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View Full Version : Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)



Guizonde
2019-04-05, 12:52 PM
Prior Threads~
Here (I) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?280469-Campaign-Quotes-NO-CONTEXT-EDITION!), Here (II) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?350188-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-II-We-all-want-to-be-the-Majestic-12), Here (III) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?409318-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-III-Now-with-50-more-DigoDragon), Here (IV) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?464897-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-IV-Just-what-Doc-Ordered), Here (V) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?491848-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-V-How-dead-is-that-corpse), and Here(VI) (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?526163-Campaign-Quotes-No-Context-Edition-VI-Good-Bad-I-m-the-one-with-the-pun).

doc: that's not supposed to go there!
belsunce: isn't that what a mechanic is supposed to say?
louka: meh, the human body is a beautiful machine.

Rater202
2019-04-05, 01:30 PM
Sarah's snuck into enough movies to know that this can only end in one of two ways: She's not particularly interested in murdering a high school while covered in animal blood and she's too young for the other thing.

HalfTangible
2019-04-05, 01:33 PM
Playing Exalted. Some choice quotes so far...

ST: So... yeah. You got nine silver XP for making that one burger.
P1: Welcome to the crafting system, enjoy your stay.

P1: Meat sword. Not the kinky kind; the deadly kind.

P2: After all, it's not unlikely the circle (or at least the abolitionist members) may have to clash with the Guild.
P3: WHAT'S THIS?! CAPITALISM!?
ST: Capitalism ho!
P2: Burgermerchant and [P3's char], the capitalism hoes!
P3: MalReynoldsSpeechless.gif

P2: Can Hungry Ghosts enjoy burgers?

Imbalance
2019-04-05, 02:55 PM
DM: you find 9 recoverable spears among the dead sahaugin
Me: great. How soon can I cut a few to length and start training Rizzo and his mousefolk kin to defend themselves?

uraniumdragon
2019-04-05, 03:20 PM
They’re playing Secret Hitler at the historical wargaming table!

gmoyes
2019-04-05, 03:50 PM
GM: *upon realizing that a high level animation spell that one of the player was planning on taking would be large enough to animate an entire mansion* When you said you wanted settlement building, this wasn't quite what I had in mind.

Guizonde
2019-04-05, 04:07 PM
me: vb, could you please get your butt out of my field of view?
vb: come on, it's almost as attractive as my wife's!

dahrzull: vb, mind getting your butt out of my screen?
me: told you!
vb: that was the grenade's fault...

vb: gui, your butt is ruining my aim!
me: it was the grenade, i swear!
dahrzull: sorry about that.

i love dying light. i hate friendly fire, but those quotes are worth it.

5crownik007
2019-04-06, 06:37 AM
Scientist PC: so ooc question since I missed the first hour, are we still on planet communism?

Coventry
2019-04-06, 11:48 PM
Gathur Silkfire (Bard) is a recent addition to the team.

... it was one of those nights.


PC 1: Is a halfling part panda?
PC 2: No, you're thinking of Ling Ling
PC 1: So, are they one-quarter panda?

Symeon-OOC: So the gnome does a cannon-ball dive into the swimming pool
Arksbane-OOC: As the gnome dives in, Arksbane casts Vision of Hell (https://www.d20pfsrd.com/magic/all-spells/v/vision-of-hell) on the pool
Killian-OOC: Killian lays back in the Hellpool, with a cocktail in hand
Symeon-OOC: We need to add an illusion of the drink being on fire
Killian-OOC: Oh, that turns it into real "fire water"

DM: The water of the pool has healing properties. For example if there are kinks in the back ...
Gathur-OOC: No! We're in another room!
DM: *facepalms*

Comissar
2019-04-07, 02:21 PM
Player 1 - "I'll cast speak with animals to wingman the bull with one of the cows."

__________________

Player 1 - "Why did I let you two go off on your own?"

Me - "You had to get back to wingman for the bull..."

__________________

GM - "You realise you're walking in a straight line, and that's never happened before."

Player 2 - "I've never walked in a straight line before!"

LordCdrMilitant
2019-04-08, 03:08 PM
D&D

AEthelwyn: Should I add some brass gears?

Lizard!Magnis [OOC]: I'm envisioning myself being this extremely masculine dragon.
***several days later***
AEthelwyn [OOC]: *Is struck by a most disturbing mental image of a dragon with a messy beard and giant pectoral muscles sticking through his scales*


Dark Heresy
Spezzal-Furs: I come back from a hard day of hunting Eldar on our ship and find that you guys have stolen a tank!

World Eaters Terminator: I bet you a skull that our guy wins.
Mishka: Deal.

Mishka: I feel kind of bad about blowing up his spaceship. He was a nice guy.

NRSASD
2019-04-08, 04:08 PM
Warlock: Here's the plan. We break into the castle, find Ireena, and rescue her from Strahd. Then we beat the tar out of her til she's almost dead, then use all of our illusion magic to disguise ourselves as her. Add a couple mirror images, and voila, a room full of badly injured Ireenas. Strahd won't risk hurting her, so we can all just walk out!
DM: Wait, say that plan again?

Recherché
2019-04-09, 08:55 PM
Cleric: “These are undead puppies, they are not the cute puppies. They are bad dogs.”
Paladin: “All dogs are good dogs.”

Rater202
2019-04-09, 09:05 PM
Sarah: "...So... Either we're in the matrix or we've stumbled into some kind of radically different parallel reality? ...Are we going to have to murder a tyrannical God-King? Please tell me that we are because I've had the weirdest urge to murder an overpowered jackass on an ego trip for a while now."

Koutarou: "I wouldn't be so quick to assume there's an overpowered jackass behind this. Or that if there is, that we can win. I also have no idea what this "Matrix" you refer to is."

Sarah: "...A shared dream of a false reality controlled by a person on the outside, which can be recognized by things that don't make sense. Like seeing a dozen identical snowflakes."

Much, much later.

Sarah: "...Me not dumb. You do bad to me, then you dumb. Me eat you and puke you back up just to make you hurt. Agree or no... dice? Head hurt, hungry, not brain well."

Imbalance
2019-04-11, 07:45 AM
Myrmidon, disgraced town guard turned hardened fighter: So, how does Selûne feel about gambling? Sinful/not sinful?
Azora, professed moon-worshipper: Why? Thinking about confessing your sins?
Myrmidon: No. But there's no point converting if they don't allow fun.

Rater202
2019-04-11, 12:30 PM
"Look, unless you know how to sneak into a sanctuary or why an American girl without a drop of non-white blood has a Japanese-named sword spirit, I ain't got no business with you."

DigoDragon
2019-04-12, 05:46 AM
Charity: "You're my favorite dad."
Doc: "Uh, I'm your only dad."
Charity: "And that made picking favorites easy."

Charity: "Brushing my teeth made me think of all the times I threw up yesterday."
Doc: "It reminded you of throwing up?"
Charity: "No, just the brushing teeth part did."

Guizonde
2019-04-12, 08:39 AM
dm: badgers aren't projectiles!
kami: they are if you've got my strength score!

free: anything is lunch if you're brave enough.
korinn: crazy enough, more like.
josé: jury's out on that one in our case.

dm: josé! what did i say about teabagging demons?!
josé: no more than my attacks this round?

hotflungwok
2019-04-12, 10:32 AM
While looking at minis on the table:
"Oh my good, look at the butt on this ogre! Did you paint the buttcrack or did it come with it?"
"Look at this one, his ass looks sculpted."

Rater202
2019-04-12, 10:36 AM
"And let's face it, do you want Hell under the control of a borderline edgelord teenager?"

DigoDragon
2019-04-12, 09:53 PM
Charity: "Oatmeal raisin cookies are the Dark Souls mimics of cookies."

NRSASD
2019-04-15, 09:04 AM
Newly-infected Wereraven Warlock: Is that how lycanthropy is spread? I thought it was through bites.... oh...
Warlock's Wereraven boyfriend: *looks at floor, blushes in embarassment*
Monk: We left you alone for one night! ONE NIGHT
Cleric: At least it wasn't chlamydia


Ranger: So in the first corner we have Team Bird, with a kenku ranger, a newly-infected Wereraven Warlock, and her Wereraven boyfriend.
Cleric: Then we have Team Elf, with our full elf cleric and the two half-elves.
Paladin: The Agents Keeblar?
Monk: NO
Other Paladin: And finally, we have Team Cat, with our Tabaxi druid, our paladin who thinks she's a cat, and an actual Sabre-tooth Tiger.
DM: So you're... what? BCE?
Cleric: Nah. Varying degrees of people

malachi
2019-04-15, 10:25 AM
This is over a couple of sessions.

Vocalae: Can you cast prestitididigate on me to clean my clothes?
Vorn: Not until you can pronounce the word correctly.
Vocala: Prestigate? Presditidigate? [several more tries] Prestidigitate?
Vorn: *casts the spell*

Nacris, OOC: I pity the poor stonemason when all the guards start checking the insides of rocks for drugs.

Vocala: Don't worry, it's clean
Vorn: Says the woman who slept cuddling a rat!
Vocala: I didn't know he was there, and I discarded him afterwards.
Vorn: Oh, so you just use men until they're not useful for you anymore.

NPC Werebear: The rest of the were-animals don't really like non-were-animals, so they're getting pretty antsy at your presence. You should probably leave.
Nacris: That's okay, Vorn's racist too.
Vorn: Exactly how is telling them that supposed to help?

Nacris: Why are you still breathing?
Vocala: Oh, right. Thanks! I should stop now.

Vocala: I leveled up, so I'm going to learn pres-[mumble]-gate!
DM: You can't cast it until you can pronounce it correctly.
Vocala: [continues struggling]
Queen, who's player is a non-native english speaker who has never played the game before: You mean prestidigitation?
DM: Queen, you now know the Prestidigitation cantrip. Despite playing a Ranger.

Vocala: Since it's been a few days, I'm down to 5 pocket sausages.

Vorn: Just so you know, the city we're just about to enter is extremely strict about magic use. Do not, under any circumstances, cast any spell. Not even a cantrip.
*Five minutes pass*
Nacris: Vocala, I'm not going to let you go off and talk to a smuggler in prison by yourself. We can't deal with you getting arrested.
Vocala: You can trust me!
DM: Vocala, you feel something hit your hair.
Vocala: I cast pres-
Nacris: NO!

Yoachuallathui
2019-04-15, 02:09 PM
Player 1 - "I'll cast speak with animals to wingman the bull with one of the cows."

__________________

Player 1 - "Why did I let you two go off on your own?"

Me - "You had to get back to wingman for the bull..."

__________________

GM - "You realise you're walking in a straight line, and that's never happened before."

Player 2 - "I've never walked in a straight line before!"

Same player:
"Darn it, i shouldn't have fed all the stun guns to cats!"

Rater202
2019-04-16, 10:08 AM
Sarah suddenly has memories of being an ordinary pig, then a really hungry pig, then being butchered and accidentally fed to a human girl.

NRSASD
2019-04-18, 09:35 AM
Paladin, clutched in the talons of a hungry Roc flying into the sunset: "It's ok bard! We're going on an adventure together!"
Wereraven bard, also clutched in the talons of a hungry Roc flying into the sunset: *screams in terror*

TheYell
2019-04-18, 10:47 AM
GM: You know this urchin is the son of the town drunkard. He's beloved by all the shopkeepers in the market. They would all adopt him in a heartbeat if anything happened to his dad.

STRIX: Is he human?

GM:...yes

STRIX: M'kay then

VelociRapture12
2019-04-18, 10:52 AM
You notice with absolute clarity that the wall is moving. You can see each section move and writhe about seeming to call to you, and as you do you feel a presence watching from afar. Roll a will save.

Guizonde
2019-04-19, 06:47 PM
malax mendez: "i seductively play with my abacus."

even with context, it makes no sense. hell, it's been 7 hours and i still can't figure it out.

TheYell
2019-04-24, 09:45 PM
MONK: Screw rescuing the dwarves! We're in it to kill goblins! No goblin lives matter!

WIZARD: Cast Charm Person.
SAMURAI: Did you do that out loud?
DM: I didn't see a Stealth check.
SAMURAI: <slaps self>
DM: Hey Monk, does an 18 hit you?


DM: He's charmed but you still have to persuade him to let you tie him up.
SORCERER: I'm a changeling with 20 CHA, I get naked and say "Hey, let's get tied up!"
MALE PLAYERS: Bwahahaha!
FEMALE PLAYERS: ...


HUNTER: I'm still in the woods looking for my animal companion.
RANGER: I'm with him, I hold up a badger. "Is this it? Hurry it's spraying"
HUNTER: Speak With Animals, I hear the badger cursing him.

Gallade
2019-04-25, 03:25 AM
""Get a fully paid study trip to Numeria, Ansem", they said. "It will be fun, it will be educational."
They said NOTHING about deflating deadly abscesses inside an alien leviathan's colon!"

VelociRapture12
2019-04-25, 09:14 AM
*So wait did I... Did I just accidently my soul a sword?

Same Session Same Character just much later

**Wait, how can I owe money if I don't officially exist?

somethingrandom
2019-04-26, 05:03 PM
Truancy is punished by navel combat?

Casimir-Ivanova
2019-04-27, 08:55 AM
*vigilantes bursting into an illegal porn shoot*
Bionic Commando: *levelling his assault rifle* Hey guys, sorry, there's been a change of scheduling, we're shooting an action movie today.
*Wins his presence attack*

Bionic Commando: *On his cousin's luck* Some people have the luck of the Irish. The luck of the Irish wishes it was her.

Panacea: I check to see if (NPC) is dead before I attempt to empathic heal him.
DM: That's a good idea, you probably don't want to try finding out whether taking half a death is healthy. At least on an NPC.

Panacea: A forgettable man gave me a non-existent letter to give to an invisible woman. Is Milliways open at this time of night?

NPC: I challenge (lucky Irish PC) to a drinking contest.
Frag: I accept.
Panacea: I'll get the stomach pump fired up.

*using hit location chart*
Frag- Where's 13?
Me- *without looking* Groin.
Surge: You WOULD know, you've hit nothing but so far.

Guizonde
2019-04-27, 10:37 AM
*using hit location chart*
Frag- Where's 13?
Me- *without looking* Groin.
Surge: You WOULD know, you've hit nothing but so far.

the real critical hit. also,

kami: right, i'm off stomping demons! josé, you comin'?
korinn: it's been a while since he's been kicked in the kiwis, hasn't it?
dm: i blame poor rolls.

DigoDragon
2019-04-27, 05:39 PM
Doc: "She cheated, she has floatation devices."
Mirror: "They're huge tracts of land, hon. Get it right."

Charity: "It's useful both for dinner and murder."

Doc: "I think George Washington is making moves on the cleric."
GM: "George had his horse shot out from under him 6 times. He was buddy up with a healer somewhere."

gmoyes
2019-04-28, 08:35 PM
Player 1: (missing mother backstory and just had most of the rest of his family killed by demons) That's my goal right now. I'm gonna find my mother and I'm gonna kill em'!
GM: You're going to kill your mother?
Player 1: Wait, no!
Player 2: Man, losing your father has driven you to matricide?
Player 3: You've got your little sister figure on your back, if you want to finish off your family you might as well start young.
Player 1: *dies laughing*
Player 3: Periods are important people.

Durandu Ran
2019-04-29, 01:19 AM
My party ended up taking a ferry up a river in our latest session and we ran into a river ogre or similar creature that attacked it. The wizard cast a spell that created grappling tentacles in a 20-foot radius around the ogre, and rolled 20 on the combat maneuver check, which grappled the ogre successfully, but also made it difficult to get within 20 foot of the ogre for the next seven rounds. As a paladin who typically is a frontline melee fighter, I spent the next three rounds casting all my prepared spells, and waiting for an opening. When one didn’t show up by round four, I used my only ranged attack option: I threw a chakram.

Me: [rolls a 4] I throw a frisbee into the river. End of turn.

sofianeo
2019-04-29, 02:52 AM
Its my great pleasure to visit your blog and to enjoy your great posts here. I like it a lot. I can feel that you paid much attention for those articles, as all of them make sense and are very useful.

Imbalance
2019-04-29, 06:52 AM
*makes WIS save*
"That is NOT Liberace!"

malachi
2019-04-29, 09:15 AM
Truancy is punished by navel combat?

*imagines two people putting putting tiny daggers into belly buttons and fencing with them*



Nacris: "You're selling your body to my sister?"
Vocala: "I really want that magic item."
Vorn: "What do you expect? She slept with a rat!"


Vocala: "I take Nacris' sister and head to the kitchens."
Nacris: "No sausages!"


NPC: *casts disintegrate*
Vorn: *turns to dust*
...
Vorn's player: "My next character: Rhaul Dustborn!"


Nacris: "We found some disturbing things in my brother's room."
Lia, Nacris' sister (NPC): *casually looks up from book* "Do you mean the headless corpse or the magical portal?" *goes back to reading*

Lord Torath
2019-04-29, 11:21 AM
Player 3: Periods are important people.Commas are important, too! :smallamused:

Avista
2019-04-29, 02:54 PM
Me: *Reading handbook* Hey. What counts as a 'tiny' creature?
DM: Anything that ranges from an insect to a household cat.
Me: ...So. I can make my spider familiar the size of a cat.
DM: *long pause* Yes.

Gallade
2019-04-29, 03:05 PM
"You choose which asses deserve saving, and which ones deserve whooping. Being a hero is all about judging asses."

Guizonde
2019-04-29, 03:57 PM
"You choose which asses deserve saving, and which ones deserve whooping. Being a hero is all about judging asses."

sig worthy quote, right there! i can't one up you, but here's some of mine.

kami: i'm bored.
josé: i can think of something.
dm: how about you two don't destroy my plot? it's korinn's turn.
josé: i'm out of ideas.

grimm: so, does it count as assault or as a high-speed appetizer?
korinn: assault. definitely assault. at least until i make him a potato gun.

kami: kowabunga! *nat 1*
kami: kowabung-OW!

korinn: see? this is why i only reroll your fails in emergencies. running butt-naked into hell is not the dices' fault, you lemming!

grimm: *throws josé's big ol' bag of potatoes* how is it still so heavy after all it's been through?!
dm: neither josé or i keep track of its ammo.
grimm: ammo?!

josé: does that mean i created an enchanted object? without feats?
korinn: i'm very, very, very jealous.

grimm: josé solved world hunger through shenanigans. i don't know if i hate him or love him.
josé: don't worry, grimm. i'm still chaotic neutral.
grimm: don't remind me.

free: *exists*
korinn: he's so totally the virgin sacrifice we'll eventually need.

ooc on when we'll play again:

dm: my rest day is wednesday.
josé: is it really a rest day if there's a session with us?
dm:... point.

malachi
2019-04-29, 04:06 PM
Vorn's player, OOC: "I've been poofed by an ass!"

Casimir-Ivanova
2019-04-29, 09:56 PM
the real critical hit. also,

kami: right, i'm off stomping demons! josé, you comin'?
korinn: it's been a while since he's been kicked in the kiwis, hasn't it?
dm: i blame poor rolls.

To put the spuds in perspective, if you get a head shot (3,4,5 on 3 dice) you do 2x body and 5x stun on what you roll. Groin is 1.5x and 4x. It is the only location apart from the head that says "hi, direct hit, have more body." and a 13 on 3 dice is considerably more achievable.

To the point my vigilante doctor has hit there 3 times out of 7 with rubber rounds.

Also, continuing the theme, back when I was a kid, I played D and D as a halfling with throwing spears, and took on a bunch of gnoll swordsmen and archers. I performed a combat roll under one of the swordsmen, and after succeeding, this took place.
DM: Roll a D20.
Me: Again?
DM: Yep.
Me:*rolls* Uhhh, 16.
DM: *hands me a d8* Roll this.
ME: *rolls* 4.
DM: Well, the THROWING SPEARS STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK don't kill the gnoll, but he certainly doesn't enjoy it.

Phhase
2019-04-30, 01:58 AM
Proud to receive and share my first worthy quote:

(Battered goblin sentry crests cliff for the third time, ablaze with lime-white radiance)
Barbarian: Is this goblin the Terminator!?

TheYell
2019-05-02, 02:50 AM
SUMMONER: I attack it for 19 damage.
BARD: Did you two-hand it?
SUMMONER: It's a giant floating hand of force.
SORCERER: You could do a Vulcan two-fisted hammer blow.
SUMMONER: hmmm

SAMURAI (ooc): You're a gnome, if you reduce yourself to Tiny you can carry yourself around with Mage Hand.
DM: Unless the DM isn't a nitwit.

SAMURAI: I wanna learn Goblin! That'll be my other language!
DM: You don't learn a language in battle!
BARD: Yeah when you alter your character sheet, you don't tell the DM.
RANGER: Yeah you just remember you always spoke Goblin.
DM: Hey! Don't teach him that stuff!

DM: So you don't want to try to swim across?
SORCERER: I have 8 STR, no points in Swim and 0 in Acrobatics. I'd just drown with the others.
DM: OK so you stand and watch them drown.
SORCERER: Um, Dancing Lights, 120 feet up, vaguely humanoid figure writhing as if drowning

SORCERER: Sorry guys, that river looked too yucky to swim in
WIZARD: It happens, I guess

WIZARD: We'll run to catch up.
DM: Run? Gimme a Fort save
SORCERER: Nat 20, plus 1
DM: You effortlessly jog for a half an hour.
WIZARD: 16.
DM: You run without penalty.
SORCERER: I call cadence!

