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PirateMonk
2007-06-22, 10:03 PM
Welcome to AMEN



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No good Deeds allowed, to thank someone, you could merely just not kill them.
If a individual is assassinated by means of trout, and has now known heirs, the assassin inherits all the person's belongings and debt.
Never reveal the secret forum's easy to uncover address.
Stabbing is allowed and encouraged.
Twister, on the other hand, is not.
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
I will not outsource core functions.
If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.
Parts of the list don't apply to AMEN.
Life has no meanin', meatbag. Only machines 'ave significance, on a cosmic scale.
The Previous Rules really don't matter

------------

The ICBINAs and PM arrive. Construction on the new base commences, and proceeds surprisingly fast. The base is mostly complete by the time anyone else arrives.

Uberblah
2007-06-22, 10:06 PM
Uber appears from the teleporter thingie.
And the point of that was...?
We needed a new thread.
Oh.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-22, 10:06 PM
Rex enters the base and sits in the Armchair.

PirateMonk
2007-06-22, 10:08 PM
"Though, really, we should have waited for the 24th thread."

((Shut up. :smallannoyed: ))

PM gets lightning'd, and disappears.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-22, 10:08 PM
Carlos and Vespe teleport in. They proceed to redecorate the whole base in Beatles/60's stuff. The wallpaper is all psychedelic, there are lava lamps everywhere, etc. Oh, and recordings of The Beatles songs have been godmod wired to play 24/7/365.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-22, 10:11 PM
* Hums Live and Let Die. *

Uberblah
2007-06-22, 10:11 PM
And Uber immediately goes around destroying the decor Vespe and Carlos are putting up.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-22, 10:13 PM
Magtok takes down the wallpaper in his room and labs, and replaces it with a bunch of green 1s and 0s, making it look really Matrixy. He also puts all the lava lamps that come anywhere near his stuff in the trash.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-22, 10:14 PM
Rex pulls out a gun to Uberblah.
"...but if this ever changing world in which we live in, make you give in and cry, say 'live and let die.'"

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-22, 10:17 PM
Carlos and Vespe sigh, and godmod their rooms at least so that the Beatles decor can never be taken down there.

Uberblah
2007-06-22, 10:18 PM
Uber turns and faces Rex.
You are absolutely correct.
Rex may notice a large, running chainsaw sticking out of his stomach.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-22, 10:28 PM
Magtok walks out of his lab, notices the chainsaw, and then goes running back to his lab with his eyes wide and full of terror. Apparently, the cyborg has a phobia of chainsaws.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-22, 10:31 PM
Vespe and Carlos observe the cyborg running and jot this down in a notebook.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-22, 10:32 PM
Fullbladder marches in, still wearing his immensly unweildly helmet. He again takes a post in front of the kitchen, after checking it for certain persons. He appears to have brought a wooden 'Anti-Pie' shield (or so the bright yellow paint declares) as a companion precaution to his crossbow.

"No pies gettin' in here. No sir. This kitchen shall remain Castaras-free, and I may bake cookies in peace."

The goblin begins to twitch.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-22, 10:39 PM
Rex appears behind Uberblah and does the Trademarked Canopener, by wedging his blade between the C. 4 and C. 5 Vertebrae (or upon an insectide form, between the neck-plates), then applies a bit of force to it, popping the head off.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-22, 10:39 PM
Vespe gets into his Spartan suit and stands in front of the new kitchen.
Tonight, we dine in hell!
Carlos continues playing Warcraft 3.

Uberblah
2007-06-22, 11:07 PM
Uber's head pops off then UP creates a new Uber who just opens a book and reads while sitting on the couch.

V Junior
2007-06-23, 02:43 AM
Shots, screams and meows can be heard from Junior's room. She runs out screeching.

IT WON'T DIE! IT JUST WON'T DIE!! STUPID KITTEN!!!

No matter ho meany rounds you pump towards it, or how many spells you cast at it, or even how much GodModding you use, IT WON'T DIE!

Meow. Mrr. The kitten gets out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it. Mrow Mrow mrrr. Mrr. Mew.

Castaras
2007-06-23, 04:37 AM
Castaras looks at the non-castaras kitchen, hmming.

Now does this place have ingredients...

She walks in and looks through the cupboard.

Not many ingredients...but more than I have at the moment. Lower quality, but will have to do...

Magic sends all the ingredients in the non-castaras kitchen to Castaras' kitchen. She then leaves, heading after the ingredients into her own kitchen.

CurlyKitGirl
2007-06-23, 05:16 AM
Curly waltzes into the new thread shouting, "I'm not a bloody cat anymooore! AND I'VE LEFT SCHOOL! Free sweets for everybody." She then proceeds to grad the offline Saurous in her grip and they waltz around the base to the tune of the Viennese Waltz.
After the dance Saur is in the exact place he was before he was made to dance. And Curly then dances the Tango with Magtok.
Curly knocks on the door to Cassies' kitchen and says, "I'm celebrating so would you care to join me in a meal, or a killing spree? I'm so happy!"

Saurous
2007-06-23, 06:39 AM
"Huzzah. New thread for all."

And AMEN rejoiced.

Yay.

Castaras
2007-06-23, 06:45 AM
Castaras comes back out of the portal, muttering.

Stupid player...Stupid delayed deliveries...Stupid problems with ingredients not being good enough for magic...No thanks, Curly.

Saurous
2007-06-23, 09:25 AM
Suddenly, the French inquisition bursts in and...

Saurous kills them before they take three steps into the building.

"No more freaking inquisitions."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 09:26 AM
Magtok comes back online and looks around AMEN with a confused look on his face.

Ugh, I had the weirdest dream while I was offline. Curly was really happy about something, and then suddenly started waltzing with Saur, and then went tangoing with me. Why the hell would I dream something as absurd as that?

Saurous
2007-06-23, 09:28 AM
"That's strange, I had a similar dream, only I lost consciousness in said dream after I waltzed with Curly."

Castaras
2007-06-23, 09:30 AM
Castaras tries not to laugh, but fails her will save.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 09:36 AM
Magtok glances at Castaras, and then tries to look around for his time portal.

There's no way that we could've actually dreamed that, Saur. I've visited my own brain with a high-tech thingamajig once, and there was absolutely nothing that suggested that I'd ever want to dance with Curly.

I'm going back in time about nine posts to see if that stuff really happened. If I'm not back in five minutes, then assume that I've been killed in some horrible accident.

Magtok finds the portal, and leaps through it.

Saurous
2007-06-23, 09:43 AM
"Am I the only one that is hoping that he dies in some sort of horrible accident?"

Castaras
2007-06-23, 09:45 AM
Castaras shrugs.

Would be funny. Unlikely though. And even if he does come back, he'll have gone back in time for nothing. :smallamused:

Saurous
2007-06-23, 09:48 AM
"Well, knowing Magtok, he'd probably shoot himself on sight.

And he didn't even think that it actually happened. Curly and her annoying godmodding."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 09:52 AM
Magtok comes back out of the time portal, with several swords buried in his chest.

Hi everybody, I'm back. While I was gone, I learned four things I didn't know about before.

1. Curly actually did do that stupid dancing thing
2. Swords are very sharp and painful, especially when used to stab someone in the chest
3. That bastard *points at Saur* can injure me even when he's offline and waltzing with Curly.
4. That potion labeled "Healing" that Castaras had lying around is actually a vial of cyanide.

After saying this, Magtok falls to the ground and dies.

Castaras
2007-06-23, 09:54 AM
4. That potion labeled "Healing" that Castaras had lying around is actually a vial of cyanide.

...I thought everyone knew not to trust the labels on my potions. I deliberatly mislabel all of them, just in case one of you lot steals them.

Oh well. Too late now eh? :smallamused:

Saurous
2007-06-23, 09:56 AM
Magtok comes back out of the time portal, with several swords buried in his chest.


2. Swords are very sharp and painful, especially when used to stab someone in the chest
3. That bastard *points at Saur* can injure me even when he's offline and waltzing with Curly.

"In response to number 2: yes, they are. Did you figure that out yourself?
In response to 3: Yes, I'm just that good."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 10:04 AM
Magtok climbs back to his feet, even though the previous post said he was dead. He pulls the swords out of his chest, catches all of the drops of cyanide in a bucket which he shoves into his stomach, and then gives Saurous and Castaras a sly grin.

Ha! You thought I was dead, didn't you? Thought I was *cough* gonna be replaced by another clone? You were *wheeze* wrong! I'm still *stumbles around and nearly falls* standing! It takes more than some poison and a *gasp* few swords to-

The next Magtok clone shows up with a gun, and shoots the old Magtok in the head.

That damn bastard doesn't know when to give up and die... :smallannoyed:

Castaras
2007-06-23, 10:06 AM
Probably.

A pie imp flies onto Castaras' shoulder and whispers something.

Already?

She heads out the base after the pie imp.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-23, 10:12 AM
Dammit, Mag-Clone #345, you finally had a Magtok that was high enough level to actually take some damage, and then you kill him.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 10:16 AM
I had to kill him. If he were to realize his potential, he would've started some AMEN-takeover plot thing, and we all know how stupid and pointless every AMEN plot is.

#345 pulls a sword out of #344, and then looks closely at it.

Hmm...nice sword. Hey Saur, can I keep this one?

Saurous
2007-06-23, 10:22 AM
"No, you can't."

In a Jedi-ish move, the sword spins about in Clone 345's hands, and slices one of them off, before flying back to Saurous.

"This looks like one of my personal swords. I don't give them to just anyone. Unless, of course, they end up empaled on it."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 10:29 AM
#345 winces, and then picks up the severed hand and tries to reattach it.

Technically, I was impaled by the sword, so doesn't that mean the sword is mine?

And what do you think Cassie's doing? Think it has something to do with the fruit and wires on the roof, and that plan or whatever it is with her and Exy? :smallconfused:

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-23, 10:31 AM
"Finally! She's left!"

Fullbladder lunges into Cassie's kitchen, taking many multitudes of baking ingredients. He runs them back to the actually safe kitchen. He tyhen transforms into a crab again and scuttles off to do some Fullbladdery thing.

Castaras
2007-06-23, 10:34 AM
A pie imp sadly watches Fullbladder try and take loads of empty space.

Sorry there, she's all outta ingredients. No pies, no potions, no nothing in here but the last few of us survivors.

Castaras walks back in, carrying a bloodied dagger.

Stupid little deliverymen...

Saurous
2007-06-23, 10:37 AM
#345 winces, and then picks up the severed hand and tries to reattach it.

Technically, I was impaled by the sword, so doesn't that mean the sword is mine?

And what do you think Cassie's doing? Think it has something to do with the fruit and wires on the roof, and that plan or whatever it is with her and Exy? :smallconfused:

"Techinically, it would be his..."

The necromancer points at the previous Magtok, while spinning the sword around in the other hand.

"...but I reclaim it after his death. You can keep all the others that impaled him. There's nothing special about them."

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-23, 10:37 AM
Fullbladder is struck by that realization.

"H-how.... How does she make them s-s-so.... fast?"

He continues to scuttle, only stumbling a few times.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 10:43 AM
#345 nods, and then takes all of the other swords, and then hands them to a robot, who heads to the labs to melt and reshape the metals into some new robot minion.



"H-how.... How does she make them s-s-so.... fast?"

I think its best if we not dwell on that, Fullbladder. Pieomancy works in many strange and mysterious ways.

Castaras
2007-06-23, 10:44 AM
The pie imp shrugs.

We don't know. Pretty powerful pieomancy, probably. Or what Magtok said.

Castaras sheathes the dagger and heads into the kitchen portal.

Saurous
2007-06-23, 10:49 AM
#345 nods, and then takes all of the other swords, and then hands them to a robot, who heads to the labs to melt and reshape the metals into some new robot minion.




I think its best if we not dwell on that, Fullbladder. Pieomancy works in many strange and mysterious ways.

"That's the problem with you non-magic users. You explain everything you don't know of with 'strange and mysterious ways'. Gods work in mysterious ways, clerics work in mysterious ways, necromancers work in mysterious ways, pieomancers work in mysterious ways. Think of something a bit more original when explaining something."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 10:53 AM
"That's the problem with you non-magic users. You explain everything you don't know of with 'strange and mysterious ways'. Gods work in mysterious ways, clerics work in mysterious ways, necromancers work in mysterious ways, pieomancers work in mysterious ways. Think of something a bit more original when explaining something."

Fine. You magicky people all work in stupid, random, and idiotic ways that often accidently screw with reality and explode entire universes, simply because you're too foolish to stay away from that arcane gibberish, and study something less likely to rip the multiverse's face off. Happy now? :smallannoyed:

Saurous
2007-06-23, 10:58 AM
"Well, it is more original, but further proves that you have no idea what you're talking about."

Castaras
2007-06-23, 10:58 AM
The pie imp grins.

That's a pretty good description of Pieomancy, actually.

It gets grabbed by the scruff of the neck by a pale grey hand, and pulled into the portal, as the portal disappears from the base.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 11:04 AM
Magtok gets bored with this talk of magic, and decides to change the subject.

So...anyone have any theories about the whole Cassie and Exy thing? Or the fruit and wires on the roof?

My theory is she's using the electricity and fruit to make a Fruitenstein monster, and that Exy is secretly a love potion victim of hers that she keeps around as a bodyguard. A bodyguard who also happens to be a SPY!

Saurous
2007-06-23, 11:10 AM
"A creature made out of fruit would be just silly. Do you think she has found a way to generate electricity using fruit somehow and is using it to power something?

And I'd have to agree about the thing about Exachix. Except for him being a spy."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 11:17 AM
Hmm...I remember hearing about a potato-powered clock or something...maybe she is using the fruit to power something! Maybe she's charging up the batteries for some ultimate apocalyptic doom machine! :smalleek:

I'm going to send some robots up there to investigate. If they get blown up, I'm going to go take a look myself.

A pair of small robot-birds fly around the roof, trying to figure out what Castaras is doing with all those fruit and wires.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-23, 11:21 AM
RP appears out of the shadows.
You burnt my Naruto DVDs. You ass.
Raistlin runs in with the crossbow and kills Magtok. The body then goes up in flames.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 11:44 AM
Magtok looks down at the crossbow bolt in his chest, and winces in pain. He then takes note of his being on fire, and dumps a bucket of water on himself.

There are more important matters to deal with than killing me again, Raistlin. Right now I have to find out if Cassie is plotting our doom.

Magtok then looks at her offline symbol, and slaps himself in the face.

Damnit, I wasn't quick enough.

Saurous
2007-06-23, 11:50 AM
"For some reason, I think Raistlin is going through a hormonal phase or something. The random violence, the wanting to go through sexual intercorse with random people, that would explain it."

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 12:05 PM
Probably.

Magtok looks through the member page on the wiki, and notices something.

Hmm...maybe we should get rid of our old open-door policy towards new recruits, and just try to send all applicants away? We haven't had a good recruit since...umm...how long has it been?

