View Full Version : My Zombie Story - need a little bit of Feed back.

Dean Fellithor
2007-12-03, 11:32 AM
Oh it was so long ago, but when you think back on it...it wasn't that long at all. it just started like a Normal school day, in fact it was supposed to be the last school day, for me, for the rest of the year. The idiots of the school flooded into their classes one by one. "Ahhhh...Good old Wednesday..."
I said, to no one as for the fact that I never get along with anyone in this class, except for Tordz, who always sat at the back with the idiots.
"I pay with having HPE and math, but I get 2 Drama lessons..."
Slouching back into my chair checking my phone for the time, the birds chirping outside annoying me, god I'd wish they'd stop... Miss was handing out our final HPE report for the year, I smirk as I get handed my marks, HA! a C- no less!
"Might be enough to outrun some Zombies!" Says Tordz sneaking up behind me.
"Yeah, no doubt that I'm safe when Z-day comes!" I replied, We laughed it off.
"Well... I'll see ya later then."


"Matt, nice of you to join us today." I laugh.
"Cut me some slack, its our last week!"
"Yeah, I guess your right, maybe we can give you a little bit of a break, after all we do pick on you and Mike all year."
"Shut up, Hayden you Twit!"
"Nice to see you too Mike."
The group, Mike, Matt, Ewan and I, together since my first year at this dump, we talked a little while about the Nintedo Wiis Me and Ewan were getting for Christmas and a Few games that we were going to get as soon as they came out last year.
"OK, guys I'm going to go talk to Ben and the rest of the group."
"OK, I'll see ya in Drama, OK Hayden?" I then walked around to where the rest of my friends were, these guys were more of the Joker types, My good friends Ben, Troy, Sarah, Felicia, Alex, Becky, Elliot and Daniel.
"Hey Ben, Troy! you still wanna go on that camping trip that I've been thinking about for most of the week?"
"Nah, not really Bud, I have to go see Chloe and all that on the Holidays, unless you can find a date where I can come, lol." Troy Replied in his L337 speak talk which was found to be amusing by all.
"you?" I say blankly to Ben.
"Probably..." says Ben as vaguely as possible, we always laughed at this, because he did look a bit sheepish whenever he was trying to be vague.
"Hey Hayden!" yelled Alex from the other side of the court yard. "You got a copy of the Orange Box yet?"
"Not yet Russian!" I replied.
We all talked for a while, then me and Ben had to get to Drama class where we met back up with Ewan.
"I wonder what were doing today?" I say in the most Bored tone ever.
"You've got your performance..." Ewan says. "and you better not Sabotage it, because if you do."
"Well at least we are performing, unlike you Ewan..." Ben started.
"You Didn't even have a Major part." Becky said sneaking up on us all.
"Indeed, your just damned lazy." I followed up just as the Teacher was arriving.
"Alright class, Single file into the classroom thanks, we've got a lot of work ahead of us today as we are performing in front of several of the year 10 classes."
"Dammit..." Me and Ben said in tandem.


Well of course the play went off with a boom measurable only to a fly farting and I continued on to my Math class waiting for the stupid Mr Szarbo for a whole 20 minutes just so he could fumble with his keys blindly, then the Dumbest Bimbo in the school showed up, Tasha, pfft, she had tons of disease, I'm not even sure how she was still living for gods sake, but today something was different, she looked Half-past dead today, which was a bit different to her usual Quarter-past Dead, I would have continued to stare at her if the Fire Drill had not broken my concentration, Me and Alex then continued to walk down to the Tennis Courts, where we usually arranged when a Fire Drill was going on. when we got close to the science block )which wasn't far from the Courts mind you.) I pulled Alex aside and then told him
"We're skipping this fire Drill, help me pick out the rest of the group." and surely we one at a time picked out the group, except for Troy who already got the Idea of it when he spotted us, one by one, we picked out:
Felicia the sexy girl I'd had a crush on all of that year who really liked playing Soccer and was one of the Smartest girls I knew,
Sarah THE smartest girl I knew, she wanted to be a Forensic Scientists when she grew up,
Elliot the Rocker of the group, long hair and a bit of a Mustache going on,
Ewan our Aspiring actor and one of the Computer geeks Resident GM for Role-playing games,
Ben my best friend since first year and the one I spent most time with on MSN talking about Computer games and D'n'D,
Becky, who knew what she wanted? she was as crazy as bat ****, I think she once said she wanted to be an actor.
Daniel or Techy or rather Newbie Techy, Because compared to Ben and Alex he knew nothing.
Matt and Mike, Matt =Long hair, Mike = Short hair. haha... never got old just stirring up the pot on "how I remembered their names" of course these 2 were probably the least liked in the school with the most to like, they were just generally good guys.
We then proceeded to go up the stairs of the science block and sat by the windows.
"God, these people are miserable idiots when it comes to Fire evacuation..." Troy Boy said with a grin. "I mean, if there were to be a fire, this is where it'd start, RIGHT HERE." he pointed to the Teacher's Desk right where he kept his lighters (right next to some of the most Flammable chemicals ever.) we all had a good giggle.
"So..." I started. "Did anyone see how sickly Tasha looks?"
"Yeah, only last week." pointing out Mike, everyone chuckling.
"No she does look a bit worse today...hey...wait a minute... LOOK SHES CONVULSING IN THE TENNIS COURTS!"
everyone looked out the windows quickly, sure enough we saw that the ugly girl was jolting about like someone had put her on an electric wire, vomit started seeping out of her mouth, I spied Tordz in the crowd trying to get a good view, only to be knocked to the back of his Classes line. I sent him an SMS telling him where to come to meet up with the rest of us, he quickly got onto it.
but then Tasha stopped moving and got up, moving towards the Principal, Vomit still coming out of her mouth, she grabbed him and then took a big chunky bite out of his cheek taking a bit of his tongue and ear with it...

So How does the Playground like the story so far? too much?

I know the Dialog is pretty dodgy but I'll fix it up later...

Dean Fellithor
2007-12-03, 02:00 PM
could I please get some feed back? or maybe some suggestions?