People are not all like me: the journeys of discovery

[Fiery Diamond]

Everyone tends to assume that others are like them. Wikipedia link here: note the alternative section. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychologist's_fallacy) It extends beyond just what I linked, though: we (as a species) tend to assume that other people think like we think, believe like we believe, experience things the same way we do, understand the same concepts we do, feel the way we feel, react like we react, know what we know, have the same perceptions that we do... the list goes on. When confronted with a fact illustrating to the contrary, we revise our perception of the other person, but only insofar as necessary to explain the fact we just received. We continue (in many cases, somewhat irrationally) to think that in all other respects, at least those that aren't readily obviously natural extensions of the ways we already know they are different, that others are the same as we are.

There are, as far as I can tell, only two exceptions to this. The first is the us-vs-them mentality. In this exception, we assume that certain things are DIFFERENT, rather than the same, with just as little support for that belief. We take the out-group, the "others", and assign them negative traits in contrast to our own perceived positive ones. The second exception is the self-awareness and over-correction. That is, we recognize that we're making assumptions that others are the same, and in an attempt to "correct" this, we try to hold our assumptions in check, leading us to constantly question... sometimes to the point of not being able to hold a reasonable conversation because of needing to stop to double-check that people are on the same page so frequently.

But. I'm not here to talk about the exceptions. Rather, I want us to share our experiences discovering that others are NOT like us. What are some examples where you found out that experiences or perceptions you assumed everyone had were not, in fact, universal? What kinds of beliefs and ways of thinking have you encountered that are just SO different from your own that you were surprised by them? What did you think was obvious or naturally followed that someone else did not? And so on.

(Remember: no religion or politics. There are plenty of beliefs that don't fall in those categories.)

I'll begin.

1. What constitutes a "small" or "average" or "large" village/town/city? Depends on who you ask! I remember being completely dumbfounded when I discovered that some people still considered a settlement over 100,000 strong to be a "town." I've lived my whole life is a town of about 6,000. To me, 100K puts it into "big city" territory.

2. People are always shocked when they first find out how little I know or care about pop culture, movies/music/etc., and sports. Names, stories, songs, and so on that they assume literally everyone is familiar with I'm just like, "Nope, never heard of it."

3. When I first went to college I was exposed to all kinds of beliefs, attitudes, and ways of thinking I didn't know existed. It's been a little while, so it's kind of hard for me to remember most of them, unfortunately.

4. Fashion. Not just "current fashion," but clothing fashion AT ALL. Growing up, I just kind of assumed people were making up weird rules just as like, a thing. That ALL clothes-fashion related stuff was just as arbitrary and made-up as the whole "don't wear white after ." Eventually, I realized that no, most people [I]actually believe and perceive things like color-coordination. That was a pretty big shock to me; I honestly don't perceive color coordination. Yes, some combinations look nicer and others seem to clash, but that's just a personal preference thing. Orange shirt, green pants? Blue shirt, orange shorts? Red and blue? I don't see anything strange.

5. I remember being confused as a kid when people talked about having running water when the electricity was out. I grew up with an electric pump for our well, which meant that no power = no water. Those who grew up with town water were just as confused by my situation as I was by theirs when I was a kid.

6. "Everyone has a right to life which is permanent and indestructible." "Everyone begins with a right to life, but their actions can revoke it." People tend to get very frustrated about this one, as it is a pretty firmly held belief, usually, no matter which one you hold. This difference of belief is a root cause for some political differences that I obviously won't go into. Conversing about an issue dealing with these beliefs is generally a waste of time so far as trying to convince someone or reach an agreement; people often talk past each other before they realize that this particular belief difference is what's causing the other disagreement, and once they realize it they tend to start yelling, because "how could a reasonable person hold [the view that I don't hold"?!11! (That tends to be the attitude, is what I'm saying.)

[Razade]

Everyone tends to assume that others are like them.

Right off the bat I disagree with you. You know what they say about making assumptions. I've never thought other people were like me. Quite the contrary, I've always felt like an outsider, like I never really belonged even with my own family. They're all incredible mathmaticians, I totally suck at math. None of them are artistic, I would write and sculpt and draw and they'd never really click with it. The list goes on.

Way to go though, demonstrating the fallacy you're talking about so early on though.

[Fiery Diamond]

Right off the bat I disagree with you. You know what they say about making assumptions. I've never thought other people were like me. Quite the contrary, I've always felt like an outsider, like I never really belonged even with my own family. They're all incredible mathmaticians, I totally suck at math. None of them are artistic, I would write and sculpt and draw and they'd never really click with it. The list goes on.

Way to go though, demonstrating the fallacy you're talking about so early on though.

You didn't read the whole thing, did you? If you've seen explicit proof that something is different, you accept that it is different was actually a thing that I've said. Also, us vs them "us" can, in fact, be limited to "me." Actually pretty typical for teenagers. It is not, however, all encompassing. Feeling that you don't fit in and that others must have some fundamental aspect that makes you stand out and off to the side... doesn't actually violate anything I said.

Although I suppose there is a third exception in addition to the two I mentioned. That being the one brought on by a particularly high or low view of ones own ability, either in general or in regard to how one compares to those around him/herself.

For what it's worth, though: "Everyone has their emotional ups and downs" is another statement you'd probably jump on me for. What about suicidally depressed people? I'd argue two things: 1) even suicidally depressed people have variations in how they feel, and 2) having an actually mental abnormality may technically violate the "everyone", but... well, at the risk of tautological absurdity, when it comes to people, there are no absolutes, only overwhelming trends. I think both of those points apply here. I mean, I'm pretty different from everyone I know. I've been a social outcast for a fair amount of my life. And yet...