Saurous
2007-06-23, 12:09 PM
"About back when Vespe joined. Raistlin is terrible, the man whore, and V Junior is a nightmare, and I'm not even gonna say anything about Curly."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-23, 12:16 PM
Hold on a minute...I sense Castaras is offline. Now is our chance!
Vespe creates a barricade around the new kitchen.
That oughta do it...no, wait.
Vespe sets up two machine gun turrets.
That's better. And...did Saurous just say I was the last good member to join AMEN?

CurlyKitGirl
2007-06-23, 02:15 PM
"About back when Vespe joined. Raistlin is terrible, the man whore, and V Junior is a nightmare, and I'm not even gonna say anything about Curly."

"Aww, that's nice Saur. Thanks. Vespe, you were actually complimented by Saur; surprising as that may seem." She looks at the barricade. "I seriously doubt that'll stop Cassie."
She sits down to read a few books, hoping for interesting things to happen.

"Heh heh. AMEN the soap opera. To torment or not...
"Oh dear."

V Junior
2007-06-23, 02:22 PM
Okay, Kitten, I'm giving you ten seconds to get yer furry butt out of AMEN or I fire. Understand? One Two Three... Oh whatev-

Saurous, that Saurina-Lovebot threat stands for calling me names too. Last chance!

V Junior
2007-06-23, 02:26 PM
((Sorry for double post...

What's the password for the wiki? I forgot))


Excuse me, Korith? You're going to sell Junior's soul? I can see a problm with that, actually...

JUNIOR. DOESN'T. HAVE. A. SOUL.

Castaras
2007-06-23, 03:10 PM
(( Vespe changed it because everyone kept using his account to do stupid stuff, if I remember correctly.

So you'll have to create your own account. :smallamused: ))

The robo birds would find loads of wires and stuff leading to a metal rod, which in turn has a wire leading into the distance.

A pie imp flies out of the portal.

Can't talk now! Gotta go gearrgh!

It gets shot by the guns. A pie explosion splatters everyone and everything with more sticky pie.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 03:27 PM
The robot birds follow the wire.

Meanwhile, Magtok #345 chokes on his own spit and dies.

Castaras
2007-06-23, 03:29 PM
The wire keeps on going, on and on, and finally to a rooftop in a nearby village. On this rooftop is a very small bowl of some fruit salad.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 03:34 PM
Three of the birds scout around the village to see what kind of people live there, while one stays with the fruit salad and attempts to eat it.

***
Meanwhile, #346 arrives in AMEN. He pauses for a moment to add up the digits in his name, and then gets really paranoid and runs to his room, locks the door, and loads a double-barrel shotgun as he waits in fear.

Castaras
2007-06-23, 03:37 PM
The village is a ghost town. Or village. Or whatever.

Trying to touch the fruit salad is pretty difficult when an electrical/magical forcefield is in the way. Three animated bananas watch the bird, while an animated orange runs through a nearby portal.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 03:40 PM
The bird attempts to peck at the field repeatedly, in the hopes of either shocking itself to death, or reaching the fruit salad.

One bird flies after the orange, while four others attempt to grab the bananas and fly them back over to Magtok so he can interrogate them.

Mr. Moon
2007-06-23, 03:41 PM
Meanwhile, #346 arrives in AMEN. He pauses for a moment to add up the digits in his name, and then gets really paranoid and runs to his room, locks the door, and loads a double-barrel shotgun as he waits in fear.

The sound of hurried foot steps in the shadows echoes in the room, and a shadow flashes in front of the window. But only for a second before the sounds and shadows dissapire compleatly.

Castaras
2007-06-23, 03:46 PM
The bird attacking the field shocks itself to death. The bird following the orange finds itself in a strangely empty area of Castaras' Kitchen. The orange is busy talking to Castaras, who hasn't yet seen the bird. The birds trying to grab the bananas after a bit of a fight manages to grab them.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 03:54 PM
The birds conitnue to drag the bananas to Magtok, not knowing of his current situation. The bird that went through the portalbends and twists for a few moments, until it looks like a spider. The spider climbs over to a dark corner, and tries to listen in on the conversation.

***
#346 checks the shotgun to make sure its loaded, shoves an armoire of invicibility in front of the door, and then crawls under the bed and waits with the shotgun.

Gotta stay calm...the number I was assigned is just a coincidence...the fact that my room is number 1408 is just a coincidence too. Just a coincid-WHAT WAS THAT? I think I heard something!

Mr. Moon
2007-06-23, 03:58 PM
In the mirror, a shadowed face with glowing red eyes apears above the bed, but if the clone looks up, nothing would be there.

Castaras
2007-06-23, 04:02 PM
The bananas get dragged.

The conversation:

I'm certain! Some weird robotic birds came.
Magtok, I bet. He's probably paranoid about something.
So what should I do?! The bananas are gone!
They'll say nothing.
Okay. So what do I do?
Go get that robotic spy in the shadows there to go back to Maggot.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 04:05 PM
#346 fails to note the mirror, too busy watching the paintings, lights and door for changes.

***

Just before the birds can reach the inside of AMEN, they all accidently drop the bananas, which likely splatter all over the ground.

The spiderbot cracks itself in half, not wanting to be taken prisoner.

CurlyKitGirl
2007-06-23, 04:11 PM
Outside Rm 1408 creepy music from the Omen is heard, strange scrabbling are heard on the floor outside the door. 10+3 delicately thin fingers slip under the door and begin worming their way into the room.

Elsewhere in the base:
Curly is busy redecorating her room. Watching a TeeVo showing Cassie's kitchen conumdrum. A voiceover is heard. "Coming soon: AMEN the soap opera."
"Don't."

Castaras
2007-06-23, 04:12 PM
The bananas fall to the ground. And squish. As predicted.

Castaras smirks at the spider bot.

Cowardly just like its master. Eh well.

She gets up, peers out the portal, and sees how her player didn't actually read Vespe's post properly. Castaras throws a fireball at her player in annoyance, and heads over to the sofa.

Lord Magtok
2007-06-23, 04:17 PM
346 tries to shoot at the approaching fingers, and probably uses somewhere between five to ten rounds on the thirteen fingers.

CurlyKitGirl
2007-06-23, 04:21 PM
The other 10+3 fingered hand had also squeezed under the door. One hand lost eight fingers, the other five. There are still 8+5 fingers coming towards him. Plus the hands and most of the lower body have squeezed unber the door too. Someone's in troubllleeee.

"This Mag-clone has a name other than Magtok. How strange." says the voiveover of Curly's player.

Uberblah
2007-06-23, 04:47 PM
Uber watches the fight between the aparent new girl and Magtok. For added fun, he supplies various tools (such as welders, saws, hammers, etc.) to each combatant.

Mr. Moon
2007-06-23, 05:08 PM
"No. My kill." Says a voice from the shadows, and throws daggers at the fingers. In the darkness, red eyes gleam above a double row of sharp, white fangs, then fade away, waiting for the prey to return.

Eventualy, Saphire runs into the base. "Guys! Emergancy! We need to get ready!" She pauses for dramatic effect, letting the camera zoom in on her. "D'anna is coming back."

Uberblah
2007-06-23, 05:31 PM
Uber is taken aback and is speechless, a poor excuse for his player leaving for a bit. Then Uber goes into action.
Batten down the hatches! Board the windows and doors! If anything, let the things from the kitchen at her!
He goes about doing what he yelled except for the kitchen part. That's a last resort.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-23, 07:48 PM
(( Vespe changed it because everyone kept using his account to do stupid stuff, if I remember correctly.

So you'll have to create your own account. :smallamused: ))


Hehe, but not before I managed to grab myself Admin status.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-23, 09:10 PM
RP begins reading a book about vampires.

Uberblah
2007-06-23, 09:56 PM
Uber finishes securing everything then takes up a post behind the couch, watching the front door with a welding torch in hand.

