View Full Version : Gamer Tales Funny D&D Stories The Tournament Arc

2019-08-06, 09:35 AM
In the immortal words of fraud,

His classic thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=88960) lasted almost four years, but as his last post was three months after starting it, I'm not worried he'll be upset about my starting the sequel.

So tell your funny stories! Mostly they're going to be D&D, but, really, any tabletop RPG is just fine.

Just a couple words of advice from experience:
It's always nice if you give the characters names, or refer to them by their roles. It's difficult to read "Then K attacked the mayor but P backstabbed K with L's cursed dagger that he stole in R's house" and have to constantly refer to the key at the top.
It would be really sad if people skipped your story because it looked too long. Perhaps not all of the subplots going on really contribute to the humor?
Maybe your story really does have to be long to get the full humor across. If so, paragraph breaks are your best friends.
Don't badmouth other forum members. A similar thread got locked for that, which was a great shame.
Rouge is a type of makeup.
Have fun!

Because I'm a monster here is the very first post of the last edition of this wonderful stream.

Along with a story from a Supers game.

Its not Super funny but well.
Uncle Sam spends most of the session flying around on his giant eagle getting into a chase with a guy who can outpace the all american hero but despite it all he won't give up not even as the party fight a monster, try and chase down a speedster and more.
So throughout the session its a duel between Uncle Sam and this random super guy who is faster then him and stronger and just well better(a good 100 points more in Wild Talents)
But in spite of all of this and even well the party are dealing with a full on terrorist attack by people with powers and more Uncle Sam continues the valiant chase.

So what horrible crime did this guy do? He ran past American ships going out to do a training exercise not through, not across, but past and around. But no this was a capital offense and Uncle Sam was determined to stop him for committing a crime in international waters...

Yes he knew all of this and yes he still wasted his time doing it its one of those what the heck was the player thinking funny moments.
Heck the guy he was chasing would loop past the party hoping Uncle Sam would help them and leave him alone.

2019-08-07, 02:20 PM
Well been a while since I've put up one of my group's misadventures but here we go.

We were playing 5e. So the party at the time was 3 people (A few players were late)
Dracath the Dragonborn Sorcerer/Fighter
Eradan the Mutant Bloodhunter
and finally the Kilhazar Dragonborn Zelot Barbarian

The party entirely consisting of Chaotic Neutral alignment had to get into a city district with powerful wards preventing people of chaotic alignment of getting through they went in search of a way to get them in. One large scale city fire, a traumatized group of Myconoids and using crazy Death Cleric to resurrect Dracath later they found a Minotaur Bard named Bill who claimed they could get them in. Trying to get on his good side in hopes of a discount they started to get him drinks and this lead about as well as you could expect...they got him drunk. Bill then told them that he would use Mass Polymorph to get them in through a small crack in the wall that the wards did not cover so soon the party was turned into a Fly, a Mouse and a Goldfish... to get Dracath the Goldfish through the crack Kilhazar the mouse and Eradan the Mouse had to put all of their adventuring skills and cunning to the fore and promptly rammed him into the gap and took advantage of the squeezing rules to move him through the crack at half speed and hoped he wouldn't die in the wall. A few very lucky strength checks on the Mouse's part got them through just in time. Bit of a disappointing ending but I still laugh at the idea of a mouse and fly ramming a fish into a wall especially when they could have waited a bit for Bill to sober up a bit and cast the spell again in a few minutes.

2019-08-07, 09:59 PM
So i got a collection of what the heck short funny stories i will give context for each if asked

Party Leader : I wish my sister and i could have a child without any incest complications
Genie : Wait seriously right well here you go
Party Leader : *Blinks*, Wait why am i a chick and pregnant
Genie : Peace out. *Teleports away*

Party Finds Slavery ring.
Party : Ok we cleared out the spider
Clockwork PC : EEKKK A SPIDER! *Sets fire to the building*
Half the Party gets arrested for burning down a building within the city.

Clockwork PC : I saw a spider.
Mechanic PC : Why did you not use your flamethrower on the giant ape monster!!

2019-08-08, 10:22 AM
We were playing Pathfinder 2nd edition at GenCon. Part of the premise is that you play a Pathfinder - a member of an adventuring organization. Another premise is that you recruit for the pathfinders. Well we came across a primitive flash golem, and we are all like "either off to the orphanage with you, or welcome to the pathfinders!" We were sure that the flesh golem could at least mop and polish the floors.

