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Kurald Galain
2007-06-21, 12:31 PM
There's quite a bunch of (intentionally) silly spells on the web, and sometimes players come up with something great. I thought we could use a thread for that.

This one's a classic:

Bigby's Insulting Hand
(Wizard level 1)

Creates a small magic hand that appears next to one opponent. This floating, disembodied hand then moves to remain within the arc of vision of said opponent, regardless of where the opponent moves or how the opponent tries to get away from it. The hand continually makes insulting gestures at said opponent.

SpikeFightwicky
2007-06-21, 12:53 PM
How about:

Tasha's Hideous Uncontrollable Daughter

Don't have any actual write-ups for it, though.

Keld Denar
2007-06-21, 12:53 PM
Delayed Blast Flatulence

.....Name says it all

For added fun, apply metamagic for the silent (but deadly) version.

Fixer
2007-06-21, 12:56 PM
Evard's Invasive Tentacles

It will get said eventually.

Douglas
2007-06-21, 01:14 PM
Fire(ball) At Will
Sor/Wiz 2
As Fireball, except the blast is centered on the nearest creature named Will in range. If no creature named Will is in range, the spell fails. The creature in question must recognize and accept the name as its own, so the party can't simply dub the bad-guy-of-the-day 'Will' and proceed to use 2nd level spell slots for a 3rd level spell. A wizard could, however, name his familiar Will, have it sneak into the middle of an enemy camp, and let fly. If the wizard fails to adequately ensure his familiar will survive both the fireball and the enemies it will be in the middle of, though, the familiar may refuse to go along with this scheme.

Keld Denar
2007-06-21, 01:17 PM
Contact other Plain
reach out and touch a barbarian tribe near you

Contact other Plane (aviation version)
MAYDAY MAYDAY

Keld Denar
2007-06-21, 01:30 PM
The Circle of 8 of Greyhawk invented some neat spells, but not all of them are as well known.

Bigby's Glove
Wiz 0
Swift Action
Change the color of any existing Bigby's Hand spell

Bigby's Shushing Finger
(Archivist (librarian) only)

Bigby's Groping Hand

Bigby's Limp Wrist

Man, Bigby probably had a hand fetish

Tensor Time!
Tensor's Slipped Disk (ouch)

Tensor's Transposition
(swap locations with Tensor upon casting)

Rary's Mnemonic Lubrication
(for those with slippery minds)

Rary's Pneumatic Enhancer
air pressure baby!

Dramaj's Instant Death
(kill one Dramaj, anywhere)

Mordencanen's Conjuntion
(what's your function)

Mordencanen's Frisky Watchdog
(legs everywhere beware)

Leomond's Secret Chest
(they were fake the whole time, who knew?)

PlatinumJester
2007-06-21, 02:23 PM
Mordencanen's Invisible Girlfriend - she is real. Why don't you believe me?

Bigby's Hand of Skirt Lifting - the true sde of Bigby.

Bigby's Hand Puppet - It's Punch and Judy time.

Moradin's Hammer Time - Can't touch this spell.

Bigby's Outsretched Hand - Talk to the (mage) hand.

Locate TV Remote - guess what this does.

Roland St. Jude
2007-06-21, 02:27 PM
Moved to Homebrew, but if it gets any more 'content light', I'm moving it to Silly Message Board Games.

Wraithy
2007-06-21, 02:33 PM
awaken
(with an ugly druid in your face)

Diggorian
2007-06-21, 04:21 PM
Melf's Acid Reflux
10ft cone of acid that nauseates the target and fatigues the caster. material component: very spicy food.

Rary's Bionic Enhancer
Creates a hook hand or peg leg of force energy for the recently maimed. Duration: permanent, the spell negates Regeneration cast on the target

Mordenkainen's Dislocation
Pops casters joints out of alignment. They are helpless but gain a +10 circumstance bonus to Bluff to feign death.

Dramij's Instant Subpoena
Teleports target to Mechanus, before a tribunal of 1d4+2 epic Inevitables.

Locate Feature
As Identify. :smallamused:

Cruiser1
2007-06-21, 04:22 PM
Here are some more. :smallsmile:

Comprehend Teenager: Allows you to understand the latest slang terms and 1337-speak.

Detect Secret Boors: Determine the Charisma modifier of someone. Allows you to figure out who's worth flirting with in a bar.

Glue Strike: Reflex save or the target can't move next round because their feet are stuck to the floor.

