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Dib
2007-10-28, 01:49 PM
Inspired by Exeson to post one of my poems after they posted one of theirs erm... here is a poem I did about a week or two ago... erm...

Zero - best read when stoned

Bury man, bury man,
Destroy with lies and greed,
Bury man, bury man,
Make new life with seed,
Anger me, anger them,
Do not cross our path,
Little child now fall down dead,
You must wait to feel my wrath,
Like matches burning without light,
I feel the cold flame flicker,
I am empty now and always was,
The cold just makes me sicker,
Canít you see youíre killing me,
Your prodigy built from stone,
Wear me down with mace and hammer,
Break every single bone,
Kill the man, now steal the man,
You only steal your soul,
Rape the man, berate the man,
You cannot kill the coal.

Leather_Book_Wizard
2007-10-28, 02:04 PM
It's really quite good. I really don't have any other comments at the moment, but if I think of any, I will post them.

Dib
2007-10-28, 02:08 PM
Cheers Leather' :biggrin:

Leather_Book_Wizard
2007-10-28, 02:16 PM
Would you care to take a look at my poem and critique it?
V:Thanks!

Dib
2007-10-28, 02:18 PM
sure... *goes to look for it*

Ceska
2007-10-28, 02:26 PM
I am utterly confused as to what the theme really is, but I guess that's what you're going for in a way.

I won't criticize the rhyming, I am no friend of rhymes. The amount of syllables in the lines make it kind of odd to read sometimes though. But I seem not to be able to really express myself the way I want to right now.

Then again I prefer to read poems for their content, not their style, and I like the content.

Dib
2007-10-28, 02:31 PM
I've never been that good with theme... it has one! It just doesnt show it well... at all...

Try imagining a boring monotone voice reading it... helps with the rhythm a bit (not that there is any)

cheers :smallbiggrin:

Exeson
2007-10-28, 02:42 PM
Yay! I'm inspirational. *goes off to do inspiring things, like wrestle bears and steal from the rich and give to the poor*

That is actually amazing. really, its better than some of the poems from professional poets. Way better than mine at any rate, much more meaning.

Dib
2007-10-28, 02:50 PM
aww, I feel special now... I mean, I felt speshal in that way already... but now I feel proper special! Cheers! yay! :biggrin:

Ceska
2007-10-28, 02:58 PM
I've never been that good with theme... it has one! It just doesnt show it well... at all...
That's not really what I meant. It was more of a remark that the theme isn't that clear on first glimpse while still there, a very positive thing IMHO.

And that's by far better than art just for arts sake. I despise this kind of style, praising art, sometimes even one's own work. (Yes Stefan George, I'm looking at you).

Try imagining a boring monotone voice reading it... helps with the rhythm a bit (not that there is any)
As you can see from my signature, and the limited amount of phrases used in speaking I guess, I am not a native speaker, which makes the whole voice and rhythm a tad bit harder to grasp. I know you were not deliberately trying to impose a metrical system in the speech, which is a good thing to me. But then, I am no professional at this, I just know what I like and what not.