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Castaras
2007-07-13, 12:45 PM
Welcome to AMEN



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http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n291/rexidiotarum/pogosmile.gifDas Ruleshttp://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n291/rexidiotarum/pogosmile.gif

No good Deeds allowed, to thank someone, you could merely just not kill them.
If a individual is assassinated by means of trout, and has now known heirs, the assassin inherits all the person's belongings and debt.
Never reveal the secret forum's easy to uncover address.
Stabbing is allowed and encouraged.
Twister, on the other hand, is not.
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
I will not outsource core functions.
If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.
Parts of the list don't apply to AMEN.
Life has no meanin', meatbag. Only machines 'ave significance, on a cosmic scale.
The Previous Rules really don't matter

Saurous
2007-07-13, 12:52 PM
Saurous walks into the new base/thread, and takes a deep breath.

"Ah, that new thread smell. Very similar to a mix of smelly teenagers and rusted metal."

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 01:00 PM
Saphire decides to continue from the last thread:


"Oh, so sorry, I just got a little trigger happy there. It's a problem when using this darned thing." The scrubbing brush, picking up a psykic resonence, begin to sing the lumberjack song by Monty Python.

Dr. Bath starts hitting it, as that is the only proper way to fix anything.

The Hive Tyrant looks at Dr. Bath, four of it's eight eyes blinking. What is it singing? It frowns, then shrugs it's lower arms. Whatever. Now, human, tell me. That weapon is disrupting the Hive Mind. It must be very powerful. Just what does it do?

Castaras
2007-07-13, 01:04 PM
Castaras' player summons popcorn and watches the two fights that are currently going on.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 01:08 PM
Despite Exy's claim of ot being rabid, Magtok fires the tranquilizer at the lazy fox anyway, and then calls a vet to have the fox "fixed", even though that really isn't neccesary.

Dr. Bath
2007-07-13, 01:11 PM
BARBER:
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.
MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!
[talking]
What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!
[singing]
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.


Is what the scrubbing brush is singing

Exachix
2007-07-13, 01:13 PM
Exachix looks at Magtok.

"Where-fox applied onto Elf Template. Immune to 'Sleep' effects."

It should be noted he's in elf form. He shoots Magtok with his SMGs.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-13, 01:15 PM
Brought low by Carnifex strikes, Fullbladder lies in a growing pool of blood, strength enough only to ensure that he will not die with some alien beasty on top of him. By the virtue of dramatic deaths as described by Hollywood, he begins to speak.

"Oh my. I appe-- *cough* I appear to be dying. Well, it's been fun lads."

He coughs again, a splat of blood collecting on his lip and lower face.

"Tell me story to those who don't wish to know; the Good alongside the Ill, and let the Devil judge for himself."

A coughing fit wracks the goblin's body before he continues, his eyes growing dimmer by the second.

"The rest.... *wheeze* is silence."

And so he dies.For a little while, anyway.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 01:15 PM
The Hive Tyrant looks very annoyed, and snaps the scrubbing brush in half. All better. It says, and tosses Bath over his shoulder. Now where are those Carnifexes? Jasper! Micheal!

"Sorry, sir, but this silly goblin won't die."
"He won't move, either. We can't hit him."
"Odd, isn't it."
"It is indeed."
"Oh, there we go. He's dead."
"Very dramatic, these earthlings. Orders, sir?"

The Norn Queen wants you to find a cyborg and kill him.

"But sir, there are so many cyborgs to kill." Jasper points a tusk at the clones.

Then get to it.

Dr. Bath
2007-07-13, 01:22 PM
"Oh dear, that wasn't a very good idea, old chap," says Dr. Bath sitting on the hive Tyrants shoulder "most certainly not." He points the miraculously intact scrubbing brush at the Tyrants head. It disintergrates and Dr. Bath falls to the ground and brushes himself down.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 01:24 PM
Another Hive Tyrant climbs out of the vat, looks at Bath, and sighs. Why do we always get the crazies?

Dr. Bath
2007-07-13, 01:26 PM
Dr. Bath whistles then rushes out of the room

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 01:40 PM
The newly arrived Hive Tyrant watches Bath scurry off and shrugs. Jasper, Micheal, how is it going?

"All the cyborgs apear to be in a statis feild. They're asleep. This is easy." Reports Japser as he bites into a clone.

"Want one, sir? You have to be carefull how you eat them. They can give you a nasty shock."

We don't have time. The Norn Queen wants us to find the living cyborg and kill him.

"Oh. Well, have fun with that."

We shall. The hive tyrant grinned, and crawled out of the cloning lab.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-13, 01:50 PM
The Tyrant is suddenly confronted with, well, a goblin that looks suspiciously like Fullbladder, but with a few more scars. The old fashioned Imperial blaster in his hands fires a few times into the much larger beasty's gut.

"Come get some, Beasty. I've more than enough ammo for ya."

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 02:02 PM
The Hive Tyrant rolled his eyes, watching as a pair of Tyrant Gaurd scurry over. We are in a hurry, Goblin. But we think these Sheild Beasts may prove to amuse you, no? The Tyrant Guard leap forward to rip the goblin apart while the Hive Tyrant walks past, another pair of Tyrant gaurd joining it.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 02:17 PM
The sound of someone whistling comes from the rafters above the Tyrants, which seems to follow them. It doesn't exactly sound malicious, and actually a bit joyous.

Dr. Bath
2007-07-13, 02:19 PM
Dr. Bath is hiding back in his bath
"....Wait for it......"
"....Wait for it......"

Suddenly the gigantic metal foot of a titan smashes through the ceiling and squishes the icky bugs. And their spew-hole.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 02:19 PM
Magtok overhears something about a monster thingy out to get him, so he runs into the room filled with paperwork, and hides under twenty feet of incomplete insurance forms.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-13, 02:20 PM
This second Fullbladder is also ripped apart, though far less dramatically. Carbon dating on either the old blaster of the body would reveal that he came from the future using old Terminator technology.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 02:27 PM
"Hullo, what's that?"

"I don't know. It looks like a giant foot."

"Is it going to stomp us?"

"Oh, I hope n-" *SQEALCH*

Once again, the ground begins to rumble, and another mass of tenticles bursts out of the ground, this time in the living room. The tendrils spread, and another vat comes forth. A third Hive Tyrant and a collection of Carnifexes and gaurds climb out. One of those days. Comments the Hive Tyrant. Maxwell, Lucas, Jeo, find whoever summond that... foot. We want him dead. The rest of you, come with us. It orders, and heads off to the paper work room. They tear off the door, and begin to poke around.Keep looking. The Norn Queen tells us that the cyborg is here somewhere.

Keledrath
2007-07-13, 02:30 PM
You pople are going to hate Cassie for trusting E in the Town. Look at Vespe's lair.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 02:31 PM
Magtok triggers a lawyer-trap, and soon the monsters are being attacked by deranged defense attornies.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 02:33 PM
Vespe rushes through the new thread, firing a shotgun in the air.
Wooooooo!

Keledrath
2007-07-13, 02:33 PM
Bookboy blindfolds himself, and stumbles around blindly, covered in laptops, all playing Saphire's movies.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 02:38 PM
Suddenly a shotgun materializes behind Bookboy. It shoots him, his books, his mother, and Saphire's movies, and then disappears.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 02:39 PM
The lawers, swiflty dispatched, proved to be a very tastey meal. Someone take care of those two. The Hive Tyrant geusters at Bookboy and Vespe. Maxwell, Lucas and Jeo leap forward to do as ordered.

The Hive Tyrant returned to digging around, and found Magtok under a pile of papers. It leaned down, it's eight eyes inches away from Magtok's two. Boo.

Keledrath
2007-07-13, 02:42 PM
Bookboy has an anti-shotgun field as of then. Bookboy pulls out an RFECL, and kills them.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 02:43 PM
Vespe teleports back to the kitchen, and shuts the portal.
Huzzah. The safest place in the base is not in it at all.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 02:44 PM
Saurous sighs, mumbling something about no one being capable of being serious when RPing. He stands in the middle of the living room, watching the going-ons.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 02:45 PM
The chainsaws take down the first of the trio, but the last two keep coming, and tackled Bookboy, scything talons compeating to slice the elf in four.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 02:49 PM
The Hive Tyrant returned to digging around, and found Magtok under a pile of papers. It leaned down, it's eight eyes inches away from Magtok's two. Boo.

Magtok shakes in fear, as his will happens to flutter by his face. He reads the thing with curiosity, not knowng what the earlier Magtok had written. After a few moments, he tosses the paper aside in disgust, and hopelessly awits his death.