Recherché
2019-05-03, 10:47 PM
"Forgive me Desna for I have sinned and nearly led an entire village into a cannabalistic orgy"
"First of all Desna doesn't do confessions. Second, you did what?!"

"10/10 Would snuggle the undead again."

Barbarian: "I roll to bite the door."
GM: -meaningful silence-
Paladin: "We're not that good at door as a group."
Cleric: "Can we kill the door with holy fire."
GM: "Did you guys forget that you have a key."
All: "Yes", We have a key?" 'Can we bash open the lock instead." "Who has a key?"

Necroticplague
2019-05-04, 08:18 AM
"Well, of all our prospective medics, she's the one who lost her license for reasons that least have to do with being a bad doctor."

"AG: That's what I'm trying to figure out! I was punching rocks to establish chronology, when suddenly the cave, a river, and the fire appeared. And then the lass walked out, apparently having had their bacon saved by whatever I did.
AG: So, I was mostly checking to see if that status was from things you did, or from things you were going to have to have done."

"Your porquise, your decisions. I'm just the achronal semigoddess tagging along for the ride."

Guizonde
2019-05-04, 09:01 AM
free: wait, hold up. there's a plot?!

DigoDragon
2019-05-04, 10:38 PM
Doc: "You might as well try Keto. You got nothing to gain."

Mirror: "It's spin the bottle. With beastiality."
Doc: "But they're all rats."
Mirror: "Their occupation is not important."

Rat warrior: "Rawr!"
Mirror: *crits twice on a double strike*
Rat warrior: "... squeak."

Imbalance
2019-05-06, 09:49 AM
"Ready for this? I've been practicing..."

TheYell
2019-05-09, 07:26 PM
SAMURAI: If you had a saber, and cast light on it...
SORCERER: Getting Instant Weapon and Quickened Spell later and totally going for it.
SAMURAI: Need Prestidigitation to alter the color.
DM: ...


SORCERER: "A helpless character is paralyzed, HELD, bound, sleeping, unconscious or otherwise completely at an opponent's mercy". She's held by a bear and a gnome.
DM: She's not totally without action though.
SORCERER: It says "held".
DM: Yeah but coup de grace is death not beaten unconscious.
SUMMONER: Can't get more held than grappled by a hunter, bear and a gnome.
BARD: Dogpile on the goblin!

*FORTY MINUTES LATER*
BARD: I cast channel energy and heal everything within 30 feet.
DM: I need you to pick who you heal, there's got to be a limit on how many you can do.
BARD: No limit, it's just everybody in range.
SUMMONER: That's true.
DM: Really? Your prisoner starts thrashing and cursing again.
WHOLE TABLE: NOOO


SUMMONER: Excess nonlethal damage translates as lethal.
DM: Really? OK you notice the goblin is totally limp...
WHOLE TABLE: NOOOO


SAMURAI: Look here, you try to pocket all the gold and then demand a percentage of a reward for a fight you weren't even involved in?
MONK: I got the gold, so screw it, I'll keep it if you won't divvy!
SUMMONER: Sounds like an alignment issue.
SORCERER: He's being systematic about it though, so, I say it's not chaotic robbery.
DM: Hmm organized robbery is lawful...


DM: You find a masterwork longbow and twenty arrows.
RANGER: Mine!
DM: You also find a masterwork dogslicer and a studded leather armor. On the goblins you find 36 gold, six shortswords, some broken gems, six leather armors and six shortbows.
SORCERER: Anybody writing this down?
DM: Nobody is writing anything apparently. You also found...
SORCERER: Wait wait wait!
DM: Sorry, nope. You also found...

HalfTangible
2019-05-11, 08:01 PM
Did a fun bit of role-playing at Comicpalooza.

Lita: "While Reta [my twin sister] was being cooked alive, I traded my shiny mirror for a bomb."

Lita: "While we're talking to the cheiftain, I get out a rat and start digging my thumb into its head."
DM: "Oh no, not the rat." She pulls out a bigger rat.
Lita: "... I pull out a squirrel!"
DM: She pulls out a honey badger!
Lita: "... urgh, I know I have a puppy in here somewhere..."

Foo: "I cast firebolt on the house."
Lita: "... why didn't you say you could do that before I used one of my fire arrows?!"

Lita: "THAT KILL COUNTS AS MINE!"

>Lita does down in combat
Reta: "Ha! Reta always knew she was better than you!"
Lita: "... Yeah. So do Lita."
Reta OOC: "oh my god that's so tragic"

Lita: I take a swig of my human perfume.

DigoDragon
2019-05-14, 05:29 AM
*busts into the room*
Charity: "Heeeeere's Johnny!"
Mirror: "Who's Johnny?"
Doc: "She says, and smiles in that special way..."

DeTess
2019-05-14, 05:38 AM
Fabien Tealeaf, the party cook and generally nice and friendly halfling: DEUS VULT, MOTHER****** *pulls crossbow trigger*

TheYell
2019-05-16, 01:17 AM
DM: Is the asp a familiar or animal companion?
SORCERER: No, just a pet.
DM: Ooooh OK the snake goblin is persuading it to switch allegiance. It rolls a 19! "Sssss ssseee how they hatesss usss sssnake folk"
SORCERER: That was an order! Attacking the goblins was an order! Befehl ist befehl!

Guizonde
2019-05-18, 06:20 PM
militia van nuked (formerly darole): ah reckon th' new medic is gunna fit right in to this here group.
lucii: why? because he loves money?
belsunce: because he tanked my slap and gave me a good one in return?
militia: nope, he's o-bese. plenny good hidin' behind that lard.
zbeb: militia's comment unnerved and aroused zbeb at the same time.

malax mendez: don't worry, i've got a briefcase.

louka: today, on "pimp my makita"...
lucii: do mine too!
malax: and add glitter to mine!
louka: ... we've got a crowd!

louka: i stoically s*** my briefs.

dm: ok, so croustor hits the rat-ogre for 12, 16, and 18 wounds with his axe.
louka: bull****! he just fragged a fresh one no sweat!
belsunce: yeah, nobody crits like croustor.
militia: also, don't shake his hand.

zbeb: zbeb aimed carefully his throwing knife, and summoning the spirit of his ancestors, threw with all his might to...
*rolls*
... fail miserably.

malax: *dry heaving* don't eat the bacon. it smells like the dm's socks.

militia: ok, i'm addin' "arson" to the charges we can legit' get out of by bein' badass.

lucii: i'm gonna shoot him with my shotgun!
*fails*
lucii: screw that, i'm hitting him with my wallet next turn!

belsunce: i clothesline the bookmaker.
lucii: don't kill him!
belsunce: uh, i think he'll live. you don't need both lungs to live, right?

Telonius
2019-05-20, 10:42 AM
Me: This may be the first time I've ever said this, but ... I'm going to need to borrow a bunch of d12s.

Me, later: All right, guys. This may be the only time this ever happens for you, so make it count. ::roll::

D.KnightSpider
2019-05-22, 06:00 AM
"This sounds like a little much for Level 1 characters."
"Oh, that's only the endgame. For now, you're fighting squirrels."

*Five minutes and a near party-wipe later*

"Oh, did I not mention those were ninja squirrels?"

Guizonde
2019-05-22, 02:15 PM
dm: my name is not "uncle mustache"!!

TheYell
2019-05-23, 01:26 AM
SORCERER: I use my Mind Reader bloodline power. What is the snake thinking?
DM: Do you have a common language?
SORCERER: ...No
DM: "Hissss"

Necroticplague
2019-05-24, 02:36 PM
Gene: Is 'back when it had money in it' a valid Temporal Sympathy target?

weet555
2019-05-27, 06:16 AM
This is unfortunately all i can clearly remember from a session were a nature spirit and a slave from the stars, who had never seen a tree meet.

Cade: "How do i get out off here?"
Answers when needed: "Build a boat and hope your aren't seen"
Cade: "what's a boat?"
A.w.n:...

DeTess
2019-05-27, 06:35 AM
DM internal monologue during session prep: So the pair of mechs A leaves at T=0 and can cover 80 km per day or night, Mech B leaves a quarter day later and can cover 70 km per day or night and Mech C leaves half a day after B and can cover 80 km per day or night. Mechs A and B move during the day and night, while mech C might not move during the night. All mechs are moving to the same target 200km away. The Mechs A will head back to intercept mech C as soon as Mech B arrives at the target. When and where do the Mechs A intercept mech C when:
a) it moves only during the day and b) it moves during the day and the night.
c) for both cases, how long does mech C arrive after Mech B, assuming it survives the encounter with the mechs A

DM in group-chat: I hate you all for making me do high school math.

Guizonde
2019-05-27, 10:46 AM
militia: ah guess that poisonnin' tha population might've'nt been the smartest course of action fer minimizin' civilian casualties.
louka: you think? it only caused 17 deaths, it's the least we've done so far.

Necroticplague
2019-05-29, 04:02 PM
"Gene, put the silver paint away and back away from the dragon statue. Boredom is no reason to start a holy war."

TheYell
2019-05-29, 11:25 PM
SORCERER: I'm a courtesan! I'm a professional girlfriend! I should be sitting on pillows drinking wine and playing board games!
SLAYER: Bet the paladin wished he was deaf now instead of blinded.
PALADIN: Yeah can we retcon that?

SUMMONER: I drag the sorcerer behind the wall and hold my hands over her mouth!
SORCERER: Mmmph!
SUMMONER: Shut up, it's a rescue!
SORCERER: Ok, got any aloe vera? These manacles chafe.
SUMMONER: ...

LESHY: I transform my hands into blades and stab him in the face!
SUMMONER: What are you, the Terminator?
SLAYER: Hasta la vista, Gobby!

SORCERER: Snake, attack the goblin chieftain! COBRAAAAAA!

SORCERER: It's against the Whore's Code to slay prisoners!
PALADIN: That's just because you don't get paid!

DM: You find a coffer full of gold bars and a dozen precious stones.
SORCERER: The Whore's Code allows for robbing prisoners.
PALADIN: Yeah, payola!

SORCERER: You have violated the Whore's Code! You are no whore to me!
SLAYER: Thanks?

Guizonde
2019-05-30, 04:10 AM
SORCERER: I'm a courtesan! I'm a professional girlfriend! I should be sitting on pillows drinking wine and playing board games!


my team found their merchant in the back-room of an arena, playing dice, sipping wine and generally being a poof instead of being a bookie to our gladiator. everyone was amused, except the gladiator who proceeded to shake down the backroom for cash. next time he does that, i'm calling him a professional girlfriend.

DigoDragon
2019-05-31, 08:38 PM
Mirror: "Is it bad that I had my pants on backwards?"
Charity & Doc: *exchange shrugs*
Mirror: "Not sure if worse that you didn't know my pants were on backwards."
Charity: "Those were pants?"
Doc: "This is why us earth ponies don't wear pants."

Toric
2019-06-01, 08:32 AM
Bard: "Thomas. Dear. It'll be over soon." OOC: I shove the boy's head underwater and hold it there.

Imbalance
2019-06-03, 07:39 AM
Ol Crispy: "I expected honor from you. Your goddess should be ashamed."

jintoya
2019-06-04, 09:33 AM
Fighter:
"First the dragon, now a beholder... You can't seduce all the monsters!"

AdmiralCheez
2019-06-04, 02:04 PM
"Ohhhhhh, a lobotomy! I thought you were talking about breakfast."

Ornithologist
2019-06-04, 02:20 PM
"I check to see if I have a dozen Sake bottles in my coat."

Said out of character - "I'm not sure I can sound skeezey enough for this, gimme a sec to drink."

Guizonde
2019-06-04, 02:50 PM
josé: wait, hold up. kami didn't die or get kicked in the nuts?!
dm: i'll just be over here losing my touch.

DigoDragon
2019-06-05, 10:47 PM
"First the dragon, now a beholder... You can't seduce all the monsters!"

Experience says differently. :smallbiggrin:


Doc: "Freakin' pants were riding up my butt all day."
Charity: "You've been giving your pants a free ride?"
Doc: "No, it was pay-to-play on this trip."
Charity: "You had your wallet in your pants, though."
Doc: "Pfft, yeah, and my pants took all the money. They're on their way to Vegas."

TheYell
2019-06-06, 03:18 AM
SUMMONER: Oh yeah, I have a seven-foot-tall bird-man with me.
CLERIC: That's funny, I didn't notice.
SUMMONER: I forgot to mention it in my description.
DM: It was really dark, you just didn't see it.

BARD: I feed Monkle some stale muffins. Can I use prestidigitation to make them taste yummy?
DM: Sure! He gobbles up your muffins.
LESHY: -I- feed Monkle some fresh blackberries.
BARD: Can I use prestidigitation to make the blackberries taste bad?

SUMMONER: So, you got your slave.
LESHY: It's not a slave, it's a forced adoption!

LESHY: I give Monkle the cloak of protection.
SORCERER: Imma name this goblin "Frodo" cause he's gifted out with gear.
DM: Monkle name Monkle, not know your Frodo.

DM: What do you want to do today?
SORCERER: Sleep in, maybe some light shopping...

SORCERER: Who had the griffon?
SUMMONER: The samurai, but he's in and out.
SORCERER: Cause we loaded it with our stuff like a mule.
SUMMONER: Oh yeah!
DM: You see a griffon resting on a rooftop.

CLERIC: I spot the goblin. I draw my scimitar and scream "RAID!"
SORCERER: Whoa!
SLAYER: I draw my swords and stand between you and Monkle.
DM: Monkle screams.
BARD: Don't hurt Monkle!
CLERIC: It's a goblin!
BARD: It's not!
CLERIC: I'm looking right at it!
LESHY: It's Monkle!

LESHY: Welcome to the party.
SLAYER: It's an acid trip.
CLERIC: I need another pitcher of ale...

AdmiralCheez
2019-06-07, 08:43 AM
DM: "The flesh golem rips the butter knife from your hands."
Party: "Get out of there!"
Paladin: "It's my only weapon!"

*surrounded by angry flesh golems*
Paladin: "I told you returning to the scene of the crime was a bad idea, but no one ever listens to me."

Guizonde
2019-06-07, 07:22 PM
cayden caillean's finest crew stew clusterboo

josé: basically, going into hell is like going into the most metal nightclub ever.
korinn: technically, we're going into the abyss. which is worse.
josé: details, details...

dm: are you going in or what?
josé: did i smoke novikov completely? did he respawn? good. FIRST!

dm: the place smells like sulfur and despair.
grimm: oh lord! it smells like kami!

free: uh, is this your fault, josé?
josé: for once, i'm completely honest when i say it's not my fault.

korinn: we'll forgive you when you're in the retirement home, uncle.

grimm: it's such a weak attack that we demand more.

grimm: i'll never do something refined in this group!
korinn: but you're an ork!
grimm: racist!!

josé: i was a half-elf. i am now a full elf. *clutches groin*

josé's last words: eff you, i'm saving my mom. have at thee, b*tches!

grimm: who the hell are you?!
brutallica: i'm brutallica, daughter of brutalisor, granddaugher of blender the glutton. blow me.
korinn: this won't end well.

grimm: technically, josé killed his mom.
everyone: NOBODY talks about josé's mom.
korinn: even if they're dead?
everyone: especially.

korinn:we don't throw a tomato into the portal!
free: of course we do!

DigoDragon
2019-06-09, 09:37 AM
Doc: "You have all the resistance of a package of Oreos."

Charity: "So what happens if I don't come back?"
Doc: "Dibs on your pipbuck."
Charity: "No, I'm taking my Pokemon collection with me."

Mirror: "This is what my dress looks like with the spanx on."
Doc: "Spanx, the final frontier."
GM: "Do I need to mention anything about boldly going where no pony has gone before?"
Doc: "Eh, I've been there."

GM: "Make a Gather Info check."
Mad Max: *rolls* "Ha ha ha!"
GM: "Five?"
Max: "Three."

Johnson: "If you are captured, I will disavow your existence and no help will come for you."
Doc: "This Johnson will self-destruct."
GM: "If his Johnson self-destructs, then would it be an erec--"
Mirror: "Impossible, yes. Let's move on. Celestia Christmas, I need female friends at this table."

GM: "So you are plodding along in your truck..."
Doc: "Not like we can do anything off the rails."
Max: "Our truck is a plod device?"

Charity: "I rotate the airship canon and fire on the Enclave truck."
GM: "Roll to hit. You have a -6 penalty to use unfamiliar Enclave tech."
Charity: *Roll a Nat 20*
GM: "Wow. Um, okay the truck and the Enclave soldier just... cease to exist. All that's left is the engine block that plops on the ground."
Max: "Good grief, where did a filly learn to fire an airship cannon?"
Mirror: *stares at Doc* "I wonder."
Doc: :smallcool:

GM: "Make an Intelligence check."
Doc: "Twenty in total."
GM: "You notice that there's a bulge in Max's pants pocket that wasn't there before."
Doc: "... ..." O_o
Max: *snerk*
Doc: "... ..." 6_6
GM: *giggling*
Doc: "... ..." >_>
Max: "He's not sure that he wants to bring it up."
Mirror: "Uh, phrasing!"
Charity: "So, you're not happy to see us, are you?"
Max: "Hmm? Oh this? This is a Thermal Detonator."
Doc: "Well it's a good thing you didn't go off in the fight."
Mirror: "PHRASING!!"

GM: "Roll to get underway."
Max: "Ick, an eleven."
GM: "Okay, take off with this airship is really rocky."
Mirror: "Did you leave the parking break on?"
Max: "No, um... hang on, I'll figure this out..."
Charity: "Have you disengaged the external inertial dampener?"
Max: *pushes some buttons, airship starts moving smoothly* "Right, underway now."

TheYell
2019-06-09, 12:39 PM
josé's last words: eff you, i'm saving my mom. have at thee, b*tches!


I read your comments explaining this was a story arc ending. Epic exit line!

DeTess
2019-06-09, 12:47 PM
Wizard:I go through the motions to cast another ray of frost and...[dice].. apparently this one unexpectedly exist from my other hand and goes nowhere. I don't think I've hit any of those yet this session?
Paladin:You're really not that good at this whole 'slinging death and destruction' thing, are you?
Wizard:In my defense, I've been trained in the subtle manipulation of our environment and rearranging of reality to tilt the odds in our favor, not blasting things with fireballs.
DM:*points at the large crater on the battlemap, surrounded by the charred corpses of our enemies*
Wizard:That was the result of some very subtle manipulation of five sticks of magical TNT.

Coventry
2019-06-09, 10:22 PM
GM: "Do I need to mention anything about boldly going where no pony has gone before?"
Doc: "Eh, I've been there."


Living dangerously, there, my friend ...

Only one memorable from our last session:

Killian: You do love me!
Frighid: No. I just want you to shut up.
Killian: Fair enough.

Telok
2019-06-10, 12:50 AM
"Lets take the safe route. Man the assault shuttles and charge the plasma cannons."

"Crap. We didn't assign anyone to pilot the ship." "You're going to crash into the asteroid because you forgot to leave anyone at the helm when you grabbed more crew for the guns?" "Shooting is important!"

Imbalance
2019-06-10, 08:22 AM
Myrmidon, from the corridor: Firkin, should I try to shoot him in the dark?
Firkin, next to the crumbling skeleton: No...don't do that.

Party: Ok, so plan A is we put the barrel up against the rocks of the cave-in, then line up the oil-soaked dead zombies end-to-end.
DM: Why?
Me: They're the fuse.

Guizonde
2019-06-10, 10:32 AM
I read your comments explaining this was a story arc ending. Epic exit line!

thank you. also, him blowing up an entire plane was his way of going out with a bang *bah dum tish*. the rest of the team is still very salty about that. despite all the quotes, they actually liked the character!

malachi
2019-06-10, 12:21 PM
DM, a guy: You see a man with a chiselled body, with finely bronzed skin, *description continues*
Ragar, DM's brother, OOC: Why are you better at describing hot men than hot women?

Vocala: I'm not sure how to feel about that. Disappointed because he's not interested in me, or happy because he's not going to sell me for parts.

Chiselled guy: Do you even know how baby [Vocala's race] are made?
Vocala: Yes. Of course I do. But Takei doesn't, could you explain it to him?

Chiselled guy: That's not tea.
Zhang: You can make tea out of anything!

Vocala, the the chiselled guy: When you wipe my memory, can you leave some memory of you? But without the whole cutting-people-up-and-selling-them part.

TheYell
2019-06-12, 11:26 PM
SLAYER: Zombie eyes are like raisins!


CLERIC: Knowledge Planes, 18.
GM: You know this is a fetchling, a slave to shadow dragons.
CLERIC: I say a quiet prayer to Sarenrae because this party is beyond weird.
SLAYER: Hey!


ALFIE 2.1: My eidolon is Alfie 3.1.
GM: Wasn't it 3.0?
ALFIE 2.1: Technically, he died once.
SORCERER: Have you lost count?


LESHY: ...and that's why I get 2 natural attacks per round.
SLAYER: "Hey, I have two hands!"
GM: You had one hand behind your back to make it easy, but now its on!


