Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

[rubakhin]

I'm the exact opposite, almost. I'm probably incapable of ever being in any kind of healthy romantic relationship. Ever. After a month or so I turn into a mental and emotional wreck and drag whoever I'm dating down with me. But the second my relationships end, my issues go away because the triggers are gone. And then, despite all logic, I get into another relationship anyway, because for whatever stupid reason I think I've magically gotten better in the interim. I've ended up hurting a lot of people because they started dating me thinking they were getting somebody well-adjusted.

But I don't know what to do. On one hand, I don't want to keep hurting people, and getting psychological help would be completely impossible for various reasons, most pressingly financial ones. On the other hand, nobody wants to be alone forever. I suppose I could live with drifting from one-night stand to one-night stand for the rest of my life. I mean, I guess I have to.

[LCR]

Oh, and I don't drink. ;p

You should. It helps.

[Ranis]

You should. It helps.

Nah. Lemonade pwns alcohol.

[Logic]

You should. It helps.

No, it just makes you join the Depression thread sooner.

[Syka]

Evolution of...er...a forum members threads which they post on: Crush->Relationship W&A->Depression


Sorry...Couldn't resist...

Cheers,
Syka

[LCR]

No, it just makes you join the Depression thread sooner.

Well, we all will, I guess.
And now raise your glasses, gentlemen.


Edit: You may also drink straight from the bottle.

[Brickwall]

You should. It helps.

Of course it does! It makes you less intelligent, and love is foolish. If you want success in love, drink lots of alcohol! :smallbiggrin:

[Hoggy]

The above statement is false, I've been direct proof for the last... 8 months? 9? Can't remember.

Well, I've not had a girlfriend per se.

/me goes to look up per se.

[rubakhin]

Less talking, more vodka.

*passes around shot glasses*

[FdL]

I never post in the depression thread. I post my love related depressive comments here :p Yay :)

@Rubakhin: I'll check them out, thanks!

[Midnight Son]

Scorpina's Pirate Avatar, if a shaved biker with a goatee ever shows up on your doorstep...

What!? Isn't this the game we're playing now?:smallbiggrin:

[Serpentine]

Ranushka: If a Slav with a lot of pamphlets on sexual harassment shows up at your door and starts asking "Show me on zhe doll vhere she touched you" ...
:smallbiggrin: Now I want to go to the US (or Russia, if you end up there before I go a-travellin') just to hear you say that and find out whether you really talk like that :smallbiggrin:

[Hell Puppi]

Brawr! Back from the wedding!
I honestly have to say i had no idea my friend bea's family was that well off. It was amazing O_o.
Heh I had to post this somewhere, and this goes a bit into the 'relationship issues' thing because, well, I did say a while ago I was afraid of going to the wedding because someone whom I didn't get along well with at all was going to be there.
I was nice. And by nice I mean I pretended that the person (J) didn't exist. It was the only thing I could do not explode at her. Of course someone decided to be funny and have her pick me and my bo up at the airport. I tell you there's nothing closer to hell than a 4-hour car ride with someone you dislike.
What does this have to do with relationships? My bo. We're moving back to az and going to be with my friends and family again (yay!), and said person is probably going to be along a time or two to hang out I'm assuming.
Now it's in my nature to tell people things to their faces. I don't like playing games, I don't like pretending, and I certainly don't like being around someone and pretending to like them for the sake of peace. it's like lying, but my bo insists that I still go along with it, that things will work out in time and all will be well.
No, no it won't. I have a mile-long list of the chances I have given his person only to have my hand bitten time and again, I'm not about to do it again.
One of the reasons my guy loves me is because I don't play games, I'm up front and I tell people what I think. Why ask to go back on it now? It makes me feel like my feelings are set aside when he tells me it'll be okay. I bring up why we (my group of friends) shouldn't trust this person, and I get told he just doesn't understand my anger and that I should let it go.
Yeah, that was long, I'm sorry. I'm just irritated. Blah =P.

[Vampiric]

@^ Hooray! A girl who doesn't play games. Like this (http://cad-comic.com/comic.php?d=20050312)? (http://cad-comic.com/comic.php?d=20050316)

[zeratul]

Oh so does anyone have advice on how I can deal with the whole me loving this girl thing without being depressed, and stuff. Because I think I could use some of that .

[Sir_Norbert]

Well, are you still unsure about her feelings or has she definitely rejected you? (Sorry, I don't keep accurate track of everyone else's posts here.) If the former, then try to find out; you sound like you've reached the stage where you need to.

If it's the latter, then use it as the inspiration for a poem or song or novel or RPG or whatever you're best at and then at least you got something beautiful out of it. Something you can treasure and share for a lot longer than the relationship probably would have lasted if you'd started one.

[zeratul]

Well when I told her I liked her a few months ago she said she needed time to mull over things. And according to one of my friends she intends to remain single for this year at least. Since then my feelings have grown to their current state. (as I said before she deffinately likes me as a friend, and we hang out and talk a lot).

[Vampiric]

First off - Has she said it to you? Is it fairly obvious that you're still interested in her? It could be (at worst) that she said she needed to mull it over as a (bad) way of saying no... however, none of us can really say anything without her being the source of a)her feelings for you (just friends/all over you/no, etc...) and b) the staying single for a year. Bring it up just as a friend (if you can), not as an interested party (cos she'll probably be able to tell). Then, come back to us!:smallbiggrin:

And we'll tell you you chase her down like a cheetah on a thomson's gazelle... (and rip her apart like one too...:smalltongue:)

[zeratul]

I'm not sure how obvious I am being, sometimes it's pretty hard for people to tell. That could be a little odd since she didn't tell me about the staying single thing though. It was told to me by a friend who was getting relationship advice from both of us in different AIM conversations. He mentioned that she had said it in the conversation.

[Dragonrider]

Hmm. I've found that relying on secondhand information is usually not a good idea. If you can bring it up naturally without involving you in the question, that would be a good way to find out. (Did that sentence make any sense? I'm not terribly coherent today.) So yes, I agree w/ Vampiric, Zer.

You know what? I've decided the theme song of this thread is "How Can I Tell You" by Cat Stevens. :smallbiggrin:

....So if you can't get up the guts to tell her, we all totally understand here. Since the only time I've ever been brave enough, we both knew what the other felt (me hopelessly in love and him sorry about it but just...not)...but do try.

(I had something else to say - a second point to make - but I can't remember. Like I said, I'm not at my best this afternoon. :smalltongue:)

[Hell Puppi]

Yeah, I'm actually almost getting to the point of that girl Vampiric, and to be honest it's pretty nice:smallbiggrin:
Sorry to interrupt your need for help zeratul, I just needed to get that off my chest =P.
Now to go back and read what I missed in everyone else's lives!

[zeratul]

Well she already knows I like her, as you know, but since I only told her a few months ago and things could develope, I wouldn't want to risk scarring her away by saying I love her.

[ocato]

This girl I really fancied in high school randomly myface messaged me to say she had a crush on me in high school. I haven't talked to her in like 3-4 years. Rando. Rando.


*wanders off, muttering about something*

[Ego Slayer]

Re: Zer's above post. I don't know why but I'd rather only he reads this. It's not quite worthy of a PM, and there's nothing I really care about, but still... *brandishes dagger at everyone else* :smalltongue:


Well she already knows I like her, as you know, but since I only told her a few months ago and things could develope, I wouldn't want to risk scarring her away by saying I love her.
From my experience, I can say to be a little careful. The first guy who I went out with jumped to the "I love yous" way too fast (misenterperating crush-like feelings is bad :smallyuk:), and I got to believing that a lot of the younger folk don't really know what it means (do any of us really know, though?). I'm not saying that you don't know, but I know that both he and I didn't know, and though it wasn't horribly scary when he first said it, it did scare me out of seeing him anymore, and it is scary now to look back on it knowing what love really feels like. Honestly after that, I was scared to ever hear, or say it again...

So, you don't want her to end up like me. :smalltongue: I'd let it develop more. How strongly does she reciprocate your feelings for her? I don't really know what else to tell you. I only have little bits of probably bad advice. Heh...

Anyway, that's just my bad experience, and 2cp... could probably use a little salt.

[zeratul]

Thanks ego

Well I've seriously liked someone before, I knew it was not love, but I liked them a lot (above crush before love). On this occasion however things are very different. This girl encompasses at least half of my thoughts at this point, It literally affects my ability to function. As I said before she's the only person who's had the ability to cheer me up, and clear my thought's with a mere smile, or by just talking to me. I'm in a state of mixed joy of seeing her and fear of screwing up whenever we get together, and get strangely sad upon her leaving. I could go further and further in depth. I did not intend to tell her this, I'm not sure she fully comprehended how much I liked her when I told her originally, and I don't want to ruin any chance for the future. I just need to learn to deal with this without constantly being angsty and or depressed.

[Dragonrider]

That's the early stages, Zer. After a few months, if it's going to last, it'll become more of an always-on-the-back-of-your mind kind of thing, and everything will remind you of her but it's not as much of a conscious every second of the day thing. At least, that's how it was for me. I thought of him constantly, but I wasn't obsessing, it was just kind of a way of life....

Wow. That sounds really, really wrong when I say it like that. I mean not wrong, just...weird.

[Skippy]

That's the early stages, Zer. After a few months, if it's going to last, it'll become more of an always-on-the-back-of-your mind kind of thing, and everything will remind you of her but it's not as much of a conscious every second of the day thing. At least, that's how it was for me. I thought of him constantly, but I wasn't obsessing, it was just kind of a way of life....

Wow. That sounds really, really wrong when I say it like that. I mean not wrong, just...weird.

No, it doesn't sound weird. That's exactly how I have felt for the last... Six months, I think. I need a brainwash, badly. Seriously. It affects my relationships with other people...

[Dragonrider]

Yeah...it's definitely a funny state of mind to be in, though. Like spending every spare moment planning what you'll say next time you talk to them...not to mention dreams. :smalltongue:

What's weirder, actually, is coming out if it. Retraining my mind to not think of him every moment. I still catch myself sometimes and have to remind me you're over him, remember? Probably means I'm NOT but I have to be so there's no use going easy on myself. :smallwink: What surprises me is that my heart no longer skips every time I hear his name, or see his picture, or someone mentions him or a family member. When my phone rings I don't jump to see if it's him anymore. And talking to him has a totally different feeling...I'm not analyzing every moment, it's actually WAY easier.

So I don't know. Thinking back, the two years I spent constantly thinking about him were a pretty strange phase on my life, and I read my journal over the two years and shake my head...but it's such a part of who I was (and am) that honestly even though it didn't work out, I can't say I regret loving him. He's given me a lot and it matured me a lot and all in all I don't think I'd be where I am today without that.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Radikal, you don't need a brainwash. :smalltongue: I don't know the situation, but what my mom told me is that it's never wrong to love. Ever. Foolish, yes it can be, ridiculous even, impossible, but never wrong.

[Skippy]

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Radikal, you don't need a brainwash. :smalltongue: I don't know the situation, but what my mom told me is that it's never wrong to love. Ever. Foolish, yes it can be, ridiculous even, impossible, but never wrong.

Allow me to disagree on that. It was wrong indeed. Out of all the people in the world, I had to choose her. It was indeed wrong, since it brought problems to lots and lots of people. Too many people got hurt just because I fell in love with her. Anyway, that's not the point in here. I don't want to frighten Zer with my own disgraceful experience. Hope you get better luck than I, Zer. As for me, I'm trying hard to keep her on the back of my mind so I can focus on whatever I'm doing, and especially trying to move on and find someone else, someone who I can love without feeling guilty, or without getting in troubles or hurting people. I really need that brainwash.

[banjo1985]

Can it really be wrong to love someone? I'd say it can be hurtful, destructive, inflammatory, sometimes even downright dangerous. But wrong, in the true sense of the word...I don't know.

All I would say is that in some situations it can definitely be wrong to show that love, and it can also be wrong to act upon it, and sometimes you can feel like something is love when it actually isn't. But as for the base feeling being wrong...I have to say I don't think so, but I'm not some oracle of relationships or something :smallsmile:

[Skippy]

Yes, it can be wrong sometimes. When the ove you feel for someone does nothing but hurt you, the person you love, or other people at your surroundings, then loving is wrong. There should be some kind of alert, because it is really, really bad when you finally realise that it wasn't the right thing to do... :smallsigh:

[Syka]

Love is never wrong. How you act upon that love and how other people react can be wrong.

But love is never wrong.

DR, it's normal to still think about him. It's 2 months shy of being a year since my ex and I broke up and, yes, he still crosses my mind. It's no where near the frequency of what it had been at first, and I can go days, weeks, without any thought of him. Then something will trigger it. When you spend three years of your life with someone- there are going to be memories. Don't necessarily push it down, just try not to focus on him. :) You do sound like you are over him. Not forgetting is not the same as not being over them. In my mind, once you love someone it never really goes away. Maybe you'll not think about it much, maybe you'll fall in love again, maybe the person you fell in love with has changed to someone you can't love...But I don't think that the real, lasting sort of love ever leaves, even if that person isn't there anymore.

Sorry, Zer, I can't really give you much advice. :-\

Cheers,
Syka

[Ranis]

I just wanted to say that I completely and totally agree with Syka.

Love is never wrong, or bad.

[Thes Hunter]

This girl I really fancied in high school randomly myface messaged me to say she had a crush on me in high school. I haven't talked to her in like 3-4 years. Rando. Rando.


*wanders off, muttering about something*

If you are currently single, you can not get any clearer of a signal than this. GO FOR IT!

If you are not single, ah well, timing is half the battle in starting a new relationship.


But let this be a lesson to all those boys out there in High School Land. Just because you believe you are too much of a nerd ( or emo, loser, or other negative bull crap), doesn't mean that other people see you that way. Nature of being a teen is for you to be harder on yourself than most other people are being on you. So if you like someone, just go for it. If she doesn't respond that's her problem, deal, etc. It actually has much less to do with you than you ever imagined.

So listen to Nike, Just Do It.
NO! Not! IT! IT! I meant asking her out! Man, young boys!

[Ranis]

So listen to Nike, Just Do It.

See, funny thing is, I "just did it" about 10 times in High School with various females, and all it ever got me was a bad reputation.

[ocato]

If you are currently single, you can not get any clearer of a signal than this. GO FOR IT!

If you are not single, ah well, timing is half the battle in starting a new relationship.


But let this be a lesson to all those boys out there in High School Land. Just because you believe you are too much of a nerd ( or emo, loser, or other negative bull crap), doesn't mean that other people see you that way. Nature of being a teen is for you to be harder on yourself than most other people are being on you. So if you like someone, just go for it. If she doesn't respond that's her problem, deal, etc. It actually has much less to do with you than you ever imagined.

So listen to Nike, Just Do It.
NO! Not! IT! IT! I meant asking her out! Man, young boys!