CurlyKitGirl
2007-07-13, 02:49 PM
"You do realise he'll just say something about books? I'm surprised he hasn't destroyed an entire ecosystem with all the trees he's wasted." Curly watches the fights to see what's happening.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 02:51 PM
"I think it's annoying how stupidly powerful the books are. What kind of book can stop swords, shotguns, fireballs..."

Saurous goes on for a while about what the books apparently stopped.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-13, 02:51 PM
The Real Fullbladder of this timeline returns to life in his usual, bladder-related fashion. He begins to comment on the hopelessness of the situation, when two peices of plastic mauling each other come into view. He quickly seperates them.

"Fly, my Starscreams! Fly!"

The ill-programmed Movie-brand Protoform Starscream flies off to do that, it's primitive brain following orders. The much more personality-correct siz-inch Cybertron brand Starscream does not.

"Fine. Help me Starscream, you're my only hope."

"You got that right. This place would fall to peices without me! Fine, I'll go blow myself up trying to save your hide from alien monsters, but you owe me one. Pathetic fool!"

The two sentient action figures engage the beasties while Fullbladder tries to find his crossbow bolts. Or, more specifically, the Mark V version of them, which explode on contact.

Castaras
2007-07-13, 02:52 PM
The stews that have been plotting start preparing an army of animated foods. Among the food army are nearly every kind of food imaginable - from zombie pies to rockstar bananas, Candymen to cabbage monsters, they're all there.

And they wait, while a stew with a badass gold crown makes a speech in the ancient tongue of food.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 02:53 PM
The Hive Tyrant reached forward, picking up the cyborg. This is what the Norn Queen wanted? We fell underapritated. He paused, then grinned. Oh, new orders, boys. The Norn Queen wants you to scour this base, and find another cloning lab. She says if we kill this one, a new one will take his place from the direction of those labs. It will do as a start. The Hive Tyrant says, and nonchalantly breaks Magotk's neck.

The Carnifexes look at each other. Another trio crawls out of the vat, and after a breif conversation, the pair attacking Bookboy goes to track down Fullbladder, while the other trio mauls Bookboy.

Keledrath
2007-07-13, 02:54 PM
And therefore they missed Bookboy. When did I say he was an elf? Bookboy releases the MCWUPCMOPSILWD's.

(Mutant Chainsaw Wielding Undead Pie Cyborg Meercats On Pogo Sticks In Loinclothes With Daggers. Did I miss anyone?)

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 02:59 PM
((... Good point.))

The carnifexes sigh, and then maul Bookboy, not bothering to mention whatever race he may or may not be.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 02:59 PM
Vespe wakes up and eats the stew making the speech.

Castaras
2007-07-13, 03:01 PM
The stews scream about how Vespe has killed the god of foodstuffs, and they all leap at him to smother him in sticky stew. The rest of the army sniggers.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 03:02 PM
Vespe pulls out a chainsaw and slices up the bowls/pots/whatever that they are (presumably) in.

Keledrath
2007-07-13, 03:03 PM
The DMCWUPCMOPSILWD's attack the carnifexes and the Hive Tyrant.

(Added Dancing, for CKG.)

CurlyKitGirl
2007-07-13, 03:03 PM
And therefore they missed Bookboy. When did I say he was an elf? Bookboy releases the MCWUPCMOPSILWD's.

(Mutant Chainsaw Wielding Undead Pie Cyborg Meercats On Pogo Sticks In Loinclothes With Daggers. Did I miss anyone?)

"Me, I dance." Curly looks over at the kitchen. "Uh, people or whatever you are? I think we have a slight problem. ALL of Cassie's animated food has rebelled and taken over the kitchen. I think we're next; and our resident foodomancer is missing."

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 03:03 PM
Magtok dies, and his player lets MC do whatever the hell she wishes with his stuff for now, because his focus is elsewhere at the moment.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 03:04 PM
"Me, I dance." Curly looks over at the kitchen. "Uh, people or whatever you are? I think we have a slight problem. ALL of Cassie's animated food has rebelled and taken over the kitchen. I think we're next; and our resident foodomancer is missing."

"...how did you even look into Castaras's kitchen? It can only be entered from a magical portal or by teleporting. And I thought Vespe closed the portal."

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 03:07 PM
Saphire sighs, wondering why Magtok doesn't just multi-task. She is.

Eventualy, she sighs and walks in, her backpack filled with DVD's. "All right guys, forget it. MP isn't paying attention, so it'd be only to easy to kill him off entirly now." The tyrandis start to climb back into the vat, but Saphire stops one of the carnifexes. She proposes something to it, and it sighs and nods. Grinning, Saphire climbs onto it. "I has a mount!"

"This is so demining."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 03:10 PM
Vespe teleports over to the carnifex, and rips out its internal organs with his bare hand.
im in ur mount
rippin out his orgnz

He then teleports back to the kitchen, where he continues fighting the foods.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 03:10 PM
Saphire sighs, wondering why Magtok doesn't just multi-task. She is.

Eventualy, she sighs and walks in, her backpack filled with DVD's. "All right guys, forget it. MP isn't paying attention, so it'd be only to easy to kill him off entirly now." The tyrandis start to climb back into the vat, but Saphire stops one of the carnifexes. She proposes something to it, and it sighs and nods. Grinning, Saphire climbs onto it. "I has a mount!"

"This is so demining."


"...

Yes, Saphire. Yes you does."

SP appears next to Saurous, and opens his mouth to say something.

"Make me say something perverted about her riding the tyranid, and I will do such illegaly violent things to you."

SP closes his mouth, and takes a step away from Saurous.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 03:13 PM
Saphire sighs. "But... my mount! Jeo!" Jeo pauses, about to climb into the vat.

"Eh-heh... Yes, mistress?"

Saphire glares at the carnifex, who sighs and walks over to her. Saphire climbs on. "I has a new mount!"

Castaras
2007-07-13, 03:16 PM
Saphire sighs. "But... my mount! Jeo!" Jeo pauses, about to climb into the vat.

"Eh-heh... Yes, mistress?"

Saphire glares at the carnifex, who sighs and walks over to her. Saphire climbs on. "I has a new mount!"

The Moon Called to say you has a bad grammar problem as well as a bad spelling ability. And the Stars IMed the Moon to Call you sometime later about how crap all your Anime and Manga is. Not that good animated, is Anime. :smallbiggrin:

Castaras' player quickly fades out of existance to avoid being attacked by an angry Saphire/MC/Both.

The stews having their bowls smashed only serves to make them even angrier. They slurp over, and leap to smother Vespe's face again.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 03:18 PM
Saphire sighs. "But... my mount! Jeo!" Jeo pauses, about to climb into the vat.

"Eh-heh... Yes, mistress?"

Saphire glares at the carnifex, who sighs and walks over to her. Saphire climbs on. "I has a new mount!"

"Good for youes."

Saurous walks out of the line of fire towards Castaras's Player. SP poofs away.

Keledrath
2007-07-13, 03:19 PM
Some of the DMCWUPCMOPSILWD's teleport into the kitchen, and start killing stuff.

CurlyKitGirl
2007-07-13, 03:20 PM
"...how did you even look into Castaras's kitchen? It can only be entered from a magical portal or by teleporting. And I thought Vespe closed the portal."

"I'm spykick, and psychic. Two different things, plus, I read Vespes' unconciousness to find out what was happening. Plus, my player made me aware of it, so a friendly warning I guess."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 03:21 PM
The Moon Called to say you has a bad grammar problem as well as a bad spelling ability. And the Stars IMed the Moon to Call you sometime later about how crap all your Anime and Manga is. Not that good animated, is Anime. :smallbiggrin:

Castaras' player quickly fades out of existance to avoid being attacked by an angry Saphire/MC/Both.

The stews having their bowls smashed only serves to make them even angrier. They slurp over, and leap to smother Vespe's face again.

Carlos appears wherever Lizzie is to hand her a box.
Congratulations, you have won the internet.
Inside the box is the internet.

Meanwhile, Vespe pulls out a lightsaber chainsaw (yeah...dont ask how it works...) and starts slicing up the stews.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 03:21 PM
Saphire just shrugs. "You're just jellious of my new mount!" Saphire says, and then, because she feels like it, and it got a good result last time, posts Cassie's Tektek.

http://public.tektek.org/img/av/d10/9/tek_0707105edf78.png

Castaras
2007-07-13, 03:23 PM
Lizzie only grins.