[veti]

The town-size thing is something I've noticed. I grew up in a "village" with a population of about 4000. Some people would call that a town, but it was definitely a village. To me, "town" begins at around 10,000. ("City" is something else entirely.)

There's an old saying I remember that sums up part of the transatlantic divide: "Britons think 100 miles is a long way, Americans think 100 years is a long time." Probably true, as far as it goes.

I am always disconcerted when I find that people don't know what I was brought up with as "classics" among movies. I'm thinking the Marx Brothers, Laurel & Hardy, Humphrey Bogart... basically, films made before 1950. When I was a kid, these movies came up on TV practically every weekend. But looking at the schedules now, I can't remember when I last saw a scheduled broadcast of anything made much before 1980. I worry that the current generation - my kids - are not going to get my cultural reference points at all, and I think that's kinda tragic.

[Talanic]

I've always had an inkling that I wasn't quite the same as the kids I knew. It took a while for my strangeness to come into focus, but I always knew it was there.

Turned out, I have two major conditions of note. The first is aphantasia - usually summed up as having no mind's eye. I can't call pictures to mind either by imagining or remembering them. It applies to other sense memories as well; I understand that my wife can remember music in "full orchestral", while I can manage only the lyrics or the melody. I can't compare something I'm tasting to something I've tasted before - no "Oh, hey, this needs more garlic and it'll be just right!"

The second is a doozy, and we only found out a few months ago. Turns out my chronic fatigue, weakness, clumsiness, depression, and lack of drive are all signs of testosterone deficiency. Average total T for my age is about 650 nG/dL. Mine was 256; below 350 is apparently too low to sustain the muscle mass to comfortably accomplish day-to-day activities like walking. I've started a moderate-strength course of steroids, which I will be on for the rest of my life, but we're still figuring out the appropriate dosage.

Since starting, my mood's generally stabilized, but since I get one dose per two weeks, I tend to run out of steam about four days before the next shot.

Regarding city size, I've always considered my home to be a small city - about 60,000 people. I've never cared much for fashion - to the point that I gave my wife carte blanche to alter my wardrobe when we started dating (to which her response was, "My God, what did your previous girlfriends DO to you?" - and she's only exercised that power two or three times in ten years). And I think popular culture has grown far too large for anyone to be involved in all of it.

[Murk]

Yep, count me in the camp of people who thought "No one is like me" rather than "Everyone is like me". I'm much, much more surprised to find out other people feel or think the same than when they feel or think differently.

By which I mean to say


If you've seen explicit proof that something is different, you accept that it is different was actually a thing that I've said.

No, I don't need explicit proof for differences - thinking people are different is my default state of mind. I need explicit proof that people are the same. It's not a "me vs them" kind of thing either, because I don't feel like an outsider. I just assume everyone is different.

And while we're at it


For what it's worth, though: "Everyone has their emotional ups and downs" is another statement you'd probably jump on me for.

Yeah, sorry, can't agree. No downs here.

To prevent being only critical of the first post, though, I'll edit in a few shocking differences when I can think of them! :smallbiggrin:

[factotum]

1. Village/Town/City: the thing is, in the UK at least, places don't become cities just by having a certain number of people living there--they have to have a royal charter declaring them to be a city. This is why we have St. Albans, which has been a city since the 19th century despite its current population being less than 60,000, whereas my birthplace Northampton is *not* a city despite its population of more than 200,000. So, St. Albans is a small city and Northampton is a large town!

The distinction between village and town is less clear-cut. Up where my mother lives in County Durham you have Middleton-in-Teesdale, which is a village of around 1,500 people, and Barnard Castle, classed as a town with a population of around 5,000. I think Middleton is a very large village and Barnie (affectionate local name) is a small town; I have absolutely no idea what I'd call anything in between!

2. You want to read the comments of a Youtube series called "Tamara's Never Seen" where the actress Tamara Lynn Chambers reviews movies she's never watched. It's astonishing how many of them are "How can she not have seen this?"--I've even seen people in there outright saying that she's lying and is just *acting* that she's never seen these movies. It's ridiculous. I'm not a big movie watcher myself--name virtually any popular movie from the last ten years and I probably won't have seen it.

Overall, I've been fully aware people have different viewpoints from a pretty early age, so I actually find it more of a shock when I run into people who don't think that way. I'll fully argue my case when I believe someone I'm speaking to is wrong, but when it becomes obvious that I'm not going to convince them I won't press the issue--I consider that to be rude.

[Iruka]

It took me quite a while as a kid to realise that living in a big house with a garden was not the standard. Of course I had seen the other houses in town, visited friends who lived in rented flats, but somehow it never clicked.

[Xyril]

You didn't read the whole thing, did you? If you've seen explicit proof that something is different, you accept that it is different was actually a thing that I've said. Also, us vs them "us" can, in fact, be limited to "me." Actually pretty typical for teenagers. It is not, however, all encompassing. Feeling that you don't fit in and that others must have some fundamental aspect that makes you stand out and off to the side... doesn't actually violate anything I said.

It might be more accurate to say that you didn't give Razade's post the careful reading that you feel that your own post deserved. Your point seems to be that "people are generally like me" is the default state of mind, and that it takes counterexamples shake things up. But in Razade's example, he asserts that this was never his default state of being because he was basically raised in a giant counterexample. But if you reframe things, one could argue that your own assertions aren't a good example of what you're talking about, because maybe the default way of thinking is that everyone IS different than you--except in your case, you were exposed to so many counterexamples (being raised by a family who, unlike Razade's, continually reinforced the idea that people all think alike) that you were compelled to adjust your thinking at a young age.