V Junior
2007-06-24, 03:53 AM
((Vespe/Carlos, I need to be a member of the wiki to post on the forums. Can you please put 'V Junior' as a member?? If you do, you'll get a cookie))

Junior looks at Uber.

What on earth are you doing?

Victoria looks at Uber.

What the hell are you doin', Uber? I mean, there ain't no threat to AMEN right now, is there?

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-24, 09:11 AM
O! Well, I let you in.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-24, 11:47 AM
Vespe and Carlos come walking in.
Dude, Hot Fuzz was AWESOME!
Yeah man, and Spinal Tap was hilarious!
Tonight I'm gonna rock you tonight!
These go to eleven!
Swan!
Playtimes over! Bam! Right in the head!

Castaras
2007-06-24, 11:59 AM
Do I really want to know what you're talking about? :smallconfused:

Castaras summons the marshmallow book again.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-24, 12:07 PM
Movies. Hot Fuzz (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hot_Fuzz), and This Is Spinal Tap (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_is_Spinal_Tap).
Two of the best movies I've seen in ages.
Hey, why do you keep stealing the spotlight? Seems like you're becoming more and more the primary character.
Maybe it's because our personalities are somewhat different?
Maybe. But if you knocked my WIS up a tad, it wouldn't be so.
All right, I'll raise your wisdom and go, all right?
Good.
Carlos does so and leaves.
Vespe paces back and forth trying to think of something to do.

Castaras
2007-06-24, 12:19 PM
Meh. I'm glad my player doesn't really like manifesting here, otherwise I'd be in trouble.
What makes you think that?
Do you want a list?
Nah, not at the moment.
Good.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-24, 12:38 PM
This is Spinal Tap? I love that movie!

Castaras
2007-06-24, 01:00 PM
Castaras switches on the TV, which starts playing This (http://youtube.com/watch?v=tFfZFvvuXWc).

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-24, 02:08 PM
Vespe changes it to this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oZYqAeIdYk) when that songs over.

Castaras
2007-06-24, 02:30 PM
Castaras looks around the base.

Woah...its so quiet...

She turns to a pie imp.

Get the last potions.

A random potion hits each member in the base. Including Castaras.

Curse you, player! Badger? Badger badger badger.

Saurous
2007-06-24, 03:20 PM
"I leave for a day and a half, and this page gains two pages of absolutely nothing."

"What are you so surprised about? AMEN is pointless, and grows extremely quickly. What did you expect?"

"Shut up, and go hide in the shadows or something."

"I only do that when I'm planning on attacking something."

"Do it anyways."

Exachix
2007-06-24, 03:39 PM
"I expected coherency."

Exachix enters through the door and slumps in a chair.

"And Sofas."

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-24, 04:45 PM
* Rex walks in to be hit with a Youth potion.

The child Rex walks up to Saurous. *
Hey mistwer, cwould you pway with me?

Saurous
2007-06-24, 04:54 PM
"Oh, great.

Um, sure. I guess."

Saurous sighs, and makes sure he can jump out of the way if something happens, because, while it is a child, it is still Rex.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-24, 05:03 PM
* Wittle Wexy takes out a ball and tosses it at Saurous so that Saurous can catch it*

Pass it back!

Saurous
2007-06-24, 05:05 PM
Saurous catches it, and tosses it back to Rex.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-24, 05:10 PM
Rex catches the ball and tosses it back, if Saurous is willing, they'll repeat this pattern for some time.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-24, 05:44 PM
Vespe gets hit with a youth potion as well.
Yay!
Carlos comes leaping and bounding in.
I gots a 360! And Dead Rising! The world is a happy place full of joyful happy little cupcake people and marshmallow pies!
Good for you.
Little Vespe walks over to Rex and Saurous.
Can I pway?

Saurous
2007-06-24, 05:46 PM
Saurous smiles at Vespe.

"Sure. How about you two play for a while, so I can go do something else that doesn't involve getting hit by youth potions?"

Saur hands the ball to Vespe the next moment he catches it, and walks off.

Dartonus
2007-06-24, 06:04 PM
Rex gets trampled by hippos yet again.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-24, 06:26 PM
Who's Rex? Little Wexy asks. It is true that Rex Idiotarum is his title, not his name, it seems that he has no memory beyond 6 years of age.

Dartonus
2007-06-24, 06:59 PM
Little wexy gets stampeded by hippos.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-24, 07:05 PM
Raistlin gets hit with a Well-Adjusted potion. His long black hair gets slicked back and his worn armor is changed into a simple suit. His usual British teenager accent is changed into a very prim and proper British accent. He walks up to Little Wexy and Little Vespe.
Hello children. How are you doing today? Enjoying a game I see. Training to become pro Cricket players perhaps?

Saurous
2007-06-24, 07:27 PM
Saurous scratches his head.

"Strange. I can't figure out if this is an improvement for Raistlin, or a diminishment."

Raistlin1040
2007-06-24, 07:52 PM
RP looks over from his vampire book.
Diminishment. I swear, after a while, you're going to hate him. I mean, more than usual.

Saurous
2007-06-24, 07:54 PM
"...do you mean I will hate him equally? Because there is no possible way in this universe or any others that I could hate him more."

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-24, 07:59 PM
*Little Rexy looks up from a mountain of bleeding animal corpses holding a decapitated Squirrel, then tosses Vespe the ball. *

At least it isn't a person that tries to god-mod destruction on everyone.
* Dartonus collapses to the ground of a heart attack and dies *
Hehe.

Saurous
2007-06-24, 08:11 PM
"He has only spoken once thus far after being affected by the potion thingy. He could be just as bad."

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-24, 08:12 PM
Fullbladder begins to point out something obvious, having observed the children play for a short while, and a potion smashes on his face.

Slowly, his wipes a bit off his cheek, and tastes it.

"Hm. Tastes like honey."

Within a second his every exposed orifice begins to smoke, and he runs off, screaming. Shortly he returns, wearing a heavy orange robe with a hood that shows only tiny red dots for eyes. He also appears a bit shorter.

He then points towards Castaras and exclaims a fair bit of near-indecipherable dialogue, pulling out his crossbow for effect.

Saurous
2007-06-24, 08:26 PM
Saurous sighs, mumbling something about everyone jumping onto the bandwagon, when a bottle of some liquid smashes into his face. He attempts to rub it off, but fails. He rushes off, screaming something about it burning his face off.

He comes back a few minutes later, quite a bit shorter, and dressed in a grey hooded sweatshirt and baggy pants. He appears to be about 12 to 13 years old.

"Dang. I was hoping I could 'void this."

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-24, 08:30 PM
Fullbladder walks over to the now tiny Saurous, sputters again in some strange dialogue. Then, suddenly following some long forgotten programming, he pulls a small hovering robot from a pocket.

"Utto nye usabia atoonyoba? Dyo Toineepa."

He holds the small robot out to Saurous, apparently trying to sell it.

Saurous
2007-06-24, 08:32 PM
Saur looks down/up at Fullbladder, and sighs.

"I'm not interested, bub."

Raistlin1040
2007-06-24, 08:35 PM
Raistlin looks around at the gathering.
I daresay, you fine chaps look to be the epitome of good friendship. Let's go catch a football game. What say you?

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-24, 08:38 PM
"Nekkel juuvar obwegadada."

Fullbladder throws his arms up in the air in exasperation. He then walks over to the sofa and plops down onto it, holding the robot as if it were a drink. Within a second a straw emerges from the droid's head, and provides its owner with a refreshing, non-alcoholic beverage. Fullbladder stares at the television, though it is not even plugged it at the moment, with a vacant, red-glowing look.

