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Deuterium
2007-07-13, 01:19 PM
The Traveller (PDF) (http://www.mediafire.com/?c3i4njkcma1) is the beginning of a short story I have been working on in order to practise my writing skills.

As such, it doesn't have the level of pre-planned plotting that I am usually satisfied with, because I'm making it all up as I go along.

Any comments or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Deuterium
2007-07-19, 01:21 PM
I'm going to give this one bump, just in case anyone might want to make a comment.

Please tell me what you think, and even if all you want to say is "get out of the writing business", I'm prepared to take your statements on board.

Bryn
2007-07-19, 03:37 PM
Well, I know what it's like to go reply-less... I don't have time to read now but I should be able to offer (admittedly more than a little uninformed) critique sometime later tomorrow.

Jimor
2007-07-22, 11:49 AM
Nice work, the writing is well detailed and smooth, so I think the practice is paying off. :smallsmile:

It's always hard to judge something that both first draft and just a beginning, but I can definitely tell it's something you're making up as you go along, just like you mentioned. What I'm missing as a reader at this point is what the story might be about beyond him just getting out of this predicament. You yourself probably won't know this until you finish the story, but then you can go back and work in some elements that set up the bigger picture.

The only real nitpicky criticism I have is I don't have any idea what *kind* of gun the Traveller has pulled out. Single shot muzzle loader? Revolver? Semi-automatic? From context of how he's dispatching ghouls, I'd guess at least a good modern revolver, which is a rather sudden change of expectations that this is a "standard" medieval level fantasy dungeon crawl. The jarring aspect of this detail isn't necessarily bad, just be sure to use it in the final draft for a reason, and you'll have some good stuff.

Definitely looking forward to more, especially considering the... airhanger. :smallwink:

Deuterium
2007-07-22, 12:20 PM
Nice work, the writing is well detailed and smooth, so I think the practice is paying off. :smallsmile:

It's always hard to judge something that both first draft and just a beginning, but I can definitely tell it's something you're making up as you go along, just like you mentioned. What I'm missing as a reader at this point is what the story might be about beyond him just getting out of this predicament. You yourself probably won't know this until you finish the story, but then you can go back and work in some elements that set up the bigger picture.

The only real nitpicky criticism I have is I don't have any idea what *kind* of gun the Traveller has pulled out. Single shot muzzle loader? Revolver? Semi-automatic? From context of how he's dispatching ghouls, I'd guess at least a good modern revolver, which is a rather sudden change of expectations that this is a "standard" medieval level fantasy dungeon crawl. The jarring aspect of this detail isn't necessarily bad, just be sure to use it in the final draft for a reason, and you'll have some good stuff.

Definitely looking forward to more, especially considering the... airhanger. :smallwink:

Thank you for your kind words.

As you say, there is no greater story to work in right now, but that is something I can work on.

As for the issue with the gun, I think this might have to do with a lack of experience in familiarity with real firearms on the part of the author. I tried to boil down the description to something perhaps intentionally vague, for the reason that he shouldn't really have a gun in this setting. (The device I had in mind was a pump-action shotgun, probably similar to SPAS-12, since Half-Life 2 is the closest I've come to shooting anything recently :smalltongue:)

Although, let's say the Traveller's one is made by gnomes. Yeah, that sounds cool. :smallwink: