can. She gets depressed as soon as she's separated from you? She should see a psychiatrist. And you should not see her until that issue is resolved.

Edit: This is, of course, only valid, if you use "depressed" in its medical sense. If by depressed, you mean merely "very sad", you should do nothing but wait and see. Time heals most wounds and it's nothing unusual to be sad when you're separated from your partner.


And on a personal note: If my girlfriend were anything like this, I'd freak out and move to Australia, which, in turn, would make a whole lot of Aussies depressed.

[Shiny, Bearer of the Pokystick]

Offended? I'd be flattered :smallwink: :smalltongue:
I knew there was a reason I liked you. :smallamused:

[Thes Hunter]

I'm pretty sure Trog and Thes hooked up outside of the Playground,

Nope, me and Troggie meet here.

But my love for him formed from us meeting outside of the forum. :smallwink:



And Mick_the_Rogue how right you were to be afraid! *give menacing grin*

[Serpentine]

I knew there was a reason I liked you. :smallamused:
>follows through with a mightily embarrassing tale about that time I gave Goff a massage shortly before we got together<
>awaits pending doom... which probably won't come cuz Goff is an antisocial bugger who never comes into FB anyway<

Don Beegles, good for you, congratmutations, and many other terms rendered hollow and empty through endless repetitions... but I do mean them, honest! I hope you two have fun, whatever else happens.

Thes, sorry 'bout that. I can only assume it happened in the deep dark days of antiquity, before I entered the world of the Playground.
Damn you Shiny, causing me to wax verbose!

[Shiny, Bearer of the Pokystick]

>follows through with a mightily embarrassing tale about that time I gave Goff a massage shortly before we got together<
>awaits pending doom... which probably won't come cuz Goff is an antisocial bugger who never comes into FB anyway<

Don Beegles, good for you, congratmutations, and many other terms rendered hollow and empty through endless repetitions... but I do mean them, honest! I hope you two have fun, whatever else happens.

Thes, sorry 'bout that. I can only assume it happened in the deep dark days of antiquity, before I entered the world of the Playground.
Damn you Shiny, causing me to wax verbose!

::Reciprocates with a story about that one time with the baptismal font and the cream cheese.::
::Awaits pending damnation.::

I'm like the verbosity fairy, I guess?

[Midnight Son]

And for anyone who was wondering how my little dilemma worked out, I will tell ye. It was at the Theatre Company banquet, where all the awards and stuff for the year are passed out. I was just announced as the new president after an election that came down to three votes that occured almost a month ago, so I was understandably both terrified at my responsibility and on top of the world. I was standing around on the dance floor as everyone gathered around to sign up for the summer show, and she was hanging around as well. We chatted for a while with my 'opponent' from scouts, and when he left I turned to her and said "Look, I think I made an ass of myself the other day." She assured me that I hadn't. I am a complete and total idiot. That needs to be said because I honestly thought after she said this "Good she doesn't hate me. Now that's over with." Thank God that she then said, "We should hang out next year." I almost slapped myself at my stupidity and returned with "Next year? You doing anything Saturday?" She said no, I got her number and now I've just got to call her to figure out what's up.
Just one word: Smoooth.

Okay, more words. Good job, man. Making yourself vulnerable at first was masterful. I love the transition to getting the date for the weekend.

[Syka]

G'job Don! I know, other people tend to pick up on stuff before you do. >>' It's kind of sucky when you find out after the fact that they knew all along.

Matt...Thats...not really healthy. I get sad when I have to go back to school and be three hours away from the guy I'm dating. But I'm not depressed. I miss him, yah, but it doesn't ruin my life (although, right now my life is nada when I'm not at home because all my friends up here are also away). Even when I'm home, I don't have to spend every waking hour with him. It sounds like she needs to learn that seperation isn't always going to be detrimental. And reassure her that you DO want to stay in the relationship even though you are moving. Other than that, I suggest you both explore your interests in regards to clubs, etc. Get involved. Have lives that don't necessarily revolve around each other (but, of course, still make time to talk, etc). Trust me, it helps in the long run. Basing happiness solely on someone else is a recipe for disaster.

Now, if she gets clinically depressed and/or suicidal, she needs professional help. And you need to get as far away as possible until she gets better.

Prince of Cats, I think it was that tendency for people to label themselves as bi but actually be one or the other that makes me shy away from the term. As you said, it's just letting go of the social distinctions.


Cheers,
Syka

[Don Beegles]

Just one word: Smoooth.

Okay, more words. Good job, man. Making yourself vulnerable at first was masterful. I love the transition to getting the date for the weekend.

Well, thanks. You know in hindsight, it worked out extremely well, but at the time I didn't feel like it was praticularly 'smooth'; it all just sort of made sense so I went with it. That's better than smooth any day.

[magicwalker]

Well, thanks. You know in hindsight, it worked out extremely well, but at the time I didn't feel like it was praticularly 'smooth'; it all just sort of made sense so I went with it. That's better than smooth any day.

We did not inherit instincts to ignore them.

'Atta boy.

[BlackStaticWolf]

We did not inherit instincts to ignore them.

I'm confused. Would you mind elaborating on what you mean by that?

[Don Beegles]

I assume he was commenting on my above post to the effect that it worked out because I went with my instincts. At least, that's what I figure because he didn't quote anything, and that's the closest applicable thing.

[BlackStaticWolf]

I assume he was commenting on my above post to the effect that it worked out because I went with my instincts. At least, that's what I figure because he didn't quote anything, and that's the closest applicable thing.

Ahhhhh, yeah. That makes sense.

[Mattarias, King.]

For some reason, I'm starting to feel a lot like Mr. Diver from "tender is the night"..

Anyways, (ugh, hated that book) Thanks for all the advice guys, I guess. I'll see what I can do. I doubt this'll be terribly pretty..

[Syka]

I just need a couple of opinions.

I'm trying to figure stuff out with the guy (I think) I'm seeing. Except...there has never been any official statement that we are dating and he kind of dodged the question when I asked a couple weeks back. I don't want to get anymore attached than I already am, which is more than I like, and I don't want a fwb situation. We've been, for lack of a better word, seeing each other for about seven months. The whole world pretty much thinks were dating. His mom has called him my boyfriend. His grandmother has a picture of us for her fridge. The reason why we didn't date in the first place is because I was moving soon. Well, I've been at school and absolutely nothing has changed about how we interact, other than getting closer.

So: If he was really in to me, would he have no dodged the question and fessed up by this point?

The answer I already got from one friend is if he hasn't committed by now, he has no intention of it and he wouldn't be surprised if he is dating around or looking. Which is actually exactly the answer I expected and had prepared myself for.

You alls views?

[Logic]

I just need a couple of opinions.

I'm trying to figure stuff out with the guy (I think) I'm seeing. Except...there has never been any official statement that we are dating and he kind of dodged the question when I asked a couple weeks back. I don't want to get anymore attached than I already am, which is more than I like, and I don't want a fwb situation. We've been, for lack of a better word, seeing each other for about seven months. The whole world pretty much thinks were dating. His mom has called him my boyfriend. His grandmother has a picture of us for her fridge. The reason why we didn't date in the first place is because I was moving soon. Well, I've been at school and absolutely nothing has changed about how we interact, other than getting closer.

So: If he was really in to me, would he have no dodged the question and fessed up by this point?

The answer I already got from one friend is if he hasn't committed by now, he has no intention of it and he wouldn't be surprised if he is dating around or looking. Which is actually exactly the answer I expected and had prepared myself for.

You alls views?

If he dodged the question once, he will probably dodge it a again, but the question still needs to be asked. If he does dodge it again, then I'll bet he is trying to avoid a true relationship, and is looking for a "Friends with Benefits" situation.

Your friend that says "if he hasn't committed by now, he has no intention of it and he wouldn't be surprised if he is dating around or looking" is probably right about something.

So, bottom line, get him to commit to something before proceeding any further on the path you are on. If he cannot accept a relationship, then tell him he will have to find someone that is looking for what he is looking for (presumably, a "Friends with Benefits" situation.)

Remember that deeds speak louder than words.

[Ranis]

Could you explain the exact event of when he "dodged the question?" Exact words and the intonation of them could definitely mean a lot in this situation.

[Zeb The Troll]

Syka,

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but his dodging a response sounds an awful lot to me like someone who's keeping his options open. The way I see it, you have a couple of options here.

Either way, you should try to pin him down to something. Make him stop evading the question. You have a right to know where you stand.

From there you can go with the option to tell him straight up "look, if you don't want to make the commitment, that's fine, but I need to know that. We can continue being friends if you want, but I need to know where this is going so I can act/plan accordingly."

Another alternative is to let him know that you're open to the idea of him being on the lookout for someone closer, so long as he's willing to be open to the idea that you'll be doing the same. I'm not sure about your views on that, but it's an option. In this situation, you both have to agree that if/when one of you finds someone else, you have to let the other know right away because neither of you wants to be "the other person". Especially without knowing it.

To address the "is he really into me" aspect, I get the feeling that he is, on some level. He's just not as comfortable with the distance as he'd like you to think that he is. I suspect that if you two weren't geographically separated, you wouldn't be in this dilemma.

Hope it all works out for you.

[Syka]

Well, the dodge was over AIM. I said something along the lines of "Are we dating? I don't mean relationship or anything, just dating. I just want to make sure I'm not way off base." His response: "we are what we are." I then said something like "I"m curious where that is." and never got a response. Conversation then continued as normal.

I really wouldn't mind being friends with him. I just don't want friends with benefits. I'm assuming I shouldn't try over AIM again? *grumbles...she's a wimp*

Thank you guys. I pretty much already knew it but...I can't make excuses to y'all as easily as I can myself.

Cheers,
Syka

[Thrawn183]

Syka, you have every right to know where you stand. I agree entirely with everything my peeps above me said, fo' shizzle.

This is what I was trying to get at when I said you should figure out what you wanted out of your relathionship...thing. Limbo isn't fun and quite frankly its beyond simply rude to leave someone there. It's wrong. You shouldn't do that to someone.

Seven months is more than enough time to make up your mind / get over issues of a past relationship. I say the time is now. Sieze the day. (I've currently got the speach from Independence Day running through my head) Stand up, you will not meekly wait for an answer. You will not be treated with such disrespect. Someday, you may be quiet and a wallflower, but today is not that day! Today is a new day for Syka! To arms, to verbal communication, to happiness! (End shameless Independence Day speach ripoff)

In my defense, I haven't seen the movie in years and trying to get the sylables to match up with the exact rhythm and feeling of the speach from the movie... well, I kinda gave up. And I didn't want to come up with something that long. Man I lost twice. I suck. :smallwink:

[Syka]

I just had to say, that made me giggle something fierce. :D

So is that an "I should do it in person"?