Pee Invisibility: Allows you to get dressed or relieve yourself in private without getting jumped by monsters or laughed at by the rest of your party.

Arcane Blight: An epic spell only cast by deities, this makes an appearance when a Wizard PC exploits game mechanics too much.

The Vorpal Tribble
2007-06-21, 04:30 PM
"Yo momma's so fat she's got negative AC!"

Wall of Yo Momma!
Conjuration
Level: Sor/Wiz 4
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Medium (100 ft. + 10 ft./level)
Effect: Ole woman whose area is up to one 5-ft. square/level; see text
Duration: Instantaneous
Saving Throw: See text
Spell Resistance: Nuh UH!

You summon a moo-moo wearin' old woman and plunk her down whever she can fit. Yo momma cannot form in an area occupied by physical objects or creatures cuz she BIG! Any creature adjacent to yo momma when she is summoned may attempt a Reflex save to disrupt her as she comes into being.

Yo momma can move 20 feet per round, and has a reach of 5 feet. She can slap you silly, able to make 2 slam attacks at a base attack equal to your caster level. These attacks deal 2d6 points of damage each.

Yo momma is 5 inches thick per two caster levels. Each 10-foot square of lard has 1 hit point per inch of thickness. Creatures can hit yo momma automatically. A section of momma whose hit points drop to 0 is breached. If a creature tries to break through with a single attack, the DC for the Strength check is 15 + caster level.

Material Component: A twinkie.

Kurald Galain
2007-06-21, 04:32 PM
Trap The Sole. Anyone want fish for dinner?

It's not a spell, but some old book had the Arrow of Sleighing. No, not of slaying. This one turns into a sleigh a few yards after being fired, hitting for serious concussion damage.

Neek
2007-06-21, 05:06 PM
This thread needs more content. Let's go ahead and throw a fully stated spell out.

Cone of Vomit
Evocation [Acid]
Level: Sor/Wiz 1
Component: S, M
Casting Time: 1 Standard Action
Range: 30'
Area: Cone shaped area
Saving throw: Reflex half
Spell Resistance: Yes

You prepare a potion of an utterly foul substance using spoiled meats, rotting vegetables, and strong, but cheap, liquor--no component of this spell can cost greater than 2 cp, and the spell itself cannot cost the caster greater than 1 sp. The potion will remain enchanted with the spell for 24 hours. Anyone can attempt to drink the contents, but must make a Fortitude save (15) or spend 1d4 rounds vomiting, and is considered to be prone. If the Fortitude save is successful, the person who consumed the potion belches forth a 30' long, 10' in diameter at its greatest cone of vomit, doing 1d4 acid damage to anyone struck by the cone. For every caster level, this spell adds 1d4 damage (for a max of 8d4 damage)

TempusCCK
2007-06-21, 07:45 PM
Bigby's Invisible Boot

Sor/Wis 3

Spell Resistance: no

Save: Reflex negates.

A field of force in the form of a giant boot appears behind the subject, swinging forward into the targets rear flank and knocking them forward 5 feet, plus an additional five feet for every 5 points your caster level check exceeds their reflex save.

Arcane component: Shoe, boot or other foot cover.



This one I could actually see being useful.

Fighter: I charge.

Wizard: I charge behind him and take off my boot.

DM: The enemy before you stands cockily, watching your moves with a hint of amusement on his face.

Wizard: I cast Bigby's Invisble Boot.

DM: The enemy flies forward, utterly surprised at the waving of your boot and muttering.

Fighter: AOO!

BRC
2007-06-21, 07:54 PM
Invoke Monolouge
Targets: Evil aligned characters who believe they have the caster at their mercy.
Effects: The target is filled with a compleing urge to gloat and reveal their entire plan to the caster, including any ways to thwart it (("And unless that lever is pulled, the [thing target wants] WILL BE MINE!"))

Xefas
2007-06-21, 08:01 PM
Magic Imbissile (Imbecile)
Evocation (Force)
Level: Sor/Wiz 1
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Medium (100 ft. + 10 ft./level)
Target: Up to five creatures no more than 15ft apart
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: Yes

You transform adjacent party members into a magical dart of pure force, and hurl them at a target, causing 1d4+1 points of damage to any creatures struck. Party members do not apply their spell resistance to being turned into a dart; only the target of the dart.

After striking a creature, the effected party member reverts back to their normal form in the closest open square to the victim and takes 1d4 points of nonlethal damage due to stress on their body.