2019-08-26, 05:34 PM
The level 8 party, with some very very bad luck then some very very good luck, managed to confront the two BBEG's of the campaign, who were CR 20 and 13, then barely escape. The party then head back to their tavern, most of them hoping to rest up for the night The monk has different plans however and uses a magic item to contact the BBEG, telling him exactly where they were and asking to meet him at the tavern. And so, naturally, the villains set an ambush, sending in an illusion to distract the party while the villains hid in the second floor of the tavern. Upon seeing the illusion, the party mistook it for the BBEG, and cast their buffs, with the bard polymorphing into a T-rex in the middle of the tavern. His head smashed through the bottom of the second floor, which sent two very surprised villains crashing to the ground next to the very surprised party.

2019-09-13, 03:50 PM
So I've been meaning to post in one of these threads for literally years now, but never got around to it. Our campaign has run for a number of years, so we've had our fair share of moments. I always joke with the group that I wrote the world pre-broken. So when they break it further, it's always a fun surprise. We play a ridiculously home-brewed version of 3.5, and if one of my players can justify something, I'll let them run with it.

So this story was relatively early in the campaign. We would gain and lose party members over time after this, but at this point we had the original cast still.

Ashelon Hob - a half-orc bard with a flair for the dramatic and a knack for making treasure out of anything and everything. The story started with him getting arrested upon entering town for racist reasons and brought before the magistrate because they thought he was the leader of local bandits.

Lidia Smalls - a human rogue. Her original character concept was best described as 'kinky lesbian robin hood', but it grew way beyond that. A local folk hero, Ash met her in the local jail playing cards through the bars with the guards. They were taking bets when she would escape that week.

Sir Benjamin Moore - DM PC. An un-optimized human knight. Wielded a greatsword. He had pledged his help to the duke, and tried to bring along Ash as his troubadour to sing songs of his great deeds. Didn't work out that way...

This was the halfway point of their first adventure. The local Duke was beset by bandits and thugs, hired (they thought) by a rival noble trying to muscle in on his lands. The bandits had kidnapped the Duke's daughter, but had yet to deliver a ransom demand. The Duke asked the heroes (mainly the knight at first, but that didn't last) to rescue his daughter and stop the bandits.
So by now, the heroes had fought a few encounters with the bandits and some local monsters, and had traced a bandit raiding party back to their outpost. They were going in to confront the half-orc sorcerer they thought was the bandit leader. In reality, it was a bit of a bait and switch, with him as the second in command to the real bandit leader, an orc warlord in control of a large bandit fortress elsewhere. So the heroes made short work of the gnolls guarding the entrance to the cave, and they snuck into the lair. Finding a wooden door in the wall of the cave, i expected them to carefully listen and plan their next move... Nope. Ash walks up and slams the door open with no warning. Inside are over a dozen bandits, a mix of orcs and goblins cleaning weapons and playing cards. They're sitting apart from each other grouped by race, and they all look up when the door opens.
Ash, thinking fast, points vaguely into the room and shouts 'Get 'im!'. Rolls bluff. He had already been mistaken for the villain once, and the bandits were stupid, so I gave him a bonus to his bluff. Nat 20.
The two groups of bandits, already on edge and disliking each other, jumped up and started attacking each other. Normally, they would have only been confuse for a few moments before logic reasserted itself. However, they already hated each other, and the moment blood was drawn all hopes of peaceful resolution went out the window. At this point, I'm expecting the heroes to attack while the bandits are distracted... Nope. The players mime passing popcorn back and forth, and just watch things unfold. Ash readies his longbow just in case while Liddy watches. The knight is standing behind them confused. So at this point, I'm rolling listen checks every round to see if the bandit sorcerer, sitting in the next room, hears the commotion and comes to investigate. Takes 4 rounds for him to notice, at which point over half the bandits are dead and the rest aren't doing so great. At the point, he busts into the room carrying a greataxe (for effect, he wasn't even proficient with it) and demands to know what the hell is going on. Ash's player looks me straight in the eye and deadpans 'I shoot him in the face'.
Combat was fast after that, they charged in, wiped out the bandits and attacked the sorcerer. He got off one spell before panicking and turning to flee. Rather than capture him and get some play exposition, a single attack of opportunity beheads him. They find and loot the treasure stash, then parade back to town with his head on the knight's greatsword and I had to improvise a new hook to get them to the fortress.
To this day, we still laugh about it.