Cheers,
Syka

[zeratul]

Advice time for Zer! Ok so there's this girl I'm falling for, however it's verry hard to tell if she likes me as a freind or more.

The question - should I tell her? Some have said I should wait til the school year to do so.

Also, she's friends with one of my sisters, and I wouldn't want to make things awkward between them. Each time I see person in question though, the more I want to tell them.

Advice?

[Callos_DeTerran]

Congratulations Zer, your the receipeint of one of my brief forays into Friendly Banter.

And this is some good advice since I tried it myself and felt much better. Tell her. As soon as possible at best. If nothing else a weight will be lifted from your shoulders and you'll be politely declined and can still be friends.

[Jack Squat]

Go ahead and tell her. What's the worst that could happen?

[Syka]

Go for it. Just don't blindside her, get her away from others, and don't involved alcohol and/or parties. :) You never know if she may like you.

So...now I'm a bit calmer I'm beginning to strike a balance between the worst case scenario (me being used by him) and another plausible scenario. It technically would be long distance, since I live threeish hours away, and I can understand not wanting to do it. He might just not want the distance, but not give up the possibility of us (admittedly, when we first started going on dates he was under the impression I would be moving rather far away than three hours...more like several states). Other than avoiding my question, he hasn't been acting like I'm just a fling or some such and he has been very respectful of when I haven't wanted to do something (which definitely reassured me that he didn't just want in my pants).

I won't know until I ask, so I need to figure out how to do that. I apologize if it seems like I was over reacting. My mind tends to automatically jump to worst-case-scenarios and work backward from there.

Cheers,
Syka

[zeratul]

Seika I'm a 14 year old nerd. Not really into booze or partying. I was considering telling her over email, or myspace message. Since that way it would be less awkward if she said she didn't.

Thoughts?

[Zeb The Troll]

No. Tell her in person. I'd recommend trying to do it in a setting which gives you an exit route if you feel it getting awkward though, instead of you both being stuck where you are.

For example, bump into her at the mall or something. Ask her if you can bend her ear for a minute in private. Tell her your thoughts. After your conversation say something like "Okay, cool. Hey, listen, I gotta go but I'll catch up to you later, okay?" regardless of what she says. Then be on your merry way and take it from there.

Doing it over IM or email only delays the awkward moment until the next time you're actually sharing oxygen. On top of that, for most people it's harder to be mean to someone in person. Not that I'm expecting she would be but you never know. There's also the fact that you don't get to employ or read any non-verbal signals if you're doing it over the wires.

[Pyrian]

Well, the dodge was over AIM. I said something along the lines of "Are we dating? I don't mean relationship or anything, just dating. I just want to make sure I'm not way off base." His response: "we are what we are." I then said something like "I"m curious where that is." and never got a response. Conversation then continued as normal.

People get hung up on labels. People who've been hit over the head with labels ("you're my S.O. and so must/must not do X") are particularly averse to them.

So, you might want to step beyond the labels and into specifics. "Are we exclusive: I.e., are you kissing/messing around with someone else? Or would you feel free to do so if someone else you desired asked? Would you tell me if such did happen?"

[Syka]

I even had my mom tell me not to worry about labels. I'm going to worry about them.

I'm fairly certain we're not exclusive. Honestly, I don't mind as long as it works both ways. Mainly, I want to make sure we're not fwb and/or he's not just stringing me alone. I have asked him in the past to let me know if he was dating anyone else (and specified that he didn't need details, just that there was someone), and he said ok. Nothing about that yet. Now, if he doesn't let me know about another person and I find out....happiness will not ensue. Which is one reason I want to get this figured out. I don't want to have a situation like that occur and have him go "Well, we're just friends."

:) My logic anyway.

Cheers,
Syka

[Thrawn183]

Zeratul, this is an emergency, your avatar doesn't match your name!?!? Why, god, why?

Ok, now that that's out of the way, I 100% agree with Zeb. I find that I seem to be doing that a lot, interesting. In person is the way to go. I should make that into an ancronym: IPITWTG.

Syka, definitely do it in person. That way you get a full eye-contact answer. Refusing a full-eye-contact answer in person... that might as well be an answer as far as I'm concerned (so long, of course, as the person knows a full-blown serious question is being asked). Basically, in person means that you can ensure that an issue in addressed in its entirety. In person gets around not seeing body language/facial expressions. *Ending tactical advice, beginning strategic advice*

I have to admit, it doesn't sound to me like you really really want to be in a relationship with this guy. Disclaimer: this is coming from a guy who believes in monogamous relationships (not that I'm against other people doing what works for them, I just know what works for me). I'm used to people defending their stake. Saying, "back off girl friend, that hunk of man meat over there is MY hunk of man meat." When you say that you'd be okay with him seeing other people... it just strikes me as... like you're not all that serious about the two of you being special and different from what he has with everyone else. It sounds as though if he said that he didn't want to go out with you, you wouldn't even take it very hard (I'm so far out on a limb here, I don't even know what tree I started on, hoping I don't have a coyote moment *absolutely refuses to look down*), if that's the case, you sound to me mostly just like friends with benefits.

I've found that one problem relationships can have is people growing apart without even realising it. Is the passion still there? Do you really want to make this work? Is it even worth your time, your emotion, your energy? I have enough faith in you to know that you can answer those questions on your own and decide what those answers mean to you.

[Syka]

It's not that I don't care about him. It's more I don't have illusions that "we're going to be together 4evar!" When I started with him, I'd literally just gotten out of a 3.5 year relationship. I wasn't looking for anything serious. If it does get serious, I'll be happy. But if it doesnt, I'm happy with just dating right now. After a three and a half year relationship that ended on not so good terms, the worry farthest from my mind is getting into another one and having it turn out the same way.

That being said...I would like to have some sort of relationship with him. It will hurt like all get out if I find out he just sees it as friends (in which case, whatever 'benefits' there are are ending). If we're dating, I can handle us not being exclusive for as long as we are long distance. Once it isn't anymore, then I would expect either for us to get serious or end it and be friends. I know I love him on some level, I won't deny that, but...I dunno. I guess part of me is still scared to do another long term thing which is why I'm okay with casual dating.

Cheers,
Syka

EDIT: Hehe. Yah, I've actually subtly marked my territory in regards to him before. I don't act all posessive right now because I'm still kind of walking the rope. But when I'm actually with him hanging out and all, he's mine for that time. ;) I actually had a server at the coffee shop we frequent go "I'm telling (Syka)!" when he met a good female friend of his there that he hadn't seen in a while. I, personally, thought it funny that I have scouts without meaning to.

[Pyrian]

I'm fairly certain we're not exclusive. Honestly, I don't mind as long as it works both ways. Mainly, I want to make sure we're not fwb and/or he's not just stringing me alone.Well, let's dissect those labels, "Friends with Benefits" and "String Along". Stringing along means that he has no intention of being with you for the long haul (right?). Have you talked about that, specifically? I'm not entirely sure what you're thinking about in regards to "Friends with Benefits", that label gets tossed around enough to mean different things to different people; I'd probably apply it to any casual open relationship.

[Syka]

Friends with benefits: just friends who fool around. No strings attached, no intention of anything further. In theory, no messy emotions are involved.

Dating: actually officially seeing someone with the possibility of it becoming serious. Usually not exclusive but can be. Emotions are expected to be involved on some level.

By stringing me along, I mean letting me think we're dating and then pulling the but we're just friends card if something happens to get me angry (ie- dating someone else behind my back, etc). He has given me vague references to maybe in the future we'd get together, as in when he moves up here. Right now, moving up here doesn't look like it'll be happening for around another year (he has prereqs to take for his major). Which is why I want to figure out where we stand. Dating I'm good with. Friends with benefits, not so much. I tend...to get attached (not stalker attached, but when I trust someone...I trust them). It's a bit safer to do that within the terms of dating.

This is where I get confused. My mind tells me that a guy who was really interested would have taken steps to clear it up by now. But part of me also realizes that long distance...it just doesn't work for everyone. I'm fairly certain the emotional part is there for both of us, and the physical part isn't even moving fast. As someone put it, glacially slow. Which....is where I get confused, and why I'll be talking to him.

*headdesk* Yes, I overthink stuff to death. :smallconfused:

Cheers,
Syka

[Flakey]

Syka,

He may be avoiding the question because he himself may not know the answer. Looks like you two have a major communication gap, probably due to both of you not knowing where this is going.

If I were him, and you talk to him like you have explained to us, I would probably be confused as to what you really want. Maybe unintentional, but you seem to give out the message that at the same time you are happy with the friends with benefits thing, for the moment. You want a more serious comitment now. You will be happy for a serious comitment when he gets to be with you in a years time, and a minor hint you will be happy just to let things drift to where its going.

As some one said above you need a face to face talk, to clear up in both peoples minds what is really happening.

[Syka]

The Gist: I want to be dating. I don't need an exclusive serious relationship necessarily. But I want that option in the future. I do not want fwb. Which is why I'm going to be talking with him, to make sure that isn't what this is. Dating unexclusively does not equal fwb.

Yes, part of me thinks it would be easier to just let the topic be. But I know it's best to try and get it cleared up sooner than later.

Cheers,
Syka

[Aramil Liadon]

Assuming that he's a male on my general level, I'd say you are being so confusing it should take at minimum an hour of consideration to figure it out. Holy mixed messages, Batman! or whatever.
Also, how may 'benefits' are we talking about here?
It will hurt like all get out if I find out he just sees it as friends (in which case, whatever 'benefits' there are are ending). If you intend to deny him the occasional hug just because he isn't intending to marry you, that seems extremely shallow to me (no offense). What if he's afraid of a long-distance relationship, and thus wishes to make sure he doesn't suffer debilitating heartbreak? What if he lives by your own advice?

My thing was, school was stressful as is, why add the matter of a relationship.

Yes, any exaggeration is intentional. And yes, you overthink stuff.


Bah, I hate giving advice. Feel free to disregard.

[Syka]

Egads, I would do that (referring to denying hugs). But I'm not someone who enters into physical relationships lightly. If I kiss someone, it's because they mean something to me. It's been a bit more than that...>>' But that isn't boards appropriate. I hug my friends. I don't kiss and do other stuff with my friends, which is what I'm refering to as benefits. I also understand that he may wish to avoid a long distance, which I also referenced earlier. I'm cool with that.