At level 1, you can hurl one imbecile, plus an additional imbecile for every 2 caster levels above 1st, up to a maximum of 5 imbeciles.

brian c
2007-06-21, 08:43 PM
Mordenkainen's Dislocation
Pops casters joints out of alignment. They are helpless but gain a +10 circumstance bonus to Bluff to feign death.

Heh... that could be useful though, it also adds +10 to Escape Artist checks :smallbiggrin:

psychoticbarber
2007-06-21, 09:26 PM
More with the Bigby...

Bigby's Hand of Wedgies

...fairly self-explanatory, I think.

Diggorian
2007-06-21, 11:04 PM
Heh... that could be useful though, it also adds +10 to Escape Artist checks :smallbiggrin:

I guess so. I wanted to make it completely worthless but funny, i.e. silly. Being helpless I guess an ally can pull ya out of bonds. :smallamused:

More!

Bigby's Stage Hand
As Unseen Servant, but the servant can produce mist, light effects, and blow your cloak to flowing in a way that spotlights your glory.

EyeBright
Your eyes glow with intense light, blinding you for the duration of the spell. Light sensitive foes suffer Tasha's Hideous Laughter from irony.

Magic circle against the Wall
A glowing 5ft diameter circle of light takes shape at the nearest corner to you. Any whom violate their alignment must stand in it facing the corner for 5 minutes, thinking about what they did.

Blade Bargainer
Spells grants the caster the ability to reduce the price of any slashing weapon by 10%

And the big reveal:

Feather Ball
Conjuration
Level: Clr 2, Sor/Wiz 2
Components: V, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Close (25ft. + 5ft/ two caster levels)
Effect: One or more balls
Duration: Instantaneous
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: Yes

The spell summons forth a compressed ball of downy feathers for you to launch at foes. You may launch one ball, plus one additional ball for every four levels beyond 3rd (to a maximum of three balls at 11th level). Each ball requires a ranged touch attack to hit and deals no damage.

Those hit by a ball are covered in a thick cloud of down. They treat all their targets in combat as having 50% concealment. A full round action of brushing off feathers reduces the concealment to 20%, concealment vanishes after a second full round action.

Material Component: A down pillow costing 1 sp.

Xefas
2007-06-22, 12:54 AM
Prestilitigation
+5 Competence bonus on Perform (lawyer) checks. Also chills, warms, or flavors 1 pound of nonliving material for every successful Perform (lawyer) check made within the duration.

Summon Monster Nein
For the duration of the spell, any time the target casts a Conjuration (Summoning) effect, they must succeed on a will save or lose concentration, ruining the casting.

Touch of Fatigues
The equipment of one willing humanoid creature per 2 caster levels changes to a camoflauge color, the type of which is specified at the casting (desert, forest, or tundra), granting a +8 bonus on Hide checks made in the associated environment.

Callix
2007-06-22, 01:14 AM
I had to contribute...

Wall of Irony
Level: Sor/Wiz 6 (Enchantment)
Range: Medium
Duration: 1 round/level
Target: All creatures within range (caster excluded)
Saving Throw: Will negates
SR: Yes
You wave your arms and chant deep, unintelligible syllables. Nothing much happens.
This spell looks like you are trying to summon up a wall to control the battlefield. You aren't. Spellcraft DCs to identify this spell are increased by 5. If a check fails by 5 or more, they consider it a spell of the Conjuration (Creation) school. The subject knows you didn't summon anything. They just find it irresistably funny to act as if the poor, pathetic wizard had. Designate an area for the Wall of Iron spell. All creatures affected by the spell act as if there really was a wall there.

Aquillion
2007-06-22, 01:20 AM
Delayed Bass Fireball

4th level spell.

This spell functions as a fireball, but the maximum number of dice allowed goes up to 11. Additionally, the explosion makes no sound on the round it is cast; instead, the sound occurs one to five rounds following it (decided by caster at time of casting), dramatically amplified. All hearing creatures within twice the fireball's radius from its original center point must make a fortitude save or be stunned for one round and deafened for a minute; those making their save are merely deafened for a single round instead. Fragile nonmagical objects within the radius of this sound may shatter as if subject to the area-effect version of the Shatter spell.

thehothead
2007-06-22, 02:01 AM
Procrastination
Sorcerer/wizard 1
Range: Self
This spell grants one first level spell to the caster
Focus: watch.

