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ivanmckilliagin
2006-10-18, 10:36 AM
Please Evaluate and Critique Harshly

I may be submitting this for some thingy or another, and I'd like those here to please show me how i can better this work without losing the theme. All constructive comments are welcomed, no matter how harsh.


Redemption?

Iíve got this feeling deep inside me,
that I need now to express.
It tore my life away from me,
turned it into a mess.

I betrayed the one from whom
Boundless love was given.
To seek her forgiveness is my goal
To which Iím endlessly driven.

Guilt lives on inside me now
Like a white hot ball of pain
From dawn on through the depths of night,
Eating at my brain.

I kill myself now each day
Every time I see her ring
My Sisyphean torture continues
Each time I see that thing.

I search for consolation
In the music I listen to.
No oneís done the things though
that Iíve put her through.

Now I meekly submit and bow
To self-wrought punishment
I cannot pay for the deeds Iíve done
No end to this torment.

Now I beg and plead once more
Iíve paid for my misdeed.
You can never be forgotten
My heart will forever bleed.
~fin~

Mattaeu
2006-10-18, 02:01 PM
Redemption? I would drop the question mark. It doesn't fit right against your ending. You've said you have 'paid'; nothing that isn't said in the final stanza is stated by keeping the quesiton mark.

Iíve got this feeling deep inside me, Good introduction.
that I need now to express.
It tore my life away from me,
turned it into a mess.

I betrayed the one from whom
Boundless love was given.
To seek her forgiveness is my goal The 'my' makes me stumble, I've already anticipated that it is your 'goal'. Simple change to 'the' would give better flow.
To which Iím endlessly driven.
Okay, so these first two are good for beginning. Right here is where I think you need to focus and actually say something about why you feel guilty. I know it's implied, but the reader needs to see what you are running through in your mind. This is a very narrative confessional, but there's no real act that tells me just how bad I should understand you feel.

Guilt lives on inside me now
Like a white hot ball of pain
From dawn on through the depths of night,
Eating at my brain.

I kill myself now each day
Every time I see her ring A CLUE! A CLUE!...but then you don't say anything more. :(
My Sisyphean torture continues
Each time I see that thing. (Personally, I feel this line is weak and placed for rhyming purposes.)

I search for consolation This and next line do nothing for me. Absolutely. The second more than the first; in which, you could develop a much more profound reference to the Sisyphus ordeal. Ask: 'How would he find consolation?'
In the music I listen to.
No oneís done the things though
that Iíve put her through.

Now I meekly submit and bow
To self-wrought punishment
I cannot pay for the deeds Iíve done
No end to this torment. (again, placed for rhyming reasons.)

Now I beg and plead once more
Iíve paid for my misdeed.
You can never be forgotten
My heart will forever bleed.
~fin~I would drop this entirely. Seems so archaic for a more contemporary piece.

Now to not be so harsh, things you did well:

You referenced a Greek symbol. :D You could develop it so much more, rather than just a drop of a name.
You stuck to rhyming. I would suggest searching for less immediate rhymes, like your fifth stanza 'to' and 'through'.
Very identifiable with other's situations. But they won't know exactly how much unless you TELL them.

If it suits your purposes, go for it. If you would like to create layer beneath the surface, try out the Sisyphus metaphor.

But by all means, keep writing. :)

Crystal_Shards
2006-10-18, 03:03 PM
I think the weakest lines are "Each time I see that thing." and "No end to this torment." But I can't really give you any clues on how to fix it, other than change the line.

Your best lines are probably "To self-wrought punishment" and "My Sisyphean torture continues" because of the imagery, and your vocabulary shines through.

Other than that, I think it's a pretty good poem, and I'd love to hear more. =)

~Crystal

ivanmckilliagin
2006-10-18, 04:01 PM
Now I meekly submit and bow
To self-wrought punishment
I cannot pay for the deeds Iíve done
No end to this torment.So now try to repent


any better?

i can change the beginning and end well, as well as the my=>the thing in the second, but the others will take some time. I'll put some thought into it.

thanks!

Brickwall
2006-10-19, 12:06 AM
All rhyme, no rhythm. Really, rhythm is intrinsic to making a poet touch the heart.

P.S. When you write a poem about an emotion, no matter how specific, disguise your meaning. It should be figurative and require the reader to think before understanding.

Also, is this still that thing that you were so depressed over? Geeze, get over it, or stop being so vague. Otherwise that's kinda under the "emo" classification.

Caillach
2006-10-19, 12:54 AM
" I kill myself now each day
Every time I see her ring
My Sisyphean torture continues
Each time I see that thing."

Nice allusion. Hate the rest of the stanza though. If you can't find a way to fix it just take it out. You'll loose the allusion, but the poem as a whole will be stronger.

Also I agree with Brickwall on the figurative emotion thing, but i guess it also sort of depends on what audience you're catering to. If this is a poem for a specific person that you want to tell something important to then this format works. If it's for a class, go for some more subtle writeing, and more use of symbols.