Keep in mind, other than what I actually quoted myself as asking him earlier, I have not discussed this with him. I was surprisingly straightforward then.

I just need to know where we stand. Because...at it is, we have not really discussed that. And the one time I really did try, he avoided it. I have calmed down, and I'm thinking. I've got a few people whom I'm going to be bouncing ideas off before I say anything to him.

I do sincerely apologize for being confusing. I think I have a handle mostly on the situation, and I thank you all for your advice. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[Zeb The Troll]

It's entirely possible (even likely, I suppose) that I'm not a typical guy, but I understand what Syka means. Or at least I think I do. :smallsmile:

My interpretation: If you boil down the relationship to a scale of 0-5, with 0 being FWB (no intention to invest in a relationship, only in it for the physical aspect) and 5 being Ready To Be Married to this person (total emotional investment), then Syka sees herself at a 1 or 2 but she's afraid that he might only be at 0 and would like some confirmation that he's at least at 1.

Bottom line, have the conversation. Have it in person. There doesn't seem to be a need to rush it, so just set aside some time the next time you guys are planning to be face to face.

[Syka]

Actually, Zeb, that is pretty much spot on. :) Hehe...I think from now on I shall have to use said scale. ;)

Cheers,
Syka

[zeratul]

Hi guys, it's me again. I saw said person yesterday, totally wussed out. I don't think I'll be able to do this in person. I'm pretty awkward in person, I'm more charming in writing. In any case I don't see this ending well in any case. As I said one of my freinds thinks I should have a recon guy/gal find out if she likes me as well. Thoughts?


Soory for interrupting Syka.

[Syka]

Zeratul, I know the feeling.

So far, both times I've been asked out have been over AIM, and I didn't have a problem with it. Granted, in both situations the guy didn't have my number, but in at least one he knew he'd be seeing me come Monday. I think with our generation it's not as...looked down upon necessarily. I'd say start off just by asking her to something casual. If you know her as a friend, say to a movie or to a place to have a drink, or some such. Something that, should she not return interest, be brushed off as just something to do with a friend, but could also be considered a date if both parties agree.

Hehe...you could always do the old fashioned note...:smallwink:

As for recon...eh. I dunno. I've been asked to recon for friends as I was a mutual friend, and I refuse to get involved. Recon can end very nastily, and usually the person knows what is going on anyway.

And no probs. I've pretty much have my deal figured out.

Cheers,
Syka

[Garian]

Ok, here is my delema. I was at a camp about four months ago, where I met this girl we had a lot of fun talking together until half way though the 2nd to last day, when she started ignoring me. When I asked her something she would respond but only would say what she had to then walk away. She did this until the end of the camp. I saw her in a after school class that went on for 10 weeks (she still ignored me) and learned that we will be take one more camp together this summer after that I will most likely not see her again after that camp. I cant think of anything I said that would make her ignore me before she started. I am trying to keep us friends nothing more (for now, what can I say she's awsome). But how do I get past her ignoring me, its very bothersome. :smalleek:

[Syka]

Um...She probably doesn't want to be friends. Perhaps you came on too strongly?

Ask her about it. Something along the lines of "I really valued our friendship, and I was wondering if I did something wrong?" or some such. Other than that, without knowing details I can't give any more advice.

Cheers,
Syka

[Logic]

Um...She probably doesn't want to be friends. Perhaps you came on too strongly?

Ask her about it. Something along the lines of "I really valued our friendship, and I was wondering if I did something wrong?" or some such. Other than that, without knowing details I can't give any more advice.

Cheers,
Syka

Emphasis bold. And it is likely to sound he is coming on too strongly.

[Flakey]

Zeratul,

It may be good to try the note, Syka had good advice on that. DO NOT though ask for a recon. It is bad for you in several ways. Not the least in that every one will know about it.

Garian,

What Syka said. Ask her what changed, and how you miss her friendship. Also be prepared that you may have said something that seemed small to you, but has big significance to her.

I know a woman that was in love, and had a great friendship with a guy, but broke up with him, once she found out his birthday. Apparently their "starsigns" were not compatible. Which to her, dispite it all working so well so far, meant they were doomed in the long run *rolls eyes*. People are not always logical you need to ask the person involved to get a clear answer.

[Stick_Ninja]

Ok, this might sound a bit cliche, but here goes. I'm in highschool and am currently dating a really nice girl, and have been for several months now. Things are good, I like her, she likes me, everything's fine. Or, was. There is another girl, one I met a few years ago at a summer camp we both attend every year. We hit it off and we have become very close friends over the past two years or so. And until recently, I thought of her as just that: a friend. But recently, I've found I'm looking forward to talking to or hearing from her more and more, and I think I'm really starting to fall for her (as much as a teenager can fall for someone, anyway). Here is where another major problem comes in, she lives about 3 states away. Which is very long distance, and I don't think I can handle a long distance relationship very well. Also, the thing is, I still like my current girlfriend. I just seem to have started liking the other girl more. I'm not looking for a very seriousl relationship, hades, I'm still in highschool. But it is quite confusing.

Any advice? (and sorry for the long cliche paragraph...)

[Zeb The Troll]

Ok, this might sound a bit cliche, but here goes.

<snipped for brevity>I'm not sure what you're looking for. Let me bullet point the important parts that I noticed.


You're currently dating a girl that you like.
This other girl lives farther away than what you're willing to indulge for a relationship.

Even if you decide that you're willing to take a shot on the long distance thing, you've obviously got to choose one or the other. (And that's assuming that LDx girl even reciprocates what you think you might be feeling towards her, which is a pretty big assumption.)

To me this seems pretty clear cut. Stay with the one you're already happy dating and don't do anything that would jeopardize that. If you start not being happy in your current relationship, end it and then consider your options. Don't end one for the sake of another. Especially another that you're not even sure about.

I was going to elaborate, but then I decided that I probably don't have to. If I'm wrong about that, I can fill in later.

[Breaon]

Ok, this might sound a bit cliche, but here goes. I'm in highschool and am currently dating a really nice girl, and have been for several months now. Things are good, I like her, she likes me, everything's fine. Or, was.
(snipped for brevity)

Any advice? (and sorry for the long cliche paragraph...)

You're making one large assumption here; that the camp-girl (for the lack of a better term) has any sort of similar feelings for you.

Honestly, go to camp, keep the friendship with her, and resist any temptation to take it further. You'll end up either hurting yourself, yourself and her, yourself and your current girlfriend, or all three of you. If you find yourself starting to think of campgirl as anything more than a friend, turn your thoughts towards your girlfriend, and the things about her that really make you go "mmmmmmmm" and get all warm and fuzzy inside.

/end old_man advice

[Stick_Ninja]

Thanks for the advice. :smallsmile:

[Blackdeath]

What do I do if my relationship with a girlfried is based soley on my ability to prevent suicide?

[Serpentine]

Get her help and back off. It's not fair for you to hold her up all the time, and if it's really that bad then there's a good chance you can't really do her any good by yourself, and she really does need proper help.

[Vampiric]

Get her help and back off. It's not fair for you to hold her up all the time, and if it's really that bad then there's a good chance you can't really do her any good by yourself, and she really does need proper help.

QFT

Not much I can add to that. Although anyone in the thread who feels similar to Blackdeath should also take the advice.

@:Garian - Don't forgo what you have. Ask yourself if your current gf is someone you could seriously consider (for short-term) to stay with until at least the end (secondary school/college? I'm in UK, so 'college' means something different to me...). As mentioned above, think of all the things that make you feel fuzzy inside with your gf.

[Syka]

Blackdeath. Get her to a professional and get away. That isn't a healthy relationship for EITHER of you.

Stick Ninja, what the others said. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[Breaon]

What do I do if my relationship with a girlfried is based soley on my ability to prevent suicide?

Get her to help as fast as you can, whether it be a school councillor, parents, or something/someone else professional. That is hardly what I would call a "healthy" relationship. If you care at all about her, see that she gets the help, but stay by her side while you do.

[Blackdeath]

Thanks, I'll see what I can do.

[Dallas-Dakota]

news update about my situation(to anybody who is currently reading on his own free will,slaves, go read somewhere else)

I had a long chat with the girl I like(stil chatting), so she told me later on in the conversation(which was all about her love life......) that she had a secret relation which they(her and her boyfriend) are keeping quiet, so I told her i'm happy for her(she doesnt know i'm like her) wich I am, though I am a bit sad she doesnt like me.

well, I geuss i'l get over it......

[Don Beegles]

@Dallas-Dakota:

That's a good way to take the situation. There's nothing you can do, so you may as well let it go, and you should be glad that she's good enough friends with you and trusts you enough that she'd tell you the truth about something she wants kept a secret, rather than giving you some lame excuse.

[Serpentine]

Any idea why it's a secret boyfriend? Seems odd.
And yes, you do seem to be taking it quite admirably. Don't forget: chances are you'll still be in her affections long after he's dumped and forgotten ^_^ ...probably

[Dallas-Dakota]

I think it is becouse(names will be altared) :
Bert likes the girl.
Ray likes the girl.
The girl likes ray.
Bert is very obvious about his feelings.(the girl knows them to)
The girl doesnt like bert.
Bert and Ray are close friends.
S ray and the Girl get into a relationship, and then decide to keep it a secret, so they dont hurt bert's feelings.

And then you have me, I like her. But nobody knows.

complicated eh?

-don beegles- thanks

-serpentine-Thanks. I am probably failing(in school), so it is likely that I will pass to another school.......And no she doesnt live nearby...

[Serpentine]

You get switched to another school if you're not doing well? That seems... wrong :smallconfused: Still, no reason that you can't stay friends. I'm still friends with people from my first primary school, and that was... >counts< 4 or 5 schools ago. Letters are a marvelous thing.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I think it is becouse(names will be altared) :
Bert likes the girl.
Ray likes the girl.
The girl likes ray.
Bert is very obvious about his feelings.(the girl knows them to)
The girl doesnt like bert.
Bert and Ray are close friends.
So ray and the Girl get into a relationship, and then decide to keep it a secret, so they dont hurt bert's feelings.

And then you have me, I like her. But nobody knows.

complicated eh?

-don beegles- thanks

-serpentine-Thanks. I am probably failing(in school), so it is likely that I will pass to another school.......And no she doesnt live nearby...

[Vuzzmop]

See? I sidestep this sort of complication by not having any sort of romantic life. Not that it's for that reason.

Anyway. I've had a crush on this girl in my drama class for a while. She knows who I am, and we get along really well, which is a start, but she has no idea I like her.