Well, while I am reluctant to post the exact message, it is a little less direct than I may've made it seem. It was more like "I was starting to develop a crush on you" and then a "If you're ever in [state she lives in now] make sure you look me up and I'll do the same if I'm in Indiana." xoxo is a regular way to end a letter anyway. I'm probably jumping to conclusions. She was neat though-- always laughed at my jokes and hugged me everytime she saw me ...was I really that dense in high school?

[Thes Hunter]

Well, while I am reluctant to post the exact message, it is a little less direct than I may've made it seem. It was more like "I was starting to develop a crush on you" and then a "If you're ever in [state she lives in now] make sure you look me up and I'll do the same if I'm in Indiana." xoxo is a regular way to end a letter anyway. I'm probably jumping to conclusions. She was neat though-- always laughed at my jokes and hugged me everytime she saw me ...was I really that dense in high school?

The answer is Yes, and No. :smallbiggrin: Ok I will stop being a smart butt.

You were probably not picking up on very subtle clues, like her inviting herself over to your house and etc. But she was also likely being shy and playing coy, so the signs would have likely been muddled and mixed even if you had one hella sense motive skill. :smallwink:


Even though xoxoxo is a standard way of closing a letter.... ummm... I still think it's a good sign.... if it wasn't for the living in different states thing. Which is a total bummer.

[zeratul]

Ocato, move to that state.:smallwink:

[Logic]

Ok, I am asking my first advice.

I broke up with an ex over 2 years ago. Though I should have seen it coming a mile away, it was a surprise to me. Various things, some of which I can prove, some I cannot, indicate that this was actually better to have gotten out of that relationship rather than stay for the long haul.

The problem is, even though I am conviced I am over her, she often plagues my dreams. Most recently, my subconsious decided to torture me by making an image of her try to seduce me.

Is this normal? :smallconfused:

[Thes Hunter]

See, funny thing is, I "just did it" about 10 times in High School with various females, and all it ever got me was a bad reputation.

You're a good looking young man, who just lacks self confidence. One of the biggest things young women (or all women really) look for is self-confidence. So don't let the past get you down. You will find someone wonderful who appreciates you, and you just have to not take any rejection personally.

By personally I mean, don't believe for a minute that the person rejected you because you are ugly, or a loser, or bad, or unwantable or any of that rubbish. Because none of it is true. It has a lot to do with the way you present yourself and not with who you are, so it is not a smack against you.

An ugly, moronic butthead can be swimming in girls if he has self-confidence. You are the opposite of all that, so with confidence the rest will come easily.





The problem is, even though I am conviced I am over her, she often plagues my dreams. Most recently, my subconsious decided to torture me by making an image of her try to seduce me.

Is this normal? :smallconfused:


Yeah, especially if you have been in a 'dry' spell. :smallwink:

[Dragonrider]

I would think it is. Like Syka said, when someone is part of your life for that long, they're gonna stick. And dreams are one place where you really don't have any control over your thoughts. My dreams tend to be bizarre but also don't always reflect what I really think or feel...or what I think I do, and that's what counts anyway. :smalltongue:

[Trog]

But let this be a lesson to all those boys out there in High School Land. Just because you believe you are too much of a nerd ( or emo, loser, or other negative bull crap), doesn't mean that other people see you that way. Nature of being a teen is for you to be harder on yourself than most other people are being on you. So if you like someone, just go for it. If she doesn't respond that's her problem, deal, etc. It actually has much less to do with you than you ever imagined.

So listen to Nike, Just Do It.
NO! Not! IT! IT! I meant asking her out! Man, young boys!
To a point. Again, getting a reputation in high school is nothing anyone wants and can stay with you a long time. But as far as at least getting up the nerve to ask out the person you are interested in, yes go for it. Just make sure to also respect yourself. Many out there will not if you don't first. And jumping from one person to the next also might feed your eros but again... the rep thing. Low self esteem can lead down the opposite path as well. Avoid both extremes.

[Thes Hunter]

Of course, Trog being more writerly, says better some of what I was trying to say.

Having the nerve to ask is great, because that is hard.
Having the confidence in yourself that you are a good and desirable person is great, and is also hard (believe me, I know).
But then if the person attempts to treat you like crap, turn around and never look back. Because it means that person wasn't worth being with anyways.

[Trog]

Of course, Trog being more writerly, says better some of what I was trying to say.

Having the nerve to ask is great, because that is hard.
Having the confidence in yourself that you are a good and desirable person is great, and is also hard (believe me, I know).
But then if the person attempts to treat you like crap, turn your around and never look back. Because that means that person wasn't worth being with anyways.

Well actually no. I'm also making sure that people don't throw themselves into tons of meaningless relationships because they need their self esteem boosted by being with someone. All this is going to do is get one a reputation that should, honestly, be avoided by men and women alike.

But your points are valid as well. Don't take any crap from others.

[Thes Hunter]

Well actually no. I'm also making sure that people don't throw themselves into tons of meaningless relationships because they need their self esteem boosted by being with someone. All this is going to do is get one a reputation that should, honestly, be avoided by men and women alike.

But your points are valid as well. Don't take any crap from others.

Well yeah, meaningless relationships are bad. I kinda assumed that it was obvious that I was talking about asking people out in order to build a non-meaningless relationship. But then again, this is da internets, and one should never assume. :smallcool:

[Dragonrider]

This kind of like "Dear Abby", but there's no final answer. :smallcool:


Building a core of friends who could be lying to you with every word they say and you'd never know cuz it's the 'net...yep, our experience here is pretty meaningless. And yet so fulfilling.

[Brickwall]

:smallsigh: This is humiliating...

I'm gonna get this over with.

I made a friend in one of my classes. We don't have all the same interests, but we definitely have a few that coincide. Right, I like friends. Friends are good. I plan on picking up a few more.

Anyway, not the issue. The issue is that she laughs at all my jokes. I mean ALL of them. This is unprecedented. Now, maybe she just has an awesome sense of humor, but...I have heard that it was a symptom of flirtation? I need someone to dig up the test joke. It's either here or in the Crushes thread. I have a feeling it's just the sense of humor thing, since all other tests came up negative (won't let me buy her stuff, has rejected the sharing of food under a somewhat flimsy excuse), but it can't hurt to do another test.

I'd definitely be fine just being friends, though. I have no real drive to get involved in this "romance" crap. I just want to avoid letting stuff slip by if it comes. Because regrets suck.

So. Help me find the joke? Or give me a new one or a new test? Anyone who helps gets a Get Out Of Insult Free certificate.Only applies to personal insults, not general negative statements. Offer not good in Canada, Alaska, Hawaii, or Roswell.

[Thes Hunter]

So. Help me find the joke? Or give me a new one or a new test? Anyone who helps gets a Get Out Of Insult Free certificate.Only applies to personal insults, not general negative statements. Offer not good in Canada, Alaska, Hawaii, or Roswell.


No one has ever laughed at this joke:

Two penguins are standing on an iceburg.
One penguin looks at the other and says "Did you ever notice that it looks like we are always wearing a tux?"
The other penguin says "Who says we aren't?"



(( BTW, it's better to introduce it as one of the funniest jokes ever. Then you don't get rebels like Glaivemaster. :smallwink: ))

[Trog]

Well yeah, meaningless relationships are bad. I kinda assumed that it was obvious that I was talking about asking people out in order to build a non-meaningless relationship. But then again, this is da internets, and one should never assume. :smallcool:

People get into relationships for all kinds of reasons. A very good many of them bad. In fact considering the typical number of relationships people go through and the fact that the VAST majority of them do not end in "Happily Ever After" it is probably best to make sure of why you want to get into a relationship in the first place. Doing so because you are desperate or in a "dry spell" is, in fact, a very very bad reason.

Best to discover what it is you want beyond just "a" relationship and ask what "kind" of relationship you want. Then when you actually get into one you can work towards that which you have already decided on your own. Towards something that YOU want so that you are not relying on the other person overly much. Doing this can be your compass and touchstone for whether or not a relationship is "working" for you.

More experience can help you better define what it is that does and does not work for you, true. Though keep in mind experience does not necessarily mean multiple partners. Just a partner. The rest of the learning is up to you. Know thyself and all that.

[Dragonrider]

I'll skip the teasing of Brickwall that ought by all rights to come at this point....:smallbiggrin:

It's hard to tell. "rejecting the sharing of food under a flimsy excuse" could be as much a sign as anything, you just can't know. If you're not interested in "pursuing" her then there's no reason really to read into it too far - unless you want to know.

(I don't know this "test joke", someone else...?)

[Thes Hunter]

People get into relationships for all kinds of reasons. A very good many of them bad. In fact considering the typical number of relationships people go through and the fact that the VAST majority of them do not end in "Happily Ever After" it is probably best to make sure of why you want to get into a relationship in the first place. Doing so because you are desperate or in a "dry spell" is, in fact, a very very bad reason.

Best to discover what it is you want beyond just "a" relationship and ask what "kind" of relationship you want. Then when you actually get into one you can work towards that which you have already decided on your own. Towards something that YOU want so that you are not relying on the other person overly much. Doing this can be your compass and touchstone for whether or not a relationship is "working" for you.

More experience can help you better define what it is that does and does not work for you, true. Though keep in mind experience does not necessarily mean multiple partners. Just a partner. The rest of the learning is up to you. Know thyself and all that.



Very excellent advice My Love.


So yeah, Listen to Trog and figure out if it is for the right reasons, and if it is, don't let all the negative crap get ya down and in your way. (That was basically my only point. :smallsmile: )

[Glaivemaster]

No one has ever laughed at this joke:

Two penguins are standing on an iceburg.
One penguin looks at the other and says "Did you ever notice that it looks like we are always wearing a tux?"
The other penguin says "Who says we aren't?"

They have now!

[ocato]

Do the John Dorian test.

Quick, tell a joke that isn't funny and see if she laughs.

"Why didn't the skeleton go to the halloween party?"
...
"He had nobody to go with"

[laughter]

That's not fair, that joke is hilarious.

[Trog]

Don't let all the negative crap get ya down and in your way.

Seconded. :smallsmile:

[Brickwall]

Yes, ocato, that was the joke I was looking for. Good boy.

As for DR: A. Nyeeeehhh. B. I did say I would rather know than be ignorant. Were you not paying attention? No certificate for you.

[Ranis]

An ugly, moronic butthead can be swimming in girls if he has self-confidence. You are the opposite of all that, so with confidence the rest will come easily.

Thes, that made me giggle. *hugz*

[Syka]

Brickie,

The not letting you buy her stuff means nothing. I STILL feel bad when a significant other is the one shelling out the money. Other than maybe dinners, I usually don't like having someone else buy me stuff. It's just...weird for me. The only reason they get away with it is by convincing me that it is something they really want to do, and by not accepting my money when I try and pay my share. That, too, is an effective method. As for not sharing food, there are people who freak out about that stuff in general. Pretty much the only reason I'll share food and drinks with boyfriends are because...ya know...I'm kissing them. So there is no compelling reason not too. Otherwise, I don't because I don't want to get sick or anything.

Try this...ask her to go somewhere with you outside of class. That should be a good indicator.

And I'm obligated. Awww, Brickie's gotta cruuuuuuush.

Cheers,
Syka

[zeratul]

GAHHH.....cant....stop.... angsty...wanting...for..her..to...sign...on...to.. AIM...Talking...Like....Schatner....

[Dragonrider]

Zeratul...take a DEEP breath. Relax. She'll be on eventually. :smallsmile:

[Brickwall]

Syka: A. Nyeeh. B. Technically we mostly hang out outside class rather than in...but I suppose you mean more of a "meeting" thing. I'd rather not make a move, though. I'm pretty okay, as stated, with things being forever platonic. I'm not smitten. I'm just trying to establish where I stand with her. It sucks not knowing, especially when there's mixed signals. Damn women and their mind games. :smalltongue:

[Dragonrider]

'twould be funny if she were thinking "damn men and their inability to take a hint...." because to her, if she does have feelings for you, they're probably stunningly obvious.

You friends with any other females in the class whom you could ask about her? cuz they'd have noticed... :smalltongue:

[ocato]

Ha, so I got another message (after I responded) and she sent me a picture of her and I at our senior prom. She wasn't my date, it was more of a 'Hey! You look great' 'so do you!' 'ZOMG photo op, smile!' but it's a pretty cute picture. I need to not read too much into this and get over excited or something stupid because it'll just be setting myself up for a let down. Casual interest, casual interest, casual interest.

[Dragonrider]

ocato, sounds like you're like me (and Syka).....a realist. Just don't let your cynical side rule you too far, or you could miss out on a good opportunity....

But, being a cynical type myself, I would tend to agree with you. Take it easy, don't set yourself up for a letdown. :smallsmile:

[Brickwall]

'twould be funny if she were thinking "damn men and their inability to take a hint...." because to her, if she does have feelings for you, they're probably stunningly obvious.

You friends with any other females in the class whom you could ask about her? cuz they'd have noticed... :smalltongue:

College isn't like high school, especially not after only a few days. I only have one class with her, and she's the only one I know in that class. I doubt any of the other people in the class know her, since it's only met once (I met her before the class started).

ocato: I remember my prom date was strictly "just friends", but we still got a picture and everything. Don't read into it. She might, y'know, have a boyfriend that she's just neglected to tell you about, and you might be setting yourself up for a personal awkward moment. But...just don't read into it. Girls seem to gush over prom pictures no matter what they think of the people in them.

[ocato]

Well, so far this year my experience has been that girls will find me, talk me up, then drop off the face of the earth and never, ever speak to me again. I'm leaning towards that happening. Whatev.

[FdL]

Brick: You can probably tell if she's into you, as I tell you the "laughing at everything you say" for me it's a big clue. If I were you and I wanted to find out, I'd go for it.


ocato, sounds like you're like me (and Syka).....a realist. Just don't let your cynical side rule you too far, or you could miss out on a good opportunity....

I wish I was more of a realist. I have to learn not to wear my heart on my sleeve. I've improved quite a bit, but still :s

My ex gf was one example of realist :s I tell you, it can be pretty awful to be with someone like that in a relationship.
You can never be happy with someone if you hang a sword of Damocles above the relationship yourself.
There's bound to be a healthy middle ground.



Best to discover what it is you want beyond just "a" relationship and ask what "kind" of relationship you want. Then when you actually get into one you can work towards that which you have already decided on your own. Towards something that YOU want so that you are not relying on the other person overly much. Doing this can be your compass and touchstone for whether or not a relationship is "working" for you.


This is great advice.

[Brickwall]

Brick: You can probably tell if she's into you, as I tell you the "laughing at everything you say" for me it's a big clue. If I were you and I wanted to find out, I'd go for it.

It's just my jokes, dude. If she laughed at everything I said, I'd say "insane", not "crush". :smalleek:

[FdL]

It's just my jokes, dude. If she laughed at everything I said, I'd say "insane", not "crush". :smalleek:

...everything funny you say...