Krimm_Blackleaf
2007-06-22, 02:23 AM
Fire(ball) At Will
Sor/Wiz 2
As Fireball, except the blast is centered on the nearest creature named Will in range. If no creature named Will is in range, the spell fails. The creature in question must recognize and accept the name as its own, so the party can't simply dub the bad-guy-of-the-day 'Will' and proceed to use 2nd level spell slots for a 3rd level spell. A wizard could, however, name his familiar Will, have it sneak into the middle of an enemy camp, and let fly. If the wizard fails to adequately ensure his familiar will survive both the fireball and the enemies it will be in the middle of, though, the familiar may refuse to go along with this scheme.

This is pure evil...:smalleek:



(Hey, guess what my name is?)

Dareon
2007-06-22, 02:31 AM
Delayed Bass Fireball
A similar spell:

Delayed Bass Fireball
4th level, Evocation and Conjuration (Calling)

As Fireball, except, in addition to fire damage, 1 to 5 rounds afterward (Delay set by the caster), 5d10 large fish burst outward from the spell's origin, dealing bludgeoning damage in the same amount of dice as the original Fireball. These fish are still alive, and remain so for 1d6+1 rounds. Anyone entering a square with a live fish is immediately subjected to a trip attempt by the fish. Each bass has a +1 attack bonus and a +1 Strength modifier for this purpose.

Keld Denar
2007-06-22, 07:34 AM
Melf's Acid Flashback
The 60s will never die

Crass Suggestion
Oh no he didn't!

Shocking Gasp
Usually follows Crass Suggestion

Otiluke's Reluctant Sphere
Well, if I have to

Discoball
Night Fever!

Detect Self
The existential version

Detect Weevel
Ward against crop pests

Keld Denar
2007-06-22, 07:53 AM
Tensor's little known cousin Fourier had a transformation too

Fourier's Transformation
Enchantment (Confusion)
Differential Equations 4
Casting Time: Hours upon hours
Effect: Slay one engineering student

Jibar
2007-06-22, 08:27 AM
Ya know, if you did a little work, some of these spells could actually be really useful.
I mean, Discoball, you could make it like Hideous Laughter, but in place of laughter they dance, taking nonlethal damage each round from sheer physical overload.
There could be a Discoball you could destroy to stop the spell.

Bisected8
2007-06-22, 08:33 AM
Attack of the large man eating fish
Conjuration
Level: 5th
Components: A medium sized battered cod and a medium portion of chips (with salt and vinegar of course)
Casting Time: Instantaneous
Range: n/a
Target: All enemies
Duration: 3 min./level
Saving Throw: none
Spell Resistance: none

A large male human is summoned from nowhere, he speaks with a working class accent and counts as a large creature. He will attack the nearest enemy (unarmed strikes) until the spell's duration ends. Once the spell has ended all alcoholic beverages in the area will have mysteriously vanished.

To correctly cast the spell the material components must be opened and waved around so their smell diffuses.

The Demented One
2007-06-22, 12:31 PM
I made a few of these a while back; here they are.

Aganazzer's Ready Light
Evocation: Fire
Level: Bard 0, Sorcerer/Wizard 0
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 swift action
Range: Touch
Target: Cigar, pipe, or similar touched
Duration: Instantaneous
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: No

This spell immediately lights a single cigar, pipe, or similar smokeable. The heat it produces is not enough to deal any damage.

Material Components:
A pinch of soot.

Barlen's Pinching Claws
Transmutation
Level: Bard 0, Sorcerer/Wizard 0
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Touch
Target: Creature touched
Duration: Instantaneous
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: No

You make a touch attack against your target. If you succeed, it feels a crab-like pinching, and takes 1d3 points of damage. This is especially distracting if he was in the middle of casting a spell. The damage dealt is treated as being 3 higher for determing the DC of the Concentration check to avoid losing the spell.

Material Component:
The freshly steamed claw of a crab, consumed during the casting of the spell.

Bigby’s Floating Finger
Evocation [Force]
Level: Bard 1, Sorcerer/Wizard 1
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Short (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)
Effect: Magical hand
Duration: 1 round/level (D)
Saving Throw: Will negates (see text)
Spell Resistance: Yes

This spell creates an immobile, floating, medium-size hand of force that immediately begins giving a rude gesture to all enemies. Any enemy that sees the hand must make a Will save or be forced to attack in preference to you or your allies. It does not have to attack the hand, but it may not attack you or your allies until the hand is destroyed or its duration runs out. It takes damage as a normal creature, but most magical effects that don’t cause damage do not affect it. The hand has an AC of 10 and 1 hp per caster level. The hand automatically fails all saves. Disintegrate or a successful dispel magic destroys it.