2019-09-13, 05:28 PM
As this is from the Drow War published campaign (at least, that's what I think the title is) I'm going to put it in a spoiler tag.

At one point we entered a cavern and encountered a drow cleric. The battle that ensuit was a very clear reproduction of the battle between Redcloack and that cleric in Azure city, but faster.

Drow: I cast slay living.
me: 25, I save

me next: I cast slay living. I make it through the SR.
Drow (GM): does 20 save.
me: nope.
Drow turns into a pile of ash.

That was the combat.

2019-09-24, 04:38 AM
Our party's bard had discovered that some scars on his back were related to the fighter's backstory, and so he tried prying the fighter for more information. The fighter was very cagey about his past, but he had a low wisdom save, while the bard had multiple suggestions. Even if the fighter happened to roll well, the bard figured he could simply recast the spell, as the fighter wouldn't know he had cast suggestion.

And then suddenly, the fighter's dice turned hot. He was rolling 19's and 20's for his saves against suggestion, turning from a dumb meat shield into the pinnacle of iron will. The party continued down through the dungeon, the bard continuing to cast as they trekked through several layers, and the fighter never noticed once as he pushed past every spell.

2019-09-24, 07:38 AM
So this happened some time ago in a 5e D&D campaign I run twice a month.

During their travels our brave "heroes" encountered a member from the same religious order their cleric belonged to. She was on a diplomatic mission to a mansion close to the city where the party was headed and they decided to escort her there.

They arrived at the mansion without too much trouble and while their escortee was conversing with the local count, the party was either just talking amongst themselves, admiring art in the hallway or conversing with the counts eldest son ... or in case of the party's rogue: sneaking away to give herself an unguided tour of the mansion. The thing is though that the party knows that this rogue has been an assassin in the past. A very good one. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if the mansion wasn't about to be the scene of a murder mystery.

When the maid ran into the guest room screaming murder, they found both the count and their escortee dead. Instead of searching the crime scene for clues, the first thing on their mind was: 'Wait a minute ... Where is Xaphine?'

Hiding in a closet. That is where Xaphine was. She had heard whispers of the murder and knew exactly what time it was. She wasn't going to let herself get caught. She went to look for the best hiding spot in the mansion and eventually found that in a showroom. It was filled with mannequins adorned with divinely gorgeous gowns belonging to the snobby and materialistic eldest daughter of the count - Marith.

While Xaphine was hiding under one of Mariths priceless gowns, Kimi the bard was interrogating Marith herself - who was seemingly not that moved by her fathers demise. To say the conversation did not go well would be an understatement. They pretty much got stuck in a mean girls reboot and eventually Kimi angrily left Mariths room.

While the Cleric and warlock finally picked up the trail of the real killer, Kimi and the dwarven barbarian Thorban arrived in the showroom with the gowns where Xaphine was still in hiding. The barbarian started to shout Xaphines name an demanded her to come out. When she did not - those two characters have never really trusted eachother - Thorban continued his search in a way only a barbarian could. He grabbed the nearest gown with both hands and tore it appart.
'Are you here Xaphine? Hm, no.' And he went to the next one.
Kimi tried to stop him in vain. 'No! Thorban. Don't!'
'Ah don't worry. That Marith brat has enough many to buy a new dress-thing.'
'Wait ... they are Mariths?' At that moment the eyes of Kimi's player burned with the fire of a scorned woman and I knew that all these poor innocent gowns were doomed as bard and barbarian destroyed every shred of glamour in the room.

When all was said and done and the reunited party left for their next destination they heard a scream coming from the mansion that would put a banshee to shame.

Even to this day the party has to deal with mercenaries sent by Marith in retribution.

2019-10-06, 11:29 PM
The most ingenious strategy I have ever heard, uttered by a PC, who happens to be a bear: "Don't worry, I can split in half and pretend to be your children!"

Evil DM Mark3
2019-10-07, 06:30 AM
Oh goody, a place to commit to posterity the sheer shenaniganary that was my first ever DnD group.

This was back shortly before 3.5 came out. My first time DMing. We co-built the world which, I must admit, was more or less wall to wall LotR, seasoned with Discworld, Warhammer and a few offensive racial stereotypes.

I was a teenager. All teenagers are terrible. I think I grew out of it.

I shall tell the tale of the last session before we all decided to start again with Vampire.