[Yiel]

@ Vuzzmop:

If you already get along really well and you think she's a pretty down-to-earth girl, you should tell her. Not by being overtly forward, but just hint in passing that she's special to you. She will get the hint and let you know where you stand.

As an adult, I tell people when I like them. Since your a teenager, and teenagers can be cruel (sometimes without meaning to be...), I recommend letting small hints drop that you like her. It will help you better gauge whether you should ask her to see a movie one weekend as friends, or as a date.

@ Dallas-Dakota:

It sounds like you need a cookie, and a hug. *offers both* Give her time. If she is that special to you, stick around. She may be taken in an awkward situation for now, but if something feels right just be there for her.

Of course in the time it may take, you may meet someone who takes your breath away even more than she.

[Dallas-Dakota]

thenks Yiel.
Accepts the cookie, eats it, then accepts the hug.
Currently I am again chatting with her, she knows I like her.
she's O.K. with that.
but still I am happy with her.
Staying around. Will be hard, chances are 0.001 that I will stay in the same class as her.
and like 15% chance that I will remain on the same school with her:smalleek:

still chatting.....

[Ranis]

I wanted to wait a few days before saying anything about this, but I thought I'd let y'all know that I am once again no longer single, and I'm seeing someone who isn't lying about how they feel about me, and hasn't stood me up five times in the same week. ^_^

She's much, much, much more attractive than the last.....one, both mentally and physically. She's got plans with her life, and I'm very happy with her.

We hung out at a rather large mall in downtown Indianapolis on Sunday, and basically hit it off; rather spectacularly I might add. We were standing over a balcony in the mall watching people pass by and she told me about how she had been hurt in a similar fashion I had a while back, and I told her I was sorry and gave her a hug.

She clung to me for a solid 15 minutes, and it felt like I had done something right for the first time in a very long time; the strange thing being that I hadn't done anything different. I was just being me. And that was good enough for her. So, I asked her out and she teased me with it and agreed.

I'm so very happy. ^_^

I know it's not really a relationship woe or advice, but I thought I would share because of how helpful you all have been in the past. Thanks again!

[Serpentine]

Huzzah for Ranis! ^_^ Good for you, lets hope this one works out pleasantly, one way or another.
(also: hurry up and tell me about that avatar :smalltongue:)

Hmm. I don't have many woes or need for advice... Goff's a poo sometimes, and keeps getting crotchety, but eh, at least we talk. There seem to be an awful lot of couples who have nothing in common except a hole and something to stick in it :smalleek:

[BlackStaticWolf]

There seem to be an awful lot of couples who have nothing in common except a hole and something to stick in it :smalleek:

My initial reading of that statement was that both members of the couple are hermaphradites. As that is a patently absurd and obviously incorrect reading, I've decided to keep and embrace it.

It shall be a corollary to the law of no chicks on the internet!



Also, grats Ranis. I hope things work out better for you this time.

[Pyrian]

There seem to be an awful lot of couples who have nothing in common except a hole and something to stick in it :smalleek:Hah, sounds good to me right about now. :smallamused:

[Dallas-Dakota]

Grongratulations Ranis!(i'm currently sounding like one of the npc's of a videogame of mine......)
I wish you a happy love life, I wish you a happy love life and a good girlfriend......

[Don Beegles]

Very nice, Ranis, veyr nice. I love the feeling you get when you realize things are going like they go in movies, and the only script you're following is your instincts. It always makes me feel good about myself. And of course, when it's accompanied by a relationship with a pretty girl, like in your case and mine, it just makes it all the sweeter, eh? :smallwink:

So we finally got to that movie last night. (Ocean's 13, by the way. I recommend it. Not as good as the first, but still very fun.) It was a great time, and made me realize just why I like this girl. The twenty minutes we had before the movie started felt like two because we didn't stop chatting, and then during the movie we both laughed at the exact same spots throughout, even when noone else in the theatre seemed to get the joke. I don't know when we're going out again, but it's not soon enough, even if it's tonight (Which it won't be, but hypothetically.)

[Aramil Liadon]

Yay! Happy happy! That's what we need on this thread.

Also, did I see hugs and cookies being offered?

Syka:
Well, I'm glad you know what you're thinking/feeling now. One more thing: Me + a 'where are we' conversation + a bridge = "Uhhh... Ooh! Fishy!" *splash*. So try indoors, possibly chaining him to a table.

Vuzzmop:
No advice. That might be where I am, so I'll keep my nose out of this one.

[Syka]

Hehe. Yah. Chances are it'll take place in his room, seeing as that is where about 90% of our hangout time is spent. I'm not exaggerating that by much either....>>'

I'm just trying to figure out the logistics now. It'll either be sometime in this coming week, or the weekend after the fourth of July.

Cheers,
Syka

[Breaon]

Hehe. Yah. Chances are it'll take place in his room, seeing as that is where about 90% of our hangout time is spent. I'm not exaggerating that by much either....>>'

I'm just trying to figure out the logistics now. It'll either be sometime in this coming week, or the weekend after the fourth of July.

Cheers,
Syka

You might wanna do it somehwere a little more neutral, in case things go wrong(tm).

[Vuzzmop]

I've never dated before, nor have I told anyone I had a crush on them or had somebody say anything to me. I really just want to get my first one out of the way, but I'm too scared. I'm not shy in any way, except for this.

[blackout]

Ok, well, my new girlfriend Keely and I have hit it off pretty well. We've been dating for the last couple of months, and thus far, it's been good. Nothing too serious, a makeout session once in awhile, and lots of gaming and watching machinima. All of a sudden, she wants me to meet her parents, and vice-versa. My family is obscenely paranoid when it comes to what I do, especially my mother. Except my younger siblings, their just annoying.

I've never actually MET her parents, and vice-versa. She's met the younger kids in my family, as well as my older sister. Both of our families know we're dating. You can clearly see where I'm going with this.

Most important piece of info I require is getting through meeting her dad without making an idiot of myself. This, I think, is the most crucial part of the whole thing.

[Serpentine]

Vuzzy, how old're you? Earlyish high school? I've never been in an all-onegender school, so I can't really give you much advice... It's interesting, though, that you just want to get the first date/r'ship/whatever out of the way... probably not a bad way to go at your stage in life. If you don't get many opportunities, though, it'd probably be a good idea to take the ones you get, especially if you're not out for a Relationship. Just don't expect it to go perfectly - my first was a real dud (for the record, when you do get a date for the love of all that is full of holes talk to the damn person!). And don't forget, girls are people too, and I would hope reasonably understanding (although this is teenagers we're talking about here... don't worry, they grow out of it). Whatever other response you get to expressing an interest in someone, you'll definitely have made her day. I'd say go for it, go on and tell them, but then I had a crush on a guy for the entirety of high school and never told him, though I wasn't exactly subtle (>sigh< ah Steve... so cute, so nice. His cat got shot in the face and survived, though with a mangled jaw...).



edit: Blackout: Offer your hand to shake, and do so firmly without squeezing. Look him in the eye. Be polite. Answer questions fully, not just "yes" or "no". Ask questions back. Make conversation, and make eye contact. If he's a decent guy, he should understand that you're nervous, so don't be too worried about showing it. Make it clear that you really like his daughter, but don't make him uncomfortable (public makeouts are probably not a good idea, for example). Um... I think that's about it. Show them why... Keely was it? Show them why she likes you, and don't forget you have absolutely no reason to be anything other than yourself - as long as you're polite and amiable and good to their child, any problem they have with you is their problem. And don't worry, her dad just wants to make sure you're not gonna knock her up and get her stoned - chances are he's more than happy that you're a geek (unless he's more a jock type in which case... pfeh) ^_^ Good luck
(edit2: by the way, my dad's a social butterfly with usually quite public jobs and I got dragged to a lot of events where I had to impress his bosses and entertain former premiers and sportspeople and other old men. 'course, it's probably easier for me - I could just be cute - but trust me, you don't have to worry about it too much. I made do with pretty much just the above, and at least you have something to talk about other than "so what are you doing at school?" over and over again and presumably he's gonna be more interesting than the 33rd portly balding older man you've met that night)

[Vuzzmop]

Serpentine: I'm in 5th form, don't know what they call it in Oz though, so it's my third year at high school and I'm fifteen. No real problem with being fifteen without a girlfriend, but I've never even gotten close. No crushes, no dances, no nothing, and even my most nerdy friends have done this. I'm serious, the closest I ever got to even dancing with someone was when some girl grabbed my ass at a school ball. Pathetic.

[Serpentine]

Eh, aside from a stupid kiss in front of the ENTIRE DRAMA CLASS in grade two, you're doing a lot better than I was at that age, even at a... I've forgotten the word... 2-gender school, and especially with the arse grabbings:smallconfused: I don't think I even had that til uni... And that's still only from the boyfriend. Do you mean you've never had a crush on anyone, or they've never had a crush on you, or both? If it's the former or the latter, then what're you worried about? :smalltongue: Don't worry, you'll find somebody ^_^ Just have to hope it's sooner rather than later, if you're concerned about it... I'm really not being very helpful, am I? Anyway, it could be worse. A... little later than your age, I think, at a school dance a new guy was just sort of standing there on his own, so I thought I'd go dance with him. I ended up trying to drag him onto the dance floor, and he still wouldn't budge. :smallredface: So embarrassing.

By the way, 3rd year of high school would be... year 9. We have (usually) kindegarten-grade 6 primary school, year 7-12 high school.

[The Prince of Cats]

Most important piece of info I require is getting through meeting her dad without making an idiot of myself. This, I think, is the most crucial part of the whole thing.
There are worse things than disappointing your girlfriend's father; let me tell you a story.

My wife, Linda, first met my parents (properly) on the 22nd birthday, when they took us out for dinner. I was practically living with her at the time. My dad made some slightly off-colour remarks about our relationship, not unkindly, but certainly not what she was expecting. Having weathered some of his anecdotes, she remarked that she saw where I got certain habits from and suddenly she was part of the family.

The next morning, I met Linda's father. At the time, she was staying in his house but he lived elsewhere with a rich widow. It was not what I expected; he came in, asked if Linda had any news, checked his post and left. I think Linda tried to tell him my name and I got a vague smile, which probably constituted the most positive reaction I got out of him without an audience. Apathy is not the kind of reaction I had been hoping for.

--

If this Keely girl likes you, her father will probably like you. Most fathers, I have found, tend to be a little suspicious but generally the worst you have to deal with is a slightly sadistic sense of humour. Also, I tend to get mothers on my side very fast and that never fails to help...

[Breaon]

Eh, aside from a stupid kiss in front of the ENTIRE DRAMA CLASS in grade two, you're doing a lot better than I was at that age, even at a... I've forgotten the word...