Bigby's Obscene Gesture of Disrespect
Level: Bard 2, Sorcerer/Wizard 3
Duration: 1 minute/level (D)

This spell functions as Bigby's Floating Finger except that you may move the hand 10 ft. as a move action. In addition, the hand has an AC or 20 (+10 natural), has 5 hp per caster level, and makes saving throws as its caster.

Kelgore's Luminous Lightbulb
Conjuration and Evocation (Creation) [Light]
Level: Sorcerer/Wizard 1
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: 0 ft.
Effect: Floating lightbulb
Duration: 1 hour/level

This spell conjures a glowing glass sphere, which shines as a torch and orbits your head, much like an ioun stone. In addition, as a move action, you may attempt a DC 15 Intelligence check to double the range of the sphere's light for 1d6 rounds.

Leomund's Instant Alehouse
Level: Bard 1, Sorcerer/Wizard 2
Components: V, S, M

Probably responsible for all the other spells detailed here, this spell functions as Leomund's Secure Shelter, except as above and that the building created is neither protected by arcane lock nor alarm and is not staffed by unseen servants. It is, however, stocked with five kegs of ale. The ale reverts to lukewarm water if removed from the instant alehouse.

Material Component:
A mug full of ale. The ale created by the spell is of the some kind the mug is filled with.

Leomund's Pet Shelter
Level: Sorcerer/Wizard 0
Components: V, S
Effect: 5 square ft. structure

Originally developed to house a young Leomund's familiar, this spell functions as Leomund's Secure Shelter, except as above and that the building created is neither protected by arcane lock nor alarm and is not staffed by unseen servants.

Leomund's Transitory Latrine
Conjuration (Creation)
Level: Bard 0, Sorcerer/Wizard 0
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Short (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)
Effect: One latrine
Duration: 1 min./level

This spell creates a small, wooden latrine of the "pilot and copilot" variety, with a suitably sized hole and a seat back in it. This latrine may be used for exactly was it was intended to be used for. At the end of its duration, the latrine and any waste matter in it dissipate, but any items or creatures that may be in the latrine are unaffected.

Melf’s Acid Trip
Conjuration (Creation)
Level: Sorcerer/Wizard 2
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: 40 ft.
Area: Cone-shaped burst
Duration: Instantaneous, then 1 round/level
Saving Throw: Fortitude negates
Spell Resistance: No

This spell creates a cone of acid (not the “AHH MY FACE!” kind, the “Let’s listen to Pink Floyd” kind). All creatures caught in it must save or become fascinated, as the hypnotism spell.

Material Component:
25 gp worth of hallucenogenic substances.

Mordenkainen's Faithful Hamster
Level: Sor/Wiz 1
Components: V, S, M
Effect: Phantom hamster
Duration: 1 minute/caster level or until discharged, then 1 round/caster level; see text

This spell functions as Mordenkainen's faithful hound, except as above and as follows. The hamster only reacts to creatures that come within 10 ft. of it, is incapable of seeing invisible or ethereal creatures, reacts to figments as if they were real, and squeaks alarmedly, rather than barks. It may only attack creatures in its space. The hamster has a +1 attack bonus and deals 1d4 points of piercing damage.

Material Component:
A bottle of water, a handful of hamster pellets, and a spinning wheel.

Mordenkainen's Mystic Mumbo-Jumbo
Universal
Level: Sorcerer/Wizard 2
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: 30 ft.
Area: 30 ft. radius burst, centered on you
Duration: See text
Saving Throw: See text
Spell Resistance: Yes

This amazingly random spell unleashes a nova of energy. For each creature in the area of the spell, roll 1d100 to see how it is affected, any saves the effect allows, and the duration of the effect.

{table=head]Roll|Effect|Duration|Save
1-15|Turn a color of the caster's choice|1 hour/level|Will negates
16-25|Marked with caster's arcane mark|Permanent|Will negates
26-35|Charmed|1 hour/level|Will negates
36-45|Falls asleep|1 minute/level|Will negates
46-55|Stunned|1d3 rounds|Fortitude negates
56-65|Confused|1d3 rounds|Will negates
66-75|Takes on appearance of race it hates most, as disguise self|1 hour/level|Will negates
76-80|Loses ability to speak 1 language of caster's choice|Permanent|Will negates
81-85|Gender becomes opposite of what it was|Permanent|Fortitude negates
86-90|Blinded|1 round/level|Will negates
86-90|Deafened|1 round/level|Will negates
86-90|Paralyzed|1 round/level|Will negates
100|Reduced to 0 hp|Instantaneous|Fortitude negates
[/table]

Nybor's Insistent Reminder
Transmutation
Level: Bard 0, Sorc/Wiz 0
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 minute
Range: Touch
Target: Paper touched
Duration: Permament
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: No

This spell inscribes a single reminder, no longer than 2 words/level, on a sheet of paper. Whenever the information stored in the reminder becomes critical for the caster to recall, the reminder levitates in front of his face, as long as it remains in the caster's possession.