It wasn't me who got annoyed last time, was Castaras. So won't work. So :smalltongue:.

Bookboy's creatures may be able to kill the foods, but more keep on coming.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 03:24 PM
"She's jellious? Does that mean she turned into some sort of ooze or gelatin?"

Saurous sighs.

"You are not very intelligent, are you?"

"I can when I need to be."

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 03:26 PM
Saphire shrugs. "I know. I was hopping she would see it and get annoyed.

Why doesn't she like it, anyway? I think it looks like her."

Castaras
2007-07-13, 03:27 PM
You drew me, that's why. She's a vain little so and so. :smallamused:

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 03:30 PM
"Okay. I can go with that one." She says, and continues working on Fullbladder's Tektek.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 03:43 PM
"Well, it looks like normality has returned.
Well, however normal it gets around here."

"You didn't really do much during the tyranid attack. In fact, you don't really fight at all unless I make the enemy or it's an easy target."

"Now, you see, that is simple. It's always because there are three outcomes to these battles.

1. I am simu-edited, causing something to happen that I can't recover from because you don't feel like editing your post when that happens.

2. I am godmodded to death before I can really do anything.

3. My enemies are godmodded to death before I can really do anything."

Dr. Bath
2007-07-13, 03:48 PM
Dr. Bath begins to fade away, leaving only a huge grin. Which then pops of out of existance

Castaras
2007-07-13, 04:02 PM
Castaras gets handwaved back into existance, and quickly quietens down the food rebellion, before heading out of the portal.

Just to tell you all I most probably won't be on at all tomorrow, seeing as my player will be at UKitp.

She then teleports away.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 04:16 PM
Magtok's player pops up, to add his completely unneeded and unwanted commentary.

I never really understood these playground meet-up things. I like the anonymity of the internet, and frankly, I suspect a great number of us are a lot uglier and less witty in RL.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 04:18 PM
Saurous pulls out a few pieces of paper from his apparently infinte pockets, and begins writting something.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 04:20 PM
Saphire looks at Magtok, and rides her carnifex over to him. "Good, you're on. Here, what do you think of this."

http://public.tektek.org/img/av/d10/8/tek_070710647023.png

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 04:25 PM
Hmm...it's a nice attempt of Gaia-ifying me, but it seems to lack something Maggoty. The pants and shoes bug me a little. Something about them doesn't seem very me-ish.

But otherwise, you did a really good job. I'd probably like it if I didn't have such a burning hatred of all things manga/anime. I probably would be screaming something about that image being unclean and an impure version of myself which I must brutally murder, if my player wasn't handwaving me to act nicer.

Keledrath
2007-07-13, 04:26 PM
Just my 2 cents, it looks a bit to ninja-ish for Magtok.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 04:28 PM
Vespe remains in the kitchen, muttering something about how he needs to survive for five days straight to get the laser sword, and he'll probably have to turn his game off before then.
He drinks some orange juice.

Xerillum
2007-07-13, 04:32 PM
Burn-Burn sits up in the second swimming pool. ROaaaaaaarrrr/What time is it? Where am i?

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 04:36 PM
"So apart from that it's good? I'll see if I can clean it up a bit.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 04:37 PM
Saurous looks up at Burn Burn.

"Oh, look who's awake.

I wonder if Saphire is going to go berserk on him..."

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 04:44 PM
Saphire looks at Burn-Burn, and rides her Carnifex over to him. "Hey, Burn-Burn. Geuss what I found when I got here."

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 04:55 PM
Magtok thanks his player for not making him do something stupid and get himself killed, and turns to watch Saphire do whatever she plans to do to Burn-burn.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 04:57 PM
((http://public.tektek.org/img/av/d13/17/tek_0707133c8318.png (http://tektek.org/avatar/1778392)

Better?))

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 05:03 PM
Vespe opens up the portal a bit so he can look and talk out.
Hmm...I wonder...
Vespe modifies the portal so that his head is peeking out and he can move it around at will, essentially making him a floating head. He can, however, dive into the kitchen at a moments notice. So :smalltongue:
You know, I'm quite surprised Castaras hasn't tried to kick me out of here yet.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 05:04 PM
"Vespe, that's primarily because Castaras was out of existance most of the day."

Saurous sighs at the fact that Burn Burn apparently went offline.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 05:06 PM
Hmm. True, but Lizzie didn't stop me either, and I'm pretty sure normally she'd be angry too.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 05:07 PM
((http://public.tektek.org/img/av/d13/17/tek_0707133c8318.png (http://tektek.org/avatar/1778392)

Better?))

Yeah, I suppose. I still don't like being Gaia-ed, though.

Magtok heads to the labs, and then waves around a copy of Psi Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy.

My player just rented this game. Does anyone know if it's any good?

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 05:08 PM
I played a bit once. It's pretty nifty.
Vespe then pulls up a bag of pizza rolls from the kitchen and starts munching on them.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 05:14 PM
'Kay then. I'll see you all very soon. My player wants to give the game a try, meaning I'll be stuck here, helpless and unable to stop you if you try to hurt me.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 05:58 PM
Saurous walks over to Magtok, and sets up a few traps around him. One being a bed of spikes to fall from the ceiling upon moving, a rune that causes a massive force explosion upon his return, and similar things.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 06:00 PM
Saphire grins, and walks forth with a streatch of rope. "I wanna watch my new DVD's. I decided that the only worse thing then killing you to punish you for it would be to make you watch them with me." She explains, and handwaves Saurous over while she's at it. She ties the pair down with the plot-woven rope, and turns on a DVD. "Up first we have Yuri-Yuri Paradise. It's a take off of Itcha-Itcha Paradise. Which is essentaily Make Out Paradise."

Saurous
2007-07-13, 06:03 PM
"Why exactly are you going to punish me, you crazy bi-?"

"Watch the language, Saur."

"Ugh, fine. Why are you going to punish me for something I had nothing to do with, nor something that I could stop, you insane, promiscous girl?"

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 06:09 PM
Saphire shrugs. "Good question. 'Cause I feel like it?" She grabs the remote and turns the sound up.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 06:11 PM
Saurous stops talking for a moment, and then closes his eyes and tries to turn his head away from the television.

"AGH! I can feel it draining away both my sanity and masculinity! The madness!"

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 06:11 PM
Vespe ducks inside the kitchen portal and closes it.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 06:17 PM
"It's not that bad, you whiner." She says, and shoves a gag in Saurous mouth.

"No, Moon."

Moon Called glares down at her player from the rafters. "Look, it's not my fault you're treating me like I'm a minor character. I'm the character, your the player!" She jumps down, holding her sword in Saphire's face. "Get out of my reality, and leave my lover alone."

"Party-pooper." Saphire glares at Moon Called for a second, then snaps her fingers, returning to the sanctuarary of her desk.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 06:18 PM
Saurous blinks, and sighs.

"Without letting me out of the plot-rope? God dammit."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 06:21 PM
Vespe snickers at Saurous' situation.
He opens up the portal ever so slightly, just to cut through the plot ropes with a plot knife.
You owe me one.
The portal closes.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 06:21 PM
"Knowing Plot, I think that was enough drama to satisfy her." Moon Called says, knealing to undo the rope. As predicted, it comes undone.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 06:24 PM
Saurous stands up, not really caring how the ropes came undone, by Vespe or Moon Called's doing.

SP appears again, standing upside-down on the ceiling.

"Heh, sorry, Saurous. I would've helped you back there but...um..."

"It's because you are a coward."

"Yeah! That's it!

HEY!"

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 06:24 PM
The portal opens.
Vespe stabs MC in the back.
You got simu'd.
The portal closes.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 06:29 PM
Moon Called gunts as she gets stabbed, glaring at the celing as she sinks to her knees.

"What?"

"Aren't you gonna heal me?"

"I thought you didn't like me interfering."

"Stupid, cowardly *****." Moon Called grunts.

"Yeah, that'll change my mind."

Saurous
2007-07-13, 06:32 PM
Saurous sighs, mumbling something about it not needing to be that dramatic. He builds up some energy in his hands, and uses it to seal shut the wound, and any organs or veins that the stab split open, assuming that someone doesn't try to stop him.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 06:36 PM
"Thank-you." Moon Called says, still glaring at the celing.

"What?"


"Why don't you let me god-mode?"

"Fine, here's a carnifex, enjoy."

One of the orriginol three carnifexes walk in. "She isn't the kindest Norn Queen, is she?" He comments.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 06:37 PM
"She isn't? I hadn't noticed.