The world you're looking for is coed


2-gender school


By the way, 3rd year of high school would be... year 9. We have (usually) kindegarten-grade 6 primary school, year 7-12 high school.

Here in the states, 3rd year of high school is year 11 (aka: Junior year) typically. For me it was Kindergarten-6th grade (elementary school), then grades 7-8 (jr. high school), then 9-12 (high school.) It varies, though. Some jr. high schools are 6-8, others are 7-9.

[Zeb The Troll]

Oooh, meeting the dad. That's never been a fun one for me. On either end. I'll give you my "dad's perspective" on it, having met a handful of my own daughter's suitors.

First and foremost, be polite. When you're introduced, shake his hand firmly and look him in the eye. Call him Mr. Keely's-dad. Say yes, sir and no, sir. At least until he says not to. Some men are uncomfortable with formal address, but it's far better to err that way than the other. Be engaging. Talk about things you like and try to talk about things he likes. If you're lucky, there'll be some common ground somewhere. Don't be afraid to disagree with him, but don't argue with him. You might want to see what his sense of humor is like before you start cracking jokes. Jokes are fine, you just want to make sure there's a chance he'll think they're funny too. Or at least won't be offended by them. If you're there for a meal, offer to help clean up afterwards.

Basically, he's going to be looking for the same thing from you, for his daughter, as his daughter probably is. He wants his little girl to be with someone who's confident, capable, intelligent, and respectful. Even if you have nothing in common, he'll feel better about you if he sees these things in you.

Oh, here's another important topic: how to act with your girl. It's okay to show affection, just don't be flagrant or lewd about it. You can sit next to her and put your arm around her, but don't stick your tongue down her throat. Hugs are good, ear nibbling is bad. He will want to see that you care about her and are capable of showing that you care without gettin' all lust-eh.

Bear in mind that he's probably not thinking all this through, but just has a general idea that he wants to know if you're good enough for her.

To help take some stress out of the situation, you don't have to be his best friend. You just have show him that he doesn't need to hate you. I'd say that if you're getting invited over to meet him, you're already off to a good start. If she thought there'd be undue tension or that he'd not like you for some reason, it wouldn't occur to her to have you guys meet.

I think I've covered all the bases here. Let me know if I missed something.

[Ranis]

Personally, I think that it's best to meet the parents much earlier on, so there's less tension like there is for you now, because if he doesn't approve for whatever reason, it'll create much more stress than if he did when you first met him.

I'll give you some advice from my perspective, and first I gotta say that Zeb is positively head-on.

Show her father who you are, nothing less and nothing more. Show him that you care about her, but that you're not obsessed. If you're not the overbearingly social kind of guy, then don't pretend to be. If you don't like the things he's talking about, then change the subject but keep the conversation just engaged.

The most important thing to remember/keep in the back of your head is this: Keely sees something in you, or she wouldn't be with you in the first place. Show that something to her parents and everything else will fall in line. Promise.

[Pyrian]

Chances are it'll take place in his room, seeing as that is where about 90% of our hangout time is spent. I'm not exaggerating that by much either....>>'That puts the "friends with benefits" estimation rather more likely, I think.


Eh, aside from a stupid kiss in front of the ENTIRE DRAMA CLASS in grade two, you're doing a lot better than I was at that age, even at a... I've forgotten the word... 2-gender school, and especially with the arse grabbings:smallconfused: I don't think I even had that til uni... And that's still only from the boyfriend.I never considered the possibility that schoolgirls might feel slighted by a lack of having their buns groped. It's probably a very good thing nobody ever told me that back then... :smalltongue:

[Don Beegles]

Indeed, Pyrian. If only I had known that two weeks ago, so I could have got my fill of bun-groping before I asked Katie out. Now I've got to play it the right way, so no bun-groping for a few months, at least.

[Syka]

;P Never said what we did in the room. We hang out in his room because his parents normally are either using the tv in the living room already or are asleep, and we don't want to wake them up. So we do all of our movie watching/gaming/tv watching etc in his room. There is a lot of movie/tv watching going on, as we're both into anime and bad horror movies (which sci-fi has a ton of) Trust me, it's not like we just go to his house to hook up. In fact, there is rarely anything that could even vaguely be considered hooking up (and absolutely no sex or phrase with the word sex in it going on). Most of the time, any physical contact is either cuddling or quick kisses. We go on walks fairly frequently as well.

The main reason is because we both are more comfortable being home than out and about generally, which isn't to say we don't go out, it just isn't as frequently as we stay in (not too mention, I'm not a big fan of crowded areas...so it works for me)...and there is like nothing to do in our area except go to movies, dinner, or shopping. Best Buy and Blockbuster are our friends, as is T.G.I. Fridays.

It was the same way with my ex. We would go out and do other stuff, but the vast majority of the time was spent just hanging out.

I did get an idea from a girl I know. She's in a simiar situation where it's pretty complicated, and he may be moving soon (much like I did). The way she handled it was just by saying "What are we?" Thoughts?

Cheers,
Syka


EDIT: I once had a good male friend attempt to grab my bum. He failed and got hit for it. :smallannoyed: It was not appreciated in the least.

[Ranis]

EDIT: I once had a good male friend attempt to grab my bum. He failed and got hit for it. :smallannoyed: It was not appreciated in the least.

As nice as they may look, that is definitely a "look, but do not touch" policy. Period. Grabbing her buns, no matter how nice they may be, is not the way to her heart. It is the first step down Slap Road. Trust me, that's a journey you don't want to make.

On topic, my gal and I are going swimming sometime very soon, in the pool in her backyard. So I get to see her in a bikini, which, to be honest, is something I'm heartily looking forward to. But here's the question: How do I have fun and flirt/etc with her when she's, y'know, 2/3 naked? It's going to be a H U G E distraction for me.

[Zeb The Troll]

But here's the question: How do I have fun and flirt/etc with her when she's, y'know, 2/3 naked? It's going to be a H U G E distraction for me.Errm, wear baggy swim trunks and stay in the deep end?

But seriously, all you have to do is behave the same way as you would in any other setting. Don't ogle. Don't put your hands anywhere that you wouldn't put them in a movie theater.

I have a sneaking suspicion, based on your earlier post about her, that you're going to find yourself having a good time and her state of (un)dress won't be as much of a distraction as you're afraid it is.

[Ranis]

Thanks, Zeb. Noted.

However, I would like the opinion of one of our esteemed females, as well. ;)

[The Prince of Cats]

Say yes, sir and no, sir. At least until he says not to. Some men are uncomfortable with formal address, but it's far better to err that way than the other.
Not to say that Zeb is wrong, but it would be my considered opinion that (in the UK at least) it might be a mistake to be so formal. I mean, I cringe at formal address; it stinks of sycophancy coming from strangers. I put up with it from army grunts, but I don't 'do' sir and I distrust people who try it on me...

[Syka]

What Zeb said. Just act like you always have. This new guy is pretty much the first guy to see me in bathing suit in some years, when we went in his hot tub. Everyone had the "Ohhhhh" reaction when I mentioned it, but nothing happened. We just spent the time talking and myself watching the stars (dun know about him). Admittedly, the look on his face the first time he saw me in my bathing suit was flattering. ;)

And yes, avoiding the placing of hands where they have not yet been. If they have been some place before, chances are it is safe (as long as parents/other people/etc are not around). If not, I'd say wait until you are both fully clothed to try. That is probably one reason nothing happened with us, seeing as his parents room have a window on to the back porch and...even though it was curtained and they were asleep, you still never know.

It may be a distraction, but as long as you don't make it TOO obvious you are admiring her form, you should be safe.

Cheers,
Syka

A little admiring is always good for our egos. ;)

[Pyrian]

I did get an idea from a girl I know. She's in a simiar situation where it's pretty complicated, and he may be moving soon (much like I did). The way she handled it was just by saying "What are we?" Thoughts?Didn't you already do that? And he said "We are what we are"?


EDIT: I once had a good male friend attempt to grab my bum. He failed and got hit for it. :smallannoyed: It was not appreciated in the least.I was joking! :smalltongue:

[magicwalker]

Eye contact. Even if she was naked, when you talk there are two things you should be looking at: her eyes or her lips.

Stop staring. -_-

Edit:

Okay and I want to add, butt grabbing is not a good ice breaker. I mean as the gentleman that I am, I only grab a butt when I really mean it. I wouldn't say 'look don't touch', because staring at a girl's butt can still get you some glares.

BUT if you are intent on grabbing a butt, note that.. it's really not a very strong move by itself. Accompanied with a hug and/or a kiss it becomes a different story, but it kind of lacks the personal-connection of.. just about any other act of 'intimacy' that you can do.

[Ranis]

I know, but....I'll get pictures if I can, then you'll understand how hard it's gonna be.

[Midnight Son]

Eye contact. Even if she was naked, when you talk there are two things you should be looking at: her eyes or her lips.

Stop staring. -_-In my experience, unless she accidentally fell out of her clothes, any girl not wearing them in your presence is going to be mildly annoyed to incredibly pissed, if all you're paying attention to is her eyes.:smallwink:

[magicwalker]

In my experience, unless she accidentally fell out of her clothes, any girl not wearing them in your presence is going to be mildly annoyed to incredibly pissed, if all you're paying attention to is her eyes.:smallwink:

Well, let me clarify: if he's going to be engaging in conversation with her then he really shouldn't let his eyes wander too far... south.

It's been my experience that wandering eyes are generally not well received.

[Pyrian]

I know, but....I'll get pictures if I can, then you'll understand how hard it's gonna be.Interesting phrasing. :smallcool:

[Hushdawg]

Most important piece of info I require is getting through meeting her dad without making an idiot of myself. This, I think, is the most crucial part of the whole thing.


The way I was raised, you'd have met her parents before the first date. :smalltongue:

That being said you have to ask yourself one important question:
"Am I here to play or to stay?"

If you are in the relationship to stay then there is no fear in meeting her parent.

The most important thing you can do is to be yourself.
Parents can sniff out someone who is feeding them a line of bull.
Be honest, be honorable, be respectful but most importantly is be yourself.

Best of luck!

Don't worry about being nervous; when I met my wife's mother and brother I was downright terrified!

[Syka]

Here, here to MS.

I actually have divided my clothes into two sections: stuff where I won't get mad at a guy for staring at my chest, stuff that I can legitimately be irritated for them staring at my chest.

The former consists of cleavage revealing shirts that, while modest by some standards, are less than so with my bust. The latter consists of t-shirts and most of my other shirts, even tight ones, since I chose them specifically for the coverage. The latter is what I wear to school, the former to parties and out with friends.