[rubakhin]

I dunno if it's a sign. Is she American? Many Americans seem socialized to laugh automatically at anything presented as a joke. I was talking to this woman once (she definitely was not into me) and I made a sarcastic reference to a 19th century poet. She laughed at it, so I went off on a humorous tangent that would make absolutely no sense unless you had passing familiarity with the poètes maudits. Halfway through it, I stopped dead and asked, "Wait. Do you know who any of these people are?" She confessed that she didn't. She had been laughing at everything I said for a solid minute and a half of complete gibberish.

(Although, by all means, don't let that stop you from trying to ask her out or anything. That is, ultimately, the only way you can figure out how she feels.)

[Midnight Son]

I dunno if it's a sign. Is she American? Many Americans seem socialized to laugh automatically at anything presented as a joke. I was talking to this woman once (she definitely was not into me) and I made a sarcastic reference to a 19th century poet. She laughed at it, so I went off on a humorous tangent that would make absolutely no sense unless you had passing familiarity with the poètes maudits. Halfway through it, I stopped dead and asked, "Wait. Do you know who any of these people are?" She confessed that she didn't. She had been laughing at everything I said for a solid minute and a half of complete gibberish.I blame it on corporate speak. I can't count the times I sat there while everyone laughed because the boss told a "joke" before his presentation.

Oh, ummmm...ralationships, yeah. My only woe is not being in one, but I'm not gonna go be in one just for the sake of being in one. As for advice; If you like her, tell her. If you like him, tell him.

[Youngblood]

@Brickwall - Hmmm, well, given the info thus far I don't think the laughing is a flirty thing. And the not wanting you to buy her things isn't an indication that she's not into you, either. Personally, I hate it when guys I don't know very well try to buy me things, regardless of any potential romantic interest. It's entirely possible that she's also trying to figure out whether you have any romantic interest in her or even how she feels about you before agreeing to anything that could possible be construed as date-like. So, if you wanted to test the waters a little bit, you could invite her to do something that is relatively low-key like going to get ice cream or something. Dinner and a movie are standard date activities and can make some people nervous if they aren't sure how they feel about the other person yet. Ice cream and a walk around the mall are less formal and if there's really no chemistry then it can just be a "friends hanging out" thing..

[Vampiric]

@Brickwall - Hmmm, well, given the info thus far I don't think the laughing is a flirty thing. And the not wanting you to buy her things isn't an indication that she's not into you, either. Personally, I hate it when guys I don't know very well try to buy me things, regardless of any potential romantic interest.

You women all love it really :smalltongue:
I've dated (briefly) a friend of mine who said she hated it...

tip: guys, any girl who says she hates it will like it, when you do it. However, don't go overboard. If they say they hate it, do it, but not too much... :smallamused:


Dinner and a movie are standard date activities and can make some people nervous if they aren't sure how they feel about the other person yet. Ice cream and a walk around the mall are less formal and if there's really no chemistry then it can just be a "friends hanging out" thing..

Dammit! why didn't I think of that?!

[Brickwall]

I dunno if it's a sign. Is she American? Many Americans seem socialized to laugh automatically at anything presented as a joke. I was talking to this woman once (she definitely was not into me) and I made a sarcastic reference to a 19th century poet. She laughed at it, so I went off on a humorous tangent that would make absolutely no sense unless you had passing familiarity with the poètes maudits. Halfway through it, I stopped dead and asked, "Wait. Do you know who any of these people are?" She confessed that she didn't. She had been laughing at everything I said for a solid minute and a half of complete gibberish.

(Although, by all means, don't let that stop you from trying to ask her out or anything. That is, ultimately, the only way you can figure out how she feels.)

That is a very good point. I don't know her well enough to know whether she's one of "those" girls or not. To be fair, she was neither born in America nor raised in a household with American cultural background. Then again, since it's a property of any culture where laughing at someone's jokes is considered a nice thing to do, it probably doesn't matter where she's from. :smallsigh: , nationalists.


You women all love it really
I've dated (briefly) a friend of mine who said she hated it...

tip: guys, any girl who says she hates it will like it, when you do it. However, don't go overboard. If they say they hate it, do it, but not too much...

To be clear, peeps, we're talking about buying things for girls. Minds out of the gutter.

Gotta agree with you, though, Vamps. The girls I've talked to admit it.

You know what? It's probably nothing. I'm obviously just a very funny guy who knows how to make a girl laugh without having to take off my shirt. I'll just ignore unless she starts acting really odd. I shouldn't have even bothered with you lot.

Stupid females being all...articulate and all...*mumble* (if you don't know why I used that word, you need to stay in your basement more)

[Dragonrider]

She might be articulate, but I would hope she's not naked? :smalltongue:

[Grrth]

Brickwall--

One thing you can do that's borderline friends/romantic interest is to ask her where her next class is, following the one you share, and walk her there. Seems archaic, but it's something that normally only girl-to-girl friends do, to chat. As a male, asking a female to do that, it's an opening.

If she enjoys your company she'll say yes. Take it slow, be a friend first, find out what her interests are, and then maybe invite her to meet you somewhere at an event and see what happens.

I'll tell you a funny story ... my first outing off campus with my hubby, we wandered about the mall and 'played' at a geeky store, I forget the name of it now, but it has all sorts of engineering/scientificy things out you can mess with, geared towards preteens and teens, mostly, but it was nifty. Anyway, back on track, later on, and I mean months down the road, my now-MIL told me that my hubby called her following that hang-out and told her that I had kept 'bumping' into him while we walked and he said he couldn't figure out if I was just naturally clumsy (which I am) or if I meant something by that. She said she laughed her head off and he got offended and hung up. She called him back later to say that, yes, that would've been my oh-so-obvious attempt to get him to hold my hand!

:biggrin:

Of course, when we went our separate ways that day, I happened to ask him, ever-so-cautiously, if he knew what DnD was (I hated to come across as a huge geek right away) and he laughed and said he'd been playing Magic for years and years and of course he knew what DnD was! I invited him to a marathon session with me and my regular game and that, as they say, was that.

Of course now he knows me for the geek I am, but at the time he told me he'd been really nervous about me discovering his geek flag and was floored when I confessed mine first! Haha, so you should never assume who's going to be into what, because, well, you just never know, do you?

[Syka]

Yah...it's always funny when those attempts at hand holding etc go unnoticed. ;) Happened to me enough. But you're juuuust nervous/unsure enough to not want to risk it.

Cute story though. :smallsmile:

Cheers,
Syka

[Dragonrider]

That's a REALLY cute story, Grrth! :smallsmile: Made me smile, anyway.


So uh, not to bring myself up again or anything, I will see my former interest tomorrow...and I'm looking forward to seeing him (last time was the end of July) but nervous because I'm not sure what to expect from myself. I mean, I'm hoping I can act like a normal human being since I'm NOT in love with him anymore, but I don't know, it's gonna be weird...fingeres crossed it'll be all right. I keep forgetting that he's human too and is doing his best to make our friendship work as well. :smalltongue:

[Brickwall]

...do I get points for having already done that? Technically, it was not to her next class, since that was the last class of the day for us both, and she commutes, but I asked where she was going, and she wasn't sure whether she should just have a parent pick up her books, or go get them herself. So I, in all my wisdom, offered to walk her there. She accepted (why would you say no, though?), and we chatted on the way there. Is there a meaning behind that which I do not know? Does she think I'm hitting on her? That would be awkward, because walking someone somewhere is pretty platonic for me...:smalleek:

Okay, this has transformed into a whole new kind of possible awkwardness. I really wish you hadn't mentioned it. I could have continued on in ignorant bliss instead of being worried that I was sending across signals.

I'll say it again: damn women and their mind games!

DR: No, she's not a nudist, and is this the one that your cousin is dating or is one I forgot? I can't keep all your former interests straight.

[Syka]

Generally, a male who is not a good friend going out of his way to walk with a female to her destination is seen as a sign of interest. Not always, but usually. And yes, it is possible to turn down the offer. I know I turned down the offer from a guy in my classes who just came on way too strong, even after I'd let him know I wasn't interested.

DR, best of luck. :smallsmile:

I, myself, am over here getting all happy and nervous and stuff 'cause Oz is coming up on Saturday morning. This'll really be the first time I've seen him since we started dating. And the first time I'll be seeing him while my mind is totally coherent since before I left(hehe...staying up until 6 does not mean the mind is actually awake. I'd say mine started going fuzzy around 4).

Cheers,
Syka

[Sir_Norbert]

So uh, not to bring myself up again or anything, I will see my former interest tomorrow...and I'm looking forward to seeing him (last time was the end of July) but nervous because I'm not sure what to expect from myself. I mean, I'm hoping I can act like a normal human being since I'm NOT in love with him anymore, but I don't know, it's gonna be weird...fingeres crossed it'll be all right. I keep forgetting that he's human too and is doing his best to make our friendship work as well. :smalltongue:
Good luck and let us know how it goes. You will be in our thoughts.

[Holy_Knight]

It's two in the morning and I STILL got the Farscape reference. :smallbiggrin: Awesomeness.

Cheers,
Syka

Glad to be of service--it's always nice to meet another fan. Farscape is my favorite show. :smallsmile:



Stupid females being all...articulate and all...*mumble* (if you don't know why I used that word, you need to stay in your basement more)

She might be articulate, but I would hope she's not naked? :smalltongue:

Man, I don't know whether the people on this thread are totally cool, or I just have the best signature of all time. Probably both. :smallcool:


@^ Hooray! A girl who doesn't play games. Like this (http://cad-comic.com/comic.php?d=20050312)? (http://cad-comic.com/comic.php?d=20050316)
The best part about that is that she literally was just getting close to him to kill him and steal his money.


This girl I really fancied in high school randomly myface messaged me to say she had a crush on me in high school. I haven't talked to her in like 3-4 years. Rando. Rando.

*other points about a girl who clearly likes him, but he's not sure*

I have to say, ocato, it sounds to me like she's definitely interested. It seems like the kind of thing where she's thinking: "You know, I still regret not going for it with ocato--he was a great guy. I wonder what he'd say if I saw him now?" If you are interested in her, and the only thing holding you back is not being sure whether she still thinks of you that way, I don't think you need to worry. (Yes, the different states thing can be a problem, but I'm just talking about your and her feelings, here.)



Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. Radikal, you don't need a brainwash. :smalltongue: I don't know the situation, but what my mom told me is that it's never wrong to love. Ever. Foolish, yes it can be, ridiculous even, impossible, but never wrong.

Love is never wrong. How you act upon that love and how other people react can be wrong.

But love is never wrong.

I just wanted to say that I completely and totally agree with Syka.

Love is never wrong, or bad.
Well... here's the thing though. Maybe love is never wrong--if we're talking about true love, that seems correct. But--and this is a big but--people have an unfortunate tendency to mistake things like infatuation, crushes, lust, obsessions, and even strong romantic attraction for actual love. And when you take a view like "love is never wrong" as your mindset, you run a very big risk of falling into some very wrong things, in the supposed name of love.



Even though xoxoxo is a standard way of closing a letter.... ummm... I still think it's a good sign.... if it wasn't for the living in different states thing. Which is a total bummer.

'twould be funny if she were thinking "damn men and their inability to take a hint...." because to her, if she does have feelings for you, they're probably stunningly obvious.
Oh, see, now, that's another thing! If girls wonder why we don't pick up on their "stunningly obvious clues", it's because you do stuff like this! A guy would never sign a letter with "xoxo", "love" (or even "luv"), or "hugs" or anything like that unless it was to someone he was interested in. But girls do that all the time! It's no wonder we can't tell when you're coming onto us if you act the same way toward everyone else! [/rant] :smalleek:



I'll tell you a funny story ... my first outing off campus with my hubby, we wandered about the mall and 'played' at a geeky store, I forget the name of it now, but it has all sorts of engineering/scientificy things out you can mess with, geared towards preteens and teens, mostly, but it was nifty. Anyway, back on track, later on, and I mean months down the road, my now-MIL told me that my hubby called her following that hang-out and told her that I had kept 'bumping' into him while we walked and he said he couldn't figure out if I was just naturally clumsy (which I am) or if I meant something by that. She said she laughed her head off and he got offended and hung up. She called him back later to say that, yes, that would've been my oh-so-obvious attempt to get him to hold my hand!

:biggrin:
Heh. See, if you want something like this to work, you need to do the full-on classic "trip and 'accidentally' fall into his arms". ("Accidentally" falling and somehow collapsing together into a suggestive position on the ground can work too, but has a higher risk of injury.)

Anyway, that's a nice story of you and your husband. :smallsmile:


Ok, I am asking my first advice.

I broke up with an ex over 2 years ago. Though I should have seen it coming a mile away, it was a surprise to me. Various things, some of which I can prove, some I cannot, indicate that this was actually better to have gotten out of that relationship rather than stay for the long haul.

The problem is, even though I am conviced I am over her, she often plagues my dreams. Most recently, my subconsious decided to torture me by making an image of her try to seduce me.

Is this normal? :smallconfused:
Logic, that is a succubus entering your dreams to seduce you and devour your soul. She chose the appearance of your ex because of the history of attraction between you two. You're in extreme danger. You must resist her at all costs!

...Okay, on a more serious note, yes, that sounds pretty normal. One thing to remember is that dreams are often symbolic, and are typically an expression of something your subconscious is dealing with and trying to work out. If you told us more details about the dream we could probably come up with a decent interpretation. But as a starting point, ask yourself this: What could your girlfriend represent, both in her own right and in terms of trying to seduce you? If you think of a compelling answer to that question, you may see what the dream really means.


This kind of like "Dear Abby", but there's no final answer. :smallcool:


Building a core of friends who could be lying to you with every word they say and you'd never know cuz it's the 'net...yep, our experience here is pretty meaningless. And yet so fulfilling.
Well that's a disturbing thought... :smallfrown:


Do the John Dorian test.

Quick, tell a joke that isn't funny and see if she laughs.

"Why didn't the skeleton go to the halloween party?"
...
"He had nobody to go with"

[laughter]

That's not fair, that joke is hilarious.
Don't actually use that joke, though, Brickwall, because she may have seen that episode of Scrubs.



My ex gf was one example of realist :s I tell you, it can be pretty awful to be with someone like that in a relationship.
You can never be happy with someone if you hang a sword of Damocles above the relationship yourself.
Hey, nice reference, FdL. :smallcool:


@Brickwall - Hmmm, well, given the info thus far I don't think the laughing is a flirty thing. And the not wanting you to buy her things isn't an indication that she's not into you, either. Personally, I hate it when guys I don't know very well try to buy me things, regardless of any potential romantic interest. It's entirely possible that she's also trying to figure out whether you have any romantic interest in her or even how she feels about you before agreeing to anything that could possible be construed as date-like. So, if you wanted to test the waters a little bit, you could invite her to do something that is relatively low-key like going to get ice cream or something. Dinner and a movie are standard date activities and can make some people nervous if they aren't sure how they feel about the other person yet. Ice cream and a walk around the mall are less formal and if there's really no chemistry then it can just be a "friends hanging out" thing..
Well, I don't think that going for ice cream would solve the problem regarding who pays for what. On that note, I think that a lot of guys (and probably girls) tend to think of that as a determinant for whether something is a date situation or a "just friends" one. That is, if the guy pays, and the girl doesn't object, that's a way to signal interest if it wasn't clear beforehand or the people involved are shy. At the very least, I know that if I tried to pay for a girl and she didn't want me to, I would take that as her saying she wasn't interested in dating.