Saurous
2007-06-24, 08:50 PM
Saur walks over to the television, and plugs it in. He turns on the Playstation 2, and begins playing Lego Star Wars 2.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-24, 08:51 PM
Raistlin walks over to Saurous.
Hello chap. Got room for one more?

Saurous
2007-06-24, 08:55 PM
Saur sighs.

"Here."

The prepubescent elf tosses the second-player controller at Raistlin's head, and then goes back to tossing explosives at everything that moves as Boba Fett.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-24, 09:06 PM
Raistlin grabs it and enters the game as Jar-Jar. just when you thought he couldn't get more annoying.
Droids are shooting at me! That's not very gentlemanly at all.
RP laughs and goes back to reading.

Saurous
2007-06-24, 09:09 PM
Saur smirks.

"Oh, look. I seem to be shooting at you."

The child then chooses to shoot Jar Jar repeatedly.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-24, 09:10 PM
Raistlin responds by making Jar-Jar jump around, dodging the bullets.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-24, 09:10 PM
Vespe continues to toss the ball back and forth with Little Wexy.

Carlos continues to play Dawn of the Dead Dead Rising.
The only thing that worries me about this game? Female zombies go straight for your crotch. Seriously. It's scary.
And the teeny text is annoying. But other than that this game is awesome. No, not awesome...awesome to the 842579348574th power.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-24, 09:17 PM
Rp heads over to Carlos.
Dead Rising huh? Looks cool. Is it better than Resident Evil or worse?

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-24, 09:24 PM
Oh man, are you kidding me? If Resident Evil was an 8 out of 10, Dead Rising is at least a 12. It ROCKS. It is GODLY. I think it should run for PRESIDENT.

Saurous
2007-06-24, 09:26 PM
Boba tosses a grenade in Jar Jar's direction, in an attempt to blow him to pieces.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-24, 09:27 PM
RP coughs.
*cough*Prime Minister*cough*
Jar Jar dies. But reappears a second later and resumes running like an idiot.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-24, 09:57 PM
Hey, look what I got!

*holds up Molten Core Raid Deck for WoW*

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-24, 10:05 PM
Carlos shrugs.
I'd love to play WoW with you, but Dead Rising is too damn addicting.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-24, 10:44 PM
Jawa-Fullbladder grasps, grabbing his chest. Feeling a great disturbance in the Force, he scurries over to Carlos.

He then folds out a stepped stool and climbs onto it to reach Carlos' forehead, which he checks as one checks for a fever.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-24, 10:55 PM
Do I really want to know?

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-24, 11:02 PM
(roughly translated)
You're not playing WoW! Something *MUST* be wrong with you!

V Junior
2007-06-25, 01:18 AM
A potion hits Junior. She wipes it off.

Nice try, Cassie-Player, but it won't work on me! I'm too warped already.

Dartonus
2007-06-25, 04:56 AM
Runs through the mayhem pursued by a large mutant thing.
AAAAAH! level 24 afflicted ritualist! run for your freakin lives!

Saurous
2007-06-25, 10:46 AM
Child Saur sighs, and waves his hands around in the air, almost expecting something.

"Aww, I was hoping this nightmare would be over by now."

Castaras
2007-06-25, 11:15 AM
Well, I would help, but I'm down to my last potion.

Castaras sighs, turning on the TV.

Exachix
2007-06-25, 11:19 AM
Exachix looks over at Child-Saur.

"It could be worse."

Saurous
2007-06-25, 11:32 AM
"Well, could you tell me one way that this could be worse? From your silly optmisitic view?"

Exachix
2007-06-25, 11:35 AM
"You could have your parents here. At least they arn't here."

PirateMonk
2007-06-25, 11:44 AM
Well, I would help, but I'm down to my last potion.

Castaras sighs, turning on the TV.

A note appears in front of her and floats in the air.


What do you need?

-PM

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-25, 12:18 PM
Carlos continues to play Dead Rising.
Why are there always so many zombies in the elevator if none of them can open that door?
Carlos shrugs and keeps playing.

Castaras
2007-06-25, 12:29 PM
A note appears in front of her and floats in the air.



What do you need?

-PM
Castaras hmms.


Basic Pie ingredients as a minimum.

PirateMonk
2007-06-25, 12:39 PM
The ingredients appear under the note. The note turns over, revealing more writing on the other side.


If you need more, just ask.

Castaras
2007-06-25, 12:41 PM
The ingredients appear under the note. The note turns over, revealing more writing on the other side.


If you need more, just ask.

Hmm...so there is an advantage to having a godmodding Belkarite around...

Castaras creates a few pies, adding magical effects. A few of the magical pies disappear, being sent to wherever PM is currently, with a note.


Thanks muchly.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-25, 12:43 PM
Little Vespe comes walking up to Castaras.
Can I has pie?

Castaras
2007-06-25, 12:48 PM
Little Vespe comes walking up to Castaras.
Can I has pie?

A magical pie of random effect splats in Little Vespe's face.

There, you has pie.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-25, 01:09 PM
Fullbladder manages to find his old Starfleet Universal Translator, from his days as El Presidente of the Federation (in another multiverse and timeline, of course). He puts it on, successfully managing to negate the stupidity of Jawaese. He walks over to Castaras.

"And, um, exactly how long shall several of the world's most dangerous (some for reasons OTHER than actually killing people) vilains be infants?"

Glowing red eyes gleam from within his hood.

"And what shall you be doing with these new pies you plan on making, hmmm?"

Castaras
2007-06-25, 01:11 PM
Fullbladder manages to find his old Starfleet Universal Translator, from his days as El Presidente of the Federation (in another multiverse and timeline, of course). He puts it on, successfully managing to negate the stupidity of Jawaese. He walks over to Castaras.

"And, um, exactly how long shall several of the world's most dangerous (some for reasons OTHER than actually killing people) vilains be infants?"

Glowing red eyes gleam from within his hood.

"And what shall you be doing with these new pies you plan on making, hmmm?"

Castaras smirks.

Could be a long time. Maybe a few more days, maybe a few more minutes. Maybe even permanently. And these pies? For this.

A pie with a big gun flies shoots repeatedly at Fullbladder.

Saurous
2007-06-25, 01:28 PM
"I hope to Nerull that it isn't permanent. I can't live like this, as a preteen child! I already did this once in life, I don't want to do it again."

Exachix
2007-06-25, 01:35 PM
Exachix hmms.

"It'll get better soon."

PirateMonk
2007-06-25, 01:41 PM
More ingredients appear in front of Castaras, along with a note.


No good. Try again.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-25, 01:43 PM
"Utinni!"

Fullbladder dives for cover. And instant later a small, used droid rises on repulsor plates to point three small machien guns and one large blaster at the pie.

"Your pies come out, my droids light 'em up like stars!"

Castaras
2007-06-25, 01:51 PM
A note appears wherever PM is.


Well what would you want in return? Utter chaos? Pies? Potions?

Castaras waves a hand at the new ingredients, and they shift into a group of stormtrooper-like pies.

PirateMonk
2007-06-25, 01:58 PM
The note flips over once again.


No idea. I just need to reverse the effects of this potion, and can't do so myself due to my current condition.

Castaras
2007-06-25, 02:00 PM
Ahh I see.

Castaras carefully calls on her powers, watching Fullbladder, creating two potions. She throws one at Fullbladder. The other she sends to PM. The note flips around.


Have an antidote.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-25, 02:21 PM
The thunderstorm that was in Austin finally subsides and Carlos gets back on the computer.
Yum. Thanks!
Little Vespe runs off to play.
Carlos continues playing Dead Rising.

PirateMonk
2007-06-25, 03:34 PM
PM appears.

"Thanks."