And aren't Norn queens usually massive, malicious, puss-spewing creatures that basically never move?
Well, she has the maliciousness and puss-spewing aspects..." Saurous says with a small grin.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 06:42 PM
"Well, when she created our Hive Fleet, she decided that since she was essintily the Hive Mind, she needed a propper tittle. She read something about the Norn Queen, and took that as her tittle." Explains Jasper.

"And she named you Jasper?"

"Yes. Yes, she did."

"That's harsh."

Saurous
2007-07-13, 06:45 PM
"Who names a massive, horrible, destructive, and extremely ugly creature Jasper, other than Saphire?

Um, no offense to you, Jasper."

Mr. Moon
2007-07-13, 06:55 PM
"Oh, it's quiet allright. I'm fully aware of my hidiousness." Jasper says with a shrug. "Her actualy tyranid is named the Jaberwok, but then, she only has one."

Saurous
2007-07-13, 07:00 PM
"Jaberwok. She named that thing...Jaberwok.
I have never seen a referrence to a Lewis Carrol poem used so terribly."

Saurous glances over to the side, somewhat dejectedly.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 09:15 PM
Saurous walks over to Magtok, and sets up a few traps around him. One being a bed of spikes to fall from the ceiling upon moving, a rune that causes a massive force explosion upon his return, and similar things.

Magtok stands absolutely still, and frozen with fear.

Its just like the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. They can't see me if I don't move.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 09:25 PM
Saurous glances over at Magtok, and smiles.

"They can be remote-activated, also."

Saurous snaps his fingers, and the traps are set into motion. The rune sends out a blast of force, sending Magtok shooting up into the spikes above him, which fall along with him into the path of a beam of negative energy that rips all organic matter in his body appart.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 09:27 PM
A few minutes later, a horribly mangled and impaled half-robot thing gives Saur the middle finger, and then deactivates. The other half of Magtok is too busy being dead and ripped apart to do anything.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 09:36 PM
Saurous stops smiling, and heads to his room, as he needs rest, despite being an elf.

And because his player doesn't have insomnia.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 09:50 PM
The next Magtok clone laughs at the insomnia-less necromancer, and then runs off to play some video game in the basement.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 09:52 PM
The kitchen portal opens up ever so briefly to stab Saurous in the back.
Real elves don't need sleep.

I, however, like it.

Vespe then moves the portal back to the living room (or whatever the main room is called), opens it, steps out, and closes it.

He walks down to the basement.
I can has two player?

Saurous
2007-07-13, 09:58 PM
Saurous's wound immediately heals, and he shouts in Vespe's direction. Even though Vespe isn't neaby, he can still hear the necromancer.

"Elves don't sleep, but they have to go into a meditative state for a few hours every so often, moron. There is a difference between 'sleep' and 'rest'."

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 10:07 PM
Saurous's wound immediately heals, and he shouts in Vespe's direction. Even though Vespe isn't neaby, he can still hear the necromancer.

"Elves don't sleep, but they have to go into a meditative state for a few hours every so often, moron."

Pfft! You silly elves and your haughty lies about not sleeping. All the other races know you're not really meditating, so you can stop pretending you are. And don't give me that "I have to meditate cuz I'm magicky" load of bull****, either.

I know the true story behind elves. You were designed as food for mindflayers. That's why your minds age like fine wine, and why you have that extra magical flavor tossed in. The ears thing was made so they had something big to grab ahold of when they began munching on your minds, and you were made frail and weak so you'd have less of a chance of escaping or rebelling.

Eventually, you did, and the elder elves and mindflayers decided to destory all records of that event from history. You elves didn't want to be known as the delicacies of Cthulhu-wannabes, and the squid-faces didn't want anyone to know about the fact that they failed to prevent your race form escaping them.

And yes, Vespe. You can has two player. I'm playing Halo 2 right now, to annoy my player since he doesn't own an Xbox.

Saurous
2007-07-13, 10:12 PM
Magtok suddenly finds a knife in his back, with Saurous standing next to him.

"And did you know that humans are just as arrogant and 'useless' as the other races? That were created simply because the creators of D&D simply needed something to be weaker and more average than the other races? You lash out against the other races simply because you have the desire to destroy everything that isn't like you. Humans are probably the worst race out there."

Saurous then twists the knife in Magtok's back.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 10:12 PM
Pfft! You silly elves and your haughty lies about not sleeping. All the other races know you're not really meditating, so you can stop pretending you are. And don't give me that "I have to meditate cuz I'm magicky" load of bull****, either.

I know the true story behind elves. You were designed as food for mindflayers. That's why your minds age like fine wine, and why you have that extra magical flavor tossed in. The ears thing was made so they had something big to grab ahold of when they began munching on your minds, and you were made frail and weak so you'd have less of a chance of escaping or rebelling.

Eventually, you did, and the elder elves and mindflayers decided to destory all records of that event from history. You elves didn't want to be known as the delicacies of Cthulhu-wannabes, and the squid-faces didn't want anyone to know about the fact that they failed to prevent your race form escaping them.

And yes, Vespe. You can has two player. I'm playing Halo 2 right now, to annoy my player since he doesn't own an Xbox.

Oh...burned...hey..wait a minute...
Vespe thinks a minute.
You just insulted MC too! Burn!
Vespe fails to realize that he was insulted, as he is unable to remember he is an elf at the moment. He grabs a controller and starts playing Halo Twoz.


Magtok suddenly finds a knife in his back, with Saurous standing next to him.

"And did you know that humans are just as arrogant and 'useless' as the other races? That were created simply because the creators of D&D simply needed something to be weaker and more average than the other races? You lash out against the other races simply because you have the desire to destroy everything that isn't like you. Humans are probably the worst race out there."

Saurous then twists the knive in Magtok's back.

Vespe claps.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 10:20 PM
Magtok suddenly finds a knife in his back, with Saurous standing next to him.

"And did you know that humans are just as arrogant and 'useless' as the other races? That were created simply because the creators of D&D simply needed something to be weaker and more average than the other races? You lash out against the other races simply because you have the desire to destroy everything that isn't like you. Humans are probably the worst race out there."

Saurous then twists the knive in Magtok's back.

Magtok simply smiles as the knfe is twisted, he nearl lethally overdosed on something just a few minutes ago.

Humans? We're the race everything else is based off of. We existed long before you, in multiverses you've never even heard of. The creators of D&D were human, fool. Tolkien was a human, H.P. Lovecraft was human, Terry Pratchett was human, Issac Asimov was human, the Japanse who invented your blades were human, the greatest military and scientific minds were human, and even your great-grandmother was half-human. (Trust me, I went back in time, got drunk, and after one hell of an awkward morning, I had successfully made your bloodline "impure.")

Saurous
2007-07-13, 10:25 PM
"Yes, but are they necessarily part of our world, beyond being those that created it? You have to remember that there is a seperation between the world of our creators and our world.

Oh, and..."

Saurous sends a shockwave of energy towards Magtok's forehead.

"You utterly disgust me. What's next, you're going to tell me that you are the real father of Maur?

And so help me gods, I will make sure you permanently stay in the hells if you say so."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 10:27 PM
Ooh. That gives me an idea...
Vespe teleports back in time.
A few minutes later, he returns, wearing a Darth Vader mask.
Saurous...
I AM YOUR FATHER.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-13, 10:31 PM
"And yet the superior species is still hunted down and slaughtered relentlessly by adventurers, never allowed to rise back to their rightful place above all other species."

Fullbladder turns the page of the novel he's reading and just continues reading, the words quiet and only half-conscious as the other half of his brain lies buried in the salty wastes of some desert hellhole.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 10:42 PM
"And yet the superior species is still hunted down and slaughtered relentlessly by adventurers, never allowed to rise back to their rightful place above all other species."

Why the hell would we ever let you come back into power? Do you think the other races are really stupid enough to let that little thing happen again? Just be thankful that we humans allow your kind, and all the other kinds, to live, because we could easily fix that if we wanted to. We have all sorts of Warhammer, Star Wars, and Star Trek gizmos to nuke you all out of the multiverses.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-13, 11:00 PM
"That would require the force of a GigaHitler. And humanity can't manage that for another hundred years. And there's always the matter of peacemongers and anti-war movements you'd have to deal with. No, I don't think my kind is going anywhere for a while, be it up or down one the Planetary Dominance Meter."