[zeratul]

Gah, this is not good, every time I see her it feels like I'm having an ulser, physical pain was not part of the description....... (soory for any interuptions)

[Brickwall]

Man, I don't know whether the people on this thread are totally cool, or I just have the best signature of all time. Probably both. :smallcool:

... :smallconfused:

Trust me, it has nothing to do with you. I just watched Firefly pretty recently.

Yay for Syka! LDRs aren't fun. As far as I know. I've never actually been in one. Maybe they are fun?

zer: Uhhh...you have issues. Do something about them. Seriously, we can't advise you any more. If you're having girl troubles you can't solve, go to the Depression thread. That's where you go to whine if you don't think anybody can help.

[Hell Puppi]

Gah, this is not good, every time I see her it feels like I'm having an ulser, physical pain was not part of the description....... (soory for any interuptions)

Eh, that happens for girls, too.
Look at it this way, at least you don't have an anxiety disorder!:smallbiggrin:

[zeratul]

... :smallconfused:

Trust me, it has nothing to do with you. I just watched Firefly pretty recently.

Yay for Syka! LDRs aren't fun. As far as I know. I've never actually been in one. Maybe they are fun?

zer: Uhhh...you have issues. Do something about them. Seriously, we can't advise you any more. If you're having girl troubles you can't solve, go to the Depression thread. That's where you go to whine if you don't think anybody can help.

Yeah sorry, Ima stop till I have anything you guys can actually, ya know give advise to me on. Now I'm just whining. In any case....

Ocato : Don't immediately disregard it, I say start emailing her back and forth, and see what happens, who knows, she might be interested in you.

[ocato]

That's not true. Everyone (boys) know that girls are all flawlessly confident and never have any kind of worry about relationships. They are either enamored and using woman tricks to make you think they aren't (or make it hard to tell) or they are completely oblivious to your affections.

That was a joke, failure to notice such is the same as legally signing over your house to me. Because I said so, it's legal, right socko? Yessir, legal contract, verrigood.

EDIT: Yeah, good advice. I've been doing that. Typically in these situations, she'll stop emailing me back and I can go back to my life as sadnormal.

[zeratul]

EDIT: Yeah, good advice. I've been doing that. Typically in these situations, she'll stop emailing me back and I can go back to my life as sadnormal.

Ah but remember, she emailed you. She also said she liked you in high school. Seems a tad odd for someone just to say "Hey and by the way I liked you in high school!" without a reason.

[Syka]

Brick, I know them all too well. My last relationship was a month of me being at home and then I moved. So technically...I don't think I've ever had a 'normal' relationship. So yes...I know how it goes all too well.

Hehe, evidently the ladies where he works were giving him a hard time today about this weekend and making fun of the smile on his face. :smallsmile: This means he has let them know about me. This makes me a happy girl.

Cheers,
Syka

[Brickwall]

And I bet they're all jealous :smallbiggrin:

It's nice to see someone having a happy relationship. There are only five I can think of in the Playground. Wait...6. Wait...yeah, 6 Playgrounders who have happy relationships as far as I know. So...you're a priveleged minority, Syka.

In other news, the Ren Faire I've just joined up with has a 4:1 female:male ratio! It's a good thing many of them are tall, because I can't afford neck pain this year. :smallwink:

[ocato]

Ren fairs are usually stocked with sultry geek ladies. It's why they're called fairs and not Ren bazaars.

/wakkawakka

[Brickwall]

...Even Death would grow sick of such pun-sihment :smallyuk:

[Dragonrider]

DR: No, she's not a nudist, and is this the one that your cousin is dating or is one I forgot? I can't keep all your former interests straight.

Only one, Brickwall, only one. Do I make him sound schizophrenic? :smalltongue: good for me!


That's not true. Everyone (boys) know that girls are all flawlessly confident and never have any kind of worry about relationships. They are either enamored and using woman tricks to make you think they aren't (or make it hard to tell) or they are completely oblivious to your affections.

....or just as confused as you. :smallwink:

[ocato]

....or just as confused as you. :smallwink:

Thanks for the house!

[Brickwall]

Only one, Brickwall, only one. Do I make him sound schizophrenic? :smalltongue: good for me!

More you make it sound like you're batting eyelashes at every guy who gives you the time of day, but as long as its cleared up now... :smalltongue:

[Dragonrider]

I feel bad for the reputation I didn't know I had.

Ironic too, considering he's been the only one EVER. I'm sure some other guy will come along someday and I'll eat my words. But for now....

[Serpentine]

Ocato, I'm rather jealous of you. Even though I'm in a happy relationship (one of the 6?), it'd make me happy beyond words if the guy I crushed on in high school decided to track me down and open communications. Rather unlikely, though :smallfrown: :smallsigh: Actually, there's another guy I think I only appreciated after finishing that I'd love to talk to again, too... (he was so mean and sarcastic to everyone, except me for some reason. I have three theories on this matter, roughly in decending order of likelihood: 1. I was the last person to know about a certain scandal involving him, and ignored it even after I knew it, so he felt he could talk to me without fear of judgement, 2. He needed someone to be nice to amongst all these antagonisms, a sort of eye in the storm, or 3. He actually liked me)

Grrth, I'm not generally really one for public displays of affection, even handholding. So I usually go for toe-touching under the table and finger-brushes in dark cinemas, instead :smallwink: :smalltongue:

[FdL]

At this point I'm thinking I might not ever be in a relationshio with a girl for the rest of my life. Should I switch to the Depression Thread already?

Also...Hmmm...Lately I've really been itching to contact my ex, just to know how she is or something... :( I miss her even in a non-romantic way.

[Midnight Son]

At this point I'm thinking I might not ever be in a relationshio with a girl for the rest of my life. Should I switch to the Depression Thread already?Dude, you're what?..barely old enough to even have fallen in love once(maybe twice)? I'm 36, I've been in and out of love with more than a few women, I've had my heart utterly crushed 5 times, and I still have hope that one will stick eventually. (maybe I'm just delusional)

[ocato]

Dude, you're what?..barely old enough to even have fallen in love once(maybe twice)? I'm 36, I've been in and out of love with more than a few women, I've had my heart utterly crushed 5 times, and I still have hope that one will stick eventually. (maybe I'm just delusional)

You aren't delusional pal. You seem pretty nice, I mean, I think positively of you. It'll happen. Even if we have to make you a woman out of toaster parts and corpses.

[FdL]

Dude, you're what?..barely old enough to even have fallen in love once(maybe twice)? I'm 36, I've been in and out of love with more than a few women, I've had my heart utterly crushed 5 times, and I still have hope that one will stick eventually. (maybe I'm just delusional)

31. It's just that objectively I can't see it happening. But well, weirder things happen all the time.

[Hell Puppi]

You aren't delusional pal. You seem pretty nice, I mean, I think positively of you. It'll happen. Even if we have to make you a woman out of toaster parts and corpses.

How about POP TARTS and corpses?

We'll make her strawberry, so she'll be pink and delicious :smallbiggrin:

[Midnight Son]

How about POP TARTS and corpses?

We'll make her strawberry, so she'll be pink and delicious :smallbiggrin:Not a huge fan of fake strawberry. Cherry or cinnamon spice would be good though. And corpses? I always did like my women with a little...spark.:smalleek:


31. It's just that objectively I can't see it happening. But well, weirder things happen all the time.Really? I thought you were more like 21 for some reason. I take it back. You have the right to be a bit angsty once you reach 30.

[FdL]

Really? I thought you were more like 21 for some reason. I take it back.


This part of your post makes me feel better... ^^



You have the right to be a bit angsty once you reach 30.

...while certainly this one doesn't :p

[Brickwall]

I always did like my women with a little...spark.:smalleek:

Hence the original suggestion for toaster parts.

[ocato]

Exactly, Brickwall. At least someone gets my plan. *shoulders grave robbing shovel*

[Holy_Knight]

... :smallconfused:

Trust me, it has nothing to do with you. I just watched Firefly pretty recently.

You misunderstood. I was saying it's cool that there are so many Farscape and Firefly fans here, not that my signature inspired your comments.

[Rykaj]

Oh, see, now, that's another thing! If girls wonder why we don't pick up on their "stunningly obvious clues", it's because you do stuff like this! A guy would never sign a letter with "xoxo", "love" (or even "luv"), or "hugs" or anything like that unless it was to someone he was interested in. But girls do that all the time! It's no wonder we can't tell when you're coming onto us if you act the same way toward everyone else! [/rant]

I just had to comment on this one. If you're finding it so hard to react appropriately on it, just give them the exact same treatment! Just go around and give xoxo's (what happened to just 'x' btw?) at the end of all your messages and leave them to react to it. I pretty much sign all my personal messages with hug or kiss or '-x'. I don't really get scared when people send me hugs or kisses either anymore. You should try it! :smallwink:

[Brickwall]

Exactly, Brickwall. At least someone gets my plan. *shoulders grave robbing shovel*

Come, Fritz! We must make Midnight Son...a bride!

*has never seen Bride of Frankenstein. Just making it up, folks*

[Charity]

Come, Fritz! We must make Midnight Son...a bride!


Is anyone else picturing Midnight Son in the Rocky horror picture show?

[Zeb The Troll]

31. It's just that objectively I can't see it happening. But well, weirder things happen all the time.Honestly, I'd all but given up hope of finding someone new until just recently. Okay, of course I still hoped but I was over 30, single for years, and was starting to get desperate. No, really. I even signed up for a dating service (I'm still making payments on that trainwreck too. :smallannoyed: ). Not one of those online ones either. A place where you go downtown and interview the nice lady that has all the pictures of all the happy couples she's made and she writes a bunch of stuff down about you and takes your picture and then they start mailing you profiles of other clients they think you'd like. I paid an ungodly sum for 12 referrals. I received four before I gave up on them. They kept sending me these horrible profiles of people that didn't seem to have anything in common with me and nothing that I'd said I was looking for in a potential spouse. I called all of them anyway, because you never know. One of the four returned my calls. We even went out on four dates and I thought things were going well. Then one day she just stopped returning my calls. Never heard from her again.

Anyway, to get back to my point, one day it just happened. Okay it was a weekend and it was an amazingly fun weekend (Thanks, Johnson City, Tennessee!) but I hadn't gone there with any intention of doing anything more than having a ton of fun with other playgrounders. It's been a couple of months of medium distance dating since then* but we're still having a fabulous time (one, no two, of the six?). So yeah, it's too early to decide that you're never going to have another girlfriend.

*medium distance meaning we live far enough apart (~225 miles) that we only get to see each other on the weekends, but I don't want to call it long distance out of respect for those who are in relationships with people that they'd love to be able to see every weekend.

[Sir_Norbert]

Funny, three of the "six" have already come out of the woodwork and I can think of another four (including myself) besides them :P

Trouble is, I found out yesterday that Valeran won't be able to visit me in December as we'd been hoping. I'm going to see if I can visit her instead, but for complicated reasons doing it that way round will mean we can only make it two weeks -- it would have been nice to spend longer together. Still, we're planning on going on holiday together to Hawaii in the spring, so we have that to look forward to.

[Syka]

Zeb, that's about as far away as Oz is from me. What's keeping us from visiting every weekend is a combination of the following: work, school, he has to get a hotel when he comes to visit me, and I have to get a bus back home. It makes it difficult, but it works. I'm planning to go home around Oct 18 so I can visit him. :) But just because it's shorter than some, doesn't mean it isn't still long distance.

I still feel terrible that I can't offer him a place to stay.

Hm...I'm beginning to get pretty nervous, wondering if it's going to be the same as when I left three weeks ago. I'm pretty sure it will be, especially since we've been talking every night and such. But my mind can't help wonder if something'll be different. :smallsigh: Silly mind. It has yet to be right on that front (I'm used to this particular train of thought with long distance).

Cheers,
Syka

[Sir_Norbert]

I'm sure you'll be fine, and look forward to hearing how it goes :)

[Brickwall]

I still feel terrible that I can't offer him a place to stay.

Oh, I'm sure you can if you try really hard. :smallwink:

Anyway, everyone who's saying "am I one of the six?" I have never heard of being in a happy relationship. So if you have to ask, I don't care enough about you to know.

[Jibar]

Oh there's more than 6 people here with happy relationships.
I for example have a very happy relationship going with an excess of chocolate.

Though on an update on what I'd last posted here if you remember, I'm getting a little creeped out by how many people warn me off this girl.
I mean really, can one person be so bad to warrant this many warnings?

Oh well. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to get my Cadbury Chocolate Button addiction going again.

[zeratul]

Yes, yes they can. Remember my words jibar. Warm, fuzzy, temptress.

[ocato]

Well there's some people you care to keep in touch with after high school, other people you wish you had kept in touch with, but mostly people you don't care to keep in touch with. You fall into the category wishing I had kept in touch with you. High school is such a joke & you realize the people you should've been friends with are the people you weren't really friends with. If I could do it over I'd do some things differently.

Why is this so hard to decipher. I feel like I'm A. reading another language B. Putting insanely too much thought into this or C. Trying to project something that isn't there into this

[FdL]

Probably reading too much into it. But if it's open to interpretation, then it could be. No one from HS has tracked me.

[Vampiric]

Follow it up. Talk to her about it. It is possible to over-interpret stuff like that. You might as well just straight out ask. Otherwise you'll be killing yourself over what it means. Believe me, I've done the same.

[sktarq]

Right this wasn't in the plan.

Right been dating a girl for the past 4 months...we never ment it to be serious but oh well-it became so. She's gone now, left yesterday. For the best....we both know it wouldn't have worked long term (why it wasn't supposed to be serious)...so we just have good memories......It still hurts right now though.

well the phone still works.

[FdL]

Follow it up. Talk to her about it. It is possible to over-interpret stuff like that. You might as well just straight out ask. Otherwise you'll be killing yourself over what it means. Believe me, I've done the same.

Yeah, I think so too. Personally I don't like my tendency to overthink so lately I've made a point to try to talk things straight as soon as they pop in my head.

[Sir_Norbert]

Why is this so hard to decipher. I feel like I'm A. reading another language B. Putting insanely too much thought into this or C. Trying to project something that isn't there into this
It just means "I wish I'd kept in touch with you". ;)

[FdL]

Oh, sure. That's the literal meaning. But everything has a reason after it.

Glimpse at how I usually think about these things:

Is she a friendly girl who reminisces about her high school days in general? So, she'd do this same thing with pretty much everyone. Maybe only people she remembers. Actually, maybe just people she liked.

Or maybe she would have wanted to keep in touch with Ocato in particular. It could be that she remembers him in a special way, because why would you track anyone who you haven't seen in such a long time?