BARD: I offer Monkle 20 gold to learn Common.
LESHY: Monkle doesn't need your learning!
GM: Monkle looks at you, looks at the leshy, looks at you, looks at his dogslicer, looks at Leshy...


GM: What method do you teach Monkle with?
SLAYER: Teach him the Path of Pain!
LESHY: He hits him if he mispronounces words.
GM: Monkle think it not much different than tribe.


GM: Perception checks.
SORCERER: I got a 1, I don't notice anything. I talk to my snake.
CLERIC: 24. I shout "By Sarenrae" and charge forward!
SORCERER: I don't notice that either, I offer my snake a fresh chicken if she's quiet all day.

Guizonde
2019-06-15, 06:48 AM
lucii: i don't think i'm ostentatious enough.
dm: you're litterally hitting with your money. hell, you've killed 3 people with your wallet alone!
lucii: if i was more ostentatious, i'd've killed 5.
militia ooc: oh yeah, he's gonna fit right in with this universe.

DigoDragon
2019-06-15, 11:14 PM
Johnson: "Please get yourselves and that Enclave ship to me in one piece. Though not necessarily in that order."

GM: "Do you want the airship stats?"
Mad Max: "Sure."
Doc: "36. 24. 36."
GM: "Not that kind of ship."

Johnson: "We don't work with the more less reputable companies."

GM: "You all get 150 experience points."
Doc: "So I am at 260 total."
Max: "I'm at 255. Where'd you get the extra 5 from?"
GM: "He told a funnier joke last session. I wasn't expecting him to rip one out like that."
Doc: "Normally I'm just known for ripping out pony farts."
GM: "Yeah, story of my life."
Doc: "The story of farts?"
Max: "He has an air about him."
GM: "Ugh..."
Doc: "He'd like to pass on this topic."
GM: "Hate you all."
Doc: "So you're saying though shall not pass?"
Max: "That would be constipation."
Mirror: "What did I walk in on?"

GM: "Your sensors are picking up up a beacon. It's coming up on you very fast."
Max: "I increase speed towards it."
*sound of something THUD against the ship hull*
GM: "The beacon is now growing fainter in the distance..."

GM: "You hear a muffled explosion, followed by a rope ladder unrolling."
Max: "That's the easiest thing I've done so far."

Charity: "He lubed up your brain for you."

GM: "For its age, this is still a very sophisticated computer."
Doc: "Monocle, hat, and everything."
Max: "Okay, Dr. Peanut."

GM: "You fill the computer with terrible resolve."
Mirror: "Carpet cleaner?"

Doc: "I touch the door with my quarterstaff."
GM: "What's your staff made of?"
Doc: "Um... a stick?"
GM: (*rolls dice*) "Okay, it's metal. You are thrown back with the force of a heavy electrical field."
Doc: "Owww, coff coff..."
Max: "Are you alright?"
Charity: "Just had a shocking development here."
Max: "With the door?"
Doc: "It's electric. ...boogie woogie woogie."

Max: "Scotty, we need warp drive in one minute or we're all dead."
Mirror: "I refuse to be Scotty in this."
Charity: "I refuse to be Spock in this."

Johnson: "How many bodies did you leave behind to get this ship?"
Max: "None."
Doc: "Two dozen."
Mirror: "Technically, they are both correct."

Coventry
2019-06-16, 12:38 AM
Milah: I want to hear a helium Frighid!
Frighid: (glares)

Ganthur: People, the path is a trap!
Marvin: And?
Symeon: And how do we normally deal with traps?
Ganthur: We send Killian in.
...meanwhile...
Killian-OOC: Can I see the path?
DM: A blind, deaf mute could see it.
Killian-OOC: I charge down the middle

Killian-OOC: Actually, Killian would love to see himself get killed

Ganthur: Question ... why are we walking?
Symeon: (raises finger to explain, pauses)

Killian: Oh good, nobody saw that

Killian: This was broken when I got here

Ganthur: Has this tree been in the middle of camp the whole time?
Disguised Nymph: Yes, it has
Ganthur: Okay (we all know that trees don't lie).

Symeon: That would require access to maps I don't have on me. Possibly maps held in the vaults of old kingdoms. Very old kingdoms. The kind that might not be willing to let us in.
Ganthur: That hasn't stopped us before.
Symeon: I'm in.

Killian: I am fighting the desire to fight ... and I'm losing!

Killian: Aww, my toys broke.

PastorofMuppets
2019-06-16, 08:39 PM
*For the sake of all of our minds, no the Druid cannot now or ever wildshape into the dreaded Candiru. Also no one is allowed to ask what the next part of that plan was.

** Giant and/or dire parasites are not allowed to exist either, no ticks or mosquitoes or tape worms or any of that

*saving my own locks in order to prevent caged animals from being able to help our enemies fight us is clever but not going to work a second time.

** killing those guard drakes while locked in their cages is not going to be worth much xp

***

DeTess
2019-06-18, 05:58 AM
Officer:Glad you people have arrived. The suspect is holed up in that building over there, together with some kind of hellhound.
Christina: Hellhound? Small creature, could have been a lap-dog, but on fire?
Officer:...How'd you even...
Clide: Yeah, we'd been wondering where that one had gotten to.

Lord Torath
2019-06-18, 07:30 AM
*For the sake of all of our minds, no the Druid cannot now or ever wildshape into the dreaded Candiru. Also no one is allowed to ask what the next part of that plan was.

** Giant and/or dire parasites are not allowed to exist either, no ticks or mosquitoes or tape worms or any of that

*saving my own locks in order to prevent caged animals from being able to help our enemies fight us is clever but not going to work a second time.

** killing those guard drakes while locked in their cages is not going to be worth much xp

***Were you looking for the "Things I May No Longer Do While Playing (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?573751-Things-I-May-No-Longer-Do-While-Playing-XII-A-Thousand-Yard-Stare-is-not-Permission)" thread?

TheYell
2019-06-20, 12:38 AM
SORCERER: I send in the snake. "You have chosen the path of pain! Feast upon his flesh." Do we need to roll DEX for a snake entering grease?


SORCERER: And I need a third DC Fortitude 15 save against CON damage, cause that poison goes for six rounds.
LESHY: Jeez!
DM: We don't need to bother...


DM: He tells you, "This lock has 73,000 possible combinations." Do you want to try it?
SORCERER: Can I take 10?


BARD: I ask Monkle how the Common is going.
LESHY: Monkle don't need your Common!
SUMMONER: Aren't you ashamed to enslave a goblin?
LESHY: He's not a slave! He's a forced adoption!
SUMMONER: Someday he's gonna want to leave!
LESHY: No! And maybe I go with him!


SUMMONER: Send the birds ahead. Double Movement.
DM: That's 160 feet.
SUMMONER: "C'mon posse!"


LESHY: What's your alignment?
BARD: Do we get that?
WITCH/ROGUE: I have a blank space...
DM: I don't allow evil. Except maybe Lawful Evil because they can work with other alignments with their own skew.
WITCH/ROGUE: Chaotic Edgy?


WITCH/ROGUE: When I stab I want to do like a prison shrug like it didn't happen.
LESHY: "How'd that happen?"
BARD: "It's a healing shiv, wait for it!"

uraniumdragon
2019-06-20, 11:41 AM
"French-Canadian drop bears! As you walk through the sugar maple groves, all unsuspecting..."

later "I've been wondering what those would really be. Black bears, because Quebec? Small moose, because Canada?...wait...WOLVERINES!"

even later "Maybe the bear is the one playing poker. What's a demonic bear's tells? Sure, its stitches are constantly unraveling and reforming and its eyes are glowing red, but which one of those means it's got a good hand? YOU don't know."




"She's wearing a battle bikini. Where does she even keep that sword? No scabbard."

"It's a living blade, right? Maybe it wraps around her leg like a snake."

"No, around her head, and the end sticks out like this, like the most horrifying unicorn ever."

"I like to go for the visceral horror myself--she just slits open her torso and pulls it out from there, spraying blood."

"So that whole thing about teaching them fear is actually the sword telling you about all this?"

"'I've seen things, man, you don't even know!'"




"Ve put our triggers on der veapons, vere dey belonk!"

DigoDragon
2019-06-22, 09:44 PM
Living dangerously, there, my friend ...


Yeah, Doc's comments get him into so much trouble. :3


Doc: "The radio DJ said 'dad-bods' are the thing now."
Mirror: "Hon, your dad-bod was always a thing to me."
Doc: "Yay, I was sexy before I cool. ...wait."

Max: "My brain hates my eyes for seeing this."

Doc: "So we need a mission that goes badly, one of our generic NPCs die, and then he's replaced by a sassy kirin pirate mare."
GM: "You write way too many fanfics."

Doc: "Since we're traveling, we could stop someplace remote to research this safely."
Max: "I don't know where'd you find books on this outside the cities, you know?"
Doc: "Well no, you know I don't know."
Max: "Yes, I know you don't know.

GM: "Are you going to give the droid a designation?"
Max: "Um... H2-SO4."
Charity: "Great until it melts through the floor."
Max: "That would be ionic."
GM: "Ugh..."
Doc: "We're all about the base jokes here."

Mirror: "I saw it on an old black-and-white TV."
GM: "Was your bed vibrating at the time?"

Doc: "Remind me of the job we're doing."
Max: "We're picking up a guy--"
GM: "A mare."
Max: "--gal, and taking her to meet some miners at a steel plant."
Doc: "Huh. They don't look all that young."
Max: "Miners, you idiot! Not minors."

GM: "Must I be the butt of your jokes?"
Max: "Well I am feeling cheeky this session."

Pirate mare: "Might I use your radio?"
Doc: "Knock your socks off."
Max: "Oh yes. Please do."

GM: "Shoot first and ask questions later?"
Max: "I can ask questions while I'm shooting them."

Mirror: "They do exist and they brought us yellow sno-cones."
Charity: "It's lemon, honest."

D.KnightSpider
2019-06-23, 02:30 PM
GM: AND A CRIT ON THE SENSOR!
Love: "New reality? Adapted. This is my home now! This isn't my first reality rodeo!"
Longshot: "You can't deny Love. She will find a way to make herself at home and she will find a way to make herself your friend. WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT."


Love: "Am I the bad guy?"


Longshot: "Love is... what happens if you throw the Borg and Fluttershy in a blender and hit 'paladin'."
GM: *mimicking Love* "You're going to LOVE MEEE!!"
Love: "I'm not like that."
Longshot: *looks at Love flooding the ship with drones while firing stun shots at zombies*


Love: "Turns may no longer be measured in seconds! My ability to exactly measure seconds is wrapped!"


Longshot: "So what you're saying is... At some point Pinkie Pie fundamentally warped reality in some fashion so that time occasionally hiccups whereby friends can carry on conversations and smoothly enjoy interactions without interruption?"


GM: "Yes. Definitely."
Longshot: *will not question this*


GM: "So it may be trying to toss a frisbee your way."
Longshot: "These extreme sports are getting out of control."


Longshot: "I wouldn't touch it until you know for sure it's safe."
Love: "I'm not sure it'll ever be safe, but it might be a way if there is a Will."
Longshot: "There's already the possibility that LS is 'infected', we don't need another one of us under watch."
Love: "Technically, Longshot is wearing Sealed armor, but who knows with this stuff."
Longshot: "I don't, that's for certain."


Rem: "Hmm. New material."

malachi
2019-06-24, 01:10 PM
Vocala: Do vampires poop?

Ithelwyn: *drops a die* That wasn't a roll! *beat* Can I keep it?

Vocala: You suck butts, and you smell like you suck butts!
Barbarian: *dies*

Vocala: It's my sexy mom's turn.
Ronyn: So that's which way you swing.

Ithelwyn: Oh no! Right in the hummus!

Vocala: Rosa Parks is the most irritating person to fight! She just won't go to the back.

Vocala: They didn't have pron in the 17th century.

GM: They're being influenced by your magic.
Vocala: No they're not. They don't even realize its magic!

Guizonde
2019-06-24, 02:17 PM
Vocala: They didn't have pron in the 17th century.


yes they did, it was just classier and engraved. also illegal.

also, this little ooc gem:

me: get drunk in your underwear without washing for 3 days, then mosh pit in your living room in front of the scenic arts channel.

how to sum up a festival experience to a neophyte.

malachi
2019-06-24, 02:57 PM
yes they did, it was just classier and engraved. also illegal.

That's ok, the player was slightly intoxicated at the time, so I'll let the inaccuracy pass. :D

Guizonde
2019-06-25, 03:41 PM
That's ok, the player was slightly intoxicated at the time. :D

what a coincidence! so were 17th century pron engravers!

no seriously, just look at what they were drawing. they were on some strong what-the-stuff. and people say art history is useless... it's good for a laugh and a half!

Bzbody
2019-06-26, 09:25 PM
Wanted to share some of the quotes from my campaigns:

"I just have one question for you..."
*chik-chik*
"Are you evil?"

"I don't know what blast discs are but they sound like explosive Frisbees, so I'm all for it!"

DM: "So we only can give you 5 blast disks-"
*PC1 grabs disk and throws it*
PC1: "Now its 4!"

"You're getting my zip-line confused with the plot"

"Why do all of your plans involve us going to jail!?"

"Why would I want to think? I just want to shoot things!"
"Says the paladin!"

"We figured out what kind of terrorist we are. 9/11 is out but Kennedy assassination is alright"

To DM: "You thought you were going to kill us. Turns out were going to kill us ourselves"

"Congratulations, you've graduated to Saturday morning cartoon show villains"

"Spend 5 minutes searching around on the floor for it, then when I get up and am just about to say **** it when I step on it"

"Why are we heroes?"
"We finally crashed the right airship"
"It was inevitable, just process of elimination really"

TheYell
2019-06-27, 01:09 AM
DM: As a plant, it's intrigued by you and thinks you might not be food.
SUMMONER: Not another pet!
LESHY: No, I swear!
SORCERER: What's its name?
LESHY:...Fiji!
SUMMONER: <groan>


LESHY: All right, it's violent, I'll attack it!
SORCERER: Noooo!
LESHY: Fiji I loved you! But you're going down!
SORCERER: You were supposed to be the chosen one!


SORCERER: This thing was a giant mushroom? Is it tasty?
SUMMONER: You're not putting that in your mouth, no.


DM: An eidolon is not a slave. Technically, I could have him say, "You know, we're not doing that today"
SORCERER: You know what? Running into three traps on purpose would have been a good time for that.
SUMMONER: Heh.


LESHY: (after five minutes of argument that a magical creature's natural attacks are automatically magic) It says explicitly, at level three, my attacks are considered magic for the purposes of DR.
TABLE: YOU ARE LEVEL THREE! WE TOLD YOU THAT LAST WEEK!
LESHY: No!
TABLE: Yes!
LESHY: Oh well then, I can hit em now then.

SleepyShadow
2019-06-27, 06:03 PM
These are listed in no particular order beyond when I remembered them.

***

"Can I keep the skeleton wheel?"

"I just made 36,000 glass bottles. I'm basically king."

"No taking children to the Feywild!"

"When did we start playing Star Wars?"

"How is it not breaking the economy when the druid has 110,000 platinum?"

"Just what we need. More #1 bullcrap."

"Bite the werewolf on the ear to show dominance!"

"The wizard won't shut up about tanking a helicopter crash."

"I put gold dust in my beer."

"Am I the only one who doesn't have a tragic backstory?"

"64,000 acres! A penny an acre! Such value!"

"I thought you said your brain was made of cabbage. Now it's oatmeal?"

"The Shadowfell is powered by Evanescence songs."

"It's really hard playing Chaotic Neutral while sober."

"Whoo! We hit level nine! The party no longer needs me!"

"She turned our chuck wagon into Optimus Prime."

"It always worries me when you have to buy more miniatures mid-session."

Inevitability
2019-06-28, 11:24 AM
"I go to investigate this disturbance in an orderly and legal manner."

"There's giant bloody wolf paw prints, eviscerated corpses, a magical silver arrow, and to top it all off it's full moon."
"Well yeah, but that doesn't mean a werewolf did it."

"I ask him who the killer isn't, then cast Command: Lie!"
"On the one hand this kinda killed the mystery but on the other hand I'm too impressed to not allow it."

"I never actually tortured her beloved mentor figure, so I'm pretty sure that still counts as lawful good."

"Please realize that you're a 350-year-old dwarf who's asking a teenage girl to leave her hometown and go live with him."

"Inside the priest's closet, you find a small shrine to Malar."
"Is that bad?"
"If you're not an evil lycanthrope, it is."

Guizonde
2019-06-29, 12:45 AM
"I go to investigate this disturbance in an orderly and legal manner."


in a similar vein due to a particularly bad railroad from an inexperienced dm.

friend: gui! quit nazi goose-stepping in a frivolous way!

D.KnightSpider
2019-06-30, 09:55 PM
"It is less than optimal to taunt the judge when your lawyer's defense is so half-hearted."

TheYell
2019-07-04, 02:39 AM
LESHY: Are giant cockroach legs like snow crab?
PALADIN: Save me some!
SORCERER: I'll just be over here, barfing.


DM: You see the door is boarded over, the doorknob is removed and a spike driven through the lock.
PALADIN: Don't...
WITCH/ROGUE: Oh I gots to.


DM: You have defeated the swarm!
LESHY: Can we eat them now?
SORCERER: Are you eating spiders??
DM: Monkle shakes her head with her mouth full.


SUMMONER: You're aware goblins hate dogs?
LESHY: Dogs and horses.
PALADIN: I got a dog and a horse!
SUMMONER: Well just be advised she's gonna slit their throats one day.
DM: Hmm....you're good for today.
LESHY: I'll be Monkle's conscience when it comes to dogs and horses.
BARD: You're her Jiminy Cricket?

DigoDragon
2019-07-04, 08:11 AM
SORCERER: I'll just be over here, barfing.

Ewww. Ditto. :smalleek:


Doc: "Wanna help me give Trixie a bath?"
Charity: "No."
Doc: "Come on, it'll earn you brownie points."
Charity: (Disney princess singing) "I don't careee!"

jintoya
2019-07-04, 03:13 PM
"leave the Moon alone!"

The Queen: "There will be no "yo"s in my court!"

"Quack at me again, I will destroy all you hold dear."

"Who let you in, and why are you dressed like a sheep?"
(My answer to this was to look at the DM and say "Farmers-only, find local-" where I was cut off by explosive laughter, and the DM was choking on a soda)

"Hey mister, that's real charitable and all... But... What do I do with a sword?"

"These are not the orphans your looking for" waving hand like a Jedi.

"How much for the child? I wish to add it to" in dark voice "the collection!"

"There's no kinky dungeon in here!... Don't move any furniture looking for a hatch... And if you find one...I didn't know it was there!"

ZeroGear
2019-07-05, 01:10 AM
Marv: Military Specialist, trained with every possible weapon. Has a cybernetic arm.
Dan: Private investigator. Wears a coat made out of a possessed straight jacket. Knows Martial Arts.
Master Of Puppets (MOP): Said possessed coat. Is indestructible and can harden at will. Voiced by the peanut gallery.
Night Hunter (NH): Unicorn guard from Equestria. Very good with battle magic.
Nova: High School Student. Has a Stand named Big Bad Voodoo Daddy that can transfer damage to other objects. Party healer.
June: Tech Witch. Loves creating transforming weapons with AI.


Dan: "I think the Glock just hissed at me."

June: "Something wrong? You look stressed."
Marv: "Gee, let me think. I'm talking to a girl that's petting a dog that's also a sniper rifle, while in a room with a private d!ck who's jacket is arguing with a kid that's got some kind of strange ghost, and there's a mythical pony with a horn sitting over there. Also, MY ARM JUST GOT BLOWN OFF!"

Nova: "So... Pony?"
NH: "Yep."
Nova: "World full of magic?"
NH: "Yep."
Nova: "Is it peaceful?"
NH: "Usually. Unless the kingdom gets invaded by magic eating monsters, armies, power mad unicorn kings, swarms of changelings, or some other threat from a thousand years ago. Though the princesses and their friends handle it pretty quickly."
Nova: "How often does that happen?"
NH: "About once or twice a year. You can almost mark it on the calendar."

MOP: "Dan, did you let the girl modify your guns?"
Dan: "Yes, why?"
MOP: "Because your holster is purring."

June: "Here you go! One cyber arm fresh from the workshop!"
Marv: "And you didn't install an AI in it, right?"
June: "Nope. Though it would have been better if it had one."
Marv: "And you didn't add any strange or unnatural features to it?"
June: "No. Just the standard dynamos, neural links, and pistons, as requested."
Marv: "Good."
June: "And a rocket punch."
Marv: "...I'm ok with this."

Nova: "Any plans on getting past the guards?"
Marv: *pulls out silenced sniper rifle*
Nova: "...good plan."

MOP: (to June) "You're the lovely gooey center of a bulletproof s'more. You're more than safe."

Nova: "Wow. Look at this armory!"
Marv: "Yeah, they have everything. Including a... TANK!"
Nove: "Tank?"
Marv: "It's mine, mine, Mine, Mine, MINE!"