Fullbladder flips the page again.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-13, 11:13 PM
In my lifetime, I've learned that a century isn't really that long a period of time. Anyone with a crazy white hairdo, a car, a "flux capacitor" and the ability to shout "Great Scot!" can travel through time. And anyone who can travel through time can bring back souveniers. I could easily head into the the future, grab your GigaHitler thingy, and then come back here and kill stuff. You're lucky my player doesn't approve of that kind of action.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-13, 11:53 PM
Vespe pulls out a sleeping bag, and opens up the kitchen portal.
Man...food, soldiers, weapons, and no one can get in. I see why Castaras likes this place so much.

Shame I'm gonna have to leave when she gets back. I could get used to this. Gonna have to get a kitchen of my own...

Vespe rolls out the sleeping bag and lies down on it.
He does not, however, go to sleep just yet.

The portal closes, in case someone tries to kill him or he falls asleep.

Saurous
2007-07-14, 07:12 AM
Both Saurous and SP walk in. SP is coughing violently, and Saurous has his arms crossed. Saurous is also wearing a filter mask, probably to avoid breathing in whatever SP coughs out.

"So, your parents finally decide to let you go see Transformers, and your cold acts up."

"Yeah."

"Well, doesn't it suck to be you."

CurlyKitGirl
2007-07-14, 07:59 AM
"Saur, so you player likes Transformers? He should talk with Fullbladder. I, on the other hand have a weapon that will distract Saphire for an extremely large amount of time..." *fiendish smile* She then whips on her own gas mask because she feels like annoying GMT-AMENites with a reference. "Are you my Mummy?"

Saurous
2007-07-14, 08:24 AM
"Actually, he says he just wants to see the one movie."

"Why is it when I want to-" SP coughs. "-see the one movie, everyone automatically sees me as a Transformer fanatic?

((And, speaking of which, I need to be going now. To the 10:20 movie, I go.))

Xerillum
2007-07-14, 09:47 AM
Roaaaaaaaar/Burn-Burn's player is a Diehard and Ocean's 13 fan.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 10:36 AM
Magtok rereads the last few posts he made last night.

Wow. That "elf=mindflayer food" thing was my greatest elf inferiority theory ever. But why is it that I get my best ideas when it's near midnight in my player's timezone? Why does my player think up the best stuff when he's suffering from insomnia?

V Junior
2007-07-14, 11:54 AM
Victoria makes a sign, saying:
SIX DAYS TILL MY B-DAY! :biggrin: :tongue: :cool: :wink:

A rebel meerkat comes in, jumps up and kicks Junior in the stomach. Normally, she'd stab it, but instead, she falls over, cluching ther stomach in pain. Coco hisses.

You do not harm the Queen or the unborn Prince!

...

I'm gonna kill you, Coco.

Saurous
2007-07-14, 12:33 PM
Saurous, who had left during the time his player was offline, suddenly rushes past and is followed by a hulking robot.

"AGH! Run for your lives!"

The robot then releases a massive wave of energy, sending Saurous and anything nearby flying.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-14, 01:05 PM
"It's always something with you, isn't it?"

Fullbladder, still reading, lifts up his crossbow and hands it to an anonymous NPC, whose mind it immediately takes control off.

The NPC fires the crossbow wildly at the robot, even though he's beginning to drool and has apparently forgotten how to inhale breath.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-14, 01:11 PM
"That's the strangest looking necron I've ever seen. Or is it a dreadnought?" Asks Jasper as he and Moon Called walk into the room.

"Somehow, I don't think it's either. It's probably just a huge robot."

"Oh. So Eldar technology?"

Moon Called sighs.

Saurous
2007-07-14, 01:14 PM
The robot fires a few rounds at the NPC. It looks over at SP as he walks in through the door.

"You! Are you Sam Witwicky?! Where are the glasses?!"

"Sorry, Blackout. You have the wrong kid. Sam lives a few miles from here in the nearby city."

"Oh."

The robot then transforms into a helicopter, and flies out through a wall.

Saurous pulls himself out of a heap in the corner.

"Stupid Transformers..."

V Junior
2007-07-14, 01:15 PM
Sentry holds up a quote.


You do not harm the Queen or the unborn Prince!

I'm not gonna kill you for three reasons.

1: You can speak Common; you are valuble
2: No one's listening
3: I don't kill my meerkats. I don't even harm them.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-14, 01:20 PM
"You're pregnant? Oh, I must go make scones to celebrate!"

"She just wants attention, Jasper."

"So... no scones?"

"Oh, fine. Go make scones."

"Yay!" Jasper scurries off to the kitchen.

Saurous
2007-07-14, 01:22 PM
"Ugh, I really don't feel like asking right now. Happiness can handle that."

Saurous sighs, and motions towards the personification.

"Huh? Oh! V's pregnant? Who's the father? Magtok, I guess? Or is it some kind of cloning thingy?"

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-14, 01:22 PM
"Cool."

Fullbladder absentmindedly reaches down and takes the crossbow from the incinerated corpse of the NPC, never taking his eyes off the book, though a Camerazard on the other side of the room was a little busier.

"Looks like V Junior listened to the penguin mystic when he said 'Go forth and multiply'."

V Junior
2007-07-14, 01:24 PM
Junior glares at Jasper, then at Coco and Sentry, then she sighs.

I guess there's no harm in coming out of my shell now. Yes, Jasper, yer right. She looks at Coco and Sentry. When he wakes up, tell him. And you know who I'm talking about.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-14, 01:29 PM
Shortly later, Jasper comes out of the kitchen with a tray of scones in his claws.

"Um... Jasper, what kind of scones are those?"

The carnifex looks down at the scones, causing a large glob of bio-slime to fall off his chin, narrowly missing the biscuts. "Well, it's the normal recipie, but I chopped up some Space Marine intestines for flavor. Want one?"

"I'll pass."

Saurous
2007-07-14, 01:31 PM
Junior glares at Jasper, then at Coco and Sentry, then she sighs.

I guess there's no harm in coming out of my shell now. Yes, Jasper, yer right. She looks at Coco and Sentry. When he wakes up, tell him. And you know who I'm talking about.

"How wonderful for you," Saurous says with absolutely no enthusiasm.

Maur wanders over and looks over at Junior.

"Wait, there is going to be another kid around here?"

"Apparently."

"Dang. I thought being the youngest person around here made me unique."

V Junior
2007-07-14, 01:35 PM
Suddenly, a goddess on a Latias crashes into the base.

Junior! Bow before thy goddess!
NOT YOU AGAIN! She turns to the other AMENites. This is Goddess Lati. She's my player's HSH person. Why'd she come here though?
Doth it matter? You are not worthyto even gaze upon mine holy face!
Same. Player. She could make you go back to HSH.
Oh ****. The weird goddess is thrown back into HSH.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-14, 01:43 PM
Jasper looks up at the goddess, munching on his scones. He pauses, mid chew, and opens his mouth. "How rude of me. Would you like a scone? They're right out of the oven, nice and tasty." He watches as the goddess is banished or whatever, then shrugs. "More for me. Such a shame, though. Scones are best when shared."

Saurous
2007-07-14, 01:44 PM
"...what was the point of summoning her if you were going to get rid of her in the same post?"

"She's obviously just yearning for attention."

"True 'dat."

Saurous smacks SP in the back of the head.

"Don't say that again."

V Junior
2007-07-14, 01:50 PM
Jasper is offering a scone to a nonexistant goddess.

Jasper, she no longer exists in the Playground reality. She is back where she belongs; FAR AWAY FROM AMEN.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-14, 01:58 PM
"Yes, and I eddited my post accordingly as soon as I saw you had, you cheat." Saphire says from her desk.

Saurous
2007-07-14, 02:07 PM
"That's why it's so hard to do a competent and realistic-seeming fight scene around here. Someone simu-edits someone else, causing the whole thing to mess up. It really queers a conversation, too."

V Junior
2007-07-14, 02:26 PM
Victoria begins spinning around madly. She goes up into the air, where she floats powerfully, and causes a number of AMENites to explode.

WHY DOES SHE STAY?

Saurous
2007-07-14, 02:29 PM
Saurous looks up at Victoria, hand automatically moving towards the hilt of the katana at his waist.

"What now?"

Saur sighs and relaxes after a long while of waiting.

"Every time! Every time someone does something big and dramatic, they just stop after they do so! Dammit!"

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-14, 04:14 PM
Vespe opens the kitchen portal, then closes it, waving goodbye to it.
All good things must come to an end.
Vespe then walks off to his room.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-14, 04:41 PM
((Hey, I forgot to ask. Or rather, I did and noone answered. How'd the Invasion go?))