[Ranis]

Okay guys, uhh.....bad news. I took her out on Tuesday, everything was cool, and she started telling me that she was in love with me. Akward. We talk more over the week, and I came into work today(Saturday), glance over at where she was taking her break, and observe her kissing another guy!

:smalleek:

"What the hell was that?"
"It's not a big deal, we're not going out."
"Well, you could've fooled me!"

Apparently, I was just a tool to get her ex jealous enough to get back with her, and we did....some physical things in the process(nothing too crazy, mind) that got me really confused with myself. But now, I just feel dirty; like that soiled and discarded spatula after you get done making brownies.

I....I need a hug. I'm going to go assume the fetal position and cry myself to sleep, later.

[Pyrian]

Damn, Ranis. That's terrible. What an awful person she is.

[Serpentine]

>uberhugs for Ranis<
I read somewhere that crying offers an emotional release for women, that is serves an actual psychological purpose, but that it doesn't do that for men. Still, it's worth a try... Have a big serving of the male equivalent to chocolate, too. Doctor's Daughter's orders.

[Sir_Norbert]

:( That's horrible.

[Logic]

Poor Ranis. I had high hopes for you. Inform her (if you haven't already) that such behavior will not be tolerated if she desires your company. Then tell her you do not wish to see her in that way anymore.

[Hoggy]

I've screwed up again, whoopdefreakindo. Can't really post it here though, it'd be scrubbed. Any takers? Please? :(

[Crow]

I'm new. I'll try.

[Serpentine]

I'm always open, but I don't know how helpful I could be.

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

I'm always open, but I don't know how helpful I could be.


Sigh, I'm going to get in trouble for laughing at that quote aren't I? I was trying to be good and not post, and then there goes Serpy with a classic post.

*Would go post about how brilliant Serp is, but if he put it in a list, she would just ignore it* :smallwink:

[Ranis]

Poor Ranis. I had high hopes for you. Inform her (if you haven't already) that such behavior will not be tolerated if she desires your company. Then tell her you do not wish to see her in that way anymore.

Oh, it's already come to the point to where if she talks to me again at work, I'm getting her for harrassment; I don't want to even so much as look at her again.

[Serpentine]

Sigh, I'm going to get in trouble for laughing at that quote aren't I? I was trying to be good and not post, and then there goes Serpy with a classic post.
:smallsigh:


*Would go post about how brilliant Serp is, but if he put it in a list, she would just ignore it* :smallwink:
:smallfrown: ...but I likes attention.

Ranis: Harrassment? o.O She's been bugging you, too?

[Ranis]

If she talks to me again, I just might hit her in the face, so yes, she would be bugging me.

[Brickwall]

>uberhugs for Ranis<
I read somewhere that crying offers an emotional release for women, that is serves an actual psychological purpose, but that it doesn't do that for men. Still, it's worth a try... Have a big serving of the male equivalent to chocolate, too. Doctor's Daughter's orders.

That's a load of crock: crying isn't a psychological release, it's a chemical one. And it works for both sexes equally.

And if you must know, the male equivalent to chocolate is meat with some kind of meat sauce (BBQ, A1, something else, etc), followed by chocolate. :smallbiggrin:

*is now hankering for a big juicy cheeseburger with chili, barbeque sauce, and bacon*

Ranis: I'm really not sure you'll be able to successfully file for harrassment. I've never known anybody in charge to think that there's no better way to solve the problem. They always theink "talking to them about how you feel" will work. It's another load of crock: people like that don't care how you feel; you'd just be giving them a good laugh. Anyway, point is, you'll really just have to deal with you bugging her, and try to remember that she's too emotionally retarded to realize that she's not supposed to do stuff like that. Kind of like how a dog doesn't realize it shouldn't eat your important documents or pee on your stuff. Just place as little importance upon her as possible, and never trust her again. No need to try to deal with unsympathetic authorities.

[YPU]

A relationship woe indeed,
My girlfriend has dumped me, not because she doesn’t like me anymore, she likes me as much as she did the first day. But she just couldn’t take it, well, me anymore. Eventually we decided to stay apart for one or two months, till my birthday at last and then see further. We, of course, decided to stay friends.
First of all, the fact that I know I have in the past said I would change and did not lead to this makes it rather hard on me, but that is not the point right now.
I am having problems knowing how to approach her right now. I know saying sweet things will hurt her in a way right now, I could of course not say them and act normally. Totally ignoring her I could probably not do, but what is the right way to talk and walk with her, should I let her know I still have hope, or should I try to stay neutral?
And, something right now much more pressing on me, how the heck do I get over the heartbroken pain? Seriously, I do get all the songs and poetry right now, but they don’t help at all, and indeed it seems everywhere I look something reminds me of her.

[Glaivemaster]

>uberhugs for Ranis<
I read somewhere that crying offers an emotional release for women, that is serves an actual psychological purpose, but that it doesn't do that for men. Still, it's worth a try... Have a big serving of the male equivalent to chocolate, too. Doctor's Daughter's orders.

Crying's always helped for me in the past, so it might not be a bad idea, if you feel like doing it

YPU: Try not being too obsessive, but don't become too detached either. Find a good middle ground that feels comfortable. If she wants to be friends, treat her like a friend, and if she doesn't want to get back together, well, you'll get over it eventually

[Sir_Norbert]

First of all, the fact that I know I have in the past said I would change and did not lead to this makes it rather hard on me, but that is not the point right now.
In a way it is the point. What about yourself do you need to change? (I'm not saying answer this publicly, but think about it.) Is it something that's actually a problem with you, or is it a problem with your GF's expectations that she wants you to change this for her? If the latter, give up on her. If the former, then think about making a serious effort to change whatever-it-is.


I am having problems knowing how to approach her right now. I know saying sweet things will hurt her in a way right now, I could of course not say them and act normally. Totally ignoring her I could probably not do, but what is the right way to talk and walk with her, should I let her know I still have hope, or should I try to stay neutral?
This is tricky. I guess in a way I'm lucky that my only experience of "trying to stay friends" was at long distance, when I didn't have the problem of continuing to spend time in her physical company. Still, I would guess that many of the same principles apply.

If you still hope to get back together, don't try to hide the fact as such; it may help her to warm towards you, knowing that you never gave up on her. But, in terms of action and expression, don't do anything she'd be uncomfortable with if you were permanent just-friends with nothing romantic between you. (What exactly falls into this category is different for every pair of friends, so I won't try to elaborate.)


And, something right now much more pressing on me, how the heck do I get over the heartbroken pain? Seriously, I do get all the songs and poetry right now, but they don’t help at all, and indeed it seems everywhere I look something reminds me of her.
You don't. Or rather, you do, but it takes time, and you can't speed it up.

What helps is doing something with the time -- find a sport, a pastime, a creative outlet, charity work, whatever works for you -- so that your mind is distracted and because once you start to feel that your heartbreak is stopping you achieving anything with your life, the spiral heads rapidly downwards.

[Crow]

A relationship woe indeed,
My girlfriend has dumped me, not because she doesn’t like me anymore, she likes me as much as she did the first day. But she just couldn’t take it, well, me anymore. Eventually we decided to stay apart for one or two months, till my birthday at last and then see further. We, of course, decided to stay friends.
First of all, the fact that I know I have in the past said I would change and did not lead to this makes it rather hard on me, but that is not the point right now.
I am having problems knowing how to approach her right now. I know saying sweet things will hurt her in a way right now, I could of course not say them and act normally. Totally ignoring her I could probably not do, but what is the right way to talk and walk with her, should I let her know I still have hope, or should I try to stay neutral?
And, something right now much more pressing on me, how the heck do I get over the heartbroken pain? Seriously, I do get all the songs and poetry right now, but they don’t help at all, and indeed it seems everywhere I look something reminds me of her.

Life is too short to beat yourself up with uncertainty and fear. You need to just be yourself. I constantly hear about people "needing" to change, and it is just not true except in the most extreme of cases.

What needs to change is that people need to realize that people are who they are. If one person needs the other to change, they are not a good fit. There are "success stories" about this happening, but those are smothered by the massive pile of failure and heartbreak that occurs in most of the cases.

It may be difficult to get through it, knowing that you made an investment of time and emotion and that it didn't pan out. The thing is, you probably learned a whole lot about yourself, and you will take that into your next relationship. If you're going to fail, fail forward.

There are many, many other people out there, and you will find another one that you like! They may even just find you if you let them.

As for getting over the heartbreak, you need a success to bolster your sense of self-worth after something like this. I like to do a gnarly workout. Something that will test me. It's an analogy for the situation you find yourself in. Work hard, overcome it. Halfway through the workout, you'll forget you're heartbroken...even if it's just for a little while.

Oh, and before anyone tells me;

I am an A-hole. Some of the things I say may not be nice. It's just the way I am. I apologize in advance.

[zeratul]

Well something interesting, has happened.

I was bored and reading one of those myspace surveys she did and for the question do you have a crush on someone she answered yes. Now do to my pessimistic nature among other things I would say the chance of this being me is about 10%, but do any of you have thoughts on this?

[tahu88810]

whoa, I'm glad I found this thread.
Dumb thing about me, though, is I'm not going to ask any questions (1) that needs to be asked...
mostly because its against the rules (my question, that is), and I don't feel like asking to be PMed, although if you really want to you can (*cough*)
I'm only a freshman in highschool, and its not appropriate for these boards... >_<
AND I don't see any possible 'good' outcome from this situation, but I also cut and write songs and poems about suicide. ^_^

[Crow]

whoa, I'm glad I found this thread.
Dumb thing about me, though, is I'm not going to ask any questions (1) that needs to be asked...
mostly because its against the rules (my question, that is), and I don't feel like asking to be PMed, although if you really want to you can (*cough*)
I'm only a freshman in highschool, and its not appropriate for these boards... >_<
AND I don't see any possible 'good' outcome from this situation, but I also cut and write songs and poems about suicide. ^_^

Whoa, you probably wouldn't want to PM me then!

[Tor the Fallen]

Well something interesting, has happened.

I was bored and reading one of those myspace surveys she did and for the question do you have a crush on someone she answered yes. Now do to my pessimistic nature among other things I would say the chance of this being me is about 10%, but do any of you have thoughts on this?

Yeah. It ain't you.
You'll feel better as long as you don't know for sure it's not you.

[Tor the Fallen]

A relationship woe indeed,
My girlfriend has dumped me, not because she doesn’t like me anymore, she likes me as much as she did the first day. But she just couldn’t take it, well, me anymore. Eventually we decided to stay apart for one or two months, till my birthday at last and then see further. We, of course, decided to stay friends.
First of all, the fact that I know I have in the past said I would change and did not lead to this makes it rather hard on me, but that is not the point right now.
I am having problems knowing how to approach her right now. I know saying sweet things will hurt her in a way right now, I could of course not say them and act normally. Totally ignoring her I could probably not do, but what is the right way to talk and walk with her, should I let her know I still have hope, or should I try to stay neutral?
And, something right now much more pressing on me, how the heck do I get over the heartbroken pain? Seriously, I do get all the songs and poetry right now, but they don’t help at all, and indeed it seems everywhere I look something reminds me of her.

You're in a really great place. You can carve her up emotionally, but still have sex, with very little long term repercussion. After all, you can either break up, or break up with a lot of hate and sex and tears.

[Syka]

Ranis,

*hugs* You know my take on the previous situation and, with this new information...Um, my response is not appropriate for these boards. :smallannoyed:

Hoggy, my PM box is always open.

YPU, you pretty much can't get over heartbreak any faster that you're intended to. It sucks, but you can never be sure how long it'll last. Treat her like you would any other friend. Do NOT treat her like someone you want to get back together with, unless she seems to want to. That could cause some bad feelings (I know when the guy I'd broke up with did some things that made me question whether or not he wanted to get back together, it both confused and angered me- and these were not things that I was "reading" into).

Tahu, if you feel like talking about it...my PM box is open.

This weekend was...great. And scary. I'm scared for all the wrong reasons, I think. For one, I can honestly say I haven't felt like this before. Cliche, oh definitely, and I hate using cliches but...it's the truth. I've never had everything feel...right, like it was all fitting into place. And that is what is scaring me- that this could be right. :smallfrown: The L word was mentioned. I didn't really freak out about it, but it surprised me that he was the one to bring it up. Especially since the days preceding his visit it had crossed my mind more than once. In that case, I'd been letting my realistic streak take hold and didn't say it...because I wanted to make sure (I like to give stuff time). This weekend, I said to heck with it. I didn't want to not see him for another month and have something happen. I won't be saying it often but I did want to let him know I pretty much feel the same way. I only said it once, and I think it's going to be awhile before I say it again.

So now I'm sitting in my room, wearing the shirt he let me have of his (which smells very much like him) and refereeing a battle between happiness and saddness.

I'm never going to get used to goodbyes...

Cheers,
Syka

[Rykaj]

Ranis,
wow dude, that's rough. Really rough, I honestly thought no one would do that in real life. I feel for you.

YPU,
Stop beating yourself up over it and ask yourself this question and answer it with all honesty: Is there any realistic chance that you will be getting back together? If yes, then go for it. If no, then I would just stay away from her for a while. It seems to me that you have to make sure you act in the right way around her while merely being around her is hurting you enough. Don't do that to yourself and just stay away. You might as well tell her that so she'll understand and leave you alone while you try to get over this. Just don't excessively tear open all those wounds.

Syka,
Congratulations! Sounds like you have a good thing going! But somehow I do get a sad and confused feeling from your post, which is weird because you should be happier than christmas time right now. I'd just like to say: If you've truly never felt like this before and it feels good, don't be scared and enjoy the ride! Like I said before, stop beating yourself up.

[Syka]

Oh, I'm happy beyond belief. Sad, yes, because he just left around 2 hours ago after spending more than 24 hours out of the last 30-some together.

Confused...definitely. I'm out of my element here. I know how to handle things when they are bad or I'm approaching it as "This is great, but statistically it probably won't last". I'm not used to it being good. I've never approached a relationship with the thought "Ya know, maybe this really could last." And it's pretty much scaring me to death. I usually take everything very slow, emotionally as well as physically (the latter which is definitely still well within my comfort zone, going outside of that is something I don't allow). This is new...Good, but new, and I think it'll just take some getting used to.

Not too mention it also scared me how much him leaving today actually affected me...Blarg. I hate admitting that I care for people.

Cheers,
Syka

[Vuzzmop]

To Ranis: hug!

Sounds crap dude, almost makes me happy to be single, well almost.

Okay, my turn. I'd like to announce that after one more week of theatre class, I have gotten closer to the object of my affections (who will not be named to protect the innocent), but I can't. I have done a lot of self analysis lately, and have found my greatest flaw, fear of failure. I havn't asked out said object of affection simply because I'm afraid that there is such a small chance of her saying yes, and the repurcusions could be huge if she takes it badly.