He walks into the second kitchen, sealing the entrance behind himself with an Impenetrable Barrier of Total Invulnerability.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-25, 04:06 PM
The child Rex (he Now appears to be 10 years of age) grabs a handful of items and ingredients. "Hm, it would appear that I have no memory of past events, except until my current age, but I seem to still know everything, from spells that I know I will learn and stuff i know I will create. Hm... Of course I know that I'm really old, and if I have to grow until my age, it will take longer than it did for me to grow this much. Let's see...I'll need a rapid ager, one that can grow me a few hundred years." Young Rex focuses for a few seconds, before summoning up a jar of Temporal Jelly, "O! What's this... Temporal Jelly, yes, I know what to do." Rex mixes the Temporal Jelly with some sugar, water, amphetamines (for flavor), a few sprigs of mint, several tea leaves, a half-pint of ectoplasm, three quarts of Saurous's bone marrow (obtained very painfully, of course), and a few other ingredients, and boils them together in the AMEN Methlab, located in the Garage.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-25, 04:16 PM
We have a Methlab?
We have a Garage?
Vespe decides to play Dead Rising with Carlos.
After a few minutes, he decides to go play something else.
Too scawy.

Saurous
2007-06-25, 04:18 PM
"How'd you get my bone mar- aw, forget it. I don't even care anymore. Everyone beats and mauls my body even if I don't know it.

Jackasses."

Saur then stands up off the couch, and walks off, probably to cause more chaos until the potion wears off.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-25, 04:49 PM
"Psst. Hey, Saur. I can sell ya a ProtectoDroid. Guarranteed to keep people from painfully harvesting your body parts. Act now an I throw in free thirty day warranty, eh? I am, after all, a good tradesperson. A Jawa of the people, as it were...."

Having left his cover to say this, he does in fact get hit by the next potion.

"Damn. I kinda liked being a Jawa. Oh well."

He runs off screaming again, black smoke issuing out the opening of his hood.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-25, 05:02 PM
A series of explosions resound from the Methlab with bright flashes of lights, soon, loud Pink Floyd music is played over the explosions.

The door remains open for anyone who wants to See Young Rex's work.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-25, 05:08 PM
Vespe runs in.
I wanna see! I wanna see!
Carlos comes out of his room, still clutching a blood stained wireless 360 controller.
12,000. TWELVE ****ing THOUSAND. I've killed TWELVE THOUSAND ZOMBIES. And that's just my most recent play (I die fairly often). I've probably killed 15,000 all together.
Carlos laughs a bit and goes back into his room, locking the door.

Saurous
2007-06-25, 05:08 PM
Saur follows Vespe quietly, carefully looking about at whatever Rex did.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-25, 05:21 PM
Young Rex is franticly mixing ingredient through series of marvelous glass tubes, some that swirl, others that bulge randomly, a few glow like neon signs. He also seems to be casting a spell while he adds all the ingredients together.
"Powdered For-Get-Me-Nots..." he says, pouring powder from a sack into a big canister, which ignites in Red Flames when he's done, "At least I still seem to have my magical power"

PirateMonk
2007-06-25, 06:42 PM
The barrier disappears. "Dinnertime, children," PM calls out in a voice that is both motherly in a very creepy way and viciously amused. A table appears and various dishes float towards it and land. Every other member of AMEN is teleported into chairs, where they are restrained by steel bands, magic, and godmodding while the food forces itself down their throats. Of course, each bite of food has a random potion in it.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-25, 06:48 PM
Raistlin's potion is even more Well-adjusted.

Absolutly fantastic dinner Mr. Pirate Monk. Thank you kindly.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-25, 06:53 PM
Young Rex instantly casts a spell that prevents the food from sensing him, "When Hanging around Castaras, Invisibility to Food is a must"
He quickly breaks the bonds with another spell, and heads over to the door, leaving the others in danger. "Hm, the spell seems to have regained my memories, but not my form."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-25, 06:56 PM
Vespe gets turned into an adult again.
Whew.

Saurous
2007-06-25, 06:58 PM
Saur suddenly regurgitates, forcing the food back out before it can do anything. He then casts a spell of some sort that weakens the bands, and he slips out, and heads for the door.

"Your cooking is terrible, PM."

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-25, 07:02 PM
"Ah, Piratemonk. Just the fellow I wanted to see."

Fullbladder is teleported into a chair, semi-liquid Jawa-flesh still clinging to parts of his face, and still wearing the smouldering red robe. Then something cliched and computer animated occurs, and Fullbladder's clothing shifts into bulky purple armour, and a crown of the same material and colouration appears on his head. The crossbow materializing on his arm shatters metal and equal measures of godmodding forces back upon the first. The long-dead voice of Orson Welles booms from the darkness.

"Behold, Gallbladder."

Gallbladder proceeds to shoot any food coming his way.

"Babysitting, Piratemonk? This is bad comedy."

PirateMonk
2007-06-25, 07:09 PM
"Now children, if you don't eat your dinner, you won't grow up to be big and strong. You have until the count of three to come back to the table. One, two, three."

Saurous and Rex are teleported back to their seats, with their restraints now magic-proofed. The food ignores Rex's invisibility, as it is not acting under its own power or awareness. The food continues forcing itself down everyone's throats.

Raistlin1040
2007-06-25, 07:13 PM
Raistlin continues to eat. He finishes, dabs his mouth with a napkin and smiles. He then undoes the bonds and steps up. He bows to Fullbladder, and then to Piratemonk. He then excuses himself to go help the elderly.

Saurous
2007-06-25, 07:16 PM
Saur sighs, and doesn't do anything to stop the food. He still attempts to undo the bonds, however.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-25, 07:16 PM
"If you will excuse me, Piratemonk, there's something I absolutely must do."

Fullbladder takes his leave, following after Raistlin. The sound of... er, crossbowfire is heard.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-25, 07:17 PM
Rex just godmods his way out of the bonds- Screw it, Rex continues working in the methlab.

PirateMonk
2007-06-25, 07:46 PM
The table and food vanish. PM walks out of the kitchen and shakes his head in the direction Rex ran, clucking his tongue.

"That boy will get into some real trouble one of these days."

Saurous
2007-06-25, 07:49 PM
Saurous sighs, and exits the room, chuckling. He, finally and abruptly, turns back into an adult.

"Finally!"

PirateMonk
2007-06-25, 08:17 PM
PM slaps the thread. "Get moving!"

Nekulor
2007-06-25, 09:25 PM
*Nekulor walks in the front door again*

I was off researching in Cania over the last month. Now, I'm back. I learned how to do this.

*casts Greater Hellfire on PirateMonk*

Hmn...crispy fried halfling.

Saurous
2007-06-25, 09:25 PM
"No one seems to be wanting to do anything right now. Might as well wait, and let something happen."

Saurous goes over and takes a seat on the couch, waiting to see if anyone was going to inevitably run through and do something stupid.

Realizing he had been simued, SP smacks Saurous in the back of the head.

"Huh? Oh, right. AHEM.

Oh, great. The undead lord of annnoyance is back."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-25, 09:58 PM
Vespe runs through, firing a shotgun in the air.
Yippie kay yay mother****ers!

V Junior
2007-06-26, 02:26 AM
Suddenly, for no apparent reason, everyone in AMEN is transported to-

Stop right there, Junior. Stop right there.
Awwww, why?
1: I'm not done with your backstory 2: I'm not done figuring out what that sword does. (Which means, yeah, I can't be bothered to write down powers).
Lazy.
Yeah, well, I have loads of SCHOOL!!!! AGH!!!! It's a bit better now that SATs are over though. Phew.
Excuses, excuses. Damn you.
HAH!