I can't blame you, unless I'm trying to cover up in which case you should try and not make it obvious you are staring. Those are my classifications for appropriate and inappropriate oogling. :)

As for the butt-grabs...Just because it doesn't come with a kiss or a hug doesn't make it less intimate if it is with a significant other. Sometimes they might just be walking by, and go "Hmm...*grab*" out of appreciation. Now, if it is just some random guy, then it is creepy. If it's a friend, chances are it will be accompanied by a hug to facilitate the attempt (as mine was).

In other news: I just encountered one of a bug-phobics worst nightmares (and I'm one of them). I went to go for a walk and I see a cloud, "Hm, that's a lot of pollen but it has been raining....OH GOD NO! OH OH OH GOD GET ME OUT OF HERE!." >< I walked into a cloud of small gnat like things. It was horrible...My arms were red because I kept trying to brush them off and I keep finding them in my room now. One was even on my glasses. *twitch* I tried to continue my walk, but I couldn't I was so paranoid. *doubletwitch* I can still feel them *shudder*

Cheers,
Syka...Who is still bugging out, no pun intended.


EDIT: About meeting the parents. Act polite, nice, and interesting and you should be good. I've so far dealt with two sets of meeting the parent's, both of which went over good and without stress. Just don't make it into a big deal. Say, go to dinner with them or something as opposed to being caged in the living room. When the guy I'm seeing first met my mom we were out for coffee for the first time and she had come to pick me up early. He stood up, shook her hand, introduced himself, etc. She liked him right away. ;)

[Zeb The Troll]

Not to say that Zeb is wrong, but it would be my considered opinion that (in the UK at least) it might be a mistake to be so formal. I mean, I cringe at formal address; it stinks of sycophancy coming from strangers. I put up with it from army grunts, but I don't 'do' sir and I distrust people who try it on me...No disrespect, PoC, but you're not quite in the position of meeting the guy that's potentially puttin' it to your little girl. It's a very surreal experience. Even if he's not, the thought is there and it's not a comfortable one. A display of respect for dad goes a long way to convincing him that you respect his daughter.

Though I kid about being "old" I'm not terribly comfortable with people calling me Mr. The Troll or sir. However, my point was that, if you don't know dad's feelings on the subject, it's better to be formal and let him tell you that it's not necessary than to be informal and have him get upset.

To that end, and this is also from the dad perspective again, if you call me Zeb on the first meeting, before I tell you it's okay to call me Zeb (and I will if I don't dislike you right off) I'll be a little put off that you don't show me the respect I deserve as your girl's father. And make no mistake, I deserve it.

Now, there are a few fairly painless ways to avoid either situation. First is, your girl can ask her dad what he'd prefer. It's a perfectly reasonable question and it clears the air before hand. Second is, when you're shaking his hand, just ask. "So, what would you like me to call you, sir?" That tells dad that you're willing to be as respectful as he wants you to be. Or she can speculate. If she says to call him Firstname, then you're off the hook if he doesn't appreciate it. But you might want to clarify with something like "Um, Daughter says it's okay to call you Firstname, is that alright?". Oh, and I almost forgot, call him whatever he introduces himself as, no matter what you've heard before. If he shakes your hand and says "Hi, I'm Firstname" that's an out right declaration that that's what he wants to be called. And of course, once it's established that you're on a first name basis, the "sir" business isn't necessary.

Of course, everyone has the right to take my advice or file it under ridiculous. But let me just add this one final thought to it. I'm younger than most of the dads you all are thinking about meeting and those that are older than I am are likely to be more conservative.

@Hushdawg - that almost never happens anymore. One of my girl's dates asked me once if it was okay to ask her out. I was flabbergasted. How could I say no? It didn't hurt that I happened to know him a little bit already. It wasn't totally out of the blue. I even expected them to start dating, but I never expected him to get my permission first. As it happens it didn't work out, but it wasn't because he wasn't a nice boy. :smallsmile:

[Hushdawg]

@Hushdawg - that almost never happens anymore. One of my girl's dates asked me once if it was okay to ask her out. I was flabbergasted. How could I say no? It didn't hurt that I happened to know him a little bit already. It wasn't totally out of the blue. I even expected them to start dating, but I never expected him to get my permission first. As it happens it didn't work out, but it wasn't because he wasn't a nice boy. :smallsmile:

Eh, I'm not that old. I'm 31 and even in High school, the area that I lived in would have looked unfavorably upon a guy who would dare to take a girl out without at least coming in the house and introducing himself first.

When I was 18 though and moved to a city to attend University, I realized how far removed my country lifestyle had been. I insisted on at least calling a girl's parents and introducing myself before we would go out on a date.

Within two years I had been forced to accept that most people found that strange; although I still preferred the old fashioned method to the modern "Come on and hop in my car!" idea.

Now I'm Muslim and have dealt with a whole different set of ethics regarding courtship. I had to clear past the mother and brother (father is gone) before I was allowed to be with the woman who would become my wife face-to-face.

I'm not saying everyone should do that; because there are social dynamics that go into play with this religion that others aren't accustomed to; but it sure was nice for me.

My son or daughter will be raised accordingly.

:smallcool:

[TigerHunter]

*sigh*... alright.
I'm just confused. I've known this girl since second grade, and while we're not dating, we've never gone out with anyone else and have expressed interest in eventually doing so (she claims she's just too busy with schoolwork and other things to have a boyfriend at the moment). Anyways, she's busy this summer (Driver's Ed+French Tutor+general all-around tasks), and we're having a very hard time getting together. This is normal, but lately it feels like she's actively avoiding scheduling anything with me. Then we had this conversation tonight--

[18:44] me: I don't suppose you'd be available this weekend?
[18:44] her: I don't think so
[18:45] me: Could you find out when you will be available? I'd like to do SOMETHING with you this summer. Particularly get you up to Michigan.
[18:48] her: Noooo because I don't know because my family is unpredictable
[18:49] me: I see...
[18:49] her: And no one gets me anywhere. I
[18:49] her: am a sovereign person over here.
[18:49] me: We can pick you up.
[18:49] her: Except for the whole lack of a driver's license thing.
[18:50] her: Yet I still decide where I'm going...and you don't care, do you?
[18:50] me: Don't care about what?
[18:50] her: Exactly.
[18:50] me: No fair.
[18:50] her: If you cared, you'd know what I was talking about. You don't, ergo you don't care, ergo I win.
[18:51] me: Again, no fair.
[18:51] me: I'm asking you which part you're referring to.
[18:51] her: It's more than fair, especially since this is an IM and you can look it up.
[18:51] me: I do.
[18:51] her: You go to a smart school. Analyze the text.
[18:51] her: You do? You are at the exact same time you're typing?
[18:52] me: I'm asking whether you're asking if I don't care that no one takes you anywhere or that I don't care that you don't have a driver's license.
[18:52] her: Figure it out. It really doesn't matter anymore.
[18:52] her: It'd be extremely cool if everyone except those I chose to alert thought I was dead, at some point in time.
[18:53] me: Which list would I be on?
[18:53] her: Because I just read another book where that happened to a "witch." How there can be two, I don't know
[18:53] her: I don't know, I'm not "dead," am I, so it doesn't matter what I would or would not do if I were at some unspecified future time
[18:54] me: I think this conversation took a turn somewhere.
[18:54] me: Anyways.

--followed by about 20 minutes of silence before she logged off.
I'm just lost. I'm clinically depressed and since she's pretty much my only friend, the loneliness is really getting to me. She doesn't even have time to talk with me since I get out of the hospital a few weeks ago.
What should I do?

[Pyrian]

Hmm. Being depressed is not a good time to have to write someone off. Still, I think you have to accept that this is one fish you're going to have to turn loose.

Loneliness is a reasonably common issue with depression and is something you should probably talk about with whomever is responsible for your treatment.

[zeratul]

That is an odd girl. It seems that she doesn't actually want to date you, and is therefor making excuses, and changing the subject. I dunno what to tell ya.

[The Great Skenardo]

If you would like my advice, I would suggest this;
Give things more time. If you recently got out of the hospital, it may not be the time to try and press your suit, so to speak. Without knowing anything more about your relationship with the lady, I would say that you should treasure the friendship you have instead of risking it to move things forward right now.

Also, give her a little bit of time; People get into bad moods sometimes, and unless this behavior persists over a week's time, I think you'll find she'll be friendly again soon.

Good luck.

[Syka]

How old are the two of you? I'm assuming midteenish.

Chances are, if this is a very recent and or rare occurance, she's being hormonal. I kid you not. I do all sorts of weird, paranoid, and irritable things when I'm PMSing. I'm actually looking into switching my pill to help eliminate that. I begin reading into EVERYTHING. I will cry at the drop of the hat, and I get angry with those who are closest to me. Most people don't see that, but the ones who are close to be (mainly family and significant others) get the brunt of it. The only reason the guy I'm dating has escaped it so far is I'm already paranoid enough about messing that up.

Otherwise, was there a point where it seemed to turn? Maybe she has rethought her feelings or something and just doesn't want to tell you. The only person I'm actively avoiding is the guy who won't let go of his crush on me and sometimes acts stalkerish and purposefully insults/starts arguments with me. If not for the last, I could even handle it.

But I have a feeling if it's been fine until this point, it's just a situational 'angry at the world' deal.

Cheers,
Syka

[magicwalker]

TigerHunter: I don't want to sound harsh when I say this, but if this offends you then I apologize in advance. It sounds to me like you are dealing with some things right now. I would advise you to get through your current situation before trying to add another can of worms to the situation. If she's not warming up to the fact that you actually want to spend time with her, then you should try to accept her choice for now. That might be a week, a month, the summer, or whatever... but it really is her choice. There's no point in beating yourself up about something that's entirely out of your hands. You put yourself out there, it's her turn to step up.

Oh, if the problem is just transportation related -it was for me for a while, then you might want to suggest that you'd be willing to go see her. Go take her somewhere. Look into public transportation or if you have an older sibling..

If you don't rush things, you'll have plenty of time to think about everything, and when the opportunity presents itself.. all the pieces will just fall in to place..

Don't rush her, and don't rush yourself.

[Thrawn183]

Oh man, I totally had one of those moments today where I realized that other people can read me like a book about certain topics (namely women).

I had a friend of mine ask me if I liked a mutual friend of ours (which I do) and my mind went, "Man, here we go again." Am I the only one who can keep any kind of secret except who they are attracted to? I mean, I'd really tried on this one. My lips were zipped and my eyes were kept to the right areas.