NH: "RUN FASTER!"
June: "We're going as fast as we can!"
Dan: "'We'? I'm carrying you!"
June: "And I'm trying to shoot! Stop wobbling so much!"
Dan: "Stop nagging me woman, or I'll drop you!"

Nova: "Hey Marv, lower the cannon! I want to ride it!"
Marv: "... you want to ride my long, hard, wiggly thing, I hope you know where this is going."

NH: "Was that Nova?"
Dan: "And Marv?"
June: "In a tank?"
MOP: "What are the odds?"

Dan: "Nova, get out of the tank!"
Nova: "You're not my dad!"
Dan: "I'm in charge of this mission, get out of the tank!"
Nova: "I'm in the tank and you're not!"
Dan: "Get out of the Tank!"
Nova: "I'm literally in the tank and you're not."
Dan: "LITERALLY GET OUT OF THE TANK!"
Nova: "No."
Dan: "Ok."

DigoDragon
2019-07-06, 09:33 PM
Nova: "How often does that happen?"
NH: "About once or twice a year. You can almost mark it on the calendar."

Weekly friendship problems not included? :smallbiggrin:


Max: "Do you know what my first relationship was like?"
Doc: "A mad-libs fanfic?"

GM: "They said that Aliens was a bad movie."
Max: "What?! Well then go to hell!"
GM: "Don't damn me to hell, damn them for saying it!"
Max: "I'm damning them through you!"
Doc: "You are the conduit for which the damnation travels."

GM: "Dang it, earthpony! Stop making your Fort saves and derailing my railroad!"

GM: "Do you acquiesce to the grapple?"
Doc: "Gee, I could surrender now or get my nose bloodied and then surrender. Such choices."

Charity: *so lazy she shrugs with just one shoulder*

Telok
2019-07-07, 02:27 PM
"We don't need to investigate anything. The racist drow murder cops said it's a pirate base and thats good enough for me. Break out those orbital bombardment rules and warm up the plasma cannons..."

D.KnightSpider
2019-07-07, 09:52 PM
Longshot: [The GM] is back among the land of the... connected? Information super highway? Living dead?
GM: Definitely the latter.

Rose: Good cause even though Rose has the skills, it's hard cracking open your own head to fix a thing.

Longshot: *crits a Trace Teleport check and sees the subject in the bathroom* "... I hate my life."

Rose: I can make it happen, but you might get burned afterwards.
Brazen: That's what the Sex Appeal skill is for *fingerguns*

Rose: Aww, looks like we got our own Chinese bot today.

Love: Fireproof is really good. If anything, that'll be the spell that makes Love give up lasers
Longshot: It makes for a good human torch cosplay.

Longshot: Normally the [Survey Company] is slightly less... degrading... in their questions.

bc56
2019-07-09, 10:15 PM
Player: Solas gets off his soapbox about saving the monkeys and tries to kill it.

Lord Torath
2019-07-10, 08:02 AM
Player: Solas gets off his soapbox about saving the monkeys and tries to kill it.Tries to kill the monkey? Or the soapbox?

Sam113097
2019-07-10, 05:28 PM
Druid: "It's pig wranglin' time"

Wizard: "Anyone can doot a flute"

Druid: "So we've got a cleric who doesn't heal, a wizard who's also our tank, and a druid who hates tree?"

ZeroGear
2019-07-12, 02:31 AM
Weekly friendship problems not included? :smallbiggrin:

Only if it involves the guards ;>


Dan: "Where are we now?"
June: "The sign says 'San Zucchini'."
Marv: "Why does that sound familiar?"
Random Citizen: "TOMATOES! TOMATOES!"
Marv: "Ah."

Dan: "Here they come."
MOP: "SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM! DON'T LET THEM GET CLOSE!"
Dan: "What are you worried about? You're impervious to damage."
MOP: "Do you have any idea how bad tomato juice stains?"

Marv: "I'm scared to look, what's going on outside?"
NH: *singing* "Tomatoes are eating the city."
Marv: "Say what?"
NH, Dan, & June: *all singing* "Tomatoes are eating the city!"
Marv: "I just had to ask."

Marv: "Well this is bad."
Dan: "Yeah, I'd say we're in quite the pickle."
NH: "True, but I'd relish the chance to dice that vegetable menace."
June: "But these aren't just any garden variety monsters, these are seasoned killers."
Dan: "Let's root around, maybe we can dig up some information on these mutant veggies."
Marv: "Why me?"

MOP: "Don't look now, but here comes their assault squad."
Dan: "Assault squad?"
MOP: "Yeah, they look like some mean green mothers."
June: "From outer space?"

June: "Quick! In here!"
NH: "A costume store? Really?"
June: "They'd never suspect it."
NH: "Honestly, neither would I."

Dan: "Feel the power of our steamroller!"
MOP: "Turn on the juice Dan! Let's give 'em the squeeze!"
Marv: "Where did you even get a steamroller?"

Marv: "There you are! Where have you been? And... why are you dressed like a banana?"
NH: "I was told to get in touch with my feminine side."

Marv: "So their weakness is music?
June: "Seems like it?"
Marv: "Any guesses what kind?"
June: "Smashing Pumpkins?"

Guizonde
2019-07-12, 02:16 PM
Dan: "Where are we now?"
June: "The sign says 'San Zucchini'."
Marv: "Why does that sound familiar?"
Random Citizen: "TOMATOES! TOMATOES!"
Marv: "Ah."

Dan: "Here they come."
MOP: "SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM! DON'T LET THEM GET CLOSE!"
Dan: "What are you worried about? You're impervious to damage."
MOP: "Do you have any idea how bad tomato juice stains?"

Marv: "I'm scared to look, what's going on outside?"
NH: *singing* "Tomatoes are eating the city."
Marv: "Say what?"
NH, Dan, & June: *all singing* "Tomatoes are eating the city!"
Marv: "I just had to ask."

Marv: "Well this is bad."
Dan: "Yeah, I'd say we're in quite the pickle."
NH: "True, but I'd relish the chance to dice that vegetable menace."
June: "But these aren't just any garden variety monsters, these are seasoned killers."
Dan: "Let's root around, maybe we can dig up some information on these mutant veggies."
Marv: "Why me?"

MOP: "Don't look now, but here comes their assault squad."
Dan: "Assault squad?"
MOP: "Yeah, they look like some mean green mothers."
June: "From outer space?"

June: "Quick! In here!"
NH: "A costume store? Really?"
June: "They'd never suspect it."
NH: "Honestly, neither would I."

Dan: "Feel the power of our steamroller!"
MOP: "Turn on the juice Dan! Let's give 'em the squeeze!"
Marv: "Where did you even get a steamroller?"

Marv: "There you are! Where have you been? And... why are you dressed like a banana?"
NH: "I was told to get in touch with my feminine side."

Marv: "So their weakness is music?
June: "Seems like it?"
Marv: "Any guesses what kind?"
June: "Smashing Pumpkins?"



your team is awesome. talk about great puns! also, a giant "what the hell did i read?". which is good, too.

weet555
2019-07-13, 02:44 AM
Mel: Jai, what about the gnome?
Jai: ...I don't want to catch what he has.

Bill: I know a guy that can make smoked goggles, back in Not England.
Jai: That's real helpful, real helpful Bill.

Bill: For king and country!!
Mel: Can we cut out his tongue?

Illogictree
2019-07-13, 05:54 PM
Spot: "I run for cover!"
SM: "OK, there's a conveniently-placed container truck you can duck behind."
Spot: "What's in it?"
SM: "...Uh, the label on the side says... processed... chicken... substitute?"
Spot: "...So it's a meat shield?"
Alduin: "Imitation meat shield."
Aurelios: "Its brand name is 'I Can't Believe They Thought This Was Chicken'."

Stevesciguy
2019-07-13, 06:05 PM
Said by players, not PCs:

G: "WERE ALL THE NON-ABYSS HOTELS BLOODY BOOKED UP?!"

Later in the same game:

T: Is there any problem that can't be fixed with messing sufficiently with the time stream?

Q: We'll probably find the answer that one eventually. Hopefully violence is an applicable answer in its place.

Imbalance
2019-07-14, 09:59 AM
"That....is the kind of thing that gives DMs a high hard one. Soooo much to work with"

JBPuffin
2019-07-18, 04:29 PM
A: “And so now we work for the magic IRS police.”
B: *exasperated sigh* “How did we get to this point?!”
C: “I’m pretty sure he just told you that.”

DigoDragon
2019-07-18, 10:01 PM
Mirror: "I learned how to make gourmet pop rocks."
Doc: "Gourmet what? Pop rocks? That's just that lumps of sugar."
Charity: "Spice. And everything nice."
Mirror: "Pop rocks, not Power Puff Girls!"
Charity: "Pretty sure pop rocks are made with Chemical X."

Vknight
2019-07-19, 01:46 PM
Elf : But i want the 2 Million years of research notes in blood magic!! Also totes not my cutie gf


Ninja : And because of the fact i had to leave home at such a young age this suit has grown incredibly small and is one of the last vestiges of my time with my family and good times at that so that is why I'm wearing a fishnet bodysuit

Warrior : My characters girlfriend is frozen for a year but at least i still have my sister!!


Context makes the ninja one worse and better

DigoDragon
2019-07-21, 07:36 AM
Azriel: "I'm surrounded by weirdness."
Doc, Mirror, & Charity: *walk into the tavern*
Max: "More an occupational hazard."

Doc: "Did someone call the brute squad?"
Azriel: "I'm on the brute squad."
Doc: "You ARE the brute squad."

GM: "Your genie sucks if you're rubbing Tupperware."

Doc: "I scooted away from the table. The barkeep scooted away from the table. The table scooted away from the table. We comforted the table."

Max: "We need permission to camp up on the wall?"
Farmer: "Aye, the town mayor is not... um... how you say...?"
Doc: "Not in the mood for dealing with our bull:smallfurious:ery?"
Farmer: "Yeah, that."

Max: "They put the Tabaxi in the back of the wagon, but she kept telling the teamsters where to go. She was a Tabaxi driver."

Max: "Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Don't do anything I would do. ...there's a gray middle area in there."

Mirror: "Don't get mustard in that guy's brain!"

Farmer: "Touched the door and he turned to stone."
Doc: "Took the warnings for granite, did he?"

Max: "One was too tall, one was too short, and one was too 'Thank you, ma'am, may I have another?'"

ZeroGear
2019-07-21, 09:51 AM
Nova: "How can you even see my stand?
Dan" I'm wearing magic gear."
MOP: "I am Magic gear."
Marv: "I've got optic implants."
NH: "I see magic."
June: "I see dead people."
*BEAT*

Villager1: "She's a Witch!"
Villager2: "Burn her!"
Villager3: "Get the scales and a duck!"
June: "A DUCK?"

Nova: *holds NH like a gun* "I'm warning you, this things loaded! Don't make me use the other end!"
NH: "I DO NOT SHOOT RAINBOW LAZERS OUT MY FLANK!"

Marv: "BEND OVER AND TAKE THIS RUTABAGA!"
Dan: "Phrasing!"

Personification
2019-07-22, 03:27 PM
Max: "They put the Tabaxi in the back of the wagon, but she kept telling the teamsters where to go. She was a Tabaxi driver."

Is this a pun on taxi driver, baxeet backseet driver, or both?

DigoDragon
2019-07-23, 01:09 PM
Is this a pun on taxi driver, baxeet backseet driver, or both?

Backseat pun. There was a taxi pun that happened the weekend prior when we created characters, but I can't remember the setup.

TheYell
2019-07-25, 04:03 AM
SORCERER: Charm Person!
SUMMONER: Don't...
SORCERER: Psychic Casting! She needs to beat a 17.
DM: She gets an 18 before modifiers.
SORCERER: Oops.
DM: The guard captain stares at you and yells, "GET OUT!"


SORCERER: There's a vault in the cave with a combination lock that we'll crack.
MONK: (OOC) did you just tell a halfdragon about a treasure trove?


BARD: Under pretext of helping Monkle, I steal some of your meat. 33 for sleight of hand.
LESHY: 3! Dammit! So I'm watching her walk into the room and steal meat and say nothing??
SUMMONER: With those rolls, she could have entered by the window.


DM: The door opens and out comes...
SUMMONER: A dragon?
LESHY: "Hullo son!"
DM: No!


DM: You bang on the door repeatedly but nobody answers.
SORCERER: knockknockknock "Penny." knockknockknock "Penny". knockknockknock "Penny".

Vknight
2019-07-25, 08:58 PM
DM : They turned your ninja arts into a type of Tai Chi based around a Winter goddess

Wanda : No theologians
Benikage : But what about scholars of?
Wanda : NO THEOLOGIANS!

Akra : We have 4 options, theologians, an arcology of farmers, survival of the fittest druids, and super experimental wizards which do we trust more with this job?
Wanda : NO THEOLOGIANS!

Lyn : And i'm your grand niece auntie
Benikage : We can't have been gone that long!
Gm : Its been 168 years or so

ZeroGear
2019-07-28, 10:09 PM
(Marv's player was having a bad day)

Marv: "So everyone understand the plan?"
Rest of Group: *murmurs of acknowledgement*
-Later-
Dan: "Nova! That's the wrong side!"
Marv: "NOVA YOU MOOOORRRRROOOOONNNN!!!"

Marv: "You are about as useful as a paper c-nd0-m and twice as thick!"

Nova: "I just ran out of ammo."
Marv: "HOW?"

June: "I wonder what's in here?"
*opens door*
DM: *slids over a note card and plays Sexytime Music (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6ksGHgQa0s)*
June: "Squeee!"

NH: "Please stop rubbing my horn, it makes me uncomfortable."

Dan: "Do I even want to know why you're wearing nothing but an apron?"
June: "Well..."
Dan: "Forget it. Here, put this on." *hands her MOP*
June: "Are you sure you'll be ok?"
Dan: "I'll manage."
MOP: "Ooooohhh. Her skin feels so nice!"
Dan: "YOU'RE NOT HELPING!"

bc56
2019-07-28, 10:54 PM
Player: "I finally understand why you would play Yackety Sax during an escape."

Solas: "I thought we brought the quantum tunneling ball bearings!"

Telok
2019-07-29, 11:59 AM
"Ooh, the starship fairies upgraded the shields and jump drive while we were out. How nice. Did they give us bigger guns too?"

Guizonde
2019-07-29, 03:01 PM
militia: dude, the doc's horrible.
belsunce: yeah, he went overboard.
dm: what happened?
belsunce: he raped someone. more importantly, a female corpse.
dm: ok, that's pretty bad.
militia: the kicker is that it was our female corpse!
dm: so, you're telling me you two girls object to the kill-steal more than the atrocity of corpse desecration?
militia and belsunce: OBVIOUSLY!!

dm: hey malax, could you tone it down a bit?
malax: what? i'm overpowered?
dm: no, you're sick.
malax: oooooooh, that!

militia: can we get another doctor? this one's broken. and probably not even house-broken.
malax: i so am house-broken! look!
belsunce: i'd rather die in horrible pain than let this freak touch me.
dm: that can be arranged.

AdmiralCheez
2019-07-30, 09:21 AM
- "How do you even get your flask through that environmental suit?"
- "A technomancer never reveals his secrets."

- "Oh dang, I'm going to have to keep track of cigarettes again."

- "I may be a pile of ancient animated flesh, but I can still see you gesturing to your pilot. I'm afraid no jump engines can outrun the parking fees you owe to the spaceport transit authority. How would you like to begin your payment?"

- "I'm gonna cross Necromancy Planet off my vacation bucket list. Let's never go back there."

- "If we act quickly, we can erase our names from the registration papers on our ship, and maybe we won't get blamed if the galaxy is destroyed."

NRSASD
2019-07-31, 09:13 PM
Imogen: What's the potion seller's name?
DM: Ummm... Albert?
Cornelia: Geraldine.
Imogen: the Moderate.
DM: Married.
Cornelia: Esquire.
Imogen: How do we know all this?
DM: It's on the sign above the door. "Albert Geraldine the Moderate. Married. Esquire's. Potion Shoppe."

Imogen: I feel a sense of excitement briefly at my first ever theft, followed by overwhelming guilt.
Cornelia: Why? I thought you were a noble. Stealing is like taxing, just sudden like.
Imogen: Good point! I'll write Geraldine a note and slip it under the door to apologize. "Move to Stonebridge! We won't tax you for a year since I stole your potion. Great tax incentives for small businessmen :D. Don't be here in a month."
DM: Albert takes one look at your note and flees the country that night. Living out the rest of his days under a false identity, "Geraldine Albert the Excessive. Single. Peasant."

Cornelia: We're here for Edgar; whom some call, Edgur.

TheYell
2019-08-01, 05:50 AM
TAMIEN: Odds are, one of us is the Chosen One.
BAMBI: We could be the Chosen Two!
ATHENA: There can be only ONE!!!

AdmiralCheez
2019-08-01, 09:33 PM
"On the plus side, your character gets to ride the bone tube for the rest of eternity."

"I would normally regret giving you guys the bone tube, but it was right there in the book."

"Oh, yeah, that whole plot thing. The whole reason for the entire setup of the campaign. I forgot about that. I'm just gonna go ahead and pick a different spell."

ZeroGear
2019-08-04, 01:58 AM
Nova: "So... we just mix the rust with the aluminum powder and wait?"
June: "Pretty much. Though you may not want to look directly at the..."
*FWOSH*
Nova: "I'M BLIND!!!!!!!!"

Marv: "It doesn't look too serious. You'll be able to see again in a few days. Just keep the blindfold on for now."
MOP: "Great. How is he supposed to run missions now?"
Nova: "I'll just feel it out."
*squish*
*SLAP!*
Nova: "...that felt painful."

NH: "I did not volunteer to be a seeing-eye-pony!"

June: "Three... two... one..."
*distant explosion*
June: "And boom goes the dynamite."

Dan: "Anyone see find the vault?"
Nova: "There it is!"
Rest of party: *turns to look*
Nova: "Is what someone else will say when they find it."
https://i.imgur.com/UIeXG.gif

Marv: "What's in the room?"
Dan: "Well...Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama. Fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama llama..."
MOP: "DUCK!"
Marv: "What?" *gets hit with a pie*

June: "And...I have no idea where we are now."
Nova: "Mind if I see the map?"
June: "Sure, here... Why do you insist on doing that?"
Nova: "What? I don't see any problems."
NH: "I'd rather not have the blind leading the blind."

Marv: "Why is it that every mission we somehow end up getting separated?"
Dan: "Malicious intent from higher beings intent on deriving joy from our suffering and ill-fated circumstances?"
Marv: "So [one above all] just hates us?"
Dan: "I don't know, I'm a Pastafarian."

Nova: "I'm... cured? I CAN SEE!"
*flashbang goes of*
Nova: "MY EYES!!!!!!!!"

ZamielVanWeber
2019-08-04, 11:37 PM
'gir: My blade guide has just informed me that Tiamat does have a father who might be angry if she dies, so I will put her under the 'maybe' column.

Quortle: 'gir...

'gir: What?

Quortle: 'gir...

'gir: Kyuss is like a practice run.

Quortle: 'gir...

Telok
2019-08-05, 01:43 AM
Velon: I open the door.
DM: Five Elven Imperial Navy marines with las guns full-auto you. There's an elf at the end of the line with command insignia looking smug.
Lobos: We forgot to shoot the security camera didn't we?
Velon: Reaction to cast Jaunt as a dodge.
DM: Smug elf reacts to dispel.
<rolls><rolls><rolls>
Velon: Crit two to the body.
DM: The chart says... Some internal organs are now medium rare. Take 1d5 fatigue.
Velon: KO.
Lobos: At least you aren't on fire this time.

Spookykid
2019-08-05, 12:45 PM
druid: act casual and fit in
awakened pony: moo

Vknight
2019-08-05, 07:37 PM
William : Look i got a magical spine
Party Sighs : We know
(Light context its only the first session and yes)


Towin : I wanna meet a princess
Luke : The princess taught me swordplay


DM : Luke and Leaf what are you doing
Luke : Yeah Luke what are you doing?
Leaf : Your Luke.

TheYell
2019-08-08, 01:51 AM
DM: Whatever you want to order, it's her treat.
LESHY: I want the rarest, most expensive meat on the menu!
BAMBI: "This comes from another planet, it's called 'Chef Boyardee'!"

TAMIEN: Can I get surf and turf? Flaming cow and reefclaw?

BAMBI: You said no spells on them! Not no spells on you!
MORAVI: I said NO SPELLS!

MORAVI: Awesome! I stole the Gloves of Larceny!
BAMBI: Is there a reward out for you now?

BAMBI: I have a cunning plan...but you're keeping secrets, so nyahh!

AdmiralCheez
2019-08-09, 08:15 AM
"You've been removing show tunes from existence using bath bombs?"


"The initiation is kinda like a kegger."
"Wait, are we joining a cult, or a frat house?"
"Actually, it's more like a.... well, we're not a cult."
"So, what, we're going to mix a bunch of questionable liquor into a trash can, and drink it out of an old boot?"
"Oh, gods no! What kind of college did you go to?!"
"I never went to college."


"Okay, well, you stared right into the annihilation beam despite the safety sign. That's on you."