Otiluke’s Irresistible Daughter
Transmutation
Level: Bard 1, Sorcerer/Wizard 1
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Short (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)
Duration: 1 minute/level
Saving Throw: Fortitude negates (harmless)
Spell Resistance: Yes (harmless)

This spell perfects its target’s face and body, working them into a thing of beauty. The target gains a +10 circumstance bonus on all Charisma-based skill checks made to influence creatures of the opposite gender. This bonus increases to +20 at caster level 5th and +30 at caster level 9th.

Ottiluke's Irresistible Daughter counters and dispels Tasha's Hideous Figure.

Material Components:
10 gp worth of make-up.

Otiluke’s Resonating Smackdown
Evocation [Force]
Level: Sorcerer/Wizard 5
Components: V, S, F
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Touch
Target: One creature
Duration: Instantaneous
Saving Throw: Reflex partial
Spell Resistance: No

You make a touch attack, bitch-slapping your target. If you succeed, it takes unarmed strike damage, is knocked back 5 ft. per caster level, and is knocked prone. If it succeeds, the distance it is knocked back is halved and it is not knocked prone.

Focus:
A black leather glove, worn on the hand used to deliver the bitch-slap.

Rary's Telepathic John
Divination
Level: Sorcerer/Wizard 1
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Short (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)
Target: One latrine, toilet, or similar
Duration: Permanent
Saving Throw: Will negates (see text)
Spell Resistance: No

This poorly thought out spell grants a single latrine, commode, or similar to telepathically communicate with any creature that sits on it. The toilet does not receive any mental scores, leaving its communication abilities similar to those of a rock that the stone tell spell used to speak with--that is to say, not much. Sitting on a telepathic toilet is a somewhat disturbing event, and any creature that uses it must make a Will save or be shaken for 1d10 minutes after.

Rary's Telepathic Lawn
Divination
Level: Sorcerer/Wizard 2
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Short (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)
Target: One lawn no larger than 25 square feet per level
Duration: Permanent
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: No

This ill-conceived spell permanently grants a single lawn the ability to telepathically communicate with any creature within 100 ft. of it. It does this non-stop. The lawn does not receive any mental scores, leaving its communication abilities similar to those of a rock that the stone tell spell used to speak with--that is to say, not much. Because the lawn's persistent telepathy is so annoying, all casters within the range of its telepathy are distracted and must make a DC 15 Concentration check to cast any spells.

Material Component:
Three pounds of fertilizer mixed with the ground-up tentacles of an Illithid.

Tasha’s Hideous Figure
Transmutation
Level: Bard 1, Sorcerer/Wizard 1
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Short (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)
Duration: 1 minute/level
Saving Throw: Fortitude negates
Spell Resistance: Yes

This spell mars its target’s face and body, twisting them into a thing of wretched ugliness. The target takes a -10 penalty on all Charisma-based skill checks made to influence creatures of the opposite gender. This penalty increases to -20 at caster level 5th and -30 at caster level 9th.

Tasha's Hideous Figure counters and dispels Ottiluke's Irresistible Daughter.

Material Component:
10 gp worth of make-up dissolved in a vial of acid.

Tasha's Instant War Zone
Enchantment (Compulsion, Mind-Affecting)
Level: Bard 6, Sorcerer/Wizard 6
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Medium (100 ft. + 10 ft./level)
Targets: 1 creature/level
Duration: 1 round/level
Saving Throw: Will negates
Spell Resistance: Yes

This spell incites a deep-seated rage in its targets. Those who fail their saves gain a +6 morale bonus to Strength and may make a single extra attack at their highest base attack bonus when making a full attack. However, they take a -4 penalty to AC and take 2 points of nonlethal damage each round. Finally, they lose the ability to tell friend from foe. Instead, each round, they must attack the creature closest to them, excepting their own familiar or similar companion, deciding which creature to attack randomly if their are multiple creatures equidistant from them.