Castaras
2007-06-26, 10:10 AM
Yeah, well, I have loads of SCHOOL!!!! AGH!!!! It's a bit better now that SATs are over though. Phew.

SATs are cruel to all of us. Yay for them being over! :smallbiggrin:
Heh. They're just exams.
So? They're still crap.
Language...:smallamused:

Castaras gets - you guessed it - Lightning bolted!

Exachix
2007-06-26, 10:37 AM
"I am inclined to point out that A-levels are in fact harder."

PirateMonk
2007-06-26, 10:48 AM
*Nekulor walks in the front door again*

I was off researching in Cania over the last month. Now, I'm back. I learned how to do this.

*casts Greater Hellfire on PirateMonk*

Hmn...crispy fried halfling.

"Halfling? Oh. You must have tried to toast Dagger Thrower. Unfortunately for you, he has Evasion, great saves, and a D12 HD. Have fun."

Nekulor promptly becomes a pincushion and dies.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-26, 12:29 PM
Carlos emerges from his room.
I got the Zombie Genocider award. I killed 53,594 zombies. And I beat the game, but not with a good ending...
Now, I go back. To mess up some zombies with my shiny new Mega Buster.

Dartonus
2007-06-26, 03:55 PM
Sha'rall runs in the opposite direction
level 24 siege turtle! RUN!!

PirateMonk
2007-06-26, 04:46 PM
PM dons the Pants of Telepathy Conjuration, conjures some telepathy, takes over the Turtle's mind, and has it trample Sha'rall into a gray stain.

Dartonus
2007-06-26, 04:52 PM
Sha'rall hellballs the turtle into a brown smoking hulk.
Only running cause I needed some excersise.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-26, 10:49 PM
A small yellow light suddenly glows from within Dartonus's ear.

"Okay..... I wonder where I am now. It's.... lonely in here. And--" *squelch* "Ewwwww.... What in the name of Magtok's sould did I step in? Ewwww...."

Unseen and undetected beyond his flashlight and his complaints, Fullbladder continues spelunking in the depths of Dartonus's cavernous skull.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-26, 11:00 PM
Young Rex, after studying throughout the library all day, realizes that there are a few levels of management. So, I guess we need to hold one of our monthly board meetings that we must do every so often.

A notice flies in front of everyone for tomorrow's meeting in the conference room.

Saurous
2007-06-27, 06:37 AM
Saurous reads over the notice, and smirks.

"Monthly board meeting? I thought we had semi-annual whenever-the-hell-we-feel-like-it meetings."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-27, 07:31 AM
Wait, since when do we even have meetings? When have we ever talked to each other? The only talking we ever do is right before we start killing each other.

Anyone looking by Carlos' room might find that the door is locked with at least 50 locks, chains, spells, and other stuff. Oh, and a few knives are sticking out from the inside.
A sign on the door reads



Sorry, can't talk, Dead Rising.

Castaras
2007-06-27, 10:36 AM
Meh...

A knocking comes at the door. Castaras quickly goes over and heads out the base.

Exachix
2007-06-27, 10:54 AM
"AH A meeting! The bane of all!"

He cowers.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-27, 12:00 PM
"AH A meeting! The bane of all!"

He cowers.

AHEM.


Hey! Guess what! It's my birthday!

Saurous
2007-06-27, 12:06 PM
AHEM.


Hey! Guess what! It's my birthday!

"A coughdrop will clear that cough right up, Fus. :smalltongue:

Anyways, for whatever terrible reason, I think a meeting may actually be a good idea."

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-27, 12:09 PM
"A coughdrop will clear that cough right up, Fus. :smalltongue:

Anyways, for whatever terrible reason, I think a meeting may actually be a good idea."

Cough? That was an "Ahem". This is a cough.



Oh, yeah. No lungs.

Saurous
2007-06-27, 12:10 PM
"It was supposed to- I meant- You know what, forget it. No one gets my sense of humor around here anyways."

Castaras
2007-06-27, 12:13 PM
Hey! Guess what! It's my birthday!

Happy birthday.

Nine thousand, eight hundred and twenty nine pies fall on Lifebane's Player's head.

Exachix
2007-06-27, 01:15 PM
AHEM.


Hey! Guess what! It's my birthday!

" 'gratz. Have this cake."

Castaras
2007-06-28, 02:35 AM
Holy @!^! No replies since 7:15pm! :smalleek:

Does this mean the apocalypse is upon us?
No...it means that AMEN wasn't active for a day. It'll be active again later on.

Rex Idiotarum
2007-06-28, 08:45 AM
If you post it.... they will come...

What? What about it?

V Junior
2007-06-28, 10:57 AM
Junior's katana starts glowing blue.

What the hell?
I've bothered to think up some powers. Yays.
NOW can I-
NO.

Saurous
2007-06-28, 11:06 AM
"I wonder why AMEN has been so slow lately. Is everyone losing interest? I mean, when was the last time we saw Magtok? Or, more importantly, Moon Called?

The apocalypse is upon us!"

V Junior
2007-06-28, 11:17 AM
Victoria spins around, looking panicked.

Oh My Gosh!!! You're RIGHT!!

I wonder why no one comes here any more.

It's because, generally, nothing ever happens. All that happens is Castaras/CP throw a potion around, or someone stabs someone, or maybe, just maybe, something happens that makes you go 'WTF?'. That's not interesting. And, for all Victoria and I know, school's over in America (where you lot probably are). It's just no fun in AMEN anymore.

If no one makes something cool happen, then AMEN will DIE. DIE, I say, DIE.

Saurous
2007-06-28, 11:27 AM
"I fear that AMEN will degrade itself even further to that where villany no longer reigns, but chaos and randomness does..."

Abruptly, a Final Fantasy-esque Dragoon smashes into the ceiling above Saurous. The necromancer dodges out of the way, grabs the Dragon Knight's spear out of his hands, and sweeps his feet out from under him.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, you need to stop playing that Final Fantasy III remake."

"But it's so adictive!"

"Whatever.

Anyways, I believe we really do need to gather together in some big plot or something. I mean, we need to make ourselves appear to actually be a competent group of villains, and make this thread interesting again...

And this is the point where everyone ignores me."

"It's probably because your rants are boring, and make little sense."

Castaras
2007-06-28, 11:33 AM
Anyways, I believe we really do need to gather together in some big plot or something. I mean, we need to make ourselves appear to actually be a competent group of villains, and make this thread interesting again...


*Ignores Saur* :smalltongue:

In all seriousness, I have to agree. But I'm not making up a plot or anything.

Although...I might have an idea for a plotish thing...would span the forums, and might bring back interesting stuff in AMEN...I'll go develop it maybe.

Saurous
2007-06-28, 11:41 AM
"Meh, I'm sure my player can think of something."

Saurous kicks the prone dragon knight.

"SP, I suggest you go do something productive, like making an interesting plot that will revolutionize AMEN."

"I would, but I think this armor is crushing my spine."

"Well, can't you class change into something that doesn't wear heavy armor?"

"Oh, right."

SP then abruptly changes to a Red Mage, and runs off.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-28, 11:46 AM
As much as I love "chaos and randomness," he's right. AMEN is degrading. We will soon expire if we don't have a plot, or a game, or something cool, we will fall apart. Because some of us are more busy with games.
I LOVE DEAD RISING I LOVE DEAD RISING I LOVE DEAD RISING.
Carlos bolts back into his room to keep playing Dead Rising.

Fus.Weapon 1337
2007-06-28, 11:51 AM
ILOVEPHOENIXWRIGHTITSLIKETHEBESTGAMEEVERIDONTKNOWW HYBUTITISITSAWESOMEYEAH
Shut up.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-28, 11:52 AM
ILOVEPHOENIXWRIGHTITSLIKETHEBESTGAMEEVERIDONTKNOWW HYBUTITISITSAWESOMEYEAH
Shut up.