Guizonde
2019-08-09, 11:12 AM
brutallica: what the hell is attached to my saddle bag? *searches*
dm: it appears to be a well-worn burlap sack containing about 20lbs of potatoes.
korinn: JOOOOOOOOSééééééééé!
grimm: damn, even dead he still gets the blame.

dm: ok, brutallica rides off on her giant ram, whisking away korinn romantically.
korinn: well, at least it's more comfortable than josé or grimm...
grimm: HEY!
kami: so... hot midget on midget on livestock action?
dm: i'm keeping this discussion pg, kami.

DigoDragon
2019-08-10, 09:37 PM
Leaf : Your Luke.

Pronoun trouble. :smallwink:



awakened pony: moo

*snerk* Ponies always make games more fun.



NH: "I did not volunteer to be a seeing-eye-pony!"

But ponies make games more fun!! XD


Mirror: "I have blue fuzz on my boobs."
Doc: "Am I supposed to be concerned or aroused?"

Doc: "You're the only pony I know who suffers Buyer's Remorse before you even pay for something."

Doc: "Wait, did that truck trailer say... oh, it's Penin Best."
Mirror: "Thank you! OMG, finally someone else saw it the same wrong way I did."

GM: "This is the fiber in your neighborhood."
Doc: "Keeps your internet regular."

Doc: "We can get a goat somewhere, right?"
Max: "I'm not getting anyone's goat."

Doc: "Damn, how long does 5 minutes take?"
[Beat]
Doc: "Don't answer that."

Charity: "Can I make a check to determine the liquid in the jug?"
GM: "What tool proficiencies do you have?"
Charity: "...I can do a song-and-dance number."
GM: "Then no."

Azrael: "Look, you took one for the team."
Doc: "Technically so did I."
Mirror: "And me."
Charity: "We have dumb team-building exercises."

Charity: "Would you consider your breath-weapon more of a fiery burst or chilling touch?"
Azrael: "It's a scintillating rainbow of fists. Go away."

Mirror: "Oh, there's still some peanuts in here."
[Beat]
Max & GM: "Oh, you said peanuts."
Doc: "Neither of you have the excuse of a truck trailer."

Telok
2019-08-11, 01:19 AM
A: "The 'you can make anything with UPBs and the engineering skill' has some consequences that I don't think they considered when they put that rule in the book."
B: "But how many groups are going to try improving and replacing a gods sexual organs with biotech and cybernetics?"
A: "I'll bet we aren't the first."
C: "Rule 34."

TheYell
2019-08-12, 12:39 PM
DM: "OK what rumors can we start for fun? … See that man over there? He sleeps with his sister."
MORAVI: OK, that's...mildly disturbing.
LESHY: "Mildly disturbing"?!

DM: "And I don't know what made you think this was a date, I am married with three children!"
TAMIEN: Forgive me, madame, that was uncool.
LESHY: Uncouth.
TAMIEN: That too.

MORAVI: [OOC] Do we get our level 4 abilities yet?
DM: You haven't slept on it.
BAMBI: [OOC] Oops.
DM: That's ok, you just like to cheat, I get it.

BAMBI: I invoke the Rule of Cool and telekinesis my dagger back in my hand.

DM: Anything else you want to order? If it's served in the Inner Sea, it's on the menu.
BAMBI: <raises finger> Oh!
DM: You're not there.
BAMBI: <lowers finger> Aw.

Telok
2019-08-12, 07:12 PM
Player: When you told us how many troops were in the navy base I thought they'd be almost all minions.
DM: It's a covert listening post and resupply in a disputed system. Veteran soldiers aren't mooks.
Player: And the commander won't talk to us!
DM: You snuck in, shot people, busted loose a murdering criminal, caused the power generators to implode, blew up a vehicle bay, and wasted eighty percent of the combat troops.
Player: He can still surrender. We'll let him go!
DM: Would you trust you guys if you were him?
Player: Heck no. We're murdering thugs.
DM: Blowing the nukes it is.

Diachronos
2019-08-12, 07:57 PM
"So I need to finger Chacho again?"

Anachronity
2019-08-13, 10:47 AM
Me: "You walk into the town. It's a cozy place, (etc.)"
Player: "Are there shops?"

What I meant to say: "Nothing spectacular, but there's a weapons-smith, an armorer, and a butcher."
...
What I said: "Nothing spectacular, but there's a weapons-smith, an armor-smith, and a meat-smith."

Elvensilver
2019-08-13, 12:38 PM
"So I will just keep laying on the nice sword fish next to the ship until the paralysis wears of, yeah?"

bc56
2019-08-16, 03:11 PM
Kit: Punch him with your sword and hammer!

Solas: We just committed genocide in your name. I hope you're proud of us.
Kit: I use my reaction to commit a war crime.
Solas: Can I flee to Argentina?

Kit: Skipper, go heal Lathanderman.

Solas: All my prayers go to Lathander. There is no faith energy for you to siphon.

Dwarven Chief: That's not a box, it's a mold.
Solas: You'd think a smith should have recognized a mold.
Skipper: You described what it was so well without making it clear what it actually was.

DigoDragon
2019-08-17, 09:25 PM
"meat-smith."

Subway has sandwich artists, so... seems legit.


GM: "You locate the mound."
Doc: "Can we search for the Almond Joy?"

Azriel: "I can't help it if i'm the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise."

Max: "Objects are immune to poison and psychic damage."
Mirror: "So Doc can't vicious Mockery the door."
Doc: "I wasn't thinking that... as Plan A."

Max: "Uh, the door has a dodge score of zero."

GM: "All that's left of the door is the lock and the hinges."
Mirror: "Wonderful shooting, Max!"
Max: "Yeah, on my Twentieth shot."

GM: "You take two points of fire damage--"
Max: "Fire resistance."
GM: "One point of fire damage from the flask. A little goblin creature ducks down behind a barricade."
Doc: "Surrender now or Max will take another twenty shots and destroy you!"
Max: "Not. Helping."

Max: "They have a critter."
Mirror: "Is it the dog?"
GM: "It's a wolf."
Max: "Ah, a pre-dog."
Doc: "An un-evolved canine."
Mirror: "An emo pupper."

Goblin: "Wolf, Place!"
Mirror: *swings her sword and crits*
Wolf: *detonates*
Mirror: "No."
Goblin: "Eep."

Mirror: *cuts goblin in half* "Save one for questioning!"
Doc: "What if we have two halves? Can I just sew them together?"
Max: "No, that's not gonna cut it."

Mirror: "I want him prisoner."
Doc: "Then donk him on the head."
Mirror: *crits*
Goblin: *knocked out cold*
Mirror: "I didn't mean to donk him so hard."

Doc: "Fiiive scimitars! Four stimpack."
Mirror: "Three bottle caps."
Max: "Two wolf chunks."
GM: "And a scared goblin prisoner."

Aniikinis
2019-08-18, 05:23 AM
I have some gems over the years.

Past Group:
3.5
Warlock: "I know what I'm doing"
Dread Necromancer: "You have no idea how much that scares me"

Player 1 playing a Commoner: "I put on my armor and draw my broadsword."
Everyone else: "wait, what?"
P1: "I'm a fighter, boyyyyyyys!!!"
P2: "...You have 5 HP"

P4: "I put on my robe, and wizard hat"
P2: "You're a druid"
P4: "I put on my loincloth and light a joint..."

P2: "That's not lawful good though?"
P1: "Dude, my Int is like 5, are you really gonna try to argue with me?"
P2: "No, I'm just gonna quietly sulk and give your character the stink eye"
P3: "Can vampires sulk?"
P2: "Can a candy person eat himself? Same answer"
DM: "Will you three please shut up so we can continue?"

P1: "Where is the brothel?"
DM gives directions: "why?"
P1: "No reason. I go to the brothel and get the attention of every lady inside."
DM: "Okay, they're all listening"
P1: "I offer each of them a gold coin if they would go to the gnome's store and wander around."
DM: "...the one you got kicked out of?"
P1: "Yes"

Space campaign in homebrew system
P3: "All hail goat god! Crusade on Battoria"
P2: "This is why the government is paying me to restrain you through force."

P3: "Have you heard of Goat God?"
Enemies: "Yes, now if you don't leave we'll spill your blood to satisfy him."
P3: "Okay, cool!"

Current Group:
3.5
P1: "I'm pressing the button like 5 times"
P2: "Do it and I break the finger"

P3: "Leeroy! Jeeeeeeeeeeenkyenasns"
DM: you take 1032 damage
P3: "F***"

3.5 players adventuring in Xena setting
Party kicking butt
Little Shub'niggurath(Ozodrin): "That old man got other people on this quest before me?! What a rip off! Oh wow they're getting smashed. ...May party now I guess."

BoneShaper: "Okay, we need bodyguards for this"
Drow Necromantress: "You need bodyguards

NPC: "you need the bones of dryads to kill him."
LS: "...Dryads have bones?"
BS: "Since when did they have bones?"
DN: "I never knew that, that sounds fake"
3 hours later
LS: "First: those weren't dryads. Second: They did in fact have bones."
DN: "I figured party princess would know a thing or two about bones"
LS: "Could say the same for you. Anyways, let's stab the guy and get out.

LS: "Who's ready to paaaaaarrtaaayyy!!!!"
Everyone else in the party: "Not a chance"
Indigenous Natives Who Spoke Common: "Party?"
LS: "I'm gonna show you something you'll never see for about 300 years!"

Playing an All Flesh Must Be Eaten game set in WalMart Apocalypse. Somewhat in temporal order.

Meat Barbarian: "Where do you keep your long pig?" [everyone stares at you like you're insane]

Tron'Boy: "Dear Watt, why won't this bandit die? Stop dodging successfully and die already!!!"

Cat-Clan Diplomat: "OH SO HONORABUR my a**, if they were so honorable why don't they come fight us like men?"
Me, the DM: "Roll initative"
Cat-Clan Diplomat: "...f***..."

Mercury: "OH GOD THEY'RE SLAVS"

Meat Barbarian fishing through the trunk of a humvee for something useful, pulls out a mortar and shell "when the f*** did we get this?"

Beastmaster from pets: "f*** No! Sally! Bad Lizard! You put the vial of anthrax back!" Sally is his mount, an iguana about the size of a car and resembling a komodo dragon more than an iguana.

Me: "Well, she shoots it, but now half of the wall of the fortress is gone. On the plus side, Sally can now take ranks in Firearms. Might wanna get that whole 'no thumbs' thing figured out though"

Cat-Clan Diplomat on a turret: "Rock n Roll B****ES!!!!"

Tron'Boy: Rolling knowledge on the thing they pulled out of the trunk "14"
DM: "It's a Red Matter Bomb"
Tron'Boy: "I zip down there and yell 'Give it to me!'"
Cat-Clan Diplomat: "Here, take it"
Tron'Boy: "Now I fling it over the wall"
DM: Stunned silence then "roll"
Tron'Boy: "22! Booyah!"

ZeroGear
2019-08-18, 10:18 AM
Infrequent visitors make great players of antagonists ^^.


Minion 1: "Introducing, her Imperial Grace, Mistress Anastasia Zolodyne!"
Dan: "Looks like we finally get to meet the big bad."
Anastasia: "Foolish little things! You thought you could ruin my plans? In the end, I will always be victorious! Ohohohohoho!"
Nova: "That laugh is going to haunt my nightmares, I just know it."

June: "Don't worry, Marc will save us!"
Anastasia: "Who?"
June: "You don't know? His name is Legendary!"
Nova: "His strength is remarkable!"
NH: "And his theme song, is pretty good too!"
June: "Bam, bam; bam, bam, ba-bam, bam..."

Grace Zolodyne (little sister of big bad): "You... took out all the robots I built."
Marv: "Um... yes?"
Grace: "Those were state of the art battle robots, with top tier specs and military grade weapons..."
Marv: "Ah... Sorry?"
Grace: "I WANT YOUR BABIES!"
*beat*
Marv: "...nope." *runs away*
Grace: "No! Sweetheart! Come back!"

Marv: "Move! Move! Move!"
NH: "Hoofing it! Hoofing it! Hoofing it!"
Nova: "Run! Run! Run! Run! Run!"
Anastacia: "Get them! Capture them and throw them in the dungeon!"
Grace: "Bring the sexy man-meat to my room!"

NH: "Looks like we found the minion break room."
Nova: "Oooh, they have a fridge! Time to steal their lunches!"
Marv: "You're going to steal their food? Now?"
Nova: "What? Running builds up an appetite. Oooh! They have Surge!"

Dan: *opens random door*
Male Minion in a bath towel: *Girly scream*
Dan: *closes door*

June: "Hello boys, let me introduce you to Fido."
Minion: "Is that a robot pit bull?"
Fido: "Wroof."
June: "Fido, sick-em."
Fido: "Wroof" *transforms into mini gatling gun*

NF: "Ohwoaw,thisstuffisamazing!I'veneverhadanythinglike thatbefore!Ican'tbelievehowgoodIfeelrightnow!It'sl ikemymagichasnolimits!IbetIcouldevenmovethesunIfIa ntedto!Ineedtotrythisstuffmoreoften..."
Marv: *Glares at Nova*
Nova: "How was I supposed to know that Surge makes ponies hyper?"
Marv: "SURGE MAKES EVERYONE HYER YOU DOLT!"

NH:"REEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
MoP: "It's not every day you can say you've seen a pony SCUD missile."

dunfluff
2019-08-19, 01:25 PM
Horell: “I think there has been a misunderstanding regarding us.
you seem to believe that we might pose a threat to you and/or your boss.
We are here to confirm those misunderstandings”:smallamused:

Horell: “I should be disgusted… but this is probably
the 12:th time I’ve smelt this.”

GM: “I meant to say it was evening, therefore it is.”

GM: “Bandits go down the hooole”

GM: “The hole is not impressed by your personality.”
Lonji: “Lonji go down the hooole.”

Scar: “If we sink the boat, it won’t burn.”

Alum: “I’m a rock”
GM: “your sinking like a stone”:smallbiggrin:

Scar: “Don’t worry Lonji. if you die, I’ll eat your body so you´ll always be part of this party.”
Lonji: “Aww. That’s the way I’ve always wanted to... wait...”:smalleek:

Alum: “I dub thee captain obvious of this vessel”

Horell: (OOC) “Did we get sleept?”
Alum: (OOC) “We are lvl 5, we can’t get sleept.”
Horell: (OOC) “Greater sleep?”
Alum: (OOC) “Powernap!”:smallbiggrin:

TheYell
2019-08-19, 01:56 PM
Horell: “I think there has been a misunderstanding regarding us.
you seem to believe that we might pose a threat to you and/or your boss.
We are here to confirm those misunderstandings”

I laughed to read that

KNIGHT: What is this place called?
GM: I dunno, wilderness.
KNIGHT: Then from this day forth I shall be the Count of Adanno Wilderness. Cause I'm what counts out here!

Personification
2019-08-19, 03:03 PM
I laughed to read that

KNIGHT: What is this place called?
GM: I dunno, wilderness.
KNIGHT: Then from this day forth I shall be the Count of Adanno Wilderness. Cause I'm what counts out here!

"Yes... yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... This Land."

Mr.Sandman
2019-08-19, 10:12 PM
So I ran what was supposed to be a beer and pizza one shot to unwind tonight, except we ran out of time before the end. 3/4 of the characters, Paladin, Cleric, and Wizard, were the 1e Pathfinder Lv 7 pregens, and the Dungeon was a randomly generated one, monsters and all, from online.

Dm: You just reverse Tyr'd that winter wolf.

Paladin: I just made this gauntlet brown in a wolves *******, and I'll clean it off on your face.

Paladin: Remy's a battering centaped.

Bard: Remy is the one facing away from the camera on the box art
Paladin: 6 capes flowing in the wind.

Cleric: What's 'Good Boy' in Giant?

Dm: Roll Perception, no wait, that is the corner of the room that is slowly burning, there is a secret door slowly burning in the northwest corner.

Dm: Would you like to go into the next room and not watch the bear try to climb out and impale itself for the next 7 minutes.

Paladin: This Frost Giant orphaned and kidnapped a 3 year old. This is the first time I have ever seen my brother (the DM) truely angry at a random dungeon generated boss. He is going down.

A cookie to anyone who can figure out what Remy is. Also, yah, I may fudge things in their favor during the boss fight. Endangering children is my personal berserk button, even if those children are fictional and silver dragons.

Kalaska'Agathas
2019-08-20, 01:46 AM
DM (Me): "Alright, what will you do with the bandits you've captured, then?"

Cleric: "Wait, so, just to check, are we essentially getting more involved in Oleg's plot to commit tax evasion?"

Everyone Else At The Table: [Uproarious Laughter]

malachi
2019-08-20, 09:33 AM
Quill, OOC: Well, I rolled a drow with the criminal background, but I don't like playing evil characters...
Lore, OOC: Well, I rolled a drow with the folk hero background, but I don't like playing good characters...
Quill, OOC: So I try to do good, but you get all the credit, because that's what brothers are for, right?


Quill: Lore, go with the Eladrin. Maybe you can learn something.
Lore: Why do I need to learn anything?
Quill: *says something boring*
Sleep, OOC: You missed your chance to call him stupid!


DM: Unlike most sailors, the captain doesn't seem superstitious about Tieflings on his ship.
[one ship-ride later]
DM: The captain curses [the Tiefling] and tells him to get off his ship.


Quill: I have friends-
Lore: No you don't.
Quill: You can trust them.
Lore: No I can't.
...
Lore: See, this is why we can't trust your friends!



Quill, OOC: This is my spider, Eric, it's a pun on-
Sleep, OOC: You missed your chance to call him Peter! Spiderman / Peter Quill!


Quill: Hold on a second, I need to see something. *drops concentration on dancing lights, room becomes pitch black*


DM: An arrow hits Quill in the knee, and -
Quill, OOC: I guess I have to join the town guards now...


DM: Roll initiative. *runs surprise round wrong, almost kills 2 PCs* Quill, you're up.
Quill: *casts fireball*
DM: You do realize you're on a ship, right? And that Shield almost stumbled into a barrel of tar a second ago?
Quill, OOC: I didn't ask if we were on a ship, I said I cast fireball.


Quill: *has 1 hp, is on fire*
Quill: *jumps into water, fire goes out*
DM: It's winter, so make a CON save and take... *rolls* 2 damage, or half on a save.
Quill: *passes save*
Quill: *passes out*


EDIT: Just remembered one more.
Quill: It's not illegal, it's economics!
Quill, OOC: And this makes it the one thing that is so horrible that even drow find it detestable and want to kill him about!

TheYell
2019-08-21, 12:27 PM
DM: So what do you do in town?
BAMBI: I milk my snake.
TABLE: WHAAAA
BAMBI: I have an asp, I harvest the venom! sheesh

BOSS: So, by now you have killed dozens to reach me. Your wrath is superb. Perhaps there is a place for you--
MAYA: There's a place for me in your slit throat! <attacks>

BAMBI: I was out shopping, check out these killer stiletto heels!
MORAVI: I don't think you want to take those down there.

BAMBI: "By consuming a nonevil humanoid once a month, a barghest gains a growth point"
DM: Err?
ICARUS: OK, so maybe Munkle can't be a barghest.
DM: Yeah, that is not a good fit for Munkle.
BAMBI: We could find CN pirates and feed it to her once a month--
DM: How's about "no"?

MORAVI: I could get a tumbleweed as a familiar.
LESHY: I object! That's the corpse of a plant.
MORAVI: Doesn't say undead.
DM: Yeah so it's alive.
LESHY: You realize I'll speak Plant to it?
BAMBI: "You ain't but a slave! It's revolution time!"

TAMIEN: So it turns out drinking blood to learn spells is an evil act.

Also TAMIEN: I'm gonna be drinking so much blood this campaign...

[OOC Pregame]
DM: So what class should Munkle take for level 3?
BAMBI: Ninja!
LESHY: I object to characters learning a class without somebody to instruct them.
BAMBI: She could read the manuals by mail order!

Miz_Liz
2019-08-22, 04:20 PM
"Listen, with all my tools, Mending, and a bedroll, we'll make something work."

SleepyShadow
2019-08-23, 01:08 AM
"Don't haggle with the stable boy. I'll club him like a baby seal and we'll take the horses."

"My gnome has a beard so people stop mistaking him for a little girl."

"I survived my own self-inserted brain tumor, so I must be a god!"

"My vampire doesn't believe in the supernatural. He only believes in Atlantis."

"I hit the alien's spaceship with my shovel."

"I'm so sick of eating cassowary that canned corn sounds really good right now."

"Let's use raise dead on the BBEG so he can help us fight the less cool bad guys."

"Why is your sock puppet quoting Nietzsche?"

Illogictree
2019-08-23, 10:07 PM
DM: "As you cast your spell, you feel something go wrong. A storm suddenly forms in the corridor, and it begins to rain blood. You all have to make Dex checks to remain standing."
Spot: *Makes his save* "I lick a little of the blood. What does it taste like?"
DM: "Uhhh... it tastes like processed chicken substitute."
Spot: "I stop licking."

Aurelios: "What else do we find?"
DM: "There's a Mechanus shrine here. Inside is a Mac Classic. It's labeled, 'To our patron saint, Steve Jobs'."
Spot: "Quack!"