Oh well, guess I'll just have to ask her out now. (And if you can't detect the humor in.... well the entire post really, please don't scream at me.)

[Serpentine]

Zeb, I think the "sir" thing might be a place issue. In Australia, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone seriously calling anyone "sir" outside of the military. The closest is "Mr Suchensuch", which, by the way Ranis, is the way I'd recommend you went if you were in Australia. But, I have heard it a lot in those sneak peaks we get into the US, so if that's where both Zeb and Ranis are, that'd be the way to go. Oh, and as for the bikini... I'm afraid some of the other posts may have scared you off appreciating her. Don't be:smallwink: but also don't forget that it's just plain manners to look someone in the eye when talking to them:smalltongue:

TigerHunter, if you've been such close friends for so many years, I think it might be worth actually giving her a call and finding out what's going on - or just to have a conversation (IM isn't exactly personal, and it's easy enough to ignore a conversation). You probably shouldn't feel too bad about being confused by that message, but I did get a general vibe that something's upset her. It could just be hormones and the like, but I'm sure she'd appreciate hearing a friendly voice anyway.

[Aramil Liadon]

About formality: if someone were to call my dad 'sir', I'm pretty sure he'd take it as mockery or an insult of some sort. This message brought to you by the eccentrics up the road, southern Ontario.

TigerHunter:
So I, my friends and her are the only ones who talk like that? Because to me, that conversation seemed perfectly normal.

Wow. I go to a forum and what do I find? I'm still weird.

[Breaon]

If I'm addressing someone I have a tremendous amount of respect for, I'll address him as "sir" as part of a sentence. "Thank you, sir, I'll keep that in mind for when..." or some such. Also, amongst good friends, we'll use it back and forth to one another.

[averagejoe]

Well, my sister's boyfriend calls my father sir, and my dad definitly likes it. Sir isn't used as commonly in America as it once was, but there are a lot of people who like it, and it's a good idea to use it for anyone who has any sort of authority over you. I have to agree with Zeb on this one. Most people, at the least, won't be offended by sir, and he will at least know you're trying to be respectful.

[AngelSword]

I find that if I'm addressing someone with whom I want their respect, or whom I respect, I still have my military habits of calling them sir or ma'am. Because of this, my last two girlfriends mentioned that their father (or grandfather, in one case) expressed that I was, "a keeper" (In fact, given the situation surrounding my last relationship, I'm willing to bet that her father liked me more than he liked her).

I am also a firm believer that a man should ask a woman's father for permission before proposing. I don't know why; it just seems right to me.

[Flakey]

Tigerhunter :- As people have already said she probably was not in a good mood already, but I am going by this text you put up, and trying to show you a possible cause (going by this text alone) why it got worse.


Particularly get you up to Michigan.


[18:49] her: And no one gets me anywhere. I am a sovereign person over here.

This is what probably sets her off. You do not say you would like her to come/go to Michigan, or ask her to come. You just state it. I am not saying you ordered her up there, but thats what it seems like shes taking it (Or shes taken it that if she says yes thats what you want her to do). Her whole point is your not asking her at "This particular point in time" what she would like to do.


[18:49] her: Except for the whole lack of a driver's license thing.


[18:50] her: Yet I still decide where I'm going...

You already have stated shes learning to drive, and she reinforces that here. It is all about individualism for her. Sounds like shes getting frustrated at being dependant on others for lifts/transport. For a second time she refers to herself as an individual that has choices, which, to her, you do not seem to be giving.


[18:49] me: We can pick you up.


...and you don't care, do you?
[18:50] me: Don't care about what?
[18:50] her: Exactly.

This is taken slightly out of squenece, but I think its the way shes reacting to the text. So shes already said that she is a "sovereign person", and even though your lift part comes before "Yet I still decide where I'm going" the way shes reacting when she breaks off her text, it is that, in her mind, shes told you twice about individuality. So she breaks off what shes saying and comes out with
...and you don't care, do you? She trying to tell you about options in her own way, and you again to her seem to be overiding it by picking on the superficial part of her not having transport to get there. (I think superfical the wrong word, probably secondary concern may be better, since not being able to drive is a concern to her at the moment). When to her, the real problem is you not given her an option on where to go.


Sorry to go at length, this was far longer than I planned, but its one of the main dangers of IM, in your trying to read, write at the same time,and the temptation to make shortcuts (1). Also what a person reads, may not be what a person has writen. These readings are also hugely influenced by what we are feeling at the time aswell. One of the main reasons I never IM when in a bad mood.

As all I have is the text you presented its a guess, but I think an acurate guess.

(1)

Particularly get you up to Michigan.

To you probably meant It would be great if we have time to go around michigan and have fun together.

To her more along the lines we going to Michigan if you spend any time with me.

[Dragonrider]

[18:50] her: If you cared, you'd know what I was talking about.


Wow, my mom actually told me never to say those words to a guy because they are the most manipulative and ridiculous thing a girl can possibly say. "If you cared you'd read my mind."


Sir and/or Ma'am tends to be a southern U.S.A. thing. I was born when my parents were still in college/grad school (dad and mom respectively) so most of their friends were unmarried college students. Therefore, I grew up calling adults by their first names. Now I live in a small town were you're expected to call adults "Mr" and "Mrs". Been a hard adjustment. (For my parents, too; my mom says that whenever people address her she turns around half expecting to see her mother-in-law. :smalltongue:)

As for permission to marry...sure...without getting into religion (which for me, does play a part in that), a second opinion is a good idea anyway, because it would be hard to step back and assess "is this person really going to work out?" when you're that involved. Plus your spouse has to be part of the family, and getting him or her to know your parents is a good step in that direction.

At least, that philosophy worked well in my family. Three quarters of the people we know think that my mom is my dad's parent's daughter, and my mom's parents call my dad the "son they never had".

okay, I'm just a kid, I don't know anything. :smalltongue:

[Flakey]

Not to say that Zeb is wrong, but it would be my considered opinion that (in the UK at least) it might be a mistake to be so formal. I mean, I cringe at formal address; it stinks of sycophancy coming from strangers. I put up with it from army grunts, but I don't 'do' sir and I distrust people who try it on me...

Would have to agree with this position in regards to the U.K. I think almost all men in Britain would regard a boyfriend going Sir to a father to be a crawler, creep, wierdo etc. It would be regarded as very condacending to use in this situation. Even on a first meeting. Mr. <surname> is far more the apropriate introduction, and its almost invaribly replied to as call me <first name>, but it is apreciated by the father that the Mr <surname> has been used initially.

[Vuzzmop]

Dragonrider is right. Women seem to always assume that their feelings are obvious to all around them, and especially expect a boyfriend/husband to know how they feel without asking. Being close to someone doesn't mean that you can read their mind, and that goes for both men and women.

[Serpentine]

Wow, Flakey, that's very... academic. Seems to make sense and everything. Colour me impressed (which I think is a sort of greenish purple...).

[Zeb The Troll]

Would have to agree with this position in regards to the U.K. I think almost all men in Britain would regard a boyfriend going Sir to a father to be a crawler, creep, wierdo etc. It would be regarded as very condacending to use in this situation. Even on a first meeting. Mr. <surname> is far more the apropriate introduction, and its almost invaribly replied to as call me <first name>, but it is apreciated by the father that the Mr <surname> has been used initially.Hmm, I seem to have caused a lot of consternation with this. And it seems I wasn't quite clear in getting my point across.

For the introduction, I imagine it would normally go something like this:

Gal: Dad, this is my boyfriend, Guy.
Guy: Hello, Mr. The Troll. It's nice to meet you.
Me: You too, Guy. Call me Zeb.
/end of formalities.

However, it may go more like this, and this is the situation I was talking about:

Gal: Dad, this is my boyfriend, Guy.
Guy: Hello, Mr. The Troll. It's nice to meet you.
Me: You too, son. Come on in.

Right there, dad has indicated that he'd prefer to stay formal by not giving the go ahead to drop the formalities. However, this doesn't necessarily indicate that he doesn't like you. If this is the case, you would be well advised to keep it at that level until you're told otherwise.

Dad: Come on in and have a seat.
Guy: Thank you.
Dad: You're not allergic to peanuts are you? I'm using peanut oil in the stir fry I'm making.
Guy: No, sir. Not at all. That sounds delicious.
Dad: Good. I forgot to ask before I started making it. So tell me about yourself, Guy. What do you do/want to do?
Guy: Right now I'm blah blah blah but I hope to blah blah in the next couple of years.
Dad: That sounds interesting. Is this something you've always wanted to do?
Guy: Yes, sir. Ever since I was a tadpole.
<etc etc>

Point is, I'm not saying you should start and end every sentence with it. Pretty much just the yes's and no's like I said originally. Don't think of it as being "formal" (it is, just don't think of it that way) so much as being polite. And this isn't a southern US thing either. I was born in Denver and lived in the Boulder metro area until I was a sophomore in high school. My parents aren't southern either. It's just part of what was included when mom told me "use your manners" and it's never failed to get me in the good graces of my date's family.

As a final thought, I will concede that customs and courtesies in other countries may not jive with this, in which case I respectfully plead ignorance. :smallcool:

[Flakey]

Guy: No, Mr the Troll Not at all. That sounds delicious.
Dad: Good. I forgot to ask before I started making it. So tell me about yourself, Guy. What do you do/want to do?
Guy: Right now I'm blah blah blah but I hope to blah blah in the next couple of years.
Dad: That sounds interesting. Is this something you've always wanted to do?
Guy: Yes, Mr the Troll Ever since I was a tadpole.
<etc etc>

As a final thought, I will concede that customs and courtesies in other countries may not jive with this, in which case I respectfully plead ignorance. :smallcool:


I dont think you were that far off, if the father did not go informal on you. Your common experience is then to go to sir, where as in Britiain you will stick with the intial name. as I shown in the re-edit above.
Just a matter of differing customs I suspect, and no consternation taken at all.


@serpentine. Well thank you :smallredface:

*looks for green and purple markers to colour Serpentine with* :smallwink:

[Serpentine]

Well, if anyone ever called my dad "sir" he'd probably laugh at them, make fun of them and/or think they were odd. But, as I said, if you're in the US, and Ranis is in the US, and it seems to be a pretty US phenomenon, then he should be taking your advice.
Someone mentioned asking the permission of the father before proposing? My cousin's now husband did that, but I think I'd be insulted - I'm the one who'd be getting married, it's my life and my choice, why should my dad get a say at all, unless I, say, ask for his advice? Smacks too much of conniving to me.

edit: I'm already purple, so you should only need the green:smallwink:

[averagejoe]

Someone mentioned asking the permission of the father before proposing? My cousin's now husband did that, but I think I'd be insulted - I'm the one who'd be getting married, it's my life and my choice, why should my dad get a say at all, unless I, say, ask for his advice? Smacks too much of conniving to me.