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-14, 04:46 PM
We pretty much took over the Town. There wasn't really an organized resistance, and no one really bothered to fight us, so we pretty much rule there now.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-14, 04:47 PM
((Really... Darn. Oh well, at lest I didn't miss anything good. *scurries off to the Town to find the base, and introduce Cresant*))

Saurous
2007-07-14, 04:58 PM
((You do realize that it is normally spelled crescent, right? :smallconfused: ))

Mr. Moon
2007-07-14, 05:02 PM
((No I didn't. Thank you very much.

Is there anything I should know about the base/Town AMEN before I start? 'Cause Magtok was talking about some sort of repairs on the lair.))

Saurous
2007-07-14, 05:04 PM
((Just some help from Saurous, your local Spelling Nazi. :smallsmile:))

Saurous wanders about, wondering if anyone is actually awake or active at the moment.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-14, 05:08 PM
((Yeah, yeah. I'm a lost cause. :p

Is there anything I should know about the base/Town AMEN before I start? 'Cause Magtok was talking about some sort of repairs on the lair. :smallconfused:))

Saurous
2007-07-14, 05:10 PM
((Um, I think some balors blew the base apart, but I think you can actually walk around it. And I don't think anyone is fighting anyone else anymore.))

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-14, 05:24 PM
Vespe runs around just to show he's online.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 05:26 PM
Magtok comes out of stasis/deadtime (or whatever the hell characters fall vitim to when their players aren't around) and wanders around aimlessly.

He seems to be in a pretty good mood, seeing as he's failed to get killed, he got one step closer to teaching elves humility, and he's recently discovered a copy of Hogfather in the AMEN library.

Saurous
2007-07-14, 05:48 PM
Saurous walks over to Magtok, grinning.

"Magtok, V Junior wanted to tell you something."

PirateMonk
2007-07-14, 05:55 PM
PM walks up behind Saur. "Are you actually going to be doing anything in the Town? What about Maur?"

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 05:58 PM
Magtok casually walks over to Saurous, still in a pretty good mood, and not expecting Saur to do anything evil, despite the big grin.

Yeah? What is it?

Saurous
2007-07-14, 05:59 PM
"Apparently I'm not going to do much more than the little I already did.

And about Maur, he can't simply be transfered from here to there, because you know the hissy fit the Admiral had about that, and SP doesn't want to make a character section for Maur in the Town."

Saurous then turns back to Magtok.

"She wanted to tell you that she's pregnant."

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-14, 06:04 PM
"And it has yet to be definitively proven that the father was cyborg."

Fullbladder, in light of the moment, walks by in comic-strip like coicidence.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-14, 06:04 PM
Vespe's head explodes.

A clone walks in.

OMGWTFBBQ?

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 06:05 PM
Magtok pauses for a moment, and something inside his brain explodes. Nothing really important, though. He's still functioning properly for now.

I'm sorry, but I dont think I heard you correctly. Did you just say she's...pregnant?

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-14, 06:06 PM
"Tests have been inconclusive, but it would appear so, yes."

Saurous
2007-07-14, 06:06 PM
"Oi. A rebel meerkat kicked her in the stomach, and one of her loyal members shouted something about harming the 'unborn prince'. After a few inquiries by the others, she finally said that she was indeed impregnegated."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-14, 06:07 PM
Hmm...I think it's true..

Vespe holds up a post he found.



A rebel meerkat comes in, jumps up and kicks Junior in the stomach. Normally, she'd stab it, but instead, she falls over, clutching her stomach in pain. Coco hisses.

You do not harm the Queen or the unborn Prince!

There's a few more, but I'm too lazy to find 'em.

Saurous
2007-07-14, 06:29 PM
Saurous pulls an enchanted decanter out of his pocket, in case Magtok faints or overheats from the new knowledge.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 06:40 PM
Magtok just...stops. Everything stops all at once. His heart, his robotic half, and his breathing. The only thing left active is his brain.

Meanwhile...

Inside Magtok's mind, a bunch of tiny little personifications are running around frantically. Chaos and Panic are panicking, Irresponsibility and Hatred of Nearly Everything are trying to form an escape plan, Responsibility, Love, and Tyranny are all trying to rally support for the idea of being a father, and Order is simply trying to get everyone under control so a decision can be made on how to react.

Saurous
2007-07-14, 06:46 PM
Saurous puts the decanter away, and quietly walks out of the room. He comes back with a scalpel-like device, and a chest labeled "Magtok's organs".

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 07:07 PM
Suddenly everything starts up again. Apparently he just had to reboot himself. Sorry Saur, you don't have an excuse to cut open Magtok. Better luck next time.

Anyways, he gets up, and looks around.

So...she's really pregnant? That's...great news. I'm really happy for her...errm, I mean us. Maybe I should...

...Oh gods, how the hell did this happen?!? I can't be a father, I'll screw up horribly, even worse than my own parents did! The kid is going to grow up being made fun of because his/her father is a pathetic little Darth Vader wannabe! And that's only if I can get past the first five years without screwing up and accidently killing him/her as a baby! I don't even know which way you're supposed to put the kid down when you put it in its crib to keep him/her from suffocating! :smalleek:

Magtok continues to rant about how he's unfit to be a father, and will probably talk about it for the next nine months if nobody does anything to stop him.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-14, 07:10 PM
"It's okay, Magtok," Fullbladder puts an arm around Magtok's shoulders. "We understand. Mistakes were made. A good time was had by all. You'll do fine."

He then furrows his brow, apparently in thought.

"If you make me the godfather I'll stop stealing your funding and equipment for my own gains. On weekends."

Saurous
2007-07-14, 07:11 PM
Saurous grimaces, and teleports the scalpel and organ chest.

"So close!"

He then pats Magtok on the back.

"Oh, come on Magtok. If I can raise a child without killing him, you can, also."

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 07:16 PM
Magtok puts his hands to his face, and nearly begins to cry.

No, it was different with you, Saur! Your player wasn't actively trying to destroy you with every action he made you do! He liked it when you got to have fun and kill me! My player only wants to see me suffer!

He'll probably brainwash me and make me crack the baby's head against a wall, or rewrite my backstory so I have some sort of horrible disease that gets passed on! I know the bastard well enough by now that he won't let this be a good thing! :smallfrown:

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-14, 07:21 PM
"No worries, mate! We're in this with you. I still have enough Druid levels to cure a few diseases, y'know. And Saurous is personal friends with several of the Lords of Death, so he'd be able to get the kid back if the player brainwash'd ya. Plus, I bet we could get Piratemonk to godmod out of this digital hellhole and put a bit of the fear back in yer player."

Grinning broadly, Fullbladder accentuates his words with sweeping gestures of his free hand, the other still firmly clamped around Magtok's shoulders, for consistency's sake.

Saurous
2007-07-14, 07:24 PM
"No worries, mate! We're in this with you. I still have enough Druid levels to cure a few diseases, y'know. And Saurous is personal friends with several of the Lords of Death, so he'd be able to get the kid back if the player brainwash'd ya. Plus, I bet we could get Piratemonk to godmod out of this digital hellhole and put a bit of the fear back in yer player."

Grinning broadly, Fullbladder accentuates his words with sweeping gestures of his free hand, the other still firmly clamped around Magtok's shoulders, for consistency's sake.

"And I could probably find most ways to cure the diseases and injuries that Fullbladder can't solve."

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 07:33 PM
Magtok smiles, somewhat comforted but still not entirely assured. He suddenly realizes something.

Wait a sec...why the hell are you guys offering to help me with this? After I insulted Transformers and all elves in existence, you guys want to be nice to me? Didn't we have some sort of ancient grudge or something? Or did I just have one really long hallucination, and miss out on the entire history of AMEN?

Saurous
2007-07-14, 07:42 PM
"What? We cannot actually help you and V Junior every so often? I am no always out to harm you, and am certainly not planning on manipulating your child into destroying you."

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 08:12 PM
Magtok simply shakes his head, disgusted.

Go ahead and do whatever the hell you want. It's not like I could stop you. I can't do anything except screw up and kill myself on a daily basis.

Magtok wanders off again. He finds a phone book, and begins looking for something.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-14, 08:26 PM
Vespe walks up to Magtok.
Magtok, I understand. Well, not really. I've never had a child. And if things continue the way they're going, I probably never will.

But I will support you, my friend. Anything you need, just ask.

You probably shouldn't ask me to be a babysitter though. Not the best idea.

Or to be the godfather. Noo, I'd screw that up horribly.