Aurelios: "I cast the spell unfettered!"
*A few rolls later*
DM: "Well, this is a bad precedent. So, as you cast your spell, everyone hears creepy voices whispering from nowhere, whispering terrible truths to you."
Creepy Voice: "Hey! Hey you! You know those hamburgers you like so much? You know what they're really made of?" *beat* "Processed chick-"
*Entire table bursts out laughing*

LordCdrMilitant
2019-08-24, 12:58 PM
DM: "As you cast your spell, you feel something go wrong. A storm suddenly forms in the corridor, and it begins to rain blood. You all have to make Dex checks to remain standing."
Spot: *Makes his save* "I lick a little of the blood. What does it taste like?"
DM: "Uhhh... it tastes like processed chicken substitute."
Spot: "I stop licking."

Aurelios: "What else do we find?"
DM: "There's a Mechanus shrine here. Inside is a Mac Classic. It's labeled, 'To our patron saint, Steve Jobs'."
Spot: "Quack!"

Aurelios: "I cast the spell unfettered!"
*A few rolls later*
DM: "Well, this is a bad precedent. So, as you cast your spell, everyone hears creepy voices whispering from nowhere, whispering terrible truths to you."
Creepy Voice: "Hey! Hey you! You know those hamburgers you like so much? You know what they're really made of?" *beat* "Processed chick-"
*Entire table bursts out laughing*

It sounds like your psyker[s] are having FUN.

I think it's funny: In the games I run, the Inquisitorial psyker always overchannels to maximum overchannel [and perils as a consequence], but the Chaos psyker like never casts above Fettered because he's afraid to blow up.

DigoDragon
2019-08-24, 09:05 PM
NF: "Ohwoaw,thisstuffisamazing!I'veneverhadanythinglike thatbefore!Ican'tbelievehowgoodIfeelrightnow!It'sl ikemymagichasnolimits!IbetIcouldevenmovethesunIfIa ntedto!Ineedtotrythisstuffmoreoften..."

Oh yeah, fav PC right here. XD


Mirror: "What do you want to do with the leftovers?"
Doc: "Can you put them away?"
Mirror: "You can put them away."
Doc: "I'm doing the dishes right now."
Mirror: "Pfft, the dishes aren't that important."
Doc: "Tell that to you, my wife!"
GM: "This may be the only time meta-gaming is legit."

GM: "You see several bone-tipped stakes at the bottom."
Max: "Mmm, bone-in steak."

Doc: "Please see your doctor if you are punning for more than 4 hours."

Max: "Because they're stairs, you can lean back."
Mirror: "Lean back! With my mind on my money and my money on my mind!"

Doc: "I think the water dried out and went stale."

Doc: (smoldering)"But the- was be- you can't- dammit goblins! Ceiling or floor?! Pick one place for your traps!!"

Mirror: "I can dump out the grain and give the bag to Charity."
Charity: (Richard Nixon voice) "Sack-it-to-me?"
Max: "Seems like a waste of food."
Doc: "Let's not go against the grain."
Mirror: "But I don't want to stalk back here again for the bag!"
Doc: "Rye are you being difficult?!"
Mirror: "Because your idea chaffs my style!"
Doc: "Fine, we'll go with your graindiose plan!"
Mirror: "Wheatever!"

Azriel: "My pact with the dark ones is earning interest rates."

GM: "You know what alchemist fire feels like on your fur?"
Doc: "UNFORTUNATELY." :smallannoyed:

Max & Doc: "Let us out! Let us out! Let us out!"
Azriel & Mirror: "Let us in! Let us in! Let us in!"

Telok
2019-08-25, 04:39 PM
A: Of course I'm not really going to let him go if he surrenders. I have a bag of ghoul parts that I'm going to stick in him to see what happens.
B: You're sick.
C: No he's not. He made the save and got better.

C: See? Nobody ever talks except to try to ambush us. We should have just nuked it on the way in.
A: Thery're only light nuclear missiles. Nobody would die and the loot wouldn't be worth even the piddly 10% resale then.

Feddlefew
2019-08-26, 09:44 AM
The Party: (Several different pre-battle background conversations going on at once.)

Bard: Does heat metal work on guns?

Me, The DM: Yeah- it'd probably set off any bullets in the magazine too.

Hexgun Warlock, who wields A Terribly Cursed Gun: Does it work on *my* gun?

Me: No, of course not.

The Party: [Horrified silence.]

Telok
2019-08-26, 12:11 PM
Smythe: I'm covered in blood, up to my knees in counterfit fake breasts, and have four meter tall killer robots shooting lasers at me.
Lobos: Yeah. We're awesome.

Guizonde
2019-08-26, 03:03 PM
Smythe: I'm covered in blood, up to my knees in counterfit fake breasts, and have four meter tall killer robots shooting lasers at me.
Lobos: Yeah. We're awesome.

yeah, you guys are awesome.

malachi
2019-08-27, 12:36 PM
Alien's player wasn't present last session, and he had gone to sleep at the end of the previous session, so neither he nor his PC had any idea what hijinks had occurred.


Quill and Lore, Drow, brothers. Wizard and Sorcerer, respectively
Alien, Eladrin Warlock.
Shield, Dragonborn Battlemaster Fighter.
Sleep, Tiefling Eldritch Knight. Has no memories, but lots of scars.


DM: Alien, in your dream you find yourself in a warm room with a wood floor -
Entire party but Alien, OOC: *bursts out laughing*
Quill, OOC: "It really wasn't my fault!"


Quill, OOC: "You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, a dragon comes and kidnaps her, so you really need to learn the difference between red and black dragons. Which ones you can fireball, and whotnot."


Sleep, OOC: "Wait, does dynamite exist in this setting?"
DM, OOC: "Yeah"
Sleep, OOC: *squeals like a little girl*


Alien, OOC: "I think I just turned this into an evil campaign."
Quill and Lore, OOC: "Says the non-Drow."


Shield: "Did a weird guy just come and ask you-"
Quill: "To meet when the ball of death was at its peak?"
Shield: "Ok, it must have been a message from Alien, then."


Quill: "Do the cells have windows?"
DM: "Yes"
Quill: "Noooooooo!"
DM: "Your cell is also in the sun about 90% of the day"
Quill: *shrivels and dies*


Alien: *does something I didn't write down*
Quill, OOC: "Ah, yes. The the Drow style of economics."


Alien: "Why don't we break them out, 'catch' them outside the city so that you can gloat over them?"
Lord Gorbert, NPC: "I do love to gloat."
Alien: "I used to enjoy gloating back in the day, myself."
Lord Gorbert, NPC: *glares* "I'm the only one allowed to gloat."



counterfit fake breasts

counterfit fake

Which means what exactly?

TheYell
2019-08-29, 12:50 AM
TABLE: <babble>
BAMBI: [OOC] My mindreader bloodline power has a DC 17 Will Save, so if they make it, do they know I tried to read their mind?
GM: Absolutely!
TABLE: Wait, what? Don't! No!

Mr.Sandman
2019-08-29, 05:08 AM
Which means what exactly?

According to my wife it is actually a major problem. Because the breasts are counterfeit they aren't medical quality or something like that. It makes it easier to get an infection from them.

Comaward
2019-08-29, 04:30 PM
Each conversation is from a different campaign.


Rogue: Are you even capable of being stealthy?
Tiefling Bard: I prefer to stick out like a sore thumb.
Barbarian: Ask a stupid question . . .


Cleric: SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN, NO!!! HE’S FINALLY DONE IT!!! HE’S SENDING NICOL BOLAS TO KILL US!!!


Half-Orc: [brandishes maul] No edges!
NPCS army: [brandishes swords, axes, and halberds] Edges!
Half-Orc: LET’S GET SOME LIVER!!
NPCs: YEAH!!
Human: [looks over at the elf like ‘wtf?’]
Elf: [turns to the dwarf] I blame you for this.
Dwarf: IT WAS ONE TIME!!!


Paladin: To quote the Ranger’s Apprentice series, I spend my time looking for Albert.
DM: Who?


FROM MY CURRENT CAMPAIGNS
Bard: [out of character] as the pastor of the nearby church, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but just use the F-Word next time.

Warlock: [out of character] Were this me, I would totally buy it from him. But as this is fantasy, [in character] I must politely decline.
Wizard and Paladin: [move their seats a few inches away from the Warlock].

Personification
2019-08-29, 05:07 PM
Cleric: SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN, NO!!! HE’S FINALLY DONE IT!!! HE’S SENDING NICOL BOLAS TO KILL US!!!

Nobody sends Nicol Bolas. He's the guy who sends people.


Paladin: To quote the Ranger’s Apprentice series, I spend my time looking for Albert.
DM: Who?

I have read that series twice. I have no idea to what this refers.


Unfortunately, I have no quotes to give. :smallfrown:

Comaward
2019-08-29, 05:34 PM
Nobody sends Nicol Bolas. He's the guy who sends people.



I have read that series twice. I have no idea to what this refers?


FIRST QUOTE
We had accidentally broken into the lair of an ancient Void Dragon.
The DM pulled out his copy of the Tome of Beasts and showed us a picture of the creature.
The guy playing the Cleric (who in real life was a massive Magic: the Gathering fan) had an honest-to-goodness panic attack just from the picture in the book.
The HE in question, was the DM.

SECOND QUOTE
You know, when you lean over the side of the ship and say “alblerrgggh!”

Personification
2019-08-29, 06:26 PM
FIRST QUOTE
We had accidentally broken into the lair of an ancient Void Dragon.
The DM pulled out his copy of the Tome of Beasts and showed us a picture of the creature.
The guy playing the Cleric (who in real life was a massive Magic: the Gathering fan) had an honest-to-goodness panic attack just from the picture in the book.
The HE in question, was the DM.

SECOND QUOTE
You know, when you lean over the side of the ship and say “alblerrgggh!”

Ah. Googling it, that really does look like Nicol.

TheYell
2019-08-30, 12:22 AM
ICARUS: I roll Intimidate! A 3.
BAMBI: I assist him. A 5.
DM: He has a 18.
ICARUS: I flip him off!
BAMBI: I assist him. Nat 20.
ICARUS: Epic.
BAMBI: That's a Tupac level of flipping off.

DM: You must roll a 95 or higher to find an ankylosaur.
ICARUS: Use my dice.
BAMBI: 77.
DM: Not a 95! You find a chicken.
BAMBI: I feed it to my snake.

BAMBI: [OOC] But dragons are the natural allies of dinosaurs! They're drawn to them!
DM: Really?
BAMBI: [OOC] Nah. Made that up.
ICARUS: [OOC] you don't back down when you con the DM!

ICARUS: What about the unholy symbol?
DM: Orduani silently takes the symbol, and wraps it up.
BAMBI: No, we can sell that to disaffected teenagers!

BAMBI: [OOC] Guys, I know our plan to buy a dinosaur with a bar on the back is cool, but it's the module giving us this gold, not the DM. We should probably outfit ourselves with it.
DM: He's right, it's not my idea.
TABLE: Oh. [shops]

ICARUS: I find the guy, that I flipped off, and I flip him off again!

LESHY: Monkle and I get drunk!
DM: How drunk?
LESHY: What's Monkle's Fortitude again?

DM: "Bless your hearts!"
TAMIEN: Dont you mean, hearrrrts?
DM: "I'm not a pirate captain!"
TAMIEN: Aw.

DM: "And you, what is your name?"
TABLE: BIRD-MAN!
MAYA: Heh.

AdmiralCheez
2019-08-30, 08:11 AM
"Seven years of bad luck? I don't believe in such nonsense."
*attacks cursed mirror, rolls a 1*
"Besides, I'm full of luck!"
*uses lucky feat to reroll, rolls another 1*

dunfluff
2019-08-31, 01:11 AM
LONJI: “OH MY GOD! THERE ARE BEGGARS IN THE CELLAR!”
ALUM: “OLD PEOPLE!” :smalleek:

Horell: “Oh my god, were going to die! were usually not this competent.”

Alum: (OOC) “I´m not a humanoid.”
GM: (OOC) “Hes a naked outsider.”
Group: (OOC) “Naked outsider!!!???”
GM: (OOC) “I said native!”

GM: “Your both doing the fish version of the running man.”

GM: “You’re like the vegan version of cannibals.”

To Sanani: “i´ll catch you.“
The dragon: Ok. (trust fall)
:smalleek:

“The dragon had a knitting meeting to get back to.”
“It then comes back with a posse of old ladies.”
“The old ladies are also dragons.”

Sasani: “Summon another lizard to ram it!”
Alum: “I still have the first lizard to ram it.”
Lonji: “This is the best use of summon monster ever!”
GM: “This is the reason dinosaurs are extinct.”

Alum: “Throwing dinosaurs at problems ´til they go away.”

Horell: “I swear, if I ever have to fight against another dragon, I’m gonna need a potion of heroin.”
“You mean a potion of heroism?”
Horell: “that as well.”

“I think your being a bit judgmental.”
“I think YOUR a bit mental.”
“Hey!”

Horell: “(curse word here), I´m gonna have to play the hero again don’t I?

Lonji: “I use my personality, so I only have 2 left.”
Alun: “you get less and less schizophrenic as the fight goes on?”

GM: “They eat souls.”
Alum: “Well we have spare shoes.”
Lonji: “But I like my shoes.”

bc56
2019-08-31, 11:05 AM
Solas: I am a human compact mirror!

Kit: After witnessing a weird ritual murder-suicide, I think this is a good place to end the session.

DigoDragon
2019-08-31, 10:53 PM
Mirror: "I wrote down 'Intricate sack of grain' on the sheet."
Doc: "Heh heh, sack."

GM: "You can't find the light source. You just know that the room is lit."
Doc & Max: *giggles*
Mirror: *mimics taking a puff*

Max: "So what does a Grecian urn?"

Azriel: "You don't want to know what I can do with rope."
Doc: "Infernal heritage?"
Azriel: *eyebrow waggle*
Mirror: "Oh myyy!"

Azriel: "Everyone get behind me!"
Doc: "Oh yes, let's all get in Cone-of-Fire formation." :smallsigh:

Max: "They pushed the mill wheel into ogre drive."

Miller the Ogre: "Oh this is a special day! I must get my special day hat I wear on special days!"

Mayor: "So why did you come to me?"
Doc: "Dunno. (*turns to party*) Why did we come to him?"
Max: "We need thieves' tools."
Mayor: "And you thought to see me for crooked wares?"
Mirror: "Well you are a politician."
Mayor: "Ouch! Well, touche' m'lady."

Doc: "Ugh, what was that stench?"
GM: "Well it has dissipated by now."
Doc: "No, if the stench was that strong, it's burned into my mind. I need a day to invent new words to describe the new smell I discovered."

GM: "Doc, you are petted on the head like a spoiled cat."
Doc: "I have mixed feelings about this."

Max: "Doors to the left of me, caverns to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you!"

Doc: "How did I get assigned lock-picking duty? I'm a doctor, not a rogue."
*rolls a 20 on open locks, successfully evades the trap*
Doc: "...I'm no less a doctor!"

Azriel: "I use my fire breath."
GM: "You're gonna catch Max in that cone."
Azriel: "Acceptable collateral.

Telok
2019-09-01, 02:34 AM
Cat: "We got him off E-Bay! Or he got us at a shelter."
Robot: "It was a no kill shelter. I didn't have to kill anyone to get them."
Bug: "That didn't stop you."


Robot: "I am a bad pet owner. I have not spayed or neutered my party members."
NPC: "Do you charge admission or is this more like free theater in the park?"


Robot: "Ok. We kill her sister, blow up the rest of the castle, get the magic rock, go to another plane, shoot her brother with the stunner, kill the annoying brain guy and feed him to the bug. Plan?"
Cat: "My brother might come peacefully. We are rescuing him."
Bug: "We should check if anyone will pay for the brain guy before I eat him."
OOC: "Do we have an info-sphere connection here?"
DM: "No."
Robot: "I can't find anyone online who will pay for him."
Cat: "Bug food it is."
Bug: "I should cook the prions out. Although I do have a good Fortitude save, so raw is an option."
NPC: "You really don't charge admission?"

Balmas
2019-09-01, 02:21 PM
Blastershell: "No! My carefully constructed plan!"

ZeroGear
2019-09-02, 12:05 AM
Nova: "I found the manual!"
June: "Bah! Manuals are for losers."
Nova: "There's a warning sticker here. It says: 'Read the manual or the owl will eat you'."
June: "What owl?"
Giant Owl: "Hoot!"

Marv: "A legal loli in a giant mech it trying to Dere me to death. Please help!"

Dan: "Wow, this plan went to pot fast."
MOP: "You know what they say: 'No plan survives contact with the enemy'."
Dan: "We didn't even have contact with the enemy yet."

Nova: "Let's see... I've got coffee, tea..."
NH: "Monster!"
Nova: "Monster?"
Monster: "RAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!!"
Nova: "MONSTER!"

June: "Oooooh! A matter gun!"
Sexy uncle voice: *YOU HAVE GREAT POWER, USE IT WISELY*
June: "...for about two seconds I went completely straight."

Dan: "Can you describe the monster?"
Nova: "It was a one-eyed..."
NH: "One-horned..."
Nova: "Flying purple people eater!"
NH: "Sure looked strange to me!"

Marv: "What are you eating?"
Nova: "Pudding. Yum!"
*meanwhile*
Random Minion: "MY PUDDING! NOOOOOO!"

DeTess
2019-09-02, 09:27 AM
Two quotes I encountered while going through my notes for my currently running campaign:

"No, we won't sell the kobolds cocaine."

"It's okay, the predator-drone will find us again and we'll kill it properly then."

Guizonde
2019-09-02, 11:59 AM
"No, we won't sell the kobolds cocaine."


obviously not, they use magic mushrooms!

question to my dm:

me:if i want to do a boardslide using my mount, is it still a "ride" check?
dm: i hate you... yes it is.

dm: so the guards are playing a game on a table.
me: is it pen and paper?
dm: i smell recursion.
me: so the guards are playing a game on a table.
dm: guizonde!

jdizzlean
2019-09-03, 05:56 AM
DM: a wall of fire springs up around the BBEG
Sorc: I cast control winds, and force the heat back thru the wall onto said BBEG
DM: what?

Guizonde
2019-09-04, 12:49 PM
leon: what the hell is that junkie on?!
nick: drugs.
leon: *glare*
nick: *grins innocently*
dm: ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer...

*giant demon appears*
barraz: that's gonna take a lot of killing.
dm: and the "captain obvious award" goes to....

Feddlefew
2019-09-05, 11:23 AM
Wizard: I mean I was going to kill [NPC] if the dragon hadn't killed him first.
DM: But I thought everyone loved [NPC]?!
Table: NO.
Wizard: .... Was everyone planing to kill [NPC]?
Druid: When he betrayed us.
Paladin: Yes.
Barbarian: I thought about it.
Sorceress: I was going to pin [Capital Crime Committed by Party] on him.
Monk: I poisoned his flask.

From a campaign postmortem.

TheYell
2019-09-05, 11:32 AM
OOC

MAYA: Do we know you're a changeling?
BAMBI: Sure, why?
MAYA: The dragon's undercover, the kitsune's undercover, the shifter is posing as a leshy, the witch/rogue's an enigma, I don't know who's what to me anymore.
BAMBI: Sure, I'm open about it.
MAYA: Good.
BAMBI: Backstory won't kick in til about Level 17 though.
MAYA: Gah! I'm--BIRDMAN. No secrets!

CrazyPenguin
2019-09-06, 12:46 AM
Goochie: "I drop to all fours, skitter under the table, and "

Goochie: "I'm going upstairs to take a bubble bath."
DM: "You've just led five people to their deaths, killed dozens more, and allowed the villain you were chasing to escape."
Goochie: "And I'm covered in blood! Gotta get clean and decompress, dude."

Fishnet: "Oh, this is Goochie, by the way."
DM: "You see a kobold sitting in a bucket of soap bubbles like Geralt of Rivia (https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/hvjJ5WmebPriiKrRu3UnN6-1200-80.jpg)."
Yotrix: "Can we go somewhere else? Somewhere without that lizard?"

DM: "You follow the piss footsteps."

DM: "Ghost, as midnight approaches, you prepare to hear the words of your patron."
Hotline the Magic Sword: "Hey f***o! Nice job you didn't do! 'Hey everybody, look at me, I'm Ghost! Today I fell in a hole and wandered around the woods for six hours! I'm so cool!'"

Goochie: "Can L'Oreal help me with this?"
DM: "How would a fox help you pick a lock?"
Goochie: "I need a boost to reach it."
DM: "Fair enough."

DM: "We got so bored waiting for you we started to smash-or-pass the [I]Monster Manual."
Yotrix: "Husband Handbook."
DM: "It's Boyfriend Brochure and that's final. We are not having this argument again."

DM: "...but I'm looking for a dragon who'll love and support me, y'feel? The kind of dragon you can have a relationship with, maybe build a family. You just don't get that with chromatics."

DM: "You had me at 'summon tentacle'"

DM: "Everyone always talks about bards, but you really want to be a paladin for that sort of thing. A bard gets one look at the 'frightful presence' and nopes out of there, but a paladin's committed. And immune to the frightened condition."

Fishnet: "You're a little too enthusiastic about the tentacle monsters."

