Stats for 'Tragic Magic Items'

[rhtrjded]

So I'm about to start a Roll20 campaign and have decided to award each of my players an item off of this list of tragic magic items that I came across. The items seem like they have some good potential for adding some entertainment value, but I could use some help coming up with stats for the items they rolled.

Axe of Healing -8
Colostomy bag of holding
Brazier of Confusion/Brassiere of Burning Sensations
+1 Philter of Love (It's just what Phil calls himself)

I'd greatly appreciate insight from those with more experience with this sort of thing.

Thanks