We had a mountain dwarven kingdom, several human kingdoms with big cities, lots of elves in forests, gnomes, somewhere although we never did work out where despite there being one in the party and both the Shire/The Moot and (here comes the casual racism) halfling gypsy caravans.

The party consisted of the following:

A Human Fighter. He wore full-plate, used a longsword and tower-shield at that gave him the best AC. The build was an attempt at power gaming by the "take everything that gives + something to AC or weapon attacks" route. And if you are wondering about his personality, so am I all these years later. Can't even recall his name.

A bard who was essential to the backstory of why the group got together, but whose player never showed up after character creation.

A gnomish wizard (illusionist) whose player actually understood how to be an effective character and kept killing stuff everyone else claimed was unfair. His character was also a kleptomaniac of the most irritating kind. That is the "Step 1: go invisible, step 2 create an illusion of the duke's coronet overlapping the real one on his throne, step 3 take the real one, step 4 be in the room with no way to feasibly get out and somehow not expect the duke to realise he can put his hands through his official hat step 5 exile" kind. This happened more than once. I could not mention a gem or jewel without this gnome scheming to steal it in the most brazen and "and then what?"ish way you can imagine.

A Chaotic Neutral dwarven cleric of Dram, the god of alcohol. RPd as perpetually hung over with an aggressive, fervent, dislike of salad as "an abomination unto Dram!". A "call down a flamestrike spell on the salad bar" level of dislike. (That said, I've used the idea of a CN god in dwarven pantheons to this day as a sort of in house "stop being stupid guys" alarm).

Schrodinger's bard. This halfling stated they were a caravan scout, but we were never clear if this meant they were a caravan scout (as in, he scouted for the aforementioned gypsy halfling caravans) or a "caravan scout" (as in, a polite euphemism for sneak-theif and highwayman). Even they seemed to go back and forth on how much he was of each. Oddest skillset too, they have Innuendo, move silently and Disable device maxed, but only a little Hide and not Pick Lock, but they had Climb quite high and (no idea why this stuck with me) 2 ranks in Knowledge Arcana at level 8.

Anyway, they had gotten exiled from most of the setting for gem thievery or random drunken Inflict spells and were literally welcome ONLY in the Shireish area (I think I called it the Halfling Kingdom, because I was creative that way). Any hope of a longterm plot had died ages ago so I just threw stuff at them and, despite all of the above I admit we had a lot of fun, even if I was getting sick of throwing out plot and NPCs. I decide to send them into a dungeon at the behest of a local lord, but this was no ordinary dungeon, oh no, it was a dungeon that went UP! A tower in fact. A tower with a mad, evil, wizard in it doing something with rope. I rolled up some rope on a random treature table and decided, on a whim and with no idea what the in universe reason would be, to fill one of the tower's store-rooms with coils and coils of rope.

So the party stealth, mislead and illusion their way up the tower, fighting about 1/3 of the encounters. They then steamrolled the halfing wizard who was in a small space and was built with the idea the party would be low on resources.

They then go onto the roof (I had mentioned a weather vein that, for some reason, the cleric wanted to look at.)

I point out to them that they are going to have to go back down the tower and fight all that stuff they bypassed.

"Nope" says the wizard and steps off the 300ft tall tower, casing feather fall.

"That looks fun" says the cleric and also steps off, owning as he does a ring of feather fall.

"I climb down" said the rogue's player and indeed passes the rolls with no problem.

"I hate you guys" says the fighter, or maybe his player. As well he might as he was the only one to have taken much damage. He then gets an idea. He goes and get the rope, measures the distance from the weather-vein to the edge of the roof as 40ft and then starts splicing rope together, rolling a mountain of d20s until he has a single rope that he calculates is long enough. In fact it was far too long because he took the "you loose 5ft of length" part of splicing two ropes together to mean it was from both ropes, not total.

We had all been watching this in confused silence.

"I tie one end to the weather-vein" Ah, sensible we think. I remind him of his armour check penalty and he looks at me like I am from space. OK I think, lets see how the d20 lands.

Only its not a d20, he then says, in one breath (and at a table where "no take backs" had been enforced ever since we had one character successfully walk through a door another character had retroactively decided not to open and no one noticed for over an hour) "I tie the other end to my ankles and jump off the tower."

The pile of d6s mostly landed as 4s and 5s I recall. The session ended with an explanation of the application of elasticated rope visa-vi bungee jumping.