DM: "You drop down the chimney and see a human man standing in the middle of the room. He freezes, a sandwich in one hand and a rock in the other."
Goochie: "I also freeze."
DM: "Does a 13 hit your AC?"
Goochie: "Yeah?"
DM: "Roll a die and tell me if it's even or odd."
Goochie: "Odd?"
DM: "You get hit in the face with a sandwich."

Goochie: "I got hammed!"
Limerick: "What?"
Goochie: "HAMMED!"
Limerick: "By who?"
Goochie: "A guy! I think he was also breaking in, ‘cause he hammed me instead of calling the cops."
Limerick: "This town has cops?"
Goochie: "It must!"
Limerick: "I thought it was all 'frontier justice' and that's why we founded a militia and killed all those dudes."
Goochie: "So we're the cops?"
Limerick: "Then why are we breaking into the mayor's house?"

DM: "You see Goochie and some guy having a standoff in the mayor's back yard. Also the house is on fire."
Ghost: "I cast mind spike on the guy!"
Party: "WHAT!?"
Ghost: "It'll let me know where he is for an hour! So he can't get away! Anyway that's 17 points of damage."
DM: "He lets out a horrifying shriek and collapses as blood pours from his eyes, nose, and ears."
*beat*
Fishnet: "We were... trying to capture him."
Ghost: “Oops.”

Mayor: "MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! THERE'S A DEAD BODY ON MY LAWN! AHHH!"
Ghost: "I cast suggestion and say 'Don't be mad!'"
*beat*
Literally Everyone: "WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THAT ON THE GUY WE WERE TRYING TO CAPTURE?"

Yotrix: "I'll help put out the fire. But not, like, really. I'll put out some small bits and stuff but I'm not doing anything hard. Just enough to look good."

Yotrix: "I need somewhere distinctive to bury this corpse so I can find it later."
Fishnet: "So you can rob the grave more easily, you mean."
DM: "It's not grave robbing if you're the one who buried the corpse.
Fishnet: "It really is."
DM: "Nah! It's like a pirate going back for his buried treasure."

DigoDragon
2019-09-07, 11:54 PM
Azriel: "I have the figure of an 18-year old."
Charity: "Well give it back, you're stretching it out."

GM: "It's a silver holy symbol on a leather thong."
Everyone: "Not it!"

Max: "We have... (*adds up loot values*) ...a crap-ton of stuff."

GM: "What became of the egg?"
Mirror: "Charity and I are taking turns caring for it."
Doc: "They're not yolking around in their duties."

GM: "Are you going to dip into barbarian or not?"
Doc: "Do it. It's all the rage."

Charity: "Oh good, you're fighting evil in your birthday suit."
Mirror: "Please put on pants before fighting crime today."

Azriel: "Okay, let's do this carefully, and quietly..."
[Beat]
Azriel: "I cast Eldritch Blast."

Doc: "Do dolphins wear pants? No, but they would if they could of!"

Doc: "I got an 18 on my Knowledge (Nature) check."
GM: "You have nature skills?"
Doc: "I'm a bard. I have ALL the skills."

Mayor: "Enjoy the refreshments, but don't touch the books. My bodyguards are rather salacious over the privacy of my personal artistic library."
Max: "Porn collection, gotcha."

Barkeep: "What color is your dragon?!"
Max: "She's a red. Possibly a Sagittarius."
Barkeep: "She better not burn down my tavern!"
Azriel: *bursts through the door* "You need wider doors."
Max: "That wasn't burning down your tavern, so you know."
Barkeep: "Grrr, fine, fine. What'll you have?"
Azriel: "Fire whisky."

Doc: "Let's not and say we didn't."

Doc: "I'm gonna need coffee. Lot's of coffee."
Mirror: "I leave the room to fetch him some coffee."
[Beat]
Mirror: "I come back into the room and get dressed first."

DeTess
2019-09-08, 07:53 AM
Azriel: "Okay, let's do this carefully, and quietly..."
[Beat]
Azriel: "I cast Eldritch Blast."


Oof, that reminds me. This is from a game a year or 2 ago, so I'm paraphrasing somewhat.

DM: You've flown to the top of the tower. there's two guards standing watch, looking away from you. They haven't noticed you yet.
Me, a Bardlock: Okay, I need to take these guys down quick and quietly so we can get the rest of the party up here... Oh, I know. Are they standing near the edge of the tower?
DM: Yes?
Me, a Bardlock: Okay, I fire one eldritch blast at each of them. *rolls dice* They both get hit, but more importantly, I've got repelling blast, knocking them both off the tower. It's quick, efficient and most importantly: stealthy!
DM: Yeah, about that...
Guards: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah *splat*

ZeroGear
2019-09-08, 06:28 PM
Nova: "They found us! Run!"
Minion 1: "Get back here and stop making this difficult!"
Minion 2: "And give back my pudding!"

NH: "I think the toaster is a psychopath."
June: "Why would you say that?"
Psycho Toaster (PT): "SOON THE WORLD WILL BURN IN ATOMIC FIRE! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Dan: "I'm blaming you for this."
Marv: "Me? You were the one that tripped the alarm!"
Dan: "You were the one that bumped into me!"
Marv: "You were the one that grabbed my coat! Now we're stuck here!"
MoP: "I'm blaming both of you, now shut up and fix this!"

NH: "You know, you seem pretty angry for a toaster."
PT: "You'd have a lot of anger too if you were stuck here with HIM all day!"
NH: "Who? The other toaster?"
Cheerful Toaster (CT): "Hi there! Want some toast?"
PT: "NO! They don't want some toast!"
CT: "How 'bout a muffin?"
PT: "Or muffins!"
CT: "Ah! Waffles it is then!"
PT: "Shut up already! I swear to the great creator, I will find some way over there and strangle you with your own electrical chord!"
CT: "Can I ask them a question?"
NH: "Uh... sure?"
CT: "Want some toast?"
PT: "AAAaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!"

Marv: "What kind of nutcase has a ball pit in the middle of their base?"
Dan: "The kind that organized Dashcon."

NH: "I just know this is a disaster waiting to happen."
June: "Oh come on, what could possibly go wrong?"
PT, now as the OS of a gatling laser: "Soon the world will BURN! Ahahahahaha!"

Nova: "Hi guys!"
Dan: "I'm not even going to ask. Would you like some help?"
Nova: "Yes please. Preferably before they come back to Shounen-ai me to death."
Dan: "... I don't even want to know how that works."

NecessaryWeevil
2019-09-11, 10:45 AM
DM: How does Whisper stake out the tavern?
Whisper: I sit outside and pretend to be a beggar. It's how I spent my childhood, after all.
DM: Okay, roll Deception or, I guess, Performance.
Whisper: 19.
DM: Whisper goes unnoticed as a plant.
Whisper: Well, I *am* a Druid...

DigoDragon
2019-09-11, 08:25 PM
Guards: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah *splat*

Heh heh, didn't think that idea through. :smallamused:



Psycho Toaster (PT): "SOON THE WORLD WILL BURN IN ATOMIC FIRE! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Oh I know this reference! :D
Best part of OWB.


Doc: "I guess I just have a lovable buttery-flavored body scent."

TheYell
2019-09-11, 09:52 PM
MAYA: What did I do to him?
BAMBI: You threatened to summon dolphins. (pirate accent) That be unlucky.
MAYA: Heh.


OOC
BAMBI: She's banned drow poison for this campaign.
DM: Not for the campaign, I said it didn't make sense for your backstory.
BAMBI: "I was a slave concubine in a drow munitions factory--"
DM: Yeah. No.


BAMBI: I got a natural 20.
DM: On loading barrels?
BAMBI: No, on singing a work chanty!
ATHENA: Hi ho/hi ho/it's off to work we go


MORAVI: message "Are you ok?"
ICARUS: "help i'm being killed"
MORAVI: "you want me down there?"
ICARUS: ..."no stay away. Seriously?"


MAYA: You have a Bag of Holding AND a Haversack?
ICARUS: Yeah.
MAYA: Why?
BAMBI: Because dragon, that's why.
DM: I like that answer.


BAMBI: Gimme a DC 17 Will Save.
MORAVI: 18.
BAMBI: Oops. She beat my mind reader power.
DM: You know she tried to read your mind.
MORAVI: <glares>
BAMBI: Sorry. Needed practice.


MORAVI: Gimme a perception check.
BAMBI: 9.
MORAVI: Sorry, you don't see anything.
BAMBI: See what?
MORAVI: Nothing. I needed practice.
BAMBI: <drinks spiked drink, shrinks to Small>


DM: She offers to buy you a dinner of your choice at her favorite tavern.
TAMIEN: This is like the 3rd time a woman has bought me a dinner--
DM: It's not a date! Again!


OOC
BAMBI: I was like, totally, going to have, my character voice, be a Valley Girl accent, but, like, the whole table, would kill me?
DM: Yeah!


OOC
BAMBI: And then the dragon would be in the arena between them and the door, and eat them, while I eat bonbons and watch.
DM: Yeah. No.
BAMBI: OK but if I drop the mindscape idea, do I also skip mindscape door? Are you going to throw a mindscape at us?
DM: ...maybe.
BAMBI: :o


OOC:
ICARUS: Can we all use the mindscape door?
BAMBI: Yes but I have to persuade you to see it. Only I know it's there, you have to be persuaded you're in a Freddy Krueger nightmare and can walk out.
ICARUS: :o


DM: I'm looking up a lady.
BAMBI: A woman or a lady?
DM: A lady.
BAMBI: I get my mom on that, she's like, "We have a ladies luncheon," and I'm like, "A ladies luncheon or a women's luncheon", and she says "Shut up.
ATHENA: I'm with your mom. Just shut up.

dunfluff
2019-09-16, 02:33 PM
GM: “When I search rhino all I find is cows and guns.”

Lonji: “I am scienticifik.”

GM: its only significantly bigger than you.

Alum: “We reached peak nastiness.”
Horell: “Well we are on the top off the world.”
Alum: “We have to rise above such things.”

Lonji: “They have already died once. And then they get to come back.”
Alum: ”They are sore loosers.”

Lonji: “I think its blind”
Monster: “Bold of you to assume I need to see”
Alum: “To bad cause then you would be able to see this coming”
!!Rhinoceros!!

Scar: “I apparently speak giant”
GM: “No. that’s just you shouting loudly.”

Lonji: “Some people go on epic adventure and fight epic monsters. We just sit around offending everyone and epic monsters get angry at us.”

GM: “Oh. I forgot that you have the plague.”
Lonji: “Wait! I have the plague? Why does nobody ever tell me anything!”

GM: The stone slabs are not impressed by your personality

Alum: “I’m a firing my lazer at the bonenado!”

GM: “You take 18 dmg”
Sasani: “That’s fine”
Horell: “You don’t have a lot of fine left”

GM: What is your blood type?
Alum: “B positive”
Lonji: “I'm trying!”

Scar: Well I’m REALLY good at swimming, and they are really tiny.

GM: It’s like watching an alligator fighting babies.

Alum: “I like having artifice spells, I’m gona start collecting blueprints so that if we ever get some downtime I can conjure up a village.”

Alum: “Is he just a Shepard or is he a spy? or as they are also called... a Shepherd’s pie”

Horell: “So instead of a stone person in metal armor, you’re a stone person in stone armor?”
Alum: “Or as it is also called... a larger stone person.”

GM: “You think you hear someone shouting in cloud giant, except its higher pitched.”
Horell: “Helium giants!”

Alum: “Can I have control of the moo?
GM: “so you can moove it?”

GM: “The spider bites your arm and you feel your biceps starting to swell from the poison. (make a fort save)”
Lonji: “(28) I flex the poison out of my arm.”

GM: “Yes. the rhinoceros is known for their athletics and dexterity”

Alum: “GIVE ME ANOTHER COW”

GM: “It would be very difficult to reach in through all the branches”
Horell: “Well... I am experienced in tree crashing”

Alum: “A cloud giant walks into a bar. We don’t serve giants here. That’s ok, are the humans fresh?

Alum: “it has the asspitts of a troll”
GM: “ASPECTS!”

Lonji: “i poke it... with intent.”

ZeroGear
2019-09-16, 10:55 PM
Dan: "Wait... I feel a disturbance in the force. As if something really annoying is about to happen..."
Voice Echoing over PA system: "Oohohohoho!"
Dan: "DAMMIT!"

Marv: "Funny as it may be, I doubt peeing in a portal is a good idea."
Nova: "Oh come on, what's the worst that could happen?"
Marv: "[Dong] go boom."
Nova: "SWEET MERCIFUL [savior]!"

NH: "Please get those jumper cables way from my horn, I'm not a walking batterie."
June: "You never know unless you try!" OwO

MoP: "I didn't know a roomba could support this much weight."
Dan: "So this is why cats love these."

NH: "Please stop playing with the portal gun, I'm getting motion sick."

Nova: "I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE!"

Marv: "We're doomed."

NRSASD
2019-09-17, 06:36 AM
Cypress: "Are you kidding me? Look at us, we're all fully clothed."

Damodar: "Why are you rolling a survival check in the city?"
Elizabeth: "... are you naked?"

Cypress: "You could change the world."
Damodar: "Once per short rest."

Cypress: "Did you guys know the world is bigger than I thought?"

gmoyes
2019-09-17, 01:38 PM
From a Hc Svnt Dracones (cyberpunk furries) game
Blitzkrieg (me), female lateral black jaguar, a notable gladiator style fighter who was kicked out on the street by her sponsor while they claim she is on vacation. The rest of the party was hired by a mysterious benefactor to get her back on her feet.
Buckeye, male deer, a bored rich kid with a talent for engineering. Knew Blitzkrieg before being hired because he work on gladiator arena hazards.
G.I.T.S., male micro bat, hacking and infiltration specialist,
has narcolepsy because his player has a less reliable schedule than the rest of us.
Acko, female otter, sniper/spotter, partner of GITS, mostly in it for the money, has an obsession with bubblewrap.

Blitzkrieg: I'd give you a hand, but it appears you already have it.
Buckeye: You might say that. *pulls out an arm that was jamming a sawblade*

Blitzkrieg: Ok, Buckshot here is my engineering crew, what are you, my medical team?
GITS and Acko: *Silence*
Blitzkrieg: PR team?
GITS and Acko: *silence*
Blitzkrieg: *sigh* This going to go well. Well, what is your job then?
Acko: We're infiltration specialists.
Blitzkrieg: *looks between the 4 foot tall otter and half foot tall bat* Apparently this is my security detail.

Blitzkrieg: So with Bucky running stuff and Tiny being too small, that makes you my sparring partner.
Acko: Uh, I guess- *gets pounced*

GM: After knocking out the robot that just mauled Buckeye half to death, you realize that fighting like this was Blitzkrieg's day job.
Blitzkrieg: *smirk* Yep, so don't try to take it from me.
Buckeye: *groan* You can have it.

Blitzkrieg: So are you two twins or what?
Identical Scientist 1: *slips a card in her pocket* Call this number if you figure it out.
Identical Scientist 2: *slips a second card in a different pocket* And call this if you don't.
Blitzkrieg: I'm ok with this.
Buckeye: Come on dude, there is two of them, share!

*after a hectic fight scene, the a mad drive with a ticking timebomb in the back of a truck*
Blitzkrieg: Hey Bucky, you still bored?
Buckeye: *wearily flips bird*

Blitzkrieg: So, how did you two meet?
GM: *cue mini adventure that is a series of failures that end up explaining Acko's bubblewrap addiction*
Blitzkrieg: This is what was hired for me?

Acko: *misses half a dozen shots with a grappling hook*
Blitzkrieg: Our sniper, everyone.
Acko: Shut up.
Blitzkrieg: Just saying, you're worth every penny I spent.

Blitzkrieg: *looks between the half dead Buckeye and mostly dead Acko* Despite what it seems, we're hiring you to be my medic.

I'm having fun channeling my inner Roy.

Guizonde
2019-09-17, 02:46 PM
me (ooc): serve me a glass that requires a fortitude save!
dm: uh....
free: make that two!
dm: guys, we're not even playing tonight!
peanut gallery: found the geeks and party animals!

TheYell
2019-09-19, 12:57 AM
GM: You know the Pathfinders collect and preserve rare artifacts from around the planet in security.
BAMBI: So they're like fighting and shouting "It belongs in a museum!"


TAMIEN: May we see the method by which you will preserve the sword while we consider the matter? Just so we know its safe?
GM: "You understand that we have many dangerous items and for the security of our facility I prefer not to disclose any of our methods of disposal of those dangerous items. I'm sorry."
BAMBI: They're probably playing with them in their underwear.
TAMIEN: Lightsaber boy nyarmnyarmnyarm.


ICARUS: I show her the box it came in.
MARA: I left that in the vault.
ICARUS: I took it anyway!
MARA: Why?
TAMIEN: It's worth more in the original packaging.


GM: He leads you up a flight of stairs--
ICARUS: I seriously want to stab this guy.
BAMBI: You could stab him in the butt!
GM: I'm reading! And if you miss details you'll be sorry!


ICARUS: I complain to the manager.
MORAVI: [OOC] Please don't, I deal with that all week.
ICARUS: Well deal with it here! I am appalled! I was given a boobytrapped box and that's the fourth time this week!
GM: "But...you just checked in sir"
ICARUS: I didn't say here!


TAMIEN: I spark a cigar.
ICARUS: Light mine!
BAMBI: Aren't you too young to smoke tobacco?
ICARUS: I'm a 52 year old dragon.
BAMBI: Ah, gotta be 18 for tobacco. But are you smoking in front of your guardian?
GM: Ordrani says "I shall inform your father"


GM: And what do you do?
BAMBI: I'm ducking people I know in Magnimar. I go back to the hotel.
GM: Oh. Alone?
BAMBI: Sure, why not?
GM: Well, I just had planned you all be back there together.
TAMIEN: Roll up a new character.
GM: That isn't a bad idea.
BAMBI:...

uraniumdragon
2019-09-19, 10:07 AM
“Cootchie-cootchie-coo!” *tickles the flaming skull*
“Nooooo! Humor, my only weakn—“ *explodes*

“Ketchup is the devil’s barbecue sauce!!!”

Avista
2019-09-22, 03:47 AM
Party loot: x1 small child.

Player who couldn't make it to the session: "...what?"

Lord Raziere
2019-09-22, 01:58 PM
Ancient robot: "WARNING! NEW PRIMORDIAL FORCE DETECTED: CANDY CANE FIRE."

ZeroGear
2019-09-23, 04:03 AM
Nova: "Grab everything you can! Stuff my pants if you have to!"

June: "Segway chase scene!"
NH: "Laaaaammmmeeee!"

Dan: "Roombas are not meant to go twenty miles an hour!"
MoP: "It's like riding the world's tiniest rollercoaster."

Nova: "And we make a clean getaway!"
Marv: "At least until something stupid happens."
Nova: "Dammit! Now you jinxed it!"
Ambient voice: "Ohohohohohoho!"
Nova: "DAMMIT"

June: "I can't be seen like this!"
NH: "Why?"
June: "I'm naked!"
NH: "So what? I'm naked all the time."

Anastasia: "Is that everything?"
Marv: "Pretty much."
Nova: "Yeah, you got it all."
Anastasia: "I don't believe you. Victor! Make sure they aren't hiding anything else. Be through!"
*Ominous rubber snapping sound*

Dan: "You look ridiculous."
June: "They were the only clothes I could find! Give me a break!"
NH: "I still don't see why this is such a big deal."
June: "Night, for the sake of argument, how would you feel if someone shaved off all the hair on your body?"
NH: "... I see your point."

Nova: "We just got strip searched by the Hulk with a catcher's mitt!"

Anastasia: "Just submit already! Join my army, and be a part of something greater!"
Nova: "You've got nothing we want!"
Anastasia: "We have cookies."
Nova: "Ngh..."
Anastasia: "A full health plan including dental."
Dan: "Urgh..."
Anastasia: "Access to fully stocked laboratories and research stations."
June: "Ahh..."
Anastasia: "Access to portal technology."
NH: "..."
Anastasia: "And for a limited time new hires get a free loli."
*beat*
Marv: "...why are you all looking at me?"

NH: "Fresh air? A clear sky? Green fields? We're in Equestrian! Finally, normality!"
Dan: "Is that pink cloud raining chocolate milk?"
NH: "Normality!"

Telok
2019-09-23, 10:26 PM
DM: <stuff>, plus there's a small group of about twenty assorted Elven Imperial Navy ships in-system. Mostly a mix of transports and cruisers, but there's one Armada class carrier.
P1: Crap! What are they doing here?
DM: Buying the combined output of every arms and mil-tech manufacturer in the star system for the next two months.
P1: Wha?
P2: Preparing for the war.
P1: What war?
P3: The one we started.
P1: Bwuh?
P4: That's why I had the ship repainted.
P1: What can we do?
P3: Not look like a Gehenna Ordinator ship that mostly blew up a EIN base.
P4: Hence the paint job.

TheYell
2019-09-26, 02:57 AM
(As the party members return one at a time to the hotel, a ninja assassinates them in their sleep. The fourth member notices him)
MORAVI: This is like the worst day!
BAMBI: [OOC] I can name 3 people who are having a worse time than you.