Tasha's Sarcastic Messenger
Enchantment (Mind-Affecting, Language Dependant)
Level: Bard 2, Sor/Wiz 2
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Close (25 ft. + 5 ft./2 levels)
Target: One creature or object
Duration: Permanent until discharged
Saving Throw: No
Spell Resistance: Yes

This spell imbues the chosen object or creature with an enchanted mouth that suddenly appears and viciously taunts the next creature to touch the object. The taunted creature must make A DC 13 Cha check to come up with a sufficiently witty retort. If he fails, he takes 1d6 points of Cha damage.

Material Component:
The tongue of a being with Cha 13 or greater, dissolved in 10 gp worth of acid.

Tallis
2007-06-22, 03:22 PM
I had to contribute...

Wall of Irony
Level: Sor/Wiz 6 (Enchantment)
Range: Medium
Duration: 1 round/level
Target: All creatures within range (caster excluded)
Saving Throw: Will negates
SR: Yes
You wave your arms and chant deep, unintelligible syllables. Nothing much happens.
This spell looks like you are trying to summon up a wall to control the battlefield. You aren't. Spellcraft DCs to identify this spell are increased by 5. If a check fails by 5 or more, they consider it a spell of the Conjuration (Creation) school. The subject knows you didn't summon anything. They just find it irresistably funny to act as if the poor, pathetic wizard had. Designate an area for the Wall of Iron spell. All creatures affected by the spell act as if there really was a wall there.

I love this spell! I am so using this when my wizard gets to be high enough level.

TheLogman
2007-06-22, 04:03 PM
Prismatic Fall
Illusion (Figment)
Level: Sor/Wiz 0
Components: V,S,M
Casting time: Immediate
Range: Close
Duration: 1 round/level
Target: Self and 1 other Living Creature/level
Saving Throw: Yes (Harmless)
SR: Yes (Harmless)

This spell is to be used while falling. The Caster casts the spell, and all those affected are treated to a colorful light show. The light show does not negatively affect the target, and does not obscure their vision in any way. The primary use of this spell is to draw attention away from the terrible fate that waits at the end of the fall, simply because the caster forgot to prepare Feather Fall that day.

Material Components: A pinch of colorful dust.

Delaney Gale
2007-06-22, 05:28 PM
Tensor's little known cousin Fourier had a transformation too

Fourier's Transformation
Enchantment (Confusion)
Differential Equations 4
Casting Time: Hours upon hours
Effect: Slay one engineering student

*looks up at whiteboard over desk and failed attempt to integrate e^(-ax) from negative infinity to infinity* I think the effect needs to be expanded to include physics students too. Also, could there be the Inverse Fourier's Transformation that would ressurect a student so killed?

That being said, this has a density of win similar to that of a neutron star made entirely of win.

Bisected8
2007-06-22, 05:45 PM
*looks up at whiteboard over desk and failed attempt to integrate e^(-ax) from negative infinity to infinity* I think the effect needs to be expanded to include physics students too. Also, could there be the Inverse Fourier's Transformation that would ressurect a student so killed?

That being said, this has a density of win similar to that of a neutron star made entirely of win.

*looks up from floating point binary maths* Add computing students in there too.

Flawless
2007-06-22, 07:04 PM
Dice Storm

Conjuration
Level: 9
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1Standard Action
Range: Medium
Area: Cylinder (50 ft. radius, 80 ft. high)
Duation: Instantaneous
Saving Throw: Reflex half
Spell Resistence: No

A mighty hail of giant sized dice crushes all creatures in the AoE. Roll all dice you own and currently have with you to determine the damage dealt.
Focus: A small leather bag containing one or more ivory dice worth at least 500gp.

Ichneumon
2007-06-23, 09:47 AM
Magnus’s summoned deck of cards

Conjuration (Summoning)
Level: Brd 0, Sor/Wiz 0,
Components: V/S
Casting time: 1 round
Range: 0 ft.
Effect: One summoned normal deck of cards.
Duration: 1 hour/level

This spell summons a normal deck of cards. It appears in your hands or at your feet. The cards aren’t magical and are typical for their kind.

SurlySeraph
2007-06-23, 10:03 PM
Deadly Death Spell of Making Things Dead By Killing Them Until They Die to Death
Necromancy [Death]
Level: Drd (epic), Sor/Wiz (epic)
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Close (25ft. + 5ft/ two caster levels)
Target: One living creature
Duration: 1d12 rounds, +1 per caster level
Saving Throw: Fortitude Partial
Spell Resistance: Yes

Every round, the target must make a saving throw or die. If the target succeeds on the saving throw, it still takes 3d6 damage +1 per caster level. The damage may kill the target even if it succeeded on its saving throw. Succeeding on a saving throw does not end the spell. Dispel Magic, Remove Curse, and similar spells do not end the spell; the spell only ends when the duration is up or the target has been killed to death.