My fear also leads me to take control and become tyrannous. I have plans, and if somebody slows them down I tend to get anxious or mow them down. I'm not antisocial or cruel, heck I'm not even angry, but I've found that fear and ambition can bring out the worst part of me, a control freak with problems following those who I see, through ambition tinted lenses, to have a lesser plan then my own. I need a hug.

[zeratul]

Yeah. It ain't you.
You'll feel better as long as you don't know for sure it's not you.

Yeah, I can't decide weather I should ask her at the risk of
1.sounding mildly creepy (who says "it says here on this survey you took that..."
2.The whole awkward "I like someone else" thing
for the small chance of finding out that she does like me, or if I should just remain ignorant, not knowing the truth of her feelings and all that.

[Crow]

Yeah, I can't decide weather I should ask her at the risk of
1.sounding mildly creepy (who says "it says here on this survey you took that..."
2.The whole awkward "I like someone else" thing
for the small chance of finding out that she does like me, or if I should just remain ignorant, not knowing the truth of her feelings and all that.

Dear god, do not tell her you've been stalking her on MySpace.



It's time to just man up, scrape some money together, and ask her out to lunch somewhere. Don't come on too strong, be yourself, don't worry about it turning into something more. If you do these things, you'll have a pretty good idea if she's interested in you by the end of the meal (you won't have to ask anything, you'll just know). Don't finish it off with a "So do you wanna date now? A-huk", just end it like you would finish a lunch with a friend of yours. In fact, treat the whole thing like that. You'll be relaxed, and she may decide that she might want to do it again sometime.



1400th reply, baby!

[zeratul]

Dear god, do not tell her you've been stalking her on MySpace.



It's time to just man up, scrape some money together, and ask her out to lunch somewhere. Don't come on too strong, be yourself, don't worry about it turning into something more. If you do these things, you'll have a pretty good idea if she's interested in you by the end of the meal (you won't have to ask anything, you'll just know). Don't finish it off with a "So do you wanna date now? A-huk", just end it like you would finish a lunch with a friend of yours. In fact, treat the whole thing like that. You'll be relaxed, and she may decide that she might want to do it again sometime.



(thanks, i think perhaps you may want to look at some of my previous posts to learn the current situation but heres a summarized version.)

Six months ago I started to like this girl, to months later I told her. We started to hang out a lot, and my feelings grew stronger. My feelings eventually moved ludicrously, eventually to a state of love. We still hang out, and she likes me at least as a friend. She has yet to tell me that she does or does not like me as more. to be fair i wasn't actually myspace stalking her, when im bored il read one of those done by anyone on my friends list.

[Crow]

(thanks, i think perhaps you may want to look at some of my previous posts to learn the current situation but heres a summarized version.)

Six months ago I started to like this girl, to months later I told her. We started to hang out a lot, and my feelings grew stronger. My feelings eventually moved ludicrously, eventually to a state of love. We still hang out, and she likes me at least as a friend. She has yet to tell me that she does or does not like me as more. to be fair i wasn't actually myspace stalking her, when im bored il read one of those done by anyone on my friends list.


I tried, they were too far back for my lazy butt =) Thanks for the summary.

If she is not dating someone else already, go for it. I don't get this thing people have for having to be "official". Don't tell her you love her or anything though...just in case =)

Ask her to dinner, somewhere nice. Show up with a red rose, and just talk. Maybe it's corny...I'm a corny guy. But women aren't stupid, she'll get the idea.

The upshot is that at some point you'll probably have to hang it out there. That's all there is to it, so you may as well do it. Even if things don't go exactly as you planned, don't be phased by something being awkward. Trust me, she'll respect you for having the courage to do it. But you can never know what the result will be until you put yourself out there.

[zeratul]

I tried, they were too far back for my lazy butt =) Thanks for the summary.

If she is not dating someone else already, go for it. I don't get this thing people have for having to be "official". Don't tell her you love her or anything though...just in case =)

Ask her to dinner, somewhere nice. Show up with a red rose, and just talk. Maybe it's corny...I'm a corny guy. But women aren't stupid, she'll get the idea.

The upshot is that at some point you'll probably have to hang it out there. That's all there is to it, so you may as well do it. Even if things don't go exactly as you planned, don't be phased by something being awkward. Trust me, she'll respect you for having the courage to do it. But you can never know what the result will be until you put yourself out there.

thank's I agree with the last part. As to the dinner thing, I'd probly scale it down since i'm only 13 (14 in october)

[Ranis]

Guys, thanks for the hugs. I've needed them. Though, it's not the first time I've been hurt, nor the worst by far(you don't want to know), and I'm gonna be okay.

I came into work determined today. Determined to not let her do that to this new guy again. So I found him when she wasn't glued to him, and dragged him over to where I worked. There, I proceeded to inform him of just everything we did on that date that left me sore for two days:

"I'm not from this side of town, so maybe I don't know what to expect from girls down here; is it a normality for girls to {insert something DEFINITELY not appropriate for these boards} three times on the first date?

":smalleek:, er, no, it's not."

"At least, where I'm from, it's not behavior one would associate from a self-proclaimed devout Baptist either, is it?"

"Er, not really...euuhh, thanks man. Glad you told me this."

"No problem, man. I just don't want to see her manipulate anyone else."

I saw her crying about an hour later. Did I feel bad? No, not really. She brought it on herself, and I think I did the right thing. It may sound a bit spiteful, but if you play with fire you're gonna get burned eventually. Anyway, my conscience is settled seeing that her reputation at this particular workplace is effectively ruined, she won't be screwing with anyone else's emotions.

[phoenixineohp]

Mmmm... Karma. Or the result of some big and ugly mistakes on her part. :smallamused: Actions have consequences. I'm glad you told the other guy.

I'm sorry that happened to you Ranis. :smallfrown: Better luck next time.

[Vuzzmop]

@Ranis: Great to hear that she got what she deserved, no one should have to put up with that.

[Dragonrider]

Wow, Ranis. That's good that you warned the new guy, it would be painful to see him caught in the same trap....



Quick update on me after my weekend...I'm supposed to be over this guy and I think it sped up the process, but it was definitely a weird time. He was there and his girlfriend (my cousin). First of all I realized that my friendship with him is basically the same as it's always been, and he's willing to treat me just as he has for the last two years we've been friends; that's encouraging.

(we were volunteering as helpers at a children's weekend camp)

It used to be that when we went to events like these, I was constantly aware of him and what he was doing, and trying to manuever so I was in the same group as him, or whatever. It's really freeing to not worry about that anymore - and I ended up talking to him just as much anyway, and more naturally. I feel kinda sorry for him, being so hopelessly in love with my cousin who's such a jerk, but that's life I guess and it's not my problem anymore. His mom's not too happy though.

In other words...you probably shan't be hearing from me on the subject of him any longer. We're friends, I'm done with pining after him, regardless of what happens with my cousin.

[Serpentine]

You're in a really great place. You can carve her up emotionally, but still have sex, with very little long term repercussion. After all, you can either break up, or break up with a lot of hate and sex and tears.
Mmm... admirable.

Zeratul, I don't think there's much advice left to give. Frankly, I don't think it matters whether the crush is you or not - I had a big crush on the one guy all through high school, and not only did I go out with someone else in that time, but I always knew that no matter how much I liked him, if by some freakish twist of reality we ever got together it wouldn't work because we had almost nothing in common. Didn't stop me crushing, though. Like I told you a while ago, all I think you can really do is mention that little conversation you had some time ago, and ask her whether she's had enough time to think.

Ranis, while I think you did the right thing, I also think you should ponder your motives. Did you do it because the guy deserved to know, as a lesson to the girl, or just out of spite, to see her cry? This is an opportunity for you to learn and become a better person. Don't let it just make you bitter and mean.

Vuzzmop, why would she take it badly, and how could it be a disaster? The absolute worst case scenario (leaving out dinosaurs and volcanos and the like) is that she gets scared and/or embarrassed, doesn't talk to you for some time because of the massive amounts of awkwardness, and your friendship takes a nosedive that will take some time to rise out of. Much more likely, if the answer is "no", is that she'll be extremely flattered, perhaps a little embarrassed (for the record, in this context "embarrassed" is more closely allied with "shy" than "ashamed"), and things will be awkward between you two until you get over it.

Regarding changing for someone: Obviously if you have to become a whole new person (and you're not already completely horrible), there's no point - they don't want you, they want someone else with your body. However, everyone has room to change themselves for the better, and I think if you're not constantly trying to improve yourself then you're just gonna end up falling behind. If the way in which someone wants you to change will make you a better person, then there's no reason not to do it, but don't do it for them, do it for yourself and just use their opinion as a guide. As for "being yourself", that's fine, but make "yourself" as good and admirable as it can be.

[YPU]

You're in a really great place. You can carve her up emotionally, but still have sex, with very little long term repercussion. After all, you can either break up, or break up with a lot of hate and sex and tears.

well, right now i don’t want to carve her up, right now rather my self. And considering the sex, we had already concluded in the past that even if we broke up it probably wouldn’t stop us once in a while. :smallredface:

but my point being is that the best that can happen is that we get back together, knowing ourselves even better and more loving then before, now, try as i might even from a realistic point of view this one does seem possible.
on the other hand the worst thing that might happen is that I leaf myself hoping for something that will not happen for two months on end, and i know that would not be healthy.

and yea, the changing part, the point is that she does still love me. but a tiny little bit of me has started to get on her nerves, and after two years the nerve snapped, so to speak. The thing that is eating me however is the fact she has commented about this in the past, saying she does really like me but that this something was getting bad, and I have on multiple occasions promised to stop behaving in that way. But I very well know that I did not, the behavior also is one I’m not particularly fond of, but it appears I just cant change myself.

[Zeb The Troll]

Anyway, everyone who's saying "am I one of the six?" I have never heard of being in a happy relationship. So if you have to ask, I don't care enough about you to know.Yeah, I think the point of all that is that you're just not paying attention. When you posted that Alarra and I instantly came up with 5 couples on the boards that are in happy relationships, not including us. And that's just the people who are in relationships with other people on the forums.

Andre Fairchilde - EmeraldRose, Ceika - Tantolian, smellie_hippie - Mountain Faerie, El Jaspero - Madame Zelia, PenguinSushi - BardicBunny, Trog - Thes, PhoeKun - Amotis, ZombieRockStar - EgoSlayer, as examples.
Besides, how the heck are we supposed to know which ones you care about or know about? Is there some thread somewhere where you've declared "These are the people who's happiness I, Brickwall, care to know about"? Of course we'd have to ask.

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

Besides, how the heck are we supposed to know which ones you care about or know about? Is there some thread somewhere where you've declared "These are the people who's happiness I, Brickwall, care to know about"? Of course we'd have to ask.

Zeb, don't be drawn in, arguing with him is like arguing with a brickwall!

(Truly the amount of time and wit (or half of a wit anyway) required for that one was amazing, no one else would have ever thought of that play on wordshttp://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb177/gitpsmilies/rolleyes.gif)

[Vampiric]

and yea, the changing part, the point is that she does still love me. but a tiny little bit of me has started to get on her nerves, and after two years the nerve snapped, so to speak. The thing that is eating me however is the fact she has commented about this in the past, saying she does really like me but that this something was getting bad, and I have on multiple occasions promised to stop behaving in that way. But I very well know that I did not, the behavior also is one I’m not particularly fond of, but it appears I just cant change myself.

I think exactly the same thing happened to me, YPU. (On the last thread of RWaA, I asked for advice when my gf and I broke up.) Personally, I would advise giving yourselves some distance before going for friends again, otherwise you might 'grate on her nerves' again... I think I did. Anyhoo, best of luck. Hope all goes well.

[Ranis]

Ranis, while I think you did the right thing, I also think you should ponder your motives. Did you do it because the guy deserved to know, as a lesson to the girl, or just out of spite, to see her cry? This is an opportunity for you to learn and become a better person. Don't let it just make you bitter and mean.

Trust me when I tell you that I wasn't hurt badly enough for me to want to get her out of spite. I really just didn't want to see her hurt anybody else, because quite frankly, nobody deserves to be treated that way.

[Brickwall]

Yeah, I think the point of all that is that you're just not paying attention. When you posted that Alarra and I instantly came up with 5 couples on the boards that are in happy relationships, not including us. And that's just the people who are in relationships with other people on the forums.

Andre Fairchilde - EmeraldRose, Ceika - Tantolian, smellie_hippie - Mountain Faerie, El Jaspero - Madame Zelia, PenguinSushi - BardicBunny, Trog - Thes, PhoeKun - Amotis, ZombieRockStar - EgoSlayer, as examples.
Besides, how the heck are we supposed to know which ones you care about or know about? Is there some thread somewhere where you've declared "These are the people who's happiness I, Brickwall, care to know about"? Of course we'd have to ask.

Trust me, the people I care to know about would know it from past experience. That is why I said, "If you have to ask, you're not one of them." It's true. Yes, Zeb, this means I don't really care about you. Don't get your troll-pants in a twist. :smallsigh:

Ranis: But spite is fun! Hate and revenge make the world go 'round!

[Alarra]

Yes, Zeb, this means I don't really care about you. Don't get your troll-pants in a twist. :smallsigh:

But surely you care about me, right? I mean....everyone cares about me. :smallbiggrin: :smallcool:

[Skippy]

Zeb, don't be drawn in, arguing with him is like arguing with a brickwall!

(Truly the amount of time and wit (or half of a wit anyway) required for that one was amazing, no one else would have ever thought of that play on wordshttp://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb177/gitpsmilies/rolleyes.gif)

Honestly Death. You really need to be punished.

[Brickwall]

But surely you care about me, right? I mean....everyone cares about me. :smallbiggrin: :smallcool:

You're the who in the whatnow? :smallconfused:

<.<
>.>

Uhh...YES. YES I DO. I CARE ABOUT ALL THE MODS. YUP. YESSIREE. I AM PERSONALLY AND EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THE PERSONAL LIVES OF THEM ALL.

*hides*

[ocato]

Typically in these situations, she'll stop emailing me back and I can go back to my life as sadnormal.

I hate being right.

[de-trick]

yeah hi, see I started seeing a girl, so big whoop, but I used to be a kid you burped, farted or any other gross thing back in elementary. I have changed but people are bringing out old stuff and telling her, she was from a different school but in my school now, what should I do, It is my first girlfriend so it's important for me

[Crow]

Tell her the truth if she asks. It's even ok to be a little embarassed about it too. "Yeah, that used to be me. Have I done any of that lately though?"

Any man who says he never did any of that is a flat out liar. She should be able to see you for who you are. I wouldn't worry about the musings of others.

[Jack Squat]

yeah hi, see I started seeing a girl, so big whoop, but I used to be a kid you burped, farted or any other gross thing back in elementary. I have changed but people are bringing out old stuff and telling her, she was from a different school but in my school now, what should I do, It is my first girlfriend so it's important for me

First, what's her reaction to those stories? If it's not negative, you don't really need to explain anything. Chances are, people are telling her that because she wants to know more about you. Why not tell her about your past, the good and the bad.

[zeratul]

I hate being right.