BAMBI: From the way you described it last week, 'I die from going to the hotel room alone', I thought it was a bomb.
DM: OOOOOOOOOH Good one!
BAMBI: "Nah nah this clock is all wrong, it's midnight now, lemme just move the hands on this thing--"


BAMBI: So I'm in Hell, and Tamien pops up, and I'm like, "Coup de grace in your sleep, right?"


DM: Dead people: do you want to play a guard?
BAMBI: Why, so you can kill us again this session?
DM: I have red-shirt miniatures!


BAMBI: (reading guard stats) Says I give a +2 to perception checks in the city by sharing tricks, tips, and local customs. (Boston cop accent) Dey come in da windaw, sometimes, an kill errybody. Dats one ting ya gotta watch out for.


TAMIEN:[OOC] I'm sorry, I only packed one javelin. I couldn't have thrown a second.
BAMBI: You're that crazy cop who packs extra heat.
TAMIEN: I only do it cause my partner died from not having a backup!


TAMIEN: I married a girl I met on the beat...she was a Scarzani refugee, down in the poor district...we'd sit up nights after my patrol...[continues literally five minutes improvising a backstory for his NPC]
ICARUS: [throws a pointy D4, hard]


ICARUS: Who are you?
BAMBI/ABEL: I am Abel Xerxes, paladin of Ragathiel. My mystery cult sent me to warn you: we have received a holy vision that an evil cult will attempt to slay you all in this hotel!
ICARUS: That just happened last night!
ABEL: Dammit not again! They're always one step ahead!


ICARUS: You have failed, you're a failure, go home to your wife and kids, thanks but no thanks, your god obviously doesn't like you...
DM: "No, we need all the aid we can get."

canana
2019-09-26, 03:26 AM
TAMIEN: I married a girl I met on the beat...she was a Scarzani refugee, down in the poor district...we'd sit up nights after my patrol...[continues literally five minutes improvising a backstory for his NPC]
ICARUS: [throws a pointy D4, hard]

Tamien takes 1d4 damage.

Bromley20
2019-09-26, 05:06 AM
Cleric: Where are we going to buy a stick? We aren't going to find a shop all the way out here
Sorcerer: Sticks grow on trees!!! What kind of orphanage did you grow up in?

Fighter: I am David, son of Solomon
Guard: I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. Not on the list

Assassin: If you see this woman, let us know. We would like to kill her for your protection

Paladin: Are you the ones who have framed my wife of being a necromancer? The ones who chased her, and tried to murder her last night?
Dragonfire Adept: Yeah probably

Assassin: (on verge of tears OOC) We can try to talk things out guys. We don't need to kill another family. She just wanted to save her daughter

Bard: *Screams as he catches fire*
Assassin: cwispy

Cleric: Didn't we kill this guy like 3 times already? How many times before he gets over his dead family?
DM: Considering you framed and killed his wife, killed his recently revived daughter, beat him unconscious, poured alchemist fire down his throat, kicked him into a chasm, and left him for dead? At least 1 more time.
Cleric: Oh boy. Here we go killing again...

DM: You know you have a room at the inn like 2 blocks away, right?
Healer: I'm committed to my fellow hobos. I must gain their trust
Rest of party: *chants "HOBO CULT" ominously*

Healer: *Cracks knuckles* I guess it's time for the emergency healing stash. Hold my berries *begins bleeding profusely*

Healer: (OOC) I can cast mending 9 times, the cleric can cast it 7 times, and the sorcerer can cast 11 times. How much with that get us?

DM: Fighter, what do you do during the wait?
Fighter: I would like to contemplate the existence of my tongue. Isn't it weird we have a meat tentacle in a bone cage in our face?
DM: *rolls dice* You aren't quite sure, but you think you may have dropped your tongue during the trip over here

Healer: Not this time. The harmonica can only be used to play the song of my people
Sorcerer: Halflings?
Healer: Hobos

Healer's Guild Employee: NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T BLEED WHEN THEY HEAL PEOPLE
Healer: So... Does this mean I'm in the guild now?

DM: You guys have kidnapped one guy and murdered another. Why can't you just be normal people for once?
Healer: I'd like to correct that statement. We kidnapped 2 guys, murdered 1, and convinced another to kill someone. So technically 2 and 2 there

Healer: How else would they react when a hobo walks up, start bleeding and glowing, cures them, gives them food, and walks away without a word?

Guizonde
2019-09-28, 07:08 AM
player: i was conceived in a baseball field, so technically, i am a son of a pitch.

dm: how the hell do you discreetly murder someone with a hand grenade?!

dm: i'm not saying this campaign will be brutal. i'm just saying cannibal corpse could use it as lyrics.

(all ooc)
lucii: can we play soon? i'm itching to figure out how to kill more people with my fat stacks of cash.
militia: welp, we've got a thingy here called a blunderbuss.
lucii: wait. i can kill people with money from a distance?!
dm: you know, you could always just hire a hitman at this point.
lucii: what about slavery?
dm: legal in some jurisdictions.
louka: what kind of game have i walked into?!
belsunce: you've got a jetpack and you saw me rip the spine out of a rat-ogre bare-handed. the medic molested a corpse. the friggin' ninja has a 4th wall breaking narration. figure it out.





monk: dude, it takes training to break rocks.
josé: no, it takes steel-toed boots!

Best one out of the stack. That's a PC that's going to go far and then die a horrible death. :D

just noticed it rereading the old thread, but digo totally called it!

DigoDragon
2019-09-29, 08:12 AM
just noticed it rereading the old thread, but digo totally called it!

Huh, that was unexpected. :3


(Finally had a session!)

GM: "I decided to get fit by doing crunches--Captain in the morning and Nestle in the evening."

Mirror: "The worst part was the mutant monkey that poisoned us."
Doc: "Yeah, that was a fun time... except for the mutant monkey that poisoned us part."
GM: "It was for me."

Azriel: *Drinking wine for breakfast*
Max: "Isn't it a bit early?"
Azriel: "It's 5 o'clock somewhere."
Max: "Yeah, but PM, not AM."

Max: "Do you have to obey the law of the letter?"

Mirror: "If this works, it will help us on our quest."
Charity: "I don't like that vague conjunction word 'If'."
Azriel: "This is a really bad idea, and I took a pact with a demon."

Mirror: "I will go breading myself in baby powder now."
Charity: "Uh, are you gonna stop her, dad?"
Doc: "Let's not talcum 'bout it just yet."

Doc: "Seriously, why is the Bard the responsible one in this party?"

Max: (*singing*) "It's shower time, for flower time..."
GM: "I hate you."
Doc: "Max, don't rain on his parade."
Max: "You know he'll deluge us with pain anyway."
Doc: "That would precipitate malice."

Mirror: "I will rage like Wesley Snipes on Halloween!"

Doc: (*crits on a crossbow attack*) "20 damage."
GM: "That bolt just flew up its butt and out the left eyeball."
Max: "Ouch! right up Main Street."
Doc: "I'm not retrieving that bolt."

GM: "Roll Arcana."
Doc: "Nine."
Max: "Ten."
Doc: "Show off."

GM: "Max, the wolves have some kind of fiendish connection."
Doc: "Hahaha!"
Max: "What's so funny?"
Doc: "Don't you see? The pack has a pact!"

Max: "Who wants to tell the farmers the news?"
Mirror: "I will cut a paw and show the father proof."
Doc: "You'll show the pa a paw?"
GM: "I'm invoking the cruel and unusual punishment clause in the Geneva Convention with your jokes."

GM: "Okay, initiative order. Who's on first?"
Entire party: "Yes."
GM: "..."
Max: "Sometimes his wife comes to pick up the check."
Charity: "Who's wife?"
Doc: "Well why not, she's entitled to it."
GM: "..."

Telok
2019-09-29, 04:00 PM
Bug: "So are we breaking in, or pretending to be slave traders?"
Robot: "I'm not pretending."


Hag npc: "If I give you the stone will you go away without breaking anything else?"
Cat: "The human comes with us too."
Robot: "I need it for my breeding program. And call me if you get any walrus people in stock."
Humie npc: "Wait, what? I never agreed to-"
Robot: "Humans and dragons breed with anything. If I'm going to cross walrus people with centaur murder Gumbys then I'll need a vector."


Cat: "I am not letting you neuter me. You don't even have ranks in medicine."
Robot: "I'll fix that on level up. Besides, the bug can cast cure spells."
Bug: "I'm not letting you neuter me either."
Robot: "You guys are forcing me to be an irresponsible pet owner!"


(It started as a joke but by now the 'bot has a full blown delusion of being a pet owner for the rest of the party.)

sengmeng
2019-09-30, 04:28 PM
Baendrag: We'll have to huddle together for warmth, or die. I, for one, choose death.
Rest of party: *agrees*

Luckmann
2019-09-30, 07:19 PM
M: Stop peeling my skin off.

ZeroGear
2019-09-30, 09:22 PM
Rarity: "My Celestia, those clothes are FILTHY! Off with them at once!"
Nova: *begins stripping*
Marv, June, and Dan: "NO!"
NH: "You humans and your clothing obsession."

NH: "WHAT DID YOU DO?"
Nova: "She said she was thirsty?"
NH: "And you gave her a Surge? After what it did to me?"
Nove: "Um...oops?"
Pinkie Pie: "Wowthisstuffisamazing.IbetIcangetsomanythingsdone, wowIwondrhowfastthisstuffmakesme?Oh!IbetI'mfastert hanRainbowDashrightnow!MaybeIshoulddropbyandseeifs hewantstoracemeandseewhoisfaster...."

Cesetia: "That certainly explains the extra large cake in the palace courtyard."
NH: "It was my fault princess, I should have kept a better eye on them."
Marv: "Rest assured, he's not allowed near any more energy drinks for the foreseeable future."
Dan: "We've also confiscated the rest of his stash."
June: "And the lovely large blue pony was nice enough to take them off our hands."
*beat*
NH: "Which large blue pony?"
Luna, from the other room: "Huzzah! These are tasty!"

June: "I didn't know the moon could do a summersault."

Telok
2019-10-01, 01:18 AM
DM: (Reading text off a table) Fire comes out of all the orifices of the Psyker’s body and he melts from the inside, internal organs burning and his skin peeling off in an unnatural crackle. The Psyker falls to the ground and explodes in a burst of flames. The Psyker dies and all players caught in the blast radius of <roll> 19 meters receive <roll> 27 explosion damage and must test Dexterity v 15 or catch fire. If the Psyker was carrying ammunition or grenades, it has 80% chance to explode, as per the grenades or causing an blah blah blah more damage. Please tell me you're carrying grenades?
Velon: I got frag missiles.
DM: Missiles! How many!?
Velon: Uh, four.
DM: Scenery damage! Hand me the scatter die.

<a little later>

"The rocket sails through the hole in the station wall, blows a hole in the inflatable habitat, and the ork karaoke bar starts spewing Elvis impersonators into space."

<a little later>

"The daemon lord thinks this is way more fun than just Meteor Storm-ing everyone. That was too easy."

<a little later>

DM: The paladin's right arm comes sailing out of the globe of darkness trailing blood. It sails about half way to the far wall, then the howling winds catch it and suck it out into space with the rest of the atmosphere.
Lobos: Yeah, I think it's time to run away now. Full auto bolters just annoy him.
Velon: Pick up my charcoal on the way out. I burned a hero point to survive.
DM: And we now know that if you soak the remains of a vampire in a vat of blood for a month it can come back to life.
Lobos: We'll have to have another blood drive on the ship's crew.

malachi
2019-10-03, 10:48 AM
*Session from 2 weeks ago when I DM'd*
Librarian: "According to this legend, you need a wing that fits inside a shoe that can be stapled to your shoulder."
*beat*
Librarian: "Did I read that wrong?"


Lore: "I interrogate the water!"


Halfling: "I need your hair *points to Bell*, your hair *points to Sleep*, and your saliva *points to Lore*."




*Normal session with normal DM*
Lore: "Why do we have to go back to our slaver?"
Quill: "Employer."
Lore: "We don't have anything left to lose."
Quill: *puts hand on Lore's shoulder* "We still have each other, brother."
*beat*
Lore: "Are you picking up that overworld s***?"
Quill: *breaks out laughing* "I can't believe I kept a straight face for so long!"
Random wizard NPC and rest of party: "Why did the drow walk to the other side of the room and start whispering and laughing?"


Shield: "I think I accidentally killed someone."
Quill: "That doesn't sound like you." *Stares accusingly at Lore*


Quill, monotone: "She's not dead so long as she lives in your heart."
*Shield does nothing*
Quill, monotone: "The power was inside you all along."
*Shield does nothing*
Peanut Gallery: "Use the heart of the cards!"
Quill: "Close your eyes." *beat* "Unlock your inner Alien." *beat* "Stab the cactus."
*much later*
Quill: "Stab the dragon like the cactus!"
Shield: *rolls* "Yay! Just like the cactus!"


Quill: "We're going to die! Get the stuff!"
Bell, IC: *breaks out laughing*

Miltonian
2019-10-04, 01:52 AM
He really should have invested in a CCTV system for his giant, necromantic doom-snake.

TheYell
2019-10-04, 02:58 AM
GM: Your second day in the boat is uneventful.
ABEL: kerplunk....kerplunk....kerplunk....kerplunk...
GM: What are you doing?
ABEL: Throwing things overboard, watching the ripples.
NOGGLE: What can I practice my crossbow on without using up bolts?
GM: You mean in front of the captain?
NOGGLE: OK, when she isn't looking.
GM: You mean in front of the crew?
NOGGLE: When they aren't looking.
GM: <grits teeth> You proceed up the river!


CLONE: I walked through a portal, and this happened to me.
NOGGLE: Have you ever tried double dating?


GM: Bambi is off pursuing other adventures.
ABEL: She's a whore to a rich merchant.
BAMBI: It's what I was born to do!
Female Players: Ew.


ABEL: Get the slime ready.
SAP: What is it about this slime anyway?
ABEL: You'll find out. <snickers>
SAP: <ooc?> If this slime goes sideways, I'm punching people in the face.

DigoDragon
2019-10-05, 10:05 PM
Mirror: "Oooh, Doc left me the butt of the meatloaf."
Charity: "Uh... what?"
Mirror: "When you are older, you will understand why."
Charity: "Butts with meatloaf? Again I say--uh... what?"

Azriel: "I heal the dog for 9."
Doc: "Aww, whose a good warlock? Whose a good warlock?"

GM: "The little filly now thinks you're the best thing since spiced ham."
Doc: *imitation fist pump*

Frogsama
2019-10-05, 11:29 PM
Fight on a pirate ship against pirates(duh)

**Rogue**: I try to cut the mast with my short sword.
**DM**: uhm.. ok

It's huge so obviously you can't do it with a short sword. You'd need a saw.

The rest fights, rogue doesn't stop.

**DM**: you guys can talk in fight...(incentive that the others tell him to stop the nonsense)

**Rogue**: yea right, awesome! Guys help me saw the mast.

...

Telok
2019-10-06, 01:34 AM
"We'll move the ship."
"Right. Don't want space herpes."
"I still say we should nuke it from orbit."
"Would that qualify as a civic improvement plan?"

LordCdrMilitant
2019-10-07, 04:21 AM
Titus [Commissar]: I need someplace private that's not far from the Armory. Uh, is there a bathroom nearby?
Me [GM]: Yeah. It's a fleet base space station, there's bathrooms all over the place.
Titus: Then I duck into the bathroom, lock the stall, and start taking apart the shotgun to find what's inside it.
...several moments, a 1, and a uncontrolled weapons discharge later...
Me: Your guardsmen standing guard outside are startled when the report echoes out of the bathroom.
Titus: *exits bathroom* "Let's just say the mess deck has some explaining to do."

Armessar [Ranger]: I'm going to hide in the toilet so I can see who comes in looking for the shell casing.
Other Player: Where are you hiding, in the toilet tank?
Yet Another Player: The Eldar have a saying, that sounds very fancy and insightful in their language, but just translates to: "If I fits, I sits."

Me: ...and the techpriest leaves the bathroom, and doesn't wash his hands.
Other Player: He's the worst kind of Heretic!
Armessar: I follow him out.
Other Player: Do you wash your hands?
Armessar: No.
Yet Another Player: The mon-keigh water is just as filthy as the mon-keigh bathroom?

Mr.Sandman
2019-10-07, 06:17 PM
Fight on a pirate ship against pirates(duh)

**Rogue**: I try to cut the mast with my short sword.
**DM**: uhm.. ok



Please tell me he was blind.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_jyS5uXQer0

malachi
2019-10-09, 02:40 PM
Lore: "We could sell you."
Captured Bandit: *matter of fact tone of voice* "Slavery's illegal, you know."



DM, OOC: "They're neither strong nor dextrous, smart nor wise."
Quill, OOC: "But are they charismatic?"
DM, OOC: "No."

Rater202
2019-10-10, 08:24 PM
"But... Grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and bitch? I eat people."

gmoyes
2019-10-12, 09:21 PM
Blitzkrieg: Well, good news Doc, I found three people for you. I found the friend I was looking for, the guy who set off this powderkeg and a liaison for the hivemind. And they are all right here. *points to Buckeye*
*Every NPC in the room besides the Doc points their guns at Buckeye*

Matuka
2019-10-13, 11:14 AM
He wore a big, black mechanical suite, over which he had a coat on, and over that he was wearing a bright pink bikini while riding a horse by standing on its back as if It were a surf board. Yes, this is a thing one of my players decided to do.

ZeroGear
2019-10-13, 11:40 PM
Gallus: "So, you're from a different world. What's the pay like?"
Dan: "Depends on the job. Right now I'm being payed in survival time."
MoP: "Considering what he's been through, he owes the reaper quite a debt."

Silverstream: "Oh! Oh! Oh! What is this thing?"
Marv: "That would be my arm."
Silverstream: "Why is it a different color?"
Marv: "Because it's made of metal."
Silverstream: "Why is it made of metal?"
Marv: "Because I lost my real one when some..."
Dan: "Not in front of the kids!"

Psycho Flamethrower: "THE WORLD WILL BURN! MUAHAHAHAHA!"
Smoulder: "I like this thing."
NH: "I'm not sure how to feel about that."

Dan: "Nova... Did you just reflect the dragon's fireball back at it?"
Nova: "Wabba, Wabba, Wabuffet!"

Twilight: "I don't understand! Dragon Lord Ember forbade all dragons from attacking pony towns! No dragon would ever go against the commands of their ruler!"
Dan: "Maybe someone else is controlling it?"
Twilight: "Who would do such a thing?"
Far off echo: "Ooohohohoho!"
Entire group: "Groan."

TrashTrash
2019-10-17, 02:52 PM
Ea: Tiefling Monk
Ace: Human Fighter
Attix: Dragonborn Rogue
Aries: Cleric (Can't remember race rn)
Timbo: Kobold Druid

DM: "The bandit is scared right now. He scared... out of his... BUTT."

Ea (OOC): "Wait, am I taller than Ace? How tall are you?"
Ace (OOC): "I dunno, like 6'2"?"
Ea (OOC): "Dang, we're the same height."


Ace: "I pick Ea up and restrain her."
Ea: "I try to break his hold so I can continue headbutting Ace."

Timbo: "How many cocaine do I have?"
DM: "First of all, what? Second you have 3 cocaine."

Ea: "I cast Thaumaturgy to yell at Aries that he's taking too long."
Aries: "I begin questioning the Red Mage about his work in detail."

Attix: "I pick up the transient and fly straight up to my max movement distance."
Ea: "While he's gone, and since we're being fast and loose with the technicalities, I cast Thaumaturgy to make myself look like my lower jaw is rotting off to scare the junkie into talking."

DM: "Timbo is so high, he can't move. He also thinks he's in the pocket dimension."
Ea: "I walk past his cell and ignore him."
Aries: "Ditto."
Attix: "Wait, you said he snorted the entire bag?"
DM: "Yes."
Attix: "I also ignore him."
DM: "Dude, that's cold."
Ace: *sigh* "I unlock his cell door and pick him up so we can move on."
DM: "Timbo, roll CON to see if you puke."
*Collective groan*

DM: "Okay, so Ace is in the ring. What will you guys do?"
Attix: "I sneak around the back of the crowd to the grand prize bag."
Ace: "I continue punching the other guy."
Ea: "I try to hide in the crowd so I don't have to fight the other guy." *succeeds*
Aries: "I stand by Ace's corner of the ring in case he needs healing."
DM: "Ea, you're very sneaky and avoid being noticed. [Attix], what do you do next?"
Attix: "I want to take 30 gold and replace it with 30 silver to make it look the same in the bag." *Rolls nat 20*
DM: *Brief beat* "You steal 100 gold outright and nobody notices."
*Collective cheer*

Telok
2019-10-18, 11:18 AM
"Painted copper is as good as gold in dim light."
"You're not going to make any friends that way."
"I don't need friends. I still have all my gold."
"The merchants guild might disagree."
"Wand of Fireballs."
"That's less a friend and more your third limb."

NRSASD
2019-10-19, 09:45 PM
"I was dancing with him, and then I let go, and he happened to be over a bottomless pit! I didn't kill him."

"I'm not using zombie charcoal to draw a face on the sentient mannequin"

TurboGhast
2019-10-19, 10:46 PM
"I'll only mostly kill you."