Vespe goes on down the list of things Magtok probably shouldn't ask him for until someone shuts him up.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 08:48 PM
Magtok sticks out his hand, motioning Vese to stop.

I appreciate your offer, and know its probably more sincere than anything Saur will ever say to me, but I think this thing is going to be just me and Junior.

Magtok suddenly pulls a big book out of nowhere.

I think its time I stopped this and start looking for a name for the kid.

Hmm...If it's a girl, I'm sure as hell I'm not letting her call it Junior Jr., and if it's a boy, Magtok Jr. won't work, because I hate the idea of being a Magtok Sr, and the name will make everyone think the kid has to be a cyborg.

And I'm sure as hell not using a noun followed by a verb. We don't need more The moon called-esque jokes.

Saurous
2007-07-14, 08:51 PM
"Eh...heh. Perhaps you should leave the naming up to Junior, Magtok? You have been shown to be very bad with names."

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 09:11 PM
You're right. But I think I should take a look anyway, just in case she doesn't have any ideas, or suggests something absurd like Munior, Jagtok, or Junior Junior.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-14, 09:16 PM
How about Tertius?

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 09:29 PM
Magtok googles the name, and then gets some religious stuff.

Hmm...I'm not sure about that Vespe. Wikipedia doesn't make the origin of the name clear, and neither did this other site. Is it some latin word or something?

PirateMonk
2007-07-14, 09:35 PM
"Greek, I think. Third, or something like that."


Magtok simply shakes his head, disgusted.

Go ahead and do whatever the hell you want. It's not like I could stop you. I can't do anything except screw up and kill myself on a daily basis.

"Didn't your player remove all the angst?"

Saurous
2007-07-14, 09:42 PM
"I'm pretty sure it is Latin for third, actually."

Saurous hmms.

"What about Chalybs?
No, wait. That sounds terrible."

Lord Magtok
2007-07-14, 09:42 PM
"Didn't your player remove all the angst?"

Yeah, but I slip up every once in a while. Its hard to be cheerful and slef-confident when you know you're nothing more than comic relief for a bunch of people who take pleasure in the suffering of others.


"Greek, I think. Third, or something like that."

Third? I suppose that could work. All the greatest movies, games and stuff usually come in threes or involve the number three.

There's always the tiny chance that the kid will think the name means he has to go hunting after the Triforce, though. I don't want to be the father of a Link wannabe. Especially since Link is an elf.

Xerillum
2007-07-14, 09:47 PM
roaaaaar/You could just tell him that Link is a good person, and good people try to kidnap you and bury you in a wood box alive down by the river.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2007-07-14, 09:48 PM
"And I suggest something simple and difficult to remember, like Richard or Jonathan."

Xerillum
2007-07-14, 09:52 PM
roar roaar roooooaaaaarr/Or something that will guarantee him misfittification and turn him evil because of all the name-calling he had to endure... like Tutumcpoopypantz Magtok

Raistlin1040
2007-07-14, 10:56 PM
Raistlin appears.
Hey Magtok! I heard you're going to have a kid! Congrats. If you need a babysitter, I'll help out. As for names, how about something simple like Nick, or Ben?

Castaras
2007-07-15, 04:00 AM
Castaras teleports back in, carrying a stealth bomber card and a 100 megaton warhead card. She grins, throwing them at the nearby 75million population country, and blows them into little bits. Lizzie smirks.

I'll have to get Nuclear War sometime. So much fun. :smallamused:

Castaras heads into the kitchen, sorting out all the mess the food made while she was gone.

Exachix
2007-07-15, 04:07 AM
Exachix wakes.

"I'll have to get Nuclear war and Nuclear Escalation.... and alot of other stuff."

He looks around and at the country of dead people.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 08:34 AM
"Why do we continue to have nearby civilizations if we keep destroying them? They're like herds of cattle, that just don't get the fact that they are going to be killed at some point or another."

Castaras
2007-07-15, 08:50 AM
Meh. I think they're just stupid.

Castaras comes back out of the kitchen, potion in each hand.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 08:52 AM
"That's what I was trying to get at. I have a bit of a character flaw that usually doesn't let me explain something in a simple way."

Castaras
2007-07-15, 08:54 AM
Heh. If you wanted, I could probably fix that...:smallamused:

She teleports one of the potions away.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 08:57 AM
"Uh, no. I believe I'd rather be forced to use a larger span of words rather than have eyestalks sprouting from my head, or falling in love with a lamp or something."

Exachix
2007-07-15, 09:58 AM
Exachix hmms.

"Yes... 'fix'."

He grins.

Castaras
2007-07-15, 10:01 AM
And how exactly do you lot know that this would do something bad as well as fix it, eh? I could be doing something nice to you lot for once. :smallamused:

Exachix
2007-07-15, 10:03 AM
"AMEN. A-M-E-N. A-M- Evil -N. Evil."

Saurous
2007-07-15, 10:05 AM
And how exactly do you lot know that this would do something bad as well as fix it, eh? I could be doing something nice to you lot for once. :smallamused:

Saurous bursts out in laughter.

"You? Helping someone else? I find that seriously unlikely. With you it would be more likely for it to be a vial of cyanide."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-15, 10:05 AM
Vespe walks out of his room.

Hey everyone, it's time for a vacation episode!

The base suddenly violently jerks up to jump over a large shark which had just come close.

Everyone is instantly transported to a completely generic beach resort thingy.

Castaras
2007-07-15, 10:08 AM
Castaras shrugs and throws the potion to a pie. It carries it back into the portal.

Offer still stands.

She looks around the beach.

Woah. Sand and stuff. Sand...Sea...

Sea means fish...fish means fish that eat other fish...fish that eat other fish means sharks...

Ahhh! Sharks! :smalleek:

Castaras runs from the beach, a few pies laughing.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 10:08 AM
Saurous sighs as he finds himself in swimming trunks and with a towel draped over his shoulders.

"Yeah? And I say that Vespe shouldn't be capable of changing the base without permission."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-15, 10:10 AM
Vespe pulls out a small notepad and writes something down.



Me: Bees
Magtok: Chainsaws
Castaras: Sharks
Saurous: Figure skaters

Saurous
2007-07-15, 10:14 AM
"That isn't a fear! I just do not trust how they spin is all.

And besides, my major fear is clowns, not figure skaters. Where did you get that idea, anyways?"

Exachix
2007-07-15, 10:15 AM
Exachix hmms and looks at the sand, before hmming.

"Where is he..."

He shifts to a fox and trots off, he drags Magtok back and buries him in sand, before going to catch fish.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-15, 10:17 AM
Vespe crosses out figure skaters and writes in clowns.
Forgot.
He then wanders down to the beach, mumbling something about Billy and Mandy references.

Then he wanders down to the beach and splashes around a bit in the water.
Hey! Come on in! The water's great!

Unfortunately, Vespe is then eaten by a really huge shark.

Exachix
2007-07-15, 10:18 AM
Exachix comes back with a fish and looks at the Shark whom is eating Vespe.

"Oh dear."

And then fox-Exy devours the fish, before laying in the sun.

Castaras
2007-07-15, 10:18 AM
Castaras, luckily, is a long way away from the beach now, and as such couldn't see what would have scared her even more. Away from the beach, and still in her normal clothes, she wanders round the shops.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 10:20 AM
Saurous sighs.

"Ugh. Oh, well. Might as well make the best of this."

A surfboard appears next to Saurous, and he calmly saunters over to the water.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-15, 10:22 AM
Magtok puts his hood up, and mutters several profanities as he tries to find some shade. He doesn't seem at all happy about this beach thing.

Damn you, Vespe. Why fif you have to do this? Now I'm going to have to spend the next few hours watching out for landsharks, keeping my nearly-albino face out of the cruel sun's UV rays, and hope that nobody tries to drown me or bury me alive when I'm not paying attention.

Castaras
2007-07-15, 10:23 AM
A pie grins at Magtok.

Psst...someone already did. :smalltongue:

A group of surfer pies go into the water, and start surfing.

Exachix
2007-07-15, 10:26 AM
Fox-Exy watches Magtok if he comes over...

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-15, 10:27 AM
A Vespe clone walks out of the hotels complimentary cloning facilities.
Okay...what to do now...
Vespe decides to go to the amusement park that's next to the hotel.

The roller coaster he gets on flies off the tracks and towards the beach.
I regret nothinnnngggg!