You fool! Email her! Now! Id don't care if it's the circumference of a camels eye, just do it!

[JBakaka]

Zeb, don't be drawn in, arguing with him is like arguing with a brickwall!

(Truly the amount of time and wit (or half of a wit anyway) required for that one was amazing, no one else would have ever thought of that play on wordshttp://i207.photobucket.com/albums/bb177/gitpsmilies/rolleyes.gif)

Yes in fact that pun was so bad i Grim-aced. :smalltongue:


Trust me when I tell you that I wasn't hurt badly enough for me to want to get her out of spite. I really just didn't want to see her hurt anybody else, because quite frankly, nobody deserves to be treated that way.

I'm really sorry for you, hope it works out in the future..but has anyone asked how she felt? I mean you know, just in case there was a real reason..


I hate being right.

wow..so they email you for almost no reason at all, I dunno, just to check if your still alive, then just stop? Even after you email'd back?


*cut*
what should I do, It is my first girlfriend so it's important for me

Yea i reckon you should definitely try to show that your a different person now, and also try to put a positive spin on the past stuff, like show that you know laugh at the stupid stuff you used to do.

ps. how do you quote multiple people at the same time? :smallannoyed:

[Brickwall]

Uhh...you just did quote multiple people at the same time. There's not more than one way to do it, why are you asking? :smallconfused:

[Syka]

de-trick, the best thing you can do is just not act like that now. We've all done idiotic things as kids. A person who is good will understand it's your past, and if you show you've changed there shouldn't be an issue. If she asks about it, tell the truth and maybe try and laugh about it. "Yah, heh, I was an idiot when I was younger" or something.

ocato, I'm sorry. :( You have tried to email her? Maybe she's busy. You never know. I know I've been pretty busy the last couple weeks...more than I expected, and I'm having issues keeping up on everything.



So...Jerkface was evidently wanting to take a trip up to where I am, to visit me. I only heard about this after my relationship status on myspace/facebook changed. Suspicious? Given his past behavior, yah. I decided if he brings it up again, I'm going to say I'm busy (which I am...) and can't hang out.

I'm just scared he'd try something now that I'm "off limits", and there is no way on God's green earth I'm jepordizing my relationship. I did let Oz know about this, and he knows I'm being very careful. He even said he wouldn't mind me hanging out with him...if I had Oz and two of our other, kinda intimidating, friends along. :smallwink:

Basically, though, I'd hang out with Jerkface...IF there are other people around and IF it is a public place. But I don't feel safe hanging out with him when I'm at school, and any time I go home my time will be split between my family and Oz. So I know I don't need to worry...I just wanted to talk to someone about it.

Other than that...everything is still going well. His visit went good, and he has next weekend off. Depending on homework, this means he might be coming up. It sucks I can't go home, but I've got crazy homework and me going home is a lot more time that I would lose for it than if he comes up. Not too mention...this is now the longest I've gone without being home. I miss my family and everything back there. Thankfully, both him and my family understand that school has to come first. I lucked out there.

Cheers,
Syka

[Logic]

Scared jerkface would try what exactly? If he tries anything "off-limits" you have the self control to deny him, right? If he tries anything otherwise, you just be sure to kick him. (where-ever works)

[Syka]

Yah, off limits stuff. I just know better than to put myself in a position where it might happen. Mainly, because I have my suspicions, I'd feel terrible if something did happen. I know I'd be able to stop him if he did try, but one of my big things is loyalty. I'm very careful about the situations I put myself in, especially in a long distance relationship, and I'd feel that by putting myself in that situation, knowing a possible outcome, if that did happen...I'd feel just as bad as if I'd actively cheated.

Cheers,
Syka

[Crow]

Wow. What a good woman.

[Headless_Ninja]

Hey, I'm looking for a little advice, and I guess this is the right place.
It may seem a little (OK, very, very, VERY) cliched, but I have feelings for a very close friend, who recently found out about them. As far as I know she has no reciprocal feelings, but the hopeful little part of me puts this down to my telling her that I was trying to get over her, and the fact that it took a copious amount of cajoling to get it out of me anyway - for example, I haven't discussed this issue with her or any of my other friends because they have decided (mostly correctly) that I don't really want to dwell on it. But the obvious problem is, I'm not getting over her, and we're still incredibly close friends (she was even the one who made the effort to push the friendship past the awkward stage that followed my telling her), meaning that I don't really have much room to breathe as far as she is concerned. Plus, I, being a moron, still kind of wishfully think she might be interested. So, any help? Do I just leave it to time? Do I try to get away from her for a while, despite the possibility of alienating both her and my close-knit group of friends? The question, my blessed forumites, is put to you.

[Crow]

Continue being the friend you have been, and leave it to time.

(But keep an eye out for when the time is right to make your move!)(Just Kidding :smalltongue: )

[Logic]

Headless_Ninja, it may be hard, but try to just be friends. Look out for other prospects. There are other fish in the sea.

Spoiler contains VERY blunt assesment. You may want to skip.
If she was interested, she would have done something to let you know that she was. It doesn't appear that she is interested at all. Sorry to be so tactless.

[de-trick]

Well the girl broke up with me, but she still wants to be friends with her, At first I thought it was the lame thing people say on TV and movies, but she still talks to me, kind of awkward though since her friend who introduced us, told me then I was bitching about her, till I talked to her a break, so kind of weird, I still like her though

[FdL]

Headless Ninja: Well, it depends on how well you can handle it. If you're ok with being her friend and can handle your emotions, go for it. As the others say, you could outgrow it or find someone else you like later.

But well, I don't think it's very good to be secretly in love with her and hang around her as her friend. It can be very frustrating and painful. It depends on you and how strong is this feeling and how you can handle the situation.

My advice is to go with what you really feel and take your chances.

When I was in a similar situation I tried to keep my feelings at bay, but the situation reached a point where it wouldn't be healthy for me to be her friend while having strong feelings towards her. So I left her. I don't know if it was the best thing to do, or what's the right thing to do.

As my situation was, and how it made me feel, I think I did what I could to stop hurting. But well, different people handle situations differently. Just don't be "the guy who's been secretly in love with her all his life" ;)

[Serpentine]

Decapitated Sneaky Oriental Dude, if you're in doubt, just ask her. Simply say "You know how I said I'm trying to get over you? I just want to check that, you know, that's neccessary..." If she says you should, do so. If not... well, something could happen. Don't take it personally if she says you should let it go - and especially don't let it sour your frienship - and if she says you shouldn't, still don't rush into it. Depending on the conversation, it could just be a sign that either she likes the idea of you liking her (stroke of the ego and all that), or she's potentially interested in something more, maybe. Yeah, I don't know about women being fickle or whatever, but I think a lot of us are rather indecisive :smalltongue:

[Don Julio Anejo]

Okay, it's 7 AM, I'm finally home, all the booze is worn off and I don't feel like sleeping. Decided to check out the forums to see if anyone still remembers me... (probably no). Might as well make myself useful.

Headless_Ninja: whether she's interested or not isn't really important right now. The fact that you're running after her is a big turn off. There's just something unattractive about stalkers (I don't mean people who sit in a tree outside your window, I mean people who go out of their way to bump into you, say that you're very cute and want to luv u longtime and ask what you're doing tomorrow night). Even if she's not interested, chances are she won't say so. One, so she doesn't hurt your feelings and two, exactly because having someone run around you does wonders for your self esteem.

Turn down your emotions a notch or two (on the outside at least). It seems counterintuitive, but it might actually make her at least a bit interested - "omg, what happened? He was like totally into me last week and now he won't even look this way."

[zeratul]

I think Don makes a very valid point. I'd say let her know how you feel if you need to, then just continue being friends and see where it goes.

[Syka]

Don, the impression I get is that he isn't running after her, as such. I've had guys do that. When they backed off, I simply got more comfortable hanging out with them...as friends. If I liked them, then I'd let them know before they backed off. If they did end up backing off, I'd assume that they were "over" me or something. It might work with some people but as she is the one initiating staying friends, I don't think it necessarily would in this instance.

My advice- I like Serpentine's. Let her know you are still trying to get over her. If you get an "I like you" then move forward from there, if you get another answer as if she doesn't mind giving you a little bit of time. It's perfectly normal to do that.

Cheers,
Syka

[Brickwall]

I do advocate the "backing off" thing, even though I don't think it will make her interested. Why? Because you're probably better off just getting over her. Or at least pretending. If you have a good deal of subtlety, you can probably find out what kind of relationship and partner she's interested in at the moment. Do this by hanging around her a lot, and paying attention to what she says. Asking directly might arouse suspicion. Also, try to be around when she talks to other girls. Endure the talks of shoes and stuff. From my experience, girls will eventually end up talking about boys, just as boys will eventually end up talking about girls. And you can be there when it happens if you're clever.

Don't go through her drawers though. Snooping should be kept on a social level.

[Shikton]

Right, here's my story...

First off, let me start by making one thing clear: I'm a jealous person. I hate it when other guys give too much attention to my girlfriend, and I hate the fact that my girlfriend has male friends. I made that clear to her before we got serious, and she made it clear to me that she had one male friend who's a childhood friend. I accepted that.

Now, things went along great. Feelings grew between us and everything was perfect. I had no troubles with her friend other than him constantly calling and texting her - and I mean CONSTANTLY - but that halted a bit once I told her I didn't really like her being on the phone 95% of the time we were together, and I'd appreciate if I got some attention once in a while too. She understood my point and agreed with me. Some time passed, and suddenly she started hanging out with 2 other guys. She told me they were old friends and that they had helped her through some bad times in the past, so I thought that was ok too, no (big) problem... But as more time has passed, several more male friends have sprung up like weed, and I feel like I'm being pushed away in their favour. I tried telling her that, but get the answer that I'm being silly and that I have nothing to worry about. I don't think I have anything to worry about either, but it's just the fact that she's going against EVERYTHING I've told her about my feelings, that she completely disregards them and that what I say doesn't matter. She also thinks I'm strict for not letting her meet her ex-boyfriend. Who in their right mind thinks that's ok anyway? Not me at least...

Now, she says she feels she's alone in this relationship, that I'm to distanced and that it seems I don't have as much feelings for her as she does for me. This is "true love" in her eyes. And it's only been 4 months... I feel that's moving a bit too fast. That makes her quite depressed, but I keep assuring her that it's her I want to be with. And that's the truth! In fact, it really upsets me that she questions my feelings, as she's so damn wrong about it! So I've written her cute little letters, e-mails and text messages, and I've bought her flowers and tried to be all around caring to cheer her up. I want her to be happy.

But no. This obviously didn't work. We took a week off from eachother to just get some distance from the whole situation, but things don't seem to get better. She's been hanging out with some male friend (he has a gf, but I still don't like it that she hangs out with him) and I called her up one night while she was with him, as we'd been texting eachother then she suddenly stopped answering. She told me she stopped answering because she was hanging with him (got myself to blame here, nagging about her phone usage when being with others). I told her she could at least have told me she was gonna put away the phone, but that was obviously a stupid suggestion as well. Then I said "So he's more important than me, huh?". Not the smartest thing I've ever done, and I felt kinda bad for saying it, but I've been feeling that I'm something like the least important person in her life as of lately, with good reason too. We've seen eachother once in 2 weeks, she keeps talking about everybody other than me and whenever I suggest we meet up I'm told she doesn't have time because she either has to work that night or she's meeting someone else.

In the middle of all of this we've had some great days together, but a lot of nights before I'm going to sleep she sends me a line or two about her being depressed/upset about some issue.

And she's hasn't even met my mom yet either...

I dunno what I want from this post really. I just felt like getting some frustration off of my mind. We're meeting up someday (who knows when?) to talk about it, and I feel it's going to end. I don't like the thought, but I think it's bound to happen. Bah.

[Brickwall]

A. You are overzealous.

B. Even if she's not interested in any of her male friends, and none of them are interested in her (which, given the sheer number, is quite impossible), she gives them too much time. If she wants a relationship, a good amount of her social time should be devoted to you. If she wants true love, she'd better start acting like it. You tell her that (in less harsh words).

[Crow]

Right, here's my story...

First off, let me start by making one thing clear: I'm a jealous person. I hate it when other guys give too much attention to my girlfriend, and I hate the fact that my girlfriend has male friends. I made that clear to her before we got serious, and she made it clear to me that she had one male friend who's a childhood friend. I accepted that.

Now, things went along great. Feelings grew between us and everything was perfect. I had no troubles with her friend other than him constantly calling and texting her - and I mean CONSTANTLY - but that halted a bit once I told her I didn't really like her being on the phone 95% of the time we were together, and I'd appreciate if I got some attention once in a while too. She understood my point and agreed with me. Some time passed, and suddenly she started hanging out with 2 other guys. She told me they were old friends and that they had helped her through some bad times in the past, so I thought that was ok too, no (big) problem... But as more time has passed, several more male friends have sprung up like weed, and I feel like I'm being pushed away in their favour. I tried telling her that, but get the answer that I'm being silly and that I have nothing to worry about. I don't think I have anything to worry about either, but it's just the fact that she's going against EVERYTHING I've told her about my feelings, that she completely disregards them and that what I say doesn't matter. She also thinks I'm strict for not letting her meet her ex-boyfriend. Who in their right mind thinks that's ok anyway? Not me at least...

Now, she says she feels she's alone in this relationship, that I'm to distanced and that it seems I don't have as much feelings for her as she does for me. This is "true love" in her eyes. And it's only been 4 months... I feel that's moving a bit too fast. That makes her quite depressed, but I keep assuring her that it's her I want to be with. And that's the truth! In fact, it really upsets me that she questions my feelings, as she's so damn wrong about it! So I've written her cute little letters, e-mails and text messages, and I've bought her flowers and tried to be all around caring to cheer her up. I want her to be happy.

But no. This obviously didn't work. We took a week off from eachother to just get some distance from the whole situation, but things don't seem to get better. She's been hanging out with some male friend (he has a gf, but I still don't like it that she hangs out with him) and I called her up one night while she was with him, as we'd been texting eachother then she suddenly stopped answering. She told me she stopped answering because she was hanging with him (got myself to blame here, nagging about her phone usage when being with others). I told her she could at least have told me she was gonna put away the phone, but that was obviously a stupid suggestion as well. Then I said "So he's more important than me, huh?". Not the smartest thing I've ever done, and I felt kinda bad for saying it, but I've been feeling that I'm something like the least important person in her life as of lately, with good reason too. We've seen eachother once in 2 weeks, she keeps talking about everybody other than me and whenever I suggest we meet up I'm told she doesn't have time because she either has to work that night or she's meeting someone else.

In the middle of all of this we've had some great days together, but a lot of nights before I'm going to sleep she sends me a line or two about her being depressed/upset about some issue.

And she's hasn't even met my mom yet either...

I dunno what I want from this post really. I just felt like getting some frustration off of my mind. We're meeting up someday (who knows when?) to talk about it, and I feel it's going to end. I don't like the thought, but I think it's bound to happen. Bah.