I liked Phoenix Wright too, but then I got Dead Rising. Best game ever.
Carlos barricades himself in his room to keep playing Dead Rising.

Keledrath
2007-06-28, 11:55 AM
Bookboy pops in.
You've got a point. When was the last time Maggot posted?
Remembering he's in a danger zone, he pops out.

Saurous
2007-06-28, 11:55 AM
"I feel your pain, Vespe."

Noticeable Final Fantasy music can be heard playing in SP's room. Saurous throws the spear in, and it makes a squelching noise as it hits something fleshy.

"AGH! I'm working, I'm working!"

Exachix
2007-06-28, 01:17 PM
"I love golden Sun: The Lost Age. Alot."

Exachix grins.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-28, 01:54 PM
Hey, I propose a resolution. Seeing as how we are in Structured Games, I think we should get rid of our old open door acceptance policy. What I propose to be the new rule is that you either have to be a current member or invited by a member to post in any AMEN thread, our website, or to join our IM conferences. Anyone who agrees raise your hand.
Vespe raises his hand.

Castaras
2007-06-28, 01:56 PM
Castaras raises a hand.

For the moment.

Saurous
2007-06-28, 01:57 PM
"Um, I guess."

Saurous sighs, and raises his hand.

Exachix
2007-06-28, 01:59 PM
Fox-Exy raises a paw.

"Why not?"

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-28, 02:00 PM
Saurous, why would you have a problem with it? If someone wants to join, they can ask a member to invite them, and if no one wants them, they can't join. Easy.

Castaras
2007-06-28, 02:02 PM
Saurous, why would you have a problem with it? If someone wants to join, they can ask a member to invite them, and if no one wants them, they can't join. Easy.

Although some people might just come along and post anyway...not everyone listens to that sort of thing, and we do need more activeness around the place.

Saurous
2007-06-28, 02:04 PM
Saurous, why would you have a problem with it? If someone wants to join, they can ask a member to invite them, and if no one wants them, they can't join. Easy.

"What Castaras just said, basically."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-28, 02:05 PM
...
Whatever. Forget it.

Vespe tears up the resolution.

You all want more Nightwings spamming up the place, go ahead.

Saurous
2007-06-28, 02:11 PM
"Good gods, a little reluctance causes everything to be abandoned and I'm attributed to Nightwing."

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-06-28, 02:16 PM
Vespe, that would never work, trust me. Telling people not to post here if they're not an AMENite is essentially (though different) the thing that made the Radio Game fall into disarray, collapse into a small group banned from it's mother-forum (because It was 'more a role-playing game' than those forum games that used stats, despite the fact that it wasn't even close), consisting mostly of a few dorks who argue about Star Wars in Mando'a and one die-hard fan who can't make a comic to save his life but still thinks he's funny (wrongly).

Wait, what? Oh yeah. If you were to have gone through with your proposal, that would have happened here. I've seen it on more groups and games than you can count on Piratemonk's vocabulary."

And then, suddenly.....
NOTHING HAPPENED!
or maybe IT DID! But NO ONE CARED!

thehothead
2007-06-28, 02:30 PM
(Soo... You just decide to join? Would anyone have an outright objection to me joining?)

Keledrath
2007-06-28, 02:31 PM
(You kill them. It's somewhere in the rules.)

Castaras
2007-06-28, 02:34 PM
(You kill them. It's somewhere in the rules.)

( Just to say that if you read the rules, then you'll have found one particular rule that is the most important.



264. The Previous Rules really don't matter

So they aren't meant to be followed.

@Thehothead - Just put in a little thingy in your signature saying "__________ of AMEN", and you'll be in. )

thehothead
2007-06-28, 02:37 PM
Check.
So now what... do I post my plans for world domination? Because I have a good one.

Castaras
2007-06-28, 02:39 PM
Up to you really. We mostly just ignore the world domination plans and just argue among ourselves. We're famous for it.
Whatever.

Castaras summons some pies.

Keledrath
2007-06-28, 02:40 PM
Bookboy pops in.
Since Raistlin isn't here, let me welcome you.
He then proceeds to kill THH. And pop out.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-28, 02:42 PM
Yeah, we never actually do anything around here. If we did, we'd probably be unstoppable.

But we're lazy. So we're usually just content to kill each other.

Vespe snaps Castaras' neck to illustrate this point.

Doesn't really mean anything, it's just like saying hello. Thanks for helping with the demonstration, Cassie.

Castaras
2007-06-28, 02:44 PM
No probleeerk.

Castaras collapses to the floor. A clone walks in.

When you die here, some people, like Saurous, become ghosts for a while. Others, like me, have uncountable amounts of clones. Dying in AMEN is an occupational hazard, and doesn't do much harm.

Exachix
2007-06-28, 02:45 PM
Fox-Exy nodds.

"And bicker... Some of us just respawn."

thehothead
2007-06-28, 02:46 PM
Thehothead dies. His own personal timestream rewinds to a point when he didn't.

He adds bookboy to his list of people to throw rocks at.


PEOPLE TO THROW ROCKS AT:
My sister
My cousin
My other cousin
Bookboy

Keledrath
2007-06-28, 02:50 PM
Bookboy pops in and rewrites the list.
[QUOTE]PEOPLE TO THROW ROCKS ANTI-ELECTRICITY BOMBS AT:
My sister thehothead
My cousin Saurous
My other cousin Carlos
Bookboy Lord Lady Magtok Maggot

Saurous
2007-06-28, 02:52 PM
Saurous grabs Bookboy by the throat, and and proceeds to rip his ribs out one by one.

"How many times have we told you to stay away?"

Vespe Ratavo
2007-06-28, 02:53 PM
Vespe rips out Bookboy's intestines while Carlos chainsaws off his head.
We learned a few things from Dead Rising.

thehothead
2007-06-28, 02:56 PM
How exactly do you rewrite a list that's in someones head?

Saurous
2007-06-28, 02:58 PM
Saurous lets Vespe and Carlos mutilate Bookboy further, and turns to thehothead.

"Bookboy thinks he can defy all logic and the rules of the universe simply by ignoring them."

Keledrath
2007-06-28, 02:59 PM
Bookboy walks out of thehothead's head.
Enjoying the decoy?
He leaves, after setting missles to destroy every copy of Dead Rising in existence.

thehothead
2007-06-28, 03:03 PM
Ah... the joys of rewinding.
Thehothead simply rewinds back to before the list was rewritten.

Saurous
2007-06-28, 03:10 PM
"Ah, the newbie's tendancy to repeatedly use gimmicks every ten seconds. It's so quaint."

thehothead
2007-06-28, 03:13 PM
It's simple and it works. Don't make me add you to the list of people to throw rocks at. And by rocks I mean rocks the sixe of houses. And by throw I mean launch from a giant cannon on the moon.

Exachix
2007-06-28, 03:18 PM
"That'd be funny to blow up..."

He gets out a mirror and begins to scry.

Saurous
2007-06-28, 03:37 PM
"Oh, good. The newbies are gone. Does that mean we can actually have an intelligent conversation without ripping each other apart?

Yes, I know how doubtful that is."

Dartonus
2007-06-28, 05:54 PM
Hi saurous. Have you seen my cement truck full of sprite? I can't find it... oh, here it is. It was pouring down your back.

Saurous
2007-06-28, 05:56 PM
Saurous sighs.

"Oh, no! Not Sprite! The carbonated beverage may get me somewhat wet, and make me all sticky! Oh, the horror!"