PirateMonk
2007-07-15, 10:28 AM
PM walks in with a giant whiteboard. He puts it down on the sand, takes out a marker, and begins writing equations on it.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-15, 10:28 AM
Magtok pulls himself out of the sand, gives Exy the middle finger, and then walks away from the beach.

I'm going home before the landsharks try to get me.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 10:31 AM
"Magtok, I don't believe there are any landsharks aroun-"

Just to prove Saurous wrong, a shark with wheels suddenly bursts out of the water, and chases after Magtok.

Exachix
2007-07-15, 10:35 AM
Exachix chuckles and shifts to Elf, still in a robe, he hmms and it changes to a t-shirt and trousers.

Castaras
2007-07-15, 10:37 AM
The pies in the sea carry on surfing.

But along come some sharks. They probably think it's their birthday, or something, because look at the tasty morsels just waiting to be eaten.

And the predictable happens. The poor, unsuspecting sharks eat the pies, and die from many different effects.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-15, 10:38 AM
Magtok continues walking, until he looks over his shoulder and spots the shark. He freezes in place, too scared to do anything.

Just before the thing can eat him, the sand shakes, and suddenly, a huge behemoth the size of two school buses flies out of the sand, grabbing the shark on wheels in its colossal jaws, and then it plunges back down into the sandy depths with its meal.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 10:43 AM
Saurous sighs.

"Okay, time to cause a bunch of casualties."

Saurous's clothes change back to normal, only lacking a cloak and in more of a t-shirt form. He waves a hand, and a massive, worm-like creature bursts out of the sand. It proceeds to move down the beach, devouring all humans in it's gaping maw.

PirateMonk
2007-07-15, 10:44 AM
PirateMonk finally finishes filling up the board. He begins checking what he's written.

Castaras
2007-07-15, 10:44 AM
After much wandering of the streets, Castaras comes back to the beach. She sits near the end of it, far away from the sea, going through the sea ingredients she brought for her pies.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-15, 10:52 AM
Another Vespe clone comes out.
Woooo!
Vespe runs into the sea, and starts swimming around and stuff.

Exachix
2007-07-15, 10:55 AM
Good Job Exachix isn't a Human.

He smiles, and augments the beast.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 10:57 AM
The beast turns, and heads for the water, aimed for Vespe.

Saurous watches from a distance, waiting for the worm to either die or do what it does so he can turn his attention away from it.

Castaras
2007-07-15, 10:58 AM
Castaras watches the worm, channeling magic through the sea foods she got.

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-15, 11:00 AM
Vespe is eaten alive.

Another Vespe clone comes out.
Wow. This is supposed to be relaxing, but I've already died 4 or 5 times.
Ah well.

Vespe goes to a mall by the beach, which is, of course, infested with zombies. He pulls out a chainsaw and grins.

Screams of survivors can be heard coming from the mall.

Everyone on the beach seems to be blissfully unaware of the zombies.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 11:03 AM
The worm-creature then turns back out of the water, spiraling back up onto the beach. It heads towards the town next to the beach, and begins causing chaos.

Saurous bursts out in evil laughter.

Mr. Moon
2007-07-15, 11:06 AM
Moon Called apears on scean in a black bikini. She looks at herself, then around her, and frowns. "What's going on?"

"Well, from what I gather, everyone's at the beach. So I gave you beach-wear."

"Oh."

Jasper apears next to Moon Called. "What? I'm at a beach? What a shame, I was just about to make some cookies."

Saurous
2007-07-15, 11:22 AM
Saurous waves a hand, and the worm rides back to the beach, and retracts back into the sand.

PirateMonk
2007-07-15, 11:29 AM
PM finishes checking. He places his hands on the whiteboard, and they glow, followed by the equations pulsing. A hole appears in the middle of the board and expands outwards. A black swirly thing comes out. PM nods and gestures. The black thing is sucked back into the hole, which closes. The whiteboard seems to have disappeared.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-15, 12:18 PM
Magtok mumbles something about landsharks and bunnies out to get him, and then heads down to the boardwalk.

Moments later, the giant landshark comes back, and swallows a helplees NPC whole, before descending back into the sand and waiting for the right moment to strike its nemesis, the dreaded Sand Worm.

Castaras
2007-07-15, 01:52 PM
Castaras cheers as she finally gets an updated avatar for herself, and carries on working with the sea food she brought using her magic.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 01:57 PM
Out at sea, a massive meteor spirals down towards the water. It crashes into the ocean, creating a tidal wave to quickly move towards the beach.

"Oh, no. A tidal wave. Whatever shall we do?

I bet everyone is going to ignore it."

CurlyKitGirl
2007-07-15, 02:02 PM
"Not me. I'm going to surf the largest wave ever!"
Curly runs into the water carrying her surfboard, gets ready and waits to catch the wave. "Oooh, if this lands in the town I can go on a surfing rampage." She readies her waterproof short sword in anticipation. "Let the dismemberment begin." Curly grins evilly.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-15, 02:04 PM
Aw crap. You see, this is part of the reason why I hate the beach.

Magtok runs as fast as he can, steals a car, and then drives away back towards the base. A trail of destruction is left in his wake, as he never actually learned how to drive.

Castaras
2007-07-15, 02:05 PM
Castaras looks at the wave, and sees a massive shark nearby the wave. She pales, teleporting away to a safe place a long way from her original position.

She miscalculates, and finds herself in the middle of the ocean...

Mr. Moon
2007-07-15, 02:07 PM
"Jasper, can you swim?"

"A little. Why?"

Moon Called geusters nonchalontly at the tidal wave before climbing onto Jasper's back. "That's why."

"And riding me would create what kind of experiance?"

"I've always wanted to ride a huge, monsterious creature into a tidle wave."

"Really?"

"No, but Saphire's board so she's making me do it."

"Ah."

Saurous
2007-07-15, 02:11 PM
The tidal wave crashes into the beach, and continues up, basically creating a moving wall of water.

Saurous smiles, and disappears. He next reappears on the top of the wall, riding on some type of board as it heads toward the town.

PirateMonk
2007-07-15, 02:25 PM
PM gets hit by the wave and drowns. He is never heard from again. Really.

Lord Magtok
2007-07-15, 02:28 PM
Magtok finally gets back to the AMEN base, and locks all the doors, closes the windows, etc. to keep the tidal wave and the others out.

He then begins partying.

Ding dong, PM is dead!

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-15, 02:30 PM
The Beatles pop up on the beach and start playing Hello Goodbye (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QShSmpI0r9k) for no apparent reason.

Castaras
2007-07-15, 02:31 PM
Castaras quickly casts a water breathing spell, and swims around underwater. A little bit after swimming around under there, a group of sharks circle around her. Lizzie swims past her, ticking off names on a list.

Curly, Bath, MC, Fullbladder, Saur, Bookboy, Junior, Magtok, Cassie, Rex, Uber, and Vespe...That means Exy, PM, Fus, and some other people...

Castaras tries to get Lizzie's attention, but gets eaten by one of her worst fears. And I'm sure no-one cares.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 02:33 PM
Despite the fact that the beach is basically completely covered in water now? Wow. Those guys are really determined. Or Carlos just isn't paying attention.

Meanwhile, the wave continues moving, taking out several tall buildings, and completely enveloping everything in water.


PM gets hit by the wave and drowns. He is never heard from again. Really.

"Yeah, that'll probably last all of ten minutes."

Vespe Ratavo
2007-07-15, 02:33 PM
I care. I mean, it sucks to be killed by your worst fear.
Vespe is promptly stabbed by a giant bee. Then his corpse gets swarmed with cockroaches.

A clone walks out.
Yeesh.

The Beatles step away from the corpse, still singing. Noticing they're in water, they get into their Yellow Submarine.

The Vespe clone is washed away.

CurlyKitGirl
2007-07-15, 02:43 PM
Curly continues surfing, doing some amazing surfing moves her player could never do in real life (why? She can't surf) and generally having the time of her life. Seeing Saur surfing or something approximate to it she surfs over there and says "Hey, do you know if this wave will descnd upon the town because I have an urge to decapitate someone." She then notices that PM apparently died. "Do you think he's really gone?" She then hangs eleven. Just like hanging ten, 'cept her player gave her an extra toe.

Saurous
2007-07-15, 02:46 PM
"Um, I don't believe this wave is going to cease at all until about the AMEN base. So, I think you're going to have to miss out on the rampage of death. I think everyone down there is dead anyways.

And PM? Dead? Permanently? I find that highly doubtful."

PirateMonk
2007-07-15, 02:47 PM
It has been 21 minutes since PM died, and 13 since SP made that comment. PM remains dead.