Check it out:

You don't have to believe me, but here it goes...

This relationship is doomed to failure. I could have stopped reading right about here;


but it's just the fact that she's going against EVERYTHING I've told her about my feelings, that she completely disregards them and that what I say doesn't matter.

But instead i decided to torture myself further by reading the rest of your post. Just so you know, I certainly don't dig my girl hanging with her ex-boyfriends. I know what happens when you suddenly start hanging out with an ex, and I have actually had "harmless" ex-boyfriends try to make moves on my girl...insecure? Maybe. That's just me though, and it sounds like you too.

The not answering your text thing is just rude, even if there wasn't anything going on. Unfortunately my friend, I would say there is about an 85% chance that there was...or was going to be. As far as being too distanced, I am positive that this is her problem and not yours. From what it sounds like, she is doing things which are placing the relationship under strain against your wishes. You had it right, when you took a week off from eachother, but then you screwed up royally when you got back together.

If everything you say is true, I seriously doubt you're going to be able to help her out of this "depression" she is having. If she were to stop doing things which she knows you disapprove of, I am sure the strain in the relationship would be lessened, and you two may not feel so distant from eachother anymore. However, she has refused to stop doing these things appearantly.

Depressed girl + Strained relationship + Lots of guy friends = If she isn't already, she will be sleeping around on you in no time.

So I hate to say it, but you should cash out of the relationship and find somebody that is willing to have you for your paranoid self. They're out there, trust me.

edit: Oh and about the guy at the beginning of your post constantly texting her: I absolutely hate that crap. I mean hate it. I've walked out on chicks for that. Seriously, if you have something that is so damn important to say, you need to dial their number and just frigging talk to them and get it over with. I have better things to do than sit around and watch you stare at your cellphone. I am taking time out of my day to spend quality time with someone, and they don't have the courtesy to turn off their phone for 3 goddamn minutes...Damn that pisses me off.

[Serpentine]

Also, try to be around when she talks to other girls. Endure the talks of shoes and stuff.
You know, I once got tired of sitting talking to guys all the time, so I decided to switch over to some female friends. At the time I resolved to do so, I left the guys talking about bras and got to the girls when they were talking about pig hunting.


She also thinks I'm strict for not letting her meet her ex-boyfriend. Who in their right mind thinks that's ok anyway? Not me at least...
You did WHAT?! :smalleek: :smallmad: You would be completely and utterly dumped at this stage if I were her. Frankly, I'm inclined not to blame her if she does cheat on you with how over... not even overprotective. Overpossessive you're being. You don't own her, her life, or her social interactions. You're just sharing a part. The sooner you acknowledge this, the sooner you're gonna have a decent relationship. Probably not with her, though, I'm afraid. That one sounds pretty poisoned, and it'd take a looooot of backing off, talking, meeting her friends and possibly relationship therapy for that one to survive (though obviously I'm basing this on what is no doubt a very cursory and peripheral description of what's happening).

[Brickwall]

Serpentine, did I just read you say that you advocated cheating in some circumstances? Boy, I certainly hope that makes some of your Crushes in the Playground reconsider. Seriously, we invented "breaking up" for a reason. I am very, very disappointed in you. :smallannoyed:

[FdL]

Headless_Ninja: whether she's interested or not isn't really important right now. The fact that you're running after her is a big turn off. There's just something unattractive about stalkers (I don't mean people who sit in a tree outside your window, I mean people who go out of their way to bump into you, say that you're very cute and want to luv u longtime and ask what you're doing tomorrow night).

Is that your definition of what a stalker is? :s 'Cause I can't really agree. In fact, in the words you put it it doesn't sound like a bad thing at all.

And I don't think Headless_Ninja is being stalkerish or obsessed about her, as far as I know.


@Shikton: I wasn't going to say what I'm thinking about when I read your post for fear of being blunt or overly negative. But seeing everyone else's comments, I think I should. I hope it doesn't make you feel bad, in any case knowing how things are can save you from pain, right?

(I'll spoiler it in case you're feeling down and don't want to read something that could make you feel worse :( )


It sounds like she has lost interest in you. And this is almost certainly due to her liking one of the guys she's hanging with. I have a hunch with this, I wish I was wrong but I'm almost sure about it with the little I know about this.
The thing about the phone and her not answering to your messages is awful. I've been there and it's a horrible.

My heartfelt advice to you is that you confront her with this, tell her that you're not comfortable with the relationship. And then face the truth (which you should already be prepared for) and walk away from her with your head held high. Things just end like that. It's not your fault, it simply happened that way with her.
Just move on and look for a girl who will really want to be with you, who deserves you.


The unambiguous fact here is, as Brickwall says, that she doesn't feel like spending time with you. She seems to prefer hanging out with other people. That I take as a symptom of her not being too much into the relationship.
I mean, when you're truly in love with someone you want to be with that person as much as you can. Sure, you can have friends and do other things and everything, but in your case she's beyond that. The fact that it's other guys that she hangs out so much with can definitely be taken as a bad sign.


Oh, in this kind of situations I wouldn't feel comfortable either with her hanging around ex-boyfriends. I think jealousy can be a negative feeling, but often is also a kind of alarm that you feel. If you don't trust her completely it's because something is not right about the relationship.

[Serpentine]

Serpentine, did I just read you say that you advocated cheating in some circumstances? Boy, I certainly hope that makes some of your Crushes in the Playground reconsider. Seriously, we invented "breaking up" for a reason. I am very, very disappointed in you. :smallannoyed:
No. What she should do, frankly, is dump his paranoid arse (sorry Shikton, like I said, your real-life situation could be very different and not deserve this assessment). What I said was that I wouldn't blame her. Personally, I think I'd find his behaviour scary and intimidating enough that I'd want to surround myself with defenders if I were in her position.

[Brickwall]

"Defenders"? Look, I don't advocate jealousy at all, but I really think you're going the wrong way with this. If she wants a relationship at all, she shouldn't need to be "defended" from him. It's fine for a guy or girl to be a little concerned about who his/her partner hangs out with, and when you add the fact that she seems to care more about these men than her boyfriend, I don't think a bit of jealousy is unjustified. Much more justified than telling someone you love them then cheating on them, which you are saying would be perfectly fine.

Honestly, I think it's an unhealthy relationship and should be broken off. Period. Right now I'm just arguing with Serpentine about relationship morality.

[Shikton]

No offense taken, Serpentine. I understand what you mean, but there are things unspoken in my post that might change your mind a little bit. One thing about her last ex-boyfriend is that he used her and twisted her mind to get her to bed. That alone is reason enough to not want her to meet him anymore. Her other ex boyfriend had sex with her without her consent. Yes, rape. And that doesn't help me at all when it comes to trusting other guys' intentions with her.

I might be perveived as paranoid, and I slightly agree actually. I realize I might be a little over the edge. But I've been cheated on before, and I gave her all the freedom you can imagine. I never as much as gave her a hint about what I thought regarding her meeting this and that person, she could do whatever she wanted without me saying a word. And that's how it ended up. It doesn't justify how I am, but it gives an explanation. Believe me, I'm far from as bad as you might think. :P I actually encouraged her to go out partying last night, though I know there are almost only guys working at her extra job. It completely tore me apart, but as I said, I want her to be happy. I AM willing to change, but it's impossible for me to turn around 180 and just stand by smiling like a fool without saying what I feel... She needs to meet me somewhere on the way. I'd appreciate it if you PM'ed me with any advice you might have, Serpentine, to indicate how she might think and what I can do to try to change. Maybe also what to say to convince her I want to try to make this work.

And to those who believe she might cheat: She won't. I trust her, but I REALLY don't trust any of the guys around her.

[Midnight Son]

Right, here's my story...

First off, let me start by making one thing clear: I'm a jealous person. I hate it when other guys give too much attention to my girlfriend, and I hate the fact that my girlfriend has male friends. I made that clear to her before we got serious, and she made it clear to me that she had one male friend who's a childhood friend. I accepted that.

(snipped for space)

I dunno what I want from this post really. I just felt like getting some frustration off of my mind. We're meeting up someday (who knows when?) to talk about it, and I feel it's going to end. I don't like the thought, but I think it's bound to happen. Bah.
I read the first line of the first paragraph and knew I needed read no further. (I did read the whole thing though.) Jealousy is a bane to any good relationship. It will kill it faster than just about anything else.

So you told her up front that you wouldn't want her talking to guys? Quite franky, you must be awful good looking or incredibly funny, cause any girl I know would've told you to stuff it right there.

What this sounds like to me is that she distanced herself from all but one friend for you, but couldn't handle that on a continual basis. So she started talking to said friends again. I'd say that not allowing her to have her friends is just a step away from thinking of her as your property.

Now, as to her behavior, I'd be a bit pissed if a girlfriend of mine was constantly texting and such while on a date with me, but if we're just hanging out, I'd have no issues with it. Telling you it's true love after only 4 months is not a big deal. My cousin married his wife 5 months after they met.

The human being is a social animal. As such, it is not generally healthy to spend all your time with one person. Some women get along better with guys than with other women. I've had girlfriends like this and never seen it as an issue.

As an aside, I find it flattering when another guy thinks my girlfriend is attractive. I tend to think of it as supporting my theory that I have good taste.

[Syka]

Serp, I'm with you. I felt bad about it so I wasn't going to post.

Ok...Pretty much ALL my friends (excepting one) back home are guys. It's how it's always been. Probably always will be.

I swear to god, if any guy I dated ever said I couldn't hang out with them, his butt would be dumped in two seconds flat.

I think her hanging out with her friends more than you is a reaction to being too possessive. I can understand you ASKING her not to hang out with an ex, but pretty much ORDERING her not to is completely different. It's rude. It makes it seem like you own her. If my boyfriend asks me not to do something, usually I'll listen. If he ever told me not to do something, we'd be having a nice long chat.

Not to say she's completely in the right, either. This should be something you discuss, not what someone tells the other, and it seems like she's being a bit passive aggressive.

Not answering your text is perfectly acceptable, since you knew she was hanging out with a friend and even YOU asked her not to do it. I let my boy know when I'm going to be unavailable, and he does the same for me. We actually purposefully send each other texts during that time just to give the other a nice message and don't expect an answer.


My advice: break up, for good. It's not going to work. She obviously needs more freedom than you are able to give.




And no, a strained relationship, depressed girl, and a lot of guy friends do not equal cheating. I've had all of those be true for me AND I WAS FAITHFUL.


Upon reading what Shikton just posted: Let us know that next time. You came across as uber posessive. I understand your reasons why you wouldn't want them to hang out, but it's ultimately her choice. I would just ask for it to be done somewhere public, and for them to not be alone. I've been cheated on before, so I know where you are coming from. So if you trust her, than don't worry. I trust my boyfriend to not cheat and he trusts me the same. I even let him know that one of my ex's wanted to hang out, and that if I ever did it would not be alone. It's all in communication.

Cheers,
Syka

EDIT: The love thing. My boy and I have been dating a month. The words have been uttered. I don't say them without meaning them. It is possible. But it's also different for everyone.

And I agree with that, MS. It's a great ego boost when my friends made comment about my choice of partner. ;) He likes it, too (I mean, when guys have commented to him about me).

[FdL]

And to those who believe she might cheat: She won't. I trust her, but I REALLY don't trust any of the guys around her.

Hmmm, but see, when a woman cheats on her boyfriend she does so because she agrees to it (or actually wants to), not because she's hypnotized/brainwashed/raped. Blaming on the "other/s" is a common position to take in these situations, but it's just denial clouding reality.

I'm not saying this is happening to you, it's just the way I see it happen most of the time. No one is an innocent victim and no one can force a woman to do something she doesn't want to.

[Shikton]

Syka: I kinda...wrote first and read later. I needed to rant out what I had on my mind, which was pretty much all negative. That never seems to work out. :smalleek:

EDIT: I'd also like to say that I appreciate all the input you guys are giving. I honestly do. :)

[Syka]

I understand that. Unfortunately it was all we had to go on. :)

I still stand by that I don't think this is going to work though. Serp probably hit the nail on the head. Chances are your girl was trying to please you by not seeing her friends and found it's just too hard to do.

And I definitely understand being worried about the exes. It's why I'm not hanging out alone with my ex- I'm worried he'd try something, and even if I stopped it I'd still feel like it was cheating since I put myself in that position.

I think the most important thing is to sit down and talk with her. Get everything out on the table. If you aren't really as possessive as you came across and are willing to bend on somethings (and she has to as well), this MIGHT be salvageable. Might. It'd be worth a try, I guess. Just make sure you talk.

Communication is key.

Cheers,
Syka

[Crow]

And no, a strained relationship, depressed girl, and a lot of guy friends do not equal cheating. I've had all of those be true for me AND I WAS FAITHFUL.

Good for you.

Thousands of American servicemen will just have to disagree.

In any case, the relationship is unhealthy and needs to end. There are girls out there who don't mind the possessive type (lucky for me), but they tend to be a bit possessive themselves =)

[Syka]

By the way, I'm going to make a new thread for this since we're getting to 50 pages. I'll link to it either in this post, or a new one if someone posts after me.

Cheers,
Syka

EDIT: Here we go. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=3266759#post3266759)

[Vampiric]

I have two things to say:

1) I agree with Fdl

2) Shikton, I think you wrote up the relationship that I came here for...:smallannoyed: And I feel sorry for you:smallfrown: . My ex met this guy at her work, and started spending more and more time with him, talking with him more, and I just felt ignored. (and she's now at uni living with him in a studio apartment:smallannoyed:) I think that this is what's happening to you. Also, Syka and Serp have made good points, and Brickwall was exaggerating slightly, but I think (maybe it's just me) that she has probably lost interest in you. I, personally, think you are right about how she should be spending time with you if she likes you. That's how I felt. I also found that even though I was trying to meet up as much as possible (what can I say? I was in love..) She seemed to prefer being with that guy. So, jealousy set in. And the rest, as they say, is history. Anyway. I say that you should try and have an adult conversation with her. Admit your jealously, and say that you want to try and sort it out, because you like being with her.

[Don Julio Anejo]

Is that your definition of what a stalker is? :s 'Cause I can't really agree. In fact, in the words you put it it doesn't sound like a bad thing at all.
Here "stalking" is a slang term for "running around after" behaviour. Bad thing or not - depends on what kind of a person is stalking you. It doesn't just mean "aggressively observing and following around with a telescope and bugs."

I was a bit too late for Shikton's post, but I'll have to side with Scorpina and Syka.

Shikiton, I'm sorry but people usually have friends of both genders. I have a lot of female friends.... I even flirt with them pretty much all the time. Doesn't mean it's going anywhere, it's just how we talk. What you're asking her to do is to pretty much give up her friends and replace them with you out of fear that something *might* happen. Not exactly nice, and obviously overpossessive. Well, as you can see, it's having a completely opposite effect. She feels strangled and is distancing herself from you. I doubt she's cheating, but she is really pissed at you right now, even if she doesn't realize it.