With me asking the father would probably depend on the father, how big he is, and whether or not he owns firearms. Sometimes that permission is just really nice to have.

[Krimm_Blackleaf]

First off, if you're my sister: STOP READING NOW AND GO BACK TO MYSPACE.:smallmad:






I've got kind of a strange woe to admit. A few months ago, my girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me, this was pretty emotionally and mentally crippling to a point where I'm fairly certain my mental health has degenerated. The entire time she still seemed comfortable with... certain intimate actions should the opportunity arise and that she simply didn't have romantic feelings for me. This throws me off whack quite a bit, as I'm still absolutely crazy about her(even though just thinking about her fills me with butterflies and meloncholy).

Now recently, she's been very very flirty with me. Not just 'intimate' but really close... She's acting just like how she did when we first started dating. But other than that she's shown no more signs of wanting to get back together with me at all, even to the smallest degree. Any advice? questions? comments? slander?

[Dragonrider]

It would be easier or harder depending on the parents. I mean, I'm sure they'd appreciate the gesture, because it's showing deference to their opinion and respect for them. If I had a really crappy set of parents who had nothing but negative impact on my life, I'd probably be ticked to ask them. But up until...about the last year, actually, most of "who I am" has been shaped by my parents...so the credit (or blame?) would go to them...and I am who I am because of them, and looking back at myself, I wasn't easy to deal with. So I respect them quite a bit for that, and if/when I get married, I would plan on my fiance and I asking them, or at least consulting them for their opinion.

[Logic]

I will always refer to the father of my Significant other as "Sir" and "Mr. Surname" until he has given me the go ahead to call him "Firstname."
If he thinks "Sir" is a sign of disrespect, I shall have to inform him that "Sir" is not used as a sign of disrespect in my society, and ask him politely if he prefers an alternative form of adress.

I understand that in England "Sir" is usually associated with the Knights, and that not everyone has actually been Knighted. I still don't quite see how that would be considered offensive.

[Dragonrider]

:smalltongue: yeah, I'd be HONORED.

[The Prince of Cats]

Well, if anyone ever called my dad "sir" he'd probably laugh at them, make fun of them and/or think they were odd. But, as I said, if you're in the US, and Ranis is in the US, and it seems to be a pretty US phenomenon, then he should be taking your advice.
I would suggest that, for all of Blair's egalitarianism, the UK is not really a classless society, but we try. Status is a precarious thing here, with class a taboo topic that can only be politely investigated by passive inquisition.

We tend toward a self-deprecation, our national form of modesty, which allows us to accept a loss of status as long as we do not lose face. To maintain formality with a person who is not explicitly our 'better' is condescending at best and aggressively insulting at worst.


Someone mentioned asking the permission of the father before proposing? My cousin's now husband did that, but I think I'd be insulted - I'm the one who'd be getting married, it's my life and my choice, why should my dad get a say at all, unless I, say, ask for his advice? Smacks too much of conniving to me.
I think I told him of my intentions, but without any real request behind it. I was marrying his daughter, not him. I had intended to ask him, but his apparent apathy stuck in my craw.

It had been made clear to us that he would not be paying for the wedding, something I found quite shocking, and that freed me from what I perceive to be the main reason for the tradition. It took a little coaxing to even get him to make his speech.


No disrespect, PoC, but you're not quite in the position of meeting the guy that's potentially puttin' it to your little girl.
I am aware of that. I cannot say that I can even imagine it, if I am honest. I must confess that I have not even had to deal with my little sister's suitors, for which I count myself lucky. I trust her judgement though...


I understand that in England "Sir" is usually associated with the Knights, and that not everyone has actually been Knighted. I still don't quite see how that would be considered offensive.
It comes across as insincere. We have a keen sense of irony, so calling an Englishman of unknown status 'sir' off the bat can be taken in the same way as if I called you 'The great and glorious Logic, may he live a thousand years'...

[Zeb The Troll]

Regarding the permission to wed thing, it's not so much seeking permission as it is getting the blessing of her parents. Like DR said, it's a gesture. It gives you and them an opportunity to find out about any misgivings they may have but haven't mentioned and then discusss them.

I'm not sure that many parents of marrying age girls actually expect it to happen, though.

Krimm - I have no idea what to tell you. I can sympathize, but I have no advice.

[Serpentine]

Prince, were you disagreeing with me, or explaining/expanding on what I said? I can't tell :smallredface: But you did explain why someone might take offense at it much better than I could express - and I did think about it. I wonder if here we have the added slight paranoia of condecension from the whole convict thing.
Talking to a potential father-in-law makes more sense if he's paying for it, I guess, but I'd still prefer that I be present at the discussion and maybe leave them to it after the news is broken. 'Course, I don't know how much that's likely to come into it - my dad's been complaining about being broke for about 10 years now (and quite justified for some of it), so I don't have high hopes of much contribution from that direction.
...
Someone have a different woe! Or else whoever brought this thing about give an update or something... or not, whatever.

[Logic]

Someone have a different woe! Or else whoever brought this thing about give an update or something... or not, whatever.

I have a lack of a relationship. To me, that is a woe. But, it is probably for the best at the moment. I don't want anymore people to worry than those that currently do.

[Thrawn183]

I call everyone I don't know sir or ma'am. Period. That goes for the bus drivers all the way up to people of professional status. Them I usually refer to as either doctor or professor.

I've had parents of friends ask to be called by their first name but... its very uncomfortable for me. I still usually refer to them as Mr. or Mrs. so and so and respond to dircet yes or no questions with "Yes, sir" or "No, sir"

[Glaivemaster]

I've got kind of a strange woe to admit. A few months ago, my girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me, this was pretty emotionally and mentally crippling to a point where I'm fairly certain my mental health has degenerated. The entire time she still seemed comfortable with... certain intimate actions should the opportunity arise and that she simply didn't have romantic feelings for me. This throws me off whack quite a bit, as I'm still absolutely crazy about her(even though just thinking about her fills me with butterflies and meloncholy).

Now recently, she's been very very flirty with me. Not just 'intimate' but really close... She's acting just like how she did when we first started dating. But other than that she's shown no more signs of wanting to get back together with me at all, even to the smallest degree. Any advice? questions? comments? slander?

Well, I can't entirely say if this is a sign of her wanting to get back together with you or not, but even if she does, I'd say it's a bad idea. In the words of somebody else in this thread who gives better advice than I do, you broke up for a reason. Likely that reason is still there.

If the flirting is annoying you, or making you feel uncomfortable (which it probably is) it might be a good idea to talk to her about it, and maybe ask her why she's doing it, or that it's making you feel uncomfortable. If you don't have a problem with it, I'd just say leave it alone, and she'll probably get bored and stop eventually

[Ranis]

I've got kind of a strange woe to admit. A few months ago, my girlfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me, this was pretty emotionally and mentally crippling to a point where I'm fairly certain my mental health has degenerated. The entire time she still seemed comfortable with... certain intimate actions should the opportunity arise and that she simply didn't have romantic feelings for me. This throws me off whack quite a bit, as I'm still absolutely crazy about her(even though just thinking about her fills me with butterflies and meloncholy).

Now recently, she's been very very flirty with me. Not just 'intimate' but really close... She's acting just like how she did when we first started dating. But other than that she's shown no more signs of wanting to get back together with me at all, even to the smallest degree. Any advice? questions? comments? slander?

Sorry bud, but the first thing that comes to mind after reading this is. 'Wow, what a b****h.'

Did you ever talk about how you both liked certain things? Communication is the key to any relationship, period. If you weren't making sure she was comfortable with certain "intimate actions," then maybe wasn't, and you never asked her.

Maybe she's testing you. (This really grinds my gears, btw.) Maybe she's seeing how you're doing without her, and if you can be happy without her in your life, then you're a winner. Believe me, I know that this is hard to do on an extreme level, but if your mental health has declined, this is not good at all. Find a creative outlet to fill in the gaps that she was filling. Use that extra time you have to do things that you enjoy. Don't shirk your friends over something like a girl. It's not worth it, for that exact reason that she tossed you on your butt.

Any more information you can give about the situation would be helpful if you'd like more specific help, Krimm.

[Serpentine]

...of course, it could be that she does want to get back together, but is being a little too subtle about letting you know... Sorry, just offering you some alternatives :smalltongue:

[Don Beegles]

Regarding calling here dad 'Sir', I find that where I'm from (New England), it always works fairly well. My dad's from Texas, and he raised me to address any adult as Sir or Ma'am until they told me otherwise, and it's never failed me. I have a bad habit of using it every other sentence, and I've never had a problem where someone thought I was mocking them, and while some people probably think it sounds archaic, I think most people appreciate the respect.

The biggest issue, is being sincere about it. If you throw a term of respect around like a machine gun, it will probably seem like you're trying to hard to get on his good side or like you're being condescending, which is never a good vibe to give him. If, on the other hand, you only use it where it's appropriate("Yes, sir, I love steak tartare." "No sir, I don't have a license" "Well, sir, it happened like this...") and it comes naturally to you, with no more special emphasis than you'd give their name, then it works well.

[CurlyKitGirl]

I would suggest that, for all of Blair's egalitarianism, the UK is not really a classless society, but we try. Status is a precarious thing here, with class a taboo topic that can only be politely investigated by passive inquisition.

We tend toward a self-deprecation, our national form of modesty, which allows us to accept a loss of status as long as we do not lose face. To maintain formality with a person who is not explicitly our 'better' is condescending at best and aggressively insulting at worst.


It comes across as insincere. We have a keen sense of irony, so calling an Englishman of unknown status 'sir' off the bat can be taken in the same way as if I called you 'The great and glorious Logic, may he live a thousand years'...


Ditto. Down in the South West of England(where I am) it comes across as insincere in some cases. Sir or Ma'am/occaisionally Miss/Ms. is generally used for teachers and other proffessions eg waiters, bus drivers, shop assisstants and for strangers. eg "Excuse me sir/ma'am, but could you direct me to ...". But normally too many "sirs" or "ma'ams" sounds really insincere or insulting. The best way to go about using them is occaissionally if you're talking with your partners parents. And always with certain proffessions and strangers. Well, that's how we do it and I wouldn't be surprised if most of the UK/<insert country/culture here> did it that way.
If you aren't sure be respectfull and polite at all times.