Aramil Liadon
2007-06-23, 11:10 PM
^ My kind of spell. "I cast Deadly Death Spell of Making Things Dead By Killing Them Until They Die to Death!"

But Dice Storm... Too much damage! That could kill someone!

Bitzeralisis
2007-06-24, 01:59 AM
Donut
Conjuration [Summoning]
Level: Brd 2, Clr 2, Sor/Wiz 3
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Close (25ft. + 5ft/ two caster levels)
Duration: 2 rounds/level (D)
Saving Throw: Will negates
Spell Resistance: No

Shout "I summon you from the deepest depths of the underworld... come to me: donut!" A donut appears on the ground. All policemen are forced to run towards the donut and fight one another for it. Every round that the donut exists they must make a will save to negate the effect for that turn. The donut may be consumed to gain 2d6 health.

Material Component: A pinch of flour.

Callix
2007-06-24, 05:14 AM
Slide Projection
Illusion [Mind-affecting]
Level: Brd 2, Sor/Wiz 3
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Close (25ft. + 5ft/ two caster levels)
Duration: Concentration
Saving Throw: Will negates (see text)
Spell Resistance: No

This spell creates an image of your holiday snaps, changing as you will not more than once per round. You must also narrate in a near-monotone for the duration of your concentration. Each round a creature is within range, it must make a Will save or fall asleep due to boredom. The caster is not immune to this, but gains a +5 bonus to its saves.

Material Component: A small candle.

Callix
2007-06-24, 05:21 AM
Drawmij's Instant Summing
Enchantment
Level: Sor/Wiz 0
Components: V, S, M
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Personal
Duration: Concentration
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: No

You gain the ability to do rapid calculations. You can solve any mathematical problem of up to first-year level as a free action.
Material Component: Pen and paper.

Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mathematics
Enchantment
Level: Sor/Wiz 3
Components: V, S, M, F
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Personal
Duration: Concentration
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: No

You gain the ability to do rapid calculations. You can solve any mathematical problem, regardless of difficulty, as a free action. You gain a +5 bonus on saves against Fourier's Transormation and associated effects.
Material Components: Pen, paper and coffee.
Focus: An abacus.

Kurald Galain
2007-06-24, 05:44 AM
New Cantrips!

Resistance - increases wires by one ohm per level.
Detect Mundane - detects non-magical ordinary objects within 60 ft.
Haze - Humanoid creature of 4 HD or less has to perform a stupid task to be initiated in a fraternity
Flair - increases one creature's charm, grace and wit; +1 to his next charisma check
Ray of Flossed - shoots a bunch of dental floss against an enemy
Disrupt Dead - deals 1d6 damage to one dead creature
Mage Foot - can telekinetically kick an object of up to 5 pounds
Bending - undoes minor repairs on an object.
Massage - great for after a long day of adventuring; combine with Leomund's Sparkling Spa for best effect

Diggorian
2007-06-24, 04:49 PM
Too cruel?

Realness
Necromancy
Level: Clr 5, Sor/Wiz 6
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Touch
Target: Creature touched
Duration: Permanent
Saving Throw: Will negates
Spell Resistance: Yes

You place a curse on the subject that makes them more real than heroic. Choose one of the following three effects.

Real Body: All Slashing weapons have the Wounding magical effect for the target. Piercing weapons do x3 on a crit, or are +1 to their multiplier and reduce the effectiveness of armor (equipment and natural) by 2. Bludgeoning weapons do 1 point of temporary Strength and Dexterity damage in addition to normal damage from bone breakage/bruising

Real Ability: The target's abilities are replaced, in order from highest to lowest, with stats from the Non-elite array (13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8). If the original score is lower than the nonelite counterpoint, keep the original score.

Real Appearance: The target looks like the person playing them, Cha lowers or raises by DM discretion. Failure to bathe, of the player and character, imposes further Cha penalties once again at DM discretion. If the target is an NPC, player consensus replaces DM discretion for judgement.

Each turn, the target has a 50% chance of doing whatever activity their controlling player is doing.

The curse bestowed by this spell cannot be dispelled, but it can be removed with a limited wish, miracle, or wish spell.